Beetlejuice Perusal Script

Libretto

Pre-Release

[Broadway Script April 2019]

Music & Lyrics by

Book by

Eddie Perfect

Scott Brown & Anthony King

Based on the Geffen Company Picture, with a story by Michael McDowell & Larry Wilson

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Book © 2019 Scott Brown and Anthony King Music & Lyrics © 2019 Eddie Perfect “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)” Words and Music by Irving Burgie and William Attaway © 1956 Caribe Music (ASCAP) All Rights Administered by BMG Rights Management (US) LLC. Used By Permission. All Rights Reserved.

“Jump In the Line” Written by Harry Belafonte, Ralph de Leon, Gabriel Oller, and Steve Samuel © 1961 Clara Music Publishing Corp.

BEETLEJUICE A musical Music & Lyrics by Eddie Perfect Book by Scott Brown & Anthony King

BROADWAY SCRIPT: 4/25/19

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 1.

ACT ONE SCENE ONE House lights are still up, the stage curtain’s closed. The audience still chitter-chattering. Then-ENSEMBLE (V.O.) DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN GO Thunder. Lightning. Lights up on A GRAVEYARD. In the distance, high on a hill: a late-Victorian Farmhouse.

A PRIEST, a CASKET and a group of MOURNERS, BLACK UMBRELLAS raised high.

AH AH AH AH

MOURNERS

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH PRIEST In times like these, we have no words. We have only each other. Today we come together to mourn the passing of Emily Deetz. Devoted wife of Charles-(Spotlight on a stolid businessman among the mourners. This is CHARLES) PRIEST (cont'd) --beloved mother to Lydia-(Lights up on LYDIA, 15, dark, smart and struggling. She stands alone - apart from the crowd.)

PRIEST (cont'd) Scripture tells us, "sorrow not, for we do not walk alone..."

(The Priest's drone fades as--) LYDIA YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE SAD CLOCKS TICK AND PHONES STILL RING THE WORLD CARRIES ON LIKE MAD BUT NOBODY SEES A THING WHISPERING BEHIND THEIR HANDS (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 2.

LYDIA (cont'd) LOST FOR KIND WORDS TO SAY NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THEN EVERYONE GOES AWAY GROWN UPS WANT TO FIX THINGS WHEN THEY CAN’T IT ONLY FILLS THEM WITH SHAME SO THEY JUST LOOK AWAY IS IT BEING GREEDY TO NEED SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY MY NAME? SEEMS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR MOM NO ONE TURNS OFF THE SUN FOLKS CARRY ON AND THAT’S THAT YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE SAD (One last look at the mourners around the coffin - and Lydia exits.

The crowd of MOURNERS parts to reveal BEETLEJUICE sitting on the edge of the coffin, reading a NEWSPAPER that BLOCKS HIS FACE. Headline: "SANDWORM INCIDENTS INCREASE 13% FROM LAST YEAR" The Mourners DON'T SEE HIM.) BEETLEJUICE Holy crap! A ballad already? (he lowers the newspaper) And such a bold departure from the original source material.

(He CRUMPLES the paper and tosses it.)

(MUSIC IN.) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) HEY FOLKS! BEGGIN’ YOUR PARDON WELCOME TO THE WINTER GARDEN LET’S SKIP THE TEARS AND START ON THE WHOLE, YA KNOW “BEING DEAD” THING YOU'RE DOOMED! ENJOY THE SINGING THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES IS SWINGING AND IF I HEAR YOUR CELLPHONE RINGING I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF THE WHOLE “BEING DEAD” THING! DEATH CAN GET A PERSON STRESSED "WE SHOULDA CARPE’D WAY MORE DIEMS NOW WE’RE NEVER GONNA SEE ‘EM" I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT COMES NEXT SO DON’T BE FREAKED, STAY IN YOUR SEATS, I DO THIS BULLSHIT LIKE EIGHT TIMES A WEEK. SO JUST RELAX (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 3.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) YOU'LL BE FINE DRINK YOUR FIFTY-DOLLAR WINE AND TAKE A BREATH MOURNERS WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! BEETLEJUICE YOU’RE... YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE ON THE OTHER SIDE (DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!) I’LL... I’LL BE YOUR GUIDE TO THE OTHER SIDE-MOURNERS OH AND FULL DISCLOSURE IT'S A SHOW ABOUT DEATH BEETLEJUICE EVERYBODY GETS ON FINE HERE LIKE RODGERS, HART AND HAMMERSTEIN HERE THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM HAS NO LINE HERE JUST PEE WHERE YOU WANT THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING YOU'RE JUST GONNA LOVE THE FOLKS HERE YES, I KNOW YOU'RE WOKE BUT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE HERE AND EVERY SHOW I DO, LIKE, A TON OF COKE HERE THE WHOLE--<SNORT>--BEING DEAD THING! BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) MOURNERS NOBODY IS BULLET PROOF DIES IRAE "I WORK OUT! I EAT CLEAN!" JESUS, PASS THE DRAMAMINE TIME TO FACE THE BRUTAL TRUTH DIES ILLA CAUSE WE'RE ALL ON A HIT LIST AH MIGHT NOT LIVE TO CHRISTMAS AH CHOKE TO DEATH ON TRISCUITS AH AH HEY! THAT'S JUST STATISTICS AH SO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK HERE AH IT'S KINDA LIKE A WAKE HERE AH THE SCENERY IS FAKE HERE AH AH BUT THERE'S A GIANT SNAKE AH AH AH AH HERE! MOURNERS (cont'd) WELCOME TO A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! BEETLEJUICE YOU’RE... YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE...

Thank you!

ON THE OTHER SIDE...

How you doin'? Whoa. Not good.

I’LL... I’LL BE YOUR GUIDE... YEAH! TO THE OTHER SIDE. SERIOUSLY THOUGH THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT DEATH!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 4.

MOURNERS DEATH IS TABOO BUT IT'S HARDLY SOMETHING NEW THERE'S NOTHING MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS CAN DO EXCEPT MAYBE JUST BILL YOU. BEETLEJUICE (to audience) If you die during this performance, the show WILL NOT STOP. HALF THE MOURNERS THERE'S NO DESTINY OR FATE FILLED WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU HATE AND ON A CERTAIN DATE THE UNIVERSE KILLS YOU

HALF THE MOURNERS JUST A TERRIFYING WAIT AND ON A CERTAIN DATE THE UNIVERSE KILLS YOU

BEETLEJUICE THAT'S THE THING WITH LIFE, NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) TOSS THAT BODY IN THE PIT "GOSH IT'S AWFUL!" "AIN'T IT TRAGIC?" "BLAH BLAH BIBLE JESUS MAGIC!" WHEN YOU'RE DEAD WHO GIVES A SHIT? NO PILATES NO MORE YOGA NAMASTE YOU FREAKIN' POSERS

MOURNERS AH AH AH AH AH AH

FROM THE CRADLE TO CREMATION DEATH JUST NEEDS A LITTLE CONVERSATION I HAVE MASTERED THE ART

DIES IRAE OH SO IRAE

OF TEARING CONVENTION APART SO HOW 'BOUT WE ALL MAKE A START ON THE WHOLE, BEING DEAD THING

AH AH AH AH AH AH

DIES IRAE DIES IRAE DIES IRAE AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

BEETLEJUICE & MOURNERS GOD I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! (Applause. The Mourners exit.)

BEETLEJUICE Thank you. Thank you. That’s an old Scandinavian folk song.

Like to think I put my own spin on it. But what's the point!?

(MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 5.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) You saw those schmucks up here. They look right through me.

I'm invisible. Powerless. Like a gay Republican. (then) And it's not fair! I'm a dead guy stuck in the world of the living. With nothing and nobody to share it with. All I want is for someone, anyone to look my way and say: (group therapy) "I SEE you. I ACCEPT you. I FEAR FOR MY SAFETY around you." (then) Cause dead or alive, you don't got someone who really GETS you, you are gonna feel lonely and worthless and you're never gonna hit your goal weight cause you EAT when you're SAD! (to some guy in the audience) This guy knows what I'm talkin' about.

(Sad underscoring out.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Here's the good news: I found a way to make EVERYONE see me.

All I gotta do is get a living person to say my name three times. And I got a plan. See that tiny little house up there?

(FANFARE as the curtain rises to reveal a fullproscenium cutout of a lovely VICTORIAN FARMHOUSE. Everything inside’s an antique in mid-restoration. But nothing seems finished.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) It's a lot bigger on the inside! And the people who live here? I've been watching them for AWHILE. Oh yeah - it's been VERY creepy! But now - finally - they're about to die.

They're gonna be my new best friends!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 6.

SCENE TWO The front door opens. ADAM MAITLAND - a sweet, flannel-clad man with an endless array of hobbies enters. He can’t see Beetlejuice.

Barbara!? I’m home!

ADAM

(BARBARA MAITLAND enters from the kitchen - a lapsed professional doing the "hipster homey" thing. She carries TWO HOMEMADE PITCHERS.) BEETLEJUICE Adam and Barbara Maitland!

BARBARA Was there traffic on the bridge?

ADAM Bill Hadley on his tractor. I was like, "Pick a lane, Bill!"

BEETLEJUICE Isn't this amazing!? It's the last day of their entire lives and THIS is what they're talking about.

ADAM So crazy story-- I got all the way to Howard's store and Howard tells me they're out of stock.

Oh no.

BARBARA (busy with her pitchers)

ADAM Buuut I asked Howard Junior to check in the back for me---smart--

BARBARA

ADAM --so he sends little Howard the Third and long story short, I got the last bottle of Manchurian Tung Oil. BEETLEJUICE See? This is what life is! It's just a bunch of Howards and then you die.

(An off-stage HOME PHONE rings.)

I'll get it.

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 7.

BEETLEJUICE Oh, they're both gonna get it. It's gonna be so good. For all of us.

(Barbara heads off to the kitchen. Adam pulls a dropcloth off an ANTIQUE CRIB.) ADAM (to crib, re: the oil) Hey old girl, let's get you finished.

BEETLEJUICE Finished? Adam. We're just getting started.

(Beetlejuice heads off as Adam sets to work.)

ADAM LOOK AT THIS CRIB IN ALL OF ITS GLORIOUS ANTIQUERY EVERY CURVE AND SURFACE SPEAKS TO ME SAYIN’ “PAMPER AND SPOIL ME! SAND ME AND OIL ME! COME ON!” I KNOW TO THE UNTRAINED EYE IT’S BORING BUT NOTHING’S A CHORE WHEN YOU’RE RESTORING APART FROM FRUSTRATION, PAIN, AND FINANCIAL DRAIN - IT’S FUN! FOLKS SAY “ADAM...

WHY DO YOU POLISH A CRIB WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A KID AND EVEN IF YOU DID HAVE A KID THIS CRIB IS TOO PRECIOUS FOR PLACING A BABY INSIDE IT SO IT SIMPLY EXISTS TO REMIND YOU YOUR SENSE OF PERFECTION IS JUST A REFLECTION THAT YOU ARE NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO MAKE ROOM FOR A KIDADAM...

WHY DON’T YOU LIVE, ADAM? JUST MAKE A START!” ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? READY SET! READY SET! (Beetlejuice reenters, followed by Barbara.)

Big news...!

BEETLEJUICE (motioning to Barbara)

BARBARA That was the O'Briens calling.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 8.

ADAM Don't worry! I'll have this crib ready before that baby gets here.

She had it yesterday.

BARBARA

ADAM Oh, that's great! Then I guess there's no rush. Want some lunch?

Make me a sandwich?

BARBARA (re: her pitchers)

One sandwich coming up!

ADAM

(He KISSES Barbara and exits.)

BEETLEJUICE Spoiler alert: She's never gonna eat that sandwich.

(He starts off toward the kitchen.)

LOOK AT THESE JUGS!

BARBARA

(Beetlejuice shakes his head - not touching that one - and exits. Barbara sets to work.)

BARBARA (cont'd) AMAZINGLY GLAZED AND TERRACOTTA-RY I TOOK SOME CLAY AND MADE YOU POTTERY THE WORLD WILL NEVER WRECK YOU I’LL PROTECT YOU IN A MOTHER’S EMBRACE FOLKS SAY ‘BARBARA...

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT CERAMICS IS SIMPLY A MANIFESTATION OF MOTHERLY PANIC

BY MAKING A BABY THAT'S BREAKABLE AREN'T YOU CREATING A WAY OF TRANSLATING THE TERROR OF MAKING MATERNAL MISTAKES INTO CLAY HIDING AWAY SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FACE BEING A BAD MOM, BARBARA THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BARBARA JUST MAKE A START...'

ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? READY SET! (Adam reenters with two sandwiches and puts them on the table--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 9.

ADAM & BARBARA HERE WE STAND AT THE END OF A TEN YEAR PLAN A HOUSE, A YARD, A MINIVAN A BABY SHOULD BE NEXT TOGETHER LET'S LEAP OFF THE CLIFF FALL FOREVER THEN SMASH TO BITS TRAPPED IN A TERRIFYING VIPER PIT OF DIAPERS, AND REGRET ARE WE WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? READY SET! READY SET! NOT YET NOT YET WHY RUSH? WHY RUSH?

ADAM BARBARA ADAM BARBARA ADAM BARBARA

ADAM AND BARBARA SOON ENOUGH OUR HOPES AND OUR DREAMS WILL BE CRUSHED BUT NOT YET NOT YET NOT NOW NOT NOW

BARBARA ADAM BARBARA ADAM (Adam steps on an old, creaky floorboard.)

ADAM (cont'd) <CREAK!> WOAH <CREAK!> NO! <CREAK!> See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 10.

BARBARA You are absolutely right.

LET'S ADD IT TO THE LIST! WITH THE CRACKS IN THE PLASTER ADAM THE WI-FI SHOULD BE FASTER THIS SOFA NEEDS A CASTER THE BATHROOM’S A DISASTER

BARBARA ADAM

BARBARA WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL POVERTY? WHAT ABOUT WORLD PEACE?

ADAM

BARBARA THEN THERE’S THE WHOLE DARN ECONOMY THE WHOLE MIDDLE-EAST WE SHOULD LEARN MANDARIN!

ADAM BARBARA

ADAM YEAH, OR SPANISH AT LEAST! ADAM AND BARBARA NO HABLA ESPAÑOL DOS CERVEZA POR FAVOR AND THAT’S ALL WE GOT AND THAT’S NOT A LOT DO WE WANT A BILINGUAL HOUSEHOLD OR NOT? (Beetlejuice reenters to enjoy their demise.)

ADAM AND BARBARA (cont'd) SO LET’S GO SLOW, NO BREAKING A SWEAT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING CHILDREN IF WE’RE DROWNING IN DEBT? YEAH WE’RE TOTALLY COMPLETELY! MAYBE EIGHTY PERCENT?

BARBARA ADAM BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 11.

I'D SAY SEVENTY-EIGHT...

READY TO TAKE...

ADAM ADAM AND BARBARA

ADAM AND BARBARA (cont'd) THE NEXT STEP

BEETLEJUICE (scatting) YEAH

THE NEXT STEP

DIP A DIBBA DAH

THE NEXT STEP

A DIBBA DAH DIP A DUH

THE NEXT STEP READY, SET, LET’S...

ADAM AND BARBARA (cont'd)

(The floorboard CREAKS and gives way. The Maitlands fall screaming through the floor.)

BEETLEJUICE SEE I WASN'T KIDDING IT'S A SHOW ABOUT DEATH! (And as the audience applauds--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 12.

SCENE THREE --Beetlejuice addresses the audience again, clapping along with them-BEETLEJUICE Whoa! People just died and you guys are clapping? I love it!

You're really gettin' comfy with the whole being dead thing.

Now here's the plan: *I* can't make a living person say my name, but with a little help from me, those newlydeads CAN. Then the B-man's free and the Mai Tais are on me! But first... we gotta toss the rule book-(The WHISTLE of a cartoon bomb falling.

Beetlejuice looks up.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) And speaking of-- Right on time.

(He takes a big step to the left. And BLAM! A HUGE HEAVY BOOK falls from the sky-- and IMPACTS right where he was just standing.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) The rule book. I present: "The Handbook for the Recently Deceased." (opens it, reads) “Chapter One: The Netherworld. All ghosts should proceed directly to the Netherworld.” (then) Nope! Won't be doin' that. I need those lovebirds to stay here. With me. So they can haunt their house.

(He snaps. A BLAZE kindles in the fireplace.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) We got any kids in the audience? Puppet show! (making book talk) Mistah Beebleboose? (answering) Yes, book? (book voice) Where do books go when dey die? (answering) Well, I don’t know book. Let's find out.

(He throws the book into the fire. It SCREAMS.)

Tell my storyyyyy!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (book voice)

(then, to audience) Sometimes puppet shows are sad.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 13.

Barbara? Are you alright?

ADAM (O.S.) BEETLEJUICE

Oh crap!

(He LEAPS behind the sofa. Hides. Adam peeks out of the hole, looks around.)

ADAM Holy smokes! That was some fall.

(Adam climbs out, helps Barbara up.)

BARBARA I guess the floor gave out?

ADAM I didn’t think it was THAT weak-- Are you alright, hon?

BARBARA

I think so.

(They embrace.)

ADAM Oh my god, you’re freezing.

BARBARA (cont'd) You’re like ice!

BARBARA (cont'd)

I’ll make a...

(noticing the fire) I don’t remember making a fire...

ADAM I gotta say, hon. We're lucky. A fall from that height. That coulda been bad.

BARBARA (feeling the “heat”) So strange. It’s not hot-(Adam crosses to the hole in the floor--) ADAM My whole life flashed before my eyes. I started asking myself the big questions like-(looking into the hole) --Why are our bodies still in the basement?

What did you say?

BARBARA

(She turns back to Adam. Her FINGERS ARE ON FIRE. She SCREAMS. Adam BLOWS THEM OUT.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 14.

What's happening to us?

ADAM

BARBARA Adam... I don’t think we survived that fall.

ADAM What? You mean we’re... Oh god.

BARBARA I know. I know. There's so much I still wanted to do!

ADAM Me too... But hey-- Hey. We're still together. We're still in our house. All our stuff is here. Let's say we are dead.

That's bad. Obviously. But... maybe nothing has to change?

(Beetlejuice's head pops up behind the couch.)

Hi.

BEETLEJUICE (The Maitlands FREEZE. Beetlejuice stands, playing it "real cool"--)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Do not be afraid. You are dead. I am also dead. Maybe we can help each other.

(The Maitlands SCREAM and panic. Beetlejuice turns to the audience--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Okay. Plan B! I'm gonna need some help. (blows a WHISTLE) Ready? Ok! (MUSIC IN. BEETLEJUICE CHEERLEADERS enter.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) HI! I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE I'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE OTHER SIDE Don't go to the Netherworld.

Netherworld?

ADAM

BEETLEJUICE Did I say “Netherworld”? Never mind!

I’M B TO THE DOUBLE E-G-F-E-X Oh Jesus, I can’t spell.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 15.

HI!

BEETLEJUICE AND CHEERLEADERS

CHEERLEADERS HE'LL BE YOUR GUIDE HE'LL BE YOUR G-U-I-D-E TO THE OTHER SIDE Let's all get naked!

No!

BEETLEJUICE ADAM & BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE Ah, worth a try...

I’M B TO THE DOUBLE E-T-L-E TO THE J-U-I-C-E YES! What is HAPPENING!?

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE I understand. It's a lot to process. But-THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE DIED IN YOUR OWN HOUSE THAT GIVES YOU CLOUT THAT MEANS THE TWO OF YOU SHOULD STICK AROUND LUCKY FOR YOU I DROPPED BY YEAH, YOU SEEM LIKE NICE GUYS A LITTLE ON THE POTTERY BARN AND DRY WHITE WINE SIDE BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) AS FOR ME I’VE BEEN SCARIN’ FOR MILLENNIA I’M THE BIO-EXORCIST GIVIN’ HOUSES ENEMAS FLUSH OUT ALL THE BREATHERS-YOU CAN BREATHE EASIER

CHEERLEADERS DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH FLUSH OUT THE BREATHERS-YOU CAN BREATHE EASIER

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) STICK WITH ME! I’M LIKE A GHOST ZOMBIE JESUS! GHOST ZOMBIE JESUS!

CHEERLEADERS

BEETLEJUICE AND I DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF IT! MONEY? AH, WHO GIVES A SHIT I THINK WE’RE A PERFECT FIT COME ON! LET’S MAKE OUT A BIT!

DO IT

CHEERLEADERS (cont'd)

MONEY? I THINK WE'RE A PERFECT FIT YEAH! DEAD!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 16.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) IT’S THE PERFECT DAY TO DIE ‘CAUSE THIS GUY HAPPENED TO BE PASSING BY TO GIVE YOU CONTROL OF YOUR SOUL BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) THROUGH THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING

THE WHOLE BEING DEAD THING

CHEERLEADERS AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

(MUSIC OUT. After the applause--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Babs!

(He dips her and gives her a BIG SQUEAKY KISS. Adam tries to intervene--) ADAM

Excuse me!

BEETLEJUICE (throwing an arm around Adam) Boy, do you know how to pick ‘em! Lemme ask you something guy talk - how'd you do it? How'd you get her to marry you?

ADAM

WHO ARE YOU!?

BEETLEJUICE (hokey melodrama) Adam... you don’t recognize me? I’m... your father.

ADAM (after a confused beat)

Dad? You. Are. ADORABLE.

BEETLEJUICE

(He "boops" Adam on the nose. Then suddenly DIPS and KISSES him. Barbara pulls him off--) Hey!

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE Sorry! I'm sorry! I just-- I can't help myself. I have been waitin' for you two to die for SO LONG. (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 17.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) And now you're HERE and I just-- I think we're gonna make a great team, don't you?

BARBARA No offense, mister, but you give me the creeps.

BEETLEJUICE Aww! Thank you! You give me... a boner!

(He extracts a human LEG BONE from his pants, and hands it to Barbara. Who drops it: yuck!)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) That’s a femur. Now we don’t have a lotta time. If we're gonna do this, you two need to hire me. Right now.

ADAM

Hire you? For what?

To teach you to scare.

BEETLEJUICE BARBARA

Scare who?

BEETLEJUICE (COME ON DOWN!) The people who BOOOOUGHT YOOOOOUR HOOOOOOUSE! (The front door SLAMS open. MOVERS enter with furniture. The Movers can’t see them.)

BARBARA What? But how? We just died.

BEETLEJUICE Time moves different when you’re dead. But BOY does it move.

(The Movers pick up the Maitlands' couch.)

Hey! Stop that!

ADAM (to Movers) (The Movers do not react. Beetlejuice plays it cool--)

Yeah! You tell 'em, Adam.

Put that down!

BEETLEJUICE

BARBARA (to Movers)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 18.

BEETLEJUICE Get in there, Babs! Give 'em both barrels.

ADAM That doesn't belong to you!

BARBARA You are stealing! You thieves!

(The Movers carry the couch out of the house.)

They can't see us...

ADAM (cont'd)

BEETLEJUICE (“David Attenborough”) Keen observation, Adam. You see, the living ignore the dead.

We are invisible. And breathers worry so much about their stupid little lives that most of them never notice anything strange and unusual. Unless you MAKE ‘EM. And that’s why you need me.

You're gonna... help us?

ADAM

BEETLEJUICE For a price. Itty bitty price. More of a favor, really.

BARBARA EXCUSE ME! This is all happening VERY FAST. I mean we just DIED! And now you're here and THEY'RE here and-BEETLEJUICE Babs. Babs. I get it. But you two are special. You died together! That never happens. Unless it's a murder-suicide.

Which... makes for a VERY awkward eternity. So take a breath.

Metaphorically. And just remember-(SMASH! The Movers drop the crib.)

Whoops!

MOVER #2

MOVER #1 Who cares? It’s going to the dump!

ADAM The dump!? Did they say the dump!?

They said the dump.

BEETLEJUICE

ADAM They can't take it to the dump!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 19.

BEETLEJUICE They're taking it to the dump. And without me, they’re gonna do THAT... to EVERYTHING. (A LOUD CRASH outside.)

ADAM

Barbara?!

BEETLEJUICE (to himself, fingers crossed) Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes.

BARBARA

You’re hired.

Tell us what to do.

ADAM BEETLEJUICE

You said yes!

(MUSIC IN. Beetlejuice throws his arms around them--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) GREAT CHOICE! YOU WON’T REGRET IT YOU WANT YOUR HOUSE BACK? ADAM AND BARBARA

YES!

BEETLEJUICE

LET'S GET IT!

VICTORY’S WITHIN YOUR REACH YOU’VE JUST BEEN WAITING FOR THE PERFECT TEACHER BEING DEAD HAS ITS PERKS LET’S GET RID OF THESE JERKS WE’LL DO SOME IMPROV, YA KNOW, FEEL WHAT WORKS FOR THE WHOLE...

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) BEING DEAD THING! YEAH (MUSIC OUT.) Now get in the attic.

ENSEMBLE AH AH AH AH AH AH

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

(He pushes them up the stairs as--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 20.

SCENE FOUR The front door opens to reveal CHARLES DEETZ, late 40s, the tightly-wound, highly compartmentalized human pocket-square we saw at the funeral in the opening. And-DELIA SCHLIMMER, late 30s: Her daffy self-help bravado masks haplessness just a few shallow mantras beneath the surface.

Everything she says sounds like an affirmation.

Delia walks into the middle of the room and DINGS a TRIANGLE. DELIA Mmmmm! Yes! There’s very good energy in here. VERY good energy.

CHARLES I'm glad you like it! I took a pretty big risk buying this place. Can you believe people actually lived here? It's like a nursing home for sad cats.

DELIA Don’t you worry, Charles. If we make it LOOK fabulous, no one will ever know it's crushingly insecure. And older than it says it is.

CHARLES Good. We only have two days to transform this old house into the flagship model-home of my new gated community. Now I just need to convince Maxie Dean. I get Maxie Dean in my corner, the investments will pour in. (then, pensive) He’s my white whale...

I don’t see race.

DELIA

(then) But Charles, you’re under so much stress, you must relax.

Remember what my Guru Otho says-- “Every success begins with Sucks... but ends with.. Yes. SucksYes! (Beat. They both nod at this profundity. Then they IMPULSIVELY EMBRACE, horny teenagers making out when the adults aren’t looking.)

CHARLES Oh God, Delia... you erotic astronaut. You smell like the bathrooms at the Mandarin Oriental...

I use their soap.

DELIA

(He kisses her again. Then breaks away.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 21.

CHARLES No. We have to stop. What if Lydia walks in?

DELIA Maybe we should tell her... About us?

CHARLES No. She’s still too fragile. (breaking away) Lydia doesn't have my resilience. She needs someone to help her get past all this. That's why you're here. To be her-what do you call yourself again?

DELIA

A Life Coach!

CHARLES Right. And what’s that mean?

Almost anything!

DELIA

(MOVERS enter carrying a LARGE MODERN SOFA. It rotates to reveal LYDIA, 15, all in black, lying prone, a lily on her chest, like she’s in a coffin.)

LYDIA (O.S.) Hey Dad! Does this couch make me look dead?

CHARLES Lydia, I'm not going to answer a question like that.

DELIA Lydiaaaaa! We've talked about this sad-saddy-sadness stuff.

Do you remember what I said?

LYDIA Yeah. You said, “Stop acting so weird! I need this job!”

DELIA (giggling uncomfortably) Noooo. I am positive I quoted my guru Otho who says: “Sadness is like kale salad. No one likes it. Throw it out.”

LYDIA (hopping up) Dad, how long do we have to stay here? I want to go home.

CHARLES About that. I thought, after everything we've been through, that we could both use a fresh start. So I'm selling our house. We're going to live here!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 22.

LYDIA What!? Dad! No. You can't do that. Dead Mom loved our house-"Dead Mom"? Lydia.

CHARLES

LYDIA You never want to talk about her!

CHARLES That's because I am trying to-- Delia, do your job, please.

Life coach her?

DELIA “Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Happiness!”

LYDIA (like reprimanding a dog)

No.

(Lydia pushes past and crosses to Charles.)

LYDIA (cont'd) Dad, please! Our whole life is in that house. Don't you remember when we moved in? It was all rundown and horrible.

We didn't know how we were gonna get through it- Then mom said "Let's clean up!" And she made us sing that song she loved-(pulling him into a dance) SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE SENORA SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE-(But he pulls away, evasive--) CHARLES Lydia... you have moped around for months, dressed in black, obsessing about death-I’m in mourning--

LYDIA

CHARLES Yes. But we have to move FORWARD. All of us.

(The Movers re-enter carrying more furniture including a very WEIRD SCULPTURE.) CHARLES (cont'd) Keep it coming, gentlemen. Maxie Dean will be here for dinner in two days. Two days to make this a model home. With a model family inside. Lydia, I know you won’t let me down.

(And he’s gone.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 23.

LYDIA Yeah. It’d be terrible if we let each other down.

(Delia crosses to Lydia.)

DELIA Well I think this is exciting! We've got a dinner to plan, a house to redecorate and-Hey Delia. Knock. Knock.

LYDIA

DELIA (pleasantly surprised) Oh! Okay. Um. Who's there?

LYDIA (dead-pan mysterious) You have to open the door to find out.

DELIA But that's not how knock-knock jokes work...

LYDIA Then I guess you'll never know. ...Alright...

Cre-e-e-e-a-k--

DELIA (miming opening a door) (IN THE MIDDLE OF DELIA'S "CREAK", Lydia SHRIEKS and HORROR-MOVIE "JUMP-SCARES" Delia.

Delia SCREAMS.)

DELIA (cont'd) LYDIA YOU ARE SO WEIRD! (then, collecting herself) But... we are going to change that. Now - I'm going to go find a room to bless and-(She starts out--) Knock knock--

LYDIA

DELIA Nope! Not answering! I have a peephole, I can see you, you're scary, goodbye.

(And she's gone. Beat. Lydia exhales.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 24.

LYDIA I’m alone. I am... utterly alone. (then) Except for you, Dead Mom. (MUSIC IN. As she sings, she unpacks an OLD VICTROLA from a box.)

LYDIA (cont'd) HEY MOM DEAD MOM I NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE I’M PROBABLY TALKING TO MYSELF HERE BUT DEAD MOM I GOTTA ASK; ARE YOU REALLY IN THE GROUND? CAUSE I FEEL YOU ALL AROUND ME ARE YOU HERE, DEAD MOM? DEAD MOM (She pulls a CAMERA out of the box and crosses over to the WEIRD SCULPTURE.) LYDIA (cont'd) This house is actually kind of interesting. I'm sure Dad'll ruin it.

(She SNAPS a photo of it - FLASH! She looks around at this dumb house her dad brought her to.)

LYDIA (cont'd) DEAD MOM I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO IRON OUT MY CREASES I'M A BUNCH OF BROKEN PIECES IT WAS YOU WHO MADE ME WHOLE EVERY DAY DAD'S STARING AT ME LIKE ALL "HURRY UP, GET HAPPY MOVE ALONG FORGET ABOUT YOUR MOM" BUT DADDY’S IN DENIAL DADDY DOESN’T WANT TO FEEL HE WANTS ME TO SMILE AND CLAP LIKE A PERFORMING SEAL IGNORED IT FOR A WHILE BUT DADDY’S LOST HIS MIND FOR REAL YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE MESS THAT WE’VE BECOME (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 25.

LYDIA (cont'd) YOU'RE MY HOME MY DESTINATION AND I'M YOUR CLONE YOUR STRANGE CREATION YOU HELD MY HAND AND LIFE CAME EASY NOW JOKES DON'T LAND AND NO ONE SEES ME NOTHING SEEMS TO FIT MAMMA IS THIS IT? ARE YOU RECEIVING? I WANT SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN OR I’M DONE LYDIA (cont'd) TAKE ME WHERE MY SOUL CAN RUN OR I’LL BE IN MY BEDROOM WAKE ME WHEN I’M TWENTY-ONE DADDY’S MOVING FORWARD DADDY DIDN’T LOSE A MOM MAMMA WON’T YOU SEND A SIGN I’M RUNNIN’ OUT OF HOPE AND TIME A PLAGUE OF MICE, A LIGHTNING STRIKE OR DROP A NUCLEAR BOMB! NO MORE PLAYING DADDY’S GAME I’LL GO INSANE IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME DEAD MOM

ENSEMBLE AH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH AH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH AH AH WOAH OH OH WOAH OH OH WOAH OH OH OH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH

(As her song ends, we CROSSFADE to--) MEN (V.O.) AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

WOMEN (V.O.) AH AH AH AH AH AH

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

AH AH AH

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 26.

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

ENSEMBLE (V.O.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 27.

SCENE FIVE The Attic. Beetlejuice holds forth. Barbara and Adam listen.

BEETLEJUICE --so I was like “Let’s do this” but she was like “I don’t have any baby oil” but I was like “I have some guacamole” and THAT is how I... made nachos with Katharine Hepburn.

(Adam and Barbara are stunned. After a beat--) BARBARA I'm sorry. Why are we in the attic?

BEETLEJUICE Right! I'm gonna teach you how to be ghosts.

ADAM (delighted) Oh! Barbara, it's like one of our classes.

BARBARA We take a lot of adult recreational classes. You know, ballroom dancing, backyard composting-ADAM We just took this amazing glass-blowing class.

BARBARA It's so hard! We mostly just watched and drank wine.

ADAM But the teacher was a wiccan. So... kinda like this.

BEETLEJUICE I am not "wiccan." And THIS is nothing like that. Don't you want to get those people out of your house?!

Definitely.

ADAM

BEETLEJUICE Then you have to learn how to scare them.

BARBARA Can’t you just... scare the people for us?

BEETLEJUICE Oh Babs! I would love that. There is nothing that would give me more pleasure than to kill the people downstairs.

ADAM Kill!? Hold on. We don't want to kill.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 28.

BEETLEJUICE Figure of speech, Adam! Why you gotta be so sexy? Here’s the problem-- Right now, no matter what I do, I cannot affect the World of the Living. But you two can. So whaddya say?

Okay.

ADAM

BARBARA Let's do this!

(MUSIC IN--) BEETLEJUICE Great. Count of three, yell out the scariest thing you can think of? One, two, three-BARBARA The Trader Joe's parking lot.

The Electoral College!

ADAM BARBARA

Ooh! Why is OHIO so POWERFUL?!

ADAM

BARBARA I want to change my answer.

BEETLEJUICE OKAY-- LISTEN UP, I’M NOT GONNA LIE RIGHT NOW YOU COULDN’T FRIGHTEN A FLY OR SCARE A SEAGULL OFF OF A FRY YOU EVER STOPPED TO ASK YOURSELF WHY? BOTH OF YOU ARE SUPER POLITE MIDDLE CLASS SUBURBAN AND WHITE WELL ALL OF THAT IS FINISHED TONIGHT (EXCEPT FOR THE "WHITE" PART, OBVIOUSLY) TAKE YOUR PLACES I WANT SCARY FACES NOW GO...

(The Maitlands try "scary faces.")

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) BIGGER. FURTHER. HARDER. NOT BAD! SEVER A HEAD PREFERABLY SOMEONE YOU KNOW Look at me! I'm so scary!

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 29.

Whose head is that?

I don't know.

ADAM BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE DON’T BE SO VANILLA WOULD A LITTLE ANGER KILL YA? COME ON, DROP YOUR PANTIES I’M TRYING TO FILL YA WITH WISDOM AND SKILL AND THE INSTINCT TO KILL ADAM Again, we do NOT want to kill anybody.

BEETLEJUICE Fine! But someway, somehow you gotta make 'em see you. I'm talking JUMP scares, the jerky Japanese ghost-walk, plus-(Beetlejuice DRINKS from a WATER GLASS as his VOICE bounces around the theatre--) BEETLEJUICE (V.O.) “Learn to throw your voice!” “Fool your friends!” “Fun at parties!”

ADAM Now THAT is cool! I want to do that.

BEETLEJUICE WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE ‘EM GO CRAZY RAISING THE STAKES BY PUNCHING A BABY SCARE ‘EM AWAKE TILL THEY BREAK, THEY’LL BE QUAKING IN FRIGHT! CAUSE YOU GOT SOME EVIL DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU PUT ALL THE FARMERS MARKETS BEHIND YOU YOU GOTTA WORK-- GOTTA HAUNT TILL IT HURTS-THROUGH THE NIGHT! AND GIVE THOSE GUYS THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES! YEAH YEAH! BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) And after you scare 'em, while they are still quaking in terror, you make ‘em say this-(He hands Adam a business card. Adam reads--) ADAM “Dolly Levi. Matchmaker--” BEETLEJUICE Whoops! Wrong card-- this.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 30.

ADAM It just says “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice”!

BEETLEJUICE

Bingo!

It’s your name, isn’t it?

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE Middle name. My first name’s “Lawrence.”

ADAM But why make them say it? We already said it a bunch of times.

BEETLEJUICE It doesn't matter if you say it, Adam. THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE! (BEAT. MUSIC OUT. It’s awkward. Then--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Sorry. I didn't mean to yell. You just... make Daddy so angry.

(MUSIC BACK IN. Beetlejuice sings--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) LET’S START WITH THINGS THAT YOU HATE HATE’S A VERY STRONG WORD

ADAM

BARBARA PERHAPS WHEN PEOPLE ARE LATE? ADAM OR GETTING POOPED ON BY BIRDS! BEETLEJUICE NO! WHAT FILLS YOU WITH RAGE? BEING MEAN TO A PET!

BARBARA

ADAM CHEFS WHO USE TOO MUCH SAGE WHEN THEY MAKE BEURRE NOISETTE OVER-GLUTENOUS FOOD RIGHT...

BARBARA BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 31.

ADAM OR WHEN KIDS CALL ME “DUDE” BEETLEJUICE

SURE...

OH, I FIND THAT SO RUDE!

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE WELL THERE’S LOTS THERE TO USE TAKE A DEEP BREATH GIVE ME YOUR BEST PRIMAL SCREAM AAAAAAAHHH.

BARBARA

ADAM OH BARBARA, THAT WAS BRILLIANT! REALLY?

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE TRY IT AGAIN MAYBE THIS TIME PRETEND LIKE YOU MEAN IT AAAAAAH!

BARBARA

ADAM WOW! THAT WAS EVEN BETTER! THANKS!

BARBARA (LIGHT SHIFT. Beetlejuice steps forward--)

BEETLEJUICE I WANT FREEDOM BUT TO GET MY FREEDOM I NEED ‘EM TO GET A LIVING PERSON TO SAY MY NAME BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE

ADAM & BARBARA

(The walls open to reveal a BEETLEJUICE CHOIR to back up Beetlejuice.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 32.

BEETLEJUICE I KNOW THAT BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS BUT DO THEY HAVE TO BE SUCH LOSERS? BOTH OF THEM ARE DEATHLY DULL AND LAME

HOOO

BEETLE-CHOIR

HOOO HOOO

ADAM & BARBARA BEETLEJUICE? BEETLEJUICE? BEETLEJUICE!

BEETLE-CHOIR (cont'd) BEETLEJUICE? BEETLEJUICE? BEETLEJUICE!

BEETLEJUICE WHY GOD-SLASH-SATAN DID YOU SEND THESE BED-WETTERS? EVEN, LIKE, A TAX ATTORNEY WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER SOMEBODY WITH GRAVITAS SOMEBODY TO FEAR WHO...

BEETLE-CHOIR (cont'd) SHOOP HUMMMM BED-WETTERS SHOOP HUMMMM BEEN BETTER AH AH AH WHO?

ADAM EXCUSE ME, MR. BEETLEJUICE WE CAN KINDA HEAR YOU BEETLEJUICE Yeah? Well that was a soliloquy. So you're the one who's being rude.

(The walls close again on the Beetle-Choir.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE 'EM GO CRAZY TURN ALL THE LIGHTS ON DRESS LIKE A BABY

BARBARA ADAM

BEETLEJUICE WHAT!? NO! GET YOUR HEADS IN THE GAME! LET'S HIDE THEIR PHONES!

ADAM & BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE SCREW THEIR PHONES! UCH! THESE DOPES ARE BOTH HOPELESS HOW WILL I EVER SURVIVE...

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 33.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) UNLESS THEY GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES!

THEY GOTTA GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES!

BARBARA & ADAM YES YES, WE'RE FEELING IT THEY'LL NEVER DEAL WITH IT WE'RE KILLING IT WE'RE SCARY VERY VERY SCARY

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) THEY’LL NEVER GET THE FRIGHT OF THEIR LIVES YEAH!

BARBARA & ADAM (MUSIC OUT. After applause--)

Welp. BYE.

BEETLEJUICE

BARBARA What? You said you would help us!

BEETLEJUICE I wanted to help you! It’s literally ALL I wanted. But you’re helpless. See? (illustrates with hands) Here’s help... here’s you: It’s LESS! BARBARA What did you expect? We're not... like you.

BEETLEJUICE I know that, Barbara. No one's like me. That's the problem. (then, to audience) Sorry everybody. I know my name’s on the marquee but you’re gonna have to watch a different show: “The Maitlands!” “More boring than BRIGADOON!” Oh yeah! I said it. FUCK Brigadoon!

ADAM So wait. You're just leaving?

BEETLEJUICE Yeah, Adam. Cause this isn't working out. So GOODBYE! Sayonara! Don’t text me in the middle of the night saying “U up?” Cause NEW PHONE WHO DIS!? See you in hell!

(He pulls out a smoke bomb. WHAM!) I'm gone!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 34.

(But it's a very small amount of smoke.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) I’m just gonna use the door. (crossing out, stops) Hey guys? Fuck you guys.

(And he’s gone. After a beat--) ADAM THAT GUY... needs therapy. I hope there's a dead therapist out there who can give him the help he needs.

(Beat.)

BARBARA So what now? We can't just stay in the attic.

ADAM What other choice do we have? There are people downstairs.

Strangers. I didn't like strangers when I was alive.

(Barbara makes a decision. She crosses, grabs a sheet and some scissors and starts cutting.)

ADAM (cont'd) Barbara! Those are the guest sheets!

BARBARA That needy pervert was right. If we want our house back, we have to fight for it.

How? No one can see us.

ADAM

(She holds up a sheet with eye holes in it.)

BARBARA We’re GHOSTS, dammit! Let’s... haunt this bitch!

Barbara!

ADAM (MUSIC IN.)

BARBARA OBLIVION CALLS SO WE MIGHT AS WELL WALK THROUGH SOME WALLS I’M SURE WE CAN HAUNT OUR OWN HALLS CAUSE ADAM WE’RE READY AS WE’LL EVER GET ADAM IF WE WANNA WIN BACK OUR HOME I GOTTA GET RIGHT OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 35.

BARBARA WE’LL RATTLE CHAINS AND I DON’T KNOW-JUST WAIL AND MOAN UNTIL THEY GO ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP? ADAM

YES! READY SET?

BARBARA

READY SET!

(They put on bedsheets.)

READY SET LET’S Oooooooooooooh

ADAM AND BARBARA

(We CROSSFADE TO--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 36.

SCENE SIX DELIA'S MEDITATION ROOM. The Maitlands' charming bric-a-brac is gone, replaced by Delia's new age decor. Delia pulls FANCY SCARVES from a box, as Lydia approaches with her camera.

LYDIA

Hey, Delia!

(FLASH! Lydia SNAPS a photo. Delia RECOILS.) AH! Lydia!

DELIA (then)

LYDIA That's gonna be great. I feel like I really captured your essence.

DELIA You can't just sneak up on people and... take their essence.

And also - I don't model anymore unless I'm paid up front. In cash. I learned that the hard way.

LYDIA I just want something to remember you by when you're gone.

DELIA What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere.

I've had a vision.

LYDIA

DELIA That's great! I had a vision once. I was in a sweat lodge.

Actually it was just a very hot apartment in Queens with the doors locked from the outside but-LYDIA In my vision... my dad and I are back at our house in New York. Everything's the way it used to be. And you... don't exist.

DELIA Lydia. I know I am paid to care about you. But I'd like us to be real friends. So I have an idea! Why don't you and I clear out all that old junk in the attic and build you a darkroom?

LYDIA My whole life is a darkroom. One... big... dark... room.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 37.

DELIA Well that's depressing! My Guru Otho says "Depression is like an ugly sweater. It's okay at Christmas, but the rest of the year? You gotta put it away." (then) Which reminds me! I got you a new dress for your father's business dinner.

(She pulls out a YELLOW DRESS.) DELIA (cont'd) It says "I'm warm, I'm friendly and I think about death only a normal amount."

LYDIA

I prefer black.

DELIA But "black" makes me think of a funeral. And this is a business dinner-It could be both!

LYDIA

(raising a mimed glass) “A toast! To my father and his all-important business. Also one of your wine glasses is poisoned!”

DELIA (grabbing her mimed glass) You give me that! Smash! (then, air-quoting) Lydia, right now you are "redirecting anger" and "deflecting pain" and "other terms I learned in my training." What you need... is a new perspective!

(MUSIC IN.) DELIA (cont'd) THE UNIVERSE IS MORE THAN JUST SPACE WITH NO END JUST THINK OF THE UNIVERSE AS A FEMALE BEST FRIEND AND YOU CAN BE LIKE, “HEY UNIVERSE, WHAT’S HAPPENIN’, GIRL?” AND SHE’LL BE LIKE, “OH NOTHIN’! JUST RUNNIN’ THE WORLD!” AND YOU’LL BE LIKE, “WHAT?” AND THE UNIVERSE’LL BE LIKE, “I KNOW!” YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, GIRL I GOT YOUR BACK, GIRL I’M HELPING YOU GROW THINK POSITIVE, ACT POSITIVE YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE EARTH!” DELIA (cont'd) Life coaching! I am NAILING it.

(MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 38.

TIME TO TAKE COMMAND YOU DICTATE THE HAND THE UNIVERSE DEALS SCIENCE MAKES NO SENSE WHO NEEDS EVIDENCE? GO WITH YOUR FEELS I'M LIKE A RADIO TUNED TO THE STARS I FOUND MY FREQUENCY CRYSTALS SPEAK TO ME What are they saying?

DELIA (cont'd)

LYDIA

DELIA Buy more crystals!

EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON BE A BEACON OF LIGHT IN THE WORLD PUT A LITTLE “ALRIGHT!” IN THE WORLD THERE ARE SPIRITUAL GUIDES ABOVE, LOOK UP AND SEE ‘EM PERCEPTION IS REALITY JUST LISTEN TO THE MELODY THE UNIVERSE SINGS ‘CAUSE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON LYDIA Gee, I hate to break it to you... (sings) THE UNIVERSE IS JUST THE CONTENTS OF TIME, MATTER AND SPACE NINETY-ONE BILLION LIGHT-YEARS ACROSS, AND THE EARTH'S A SMALL PLACE WHERE GOOD PEOPLE DIE-No!

DELIA

LYDIA Yeah!

IN FAMINE AND WARS THE PACIFIC ISLANDS ARE SINKING BUT NEGATIVE THINKING IS HARDLY THE CAUSE! YOU THINK LIFE IS ALL UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS 'CAUSE YOU'RE BORED Unicorns... are scary.

DELIA (cont'd)

LYDIA AND POSITIVITY IS A LUXURY THAT FEW CAN AFFORD

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 39.

LYDIA (cont'd) WE’RE GONNA DIE YES, YOU AND I, IN MEANINGLESSNESS AND ALONE DELIA NO NO NO NO! NO! ONE DAY YOU MAY WAKE UP ALONE LYDIA

Okay?

DELIA CAUSE YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS BOYFRIEND BOUGHT A BOAT AND THEN THEY SAILED AWAY TO ROME That's specific.

LYDIA

DELIA SO YOU CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP IN A DEEP DESPAIR TALKING TO THE WALLS CAUSE THERE'S NO ONE THERE SO YOU HAVE TO BUY A CAT CAUSE THAT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE TO HAVE A FAMILY TAKE IT FROM ME! THAT YOUR AGING ASS WILL HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON PUT SOME MORE FUN IN THE WORLD A LITTLE "I AM STILL YOUNG!" IN THE WORLD BE PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR EGGS AND FREEZE 'EM Is this still about me?

LYDIA

DELIA CAUSE EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAPPENS LYDIA SOUNDS LIKE TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE IS RANDOM DELIA YES, BUT RANDOM FOR A REASON NO REASON

LYDIA (MUSIC OUT. Delia exits.

Then VOICES echoing, unseen. Adam and Barbara COME THROUGH THE WALL wearing their sheets.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 40.

LEAVE... THIS... HOUSE!

ADAM & BARBARA (O.S.)

(Lydia looks around. What the hell is that?

LEAVE... THIS...

ADAM & BARBARA (cont'd)

ADAM (re: new decor) What the heck did they do to our house?!

BARBARA You can't make every wall an accent wall!

LYDIA

Excuse me?

(They turn. Lydia's looking right at them.)

Are you... ghosts?

LYDIA (cont'd)

(Adam and Barbara NOD. Frozen.)

LYDIA (cont'd) Oh my god. This house is haunted?!

(She FLASHES a photo with her camera.)

Run! Hide!

What? Why? Go go go!

ADAM BARBARA ADAM (Adam runs, but gets tripped up in his sheet.)

Stupid sheet!

ADAM (cont'd) (He gathers his sheet around his waist like a skirt and he and Barbara rush out the door.)

LYDIA Dead Mom, I asked you to send me a sign. Is this it?

(She looks down at her developing polaroid.

Then, chasing after them--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 41.

WAIT!

LYDIA (cont'd) (And we CROSSFADE to--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 42.

SCENE SEVEN The Attic. Adam and Barbara, still in their sheets, rush in and slam the door behind them.

ADAM Oh god. That was a disaster. I thought these were twin sheets. They're Queens!

(CREAK. The door opens. The Maitlands freeze.

Lydia approaches as it they're aliens.)

LYDIA Greetings Ghosts. My name is Lydia Deetz. Do not be afraid.

BARBARA Why aren’t you afraid of us?

LYDIA Cause you’re... not scary? (gasps, excited) Unless-- Are you horribly dis-figured? Is that why you’re wearing sheets? Can I see?

(Adam and Barbara take off their sheets.)

BARBARA We’re just a normal couple. I'm Barbara, this is Adam. We used to live here.

ADAM I'm confused. You can see us without the sheets. But we were told living people ignore the strange and unusual.

But not you...

BARBARA

LYDIA Perhaps that’s because I, myself, am strange and unusual.

BARBARA You seem like a normal girl to me.

(Lydia smiles warmly. A spark between them.)

ADAM So Lydia, since you CAN see us, I’ll get right to the point.

Do you think you’d mind leaving and never coming back?

Adam!

BARBARA

ADAM I don't mean her, I mean her family--

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 43.

LYDIA Yuck. We are NOT a family. We are father, daughter and Delia.

Your mother. She...

BARBARA LYDIA

Died.

Lydia. I’m so sorry.

BARBARA

LYDIA Me too. Cause she’d LOVE this. I mean-- REAL ghosts! We used to make these haunted houses in the garage, but in the summer, so no one expected it. One year, we tried to do a "classic horror" theme. Mom was "The Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe." I thought she was terrifying, but no one knew who she was. People don't read.

(Adam and Barbara LAUGH.) LYDIA (cont'd) Sorry. I didn't mean to bore you guys talking about my mom.

We don’t mind.

BARBARA

LYDIA Really? My dad NEVER wants me to talk about her. It’s like against the law in my house.

ADAM (shrugging) Well, hey-- I don’t see any cops around here.

(Beat as Adam’s DAD JOKE sinks in. Barbara and Lydia share a look and BURST OUT LAUGHING--) What?

ADAM (cont'd)

BARBARA (still laughing) Adam! That was awful.

LYDIA No! It was adorable! It was like the PERFECT “dad joke.”

ADAM (now laughing along) Oh yeah? Well I’m warning you, I got a million of ‘em. And I never had a chance to use ‘em when I was alive, so...

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 44.

(Adam realizes what he's just said. Barbara takes his hand instinctively. Lydia notices.)

LYDIA I like you guys. This is the first nice moment I've had since I got here.

BARBARA This is the first nice moment we've had since we... died.

LYDIA I don't have a lot of friends, so if I have to live in this stupid house, it's nice knowing you're in the attic.

(She smiles. Adam and Barbara smile too. It's a nice moment. Then, Adam can't stop himself-) ADAM Sorry. Gotta say it: this house is not "stupid." It's a classic Victorian with the original crown molding and-BARBARA

Adam--

ADAM Your dad has made some BIG mistakes with the interior design.

BARBARA Adam! That's not why she doesn't like it here.

ADAM I know. I'm just saying-- It's not helping.

(Lydia gets an idea--) LYDIA Hey, maybe we can help each other.

What do you mean?

BARBARA

LYDIA You want your house back, right? That’s what I want too. So let's scare my dad. Once he realizes this house is haunted, we’ll HAVE to leave.

BARBARA But we're invisible. Your dad won't see us.

LYDIA He doesn't see me either! But together, we'll MAKE him see.

Come on! We invisibles have to stick together!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 45.

Barbara?

Let's do it!

ADAM (still unsure) BARBARA (gung ho!)

(And as they DASH OFF, we CROSS-FADE to...)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 46.

SCENE EIGHT CHARLES’ BEDROOM. Charles sits on the edge of the bed, naked to the waist. Delia lies back exhausted, vaping.

DELIA Oh Charles, that was the most spiritually nourishing rogering you’ve ever given me.

CHARLES I’m very good at sex. And yet... I worry. About the future.

About Lydia...

DELIA She’s so stubborn. I just need more time-CHARLES No. You have failed. So have I. This is all so wrong. You're my employee, but also my lover. It’s...

Prostitution.

DELIA

CHARLES Not good for Lydia. She needs stability. And here we are sneaking around like two teenagers at a church picnic. It has to stop!

DELIA Charles? Are you breaking up with me?

Delia-Are you firing me?

Delia--

CHARLES DELIA CHARLES

DELIA You're breaking up with me AND firing me!? Oh my god, Lydia's vision was RIGHT! Vision? What vision?

CHARLES

DELIA Why does this always happen to me?! Every single time I start to feel like I belong it’s “Goodbye, Delia!” “You’re out of the band, Delia!” “Vishnu doesn’t need more disciples, Delia!”

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 47.

CHARLES

No. Wait.

(takes her hand) I’m not comfortable with... feelings. You know this. What I’m trying to say is-- I hired you to help my daughter but you've ended up helping me. We can't hide this anymore. Do you understand what I’m proposing?

DELIA

No.

CHARLES

I’m proposing.

(He drops to one knee and produces a ring from his shirt pocket.)

Oh my godddddd....

DELIA (whisper screaming)

CHARLES Delia Schlimmer, will you do me the honor... of signing a prenuptial agreement... and becoming my second wife?

(Beat.)

You bet your ass I will!

Oh, I'm so happy!

DELIA CHARLES

(They EMBRACE, just as Lydia SCREAMS IN TERROR offstage, in the hallway--) CHARLES (cont'd)

Hide!

(Delia dives under the sheets. HIDES. Lydia rushes in, hamming it up--) LYDIA Dad! Dad! There are GHOSTS! They’re CHASING MEEEEE! CHARLES What? What are you talking about?

This house! It’s HAUNTED! LEAVE... THIS... HOUSE...

LYDIA ADAM & BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 48.

(Adam and Barbara come through the walls.)

Can you see them?!

What? No! See what!?

LYDIA CHARLES

LYDIA The ghosts! They’re in the room with us! And they have... scorpions... for teeth. And their eyes... they’re made out of the devil!

CHARLES Lydia, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing right now, but-LYDIA We gotta get out of here! GRAB WHAT YOU CAN AND-(She runs around grabbing things to “take” then whips the sheet off the bed, revealing Delia. She stops, stunned, drops the charade.)

Delia?

Hey...

LYDIA (cont'd) DELIA

LYDIA Dad? Why is Delia in your bed?

(Charles SIGHS.) CHARLES Well... I have asked Delia to marry me.

Oh Lydia...

BARBARA

LYDIA What? Dad. No! You can’t do that.

CHARLES Now, Lydia. This is a good thing! I need a wife, you need a mother-LYDIA I have a mother. Dad, there are ghosts. Here! And if this house is haunted, that means Mom might still be back in our old house--

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 49.

CHARLES Lydia, in twenty-four hours, Maxie Dean will be here to have dinner with our family. I'd like us to BE a family.

LYDIA

No...

(Delia crosses to Lydia - hesitant--) DELIA Lydia, I know you’re upset but maybe this was... (oh, don’t say it, Delia) ...meant to be?

(Beat.)

I wish I was dead.

LYDIA

(She runs out. Delia’s worried--) DELIA Charles. Maybe we shouldn’t have-CHARLES No. She just needs more time.

(And we CROSSFADE to--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 50.

SCENE NINE The ROOF OF THE HOUSE. Beetlejuice sits on the chimney BEETLEJUICE YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE ME THERE'S NO ONE TO SEE MY TRUTH IF THEY COULD LOOK UP THEY’D SEE “HEY, SOMEBODY'S ON THE ROOF” GOD IT’S MORTIFYING WHAT'S THE POINT OF EVEN TRYING 'CAUSE NOW I’M TRAPPED WITH NO ESCAPE BANISHED! DISAVOWED! I’VE VANISHED LIKE A CLOUD OF DIRTY HIPSTER VAPE NOBODY SAID LIFE’S FAIR GUESS THEY WILL NEVER SEE THE DEMON WHO ISN’T THERE YOU’RE INVISIBLE WHEN YOU’RE ME (A window opens. Lydia climbs out and walks to the edge of the roof.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Whoa. What do we got here?

LYDIA (reading a note) “By the time you read this I, Lydia Deetz, will be gone.

There's nothing for me here. I am alone. Forsaken.

Invisible.”

That makes two of us.

BEETLEJUICE

(Lydia turns, sees Beetlejuice.)

Who the hell are you?

Can you see me?

LYDIA BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA Yeah. You look like a bloated zebra that a lion ripped apart and then didn't eat cause something was obviously wrong with it so it just rotted in the hot African sun.

You can see me!

BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 51.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) I'M GONNA HAVE A NEW BEST FRIEND! (MUSIC IN. FIREWORKS explode behind him like a ROCK CONCERT. Then he hops down, so excited.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) So... living girl. Dead guy. What brings you to the roof?

I’m gonna jump.

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE NOOOOOO! I mean-- Noooo. You don't wanna do that. Hey, here's an idea! How about instead of impaling yourself on that birdbath, you... say my name three times?

What?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE Please don't make me beg. I will. I just really don't want to(drops to his knees) Okay I'm begging! Please! God! I am so tired of being invisible. And you--! You can change that.

LYDIA I can't change anything. That’s why I’m jumping. When I’m dead, my dad’ll be sorry-BEETLEJUICE Whoa whoa whoa whoa! No he won’t. You’ll just be dead. (then, getting an idea) Hey! Hey. I get it. You and me... we're not that different.

You don't like your dad? I don't like my mom. She is a DEMON. (then, it all pours out) And she doesn't GET ME, ya know? She was always like, "Get a job!" "Why is your hair purple?" "I shoulda left like your father!" Point is... maybe we can help each other.

(MUSIC IN.) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) YOU COULD USE A BUDDY DON’T YOU WANT A PAL (YES I DO! YES I DO!) GIRL, THE WAY I SEE IT YOUR DADDY SHOULD BE LEAVIN’ AND YOU SHOULD STICK AROUND (AND KILL HIM) WHAT?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 52.

BEETLEJUICE NOTHIN’!

SO LYDIA DON'T END YOURSELF DEFEND YOURSELF DADDY IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD MAIM TOGETHER WE’LL EXTERMINATE ASSASSINATE NO!

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE THE FINER POINTS CAN WAIT BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA SAY MY NAME! GO AHEAD AND JUMP, BUT THAT WON’T STOP HIM HERE YOU GOT A SOLID PLAN-B OPTION I CAN BRING YOUR DADDY SO MUCH PAIN ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY MY NAME GIRL JUST SAY IT THREE TIMES IN A ROW AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW FAR I’LL GO I’M ON THE BENCH BUT COACH JUST PUT ME IN THE GAME ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SAY MY NAME LYDIA BUT I DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME WELL, I CAN’T SAY IT

BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA HOW ABOUT A GAME OF CHARADES? YES! LET’S PLAY IT TWO WORDS RIGHT SECOND WORD UH HUH DRINK? NO

BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 53.

BEVERAGE? NO WINE? NO JUICE? YES! OK. FIRST WORD OK BUG? NO. ANT? CLOSE, BUT NO. BEETLE? YES! BEETLEJUICE!

LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE WOW, I’M IMPRESSED! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY MY NAME THREE TIMES THREE TIMES IN A ROW IT MUST BE SPOKEN UNBROKEN READY? YEAH!

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 54.

OK, GO! BEETLEJUICE Yes. BEETLEJUICE Yes!

BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE LYDIA BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Oh, it’s gonna be so good!

LYDIA (cont'd) --CAUSE YOU’RE SO SMART A STAND-UP BRO I’LL THINK ABOUT YOUR OFFER LET YOU KNOW BUT I PREFER MY CHANCES DOWN BELOW OH BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEING YOUNG AND FEMALE DOESN’T MEAN THAT I’M AN EASY MARK I’VE BEEN SWIMMING WITH PIRANHAS I DON’T NEED A SHARK YES LIFE SUCKS BUT NOT THAT MUCH OKAY BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BE A DOLL AND SPARE THE LECTURE BEETLEJUICE I’M OFFERING YOU A FULL-TIME SPECTRE ARE YOU ANY GOOD? YOU BETCHA! TRUST ME, BABY!

LYDIA BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA I JUST MET YA REALLY, IT’S A FLATTERING OFFER BEETLEJUICE DON’T YOU WANNA SEE DAD SUFFER?

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 55.

LYDIA I THINK I’D RATHER JUST JUMP OFF I MAY BE SUICIDAL BUT BEETLEJUICE IT’S NOT AS IF I’VE LOST MY MIND BEETLEJUICE So! Playing hardball, huh? You're tougher than you look.

LYDIA I just want to make sure I know who I’m working with. Got any references?

(The Maitlands come out the window--) Lydia! There you are!

Are you alright?

BARBARA ADAM

BEETLEJUICE A-dog! B-town! My old pals!

ADAM (to Beetlejuice) You get away from her! Lydia, this a DANGEROUSLY unstable individual-(Beetlejuice SNAPS. The Maitlands become POSSESSED by Beetlejuice who “puppets them”--) BEETLEJUICE IS SEXY BEETLEJUICE IS SMART

BARBARA ADAM

ADAM & BARBARA BJ IS A GRADUATE OF JUILLIARD HE CAN HELP WE FOUND HIM ON YELP OUR TROUBLES ALL ENDED ON THE DAY THAT WE BEFRIENDED HIM EVERY WORD IS THE TRUTH BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! (Beetlejuice SNAPS. Adam and Barbara GASP.) What the HECK was that!?

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 56.

ADAM

So violating!

BEETLEJUICE (to Lydia) There ya go, kid. A couple-a five star reviews.

LYDIA

WHAT WAS THAT?

BEETLEJUICE THAT WAS POSSESSION ANY GHOST CAN DO IT IN LESS THAN ONE LESSON LYDIA

ANY GHOST?

BEETLEJUICE PRETTY MUCH, ANY GHOST’LL DO, SURE...

THEN BEETLEJUICE WHAT DO I NEED YOU FOR?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT! HOLD UP! HOLD UP! GIRL I’M YOUR PAL THEY’RE SWEET BUT I’M A DEMON STRAIGHT FROM HELL I KNOW I WENT A LITTLE HARD ON THE SELL BUT WE’RE B-F-F-F-FS FOREVER! (Lydia PUSHES BEETLEJUICE OFF THE ROOF.) Lydia!?

ADAM & BARBARA

LYDIA What? He was already dead. And you heard what he said: any ghost can do that possession stuff.

ADAM Do you mean us? I don't think we can-(Suddenly BARBARA'S VOICE bounces around the theatre--) BARBARA (V.O.) "Fool your friends!" "Fun at parties!"

(Then immediately--) Ah! I did it!

BARBARA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 57.

ADAM

Barbara!

LYDIA See? We can do this!

WE DON'T NEED THAT DEMON THE THREE OF US ALONE CAN WRECK DAD’S EVENING TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A GROWN MAN WEEP GUYS, I GOT A DINNER DATE TO KEEP OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?

ADAM

LYDIA TEACH DAD A LESSON HE IS GONNA FREAK WHEN WE POSSESS HIM SO HE WANTS THE PERFECT DAUGHTER? I’LL LEAD THAT LAMB TO SLAUGHTER! YEAH I GOT GAME LYDIA (cont'd) I’M GONNA MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME NOT RUNNING AWAY

BARBARA & ADAM MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME MAKE HIM SAY YOUR NAME NOT RUNNING AWAY!

LYDIA (cont'd) I'LL MAKE HIM SAY MY NAME! (MUSIC OUT. CROSSFADE to--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 58.

SCENE TEN NIGHT. The deafening CHUKKACHUKKACHUKKA of a helicopter. A large dining table has been set up with a giant ROASTED PIG in the center.

Curtains BILLOW as a helicopter lands outside. Charles, in a tux, enters. Anxious. Careening. To the cater-waiter-CHARLES Where's the shrimp? Get the shrimp! Maxie Dean loves shrimp! (calling off) He’s here! Delia!?

(Delia comes down the stairs in an over-thetop, very sexy GOWN.) DELIA Charles, do you think this dress says... “mindfulness?”

CHARLES (in awe of her) My god, woman! We don't have time to make screaming, passionate love right now, but I swear to you... we will. We will.

(DOORBELL!)

Where's Lydia?

CHARLES (cont'd) (suddenly panicked)

Still locked in her room.

DAMMIT!

DELIA CHARLES

(heading to the door) All right. We’ll just have to do this without her.

(Charles opens the door to reveal the mythic MAXIE DEAN. He speaks shrill Long Islandese.

Behind him looms his model-wife, MAXINE.) MAXIE Chuuuuck, you old slumlord! Put ‘er there!

CHARLES Maxie! So glad you could make it. (then, dramatically) Welcome... to our model home. I've designed it to reflect wealth, sophistication and above all-(A cadre of LAWYERS enter.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 59.

LAWYERS Charles./Mr. Deetz./Hello.

CHARLES You brought your legal team?

MAXIE I'm rich, Chuck! I never leave home without ‘em. Oh! And speakin' o' luggage... have you met my fourth wife!?

(Maxine LAUGHS WAY TOO HARD.) He is so MEAN to me!

I'm his fifth wife.

MAXINE (then, serious)

CHARLES I see. I, um, I’d like you both to meet my fiancee, Delia.

DELIA (bowing)

Namaste.

MAXINE

Tiramisu!

DELIA

I'm sorry?

MAXIE Don't mind her. My baby's got a body that doesn't quit and brain that doesn't work.

(Maxine LAUGHS again.)

MAXINE

See!? So MEAN!

(then, serious) But it's true. I was kicked in the head by a dressage horse.

Why don’t we eat?

CHARLES

(They all cross to the table.)

MAXIE Great idea! I’m famished. Hey Chuck, didn’t you used to have a daughter.

CHARLES Ummm... yes. Lydia. She... I’m afraid she won’t be joining us. Fact is, she’s been having a hard time since...

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 60.

LYDIA (O.S.) Oh Father? Oh Father, dear? Did I hear the dinner bell?

(Lydia appears on the stairs, beautiful and cheery in the bright-yellow dress Delia got for her. Charles is stunned--) CHARLES

Lydia...?

DELIA Life coaching! Yes! It’s NOT a fad! DO THE RESEARCH. (Lydia descends the stairs...)

LYDIA So sorry I’m late, everyone!

Your dress... You look--

CHARLES

(Maxie stands, takes Lydia’s hand. Struck.)

MAXIE Lydia. What an... effervescent young lady you are! (kisses her hand) Your father was trying to hide you from us. Whatsamatter Chuck? Afraid I’d marry her!?

(Maxine LAUGHS.) MAXINE He’ll do it! He will DO IT! LYDIA Wow. This is going to be SUCH an interesting night.

(They all sit. Lawyers too. But Lydia stays standing and grabs a glass.)

LYDIA (cont'd) But first-- I think it would be so wonderful if our newest family member would make a toast! Delia?

(Delia stands.)

DELIA Oh! Okay. Thank you, future step-daughter. (clear her throat, then) Business friends, I’ve only known this amazing, amazing man and his... unique daughter for a few months. I don’t even know how many. I’d have to check my pay stubs. But as my Guru Otho always says-(MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 61.

DAY-O!

DELIA (cont'd) (sung) (Everyone gasps. Delia looks scared.)

LYDIA (giggling) What's wrong, Delia? Are you alright?

DELIA I’m... SO sorry. I don’t know what just happened.. I meant to say-(sings again) ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAAAAAY-O! (She slaps her hands over her mouth, shocked.)

CHARLES (hushed) Delia, do you need to lie down?

DELIA No! No! I just need to-DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME. (Lydia really CACKLES.) What's happening to me!?

DELIA (cont'd)

(Charles stands, apologizing--) CHARLES Maxie. On behalf of Delia and myself, I’d just like to say-(MUSIC IN. The Lawyers begin to twitch involuntarily.)

CHARLES (cont'd) WORK ALL NIGHT ON A DRINK OF RUM! LAWYERS DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! DELIA STACK BANANA TIL DE MORNING COME! BRACKA! LAWYERS DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! (Delia begins a merengue. Now the others join in - not in control of their own bodies.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 62.

LAWYERS (cont'd) DAY! ME SAY DAY O! DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! CHARLES COME MR. TALLYMAN, TALLY ME BANANA (He shimmies involuntarily towards Delia.

Grabbing a SALAD BOWL, he turns it into a makeshift DJEMBE, beating out a rhythm.)

LAWYERS DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! (Maxie dances wildly.)

MAXIE COME MR. TALLYMAN, TALLY ME BANANA (Everyone grabs SALAD TONGS, FLATWARE, CHAFING DISHES, FURNISHINGS, even each other’s bodies, creating a loony PERCUSSION ENSEMBLE.) LAWYERS DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! (Lydia jumps up on the table as the Maitlands appear on the landing - unseen by everyone but Lydia. They parallel the guests’ dancing.)

CHARLES Lydia! Call nine one one! Wait-- why aren't YOU dancing?

LYDIA It’s like I told you, Dad-- The house is HAUNTED. And the ghosts who live here WANT YOU OUT. (then) Barbara! The pig!

Who wants BACON!?

BARBARA

(Barbara gestures towards the Pig. It starts to twitch. Then RISES and GRINDS on Delia.)

No! NO! I'm a VEGAN!

DELIA

MAXIE A BEAUTIFUL BUNCH, O' RIPE BANANA! LAWYERS DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 63.

MAXINE HIDE DE DEADLY BLACK TARANTULA! PIG (solo, basso profundo) DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME! EVERYONE IT’S SIX FOOT, SEVEN FOOT, EIGHT FOOT, BUNCH! DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME

PIG (cont'd) (counterpoint) DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM GO HOME

SIX FOOT, SEVEN FOOT, EIGHT FOOT, BUNCH! DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN’ GO HOME

DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM GO HOME

CHARLES Maxie! Please! Forgive me. If I’d knownMAXIE Chuck, you moron! Don’t apologize! We’re gonna be rich!

What?

What!?

CHARLES LYDIA

MAXIE I was never gonna invest in your stupid “gated community.”

But a genuine haunted house? It’s a goldmine!

No!

LYDIA

CHARLES You hear that, Delia!? These ghosts are gonna make us a fortune!

LYDIA You’re supposed to be scared!

(The dance roars on with Charles leading it.)

ADAM Lydia, we're so sorry. It didn't work.

LYDIA There's still one way to stop him.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 64.

BARBARA Lydia, no! You don’t know what’ll happen.

LYDIA I can't live like this anymore.

(Lydia jumps back up on the table. Defiant.)

BEETLEJUICE.

LYDIA (cont'd) (BEETLEJUICE rises out of the table.)

BEETLEJUICE Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I am so glad you changed your mind. You are not gonna regret this.

BEETLEJUICE.

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE We are gonna make SUCH a great team! Gimme just! One! More!

BEETLEJUICE.

LYDIA (Beetlejuice AAAAHS. What a release! He strikes the iconic “showtime” pose.)

It’s SHOWTIME!

BEETLEJUICE (THUNDERCLAP! The lights go out. The THEATER starts to RUMBLE. UNDERSCORING IN!)

DELIA Charles? What’s happening? I don’t like this!

(Beetlejuice appears downstage.)

BEETLEJUICE Welcome welcome welcome! Can everybody see me!?

(Everyone does see him! They SCREAM IN TERROR.) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (feels so good) Oh GOD I missed that sound.

LYDIA You wouldn't listen, Dad! Now this is what you get.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 65.

BEETLEJUICE Yeah Dad! This is what you GET! (He shoots LIGHTNING from his fingers. The chandelier drops. Barbara steps forward.)

BARBARA Stop this! You made your point.

Get porked, Babs!

BEETLEJUICE

(He shoots LIGHTNING again. The PIG rises up on its cart, holding a BUTCHER'S KNIFE. The cart chases BARBARA out of the room.)

ADAM Barbara! Climb something! Pigs can't climb!

(Adam RUNS after her off-stage--) BEETLEJUICE And now! The moment you've all been waiting for!

(He SNAPS and the walls are magically striped into a carnival theme.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Step right up and play a game... that I like to call... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (THUNDER! LIGHTNING! A GIANT BEETLEJUICE crashes up through the floor.)

GIANT BEETLEJUICE (demon voice, SINGING) YOU'RE NOT INVISIBLE WHEN YOU'RE ME! (DEMENTED CIRCUS MUSIC. Everyone SCATTERS. The Giant Beetlejuice's ARMS swoop down and try to grab people.)

RUNNNNN!!!

MAXIE (Everyone PANICS and RUNS for the exits.)

(The BEETLE-ARMS grab Charles and Delia.

UV EFFECT--)

GIANT BEETLEJUICE (demon voice) WE COME FER YOUR DAUGHTER, CHUCK!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 66.

(Beetles scatter up and down the walls. The front door opens and the BEETLE-ARMS fling Charles and Delia out of the house.)

CHARLES

Lydiaaaaa!!!

(SLAM! Giant Beetlejuice recedes to reveal Beetlejuice.)

LYDIA

He's really gone...

It's our house now, kid.

BEETLEJUICE

(He SNAPS. The whole house is REUPHOLSTERED in black-and-white Beetle-stripes.)

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH Whoa.

ENSEMBLE (V.O.)

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE Looks like we're not invisible anymore.

AH!

ENSEMBLE (V.O.) END OF ACT ONE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 67.

ENTR'ACTE

ACT TWO

MEN DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN GO AH AH AH AH AH

ENSEMBLE

WOMEN DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WAN GO AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH

ENSEMBLE

SCENE ONE THREE DAYS LATER. We’re OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. The place looks abandoned, HAUNTED. An adorable GIRL SCOUT, 10, enters.

GIRL SCOUT THIS IS IT, THE DAY I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR WISHING, HOPING, WORKING AND PRAYING FOR THE DAY MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN DELAYING FOR YEARS OOH! I’M GONNA SELL SOME COOKIES! IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEY’RE OVERPROTECTIVE I WAS BORN WITH ARRHYTHMIA, MY HEART IS DEFECTIVE ONLY TAKE ONE SHOCK AND I COULD BE DEAD FROM THE FEAR STILL, I’M GONNA SELL SOME COOKIES! HIKE BY HIKE SONG BY SONG THE GIRL SCOUTS HELPED MY HEART GROW STRONG THEY HAD MY BACK IF ANYTHING WENT WRONG WITH ME JAMBOREES, SODA POP DISTRACTED FROM THE FACT THAT MY HEART COULD STOP FROM TETRALOGY OF FALLON IN MY PULMONARY ARTERY! WHEE! WHEN YOU’RE A GIRL SCOUT EVERYTHING’S GONNA WORK OUT EVEN IF YOU’RE BORN WITH CONGENITAL HEART DISEASE AND YOU COULD BE KILLED BY A RANDOM SNEEZE YOU’RE A GIRL SCOUT AND EVERYTHING’S GONNA WORK OUT JUST GONNA RING THE BELL OF THIS CREEPY LOOKING HOUSE! (DING DONG. The door CREEEEAKS open to reveal a zombified-looking Lydia.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 68.

Hello little girl...

LYDIA

GIRL SCOUT Um. Yes. Um. HI! MY NAME IS SKY AND I’M HERE TODAY TO SUPPORT THE GIRL SCOUTS

BY SELLING COOKIES FOUR DOLLARS A BOX WOULD YOU LIKE SOME? SURE. REALLY?

LYDIA GIRL SCOUT

LYDIA YEAH! WHAT FLAVORS YOU GOT? GIRL SCOUT WELL I’VE GOT CHOCOLATE BANANA AND OATBRAN PECAN SAMOAS AND THIN MINTS AND ONE THAT TASTES LIKE APPLE PIE LYDIA WHY DON’T YOU COME INSIDE? GIRL SCOUT BUT WE’RE REALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY? PEDOPHILES. RIGHT.

LYDIA GIRL SCOUT LYDIA

GIRL SCOUT BUT IT’S SO COLD AND YOU’RE NOT MEAN AND NO ONE GETS MOLESTED BY A GOTHY TEEN SO I GUESS, OKAY, IT’S FINE YEAH?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 69.

GIRL SCOUT ALL RIGHT! I’LL COME INSIDE! (Blackout. The Girl Scout and Lydia are now inside the darkened house.)

It's so dark in here.

Is it? I hadn't noticed.

GIRL SCOUT (cont'd) LYDIA

GIRL SCOUT Don't worry! I'm always prepared!

(She turns on a FLASHLIGHT and shines it on her own face--) GIRL SCOUT (cont'd)

Boo!

(then, giggling) Just kidding. Hope I didn't scare-(She swings the light around to Lydia's unsettling stare--)

AAAAH-RRHYTHMIA! -two, three, four-

You're fun.

GIRL SCOUT (cont'd) (scared) (then, calming her pulse) LYDIA (a creepy smile)

(Lights rise. The house is much creepier than it was in Act 1. VERY Beetlejuice.)

I like you too.

GIRL SCOUT

LYDIA (weirdly chipper) Let me grab some cash for those cookies!

(She goes to the kitchen.)

GIRL SCOUT Okay, well... maybe I should come back another time when your parents are home-(Then magically right behind her--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 70.

BEETLEJUICE

Boo!

(She SCREAMS.) DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND?

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

(MUSIC IN. Girl Scout SCREAMS again. Lydia barrels out of the kitchen like a zombie--) THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND?

LYDIA

(Girl Scout SCREAMS again. Beetlejuice and Lydia toy with her throughout the following.)

BEETLEJUICE THAT IS THE SOUND OF CLEAN WHITE SHORTS TURNING BROWN TORTURE AND PAIN BREAKING A BRAIN A SOUND THAT SAYS “I WILL NEVER SLEEP WELL AGAIN” (Girl Scout runs out of the house SCREAMING.) LYDIA THE SOUND OF A SCREAM IS MUSIC TO ME A SOUND THAT SAYS “FIFTEEN YEARS FULL TIME THERAPY” TRAUMA AND FEAR IT SINGS IN MY EAR

BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE & LYDIA AIN’T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND? THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND...

(DING DONG. The doorbell rings.)

BEETLEJUICE Ooh! Somebody's at the door.

LYDIA You wanna answer it this time?

More than anything.

BEETLEJUICE

(Beetlejuice goes to the door.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 71.

LYDIA Act natural, don’t oversell it-BEETLEJUICE Come on, you're giving ME advice?

(Beetlejuice opens the door. It’s a CENSUS TAKER, Oxford shirt, clipboard.)

CENSUS TAKER (looking at his clipboard) Hello, I’m with the U.S. Census Bureau. Have time for a few-(looking up at Beetlejuice) Oh my god.

BEETLEJUICE

Hi.

CENSUS TAKER (so scared, but trying) How many... people live here?

LYDIA

Just me.

(Lydia WAVES coyly. Census Taker hesitantly WAVES BACK then turns slowly to Beetlejuice.)

CENSUS TAKER

And you?

BEETLEJUICE I don't live here. I'm dead.

(Census Taker SCREAMS and runs away.)

(Beetlejuice SLAMS the door.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) PANIC AND STRESS OH AIN’T IT THE BEST THE SOUND OF A HEART EXPLODING INSIDE A CHEST IT FILLS YOU WITH PRIDE WE’RE RUINING LIVES

LYDIA PANIC AND STRESS AIN’T IT THE BEST HEART EXPLODING INSIDE A CHEST

LYDIA (cont'd) BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 72.

LYDIA & BEETLEJUICE AIN’T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE IN TOWN? THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND! BEETLEJUICE Hey, you know what’d make this even more awesome?

LYDIA

What?

BEETLEJUICE

More ME!

(Beetlejuice clones himself into a bunch of singing, dancing Beetlejuices--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND Fellas!

BEETLEJUICE & CLONES ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND ALL WE WANNA DO IS HEAR THAT SOUND (DANCE BREAK! Then - DING DONG!) BEETLEJUICE Ooh! Somebody's at the door. (to CLONES) Alright, let's make some people scream.

(The Clones open the door to a UPS MAN in uniform.)

Package for Deetz?

UPS MAN

BEETLEJUICE Ya know, overnight delivery costs extra.

LYDIA

What a rip-off!

(Beetlejuice & Lydia rip the arms off a clone.

UPS Man SCREAMS and FAINTS. DING DONG! They reset. A STONED PIZZA GUY enters.)

Pizza for Deetz?

STONED PIZZA GUY

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 73.

Hey, what'd you order?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE Pepperoni, mushroom... and snakes.

STONED PIZZA GUY

Snakes?

(A CLONE pops up in front of the Pizza Guy. SNAKES explode out of his face. Stoned Pizza Guy SCREAMS and FAINTS. DING DONG! A busy-body NEIGHBOR enters.)

BEETLEJUICE Wow! A lotta people come to this house. Lights!

NEIGHBOR Hello? New neighbors? I brought you a pie! It’s from the store...

(She sees Beetlejuice and SCREAMS. He pushes her into her own pie.)

BEETLEJUICE Hey Lydia, watch this! DANCE BREAK! (Beetlejuice PUPPETEERS THE VICTIMS in a tap dance. Then they usher the Victims out of the house.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Hey lady! You forgot something!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) YES I HEAR THAT SOUND! LYDIA THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND A SOUND THAT MEANS NO MORE CONDESCENDING ADULTS HANGING AROUND BEETLEJUICE EVERY GROAN BEETLEJUICE & LYDIA EACH WAIL AND EACH MOAN ADDS UP TO

CLONES YES WE HEAR

CLONES (cont'd) THAT BEAUTIFUL YES WE DO IT’S BEAUTIFUL HANGING AROUND CLONES (cont'd) OOOOO CLONES (cont'd) OOOOO

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 74.

LYDIA DADDY’S LEAVING ME THE HELL ALONE

CLONES (cont'd) DADDY’S LEAVING

HEY LOOK AT ME!

WE’RE LOOKING AT YOU GIRL

I’M FINALLY FREE! I WAS INVISIBLE

YOU’RE FINALLY FREE, GIRL SHE WAS INVISIBLE

BEETLEJUICE BUT NOW THEY ALL SEE

CLONES (cont'd) BUT NOW THEY ALL SEE

LYDIA THEY’RE OUT OF MY GRILL BECAUSE OF THAT SHRILL SYMPHONY!

CLONES (cont'd) SHRILL SYMPHONY

ALL AIN’T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND? THAT BEAUTIFUL GROUP ONE SOUND

SOUND

SOUND

SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL

GROUP TWO SOUND THAT SOUND

GROUP THREE SOUND THAT SOUND

THAT SOUND

THAT SOUND

THAT SOUND SOUND

THAT SOUND ALL

GROUP FOUR THAT SOUND THAT SOUND THAT SOUND SOUND

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 75.

GROUP ONE

GROUP TWO

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

SOUND!

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

SOUND

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

SOUND

GROUP THREE SOUND!

THAT BEAUTIFUL

THAT BEAUTIFUL

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND!

THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

ALL

(MUSIC OUT.) BEETLEJUICE Look atchya, kid! First time hauntin’ your own genoo-wine haunt-ed house, and you’re a natural! But-- if you’re gonna live like a ghost, you gotta follow the rules. Rule Number One. Don’t leave the house.

LYDIA

Why not?

(Beetlejuice SNAPS. The front door flies open.

Revealing a SANDWORM in the distance.)

BEETLEJUICE

That’s why not.

Whoa. What is that?

LYDIA

(He snaps again. The door SLAMS.) BEETLEJUICE THAT... is a Sandworm. They eat ghosts. FORESHADOWING! Rule number two! Every new ghost gets-- a Tote Bag! (He produces an NPR Tote Bag.) National Public Radio?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE That’s where tote bags come from. And there’s cool stuff in there. Toblerone. A bath bomb. A book you'll never read-(Lydia pulls an OLD BOOK out of the tote bag.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 76.

LYDIA “The Handbook for the Recently Deceased?”

BEETLEJUICE That's it. Every dead person gets one! But since you are not actually dead-- wanna see a sad puppet show?

(He begins to RE-IGNITE THE FIREPLACE, but Lydia interrupts--) LYDIA Could I use this book to find my mom?

BEETLEJUICE Your mom?! Your mom's dead. She's in the Netherworld-LYDIA The Netherworld? Can I bring her back? Could I bring her here?

BEETLEJUICE What!? Why would ANYONE want to spend MORE TIME with their mom?! Did I mention my mom's a DEMON? (it all pours out) And she was IMPOSSIBLE, ya know? She'd start drinking, I'd say, "Stop drinking, mom! It's me or the booze!" And she'd say, "Then I choose the booze!" Point is-- we JUST got rid of your DAD! And we was havin’ so much fun together!

(Clones CACKLE. Lydia tries to open the book.)

I can’t open it.

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE Yeah! Cause you're not recently deceased!

Ohhhh.

LYDIA

(then, an idea) I'll ask Adam and Barbara to open it!

(Lydia starts upstairs.)

BEETLEJUICE Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Where you goin'? You're leaving me?!

LYDIA I'm gonna get the book open.

BEETLEJUICE But I thought we were pals!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 77.

LYDIA What are you talking about? I want my mom back.

(And she's gone.)

BEETLEJUICE (calling after her) WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? (then, to the audience) Can you believe this? After everything I did for her. Alone again.

(Sad underscoring in.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) You know how it feels to get everything you thought you ever wanted... and you STILL feel like no one will ever love you? (to the SAME GUY from Act 1) This guy knows what I'm talkin' about.

(Sad underscoring out.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) I gotta get outta here! Really LIVE. Really CONNECT. Everyone can see me now, but if I was ALIVE, I could get out of this house. Meet MY kinda people. Ya know, socially liberal but fiscally conservative. (then, an idea) And there is a way. All I have to do is convince Lydia... to marry me.

BEETLEJUICE CLONES

What!?

BEETLEJUICE Where did I lose you? It's not a real marriage. It's a GREEN CARD thing! Strictly business. And I got a plan. Course... I might have to get a little bit... mean.

(The Clones CACKLE.) A little bit... NASTY.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

(The Clones CACKLE again.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) You wanna treat me like a demon? I'll be a demon!

DO YOU HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND THE SOUND OF A SUPER EVIL PLAN GOING DOWN BEING BAD ROCKS (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 78.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) SHE’S IN FOR A SHOCK SOON AS SHE LIFTS THE LID ON BEETLEJUICE & CLONES

PANDORA’S BOX BEETLEJUICE I’M A MAN WITH A PLAN I LIVE TO CONNIVE

SPEAKING OF LIVIN’ IT’S ALMOST A GIVEN THAT I WILL

BEETLEJUICE CLONES A MAN WITH A PLAN NOW HE LIVES TO CONNIVE NOW BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

BEETLEJUICE & CLONES

SOON BE ALIVE! I’LL BE UNSHACKLED COME ON, LET’S CACKLE! SOON I’LL BE

BEETLEJUICE

BEETLEJUICE & CLONES PAINTING THE TOWN AIN'T IT THE SWEETEST NOISE AROUND THAT BEAUTIFUL-BEETLEJUICE SOUND THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND

SOUND SOUND SOUND

CLONES

(End of song. CROSSFADE TO--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 79.

SCENE TWO The Attic. The Maitlands pace, worried.

ADAM He’s going to kill somebody. Somebody is gonna get killed.

BARBARA And Lydia. She can’t live like this.

ADAM I have an idea. Let’s chop off his head.

Yes!

BARBARA (Lydia enters with the Handbook.)

LYDIA (jaunty) Who are we decapitating?

Beetlejuice.

BARBARA

LYDIA You should. He’d LOVE that.

ADAM You know, “hate” is a strong word but I... do not like him.

LYDIA Yeah he's a monster. But he's my monster. And he gave me this!

(She shows them the Handbook.)

ADAM What is that? Is that an old book? (then, gushing) I love old books!

BARBARA (a thing they say, setting Adam up) There are two kinds of people in this world: new car smell people-ADAM --and old book smell people!

LYDIA And we... are old book smell people.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 80.

(They all smile. A nice shared moment. Then--) BARBARA (reading the cover) The Handbook For the Recently Deceased.

LYDIA (holding out the book) I just need one of you to open it. Adam? Want to do the honors?

ADAM (taking it reverently) Oh boy. This is exciting.

BARBARA Lydia, why did Beetlejuice give that to you?

LYDIA I’m gonna use it to bring my Mom back from the Netherworld.

The Netherworld...?

Here we go!

BARBARA ADAM

(Adam opens the book. It SOUNDS LIKE A TOMB OPENING--) Whoa.

LYDIA

ADAM Whoa! This is SUCH an interesting font. (he GRINS, then reads) Okay! "Chapter One. The Netherworld. All ghosts should proceed directly to the Netherworld.” (then) Well that would have been a good thing to know!

LYDIA Does it say anything about summonings? Or seances?

ADAM Hold on. It says we should draw a door.

(Still reading from the book, Adam goes to his work bench and finds a piece of chalk--) ADAM (cont'd) Now normally I’d use a plumbline... but I am not too shabby with the freehand...

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 81.

(Adam draws a door on the wall with a piece of chalk. Then steps back.)

ADAM (cont'd) A little crooked. Okay-(he reads again) "KNOCK THREE TIMES." (then) Here goes nothin'.

(He KNOCKS THREE TIMES and steps back. The door CREAKS open. BRIGHT GREEN LIGHT emanates from the beyond.)

LYDIA Is that... the Netherworld?

(Adam’s drawn towards the door, in a trance.)

ADAM

Ne-ther-world.

Adam?

Netherworld...

BARBARA (alarmed) ADAM (trance) BARBARA

ADAM!

(She SLAMS the door. Takes the book, SLAMS it shut and puts it down. MUSIC OUT.) That book is dangerous.

What? No! Don't close it!

BARBARA (cont'd) LYDIA

BARBARA This is wrong. This is all wrong.

LYDIA I thought you were on my side.

BARBARA We are! But Lydia, you can't live like this! In a haunted house? All alone?

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 82.

LYDIA I've been ALONE since my mother died! But I have a chance to see her again. Please?

(She holds the Book out to Barbara. Then--) BARBARA I can't. It's just too risky.

(Lydia realizes who she's dealing with: The world's most risk-averse people.)

LYDIA Then I'll find a way to do it myself.

(She starts out.)

ADAM

Lydia, wait-We're scared for you.

BARBARA

(Lydia stops at the door. She's mad at them, but there's also PITY in her voice:) LYDIA You're scared of everything. That's why you're stuck in the attic.

(She's gone. But her words ring with Barbara.

MUSIC IN--) ADAM Well, that wasn't very nice! And I LIKE the attic. It's the only room of the house that's still ours.

Adam. Is she right?

LOOK AT THIS STUFF GOD IT'S DEPRESSING

BARBARA

(Adam picks up the chalk.)

ADAM Wait... you don't like this stuff? But... this is our stuff!

BARBARA A SHRINE TO THE FEELINGS THAT WE'VE BEEN REPRESSING (Adam starts to realize: this is about THEM.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 83.

ADAM I mean, maybe we should just... (indicates the Nether-door) ...go?

BARBARA ("Exactly!")

HALF FINISHED PROJECTS MEANINGLESS OBJECTS PLANS I ABANDONED OR QUIT IT'S THE STUFF OF OUR LIVES AND ALL OF IT'S SHIT Barbara-BOOKS ON COMPUTERS? A SPIN-YOUR-OWN-YARN KIT?

ADAM BARBARA

ADAM Okay, that was not as much fun as I thought it would be.

HOME BREWED KOMBUCHA THAT TASTED LIKE ARMPIT

BARBARA

ADAM We're not kombucha people! But we found that out.

TAKE IT AND TRASH IT What?

BARBARA ADAM

BARBARA BURN IT OR SMASH IT WE HAVE TO ADAPT TO SURVIVE WE CAN BE FIGHTERS WITH FIRE INSIDE US WE'RE MORE THAN DETRITUS WE'RE FINALLY ALIVE! THE BARBARA YOU MARRIED SHE IS DEAD AND BURIED SIX FEET BELOW AND BARBARA THE DOORMAT SHE'S COMING BACK IN A NEW FORMAT TIME TO LET GO SAY "HELLO" TO BARBARA 2.0

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 84.

(Adam's fully into what Barbara's saying. He picks up an old METAL DETECTOR.) ADAM I never even used this. And then I felt BAD that I never used it!

BARBARA

Break it!

(Adam does. Feels... surprisingly good!)

BARBARA YOU'RE RIGHT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN HIDING

ADAM

BARBARA I was too. I don't even like pottery!

ADAM SHOVED OUT OF SIGHT LIKE MY UNUSED ALUMINUM SIDING BARBARA We're not aluminum siding people!

ADAM TRAGIC AND STATIC AND TRAPPED IN THE ATTIC NOW ADAM IS SHEDDING HIS SKIN NO MORE EXCUSES WE'RE NO LONGER USELESS WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN THE NEW ADAM IS WISER THE OLD ONE'S FERTILIZER TIME TO LET GO...

SAY HELLO...

BARBARA I'M TIRED OF DOORS TO "BETTER" OR "MORE" WE COULD JUST WALK BUT WE'VE DONE THAT BEFORE WHAT WE CANNOT IGNORE IS LYDIA NEEDS US...

ADAM THAT MUST BE THE REASON SHE SEES US

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 85.

BARBARA ADAM I WANNA STAY SHE NEEDS PEOPLE WHO WON'T RUN AWAY FRIENDS WHO DON'T STOP AT PROBLEMS AND OBSTACLES NOT A HOUSE, BUT A HOME...

BARBARA & ADAM READY, SET LET'S GO...

TIME TO LET GO 'CAUSE THE NEW UPGRADED MAITLANDS ARE CHARGING OUT THE GATES AND THEY'RE GONNA UNLOAD SAY HELLO TO MAITLANDS 2.0 MAITLANDS 2.0 MAITLANDS 2.0 OH...

OH...

(And on applause, we CROSSFADE TO--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 86.

SCENE THREE - FIVE The front door slams open, daylight streams in. Charles and Delia enter, terrified and holding CRUCIFIXES. CHARLES Hello!? Stripey Ghost Man? I have returned to pry my beloved daughter from your cold, dead hands -(SLAM! The front door slams shut. Delia SQUEALS and GRABS Charles.)

CHARLES (cont'd) Delia. It was just the wind.

But what if it’s...

DELIA

(hiss-whispering) Lydia? What if she’s POSSESSED? What if Lydia is in my head RIGHT NOW!?

CHARLES Delia, there is NOTHING in your head.

DELIA

Charles!

CHARLES Except... brains. Big, beautiful brains.

You have a big brain.

DELIA

(They come together, passionate.)

CHARLES You have a big brain.

You make it big.

DELIA (cont'd) You have a big brain.

(They're about to kiss. Then--) CHARLES (cont'd) Ugh! I wish I’d never brought us to this godforsaken house.

Let’s save Lydia and then get the hell out of here. Where is that damned exorcist!?

DELIA About that. I have exciting news. I canceled the exorcist.

And I got someone better. My Guru Otho!

CHARLES Sweet Jesus, Delia, we need a REAL exorcist. You saw that monster. Who knows what he’s done to Lydia.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 87.

DELIA I thought you’d be proud of me for taking initiative.

I am. I'm super proud.

CHARLES

DELIA It's like my Guru Otho always says, "If you don't take a chance... you don't have a chance. Because you didn't take it."

(The front door OPENS to reveal OTHO, a snazzily-dressed con man with swagger.)

I do always say that.

OTHO

(Otho swaggers in. Delia goes to meet him.)

Otho!

DELIA

OTHO Delia! My disciple. Spirit hug!

(As they "hug" without touching--) DELIA & OTHO (mantra in unison) Life is Life. Love is Love. Live a Life of Love!

(Charles crosses in--) CHARLES Okay. Otho. Buddy. Thanks for coming, but we are dealing with a haunted house here. I'm not sure you're equipped to-OTHO Delia, what do I always say about... (glaring at Charles) ...DOUBT? DELIA "The B is silent but it still stings!"

Not that one.

OTHO

DELIA "Why say DOUBT when you can stop at DO." Not that one!

OTHO

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 88.

DELIA Oh! "Doubt! It has a U but it doesn't have a ME!" OTHO That's the one. You see Charles, as a Life Coach I have but one enemy-CHARLES

Death?

Let me say it--

OTHO (quickly, irritated)

(grandly) DEATH. I've studied Death. I think like Death. I spent a long holiday weekend in a Red Roof Inn... with Death. And I'm still here! So I'm the perfect person to battle your... ghost.

DELIA Charles, you can't argue with that.

CHARLES I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Good! So I have the job?

OTHO

(Charles hesitates.)

Delia?

CHARLES

DELIA Otho has never let me down.

CHARLES Oh god! We have to do something.

OTHO Then let's get to it! Right now... just outside the walls of this house. Nestled in the hatchback of my Toyota Prius. Is a MYSTERIOUS OBJECT of my own design. It's the perfect weapon to vanquish your ghost. I call it... The Soul Box. Wow.

DELIA

OTHO Yes. "Wow." I'm going to SUCK your ghost into it. And trap him there. Forever. To the Prius!

(Charles and Delia follow Otho out.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 89.

DELIA This is ALREADY the best exorcism I've ever been to.

CHARLES

Oh lord.

(They're gone. Lydia emerges from the kitchen with the Handbook--) LYDIA He came back for me. Why can't he just leave me alone-(Beetlejuice POPS-UP from behind the couch.)

BEETLEJUICE I know, right?! What a jerk!

LYDIA (determined) I'm not going with them. I'm bringing my mom back.

BEETLEJUICE Hey, I'm on your side. And I always will be. Scout's honor.

But that Book's got a lotta dangerous stuff in it. Lemme point you to the right page-LYDIA I can't open it! I had it open for a second but the Maitlands slammed it shut.

BEETLEJUICE Oh my god! CLASSIC Maitlands. You know, they're the real villains of this show.

LYDIA

What?

BEETLEJUICE Nothing. So! Your dad wants to suck me into that fancy box.

When he turns it on, what if your mom shows up instead?

You can do that?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE No. But you can. Let's get that book open!

(He takes the Handbook and OPENS IT. THE SOUND OF A TOMB OPENING. Flips to a specific page--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Let me see here... Ah! "Shade Maternal, Fate Infernal."

That's the one.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 90.

OTHO (O.S.) Careful Charles! Lift with your back!

BEETLEJUICE Quick! Up the stairs! Let 'em think they're in control, then spring the trap.

LYDIA (grinning) Classic bait-and-switch.

(Lydia runs upstairs. Beetlejuice turns to the audience and comes downstage--) BEETLEJUICE (sinister) Oldest trick in the book.

(He SINKS into the PIT. The front doors open to reveal a RIDICULOUS TABLEAU: Otho and Delia flanking Charles, holding the vaunted SOUL BOX - a small GLOWING CUBE encrusted with LIGHTS and SYMBOLS Sharper Image by way of Dan Brown.

They're all wearing MAD-SCIENTIST GOGGLES.) Watch out, GHOST!

OTHO

(They enter. Otho types on a TABLET. Charles carries the box at waist-level. It's HEAVY.) Otho, is this thing safe?

CHARLES

OTHO I don't know. Keep it away from sensitive areas.

CHARLES

What!?

Put it on the plinth!

OTHO

(Charles heaves the Soul Box onto the plinth and backs away.)

DELIA Now Otho, I notice the Soul Box is both glowing and making a noise. What does that mean?

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 91.

OTHO (typing on his tablet) So glad you asked. That means it's working. Sucks-yes! Now Charles, we haven't discussed my fee. Normally, I perform exorcisms pro bono, but... you made me come to Connecticut.

(Lydia comes down the stairs with the Handbook. Powerful. Almost sinister.)

LEAVE. THIS. HOUSE.

LYDIA CHARLES

Lydia!

DELIA See! I knew it. Possessed!

(Delia dives behind the couch.)

LYDIA The ghosts who dwell here want you GONE. And so do I. (A sinister BEETLEJUICE CACKLE echoes.)

Otho! Do something!

Okayyyy.

CHARLES OTHO (looking at his tablet)

(He hits button on tablet. The Soul Box suddenly emits an impressive laser-planetarium show of dazzling effects.

Adam and Barbara enter--) Lydia! Wait!

ADAM

BARBARA You were right. We're here to help you!

LYDIA I don't need your help! I'm bringing my mom back. And none of you can stop me.

What?!

CHARLES (Lydia’s voice echoes as she reads--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 92.

LYDIA “Shade maternal, fate infernal I summon thee with Saturn's breath" (The house SHAKES.) CHARLES

Lydia!

LYDIA “Mother nearest, heart held dearest Arise! And be released from death!”

(Thunder! Lightning! Barbara is PULLED INTO THE AIR, hovering above Otho's device--) ADAM

Barbara!

LYDIA

Barbara?

(Barbara SCREAMS in pain. Adam rushes to her.)

ADAM

Oh god!

What did you do!?

(to Lydia)

LYDIA I don't know! I thought I was bringing my mom back.

(Barbara SCREAMS again.)

ADAM

Help her!

LYDIA I don't know how! I don't know how to stop it.

What's happening to her!?

ADAM

BEETLEJUICE (O.S.) Exorcism! Death for the dead!

(Beetlejuice rises out of the floor.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) HEY GUYS, AWESOME SEANCE! LOTS OF GOOD OLD FASHIONED CHAOS YOU LOSE! IN YOUR FACES! CAUSE LOOK WHO’S HOLDING ALL THE ACES?

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 93.

ADAM

You did this.

BEETLEJUICE

Nope, SHE did.

(spinning on Lydia) We could have been a great team, but you wanted your mommy.

So this is what you get!

LYDIA

You lied to me.

BEETLEJUICE Sorry, kid. Bait and switch. Oldest trick in the book.

What do you want?

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE I'm tired of bein' alone! And LIFE is the only way out. So if you want to save Barbara, I need YOU... (drops to one knee) ...to MARRY ME! EVERYONE (EXCEPT BEETLEJUICE)

What!?

It's A GREEN CARD THING!

BEETLEJUICE

CHARLES You're insane. She's not marrying you.

(Charles charges, but he's chained to the wall. Barbara WAILS in pain again.)

Somebody do something!

ADAM

(Adam charges, but Beetlejuice magically flings him back against the wall.)

BEETLEJUICE HEY IT'S GREAT THAT YOU ATE UP MY PLAN NOW THE POOCH HAS BEEN SCREWED AND THE SHIT'S HIT THE FAN (to Otho and Delia) YOU WANTED ME GONE (Otho and Delia are also chained.)

I don't have a choice.

LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 94.

YOU WANTED YOUR MOM

BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA It's my fault she's dying.

BEETLEJUICE YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG BOOK NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE (Beetlejuice motions to Barbara who SCREAMS again.)

LYDIA Okay. I'll do it. I'll marry you.

THERE’S!

BEETLEJUICE (Beetlejuice motions. Barbara DROPS.)

GON--!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (Beetlejuice motions. Adam is freed. He rushes to Barbara.)

--NA!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (Beetlejuice motions. Otho and Delia are freed.)

BE!

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (Beetlejuice motions. Charles is freed.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) A GOOD OLD FASHIONED WEDDIN' FILLED WITH DANCING AND UN-DEADIN' WHERE THE COVER BAND IS CRANKING AND THE AGE GAP IS UPSETTIN' (As he sings, he draws a door on the wall--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) WHEN I FINALLY SAY “I DO” I’LL BE ALIVE AND BORN ANEW AND I’LL BE BORING JUST LIKE YOU OH BOY, I’M ON MY WAY (He KNOCKS THREE TIMES and THE DOOR OPENS.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 95.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) (to Adam & Barbara) It's finally time for you two to go to the Netherworld. See ya, suckers!

(The Maitlands are SUCKED toward the door.)

The Netherworld... WAIT!

LYDIA

(The Maitlands - and Beetlejuice - stop.)

BEETLEJUICE

Yes, dear?

LYDIA You have to let me say goodbye.

BEETLEJUICE Make it snappy! I want CAKE! (Lydia crosses and HUGS the Maitlands.)

BEING DEAD SUCKS RENT ME A TUX I GOT WHAT I WANT FROM SOUP TO NUTS BJ’S GETTING MARRIED--

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

(As they hug, she rotates them so she's between them and the open door. She turns--) LYDIA Hey Beetlejuice! I'm going to the Netherworld.

What?!

BEETLEJUICE

LYDIA Classic bait-and-switch. Oldest trick in the book!

(She BOLTS THROUGH THE DOOR.) Lydia!

CHARLES (Charles runs THROUGH the DOOR after her--)

No! No...

ADAM (THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT. MUSIC OUT.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 96.

BEETLEJUICE Why does everyone keep LEAVING ME?! (then) Okay. New plan. You're all gonna die! (sings) TODAY! (BLACKOUT. As Beetlejuice chases Otho offstage...)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Not so fast there, Soul Box! We're gonna play a game!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 97.

SCENE SIX DARKNESS. CHARLES

Lydia?

LYDIA

Dad?

(LIGHTS RISE on a bizarre series of what look like CROOKED PICTURE FRAMES in a RAMSHACKLE MISE EN ABYME. AKA: A MINDBENDING BURTONSCAPE. Charles finds Lydia--) Are you alright?

You followed me...

CHARLES LYDIA

CHARLES (looking around) What... is this place?

(A deceased beauty queen with a clipboard MISS ARGENTINA - enters and sees them--) MISS ARGENTINA This... is the Netherworld.

(They wonder at her, in all her blue/green glory as she rifles violently through a CLIPBOARD--) MISS ARGENTINA (cont'd) Welcome! I am the once and forever Miss Argentina. I died with this sash, they can never take it away! (then pivoting on them) Now! Let's get you processed. Where's your Handbook? You don't have a Handbook?! Why don't you have a Handbook?! Are you trying to skip the line?

Line? For what?

LYDIA

MISS ARGENTINA Did you even READ the Handbook? What else do you have to do?

You're dead!

(She starts off in a huff.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 98.

Actually, we're alive?

LYDIA

(Miss Argentina stops on a dime. Turns back, shocked--) MISS ARGENTINA But that's impossible. A living girl in the world of the dead?

And her father.

CHARLES

MISS ARGENTINA You have to go back. NOW. Before Juno sees you-Juno?

CHARLES

LYDIA I'm not going back. I'm here to find my-MISS ARGENTINA Everyone here would go back if they could.

(MUSIC IN--) MISS ARGENTINA (cont'd) Uch! I wish I was still alive!

I WAS HOT I WENT TO PARTIES A LOT I WAS DRIVING LAMBORGHINIS SIPPING SUPER DRY MARTINIS IN THE TINIEST BIKINIS ON A YACHT BUT I WAS DEPRESSED ALSO COMPLETELY OBSESSED AN UNHAPPY BEAUTY QUEEN WHO DREAMED TO BE MISS ARGENTINA I HAD SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM I WAS A MESS! SO I GAVE IT ALL UP FOR THE NETHERWORLD I’VE BEEN HERE FOREVER, GIRL IF I WAS MORE CLEVER, GIRL I WOULD HAVE STUCK IT OUT KNOWING WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT PAIN AND JOY AND SUFFERING FAILING BUT RECOVERING I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING EVERYONE HERE IS ALONE SO IF YOU ARE BREATHING GO HOME! (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 99.

MISS ARGENTINA (cont'd) IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD HAVE LOOKED WITHIN AND LET LOVE WIN SOMEHOW IF I ONLY KNEW THE TRUTH BACK THEN I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD MY LITTLE ACCIDENT (DING DONG! A loud DOORBELL chimes.)

MISS ARGENTINA (cont'd) Ooh! More new arrivals! (re: Lydia and Charles) They're still alive.

(A group of the RECENTLY DECEASED enter: a WOMAN IN A BATHROBE HOLDING A TOASTER, a REDNECK HOLDING EXPLODED FIREWORKS, a MOBSTER WITH A SCORCHED FACE AND A CIGAR, a DEAD JOCKEY, a GROOM WITH A MACHETE IN HIS HEAD etc. They look around, disoriented, wondering where they are.

Miss Argentina greets them--) MISS ARGENTINA (cont'd) DON'T BE BLIND YOU LEFT YOUR WHOLE LIFE BEHIND SEE A SHRINK! CALL A PRIEST! ASK THE RECENTLY DECEASED DEATH IS FINAL AND YOU CANNOT PRESS REWIND PARACHUTE MAN DON'T JUMP WHEN THE LIGHT IS RED TOASTER WOMAN TOASTERS SHOULD BE USED FOR BREAD NEVER SMOKE CIGARS IN BED

CIGAR MOBSTER

RUNNING BACK NIETZSCHE WAS RIGHT, YOU KNOW TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER, BRO MACHETE GROOM DON'T CHEAT ON THE ONE YOU WED NEVER WHIP A THOROUGHBRED

DEAD JOCKEY

(A HUNTER WITH A SHRUNKEN HEAD enters--) EVERYONE BUT SHRUNKEN HEAD GUY ANGRY PYGMIES SHRUNK HIS HEAD

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 100.

MISS ARGENTINA & RECENTLY DECEASED WHY DID IT TAKE DEATH TO SEE HAPPINESS WAS UP TO ME IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED AND DANCED AND LANCED EVERY SACRED COW I THOUGHT I KNEW BUT I WAS WRONG ‘CAUSE LIFE IS SHORT BUT DEATH IS SUPER LONG REDNECK GUY

I EXPLODED.

(DANCE BREAK! The rest of the FOOTBALL TEAM enters and dances with everyone.)

MISS ARGENTINA

RECENTLY DECEASED

IF I KNEW THEN

IF I KNEW

WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD HAVE CROSSED EVERY LINE AND DRUNK ALL THE WINE BEFORE MY FINAL BOW IF I KNEW THE THINGS THAT NOW I KNOW

I KNOW NOW I WOULD HAVE CROSSED EVERY LINE AND DRUNK ALL THE WINE BEFORE MY FINAL BOW IF I KNEW THE THAT THINGS NOW I KNOW

RECENTLY DECEASED (cont'd) I WOULD RIDE THE HIGHS AND CHERISH THE LOWS KNOWING IT’S A QUICK TRIP 'ROUND THE RODEO MISS ARGENTINA

RECENTLY DECEASED (cont'd)

SO BEFORE THEY LOWER THE CURTAIN BE CERTAIN TO ENJOY THE SHOW THAT'S WHAT I KNOW

AH AH AH AH AH LIFE IS SHORT BUT DEATH IS LONG HERE ONE MINUTE THEN IT’S GONE THOUGHT I KNEW BUT I WAS WRONG

MISS ARGENTINA & RECENTLY DECEASED IF I ONLY KNEW WHAT I KNOW NOW (After applause-- BRRROOOONK! A klaxon ALARM. Then an offstage voice BOOMS--) REPORT FOR PROCESSING!

JUNO (O.S.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 101.

(Machinery SCRAPES into gear. A TSA METAL DETECTOR trundles onstage. And out of the floor rises an old crone with a voice like road tar. This is JUNO.) JUNO (cont'd) All recently deceased individuals... FORM A LINE! (The DEAD line up, pulling Charles and Lydia into line with them.)

This doesn't seem good.

My name is Juno.

CHARLES JUNO

(She takes a drag off her cigarette. She’s got a tracheotomy. SMOKE wafts out.)

JUNO (cont'd) It is my job to help EASE your transition OUT of the OVERWHELMING EMOTION OF LIFE... (gesturing to the space beyond the detector) ...and IN-to the blissful numbness and soothing solitude that await you in the INFINITE ABYSS OF NOTHINGNESS THAT IS THE NETHERWORLD. Also: No liquids! DRINK IT OR THROW IT OUT! (DING! One of the Recently Deceased steps through and vanishes into The Netherworld.

Lydia breaks the line to approach Juno.)

LYDIA My mom's dead. Is she in there?

JUNO Everyone who's ever died is in there. But honey, whatever you think you're looking for... you're not gonna find it.

LYDIA I've come this far. I have to try.

Lydia, no!

CHARLES (But Lydia's already BOLTED through the detector. SIRENS BLARE. The machinery grinds to a HALT.)

JUNO You. You’re still breathing aren’t you? Well we can take care of that.

(MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 102.

JUNO (cont'd) (to the FOOTBALL PLAYERS) New meat! Take care of it!

(SOUND EFFECT as she "magically" moves them into an attack.

Lydia hands Charles the PIECE OF CHALK.) LYDIA Dad. Draw a door. Go home. I'm going to find mom!

(She darts off into the murk.)

Lydia! No... Wait!

WE GOT A RUNNER!

CHARLES JUNO

(The FOOTBALL PLAYERS pursue Lydia, knocking over Charles in their haste.

And we CROSSFADE TO--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 103.

SCENE SEVEN Lydia bolts deeper into the Netherworld: an ECHOING VOID of kaleidoscopic emptiness, dizzying, vertiginous-- literally breathtaking.

LYDIA

Mom!?

(She keeps running.)

LYDIA (cont'd)

Where are you?!

(Lydia slows. The gaping absence of everything taking its toll.)

LYDIA (cont'd)

Mom?

(A COLD ECHO.) LYDIA (cont'd)

MOM!?

(Another ECHO. Lydia sighs, distraught, starting to doubt if she's ever going to find what she's looking for...)

What am I doing?

LYDIA (cont'd)

(She crumples to the ground. Then-- one last plea.)

LYDIA (cont'd) MAMMA I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE I'M TIRED OF TALKING TO MYSELF HERE BACK AT HOME YOU DON’T EXIST SO HERE I AM IN THE ABYSS ARE YOU REALLY IN THIS PLACE? IT'S LIKE THE EMPTINESS OF SPACE I COULD SEARCH FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NEVER SEE YOUR FACE HELP ME OUT I’M LOST WITHOUT YOU STANDING STUCK ON THIS IMPOSSIBLE ROAD NO IDEA WHICH WAY TO GO WHICHEVER PATH I CHOOSE I LOSE, YOU KNOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME (MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 104.

LYDIA (cont'd) OH I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME OH YOU ALWAYS SAW LIFE AS A GAME BUT SINCE YOU LEFT IT SUCKS TO PLAY I’M BEATEN UP AND BRUISED CONFUSED BY RULES THAT ALTER EVERY DAY WHERE TO NEXT? YOU LEFT BUT I’M STILL STANDING SPINNING ON THIS INFINITE ROAD TERRIFIED OF LETTING YOU GO NO LIGHT ABOVE AND THERE'S NO HOPE BELOW I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY'S HOME MA, I GOT MY HEART IN MY HAND SPEAK TO ME AND I'LL UNDERSTAND ONE LITTLE WORD TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE LYDIA (cont'd) AND SHOW ME THE WAY BACK HOME OH IS THERE A WAY BACK HOME? OH

AH OH AH OH

ENSEMBLE

LYDIA (cont'd) THE NOTHINGNESS AHEAD OF ME IS THIS THE END YOU MEANT FOR ME? EVERY LIVING MINUTE THERE'S NO HOME WITHOUT YOU IN IT I'M FALLING QUIT STALLING YOUR DAUGHTER IS CALLING YOUR NAME I BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES AND CAME! (Charles rushes on. He's been searching for her. But he doesn't realize yet how lost Lydia really is...)

CHARLES Lydia! Thank god. Come on. We have to go home.

I don't have a home.

LYDIA (resigned, certain)

CHARLES Don't say that. Look, I know things have been difficult-LYDIA (confident, sad) --but we're "moving forward!" Right?

(MORE)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 105.

LYDIA (cont'd) That's your answer for everything. Move forward, feel nothing. Well, here we are, dad! You got what you wanted. An endless abyss of nothing.

CHARLES You think this is what I want? I never said-LYDIA (finally breaking) You never SAY anything! She was my whole world! And she left us. And you won't even say her name.

CHARLES (it erupts out of him) BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH! (Charles turns away. Lydia's stunned. She genuinely had no idea he had that in him.)

CHARLES (cont'd) (then, when he can) She was my world too, Lydia. That's why I've been trying so hard to build a new one.

LYDIA But dad, there's no one in it. We left each other behind.

We're all alone.

(Now Charles is stunned.)

CHARLES You're right... God! You know your mother knew this was going to happen. I mean, not this. I don't think anyone could have predicted this. But a few nights before she... before the end... Emily took my hand and she said, "I know you want to fix it... but we just have to hold onto each other and live through it." I thought she was talking about us... (meaning Charles and Emily) ...I think she was talking about... US. (He gestures to Lydia.)

LYDIA I don't want to forget her. I'm scared I'm going to forget her. (then) Promise we can talk about her?

Anytime you want.

CHARLES

(Lydia goes to her dad and hugs him. Then--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 106.

LYDIA

Let's go home.

CHARLES That demon with the stupid hair. He'll be waiting for us.

LYDIA I almost feel bad for him.

CHARLES

Why?!

LYDIA He's the loneliest guy I've ever met. (getting an idea) And that's how we're gonna beat him! Trust me. It's gonna get weird, but it's gonna work. Let's draw that door.

CHARLES I just have to get the chalk. I hid it in case that dancing football player found me. He was so fast. So much poise!

(He exits. Lydia turns - one last goodbye.)

I'M GONNA GO BACK HOME

LYDIA

LYDIA (cont'd) ADAM, BARBARA, DELIA AND DAD IT'S MESSY BUT THEY'RE ALL THAT I HAVE I'LL MAKE THE BEST OF BEING FLESH AND BONE MAMMA I'M GOING HOME YEAH MAMMA I'M GOING HOME OH I’M GOING HOME

MAMMA I'M GOING HOME

ENSEMBLE (V.O.)

OH WHOA GOING HOME OH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH MAMMA I'M GOING HOME

(BLACKOUT. And we CROSSFADE TO--) BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH

ENSEMBLE (V.O.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 107.

SCENE EIGHT ROVING SPOTLIGHTS! The house is now a demonic GAME SHOW with a SKELETON audience. Adam, Barbara and Delia are chained to “JEOPARDY!”-STYLE LECTERNS. BEETLEJUICE

IT’S...

“LIFE! OR! DEATH!”

“STUDIO AUDIENCE”

(MUSIC IN. A cheesy “LIFE OR DEATH!” SIGN lights up. Beetlejuice leaps forward.)

BEETLEJUICE Thaaaaat’s right! It’s time for America’s favorite game show, where the contestants SUCK and the host is VERY ANGRY ‘cause his AMAZING PLAN to COME ALIVE just went BALLS UP! (APPLAUSE! Beetlejuice CUTS IT OFF.) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Shut up! I’m ready for some people to die. Let’s spin the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!

(A WHEEL-OF-FORTUNE rises from the floor with sections marked LIFE and DEATH. OTHO is strapped to it in the Vitruvian Man position.)

OTHO Please don’t spin the wheel! I don't want to die!

DELIA Don't worry, Otho! We'll put you in the Soul Box! OTHO DELIA! Don't you get it!? I'm a FRAUD! My name’s not Otho!

DELIA

What!?

OTHO It’s Kevin! I’m from Nutley, New Jersey!

DELIA (to Beetlejuice)

Spin the wheel.

You heard the lady!

BEETLEJUICE

(He spins the wheel. Otho SQUEALS as his head hits the little clicking “flippers”--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 108.

OTHO Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow...

BEETLEJUICE As your Guru Otho always said, "This is taking too long."

(He KICKS the wheel. It rolls off stage with OTHO on it.)

I NEVER SAID THAAAAAAAT!

OTHO

(Offstage CRASH!) (...and then - CHUK! CHUK! CHUK! - the lights and sound of a NETHERWORLD DOOR being DRAWN FROM THE OTHER SIDE. The door opens. It's Lydia, in a RED WEDDING DRESS--) Hey BJ! Lydia!?

LYDIA BEETLEJUICE (She steps through. Charles follows in a TUX.)

LYDIA What’s wrong, sugar lumps? Didja think I wasn’t coming back?

BEETLEJUICE I mean, you literally jumped into hell to get away from me.

LYDIA I had a change of heart! I decided I don't want to go through life alone.

CHARLES And she wanted my blessing! That does not come easy.

(Charles pulls Beetlejuice aside, distracting him as Lydia furtively unchains Barbara, Adam and Delia.)

CHARLES (cont'd) Mr. Juice. I respect your persistence. And your moxie.

LYDIA (sotto) We have a plan. Follow my lead.

(Beetlejuice looks over, suspicious. Charles pulls him back--)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 109.

CHARLES Look at me! I'm CRYING! Because I'm so HAPPY. Welcome to the family. Son. (Beat. Beetlejuice looks back at Lydia again, who gives him a big smile. Is this gonna work?)

BEETLEJUICE Nope. Not buyin’ it. Time to die.

(He LUNGES. Everyone scrambles. Adam steps forward--) ADAM NOW HOLD ON ONE DAMNED MINUTE! (All turn, SHOCKED, to Adam. Who is fairly TREMBLING with emotion.)

ADAM (cont'd) I have something to say, Mr. Beetlejuice. Since we met... you have pinched me... and groped me... and harassed me, sir! And I want to tell you, in front of all these people... that it... has... WORKED. (off their shock) I want you, Beetlejuice! And I want everyone to know it.

(Adam gives Beetlejuice a big SQUEAKY KISS. Barbara "gets it." She steps forward.)

Adam! How dare you!

BARBARA

(She "SLAPS" him.)

OW!

ADAM

BARBARA (sotto, breaking "character") Did I really hit you? I didn't mean to.

No, Maitlands 2.0!

Maitlands 2.0!

ADAM (sotto) BARBARA (sotto)

(back in character) I mean... I'm angry! Because I too am attracted to Mr. Beetlejuice. We ALL are.

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 110.

(She motions to the others. They come aboard.)

EVERYONE Oh yes./Super attracted./Just didn't have the words./Etc. BEETLEJUICE Come on. I mean, this is all very... BELIEVABLE. I am a very SEXUAL being. And I do like an orgy! But - and I say this with love-- YOU PEOPLE DON'T STRIKE ME AS THE ORGY-ING KIND! (then, pointing to Delia) Except for this one. This one's done some stuff. I can tell.

(Delia smiles awkwardly. Lydia steps forward.)

LYDIA Oh Beetlejuice, don't you get it? It's not about that. It's about LOVE and LIFE and choosing the people you want to share it with!

WAY BACK WHEN I WAS JUST TEN SIMPLE AND SWEET EVERYWHERE FELLAS WOULD STARE OUT ON THE STREET AND I FELT USED KINDA CONFUSED I WOULD REFUSE TO LOOK IN THEIR EYES BUT NOW I REALLY LOVE CREEPY OLD GUYS We all do!

GUM DISEASE SKIN LIKE GRILLED CHEESE SAGGY OLD ASSES SAGGY OLD ASSES! CUTE AND VILE YELLIN’ “HEY BABY, SMILE!” TO EACH GIRL THAT PASSES

BARBARA, DELIA, & ADAM BARBARA DELIA LYDIA DELIA LYDIA

BARBARA & DELIA LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 111.

[CAT CALL WHISTLE] THEY MAKE ME BLUSH CAN’T GET ENOUGH NOW ONE OF THEM LOVES ME WANTS TO BE MINE That's right!

DELIA BARBARA DELIA LYDIA

BARBARA, DELIA, & ADAM

LYDIA I’M MARRYING MY OWN CREEPY OLD GUY I’M A CREEPY OLD GUY! MY CREEPY OLD GUY MY CREEPY OLD GUY I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CRY

BEETLEJUICE LYDIA

BARBARA & DELIA GIRLS MAY SEEM DISGUSTED BUT WE'RE ACTUALLY JUST SHY MY CREEPY OLD GROOM HER CREEPY OLD GROOM PLAY THAT WEDDING TUNE HEY FOLKS, STEP ASIDE

LYDIA BARBARA BARBARA & DELIA LYDIA

BEETLEJUICE I am older. But I'm glad I waited!

LYDIA COS HERE COMES THE BRIDE

ENSEMBLE OOOOOO AH

LYDIA (cont'd) I AM MARRYING MY CREEPY OLD GUY

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 112.

LYDIA (cont'd)

MY CREEPY OLD GUY!

ENSEMBLE CREEPY OLD GUY CREEPY OLD GUY CREEPY OLD GUY SHE’S MARRYING CREEPY OLD GUY CREEPY OLD GUY CREEPY OLD GUY

LYDIA (cont'd) FIX HIS HAIR GET HIM PREPARED FOR ARMAGEDDON

ENSEMBLE (cont'd) BOP SHOO BEE DOO WOP BOP SHOO BEE DOO WOP BOP SHOO BEE A BOP BOP SHOO BEE

BARBARA SURE THE GROOM CRAWLED OUT OF A TOMB

ENSEMBLE (cont'd) BOP SHOO BEE DOO WOP BOP SHOO BE DOO WOP

DELIA BUT HEY, IT’S A WEDDIN’

ENSEMBLE (cont'd) BOP SHOO BEE A BOP BOP SHOO BEE

LYDIA SO DIM THE LIGHTS PICK UP SOME RICE SAY SOMETHING NICE IT’S MY DAY TO SHINE I’M GETTING HITCHED TO MY CREEPY OLD GUY

OOO OOO AH SHINE

ENSEMBLE (cont'd)

(Adam smacks Beetlejuice on the ass.)

“It’s showtime.”

ADAM

BARBARA & DELIA CREEPY OLD GUY CREEPY OLD GUY SHE’S MARRYING A CREEPY OLD GUY CHARLES HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN LOLITA? THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT BUT FINE! CREEPY OLD DUDE

ADAM & BARBARA

ADAM/BARBARA/CHARLES/DELIA CREEPY OLD DUDE OUR FAITH HAS BEEN RENEWED THAT LOVE IS ALIVE!

ALL CREEPY OLD DUDE THAT LOVE IS ALIVE!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 113.

LYDIA WAVE YOUR BABY GIRL GOODBYE I AM WALKING DOWN THE AISLE I WANNA SEE A TEAR IN EVERY EYE AS I PASS BY

LYDIA (cont'd) I KNOW THAT ON THE OUTSIDE HE’S DISGUSTING AND EVEN ON THE INSIDE HE’S DISGUSTING BUT I KNOW THAT THIS TIME I'M MAKING THINGS RIGHT

ENSEMBLE OOO OOO BOP SHOO BEE OOO OOO BOP SHOO BEE DOO DAH BAH DOO DAH BAH DOO DAH ENSEMBLE (cont'd) BOP BOP SHOO BEE

ALL

MAKE IT RIGHT! MAKE IT RIGHT! WITH MY FAMILY BY MY SIDE

LYDIA

(Wedding March. Beetlejuice in Spotlight.)

BEETLEJUICE O. M. G. I'M DRESSED TO A "T" FANCY AND FORMAL I FOUND ME A WIFE L'CHAIM! TO LIFE! THIS IS SO NORMAL I WAS IGNORED BUT NOW I'M ADORED CAUSE I EXTORTED, TORTURED, AND LIED GIVE IT UP FOR MY UNDERAGE BRIDE! HERE COMES THE BRIDE HERE COMES THE BRIDE GOD BE GLORIFIED!

ALL

ALL (cont'd) (to audience) I CAN’T BELIEVE SOME CULTURES THINK THIS KIND OF THING’S ALRIGHT LYDIA MY CREEPY OLD GUY MY CREEPY OLD GUY DOESN’T HE DESERVE A CHANCE AT LIFE?

ALL (cont'd) CREEPY OLD GUY

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 114.

BEETLEJUICE OH YEAH THAT’S RIGHT!

ALL (cont'd) YEAH THAT’S RIGHT

LYDIA SO LET’S MAKE HIM ALIVE I AM MARRYING MY CREEPY OLD GUY

GUY

GUY

LYDIA (cont'd)

AH

ALL (cont'd)

ALL (cont'd) GUY! GUY! GUY! CREEPY OLD

+BARBARA

ALL (cont'd) GUY! GUY! GUY! CREEPY OLD

+DELIA

ALL (cont'd) GUY! GUY! GUY! ALL (cont'd)

YEAH!

(MUSIC OUT. After applause, Beetlejuice and Lydia turn and take each other's hands.)

LYDIA & BEETLEJUICE

I... DO.

(The theater SHAKES like a wave of energy just passed through it. Beetlejuice doubles over.

Then draws THE LONGEST DEEPEST BREATH EVER.) I’M ALIIIIIIVE!!!!!

BEETLEJUICE

(We hear BIRDS CHIRPING--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Are those... birds!? They sound so beautiful. (then, full of joy) And that makes me FEEL! Oh God! I actually FEEL... HAPPY! I've never felt this way before! It's amazing! But-(then, fretting) --what if it doesn't last? That makes me feel WORRIED. Now the happiness is gone and-(then, crying so much) --that makes me feel SAD. What if I'm never happy again? Just the thought of that-(then, seething) --makes me SO ANGRY. And I don't know how to PROCESS my anger because as a SOCIETY we don't teach MEN how to process anger.

SO MAYBE.... I'LL JUST TRY MURDER! (He turns on them, wild-eyed.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 115.

CHARLES

Lydia!

(Charles grabs the WEIRD SCULPTURE and throws it to Lydia who STABS Beetlejuice in the back with the SHARP TIP OF THE SCULPTURE.) BEETLEJUICE Unnnggggghhhhhhh---I see what you did there. Neat trick.

You stabbed him!

DELIA ADAM

With bad art.

BEETLEJUICE That... feels... meaningful.

(Beetlejuice collapses.)

DELIA I don’t understand. You brought him to life just so you could kill him?

LYDIA

Exactly.

But now he’ll be--

DELIA

(THWONG! Beetlejuice springs to his feet.)

LYDIA --recently deceased. Adam! We need a door.

ADAM Chapter one. Proceed directly to the Netherworld.

(Adam draws a door. Barbara knocks three times and it opens. OTHERWORLDLY LIGHT.) Hey Beetlejuice-Leave this house.

Ne-ther-world...

BARBARA ADAM & BARBARA BEETLEJUICE

(He stumbles towards it, in a trance... but SOMETHING ELSE comes through the door. JUNO!)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 116.

JUNO

Beetlejuice.

BEETLEJUICE (snapping out of it)

Oh CRAP...

JUNO I shoulda guessed you were mixed up in all this. God, you’re a screw-up!

BEETLEJUICE (whiny teenager) Ugh! Why are you so hard on me, MOM! EVERYONE

Wait. What!?

So embarrassing.

BEETLEJUICE

JUNO You're the embarrassment! To the DEAD! So DESPERATE for someone to love you, you act like a damn FOOL. Now STAY OUT OF MY WAY-(She "magically" pushes him across the room.

Then advances on Lydia--) JUNO (cont'd) YOU. You go to the Netherworld, you don’t come back. That's the rule.

(Beetlejuice gets between Juno and Lydia.)

BEETLEJUICE Back off, mom! Cause of her, I got to LIVE. Briefly. VERY briefly. And can I just say-- LIFE is a goddamned rollercoaster. I don't know how you people do it. So many FEELINGS! One minute you're on top of the world, the next minute you feel no one could ever love you! (to the SAME GUY from Act 1) This guy knows what I'm talkin' about. (then) But I'll tell ya somethin'. It's worth it. Every bit of it.

And I’m not gonna let you take it from her.

JUNO Oh Lawrence... that was beautiful. Maybe I've been all wrong about you. And I admit I haven’t always been a good mother.

But that’s only because I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN! (She flicks her hand. Beetlejuice is sucked out the front door into The WASTELAND.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 117.

BEETLEJUICE NOOOOO! YOU FOOLED ME WITH LOOOOVE! JUNO (turning on Lydia) Now. YOU! You're coming with me.

LYDIA You know what? I've already been to hell and back. Learned a lot along the way. And I think I'll take a chance on Life.

And people. Like these weirdos.

(Charles steps in-- and the rest follow.)

She's not going anywhere.

CHARLES BARBARA

Yeah! Back off!

Over our dead bodies!

ADAM

DELIA AND I’M PART OF THIS TOO! I don’t GET it but I am PART of it!

JUNO Well look at you. All ganging up to fight the mean lady from hell. Adorable. Fine! You want to be together? (her voice echoes menacingly) YOU CAN DIE TOGETHER! (Thunder! Lightning! She advances on them.

Then-- CRRRRRRACK! Beetlejuice CRASHES IN on a GIANT SANDWORM sporting a COWBOY HAT.) BEETLEJUICE YEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! HI MOM! (The Sandworm swallows Juno whole! Beetlejuice hops down. Then turns to the SANDWORM--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Get outta here, girl! You're free now! Git! (then) Look at that, Lydia. Now we both got dead moms.

(He lets the tastelessness sink in. Then---) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) WELLLLP, I should probably get goin’. Think I might go on a little vision quest, find my Dad. SEQUEL!

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 118.

(He stops at each of them-- Wizard of Oz goodbyes--) BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Adam... You’re boring. But you're sexy. Own that. (then, offering his hand) Barbaraaaa! Put her there! (moves her hand) Now put her here.

(She twists his arm.)

Ow! Worth a shot.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

(She lets go.)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd)

Respect.

(to Delia)

Daphne!

DELIA

Delia.

BEETLEJUICE We didn’t hang out much. (then) Charles! You ripe ol' bastard. Never change.

CHARLES I already did change. I changed a lot.

BEETLEJUICE Then go fuck yourself. (then) Lydiaaaa! I’ll miss you most of all, scarecrow.

(She hugs him. Then--) LYDIA Wow, you really smell terrible.

And I know that now.

Welp. BYE.

BEETLEJUICE (then)

(Thunder! Lightning! MUSIC IN. BEETLEJUICE CLONES enter from all doors.)

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 119.

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Goodbye, cruel world!

Dolly'll never come this way again!

AH AH

CLONES

(The Netherworld door opens. Clones lift Beetlejuice like Jesus at the end of Godspell...)

BEETLEJUICE (cont'd) Tell... my... storrrryyyyyyyyyyy... (...Beetlejuice vanishes through the door. It SLAMS SHUT. MUSIC OUT. A long beat. Stunned silence. Then--) CHARLES This has been a strange day.

Strange and unusual.

LYDIA (pleased)

Your crazy plan worked!

BARBARA

LYDIA We make a good team. We did kill someone though.

CHARLES Yes, but we did it together.

LYDIA Adam, Barbara? Would you mind if we all live in this house together?

ADAM We'd love it. Sorry it’s kind of a mess.

Nothing we can’t fix.

BARBARA

DELIA Well... I'm so happy for all of you. I'll just... go.

(She starts out, theatrically dejected.)

Delia--

LYDIA (Delia IMMEDIATELY turns back)

DELIA Yes? Did you say something?

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 120.

LYDIA I want you to stay. It's like you said: You don't get it, but you're a part of it.

DELIA

Sucks-yes!

(She HUGS Lydia. Then goes to the rest of the group--) DELIA (cont'd) I'm gonna say it. This is the best day of my entire life.

(Lydia's at the Victrola.)

LYDIA

Let’s clean up!

(MUSIC IN.) CHARLES Hey! Your mother loved this song!

LYDIA

Wanna dance?

(Charles and Lydia dance together.)

LYDIA (cont'd) SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA! SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE! SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SENORA! SHAKE IT ALL THE TIME! WORK WORK WORK, SENORA! WORK YOUR BODY LINE! WORK WORK WORK, SENORA! WORK IT ALL THE TIME! MY GIRL’S NAME IS SENORA

LYDIA & BARBARA

LYDIA, BARBARA, ADAM

CHARLES

BARBARA I TELL YOU FRIENDS I ADORE HER ADAM AND WHEN SHE DANCES, OH BROTHER! DELIA SHE’S A HURRICANE IN ALL KINDS OF WEATHER

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 121.

ALL JUMP IN DA LINE, ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME LYDIA OK, I BELIEVE YOU!

ALL (cont'd) JUMP IN DA LINE, ROCK YOUR BODY IN TIME!

OK, I BELIEVE YOU!

LYDIA (cont'd) SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE, SENORA! (Adam and Barbara POSSESS Lydia, and lift her OFF THE GROUND...)

SHAKE YOUR BODY LINE! WORK WORK WORK, SENORA! WORK IT ALL THE TIME!

EVERYONE LYDIA EVERYONE

LYDIA MAMMA IF YOU'RE LISTENING DOESN’T THIS JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

I WAS ON A MISSION BUT THIS IS WHAT I LEFT BEHIND

I’LL MISS YOU EVERY DAY BUT SEEK A LITTLE STRANGE AND UNUSUAL AND YOU WILL FIND LIFE BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION

AH

EVERYONE BUT LYDIA

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA AH SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA AH AH

A MESS IN MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS

SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL I KNOW...

AH AH SHAKE SHAKE

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 122.

LYDIA (cont'd) BUT MAMMA I'M HOME

I'M HOME

I'M HOME

EVERYONE BUT LYDIA (cont'd) AH DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME AH DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME AH DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANNA GO HOME AH SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SENORA

LYDIA (cont'd) END OF SHOW

BEETLEJUICE - 4/25/19 - 123.

ENCORE/BOWS (BOWS.) WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK IT ALL THE--

ALL

BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! (BOWS.) WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK YOUR BODY LINE WORK IT ALL THE TIME

ALL (cont'd)

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