Contradicting Grief

Adriana Otto

You were in my dream last night, For the first time in a really long time. I hated that you were there, Because that meant I missed you, And I’m trying to do everything but that. And I hate to say it, But I was so relieved when I woke up, Because hating you is all I know. The trauma you caused me, The emotionless front I had to build, You did this to me. I would ask “how could you?”, But it’s too late, You’re already gone. I was too late. Father’s Day has passed, My worst day of the year, That’s when we found you. I didn’t even cry. What kind of daughter doesn’t cry? How could I? They said it gets better, But when will my nightmares end? How long do I have to pretend I’m okay? I didn’t even get to say goodbye. It’s not like I wanted you at my wedding, Or to see my kids, The future I build for myself, But now that I know you’ll never have the chance to see those things, I wish you were still here. And I hate myself for it. How stupid of me, Missing someone so selfish. With time I’ll come to realize just how damaged you made me, Maybe then I’ll find some peace. Losing an absent father at sixteen, A type of grief nobody can tell me how to handle.

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