VS. GNAT GNAT

WRITTEN BY KATE LAUTENBERG // DESIGNED BY VALERIE CHU

Gnats — like many freshmen during Wildcat Welcome — are frantic to take advantage of their newfound sexual freedom and the undeniably romantic vibe of the Lakefill. Students, however, are less than thrilled. Swarms of tiny black insects engaging in public debauchery sexile students from peaceful spring walks. Students disgustedly pluck gnats from their hair and clothes while walking to class as gnats buzz profanities at the heads that displace them. Like many of society’s problems, perhaps a friendly campus dialogue can end this feud.

I don’t eat meat. These gnats are infringing on my religious freedom when they fly into my mouth and I accidentally swallow them,” Weinberg fourth-year human Rishab Jayanthi says. “The gnats are committing a hate crime by making me eat them.

I’m just trying to enjoy my spring after a winter of seasonal depression. It’s only right that I get my time outside,” Communication first-year human Caroline Samuelsen says. “The gnats impede my enjoyment of the outdoors — it’s not kind of them. I would like them to reconsider their invasion this spring.

There are so many gnats it’s hard to see. It makes me think they’re an aviation hazard,” Weinberg fourth-year human Jason Irias says. “I’m scared for the planes at O’Hare.

Yesterday, I was chatting up this girl and — I mean, she was hovering so close to me that our wings were basically touching — and then out of nowhere, bam!” threeday-old gnat Nate says. “I was in someone’s mouth. It was too kinky for my taste, and I haven’t seen the girl since.

Every time someone goes on the Lakefill and sees the gnats, it’s a reminder they’re getting some and you’re not,” Weinberg fourth-year human Mike Palaskas says. “The real problem is that gnats make people feel insecure about their sex lives.

Sounds like quitter talk – Nash needs to up his game.

The worst is when the human girls wear that shiny stuff on their lips. It’s always so sticky and smells all flowery, but when I try to get a taste, I just end up covered in it,” nine-day-old gnat Nash says. “How am I supposed to get it on when I smell like a teenage girl? I used to be the prettiest gnat on the lake. All the guys flew over when they smelled my seductive pheromones — until this Rapunzel-wannabe walked by,” seven-day-old gnat Natalie says. “Those long locks engulfed me and bent my wing — I’m ruined. I have three days left to live and no guy will even look at me.

The students are the worst. I’m only alive for 11 days and I have to spend all my time with them,” five-day-old gnat Natalia says. “As if I want to waste my fleeting days hearing them brag about going to a beach school. Give me a break.