Issue XXIII

ISSUE XXiIi

Contents.

lifestyle sending songs

gardening change

12

sunday scaries

14

double digit dread

fashion

13

own your style identity

20

the future of fashion doesn’t exist

28

skim milk

entertainment the main character complex tiktok killed the radio star what the heck is shoegaze?

arts

from steam to the big screen

muse’ings why we don’t tell lives on silent

backsliding

a love letter to sisters long gone

3

11

21

29

31 38

39

43 45

49

53 55

letter from the e d i t o r.

I remember chatting with a friend at the end of reflection in their work. To unlock new bounds May about the upcoming Pride month. As two of creativity and use their personal growth as a queer folks, we reflected on the history of Pride springboard for innovation. As you will see in the and our connection to the queer community. subsequent pages, our team has risen to the oc793éA=é;/<Gé=B63@AœéB63é>/ABéA7FB33<é;=<B6Ał 1/A7=<ł5@/>>:7<5éE7B6é167:26==2éB@/C;/Aœé A3 much of which were spent alone at home behind al violence, and developing ones personal style /é A1@33<ł>@=D7232é 7<1@3/A32é identity. Our team has given capacity for self-reflection. their all to this publication For me, this often meant and for that I am grateful. reflecting on my sexuality: What label do I subscribe to, Sometimes it is easy to feel if any? How do I perceive mya disconnect between what self, beyond the perception you feel and what you presof others? There is immense ent to the world. Whether privilege in being able to re7BAé 3FB3@</:é >@3AAC@3é 4@ flect honestly with oneself, to friends and family or interdevelop an unobscured unnalized prejudices, it is difderstanding of our thoughts, ficult to feel in complete feelings, desires. To view ouralignment. MUSE serves to selves through our own eyes bridge this disconnect. We rather than through another. offer a space where students are given the tools and capacity to feel, create, Issue XXIII has developed a similar theme of question, explore. My hope for you, the reader, self-awareness and consciousness. The following is that you too will use this issue to reconpages feature work grounded in authenticity, a nect with your most authentic self; To move :==9é7<A723é=C@é1@3/B7D3Aé;7<2Aé03G=<2é beyond B63éD37:é the perception of others, and work toof perception. This semester, I challenged my wards creating a life that is genuine to you. team to leverage these months of solitude and Yours Creatively,

Megan Fanjoy Editor-in-Chief MAY 2021 - DECEMBER 2021

4

paper

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CREATIVE DIRECTOR: MAYA GINZBURG CREATIVE ASSISTANT: CHANEL ROMEO PHOTOGRAPHY: CAT ROSE HAIR AND MAKEUP: CHELSEA ROBERTS MODELS: LIV WRIGHT AND RAV MALL

e.

By: B

steci

<éB63éE=@2Aé=4éB63é5@3/Bé3/B:3Aœéé/::éG=Cé<332é to discover it yourself, that makes me believe 7Aé :=D3é =D3é ;/93Aé B63é <713é 2/GAé sending songs is a love language. I brighter, the bad days better, and like to think of it as someone can put a smile on your face, giving you a thrifted shirt <=é;/BB3@é6=Eé:=<5éG=CD3é that they really like. Bebeen sitting in Stauffer. fore you even open It truly is all we need 7Bé G=CD3é /:@3/2Gé /<2é 7BAé A=;3B67<5é been given the we experience daigift of knowing ly through its evthat this person en Kere er-changing capacis thinking of ity. Whether it be you. Before you making a coffee even press play, for your housemate G=C@3é 7<D3AB32é before their 8:30, 7<é 7Bœé /<2é B63@3Aé writing letters to a <=é 2=C0Bé 7BAé /22 dear friend at another ed to your likes beschool, or your Mom let4=@3é G=CD3é 47<7A632é ting you transform her into v B63é A=<5é BAé 574BAé :793é O o these in which we are rethe second biggest Mac Miller u l r g fan of the household (true story), ne i n affirmed that people know us w w we see it in everything we do. better than we think. way of sho Showing love is versatile and can be done in an infinite number of ways. There are the five well-known love languages - quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts - however, I feel that none of these languages can fully capture the abstract beauty of expressing love through sharing music.

Personalized music has always been a way of expressing affection and has evolved over the years. From cassette mixtapes to burning CDs, to its current form of curated playlists, the concept of expressing love through sending songs is unique in the context of art.

The reason being it allows us to create connections between moments and people.

When you play a song that someone has sent you, you bring them with you throughout your day. This makes it feel like you have company on your daily adventure of life, just by being surrounded by the ;CA71é B63GD3é 57D3<é G=Cé é 1/<é >3@A=</::Gé /BB3ABé B B63é03ABéA=<5AéD3é3D3@é63/@2é/@3é=<3AéB6/Bé2é033< sent in the morning and played about a hundred times by dinner. The beauty about these micro gifts is that they connect different days and time through two and a half minutes.

There are songs that remind you of times in your life, but the real treasure is songs that remind you of the >3=>:3é7<éG=C@é:743é<éB=2/GAé/53œé7Bé1/<é433:é274471C to stay connected, but music gives us an opportunity to express the love that words cannot capture. Next Out of all the songs that exist in the vast ocean of time you hear that song that hits different, send it music, being able to associate a single tune with a per- B=é G=C@é A=;3=<3é /<2é :3Bé B63;é 9<=Eé G=C@3é B67<97< A=<é23;=<AB@/B3Aé/é233>3@é:3D3:é=4é7<B7;/1GéBAéB63é about them. feeling of being gifted new music, rather than having 11

GARDENING CHANGE

By: Sage Kraftchek

I have always found letting go to be an ob- I found comfort in controlling this, rather than stacle, so much so that it often stops me growing my skills and abilities each day. As 4@=;é 037<5é /0:3é B=é ;=D3é =<é /<2é /113>Bé :743AéI planted trees and reflected on my life, I uncontrollable elements. Throughout most of soon realized there was a strong correlation 2020 and 2021, with the onset of COVID-19, between my personal growth in day-to-day I found control an increasingly important part life and my experience while tree planting. of daily life. I found myself trying to manage every aspect of my life socially, mentally, /@23<7<5é ;Gé B@33Aé E/Aé </BC@/:é 4=@é ;3 as I was used to trying to control my dai>6GA71/::Gœé /<2é /1/23;71/::Gé BAé 3/AGé B=é 6=:2é onto aspects of life that no longer benefit us; ly routine and hoping that everything would it presents a sense of comfort, one which was go as planned. Nonetheless, as I discovered especially helpful for many in the last year. B6@=C56=CBé B63é >:/<B7<5é A3/A=<œé B67< always go your way and you must accept that #<4=@BC</B3:Gœé B67Aé 7A<Bé /:E/GAé /2D/<B/53=CA some things are out of your control. It was In the summer of 2021, I tree planted for difficult to come to terms with this, knowing the first time as my summer job. After over that many of the aspects of my life, work, a year of social interactions limited to a con- relationships, academics, were uncontrollable. tained bubble, I arrived at camp filled with neré 5/@23<7<5éB63éB@33Aé>:/<B32œ é vous energy. I had a strong desire to gain <13éAB=>>32é improved my numbers and started to reach my new experiences and independence, and I was Recognizing that no matter how much I 7<é /é 1=;>:3B3:Gé 27443@3<Bé A3BB7<5é B6/<é 2égoals.

3D3@é nurtured my relationships, outside factors are been before. I had no clue what to expect, and from any veteran tree planter I had talked to, still prevalent, and many of them are ungovernI was told to anticipate an extremely physical- able. As I recognized that I had to stop holding ly and mentally taxing job. They were right. onto things that I could not control, I began It was challenging at times, but I made sure feeling relieved. Accepting what cannot be conto focus on my goals and push myself. Plant- trolled allowed me to grow my confidence and ing is extremely fast paced; you get paid per cope with factors in my life such as friendships, tree and therefore, the more trees you plant, my physical and mental health, and academics. the more money you make. An issue I had An outlook on life where you can accept the while planting was making sure that each tree uncontrollable allows you to place this enerI planted was perfect so that I never had to gy into growing and focusing on the future. @3ß>:/<Bé =<3œé 9<=E<é /Aé 5/@23<7<5é /Bé ;Gé 8=0é 12

2

double digit dread

Why was blowing out the candles so terrifying this year?

D3é27A1=D3@32éB6/Bé53BB7<5é=:23@é7AéA1/@Gé031/CA3éB6 pressure to know things that I am usually the kind of person E6=é :793Aé 07@B62/GAé /G03é B6/Bé ;3/<Aé é :793é B63é /BB3<B7=<œé é 2=<Bé 9<=Eœé 0CBé 3/B7<5é 1/93œé 53BB7<5é > /<2é6/<57<5é=CBéE7B6é4@73<2AéB3<2AéB=é03é/é5==2éB7;3é"67AéG3/@œé/Aé0:3Eé é =CBéB63é57/<Bé1/<2:3Aé é =<é;Gé confetti cake, I became the kind of person who detests birthdays. I was lucky to have my housemates there, /<2éB63é1/93éE/Aé23:717=CAœé0CBéé1=C:2<Bé63:>é433:7<5é/<é=D3@E63:;7<5éA3<A3é=4é2@3/2éB6/Bé6/2é033<é0 in my chest in the weeks leading up to my twentieth birthday. Entering my twenties got me thinking; what am I doing right now, how did I get here, and how do I get OUT.

My housemates and I started talking about people we knew that were buying expensive wedding rings, having babies, and buying houses when they were in their twenties; they were only a few years older than us! I was 433:7<5é@CA632œé0CBé272<Bé é 9<=EéE6/BéE/Aé é AC>>=A32éB=é03é@CA67<5é7<B=é"63é=<:Gé>:/<Aé6/D3é é 3D3@é1 life, carefully constructed and executed, are now in effect. I worked hard in High School to get into university, <=Eéé/;éE=@97<5é6/@2é7<éC<7D3@A7BGéB=é2=<Bé9<=Eéé@3/1632éB63é3<2é=4éB63é>:/<</0:3é>=@B7=<é=4é;Gé: looked down, and saw an utterly terrifying chasm of uncertainty in front of me known as the future.

0

Turning 10 you enter double digits; 13 you become a teenager; 18 you become a legal adult and at 19 your parents might buy you a drink. You turn twenty and suddenly no one is pushing your bike anymore, and you have no idea which way to turn or how to slow down. My instinct, the same as when I was learning how to ride /é0793œéE/AéB=éA:/;é=<éB63é0@/93Aœé>32/:é0/19E/@2Aœé/<2é8C;>é=44é3<B7@3:GéD3é:3/@ that in both cases this is not the most comfortable or effective way to conquer your fears.

By: Isabella Crysler

13

3=>:3é933>é/A97<5é;3éE63@3éE/<Bé é B=éé3<2éC>E6/Bé é 17BGœé8=0œé=@é:743ABG:3é;é E=@97<5éB=E/@2Aéé6/D3éA=;3é723/Aœé0CBéé2=<BéE/<BéB=éé3<2éC>é/<GE63@3é yet. In order to get rid of double-digit dread, you have to embrace the fact that some periods in your life are best spent exploring the world in order to find yourself and what you truly want. How are you supposed to find the 4CBC@3éB6/Bé7Aé03ABéAC7B32é4=@éG=Cé74éG=Cé2=<BéA>3<2é/<GéB7;3éA33 the world has to offer? Stop feeling guilty or lazy when you take time to 6/D3é 4C<é /<2é @3:/Fé BAé =9/Gé B=é 4=1CAé =<é :7D7<5é 7<é B63é ;=;3<Bœé 3D3<é 74é G= 2=<Bé 6/D3é /é 1:C3é /0=CBé E6/Bé 1=;3Aé <3FBé !=;3B67<5Aœé ;/G03é 3D3<é ;=ABé B67<5AœéG=Cé1/<Bé>:/<é4=@œé/<2éB63@3é/@3é/éE6=:3é:=Bé=4é/2D3<BC@3AéB= Even in your twenties.

S U N DAY S A R E S C A RY, E V E N W H E N YO U A R E N ’ T H U N G OV E R By: Arden Goodfellow é =Eé C<7D3@A7BGé 2@7<97<5é 1C:BC@3é B==9é /<é 3<B7@3é 2/Gé =CBé =4é =C@é E339

Aé/BGé3@@Gé=<13éA/72œééB63@3Aé/é>=C<27<5é7<é;Gé63/2œéB63@3Aé/éAB@/<53@é7<é;Gé032 4/13é7BœéE3D3é/::é033<éB63@3é71BC@3éB67Aœé7BAé!C<2/Gé/@=C<2é/;œé é G=CéE/93éC>é</CA3 and the room is spinning. You reluctantly roll out of bed only to run straight to the bathroom while clenching your stomach. This is when the hang-xiety sets in. The rest of your day goes as follows: desperately piece together events of the previous night until 12pm; try to stomach A=;3é 1/@0Aé /<2é E/B3@é /@=C<2é >;é ;=>3é /@=C<2é B63é 6=CA3é /7;:3AA:Gé C<B7:é >;é @3/:7H3 5pm on a Sunday and that you have no idea what assignments, tests, or projects you have going on this week; frantically tear up your house until 9pm and finally, cry until bedtime.

Everyone needs Sunday to reset and get ready for a new week of school and work, but this proves a formidable task when you are bed-ridden hungover. Drinking culture in university encourages students to go out and get drunk all weekend long, leaving them exhausted and drained when the weekend rolls to a close. It becomes a never-ending cycle of playing catchup /<2é E=<23@7<5é E6Gé B63@3Aé <=Bé 3<=C56é B7;3é B=é 2=é 7Bé /::é @3>/@7<5é 4=@é B63é C>1=; becomes a dreadful chore. The weekdays are already exhausting as a university student, but I find myself even more run down come the end of the weekend, a time I could have spent relaxing and recharging my battery. Instead, I choose to spend this time drinking vodka sodas /<2é ABC447<5é ;Gé 4/13é E7B6é 1=</:2Aé B63é 4=::=E7<5é ;=@<7<5é <2é 63Gœé ::é 03é 6=<3ABœé é := forward to Friday night all week long. Nothing makes me more excited than the prospect of putting on a cute outfit, doing my makeup, and singing 2010 hits with my housemates! So why is it that when Sunday rolls around I find myself regretting the past 48 hours; 48 hours I spent five whole days anticipating?

=ABéC<7D3@A7BGéABC23<BAé6/D3é6/2é/é47@ABß6/<2é3F>3@73<13éE7B6éé6/<5ßF73BGB é and inescapable feelings of guilt, stress, and worry you experience the day after a night out.

BAé B3@@70:3é 6GA71/:é 34431BAé ;/Gé 7<1:C23œé 0CBé /@3é <=Bé :7;7B32é B=œé 63/@Bé >/:>7 hot flashes, stomach pain, headaches and crying. To make matters worse, not only are you physically ill, but you also must grapple with the extreme anxiety caused by your own erratic behavior and possible memory lapses during the previous night. Although the experience of hang-xiety is quite debilitating, many of us still find ourselves drinking two to three times a E339é "63é 0@756Bé A723é 7Aé G=C@3é 2347<7B3:Gé <=Bé /:=<3é 7<é B67Aé 3F>3@73<13é E3é /::é A Sundays together. So next time you see the 100-person long line up at Trinity, just remember B6/Bé3D3@G=<3Aé!C<2/Gé7Aé5=7<5éB=é03é/é:7BB:3éA1/@GéB= 14

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: MICHELLE BLAHO-MELO CREATIVE ASSISTANT: CHANEL ROMEO PHOTOGRAPHY: ASHLEY COWIE HAIR AND MAKEUP: MARIANGELA CASARELLA MODEL: LINDA XUE

OWn R O

Id

By : M ar go t D en t

i

n R

I have a confession to make. I have, on timeless elegance, and as I pieced tomore than one occasion, found myself gether my personal style, this image was on the floor of my bedroom in tears over the look I was going for. I would kidnap B63éE/GéB6/Bé2@3AAé é 9<=Eé é 7Bé é A=C<2Aé ;Gé ;=;Aé 97BB3<é 633:Aé /<2é 0=@@=Eé ;Gé like a hell of a nice problem to have. 5@/<2;=B63@Aé >3/@:Aé é E/<B32é B=é - 3; While personal style is far from the most ulate Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, and important thing in the world, the cloth- Jackie O; I wanted to feel mature, graceing, accessories, makeup, or lack thereof ful, and confident. In reality, I looked utthat we choose to put on our bodies terly comical amongst my legging and each day play a critical role in expressing Ugg-clad friends. My style choices were who we are. It is a brave, vulnerable, and neither trendy nor cool, but they made unfortunately, often risky move to wear me feel exactly as I had pictured they our heart on our sleeve. would: mature, graceful, and fiercely confident.

This pressure is what has landed me on the bedroom floor so many times feeling From the feedback I have received over crushed and defeated. If I dress how I the years, I tend to dress too formal, to want to, in the way that is truest to imposing, and a little too much like somemyself, I am opening myself up to crit- 0=2GAé 5@/<2;=B63@/<2é ;é =9é E7B6é icism and judgement on both my style that. As I leaned into my personal style, /<2é 1=@3é 723<B7BGé é 1/<Bé B3::é G=Cé 6=Eé I found that the comments that used to ;/<GéB7;3AéD3é63/@2éB63éE=@2Aœéé%6/Bé B3/@é ;3é 2=E<é 1=C:2<Bé 53Bé B=é ;3é /<G exactly are you trying to do by wear- more. Looking back, I am so proud of 7<5é B6/Bé =@é é%6=é /@3é G=Cé B@G7<5éall B=éthe times I dressed how I wanted to, 7;>@3AAé "63A3é 1=;;3<BAé ;/23é ;3é even if I stuck out like a sore thumb or doubt myself, lose confidence, and try completely missed the dress code. to smother an important part of who I am, and I know I am not alone in this It is tempting to give into what the fashexperience. ion magazine is telling us to wear or the opinions of others; life would be so much Growing up, my family would attend a easier if we could just blend in and shut church service a couple of times a year. up. While the emphasis is so often put For as long as I can remember, I would on finding our style identity, I want to wake up Sunday morning, wolf down my stress how equally important it is to hold 2/2Aé4/;=CAé>/<1/93Aœé/<2é>CBéB=53B6 - onto it. My message here is a simple er the vision I had been dreaming up all one; stick to your guns, tune out the week. I have always been in love with white noise, and own your shit.

20

SKIM MILK

Eighth grade was frustrating. I was restless, just scraping the introduction of puberty while all of my friends were celebrating theirwas newly acquired figures.

It was Eighth grade frustrating.

I was restless, My friends eyed us from afar, close enough for like ajust scraping1C:Bé B6/Bé 272<Bé E/<Bé B=é @31@C7Bé the introduction of puberty while this;3œé conversation to bruise their egos. Maybe or all o f a party invited to.their I B67Aé0:=<23é:/2Gé6/2<BéA33<é;Gé4@73<2AéG3Bé my friendsI never were got celebrating managed to scratch newly acquired figures.atItsome was like <=Eé é B63GéE3@3é>@3BBGéE7B6éB637@éE=;/<:Gé hormone-induced tokens; howev/é 1C:Bé B6/Bé 272<Bé E/<Bé B=é @31@C7Bé shapes and thick blonde hair decorated with er, none the good ones me, or a ofparty I never gotthat invit- even blonder highlights. They were pretty, 2é6=>3é =CBé=4é ed to.4=@éI 7:éE3::32é4@=;é managed to <=Bé :793é ;3é é E/Aé 1CB3œé /Bé 03ABé G3Bœé <=Bé my angryhor- to the modelling world. To s c rpores a t c h and devised at some them, I red raises on my forehead. mone-induced was the perfect victim.

My gangly legs tokens; drew howeva straight er, nonelineofup the to my é67>Aé /<2é2é6=>3é 5==2é=<3Aé B6/Bé for. Oilcontinued welled perpenfrom out dicular to the floor of my pores and devisedupanI was a My gry red past raisesmyonwaist. my forehead. square two chopsticks gangly legs drewwith a straight line up to for legs, gawkily maneuvering ;Géé67>Aé/<2é1=<B7<C32é>3@>3<271C:/@éB=é partI was of High the floorthrough up pastthemyworst waist. a square School. with two chopsticks for legs, gawkily maneu-My fingers shuffled through hangvering through the worst part of High School.ers on clothing racks of a discount AB=@3éE63<éé43:BéB67AéE=;/<Aé My fingers shuffled through hangers on clothing rackseyes latch onto me. It was a different kind of stare, not like the =4é /é 27A1=C<Bé AB=@3é E63<é é 43:Bé B67Aé E=;/<Aé 3G3Aé cold gazes I felt walking through latch onto me. It was a different kind of stare, not like the cold gazes I felt hallways at school. This look was walking through hallways at 27443@3<Béé7œé6/D3éG=Cé3D3@é school. This look was dif- B6=C56Bé=4é;=23::7<5é"63éE=;/<é?C7HH32é;3éé#6œé<=œé<3D3@œé 43@3<Bé é7œé 6/D3é G=Cé 3D3@é B6=C56Bé=4é;=23::7<5"63é é E=;/<é?C7HH32é;3éé#6œé<=œé<3D3@œ5755:32é é back as if it was some sort of trick question.

21

;é <=Bé @3:757=CAœé 0CBé B63é 1:=A3ABé D3é 5=BB3<é I was the B=é type of girl to dread changing for gym calling on a higher power was when it came to 1:/AAé Bé E/A<Bé 031/CA3é =4é B63é C5:Gé G3::=Eé 5G;é the shoes we had to wear for runway shows. The uniform, but because it was scary to be vulnerable most terrifying footwear I experienced were two in a room with strangers. I promptly got over this rectangle blocks of wood adhered to my sole fear by changing outfits in under 30 seconds. I E7B6é 4:=AAé ;é C<AC@3é 6=Eé B63A3é ß7<16é 0@719Aé began to worry less about people seeing my nip1:/AA74Gé é A=;3E63@3é 7<é 03BE33<é /é >C;>é ples, =@é and more about my heel strap being tightly sandal, and fatality. Inevitably, these shoes secured. Although I became accustomed to standbucked me off the runway. I was beyond 7<5é /@=C<2é 7<é ;Gé C<23@E3/@œé B63@3Aé /é :7<53@ embarrassed but thank God that it was fear that would return if provoked. Clothes were just the rehearsal. To add to this ex- tossed between me and other girls being fitted for perience, my outfit consisted of a stiff /é@C<E/GéA6=Eéé6/2<Bé<=B7132éC<B7:é/<é=CB@/532 neck collar and an absence of pants. This model began yelling at a man behind a camera unique ensemble was my first show to appear wandering around the room, that we were so very 7<é =<:7<3é $=5C3é D3é /:E/GAé E=<23@32é 6=Eé</932é /é %3D3é/:E/GAé033<é3F>=A32œé0CBé<=Bé7<éB6/Bé girl who had hardly cracked the surface of pu- way. It unlocked a new level of degradation that I berty could be sold as a standard template for had never felt. I had surpassed irritation and just E=;3<é é 2=<Bé 3D3<é ;33Bé B67Aé AB/<2/@2é =<:Gé felt like running home for a good cry in my duvet.

4=C@é G3/@Aé :/B3@œé /<2é 7BAé ;3é 7<é B6/Bé ;/5/H7<3é

During one lunch break, I pulled out é E/Aé /E/@232é /é é;=23:é /AA=17/B7=<é E63<é é ;3Bé a sandwich my mom had packed for <3Eé>3=>:3éé’=Cé;=23:œé@756B6/B32é é B67Aé?C3A ;3œé /<2é 7Bé @/7A32é 3D3@Gé ;=23:Aé - 3G3 B7=<éé6œéG3/œé97<2/é é 2=œé<=Bé@3/::GéB6=C56"6/Bé é brow an inch and a half. They were was a lie. I skipped school weekly for photoshoots stunned. Maybe it was because carbs and castings but when people asked that question, are supposed to be our worst enemy, or E/<B32é é B=é3F>:/7<éB=éB63;éB6/BéE/A<Bé é A3:4ß13< 031/CA3éE/A<Bé é 3/B7<5é/é:/@53é0:/19é1=4 - tered or numb in the brain. I was scared to attach fee. Whatever it was, I was 14 and it was this title to my identity as if it would drag me down :C<16éé%=C:2éG=Cé:793éA=;3>@=>=A32é é 7<B=é/éAB3@3=BG>3œéA=é272<Bé é 27A1CAAéB63é23B to the yearning faces sitting beside me. my job with my friends. It felt as if I was living a After a couple of models tested the wa- 2=C0:3é:743œéB6=C56é;é5@/B34C:éB6/Bé<3D3@é é 0@/72 ters with my granola bars, I was swarmed this title into my identity. If I had, it would have felt like how seagulls swarm people with like I tore a leg off when I broke up with the industry. french fries. Throughout the day, I would return to my chair and find a stranger munching on some animal crackers that she had helped herself to.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ASHLEY COWIE CREATIVE: RIDA CHAUDHRY AND CHANEL ROMEO

22

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: MARTHA HILLEN PHOTOGRAPHY: VICKY ZHANG AND ASHLEY COWIE HAIR: LALIQUE ALLAN MAKEUP: SOPHIA YOUSSIF MODELS: FATOU TOUNKARA, SHEETAL GOYAL, AND ERIN BROPHY

SI

REN

From fast fashion to sustainability, capsule are now seeing creatives thoughtfully consider wardrobes to virtual runways, the fashion in- whether the digitization of the industry can fill dustry is constantly evolving to adopt more 5/>AéB6/Bé3F7ABé03G=<2éB63é>/<23;71éB/97<5é é sustainable practices and emerge into a new fashion digital from end-to-end. era that embraces digital tools to reduce waste. Catapulted by the pandemic, fashion In November 2018, the Scandinavian multihouses and retailers were forced to reinvent brand retailer Carlings sold out of their first and reimagine how to leverage virtual spaces. digital-only 19 piece genderless, sizeless limViewing the current global climate in conjunc- 7B32é327B7=<é1=::31B7=<œéé3=ßFé/B3@é-7<é= tion with emerging consumer desires for imme- vember 2019, the Dutch digital-fashion house diate content creation, industry visionaries are The Fabricant sold the first ever digital cou23A75<7<5é1=::31B7=<AéB6/Bé2=<Bé3F7ABœé BC@3é /Bé:3/ABœé 2@3AAéé@723A13<134=@é é œ=<é é 0:=19 not physically. Instead, creatives are designing, chain. Since then, numerous digital fashion reproducing, commodifytailers such as Dress-X, ing, and selling entirely XR Couture, The Dedigital looks for conmaterialised and Replisumer consumption; cant have emerged as a new age of digital leading the digitization fashion. transformation of the industry. Major luxury Digital fashion refers fashion houses includto exactly what you ing Gucci, Burberry and would think: visual Louis Vuitton also rerepresentation of garcently launched digital ments built using comfashion garments for puter technologies. consumer purchase.

Rather than physically By: Clearly the demand for manufacturing each digital fashion exists Megan piece, the looks soleand will only continue Fanjoy ly exist in virtual spaces. to grow as digital deDigital tailors manually mold sign tools are refined the piece onto an image of and digital design edua person, leaving a photorealiscation is disseminated. tic appearance. Think Cher in Clueless sifting through a digital catalogue of her wardrobe Digital fashion serves as a tool to bridge the before landing on the iconic plaid yellow en- gap between luxury fashion, creativity, and acsemble, with the exception of the look solely cessibility. Beyond its sustainability value, digexisting in a metaverse. ital fashion offers opportunities for improved financial accessibility, as many garments are Digital tools are no stranger to the fashion sold at a much less expensive price compared industry. For decades, fashion houses have ad- to the physical creations. Accessibility is also opted 2D- and 3D-modelling and augmented improved as digital fashion offers sizing for reality tools to eliminate unnecessary waste people of all genders and abilities compared to in the prototype phase generated by pat- inherently inequitable IRL fashion that generaltern cuttings or fittings. Throughout the past ly caters to cisgender, able-bodied consumers.

3756B33<é;=<B6AœéE3D3éA33<é0@/<2Aé3;0@/13é fully digital fashion shows including Moschino, For all we know, your next look might not even Balenciaga, and Prada SS21 Collections. We (physically) exist.

the future of fashion doesn’t exist.

28

THE MAIN CHARACTER COMPLEX By: Victoria Chung

’=Cé BC19é G=C@é #55Aé C<23@é G=C@é :35Aé /<2é butE@/>é these ideas that perpetuate subtle misogyny your chunky cardigan around yourself, picking gave us another idea of who the main character apart pieces of your messy bun. You turn another is; a quiet, bookish girl who wears cardigans and >/53é7<éG=C@é0==9œéé:=<5é4=@éB63é 7230Gé é !/@/6é E6=é B63é 0/2é 0=Gé 4/::Aé 4=@é %67:3é B63@3Aé <=B67<5 Dessen. Life is good. wrong with having any of those attributes, this trope as a whole is dehumanizing and many of us If you remember this world, you likely remember have internalized it. putting yourselves in the shoes of this girl, the =<3é E6=é E/AééC<1=<D3<B7=</::Gé >@3BBG- œé /<é The =CB lasting effects of the Y/A novels from our cast in some way, and drawn to the misunder- impressionable years gave rise to a certain indistood bad boy who sees her differently. viduality complex. The protagonist that we read and identified with was almost always guilty of "63éB@3<2éé;/7<é16/@/1B3@é7Aé1C@@3<B:Gé>=>C:/@œé B63é é?C7@9Gé 57@:é 1=;>:3Fé A63é E/Aé 27443@3<Bé 7< 29

We were encouraged to be the girl who was not identities, being the main character risks the line like other girls, picked because she was an indi- of becoming selfish and narcissistic.

D72C/:é!63é:3/2AéCAéB=éB67<9éB6=C56BAé:793éé;éA=é 7<B3@3AB7<5é %6Gé 7A<Bé /<G=<3é <=B717<5 #:B7;/B3:Gœé é ’=C@3é B63é’é</@@/B7D3é/<2é/7<é6/@/1B3@é passive and unassumingly quirky, not trying too energy are the same: Take control of your life; hard and definitely not trying harder than the 47<2é G=C@A3:4é :7D3é 7<é B63é ;=;3<Bé 03é B63é 1:716éé other girl; everything works out for you in the get together with the guy. We should take con3<2é /<2é B6/BAé E6/Bé 037<5é B63é ;/7<é 16/@/1B3@étrol 7Aéof our lives, just not at the expense of living about. out a trope that has been ingrained in us by the media. My own idea of that quirky, fly-on-theWhile assuming the role of the main character is wall 2014 main character still subtly pervades my perfectly fine, as we are all individuals who have mentality today. The next time you see a TikTok agency and should prioritize ourselves, the belief telling you to be the main character, question that the world revolves around you assumes that E63B63@é G=C@3é 03:73D7<5é /é ;327/é >3@>3BC/B G=Cé /@3é /<é é=B63@32é 57@:é "/93é "/G:=@é !E74BAé trope and subconsciously taking on an idealized é’=Cé 3:=<5é %7B6é 3é 4=@é 3F/;>:3é /é 03:=D32é </@@/B7D3é%3é2=<Bé6/D3éB=é03é/é;/7<é16/@/1B3@œ cult classic that we have blasted with the win- side character or even a supporting role; we live dows down since middle school. When you take as ourselves. Embrace it. /é 1:=A3@é :==9œé 6=:3Aé AB/@Bé B=é />>3/@é ’=C@3é AC> posed to identify with the main character, the 57@:éE6=é2=3A<Bé53BéB63é5CGé/<2é6/B3é=<éB63é57@:é E6=AéE7B6é67;é’=Cé1/::é63@éé/é57@:é:793éB6/Bœé/é girl who wear short skirts and high heels, believing G=C@3é03BB3@é031/CA3éG=C@3éB63é;/7<é16/@/1B3@é When you really boil it down, this all sounds ex/1B:Gé:793éG=C@3éA/G7<5œéé;é<=Bé:793é=B63@é57@:Aœé ;éB63é;/7<é16/@/1B3@é /<Gé =4é B63é </@@/B7D3Aé B6/Bé E3D3é 033<é B/C56Bé to believe make us the main character are not realistic of the ones that we actually live. If we all perceive ourselves as the main character, it might be at the expense of others, discounting them as side characters who are less than us.

We are made up of so much more than our individual selves; our families, classmates, coworkers and friends. When we center ourselves around =C@é =E<é $Aœé E3é 2=<Bé B/93é 7<é AB@723é B63é E/Gé that other people impact our lives and vice versa. When we truly believe in these romanticized 30

KILLED THE RADIO STAR

31

Overnight fame is no longer /<é /<=;/:Gé 7<é B=2/GAé 3<tertainment industry, but we have come a long way from the YouTube and Vine eras By: Alisa Bressler that brought us Justin Bieber and Shawn Mendes. We now On Tik Tok, however, anyhave numerous creators on one with the means to film a the uber-popular platform Tik- 60-second video has a shot Tok, sharing an array of tal- at skyrocketing to fame and ents and relatable stories, who influence, granted that the al- When radio was the driving face the potential of gaining gorithm finds them lucky. The force of the music industry, billions of views. The rise of videos that gain millions of record labels could essentially TikTok has transformed en- views are essentially random; manufacture success. If a latertainment consumption and there is no clear-cut formula bel promoted a track with the creation: billions of individuals for a viral TikTok so we can- right funds and connections are viewing close-up content not predict who will be the to stations, they could force from the lives of creators who <3FBé6/@:73é;3:7=é=@éE6/Bé listeners to pay attention to certain artists. The world of 53BéAE3>BéC>é7<é"79"=9AéE67@: - E7::é 03é B63é <3FBé 03@@73Aé é /<2é pool of virality. On platforms 1@3/;é %7B6é ;CA71é /Bé B63é TikTok strips label executives such as Instagram, there is a heart of the platform, the mu- of such power; no longer can low chance that an average sic industry cannot help but they manufacture and build person will become the next feel perplexed with this new /é AB/@é 031/CA3é B=2/GAé-/D3 Kylie Jenner or Selena Gomez. norm of widespread creation nues for fame largely exist on achieving unprecedented viral- the stage of TikTok. Neverity. In these conditions, can theless, labels must attempt record labels even begin to to understand this superpowmirror the TikTok environment er and get their foot in the and continue to steer the suc- door somehow. Lil Nas X rose cess of the music industry? B=é 4/;3é 7<é B63é />>Aé 3/@:Gé 2/GAœé E7B6é :2é é "=E<é =/2é quickly hitting the charts.

Shortly after, Billy Rae Cyrus was thrown on the track to 1@3/B3é B63é :2é é "=E<é =/2é When a song takes off on 3;7Fé 72é B67Aé C<7?C3é A=<5œé TikTok, artists can use that being an intersection of counfame as a bargaining tool to try and hip-hop, need a releverage better deals, making mix? Perhaps not, but industhe presence of a record label try professionals did need a way to make sense of Lil Although labels cannot pre- less of a necessity. It appears that if creators regularly serve /Aé &Aé AC223<é AC113AAé-3 271BéB=2/GAéB@3<2AœéB63Gé ;CABé 5/<é "633é !B/::7=<Aé !/D/53 é é continue to carefully watch their fans on TikTok, they will flooded our screens and was the TikTok scene and shift stay relevant without the inthe soundtrack for numerous away from what was once terference of a record label. dance trends during the on- successful. We must remem- This truly demonstrates artset of quarantine. Months lat- ber that these are aged pro- ists reclaiming power in the er, the Beyonce remix came fessionals trying to infiltrate music industry. Certainly, not out because perhaps putting a young world of TikTok us- every aspiring song writer will Queen Bee on the track made ers and creators. Historically, gain astounding TikTok fame it more marketable for radio. popular music has depended /<2é03éB63é13<B3@é=4é/é:/03:Aé These are amongst many ex- on the approval of adoles- curiosity. However, TikTok is amples of industry profession- cents, but TikTok makes this molding an industry that is als using their resources to approval even more of a ne- more focused on artistic aunot only accelerate the suc- cessity to climb the Billboard thority than ever before. Optimistically, our new music cess of a TikTok track, but =Bé é ’3Bé "79"=9Aé 34431Bé also reap the benefits.TikTok on popular music goes beyond industry may value creativity is vastly more volatile than ra- shifting the power from label over revenue, and our stars dio, so the tactics that once professionals to young con- will not be fabricated by labels, manufactured success cannot sumers: it is creating an in- but will be more reflective of have the same impacts today. dustry where artists may have general society. In our TikTok world, creative expression is unprecedented authority. It is a few clicks and a 3-second no longer artists desperately timer away, and if that can searching to be signed to a generate fame, we can only label to kickstart their career; hope that the music industry rather, it is labels desperate- continues to empower artists. ly searching for paths into the success of the artist to regain control in the industry.

32

SmokeIN he r

eyes

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: CHANEL ROMEO PHOTOGRAPHY: LIV WRIGHT HAIR AND MAKEUP: MARIANGELA CASARELLA MODEL: AVERY SIMARD

W H AT THE HECK IS SHOEGA Z E ?

Roaring guitar riffs, quiet dreamy vocals, otherworldly synths, and a whirling kaleidoscope of sound. All these textures of noises and sounds instantly captured my ears as my friend intro2C132é;3éB=éé=D3:3AAœé/<é/:0C;é0GéGé:==2Gé $/:3<B7<3é Bé /::é A=C<232é A=é /:73<é B=é ;3é é%6/Bé B63é 6319é 7Aé B67Aé /A932œé A:756B:Gé C<<3@D32é 3é A;7:32é/Bé;3é/<2éA/72œééBAé1/::32éA6=35/H3é2C23œé 7BAé >@3BBGé 4@3/97<5é 1@/HGœé 36é !B7::é 1=<4CA32œé I had no idea what in the world he was talking about. As I dived deeper into this unknown world, I felt myself becoming more and more infatuated with what I was hearing.

Shoegaze is an alternative form of rock music that emerged from the punk and goth subcultures of the 1980s. Shoegaze artists preferred a more psychedelic and ethereal approach to rock music in contrast to the hyper aggressive acts that came before them, while still maintaining that rebellious DIY ethos of punk music. Their music was By: Ethan Nguyen characterized by its lush blend of reverb, noisy feedback, and obscured vocals that were mixed particularly low. popular with a generation of kids who suffer from self-esteem and body image issues as a result of Growing up as a basic angsty teen in a small a society that prioritizes appearance. The outsuburban town, bands like My Bloody Valentine, sider appeal that these artists portrayed in their Cocteau Twins, Slowdive and Jesus, and the Mary music speaks to our need to stand out amongst Chain quickly became part of the soundtrack to others. Shoegaze music also emphasized more my own little A24 film. Something about the textural and ambient sounds, rather than music 53<@3Aé AC@@3/:é /<2é 2@3/;Gé /3AB63B71é 1=;07<32é that demands the listeners full attention. It makes with its outsider attitude spoke to me emotion- sense that shoegaze music would be popular for ally. In fact, the act of obscuring that shoegaze a generation known for attention spans shorter artists pioneered ended up becoming one of the than two digits. The blend of chaotic noise and key aspects of an entire Gen Z aesthetic. On Tik- dreamy atmosphere speaks to the unique comTok, the hashtag #shoegaze has over 60 million ing-of-age experience that we as a generation views. Across the Internet, there are a plethora of have had to face with the pandemic and every A:=E32é øé @3D3@0é 327BAé =4é >=>C:/@é A=<5Aéother /Aé E3::é disheartening thing that has been going on as the lofi aesthetic selfies that we, as a genera- in our world. The unique appeal of shoegaze and tion, always seem to gravitate towards on social its ability to culturally connect generations shows media. The strange appeal of shoegaze aesthetics how music is not only an auditory experience but to Gen Z kids today can be puzzling to some a communal one; it is how cultural experiences people. What is with this infatuation with a genre from the past can aesthetically influence kids in that died almost 30 years ago? The concept of the present. obscuring oneself with fuzzy colours and filters is

38

FROM STEAM TO Are video games the new principal known for creating single-playstorytelling medium? Recent ad- er story-driven games. Naughty aptation announcements revealing =5Aé @3:3/A3é =4é "63é /ABé =4é #Aé new film and television projects in 2013 won several Game of the being adapted from video games Year Awards and became one of may be able to change the ways their most successful releases to in which video games are per- date. The Last of Us tells the stoceived as an artistic medium and ry of a world two decades deep a source of compelling storytelling. into the post-apocalypse where In the year 2020 the video game ;=ABé=4éB63éE=@:2Aé>=>C:/B7=<é6/Aé industry saw a significant rise in been wiped out by a cordyceps revenue, bringing in an estimated fungal infection. While the story é 07::7=<é /11=@27<5é B=é /@ - is set in an apocalyptic universe ketwatch.com. This exceeded the where the player navigates their film industry, even before the surroundings while being attacked >/<23;71œé B6/Bé 0@=C56Bé 7<é é by those infected, these zombillion in 2019. This rise in reve- bie-like creatures are not the main nue signals the video game indus- focus of the story. The Last of Us B@GAé 3;3@53<13é /Aé /é ;/7<é >:/G - tells a heartfelt tale of two survier in the entertainment industry. vors traveling across a deterioratThese adaptations focused on nar- ed United States in search of the rative-driven games could lead to Fireflies, a militia group seeking to more successful adaptations than end the worldwide pandemic and E3D3é3D3@éA33<ébring a sense of normalcy back to humanity. The story follows these One of the most anticipated ad- two characters, Joel a hardened aptations is The Last of Us which survivor, and Ellie, a strong-willed will be coming to HBO in 2022. teenage girl, learning to trust and The video game series that in- rely upon one another in a world spired this adaptation was creat- where there is little humanity left ed by Naughty Dog, a developer to be found.

39

THE BIG SCREEN

The HBO series is set to star Pedro Pascal, known er (2001) also earned little critical success, only for The Mandalorian as Joel and Bella Ramsey receiving a 20% on Rotten Tomatoes. from Game of Thrones as Ellie. Neil Druckmann, the original creator, will be returning as a writer Despite the critical failure of past adaptations, the alongside Craig Mazin. The Last of Us is currently new announcements of story-driven games being filming in Calgary, Alberta, and is set to be re- adapted shows how far the video game industry leased sometime next year. Another anticipated has come by creating meaningful, narrative-driven project is the film adaptation of Uncharted, anoth- entertainment. Due to the interactive features of er award-winning video video games, this medigame series developed um has arguably been New adaptions

by Naughty Dog, starable to surpass books, a n n o u n c e d a s ring Tom Holland as the movies, and television charismatic adventurer in creating immersive video games are Nathan Drake and Mark stories where the playbecoming more Wahlberg as the treaer is actively engaged recognized as an sure hunter and busiin the story world. nessman Sully. The film Some video games take artistic medium is set to be released on this a step further by of captivating February 11th, 2022. having the player make s t o r y t e l l i n g There have been severchoices that will alal other announcements ter the story and the of video games being characters depending adapted onto the big on what they choose. screen including Ghost Examples of games inof Tsushima, Sonic the clude Until Dawn, The Hedgehog 2, Mario, and Walking Dead, Life is Borderlands.

Strange, and Detroit: Become Human. These By: The late 1990s to early games engage the 2000s saw its fair share player by having their Katrina of video game-to-movie actions result in signifM c M i l l a n adaptations yet few are icant consequences on remembered for being the story. Further, the critical successes. Many of them were criticized players engage in a morally ambiguous task to for poor acting and storytelling. The Resident Evil makes the player question the decisions made by film, which was released in 2002 and was followed the character they are playing. Although considby multiple sequels, was met with mostly nega- 3@32é /é ;3@3é 167:2@3<Aé B=Gé >:/B4=@;é 7<é B63é >/A tive critical reviews. The same is true for Mortal video games have been able to break through and Kombat (1995) which received a 44% on Rotten @35/7<éB63é>C0:71Aé/BB3<B7=<é/Aé037<5é/0:3éB=é57 Tomatoes. The release of Lara Croft: Tomb Raid- the player a unique experience of rich storytelling.

40

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: AVERY SIMARD CREATIVE ASSISTANT: CHANEL ROMEO PHOTOGRAPHY: CAT ROSE MAKEUP: MADDY SMITH MODEL: KORI ALTENPOHL

kori

By: Eirinn Chisholm

Trigger Warning: This article deals with topics of sexual violence, and how often the consequences of speaking up

can be too great to bear.

According to Statistics Canada, one in ten It only occurred to me, through discussions post-secondary age women will experience with my therapist, that I had experienced some form of sexual violence while attending sexual violence in university. There have university. Let that sink in for a moment. been multiple instances where I have walked While sitting in a lecture hall, or walking away from a sexual encounter with a weird down the busy streets of campus, you could 719Gé 433:7<5é 7<é ;Gé AB=;/16œé 0CBé é <3D3@é encounter more than one person who has C<23@AB==2éE6GéA/72é é G3Aœé272<BéE3<Bé é 3F>3@73<132éA3FC/:éD7=:3<13éE67:3é/BéC33<Aé over to their house with the idea of hooking 43

up, so I guess I must do this right? Those Then may follow the shame and embarrasslast few drinks made things difficult to re- ment, even when you should not be the one ;3;03@œé 0CBé é >@=0/0:Gé 1=<A3<B32é 272<Bé who is ashamed in this situation. We look to I? I tried so hard to reconcile and come the media to find examples of women who C>é E7B6é 3F1CA3Aé 4=@é E6Gé A3Fé 43:Bé E@=<5œé have spoken up about sexual violence and sometimes. There were also instances that gotten justice yet are faced with news headI knew outright were wrong. Rumors swirled lines of Christine Blasey Ford being called a one year of a video being passed around liar in the Supreme Court; of Brock Turner without my consent or knowledge of it being 037<5é1/::32é/éé>@=;7A7<5éG=C<5é;/<é/4B3@é taken. Encounters on the edge of blackout sexually assaulting Chanel Miller. drunk, that should have never occurred. %3é 2=<Bé B3::é 031/CA3é B==é =4B3<é E3é 433:é Yet, I told no one. I stayed silent, even when /Aé B6=C56é <=é =<3é E7::é 03:73D3é CAé %3é 2=<Bé I knew that I had been taken advantage of. I tell because too often our truths fade into said nothing of those questionable moments oblivion, and we know justice may never be and grappled with them by myself for years. served. Yet all we want is to be able to Why? Because I was scared, outright terrified speak out, for someone to listen, and to at even, of the consequences that I could face :/ABé63/@œééE3é03:73D3éG=C for what had been done to me. The irony is not lost upon me that the victim must face consequences for what has been done to them. Yet, situations like this are all too 4/;7:7/@é %6Gé 2=<Bé E3é B3::é %6Gé 2=<Bé E3é speak up about sexual violence when it is not our fault?

Re s o u r ce s

There are many reasons, and the weight of these compounded can be too much to carry. First may come the backlash. Constant 03@/B7<5é4@=;éB6=A3éE6=éB67<9é63Aé/éé5==2é 5CGœé 3<AC@7<5é B6/Bé G=Cé 9<=Eé B67Aé 1=C:2é é@C7<é 67Aé :743é 4=@3D3@é "63<é ;/Gé 1=;3é B63é :/03:Aé %=@2Aé :793é éA:CBé =@é éE6=@3é -167> ping away at your credibility, convincing peo>:3é B6/Bé G=C@3é :G7<5é 031/CA3é 74é G=Cé éA:33>é /@=C<2œé B63<é E6Gé E=C:2<Bé G=Cé E/<Bé 7Bé

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence, please find the on-campus and off campus resources below Student Wellness Services: (613) 533-2506 Sexual Assault Centre Kingston é@7A7Aé/<2é!C>>=@Bé (613) 544-6424 44

Lives on Silent

Tiana Lam

LIVES ON SILENT

Every morning my dad would drop me =44é /Bé A16==:œé 2é >C<16é 7<é B63é 4=C@ß275 ß line betw n education it code at the dor, walk in the back ? and humanity dor, and just fel weird; like ther was a sicknes that was growing inside of me. By: Tiana Lam Where doInwe draw my al l-girls private Catholithe c High Schol, line "=é B67Aé 2/Gœé é AB7::é 2=<Bé 9<=Eé E6/Bé B6/Bé I a w s a t t h g u a h t t r u o a l b k c i t s t h g d l u o h s between education and humanity? feling was. Seeking help at the counsel ß be up to our knes, our slev should :=@Aé=44713éE/Aé3FB@3;3:Gé<3@D3ßE@/1 In my all-girls private =44é/BéA16==:œé2é>C<16é7<éB63é4=C@ß275 not be roled, our skirts Catholic are no longer thaHigh n School, I was 2@=>é;3é é 272<Bé B67<9é /0=CBé 5=7<5é 4=@é 63:>é C<B7 taught that our two black tights should be up to it code at the door, walk in the back door, inches above the knes, and sweat - my senior yea;r I thoug doing so was our knees, our sleeves should not be rolled, our and just feel weird; like there was a sickness ers are always on. We wer taught that a sign of weaknes. I told my counsel ß skirts are no longer thanE6=é two@3137D32é inches aboveAéthe that was /<2é growing inside of me. To this day, I >3=>:3é E3@3é0@756Bé lor that I was starting to have thougs knees, and sweaters are27/;=<2Aé always on.AéWe wereA67<Gœé AB7::é 9<=EéE6/BéB6/Bé433:7<5éE/Aé!3397<5é A67<Gé E3@3é 0CBé2=<Bé @=C56é of just not being her anymre.o I could B/C56BéB6/Bé>3=>:3é E6=é @3137D32é AéE3@3é 0@756Bé 63:>é /BéB63é1=C<A3::=@Aé=44713éE/Aé3FB@3;3:Gé /@=C<2é B63é 3253Aé Aé E3@3é 8CABé /é @=19œé not posibly withsand the presu put /<2éA67<Gé27/;=<2Aé Aé E3@3é A67<Gœé 0CBé @=C56é <3@D3ßE@/197<5é é272<BéB67<9é/0=CBé5=7<5é4=@ thrown away in a ditch and worthles. on by the instituion or the competi ß /@=C<2éB63é3253AéAéE3@3é8CABé/é@=19œéB6@=E<é help until my senior year; I thought doing so tive ambience amongst my clasmates. away in a ditch %/:97<5é and worthless. a sign of weakness. I told my counsellor /@=C<2é B63é 6/::E/GAœéwas G=C2é It63/@é simply hurt to much. I just wanted that I was starting to have thoughts of just students crying over their 9% instead of my life to stop. What did my counsel ß %/:97<5é/@=C<2é ABC not being here anymore. I could not possibly 10, or doingB63é way to 6/::E/GAœé many extracuricu G=C2é63/@é - :=@é A/Gé 6œé 7BAé 8CABé /é >6/A3é D3@G ß dents crying over of 100, or withstand the pressures put on by the instilars, their or trying to 99% figure out if the instead teacher =<3é 6/Aé B6=A3é B6=C56BAé F13>Bœé 74é doing way too many extracurriculars, tution or the competitive ambience amongst would punish them for going ten words or trying evryone so hapens to have thes to figure out if /0=D3é the teacher would punish them my6/@2é classmates.

It simply hurt too much. I just B63é E=@2é 1=C<Bé Bé E/A<Bé B=é B6=C56BAœé E6Gé B67<9é 7BAé /é >6/A3é for going ten words above the word count.

It wanted my life to stop. What did my counsellor figure out who had what grades and who E/A<Bé6/@2éB=é 475C@3é =CBé E6=éB63é 6/2éE6/Bé 5@/23Aé A/Gé 6œé7BAé8CABé/é>6/A3éD3@G=<3é6/AéB6=A3é E3@3é 8CABé 03:=Eé /D3@/53é =;>/@7<5é It semed strange how evrything we and who were just below the average.

ComB6=C56BAé F13>Bœé74é3D3@G=<3éA=é6/>>3<AéB=é each other baeds on achim ev ents, we wer thrown at in schol was because paring each other based achievements, we 6/D3é- B63A3éB6=C56BAœéE6GéB67<9é7BAé/é>6/A3 pride ourselv on havingonour name writ =4é =2Aé 723/:Aé ’3Bé E63<é 2=3Aé 3é B3::é prided ourselvestenondownhaving on the honour our rol liname st to be written CAéB=é53BéAB@/756BéAé7<éB63é70:3é%63<é down on the honour listised to It seemed strange how everything we were posted for all to roll se. We wer ra to be posted for 2=3Aé3éB3::éCAéB6/BéE3é<332éB=é6/D3éé all to see. We were raised toinghave B6@=E<é/Bé7<éA16==:éE/Aé031/CA3é=4é=2Aé723/:Aé have high expcta tions, think that pahigh in expec3FB@/1C@@71C:/@Aé B=é 53Bé 7<B=é 1=::3 tations, thinkingme that 2=3Aé3éB3::éCAéB=é53BéAB@/756BéAé7<é antpain suce inmeant the futre. In success reality, I in the ’3BéE63<é what point is it God teling us to do thes future. In reality,thinkI think of us of were broken. the Bible? When does He tell us that we need a lot of us awer brokenlot . Many us things instead of us working throug Many of us werewer doing doing 30 extracurriculars to get into college? over ten over extracuriculars, ten mul extracurriculars, to have - /<é =CB2/B32é AGAB3;é =@é 3F>31B/B7=<A multiple Advanced Placement Classes, choral At what point is it God telling us to do these tiple Advanced Placement Clase, choral concert choir, had a part-time job, and were things instead of us working through an outdat1=<13@Bé 16=7@œé 6/2éstill /é>/@BßB7;3é 8=0œé /<2éAB7::é Sinc e graduating, I have constantly expected to come out sane after it. ed system or expectations? wer expctd to come out sane after it. wonder how my mental health would Wher do we draw the

I could barely handle I could barely the handacademic le the academic pressures pres given to me, letsure gialone the extracurricular side. ven to me, let alone the extracur I remember constantly feeling I ricular side. I rem ember consick stantwhenever ly feling walked into school.

Every morning my dad would sick whenevr I walked into schol. Every

45

be difernt if we wer under anoth ß Since- graduating, I have constantly wondered 3@é AGAB3;é /G03é 2é 6/D3é 4C<é =@é 3<8=Gé how - my mental health would be different if we :3/@<7<5é 3D3@Gé 2/Gé /G03é =>34C::G E3@3éC<23@é/<=B63@éAGAB3;é/G03é2é6/D3é4C<é or enjoy learning every day. Maybe. Hopefully.

ebb&flow

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: INDIRA FISHER CREATIVE ASSISTANTS: CHANEL ROMEO AND RIDA CHAUDHRY PHOTOGRAPHY: KIERAN TURNBULL HAIR AND MAKEUP: MARIANGELA CASARELLA MODELS: CARLY WHITE, JAZZY LEELO AND SK OSUNSANYA

G N I D I L S K C A BBACKSLID BACKSLIDING. ING. BY: FIONA MEESON

<3

I want to get better.

THERE

MIGHT NOT EVEN BE A

INISH LINE

/G03é é /;é 03BB3@é BAé 6/@2é B=é 2347<3é E6/Bé é03BB3@é7Aœé3A>317/::GéE63<éG=C@3éA=é1/C56Bé - C>é7<éB@G ing to not get worse. The thing no one wants to tell you about mental health recovery is that it is frustratingly nonlinear; there might not even be a FRUSTRATINGLY NONLINEAR finish line.

The Greek D3é AB@C55:32é E7B6é ;C:B7>:3é ;3<B/:é 7::<3AA3Aé 4=@é /: myth of Sisyphus proves useful when describing my initial attempts at recovery. As he had most half my life, all of which became significantcheated death twice, the Gods sentenced Sisyphus ly more severe once I entered university. In the to eternal punishment in the Underworld. He was spring of first year, after a series of panic attacks forced to roll a massive boulder up a steep hill, only that sent me to the hospital three times, I finalfor it to roll back down whenever he reached the ly acknowledged that I needed professional help. top. In my first few months of treatment, I felt that I reached out to a therapist and started taking a Sisyphean futility. If I had a good day, I was sure low dose of antidepressants. My plan was to wean to fall into a depressive spiral within the next twenoff the drugs as soon as possible, drop the theraty-four hours. My fantasy of recovery as a Point A py once I felt stable, and start my second year as to Point B scenario was crushed. At the end of that 74é <=B67<5é 3D3@é 6/>>3<32ł;Gé 0@3/92=E<œé /é ;7<=@é summer, I had no idea if I had made any progress setback on my path to an ambiguous, well-adjusted whatsoever. I went into second year having largely greatness. In retrospect, I have to laugh at how degiven up on therapy, taking my pills only when I B3@;7<32éE/Aé é B=é@3BC@<éB=é;Géé=:2éA3:4E6=3D3@é é felt like it, and feeling disillusioned with the whole B6/BéE/AœéA63Aé:=<5é5=<3 I WAS concept of recovery.

F RU ST RAT ED THAT I HAD TO I resigned myself to a life half-lived. Clinging onto TRY TO BE any moment of genuine peace or joy, wallowing in HAPPY humiliation when I felt myself backsliding. Reread-

ing my journal from second year makes me cry. I sound helpless, utterly alienated. In one November 3<B@Gé é E@=B3œé é 1/<Bé :7D3é 47D3é B7;3Aé 7<é /é @=Eœ then scribbled over each line, pressing so hard with my pen that the words appeared, reversed, on the

49

PHOTO AND CREATIVE: MAYA GINZBURG

G

other side of the page. I remember the sick, sinking feeling when the bad days started to pile up, one after the other. The long afternoons I spent in bed, silent and exhausted, waiting for something terrible to happen to me; the mornings I stood under the showerhead, deliberately dousing myself in freezing water to slow my breathing and heart rate.

I

DON’T

HATE MYSELF FOR STRUGGLING ANYMORE

=@3é7;>=@B/<B:GœéD3é:3/@<32éB=é03é6=<3ABé - /<2é <3>/ B73<Bé E7B6é ;GA3:4ł/<2é =B63@AłE63<é 7Bé 1=;3Aé B= mental health. I understand that the people I love worry about me because they love me, and I allow myself to feel that love.

%67:3é é 6/D3<Bé 033<é ;/571/::Gé 1C@32é =4é ;3<B/:é - 7:: <3AAœé é 2=<Bé 6/B3é ;GA3:4é 4=@é AB@C55:7<5é /<G;=@ E/A<Bé é /:E/GAé;7A3@/0:3œé0CBéE/Aé é 4@CAB@/B32é likeB6/Bé to think that Sisyphus found some kind of fulfillI had to try to be happy, instead of it coming to me ment in running up that hill every day, too. naturally. I was angry at my family and friends for seemingly defaulting to pity around me; I imagined I’VE LEARNED TO BE that they thought of me as the sick one, the sad HONEST AND PATIENT one, the one who was hard to be around, who cried MYSELF for no reason and spoiled the party with her palpa- WITH ble anxiety. This resentment towards the people I loved only fueled my relapses. The worse I felt, the more I isolated myself; it became a self-flagellating cycle. I certainly had empathy to spare for others 7<éA7;7:/@éA7BC/B7=<Aé/Aé;3œéA=éE6Gé1=C:2<BééA6=Eé myself that same kindness?

The funny thing about recovery is that you never feel much of a change day to day. Then, suddenly, you might wake up after fighting your own brain /<2é@3/:7H3éG=Cé2=<Bé6/D3éB=é47<2éG=C@éE/Gé0/19éB=é G=C@éé=:2éA3:4/Bé é /::é/G03éB63éA3:4éB6/Bé3;3@53Aé 4@=;é B63A3ł>/7<4C:œé 3F6/CAB7<5œé C<1=;4=@B/0:3ł experiences is the better self.

This past summer I relapsed for what was probably B63é 6C<2@32B6é B7;3œé /<2é é E=<Bé :73œé 7Bé E/Aé - /<é 3F cruciating process of trying to level myself out. I felt just as low as I had three years ago. However, ;é/éA3/A=<32é3F>3@Bé/BéB67Aé>=7<BéBAé/<éC<4=@BC nate truth that the more you relapse, the easier it 031=;3Aé B=é 1=>3é 756Bé <=Eœé ;é E@7B7<5é B67Aé 4@=;é a relatively stable place. I go to therapy biweekly. é B/93é ;Gé ;3271/B7=<é 3D3@Gé 2/Gé /G03é ::é <332é B63A3éB67<5Aé4=@éB63é@3ABé=4é;Gé:743œé/<2éB6/BAé=9/Gé

I RESIGNED MYSELF TO A LIFE HALF-LIVED

50

RÉVEiLLE TOI MARIE CREATIVE DIRECTOR: GRACE LU CREATIVE ASSISTANT: CHANEL ROMEO PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH REESE MAKEUP: CHELSEA ROBERTS MODEL: EMILY GWIN

a love letter to sisters by: liz gonzalez

My sister and I are just short of a decade apart /é0:/<93Bé5755:7<5é/Bé/0AC@2:GéC<4C<<Gé"79é"=9A in age.

Sisters communicate in their secret language, one where anger and adoration are synonyms and ofThose nine years feel like a millennium. Grow- ten intertwined. My sister is my biggest inspiraing up, we were always in different pivotal mo- tion, but given the opportunity, my biggest frusments of our lives. While I was indulging in Disney B@/B7=<é<2ééE=C:2<Bé6/D3é7Bé/<Gé=B63@éE/Gé channel and my fifth-grade science projects, she was exploring alternative music and inaugurating The older I get, the more I realize that I exadulthood and university. We were close growing perience the divinity of sisterhood in all of my up, as in, we physically spent endless hours in female friendships. The special attachment bethe same house, but our friendship was limited to tween young women, in particular, is equally as whatever conversations a ten and nineteen-year- complicated as the one between biological sisters. old could have.

My best friend feels just like a sister to me; Not in a cheesy, Pinterest-quote kind of way, but in Yet, having a sister was always a defining aspect a real, my life has been irreversibly changed by of my life. My taste in music was defined by this friendship sort of way. The same goes for what I would hear blasting from her bedroom, my other friends, who have seen me in my best distinguished by angst I was yet to understand. and worst moments. Once you hit 15, you enter As we have both grown up, our age gap has a mysterious and indescribable hallway, the scary become something we cherish. She lived all the trajectory of being a young woman. Within a year, big moments before me, and her life provides you somehow can experience every single emoan unpolished, sometimes humorous map for me tion at once, while somehow being expected to to follow. My sister quite literally is my moral ;/</53éG=C@é=E<é:743łG=Cé/@3éC<23<7/0:GéA1/@3 1=;>/AAé łé /<2é G3Aœé é 2=é 63/@é 63@é D=713é 7<é ;Géout of your barely-pubescent mind. The only thing head right before I make a ridiculous decision. that sometimes helps that fear is having a laugh The facetime call that occurs post-said decision about it with friends while you listen to music and is always one of laughter, followed by serious life decide what to wear. advice as I roll my eyes, pretending to not be mentally memorizing all she tells me.

Traditional media wants you to believe that young girls who spend too much time together are ineviThe intricacies of sisterhood are difficult to ex- tably in competition with one another. Our famous plain. There is no other relationship to compare it female friendships, the Blair Waldorf and Serena to. I miss my sister more than anyone when I am $/<23@E==2A=<Aé =4é B63é E=@:2é /@3é <=Bé =<3Aé E away from home, but she also drives me abso- want to praise. While they are iconic, they make lutely crazy. We will fight, argue, send passive-ag- it seem that being a frenemy is the only form gressive texts, and end the night wrapped up in of female friendship that exists; yeah, you can 53

sincerely, your best friend, confidant, and biggest pet peeve.

have this beautiful bond with your friend...

0CBé G=Cé >@=0/0:Gé A31@3B:Gé 6/B3é 3/16é =B63 5CBAé<éA=;3éE/GAé7BAéB@C3é%3éA>3<2é-1=C<B less hours locked in bathrooms, arguing over where to go next. We yell at each other for texting an ex or leaving dishes in the sink. Yet we also put each other to bed and make sure to remind one another to take their makeup off at the end of a long night. While my girlfriends are not family, I never feel safer than when I am giggling in a room or sitting in a parking lot with my best friend as we blast music and share our daily misfortunes. We tease each other endlessly, but little does the rest of the world know that in the Fiat, those two sixteen-year-olds are providing free B63@/>Gé B=é =<3é /<=B63@é łé B6=A3é 1=<D3@A tions and anecdotes will outlive their present relevance and last a lifetime.

Despite what we are led to believe, the beauBGé=4éA7AB3@6==2é7Aé7<é/::é7BAé1=;>:3F7B73 the yelling, the laughing, the honesty, and the C<23<7/0:3é:=D3éBAéB63éB3/A7<5é/<2éB63é3G3ß rolls you get when you bring up that boy for the fifth time of the day. It is more than just /é @35C:/@é 0=<2é =@é 4@73<2A67>é łé A7AB3@6= not properly described as just a word that refers to two blood-related individuals. Sisterhood is a shield; it is a hug from your best friend or a dance party in your PJs.

!7AB3@Aé /@3é :793é B63é C<7D3@A3AéE/Gé B=é @ us that we are not alone in this melodramatic /<2é 3F17B7<5é B67<5é 1/::32é é037<5é /é 57@:é <2é thank God for that.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ASHLEY COWIE CREATIVE: CHANEL ROMEO AND RIDA CHAUDRY

54

time, as have my memories with him.

There are gaps in my memory from this time that likely will never be filled, and I may always 6/D3é B=é E=<23@é E6/Bé ;é ;7AA7<5

BY:MEGAN

TESCH

My grief can feel like a never-ending path, and yet I fear reaching the other side.

There is no benefit in being unable to remember his passing, but rather a source of constant curiosity and anguish.

Being so young, I only knew my father in such a compact and abstract sense. When I last saw him, I was unaware it would be the final time. His passing came out of nowhere, and I was unable to have the last moment with him that many others speak =4é E63<é 27A1CAA7<5é A=;3=<3Aé >/AA7<5

This article contains discussions of grief and death. The author wants to acknowledge that this is a sensitive topic and that this writing Coping with grief is something that I have 7Aé<=Bé@34:31B7D3é=4é3D3@G=<3Aé3F>3@73<13A often kept behind curtains, a bit too uncertain about my own feelings to feel like I could My understanding of grief has always been adequately express them to others. I have that I would grow out of it. I always believed never related to the conventional narrative that as time passed, I would gain a sense of of grief. I did not follow the order of the A31C@7BGé 7<é ;Gé 4/B63@Aé >/AA7<5é !=;3B7;3Aé é have I reached the stage of steps, nor 433:é /Aé B6=C56é ;é AB7::é B63@3é @756Bé E63@3é acceptance. This narrative has limited he left me, scrambling for answers to me in my choice to outwardly express my questions I can no longer ask. I grief. I felt there was little validity in how certainly did not think I would be I felt. At times I have wondered how I could mourning for this long into my life. once feel so much acceptance and then fall It has been almost fifteen years back into feelings of disappointment and loss. since my sister and I suddenly lost our father, the memories of Grieving has occurred in increments throughwhich have mostly been lost to time. My out my life, and at times I still shudder from 4/B63@Aé >/AA7<5é 1/;3é /Bé /é B7;3é E63<é ;Gé this loss. I learn a new story of my father every 0@/7<é6/2<Bé23D3:=>32é3<=C56éB=é233>:Gé - so3Foften, and while it brings back feelings of >3@73<13é 5@734é D3é 5@=E<é B=é @31=5<7H3é B6/Bé and loss, it also brings me closer uncertainty my memory of the event has been altered by to him. Learning more about my father allows 55

brain was too young to process it, and peome to understand him in the only way I can. It ple often find themselves grieving for much was in living alongside my grief, alongside the longer than they once thought they would.

3;=B7=<Aé1=C:2<Bé é >7<>=7<BœéB6/Bé6/D3é é 033<é Learning about grief and the inaccuracy of able to stay connected to my father after his the common narrative left me validated in passing. Many questions will always be left this continuous struggle. Everyone is entiunanswered, and yet with the few memories I tled to experience grief differently. Wheth6/D3œéé/;é/0:3éB=é13:30@/B3é;Gé4/B63@Aé:743er the passing happened yesterday or over a decade ago, it is imperative that anyone Grief after the passing of a parental figure grieving feels safe and comfortable expressis hardly discussed, despite its commonali- ing the emotions associated with their loss. ty. Death is treated as taboo, regardless of how everyone will experience it within their My father is long gone now; however, he life. Grief is experienced entirely differently has come back to me in tiny bits throughout by everyone, and unfortunately, our concep- my life. I am able to learn more than I ever tions of grief can get in the way of process- thought I could about him. The bad and the 7<5é A=;3=<3Aé >/AA7<5é Gé 5@734é 6/Aé 5@=E<é good are intertwined. The story of my father with me throughout the years, altering in alters and shifts with each addition of new inhow these feelings appear in my physical formation. I have yet to fully come to terms and emotional life. At times, my unresolved with the fact that I will always have gaps in feelings have manifested themselves in misdi- memory, and that there will always be quesrected anger and self-sabotaging behaviours. tions left unanswered. I do not know if there 31=5<7H7<5é ;=;3<BAé =4é 5@734é 6/A<Bé 033<é will ever come a day when I have reached 3/AGé /<2é =4B3<é D3é 43:Bé B6/Bé é 272<Bé 9<=EéB63éAB/53é=4é/113>B/<13œé/<2éG3BœéD3é4=C<2 where my feelings were coming from. stability in accepting that this process is not meant to have an end date.

Grief is long term and excruciatingly complicated. It was in reading about grief, specifically in regards to the death of a parent at a young age, that I was able to be less hostile towards my own grieving process.

I learned that it is unlikely to feel resolution from this event if it occurred when your 56

hol i s t i c

regime

CREATIVE DIRECTOR: BRENDAN REID CREATIVE ASSISTANT: MAYA GINZBURG PHOTOGRAPHER: TARYN RESENDE HAIR AND MAKEUP: CHELSEA ROBERTS MODLES: SARA-ELIZABETH GRAY, MIDHAT MUJADDID AND MAYA KATSOF

ISSUE XXIII

MUSE MAGAZINE AT QUEEN’S E D I T O R- I N - C H I E F Megan Fanjoy

DIRECTORS Creative Director Chanel Romeo Buisness Director Matt D’Alessandro Marketing Director Erin Healy Online Director Katherine Lidtke Print Director Thalia Anobile

HEADS

Head of Layout Maya Kotsovolos

Head of Photography Kieran Turnbull

Head of Editorials Maya Ginzburg

Head of Events Siena Caridi-Ross Emma Patton

Head of Videography Zoe McCormack

Head of Finance Stuart McNaugthon

Head of Development Aaryan Chaudhury

Head of Initiatives Stephanie Crimi

Chief Technology Officer Dylan Langan-Smith Podcast Production Manager Claudia Beattie

ONLINE

Online Intern Margot Dent Online Editors Allie MacGregor Megan Tesch Ben Jeffries Reilly Kennedy Katelyn Battad Carly White Online Music Editor Tiana Lam Online Music Contributors Paisia Warhaft Gabriel Korth Ben Keresteci Jack Selby

Online Contributors Emily Hargrave Rachel Dunn Alysha Mohamed Makaila Atsonglo Lakshmi Anandaraj Kris Sanchez Talia Bell Élyse Willan Sadie McFadden Fiona Meeson Victoria Noon Julia Harmsworth Sierra Jones-McLeod Caitlin Parkes Joanna Petropoulos Margot Dent Isabella Crysler Rachel Salem-Wiseman Cordelia Jamieson Katarina Bojic Liz Gonzalez Online Illustrators Sadie Levine Maddie Yule Eileen Raisbeck Teagan Kirkey-Manning Angela Yuan

Podcast Production Assistant Jaimie Frank

Technology Interns Sophie Goodman Dallin Whitford UI/UX Designer Sari Pagurek van Mossel

PRINT

Print Intern Annabelle Matifat Fashion Editor Jenny Zhu

Lifestyle Editor Arden Goodfellow

Entertainment Editor Alisa Bressler Arts Editor Annabelle Matifat

Muse’ings Editor Joanna Petropoulos

C R E AT I V E Creative Intern Rida Chaudhry

Creative Assistants Avery Simard Brendan Reid Grace Lu Indira Fisher Martha Hillen Michelle Blaho-Melo

Hair & Makeup Artists Chelsea Roberts Mariangela Casarella Lalique Allan Layout Designers Armita Dabirzadeh Azzedine Fong Nadisha Gautam Flora Lin Matthew Nguyen

Videographers Abby Boyd Amanda Restano Ashley Cowie Francesca Lim Lauren Howling Keon Smith Photographers Amanda Restano Ashley Cowie Taryn Resende Cat Rose Liv Wright Sarah Reese Vicky Zhang

BUSINESS Business Interns Mariam Guirguis Rhea Matharu Sponsorship Coordinators

Freda Li Amy Newnham Ruby Luhtanen

Events Coordinators Amanda Malowney Shruti Goyal Sierra Holas

MARKETING Marketing Intern Tara Vujosevic Marketing Coordinators

Emily Gwin Ellie Horning Geridil Alcantara Sheetal Goyal

60

MUSE MAGAZINE

61

ISSUE XXIII

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