By Jeremy Desmon
Arrangements and Orchestrations by Jesse Vargas
Additional Arrangements and Orchestrations by Spencer Crosswell Originally Directed by Paul Stancato
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Originally Produced by Timber Lake Playhouse, Mt. Carroll, IL. Dan Danielowski - Executive Director, Paul Stancato - Artistic Director
Further Developed and Produced by Titusville Playhouse, Titusville, FL. Steven J. Heron - Executive and Artistic Director
Developed by Lively McCabe Entertainment in association with BMG and Primary Wave Music © 2025 Lively McCabe Entertainment, BMG, and Primary Wave Music
(Last Revised—February 2026)
C ast of C hara C ters (3m, 3f—plus ensemble)
LUCY (female, 20s / 30s)—Idealistic. Plucky. Loyal. An aspiring artist, Lucy came to New York in search of her place in the world. She believes in the inherent goodness of people; her optimism in the human spirit is infectious. It also gets her in trouble.
JACK (male, 20s / 30s)—Ambitious. Charismatic. Cynical. Great hair. With a chip on his shoulder, Jack is a high-powered advertising executive gunning for his next score. Smooth with the ladies and emotionally distant, he’s not the guy you’d peg to don a red velvet suit and pass out toys to girls and boys. Oops.
SANTA CLAUS (male)—At first glance, he’s the jolly, bearded gent of yore with a belly full of jelly. But he’s now at a turning point: after a century in the sleigh, he doesn’t quite have the passion for the grind he once did. Might it be time to pass the reins?
MRS. CLAUS (female)—The bespectacled, gray-haired matron of The North Pole, she’s always been satisfied as the “woman behind the Big Man.” When she’s forced to step up and save Christmas, she realizes she likes calling the shots! And she’s great at it.
RHUBARB (female, ageless)—Santa’s no-nonsense, upbeat Head Elf with an aggressively “cheerful” demeanor. Loves Christmas with a chipper, adorable intensity heretofore unknown in the mortal world.
TOPHER (male, 20s / 30s)—Unflinchingly kind and warmhearted. Almost “too nice,” Topher runs Kringlez Kidz, a children’s charity. If Santa were a socially awkward young professional in mid-century Manhattan, this jovial square is how you’d imagine him.
PLUS, AN AMAZING ENSEMBLE OF MULTI-TALENTED PERFORMERS
The ensemble plays a number of roles, including various children, diner denizens, salespeople, a sparkle of elves (including Cinnamon, Juniper, Gingersnap, Glitterpants, Becky, and others), Arthur, Hildy, Chester, Operator, bar patrons, Mrs. Callaway, Businessman, Kringlez Kidz Dancers, partygoers, security guards, and others.
3A.
M usi C al N u M bers
ACT I
SCENE 1—CHRISTMAS EVE
It’s Christmas Eve in Mid-Century America.
Decorations fill the stage, i.e., trees, wreaths, garland. A FIREPLACE features prominently.
SFX / MUSIC: Tick-tocks. Sleigh Bells. Clip-clops.
SANTA (O.S.)
(in the distance, echo-y)
Ho-Ho-Ho… Merry Christmas!
CHILDREN are in bed awaiting you-know-who. Lights hit CHILD #1—who bolts awake with anticipation!
CHILD #1
(in a superhero cape)
I HAD A DREAM SO BIG AND LOUD
I JUMPED SO HIGH, I TOUCHED THE CLOUDS
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH—
ALL THE CHILDREN
WHOA, OH, OH , OH, OH, OH—
Lights hit CHILD #2.
(with a stuffed monster)
CHILD #2
I STRETCHED MY HANDS OUT TO THE SKY AND DANCED WITH MONSTERS THROUGH THE NIGHT
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH—
ALL THE CHILDREN
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
CHILD #1 & CHILD #2
I’M NEVER GONNA LOOK BACK, WHOA (THEY yawn)
I’M NEVER GONNA GIVE IT UP, WHOA (more yawns, music starts to slow down)
#1—Best Day of My Life
Ensemble (Children / Parents), Santa
(CHILD #1 & CHILD #2)
PLEASE DON’T WAKE ME NOW…
They’ve slipped back UNDER THE COVERS. Then, in the distance: SANTA
Ho! Ho! Ho!
The children leap up, excited!
OOH, OOH, OOH
ALL THE CHILDREN
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE!
OOH, OOH, OOH
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE!
The kids’ parents enter.
PARENT COUPLE #1
THEY HOWL AT THE MOON WITH FRIENDS BEFORE THE SUN COMES CRASHING IN!
ALL THE CHILDREN (& FEMALE ENSEMBLE)
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
PARENT COUPLE #2
AND ALL THE POSSIBILITIES NO LIMITS—JUST EPIPHANIES!
ALL THE CHILDREN (& FEMALE ENSEMBLE)
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
WHOA, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
CHILDREN GROUP #1
I’M NEVER GONNA LOOK BACK, NO!
CHILDREN GROUP #2
I’M NEVER GONNA GIVE IT UP, NO
PARENTS
NO! NO! NO! NO!
Echo-y, in the distance, we hear:
Ho-Ho-Ho… Merry Christmas!
ALL THE CHILDREN
IT’S GONNA BE THE BEST DAY! (GONNA BE THE BEST DAY!)
SANTA (O.S.)
PARENTS AH…
CHILDREN & PARENTS CHRISTMAS DAY!
A big chorus!
ALL THE CHILDREN
OOH, OOH, OOH
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY
LIFE… MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE OOH, OOH, OOH
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY
LIFE… MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE
PARENTS
OOH… AHH… OOH… AHH…
SLEIGH BELLS return. The KIDS run to their “windows.”
CHILDREN & PARENTS
I HEAR IT CALLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW
ALL CHILDREN
I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL!
CHILDREN & PARENTS
I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL! THE STARS ARE BURNING SO BRIGHT THE SUN WAS OUT ’TIL MIDNIGHT—
I SAY WE LOSE CONTROL!
Music continues. In succession we hear: a CLATTER as SANTA lands on the roof! The SQUEEZING of a man going down a chimney! A THUD—as SANTA lands in the fireplace!
SANTA
Ho-Ho-Hoooooooohhhhh, my back, my back, my back. (then)
Man, chimneys have definitely shrunk. (patting his belly)
That’s the ONLY explanation I’ll accept.
(SANTA)
(sings, trying to be cheerful)
HO, HO, HO, HO, HO…
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…
SANTA unrolls a GIANT SCROLL. He reads.
Now, where are we? Japan? Peru? Ahhhh, [Joke on Local City Name]…
(looking in bag, talking to himself)
OK, Vivien, what did Santa bring you? A… hula hoop!
(looking in bag, pulling out gift, mocking surprise)
And for Frankie… whaaaat? Another hula hoop?! I hit the jackpot inventing this puppy…
SANTA spots Milk and Cookies.
Look at that! Milk and Cookies!
(mock excitement)
So original, yay… !
(cheerful)
Dear Santa: For Christmas, I’d like at least one salad. Signed, Santa. (eating cookies, mouth full)
Onward!
As Santa “walks” to the next house, he tells himself a bad joke.
“Hey, Santa!” “Yes, Santa?” “What do you call a poor Santa Claus?” “I don’t know, what do you call a poor Santa Claus.”
(answering)
“St. Nickel-less… Get it?”
Rimshot. He’s “at” the next house.
Ahh, more gifts, let’s see…
(quickly, pulling wrapped gifts out of the bag)
Janet: hula hoop! David: hula hoop! And Stephanie gets… a Magic Eight Ball. (pulls out final gift)
Just kidding: a hula hoop!
Again, DRAMATIC MUSIC. A spot hits Milk and Cookies.
More Milk and Cookies…
(SANTA)
HE looks around to see if anyone is watching—and then just DUMPS the cookies in his sack.
(“pretending” rather poorly that he ate them)
Nom, nom, nom, yum, yum…
Suddenly, SANTA realizes he has to sneeze.
Uh-oh. A sneeze!
(trying to hold it back)
Ah— Ah— Ah— AH-CHOO!
The CHILDREN all BOLT AWAKE. Will Santa get out?
(uh-oh; to himself, scurrying out)
Oh, fudgesicles.
The CHILDREN burst to their feet and sing—Santa has escaped!
ALL THE CHILDREN
OOH, OOH, OOH
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE…
MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE
OOH, OOH, OOH
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE… OF MY LIFE!
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
SOPRANO / ALTO PARENTS
OOH… OOH… AHH…
LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE
OOH, OOH, OOH LIFE! OF MY LIFE!
TENOR / BASS PARENTS
OOH… AHH…
LI-I-I-I-I-I-FE
OOH, OOH, OOH LIFE… OF MY LIFE!
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR— ALL LIFE!
SCENE 2—SUGAR PLUM DINER (NYC), CHRISTMAS MORNING, 4AM
Christmas morning. Just before 4AM. Manhattan’s “Sugar Plum Diner.”
It’s very 1958. Scattered folks fill booths. LUCY, a plucky young waitress is the only one working. A diner shuffles out as lights rise.
#1A—Sugar Plum Diner
LUCY
It’s almost 4am—hurry home and see what Santa left under the tree! (clearing the table)
And thanks for the generous…
(counting it, disappointed) three-cent tip…
Passing the counter, she stops at a PURPLE CANISTER. (It’s a “Kringlez Kidz” Charity Canister.)
Ah, well…
(putting pennies in canister, one-by-one)
Every. Bit. Helps. Go forth, little pennies, and help a really cute kid in need.
(realizing how awful that is; to the canister)
Or, a not-so-cute kid in need! That’s nice—he needs all the help he can get.
The door jingles and SANTA enters.
Here’s the thing: Santa wears “street clothes” and is completely UNRECOGNIZABLE as Ol’ St. Nick. (Of course, the audience knows it’s the same gent from the opening.) HE’s a bit zonked, but still cheerful.
Welcome to New York’s Sugar Plum Diner! Merry Christmas— (looks up, she has NO IDEA he’s Santa)
Whoa, pal, you look exhausted!
(catching herself)
Sorry…
SANTA (IN DISGUISE) (smiles)
It’s OK. I’ve had a loooong night.
LUCY
(cheerfully)
You think you had a long night? Think of Santa! Did you know he flies with the Earth’s rotation, so his night is over twenty-four hours long?
SANTA (IN DISGUISE)
I’ve heard that, yes.
I’m a bit of a Christmas Junkie.
LUCY
SANTA Me, too.
LUCY
I know what’ll perk you up. Some of our homemade chocolate chip cookies!
Santa WINCES at the thought.
SANTA
NO—ho, ho, ho! I’m… cookie-d out. But coffee would be swell.
LUCY
Cup o’ joe, it is. With milk?
SANTA
No more milk! Please! No cookies! Thank you!
(laughs)
Sorry, I’ve had a… Santa-length night.
LUCY empathizes with the stranger.
Ohhhh, I get it.
(gathering a head of steam)
LUCY
I mean, tomorrow’s Christmas and I’ve had tables full of Scrooges all night. Do you have any idea what it’s like to GIVE and GIVE and GIVE and all anyone does is ask you for MORE?!
SANTA
I most certainly do.
They vent a bit.
LUCY
“Gimme this!” “Gimme that!” It’s a constant list of demands!
SANTA
I literally get LISTS of demands—in the mail
LUCY
No…
SANTA
And just ’cuz it’s in crayon doesn’t make it cute.
LUCY
They want everything… and they want it NOW! As if I’m magic!
SANTA
Right?! And even if you were magic, there are still limits! Chimneys are incredibly inefficient.
LUCY
(still venting, somehow missing the chimney thing)
And the worst part? You can’t even complain
SANTA (agreeing)
Zip that lip!
Gotta stay cheerful…
LUCY
SANTA
With me, it’s “jolly!” Always “jolly!” Which I think is just code for chubby.
LUCY
And do they ever say “thank you?”
Never!
Not once!
SANTA
LUCY
SANTA
Sure, they leave you snacks… but, to be honest, that feels less like a “thank you” and more like a straight-up bribe.
Lucy shakes it off.
LUCY
I’m so sorry to unload on you—where’s my Christmas Spirit? (pouring coffee)
Here you go. One coffee, black as a lump of coal in a naughty kid’s stocking.
SANTA
Thank you… (reading her name tag)
“Lucy.” I’m Nick.
LUCY (conspiratorially)
So, Nick. They got you working Christmas Eve, too, huh?
SANTA smiles.
SANTA
Y’know… I do end up working EVERY Christmas Eve.
LUCY
Every year?
Every single year.
SANTA
LUCY
Well, that’s not fair! Sounds like you should quit that job!
Santa LAUGHS at the thought, dismissing it.
Hey, if it no longer lights that fire in ya…
Santa gets quiet for a moment.
Oh, I didn’t mean to bring you down, Nick.
SANTA
Y’know, when I was young, me and the missus lived down the block from here. We loved to dance. Must’ve been a hundred years ago…
LUCY
What’s on your mind, Nick?
(trying to erase the thought)
SANTA
Nothing! Hey, I’ve got THE greatest job in the world, THE greatest wife by my side, a whole family of trusty elv— (catching himself) friends… with pointy shoes. And heck, I get to wear red velvet pajamas to the office! It’s silly for me to even consider.
LUCY
But… ?
How do you know if it’s time to change things up?
LUCY
Growing up in Sandusky—Ohio—my mom had an expression. She’d say, “Lulu, the best time to plant an oak tree was fifty years ago. The second best time… is now.”
GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN AND WHEN THE RAIN WOULD FALL DOWN I’D JUST STARE OUT MY WINDOW DREAMIN’ OF WHAT COULD BE AND IF I’D END UP HAPPY I WOULD PRAY…
TRYING HARD TO REACH OUT BUT WHEN I TRIED TO SPEAK OUT FELT LIKE NO ONE COULD HEAR ME WANTED TO BELONG HERE BUT SOMETHING FELT SO WRONG HERE SO I’D PRAY… I COULD BREAK AWAY!
I’d say to myself…
SANTA
#2—Breakaway
Lucy, Santa, Ensemble (Diners)
(LUCY)
I’LL SPREAD MY WINGS AND I’LL LEARN HOW TO FLY I’LL DO WHAT IT TAKES TILL I TOUCH THE SKY AND I’LL MAKE A WISH, TAKE A CHANCE, MAKE A CHANGE… AND BREAK AWAY! BREAK AWAY! (as music continues)
I always wanted to be an artist. But back home, all I could be was a wife. So, I packed my sketchbook and hopped a Greyhound to New York.
She pulls out her sketchbook and FLIPS through pages—as she does DOZENS OF LETTERS fall from the pages.
SANTA
What are those?
LUCY
Rejection letters from forty-three galleries.
SANTA (flipping through the book) But these drawings are fantastic!
LUCY
Thanks. This sketchbook holds my dreams. What do you dream about? Nick thinks about it.
SANTA
I WANT TO FEEL THE WARM BREEZE SLEEP UNDER A PALM TREE FEEL THE RUSH OF THE OCEAN!
LUCY
GET ON BOARD A FAST TRAIN?
SANTA
TRAVEL ON A JET PLANE
LUCY & SANTA FAR AWAY… BREAK AWAY…
LUCY
Say it with me!
LUCY & SANTA
I’LL SPREAD MY WINGS AND I’LL LEARN HOW TO FLY—
MUSIC pulls back—
SANTA
Wait, wait, wait! I already know how to fly. I have a sleigh.
LUCY Pardon?
SANTA
(moving on)
Nothing. It’s just—I can’t quit. People rely on me.
Lucy doubles down (as diners “OOH” in the background).
LUCY OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE SUN BUT YOU WON’T FORGET THE PLACE YOU COME FROM
YOU CAN TAKE A RISK! TAKE A CHANCE! MAKE A CHANGE! BREAK AWAY!
BUILDINGS WITH A HUNDRED FLOORS SWINGING ‘ROUND REVOLVING DOORS MAYBE I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY’LL TAKE ME BUT GOTTA KEEP MOVIN’ ON MOVIN’ ON FLY AWAY
SANTA
(feeling the spirit, gaining confidence) BREAK AWAY…
DINERS
OOH
OOH
OOH
TAKE A RISK, TAKE A CHANCE, MAKE A CHANGE BREAK AWAY!
CAN’T BREAK FREE OH DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY’LL TAKE ME CAN’T BREAK FREE GOTTA KEEP MOVIN’ MOVIN’ ON
That’s it, Nick!
BREAK AWAY…
Plant that oak tree!
BREAK AWAY!!!
BREAK AWAY!
LUCY
LUCY
YOU’LL SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND LEARN HOW TO FLY
‘TIL YOU TOUCH THE SKY
MAKE A WISH TAKE A CHANCE MAKE A CHANGE AND BREAK AWAY OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE SUN BUT YOU WON’T FORGET ALL THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE
SO TAKE A RISK TAKE A CHANCE MAKE A CHANGE
LUCY
SANTA
LUCY
SANTA
DINERS
TAKE A RISK, TAKE A CHANCE MAKE A CHANGE!
SANTA
I’LL SPREAD MY WINGS AND I’LL LEARN HOW TO FLY
I’LL DO WHAT IT TAKES ‘TIL I TOUCH THE SKY
I’LL MAKE A WISH TAKE A CHANCE MAKE A CHANGE AND BREAK AWAY OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE SUN BUT I WON’T FORGET ALL THE ONES THAT I LOVE
SO TAKE A RISK
TAKE A CHANCE
MAKE A CHANGE
Santa breaks from his reverie, and realizes this is CRAZY.
OOH
OOH
DINERS
LEARN HOW TO FLY
OOH AH AH
AH MAKE A CHANGE YOU’VE GOT TO BREAK AWAY
OOH OOH INTO THE SUN
OOH AHH
TAKE A RISK, TAKE A CHANCE
MAKE A CHANGE
SANTA
MAKE A WISH, TAKE A CHANCE… MAKE A CHANGE… (to himself)
What am I saying?
Santa digs into his pocket to pay.
Nick?
LUCY
SANTA
Thanks for the coffee, Lucy. And good luck with those drawings. Santa leaves MONEY on the counter and exits.
LUCY (calling after him)
No, no! This is way too much money! (then)
Thank you, Nick. You’re a saint.
LUCY
GO SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND LEARN HOW TO FLY DO WHAT IT TAKES ‘TIL YOU TOUCH THE SKY SO MAKE A WISH TAKE A CHANCE MAKE A CHANGE AND BREAK AWAY!
DINERS
AH
AH MAKE… A… CHANGE
On the button, Lucy puts Santa’s money into the Purple Charity Canister.
SCENE
3—THE NORTH POLE (LATER THAT DAY)
The North Pole.
A CHRISTMAS TREE stands beside a long table. ELVES fill the table with a Huge Feast (stuffing, casseroles, pies, etc.). RHUBARB, the cheerful-but-tightly-wound Head Elf, supervises.
ALL
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY HOP MISTLETOE HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE EV’RY COUPLE TRIES TO STOP
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE LET THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT RING LATER WE’LL HAVE SOME PUMPKIN PIE AND WE’LL DO SOME CAROLING
Mrs. Claus enters, carrying a huge ROAST TURKEY.
MRS. CLAUS
YOU WILL GET A SENTIMENTAL FEELING WHEN YOU HEAR…
RHUBARB
Sing it, Mrs. C!
MRS. CLAUS
VOICES SINGING “LET’S BE JOLLY!!!”
ELVES AHH…
ALL
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYONE DANCIN’ MERRILY IN THE NEW OLD-FASHIONED WAY!
MUSIC continues. Mrs. Claus surveys the feast.
RHUBARB
Scrump-diddly-umptious! Santa’s Welcome Home Feast smells Twinkle-Tastic!
#3—Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree Mrs. Claus, Rhubarb, Ensemble (Elves)
MRS. CLAUS
Nick’s sleigh should land any moment…
RHUBARB
… and we’re ready, Mrs. C! Elves, roll call!
The ELVES scurry as Rhubarb calls “roll.” They take position and hold up their items.
Cinnamon!
Left fuzzy slipper!
Sugarplum!
Right fuzzy slipper!
Juniper!
Bathrobe!
Gingersnap!
Lavender calming spritz!
Becky!
No answer.
… Becky!
(caught off guard)
CINNAMON
RHUBARB
SUGARPLUM
RHUBARB
JUNIPER
RHUBARB
GINGERSNAP
RHUBARB
BECKY
Present! Oh, right. I brought a third slipper.
RHUBARB
CORNCOB PIPE, BECKY! Six rehearsals… Are you kidding me?!?!
MRS. CLAUS calms down RHUBARB.
MRS. CLAUS
Rhubarb, this is all so thoughtful. Nick will love it.
(music slips back in)
MRS. CLAUS
HE WILL GET A SENTIMENTAL FEELING WHEN HE HEARS…
MRS. CLAUS & RHUBARB VOICES SINGING “LET’S BE JOLLY!” ELVES
WHAT’D YA HEAR?
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY
EV’RYONE DANCIN’ MERRILY IN THE NEW… OLD-… FASHIONED… WAY!
The song BUTTONS. As applause fades, we hear CLIP-CLOPS and JINGLEJANGLES—it’s Santa’s sleigh!
RHUBARB
Holly Jolly Big Man approaching! Elves, to your battle stations!
The elves grab their slippers, robes, etc. They line up as SANTA enters.
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY HOP!
Santa’s in a TERRIBLE MOOD. Mrs. Claus notices first.
ELVES
MISTLETOE HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE EV’RY COUPLE TRIES TO STOP
(noticing Santa, elves stop singing, one-by-one)
ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE LET THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT RING…
MUSIC OUT. (Becky still BELTS to the rafters, oblivious!)
#3A—Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (Reprise) Mrs. Claus, Ensemble (Elves)
BECKY
LATER WE’LL HAVE SOME PUMPKIN PIE, AND WE’LL—!
RHUBARB
Read the room, Becky!
Becky stops singing. Mrs. Claus goes to comfort Santa.
MRS. CLAUS
Nick, are you OK?
SANTA
(unconvincingly putting on a brave face)
Of course, my love! Another Twinkle-Tastic Christmas!
(thanking the Elves, one-by-one)
Thank you all! Rhubarb. Cinnamon. Sugarplum. Juniper. Gingersnap. Freezerburn. Bubblewrap. Glitterpants. Sparklemittens.
(with a little less cheer) Becky.
MRS. CLAUS
We’ve been married ninety-eight years, Kringle. I know when you’re lying.
Santa gives in.
SANTA
It’s just— have you noticed I haven’t exactly been… inspired lately? Toy-wise?
MRS. CLAUS
You mean the hula-hoop thing?
The elves echo her sentiments.
(ad lib)
ELVES
So many hula hoops! / Hula hula hula! / Hoop-de-hoop! / What’s up with that?
SANTA
(agreeing, to all)
Right?! I used to be so good! Remember Tinkertoys?
(fond memories from the elves for each toy)
Teddy Bears?! Yo-yos, am I right?!
(the Elves go crazy!)
Do you think I lost it?
(SANTA)
RHUBARB
What’d you lose, Santa? Elves, get searchin’!
SANTA
No, no, Rhubarb. It’s just recently, instead of dreaming up new ways to make kids smile, I dream about… learning an instrument… or becoming a chef… or doing close-up magic!
(pulls out HANDFULS of crumpled scraps)
I started jotting stuff down on scraps of paper…
(pulls out TONS more)
And I just kept jotting and jotting…
He pulls out EVEN MORE crumpled scraps (that Rhubarb collects).
MRS. CLAUS
Remember what the previous Santa and Mrs. Claus told us when we were chosen?
SANTA
They said, someday, we’d pass on the velvet suit just like they did. Just as it was passed to them.
MRS. CLAUS
And when the time came, we’d know.
(a tough question)
Do you miss it? The “real world”?
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
Maybe? I mean, I haven’t left the Pole since 1874… now they have skyscrapers and ice cream trucks and women’s power suits with pants! I’m game if you are.
They share a look. The two AGREE.
SANTA
Elves, the time’s come to hang up the ol’ boots.
RHUBARB
Where should we hang ’em, Santa? Cinnamon, go get his boots.
No, no, Rhubarb… What I’m saying is:
(taking Mrs. Claus’ hand)
I’m going to retire.
The ELVES protest.
SANTA
ELVES (AD LIB)
“What do you mean?” / “You can’t retire!” / “No!” / “But we need you!” / “Santa!”
BECKY
(as always, a step behind)
What an exciting life change!
Mrs. Claus turns to Rhubarb.
You know what to do.
MRS. CLAUS
Rhubarb picks a dusty ANCIENT BOX off a side table.
RHUBARB
(trying to put up a brave face)
Santa. Mrs. Claus. Serving you has been the greatest joy of my life.
Ceremoniously, the Clauses each pull out ANTIQUE KEYS from chains around their necks and place them in the keyholes.
SANTA & MRS. CLAUS
Three. Two. One.
They solemnly turn their keys and dissonant, tinkly music plays.
Mrs. Claus pulls out weathered SLEIGH BELLS.
MRS. CLAUS
(with reverence)
The Bells of SinterKlaas. Selecting Father Christmases since the beginning…
#3B—The Bells of SinterKlaas
Santa, Mrs. Claus, Ensemble (Elves)
SANTA & MRS. CLAUS (slowly/dissonant/ mystical)
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
ELVES GROUP 1 (an echo)
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
ELVES GROUP 2 (overlapping, dissonant, adding to the cacophony)
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY
ALL
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE I SEE?!
ELVES GROUP 3 (overlapping, dissonant)
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS WE—
Magically, the lights stop swirling—a pinspot hits a MAN’S FACE frozen in time. (We will soon learn his name is Jack.)
SANTA
We have our next Santa Claus.
He’s young.
Just like I was.
He’s in New York City.
Just like I was.
He’s skinny. A beat.
Some of us are just big boned, OK?
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
Relax, Nick, you’ve earned it. Dig into those paper scraps and find yourself again.
(MRS. CLAUS)
(“looking at” the new Santa)
We’ll see him in the New Year. I’m sure he has a selfless, giving, generous heart. The Bells are wise…
We SEGUE DIRECTLY to:
SCENE
4—NEW YORK CITY
A burst of music as the pinspot on the man’s face EXPANDS.
#4—What I Like About You
The man is JACK, mid-30s and suave, in a tailored suit.
Jack, Ensemble
Jack walks into BLOOMINGDALES where ARTHUR, his elegant personal shopper, stands at attention.
ARTHUR (JACK’S PERSONAL SHOPPER)
(as the bass line hits)
Jack.
Arthur.
JACK
A salesgirl enters with silk sheets. A large price tag reads $50.
ARTHUR
For you, today: Silk bed-sheets for the discerning bachelor.
JACK
(feeling the sheets) Anything… nicer?
Certainly, Jack.
ARTHUR
(a second salesgirl enters with sheets) Though, they are a bit more expensive…
This price tag reads $250. Jack is instantly taken with them—turns out, Jack is quite a materialistic guy!
He sings a swingin’ love song directly to the sheets!
JACK
(“you” is the sheet) WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU YOU KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT (wrapping the sheets around his body) NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL ALRIGHT!
ARTHUR
There is, of course, one more option.
A third salesgirl enters—these sheets are $1,000. Jack DROPS the old, lame ones and falls instantly for the new ones.
JACK
(holding the new sheets to his ear)
KEEP ON WHISPERING IN MY EAR
TELL ME ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANNA HEAR ’CAUSE IT’S TRUE
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU
JACK & ENSEMBLE
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE!
An army of salespeople enter as the music picks up intensity. Two wheel out HI-FI STEREO/RECORD PLAYERS carts. The first spins and we see the price: $1,500. The second spins: $10,000.
Guess which one Jack reaches for!
JACK
(“you” is the $10,000 stereo; obsessing) WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU
YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO DANCE!
WHEN YOU GO UP, DOWN, ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND I THINK ABOUT TRUE ROMANCE!
ENSEMBLE
(echo, background)
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
OOH WAH BOP! BY-A-BA DA-BA!
UP, DOWN, ‘ROUND AND ’ROUND
ENSEMBLE
IT’S WHAT I LIKE, IT’S WHAT I LIKE, IT’S WHAT I—
A spotlight hits a salesgirl with trendy SUNGLASSES on a “ringbearer” pillow. Jack takes them.
JACK (to the sunglasses, as he puts them on)
KEEP ON WHISPERING IN MY EAR
TELL ME ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANNA HEAR ’CAUSE IT’S TRUE!
ENSEMBLE
YES, IT’S TRUE!
JACK (to the sunglasses)
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
ENSEMBLE
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
JACK (to the stereo)
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
ENSEMBLE
(stacking)
YOU… YOU… YOU… YOU… YOU!
Dance break! Salespeople dote on Jack. He is in his element.
Then, suddenly Arthur dangles a set of CAR KEYS… just as HEADLIGHTS blast on from offstage. We hear a SPORTS CAR VROOM! Jack is in awe.
JACK (singing to the car’s headlights)
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
YOU REALLY HOLD ME TIGHT
ENSEMBLE (as an echo)
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU! HOLD ME TI-I-IGHT!
ALL
TELL ME I’M THE ONLY ONE WANNA COME…
JACK … OVER TONIGHT?!
The car VROOMS again! Jack is over-the-moon!
ENSEMBLE
OOH WAH BOP! BY-A-BA DA-BA!
JACK (over “oohs”)
KEEP ON WHISPERING IN MY EAR
ENSEMBLE OOH…
TELL ME ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANNA HEAR!
JACK
‘CAUSE IT’S TRUE!
YES, IT’S TRUE!
ENSEMBLE
Jack grabs the silk sheets and sings to them.
JACK THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
ENSEMBLE
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
Jack sings to the Hi-Fi stereo.
JACK
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
ENSEMBLE
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
Jack sings to ALL of it!
JACK
THAT’S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
JACK & ENSEMBLE THAT’S WHAT I LIKE!
JACK … ABOUT YOU!
ENSEMBLE WHAT I LIKE ABOUT!
JACK & ENSEMBLE WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
Direct Segue…
SCENE 4A—NYC, JACK’S OFFICE (PERKINS & PERKINS ADVERTISING)
Jack enters the OFFICE, exhausted, in sunglasses and suit. Phones ring as HILDY, his no-nonsense secretary, answers them.
As she does, she hands Jack his morning COFFEE.
HILDY
(dryly answering the phone)
Perkins & Perkins Advertising, Jack Chase’s office. Please hold.
(puts on hold; answers another call)
Perkins & Perkins Advertising, Jack Chase’s office. Please hold.
JACK
Morning, sunshine. Any word from…
Jack slyly points his fingers UPWARDS.
HILDY
He said “this year.”
It’s January 3rd, 1959.
I’m aware.
JACK
HILDY
JACK
So, it’s finally “this year.” He said “this year.”
HILDY
If I hear from…
(she repeats the sly, upward FINGER-POINT)
… Mr. Perkins that he’s finally picked a date to step down… and he’s chosen YOU to replace him over his idiotic son, I’ll send a memo.
Jack won’t be discouraged and heads to his inner office.
JACK (upward FINGER-POINT)
The 29th Floor, Hildy. I can feel it! I’m all tingly.
HILDY
You should get that looked at.
Focus shifts as MRS. CLAUS and RHUBARB enter. Their odd, fur-lined North Pole ensembles are instantly out of place.
MRS. CLAUS
Look at this place… Faux marble! Real, live fake plants! Very modern.
RHUBARB
Where’s Santa? He promised he’d be here. I’ll reach out again.
(scribbles a note; reads aloud)
“Santa: Where are you? Love, Rhubarb.”
Rhubarb slips it in an ENVELOPE that says “Santa Claus, North Pole” and FLINGS it out the window, offstage—we hear magical chimes as they watch the letter “float to the sky.”
MRS. CLAUS
Face it, Rhubarb, Nick’s been so scatterbrained with those darn paper scraps of his… It’s time for the ladies to take care of business.
Rhubarb nods. They approach Hildy together.
RHUBARB
Greetings! We’re here to see the twinkle-tastic Jack Chase!
HILDY
(snidely)
Nice jacket.
RHUBARB
Thanks! Juniper whipped it up in the Workshop.
(no response)
Wait, are you doing that mean, human thing where what you say is the opposite of what you mean?
HILDY
Yes. Do you have an appointment?
My husband set one up.
(saying each name, deliberately)
MRS. CLAUS
Mrs. … Santa… Claus.
(checking for the name)
You’re not in the book.
(under her breath)
Nicholas!
How about me?
(saying her full name)
(MRS. CLAUS)
HILDY
MRS. CLAUS
RHUBARB
Rhubarb Jinglebell Peppermint Tinselbottom Butterscotch Jellyroll Sodapop Sprinkles.
No appointment—Hildy shuts the book.
HILDY
If you’re not in the book, you’re not in the book. Have a glorious day.
RHUBARB
Thank you, you too!
(then, realizing)
Wait, were you—
Yes. They are defeated. Then, Jack pops in.
Hildy?
(to Rhubarb, aside)
Quick, hide.
HILDY
JACK
MRS. CLAUS
Mrs. Claus and Rhubarb duck behind a fake plant.
HILDY
Mr. Chase?
JACK
Go down to the printers, would you? Pick up the K&P presentation?
HILDY
Back in a jiff.
Hildy exits and Mrs. Claus and Rhubarb make their move.
MRS. CLAUS
Now!
They follow Jack into his office. As they sit, he notices them.
JACK
Can I… help you?
MRS. CLAUS
The question is: how can we help you?
RHUBARB
You gettin’ goose pimple-y? Cuz, I’m all jingle-jangled!
Jack stares at them.
You should get that looked at.
(takes a sip of coffee)
JACK
So, these costumes… are you cats with Kringlez Kidz? The charity with the purple canisters? I keep bugging the guy who runs it for the ad campaign…
MRS. CLAUS
Even better.
OK…
JACK
MRS. CLAUS
Jack Wesley Chase of 5 East 63rd Street, Apartment 6A: we bring thrilling news.
JACK
OK….
Your destiny has arrived.
MRS. CLAUS
Something suddenly CLICKS with Jack. (Of course, it’s a bit of a misunderstanding… )
JACK
Oh my Lord…
He gets it.
Told you he would.
RHUBARB
MRS. CLAUS
JACK
I can’t believe it. Did you come down from… (slyly points UPWARD, as before)
…with a sweet, sweet offer from The Big Man?
Rhubarb misconstrues this with gusto!
RHUBARB
Lemon-berry swizzle-sticks we did! Straight from… (repeating the UPWARD point)
…the top-top-tippity-top! The Big Man himself wants you to take the reins!
MUSIC begins.
Why me?
JACK
MRS. CLAUS
The best person is always chosen for the job. (sings)
YOU’VE BEEN GRINDING SO LONG, BEEN TRYING THIS STUFF FOR YEARS AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO SHOW, JUST CLIMBING THIS ROPE RIGHT HERE (pointing upward, again) AND THERE’S THAT “MAN UPSTAIRS”
HE KEPT BRINGING YOU RAIN BUT YOU’VE BEEN SENDING UP PRAYERS
#5—Good To Be Alive (Hallelujah)
Mrs. Claus, Jack, Ensemble (Elves)
(MRS. CLAUS) AND SOMETHING’S CHANGED…
MRS. CLAUS
(over offstage “oohs”)
I THINK I FINALLY FOUND YOUR HALLELUJAH YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT ALL YOUR LIFE
NOW ALL YOUR DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE, YEAH!
OFFSTAGE VOICES (ELVES)
OOO… OOO…
A flurry of ELVES enter out of nowhere—Jack is shocked and delighted!
ELVES
YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!
MRS. CLAUS
FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW
MRS. CLAUS
YEAH!
DOESN’T IT FEEL GOOD? YEAH!
I’M SINGIN’ HALLELUJAH!
LET THAT BASS LINE MOVE YA SAY “YEAH!”
ELVES GROUP 1
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE
UH-HUH! GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE
HAL-LELU-JAH!
YEAH-EE-YEAH-EE-YEAH!
MRS. CLAUS
PRETTY GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
JACK
ELVES GROUP 2
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD! RIGHT ABOUT NOW UH-HUH!
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD, RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
HAL-LELU-JAH!
YEAH-EE-YEAH-EE-YEAH
(looking at this odd group of elves)
The outfits are strange, but I’m flattered he sent so many of you! I was worried I’d get passed over…
WAS I DEAD IN THE WATER, NOBODY WANTIN’ ME?
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES NUH-UH!
JACK
WAS I OLD NEWS, WAS I COLD AS COLD COULD BE?
NO, N-N-NO!
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES
JACK
BUT I KEPT THROWING ON COAL TRYNA MAKE THAT FIRE BURN!
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES
UH-HUH! (NUH-HUH!)
JACK SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA GET SCARS TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!
JACK
I KEPT MOVING ON AND NOW I’M MOVING UP MAN, I’M FEELING BLESSED—
I’M FEELING BLESSED
I’M FEELING BLESSED I’M FEELING BLESSED WITH ALL THIS LOVE
I THINK I FIN’LLY FOUND MY HALLELUJAH!
NOW ALL MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE, YEAH!
MRS. CLAUS YOU KEPT MOVING ON AND NOW YOU’RE MOVING UP
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES
YOU’RE FEELING BLESSED!
YOU’RE FEELING BLESSED WITH ALL THIS LOVE!
HOO HOO HALLELUJAH!
MRS. CLAUS WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT ALL YOUR LIFE
ELVES
HOO HOO
ELVES
COMIN’ TRUE! WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT
MRS. CLAUS & JACK FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
JACK YEAH! DOESN’T IT FEEL GOOD… ?!
YEAH!
I’M SINGIN’ HALLELUJAH
LET THAT BASS LINE MOVE YA
YEAH-EE-YEAH-EE YEAH! PRETTY GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
ELVES GROUP 1
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
MRS. CLAUS
HAL-LELU-JAH!
YEAH-EE-YEAH-EE YEAH! RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
JACK
I ALMOST CAN’T—CANNOT HANDLE IT
ELVES
HEY, HEY, HEY!
MRS. CLAUS
YOU COULD GET U—COULD GET USED TO THIS!
ELVES
HEY, HEY, HEY!
JACK
I ALMOST CAN’T—CANNOT HANDLE IT
ELVES
HEY, HEY, HEY!
MRS. CLAUS
YOU COULD GET U— ALL —COULD GET USED TO THIS!
JACK
‘CAUSE IT’S GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
OH YEAH!
IT’S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!
MRS. CLAUS
GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT NOW! GOOD, GOOD
ELVES GROUP 2
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE
ALL ELVES HALLELUJAH
LET THAT BASS LINE MOVE YA SAY “YEAH!”
ELVES GROUP 1
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD TO BE ALIVE UH-HUH! GOOD, GOOD
IT’S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!
ELVES GROUP 2
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD GOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW! UH-HUH! GOOD, GOOD IT’S GOOD TO BE ALIVE!
MRS. CLAUS
I THINK YOU FINALLY FOUND YOUR…
ELVES
HALLELUJAH!
HALLELUJAH!
MRS. CLAUS & ELVES
(loudly proclaiming, over music)
JACK
Formerly VP of Perkins Advertising… Jack Chase is movin’ up to the 29th Floor as the new President and Chairman of the Board!
Mrs. Claus hears this, but the Elves continue on, clueless!
ELVES
HALLELUJAH!
HALLELUJAH!
Music CUTS out as the entire North Pole Crew stops en masse. Except:
BECKY
GOOD TO BE ALIVE RIGHT ABOUT—
RHUBARB
Becky!
(laying it out for Jack)
MRS. CLAUS
We’re not from the 29th Floor, Mr. Chase. We’re from the North Pole.
JACK
Come again?
(pointing to herself)
MRS. CLAUS
White hair. Wire-rimmed glasses. I’m Mrs. Claus!
(he doesn’t get it)
Rhubarb’s an elf!
Shouldn’t an elf be, like, this big?
JACK
RHUBARB
(sick of this misconception)
One elf was very small! Once!
Jack SNAPS his fingers—he thinks he’s figured it out.
JACK
Dougie Perkins. The boss’s bratty little spawn stuffed in a suit—he hired you to mess with me. He knows I’ve earned that promotion, but he wants to make sure Daddy chooses him. Dougie’s trying to throw me off my game, which explains the holiday outfits: he knows I despise Christmas.
RHUBARB
(totally shocked)
Who despises Christmas? Think of all the MILK AND COOKIES!
JACK
I’m allergic to milk. Plus, I don’t eat sugar.
RHUBARB
(to Mrs. Claus)
I can’t with this guy.
(focusing on Jack)
MRS. CLAUS
We don’t know a “Dougie.” All we know is The Bells of SinterKlaas have chosen you as our next Santa. You are to report to the North Pole for training immediately.
Jack’s done. (Rhubarb wakes up.)
JACK
This was swell, but I have a 10AM. Please “jingle” yourselves out. And tell Dougie I won’t quit. His Dad’s gonna—how’d you put it?—“pass the reins” before year’s end. And it’s gonna be me.
MRS. CLAUS
When you change your mind, Mr. Chase… (hands him giant envelope: “Mrs. Claus/North Pole”)
Drop us a line.
SCENE 5—NORTH POLE/NYC MONTAGE (FEB-JUNE)
Cheerful holiday music plays. (NOTE: During scene, calendar pages fall… )
The North Pole [February]—Santa Lights hit SANTA on one corner of the stage. He’s chillaxing in a beach chair with cucumbers on his eyes.
Suddenly, the ELVES burst into song, jolting him from his spa day!
ELVES
(with exuberance)
TEN MONTHS ‘TIL CHRISTMAS STILL OODLES LEFT TO DO!
RHUBARB
NO TIME FOR NAPPING —
ELVES
SANTA, EV’RY KID IS COUNTING ON YOU!
SANTA
(putting the cucumbers back on his eyes) No can do. Daddy’s retired…
But we need Naughty/Nice Rulings ASAP!
SANTA
Retired!
SUGARPLUM
But Davey Watkins pulled his sister’s pigtails NINE TIMES and the department’s SPLIT on the decision!
CINNAMON & SUGARPLUM WHAT DO WE DO?!?!
SANTA
(sitting up, engaging for a moment)
Fine, I’ll tell you.
#6 —The Twelve Days of Christmas Rhubarb, Ensemble (Elves)
CINNAMON
(SANTA)
(music holds)
Ask the new guy.
Cheerful MUSIC resumes as Santa zens out. Crossfade to…
New York City [March]—Jack
JACK sits on a PARK BENCH. He’s about to take a bite of a sandwich when ELVES pop out, terrifying him.
ELVES
ONLY NINE MONTHS ‘TIL CHRISTMAS AND SOMEONE’S BEING COY!
ELF 1
QUIT PLAYING HOOKY
GET TO IT, ROOKIE
ELF 2
ELVES
YOU’RE A STUBBORN, JINGLE, JANGLE, NAUGHTY BOY!
BECKY
(in time with music)
THREE! TWO! ONE!
CONFETTI!
ELVES
They aggressively toss CONFETTI all over Jack and his lunch.
JACK
You threw confetti on my sandwich? What is wrong with you?
North Pole [April]—Santa
Back to Santa, who is obsessing over his SCRAPS of paper, i.e., his bucket list of things to do.
ELVES
BARELY EIGHT MONTHS ‘TIL CHRISTMAS IT’S GETTING CRAZY LATE!
ELF 1
SACK NEEDS A DUSTING
ELF 2
SLEIGH NEEDS DE-RUSTING
ELF 3
STABLES SMELL DISGUSTING
ELVES
SANTA, BUCKLE DOWN, START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT!
Music continues. Santa has ignored them, analyzing his paper scraps.
SANTA
Which first? Mountain climbing? Scuba diving? Running With The Bulls?
JUNIPER
Focus, Santa! Our mailbags are bursting with letters. The kids want new gifts that AREN’T hula hoops!
Santa’s not paying attention.
Thinking about the bulls thing…
(patting his belly)
… “running” ain’t my strong suit.
SANTA
GINGERSNAP
SANTA! Without a new you to design toys, we’re in super-deep doo-doo!
JUNIPER & GINGERSNAP
WHAT DO WE DO?
I’ll tell you.
Don’t say—
—ask the new guy.
SANTA
JUNIPER
SANTA & JUNIPER
New York City [May]—Jack
Back to Jack on his bench. Looking around, surreptitiously, he pulls out a sandwich. He’s about to take a bite… when ELVES pop out.
ELVES
HARDLY SEVEN MONTHS ‘TIL CHRISTMAS WE’RE GOBS AND GOBS BEHIND!
ELF 3
ELVES NEED RECRUITIN’
ROUTES NEED REROUTIN’
BOOTS NEED REBOOTIN’
SUIT NEEDS RE-SUITIN’
DON’T BE HIFALUTIN!
ELF 4
ELF 1
ELF 2
ELF 5
ELVES
TIME TO MAKE UP YOUR COTTON CANDY MIND!
Music continues.
(trying to get rid of them)
I’ll think about it! Just don’t throw—
(in time with the music again) THREE! TWO! ONE!
JACK
BECKY
ELVES CONFETTI!
They shower confetti all over his sandwich again!
JACK
I hate you people!
Over The North Pole [June]—Santa
Back to Santa. We hear the sounds of a PROPELLOR plane. As they sing, Santa puts on a parachute and a big pair of aviator GOGGLES.
ELVES
MERELY SIX MONTHS TO CHRISTMAS NO TIME TO TAKE A BREAK!
TOYS NEED DESIGNING
LISTS NEED REFINING
GIFTS NEED ASSIGNING
BELT NEEDS A SHINING—
ELF 3
ELF 4
ELF 1
ELF 2
Rhubarb interrupts the singing! Music continues, as she shouts over the sound of the propellor.
RHUBARB (to Santa) What are you doing?!?!?
SANTA
Living it up!
But we’re in crisis mode.
I told you…
“ASK THE NEW GUY!”
RHUBARB
SANTA
SANTA & ALL THE ELVES
RHUBARB (grabbing Santa by the lapels)
But there IS! No! New Guy!
For a moment, Santa’s taken aback.
SANTA
Oh, fudgesicles. Well, Lucy said change isn’t easy… !
RHUBARB
Whoa, whoa, whoa! (with vitriol)
Who’s “LUCY”?!
SANTA
A waitress I met. At The Sugar Plum Diner.
RHUBARB
Is “LUCY” the one who told you to quit your job? Is this all “LUCY’S” fault?!
SANTA
No, no. Lucy just said “the best time to plant a tree is—” Never mind! Talk to the new guy.
Santa JUMPS out of the airplane.
GERONIMO!!!
Rhubarb has renewed purpose. As she speaks, she straps on her own parachute and goggles.
RHUBARB
Cinnamon, Sugarplum, Juniper, Gingersnap, Freezerburn, Bubblewrap, Glitterpants, Sparklemittens. Becky… Time we pay this “Lucy” person a visit!
Rhubarb leaps out of the plane as the elves sing an epic, final verse!
NO TIME FOR NAPPING
ELF 1
PACKAGES NEED WRAPPING
ELF 2
SACK NEEDS A DUSTING
SLEIGH NEEDS DE-RUSTING
ELF 3
ELF 4
ELVES NEED RECRUITING
BECKY
ROUTES NEED REROUTING
ELF 5
TOYS NEED DESIGNING
LISTS NEED REFINING
GIFTS NEED ASSIGNING
BELT NEEDS A SHINING
ELF 4
ELVES
(ELVES)
HAT NEEDS RE-LINING STOCKING COAL NEEDS MINING (decelerando/crescendo)
SORRY FOR THE WHINING… ! (fermata, then)
BUT THE VERY FATE OF CHRISTMAS IS AT STAKE! AHHH!
#6A—The Twelve Days of Christmas (Playoff)
Blackout. A musical playout takes us to…
SCENE 6—LUCY’S APARTMENT (JULY)
Lights up on LUCY in her apartment. It’s small, but cozy. She’s on the phone—midconversation.
LUCY
Yes, Mom, my oven’s still broken. But Manhattan’s so magical!
(off Mom’s reaction, which is a bit condescending)
Yes, Mom, I’m still doing my “art thing.” Planting oak trees, like you taught me…
(reminded of something)
Oh, I know it’s July, but I sent Christmas presents home for the nieces and nephews. Art supply kits. I felt awful I couldn’t come home last Christmas, and Auntie Lucy wants Gracie and Richie and Peggy and Pete to grow up with their hearts open to wonder like I did. Art can do that. Open hearts, I mean. It’s magic. Kinda like Christmas.
(her Mom is rushing her off the phone)
I know, I know, long distance. Send my love to the gang at Linneman’s and all of Sandusky! I love you!
She hangs up the phone and sighs.
Then, the DOORBELL rings. She opens the door and RHUBARB barges in, dripping with disdain.
You.
Hello… ?
RHUBARB
LUCY
Rhubarb marches past her, followed by Mrs. Claus.
RHUBARB
You broke him.
Do I know you?
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
Sorry to barge in. Are you Lucy Wells?
I am.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
And do you recall meeting a rosy-cheeked gent on Christmas morning?
LUCY
(delighted at the thought)
Sure, Nick!
RHUBARB
Saint Nick. That’s right, missy, you broke Santa—and you murdered Christmas!
Lucy tries to catch up with the logic.
I’m sorry, “Santa”? As in Santa Claus?
My husband.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
LUCY
That’s… CRAZY! He had a beard, sure… but he wasn’t Santa! You expect me to believe he is—you’re both—magical beings from the North Pole?!
DING! The oven timer goes off. Mrs. Claus puts on an oven mitt.
MRS. CLAUS
I don’t know what to say, Lucy, but it’s true.
Lucy’s dumbfounded as Mrs. Claus casually pulls a TRAY of COOKIES out of the oven.
Snickerdoodle?
(off Lucy’s reaction)
Sorry, I bake when I’m stressed.
LUCY
How did you—? That oven doesn’t work…
Another DING!
Do I smell gingerbread?
Mrs. Claus pulls a SECOND TRAY of cookies from oven.
MRS. CLAUS
We need your help, Lucy. You somehow talked Nick out of the gig of a lifetime—so clearly you’re persuasive
RHUBARB
And, because of YOU, Christmas is DEAD!
LUCY
But I didn’t— I wouldn’t—
(re: trays)
WHERE ARE THOSE COOKIES COMING FROM?
MRS. CLAUS
He got the magical Santa sack. This is my party trick.
Another DING!
LUCY
So you’re really Mrs. Claus… and you’re, what, a super-tall elf—?
RHUBARB
One elf was very small!
LUCY
—And I’m the moron who convinced the actual Santa Claus to quit his job?
MRS. CLAUS
Bingo.
Well, just make him un-QUIT!
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
It’s too late. The Bells of SinterKlaas have rung and Nick’s powers are fading. They’ll be completely gone by Christmas.
(she’s pulled a pie out of the oven) Apple pie?
Lucy swings into panic mode.
LUCY
No, no, no! I love Christmas! And I have nieces and nephews and they love Christmas. And I love gingerbread and caroling and ornaments and I REFUSE to be the person who DESTROYED CHRISTMAS!
She stress eats a snickerdoodle.
MRS. CLAUS
Good. Because we need your help.
LUCY
(with her mouth full)
I’ll do anything. And this cookie’s incredible.
RHUBARB
The problem is our new Santa, Jack. He won’t show up for work.
MRS. CLAUS
And, like I said, YOU are very persuasive….
LUCY
Tell me what to do.
Rhubarb drops Old Dusty Books in front of Lucy.
RHUBARB
These are the Ancient Tomes of Christmases Past. All one needs to know about the North Pole, the Workshop, the Reindeer, The Suit, The Boots, The Sack… basically, “How-To Manuals” for Brand New Santas.
MRS. CLAUS
Learn ’em. Study ’em. And then teach ’em to Jack. You’ve got until December 24th to get him on board.
(pointedly)
Lucy, it’s up to you to save Christmas.
SCENE 7—LUCY & JACK AT THE BAR (JULY)
A JET-SETTING BAR. Jack hails the bartender.
JACK
Gin martini, Chester. Bone dry, up, with a twist.
CHESTER
Sure as shootin’, Jack.
Lucy enters the bar and spots Jack. She approaches him.
LUCY
Jack Chase?
Jack gives her a suspicious look, but doesn’t answer.
Are you Jack Chase?
JACK (pouring on the charm)
Only two reasons a beautiful woman knows my name. One, she’s serving me a court summons…
(eyes her as he “waits” to be served papers)
Or, two, she and I went out once and had a fabulous time, yet I’ve blanked on her name and I’d very much like to make it up to her. Chester, gin martini for…
CHESTER
Sure as shootin’, Jack.
(she won’t give her name)
JACK
For the woman who’s about to hand me a court summons.
A pause.
(flirting aggressively)
LUCY
You forgot number three: I spotted you across the bar and just had to know your name. I’m Lucy.
JACK
(thrown at the success of his gambit)
Oh, uh, so, umm—
LUCY
(quick about face)
Just kidding, it’s number four: Santa Claus sent me.
(Chester slides her a martini)
Thanks for the martini.
She holds up her glass to toast.
JACK
Oh, no, you’re one of those Christmas Crazies?
(sizing her up, raising his glass)
Well, Lucy, at least you’re not a terrifying pack of singing elfs.
They CLINK glasses and take a sip.
LUCY Elves.
JACK I’m sorry?
LUCY
Elvvves. Not “elfs.” You said “at least I’m not a pack of singing elfs.”
(then)
And it’s a “sparkle.” A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, a sparkle of elves. You’ll pick up on the lingo—it’s all in the manual.
Lucy pulls an ancient TOME out of her bag and drops it on the bar.
JACK
(legitimately impressed)
Whoa. This thing’s a real antique—where’d you get this?
LUCY
Santa Claus.
Of course you did.
That’s Volume One. There’s eleven more.
JACK
LUCY
Just tell him to stop.
Santa?
JACK
LUCY
JACK Dougie!
LUCY
Who’s Dougie?
Doug Perkins! (off her look)
The guy who hired you?
I don’t know a Dougie—
JACK
LUCY
JACK
Tell Junior Perkins I don’t scare so easy. I’ve signed three new accounts this year and I’m about to land a new one: Kringlez Kidz.
LUCY
The Purple Canisters!
JACK
The guy who runs it is my neighbor. Snagging a high-profile charity looks “promotable,” right? Speaking of, I need to go work on the pitch. It’s been real.
He STANDS UP, finishing his drink to leave, but before he can, Lucy reaches into her bag.
LUCY
He asked me to give you this.
JACK Dougie?
LUCY
Santa.
He rolls his eyes. She hands him a GIFT BOX. He opens it and pulls out an old-school GOLD METAL TOY. It affects him.
JACK
(contemplative, lost in memory)
You’re good. A real Buck Rogers Ray Gun. When I was a kid, all I wanted was this thing for Christmas. I thought I could save the whole galaxy. How’d you know?
LUCY
He knows things.
You actually believe in Santa.
Now more than ever.
JACK
LUCY
JACK (explaining his world view)
“Christmas spirit” is such a hoax. People aren’t good ’cuz it makes them feel good. They do it ’cuz it makes them look good.
LUCY
I don’t agree.
It’s how the world works.
JACK
LUCY
I feel sorry for you. All you see is a cold, uncaring world. That’s not what I see, at all.
I SEE TREES OF GREEN, RED ROSES TOO I SEE THEM BLOOM FOR ME AND YOU AND I THINK TO MYSELF: “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD”
I SEE SKIES OF BLUE AND CLOUDS OF WHITE THE BRIGHT BLESSED DAY, THE DARK SACRED NIGHT AND I THINK TO MYSELF: “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD”
#7—What A Wonderful World Lucy
(LUCY)
THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW SO PRETTY IN THE SKY ARE ALSO ON THE FACES OF PEOPLE GOING BY I SEE FRIENDS SHAKING HANDS SAYING “HOW DO YOU DO?” THEY’RE REALLY SAYING “I LOVE YOU”
I HEAR BABIES CRY, I WATCH THEM GROW THEY’LL LEARN MUCH MORE THAN I’LL EVER KNOW AND I THINK TO MYSELF: “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD”
YES, I THINK TO MYSELF: “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD”
Jack looks at her intensely.
“What A Wonderful World.”
JACK
(then, grabs a cocktail napkin and writes it down)
That’s FANTASTIC! It’s total drivel, but… it’ll make one hell of a tagline for Kringlez Kidz! “What A Wonderful World…”
(pocketing the napkin)
How do you come up with this crap?
You’re a cretin.
LUCY
JACK
Drop the act, OK? The Ray Gun was emotional manipulation, not Santa magic. Dougie did research. He talked to someone.
LUCY
Who? Your parents passed away when you were young. He’s taken aback for a moment. How’d she know that?
JACK
Also, not Santa magic. Common knowledge.
LUCY
You have to believe
There is no magic!
Fine. You want proof ? (pulls out a RED SACK) Here.
JACK
LUCY
JACK A Santa Sack?
LUCY
Not a Santa Sack. The Santa Sack.
He takes a moment to inspect it. Then, incredulously:
JACK
The tag says “Made In China.”
LUCY
It was hand-woven by Shaolin warrior monks during the Tang Dynasty—it’s all in the manual. (then)
Take the Sack and imagine a gift. She thrusts the sack into his hand.
This is nonsense.
Imagine a gift for me.
Why should I—?
JACK
LUCY
JACK
LUCY (overlapping) Picture a gift!
JACK (overlapping) What are you doing—
Think of a GIFT for me!
LUCY
JACK
A gift for YOU? Fine!
Angrily, he concentrates and… we hear TWINKLE-WHOOSH. Suddenly, the sack twitches. Curiously, Jack reaches in and, shocked, pulls out a PAPER TICKET. He gets quiet—and serious.
LUCY
(taking it, reading it)
A one-way plane ticket to Timbuktu. Ha ha.
JACK
I can’t believe— I mean, I thought of that as a joke… (then, to himself)
OK, Jack, think of another GIFT.
He concentrates. TWINKLE-WHOOSH. He reaches into the sack and pulls out a GOLD WATCH.
Holy cow! A real Rolex!
I don’t want a watch—
LUCY
JACK
Well, if you don’t want it… (puts the watch on eagerly)
… I’ll take this 1951 gold Rolex Chronometer 6-0-7-5 with a coin edge bezel and a “superoyster” crown.
LUCY
Jack.
Jack takes stock and gets very serious.
So, I’m actually Santa Claus.
Yes.
JACK
LUCY
And I’ve been granted Santa Magic.
Yes.
Do you know what this means? (reaching in the sack) It means: DRINKS ON ME!
JACK
LUCY
JACK
Jack pulls out a STACK OF CASH and “makes it rain” as everyone cheers! He parades around the bar.
LUCY
Jack!
[NOTE: During the number, Jack distributes gifts from the Santa Sack. (He makes hidden “switches” from empty sacks.)]
JACK
(pulling “martinis” out and passing ’em around)
OLD MISTER KRINGLE IS SOON GONNA JINGLE THE BELLS THAT’LL TINGLE ALL YOUR TROUBLES AWAY
EVERYBODY’S WAITIN’ FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG
’CAUSE CHRISTMAS IS COMIN’ AGAIN
LUCY
Stop this, Jack. Please.
Jack blows off Lucy and leans in, passing out FANCY GIFTS for all, i.e., jewelry, hats, etc.
JACK
HE’S GOT A SLEIGH FULL IT’S NOT GONNA STAY FULL
HE’S GOT STUFF TO DROP AT EV’RY STOP OF THE WAY
EV’RYBODY’S WAITIN’ FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG ’CAUSE CHRISTMAS IS COMIN’ AGAIN
BAR DENIZENS
CHRISTMAS IS COMIN’ AGAIN!
#8—(Everybody’s Waitin’ For) The Man With The Bag Jack, Ensemble (Bar Denizens)
JACK HE’LL BE HERE…
BAR DENIZENS
HOO OOH WAH!
JACK WITH THE ANSWER TO THE PRAYERS THAT YOU MADE THROUGH THE YEAR
JACK YOU’LL GET YOURS…
BAR DENIZENS HOO OOH WAH!
JACK IF YOU’VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU SHOULD EXTRA SPECIAL GOOD
LUCY
(shouting over the music)
This is NOT Santa behavior!
(ignoring her, leading a Conga Line)
JACK
HE’LL MAKE THIS DECEMBER THE ONE YOU’LL REMEMBER THE BEST AND THE MERRIEST THAT YOU EVER HAD!
ALL
EV’RYBODY’S WAITIN’ FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG
Jack pulls a long LIMBO STICK out of the sack!
JACK
‘CAUSE CHRISTMAS IS HERE!
YES, CHRISTMAS IS HERE!
BAR DENIZENS
CHRISTMAS IS HERE!
CHRISTMAS IS HERE!
ALL
CHRISTMAS IS HERE!
Big DANCE BREAK w/limbo!
EV’RYBODY’S WAITING FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG ’CAUSE CHRISTMAS IS HERE AGAIN!
WOMEN
HE’LL BE HERE…
YES, HE’LL BE HERE…
MEN
WOMEN
WITH AN ANSWER TO THE PRAYERS THAT YOU MADE THROUGH THE YEAR!
MEN
YOU’LL GET YOURS…
YES, YOU’LL GET YOURS…
WOMEN
JACK IF YOU’VE DONE EV’RYTHING YOU SHOULD…
BAR DENIZENS
… EXTRA SPECIAL GOOD! EXTRA SPECIAL GOOD! EXTRA, EXTRA GOOD!
JACK
HE’LL MAKE THIS DECEMBER THE ONE YOU’LL REMEMBER THE BEST AND THE MERRIEST YOU EVER DID HAVE!
BAR DENIZENS YOU EVER DID HAVE!
JACK
EV’RYBODY’S WAITING!
JACK & BAR DENIZENS
WE’RE ALL CONGREGATING!
WE’RE WAITING (WAITING, WAITING… ) FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG!
BAR DENIZENS
(underneath held note)
THE MAN WITH THE BAG (EV’RYBODY’S WAITING) THE MAN WITH THE BAG (EV’RYBODY’S WAITING FOR… ) THE MAN WITH THE BAG!
(Party poppers?)
#8A—Conga (Playoff)
Over a PLAYOUT, they CONGA out the door. Lucy is left behind, gobsmacked. She charges out of the bar as the scene changes…
SCENE 8—LUCY CALLS MRS. CLAUS
A PAYPHONE. Lucy dials “0” and fishes out a scrap of paper. Lights rise on OPERATOR.
OPERATOR
Operator.
Person-to-person call, please. From Lucy.
LUCY
OPERATOR
To whom?
Mrs. Claus at the North Pole.
The operator is not amused.
LUCY
OPERATOR
Shall I loop in the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, as well?
LUCY
Very funny.
I can also connect Mickey Mouse—
The Fate of Christmas itself is at stake!
OPERATOR
LUCY
OPERATOR
(ah well, what the heck?)
I’ve heard weirder. Number, please.
Lucy reads numbers one-by-one; the operator repeats. [NOTE: It’s long.]
LUCY (& OPERATOR)
Four-nine-three (four-nine-three)… Six-eight-two (six-eight-two)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… (it continues on the back of Lucy’s paper)
Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five)… Five (five).
A phone RINGS as lights rise on Mrs. Claus at a desk; elves race around, working hard.
MRS. CLAUS
(picking up phone)
Go for Claus.
OPERATOR (surprised)
I have Lucy…
Put her through!
(checking a list)
MRS. CLAUS
And thank you, Lydia—other than that snide Tooth Fairy joke, you’ve been a good girl this year. My best to Charlie and the kids.
OPERATOR
Uh, thanks… ?
Lights fade on a confused Telephone Operator.
MRS. CLAUS
How’d it go?
It’s not him.
What?
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
LUCY
Jack Chase is NOT Santa. There’s been a mistake.
MRS. CLAUS (calmly)
The Bells of SinterKlaas are never wrong.
LUCY
Well, they are this time.
But they can’t be.
How do you know?
MRS. CLAUS
LUCY
I just know!
But how?
MRS. CLAUS
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
Tradition?! Faith?! The Bells analyze generosity, selflessness and countless other attributes across every home address in the world… and POOF!
LUCY
Well, they POOFED wrong!
Lucy…
MRS. CLAUS
LUCY
Jack Chase is a self-absorbed pig! Can’t Nick do a “Bonus Christmas,” then we all regroup in January?
MRS. CLAUS
His powers are fading, there’s no way he’d get that sleigh to fly. And, without a new Santa, Lucy…
(MRS. CLAUS)
… I can’t even say it. You must get Jack to accept the Christmas Magic. LUCY
But I can’t get through to him.
Dig deep, Lucy—we need you. (sings)
MRS. CLAUS
LIKE A SMALL BOAT IN THE OCEAN SENDING BIG WAVES INTO MOTION
LIKE HOW A SINGLE WORD CAN MAKE A HEART OPEN YOU MIGHT ONLY HAVE ONE MATCH… BUT YOU CAN MAKE AN EXPLOSION!
#9—Fight Song
Mrs. Claus, Lucy, Ensemble
(MRS. CLAUS)
AND ALL THOSE THINGS YOU COULDN’T SAY WRECKING BALLS INSIDE YOUR BRAIN YOU WILL SCREAM THEM LOUD TONIGHT AND HE WILL HEAR YOUR VOICE THIS TIME!
THIS IS YOUR FIGHT SONG — TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE SONG — PROVE YOU’RE ALRIGHT SONG, YEAH!
YOUR POWER’S TURNED ON STARTING RIGHT NOW YOU’LL BE STRONG YOU’LL PLAY YOUR FIGHT SONG SAY “I DON’T CARE IF NOBODY ELSE BELIEVES… ’CAUSE I STILL GOT A LITTLE FIGHT LEFT IN ME!”
LUCY
I STILL GOT A LITTLE FIGHT LEFT IN ME!
Jack’s Office
MUSIC CONTINUES as lights rise on a meeting between Jack and a BUSINESS LADY in a broach. She’s about to sign a contract.
BUSINESS LADY
Mr. Chase, a pen, please… ?
LUCY rushes in, a woman on a mission!
LUCY
Don’t trust this man with your business!
BUSINESS LADY
My word.
HILDY enters, out of breath, pointing at Lucy.
HILDY
She’s not in the book! THAT WOMAN is NOT in the book!
JACK
It’s OK. Hildy, Mrs. Callaway, this is Lucy.
LUCY
(pulling out dusty tomes)
I’m just here with Volumes 2 & 3 for Jack to read.
JACK
And why would I do that?
(casually, a twinkle in her eye)
LUCY
So this nice lady won’t find out you’re tricking her, using your secret knowledge of stories she wrote in letters to a certain jolly fellow?
BUSINESS LADY (MRS. CALLAWAY)
(cheerfully)
Did you know, that when we were young, Jack and I both had chihuahuas named Cheesecake?
(suddenly suspicious, pushing the contract away))
Wait, Jack, is that true… ?
Jack scrambles to contain the damage.
JACK
She’s kidding, Mrs. Callaway! Lucy, thanks for the books.
LUCY
You’ll read them by Thursday?
See you Thursday!
JACK
(as Lucy turns to go, he reaches in his breast pocket) Mrs. Callaway, a pen…
LUCY
AND ALL THOSE THINGS I COULDN’T SAY WRECKING BALLS INSIDE MY BRAIN I WILL SCREAM THEM LOUD TONIGHT AND YOU WILL HEAR MY VOICE THIS TIME!
LUCY
THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG— TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG—
BACKGROUND VOCALS SONG… SONG…
(LUCY)
PROVE I’M ALRIGHT SONG, YEAH!
MY POWER’S TURNED ON
STARTING RIGHT NOW, I’LL BE STRONG I’LL PLAY MY FIGHT SONG!
SAY “I DON’T CARE IF NOBODY ELSE BELIEVES ‘CAUSE I STILL GOT A LITTLE FIGHT LEFT IN ME!”
The Golf Course
(BACKGROUND VOCALS) SONG, YEAH! TURNED ON… BE STRONG… FIGHT SONG! OOH… AHHH… I STILL GOT!
Jack is golfing with a BUSINESS MAN, who tees off. During the following, Jack tees up his ball and prepares to hit it.
JACK
Well, Mr. Rashkin, the 18th Tee. I said I wouldn’t pressure you—
BUSINESSMAN
I know.
JACK Will it be Perkins & Perkins? Or the other guys?
BUSINESSMAN
This is make-or-break for my company.
JACK
I know, sir. I can tell you haven’t been sleeping.
BUSINESSMAN (coming around)
That’s true, I haven’t been.
JACK
I know when you’ve been sleeping. And I know when you’re awake. (then)
Choose us, and rest soundly.
The two are about to SHAKE HANDS, when, out of the bushes—
LUCY
Are you KIDDING, Jack?!
For Pete’s sake—
JACK
LUCY
That’s really low. Even for you.
Lucy steals Jack’s GOLF BALL.
What’s low? What’s going on?
BUSINESSMAN
JACK
Give me back my ball.
Jack chases Lucy, but, by now, there’s a FAMILIARITY to their interaction. They’re fighting… but there’s a warmth there, too.
LUCY
Nope.
Lucy, come on.
JACK
LUCY
Shall I tell him exactly how you know his sleeping habits?
Jack folds, impressed with her.
Just give me the books.
Lucy gives Jack two more books.
JACK
LUCY
See you Thursday. And bring those muffins I love.
Lucy tosses the GOLF BALL back to Jack as we exit with her. Mrs. Claus appears.
LUCY & MRS. CLAUS
THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG!
TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG!
PROVE I’M ALRIGHT SONG, YEAH!
MY POWER’S TURNED ON!
BACKGROUND VOCALS
AHH… AHH… YEAH! TURNED ON!
(LUCY & MRS. CLAUS)
STARTING RIGHT NOW, I’LL BE STRONG! I’LL PLAY MY FIGHT SONG!
(BACKGROUND VOCALS) BE STRONG! FIGHT SONG!
LUCY & MRS. CLAUS
AND I DON’T CARE IF NOBODY ELSE BELIEVES… BACKGROUND VOCALS
AHH… ALL
I STILL GOT A LITTLE FIGHT LEFT IN—
LUCY & MRS. CLAUS ME!
BACKGROUND VOICES
AHH!
A playoff as Mrs. Claus exits and the set shifts.
#9A—Fight Song (Playoff)
Lucy settles in, at:
Jack’s Apartment
Should I get us take-out? Maybe Chinese?
JACK
LUCY
I’m starving, but we need to keep studying.
JACK (a sudden idea) We don’t have to stop.
Jack reaches into The Sack—a magic glissando—and pulls out CHINESE TAKEOUT containers and some chopsticks.
LUCY
(playfully, but she means it)
JACK! Quit abusing your powers!
JACK
(teasing; threatening to put them back)
If you’re not hungry…
LUCY (giving in; grabbing container)
No, give it! Is this—
JACK
Shrimp Lo Mein? You bet. Big benefits when a guy knows your heart’s desires, huh?
Lucy smiles. Then, she picks up a book.
Volume Twelve: The Magic Sleigh.
LUCY
JACK (getting excited)
Oh man, that Sleigh! Santa grabs the reins and shouts “AWAY!”—zero-to-sixty in the blink of an eye.
She puts down the Lo Mein and flips through the book.
LUCY
My favorite part was… here it is: (reading)
“Santa’s love takes his hand to bless his journey. They kiss in the winter air, a warm reminder of life’s truest magic. Soon, the sleigh lifts off into the night.” (romantically)
Isn’t that romantic? A goodbye kiss, every time?
JACK
It’s a bit… predictable.
What’s wrong with that?
LUCY
JACK
I’ve just never found something I’d want to do, exactly the same, year in, year out.
LUCY
What about that promotion, when Mr. Perkins retires? Won’t that be “predictable?”
JACK
It’s a huge stepping stone. From there, I could probably start my own agency. And from there, flip over to the client side, get some real equity. And from there, maybe run a multinational corporation?
LUCY
(mocking his ambition)
And from there? And from there?
JACK
If you’re not flying, you’re dying. (getting personal)
Judge all you want, but when I was young—well, you know about my parents. Then, foster home after foster home… People bail on you. You can’t count on others, so, you hustle. You sell yourself. And, along the way, you sell dish soap and dog food.
(re: Lucy)
You know what it’s like to be on your own, with your dad walking out on you guys.
LUCY
Sure, but it didn’t make me cold. It made me appreciate the warmth even more, when I found it.
JACK
(intrigued)
What’s your story?
No story…
LUCY
JACK
Come on, spill. A single woman, uprooting herself, living all alone in Manhattan? Just to be a waitress? There’s gotta be more.
LUCY
OK, there’s a small story. More of a picture book. (she grabs her sketchbook; rejection letters fall out)
Oops. Ignore the rejection letters.
Jack begins flipping through the sketchbook.
JACK You drew these?
(JACK)
(flipping through drawings)
They’re amazing.
Really?
LUCY
JACK
Really. Y’know, I could get you work in the Art Department.
LUCY
No, thank you.
You’d be great in advertising.
JACK
LUCY No, no—
JACK
We always need new talent.
I couldn’t draw for other people.
LUCY
JACK You could make real money.
LUCY
No!
(taking back her book)
Thank you. I don’t care about money. Or gold watches. Or nice apartments. I know you think I’m ridiculous, but art is a gift. I feel rich when I can capture a moment on a page… and make even one person just a bit happier.
Jack is touched by this. They lock eyes.
You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met.
Sorry.
JACK
LUCY
JACK
No, it’s wonderful.
They come together for a KISS… it’s a beautiful moment for both of them. Just before they kiss, though, Lucy pulls back just a bit—
LUCY
(still in the moment) Jack?
JACK Yes?
LUCY
How did you know my dad ran out on us?
JACK
You must have told me.
Slowly, Lucy steps away…
I didn’t.
(coming to a conclusion)
LUCY
No, no, no, NO—you used Santa Magic on ME, didn’t you?
JACK No!
LUCY
You’re unbelievable!
JACK
I didn’t— Maybe I did, but I didn’t mean to! Honest!
She prepares to leave.
LUCY
For someone who doesn’t want to be “predictable,” that was textbook Jack.
JACK
I swear, Lucy. I didn’t mean to.
LUCY
Why do I bother? You are incapable of appreciating anything other than yourself. You’re hopeless. Goodbye, Jack.
JACK
Lucy, please. Don’t go—
Upset, Lucy charges out of Jack’s apartment and slams the door.
Hallway Outside of Jack’s Apartment
She tries to compose herself, when a JOLLY-LOOKING fellow enters. We’ve never seen him before.
This is TOPHER.
With his kind face and overall appearance, he is EXACTLY what “Young Santa” would have been like in his 30s.
TOPHER
Oh my stars, I hate to intrude, but why the frowny face?
LUCY
(wiping off tears, without looking up)
I’m OK. It’s not your problem.
TOPHER
We all share each other’s burdens, don’t you think? What’s got ya blue?
LUCY
Well, the Magic Bells swooped into this hallway looking for a special someone… but, it turns out he’s not who he’s supposed to be.
Topher doesn’t understand what she’s getting at.
TOPHER
Might Mr. Fluffykins cheer you up?
(pulls squeaky stuffed toy out of pocket; reconsiders)
Sorry, habit. I run a Children’s Christmas Charity. Sad adults aren’t my forté.
(introducing himself)
I’m Topher. I live in 6A.
Lucy.
(then, realizing)
LUCY
Wait, doesn’t Jack live in 6A?
(LUCY)
TOPHER
Technically, they’re both Apartment 6A. It was all one big apartment eons ago, and no one’s fixed the city’s records. Crazy, right?
(laughs)
Ho, Ho, Ho!
Lucy does a double take; Topher’s laugh is very SANTA-LIKE.
(laughing more)
HO, HO, HO! We should get that fixed before it causes a real problem!
#10—Act I Finale (Everybody’s Waitin’ For) The Man With The Bag (Reprise) Lucy, Ensemble
Lucy looks at him. [“OH GOD,” she realizes, “THE REAL SANTA!”]
LUCY
Who are you?
TOPHER
I’m Topher. Well, my full name is Christopher Kringlemeyer. Confirmation! We hear voices in the background.
OFFSTAGE VOICES
EV’RYBODY’S WAITING…
Your name is Chris Kringle?
Kringlemeyer.
LUCY
TOPHER
OFFSTAGE VOICES FOR THAT MAN…
LUCY
And you run a Children’s Christmas Charity?
TOPHER
Kringlez Kids!
THAT MAN…
And you live in Apartment 6A?
Home Sweet Home!
THAT MAN!
OFFSTAGE VOICES
LUCY
TOPHER
OFFSTAGE VOICES
And you laugh just like Santa Claus?
(he finds this funny)
HO, HO, HO… I honestly don’t hear it.
Lucy’s convinced. Topher’s the guy.
Can we talk?
(a “yes”)
How about some hot cocoa?
In August?
LUCY
TOPHER
LUCY
TOPHER
LUCY
TOPHER
It’s always the right time for cocoa! HO, HO, HO…
MUSIC BUILDS as they exit together. Before she’s gone, she turns out.
LUCY
EV’RYBODY’S WAITING FOR THE MAN WITH THE BAG!
OFFSTAGE VOICES
AHH… MAN WITH THE BAG!
ALL
‘CAUSE CHRISTMAS IS COMING AGAIN!
Lights fade. END OF ACT ONE.
SCENE 1—CHARITY EVENT (START OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON!)
Music plays. Curtain opens on… SANTA CLAUS!
“SANTA CLAUS”
Ho, Ho, Ho! Ho, Ho, Ho!
Wait is that REALLY the new Santa? Or is it just Topher in a beard? Or is Topher now… Santa?!
TOPHER
(pulling down his beard)
Hey all, I’m not really Santa. It’s just me, Topher Kringlemeyer! Gotcha!
Welcome to “What A Wonderful World”, our Annual Kringlez Kidz Charity Ball! Christmas is just around the corner and to help us celebrate, please welcome… the Kringlez Kidz Dancers!
The Kringlez Kidz dancers, along with a handful of kids, perform a spirited, jingle-jangly medley of Christmas tunes!
KID 1
I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE LAST NIGHT… SHE DIDN’T SEE ME CREEP DOWN THE STAIR TO HAVE A PEEP SHE THOUGHT THAT I WAS TUCKED UP IN MY BEDROOM FAST ASLEEP! THEN—
KID 1, KID 2, & KID 3
I SAW MOMMY TICKLE SANTA CLAUS UNDERNEATH HIS BEARD, SO SNOWY WHITE… ALL KIDZ
WHAT A LAUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF DADDY HAD ONLY SEEN
MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT!
Dance break!
#11—Kringlez Kidz Medley Ensemble (Kidz, Adults)
(ALL KIDZ)
WHAT A LAUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF DADDY HAD ONLY SEEN
MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT!
ADULTS
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
Solo KIDZ step out of the group.
(ADULTS)
OOH…
OOH…
HOO…
AHHH!
Everyone sings together!
(ADULTS)
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
CHRISTMAS…
ALL KIDZ
THE SNOW’S COMING DOWN
I’M WATCHING IT FALL… LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND
BABY, PLEASE COME ‘A HOME! THE CHURCH BELLS IN TOWN ALL RINGING IN SONG… FULL OF HAPPY SOUNDS
BABY, PLEASE COME ‘A HOME!
KID 2
THEY’RE SINGING DECK THE HALLS
KID 3
BUT IT’S NOT LIKE CHRISTMAS AT ALL KID 4
‘CAUSE I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE HERE KID 5
AND ALL THE FUN WE HAD LAST YEAR!
ALL KIDZ
PRETTY LIGHTS ON THE TREE
I’M WATCHING THEM SHINE YOU SHOULD BE HERE WITH ME
BABY PLEASE, BABY PLEASE COME HOME!
(ADULTS)
CHRISTMAS!
CHRISTMAS!
CHRISTMAS!
CHRISTMAS!
(ADULTS)
KIDZ GROUP 1
I SAW MOMMY KISSING
SANTA CLAUS
UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE LAST NIGHT
KIDZ GROUP 2
THE SNOW’S COMING DOWN I’M WATCHING IT FALL… LOTS OF PEOPLE AROUND BABY, PLEASE COME ‘A HOME!
CHRISTMAS… ALL KIDZ I SAW MOMMY KISSING…
ALL
SANTA CLAUS LAST NIGHT!
#11A—Kringlez Kidz Underscore
The well-dressed attendees CHEER, as Lucy shouts! LUCY Bravo! Bravo!
MRS. CLAUS enters, in a gown. Lucy spots her and rushes over. Mrs. C., you made it!
MRS. CLAUS
You sent twenty-nine invitations to the North Pole.
LUCY
Free postage, am I right? Whoosh!
(Mimes flinging letter; Mrs. Claus is not amused)
Sorry. Just wait till you meet Topher.
MRS. CLAUS
Lucy—
Jack’s old news.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
Jack’s here tonight, right? His company sponsored the event.
I know.
I need to speak with him.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
Jack doesn’t matter! Topher’s our man.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
The Bells of SinterKlaas are never wrong.
(over her objection)
Can we just have fun tonight? I’m running The Whole Pole by myself—manufacturing, logistics—and Nick’s “system” was NOT having a system. So, guess what? I got us a computer.
(she over-pronounces “computer”; bragging a bit)
It has five-hundred-and-twelve bytes of memory! Should last us fifty years.
LUCY
Is Nick here?
A bit annoyed, Mrs. Claus looks around.
MRS. CLAUS
He said he’d be, but who knows? He’s into “close-up magic” now. (spots something)
Oh no…
Lights hit SANTA before three partygoers, each holding a card.
SANTA
The Amazing Claus-ino knows! Is your card… the Ace of Hearts?
PARTYGOER #1
Three of clubs.
Is your card the Ace of Hearts?
Six of diamonds.
SANTA
PARTYGOER #2
SANTA
Is your card—
Two of spades.
PARTYGOER #3
LUCY
Nick! Nick!
Santa hears Lucy and takes his leave.
SANTA (dramatically)
The Amazing Claus-ino must now… disappear!
Santa pretends to “vanish.” Then, he joins Lucy and Mrs. Claus.
LUCY
Nick! Great to see you! Now, about The Bells—
SANTA & MRS. CLAUS
They’re never wrong.
LUCY
But what if they got confused? Jack and Topher live at the exact same address.
MRS. CLAUS
Really?
Which one’s Topher again?
SANTA
LUCY
He’s the new you, the correct one. The magic hit the wrong guy. We need a loophole—
SANTA
A loophole?
LUCY
In the magic. A way to switch the powers. You’ll love Topher. He’s really nice.
MRS. CLAUS
There’s no loophole, Lucy. It’s Jack or bust.
Just then, JACK gets up “ON STAGE” in front of everyone.
JACK
(onstage. ever the charming host)
Good evening, everyone!
Speak of the devil.
LUCY
JACK
I’m Jack Chase, from Perkins & Perkins Advertising, sponsor of tonight’s Kringlez Kidz Ball, what we’re calling “What A Wonderful World.” It’s my pleasure to introduce your host: Topher Kringlemeyer!
TOPHER takes stage, as music enters. Applause.
TOPHER
Every night, kids go to bed hungry. One day a year, Santa fills their stockings with gifts and their hearts with joy. But all those other days? It falls on us.
(takes off Santa hat, holds it out for donations)
WITH A LITTLE LOVE… AND SOME TENDERNESS WE’LL WALK UPON THE WATER, WE’LL RISE ABOVE THE MESS WITH A LITTLE PEACE…
(getting a donation; speaks)
The kids thank you!
… AND SOME
TOPHER & ENSEMBLE HARMONY
(another donation; speaks)
You, too, ma’am!
WE’LL TAKE THE WORLD TOGETHER, WE’LL TAKE THEM BY THE HAND
Back-up voices join in.
TOPHER
I GOT A HAND FOR YOU!
ENSEMBLE
‘CAUSE I GOT A HAND FOR YOU
HOO I WANNA RUN WITH YOU
#12 —Hold My Hand
Topher, Lucy, Ensemble
(TOPHER)
WON’T YOU LET ME RUN WITH YOU?
HOLD MY HAND
(ENSEMBLE)
HOLD MY HAND
TOPHER & LUCY
I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND!
LUCY & ENSEMBLE HOLD MY HAND…
TOPHER & LUCY
I’LL TAKE YOU TO A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANNA BE
TOPHER
‘CAUSE I WANNA LOVE YOU THE BEST THAT THE BEST THAT I CAN LUCY AND THEN MAYBE WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD
TOPHER
WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD BUT…
TOPHER & LUCY (to the kidz)
I WANNA LOVE YOU THE BEST THAT THE BEST THAT I CAN!
Lights hit Santa and Mrs. Claus, shellshocked.
ENSEMBLE (underneath Topher & Lucy)
HOLD MY HAND
OOH
AHH
AHH WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD
AHH
Wow. Topher is… NICE.
Sooooo NICE.
SANTA
BEST THAT THE BEST THAT I CAN!
MRS. CLAUS
Like, waaaaay nicer than I am.
(almost too honest)
Oh, yeah.
(completely convinced)
We’ve gotta find that loophole.
Whoa, whoa, slow down—
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
Face it, Nick: The Bells screwed the pooch.
(she points to Topher)
Look at him! He’s obscenely kind, uncomfortably generous, he runs a dang kid’s charity, he lives at the exact spot The Bells chose, and his real god-given name is CHRIS-topher KRINGLE-meyer?!
SANTA
Jack just needs more time.
It’s been ten months!
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
Big life changes are hard! You’re cruising down one path your whole life and then, one day, it all changes. He’s doing his best.
MRS. CLAUS
Are we talking about Jack? Or, you?
Santa doesn’t know what to say.
We have to double-down on Jack.
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
“We?!” There is no “we”! Ever since you had your “epiphany” and vanished into those crumpled paper scraps, I’ve been at this myself. And it’s hard!
(contrite)
I didn’t know you felt that way.
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
Because I didn’t want to hurt your “process.” But I’m exhausted! And no one’s card was the Ace of Hearts!
SANTA
I didn’t finish the trick! Check your pocket.
MRS. CLAUS
My pocket?! What—?
Flustered, she reaches in her pocket and pulls out the Ace of Hearts.
SANTA
Ta-da… ?!
She’s not amused.
MRS. CLAUS
Our main duty is keeping the Christmas Flame alive. Talk to Jack if you want, but I’m telling Rhubarb to find that loophole. It’s our best shot.
SANTA
(as she walks away)
Holly! Come on, Holly…
Frustrated, Santa goes to the bar as Mrs. Claus storms out, passing Lucy.
MRS. CLAUS
(to Lucy)
You really think it’s Topher?
It’s gotta be.
Get him ready. I’ll see what I can do.
LUCY
MRS. CLAUS
Mrs. Claus exits. Jack approaches Lucy. He still pines for her.
JACK
Lucy! Hi. I keep calling, but you don’t answer.
LUCY
(coldly)
I’ve been busy.
JACK
Busy? Or just “spending time” with Kringlemeyer? When did you two get so involved?
LUCY
It’s not like that.
Topher bursts into the conversation, an explosion of kind energy.
TOPHER
Jack Chase! Jackie, Jackie, Jackie! The brilliance behind “What A Wonderful World!” What the heck, you’re gettin’ a hug, buddy!
(gives him a big hug)
Your hair smells SO good.
Jack sizes him up.
What’s your deal?
My deal?
No human is this… pleasant.
Stop it, Jack.
JACK
TOPHER
JACK
LUCY
JACK
You spend all your time raising money for other people’s kids? What else do you do?
TOPHER
Not much. Oh, I make fudge!
JACK
It’s an act, right? I mean, no one’s this much of a saint!
TOPHER
What about Saint Nicholas, huh? Zing!
JACK (to Lucy)
This guy?! Really?! Him?!?!
Topher’s a bit lost. He turns to Lucy.
TOPHER Goose?
JACK
Who’s Goose?
TOPHER
I call her “Goose.” Like Lucy Goose. Get it?
JACK (is he really losing to Topher?)
I’M LOSING TO THIS GUY?!?!
(shooing Topher away from the situation)
LUCY
Topher, why don’t you go mingle? Breakfast tomorrow? At the muffin place? I have something important to discuss with you.
TOPHER
(nods)
Good to see you, Jack.
Topher heads off.
There’s something off about him.
Some people are nice! Oh, the horror!
JACK
LUCY
JACK
But he’s weird nice. Like, how can he live in my building? It’s too expensive for me, and I burn money on stupid things like overpriced apartments! He runs a charity.
LUCY (realizing)
Are you jealous?
YES! I’m extremely jealous!
JACK
LUCY
Not that it matters, but Topher and I aren’t together. I mean, we might try… I don’t know, I’m just trying to save Christmas.
JACK
Forget him. Try with me. Again.
#13 —Treat You Better Jack
LUCY
I cried when I left you that night.
JACK Lucy…
LUCY
BUT it’s pointless. Because you are selfish and a liar… and that won’t ever change.
JACK
I WON’T LIE TO YOU I KNOW HE’S JUST NOT RIGHT FOR YOU AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I’M OFF, BUT I SEE IT ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU SAY THAT HE’S THE ONE THAT YOU WANT AND YOU’RE SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME IN THIS WRONG SITUATION AND ANYTIME YOU WANT IT TO STOP… I KNOW I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HE CAN AND ANY GIRL LIKE YOU DESERVES A GENTLEMAN
TELL ME WHY ARE WE WASTING TIME ON ALL YOUR WASTED CRYIN’ WHEN YOU SHOULD BE WITH ME INSTEAD?
I KNOW I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER— BETTER THAN HE CAN!
This is foolish, Jack. It’s too late for us.
Lucy RUNS OUT.
LUCY
JACK
GIVE ME A SIGN—TAKE MY HAND, WE’LL BE FINE PROMISE I WON’T LET YOU DOWN JUST KNOW THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE PROMISE I’LL NEVER LET YOU DOWN (pouring out his heart) ‘CAUSE I KNOW I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HE CAN AND ANY GIRL LIKE YOU DESERVES A GENTLEMAN
TELL ME WHY ARE WE WASTING TIME ON ALL YOUR WASTED CRYIN’ WHEN YOU SHOULD BE WITH ME INSTEAD?
I KNOW I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER— BETTER THAN HE CAN!
Jack heads to BAR, dejected, where an equally bummed SANTA already sits. (Turns out, the bartender is Chester.)
That you, Chester? What’re you doin’ here?
CHESTER
Gotta make a livin’, Jack. The usual?
Sure as shootin’.
JACK
As Chester starts the martini, Jack sits next to a tuxedo-ed SANTA nursing a Virgin Egg Nog. [Note: Jack does not know it’s Santa, but Santa, of course, knows it’s Jack.]
SANTA
Well, you look as terrible as I feel.
Jack sizes up his companion and smiles.
JACK
Could say the same to you.
(Jack offers some advice)
If you don’t mind constructive criticism: that suit? Looks a bit last century. (handing Santa a business card)
Here. Call my guy.
Your guy?
SANTA
JACK
My suit guy. You gotta have a guy. I got a guy for suits, shirts, shoes, shoelaces… I even got a guy who knows when my guys are too busy being other guy’s guys, so he can find me new guys.
Chester hands over Jack’s martini.
Bottoms up, fellas.
CHESTER
JACK (toasting)
Jack Chase.
Santa Claus.
Jack is a bit taken aback, but he gets it.
SANTA
JACK
Ahhhh. So, the hard sell’s coming? Gonna twist my arm to be the new you?
SANTA
Change is tough, Jack—
It’s not gonna work.
(without waiting for a response)
JACK
And, don’t say “but, Jack, it’s the greatest job in the world!” Cuz if it’s so great, you wouldn’t have quit.
SANTA
True. It’s grueling. You GIVE and you GIVE and you GIVE… (thinking it through)
Turns out, though, that was the best part. And, now, because of some rash, selfish decision, I might be the chump who destroyed Christmas.
JACK
Here comes the guilt trip.
SANTA
I get it, Jack. You had life all figured out. You were flying high. But then the same thing happened to you that happened to me.
JACK
And what’s that?
You met Lucy. A beat.
SANTA
JACK
That woman has a way of scrambling your priorities.
SANTA
She saw I was lost. And she knew it was time for me to try something new. Of course, now I’m trying everything new… and I’m more lost than ever.
JACK
Exactly! I can’t just change my whole life, my whole personality… just for Lucy.
SANTA
No. But you can do it for you.
Jack looks at Santa.
JACK
Why me, man? I’m not… jolly. Christmas is just a reminder of terrible times when I was a kid. Shouldn’t it be someone nice like Topher?
SANTA
(thinking about it)
That guy’s, like, weird nice, isn’t he?
That’s what I’ve been saying!
JACK
SANTA
The Bells chose you, Jack. And we both know you have it in you. So, I’m gonna fight like fudgesicles to keep Christmas alive—it can’t end with me.
(leaning in)
Plus, if you open your heart to this… you might just win Lucy back.
Jack melts—Santa’s got him.
Are you using Santa Powers on me?
Santa smiles.
JACK
SANTA
Why don’t I stick around New York? I can teach you everything I know about the Christmas Spirit, straight from the Big Man himself. And, we’ll see… Besides, it’ll be nice to live back in the city. I’ve been doing stand-up comedy—they say I’m the next Lenny Bruce!
JACK
Lenny Bruce? Really?
SANTA
No. But if anyone asks, yes. What do you say, Jack? Give it the ol’ Christmas try?
Santa holds out his hand. Jack shakes it. MUSIC plays us out…
#13A—The Ol’ Christmas Try
SCENE 2—NORTH POLE
Music plays as the elves wrap packages on an “assembly line,” humming as they go. Behind them, in enormous letters on a chalkboard, it says: “41 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS EVE!”
RHUBARB enters, on phone, cord stretching offstage.
RHUBARB
Roger that, Mrs. C. I’ll figure it out, Mrs. C. (getting tense; elves huddle around her)
I’ll try not to panic, Mrs. C. Yeppers. Okey-doke, Mrs. C. Toodles.
Rhubarb lets go of the phone. She is not OK.
CINNAMON
You OK, Rhubarb?
RHUBARB
(trying to be overly-super-duper-delicate)
Soooo, elves… Hypothetically, what if Mrs. C told me that, hypothetically, we had the wrong Santa, and, hypothetically, we had just 41 days to scour the Pole for every treatise, handbook and historical document in search of a loophole in the SinterKlaas magic or Christmas is done for?!
A beat. They PANIC like their elfin hair is on fire.
ELVES
AHHHHHHHHH!!!
RHUBARB
Elves! Elves!
(they stop; she lies all silly-like)
I said “hypothetically!”
The elves breathe a HUGE sighs of relief. Music starts.
(lying cheerfully)
Mrs. Claus just asked me to share Christmas tidings! And I was tooootally kidding about the books and the loophole and the grizzly death of Christmas!
#14 —Holly Jolly Christmas Rhubarb, Ensemble (Elves)
(RHUBARB)
(RHUBARB)
(singing through super-smiley, gritted teeth)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS
IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR
NOW, I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’LL BE SNOW BUT HAVE A CUP OF CHEER!
Rhubarb slyly grabs a book, surreptitiously flipping through it. Nada. Fudgesicles!
(tossing book away, slyly looking for another)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS AND WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET SAY HELLO TO FRIENDS YOU KNOW AND EV’RYONE YOU MEET!
She grabs another book. Nope. The elves join in glorious harmony.
RHUBARB & ELVES
HO, HO, THE MISTLETOE HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE SOMEBODY WAITS FOR YOU—KISS ’EM ONCE FOR ME!
RHUBARB
NO! I sing! You listen! I can’t concentrate!
CINNAMON
Is there something you’re not telling us?
RHUBARB
(continuing with fake smile and gritted teeth)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS AND IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR OH BY GOLLY HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!
What’s that?!?!
Rhubarb points offstage. The ELVES look as Rhubarb grabs a book and bolts the other way. MUSIC continues, as we CROSSFADE to one of two “training scenes” on the front corners of the stage. First:
Lucy and Topher
Lucy holds an empty plate; Topher stuffs a cookie into his very full mouth.
LUCY
One more cookie… and… The Cookie Challenge Champion is…
TOPHER
(hands up in victory; spitting crumbs)
Woo-hooooooo!
LUCY
Topher Kringlemeyer! Thirty cookies, a new record!
They do a complicated “HIGH FIVE” to celebrate…
Jack and Santa
Crossfade to Santa with a full plate of COOKIES; Jack stares one down.
JACK
I haven’t had sugar in ten years! My body’s a temple.
SANTA
Try the milk, then.
I told you, I’m allergic.
JACK
SANTA
But Santas eat milk and cookies, like it or not!
JACK Fine, I’ll have a sip.
(takes a sip; then… his stomach GURGLES)
Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope…
He runs off, clutching his stomach.
Back to The North Pole
It is now “27 DAY(S) TO CHRISTMAS EVE!” The elves watch a wired/exhausted Rhubarb sit with a huge pile of books.
RHUBARB
(tossing books, one-by-one)
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Rhubarb, you haven’t slept in weeks.
CINNAMON
What’s going on, Rhu?
JUNIPER
RHUBARB
What’s going on?! Why, I’m just jingle-jangled that Christmas Eve is 27 days away! (frenzied tempo, flipping thru books, tossing them)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS, IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!
I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’LL BE SNOW BUT HAVE A CUP OF CHEER!
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS AND WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET! SAY HELLO TO FRIENDS YOU KNOW AND EV’RYONE YOU MEET!
HO, HO, THE MISTLETOE
HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE SOMEBODY WAITS FOR YOU—
Rhubarb YAWNS involuntarily. Is she gonna fall asleep on her feet?
SUGARPLUM
Rhubarb?! Sweetie?!
RHUBARB (jolting awake)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS! AND IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR!
OH BY GOLLY HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY— (like a broken record, she gets into a loop)
OH BY GOLLY HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY—
OH BY GOLLY HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY—
CINNAMON
Wait a Cotton Candy minute! The books! The panic! Rhubarb, was that hypothetical NOT a hypothetical? Is Christmas in trouble?
RHUBARB
(nodding)
Mm-hmm.
The elves PANIC, running in circles! Music continues. Crossfade to:
Lucy and Topher
Lucy stands in front of a FIREPLACE. Someone’s inside.
TOPHER (O.S.)
(yelling from within)
This is terrifying!
(yelling up chimney)
LUCY
Careful, Topher! Chimneys are dangerous without Santa powers.
TOPHER (O.S.)
Hold on, hold on…
With a POPPING sound effect, Topher flops out of the fireplace!
That was… INCREDIBLE! Can I go again?
Jack and Santa
Crossfade to a warehouse, where the sleigh is stashed—not visible to the audience. We hear the sound of SNORTING REINDEER.
SANTA
Remember, Jack, the Reindeer will respond if you’re firm, yet kind.
JACK
I’ve tried for a month. That sleigh will not fly.
SANTA
Firm, yet kind. You got this.
Jack nods. Santa is rooting really hard for him.
JACK AWAY!
(nothing happens)
AWAY!
(JACK)
(again, nothing)
AWAY!
SANTA
There’s always tomorrow. But, hey, check your pocket.
(Jack pulls out the Ace of Hearts) Ta-da!
Back to The North Pole
It’s insanity. Everyone’s freaked out. The chalkboard reads “13 DAY(S)” The elves all work together, flipping thru/tossing books.
RHUBARB
Seventeen days to find that loophole, elves! It’s all on us!
As they SING, the chalkboard counts down. 13 12 11 RHUBARB (fast, frenzied, overlapping with elves)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS, IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR!
I DON’T KNOW IF THERE’LL BE SNOW BUT HAVE A CUP OF CHEER!
HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS AND WHEN YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET! SAY HELLO TO FRIENDS YOU KNOW AND EV’RYONE YOU MEET!
HO, HO, THE MISTLETOE HUNG WHERE YOU CAN SEE SOMEBODY WAITS FOR ME— KISS ‘EM ONCE FOR ME!
ELVES GROUP 1 (spinning out of control; nonsensically)
HOLLY, JOLLY!
CHRISTMAS BEST TIME!
THERE’LL BE SNOW BUT
HAVE A CUP!
HOLLY, JOLLY!
WALK DOWN THE STREET!
SAY HELLO YOU KNOW YOUR FRIENDS!
MISTLETOE! WHERE IS? RIGHT THERE!
WHO’S THAT WAITING? KISS ‘EM ONCE FOR ME!
ELVES GROUP 2 (spinning out of control)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY!
BEST TIME OF THE I DON’T KNOW!
WHERE’S THAT CUP?
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY! WALK DOWN THE STREET!
SAY HELLO! FRIENDS YOU’RE MEETING HO! HO! I CAN’T SEE IT! SOMEBODY… KISS ‘EM ONCE FOR ME!
We’re at “5 DAY(S) TO CHRISTMAS EVE!” when Becky leaps up.
BECKY
I found it! I found it! I found the loophole!
(music holds/vamps as Becky reads)
“No more Yuletide Magic? Is the fate of Christmas at stake? Here’s how to put pep back in Santa’s step: One, whisk the egg yolks and sugar in a medium bowl until light and creamy. Two, in a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine the cream, milk and nutmeg. Three—
RHUBARB
That’s not a loophole, Becky! That’s a recipe for Egg Nog from Good Housekeeping Magazine! And it sounds delicious! We’re DOOOOMED!
They all sing a big, dark, Carmina Burana-esque CHORAL ending.
RHUBARB & ELVES
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS AND IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR OH BY GOLLY HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY—
A FEW ELVES
(OH BY GOLLY HAVE A!)
RHUBARB & ELVES
OH, BY GOLLY, WILL WE EVEN HAVE A CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR? AHH!
Over the final note, the chalkboard counts down until it finally lands on “1 DAY(S) TO CHRISTMAS EVE!” The Elves land in a heap—they still haven’t found it and Christmas Eve is tomorrow!
#14A—A (Not So) Holly Jolly (Playoff)
SCENE 3—LUCY’S APARTMENT (DEC 23RD)
Lucy and Topher sit in Lucy’s apartment, reading one of the Dusty SANTA BOOKS, specifically Volume Twelve.
LUCY
(reading warmly)
“… They kiss in the winter air, a warm reminder of life’s truest magic. Soon, the sleigh lifts off into the night.”
TOPHER
A goodbye kiss every time. How romantic.
LUCY
That’s what I said!
A beat. Topher brings up something they’ve clearly discussed before.
TOPHER
See, Goose, we’re perfect for each other…
LUCY
Stop it, please don’t.
TOPHER
I’ve never met someone like you, Lucy. And these past three months… What’s wrong with me? Is it because I’m too nice? I don’t have to be.
For emphasis, he pounds the table. Then, he WINCES, hurting his hand.
LUCY
But, you do. And you are. And it’s not that.
(she pulls away)
It’s December 23rd. Let’s focus on now. Cuz if the Elves find that loophole…
TOPHER
OK. Now, this was meant to be romantic, but…
(pulls out gift)
I got you a gift.
No! I don’t want anything— He hands her a small box.
LUCY
TOPHER
It’s Christmas. Almost. I saw it and thought of you.
LUCY
(opening the box) A watch?
Not just any watch, it’s a 1951 gold—
TOPHER
LUCY
(overlapping, a bit underwhelmed) —a 1951 gold Rolex Chronometer 6-0-7-5 with a coin edge bezel and a “super-oyster” crown.
TOPHER
You know your watches! You deserve beautiful things, Goose. Because you’re beautiful. Lucy, though, is suspicious. She’s thinking of what Jack said.
LUCY
This cost a lot of money. I don’t mean to be rude, but… can you afford this?
TOPHER
What?
LUCY
And how do you afford that expensive apartment? You can’t make that much money at the charity.
TOPHER
(taken aback)
What are you suggesting—?
Just tell me the truth.
LUCY
Topher takes a moment. Then, he’s a bit sheepish.
TOPHER
You’re right, I’m sorry. I have a secret. Don’t be mad, but… (what’s his secret?)
(TOPHER)
I come from money. You know that little metal ball inside an aerosol paint can that goes all clankety-clankety when you shake it? Long story short, my mom was mixing paint, bumped her head, lost a tooth… got a patent… and I inherited a little money.
(a beat)
Maybe it’s why I’m so drawn to Kringlez Kidz—I’ve just always wanted to give back, y’know?
Awwww. It’s a moment. Then, Topher decides now’s the time—and he goes IN FOR A KISS. She pulls back.
LUCY
Topher…
(changing the subject)
You, my friend, might just have a very late night tomorrow, if our miracle comes through. Get some rest.
She heads for the door.
Goose…
I’ll call if I hear anything.
(disappointed)
Good night.
TOPHER
LUCY
TOPHER
Topher exits. Lucy closes the door and takes a moment. Suddenly, we hear a LOUD THUMP.
Then, the sound of SQUEEEEEEZING, as before, as someone tries to get down a chimney. It’s more awkward than earlier. It stops.
LUCY
(to the fireplace)
Hello?!
More SQUEEZING sounds.
(a hunch; calling at the fireplace)
Jack, is that you?! Jack, are you stuck in the chimney?!
LOTS and LOTS of THUMPING! Then:
JACK (O.S.)
(from inside chimney, very echo-y and muted)
Yes.
(more THUMPING)
Should I go back up? Yeah, I’m gonna go back up.
More THUMPING as he climbs up—Lucy follows him “up” with her eyes.
LUCY
DID YOU MAKE IT? JACK, ARE YOU OK? JACK? JACK?!?!
DOORBELL rings, she answers it. Jack enters, brushing SOOT off of him.
JACK
(worse for wear; catching his breath)
I was trying… to make a dramatic entrance.
Lucy is having none of this.
LUCY
What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you for months—
JACK
I’m here because tomorrow is Christmas Eve.
LUCY
This I know.
JACK
And— first, I want to apologize. For being such a jerk at the charity event.
LUCY
That you were.
JACK
It’s just something about that Topher guy gets under my skin! But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry. And I got you a gift.
He hands her a SMALL GIFT BOX (about the size of a watch).
LUCY
Why do people keep giving me things? I don’t want GIFTS!
(trying to get rid of him)
(LUCY)
Fine. Apology accepted. Thank you. You can go now.
JACK
No— there’s something else. Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve—
LUCY
As you’ve said.
JACK
And, well, I’m Santa Claus. I know things are off between us, but no one knows Christmas like you. I want you to ride shotgun in the sleigh with me. You’re a part of this, Lucy.
Lucy feels badly that Jack still thinks he has a chance.
LUCY
Oh, Jack… Have you even gotten the sleigh off the ground yet?
This hurts Jack’s pride.
JACK No. But I will.
(reading Lucy’s body language, realizing)
You don’t think I can do it, do you?
She doesn’t. She comes clean.
LUCY
There’s something you should know. Santa’s completely in your corner, but Mrs. Claus and the Elves and, yes, me… we believe The Bells chose you by mistake. It’s not just the sleigh, it’s everything. This was never you.
(the kicker)
Rhubarb is searching for a loophole in the magic.
JACK
But the Bells are never wrong.
LUCY
What if they are? What if we can fix this obvious mistake? You and Topher are—
It’s the first time he’s hearing this.
Topher? This is about him?
JACK
LUCY
Think about it! You have the same address—the Bells got confused! One of you is a selfish, materialistic narcissist who peddles half-truths for a living… the other runs a Children’s Charity and is a dead ringer for Santa Claus.
JACK
This isn’t right.
You didn’t want this, Jack—
LUCY
JACK I didn’t.
LUCY
So, let’s fix it—
JACK
I didn’t want it. But then, I was chosen. And when your heart opens up and you can suddenly hear people’s deepest desires, whether you want to or not… you start to care what happens to them. Mr. Perkins is giving out that promotion tomorrow, but that’s not what I want anymore—I’ve been passing my accounts off for the past two months to Dougie, the idiot son.
LUCY
I didn’t know you were doing that. That’s— That’s— RHUBARB bursts through the door, not noticing Jack at first.
RHUBARB
Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!
(she takes a big breath; sees Jack and backpedals) Jaaaaaaack…
JACK Rhubarb. A beat.
RHUBARB
(delicately to Lucy, trying to keep it from Jack)
Soooo, I have N-E-W-S.
(trying harder)
About the L-O-O… O… O-P… H—?
JACK
You’re looking for a loophole in the magic. I get it. And you’re a terrible speller for someone as old as you are.
Rhubarb is offended.
Hey! (reconsiders)
Wait, how old do you think I am?
RHUBARB
LUCY (trying to get her back on track)
Rhubarb—!
RHUBARB (to Lucy)
Shh— let him answer. Go on.
JACK
I don’t know. You’re an elf.
RHUBARB Guess.
JACK
How old you are? I don’t know. Like four… hundred?
Rhubarb reacts aggressively.
RHUBARB
Four hundred?! Are you SERIOUS?! You’re… SERIOUS?!
JACK (backpedaling)
I have no reference! You’re an elf.
RHUBARB
You are… bad. He’s SERIOUS?!
Here’s the thing: It’s very UNCLEAR if she’s delighted or offended. Four hundred. Are you SERIOUS?! You’re so bad. Sooooo bad.
JACK
I still can’t tell if I’m way over or way under.
Lucy gets us back on track.
Rhubarb! You have news!
LUCY
RHUBARB
We found the loophole! We think. An ancient reference to “a challenger for the sleigh.” A real Santa Switch. Legend says they met on Christmas Eve in “a thicket of holly” on “the highest of high hills.” At dusk, they grasped the Bells of SinterKlaas… and the “rightful heir” was revealed. You’ve got to prepare Topher.
LUCY
He’s ready. All we need is a thicket of holly. And a high hill. And the Bells.
Jack is heartbroken. He mentions the final ingredient they need.
JACK
And me.
(a beat)
You need me to give up what I want most.
Jack is devastated.
LUCY
Put yourself in our shoes. If that sleigh doesn’t fly, there’s no Christmas.
JACK
And what about us?
Jack…
LUCY
JACK
Right, there is no us. It’s you and Topher—
LUCY
It’s not about that—
Jack starts to leave.
I never should have believed—
Don’t go—
JACK
LUCY
JACK
I have to, Lucy! I have so much to do! I mean—
(getting upset)
I’m selfish, remember? Well, I’ve only got twenty-four hours left with these Santa Powers—better make the most of ’em. Better use my Santa Magic mind-reading to win back all those accounts I gave away so I can snag that promotion. This is gonna be the jolliest Christmas ever!
Jack storms out. Rhubarb turns to Lucy.
RHUBARB
You OK?
Sure. I’ll get Topher ready.
See you all tomorrow.
Rhubarb exits as music begins.
LUCY
RHUBARB
(looking at the gift in her hand, opens it)
LUCY
I can’t believe he tried to buy me off with some stupid gift—
Lucy stops cold. From the box, she pulls THE GOLF BALL (from Act I). It’s a sweet gesture. She melts a bit looking at the golf ball.
AND ALL THOSE THINGS I DIDN’T SAY WRECKING BALLS INSIDE MY BRAIN
#15 —Fight Song (Reprise) Lucy
(LUCY)
(resists Jack, putting golf ball away)
I WILL SCREAM THEM LOUD TONIGHT CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE THIS TIME?
The scene changes as Lucy sings, alone, in a spotlight.
THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG TAKE BACK MY LIFE SONG PROVE I’M ALRIGHT SONG
MY POWER’S TURNED ON STARTING RIGHT NOW I’LL BE STRONG I’LL PLAY MY FIGHT SONG AND I DON’T CARE IF NOBODY ELSE BELIEVES… ’CAUSE I’VE STILL GOT A LITTLE FIGHT LEFT IN ME!
We transition to…
SCENE 4—TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING (DEC 24TH)
Sundown approaches. Mrs. Claus and Rhubarb carry HOLLY branches.
RHUBARB
What a view! The tallest building in the world…
MRS. CLAUS
Let’s hope the Bells consider the top of the Empire State Building the “highest of high hills.”
SANTA enters, jazzed.
The old fella’s still got it!
It worked?
(rhyming, like the poem)
SANTA
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
“Every security guard sleeps, as it’s said/As visions of sugar plums dance in their head.” Took all the magic I had left, my powers are officially dry…
RHUBARB
Step one, complete! I’ll go check on the elves. Rhubarb exits. Santa turns to his wife.
SANTA
So, this is it, huh? I’m no longer “Jolly Old St. Nick.”
MRS. CLAUS
I guess not. Now you’re just “Old.” And Nick, I guess.
SANTA
I’m so sorry I left you high and dry at the Pole—
MRS. CLAUS
(brutally honest)
You really, really did.
A beat.
SANTA
All of sudden, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I figured if I could find something new and exciting in all those crumpled scraps of paper…
MRS. CLAUS
Got any left?
Just one.
SANTA
Santa pulls out a scrap of paper. Mrs. Claus reads it.
MRS. CLAUS
“Go to Le Cordon Bleu and learn to cook nouvelle cuisine…”
SANTA
As if trying to be a gourmet chef won’t just be another disaster! I know I abandoned you, Holly. But, there’s sort of a silver lining.
MRS. CLAUS
And what’s that?
SANTA
I haven’t seen you this full of life since the seventies.
SANTA & MRS. CLAUS
Ahhhh, the seventies.
The 1870s were a long time ago.
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
Look at you! You’re incredible. You complain about the work, but I think you like it.
She finally admits it, excitedly.
MRS. CLAUS
I do! I really do! I loved supporting you all those years, but it feels good to get my hands dirty. Did you hear? I fixed your stupid system and I bought a computer!
WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE WAY BACK WHEN SOMETIMES, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN
#16—Still The One Mrs. Claus, Santa, Ensemble (Elves)
(MRS. CLAUS)
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU’RE STILL THE ONE I WANT WHISPERIN’ IN MY EAR
SANTA
I LOOKED AT YOUR FACE EV’RY DAY BUT I NEVER SAW IT, ’TIL I WENT AWAY WHEN WINTER CAME, I JUST WANTED TO GO DEEP IN THE DESERT, I LONGED FOR THE SNOW
Out of nowhere, ELVES appear, singing back-up. They brought holly branches— throughout the song, they lay out the “thicket.”
SANTA
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE— THAT MAKES ME LAUGH!
STILL THE ONE— THAT’S MY BETTER HALF! WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN, AND YOU’RE STILL THE ONE
MRS. CLAUS
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE!— THAT MAKES ME STRONG STILL THE ONE!— I WANNA TAKE ALONG WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN, AND YOU’RE STILL THE ONE
SANTA & MRS. CLAUS CHANGING… OUR LOVE IS GOING GOLD EVEN THOUGH WE GROW OLD, IT GROWS NEW!
CHANGING… OUR LOVE IS GOING GOLD
EVEN THOUGH WE GROW OLD, IT GROWS NEW… SO NEW!
ELVES
STILL THE ONE!
STILL THE ONE!
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE!
STILL THE ONE! DOOT DOO STILL THE ONE! DOOT DOO YOU’RE STILL HAVIN’ FUN! YOU’RE STILL THE ONE
AHH AH NEW
CHANGING YOUR LOVE IS GOING GOLD GOING GOLD SO NEW NEW!
SANTA AND YOU’RE STILL THE ONE THAT I LOVE TO TOUCH!
STILL THE ONE AND I CAN’T GET ENOUGH
WE’RE STILL HAVIN’ FUN
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE!
MRS. CLAUS AND YOU’RE STILL THE ONE
STILL THE ONE
STILL THE ONE!
WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN
WE’RE STILL HAVIN’ FUN
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE WHO CAN SCRATCH MY ITCH!
STILL THE ONE I WOULD NEVER EVER SWITCH! ‘CAUSE
WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN
WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN!
WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN! AND YOU’RE STILL THE ONE!
ALL
(The ring of holly is complete.) Lucy and Topher arrive.
MRS. CLAUS
Lucy, Topher! Our “thicket of holly” is all set…
LUCY
Excellent.
SANTA (to Topher) You up for this, my friend?
TOPHER
I’ll do my gosh darn best.
Rhubarb re-enters with Jack. There’s clear tension.
RHUBARB
ELVES
STILL THE ONE! STILL THE ONE!
Jack Chase! Incoming!
YOU’RE STILL HAVIN’ FUN! OH YES!
YOU’RE STILL THE ONE!
DOOT DOO
STILL THE ONE!
DOOT DOO
WE’RE STILL HAVING FUN
Merry Christmas.
JACK
SANTA
Thank you, Jack. I know this is tough for you.
LUCY
He’ll be fine. At least he got his promotion, right?
JACK
Let’s do this, OK?
Rhubarb steps forward with the ancient trunk that holds The Bells of SinterKlaas. She places it in the middle of the HOLLY CIRCLE.
RHUBARB
Here, atop “the highest of high hills,” Jack and Topher enter a ceremonial “thicket of holly.” As they each grasp The Bells of SinterKlaas tonight, on Christmas Eve, the magic will be drawn to the rightful heir.
#16A—The Bells of SinterKlaas
As MUSIC plays, Jack opens the trunk. He picks up The Bells and looks at Topher.
JACK
You ready?
Gee, I sure better be!
Lights DIM and FLICKER.
MRS. CLAUS, SANTA & LUCY (slowly/dissonant/ mystical)
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
TOPHER
ELVES GROUP 1
(an echo)
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?
ELVES GROUP 2 (overlapping, dissonant, adding to the cacophony)
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY…
ELVES GROUP 3 (overlapping, dissonant)
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE…
Santa, Mrs. Claus, Ensemble (Elves)
ALL
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? I SEE?!
Topher grabs the BELLS—lights FLASH and power throwing them to the ground. Lucy and Santa both run to Jack.
SANTA
Jack!
Are you all right? Jack? Say something!
LUCY
Jack doesn’t move. Then, Topher sits up, rubbing his head.
TOPHER
Whoa… did it work?
Topher! You OK? How do you feel?
MRS. CLAUS
TOPHER
I think I feel… ready to dip a half-a-billion cookies in some milk!
The elves CHEER! During the celebration, Jack awakens.
LUCY
Jack. I was so worried—
Don’t be. I’ll be fine. Good luck.
JACK
Jack RUSHES out, brokenhearted. Mrs. Claus rallies the troops.
MRS. CLAUS
All right, it’s go time! Elves, let’s prep that sleigh. Lucy, stay with Topher as he suits up, then head to a clearing in the park. Wherever feels good, the reindeer can always track down Santa.
The elves and Clauses exit as we “CROSS-FADE” to…
A Street
… Jack walks, alone. He’s heartbroken. Melancholy music plays.
#16B—Breakaway (Reprise) Jack
JACK
What’d you expect, Jack—you can’t count on anyone. Just start over, like always.
I’LL SPREAD MY WINGS AND I’LL LEARN HOW TO FLY
I’LL DO WHAT IT TAKES ‘TIL I TOUCH THE SKY AND I’LL MAKE A WISH, TAKE A CHANCE, MAKE A CHANGE…
OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE SUN BUT I WON’T FORGET ALL THE ONES THAT I LOVE…
Jack can’t finish the thought.
We CROSS-FADE back to Topher and Lucy on the Empire State Building. Topher wears the Santa suit. Lucy wears a brave face.
LUCY
Well, you certainly look the part…
I can feel my Santa Powers growing… (noticing Lucy is still a bit down)
What’s wrong?
I’m worried about Jack.
TOPHER
LUCY
TOPHER
Come on, Goose. Jack is old news. He was nothing.
LUCY
That’s harsh. I mean, he tried.
TOPHER
But he doesn’t fit the suit—I do, remember? And YOU saw that before anyone else. You figured it out. You did ALL of this.
LUCY (a bit humble)
That’s not true.
TOPHER
Take the credit, Lucy. You saved Christmas, Lucy!
This is not about me.
LUCY
TOPHER
Maybe not. Maybe, it’s about “us.”
Topher takes her hand. Lucy pulls away. She doesn’t want to talk about a potential relationship.
LUCY
Let’s just get through Christmas first?
Out of nowhere:
Where’s the Santa Sack?
With the sleigh, I guess? Why?
TOPHER
LUCY
TOPHER
The moment we get that sack, Goose, I’ll use my powers to pull out stacks of cash… and we’ll be set for life.
Lucy is taken aback.
What are you talking about?
(revealing a new side of him)
LUCY
TOPHER
People like us—the “nice guys”—we always finish last. But not anymore! You can stop working at that stupid diner. We’ll buy a big house and a fast car. And we can get you art lessons! Your drawings are fun and all, but now we can afford the best teachers money can buy!
Everything is unraveling before Lucy’s eyes.
LUCY
You said your family had money.
TOPHER
I may have… lied. But who cares? You got what you wanted, right! All of it. And I would know—’cuz “Santa Claus” knows exactly what you desire, Lucy…
(looking off in the distance)
(TOPHER)
The good life. An easy life. With everything money can buy…
Lucy realizes what’s going on.
(to herself)
LUCY
No, no, a real Santa would know what I want. Something’s wrong. No, no, no… Jack!
Lucy runs off. Topher doesn’t notice, as he’s still waxing poetic about their lives.
TOPHER
Can’t you see it, Goose? You and me… and fountains of champagne! Maybe a mink coat or two. And a private jet!
(reconsidering, laughing to himself)
I guess we don’t need a jet, we have a sleigh! Or should we buy one anyway? What do ya think?
Topher turns—but LUCY’S GONE.
Goose?
(calling out)
Goose?! Where’d you go?
Lights dim on Topher as two SECURITY GUARDS enter, rubbing their heads, groggily.
SECURITY GUARD #1
You OK, Reggie?
SECURITY GUARD #2
I guess so. Some nut-job in a RED SUIT snuck up on me…
SECURITY GUARD #1
Me, too!
SECURITY GUARD #2
And then, suddenly, badda-bam, I’m sleeping like a baby!
SECURITY GUARD #1
Me, too! And ain’t this screwy, but I was dreaming of, get this, dancin’ plums.
SECURITY GUARD #2
Me, too!
Lights rise on Topher, looking for Lucy.
TOPHER
Goose?! Goose?!
The security guards spot him. He is, of course, in his RED SUIT.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Reggie, the red suit—that’s him!
SECURITY GUARD #2
Hey, you! You’re under arrest for trespassing!
TOPHER
Oh, I don’t think so, friends.
(he prepares to put “a spell” on them)
Because both of you look… a bit sleepy…
(dispensing magic, but it fails, and they come at him)
“Sugar plums!” “Sugar plums!” Why won’t this work?! “Dancing sugar plums!!!”
The security guards arrest Topher.
SECURITY GUARD #2
You’re coming with us, weirdo.
Let me go!
(calling out)
Goose?!
TOPHER
SECURITY GUARD #1
Hey, Reggie, what’s up with all these sugar plums?
SECURITY GUARD #2
No clue! But, is it just me, or are you gettin’ hungry… ?
MUSIC CONTINUES as the scene shifts. During the transition, LUCY re-enters, searching for Jack…
SCENE 5—COCKTAIL BAR
LUCY crosses in front of the Cocktail Bar from Act One.
A half-dozen martini glasses sit on the bar, in front of JACK. His back is to us. Finally, Lucy spots him.
LUCY
Jack! Jack… ! You were right—about Topher, everything. And, I know this is totally insane, but I think you might still have the Santa Powers.
Jack spins. He has a full BEARD and stuffs COOKIES in his mouth.
JACK
(mouth full of cookies, spitting crumbs)
I jusssht realizzzshed the sshhhame thing.
CHESTER
Here you go, Jack. One more milk-tini.
Chester hands him a MARTINI GLASS filled with MILK.
LUCY
What’s in those, Chester?
Just milk.
I thought you were allergic!
CHESTER
LUCY
JACK
Not anymore. This stuff’s SO good. And have you ever dipped cookies IN milk? I mean, COME ON!
(looks at Lucy; confused and scared)
What are you doing here?
LUCY
I came here looking for you. Turns out Topher was a power-hungry creep all along.
JACK
That’s why he felt so “off ”! Must’ve been my naughty/nice alarm going crazy.
LUCY
There’s one more thing.
#16D—What A Wonderful World (Reprise) Jack, Lucy
(LUCY)
Lucy looks Jack in the eye.
You are the rightful heir… You gave up that promotion, didn’t you?
JACK It didn’t feel right.
LUCY
You have changed. And The Bells knew it. And the Bells are never wrong.
JACK
THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW SO PRETTY IN THE SKY ARE ALSO ON THE FACES OF PEOPLE GOING BY I SEE FRIENDS SHAKING HANDS SAYING “HOW DO YOU DO?”
THEY’RE REALLY SAYING…
(to Lucy)
“I LOVE YOU”
JACK & LUCY
I HEAR BABIES CRY, I WATCH THEM GROW THEY’LL LEARN MUCH MORE THAN I’LL EVER KNOW AND I THINK TO MYSELF “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD” YES, I THINK TO MYSELF “WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD”
We hear SLEIGH BELLS from offstage.
CHESTER
Anyone else hear a jingle-jangle?
Rhubarb runs into the bar.
Lucy! Twinkle-tastic, we found you!
Is she old enough to be in here?
Rhubarb switches topics on a dime.
RHUBARB
CHESTER
Really? How old do you think I am?
Rhubarb!
RHUBARB
LUCY
RHUBARB
Right! The sleigh is out back, in the alley. The reindeer knew exactly where Santa was and took us straight to you and To—
(she realizes it’s not Topher, it’s Jack; she gets it)
Jack? It’s you. The “rightful heir.” The Bells are never wrong.
LUCY
C’mon, let’s go! We’re losing time—
CHESTER
He’s had seven milk-tinis, he’s not driving, is he?
LUCY
He’s not driving, Chester… he’s FLYING!
They rush out as the set shifts…
#16E—One Last Transition
In The Alley
And there it is… SANTA’S SLEIGH! (Likely, the “sled portion” with reins heading to the audience.) Mrs. Claus and Elves huddle around it. Santa holds a GARMENT BAG on a hanger.
JACK (to Santa)
You really think I can get this off the ground?
SANTA
I believe in you. Hurry, get in the suit.
Jack takes the garment bag and rushes off, as Cinnamon calls out.
CINNAMON
Hey, everyone—listen! The radio!
Cinnamon cranks up the RADIO on the sleigh.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
“The man in the Santa Suit was arrested on the Empire State Building insisting he was, quote, “the real Santa Claus.” But he was just Christopher Kringlemeyer, President of Kringlez Kidz. After his arrest, it’s come to light that Kringlemeyer is a bit of a Scrooge— allegedly, he’s been stealing money from the Children’s Charity for years. Seems like a chilly fall from the North Pole… to Sing Sing.”
Mrs. Claus shuts off the radio.
Well, he was kinda weird nice.
MRS. CLAUS
Everyone MURMURS in assent. Then, Rhubarb sees Jack approaching.
RHUBARB
Hot-cha-cha! Check out Jack!
Jack enters—in the SNAZZIEST MID-CENTURY SANTA SUIT you’ve ever seen! That’s one swingin’ Santa!
LUCY
That is one snazzy suit… Well done, Nick!
SANTA
Yeah, the old one needed a little zhuzh. So, I took it to my guy.
JACK (impressed)
You got a guy!
SANTA
Of course I got a guy! What kind of guy doesn’t have a guy?!
JACK
Let’s do this.
Jack and Lucy CLIMB into the sleigh. Jack takes the reins. Ready?
(Lucy nods)
“AWAY!”
(nothing happens, at first)
“AWAY!”
(still, nothing happens)
“AWAY! AWAY! AWAY!”
Oh no, it’s not flying…
(to Mrs. Claus, nervously)
They’ll get it… they have to…
Jack turns to Lucy, both unsure.
(JACK)
MRS. CLAUS
SANTA
JACK
I’m so sorry, Lucy. Even after all that studying…
Lucy smiles—that’s it!
Volume Twelve, remember?
LUCY
MUSIC enters. She recites from memory, taking his hand.
“Santa’s love takes his hand to bless his journey… They kiss in the winter air, a warm reminder of life’s truest magic.”
Lucy leans in and KISSES Jack. Suddenly, the SLEIGH ROCKS and they tumble onto the seat as it PREPARES TO LAUNCH.
#17—On Top Of The World / Best Day of My Life Reprise (Finale) Full Company
Everyone cheers as MUSIC enters. Santa turns to Mrs. Claus.
SANTA
Would you look at that? I thought I was the one who made the sleigh fly.
MRS. CLAUS
(smiling)
I know you did, dear.
The Clauses kiss as Lucy and Jack take the spotlight.
LUCY
IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY BETTER TELL THEM WHILE THEY’RE HERE ’CAUSE THEY JUST MAY RUN AWAY FROM YOU
(LUCY)
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT GOES WELL, THEN AGAIN, IT JUST DEPENDS ON HOW LONG A TIME IS LEFT FOR YOU…
I’VE HAD THE HIGHEST MOUNTAINS I’VE HAD THE DEEPEST RIVERS YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL, BUT LIFE KEEPS MOVING NOW TAKE IT IN BUT DON’T LOOK DOWN…
JACK
“Away… !”
And the sleigh… TAKES… OFF… ! LUCY
(as the clouds whip by)
’CAUSE I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD
BEEN WAITING ON THIS FOR A WHILE NOW PAYING MY DUES TO THE DIRT
I’VE BEEN WAITING TO SMILE BEEN HOLDING IT IN FOR A WHILE TAKE YOU WITH ME IF I CAN BEEN DREAMING OF THIS SINCE A CHILD
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD
JACK
I’VE TRIED TO CUT THESE CORNERS TRIED TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT I KEPT ON FALLING SHORT OF SOMETHING ENSEMBLE WHERE, OH WHERE IS THAT SOMETHING?
JACK
I COULDA GAVE UP THEN BUT THEN AGAIN I COULDN’T HAVE ’CAUSE I’VE TRAVELED ALL THIS WAY FOR SOMETHING ENSEMBLE
HE TRAVELED ALL THIS WAY! NOW, TAKE IT IN, BUT DON’T LOOK DOWN!
LUCY, JACK, & ENSEMBLE
’CAUSE I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD (EY-E-E-EY!)
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD (EY-E-E-EY!)
WAITING ON THIS FOR A WHILE NOW
PAYING MY DUES TO THE DIRT (LOOK AT ‘EM GO!)
I’VE BEEN WAITING TO SMILE (EY-E-E-EY!)
BEEN HOLDING IT IN FOR A WHILE (EY-E-E-EY!)
TAKE IT WITH ME IF I CAN BEEN DREAMING SINCE I WAS A CHILD
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
ALL
AND I KNOW IT’S HARD WHEN YOU’RE FALLING DOWN AND IT’S A LONG WAY UP WHEN YOU HIT THE GROUND BUT GET UP NOW—GET UP!
GET UP NOW!
AND I KNOW IT’S HARD WHEN YOU’RE FALLING DOWN AND IT’S A LONG WAY UP WHEN YOU HIT THE GROUND BUT GET UP NOW (GET UP NOW)
GET UP (GET UP NOW)
GET UP NOW
—I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
“Jack’s Apartment”—now Santa & Mrs. Claus’ Apartment
Music continues. It’s a month or two later. Lights hit MRS. CLAUS, in a modern “POWER” PANTS SUIT.
MRS. CLAUS
Hi, honey, I’m home! Something smells good!
SANTA enters, wearing an apron.
SANTA
Duck a l’orange with a black truffle dauphinoise and cherry clafoutis for dessert…
Santa kisses Mrs. Claus, taking her coat.
MRS. CLAUS
Scrump-diddly-umptious!
SANTA
How was Day One as President of Kringlez Kidz?
MRS. CLAUS
I took the subway! And, running the Pole prepared me perfectly—but instead of “elves,” we have “paid employees.” Plus, I’m gonna buy us a computer!
Santa puts his arm around her and leads her off.
SANTA
Tell me all about it over dinner… I love you, Mrs. Claus.
ALL
AND I KNOW IT’S HARD WHEN YOU’RE FALLING DOWN AND IT’S A LONG WAY UP WHEN YOU HIT THE GROUND BUT GET UP NOW—GET UP GET UP NOW
—I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
The North Pole
Jack, Lucy and Rhubarb. Rhubarb holds something under a sheet.
LUCY
As the North Pole’s Lead Toy Designer, I wanted to create a new toy to help young people create art. Art is for everyone.
RHUBARB
And she used state-of-the art technology, so anyone can… ETCH a SKETCH!
Rhubarb unveils an old-school ETCH-A-SKETCH!
LUCY
I call it: “The Double-Knob Doodle Box!”
JACK
I love it! Though the name needs work.
LUCY
Oh! And what if our next toy is a guy whose head is made out of a potato
JACK
Ho Ho Ho! I love you, Mrs. Claus.
The stage fills with characters from throughout the show!
ALL AHH! AHH!
LUCY, JACK, SANTA, & MRS. CLAUS
I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!
ALL
OOH! OOH! OOH!
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES
LUCY, JACK, SANTA, & MRS. CLAUS
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LI-I-I-I-I-I-IFE
‘CAUSE I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD
LUCY & MRS. CLAUS
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY
JACK & SANTA
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY
ALL OF OUR LIVES! IN THIS WONDERFUL WORLD!
END OF PLAY.
ALL
OUR LIFE! (OUR LIFE!) OUR LIFE! (OUR LIFE!)
OOH! OOH! OOH! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY
After the bows, a burst of bright swing music and the cast launches into a Christmas “Megamix”!
ALL
JOLLY OLD ST. NICHOLAS, LEAN YOUR EAR THIS WAY
DON’T YOU TELL A SINGLE SOUL WHAT I’M GONNA SAY CHRISTMAS EVE IS COMING SOON… NOW, YOU DEAR OLD MAN: WHISPER WHAT YOU’LL BRING TO ME— TELL ME IF YOU CAN! YES, YOU CAN! TELL ME IF YOU… CAN!
(the music shifts to a Latin beat)
JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH!
GROUP #1 (WOMEN)
JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY
GROUP #2 (MEN)
HAVE A HOLLY, JOLLY CHRISTMAS IT’S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR
ALL
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH!
JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAY
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE HORSE OPEN SLEIGH! AHH AHH AHH
More bright swing music.
I SEE TREES OF GREEN RED ROSES, TOO
(ALL)
I SEE THEM BLOOM FOR ME AND YOU
JACK & LUCY
AND I THINK TO MYSELF
“WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!”
“WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!” KIDS … MERRY CHRISTMAS! … MERRY CHRISTMAS! … AHH BAH! BAH! BOW!
Jack and Lucy step forward.
JACK & LUCY
YES, I THINK TO MYSELF
“WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!”
ALL
AHH… AHH AHH!