Libretto Vocal Book
Full and High School Versions Book by
Tina Fey
Music by
Jeff Richmond
Lyrics by
Nell Benjamin
Based on the Paramount Pictures film Mean Girls
WAIT!
BEFORE REHEARSING COPYRIGHT WARNING (SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE) All music, lyrics and dialogue from the Play contained in this book are the property of the Authors and are fully protected by copyright. Your organization’s performance license prohibits making any changes of any kind to the Play, including: • changes of music, lyrics, dialogue, sequence of songs and/or scenes, time period, setting, characters or characterizations or gender of characters in the Play; • adding new material (such as scenes or framing devices, characters or songs from any other version of the Play, including films); • omitting or adding any music, lyrics or dialogue.
Any unauthorized changes shall constitute a willful infringement of the authors’ copyright and may subject your organization to civil liabilities and criminal penalties under the United States Copyright Act and other applicable statutes.
THIS BOOK IS RENTED This book is the property of MTI and must be returned at the conclusion of your production. You may not duplicate any portion of these materials, disseminate them in any way, in whole or in part, including electronic or digital transmission and posting on the Internet, or use them for performances other than those specified in your organization’s license agreement.
A PERFORMANCE LICENSE IS REQUIRED Federal and international copyright law prohibit the public performance of the Play without a performance license. MTI's delivery of this script does not authorize you or your group to perform the Play in any manner whatsoever. For example, it does not matter whether your audience pays for their tickets or not; it does not matter if your group is a school or not. The law requires your organization to obtain a performance license from MTI prior to performing the Play. To obtain an MTI performance license, visit mtishows.com. For further information regarding the penalties for copyright infringement, please visit www.copyright.gov. To report any violation of the above terms, contact MTI at licensing@mtishows.com.
THANK YOU! Lyrics by Nell Benjamin, Published by Useful Yak Music (ASCAP), Administered by Kobalt Songs (ASCAP). Music by Jeffrey Richmond, Published by Jeffrey Richmond Music (ASCAP), Administered by Kobalt (ASCAP). All rights reserved.
(Last Revised—September 2025)
C HARA CT E RS
(in order of appearance) Janis Sarkisian—an “art freak” and social outcast, Janis is not afraid to be weird or make others uncomfortable. She paints herself as an objective observer, but, like so many of us, she longs to avenge the devastating events of eighth grade. Damian Hubbard—an outgoing, active member of the Student Activities Committee, Damian is a fiercely loyal friend to Janis and they have the close rapport of a comedy team. Cady Heron—a new junior at North Shore High School, Cady grew up in Africa and was home-schooled by her wildlife biologist mother. She is warm, bright, and strong enough to take on the Plastics. The emotional heart of our story. Ms. Heron—Cady’s intellectual mom, who can’t understand why her daughter is devolving before her eyes. (Doubles with Ms. Norbury and Mrs. George) Mr. Duvall—the principal of North Shore High, Mr. Duvall may have once taught computers at Joliet Penitentiary, but nothing prepared him for the harsh realities of out-of-control junior girls. Ms. Norbury—Cady’s world-weary calculus teacher, who pushes Cady to be her smartest self. (Doubles with Ms. Heron and Mrs. George) Kevin G.—the extremely driven captain of the North Shore Mathletes. He is a confident student and a decent rapper. Aaron Samuels—a cute boy with a good moral compass and a backbone. He’s not immune to all the female attention he gets, but he’s not going to let himself be a pawn in their chess game either. Regina George—the Queen Bee of the Plastics. When she shines her light on you, you feel like the most important person in the world. When that light goes cold, you want to die. She is regal, still, and “hot,” but at her most vulnerable moments, she is just a kid in over her head. Gretchen Wieners—one of the Plastics. Desperate to please Regina and to maintain her position in the Plastics, Gretchen is a nervous wreck. She is a “banker,” meaning she befriends people to “bank” their secrets so she can trade them later for her own benefit. Her fragility at times is heartbreaking. Karen Smith—one of the Plastics. Although her intellect and personality never had a chance to develop, Karen is essentially kind, relaxed, and a generous laugher. Mrs. George—Regina’s “cool mom,” desperate to look young and feel like one of the teens. She’s also desperate for Regina not to repeat her mistakes. (Doubles with Ms. Heron and Ms. Norbury)
—i—
C HAR AC T E RS ( CO N T ’ D ) ENSEMBLE—Mr. Buck, Dawn Schweitzer, French Teacher, Coach Carr, Glenn Cocco, Sonja Aquino, Band Geeks, Debate Team, Dance Team, Jason Weems, Caitlyn Caussin, Rachel Hamilton, Sophie, Lizzie Therman, Kyle, Kyle’s Friends, Lion, Stage Manager Kid, Teary Girl, Tyler Kimble, Mathletes (including Marwan Jitla), Mathletes Moderator, Marymount 1-2, Caroline Krafft, Shane Oman
C AST D O U B L I N G The following comprises the original doubling for the ensemble roles in MEAN GIRLS, from the Original London Production (2024): FEMALE 1 (F1) — Dawn Schweitzer FEMALE 2 (F2) — Lizzie Therman / Caroline Krafft FEMALE 3 (F3) — Caitlyn Caussin FEMALE 4 (F4) — Sophie FEMALE 5 (F5) — Dance Team / Teary Girl FEMALE 6 (F6) — Rachel Hamilton FEMALE 7 (F7) — French Teacher / Dance Team FEMALE 8 (F8) — Sonja Aquino MALE 1 (M1) — Debate Team / Shane Oman MALE 2 (M2) — Voice of Dawn Schweitzer / Marwan Jitla (Mathlete) MALE 3 (M3) — Coach Carr / Marymount 1 MALE 4 (M4) — Tyler Kimble / Mathlete MALE 5 (M5) — Mr. Buck / Jason Weems / Marymount 2 (Marymount Captain) MALE 6 (M6) — Glenn Cocco / Debate Team / Mathletes Moderator
—ii—
M USI C A L N U M B E RS Act I 1.
Overture............................................................................................................. 1
2.
Mean................................................................................................................... 2
3.
It Roars............................................................................................................... 3
3A.
Samuels, Aaron.................................................................................................. 9
3B.
It Roars (Reprise)............................................................................................. 12
4.
Where Do You Belong?.................................................................................... 13
4A.
Where Do You? (Playoff)................................................................................. 17
5.
Meet The Plastics.. ............................................................................................ 18
5A.
Pink Shirt.......................................................................................................... 23
6.
Apex Predator.................................................................................................. 27
6A.
Apex (Playoff).................................................................................................. 31
7.
What’s Wrong With Me?.. ................................................................................ 37
7A.
Those Bitches. . .................................................................................................. 39
7B.
Pretending To Like Regina.............................................................................. 40
8.
Stupid With Love............................................................................................. 42
9.
Sexy. . ................................................................................................................. 46
10.
Someone Gets Hurt.......................................................................................... 52
10A. Noooo!.............................................................................................................. 54 10B.
Obsessed Lesbian............................................................................................. 57
11.
Revenge Party (Part 1)..................................................................................... 58
11A. Revenge Party (Part 2)..................................................................................... 66
—iii—
M USI C AL NUMB E RS ( CO N T ’ D ) Act II 12.
Entr’Acte. . ......................................................................................................... 72
13.
Mean (Reprise)................................................................................................. 72
14.
Social Media Ethics.......................................................................................... 72
15.
I’m Blowing Up................................................................................................ 73
15A. I’m Blowing Up (Playoff) . . ............................................................................... 77 15B.
So Sad............................................................................................................... 79
16.
What’s Wrong? (Reprise)................................................................................. 82
17.
Whose House Is This? ..................................................................................... 85
17A. Whose House? (Tag)........................................................................................ 89 18.
More Is Better................................................................................................... 91
18A. Ahhhh!.............................................................................................................. 94 18B.
Someone Gets Hurt (Reprise).......................................................................... 96
19.
World Burn. . ..................................................................................................... 97
20.
I’d Rather Be Me.. ........................................................................................... 104
20A. I’d Rather Be Me (Tag). . ................................................................................. 107 20B.
How Regina Died........................................................................................... 108
20C.
Regina Goes To Disney.................................................................................. 110
20D. I’d Rather Be Drugs.. ...................................................................................... 113 21.
Stupid With Love (Reprise) / Mathletes Montage....................................... 114
21B.
Spring Fling.................................................................................................... 120
22.
I See Stars....................................................................................................... 121
23.
Bows.. .............................................................................................................. 124
23A. Don’t Be Mean................................................................................................ 124 24.
We’re Exiting. . ................................................................................................ 124
—iv—
Mean Girls
— 1 —
ACT I #1 —O v e r t u r e
NORTH SHORE HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM—DAY A North Shore High School banner reads “Welcome Freshmen.” JANIS and DAMIAN enter and address the audience from a mic on a stand.
DAMIAN Welcome, friends, to our second annual Mandatory Friendship Workshop. I’m Damian, co-chair of the Student Activities Committee don’t clap, and this is my work wife Janis.
JANIS Hello, I’m Janis.
DAMIAN Let’s begin with a gesture of fellowship. I would like everyone to turn to the person to your right… and look at the back of their head—’cause you all turned right—and say “I like your neck.”
(after people do it) Well done. The bare minimum, that’s all we’re asking of you today, as we explore—
Slide of the following text on screen: “What does it mean to be ‘a good person?’”
Slide of Dalai Lama on screen.
JANIS The Dalai Lama once said, “Be kind whenever possible.”
New slide of Dalai Lama on screen. But then he French-kissed a child. So. That’s cancelled.
Slide: handsome image of Jesus.
DAMIAN Jesus of Christ said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” But he was a nepo-baby with washboard abs and amazing hair, so, check your hot privilege, Jesus. The point is, the world is a difficult place. We have no role models.
JANIS So, we’re here to help you learn from our mistakes.
— 2 —
Mean Girls
DAMIAN We’re gonna tell you the story of our friend Cady. How she moved here from Kenya and how her dodgy decisions caused another girl to get hit by a bus. Actions and consequences!
JANIS holds up a painting of a smile with braces.
JANIS This painting I made will represent teenage female power.
She turns the painting vertical. DAMIAN takes out an 8x10 color photo of George Michael.
DAMIAN And this picture of George Michael… is something I like to hold when I’m singing.
#2 —M e a n JANIS IT’S A CAUTIONARY TALE OF FEAR AND LUST AND PRIDE, BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS WHERE PEOPLE DIED.
DAMIAN NO ONE DIED. BUT HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO TO BE POPULAR AND HOT? WOULD YOU RESIST TEMPTATION?
JANIS NO, YOU WOULD NOT! JUST ADMIT IT: SOMETIMES
JANIS & DAMIAN MEAN IS WHAT YOU ARE. MEAN IS EASIER THAN NICE. AND THOUGH MEAN CAN TAKE YOU FAR MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK TWICE.
DAMIAN KICK! LAYOUT! FOSSE!
JANIS & DAMIAN THIS IS A CAUTIONARY TALE ABOUT CORRUPTION AND BETRAY’L
Mean Girls
— 3 —
DAMIAN AND GETTING HIT BY A BUS!
JANIS YOU CAN’T BUY INTEGRITY AT THE MALL IT’S NOT FOR SALE.
DAMIAN Ooh. Nice.
JANIS & DAMIAN THIS IS A CAUTIONARY TALE.
DAMIAN
ENSEMBLE
Our story begins in Kenya… where Cady Heron dreamed of getting away from her mother but also felt guilty about it…
AHH AHH AHH AHH
#3 —I t R oar s CADY DID YOU EVER GET A FEELING THAT THE SKY COULD BE MUCH BLUER, THAT THE GRASS COULD BE MORE GREEN, THE HORIZON TWICE AS WIDE. IT STARTS SMALL, LIKE ALMOST HUMMING, THEN YOU FEEL YOUR HEART START DRUMMING AND BECOMING HARD TO HIDE. DID YOU EVER GET A FEELING EV’RYBODY ELSE IS HAPPY? EV’RYBODY ELSE HAS FRIENDS, AND THEY’RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN YOURS. IT’S A VERY RECENT FEELING AND IT’S RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY AND IT ROARS— IT ROARS. IT USED TO WHISPER. IT USED TO MUMBLE. IT SEEMED NO BIGGER THAN A SIGH.
— 4 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) IT WAS QUIET AND HUMBLE, NOW IT’S A RUMBLE, SHOUTING LIKE A BATTLE CRY— IT ROARS— LIKE A FIRE OR A LION! IT ROARS. A ROAR THAT ECHOES IN MY HEAD, DEMANDING TO BE FED, ASKING WHAT I’M WAITING FOR
MS. HERON Cady, I’ve been thinking about what you said. About being frustrated by my decision. About feeling stuck here with just me.
CADY I’m sorry I yelled. I’m menstruating.
MS. HERON I know. We’re synched up. But maybe I’ve been selfish in putting my research ahead of your social development.
CADY It doesn’t matter.
MS. HERON It does. I called the people at Northwestern back. I took the teaching job.
CADY What?
A smile spreads across CADY’s face.
MS. HERON But they want me to start on September ninth. It doesn’t give us much time to—
CADY jumps up and hugs her mother tightly.
CADY Thank you, mama! Thank you.
MS. HERON laughs as CADY excitedly gathers her things. We’re going to New York!
Mean Girls
— 5 —
MS. HERON Northwestern is in Illinois.
CADY We’re going to Illinois! IT ROARS LIKE A RIVER OVERFLOWING. IT ROARS LIKE A DAM ABOUT TO BURST IT ROARS “YOU’RE INCOMPLETE” AND IT’S CHILL AND IT’S HEAT AND IT’S THIRST. AM I THE FIRST? I CAN’T BE THE FIRST TO FEEL THIS— ROAR!
Transition to school. STUDENTS everywhere. CADY tries to make eye contact with them. They ignore her but she is undeterred. I HAVE DANCED WITH THE MAASAI I HAVE CLIMBED KILIMANJARO. WHO KNOWS WHAT I WILL DO TOMORROW?
CADY
ENSEMBLE
SO I’M RACING TO THE FUTURE,
RACING TO THE FUTURE,
‘CAUSE A WHOLE NEW WORLD IS WAITING
WHOLE NEW WORLD IS WAITING
TO BRING HAPPINESS AND FRIENDS
AH—
TO BRAVE GIRLS WHO EXPLORE MY NAME IS CADY HERON AND IT’S SO EXHILARATING WHAT’S IN STORE
AH—
AND I’M SURE
AH—
I’M GONNA ROAR!
ROAR ROAR ROAR ROAR!
She accidentally collides with a GIRL.
GIRL (F2) BITCH, MOVE!
MR. DUVALL WELCOME TO NORTH SHORE HIGH!
Song buttons.
— 6 —
Mean Girls
INT. MS. NORBURY’S CLASSROOM—MORNING MR. DUVALL introduces CADY to her HOMEROOM. It’s loud chaos. (Her teacher MS. NORBURY looks on.)
MR. DUVALL Hey! Settle down!
(they settle a little) We have a new student joining us. She just moved here from Kentucky—
CADY Kenya.
MR. DUVALL Kenya. Everybody welcome Caddy.
CADY It’s Cady.
MR. DUVALL Kay-dee? My apologies. I will commit that to memory. K.D. like the Canadian songstress K.D. Lang, and “heron” like the deadly street drug. Got it. Everyone this is Caddy—
STUDENTS (M6 / M1 / M5) No one cares! / Take your top off!
MR. DUVALL Hey now!
MS. NORBURY Okay—
MR. DUVALL gives the CLASS an “I’m watching you” gesture and exits. MS. NORBURY rescues CADY.
MS. NORBURY Cady, hi. I’m Ms. Norbury. I’ll be your homeroom teacher. Here’s your roster. I see I also have you in AP Calculus. You must have had excellent teachers at your old school.
CADY I was home-schooled.
MS. NORBURY Home-schooled. That’s a fun way to steal money from my union.
CADY Right, no, um, my mom is a biologist and we’ve been living in Kenya. But yeah, I love Calculus.
Mean Girls
— 7 —
MS. NORBURY That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. And I’ve been married twice.
(then) Okay, think you can follow this schedule?
CADY I think so.
MS. NORBURY Well don’t be shy. This can be overwhelming for a home-schooled student. You’re gonna be moving from class to class with each—
The bell rings and all the STUDENTS rotate their chairs a quarter turn. MS. NORBURY is replaced by a distracted old TEACHER.
MR. BUCK (M5) Welcome to first period language art, where we study classic American literature such as “Huck Finn” and the screenplays of the Harry Potter movies.
CADY (raises her hand) Excuse me?
MR. BUCK (M5) No questions!
JANIS You don’t want to sit there. Dawn Schweitzer puts her backpack there!
A quietly intimidating girl puts her backpack on the seat. CADY smiles and asks her:
CADY Could I sit here?
DAWN SCHWEITZER (F1 VOICED BY M2) (surprisingly deep voice*) It’s for my backpack.
CADY nods, terrified. The bell rings. The chairs rotate a quarter turn. A grouchy FRENCH TEACHER pops up.
FRENCH TEACHER (F7) Maintenant nous choisissons nos noms Francais. Cady, comment tu t’appelles?
CADY Je m’appelle Cady.
— 8 —
Mean Girls
FRENCH TEACHER (F7) Incorrect!
JANIS Pick your French name.
CADY The French people I know just call me Cady.
JANIS Just say Marie.
CADY Marie.
FRENCH TEACHER (F7) Marie.
The TEACHER points at JANIS.
JANIS / FRENCH TEACHER (F7) J’anice. / J’anice.
The TEACHER points at DAMIAN.
DAMIAN / FRENCH TEACHER (F7) Chanel! / No. Fantine! / No. Pretta Manger. / No.
The bell rings. Turn.
COACH CARR (M3) Welcome to “Health and Yuman Sexshiality.” This fall we’re gonna be doing the staterequired unit on Abstinence. And then in the spring, we do Condoms and Choking.
CADY heads for the door. Where do you think you’re going, hotshot?
CADY I need to urinate.
COACH CARR (M3) No way, José—
CADY It’s Cady.
Mean Girls
— 9 —
COACH CARR (M3) —You gotta ask permission and then you gotta carry this lavatory pass that’s a carving of a whale.
CADY May I please have the lavatory pass?
COACH CARR (M3) Nice try. You can go at lunch.
The bell rings. Turn. Calculus class. MS. NORBURY takes attendance.
MS. NORBURY Okay guys, this is AP Calculus. Let me know if you are here… Cocco, Glenn?
GLENN COCCO (M6) Here.
MS. NORBURY Ganatra, Kevin?
KEVIN G. Kevin G., truly present and looking forward to a successful year.
MS. NORBURY Thank you, Kevin.
(back to attendance) Heron, Cady?
CADY Here!
MS. NORBURY Samuels, Aaron?
AARON Here.
#3 A — Sam u e l s , A a r o n (then, to CADY) Hi, I’m Aaron.
— 10 —
Mean Girls
CADY Me Cady.
AARON Are you new?
CADY I just moved here. So I could have human friends.
MS. NORBURY Okay, let’s dive right in, friends. Chapter One, “Limits and Their Properties.” What the heck are limits, you say? If I write out the equation…
MS. NORBURY writes “lim (x+1)x->2” on her overhead projector… “The limit as ‘X’ approaches two of ‘X’ plus one,” the function is what we’re taking the limit of. I don’t expect you to know yet—
CADY The limit is three.
MS. NORBURY That’s right, actually. Let’s try another one. “Find the value of ‘K’ for which the following limit exists.” For the limit to exist we have to cancel (x minus three) from the denominator—
CADY “K” equals negative three.
MS. NORBURY Yes!
KEVIN G Damn, girl!
As MS. NORBURY writes out another problem…
AARON Wow. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel dumb?
CADY I’m not trying to. It’s just happening.
AARON (laughs) Oh it’s like that? Okay, challenge accepted. I’m gonna have to play at your level.
CADY is lost in AARON’s eyes when MS. NORBURY asks about the next problem.
Mean Girls
MS. NORBURY Okay Cady, what are we looking for here?
CADY (still in a trance) Sex.
(panic—embarrassed) Six! I didn’t say sex. I wouldn’t say that—What I meant was “Y equals sex.” NO!
STUDENTS laugh at her. (AARON politely hides his face.) CADY stands up to explain herself, banging into the attached desk, she grabs her crotch in pain. Ow, my pubic bone.
Bell rings. As the chairs slide away. Class peels away. Transition to:
— 11 —
— 12 —
Mean Girls
INT. BATHROOM—A LITTLE LATER #3 B — I t R oar s ( Re p r i s e ) CADY alone in the stall.
CADY
ENSEMBLE
DID YOU EVER GET A FEELING THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SO CLEVER AND YOU SPREAD YOUR WINGS TO FLY BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU… STALL.
PUBIC BONE
IT’S A REAL UNPLEASANT FEELING BUT IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER YOU WILL SOAR YOU WILL ROAR ONCE MORE.
She shuts the door. JANIS and DAMIAN enter, looking under the stall for sandals.
DAMIAN (female “teacher” voice) Hey! You’ve been in there a very long time. I’m concerned you are either doing drugs or having a toilet baby!
CADY No! I—
The stall door flies open and JANIS and DAMIAN stand there smiling.
JANIS Hi, I’m Janis.
DAMIAN And je m’appelle Sasha Fierce.
JANIS This is Damian. He’s almost too gay to function.
CADY I’m Cady.
DAMIAN Well Cady, as Junior Co-chair of the Student Activities Committee and his art freak, we volunteer to be your starter companions ‘til you find your place at North Shore.
Mean Girls
— 13 —
JANIS What he’s saying is, we’ll help you, Caddy.
CADY Thank you so much. But it’s Cady.
JANIS Yeah, I’m gonna call you Caddy.
DAMIAN When did you move here?
CADY Three days ago.
JANIS Why’d you stop being home-schooled?
CADY I wanted to get socialized.
DAMIAN Oh you’ll get socialized all right. A little slice like you.
SONJA AQUINO yells at DAMIAN.
SONJA AQUINO (F8) You’re not supposed to be in here!
DAMIAN Paddington, they found you!
(to CADY) Okay, Caddy. I once read on a tote bag that “everything fits somewhere.” So let’s get out there and pick your new life!
#4 —W he r e D o Yo u B e l o n g ? MY MAMA USED TO TELL ME: BABY GIRL, DON’T EVER EAT LUNCH ON THE JOHN.
JANIS Your mother called you “baby girl?”
— 14 —
Mean Girls
DAMIAN Singing. SO WHAT IF ALL THE DUCKLINGS THINK YOU’RE UGLY, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN A SWAN. IT TAKES ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, WHO NEED PEOPLE, SO FIND PEOPLE YOU CAN BEAR. WE’LL FIND YOUR GROUP, YOUR HERD, YOUR FLOCK. COME TAKE A WALK AND ANSWER MY SMALL QUESTIONNAIRE, WHICH I’LL SING TO YOU. AH AH AH AH… AH AH AH AH! WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG? YOU’LL BE JUDGED ON SIGHT AND MADE TO FIT, SO FIND A CLIQUE AND STICK WITH IT. SAY, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
Let’s take a walk around the cafeteria, shall we? I’ll show you the world, as I see it. VARSITY JOCKS AND JV JOCKS, THE WHOLE SCHOOL THINKS THEY’RE HEROES ‘CAUSE THEY PLAY WITH BALLS. THE YOUNG MARXISTS HATE THE WEALTHY PREPS, THOUGH THEY WILL STILL SELL THEM ADDERALLS. HERE’S THE SEX’LLY ACTIVE BAND GEEKS, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU: “EMBOUCHURE” AND “EW.” AND IF YOU LIKE BLOWING… AND FINGERING,
BAND GEEKS THIS IS THE GROUP FOR YOU!
DAMIAN Back me up, Show Choir!
Mean Girls
— 15 —
ENSEMBLE AH—
DAMIAN
ENSEMBLE
SAY, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
WHERE DO YOU BE–
WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
LONG?
ENSEMBLE BAH DI YA DAT DI YAT DAT!
DAMIAN WE ALL GET A BOX, THAT’S WHERE WE GO, IT’S STIFLING BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW. SO, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
ENSEMBLE BAH DI YA DAT DI YAT, BAH DI YAT, BAH DI YAT, ZWEE DA BAH DA BAH DOO BEE DA BAH ZAH BAH DOO DAY!
DAMIAN THERE’S GIRLS THAT EAT THEIR FEELINGS AND GIRLS THAT DON’T EAT. DON’T GO NEAR THEM WITH CHICKEN IN A BUCKET. THEY’LL KILL YOU.
DEBATE TEAM (M1/M6) DEBATE TEAM!
DANCE TEAM (F5/F7) AND DANCE TEAM!
DAMIAN & QUARTET (M1/M6/F5/F7) THEY LIKE TO COMPETE.
DAMIAN BUT NEITHER TEAM WOULD TAKE ME, SO THEY CAN SUCK IT.
CADY Who’s this?
— 16 —
Mean Girls
DAMIAN DARLING, THAT’S THE MATHLETES.
CADY COOL!
DAMIAN JOINING THEM IS SOCIAL SUICIDE.
DAMIAN
ENSEMBLE
IT’S ALL COLLEGE APPLICATIONS
COLLEGE APPLICATIONS
AND DOCTOR WHO QUOTATIONS
AND DOCTOR WHO QUOTATIONS
THEY WEAR THEIR AWKWARDNESS WITH STUBBORN PRIDE.
DAMIAN This is my dance break. WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
DAMIAN
ENSEMBLE
WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
DAMIAN Big mistake dance team!
DAMIAN
ENSEMBLE
WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
DAMIAN YOU’LL BE JUDGED ON SIGHT, VOTED IN OR OUT. ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHAT HIGH SCHOOL’S ALL ABOUT!
DAMIAN & ENSEMBLE WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
DAMIAN BUT… WHO IS AT THIS TABLE? WHY, IT’S JANIS!
JANIS AND DAMIAN TOO!
Mean Girls
— 17 —
ENSEMBLE OOH!
DAMIAN & JANIS WE’RE NOT EXACTLY “JOINERS.” BUT WE’LL BE GOOD FRIENDS TO YOU, SO TRUST YOUR GUT NO RUSH, GIRL, BUT
DAMIAN & JANIS
ENSEMBLE
CHOOSE US BEFORE
AH—
MY/HIS BROADWAY STRUT
AH—
ENSEMBLE (EXCEPT CADY) HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG! HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG! HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG! HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!
DAMIAN YOU NEED PROTECTION WITH PIZZAZZ! AND HELPING HANDS
DAMIAN & ENSEMBLE THAT ALSO JAZZ!
DAMIAN
JANIS & ENSEMBLE
STAY! HERE WHERE YOU BELONG…
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,
STAY! HERE—
STAY HERE…
CADY OKAY, I’M STAYIN’!
DAMIAN YES!
JANIS, DAMIAN, & ENSEMBLE HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!
#4 A — W he r e D o Y o u ? ( P l a y o f f )
— 18 —
Mean Girls
CADY Whoa. Who’s at that table there?
Gasps of horror. DAMIAN grabs CADY and turns her head away.
DAMIAN Don’t look at them. Just don’t.
#5 —M e e t Th e P l a s t i c s WE CALL THOSE THREE “THE PLASTICS” THEY’RE SHINY, FAKE, AND HARD.
JANIS THEY PLAY THEIR LITTLE MIND GAMES ALL AROUND THE SCHOOL YARD.
DAMIAN THEY MIGHT INSULT YOUR CLOTHING, OR MAKE FUN OF YOUR NAME.
JANIS LIKE THEY MOCKED JEN MOORECOCK ‘TIL SHE BURST INTO FLAME!
DAMIAN And Ms. Moorecock was a teacher.
JANIS Regina George is the Queenbee. She’s always dressed up. She always wins Spring Fling Queen. We’re just drones who work for her then die.
REGINA
ENSEMBLE
MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE. AND I AM A MASSIVE DEAL. FEAR ME. LOVE ME.
AH—
STAND AND STARE AT ME.
AH—
REGINA & DAMIAN AND THESE? THESE ARE REAL.
REGINA I’VE GOT MONEY AND LOOKS. I AM, LIKE, DRUNK WITH POWAH. THIS WHOLE SCHOOL HUMPS MY LEG
Mean Girls
(REGINA) LIKE A CHIHUAHUA. I’M THE PRETTIEST POISON YOU’LL EVER SEE. ALL THE FILTERS YOU USE LOOK JUST LIKE ME. MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE. AND I AM A MASSIVE DEAL. I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL.
JANIS That’s Gretchen Wieners. She knows everything about everybody.
DAMIAN That’s why her hair’s so big. It’s full of secrets.
GRETCHEN YES. REGINA. NO, REGINA. EV’RY WAKING HOUR I SPEND MAKING SURE REGINA GEORGE CAN STAY IN POWER. IF REGINA IS THE SUN, THEN I’M A DISCO BALL. ‘CAUSE I’M JUST AS BRIGHT AND FUN, IF YOU’VE HAD ALCOHOL. I WORM YOUR SECRETS OUT OF YOU SO I CAN STAY IN FAVOR. THEN WATCH REGINA SLAY YOU WITH THE INTEL THAT I GAVE HER.
JANIS & DAMIAN BAD BEHAVIOR!
GRETCHEN REGINA IS THE QUEEN, BUT I’M THE BISHOP OR THE HORSE, OR I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T PLAY CHESS— WHATEVER PIECE IS THE ENFORCER.
JANIS That is Karen Smith. The dumbest person you will ever meet.
DAMIAN I once saw her put a “d” in the word “orange.”
— 19 —
— 20 —
Mean Girls
KAREN MY NAME IS KAREN. MY HAIR IS SHINY. MY TEETH ARE PERFECT. MY SKIRT IS TINY. IT BARELY COVERS MY PERKY HEINY. MY NAME IS KAREN, I MAY NOT BE SMART… !
(beat) That’s it.
REGINA “wakes up” from her freeze.
REGINA Wait. Why don’t I know you?
CADY I don’t know. I’m new here. I used to be home-schooled.
REGINA Wait, what?
CADY I just moved here from Africa.
REGINA Shut up!
(beat) Shut up!
CADY I didn’t say anything.
REGINA You’re like, really pretty.
CADY Thanks.
REGINA So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?
CADY Oh, I don’t know…
Mean Girls
— 21 —
REGINA takes CADY by the wrist and examines her bracelet.
REGINA Oh my God, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?
CADY My mom made it.
GRETCHEN It’s so fetch.
REGINA What is “fetch?”
GRETCHEN It’s like slang… from England.
KAREN Have you ever touched a tiger?
CADY No, those are mostly in India.
KAREN ‘Cause that’s one of my life goals. To not touch a tiger.
JASON WEEMS (M5) Hey, New Girl, you wanna see a trick? I can guess any girl’s bra size. All you gotta do is jump one time—
GRETCHEN Ew, Jason—
KAREN Do me!
REGINA Oh my God, Jason, stop skeezing on the new girl. No one thinks you’re funny and your teeth look like corn. Also this thing you’re doing where you try to lower your voice when you talk is making people sad.
(to the CROWD) Maybe we should vote. Anyone who would like Jason Weems to go back to his normal voice please raise your hand.
EVERYONE raises their hand obediently. JASON scurries away.
— 22 —
Mean Girls
JASON WEEMS (M5) (under his breath) Bitch.
REGINA (to CADY, processing) Wow. You’re really gonna get noticed around here. We should help you. Can you give us some privacy?
They confer amongst themselves. CADY waits awkwardly. RIGHT. WE NEVER REALLY DO THIS, BUT HOW’D YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH US THIS WEEK?
CADY Oh, it’s okay—
REGINA NO. NO NEED FOR YOU TO THANK US.
CADY But—
REGINA THERE’S NO NEED TO EVEN SPEAK.
GRETCHEN YOU’RE NEW AND YOU DON’T KNOW THINGS. YOU NEED GOOD FRIENDS WHO CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK. SEE YOU HERE SAME TIME TOMORROW.
KAREN ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK!
PLASTICS ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK! WEAR SOMETHING NICE AND GRAB A TRAY, ‘CAUSE WE DON’T DO THIS EV’RY DAY. SAY HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,
GRETCHEN SAY—
KAREN SAY—
Mean Girls
REGINA SAY—
PLASTICS HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG.
REGINA NO, REALLY SAY IT. SAY
PLASTICS & CADY HERE’S WHERE I/YOU BELONG!
GRETCHEN COME SIT WITH US TOMORROW, IT’LL BE FETCH!
The PLASTICS stride out. JANIS and DAMIAN flutter excitedly around CADY.
CADY They want me to have lunch with them all week—
JANIS (delighted) Hahaha! That is tits!—
DAMIAN (immediately explaining) —She means, “that’s great!”
#5 A — P i nk Shi r t CADY —but I already said I’d sit with you guys. Maybe we could all have lunch togeth—
JANIS & DAMIAN Never! / Not really an option.
CADY I don’t know why you hate them so much. Regina seems kind of cool.
JANIS Regina George is not cool! She’s a scum-sucking fart-mouth life ruiner!
DAMIAN Janis hates Regina because when we were in eighth grade—
— 23 —
— 24 —
Mean Girls
JANIS Damian! Shall we not?! Caddy, take their offer. And then come back and tell us every stupid moronic thing they say.
CADY Like spy on them? Isn’t that bad?
JANIS Caddy, we’re your friends. Would we ask you to do something bad?
CADY (thinks, then) Do you have a pink shirt I can borrow?
JANIS
DAMIAN Yaasss. What shade?
No.
JANIS and DAMIAN address the audience.
JANIS The color pink is not universally linked with femininity. In India, men wear pink turbans to religious festivals.
DAMIAN In Switzerland, they paint prison cells pink, to keep the inmates calm. Which is fun!
JANIS But here in Western Culture, pink is a color for girls—
DAMIAN —and for the girl rockets at a gender reveal party when you want to start a really binary forest fire.
CADY enters in an oversized pink polo shirt.
JANIS And pretty soon Cady learned that wearing pink on Wednesday was just one of a million rules the Plastics lived by.
DAMIAN pops her collar, then sits her at the Plastics’ table, where GRETCHEN is midconversation.
GRETCHEN You can’t wear a tank top two days in a row and you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week. So, I guess you picked today. Oh, and we only wear sweats or, track pants on Fridays. If you break any of these rules, you can’t sit with us at lunch. I
Mean Girls
— 25 —
(GRETCHEN) mean, not just you, like, any of us. Like, if I were wearing sweatpants today, I’d have to sit over there with the Art Freaks.
She indicates JANIS and DAMIAN who make weird faces…
CADY That seems fair.
REGINA A hundred and twenty calories and forty-eight calories from fat. What percent is that?
GRETCHEN Forty-eight into a hundred and twenty?
KAREN There’s no way of knowing.
REGINA (impatient) I’m only eating foods with less than thirty percent calories from fat.
CADY It’s forty percent. Forty-eight over a hundred and twenty equals “x” over hundred, and then you cross-multiply and get the value of “x.”
The PLASTICS look at CADY like she has three heads.
REGINA Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.
REGINA exits. GRETCHEN goes with her. Only KAREN remains. AARON passes.
AARON Hey, I’m—
CADY I remember.
AARON (re: crotch injury) Is your… area… okay?
CADY The nurse had me ice it.
He laughs.
— 26 —
Mean Girls
AARON See you tomorrow.
CADY Ok, goodnight!
CADY winces, that didn’t make sense. AARON leaves, amused. KAREN is impressed.
KAREN Wow. That was like a conversation I would have on a Spanish test I failed.
KEVIN G. appears, carrying a small Tiffany-style box.
KEVIN G. Ms. Heron, I’m Kevin Ganatra, captain of the North Shore Mathletes. We’re a very chill, dope, extra-curricular activity. And Ms. Norbury says we’d get twice as much funding if we have a girl, so… on behalf of my associates…
He gets down on one knee, offering CADY the box. We’d like to offer you this TI-85 calculator. Would you do us the honor of joining our team?
CADY Oh, um—
GRETCHEN re-enters.
GRETCHEN You can’t join Mathletes. It’s social suicide.
REGINA re-enters, joining the conversation.
REGINA Mathletes? Ew, no. Why is he by our table?
KEVIN G. I can hear you, by the way.
REGINA Can you hear me now?
She waves and mouths the word “bye.”
KEVIN G. (to CADY) Take my card in case you change your mind.
(re: card) I also deejay. *WompWomp* And I designed that font, so… byeeeee!
Mean Girls
— 27 —
He exits, dignity intact.
REGINA Damn. You are so lucky you have us to guide you. Meet me after school. I wanna buy you some clothes.
CADY (thrown) Oh, thanks.
The PLASTICS stride away as JANIS and DAMIAN sneak over.
#6 —A pe x P r e d a t o r JANIS What did she say?
CADY Did you see how she chewed up that boy to protect me?
JANIS Yeah, she’s rude.
CADY No. She’s the apex predator.
DAMIAN The what?
CADY They’re predators, but if you’re on their good side, you can have a symbiotic or commensal relationship—
JANIS (immediate rage) Regina George has no good side! Be careful, Caddy. It’s like you said. She’s a predator. DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE PINK, SHE IS NOT PLAYING DOLLS. SHE IS STALKING THE HALLS, FOR THE THRILL OF THE KILL. EV’RY PERSON IN SCHOOL, IS AWARE OF HER STARE. WHEN SHE TOSSES HER HAIR THEY GO PERFECTLY STILL.
— 28 —
Mean Girls
(JANIS) ALL THEIR EYES SAY “DON’T ATTACK ME.” WATCH THEM SWEAT AND PANT AND SHAKE. EV’RY FOOD CHAIN HAS ITS ACME: REGINA GEORGE EATS STEAK. SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS, SHE CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR, IN THIS BIOSPHERE SHE’S THE APEX PREDATOR, LIKE A LIONESS, ONLY WITH LESS FUR. DO NOT MESS WITH HER, SHE’S THE APEX PREDATOR.
Mean Girls
— 29 —
INT. MALL—AFTERNOON STUDENTS congregate.
CAITLYN CAUSSIN (F3) Regina George saved my life once! ‘Cause one time at Wiener Circle, she saw that I was choking, and she told me to stop choking. And I did!
RACHEL HAMILTON (F6)
RACHEL HAMILTON [ALT]
Regina George is considered the prettiest girl in school. And I’m like, okay white people.
Regina George is considered the prettiest girl in school. And I’m like, okay, but when did we vote?
SOPHIE (F4) When Regina George is around, I feel like no one can even see me. Like I don’t even—
Light off SOPHIE.
LIZZIE THERMAN (F2) Okay here’s what’s crazy. They tell us to be ourselves. They tell us looks don’t matter. And then they literally have a contest once a year where we give Regina a crown. This is why I have to be high every day.
REGINA (re: shoes in window) Cady, come here. You need those suede heels.
CADY Oh, that’s okay. I already have dress shoes. I don’t need more.
REGINA More is always better. Trust me.
GRETCHEN & KAREN (like birds) The shoes! Buy them! Buy, buy!
CADY AT THE WATERING HOLE, SEE THE GIRLS WHO WEREN’T NICE HAVE TO SCATTER LIKE MICE FROM A JUNGLE CAT. AND THOUGH JANIS IS GREAT, SHE DOES NOT HAVE THIS POWER
— 30 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) PEOPLE LIT’RALLY COWER. JANIS CAN’T DO THAT. SEE US MARK OUR TERRITORY, AS I FOLLOW IN HER TRAIN. I WAS VICTIM. I WAS QUARRY. NOW I SHAKE MY MANE. SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS, AND I’M IN HER PRIDE, I HAVE HITCHED A RIDE WITH THE APEX PREDATOR, AND IT’S KIND OF FUN, WHEN SHE BARES HER CLAWS; WHEN I’M SAFE BECAUSE I’M WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.
GRETCHEN So, have you seen any guys you think are cute yet?
CADY There’s this guy in my Calculus class. Aaron Samuels?
GRETCHEN squawks like a bird.
GRETCHEN Kaaa-Kaaa-Kaaah! No! That’s Regina’s ex-boyfriend. He just broke up with her this summer.
KAREN I thought she dumped him for Shane Oman?
GRETCHEN Irregardless! Ex-boyfriends are off limits to friends. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.
(to CADY) Don’t worry. I’ll never tell Regina what you said.
GRETCHEN & KAREN (run to REGINA) Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Mean Girls
CADY DID I THINK I’D BE PROTECTED BY MY NEW EXOTIC PET? NOT A CHANCE, IF SHE SUSPECTED I WAS ANY KIND OF REPRODUCTIVE THREAT. BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW YET, NO,
CADY & JANIS SHE DOESN’T KNOW YET…
REGINA hands CADY a shoe box. SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS, AT THIS BEASTLY SCHOOL: GOT TO KEEP THINGS COOL WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.
CADY SO I’M KIND OF FRIENDS,
JANIS BUT YOU’RE KIND OF PREY—
CADY JESUS, WHAT A DAY
CADY & JANIS WITH THE APEX PREDATOR, WILL SHE BRAID YOUR HAIR? WILL SHE EAT YOUR HEART? HOW CAN YOU OUTSMART THE APEX PREDATOR?
Song buttons.
#6 A — A pe x ( P l a y o f f )
— 31 —
— 32 —
Mean Girls
INT. REGINA’S HOUSE—A LITTLE LATER CADY Wow. Your room is really nice.
REGINA I know, right? It was my parents’ room, but I made them trade me.
(then, curtly) Gretchen, move.
GRETCHEN gets out of REGINA’s way.
GRETCHEN Sorry! Ugh, my hips are so wide.
The PLASTICS examine themselves in the mirror.
REGINA I need to lose three pounds.
KAREN My ankles are like dog ankles.
They look at CADY expectantly.
CADY I’m not sure what we’re doing, but… me too. I’m ugly too.
The PLASTICS return to the mirror. MRS. GEORGE bursts in. She has large fake boobs and carries a huge iced beverage with a straw. She also wears pink.
MRS. GEORGE O.M.F., you guys are so busted!
GRETCHEN & KAREN Hi, Mrs. George!
MRS. GEORGE Did you rizz kweens come in through the garage? I didn’t even hear you.
REGINA Maybe that was on purpose.
MRS. GEORGE approaches CADY.
MRS. GEORGE Well, who are you?! We haven’t had new meat in our little lady taco in so long!
Mean Girls
— 33 —
REGINA Mom.
CADY I’m Cady Heron. I just moved here.
KAREN From Kenya!
MRS. GEORGE Well welcome, Cady, welcome to America.
(“one of the girls”) Have you seen any guys you think are cute yet?
KAREN and GRETCHEN glare at CADY.
CADY Um… no.
MRS. GEORGE Well it’s just a matter of time. I always say, this school district has the highest taxes but the hottest boys, so—
REGINA Ew.
MRS. GEORGE Oh, Regina! You’ll never guess what I found in the back of your closet!
REGINA Why were you in my closet?
MRS. GEORGE I was doing that Japanese organizing thing where you take a little nap in the closet. Anyway, I found your—
(holds it up) Buuurnbooooook! Cady, this was just the funniest thing they used to do—
REGINA Mommy, please leave.
MRS. GEORGE You got it, baby. But I’ll be right downstairs if you guys need to talk to me about anything, okay? Deep stuff, boy troubles, blackheads, alcohol poisoning—I’ve been through it all! I’m not a “regular mom,” I’m @coolmom, twenty-three hundred followers. Hashtag belly tea. Hashtag aging hotly. Hashtag—
— 34 —
Mean Girls
REGINA Get out.
MRS. GEORGE (“in on the joke”) Okay, okay, I’m going. Aw, I love you gals so much! Enjoy your smooth faces and your tiny butts! ‘Cause it goes so quick. It goes real quick.
She exits. KAREN flips through the Burn Book.
KAREN Oh my God, we haven’t looked at this Burn Book in forever.
GRETCHEN Check it out, Cady. We cut out people’s pictures from the yearbook and then we wrote comments.
(reading) “Trang Pham is a grotsky little beyotch.”
REGINA Still true.
GRETCHEN “Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.”
REGINA Still half true.
GRETCHEN (laughs) “Janis Sarkisian. Pyro Lez.” I forgot about that.
CADY takes this in.
REGINA Oh my God, she’s so weird.
CADY She is? She’s in my homeroom.
REGINA Well watch out ‘cause she’s mental. People think she’s really good at art but it’s ‘cause she had to do “art therapy.”
GRETCHEN Regina and Janis were best friends in middle school.
Mean Girls
— 35 —
REGINA She was, like, obsessed with me. When I got my first boyfriend Kyle, she lit my backpack on fire. So.
CADY is pulled up. Is Janis dangerous?
KAREN (re: photo in book) Who’s that?
GRETCHEN That’s that kid Damian.
CADY (chuckles) Yeah, he’s almost too gay to function.
The PLASTICS laugh. CADY worries that she talked out of turn. I didn’t mean that in a bad way—
REGINA No. That’s funny. Put that in there.
As GRETCHEN writes it in…
GRETCHEN Cady, don’t worry. We only write stuff about “randos” in here. Friends are, like, very deserving of respect and—
REGINA —Gretchen, she gets it.
(then) Karen, come with me. I wanna change your eyebrows.
REGINA leads KAREN to the bathroom. GRETCHEN follows.
KAREN Can I still have two?
GRETCHEN Do you need me to come with, or… ? I could film it—?
REGINA shuts the door, leaving GRETCHEN outside. Okay!
— 36 —
Mean Girls
(GRETCHEN) (to CADY) So Cady are you having so much fun with us?
CADY Yeah! How long were Regina and Aaron a couple?
GRETCHEN All last year. Did Regina seem mad at me?
CADY I don’t know. Is she the kind of girl that he likes usually? With makeup and stuff?
GRETCHEN Yes. She did seem mad at me, I think. It started when I burped in the car. But I’m talking too much. Let’s talk about you. Are you a virgin?
CADY What?
GRETCHEN You don’t have to tell me. But just know that I’m very trustworthy. Karen’s had sex with eleven people and I’ve never told anyone.
CADY That’s good of you.
REGINA and KAREN laugh offstage.
GRETCHEN They’re laughing!
(calls through the door) What? What happened that was funny?
No answer.
CADY Are you okay?
GRETCHEN Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s just… sometimes I feel like an iPhone without a case. Like, I know I’m worth a lot, and I have a lot of good functions, but at any time I could just shatter.
Mean Girls
#7 —W hat ’ s W r o n g W i t h M e ? REGINA and KAREN laugh offstage. GRETCHEN knocks on the door.
(GRETCHEN) Regina! Let me in! I’m sorry about the car burp! TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME, MY BODY, FACE, MY HAIR. TELL ME ALL MY MANY FAULTS. TELL ME LIKE YOU CARE, WHEN WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE CRUEL, AND WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT. I COULD LISTEN TO YOU, LIKE A FOOL ALL NIGHT. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? HOW I SPEAK? HOW I DRESS? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? YOU KEEP ME GUESSING. MAMA CALLED ME “BEAUTIFUL.” DON’T BELIEVE HER ANYMORE. NOW I’M LIST’NING TO YOU. WHAT DO I DO THAT FOR? PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME. MM… TELL ME WHO WE HATE TODAY, AND I WILL FALL IN LINE. HUG ME WHILE MY SHOULDERS TENSE AND WE’LL PRETEND WE’RE FINE. THOUGH WE BOTH KNOW ONE DAY THERE’LL BE BLOOD ON THE FLOOR, BUT WHICH ONE WILL BETRAY THE OTHER MORE?
CADY I’m gonna go home now.
GRETCHEN Okay. Fun. See you tomorrow!
— 37 —
— 38 —
Mean Girls
(GRETCHEN) WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHERE IS MY MIND? WHERE DOES IT END? MAYBE I NEED TO FIND A BETTER FRIEND? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? COULD IT BE YOU? —IT’S PROB’LY ME. SEE THAT? YOU SEE? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? MM… MM… MM…
Mean Girls
— 39 —
EXT. SCHOOL—THE NEXT DAY #7 A — Thos e B i t c h e s CADY walks with JANIS and DAMIAN, wobbling in her new heels.
CADY —and they have this book. This Burn Book where they write mean things about girls in our grade.
JANIS What does it say about me?
CADY You’re not in it.
JANIS Those bitches!
DAMIAN finds CADY’s Kälteen bar.
DAMIAN What is this? Can I eat it?
CADY It’s a Kälteen bar.
(off their blank looks) My mom used to give them to elderly people in Kapedo to help them gain weight.
DAMIAN I can feel it working.
JANIS (excited at the idea) We should grind those up into Regina’s food—
CADY (cuts her off) Nooo, Janis! I’ll keep eating lunch with them. That’s it!
— 40 —
Mean Girls
#7 B — P r e t e ndi ng T o L i k e R e gi n a DAMIAN turns out with flair!
DAMIAN And so she did! Cady spent weeks pretending to like Regina.
Mean Girls
— 41 —
INT. CALCULUS CLASS, A MONTH LATER—DAY CADY sits next to AARON.
JANIS And for real liking Aaron in the “safe space” of AP Calculus.
DAMIAN Cady tried for weeks to start a conversation but, because she hadn’t experienced the social growth of middle school, she was measurably awkward.
CADY taps AARON on the shoulder.
CADY Hey. Do you like gum?
AARON smiles and holds his hand out.
AARON Sure.
CADY Oh. I don’t have any. I was just…
Awkward beat. He turns back around. CADY is mortified.
DAMIAN (amused) Jesus.
JANIS And if Aaron talked to her, she glitched.
AARON turns to her.
AARON Hey, what’s the date today?
CADY Uhhhhhm… uhhh…
CADY smiles, lost in his eyes.
DAMIAN & JANIS (side-coaching) You know this. / This is an easy one.
— 42 —
Mean Girls
JANIS (re: audience) Even these guys know it.
DAMIAN Today’s date, girl. Just say the date.
ENSEMBLE “oohs” build to a crescendo as CADY smiles, frozen. Just as AARON laughs and gives up, turning around, CADY blurts, too loud:
CADY It’s October third!
AARON is startled. JANIS and DAMIAN laugh and hide their faces in embarrassment.
MS. NORBURY Eyes up front please.
DAMIAN But bless her heart, she kept trying to flirt—
AARON I like your shirt.
CADY Thanks! It smells like sausage from the last time I wore it.
He nods politely and turns around. CADY cringes.
JANIS —And she stayed terrible at it.
#8 —St upi d W i t h L o v e CADY THIS ISN’T FAIR. I SOUND SO DUMB. —WHICH I AM NOT. MY BRAIN’S MY THING. WHY’S IT MALFUNCTIONING? JUST ‘CAUSE HE’S VERY, VERY HOT? I SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. IT’S JUST ABSURD— DON’T SEE THE BOARD OR THE EQUATION.
Mean Girls
(CADY) WHY CAN’T I DEAL? BECAUSE I’M FILLED WITH CALCULUST. NOT A WORD. I’VE LOST THE POWER OF CONVERSPLATION! BECAUSE HE MAKES ME FEEL, SO STUPID WITH LOVE. LIKE I DON’T GET IT. I DON’T GET IT, SOMEHOW. SMART WITH MATH BUT STUPID WITH LOVE. WHY DON’T I GET IT? I WANNA GET IT… RIGHT NOW.
I have shoes on!
AARON I noticed. New style for you?
CADY Yeah, Regina bought them for me.
AARON (pulled up) Regina? I didn’t know you guys were friends.
CADY Oh sorry you just broke up with her last summer, right?
AARON No it’s fine. IT’S ALL ON ME. WITH HER, I TRIED TO BE SOMEBODY COOL.
CADY You’re already cool.
AARON Thanks. THAT’S LOVE, I GUESS: YOU TRY HARD TO IMPRESS. BUT END UP ACTING LIKE A TOOL.
— 43 —
— 44 —
Mean Girls
(AARON) REGINA HAD TO BE THE BOSS REGINA NEVER HAS ENOUGH. IT GOT EXHAUSTING.
CADY IT SOUNDS FRUSTRATING.
AARON SHE’D SAY “DON’T KISS ME!” ‘CAUSE HER GLOSS IT’S PRICEY STUFF WITH THE CONSISTENCY OF FROSTING, UCH, I’M SWEARING OFF DATING
CADY SHIT.
AARON
CADY
I JUST GET STUPID WITH LOVE.
STUPID WITH LOVE.
I JUST DON’T GET IT. I’LL NEVER GET IT. I JUST DON’T GET IT I’LL NEVER GET IT, SOMEHOW.
HOW?
ALL I GET IS
ALL I GET IS
STUPID WITH LOVE.
STUPID WITH LOVE.
I JUST DON’T GET IT.
I’LL NEVER GET IT.
I JUST DON’T GET IT.
I’LL NEVER GET IT.
AARON You’ll never get what?
CADY What? Um. This problem! I don’t get any of it.
AARON It’s a factorial. You multiply it.
CADY Ohhhh. Thanks. You’re so smart.
Mean Girls
— 45 —
JANIS Don’t sleep on that! She just pretended to be dumb to get a boy to like her. And it worked. ‘Cause that shit always works.
AARON Hey. We’re having a party at my friend Chris’ this weekend. You wanna come?
CADY Me?
AARON Yes. It’s a Halloween costume party. People get pretty into it.
CADY Grool.
(hearing it) I meant to say “great” but then I started to say “cool.”
AARON Okay, grool.
CADY (“astounded” bridge) WHEN I HID MY INTELLECT, GOT A DATE. CAUSE AND EFFECT. THAT EQUATION IS CORRECT, FROM THIS WE CAN INFER: INTERACTION WILL OCCUR IF I ACT MORE STUPID-ER. IS THAT MACHIAVELLIAN? SURE! BUT HE’LL PREFER IF I’M, ON PURPOSE—
CADY
ENSEMBLE & KEVIN G.
STUPID WITH LOVE!
AH-HOO
THAT’S HOW I GET IT.
HMM
WATCH THIS GIRL SELF-EDUCATE.
AH-HOO HMM
I LEARNED MATH,
AH-HOO
SO I CAN LEARN LOVE.
HMM
YOU WANNA BET IT?
AH—
THAT I CAN GET IT?
AH—
— 46 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) JUST WAIT. JUST WAIT. JUST WAIT!
Song buttons. CADY exits. JANIS and DAMIAN exit. Lights up on KAREN.
#9 —Se x y KAREN Hi. IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD, I’D MAKE IT HALLOWEEN. EV’RY SINGLE DAY. AND ALSO HAVE WORLD PEACE. MAYBE WORLD PEACE SHOULD BE FIRST. WORLD PEACE AND THEN HALLOWEEN.
Wait, let me start over.
KAREN exits the stage, then re-enters. Hi. IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD, I’D MAKE US HAVE WORLD PEACE, AND ALSO HALLOWEEN. EV’RY SINGLE DAY. ON HALLOWEEN YOU CAN PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. IT’S LIKE THE INTERNET, ONLY IN PERSON AND WITH CANDY. WHEN YOU ARE THE HOT ONE, IT’S A FULL TIME GIG, LOOKING LIKE WHAT PEOPLE WANNA SEE.
ENSEMBLE WHO-OA! WHO-OA!
KAREN BUT ONCE A YEAR I’M NOT: I DRESS UP AND DREAM BIG,
Mean Girls
— 47 —
(KAREN) DISGUISED AS SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT ME, BUT IS STILL HOT! I CAN BE WHO I WANNA BE, AND SEXY! I CAN BE WHO I WANNA BE, AND HOT! DON’T LIKE WHO YOU ARE? THEN HIT THAT COSTUME SHOP, ROCK A NEW DIFF’RENT SEXY LOOK! WHY BE SO DOWN-HEARTED? BLAST SOME TRASHY POP AND DROP IT TO THIS HOT AND SEXY HOOK! I CAN BE WHO I WANNA BE, AND SEXY! I CAN BE WHO I WANNA BE, AND HOT!
KAREN & GIRLS BE SOMEBODY NEW. DO A TOTAL TRANSFORMATION.
KAREN ANIMAL OR MIN’RAL TOO, OR EVEN VEGETATION. I GIVE YOU: SEXY CORN!
KAREN
GIRLS
I CAN BE WHO I WANT TO BE… AND SEXY!
AND SEXY!
AS SEXY QUINT FROM SEXY JAWS, CATCHING A SEXY SHARK,
GIRLS UH-HUH!
KAREN SEXY ELEANOR ROOSEVELT OR SEXY JOAN OF ARC.
GIRIS UH-HUH!
KAREN I CAN BE A SEXY PIRATE,
— 48 —
Mean Girls
(KAREN) OR A SEXY BALLET DANCER, I CAN BE A SEXY DOCTOR, AND CURE SOME SEXY CANCER!
That’s not right, is it?
GRETCHEN No.
KAREN I can sexy cure some cancer?
GRETCHEN No.
KAREN I can cure sex cancer?
GRETCHEN Sex cancer doesn’t exist.
KAREN I did it!!
KAREN & GIRLS HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
KAREN THIS IS MODERN FEMINISM TALKIN’ I EXPECT TO RUN THE WORLD IN SHOES I CANNOT WALK IN. I CAN BE WHO I WANT TO BE… AND SEX, SEX, SEXY!
I’m a sexy mouse!
CADY enters in her unsexy homemade Halloween costume.
ALL (EXCEPT CADY) Aagh!
KAREN Why are you dressed so scary?!
Mean Girls
— 49 —
CADY It’s Halloween.
GRETCHEN If you don’t dress slutty, that’s “slut-shaming” us.
REGINA calls GRETCHEN over.
REGINA Gretchen! Why did you invite Cady? We don’t have to take her everywhere you know.
GRETCHEN I didn’t!
REGINA And honestly you shouldn’t want her around ‘cause she’s kind of “off-brand cute” in the same way you are only fresher.
GRETCHEN Thank you for your feedback.
(decides to spill beans) But she came by herself ‘cause she’s obsessed with this guy from her math class or something—
REGINA (amused) She likes a senior? That’s a little “confident.” Who is it?
GRETCHEN Uuuuuummm…
Lights up on: Other side of the party. AARON finds CADY.
AARON Hey! You made it! I like your costume. It’s different from everybody else.
CADY removes her fake teeth.
CADY I didn’t know I was supposed to look—ugh, I’m such a weird foreign loser!
AARON No way. I disagree.
(changing the subject) How’d you do on that pop quiz today?
— 50 —
Mean Girls
CADY wonders if she should tell the truth.
CADY Oh, I got… a hun—
AARON ‘Cause I got an eighty-five.
CADY Sixty. I got a sixty, yeah. I think I need extra help.
AARON I could tutor you if you ever want—
CADY (sincere) Thank you, that would be tits.
AARON (surprised laugh) Okay then, it’s a deal. Can I get you a drink?
CADY Sure. Do they have juice?
AARON I will check. Wait right here.
He exits. REGINA comes up to CADY.
REGINA I know your secret.
CADY Secret?
REGINA Gretchen told me you like Aaron Samuels.
CADY (shoots GRETCHEN a look) Gretchen what? I’m sorry, I—I didn’t know—
REGINA I don’t care. I think you guys would be a cute couple.
Mean Girls
— 51 —
CADY Really?
REGINA (helpful) I just said so. Don’t be thirsty.
(then) I could talk to him for you if you want.
CADY You would do that? Nothing embarrassing, right?
REGINA Duh.
CADY watches as REGINA finds AARON. I have to talk to you.
AARON Me? I thought you were done talking to me last summer when you started “talking to” Shane—
REGINA Don’t be weird. Okay, you know how that Cady girl just showed up here tonight—
AARON She’s not crashing. I invited her.
REGINA takes in the fact that Aaron seems to actually like Cady. She doesn’t like it, but she covers…
REGINA No, I know. Just, like, be careful. ‘Cause she has a huge crush on you.
AARON (pleased) Really?
REGINA takes control of the situation.
REGINA Don’t be gross. She’s my friend, and she’s really babyish and inexperienced and—
(“realizing, emotional”) —wow, I didn’t think this would be so hard for me.
— 52 —
Mean Girls
#1 0 — S o me one G e t s H u r t AARON What?
REGINA I guess I just have a lot of unresolved trauma from how things ended between us. Just promise me you won’t break her heart like you did mine.
AARON Wait, what’s happening?
REGINA YES, I LOOK PERFECT. ICE QUEEN. THAT’S WHAT YOU SEE. THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL EXPECT FROM ME. BUT IT’S ALL SHOW. FACE IT. YOU USED ME. YOU SAW THE SEXY CLOTHES; MY SUPERMODEL POSE. WHAT DID YOU KNOW? WAS I A GAME TO YOU? WAS I A WAY TO BE COOL? I TRULY CARED. WAS I THE FOOL? IT’S FINE FOR YOU. IT’S FINE TO FLIRT. IT’S FI-I-I-INE ‘TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT. ‘TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT. FEEL MY HEART BEATING. I’M JUST LIKE HER. OR YOU. PEOPLE FORGET I’M HUMAN TOO. YES. THEY DO THAT. THIS IS PERFORMANCE. THIS IS ALL SELF-DEFENSE. I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE SENSE TO SEE THROUGH THAT.
Mean Girls
— 53 —
(REGINA) WAS I TOO PROUD WITH YOU? WAS I TOO COLD AND FORBIDDING THAT YOU CHOSE HER OVER ME? ARE YOU KIDDING?
MEN ARE YOU KIDDING?
REGINA POOR LITTLE ME, ALL TRAPPED IN THIS FABULOUS SHOW! YOU COULD SET ME FREE, BUT IF YOU’RE GOING, GO!
MEN NO, NO, NO!
REGINA
(MEN)
IT’S FINE FOR YOU.
AAH…
IT’S FINE TO FLIRT AND GOD YOU’RE HOT WHY DO YOU EVEN WEAR A SHIRT? NO, IT’S
REGINA & AARON FI-I-I-INE
AARON DAMN YOU’RE FI-I-INE
REGINA DAMN YOU’RE FINE
REGINA & AARON AND IT’S FI-I-INE
REGINA ‘TIL SOMEONE GETS—
They kiss.
ENSEMBLE AHH!— AHH!—
— 54 —
Mean Girls
REGINA ‘TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT. ‘TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT.
#1 0 A — N oooo! CADY Noooooooooooooo!
Mean Girls
— 55 —
INT. JANIS’ BASEMENT—A LITTLE LATER JANIS and DAMIAN watch a monster movie on the couch. CADY startles them.
JANIS & DAMIAN Aaaagh!
CADY She took him back! She took Aaron back!
JANIS Of course she did, Caddy. She’s a life ruiner.
DAMIAN When we were in seventh grade she—
JANIS Damian, she doesn’t need to hear—
CADY Guys, I know the story! She got a boyfriend so you lit her backpack on fire.
JANIS can’t hold DAMIAN back any more.
DAMIAN She said what?! Oh, Regina is a hot liar!
JANIS Damian—
DAMIAN No! I must. Stay with me, Cady. This is complicated. Janis and Regina were best friends in middle school. BFF necklaces, BFF Beanie Boos, all that shit. So of course Regina was the first person Janis came out to in sixth grade…
Flashback REGINA appears.
DAMIAN … and Regina was like,
DAMIAN / REGINA “I’m so happy for you.” / I’m so happy for you.
DAMIAN Because Regina used to be a human…
JANIS Stop.
— 56 —
Mean Girls
DAMIAN No. I’m telling it.
(back to CADY) But then Regina became obsessed with this gross boy Kyle.
A gross boy KYLE appears. And she would do anything to get that boy’s attention. So at Regina’s 13th birthday, they were playing spin the bottle—
Flashback KAREN, and ANOTHER BOY or TWO appear. —and Regina was upset ‘cause Kyle had kissed Karen. So when Regina spun and got Janis, instead of spinning again, she put on a desperate little show.
Flashback REGINA moves in slow mo toward JANIS to kiss her. JANIS looks nervous. KYLE and his FRIENDS are freaking out in slow-mo. And then Regina was like—
DAMIAN / REGINA “I knew she would let me do it. She’s, like, in love with me.” / I knew she would let me do it. She’s, like, in love with me.
DAMIAN Not okay. Janis was pissed. They had a big fight.
JANIS (tortured) The end.
DAMIAN No! The middle! Regina started avoiding Janis at school. But she had the audacity to wear the birthday present Janis gave her clipped to her backpack.
On-screen: photo of a rainbow Beanie Boo. Regina has a cute stuffed animal clipped to her backpack. She named it “Sissy Liz” and it literally became the official 7th grade mascot. It was so dumb.
JANIS Fast forward!
DAMIAN One day in science Regina was making everyone say hi to Sissy Liz and Janis finally heard it.
Mean Girls
— 57 —
#1 0 B — Ob s e s s e d L e s bi a n ENSEMBLE (M6) Hi Sissy Lizzie.
ENSEMBLE (M5) Hi Sessy Liz.
KAREN Sessy Lez.
ENSEMBLE (M3) Obsessy Lezzy.
REGINA Obsessed Lesbian.
DAMIAN “Sissy Liz” was short for “Obsessed Lesbian.” Regina had been making fun of Janis this entire time. And everyone but her knew it. So—and this is regrettable—Janis took her bunsen burner and torched the doll.
(downplaying it) And Regina’s backpack kind of burst into flames. And that was the day Janis committed doll murder.
Slo-mo freak out and silent screams. Janis got kicked out of school for the rest of the year.
On-screen photo changes to a horrifyingly melted Beanie Boo.
CADY (putting it together) And the adults never knew why—
DAMIAN No, Janis just seemed crazy.
CADY I’m sorry that happened to you. That’s worse than my thing.
— 58 —
Mean Girls
#1 1 — R e v e n g e P a r t y ( P a r t 1) JANIS (won’t have it) Don’t be sorry! It doesn’t matter. What matters is—Now you know, Caddy. Regina George is not your friend. We’re your friends. And we’re gonna make her pay. YOU KNOW WHAT FRIENDS DO? THEY GOT YOUR BACK. AND THEY ARE FUN TO BE AROUND!
DAMIAN WHUH-OH! WHUH-OH! WHOA!
JANIS WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOU, THEN THEY ATTACK, AND GRIND YOUR FOE INTO THE GROUND!
DAMIAN WHUH-OH! WHUH-OH! WHOA!
JANIS IMAGINE A PARTY, WITH DRESSES AND CAKE, AND SINGING AND DANCING AND CAKE! AND THERE’S A MAGIC ACT THAT SAWS REGINA IN HALF. AND THIS TIME IT’LL TAKE!
DAMIAN NOW THAT’S A PARTY!
JANIS A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH SOMEBODY’S HEAD ON A SPIKE!
JANIS
DAMIAN
IT’S A REVENGE PARTY
WHOA A REVENGE PARTY
JANIS & DAMIAN WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS! IT’S LIKE A PARTY WITH REVENGE IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!
Mean Girls
— 59 —
JANIS I’ve dreamed of this day for many years, but I never had an “inside man.”
DAMIAN I almost did once. At Theater Camp. But I got nervous—
Janis’ list appears on the screens behind her.
JANIS We’re going to take away everything Regina cares about. Her “looks.” Her “high status man candy,” her alleged “friends.” For this plan to work, you’re gonna have to be a huge phony. Can you do it?
CADY Watch me.
They rip her dress off revealing a plastic-y school outfit. Now at school, CADY is midconversation with REGINA and the PLASTICS walking to the lunch table.
CADY … anyway I just wanted to say I am sorry if I acted weird and I’m really happy you and Aaron are back together—
DAMIAN I’LL BRING THE GLOW STICKS
JANIS I’LL BRING BALLOONS AND WE’LL HAVE CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM CONES
CADY —I’m just glad I still have friends to eat lunch with—
She waves with Kälteen bar in hand. Bye!
She opens a Kälteen bar and bites it, REGINA notices.
DAMIAN I’LL BE THE D.J. SPINNIN’ THE TUNES ON A TURNTABLE MADE OF HER BONES
REGINA Wait. What is that?
JANIS WE’LL GET A PIÑATA ‘CAUSE THAT WOULD BE FUN AND PLAY DRESS-UP AND BARBIES AND TAG
— 60 —
Mean Girls
CADY Ugh. I’m so fat and disgusting.
JANIS AND WE’LL ROLL IN THE GRASS AND STARE UP AT THE SUN THEN WE’LL STUFF HER REMAINS IN A BAG!
JANIS & DAMIAN AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER!
CADY I use these Kälteen diet bars when I wanna lose weight.
REGINA I need to lose three pounds.
GRETCHEN & KAREN (a beat too late) Oh my God, you do not! / What are you saying about? Skinny!
REGINA Whatever. Bring me a whole box.
JANIS & DAMIAN A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH ENTRAILS ALL OVER THE LAWN! A REVENGE PARTY! WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS!
CADY AND I END UP WITH AARON WHEN SHE’S GONE.
JANIS YES, BITCH!
CADY I END UP WITH AARON WHEN SHE’S GONE.
DAMIAN We just said that. Stay focused.
REGINA strolls with AARON, while eating a Kälteen bar.
Mean Girls
ENSEMBLE
— 61 —
MR. DUVALL
WHAT’S REGINA EATING? WHAT’S REGINA WEARIN’? IS SHE BACK WITH AARON? REGINA! REGINA! SHE HAS EV’RYTHING! SHE GETS EV’RYTHING! REGINA! REGINA! REGINA!
LOCKER ROOM SHOWERS with Regina’s clothes and a towel on the hooks. During the next verse, DAMIAN and JANIS sneak on, pushing a rolling trash can. JANIS pops out of the trash can. During the following, they steal the clothes and towel off the hook.
JANIS, DAMIAN, & CADY (sneaky) A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH SOMEBODY CRUSHED AND ALONE!
JANIS AND UGLY CRYING!
REGINA reaches for her towel and there’s nothing there. Her naked arm flails around looking for something to put on. (This could be a decoy arm while real REGINA changes clothes.) She grabs the trash bag out of the nearby rolling trash can and pulls it into the shower.
JANIS & DAMIAN A REVENGE PARTY! WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS! IT’S LIKE A PARTY WITH REVENGE IS WHAT WE’RE THROW’N!
Marching band cadence. REGINA emerges wearing the trash bag as a dress. It somehow looks amazing. OTHER GIRLS notice.
— 62 —
Mean Girls
TRANSITION TO HALLWAY—A WEEK LATER Now OTHER GIRLS are wearing trash bags. It’s a trend. JANIS and DAMIAN are dejected.
ENSEMBLE WHAT’S REGINA DOIN’? THOUGH I KINDA HATE IT I MUST IMITATE IT! REGINA! REGINA! SHE HAS EV’RYTHING! SHE GETS EVRYTHING! REGINA! REGINA! REGINA!
DAMIAN This is not it. So far, all we’ve done is make Regina juicier and elevate the trash bag.
JANIS If we could get Gretchen Wieners to think Regina is mad at her—
CADY No! I won’t do that. Gretchen is… fragile.
DAMIAN (spots REGINA) Shush-it. Here she comes.
JANIS hides as REGINA and AARON approach.
CADY Hey, girl. You sending any candy canes?
REGINA I don’t send them. I just get them.
(to AARON re: his hair) Stop pulling it down! Your hair looks sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?
CADY Your hair looks sexy pushed back.
AARON Uh, thanks.
REGINA kisses him. As they exit, AARON calls back to her… I’ll see you in Calc.
Mean Girls
CADY is gutted.
JANIS AT EV’RY PARTY, THERE MIGHT BE A LOW WHERE THE ENERGY DIPS.
DAMIAN WHUH-OH! WHUH-OH! WHOA! YOU MIGHT BE THINKING, “IT’S LATE, WE SHOULD GO, AND THEY RAN OUT OF CHIPS.”
CADY NO! NO! NO! I CAN’T EVEN WATCH WHEN SHE TOUCHES HIS HAIR, AND I WATCHED A SNAKE EAT A COW! REGINA NEEDS TO BE TOPPLED —SORRY, GRETCHEN—I SWEAR, WE’LL GET OUR PARTY NOW! ONE CANDY CANE PLEASE.
CADY, JANIS, & DAMIAN A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH LIONS IN A ROMAN ARENA!
— 63 —
— 64 —
Mean Girls
TRANSITION TO BACKSTAGE AT WINTER ASSEMBLY ENSEMBLE SHE HAS EV’RYTHING! SHE GETS EV’RYTHING! REGINA! REGINA! REGINA!
DAMIAN walks through the CROWD giving out Candy Cane Grams.
DAMIAN Ho Ho Ho! Candy Cane Gram for Shane Oman.
ENSEMBLE SHE HAS EV’RYTHING!
DAMIAN And one for Caddy Heron.
ENSEMBLE SHE GETS EV’RYTHING!
DAMIAN Four for Glenn Cocco! You go, Glenn Cocco!
ENSEMBLE GLENN COCCO! GLENN COCCO! GLENN COCCO!
DAMIAN Aaaand none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.
GRETCHEN (stricken) Who sent that?
CADY Aww, it’s from—
ENSEMBLE REGINA! REGINA! REGINA!
CADY “Thanks for being such a great best friend.”
GRETCHEN (animal) Kaaaah!
(then sweet)
Mean Girls
— 65 —
(GRETCHEN) I mean, cuuuuute! I mean—okay, new bff, then there are some things about her you should probably know— SO SHE’S YOUR FRIEND? WELL SHE’S NOT A GREAT FRIEND. LIKE THE WAY SHE STOLE YOUR MA-AN. SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM. SHE ONLY WANTS, LIKE, TO PROVE THAT SHE CAN. SHE GOT YOU THOSE HEELS JUST TO LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN AND NOT ‘CAUSE SHE THOUGHT THEY LOOKED CUTE.
(spoken) OH, AND SHE CHEATS ON AARON, SHE’S HOOKING UP WITH SHANE IN THE NORTH SHORE LIONS SUIT!
CADY She makes him wear the lion suit?
GRETCHEN No, they’re both in the suit! It’s perverted! And I never told anyone because I’m such a good friend.
CADY takes out her phone and texts AARON.
CADY “I hate to be the one to tell you this but… ”
AARON (reading) “Regina is chewing on you.”
CADY Dang it. Autocorrect. “Cheating. She’s cheating on you. With Shane—”
AARON (reading) “—in the North Shore lion’s suit.” What was that supposed to be?
CADY “It’s supposed to be ‘lion’s suit.’”
AARON looks devastated/confused. The LION enters, moving wildly like two people are in it.
— 66 —
Mean Girls
Music transforms to piano at the Talent Show.
TALENT SHOW ONSTAGE MR. DUVALL enters next to the LION.
MR. DUVALL Okay, thank you, Cameron for those holiday coochie slams. Their words not mine.
(to CROWD) And remember, North Shore, this assembly is meant to be fun. So I don’t wanna see anyone throwing batteries at the stage this year.
#1 1 A — R e v e n g e P a r t y ( P a r t 2) Also, if anyone finds a retainer in a bright aqua case, that is mine. Please return it. My insurance will not cover a replacement.
Mean Girls
BACKSTAGE TALENT SHOW CADY is also in her Santa outfit now. GRETCHEN is talking CADY’s ear off. KAREN enters, flustered.
KAREN Warning! Warning! Aaron just broke up with Regina in the hall.
GRETCHEN Oh God.
KAREN Someone told him about Shane!
GRETCHEN Oh God. No one look her in the eyes.
KAREN and GRETCHEN take that in. REGINA enters, in a foul mood. (We won’t pad her, just downsize the skirt.)
REGINA Ugh, why is this skirt so tight?
GRETCHEN & KAREN What are you talking about? / You look loose.
A STAGE MANAGER KID waves them to get into position.
REGINA Karen, I can see your bra.
KAREN It’s on purpose. I’m going for a look.
REGINA Is it “girl who’s slept with eleven people?” ‘Cause you’re nailing it.
This cruelty hangs for a beat.
GRETCHEN (to KAREN) I think your top looks fetch.
REGINA Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen!
EVERYONE’s soul is crushed, as…
— 67 —
— 68 —
Mean Girls
MR. DUVALL (OFF) Please welcome for the sixth year in a row in this school district, the “Hot Elves” doing “Rockin’ Around the Pole.”
They smile and start their dance, but GRETCHEN is dead eyed, fuming, marking the moves in a humorous way.
CADY, REGINA, & KAREN AND WE’LL BE ROCK ROCK ROCK-IN’ AROUND THE POLE, WHERE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT ROCK ROCK ROCK-IN’ AROUND THE POLE. WE’LL ROCK THAT POLE ALL NIGHT! AND WE’LL BE SING, SING, SING-IN’ A CHRISTMAS TUNE AS WE SWING THE NIGHT AWAY. YEAH WE’LL BE ROCK, ROCK, ROCK-IN’ AROUND THAT POLE, ROCK-IN’ ‘TIL THE BREAK OF DAY.
KAREN I’M SNOWFLAKE.
CADY I’M JINGLE.
REGINA I’M HOLLY.
GRETCHEN (near MR. DUVALL’s mic) AND I’VE FUCKING HAD IT!
REGINA & MR. DUVALL Gretchen! / Unacceptable!
REGINA’s skirt falls off. We see her too-small underwear. She runs out. In the hole before the music starts back up:
Mean Girls
— 69 —
GRETCHEN (panicked at first) Oh God. Now she’s gonna blame me that her skirt fell off and everyone saw her underpants. You know she tried to make me steal my dad’s Ozempic because she’s gained four pounds. And he has actual diabetes!
ENSEMBLE SHE HAS EV’RYTHING!
GRETCHEN Well I’m done. From now on, Regina can hold her own hair back when she barfs. Okay???
ENSEMBLE SHE HAS EV’RYTHING!
GRETCHEN —including ringworm, which she told everyone was from my family’s hot tub.
ENSEMBLE SHE HAS EV’RYTHING!
GRETCHEN And I get nothing. I am fetching over it. I am so done with…
ENSEMBLE REGINA! REGINA! REGINA!
— 70 —
Mean Girls
TRANSITION TO CAFETERIA GRETCHEN, now officially cracked, sits straight down at the table that has been slid behind her. REGINA enters, with a sloppy hoodie over her Santa top and sweatpants instead of her Santa skirt. She has her baked potato on a tray.
GRETCHEN You can’t sit with us.
REGINA (scoffing) What?
GRETCHEN You’re wearing sweatpants. It’s Thursday.
REGINA Whatever. Those rules aren’t real.
KAREN They were real the day I wore a vest!
REGINA Because that vest was disgusting!
GRETCHEN You can’t sit with us!
A beat. REGINA admits the truth.
REGINA These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.
They avoid eye contact.
GRETCHEN What do you think, Cady?
CADY Me? Oh I’m not comfortable deciding. Maybe we should vote. Anyone who thinks rules should apply to everyone equally, please raise your hand.
REGINA Fine.
(to EVERYONE) Take a picture, losers! It’ll last longer!
EVERYONE pulls out phones. REGINA runs out, humiliated.
Mean Girls
JANIS & DAMIAN IT’S A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH SOMEBODY’S HEAD ON A SPIKE! A REVENGE PARTY! WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS!
ALL IT’S LIKE A PARTY WITH REVENGE IS WHAT IT’S LIKE! IT’S A REVENGE PARTY! A PARTY WE WIN WITH JUSTICE SERVED UP ON A PLATE! A REVENGE PARTY SO COME ON IN BECAUSE A PARTY WITH REVENGE FEELS FRICKIN’ GREAT! A PARTY WITH REVENGE FEELS FRICKIN’ GREAT! A PARTY WITH REVENGE FEELS FRICKIN’ GREAT! FEELS FRICKIN GREAT A REVENGE PARTY! SO COME ON IN
JANIS, DAMIAN, & CADY BECAUSE A PARTY WITH REVENGE FEELS FRICKIN’ GREAT!
Songs buttons.
END OF ACT I
— 71 —
— 72 —
Mean Girls
ACT II #1 2 — En t r ’ A c t e
INT. NORTH SHORE HIGH STAGE—DAY #1 3 — M e an ( R e p r i s e ) DAMIAN & JANIS THIS IS A CAUTIONARY TALE, THAT WE CONTINUE TO UNVEIL.
JANIS THIS IS THE INSANE PART, WHERE IT ALL FLIES OFF THE RAIL.
DAMIAN Exciting.
DAMIAN & JANIS ENJOY THE CAUTIONARY TALE.
#1 4 — S o c i a l M e d i a E t h i c s DAMIAN And so young Cady became a hero to the descamisados and deplorables of our school. She made them feel seen. Heard. Smelled.
LIZZIE THERMAN (F2) Cady Heron high-fived me in gym class, so I took this picture of my hand.
On screens, a photo of a hand.
RACHEL HAMILTON (F5) Cady Heron walks to school, so I started walking to school. No more forty minute bus ride for me.
SOPHIE (F4) I asked Cady Heron her skincare routine and she told me she washes her face. With soap.
CAITLYN CAUSSIN (F3) I took a picture of Cady Heron to my plastic surgeon and he was like, “this is not achievable for you.”
CAITLYN gives a big smile and a thumbs up.
Mean Girls
— 73 —
ALL GIRLS (F2 / F5 / F4 / F3) (increasingly like birds) Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow.
JANIS But, do we dare rejoice? Or will Cady contract the disease that is the number one killer of all heroes?
DAMIAN Believing her own hype.
#1 5 — I ’ m B l ow i n g U p WHAT WE GOT’S NOT THE CADY THAT YOU KNOW: BETA CADY GOT UPGRADED INTO CADY TWO-POINT-OH.
(DAMIAN)
ENSEMBLE
FIRST THE TRANSFORMATION
OH—
HAPPENED KIND OF SLOW, BUT ONE DAY SHE CAME TO SCHOOL LIKE THIS AND WE WERE LIKE—
CADY entrance.
DAMIAN & JANIS “WHOA.”
CADY I’M BLOWING UP. I’M A THING NOW. I’M BLOWING UP. (THAT’S A PHRASE.) I MEAN I GOT A LOT TO PROVE, BUT I FIN’LLY HIT MY GROOVE. I GOT STATUS. I’M A BAD-ASS. I’M A TOTAL—GRETCHEN, MOVE! BLOWIN’ UP AND I LIKE IT. I’M BLOWING UP.
— 74 —
Mean Girls
ENSEMBLE SHE’S BLOWING UP.
CADY I USED TO THINK BEING PLASTIC REALLY BLOWS BUT NOW GRETCHEN KEEPS MY SCHE-DU-LE, AND KAREN PICKS MY CLOTHES. PEOPLE FOLLOW ME NO MATTER WHERE I GOES, ‘CAUSE THEY’RE LOOKIN’ FOR A LEADER AND THAT’S ME, I SUPPOSE. WOAH—
(CADY)
GRETCHEN & KAREN
WHO BLOWS UP? SHE’S BLOWING UP. THAT’S RIGHT: I DO. IT’S GREAT! I’M BLOWING UP. SHE’S GOT CLOUT. AND IT WORKS!
(CADY) I’M THE WOMAN OF THE HOUR BLOOMIN’ LIKE A FLOWER I GOT STATUS. I’M A BAD-ASS. AND I’M LOVING ALL THIS POWER! BLOWING UP. AND I LIKE IT. I’M BLOWING UP.
JANIS THOUGH IT’S KIND OF MY DREAM THAT REGINA BE GONE,
DAMIAN THERE’S A BRAND-NEW CAESAR AT THE RUBICON.
JANIS & DAMIAN AND WE’RE STILL BEST FRIENDS, BUT THE THING WITH QUEEN BEES? THEY DON’T HAVE FRIENDS THEY HAVE ACCESSORIES.
Mean Girls
— 75 —
JANIS, DAMIAN, GRETCHEN, & KAREN NOW THAT SHE’S
CADY
GRETCHEN & KAREN
BLOWING UP! OOH. AND I LIKE IT. SHE DOES! SO BLOWN UP! RIZZ! AND IT WORKS!
GRETCHEN & KAREN (squeally) YAY!
CADY OK, MY FRIENDS ARE KIND OF SQUEALLY, I’VE FORGOTTEN MY SWAHILI BUT THIS STATUS? ALL THIS BADASS? I’M A TOTAL—GRETCHEN? REALLY?
(CADY)
GRETCHEN & KAREN
BLOWING UP. AND I LIKE IT.
OOH!
I’M BLOWING UP.
SHE’S BLOWING UP!
GRETCHEN, KAREN, & GIRLS THROW MY MY SHOULDERS BACK
OOH…
STRUT A LITTLE WALKING DOWN THE HALL, TAKE UP THE MIDDLE. I’VE GOT FOLLOWERS,
OOH…
I’M BOSS MATERIAL.
(CADY) HIGH SCHOOL LOOKS REAL DIFF’RENT FROM UP HERE, Y’ALL. LOOKIN’ CUTE.
— 76 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) GOT THE WORLD BENEATH MY BOOT, I’M STANDING AT THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE, EATING ALL THE FRUIT, I’M BLOWING UP!
MS. NORBURY
ENSEMBLE
Cady, can I talk to you for a moment?
DAH DAH DAH DO DAH,
CADY
DAH DO DAH DO DO DAH,
No offense, Ms. Norbury, but I really don’t want to do Mathletes. I’ve just gotten very busy socially—
DAH DO DAH DO DAH,
MS. NORBURY
DAH DAH DO DO DAH,
No, no. I need your mother to sign this notification that you’re failing.
CADY What?
MS. NORBURY Yeah, you’ve tanked your last four quizzes. The funny thing is, all the work is right and just the answers are wrong.
CADY Huh.
(whistling)
MS. NORBURY Huh. I’m not gonna stop pushing you, Cady, ‘cause I’m a pusher. And I know you’re smarter than this. Maybe I should just push your seat away from Aaron’s.
(whistling)
MS. NORBURY exits.
MR. DUVALL May I have your attention please. The nominees for Spring Fling King and Queen are as follows:
EVERYONE freezes to listen. For King— Shane Oman, Christian Wiggins, and Aaron Samuels. For Queen— Regina George. Karen Smith and Gretchen Wieners… And Caddy Heron.
CADY What?!
Mean Girls
— 77 —
MR. DUVALL Wait, my mistake—
CADY is momentarily crest-fallen. (correcting himself) —Cady Heron.
CADY I GET MORE VALIDATION EV’RY DAY: THE PEOPLE, THEY HAVE SPOKEN, AND I LIKE WHAT THEY SAY. FAILING MATH, BUT HEY, LIFE GIVES ME AN “A!!” I’M CADY HERON, LADY, LOOK HOW I SLAY.
(CADY)
ENSEMBLE AHH—
I BLEW UP!
BLOWING UP!
I’M A THING NOW!
OOH!
I’M BLOWING UP!
BLOWING UP!
THAT’S A PHRASE. WHO KNEW?
OOH!
I MEAN I GOT A LOT TO PROVE BUT I FIN’LLY HIT MY GROOVE. I GOT STATUS. I’M A BAD-ASS. I’M A TOTAL—GRETCHEN. JESUS! BLOWING UP AND I LIKE IT.
OOH!
BLOWING UP AND I LIKE IT.
OOH!
BLOWING UP AND I LIKE IT.
OOH!
I’M BLOWING UP. I’M BLOWING UP.
#1 5 A — I ’ m B l ow i n g U p ( P l a y o f f )
SHE’S BLOWING UP!
— 78 —
Mean Girls
INT. ART STUDIO—LAST CLASS OF DAY DAMIAN poses for JANIS. CADY is mid-complaint.
CADY —And she was like, “I’m gonna push you, Cady, I’m a pusher.” What does that even mean? I wanted to be like, “are you a drug pusher?”
DAMIAN I know, you told us that story yesterday.
CADY Oh my God, so many people are texting me about Spring Fling. Should I text Aaron and congratulate him?
JANIS & DAMIAN No.
CADY ‘Cause the last couple texts I sent—
JANIS & DAMIAN He hasn’t answered. / So you’ve said, yes.
CADY I mean he’s been broken up with Regina for a month. Why hasn’t he asked me out yet?
DAMIAN I don’t know but I wish you’d keep talking about it.
JANIS Hey, do you need a ride to my art show this weekend? ‘Cause Damian borrowed his grandmother’s jazzy—
CADY What?
DAMIAN It’s a motorized scooter—
CADY No, I mean, your art show is this weekend?! Shoot, I can’t go. My mom and I have tickets to this thing in Madison. I’m so sorry!
CADY immediately takes a super happy selfie.
JANIS Yeah, you seem sad about it.
Mean Girls
— 79 —
#1 5 B — S o S a d CADY takes this in, momentarily feeling guilty:
DAMIAN (to audience) That’s when Cady figured out what Mormon polygamist husbands have known for years—when one of your families is mad at you, just go across the compound to the other one!
CADY rushes over to:
— 80 —
Mean Girls
INT. YO FRO—LATER CADY, KAREN, and GRETCHEN hang out.
CADY —And she was like, “I’m gonna push you, Cady, I’m a pusher. I wanted to be like, “Are you a drug pusher?”
GRETCHEN & KAREN Oh my God, that’s so funny. / You’re so funny like a cartoon… man.
GRETCHEN So what are we doing this weekend?
CADY This weekend? It’s Tuesday.
KAREN Yeah, the weekend is only… several days away.
CADY I have to go to this thing in Madison with my mom.
GRETCHEN Your mom is going away?! You should have people over!
CADY No, I’m going with her.
GRETCHEN But if you had people over, we could invite Aaron!
CADY I guess I could get out of it.
GRETCHEN & KAREN (nodding, smiling) Yeah.
CADY And we would keep it small, just like, five or six people?
GRETCHEN & KAREN Yeah. / Sure.
Mean Girls
— 81 —
DAMIAN (to audience) She had learned from Regina that a little bit of truth is like a gorgeous “ginger hair and freckles” filter you can put over a lie to make yourself look better.
CADY talks to her MOM.
CADY I can’t go with you this weekend.
MS. HERON What? Why?
CADY I promised my friend Janis I’d go to her art show.
MS. HERON But we’ve had these tickets for months! Binti, you love Ladysmith Black Mombazo.
CADY (teen outburst) Mom! Janis is my best friend! Don’t you want me to be a good friend?!
MS. HERON is thrown.
MS. HERON Okay! Okay, you can stay home on your own.
JANIS stands near AARON as CADY strides up with GRETCHEN in tow.
JANIS All she needed now was to lock down Aaron—
(increasingly loud echo) —Aaron Aaron Aaron Aaron aaaaagh cranial explosion!
JANIS mimes her own head exploding from excitement as CADY lands:
CADY Hey, congratulations on being nominated for Spring Fling King.
AARON Ugh, thanks. It’s pretty stupid.
CADY Haha, no, totally. Listen, I’m having a small get-together at my house tomorrow night. My mom is away, so…
— 82 —
Mean Girls
AARON Is Regina going?
CADY No. Do you think I’m an idiot? It’s gonna be a few cool people and you better be one of them, beyotch.
AARON Okay, I’ll be there.
As CADY and GRETCHEN walk away…
GRETCHEN Oh my God. I told you. I’m so honored that I was able to hook this up for you. And if there is anything I can do for you in the coming days—clothes shopping or put self-tanner on your back, or make a sexy-but-subtle playlist—
CADY Gretchen! I get it!
#1 6 — W h a t ’ s W r o n g ( R e p r i s e ) CADY exits. GRETCHEN stops in her tracks.
GRETCHEN WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? DIFF’RENT BOSS. SAME OLD SONG. I TRY SO HARD. IS THAT WHAT’S WRONG? IT’S LIKE ALL I DO IS PLAN FOR JOY I DON’T GET TO FEEL. I’M WHOEVER YOU WANT. IS THAT MY ONLY APPEAL? WHO AM I REALLY? HMM…
CADY Are you coming?
GRETCHEN HMM…
Mean Girls
— 83 —
INT. REGINA’S ROOM—FRIDAY NIGHT REGINA angrily walks on a treadmill. MRS. GEORGE enters.
MRS. GEORGE You still exercising, baby?
REGINA (duh) No, I’m doing an oil painting.
MRS. GEORGE Honey, I know you’re not happy with your body right now but remember, real beauty comes from the face.
REGINA Don’t ever talk about my body! Gahhhd!
MRS. GEORGE Okay-okay!
(tries a new tack) Let me make you a low-cal snack! I have some shrimp I put in the air fryer—
REGINA Mommy, I can’t have shrimp! I’m on an all carb diet!! Why won’t you leave me alaghhne?!?!
MRS. GEORGE Because Cady’s having a party!!
REGINA What?
MRS. GEORGE Whaaat?
(then) Cady’s having a party! With Gretchen and Karen. I saw it on one of the many fake social media accounts that I have for your safety.
REGINA Those bitches!
MRS. GEORGE Right?! Well, eff those bees! Me and you are our own party! You wanna make popcorn and—
— 84 —
Mean Girls
REGINA Get out!
MRS. GEORGE OKAY… BEFORE I GO: I KNOW YOUR LIFE IS TOUGH. I’M NOT AN IDIOT. I KNOW A LOT OF STUFF.
She heads for the door then notices REGINA tearing into a Kälteen bar. Like, Honey, why are you eating a Kälteen bar? Those are what we gave Nanna Joan when she needed to gain weight.
REGINA AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH! AAAAAGGGHHHH!
MRS. GEORGE tries to hug her, but she blows past, screaming. We hear her scream for a beat offstage.
MRS. GEORGE WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? ASK ME FOR HELP! ASK ME FOR HUGS! GIRL STUFF SUCKS. WHY COULDN’T IT JUST BE DRUGS? I TRY TO GIVE YOU LOVE. I TRY TO GIVE YOU SPACE. YOU ROLL YOUR EYES SO HARD THEY’RE GONNA ROLL RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE.
Elsewhere on stage, GRETCHEN enters in her party look.
(MRS. GEORGE)
GRETCHEN
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
WHY ARE YOU MAD?
WHY ARE YOU MAD?
WHY DO WE FIGHT?
WHY DO WE FIGHT?
WHY CAN’T I WHY CAN’T I? DO ANYTHING RIGHT?
MRS. GEORGE SOMEDAY YOU’LL HAVE CHILDREN TOO,
Mean Girls
(MRS. GEORGE) AND THEN, BABY, WAIT AND SEE. YOU’LL BE WORSHIPPED FOR YEARS. AND THEN SHE’LL TURN THREE. AND EV’RYTHING’S
MRS. GEORGE & GRETCHEN WRONG WITH ME
MRS. GEORGE, GRETCHEN, & FEMALE ENSEMBLE MMM… MMM…
MRS. GEORGE exits. CADY enters in her party look.
GRETCHEN Oh, you look so pretty! You’re finally gonna have your night with Aaron. I could cry.
CADY Don’t make me nervous.
GRETCHEN Have a shot to pre-game.
CADY I don’t drink.
GRETCHEN No, not like “drinking” drinking.
(gives CADY her glass) Just some bubble gum schnapps to calm yourself.
CADY downs the shot.
CADY I got enough cheese and crackers for eight people. You think that’s enough?
#1 7 — W h o s e H ou s e I s T h i s ? GRETCHEN & KAREN Yes. Yes.
PEOPLE burst in from everywhere.
SOPRANOS & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
— 85 —
— 86 —
Mean Girls
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
SOPRANOS & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
SOPRANOS & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
KEVIN G. SERIOUSLY: WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? HEAR ABOUT A PARTY? HERE’S THE PROCEDURE: TEXT ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TELL ‘EM WHERE TO MEETCHA. SO YOU KNOW NOBODY THAT’S NOT WHAT COUNTS, IT’S SOMEBODY’S HOUSE AND THEY GOT NO BOUNCER! CLOUDS OF MARIJUANA, AND MOLLY IN THE KAHN-NAH, AND DRINKIN’ FROM THE NECK OF A BOTTLE, WHAT THE HECK! WE LIT UP LIKE A TORCH SMOKIN’ ON YOUR PORCH, TRYNA MAINTAIN WHILE THE NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN!
KEVIN G., SOPRANOS , & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
SOPRANOS & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
Mean Girls
SOPRANOS & BARITONES WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
ALTOS & TENORS IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
KEVIN G. SERIOUSLY: WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
CADY REALLY, THIS IS NOT… REALLY, IT’S A LOT… REALLY, IS THAT POT?
GRETCHEN CADY, DO A SHOT.
ALL (EXCEPT CADY) SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT! WOOO!
CADY does the shot.
CADY OH WOW—THAT’S REALLY STRONG, AND WHY’S AARON TAKING SO LONG, AND PUT THAT DOWN THAT’S NOT A BONG!
As she chases SOMEONE who has her mother’s tribal vase, AARON enters, looks around for CADY.
KEVIN G. SPINNIN’ ON THE STEREO OF SOMEBODY I BARELY KNOW. HEY, CADY HERON, MUSIC’S BLARIN’
CADY YOU SEEN AARON?
GRETCHEN NO.
KEVIN G. SENIOR JOCKS AND BAND FREAKS, THROWIN’ ALL YOUR ANTIQUES, DRINKIN’ ‘TIL WE SLUR, HENCE HOPE YOU GOT INSURANCE!
GRETCHEN WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
— 87 —
— 88 —
Mean Girls
KEVIN G. & ENSEMBLE IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
GRETCHEN WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
KEVIN G. & ENSEMBLE IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
GRETCHEN WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
KEVIN G. & ENSEMBLE IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
KAREN SERIOUSLY: WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
CADY
ENSEMBLE
REALLY, EY’RY-ONE?
HEY!
REALLY? THIS IS FUN?
KAREN
HO!
THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE!
HEY!
GRETCHEN CADY, DOWN IN ONE!
ALL (EXCEPT CADY) DOWN IN ONE, YEAH! DOWN IN ONE! WOOO! TURN THE FREAKIN’ MUSIC UP! TURN THE FREAKIN’ MUSIC UP! WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
CADY (drunk) IT’S MY HOUSE NOW.
ALL (EXCEPT CADY) WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
CADY IT WAS ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
ALL (EXCEPT CADY) WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
Mean Girls
— 89 —
KAREN SERIOUSLY: WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
KEVIN G
ENSEMBLE (PART 1)
ENSEMBLE (PART 2)
CLOUDS OF MARIJUANA,
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
MINE!
AND MOLLY IN THE KAHN-
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
MINE!
NAH, AND DRINKIN’ FROM
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
MINE!
THE NECK OF A BOTTLE,
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
MINE!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
WHAT THE HECK! WE LIT UP LIKE A TORCH SMOKIN’ ON YOUR PORCH, IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
#1 7 A — W h o s e H o u s e ? ( T a g )
KEVIN G
SOP/ALTOS HUH HUH!
TENORS
BARITONES
HUH HUH!
WHOSE
WHOSE HOUSE,
WHOSE HOUSE,
HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? IT’S MY HOUSE NOW!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
HA!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE,
MINE!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? MINE!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? MINE!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS? WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
HA!
MINE!
— 90 —
Mean Girls
INT. CADY’S BEDROOM AARON looks at Cady’s photos, etc. CADY enters, drinking from a solo cup, clearly a little drunk.
CADY Aaarrrnn! I’ve been looking everything for where you!
AARON What?
CADY (trying to sound sober) I mean, hi.
AARON Hi. I like your costume—I mean your dress.
CADY Thanks!
AARON Your room is cool.
(re: a photo, impressed) Is this you holding a crocodile?
CADY Oh my God. It’s so embarrassing.
AARON No it’s not. It’s awesome.
She pulls him to the bed.
CADY Sit down. I’m drinking “not juice” tonight.
She misses the edge of the bed and slides down to sit on the floor.
AARON Yeah, I can tell. We should go downstairs.
CADY (too forceful) No, sit! I’m amazing!
She pulls him to the floor. They lean against the bed.
Mean Girls
— 91 —
AARON Thanks for inviting me tonight. I’ve wasted too much time being pissed at Regina.
CADY (flirty) Yeah, you really have.
AARON Um, I’ve been wanting to ask you… I read that the Maasai— is that how you say it? Maasai?
CADY (charmed) Sure.
AARON I read that the Maasai don’t celebrate birthdays. They just become adults when they feel ready.
CADY That’s true. Why did you read that?
AARON I was just… interested in Kenya for some reason. Do you miss it?
CADY No. I mean. I miss… walking on ground that isn’t pavement all day.
#1 8 — M or e I s B e t t e r You have to pay attention more and it makes you feel awake. My mom and I used to play a game where we’d close our eyes and name all the birds we could hear. We don’t do that now. Obvs. I WAS ALONE A LOT. MOSTLY OBSERVING THINGS LIKE HYENAS AND MIGRATIONS AND, WHO CARES? NOW I HAVE ALL THESE FRIENDS. I’M NEVER BY MYSELF. I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THOSE PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS.
AARON Uh huh.
— 92 —
Mean Girls
CADY MORE IS ALWAYS BETTER. MORE PEOPLE KNOW MY NAME. I HAVE MORE SHOES. MORE IS ALWAYS BETTER. ‘CAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE LESS YOU HAVE MORE TO LOSE. WAIT. THAT’S CONFUSING.
AARON SEE, I DON’T MIND ALONE. SOMETIMES ALONE IS GOOD ‘CAUSE TIME TO THINK IS IN SHORT SUPPLY.
CADY YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ALONE. TRY KENYA WITH ONE PHONE. ALMOST NO PEOPLE. JUST, LIKE, ANIMALS AND SKY.
(CADY)
ENSEMBLE
YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD MORE OF? STARS.
HOO-WAH, HOO-WAH,
SO MANY STARS AT NIGHT. BUT HERE THERE’S
HOO-WAH, HOO-WAH,
SO MUCH LIGHT, I SEE THEM LESS NOW.
HMM…
(CADY) PLUS, I’M ALWAYS COLD BECAUSE THE AIR CONDITIONED AIR, THOUGH, IN FAIRNESS, THAT COULD BE HOW I DRESS NOW. WHATEVER. I LOOK CUTER. IT WORKED. LIKE PRETENDING I NEEDED A TUTOR.
SHE kisses him. HE breaks the kiss.
AARON Pretending?
Mean Girls
— 93 —
CADY Yeah. You’re gonna laugh. I pretended to be bad at math to get you to talk to me. I’m actually really good at math. You’re the one who’s not so good at math. Anyway, now I’m failing. Isn’t that so dumb?
AARON Yeah. It is dumb. Why didn’t you just talk to me?
CADY Because of Regina. Because you were her property.
AARON Her property?
CADY No. Shut up. Not property.
AARON Don’t tell me to shut up.
CADY Oh my god, you’re being so ridiculous right now! Sit down and be hot!
AARON You’re like a clone of Regina.
CADY What? No!
AARON YOU SAY “MORE IS ALWAYS BETTER.” BUT THERE IS LESS OF YOU THAN THERE WAS BEFORE. SO IF “MORE IS ALWAYS BETTER”… THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH A BIT MORE.
CADY Aaron—
AARON exits.
CADY IF MORE IS ALWAYS BETTER… I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH A BIT
— 94 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD MORE OF? STARS.
ENSEMBLE HMM…
GRETCHEN and KAREN enter in a drunk panic.
KAREN What are you doing?! Aaron is leaving!
CADY Aaron wait!
CADY runs out.
GRETCHEN Also someone not me barfed in your oven.
#1 8 A — A h h h h ! GRETCHEN passes out on the bed. As the set pieces start to move…
KAREN Is this room moving?
KAREN passes out on Cady’s bed.
Mean Girls
— 95 —
EXT. CADY’S HOUSE—MOMENTS LATER CADY runs out.
CADY Aaron, wait!
DAMIAN and JANIS ride up on his grandmother’s jazzy. Oh God.
JANIS You dirty little liar.
CADY Janis, I can explain.
JANIS Explain how you’re supposed to be out of town, but sixty different people are posting pictures of your party?
CADY You know I couldn’t invite you, I have to act like I don’t know you!
JANIS You are full of lies!
DAMIAN Janis, I cannot stop this jazzy, you know I have a curfew.
JANIS This is your house. You could have invited whoever you wanted. You could have changed the way the world works and you decided not to.
CADY You would hate this party—
JANIS Why? Aren’t you having an amazing time with your amazing friends?!
CADY Janis, I can’t spend every minute with you. It’s not my fault that you’re like, in love with me or something.
JANIS What?!
DAMIAN Oh no she did not.
— 96 —
Mean Girls
#1 8 B — S o me one G e t s H u r t ( R e p r i s e ) JANIS See that’s the thing with you Plastics. You think everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you.
CADY You made me like this! It was your idea for me to pretend to be Plastic!
JANIS BUDDY, IT’S NOT PRETEND. YOU ARE AS PLASTIC AS THEY COME. YOU THINK YOUR SHIT DON’T STINK YOU THINK THE REST OF US ARE DUMB. I HATE REGINA’S GUTS BUT HERE’S WHAT YOU DON’T COMPREHEND. AT LEAST SHE HAS THE GUTS TO NOT PRETEND TO BE MY FRIEND!
Here, you can have this. It won a prize.
JANIS throws a canvas at her.
CADY Janis—
JANIS NO IT’S FI-I-INE, REALLY, FI-I-INE, GO BE FI-I-I-I-INE.
DAMIAN AND I WANT MY PINK SHIRT!
They ride away. CADY is alone. Transition to…
Mean Girls
THE SET PARTS IN THE MIDDLE #1 9 — W o r l d B u r n REGINA, upstage, backlit.
REGINA (eerily calm) MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE. AND I AM A MASSIVE DEAL. I WILL GRIND YOU TO SAND, BENEATH MY LOUBOUTIN-ED HEEL. THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR HELPING; HELPING SOMEONE LAME FIT IN. CADY HERON, ENJOY YOUR TEMPORARY WIN.
We realize the spooky-from-below lighting is a copy machine. MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE.
(writes in the Burn Book) “REGINA IS A FUGLY COW.” HEY, CADY: HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?
(She copies that page.) I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN. I GOT THE GASOLINE. I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN, AND EV’RYONE GET MEAN.
(She starts flinging pages.) I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN. I GOT THE GASOLINE. I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN, AND EV’RYONE GET—
— 97 —
— 98 —
Mean Girls
INT. MR. DUVALL’S OFFICE / SCHOOL HALLWAYS— THE NEXT DAY REGINA switches mid-phrase to impressively real crying.
(REGINA) —just so upset, Mr. Duvall! I found it in the girls’ bathroom. I mean, the things it says about me. The things it says about all of us.
REGINA sobs.
MR. DUVALL (flipping through the book) Is this true? Rachel Hamilton fills her inhaler with vodka? ls that—does that work?
REGINA shrugs. What does this say? Caitlyn Caussin has what?
REGINA “Hairy nips.”
MR. DUVALL Good lord. Well, don’t worry. We’re gonna find out who did this.
REGINA There’s only three girls in the whole grade who aren’t in it.
MR. DUVALL Can you give me names?
REGINA immediately hands him a small piece of paper from her bra.
REGINA CADY, TIME TO WATCH YOUR BACK. CADY, TIME TO TURN AND COUGH. BECAUSE YOU TOOK ME DOWN. BUT YOU DIDN’T FINISH ME OFF. MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE, AND IN CASE YOU’RE KEEPING SCORE: CADY MAY HAVE WON THE BATTLE BUT I WILL WIN THE WAR FOR
GIRLS are finding the pages.
Mean Girls
(REGINA)
— 99 —
ENSEMBLE
I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN. TRANG PHAM IS A GROTSKY BEYOTCH! I BROUGHT THE GASOLINE. MS. NORBURY’S A DRUG PUSHER! I WANNA MAKE THE WORLD BURN.
JANIS & ENSEMBLE JANIS IS A PYRO LEZ!
JANIS That’s original. “Damian Hubbard is too gay to function?!” That’s only okay when I say it.
DAMIAN Wait, only Cady could have written that.
ENSEMBLE REGINA IS A FUGLY COW! REGINA IS A FUGLY COW!
REGINA
(ENSEMBLE)
AND YOU CAN QUOTE THIS… OOH…
WHO WROTE THIS? WHO WROTE THIS? WHO WROTE THIS?
I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN
OOH…
I GOT THE GASOLINE
OOH…
I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN, AND EV’RYONE TURN MEAN.
SO MEAN.
MEAN.
SO MEAN.
MEAN.
MEAN.
The STUDENTS break into fights. Back in the office, MR. DUVALL addresses CADY, GRETCHEN, and KAREN.
MR. DUVALL Ms. Heron, have you ever seen this book before?
CADY No. I mean, yes. I’ve seen it before but it’s not mine.
— 100 —
Mean Girls
GRETCHEN It’s Regina’s. She’s trying to make it look like we wrote it, but really she wrote it.
MR. DUVALL Ms. Wieners, why would Regina write, “Ms. Norbury is a sad old drug pusher?” She’s not in any of her classes.
CADY looks at GRETCHEN—WTF how did that get in there? GRETCHEN answers more for CADY’s benefit.
GRETCHEN Maybe someone else heard that rumor and thought it was funny and then that person secretly went to Regina’s house a couple times ‘cause I missed her?—
CADY shakes her head. Of course Gretchen spilled the tea.
MR. DUVALL And why would Regina refer to herself as a “Shady, fake-tanned, fugly cow?”
KAREN bursts out laughing. Ms. Smith, this is no laughing matter.
MS. NORBURY enters, out of breath, her glasses broken.
MS. NORBURY Rick, help! I tried to break up a fight and one of ‘em… stabbed me in the leg… with either an Epipen… or one of those pens that has five colors. Either way, my heart is racing.
MR. DUVALL Oh, hell no! I did not leave the Southside for this. All junior girls report to the gymnasium, immediately. Immediately!
Mean Girls
— 101 —
INT. GYMNASIUM—CONTINUOUS Angry GIRLS take their seats.
REGINA
ENSEMBLE
I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN.
AHH… WHO WROTE THIS? WHO WROTE THIS?
I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD TURN
AHH… WHO WROTE THIS?
SO
WHO WROTE THIS?
MEAN.
ENSEMBLE 1
ENSEMBLE 2
WHO WROTE THIS?
WHO WROTE THIS?
WHO WROTE THIS?
WHO WROTE THIS?
WHO WROTE THIS?
MEAN.
WHO WROTE THIS?
WHO COULD BE SO
REGINA I WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN.
Song buttons.
MR. DUVALL Never, ever, in my fourteen years as an educator have I seen such vicious behavior. And I used to teach computers at Joliet Penitentiary! I have half a mind to cancel your Spring Fling dance!
The GIRLS all gasp. No! But I’m not gonna do that, ‘cause we’ve already paid the deejay. Now who has something to say about this?
CAITLYN CAUSSIN raises her hand.
CAITLYN CAUSSIN (F3) Someone wrote in that book that I’m lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons. But I can’t help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!
MR. DUVALL Okay yeah, Ms. Norbury? I need you to run this.
MS. NORBURY Why me?
— 102 —
Mean Girls
MR. DUVALL I need to be able to tell parents we fixed this. And frankly you need to prove that whoever called you a “drug pusher” was just joking.
MS. NORBURY sighs and steps forward, holding the book.
MS. NORBURY Okay, hotshots, who wrote all this junk?
No reply. Cady, any ideas?
CADY No.
MS. NORBURY Interesting.
CADY looks away. REGINA stands.
REGINA Can I just say, all this happened because of a few bad people. And some of us shouldn’t have to participate in whatever this is, because some of us are just victims in this situation.
MS. NORBURY That’s a good point. Let’s get into that. Umm, everyone close your eyes
The GIRLS close their eyes. Okay, uh, raise your hand if you’ve ever had a girl say something bad about you behind your back.
They ALL raise hands. Open your eyes.
The GIRLS react. Now close your eyes again and this time, raise your hand if you’ve ever talked about a friend behind her back.
Slowly all the GIRLS raise hands. Open your eyes.
The GIRLS chuckle nervously. How ‘bout that. Maybe we should take a quick break from being “victims in this situation” and take responsibility for our own actions.
MS. NORBURY grabs a stack of the copied burn book pages and tears them into scraps.
Mean Girls
— 103 —
(MS. NORBURY) Everybody take a piece of paper. Line up over here. Let’s go. We’re going to write out some apologies to people we’ve hurt in our lives.
As the GIRLS line up, MS. NORBURY climbs up onto the table. ‘Cause one thing I know for sure, guys, is that calling someone ugly doesn’t make you better looking. Calling someone stupid won’t make you any smarter. We, as females, have to be able to trust and support each other. Like this.
MS. NORBURY turns around and falls backwards into the GIRLS. They scream and catch her. Good. That was good. That could have really backfired.
(to first in the line) Your turn.
The GIRLS get on the table to read their apologies, then “trust fall” into the CROWD.
SOPHIE (F4) Alyssa, I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.
Trust fall.
RACHEL HAMILTON (F6) Morgan, I’m sorry I said you look like you comb your hair with a chicken bone. I know you’re a vegetarian.
Trust fall.
KAREN Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea on the Ferris wheel. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.
(giggles) And I’m sorry for the people who were below us.
Trust fall.
TEARY GIRL (F5) I just wish we could all get along like we used to in elementary school. I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles, and we could all eat it and be happy—
DAMIAN She doesn’t even go here!
MS. NORBURY Do you even go to this school?
— 104 —
Mean Girls
TEARY GIRL (F5) I’m here for a track meet, but I have a lot of feelings.
MS. NORBURY Okay, go home, sweetheart.
MS. NORBURY helps TEARY GIRL down. JANIS gets up to read her confession. REGINA snarks…
REGINA Oh my God, it’s her dream come true. Diving into a big pile of girls.
GIRLS laugh. JANIS makes a decision.
JANIS Okay, sure. I have an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year, and I convinced her that it’d be fun to mess up Regina George’s life. So we gave her these candy bar things to make her gain weight. And we turned her best friends against her. Oh and then Cady—you know my friend Cady? She got Regina’s boyfriend to dump her.
The GIRLS react. That’s huge. But then my friend Cady turned out to be just as phony and selfish as Regina George.
#2 0 — I ’ d R a t h e r B e Me So my apology is to myselt. ‘Cause I should have known better. SO YOUR BEST FRIEND SCREWED YOU OVER, ACTED NICE WHEN SHE NOT NICE, WELL, I HAVE SOME ADVICE, ‘CAUSE IT HAPPENED TO ME. TWICE. HERE’S MY SECRET STRATEGY. IT ALWAYS WORKS BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN’T END. IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT DOES. JUST RAISE YOUR RIGHT FINGER.
(flips the bird) AND SOLEMNLY SWEAR. “WHATEVER THEY SAY ABOUT ME, I DON’T CARE!” I WON’T TWIST IN KNOTS TO JOIN YOUR GAME, I WILL SAY “YOU MAKE ME MAD.” AND IF YOU TREAT ME BAD, I’LL SAY YOU’RE BAD. AND IF I EAT ALONE FROM THIS MOMENT ON
Mean Girls
— 105 —
(JANIS) THEN THAT’S JUST WHAT I’LL DO ‘CAUSE I’D RATHER BE ME, I’D RATHER BE ME, I’D RATHER BE ME THAN BE WITH YOU. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ALL BE LADIES, AND BE NURTURING AND CARE. AND IS IT REALLY FAIR? BOYS GET TO FIGHT, WE HAVE TO SHARE. HERE’S THE WAY THAT THAT TURNS OUT, WE ALWAYS UNDERSTAND HOW TO SLAP SOMEONE DOWN WITH OUR UNDERHAND. SO HERE’S MY RIGHT FINGER
(flips the bird) TO “HOW GIRLS SHOULD BEHAVE.” ‘CAUSE SOMETIMES WHAT’S MEANT TO BREAK YOU MAKES YOU BRAVE. SO I WILL NOT ACT ALL INNOCENT. I WON’T FAKE APOLOGIZE. LET’S FIGHT AND THEN MAKE UP, NOT TELL THESE LIES. CALL OUR DAMAGE EVEN. CLEAN THE SLATE ‘TIL IT’S LIKE NEW. IT’S A NEW LIFE FOR ME. WHERE I’D RATHER BE ME, I’D RATHER BE ME THAN BE WITH YOU.
(JANIS)
ENSEMBLE
I’LL SAY “NO!” NO!
JANIS I’LL SAY, “KNOCK IT OFF, WITH YOUR NOTES AND YOUR RULES AND YOUR GAMES.”
— 106 —
Mean Girls
(JANIS) AND THOSE SYCOPHANTS WHO FOLLOW YOU I’LL REMEMBER ALL THEIR NAMES. AND WHEN THEY DRAG YOU DOWN LIKE THEY INEVITABLY DO, I WILL NOT LAUGH ALONG WITH THEM AND APPROVE THEIR PALACE COUP,
(JANIS) ‘CAUSE THAT’S NOT ME.
ENSEMBLE Jan-is! Jan-is! Jan-is! Jan-is!
CADY Regina, wait!
Mean Girls
— 107 —
EXT. SCHOOL—CONTINUOUS JANIS
(ENSEMBLE)
I DON’T NEED
Jan-is! Jan-is!
THEIR GOOD OPINIONS,
Jan-is! Jan-is!
I HAVE PLENTY OF OPINIONS
Jan-is! Jan-is!
EV’RY ASSHOLE HAS OPINIONS,
Jan-is! Jan-is!
BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM TRUE, WHAT’S TRUE IS BEING ME, I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME
I’D RATHER BE ME
THAN BE WITH YOU!
THAN BE WITH YOU!
SO RAISE ‘EM HIGH,
YEAH!
JANIS flips the bird and leads the GIRLS… ‘CAUSE PLAYING NICE AND SHY
YEAH!
IS INSULTING MY IQ.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME
I’D RATHER BE ME,
THAN BE WITH YOU! I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME!
I’D RATHER BE ME,
I’D RATHER BE ME!
I’D RATHER BE ME
I’D RATHER BE ME!
THAN BE WITH YOU!
Song buttons. CADY chases after REGINA during the playoff…
#2 0 A — I ’ d R a t h e r B e M e ( T a g ) CADY Regina, wait—
JANIS & ENSEMBLE Jan-is! Jan-is!
REGINA You know what they say about you? They say you are a home-schooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of me.
Jan-is! Jan-is! I’D RATHER BE ME, I’D RATHER BE ME, I’D RATHER BE ME THAN BE WITH YOU! I’D RATHER BE ME,
— 108 —
Mean Girls
CADY
JANIS & ENSEMBLE
I never meant to hurt—
I’D RATHER BE ME,
REGINA So you can take your fake apology, roll it up tight and shove it up your fat hairy pee-hole.
I’D RATHER BE ME THAN BE WITH—
REGINA is hit by a bus. BLACKOUT. Spotlight on JANIS, then OTHERS.
JANIS And that’s how Regina George died.
#2 0 B — H ow R e g i n a D i e d DAMIAN joins her.
DAMIAN Once again, no one died! I mean, technically Regina did die for, like, fifteen seconds but then she was revived. And of course the rumor mill started going insane.
LIZZIE THERMAN (F2) I hear Regina jumped in front of the bus.
RACHEL HAMILTON (F6) I hear Cady Heron pushed her.
STUDENT (F1) I heard Regina and Cady were both on fentanyl that they bought from Ms. Norbury.
STUDENT (F7) My dad says Ms. Norbury’s gonna get fired, and that none of this would’ve happened if we all just had guns.
COACH CARR (M3) Now a lot of yins may have questions about all the violence that happened the other day. Well here’s what no one’s gonna tell ya. Girls are made deranged by what’s called hormones. Hormones.
(writes on the board) W.H.O.R.—
PEOPLE stare at CADY, judgmental. MR. DUVALL enters to disperse the CROWD.
Mean Girls
— 109 —
MR. DUVALL All right, everyone, make your way to class please. Ms. Norbury’s class please follow me to the library. Your classroom is currently closed for investigation. Ms. Norbury is on a, uh— leave of absence—
TYLER KIMBLE (M4) Jail.
MR. DUVALL Hey! I heard that, Mr. Kimble.
CADY DID YOU EVER GET A FEELING THAT YOU’D REALLY LIKE TO HIDE NOW, BUT THE OLD YOU IN YOUR HEART SAYS “TAKE THE BLAME THAT’S YOURS.” WHAT A BRAVE YET STUPID FEELING, AND IT WILL NOT STAY INSIDE NOW NO, IT ROARS IT ROARS IT—
I did it.
EVERYONE turns to look, including AARON. I started the rumor that Ms. Norbury is a drug pusher, and it’s a lie.
MR. DUVALL shakes his head.
MR. DUVALL Three weeks suspension. And you’re banned from Spring Fling.
As PEOPLE disperse, AARON passes CADY. He doesn’t talk to her either. Transition to:
— 110 —
Mean Girls
CADY’S HOUSE MS. HERON is shocked.
MS. HERON Suspended? This is not who I know you to be.
CADY I know.
MS. HERON And they say that George girl was badly hurt.
CADY Yeah.
MS. HERON I found dried vomit in the oven—
CADY (immediately) I had a party when you were gone.
MS. HERON You have lost your way, young lady.
CADY I know.
MS. HERON (getting frustrated) Is there anything else I need to worry about?
CADY No. Oh, wait. I need you to sign my Calculus test. ‘Cause I’m failing.
At a loss for words, MS. HERON screams.
#2 0 C — R e g i na G o e s T o D i s n e y Transition to:
Mean Girls
— 111 —
INT. REGINA’S HOUSE (OR A HOSPITAL?)—TWO WEEKS LATER MRS. GEORGE wheels REGINA in a wheelchair. CADY is carrying flowers.
MRS. GEORGE Okay I’m gonna leave you two besties to catch up. Would anybody like a white wine? Just me? Okay.
MRS. GEORGE exits.
CADY You look pretty.
REGINA I’m wearing a spinal halo.
CADY I’m sorry about the bus. I feel like it’s all my fault.
REGINA Stop making this about you. I’m the one who got hit by a bus.
CADY Well, I’m sorry if I took your place in the food chain—
REGINA (shutting this down) Not your fault. Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.
(then) But. Yeah. I’m going to forgive you. Because I’m on a lot of pain medication right now. You know I died for fifteen seconds, right? Spoiler alert: heaven looks like a really nice hotel in Miami.
CADY That’s cool—
MRS. GEORGE pokes her head in, giddy!
MRS. GEORGE Regina, they showed us on the news again! Channel Five called your recovery a “miracle” and they showed a picture of me crying!
REGINA She’s so psyched. Rich blonde women love pity. ‘Cause it’s so hard for them to get.
She and CADY share a laugh.
— 112 —
Mean Girls
(REGINA) (then) Anyway. I know I have to change. I know I was harsh. And people say I’m a bitch. But you know what they would call me if I was a boy?
CADY Strong?
REGINA “Reginald.” That’s what my mom was gonna name me if I was a boy, so honestly I’d rather be “bitch.”
REGINA stands.
REGINA Thanks for coming to see me. You and Janis were the only ones not scared to do it.
CADY Oh wow. Janis was here?
REGINA starts to push her own wheelchair out.
REGINA Yeah. Don’t tell anyone I can walk yet, by the way. My mom is booking a trip to Disney and she wants to cut the line.
CADY You got it.
Transition to:
Mean Girls
— 113 —
INT. CALCULUS CLASS—THE NEXT DAY #2 0 D — I ’ d R at he r B e D r u g s CADY takes her paper up. AARON is nearby.
MS. NORBURY Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?
CADY No. I’m just done with my quiz.
MS. NORBURY I’ll grade it right now.
(takes the paper) You know, when the police tore apart my house looking for imaginary heroin, I found this old calculator I thought I had lost. So, totally worth it.
CADY I’m really sorry.
MS. NORBURY (genuine) Thank you.
(hands guiz back) One hundred.
AARON Welcome back, nerd.
CADY Thanks.
AARON exits.
MS. NORBURY So you’re banned from Spring Fling tonight, huh?
CADY Yeah.
MS. NORBURY Perfect. Guess what else is tonight?
KEVIN G. appears with his MATHLETE FRIENDS.
— 114 —
Mean Girls
KEVIN G. Yo yo, Mathletes State Championship 2024, what. First female lion on the team, what. A box lunch will be provided—
KEVIN G. & MATHLETES (M4 / M2) What!
KEVIN G. Let’s do this.
CADY I haven’t thought about math in months.
KEVIN G. One hundreds don’t lie! Don’t fight it. You got mad schquillz.
MARWAN JITLA (M2) Kev, stop trying to make “schquillz” happen. It’s not gonna happen.
KEVIN G. Marwan, get oft my dick.
MS. NORBURY Hey! Language please!
CADY, KEVIN G., & MATHLETES (M4 / M2) Let’s go! Mathletes!
#2 1 — S t u p i d W i t h L o v e ( R e p r i s e ) / M a t h l e t e s M o n t a g e KAREN enters to get ready for Spring Fling.
KAREN Hi.
Text of the following on screen: “Get Ready with Me For Spring Fling, While I Explain How I’m Stupid.”
“Stupid with Love” score under. KAREN mists her face with toner, etc. as she talks. Firstly, I know you’re going to be like, “Aww, Karen, you’re not stupid.” But mostly I am. I’m failing all my classes, and I frequently get in cars with strangers. But even though numbers look like spaghetti to me, there are some things that I know for sure. Such as “dogs are boys and cats are girls.” And also, if a boy ever asks you to “send nudes”—you should always crop your head off. Honestly, they don’t even miss it.
Mean Girls
— 115 —
(KAREN) (then) And also also, if I get “accommodations” in school, like extra time and makeup tests, maybe Cady Heron needs “accommodations” in life. Like, extra time to make a better choice. And a “make-up test” with her friends. ‘CAUSE AT FIRST I WAS SO MAD, I WROTE DOWN “CADY” ON SOME PAPER, AND I ATE IT. THEN WONDERED WHY. I MEAN, YEAH, WHAT SHE DID WAS BAD BUT ALSO HUMAN AND THE WHOLE THING ESCALATED SO MAYBE NEXT TIME TRY NOT TO BE STUPID. YOU MIGHT NOT GET IT: EV’RY DAY I GET THINGS WRONG. BUT TRY AGAIN, EVENTUALLY THEN, YOU GET LESS STUPID, AND FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU BELONG.
— 116 —
Mean Girls
TRANSITION TO MATHLETES COMPETITION MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6)
ENSEMBLE
Welcome to the ICMT State final math championships, sponsored by no one. Tonight will be the culmination of all you’ve worked for. Each right answer will be worth two points. The highest score at the end of forty minutes of play wins. As always, no calculators.
STUPID… DON’T BE STUPID… STUPID… DON’T BE STUPID…
MATHLETES are all hitting buzzers and shouting answers.
KEVIN G. [BUZZ] X EQUALS TWO!
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) CORRECT.
MARYMOUNT 1 (M3) [BUZZ] THE RATE IS TWO PI.
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) CORRECT.
MARYMOUNT 2 (M5) [BUZZ] X IS GREATER THAN
(pause) THE VALUE OF Y!
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) CORRECT.
KEVIN G. & MARWAN (M2) [BUZZ] BOTH POLYNOMIALS ARE SECOND DEGREE, SO THE ASYMPTOTE IS AT Y EQUALS THREE.
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) CORRECT.
ALL SMART WITH MATH,
CADY [BUZZ] NEGATIVE FOUR.
NOT STUPID!
MARYMOUNT 1 (M4) [BUZZ] NEGATIVE TWO.
MODERATOR CORRECT!
CORRECT!
Mean Girls
ALL
KEVIN G.
— 117 —
MODERATOR
SMART WITH MATH, [BUZZ] THE SLOPE IS ZERO. CORRECT!
CAROLINE KRAFFT
NOT STUPID!
[BUZZ] THE ANSWER IS TRUE, CORRECT!
MARYMOUNT 2 (M2) [BUZZ] THE POINT OF AND YOU CAN GET IT,
MARYMOUNTS PLEASE DON’T
INFLECTION
MARWAN (M2) [BUZZ] TWENTY-NINE.
CORRECT!
KEVIN G. & MARWAN
GET IT!
GET IT! GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!
CADY [BUZZ] FOUR IS THE SLOPE OF THE TANGENT LINE!
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. In the event of a tie, we move into a one-on-one sudden death round in which each team may choose their opponent. Marymount, who do you select?
MARYMOUNT CAPTAIN (M5) We pick the girl.
KEVIN G. We pick the girl, too.
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) Ms. Krafft and Ms. Heron, please step forward.
CAROLINE and CADY move center. CADY offers her hand.
CADY Nice to meet you—
CAROLINE KRAFFT (F2) You’re going down, slut.
CADY is in shock.
— 118 —
Mean Girls
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) Contestants, find the limit of this equation.
Equation appears on the screen. As they work it out on paper:
CADY (sotto, to CAROLINE) You know, it’s not me against you. It’s North Shore versus Marymount. A very wise teacher once told me that making someone else feel bad won’t make you—
CAROLINE KRAFFT rings in.
CAROLINE KRAFFT (F2) The limit is negative one!
CADY Shuck. I meant to say shoot and then I almost said f—
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) That answer is incorrect. If Ms. Heron can answer correctly, we have a winner.
CADY Why can’t I remember anything about limits? Why did you waste time insulting me? Why did I waste time judging your hair? This is not a competition!
KEVIN G. (beat, then quietly) It kind of is, though.
CADY Yes. A math one. I WAS STUPID… BUT NOW I GET IT NOW I GET THE THING I MISSED: [IF] WE DON’T SEE EACH OTHER AS THE ENEMY WE HAVE NO LIMIT THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST!
(then, getting it) The limit does not exist!
MATHLETES MODERATOR (M6) Our new state champions, the North Shore Mathletes!
Mean Girls
— 119 —
KEVIN G. (ripping off shirt) Aw yeh! You like that, Marymount?
MS. NORBURY runs “on stage” to celebrate with the MATHLETES. CADY shakes CAROLINE’s hand. In the playoff…
KEVIN G. Mathletes, roll out. We still got time to make it to Spring Fling.
CADY I can’t. I’m banned.
MS. NORBURY I’ll get you in. Everyone’s afraid of me now, it’s great.
CADY Thank you!
(CADY)
ENSEMBLE STUPID WITH LOVE!
BUT NOW I GET IT! STUPID WITH LOVE! BUT NOW I GET IT! STUPID WITH LOVE! BUT NOW I GET IT! DON’T BE STUPID!
— 120 —
Mean Girls
INT. GYMNASIUM, NIGHT—CONTINUOUS MR. DUVALL is on the stage with the Spring Fling NOMINEES, including AARON.
MR. DUVALL (on the mic) Okay, can I have all our nominees for Spring Fling King and Queen here on the stage? I just want to say that you’re all winners and that I could not be happier that this school year is ending. The winner of Spring Fling King is…
#2 1 B — S p r i n g Fl i n g (opens envelope) Aaron Samuels.
AARON steps forward. SHANE slaps him on the back, psyched.
SHANE OMAN (M1) That’s my boy! I know him!
MR. DUVALL Boys are not complicated. God bless.
CADY spots JANIS and DAMIAN slow dancing.
CADY Janis. Can I talk to you?
JANIS No. I’m busy right now. My date and I are hooking up.
JANIS kisses DAMIAN. He palms her face and turns it away.
DAMIAN Ew.
CADY Janis, please—
MR. DUVALL And the winner of Spring Fling Queen is…
(opens envelope) Caddy Heron.
(CADY) What?
Mean Girls
— 121 —
JANIS Unbelievable.
CADY makes her way to the stage. She passes AARON and he puts the crown on her head.
CADY Wow. Um, I think people voted for me ‘cause they think I pushed someone in front of a bus. Which is terrible.
REGINA Not your fault! Don’t apologize!
CADY No, I won’t. But what is my fault is the way I treated my friends. I lied to you and I left you out, and I’m sorry.
MR. DUVALL You know it isn’t really required of you to make a speech.
CADY Almost finished I promise. When I first moved here, I wanted everyone to like me so bad… I kind of lost myself in the process… We all do that, I think. We think we have to change ourselves to be good enough. But looking at you guys from up here… I wish you could see it. You’re awesome.
MR. DUVALL Really. Most people just take the crown and go.
#2 2 — I S e e S t a r s CADY CROWN. RIGHT. HERE, IN THIS LIGHT? IT COULD BE PLATINUM. ACTU’LLY IT’S KIND OF DUMB.
We could really just share it. CHEAP. FAKE. EASY TO BREAK. THAT’S HOW I USED TO BE.
(breaks crown) HERE. TAKE IT.
— 122 —
Mean Girls
(CADY) NOW I’M AWAKE. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I SEE: PLASTIC DON’T SHINE, GLITTER DON’T SHINE, RHINESTONES DON’T SHINE THE WAY YOU DO. YOU ARE SO REAL. YOU ARE SO RARE. I SEE YOU THERE— I SEE YOU. I SEE STARS. SO MANY STARS TONIGHT. YOU COULD MAKE DIAMONDS DULL. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. I SEE STARS. YOU SHINE AS BRIGHT AS DAY. I WILL LOOK OUT FOR YOU. WE’LL LIGHT EACH OTHER’S WAY. YOU’RE ALL STARS. SEE, I WENT LOW, NOT HIGH. THAT WAS MY PROBLEM. MINE. DON’T BE FRIGHTENED LIKE ME THE DARKER THE NIGHT THE BRIGHTER YOU SHINE.
JANIS PLASTIC DON’T SHINE,
CADY GLITTER DON’T SHINE,
JANIS RHINESTONES DON’T SHINE THE WAY YOU DO.
CADY & JANIS YOU ARE ON FIRE.
Mean Girls
— 123 —
(CADY & JANIS) YOU CAN RISE HIGH’R. UP IN THE SKY, ENJOY THE VIEW.
CADY YOU STARS SO MANY STARS TONIGHT YOU COULD MAKE DIAMONDS DULL. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. I SEE STARS. YOU ARE FETCH, AND YOU ARE RARE. I WANT TO SAY, I SEE YOU THERE: IT’S ME AND YOU NOT US AND HER ‘CAUSE IF WE KNEW
CADY, PLASTICS, & JANIS HOW STRONG WE WERE
CADY WE’D LIGHT UP THE SKY YOU AND I!
ENSEMBLE LIKE STARS!
CADY and AARON kiss.
DAMIAN And so, freshmen, the moral of our story is thus: Calling someone stupid won’t make you any smarter.
JANIS And even the people you don’t like at all, are still people.
DAMIAN & JANIS So, get off their dicks.
JASON WEEMS (M5) Three, two, one, yeah!
JASON WEEMS takes a group selfie.
— 124 —
Mean Girls
ALL
ENSEMBLE (SMALL GROUP)
I SEE STARS.
I SEE STARS.
SO MANY STARS TONIGHT.
I SEE STARS.
WE COULD MAKE DIAMONDS DULL.
I SEE STARS.
WE ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
I SEE STARS.
(ALL) I SEE STARS. WE SHINE AS BRIGHT AS DAY. I WILL LOOK OUT FOR YOU. WE’LL LIGHT EACH OTHER’S WAY. WE ARE SO REAL. WE ARE SO RARE. WE SEE YOU THERE. WE SEE YOU. WE’RE ALL STARS! WE’RE ALL STARS! SO MANY STARS! STARS!
END OF ACT II #2 3 — B o ws
#2 3 A — D on’ t B e Me a n ALL DON’T BE MEAN!
#2 4 — W e ’ r e Ex i t i n g