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Welcome Back Edition August 29, 2016

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF To Our Readers,

OUR STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF North by Northgate

EDITOR SUPREME

Panda Expressions

FINANCE EDITOR

Plug Down for Watt

INTERNAL EDITOR

Corpus Escort

EXTERNAL EDITOR

Bacon & Ags

SECRETARY EDITOR

Netflix & Drill

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION:

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Congratulations on picking up the first hard-copy edition of The Mugdown! If you’re familiar with The Mugdown, you’ll know that we have been a primarily online publication so trying our hands at a dying medium is pretty exciting for us. If you’re new to Texas A&M— first of all, Howdy!™— we hope this issue will give you a good idea for what The Mugdown is all about and that it will encourage you to stay in touch with us throughout the year. The Mugdown exists to challenge the thinking of the Texas A&M community by delivering relevant satirical news, so I guess that makes us similar to The Battalion, except people actually read what we write. To the returning students, we’re back and we have a lot of exciting things planned for this semester! Remember Corps of Cadets: The Musical that we produced last spring? To start off this semester, we’re donating the $34,000 we raised to the Lone Survivor Foundation and Aggie Rings for Veterans. In fact, we are setting up an endowment which will allow us to purchase an Aggie Ring for a deserving veteran every year... forever. Once again, thank you to everyone who came out and supported the show! Everyone on staff with The Mugdown writes with a purpose of creating discussion within the Texas A&M community and that cannot be possible without you. We love hearing from you on Facebook, Twitter, email, and our website. Thank you to our loyal readers who have supported us through the years and we look forward to making new friends (and perhaps a few enemies) this year. Welcome Back,

facebook.com/mugdown

North by Northgate 2016-2017 Editor-in-Chief | The Mugdown

@Mugdown SPECIAL THANKS TO: Our wonderful advisor who keeps us from being sued all the time.

Disclaimer: The Mugdown is a satirical publication. Any and all content associated should be assumed to be mostly or entirely fictionalized. With the exception of public figures and entities, any names found within are made up and unassociated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used. Additionally, any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise. The Mugdown is a work of humor and not a serious news source.

The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OPEN YO

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— Not a

Nutjob

www.mugdown.com August 2016 The Mugdown

Sophomore by Hours,

Douchebag by Nature by War Hymnal

Throughout Gig ‘Em Week™, eager freshmen are getting out and introducing themselves to fellow classmates all over campus. Students report that Chet Walker, a freshman Pre-Law/Pre-Med double major from The Woodlands, has been making it a point to meet as many of his classmates as possible to build his network early. Students who have met Walker agree that in addition to being aggressively outgoing and having 30 hours of credit already, he is also a total douchebag. “Howdy! I’m Chester Steven Walker III, but I go by Chet, AAAAA!!!!!!!” Walker said to a passing student. “Are you a freshman? I’m technically a sophomore, but it’s only my first year of college. Wanna grab some Panda?” Walker was already imagining how he would explain to his new friend how he ended up with so many credit hours when his newest friend, marketing major Lewis Christensen, began evasive maneuvers.a “Hey…sorry man, I’m heading back to my dorm,” Christensen said. “I just ate anyway.” According to Christensen, Walker was incredibly persistent. “He asked me what dorm I lived in, then explained that he had lived in a dorm at his summer lacrosse camp every year of his life so far, so he knew all the secrets,” Christensen said. “I just wandered around until he found someone else to bother -- there was no way I was leading him to my dorm.” Others students have had equally unbearable encounters with Walker. “I remember that guy. He was in my Fish Camp, and he never did his wildcat,” said Jennifer Mendez, a freshman biology major. “When his counselor asked him why, he said he was technically class of 2018... what a prick.” “He was going on about wanting to play college ball. I’m not sure what sport, but he

pulled his meniscus or something at state. I can’t believe I listened to him for so long,” said Kyle Anderson, a freshman English major. Each evening, Walker can usually be found trying to get a pick-up game of sand volleyball or ultimate Frisbee started. “Oh, you’re in History 105? I took APUSH last year, so let me know if you need to see my notes,” Walker said to another one of his helpless targets. “I wish I could take easy classes like that, most of mine are 200-level.” Walker was last seen introducing himself to his professor at the front of a 200-student lecture hall.

War Hymnal couldn’t be more maroonblooded. A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.

The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! THE ADULT PERSON! YOU’RE READING A STUDENT PUBLICATION (WE WON’T JUDGE) THAT REACHES THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS WHO ARE JUST BEGGING FOR PLACES TO GO AND SPEND THEIR MONEY. GIVE THEM SOME GOOD SUGGESTIONS BY SPONSORING US! VISIT MUGDOWN.COM/SPONSOR FOR MORE

Keep College Station Weird by GingerbRedass Illustrations by Wrecking Crew Reba

Drunks Say the Darnedest Things

It’s important that you follow Texas A&M’s two humor accounts on Twitter: @Mugdown and @TAMUPolice. Forget Alaska State Troopers, the Campus Cops really need a reality show. Here are the highlights from the past school year, as told by @TAMUPolice: Texas A&M Police

Texas A&M Police

@TAMUPolice

7/11-Traffic accident: Illegally parked car struck from behind (*Airbags deployed in 2nd car). 1st driver had exited to catch a Pokémon.

6/1- Poss. of Controlled Substance PG 1 [Meth] (Polo Field): Person contacted after officer saw him flailing his arms & dancing around trees

Texas A&M Police

5/30-Assault by Threat (Research Park): Words were exchanged following an incident where 2 were almost hit by a (flying) disk golf disk Texas A&M Police

@TAMUPolice

(4/2) Public Intoxication (West Garage): Officer offered to call his roommates in order to avoid arrest, but he didn’t want to bother them.

4/11-Public Intoxication (PA88): Nude male arrested. Kept repeating “Am good, am good.” Texas A&M Police (3/26) Poss. Cont. Sub. PG 1 (H. Mitchell Pkwy). Passenger arrested on warrants had bag of meth. When asked if it was meth...”I guess it is” Texas A&M Police

Texas A&M Police

@TAMUPolice

(3/31) Possession-Marijuana (Bush Dr.) MJ odor & flakes present when driver stopped. When asked what he was eating...”Just a little bud sir”

(2/5) Subject passed out on campus bench arrested for Public Intox.. Told officer he likes to walk home after drinking to get his exercise

(10/4) 23 yr old W/M arrested for Public Intoxication in PA13. When asked where his ride was, said “That’s a great #!@+*^% question”

Texas A&M Police @TAMUPolice

(10/3) 18 yr old W/M arrested for Public Intoxication at Kyle Field. Told officer he thought he was at AT&T Stadium faor BaylorTx Tech game Texas A&M Police @TAMUPolice

(9/6) 22 yr old W/M arrested for Public Intox. at Northside Garage. When asked why he was lying on the floor, replied “waiting for you”

PRESENTS...

DRUNK TRADITIONs Texas A&M’s traditions as you’ve never heard them before. Coming this Fall. Watch the Teaser: www.mugdown.com/DrunkTraditions www.mugdown.com August 2016 The Mugdown

MSC, Rudder Among Buildings to be Renamed by North by Northgate

The Board of Regents at Texas A&M plan to rename some of campus’s landmark buildings, including the Memorial Student Center, Rudder Tower and Theater Complex, and Academic Building, a decision many are describing as another example of the growing divide between current and former students and the administration. The move is part of Texas A&M’s effort to raise $4 Billion as part of the “Lead by Example” campaign. Launched in November 2015, the initiative aims to increase the funding for to research across the University System. Over the next five years, naming rights will be given to donors who offer the largest contributions to the Texas A&M Endowment, currently valued at close to $11 billion. The decision comes less than two years after a similar uproar caused the Board of Regents to backtrack on plans to rename the iconic Academic Building the “Rick Perry ‘72 Academic Building” after Texas Governor Rick Perry, a former student, cadet, and Yell Leader. “General Rudder is an American hero! He led the Rangers during the crucial D-Day invasion of Pointe-du-Hoc and went on to be President of A&M during a major turning point for this school. Now it seems we don’t recognize people who do things, but donate things,” said Amanda Winston, a junior Political Science major. Texas A&M maintains that the naming policy is in line with the university’s values and has been successful in the past. Susan Hartford of the Texas A&M Foundation told The Mugdown, “Take the new Music Activities Center, for example. Donors come to us and say, ‘We want our name to be put on the band hall or drill field, but we don’t want to have to lead and direct the band for decades.’ All it takes is a few million and we can make it happen for them.”

Some students aren’t bothered by the news. “I love A&M, so someday I hope to have a building named after me,” said Chris Stevenson, a sophomore Finance major. “If I were awarded the Medal of Honor I would only get a tree at a secluded park or be the namesake of a dorm. Exemplifying the Aggie Values after graduation wouldn’t get me any real recognition. Instead, I need to do something that matters like make a lot of money, so I can buy a building!” When asked about negative reactions from current and former students, Elaine Mendoza,

The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

Vice Chairman of the Board of Regents responded, “I don’t see why people are suddenly upset. Thanking our donors for their leadership is not a new concept at Texas A&M or other SEC schools. Edwin J. Kyle heroically donated the first bleachers to the athletic association. I don’t see anyone upset about naming Kyle Field for his demonstrated leadership.” For the full list of buildings being considered under the proposal, visit www.mugdown.com Let us know your thoughts: Tweet us @Mugdown.

Engineering Major STARBUCKS Unsure if Everyone at ON THE HISTORIC QUADRANGLE Party Knows He’s an Engineering Major NOW OPEN!

We are excited to announce the opening of the newest Starbucks™ location on the Texas A&M Campus: The historic “Quad,” home to the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. A unique location deserves a unique offereing of drinks!

by War Hymnal

Secret Menu Class Espresso

A shot of espresso for each class you don’t want to fall asleep in.

HAZElnut Frappe

Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, 3 pumps hazelnut, and two dashes of Cholula.

Crapoutachino

Cappuccino with two additional shots of espresso.

The fish Buddy

Venti iced coffee with 20 straws for all of your buddies.

The Pisshead

Strawberries and cream frappe, scoop of vanilla bean powder, and a pump of mocha.

Zip ‘17

Drip coffee, a shot of espresso, and heavy cream.

Remedial PT

Cinnamon Dolce Creme frappe, 2 pumps of mocha, a scoop of java chips, and chocolate whip cream.

Butt Berry Blast

Strawberry acai to the first line, water to the third line, splash of orange mango juice, 2 pumps of peach syrup, and fizzed before being poured over ice. Available for a limited time. Only valid at: TAMU-Quad Starbucks, 501 Coke Street, College Station, TX

Freshman general engineering major David Chapman glanced around the house party nervously as he refilled his drink, looking for anyone he had not yet introduced himself to. “My time is valuable,” said Chapman. “Everyone here needs to know that I am an engineer since I will not have any free time once school begins. Not to complain, but I definitely have the hardest major of anyone in here.” All incoming freshmen interested in engineering are placed in General Engineering. This system allows freshmen to make an informed decision about which engineering field they want to specialize in after a year of taking University Core Curriculum classes. “I always knew I was going to be an engineer. I really liked Legos as a kid. That’s pretty much all it comes down to, doing what I love,” Chapman said to a group of people watching the beer pong game. “It’s pretty tough though, I spent like an hour Googling answers for the Math Placement

Exam so I could get into Cal 1.” The highlight of Chapman’s night was when he used a trash can to prop open the back door of the stuffy house. “It’s a good thing there’s an engineer at this party!” said Chapman with a chuckle. “I’d be lying if I said the money wasn’t a big part of my motivation. I can tell it gets the ladies excited when I talk about my future salary,” said Chapman, referring to the way women squirm uncomfortably when he talks to them. Chapman then tried to describe the difficulty in choosing Chemical or Mechanical to a couple of “potential trophy wives”. “He kept trying to explain how much harder his major was,” said Whitney Parker, a freshman marketing major. “But he’s going to be in like three of my core curriculum classes.” As of press time, Chapman appeared nervous after looking at the course load for sixteen hours.”

www.mugdown.com August 2016 The Mugdown

The Mugdown’s

School Survival Guide Congrats— you did it! You made it to college. And more amazingly, you survived Fish Camp. For most of you, this is your first rodeo— but don’t worry— we already know who you are, and we are here to help. Here at The Mugdown, we care about your success, so we’ve declassified our very own School Survival Guide, just for you! If you are in Corps, see “Fish Tips” section on the opposite page.

PARKING Parking attendants are actually pretty forgiving. If you park in a 15-minute zone for 20-30 minutes you’re probably fine. Plus they don’t really look at the pass, so you can park in a different lot than you’re supposed to and probably be alright.

HIGH SCHOOL CREDITS Be sure to tell everyone how many hours you took in high school. Everyone will be impressed and insanely jealous that you don’t have to take HIST 105 and ENGL 101 here at A&M.

FLOs Join a FLO. Anyone who’s anyone is in a FLO. If you don’t get into one, take it very personally and accept that you’ll be alone for the next four years. If you do get in, make sure you wear something other than maroon, white, or khaki to football games to remind the rest of the stadium that you’re bigger and better than the Aggie family itself. Plus, you get to look forward to yelling “CLASS OF 2021?!” for several weeks next year!

FOOTBALL You always need a date. Asking a stranger or casual friend to be your date to a game usually works out. I mean, it’s not like you’re supposed to kiss or anything. Take a girl or guy out to a fine dining experience like Sbisa, or Chick Fil A beforehand. If you want some serious one-onone time, try a less popular game day spot, like Fuego or Laynes, where you can get to know your date without being interrupted by anyone you know.

ROOMMATES It’s helpful to hang up your class schedule in your dorm. In high school you showed up at the same time at the same place every day. Now, you’ll need a reminder of when and where you should be. But most importantly, it’ll let your roommate know when it’s safe for them to masturbate. Give them a heads up if you’re coming back from class early— trust us— this is for your sake not theirs.

CAMPUS FOOD Campus food will slowly kill you. Stock up whenever you go home. You think you would never crave vegetables, but just wait until you have eaten nothing but pizza and chick-fil-a for a month. *Note: The vegetables in Panda Express lo mein do not count.

The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

BREAKAWAY Breakaway is best for groups of 5 or more. Wanna go to Breakaway? Cool, just make sure to knock on every door in your hall to rally some people to go with you. Make sure to save a few seats around you in Reed for any stragglers that might show up. Don’t worry if you’re the first one in your group to show up, you can hold seats using your Bible, your concise New Testament Bible, your Prayer Journal, and your Church notes journal. Worst case scenario, if you can’t get a group to go with, you’ll just have to share your experience on Facebook. 1 Share = 1 Blessing.

PARKING, PART 2 Don’t back into parking spots in garages. Seriously. We aren’t joking about this one. You will get a ticket. No, we don’t understand it either. You’ve been warned.

TOILETS Find the VIP toilets. All restrooms were not created equal. Some are granite-covered displays of opulence, comfort, and sanitation, while others are hazardous at best, locked at worst. Whether you like them private or with a view, finding your secret spot is a must. Best place? If we told you, you would ruin it.

BEING A FISH Establish your dominance. Whenever you do your Freshman Wildcat™, rip off your shirt and kick over anything nearby. Your peers will fear you and your upperclassmen will respect you.

DRIVING College Station has more than 6 roads. Look at a map and discover that you can get places on roads other than Texas, Wellborn, University, George Bush, Holleman, and Harvey. Also, when approaching the intersection of University and Texas, you have a protected turn lane. Use it and do not ever stop. Ever.

CELEBRITIES Keep a couple of crickets on you in case you run into Reveille. She loves ‘em.

ADRENALINE The most efficient way to ride a bike is on the sidewalk. Forget the haters, bike lanes are overrated! The sidewalk is your most efficient route to getting to your destination; don’t worry, that Walmart Schwinn really picks up speed when you are flying past pedestrians. Plus, the adrenaline rush from avoiding bikes is what keeps us pedestrians awake in class!

WALTON HALL Do not touch the hand rails (or anything else in there for that matter). Walton is basically the shadowy area in the Lion King. Just don’t.

LEARNING Make sure to remind your professors when they forget to assign or pick up homework. In college, students are always eager to learn as much as they can. After all, you’re paying for it! By reminding your professors about assignments, you are helping others be the best they can be. Your professors and peers will be extremely grateful.

FAMILY Call your mother. We shouldn’t have to explain this one. Calling your dad is not as important.

FINANCES Okay, call your dad too.

HYGIENE We get it, you spent your whole summer working at a summer camp/taking a super adventurous backpacking trip across South America, and haven’t showered since. But now it’s time to find a bar of soap. Start with a few times a week, then work back up to every day.

CAFFEINE Schedule time for standing in line at the Evans Starbucks - The Starbucks in Evans Library has an exceptional coffee blend that contains an elixir of life that you can ONLY get by standing in line for 45 minutes. Avoid all other coffee shops, of which there are tons to deceive you, and schedule at least an hour for coffee in Evans, just to be safe.

STAY BUSY

FIND YOUR

PERFECT

MAJOR TAKE THE ORIGINAL QUIZ CREATED BY

mugdown.com/MajorQuiz

Establish your priorities. College is all about balancing many different things at once. Make sure you spend your study time wisely by asking each of your professors if the material they are teaching is going to be on the test.

SAFE NAVIGATION Stick to the shadows, bushes, steam tunnels, and just about anywhere where no one else can be found. Remember, you don’t want to be recruited into anyone’s machine. You are your own, free individual. Screw the man.

ACCOMPLISHMENT Update your friends and classmates on your academic progress. Aggies love to support one another. Make sure you keep everyone updated on your great test scores and high GPA (loudly, like a real Aggie). Your classmates will be really proud of you. Better yet, post a picture of your transcript on social media. Photos of your 4.0 GPA will get a lot of likes, and will show employers how dedicated you are to your academics.

FISH TIPS Welcome to the Corps of Cadets! Your life is no longer in your control. We can’t give you any advice.

www.mugdown.com August 2016 The Mugdown

Mugdown Roadmap:

2016 Football Season

IT’S TIME! [Cue “Power” by Kanye West] Aggie Football is about to be back, and you can bet this season will be a crazy one, with more twists and turns than our offseason QB depth chart. You’re going to need to hold on to your seat harder than every left tackle we face this season is going to need to hold Myles Garrett. Luckily, The Mugdown’s advanced sports analytics THE SEASON OPENER: 9/3 v. UCLA team is here to point out some important games Everyone has been waiting months for this! It’s about 150 degrees outside, but the anticipation for this moment will keep half the fans in this season. Kyle Field from falling victim to heat stroke. (Sorry to the other half). Midway through the third quarter, you’re going to want to leave; the upperclassman will, but the freshmen, bound by the fear of judgment from the nine strangers with which they came, will stay. The Ags are going to come out firing on all cylinders, as if they’ve had an entire offseason to prepare. There will be an uptick of babies named Myles in Texas. The national media will predict Trevor Knight’s Heisman win. . . it’s such a done deal they’ve already dubbed him with his own nickname.

HEISHYPE NICKNAME OPTIONS: Ser Trill, A&M’s White Knight, Knight Rider.

THE CUPCAKE GAME: 9/10 v. Prairie View It’s still early enough in the season that people will be excited for this game, despite the fact that they’ll have to be up at oh-dark-thirty to get to this one. This game is little more than a formality, but the student body is still riding the high of last week and the promise of the season. The starters are out of the game by the second half. We’re going to beat the Trevor-livin’, Trevor-lovin’, Knightin’ Texas Aggie class of 2017 Hell Outta PVAMU.

MYLES GARRETT SEASON (SO FAR) SACKS: 8

THE HEARTATTACK GAME: 9/24 v. Arkansas This is going to be the best game of the season, and we aren’t even referring to the football but the fact that it will be indoors. Jerry Jones’ Gajillion-dollar shrine to Panem et Circenses will be cool, but the game will be hot. Inevitably, the Ags will find themselves backed into a corner at halftime. Some clutch plays will get the Aggies back in striking distance, expect this one to go to OT at least. The Ags will get out of Arlington a cool 4-0, leaving Bret Bielema looking more confused than a Corps fish around girls. Everyone is convinced that this team is something special— the defense has matured and the offense has swagger unseen since the days of Johnny. You believe so much that you buy plane tickets to the national championship game that evening.

BEER CONSUMED: INCALCULABLE

HYPE HYPE HYPE GAME: 10/22 v. Alabama The Aggies are sitting pretty at 6-0, hot off a victory over a good Tennessee squad and with a ranking that has just climbed inside the top ten nationally. The student body is absolutely jacked up for this game, with a zeal normally reserved for methamphetamine users or sorority door stacks. With a whole bye week to prepare, A&M is ready to take the next step. . . The team does not prepare hard enough however. The wheels fall off the wagon. Our defense isn’t as strong against the run as we think it was and our offense appears inept at best. The fans are dumbstruck on what to do. The Aggies can’t fire Spav or turn to a wunderkind QB to fix all of our problems. The students can’t beleive it, an Aggie squad has never collapsed in the back half of the season. When we go 6-0, we mean it. Nick Saban is still the devil. You cancel your plane tickets to the national championship game.

HEARTS BROKEN: 60,000

RIVALRY (I GUESS?) GAME: Thanksgiving v. LSU It’s the last game of the regular season, a time for many of college football’s traditional rivalries to be contested. In this sentiment, Texas A&M will be playing our oldest and fiercest rival, a university we have hated since time immemorial, so loathed that they feature prominently in our war hymn and have shaped many of our traditions: LSU of course. Make sure you bundle up, because the three hour period of the LSU game happens to be College Station’s biennial low temperature. Have fun making the wrong choice on whether you should go home for Thanksgiving dinner or stay here for the game. If you stay, make sure you have food in your apartment, because every business in College Station will be closed. College Station will become a cold, apocalyptic wasteland, where you will need to scavenge for supplies while dodging drunken bands of marauders clad in purple and yellow. On Thanksgiving Aggies break bread, while tigers break everything else.

PROPERTY DAMAGE: Around $250,000

10 The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

the

Texas A&M to Add FUTURE Seventh Core Value: HOUSEWIVES

Involvement by Metta World Pizza

Texas A&M prides itself on students exemplifying the University’s traditional six core values — Excellence, Integrity, Leadership, Loyalty, Respect, and Selfless Service. Wednesday morning, the Board of Regents made an important addition to this list— Involvement. “Many of our students give top priority to participation in some of our 900+ student organizations, which is why we believe it is imperative to make this addition,” said Jennifer Boyle, Interim Director of Student Activities. “Campus involvement is just as important as academics, if not more so, and we believe our Core Values should reflect this important part of being an Aggie.” The average student balances time between five to nine extra-curricular groups and generally takes a few classes on the side. Having everyone split into organized groups allows for greater unity as a student body. It has become routine on campus that the most effective and common way to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger is to boisterously exclaim, “HOWDY!”, proceed with your entire Aggie intro, and end with a detailed description of every single thing you have ever done in college. Aggies are eager to hear what other Aggies are up to, even if the explanation takes so much time you miss your next class. “Obviously, involvement in studentrun organizations outweighs our education; It is why we are here. Are you even an Aggie if you aren’t giving your time to saving all the orcas in captivity, five organizations, ending world hunger, studying abroad in Europe, and interning with Google this

OF BRAZOS VALLEY

CASTING CALL The Real Housewives from cities across America have given us some of the greatest moments in Reality TV history, and now is your chance to be a part of it! We have seen the Housewives go through everything, from divorces to bankruptcy to spectacular relapses into alcoholism and drug abuse. But one question has remained unanswered—, where do these women come from? That is where you come in!

summer? ” said Jane Meyer, freshman honors engineering student. Meyer, along with All banner-holding students by the MSC and Wehner think not. She recently joined a FLO and does not have a single regret about missing an entire week of courses writing her applications. The seventh and most defining core value goes into effect immediately. Students are encouraged to carry resumes and wear their organization’s clothing at all times.

We are looking for young, motivated women who are poised to become the over-educated trophy wives of the Texas elite. Women who are engaged or expect to become engaged to a young man on a high-salary career track are strongly preferred. You must be a member of a women’s organization. Bonus if you are in a real sorority. We are only casting television ready women, a minimum of an LA nine (which is a College Station twelve), and we have a limited capacity for minority cast members (i.e. brunettes, Catholics, and non-Texans). Women with military-bound fiancés are strongly encouraged to audition. APPLY TO: casting@sampsontalent.com

Find out how to over-involve yourself at the MSC Open House on Sunday, September 4th from 1-5pm. Ever been on a Japanese subway during rush-hour? Same idea, but with a lot more “Howdy!”

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How to Become

Student Body President So you want to be Student Body President, huh? Most freshman are asking themselves questions like “Can I wash my maroons with my whites?” or “How many days can I safely go without brushing my teeth?,” but not you— you’re asking, “How can I talk at as many Aggie Moms Clubs, Fish Camps, and SGA Impeachment trials as physically possible?” Well lucky for you, The Mugdown has formulated a point system to find if you are Student Body President material!

QUIZ

Add up all of the attributes that apply to you. 600 Points Required to be Elected.

COLUMN 1 GENDER Male +50 Female +[(# of yrs since last female SBP–5)x10] RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION Kinda Christian +50 Really, REALLY Christian +25 Anything Else -∞ RACE White +50 Anything else +0 SEXUALITY Straight +50 Anything Else -∞ CORPS OF CADETS Non-reg +0 Non-reg endorsed by the Corps +25 Cadet +50 COLUMN 1 TOTAL: _________

COLUMN 2 HOMETOWN Dallas +15 Houston +15 San Antonio +10 Austin +5 Out of State (South/Southwest/Midwest) +0 Out of State (CA/Pacific NW/East Coast) -20 Out of Country -∞

COLUMN 3 FLOs Fish Aides (#TheMachine) +50 FishCo, PREP, Any MSC FLO +25 FAST, AFC, ASSIST, FLIC +10 FLiP, FORME, FLARE, FLED, FLEX -10

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES Hair +(Score on a scale from 1 to 10) x 5 Straight White Teeth +15 Humble +10 So humble everyone knows how humble you are +25 Knows how to speak Christian +10 Knows how to say vaguely optimistic A&M platitudes +25

OTHER ORGANIZATIONS Maroon Coats +75 Traditions Council +30 Class Councils +50 Gilbert Leadership Conference +50 Big Event +30 Greek Life -25 Fish Camp +10 Impact +5 BCA +30 Aggie Muster Committee +30 Honors -∞ Student Senate -∞

COLUMN 2 TOTAL: _________

COLUMN 3 TOTAL: _________ GRAND TOTAL: _________

The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

Now that you know the requirements of being Student Body President, here is how to position yourself so you’ll be ready for your future campaign. This is A&M, so you better be Christian if you expect to get anywhere in student politics, but you can’t be too Christian. There’s a fine line you have to walk. People who are too Christian come in two varieties: Those who are too nice so no one takes them seriously and those who are too judgemental. Be comfortable throwing some God talk into your daily life so others will know that you’re a Christian, but it should be a side dish, not an entrée. The entrée should be A&M talk. Make sure that you talk about A&M like it’s a religion, but again, not too aggressively. Nobody likes the I’M TOO REDASS FOR MY OWN GOOD guy. Don’t go overly into 2%’ers, good bull, or the bevel, because you want people to recognize you as a positive person. Always talk about A&M in a vaguely inspirational way, sprinkling in the stock phrases about the Aggie Spirit and inclusivity. You don’t have to believe that A&M is inclusive, you just have to extoll that it is. This is a case of good ol’ Maroon Double Think™. You will need to get used to this: be humble, but pompous. Everyone needs to know how great you are and how humble you are about it. Be outgoing, but not too outgoing. Be inclusive, but make sure to exclude people, so you can be the one that is shining.

What is “The Machine?” “The Machine” is a political establishment at Texas A&M that has influenced student government elections for over at decade. The Mugdown brought ”The Machine” to light in 2014 and we have used it to put together this guide to help you combat “The Machine”— or join them. Read the more at:

www.mugdown.com/machine Your favorite tradition is Muster or Silver Taps— this is non-negotiable. Flip a coin if you can’t choose. Now that you’re on campus, start meeting people! Everyone is a try-hard the first few weeks so you can get away with being extra aggressive. You should aim to meet a minimum of 10 people per day. If you are in a dorm, double that and try to get out of your dorm. You need to be meeting people from all areas of campus. Become involved! You can see which

organizations are valuable and which are not. Make sure you get into a top tier FLO. You need to be in a top tier FLO, and well-liked by the staff of that FLO. Second semester parlay your top tier FLO into a good-hearted organization with some prestige and SGA members. Some examples include: Muster Host, Big Event Staff, BUILD, Tell Your Story Host. This type of organization will give you the connections you need to get into your next organization. If you are a girl, join a top tier woman’s organization. And then join every other good organization. You’re going to need it. We may have a woman SBP right now, but don’t think this is normal. If you want to be SBP you need to work your ass off. You can’t coast by on your good hair like the men can. If you are a guy you need to go to at least three date parties your first semester. It will be easy to get invited, just befriend some girls by being outgoing and not creepy/looking to date every girl you come in contact with. The first date party should be with a girl you were friends with in high school. This way you’ll already know your date and you won’t be too nervous. This is a safe one. If you don’t have many high school friends at A&M, I hope fish camp went really well. The second date party should be with a girl you befriended in the first two weeks of school. This is a little higher stakes. If you messed up the first party by being drunk, didn’t dance, or hitting on a girl you weren’t supposed to, then this party needs to be at a different sorority. The third date party you go to should be a formal or semiformal. This one needs to be with one of the first two sororities. . . Gotta build that base. At some point in the first month of school you need to get a stellar profile picture. This will help when it comes time to apply to organizations and you get facebook stalked. You need to upgrade from that prom picture into a fun college memory. The picture needs to be somewhat unplanned (i.e. no photoshoots), but you still need to look perfect. One of you with, for example, one other person at a football game is always a good bet. This picture also needs to have a TON of likes. Gilbert Leadership Conference or bust. If you don’t make Gilbert, your chances are significantly diminished. Don’t screw it up, kid. Make sure you find a mentor early. The mentor should be at least a junior and of the same gender (don’t want anything too scandalous for your Christian base). They should live in a cute house in the historic district and be involved in at least two influential organizations. Meet up with them for a

coffee date or some other “intentional” experience, afterwards you should describe the person using Christian terms like, how you “grow well” with them or that you “have a full heart.” After you click with them, click with their roommates. Work your way out through their social circles. These shouldn’t be your main friends, but they need to think that you’re cool enough to be groomed. You need someone one class year above you that will hook you up with an SBP cabinet position your junior year. Establish your inner circle. Make friends in your FLO or first prestige organization that will be your support system. Make sure that you are the center of this group . . . make sure you’re the center of every group. With your inner circle make sure that they branch out into other organizations and become the key figures there. That way you can have powerful pools of support to draw upon. Make sure your inner circle is inviting but exclusive at the same time. Enforce this by taking a fun and adventurous trip over Christmas break. Make sure your social media reflects how close you guys are. Remember to always be yourself, unless you are not naturally an extremely image conscious attentionseeker. Then be a different version of yourself that is. . . . Good Luck!

Top: Pope Francis demonstrates poor mastery of the Gig ‘Em technique. Above: Chuck Noris executes a Gig ‘Em worthy of a SBP candidate’s campaign photo.

www.mugdown.com August 2016 The Mugdown

INTRODUCING...

! s e i g g u M lil’

MUGDOWN JR™ J N W O D G MU

HEY KIDS! Tired of all that boring satire? Yuck! At Lil’ Muggies, all we care about is having fun! You’ll find all of the entertainment of The Mugdown, with none of the dialogue!

Help Lil’ Muggie avoid campus construction and get to his bus on time! 14 The Mugdown August 2016 www.mugdown.com

Can you find the 6 differences in these two Fightin’ Texas Aggie Cadets?

ANSWER: We can’t tell the difference in Corps guys either.

Strap on your New Balances, as Lil’ Muggies brings you the zaniest cartoons, the trickiest puzzles, and the entertainment for the lowest common denominator! Don’t pretend like you ever read the newspaper for anything but the comics!

CAMPUS VOICES

Aggie Football event “Chalk Talk For Women” Faces Backlash “Chalk Talk For Women,” an event meant to get Aggie women excited for the next football season, stirred up controversy due to jokes containing sexually-suggestive phrases and harmful sexist stereotypes in some of the presentations. Let’s see what our students have to say about it: “The coaching staff is just trying to get our football program into the mindset we had when we last won a national championship . . . in 1938.” Homer Brady

junior comparative gardening major

“This social media firestorm is a perfect chance to introduce the incoming freshman to two things that are very typical at A&M: sexism and embarrassing events that make national news.” Mitchell Peters

senior ethnoconstruction science major

“Why haven’t we been focusing on how poorly these jokes were constructed?”

Dan Millerson

junior twittology major

“Great, now all the women will think that I’m a sexist jerk, because I played quarterback in high school. I hate it when people unfairly stereotype football players like me!” Robert Sullivan

freshman asteroid engineering major

“Those women were asking for it by hanging out at the football facilities, everyone knows coaches don’t know what’s appropriate or not. They went, they laughed, then they regretted it the next day and cried to social media. C’mon coaches will be coaches.” Cutter Keith sophomore bowling technology major

Visit our website daily to stay up-to-date on all things Texas A&M:

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A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS Texas Grand Slam is coming back to A&M’s campus this fall, bringing 42 hungry poets to compete for the TGS Championship, a Texas-sized belt buckle and a grand prize of $1,200. For any questions, comments, or support find us on our website, texasgrandslam.com or on all of our social media accounts (@TexasGrandSlam). I hope to see you at this year’s competition! Jordan Cooley President of Mic Check Poetry Director of Texas Grand Slam 2016