33 minute read
From the Editor
From the Editor by Sarabeth Ng
We Need to Talk—About Porn
Content warning: Porn, by nature, can be difficult to discuss. Please be aware that this issue of Mutuality discusses porn use and its effects at length. What words come to mind when you think of porn? Sex. Lust. Objectification. Abuse. How about when you think of porn and the church? Simplistic. Hesitant. Damaging. Shameful. Silent. male-female relationships. It’s the woman churchgoer who has never been allowed to fully use her gifts at church because the male elders and pastors are terrified of being alone with a woman. It’s the woman who has learned to objectify herself and who feels irredeemably broken because she looks at porn when she’s alone. It’s the woman who was sold into sex trafficking because men want to take their porn-fueled fantasies off-screen.
The Christian church has not talked about porn well, even as the number of Christians who regularly use porn increases. Many of us, whether past or current porn users or close to a porn user, have been hurt and confused. The message the church has embraced is one of secret shame rather than of humility, listening, and redemption.
As I was reading Proverbs 18, I was struck by how applicable it feels to the church’s approach to porn.
To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? (13–14)
Sermons and discussions are undergirded by contempt, shame, and gossip. We have not sought to listen. We have crushed spirits.
What stands out to me is how much we have centered men when we talk about porn. The church has told us that when men watch porn, it is themselves they hurt most. They say men’s personal righteousness and sanctification and closeness with God are the most important casualties in their use of porn. The reason men should stop watching porn is, above all else, so they can be “right” with God.
We’ve said plenty about how men’s porn use affects their ability to love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We haven’t talked enough about how it affects their ability to love their neighbor as themselves.
When we take a step back, it seems the way the church talks about porn stems from harmful patriarchal attitudes toward sex: lust is every man’s battle, women exist to please men, men can’t control their sex drives, and shame is the only effective tool to inspire sexual purity. What if, instead, we centered (or even included) women in our dialogue about porn? Women are, I would argue, the ones who suffer most because of porn. It’s the wife whose husband objectifies and abuses her because porn taught him everything he knows about These are the women we hope to help with this issue of Mutuality. We’re taking a break from begging men to stop using porn to discuss the effects of porn on women’s lives, women’s equality, and men’s ability to be good partners to women. Perhaps if more of us understood the full effects of porn use, we would talk about it openly and frankly. Let’s make sure the warning label on porn is very clear: porn hurts everyone—not just the viewer’s personal righteousness.
Even so, we’re hopeful. As each author presents the heartbreaking effects of porn, they all also present some practical ways we can move forward. Mallory Ellington starts by sharing how she hopes the church can begin to understand that women, too, struggle with sexual sin and deserve the same support as men. Erin F. Moniz discusses one reason many people turn to porn: broken patterns of intimacy. William B. Bowes and Alejandra FontechaBowes tackle the increasingly common question of whether porn can be ethical for Christians. Heather Matthews intertwines her experience as a pastor once married to a porn user with the latest research on how male pastors’ porn use affects women. Kyle Norman reminds us that it isn’t just porn that Christians should avoid, but all sexual immorality. Finally, Mimi Haddad helps us connect the dots between porn use and abuse.
With this issue of Mutuality, we are officially calling on all Christians, and especially those who have joined us in the fight for women’s biblical equality, to speak plainly about the sin that plagues us. We seek to listen and lament as we process the effects of porn use on women and men in church. Returning to Proverbs 18, we acknowledge that shame is not the answer—instead we embrace nuance and seek to listen before answering so that we may help and heal those who have been hurt by porn use.
May these articles help us recognize the image of God in all of us. Together, we can leave behind the pornification of our churches and relationships to embrace the personcentered love that Jesus Christ embodied.
Women Are People, Too
By Mallory Ellington
We sat in a circle in our cabin, escaping the heat and humidity. During this final church camp experience, we were reflecting on what our lives had been and beginning to think about what could come with college and careers on the horizon.
Then one girl admitted she watched porn and wanted to stop. I will never forget what happened next. Slowly, other girls raised their hands to admit the same. My heart beat faster and I trembled a bit, but I raised my hand, too.
At some point in our lives each of us had struggled, or were actively struggling, with watching porn. I was terrified to admit the truth to my peers, and I know I wasn’t the only one. In our youth group and church, our leaders and pastors had always taught porn use as a male struggle. And yet here I was, surrounded by other young women acknowledging that it was a problem for them, too.
Porn Use Isn’t Just a “Guy’s Issue”
Looking back, I wish someone had spoken up about how porn isn’t just a “guy’s issue.” Ever since the first time I viewed porn at twelve years old, I’d sat alone and wondered, what did it mean for me, as a young woman, to struggle with something that was only supposed to be a problem for guys? Was there something wrong with me? What did this mean for my sexuality?
My youth group never discussed the reality of sexual sin for both genders. The reality is this: 13 percent of Christian girls ages thirteen to twenty-four regularly use porn.1 It is not just the guys in youth groups. Yet no other topic seemed to warrant such a strong gender divide. All of the senior girls would not have waited until one of our last youth group moments to speak up if porn use had been openly discussed with us like it had been for the guys.
Instead, all of the focus for girls was on dressing modestly and not becoming like a chewed-up piece of gum. We carried a weight of responsibility on our shoulders, to guard our hearts and those of our brothers in Christ. We had to guard the gates of male sexuality, but we were never given the key for how to process and understand our own sexuality.
The Gospel Is Good News for Girls Who Use Porn
Acting like porn use is a male-only issue in our churches has caused so much harm over the years. What an incredible disservice to all of us! The messages girls hear about sexual sin only imprison us in shame. They disempower us, and in doing so they give undue power to our leaders and male peers who have decided that only men get to struggle with sexual sin. I grew up thinking there was no gospel available for the girls who watch porn.
The reality, however, is that the gospel is for young women like me, too. Recently, I read The Great Sex Rescue, and a friend asked what my main takeaways were. While I had plenty to say, I kept coming back to something from the end of the book:
Women’s experiences have been largely overlooked or ignored, while women are seen as tools to help men get what they want. That’s not Christian. That’s not of Jesus. Women, though, are people too.²
The Great Sex Rescue affirms that women can and should enjoy safe, healthy sex in their marriages. The book does mention women who watch porn, but only in passing. Now it is simply time to voice what many of us already know and have experienced. We must bring young women’s sexual sin into the light so that all of us may find freedom in Christ. We are all promised that we are a new creation in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17). That message does not just apply to young men—it applies to young women!
A Call for the Church
We’re all painfully aware that women are most often victimized by men’s sexual sin, but there is a growing number of women, especially young women and girls, who are struggling with their own sexual sin. My whole life, I’ve been disheartened by the lack of resources and support for young women dealing with sexual sin. For the young man who confesses his sexual sin, there are books to read and accountability groups to join. The church helps young men walk in the freedom that is promised through Christ. This is not true for young
We struggle to fi nd a safe person to confi de in. We feel isolated, unsure of how to move forward. No one preaches freedom and redemption for us from our sexual sin. And that is not what the gospel offers.
Here are a few ways that churches and leaders can begin helping women walk away from their sexual sin to embrace the freedom promised in Christ.
Sermons
The church needs a better way forward: we need to love and serve the women who sit in our pews. Just as the church has shown up and o�fered support for men struggling to overcome sexual sin, we need to do the same for women. And it all begins with conversations. Let’s acknowledge that women are people, too, so they watch porn, too. Pastors and church leaders can help us see that porn use is not a men’s-only issue. It starts with something as simple as adding a couple words to your sermons on sexual sin—say “men and women” instead of just “men” when talking about people who watch porn.
Resources
Recently, my church announced that they were creating a group to support men struggling with sexual sin. But they mentioned no group for women. Every time I see the group in the email blast or on social media I think about my sisters, wondering who they can reach out to and who they can lean on if they are struggling with watching porn or other sexual sin. Sure, a group for women may not look the exact same as a group for men. But in churches that already do the work for men, we simply need to create the space and set aside the time to do the work for women, too.
Community
I am deeply grateful for the women in my life who have helped me speak up about the ways I have struggled with sexual sin. When our churches miss that women are people, too, we’re left alone and isolated from the great gift of community. Truly, we are not meant to do any aspect of life alone (Eccles. 4:8–12). God created us to be in relationship, so I know that support, encouragement, and accountability are meant for all Christians.
women. We struggle to find a safe person to confide in. We feel isolated, unsure of how to move forward. No one preaches freedom and redemption for us from our sexual sin. And that is not what the gospel offers. That moment at church camp was a decade ago this summer. I often wonder what I would tell myself at eighteen. I wish the younger me had the support she needed. I wish she had known to suggest that maybe porn wasn’t just a “guy’s issue.” But I know that eighteenyear-old me was doing the best she could. So if I could, I would promise her that I would bring to light that which is hidden in darkness (1 Cor. 4:5). For her benefit and for the benefit of those around her. I have written this to bring into light my past and the reality that many young women and girls are struggling with porn use, alone and ashamed. We have been in the dark for too long. Let the gospel be good news for us, too.
1. Josh McDowell and Barna Group, The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Porn in the Digital Age (Ventura: Barna Group, 2016), 34. 2. Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky, The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and
How to Recover What God Intended (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2021), 234.
Is This Safe to Drink?
Thoughts on Our Thirst for Intimacy
By Erin F. Moniz
“He won’t have sex with me.”
After only a year of marriage the newlywed couple I had provided pre-marital counseling for was facing a significant difficulty. It had taken about twenty minutes of chit-chat on the phone with this young bride before she could bring herself to declare the awful reality of their marriage. Try as he might, her husband could not find any arousal from their sexual partnership. Instead, his use of porn, in isolation from his wife, seemed to be the only avenue that worked. They were both devastated and shocked. He never dreamed that regular porn use would make him impotent in his marriage.
Female and male partnerships grow out of the gospel of Christ and the knowledge that women and men are both God’s image-bearers and dearly beloved children. Some of these partnerships are in a vocational context or platonic intimacy of friendship as sisters and brothers in Christ. Marriage is a gospel partnership whose covenantal bond allows for deep vulnerability found in intentional, embedded life together. One of the great and tragic ironies of our modern age is that the very aspects of human life that are created for intimacy and connection, like sexual partnership within a marriage, have been distorted to create isolation and disconnection instead.
Saltwater Intimacy
“Water, water, every where, nor any drop to drink.”1 This quote from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner is an illustration I find helpful for revealing the insidious evil that lurks in the broken parts of our relationships. Imagine you are stranded in the ocean without clean water, like those in the poem. Wouldn’t it be maddening being surrounded by undrinkable water? Wouldn’t it be tempting to take a few sips anyway, because surely some saltwater would be better than no water at all?
When something seems to have all the right properties of the very thing we desire, it is a betrayal of nature when the very thing we desire, it is a betrayal of nature when the consumption of this “water” backfires. Drinking the consumption of this “water” backfires. Drinking saltwater causes all kinds of maladies in addition to saltwater causes all kinds of maladies in addition to dehydration and increased thirst. This is the distinct dehydration and increased thirst. This is the distinct affliction of porn on a healthy relationship. We all crave intimacy. Attachment theory shows us We all crave intimacy. Attachment theory shows us our development is shaped by intimate attachments our development is shaped by intimate attachments that start from the very beginning of life. Our Creator that start from the very beginning of life. Our Creator designed us to seek intimate relationships throughout designed us to seek intimate relationships throughout our lives. This is a gift of God’s grace. As we seek our lives. This is a gift of God’s grace. As we seek intimacy our thirst can lead us to the life-giving water intimacy our thirst can lead us to the life-giving water of healthy relationships. Like clean water for our of healthy relationships. Like clean water for our bodies, safe relationships built on the gospel truths of bodies, safe relationships built on the gospel truths of confession, repentance, restoration, and grace can be a confession, repentance, restoration, and grace can be a refreshing joy of life. There are any number of reasons why our thirst for There are any number of reasons why our thirst for intimacy might drive us to drink saltwater instead. intimacy might drive us to drink saltwater instead. Porn is one kind of “saltwater” or false intimacy in Porn is one kind of “saltwater” or false intimacy in relationships. It is particularly insidious because it looks relationships. It is particularly insidious because it looks like what we crave: it mimics intimacy and relationship. like what we crave: it mimics intimacy and relationship. Instead, porn produces isolation, dysfunction, and Instead, porn produces isolation, dysfunction, and shame. It dehydrates what healthy intimacy we may shame. It dehydrates what healthy intimacy we may have, and it leaves us aching for more intimacy in any have, and it leaves us aching for more intimacy in any way we can find it—often leading us to more porn. way we can find it—often leading us to more porn. Like the young newlywed couple I counseled, my heart breaks when the possibility for healthy, mutual intimacy breaks when the possibility for healthy, mutual intimacy is replaced and rent by a habit that produces the very is replaced and rent by a habit that produces the very opposite of what intimacy desires. Porn is a thriving opposite of what intimacy desires. Porn is a thriving industry built on exploitation and destruction. It industry built on exploitation and destruction. It promises a shortcut to satisfaction by trading connection promises a shortcut to satisfaction by trading connection for isolation, dignity for exploitation and violence, and for isolation, dignity for exploitation and violence, and intimacy for enmity. The saltwater lives up to its essence, intimacy for enmity. The saltwater lives up to its essence, producing greater thirst and affliction. This fracture is producing greater thirst and affliction. This fracture is a threat to the gospel partnership in marriage. God has a threat to the gospel partnership in marriage. God has called women and men to work together, but porn is a called women and men to work together, but porn is a counterfeit, saltwater intimacy, and it creates distance counterfeit, saltwater intimacy, and it creates distance where our Creator has called for closeness.
The Lies of Scarcity
In her book Things Your Mother Never Told You, Kim Gaines Eckert writes:
If sexual addiction is about consumption, then healing is about intimacy. Addiction leads people to value possession and consumption of sexual stimuli over anything else. God calls us to pursue intimacy with God and others over all things.2 The allure of porn is more complex than just sexual arousal. Unfortunately, there is a trend in churches, youth groups, and Christian culture generally to merely focus on arousal as the root of porn use. Is it any wonder that porn use remains rampant in our churches? If our hope is to simply contain our sexual appetites through sheer will, we have missed out on the freedom offered us through the power of the Holy Spirit. If we want to combat this addiction, it is important to discern the condition of our souls.
When we begin to justify the consumption of saltwater intimacy, like porn, it is because of lack. If we do not have clean water, we become dehydrated and panic. This urgent scarcity can drive us to grasp at anything and everything that promises even a glimmer of the intimacy for which we thirst.
As Christians we need to remember that we have the Holy Spirit and the promise of God’s loving presence. God has adopted us and now gives us everything for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3, NRSV). Our new identities in Christ are ones of abundance and care. Even in the troubles of this world, the transcendent power of the indwelling Spirit of Christ allows us access to a fruitful, flourishing life. The enemy of this world cannot change what is true about us in Christ, but if we can come to believe something untrue, then we can start to feel as though we are still orphans. For the young husband in my story, he had battled a lie of relational scarcity for most of his life. This lie of scarcity and the grip of shame that flowed from his embracing a saltwater intimacy held him hostage. Even after starting a wonderful marriage with a wife he loved deeply, it took a lot of time and work to flush out the salty effects of his long-term use of porn.
A Call to Drink Fresh Water
I’m happy to say that with grace, counseling, a loving community, and regular re-engagement with the gospel truths that reinforce their identity in Christ, this couple was able to work toward a healthier intimate relationship. It is an ongoing process, but if you are someone on this journey, or wondering if you have what it takes to start, the gospel reminds us that we are made for healthy, grace-filled intimacy within a kingdom of abundance and love. You will need people who can support this journey and remind you of truth along the way. But because of Christ we have access to a power that invites us to goodness and hope. Will we be a community that reminds each other that we are not made for saltwater intimacy, but are invited to follow Jesus to the freshwater well of intimacy he desires for us?
Erin F. Moniz is a college chaplain at Baylor University and creates content for emerging adults about healthy relationships, intimacy, and community. She is also co-host for CBE’s Mutuality Matters podcast “New Voices” segment.
1. Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, in The Poetical Works of S.T. Coleridge, ed. Henry Nelson Coleridge (London: W. Pickering, 1834), part 2, lines 121–22. 2. Kim Gaines Eckert, Things Your Mother Never Told You: A Woman’s Guide to Sexuality (Downers Grove: IVP, 2014), 92.
Is There Such a Thing as Ethical Porn?
Male and Female Perspectives
By William B. Bowes and Alejandra Fontecha-Bowes
In a 2018 interview, Lutheran pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber argued against shaming the consumption of porn by argued against shaming the consumption of porn by suggesting that rather than harboring shame about it, suggesting that rather than harboring shame about it, Christians could use what she referred to as “ethically Christians could use what she referred to as “ethically sourced porn.”1 Bolz-Weber is only one of many who have voiced a similar call, namely that while some porn consumption is harmful, there is a way to engage with it positively and responsibly. But is this really a viable position? Based on what porn is and what effects it produces, can Christian women and men come to understand the consumption of (at least certain types of) porn as ethical?
The reason why we must answer this question is simply because of the ubiquity of hypersexualized material. Our culture is becoming increasingly pornified to the point that it is extremely difficult to avoid engaging with porn, if not impossible. We need not rehash more statistics here, but it suffices to say that the presence of porn in our communities is unavoidable, and its negative effects on our development and on our relationships are becoming increasingly obvious.
When Bolz-Weber and others refer to ethical forms of porn, they mean porn that is made legally and consensually, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, and does not involve or display abuse or overt harm. This idea of sexual ethics is common but overly simplistic. The claim is that the way the material was produced is the primary factor that makes it acceptable, rather than who consumes it, how they consume it, or the psychological, relational, and societal effects of that consumption. Aside from the fact that there is no way that viewers could know with certainty the circumstances of the production of particular pornographic materials, effect has just as much bearing on ethics as source. For example, if a person falsely claims to be a doctor and performs a botched surgery on one patient, and another honest, qualified doctor also botches the same surgery on a different patient, the effect is just as negative for the patients either way.
Our core argument is that regardless of consent or intent, ethical porn is not a legitimate category, and there are no circumstances under which the consumption of porn does not lead to a negative result, particularly when understood from a Christian point of view. We intend to show this by focusing on how porn harms both women and men based on how we have seen its effects in our own lives, in the lives of those we love, and in the lives of those we serve in our work as mental health counselors.
The claim is
acceptable.
A Male Perspective: Lessons in Objectifi cation
In speaking to fellow men about this issue I (William) have found that, more often than not, porn is the main form of sex education that we receive during our teenage years, and it shapes what we find attractive. With repeated consumption of porn, the women men see become little more than a means to an end: women become tools of entertainment and catharsis more than people with souls and personalities. Inasmuch as it becomes habitual, porn serves as a way to practice this sort of thinking. Over time, the sexual ethic of the man who watches porn devolves from focusing on connection and relationship to idolizing personal satisfaction without consequences. When this happens, porn desacralizes and commodifies sex. It is not that men consume porn because they want to objectify (and thus devalue) women, but the effect of repeated consumption is the development of this kind of a pornified mindset. I wish this was a more uncommon story. Whether inside or outside of a counseling setting, I regularly hear from men (both Christian and non-Christian) who complain that they feel like they cannot fully enjoy intimacy with their partners because their real, human experience feels boring compared to the fantasy world of porn to which their minds have become accustomed. This has obvious deleterious effects on their relationships, and it can create a sort of “grass-is-greener” mentality. Watching porn leads men into a perpetual sense of dissatisfaction with what was intended to be fully satisfying. If the goal is for men to be prepared for a healthy sexual relationship with one woman for a lifetime, the constant novelty and variety that characterizes porn sets men up for failure.
Porn cannot therefore be a victimless experience; there is real damage done to men as absorbers of such content and to the women with whom they interact. Perhaps the most negative effect of porn that I see in men is that it teaches them to use women for self-centered ends and does not prepare them for the constant self-giving that characterizes a healthy marriage. Porn depersonalizes what is intensely personal, and thereby cheapens what should never be cheap: intimacy. If these sorts of effects emerge when men watch porn, even when the porn was made with consensual participants, how can we call it ethical?
Watching porn leads men into a perpetual sense of dissatisfaction with what was intended to be fully satisfying. . . . The constant novelty and variety that characterizes porn sets men up for failure.
A Female Perspective: Healing Our Idea of Sexuality
In counseling and small group settings, when I (Alejandra) talk to women about porn, it often becomes clear that our ideas about sexuality are based on a double standard that sees women as the sole victims of purity culture and sees marriage as the only gateway to sexual health and freedom. With this as our framework we’ve created a shame-focused idea of sexuality that neglects the inner work required to respond to sexual desire thoughtfully—with something more than total avoidance or total license. I believe that in order to appreciate their sexuality as a part of themselves and to overcome the shame associated with porn use, women need to understand their sexual story, and ultimately to learn how to embrace how their personal narrative informs their sexual ethic. This is one of the core ideas in Jay Stringer’s recent book, Unwanted, which I frequently recommend to women.2 Knowing how our story was written and working to rewrite it are the keys to healing what porn has damaged. Our upbringing, our relationships, our hurts, and our insecurities all inform that story, and exploring these in a safe context with other women who love us can help us understand why porn hurts us and why we may continue to desire it anyway. Knowing our story helps us to understand our desires, and ultimately to take steps toward a more balanced perspective on porn. A balanced perspective is one that does not just seek to avoid porn or to treat it as harmless, but instead focuses on healing our deeper sexual brokenness. Make no mistake—this takes practice and a willingness to invite others into our process, but our answer should not be
an attitude that says, “People are going to watch porn anyway, so let’s just change how it is watched.” Whether a woman is watching porn or dealing with the effects of others watching it, the consumption of porn is ultimately degrading because it portrays womanhood only in explicitly sexual contexts, and often ones that victims of purity culture and sees marriage as the only involve subjugation to men. A Christian view of sexual gateway to sexual health and freedom. With this as health that values women is one that involves vulnerable, our framework we’ve created a shame-focused idea intentional connection at the deepest level of mutually of sexuality that neglects the inner work required to interacting intimacy and safety. I encourage women respond to sexual desire thoughtfully—with something who deal with their own or another’s consumption of more than total avoidance or total license. I believe porn to allow God and others to journey with them that in order to appreciate their sexuality as a part through their sexual story. This helps women recognize of themselves and to overcome the shame associated how their experience of their own bodies, of intimacy, with porn use, women need to understand their sexual and of sexual desire are deeply related to their own story, and ultimately to learn how to embrace how development as a person, their family background, and their personal narrative informs their sexual ethic. their innermost desires, hurts, and self-image. The end goal of this journey is not just greater self-awareness but This is one of the core ideas in Jay Stringer’s recent book, a change in their mindset toward sex. Unwanted, which I frequently recommend to women. Knowing how our story was written and working to rewrite it are the keys to healing what porn has damaged. Our upbringing, our relationships, our hurts, and our insecurities all inform that story, and exploring these in a safe context with other women who love us can help us understand why porn hurts us and why we may continue to desire it anyway. Knowing our story helps us to understand our desires, and ultimately to take steps toward a more balanced perspective on porn. A balanced perspective is one that does not just seek to avoid porn or to treat it as harmless, but instead focuses on healing our deeper sexual brokenness. Make no mistake—this takes practice and a willingness to invite others into our process, but our answer should not be Using ethically produced porn will not erase the negative effects porn consumption has on women, as if the problem is the type of porn rather than porn itself. Just because an act is consensual, that does not mean it is beneficial, neutral, or contributes to the flourishing of women. Ethically produced porn still presents a degraded, cheapened view of sex. Instead, every woman needs to step back and reevaluate what we believe sexuality is, what it means to us, and how our own desires speak to us about our stories and where their answers lie. As for the satisfaction of those desires, and the healing and restoration we need most, porn provides nothing.
Conclusion: A Practical Alternative
If we agree that porn can never be ethical, this leads to broader questions. Specifically, about how believers can emphasize that the most ethical, beautiful forms of sexual expression are other-focused, self-giving, and personal. They result in the most flourishing when expressed in a context of being fully known, where intimacy, commitment, and safety are equally present. The counterfeit experience porn provides is not only a cheap substitute of this vision of sexuality but actively works against it. Both women and men have been harmed by the creation and consumption of porn, and both women and men need to actively deconstruct how porn affects our thinking and our view of ourselves and of relationships. And, we would suggest, it also requires changes in vocabulary so that we can understand that “purity” is not the pursuit of a state of abstinence from porn but the active training of an un-pornified mindset. When we embody this in our lives and relationships, we will be more than a voice decrying the idea of ethical porn—we will be a living testament to another way, and a far more fulfilling one.
We know that stating our rejection of porn is not a long-term solution. Therefore, we’d like to share three practical, potentially fruitful ways forward in how our communities address porn and for our cultivation of a different, healthier sexual ethic.
1.
We must begin with providing open spaces to confront the reality of porn in our communities without shame, but with a commitment to pursuing a different way. This can only truly happen when we actively nurture a culture of real openness and trust, where people can discuss sexual issues without shame and with the assumption that sex is fundamentally good and beautiful despite how it has been distorted. This entails a confrontation not only with non-Christian distortions of sexuality which embrace license, but also with Christian distortions of sexuality which amplify shame.
2.
We ensure that sexuality is a regular, recurring conversation and not an occasional sermon topic or the We ensure that sexuality is a regular, recurring conversation and not an occasional sermon topic or the focus of a (usually male) support group. Especially with our children, we address sexual issues with regularity, without avoidance, and we specifically address porn before they ever see it. regularity, without avoidance, and we specifically address porn before they ever see it.
3.
We perpetuate and sustain healthy sexuality in our communities by emphasizing the importance of relationships that are respectful and not sexually self-centered. Churches could cultivate this by highlighting the importance and legitimacy of male-female friendships, celebrating couples within the community who do this well, and giving those couples opportunities to guide and mentor younger couples.
1. Johnny Walsh, “Nadia Bolz-Weber Does Ministry
Differently,” Out In Jersey, 21 October 2018, https:// outinjersey.net/nadia-bolz-weber-does-ministry-differently/. 2. Jay Stringer, Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our
Way to Healing (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2018). William B. Bowes and Alejandra Fontecha-Bowes are married, both work as mental health counselors, and met while fi nishing degrees from GordonConwell Theological Seminary. Alejandra comes from a Colombian family and William from a Cuban family, and they live in Boston, Massachusetts.
