Obsession, Depression, Appearance, and Balance

from Tensegrity Vol 2: Balance in the era of covid-19

A Healer Stands

For many medical students, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought nothing but disorder, heartbreak, anxiety, and an overall feeling of uneasiness since its arrival in the Spring of 2020. Medical school is challenging enough, with its high levels of expectation from faculty to exams nearly every week. Stress essentially surrounds the medical student during his or her four years of training. To survive medical school, it takes dedication, persistence, hard work, but – most importantly – it takes balance. With the addition of the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on medical education, finding this balance in medical school is an undeniably daunting task. While I still have a way to go, my time spent at MSUCOM has been the nidus for me to change how I perceive myself, my career, and the world around me. In other words, medical school is helping me find balance, and the COVID-19 pandemic has provided me the time to reflect on how it has so.

Before beginning medical school, I had lost all balance in my life. Ever since I could remember, I wanted to be a professional athlete and play in the National Football League (NFL). When I was about thirteen, I started training every summer (and eventually winter and spring too) with professional football players themselves. As I started training with them – shedding sweat, tears, and blood – I realized very quickly that getting to the NFL was going to take an insane amount of hard work and perseverance.

What is harsh about the NFL, unfortunately, is that there are certain physical markers that an athlete must meet just to earn a chance at getting a workout with one of the thirty-two teams. I was big and strong…but never big enough, or strong enough, or fast enough to have gained that shot. Like so many other aspiring athletes, I didn't have the physical attributes needed to play on Sunday. It simply was not meant to be, no matter how hard I tried. This drive I had to prove myself otherwise had pushed me to a mental, physical, and emotional breaking point over time, losing my sense of balance. Instead of having joy in my center, my heart – hate, anger, and disgust began to take over.

Even though I was a heavier kid when I was younger, I was never 'morbidly obese' …just stocky, like a tree trunk. While this really helped me as an interior defensive lineman in high school and college, my drive to change my body – to make it 'NFL material'– made me feel disgusted with the way I looked. When I should have been accepting of my body for what it was, I overanalyzed every component of my physical self (thinking, would a high school…a college…a NFL coach be impressed by my physical condition?) This rage I felt inside towards my physical appearance slowly grew; I became obsessed with it.

Personally, I believe obsession can be a powerful tool in any one person’s pursuit towards self-achievement. Being able to refocus on a thought or ideal is essential while facing adversity, and the path towards success requires us as individuals to overcome difficulties. Challenges such as financial, physical, the COVID-19 pandemic, etc., are all-around us, regardless of the career- or life-paths we choose. Overcoming adversity is simply part of living a normal life. Where balance becomes important, however, is not letting adversity become the focal point of one’s obsession. My drive to work out and diet my way towards achieving an NFL body consumed me. Instead of pursuing the NFL for the love I had for football, I began pursuing the NFL for the fame and fortune it would provide. I focused on proving all the 'nay-sayers' – football personnel who never believed I could do it – wrong, instead of trying to enjoy the ride, proving myself and my supporters right.

After playing my last snap in 2017, the reality hit me that I had played my last snap forever. My body was physically beaten and broken down to the point where it felt like if I took one devastating hit, I would disintegrate and turn into dust. The reality finally set in that my body was not 'NFL material'; it was not good enough to cut it, even after a decade’s worth of training. Instead of taking a pause to celebrate all the good my body was able to provide me (i.e., a successful high school and college football career), I became obsessed with how to lose all of the weight and muscle I took years to achieve.

From November 2017 to May 2018 (one month before beginning medical school at MSUCOM), I exercised roughly three-hours every day and cut my daily caloric intake from 6300 calories to approximately 1600. I had lost over one-hundred pounds during that time span. Even though I physically felt rejuvenated, I was still unhappy with how I looked and who I was. Deep down, I could never shake the fact that I was in medical school and not on an NFL team somewhere. Although I struggled with suicidal ideation throughout high school and college, these thoughts intensified when I started medical school. I felt guilty for letting down my family and those who supported me during football. After one of my first exams in medical school, I found myself standing on the edge of a downtown Detroit building, ready to jump. Looking down at the patrons below, I finally realized that I needed to make a change with how I saw myself and the world around me. I needed to change how I wanted to live my life moving forward.

This battle with suicidality, body dysmorphic thoughts, and bulimic behaviorism haunted me for years. After stepping backwards from the balcony, I decided to seek counseling provided by MSUCOM faculty. Two years later, I am blessed to say that I have not had a suicidal thought or issue with my body appearance since. Balance does not mean that you should not work hard to achieve your dreams. Balance comes from an inner peace you find when your dreams and your reality begin to synchronize. I never found this synchronicity with football. My obsession with my body and the NFL began to deteriorate not only the relationship I had with myself, but the relationships I had with my loved ones, too. Nothing in this world is worth ending one’s life over; it simply is never the answer.

Balance, as I have learned to appreciate, is never letting any one thing become the only thing. Adversity will always exist: the COVID-19 pandemic is just another challenge. Medicine may be difficult, but anything that is meaningful requires hard work and dedication. However, do not allow medicine to be the only dedication one has. As medical students and professionals, we must continue to dedicate time towards the relationships we have with ourselves and our loved ones. That is the balance by which we ought to pursue and to live our lives.

Three Seasons, Pandemic

Spring, Isolation

Retreat within self: watch, bake, read, run, run, repeat. Clenched jaw and drawn blinds.

Spring, Uncertainty

Headlines: lungs failing. Birthdays passed in living room. Do you drink alone?

Summer, Unrest

Gasping for a change-

“I can’t breathe” rings through the night. Face masks flood the streets.

Summer, Guilt

In splashing waters, laughter and release held back by proximity.

Fall, Adrift

Rain muffles footsteps, six deer paw the path and starea moment shared. Gone.