NEON ANTEATER RENAISSANCE
Neon Anteater Renaissance (NAR) is UC Irvine’s Campuswide Honors Collegium’s creative works journal, featuring visual and written works from our talented CHC community. Thank you to everyone who has submitted to our issue! We also encourage you to contribute to future NAR issues by submitting your work to uci.nar.chc@gmail.com or https://sites.uci.edu/narchp/.
Editor-in-Chief: Maria Rama-McCain
Event Coordinator: Frank Granda
Marketing Director: Erin Jun
Representatives: Chiana Fujiwara
Hannah Reagan Taryn Jay Lam
Zoe Frederick
Advisor: Darren Warner
Contest Winners
“Limen” by Luke Kang
“Night Dream Album” by Geneses Navarro
Cover Photo: The Cafe of My Dreams by Michelle Cheng
Instagram: nar chc
Website: https://sites.uci.edu/narchp/
Special thanks to Zoe Frederick for helping with editing!
ifthisisadream,ihopeitwillneverend byanonymous
ifthisisadream,ihopeitwillneverend
Artist Statement
Iwaswithmyfriend,justtalkingandsittingoutsideonabench.I feltthatmomentwassomuchlikeadream,soIbegantohumto theemotionsIwasfeeling.AsIwashumming,myfriendrecorded myvoicewithoutmeknowing.Listeningtoitafterthismoment mademefeelalittletinglyinside,andIwantedtoshareitwith everyoneaswell!
byUmbraCHALKEYsuperfan
thatsummerwasmyfirst.awokenfromamistydream,intoanightof rustlingleaves,intoaworldofcolor. thatwaswhenifellinlove.
ihaveneverforgottenit,youknow.theglintofyourtiarainthesilver moonlight,yourvoicespinningtalesofangelsandcrowns.iremember yourhalfsmileasyoulaywatchingthedancingstars.
youworethesamesmileevenonthathazynight.
thesomberhumofourfavoriteoakfilledthepausesbetweenyourwords. itchasedmethroughtheyears.itknewicouldhavebeenbetter.ididtoo. butthepastcan’tbechanged.
youknowthatbetterthananyone,don’tyou?
andyet,yousmiled.
thatwasmyreasonwhy.itwastheglowiclaspedinmypalms,awonder thatwasminealone.tinyandbright,itwaseverything.
themetalaboveyourears,gentlyplacedupontheverdantgrass.a moment’sbreathpassedby.foronlyasecond,thepetalsiplacedonyour hairflutteredinthebreeze.themomentpassed.iletgo,andtheyblurred, whiskingmeaway.
thencameautumn,awhirlofsnappingtwigsandpineneedlesonthe unworndirtpath. icalledouttoyou,butitwastoolate.youhadalreadytrippedoverthat root,fallingbackwards,down.icaughtyou,justbarely.thatwasthe secondtime. theclearingapproachedusslowerthani’dhoped,butitwasn’ttoolate.i heardyourbreathcatchasyoutookinthesunkissedpond,clearasthe diamondrestingonyourneck.drinkingfromitswaterwasadoe,hazel andpure. yourbreathcaughtasecondtimewhenitlookedup,foritseyeswerea mirrorofyours.itwasthereasoniledyouthere.itwasthereasonyou stoodthere,handclaspedinmine,lostintime.
thatwaswhenyoufellinlove,longago.
youhadn’trealizedityet,ofcourse.youwouldn’trealizeitforweeks.you toldmeallaboutitafterward. itwasasimplertime,atimewhenthingsmadesense.itwasatimewhen wecouldbetogether. butthatwaslongago.
beforeievenrealized,winterarrived.
oh,howyoulovedthesnow,howitblanketedtheworldinacomforting silencethatmadeourcracklingfireallthecozier.we’dsitoutsideuntilyou startedshivering,eventhoughyoutriedtohideit.andeachtimeinoticed, you’dprotestwithchatteringteeth,eventuallygivingin.
ilovedthesnowbecauseitmadeyousmile.ilovedthatyouworesimple dresssoiwouldn’tfeeloutofplace,evenifthecardiganilentyouwasn’t enoughtoprotectagainstthebitingcold.ilovedhowyoushoneinthe light,asifyouworeradiantarmorforgedbytheSunMaidenherself.iloved thatyoucared,enoughtolaugh,enoughtocry.
but,dutycalls,orsotheysay.weeachhadourroles.thefrostthawed.you hadtoplaythepartofthecrown,andi,theloyal.buti…
whatwasileftwith?
near-brokenoathsandaswordiholdeverywakingmoment,itseems.yet nomatterhowhardiswing,howmanyhoursispendwearingmyself down,thechasmcarvedbyyourabsencenevercloses.iremainreplaying fragmentsthatpiecetogetherintoaconvolutedcanvasofnothing, nothingatall. beforeileft,youaskedmeaquestion.icouldn’tgivemyanswer.ididn’t haveone.ifisawyouagain,idonotknowificouldgiveyouone.
idon’tknowificouldbeanyone’shero.
yourfinalwordsformeechostill,neverquieting.ispokethembacktoyou, butitwasn’tenough.thewayyousaidthatphrase,lookingintomyeyes withamoonlightveil,searedintomycore.ringingloudlywasthegalethat drownedoutthethoughtwebothshared,ofafuturethatcouldneverbe. yousqueezedmyhandandsilentlysaid,whatifweleftitallbehind?
ididtoo.butthetruthweighsheavy,andi,asever,wasnotstrongenough. evenwiththewhisperedsecretsofouroak’sleaves,knowntoall,known tome.iknewthembetterthananyone.ithoughtiwouldbecomemore, too.
ioncecouldhearsomethingonthehighbreeze.buttherainslipped throughmyfingersandseepedintotheearth.withitwentourfinal months,thenthoseispentalone.
thesesecondsofliferunby,ignoringthecracksinsideme.tomorrowlooms impenetrable,toomuchtobreathe.thebillionfeathersonmyshoulders weavethatwhichwas,whatisnowforeveranemptytangleofpaper chains.thelettersihelddeardancejustoutofmyreach.
it’salltoomuch.
ithoughti’dgrowupbetter.
icouldn’ttellyouwhatyouwishedformetotellyou.icouldn’tsaythose wordsyouwantedtohear.ifonlyicouldturnbackwardsanddowhati couldnot. butweknowthetruth.
thepastcan’tbechanged.
thefrosthasbeguntothawagain.perhapsthistimewillbedifferent.
won’tibelieve?
youknow,listeningtothewindwhistlethroughthetrees,irealized something.you,icouldneverhollow.notever.andso,youremain,partof mydistantwhole. thestarsglowwarmtonight.theirdancefillsthesamenightsky.could theyfindthestrengthtoforgiveme?
couldi?
iwishyouwouldhavestaredatmewiththosedoeeyesforjustabreath longer,princess.perhapswe’dhaveknowndifferently.perhapswe’dhave knownbetter. youoncetoldmetospreadmywingsandwelcometheday.ilaughed,not knowingwhatyoumeant.youwereserious,yousaid,thoughyouwere smilingtoo.ineverfoundoutwhatyouweretryingtotellme.
perhapsitisn’ttoolatetostartsearching.
ihearsomethingnewonthehighbreeze.ittwirlswiththerustlingleaves, callingforareintroductionofallthatistobe,callingouttome.
iguessi’lltrytofindit