Hangover

Here’s something you might not know about me: I’m a townie. Four years ago, I walked the stage at Welsh-Ryan Arena as a member of Evanston Township High School’s Class of 2012. Four months later, I rode my bike to Bobb-McCulloch Hall while my parents lugged all of my shit in their station wagon.

I was ready to get out of Evanston after living here most of my life, so I didn’t always want to go to Northwestern. I looked at universities all over the country and wasted plenty of time and money visiting all of them. But Northwestern was the best school that I got into, so I said “fuck it” and decided to ride out the next four years in the place I spent my previous 11.

For the most part, I knew what I was getting into. I knew about the academics, since the nerdiest percentile of ETHS seniors (myself now included) went to Northwestern every year. I knew about the athletic futility, since I had been freezing my ass off watching Ohio State’s football team blow Northwestern out of the water since I was 7. I knew about the party scene. My friends and I spent our senior year of high school trying to sneak into frat houses on Friday nights (our batting average was .000). My biggest misconception going into freshman year was probably that Bobb was “the #1 party dorm in the country,” as the Huffington Post so naively claimed. When I went to visit a friend at a state school, they set up a Slip ‘N Slide in their dorm hallway. Now that was a party.

Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to see Evanston as both a college town and my hometown, and it functions more appropriately as the latter. Evanston is a suburban residential community, and a pretty bougie one at that. There are literally two Whole Foods within a mile of each other, and a third not much farther. Quite simply, Evanston is no Bloomington, Indiana, or Ann Arbor, Michigan, where students bar-hop nightly.

Some think that Evanston is an anti-fun vacuum, which may be perpetuated by a number of myths and bizarre city ordinances. For example, if you want to trick-or-treat on Halloween, it is actually not illegal. It is, however, strictly regulated to the hours of 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. Ring the doorbell at 7:05 p.m.? Sorry kid – you’re not getting your Butterfinger.

There’s also a myth that whistling is illegal, which is only partially true. Evanston’s website says that yelling, shouting, hooting, whistling or singing is unlawful, “particularly between the hours of 11 p.m. to 7 a.m.” So if you have a desire to “hoot” on the public streets of Evanston, make sure you do it while the sun is still out.

But regardless of all the quirks, weirdness and questionable administrative policy this town has to offer, they do call this place “Heavenston” for a reason. (Okay, it’s actually because of its heavy Methodist influence, but we can alter history for the purpose of this piece.) We have beaches, more than 80 parks and some of the friendliest people in America, when they’re not calling the cops on your off-campus frat party. President Barack Obama even gave us a shout out during his speech at the 2016 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, calling Evanston a “great town,” right after thanking Joe Biden for not shooting anyone in the face during his term as vice president.

My love for Evanston has made it hard for me to shake the “townie” label. My freshman year, I was the guy who knew all of the restaurants, campus buildings and streets where upperclassmen were hosting off-campus parties. And every year people with whom I haven’t spoken since elementary school ask me to get them Dillo Day wristbands.

So, instead of trying to fight my townie label, I’ve come to embrace it. I’ve happily doled out restaurant recommendations to dozens of my friends, borrowed my parents’ car to drive people all around the North Shore and even let my parents come to one of our football game tailgates.

Either way, within the next few months, I likely will move away from Evanston for the first time in 15 years, probably to New York. No matter where I end up, when people ask me where I’m from, I will always say, “Evanston.” And when the New Yorker that I’m talking to inevitably doesn’t know where Evanston is, I’ll say something about deep dish pizza and probably get punched in the face.

Get toned in Tech. BY CANDACE BUTERA

So you want to get in shape and get ROCK HARD ABS? Thanks to Chicago weather, the “sun’s out, guns out” motto has been pushed back, giving you a few extra weeks to tone up. Let’s take advantage of Northwestern’s largest building, Tech, to whip our beach-bodies into shape – or at least to get into good enough condition that we’re not winded from just walking up the stairs. You already have all the tools you need: a building with seven miles worth of hallways and a set of expensive free weights in your backpack. Here are some Tech workout options:

Capture the flag can bring out the best and worst in people. It’s a chance to be competitive outside the classroom, disregarding grades and studying, of course. First, divide into two teams. Next, each team hides their flag on a specific side of Tech and then races to see which team can find their opponent’s flag first. Collisions may occur.

Location: All of TechTime: Unlimited

Difficulty: Depends on your teammates’ creativity

Sweat Level: Low, but someone might get injured

“Currently, I’m on my big concert season. Over the next five months I’ll be going to 19 concerts and all four days of Lolla. I saw [Young The Giant] at Lolla two years ago and I will be seeing them in June and July.”

Jazib Gohar, Weinberg sophomore

It’s pretty simple, just rally up a group of people and chase each other through the maze of Tech. It’s like the building was made for this. Running 3.5 laps through the whole building is basically the equivalent of a full marathon.

Even though you might not actually read your textbooks, you can still get creative and make great use out of those $200 weights in your backpack. Hold your book in both hands over your head, bend your elbows and push the book behind your head – we call this the intellectual warrior pose. This exercise aims to strenghten your triceps. Next, lift the book repeatedly in front of you while bending your knees at a 90-degree angle Location: Classroom into a squat position

to strengthen your shoulders, back and legs. That way you won’t be skipping leg day.

Location: Hallways of TechTime: As long as desiredDifficulty: EasySweat Level: Low

Time: 20 minutes

Difficulty: Medium

Sweat Level: Low, but soreness high

These avid fans wear their hearts on their sleeves.

BY KAYLA REARDON

“I have been to a million and one concerts, but The Killers concert was my very first. To this day, they were still one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to and they got me addicted to concerts, and music in general, for the rest of my life.”

Sydney Lindsey, Weinberg senior

“My friend Shruti (far right) and I (center)discovered Bastille while listening to the British radio show ‘The Breakfast Show with Nick Grimshaw’ on BBC Radio 1 in the summer before senior year of high school, and they’ve been my favorite band ever since. A group of us went to their concert in the House of Blues in Houston during their first U.S. tour.”

Ogey Ibik, Weinberg sophomore

Guys, let’s be real here. “Northwestern” is a terrible name for a university. Look, I love the school as much as the next person, but why are we named after a cardinal direction? I don’t want to explain it anymore. No, Northwestern is not in Washington. No, it’s not in Boston either, that’s Northeastern University. Sure, some call us “Nerdwestern” or “Northwasted.” But the former sounds like we’re the cast of The Big Bang Theory, and the latter implies we’re all in the Zac Efron fraternity from Neighbors. I think it’s finally time for us to come up with a new name for Northwestern. Here are my suggestions:

This name really gets to the core of our beliefs and values here, and I think it would definitely save some time when telling extended family about college. Instead of listing off the five classes you’re taking, the three publications you write for and the Greek organization you’re in, just tell them you go to NorthStresstern. They’ll understand.

If you love being sick for five months straight, come on down to Congestern! Our dorms are so cramped and our weather is so cold, you’re practically guaranteed to get swine flu by October. Plus, as a bonus, our health center is only open for urgent care on Saturdays and not at all on Sundays, so if you’re sick on a Sunday, have fun! You’ll be stewing in a pit of your own excretions till Monday!

Hey, remember how Kanye and Kim’s baby is named North West? Well, that’s funny, because we go to Northwestern! Get it?! Ha, ha, those jokes never get old. So why not just streamline the process and name our school after the baby that people already put on our T-shirts? It’s guaranteed to be topical for at least 70 more years.

Finally, our geographyrelated problems are solved! Simple, clean and easy. I think we’ve finally got the perfect school name. Now, for the real question: Are we MW or MU?