Monday, November 28, 2016
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Women’s health under Trump
CHRIS GATELEY | MUSTANG NE WS CHANGES
| Aspects of women’s reproductive health such as abortion, federal healthcare contraceptive coverage and the funding of Planned Parenthood may look different under a Trump presidency.
Looking into Planned Parenthood, abortion and Obamacare Emily Holland Special to Mustang News
Many women are worried about the future of access to birth
control and abortion under a Donald Trump presidency. His campaign spoke of plans to repeal Obamacare, defund Planned Parenthood and po-
tentially overturn the critical Supreme Court abortion case Roe v. Wade. Before the election, Trump published his “First 100 Days Plan” which included a motion to repeal and replace Obamacare, the universal health care legislation President Barack Obama enacted in 2010. Under Obamacare, health insurance plans have to cover contraceptive methods and counseling for all women as prescribed by
a healthcare provider. In a post-election interview with The Wall Street Journal, Trump said he would consider leaving certain parts of Obamacare intact. However, he’s made no comment on whether birth control will remain covered by insurance under his new plan. If birth control is no longer covered, many women whose health insurance currently covers their contraceptives will no
longer have access to them. Psychology junior Lucy McNeil has been on the birth control pill for nine months through Obamacare. “I know there have been a lot of complaints about the affordability of Obamacare, but I’m screwed without it,” McNeil said. “Paying for birth control out of my own pocket would definitely take a toll on its availability to me.” McNeil went to Planned
Parenthood to get birth control last year. Visiting Planned Parenthood was a smooth and easy process according to McNeil, but Trump has voiced his disdain of federal funding for the reproductive health care provider. Trump said he “wouldn’t fund Planned Parenthood as long as abortion is happening” during a speech in March. Continued on page 2
SLODOCO continues to reinvent the donut Frances Mylod-Vargas @CPMustangNews
Erin Parsons, a creative baker at SLO Donut Co. (SLODOCO), is reinventing the traditional donut. Parsons wasn’t always the creative genius behind the sweet treats. She started out at SLODOCO in the front of the shop, serving donuts and making coffee for customers. She was curious about the process involved in baking donuts and she suggested the idea of a weekly donut flavor
to her boss in August of 2015 after working at the shop for a year. “It started out with a new frosting or two and then [my boss] kept allowing me to do even more,” Parsons said. “Now I have a whole position where I’m creating a monthly menu of seasonal specials.” Parsons assembled a three-person creative baking team that is constantly brainstorming different ideas for unique donut flavors. Continued on page 5
SAMMI MULHERN AND TABATA GORDILLO | MUSTANG NE WS SUGAR AND SPICE | Among SLODOCO’s special donuts are an eggnog raised donut, a gingerbread cake donut and a zebra pop donut.
CHRIS GATELEY | MUSTANG NE WS YOU’RE OUT
| Since the Mustangs lost, their football season is over.
Mustangs fall to Toreros in first round of FCS playoffs Erik Engle @erik_engle
Despite another 100-yard game from junior fullback Joe Protheroe, the no. 21 Mustangs were upset by the no. 24 University of San Diego Toreros in the opening round of the NCAA FCS Division I playoffs Saturday at Alex G. Spanos Stadium. With the victory, the Toreros picked up their first win in San Luis Obispo and became the first team from the Pioneer Football League to ever win a playoff game. The Mustangs managed to keep the game close after falling behind early, but the Toreros’ timely defense and steady rushing attack ultimately proved to be too much for the Mustangs. Senior running back Jonah Hodges led the way for the Toreros as he carved through the Mustangs’ defense for three
News 1-3 | Arts 4-5 | Opinion 6 | Classifieds 7 | Sports 8
touchdowns and 171 yards rushing on a very slick, muddy field that was soaked by rain for hours before kickoff. “It was rough out there,” Hodges said. “I think our [offensive] line did a great job of getting me a little space and I think that the defense had a hard time cutting. We just wanted to go out there and chip away.” Hodges made his presence known from the very beginning of the game as he ripped through the defense for a 46-yard gain on the first play from scrimmage. After two successful pass plays put the Toreros inside the Mustangs’ 10yard line, Hodges squeaked past two Mustangs on his way to the end zone to put San Diego up 7-0 early in the first quarter. Continued on page 8
NEWS 2
MUSTANG NEWS
How the hardships of immigration affect immigrant health
CHRIS GATELEY | MUSTANG NE WS
WHAT CAUSES DIABETES | While it is commonly accepted that the cause of diabetes is obesity, that theory is not true for most Asian Americans, Cal Poly kinesiology professor Marilyn Tseng said. Annie Vainshtein Special to Mustang News
What causes Type 2 diabetes? For most, there’s one obvious answer; obesity is the top risk factor. But Cal Poly kinesiology professor Marilyn Tseng thinks there may be something else that plays a crucial role. Before she started teaching at Cal Poly, Tseng worked at the Fox Chase Cancer Center, a research hospital in Philadelphia. Tseng worked with Chinese immigrants for years and she started to see a troubling trend: diseases and conditions that weren’t prevalent for Chinese-Americans
Continued from page 1
Planned Parenthood receives about $500 million annually. About 43 percent of their total budget comes from the federal government, according to their 2014-2015 annual report. This money covers STI screenings and treatments, birth control, sexual education and other forms of preventative health care. Abortion makes up only three percent of Planned Parenthood’s services, according to the report. If Trump defunds the organization, it would have a severe impact on women across the country, McNeil said. Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, released a statement after the election in which she emphasized that people from every background — immigrants, people of color, the LGBTQ community, people of faith and more — will continue to get the support and medical care they need. Beyond these issues, the overturning of Roe v. Wade is a daunting possiblity for women’s health care rights. The 1973 Supreme Court Case secured a woman’s right to
suddenly spiked for them once they immigrated. Diabetes was one of them. “Even though the Chinese-Americans are thinner than the non-Hispanic white population in the U.S.; we’re actually at higher risk for diabetes,” Tseng said. “Usually, the risk factor that we say for diabetes is obesity, but the Asian population is really not obese.” Initially, Tseng had looked to nutritional epidemiology, or the study of how our nutrition impacts our health, to explain the diabetes phenomenon. It seemed simple: adopting a new culture could mean less healthy eating and have an abortion. “Planned Parenthood has been here for 100 years and one thing is clear: we will never back down and we will never stop fighting to ensure that Planned Parenthood patients have access to the care they need,” Richards said. “Healthcare should not be political.” Kristin Sanders, English lecturer and Planned Parenthood volunteer and advocate, used Planned Parenthood facilities while in graduate school after being denied health insurance coverage for a pre-existing condition of HPV. Under Obamacare it’s currently illegal to be denied insurance based on a pre-existing condition. Trump said he would consider keeping this policy when repealing and replacing Obamacare, according to the post-election interview with The Wall Street Journal. However, that was not the case when Sanders was in graduate school. She felt so moved after her interactions with Planned Parenthood that she decided to go public about her positive experiences. She’s been volunteering with the organization ever since. “I have loved every experience I’ve had as a Planned Parenthood patient,” Sanders said. “For me, Planned Parenthood is a place where I can get affordable, non-judgmental, queer and trans-inclusive health care.” The thought of Planned Parenthood losing funding leaves Sanders worried for those who need their services, including access to STI testing,
more receipts from Buffalo Wild Wings. But Tseng says that’s not the case. Instead, the diets of most Chinese-American immigrants hardly change. Nutrition was simply not enough to explain what was going on. At the Fox Chase Cancer Center, Tseng worked with health psychologist Carolyn Fang. Fang studies some of the psychological factors that can interact with physical health and put people at higher risk for disease. The question bubbled until the summer of 2015, when Fang and Tseng received a grant to test their pet theory, that stress can be the gateway to diabetes. “There is quite a bit of research
over the past three decades which suggests that under conditions of chronic stress, there are certain physiologic changes that occur in the body that might make one more vulnerable to disease,” Fang said. Much of the research focused on inflammation, which scientists say can predispose people to develop a metabolic disorder, or a cluster of conditions that eventually materialize into a chronic disease like diabetes. Stress can be difficult to quantify, but Fang and Tseng are finding a way. The two are working with Clemens Kirschbaum, a researcher from Germany who measures lev-
els of the stress hormone cortisol in hair. Doing this allows researchers to see the stress levels of a person up to six months back, a more long-term look at stress. The other component is a detailed questionnaire asking immigrants about their experiences with discrimination, the difficulties of assimilation and the overall emotional experience of their transition. But studying the effects of stress on physical health can also tread into controversial water. “We don’t want people to think they’re being blamed for their disease,” Fang said. Fortunately, epigenetics can pro-
vide some support. Epigenetics examines the environment’s influence on our genes or, specifically, the mechanisms by which some genes turn on and some genes turn off. Knowing this can help develop the understanding of the disease. If our DNA was once thought to be paramount in uncovering long-term truths about our physiology, epigenetics combs apart the script. Cal Poly biological sciences professor Sandi Clement will be collaborating with Tseng and Fang on their research to analyze through epigenetics how exactly stress “gets into the body.”
CHRIS GATELY | MUSTANG NE WS DEFUND PP | President-elect Trump has plans to defund Planned Parenthood which would take away preventative sexual healthcare services.
health screenings, birth control and family planning. “Planned Parenthood is such a positive force in our communities,” Sanders said. “I believe they’re doing important work for people of all genders.” Another item on Trump’s “First 100 Days Plan” is to fill the empty seat left by the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia with someone equally conservative.
However, replacing Judge Scalia’s seat with another conservative justice won’t dramatically change the makeup of the Supreme Court. Jennifer Denbow, a political science assistant professor who specializes in reproductive law and politics, said that an overturn of Roe v. Wade only starts to become a likely threat if additional seats become available in the Supreme Court within the next four years.
“Courts are passive entities, so the Supreme Court would have to wait for a case to be brought to them to rule on,” Denbow said. “Pro-life legal organizations would then have the opportunity to bring a test case — a case to explicitly overturn a ruling the particular group is against — to court.” If a test case was brought to court with multiple new right-leaning justices, Roe v. Wade may be overturned, Denbow said. In that case, it would be up to individual states to decide.
“Even if Roe v. Wade was overturned, abortion rights would then become a state issue,” Denbow said. “So in California it’s unlikely that abortion would be illegal, but in a lot of states it would be.” Denbow urges young adults to counter the defeatist attitude she’s seen some students express in her classes. If people organize and push their state legislators, it could mean potentially funding organizations like Planned Parenthood on a state-level even if federal funding is cut off, she said.
NEWS 3
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2016
LAES project draws attention to school shootings CHRISTA LAM | MUSTANG NE WS SENSE OF SAFETY | Liberal arts and engineering studies and architecture students created a display on Dexter Lawn titled “SOS” or “Sense of Safety” to raise awareness on the prevalence of school shootings.
Sydney Harder @CPMustangnews
The week before Thanksgiving break, a team of six students brought a display to Dexter Lawn to raise awareness about the prevalence of school shootings across the nation. Constructed of six laser-cut panels set in wood framing, the exhibit featured an interactive display with quotes and year-toyear statistics on gun violence. “We’re not trying to push anyone, like ‘no guns,’ or anything like that, we just want to come up with a solution,” architecture sophomore and team member
Melina van Oers said. Liberal arts and engineering studies and architecture students collaborated on this project, titled “SOS” or “Sense Of Safety,” for their Project-Based Learning in Liberal Arts and Engineering Studies class (LAES 301/302) class. “Our assignment was to create a booth that is interactive and informs people about the number of school shootings in the United States,” liberal arts and engineering studies senior Will Lewis said. The designers conveyed the data by creating holes perforating the individual panels, each hole equivalent to two school
Different colors of paint corresponded with the participants’ respective years at Cal Poly.
shootings that have occurred in the United States. Liberal arts and engineering studies sophomore Kevin Glass added that the infographic was “also meant to gather an opinion of people based on their demographic on how safe they feel at Cal Poly’s campus.” Students could silently add to the discussion by adding their fingerprint in paint on the panel that represented how safe they felt on campus. Different colors of paint corresponded with the participants’ respective years at Cal Poly. Business administration freshman Brittany Pedrosa said that, though it was creatively designed
and pertinent to societal concerns, the display did not allow for the diversity of perspectives on the issue. “It doesn’t really show every group, in terms of race, minorities, sexual orientation … and I think that’s something that could definitely be shown. If you’re a certain race, you feel a different way,” Pedrosa said. The team has been working on this assignment since the beginning of the quarter. They hope that its design and simple construction— the collapsible display takes only 20 minutes to set up— will capture the attention of other universities.
Students “Stand Above” violent extremism in panel discussion
Austin Linthicum @ austinlinthicum AUSTIN LINTHICUM | MUSTANG NE WS STAND ABOVE | The campaign is a Cal Poly senior project focused on ending violent extremism.
As part of a senior project, business administration students hosted a panel discussion about violent extremism titled “Stand Above” on Nov. 16. The panel, consisting of three Muslim Cal Poly students and three Muslim Cal Poly professors, discussed the importance of being informed about the Muslim faith, accepting others and combating Islamophobia. At the conclusion of the “Stand Above” panel, the audience took an online pledge, showing their commitment to stopping discrimination, creating change and helping to end terrorism. “We are all here in this county to be helpful to each other and get to know each other — not to hate each other or fight against each other,” panelist and civil and environmental engineering professor Ashraf Rahim said. “We’re all in [the] same boat. To keep the
boat sailing, I think we should get together.” “Stand Above” was born from a senior project assigned by a Cal Poly business administration professor. Business administration students then created “Fusion Marketing,” the agency that built the university’s campaign. The student agency received a budget of $2,000 to produce a real campaign that has measurable impact on the campus and the community. Sponsored by EdVenture Partners, schools from around the nation are also competing to build a campaign with the goal of challenging extremism. When the competition concludes at the end of the quarter, students will put together a report detailing the reach and impact of their campaign. If Cal Poly places in the top six teams, the team will receive scholarships ranging from $5,000 to $10,000. If the group places, they could present the campaign to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security
and Facebook, giving the project the chance to be taken to a national level. President of the Cal Poly chapter of the Muslim Student Association Rubia Siddiqi supports the idea of acceptance being spread across campus and through the U.S. with this project. “It is so important that people that aren’t Muslim know what Islam is and that we are accepted as part of the community,” civil and environmental engineering graduate student Siddiqi said. Given the recent presidential election, the panelists noted the timeliness of this event. “After an election, hate crimes go up. It’s a good time to debrief and talk about things in a time when people want to get information,” political science sophomore and panelist Neda Jamaly said. “Its not an easy time for us,” Rahim said. “The feeling is to leave the country totally.” To sign the campaign’s pledge, visit stand-above.com.
ARTS 4
MUSTANG NEWS
David Sedaris mixes humor and sentiment at the PAC
COURTESY PHOTO | HUGH HAMRICK DEEP HUMOR
| David Sedaris’ work shows a deep understanding of human nature through satire.
Anjana Melvin @CPMustangNews
The stress of midterms and last minute pre-Thanksgiving break to-do lists seemed to fade as David Sedaris stepped on stage in the Christopher Cohan Performing Arts Center (PAC) on Nov. 14. When the lights dimmed, Sedaris walked out wearing what looked like a plaid skirt. “This is not a skirt,” he said. “It’s a culotte.” Sedaris is a humor essay writer and has been crowned by numerous reviewers as one of America’s best satirists. He has sold more than 10 million copies of his work and is a regular correspondent for The New Yorker. In between writing books, Sedaris also tours. Sedaris started his Cal Poly show by reading “Letter from Santa’s mailbag,” a story he wrote for his BBC Holiday Special this December. The story focused on Kirk, a seven-year-old boy whose mother married an abusive recovering drug addict named Cornelius. Kirk wrote a letter to Santa to thank him for his Christmas present. The letter seemed to be full of wholesome holiday spirit straight from the heart of a child. That is, until Sedaris revealed that Kirk met “Santa,” an old, fat man with tattoos and a piercing, who offered Kirk a ride home. During the ride, Kirk shared his feelings of hatred for his stepfather with “Santa.” The story ends with Cornelius dead on the floor and Kirk saying that “He could’ve tried harder to breathe, but that’s what Cornelius was. A quitter.” Kirk thanked “Santa” for the best Christmas gift he could have ever received. Sedaris usually writes memoirs and satire about his life experiences, so it was interesting to hear a simple comedic story in which he wasn’t the protagonist. Next, Sedaris returned to familiar territory, simultaneously
mixing humor with sentiment in a story about his family at their beach house in Emerald Isle, North Carolina. He fondly named the house “Sea Section.” The story started with David Sedaris describing his sister Amy Sedaris and her interest in astrology. Whenever she met someone, she would ask them when their birthday was and say things like, “Ah, Gemini. That makes sense.” Her interest in astrology encouraged her to see a psychic, which is where the story took a sorrowful turn. Amy came back from seeing the psychic and told David that she had seen Tiffany Sedaris, their sister who had committed suicide years earlier. Amy told David that Tiffany wanted him to know “she’s not mad anymore” and that “she’s been working on herself.”
He could’ve tried harder to breathe, but that’s what Cornelius was. A quitter. DAVID SEDARIS
“She’s not mad?” David said, indignantly. “I’m the one who should be mad!” David then segued to a question someone on his radio show asked him: “If Tiffany was in front of you right now, what would you ask her?” There was pin-drop silence in the room as the audience held their breath, waiting for a punch line they knew he was about to deliver. “Can I have that $6,000 I loaned you?” Beneath all the humor in the story lies the denial and self-realization that David can skillfully portray. “The psychic only tells us what we want to hear,” he said. David said that he partly blamed
himself for his sister’s death. When she was alive, he would think, “She’s not my problem. Not when she was raped. Not when she was hospitalized after trying to kill herself the first time.” David’s family helped reassure him by claiming that this behavior was typical of Tiffany. When David talked about this, his voice invited the audience into his innermost thoughts and his deepest regrets at what seemed like the exact time he realized them himself. Each of his essays, no matter how comical or satirical, holds a sense of vulnerability that followed him throughout his life. Reading his self-awareness in his books is a completely different experience from hearing it through his voice. Something about the little catch in his throat as he ended the story brought heart-wrenching emotion into a story that was otherwise filled with belly-aching laughs. The highlight of the night was the end of David’s performance when he was reading a few of his diary entries, which he started writing in 1977. He talked about everything, from a one-handed man folding laundry at a laundromat to advice he gave a young Muslim boy in Texas: “Accept Jesus as your savior.” “I heard something completely fucked up and realized it was coming out of my mouth,” David said about the exchange. Though the audience mostly consisted of people older than 30, David’s work is so diverse in his juxtaposition of humor and sorrow and so attuned to human nature that it could appeal to the younger generations, too. David’s work is characterized by his two selves, his personal self and the one he allows people to see. His second self is one he controls; he can make his drug addiction seem “cute” and can describe his sister’s suicide light-heartedly. Beneath his wit, humor and satirical tone is an understanding of and a compassion for human nature: the good, the bad and the ugly.
Why visual arts are still important in school Carly Quinn @carlyquinnMN
One of the most exciting parts about starting a new year in elementary school was going to the store to buy a fresh, beautiful new box of crayons. These crayons may have been used to draw, practice spelling or add and subtract. Crayons were imperative to every child’s educational development. In Cal Poly’s Visual Arts in the Elementary Classroom class (LS 211), liberal studies students learn how crayons may have played a larger role in education than they thought. Liberal studies lecturer Juleen Packard, who also teaches art classes at various elementary schools in the San Luis Obispo area, said she thinks learning through visual arts fosters a creative outlet that will allow the child to continue being creative after they leave elementary school. “This world we’re living in now is so visual,” Packard said. “Even if they’re not producing visual arts, at least they have an appreciation and understanding of it.” Packard sends her students to oversee at least one art class at a local elementary school to observe firsthand how teachers incorporate visual arts into their lessons. Teachers from Old Mission School in San Luis Obispo frequently use art in their classes. Visual arts can range from maps to drawings, models to charts or diagrams to photographs. Third grade teacher Mary Donnelly said the pictures in her class’ science books help her students under-
stand concepts more easily. “[Photographs] give them that affective domain when they can look at something like that,” Donnelly said. “Not only to learn, but to really feel.” Affective domain is the theory that every person’s learning style is different, so teachers should be open to different teaching methods. “I think when kids have different learning modalities, just to be able to see a picture of something is a way of re-teaching,” first through sixth grade science and math teacher Margaret Gresens said. “It’s a good way to teach kids who would otherwise lose the information auditorily.” There are nine recognized forms of intelligence, originally proposed in Howard Gardener’s theory of multiple intelligences in 1983. Two of the forms, logical-mathematical and linguistic, make up the material that students are tested on in school. That excludes seven other possible forms of intelligence. In our society, success in these other forms of intelligence is not as valued as success in academia. “I think it helps them have value,” fourth grade teacher Brittany Enamorado said. “You know, if I may not be good in my academics but I have value in my art, or I can take my skill in that art and it transfers over so I can be a more confident student.” Incorporating spatial intelligence, or the ability to visualize things with one’s mind, into the classroom gives students more paths to acheive success. Many teachers agree that having
a visual connection with a piece of information can help students solidify the information in their brain so they can recall it more easily later. Fifth and sixth grade teacher Nicolle Gilsdorf is currently working on a map project with her students to teach them about different details in a landscape, like gulfs and straits. The students create their own continents, incorporating these features by drawing, labeling and coloring the map. They write about their projects afterward. “What’s important to me is the buy-in of the students,” Gilsdorf said. “The kids want to do this; I have a couple of kids who really struggle with writing but they want to tell me their story of their imaginary creature on their continent.” Several teachers in San Luis Obispo agree that elementary-aged students are more interested in art than in reading a textbook. “You will form more concrete memory and better recall things when they’re attached to emotion,” Enamorado said. “And so that feeling of ‘I love this’ or ‘I’m excited’ helps them to be able to recall that.” Incorporating exciting visual arts opportunities may not only be beneficial, but it’s relatively easy. “The one thing that [LS 211] really taught us is that visual arts can really be brought into anything,” liberal studies sophomore Robyn Amendola said. “Students are having fun and it usually helps them to retain information better.”
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MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2016 Continued from page 1
Aside from creating recipes that will be regulars on the menu, the team is responsible for producing the monthly donut menu. This November, specials include a pumpkin pie cake donut, a gingerbread cake donut and an eggnog raised donut. The creative baking team starts their shift at 5 a.m. every day to
ensure the specials are decorated and ready in time for the morning rush. Political science senior Kelli Normand has worked at SLODOCO for two years and said that she has seen an increase in business since the shop’s donut selection has grown. “There’s almost always a line now,” Normand said. “Sometimes it’s hard to keep up as an
employee because every month we have different donuts so it’s pretty insane to try and remember all of them.” One of Parsons’ most popular creations is a Circus Animal cookie donut, which originated from a grocery store errand run. “I had $10 and I wanted to get five ingredients to try in different donuts,” Parsons said. “Circus Animal cookies was one
of the things I grabbed and people got really excited about that donut.” Other recent additions to SLODOCO’s menu include the doffle (a donut-waffle hybrid) and vegan donuts. “I think there’s been more interest from customers when they come in,” Parsons said. “They want to see what’s different, what’s new and they’re ex-
cited to talk about each flavor.” Graphic communication senior Alyssa Wigant is a SLODOCO regular and visits the shop at least three times a week to study and socialize. “I love their vibes,” Wigant said. “I think SLODOCO is becoming the Central Coast’s Voodoo Doughnut with their creative, new flavors.” Parsons also uses her creativity to connect with customers on social
media. Aside from baking, she’s in charge of marketing and media operations at SLODOCO and has been responsible for revamping the store’s presence on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat. “I really enjoy exploring customers’ connection with social media and different forms of customer outreach,” Parsons said. “Business growth as a whole is something I’m very interested in.”
SAMMI MULHERN AND TABATA GORDILLO | MUSTANG NE WS OUTSIDE THE BOX | SLODOCO’s creative baking team is constantly thinking of new ideas.
OPINION 6
MUSTANG NEWS
The Weekly Bull: OPINION
MUSTANG NEWS
We answer your family’s questions so you don’t have to
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ILLUSTR ATION BY NEIL SANDHU | MUSTANG NE WS ACTING CHILDISH
| This week we give you some conversation-ready answers that are sure to get you out of those annoying questions your family insists on asking.
Neil Sandhu @CPMustangNews
Neil Sandhu is a biomedical engineering senior and an editor for Mustang News. The Weekly Bull is a purely satirical column and any references to actual people or organizations are coincidental. The satire expressed within this column does not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Mustang News or the Mustang News editorial board. “So what are your plans after college?” “Why the f*ck are you asking me this?” For the number of times my reactionary tongue has attempted to pass off this callous remark as a legitimate response to the unsolicited questions that are thrown at me from across the dinner table, you would think I hated my family. Unfortunately, asking your grandma, “Da f*ck?” isn’t going to earn you an extra slice of pie after dinner and it does a subpar job at hiding the fact that you don’t even have a, well, sub-par job lined up yet. No one likes questions, especially ones we don’t have answers
to. And if you’re anything like me, “home for the holidays” can sometimes feel more like a congressional select committee hearing on Benghazi than an actual dinner. I want to do my part to make sure that you make it through winter break without another mashed potato incident (2013, never forget). I interviewed the foremost expert on snarky remarks (me), supplying a few template answers that are more dry than the leftover turkey that is now sitting in your fridge. Just insert these carefully crafted responses into your own conversations, and you’ll be back to being ignored in no time. Who did you vote for? “Oh, the same person as you did.” “I plead the 5th.” (Or if you’re not a b*tch, plead the 2nd, and pull out a .44 revolver from your hip holster, place it next to the superfluous assortment of tiny forks and tell them you didn’t hear them and ask them to repeat the question). How’s school going? “Oh, I dropped out months ago, but I’ve taken the mon-
ey that you thought you were spending on tuition and invested heavily in vintage beanie babies. The returns have been pretty *giggles* soft.” “The funniest thing happened. You know those dreams where stuff starts going terribly for no reason and you’re panicking and have no idea what’s going on? I had one of those a few months ago, I’m still waiting to wake up.” “My classes are kind of like Cal Poly football games. I hear that they’re loads of fun, I just haven’t had the time to make it to one in a while.” What do you do for fun? Avoid the “I watch a lot of Netflix” answer on this one. Just because you like to watch the same TV show over and over again, doesn’t mean you have to keep using the same blasé dry response that got laughs three years ago. Try something new, like: “I sometimes go on the RideShare page and comment on ride-seekers posts ‘I can pick you up, just message me’ and then never return their messages. This way, no one else will offer them rides and they’ll never get home for the holidays and
they’ll never have to be asked the mind-numbing stodgy question that I’m answering right now. I consider my work a public service.” Or instead, just start playing “Black Beatles” and freeze in place. Mannequin challenges are terrible, but old people love feeling young and hip, so they might just join in and forget that they asked you anything in the first place. Are you seeing anyone? “I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT NOW AHAH HAHAHAH HAHAH HAHAHAH HAHAH!“ (hold eye contact and continue laughter until they look away). “My roommate has been dating her boyfriend for about six months now and she sends me screenshots of their conversations and I tell her what to say, so I like to think that 20 percent of that relationship is mine … so, I guess we’ve been dating for over a month now.” “We were both young when I first saw him. I close my eyes and the flashback starts. Im standing there. On the balcony in summer air…” (Go as many verses as you need to, there’s never an inappropriate moment
for a good T-Swift solo). What are your plans for after college? “I’m having such a hard time choosing where I want to live right now. I was thinking about moving into the basement, but there are spiders down there, so I think I’m going to stick with my childhood room. There’s still so much to sort out right now, what color I want to paint it, which candle I want to get, but I’m really just excited about how much of a change it’s going to be.” “I think I’m going to apply to be a Kardashian. I’ve really been working on my selfie portfolio for a while and most people say I’m intolerable, so I like my chances.” OR, if you have recently (by recently, we mean within the last decade) returned from studying abroad, just talk about how much of an adventure it was. Trust me, everyone will stop listening because no one cares how much “Italia” changed your life. Whatever you choose to say, remember, sarcasm is always better than a meaningful conversation with the people who love you. Happy Festivus, Mustangs.
PHOTOGRAPHERS Matthew Lalanne, Sophia O’Keefe, Hanna Crowley, Samantha Mulhern, Andrew Epperson, Christa Lam, Kara Douds, Iliana Arroyos ILLUSTRATOR Roston Johnson ADVERTISING MANAGERS Maddie Spivek, Kristen Corey ART DIRECTOR Erica Patstone PRODUCTION MANAGER Ellen Fabini MARKETING MANAGER Ross Pfeifer ADVERTISING CONSULTANTS Clara Howley, Levi Adissi, Trevor Murchison, Carryn Powers ADVERTISING DESIGNERS Jacqui Luis, Habib Placencia, Kelly Chiu DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Dylan Ring FACULTY ADVISOR Pat Howe GENERAL MANAGER Paul Bittick
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SPORTS 8
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2016
Cal Poly goes 1-2 in Thanksgiving Classic Ayrton Ostly @AyrtonOstly
While many Cal Poly students were home for the Thanksgiving holiday break, the men’s basketball team traveled to Northern Illinois University to play three games over two days in the NIU Thanksgiving Classic. The team went 1-2 in the three games against Northern Illinois, University of Illinois, Chicago and Elon University. Against Northern Illinois The Mustangs started off strong on Wednesday in their first game against the host Huskies, jump-
ing to a 31-21 advantage by halftime on their way to a 68-64 win. Junior guard Victor Joseph had 10 of his game-high 19 points in the first 20 minutes to lead the Mustangs offensively. In the second half, however, the Huskies opened with a 15-5 run to tie it at 36 and kept it close from there on out. There were four lead changes in the second half as both teams traded points until Joseph and sophomore guard Jaylen Shead each made a pair of free throws in the final five seconds of the game. That put the game out of reach for Northern Illinois and secured the only win
of the road trip for the Mustangs. Cal Poly was outrebounded 33-22 and outscored in the paint 28-16 by the Huskies in the win but compensated for the lack of interior offense by going 11-of-22 on three-pointers and shooting 51 overall from the field. Against University of Illinois, Chicago In contrast to the game against Northern Illinois, the Mustangs fell behind 46-25 by halftime on their way to a 84-71 loss to the Flames on Friday. A major key to the deficit at half was Cal Poly’s shooting as the
Mustangs shot 8-for-31 from the field including 2 of 7 on three-point shots. Shead led the team with 20 points and eight rebounds but was one of the only contributors on the offensive end. Sophomore point guard Donovan Fields managed 16 points on 4-of-13 shooting but made all eight of his free throws to lead the Cal Poly bench. The Mustangs were again outrebounded, this time 39-27, but managed to produce on those fewer rebounds to outscore the Flames in the paint 35-28. Cal Poly also continued to shoot well from the free throw line (16 of 17 as a team) but ultimately they could not
overcome a cold shooting first half. Against Elon University Saturday’s game against the Phoenixes saw head coach Joe Callero trot out just eight players as Cal Poly lost 72-66. The Mustangs were up 37-35 by halftime thanks to Joseph shooting well once again. He went 6-of-8 from the field on his way to 14 points and Cal Poly as a team shot 57 percent at the end of the first half. In the second half, the Phoenixes clamped down defensively and held the Mustangs to 10-of-30 shooting
from the floor. Joseph continued his production on offense but it wasn’t enough as the Phoenix went on a 15-9 run over the final four minutes to grab the victory. Going 1-2 in the Thanksgiving Classic, the Mustangs (3-4) close November still in the top four in the Big West Conference. Cal Poly has a pair of home games this weekend: Thursday versus University of Texas, San Antonio and Saturday against Texas A&M, Corpus Christi. This gives the Mustangs a chance to improve on their season before a six-game road trip against non-conference opponents.
cutting the Toreros’ lead to seven. Shepard’s pick-six was the first time the Mustangs’ defense had scored a touchdown since Nick Dzubnar scored after an interception against Northern Arizona in 2012. After the Mustangs made an impressive stand on the Toreros’ next possession to get the ball back to their offense, Protheroe fumbled for the second time in the game. The Toreros managed to scoop up the fumble and Lawrence proceeded to drive them down the field with Hodges finishing the drive off. Hodges’ third score of the day put the Toreros up 35-21 with just under
two and a half minutes left to play, putting the game out of reach for the Mustangs. “They deserve all the credit, they totally outplayed us,” Mustangs’ head coach Tim Walsh said. “Our horizontal game is a big part of who we are, but they did a good job defending it from what it looked like out on the field, but I also think the field had a little bit to do with it too. I’m not going to use the field as an excuse but it was a factor for us.” The victory advances the Toreros to the second round in Fargo, North Dakota as they face the reigning champion North Dakota State next Saturday.
CHRIS GATELY | MUSTANG NE WS
Continued from page 1
After the Mustangs went three and out on their first possession, they got a lucky break as junior defensive back Jerek Rosales recovered a fumble by Toreros’ tight end Ross Dwelley at the Mustangs’ two-yard line. Two plays later, however, the Mustangs squandered their chance on Protheroe’s fumble that was recovered by the Toreros at the Mustangs’ eight-yard line. On the next play, San Diego quarterback Anthony Lawrence found wide receiver Justin Priest on a post route in the back corner of the end zone to put the
Toreros up 14-0 with just under seven minutes to play in the first quarter. “I think they just played us well on the perimeter,” Protheroe said. “I’m not going to blame it on the weather conditions. You gotta be able to play through it.” For the rest of the first half, the Mustangs’ usually high-powered offense continued to sputter, only mustering 195 yards of total offense and converting 5 of 13 chances on third down in the game. The Toreros, however, amassed 473 yards of total offense and converted 11 of 19 attempts on third down. “That really did help our de-
fense, our offense taking the ball and moving it even though they didn’t score,” Toreros’ head coach Dale Lindsey said. “They kept the defense off balance, let us rest.” Redshirt freshman cornerback Kitu Humphrey helped keep Cal Poly close with an interception late in the second quarter to put the Mustangs just outside of the Toreros’ red zone. After quarterback Dano Graves completed a 12-yard pass to convert on a key fourth down, Protheroe hammered in a seven-yard touchdown run to put the Mustangs on the scoreboard just before halftime. After the break, Mustangs’ wide receiver J.J. Koski nearly scored
on the opening kickoff of the second half, taking the ball 85 yards to the Toreros’ seven-yard line. Protheroe finished the job on the first play of the half from scrimmage, scoring on a seven yard run up the middle to tie the game at 14 a piece. The Toreros went on to score two unanswered touchdowns with Hodges and Lawrence doing most of the heavy lifting on offense. With just over eight minutes left in the game, the Mustangs defense once again gave them new life. Senior defensive lineman Kelly Shepard intercepted Lawrence in the flat and took it 63 yards to the house,