My Internalized Male Gaze

If you look up the male gaze on Google, one of the first definitions you will come across defines it as “the act of depicting women and the world, in visual arts and in literature, from a masculine, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents women as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer.” The concept was first introduced by feminist film theorist Laura Mulvey, and since then the male gaze has dominated Hollywood and most forms of media for decades. Women have been depicted over and over as objects for sexual pleasure. Women will continuously be thrown into side roles by male directors and be filmed in ways that make them seem most desirable to the heterosexual, male audience. Because that’s all she’s there for, right? After all, she is just a side character, right? I’m sure if she were the lead it would be different? No. It’s always the same. Even if a woman is the main character of a show or movie she is still written and filmed with the male gaze in mind. Although this began as a theory pertaining specifically to media, it has stemmed much further than that. In fact, it has played a role in the way so many young girls view themselves in real life. Now, I could write for pages about all the different examples in film of the male gaze or how since the dawn of social media that has slowly been integrated, but I won’t. I want to talk about how the male gaze and this constant objectifying of women has affected me over my entire life. I want to talk about how I have subconsciously internalized the idea that women are sexual objects and should always appeal to the gaze of men around us. Let me start at the beginning, middle school. My elementary school only went up to grade six so I had to go to a different school for grades seven and eight. I started middle school with this innocence, having never had a phone, social media, or much exposure to

My the internet at all. I began forming my own identity, being able to wear the clothes I wanted, exploring the music I liked. I formed amazing friendships with Internalized people that are still important in my life. Overall, I had a positive experience that I am able to laugh and reminisce about to this day. But throughout all of this, there was this subtle change that I didn’t even Male Gaze realize was happening until years later. At some unidentified moment during Written by: middle school, I realized that other people are able to perceive me. I was Aura Parry no longer just focused on what was happening in front of me, but also on how I looked and what everyone was thinking of me. I gained the ability to feel self-conscious of how I looked to other people. This may not seem like a big deal because I’m human. All humans feel self-conscious, it’s a universal experience. It’s more than that, though, it’s about where it stemmed from and what it became. In those two years crushes and relationships became a huge part of me and my friends’ lives. There were always people gossiping about who liked who and who was dating who. It all stayed pretty innocent, but I found I was never one of the people involved in any of this. Of course there were small rumours, but there were no boys that ever showed an actual interest in me. This slowly started an internal dialogue within me. I would question myself and if I was good enough. Why did all my friends have boys like them back but no one ever liked me? I often would take this idea and remind myself that we went to a small school and of course there was never anyone I actually liked, so who really cares? It’s only now that I’m realizing how messed up these thoughts were for me to be having. I was still so young and already worrying about how attractive I was. Near the end of these two years, I was also really starting to find my personal style. I watched Youtube videos of girls around my age and they inspired me to move out of my comfort zone. I started frequenting the mall and Value Village straying away from the clothes my mom liked and finding what I actually liked. I with finding myself. I still continue to use my style as this outlet where I can be myself and not worry about what anyone else thinks.

“At some unidentified moment during middle school, I realized that other people are able to percieve me”

Moving into the next chapter, high school, I had a lot of my friend group still with me and I was ready for the change. In my first year, I made many new connections with people in my classes and focused hard on my work. Within this year was the first time I was approached by a man in public. On my way home from school, a man, probably in his mid 30s, came up to me and asked for my number. I was shocked but surprisingly not scared, still naive to all the harassment women face every day from men. I just simply replied with ‘no’ and thankfully he left me alone. Yet, that experience left me thinking. Not about why a man twice my age was approaching me for my phone number and how out of line and disgusting that is, but rather why was he interested in me based on what I was wearing? I remember telling my friends that night how weird it was that he approached me, considering I wasn’t wearing anything revealing, I was just in leggings and a hoodie. I had linked what a woman wears to the desire of men. I had this preconceived notion that in order to gain the interest of a man, I had to be wearing something sexier than what I had on at the time. After this experience, I continued to hear comments in passing, be catcalled, harassed, whistled at, honked at, and get pictures taken of me by men out in public. This all still continues to happen to me, but near the beginning I would subconsciously take note of what I was wearing to try and understand why I had sparked the interest of these men. I was unknowingly upholding this idea that I had to be hot to get the attention of a man, even if he was just some creep on the subway.

Although I seemed to be getting the unwanted attention of men in the street, I still wasn’t getting much from any boys in my life. By the time I was in grade ten I started to feel especially self-conscious that I hadn’t had any sort of relations with a boy. Like middle school, I began internalizing a lot of these feelings. My friends were starting to get boyfriends, why wasn’t I? It got to a point where I would act certain ways around boys in my life to seem as desirable as I could be. Eventually, my wishes came true and I began to peak the interest of some. But of course, this wasn’t enough. I constantly felt like I had to be sexier, prettier, more experienced, and desirable. I would compare my experiences to that of my friends and other girls around me and get worried about a thousand different things that were out of my control. If I wasn’t getting the attention of a boy it would shatter any self confidence I had built up. It was like I had done this complete 180° from wanting so badly to be desired, to literally relying on it to feel like I was enough. The male gaze had taken over my head and it had become a part of who I was. All of this does sound quite drastic, I admit, and of course most of it was deep in my head where I was hardly aware of it. But looking back and breaking it down that is exactThis lasted right through my grade eleven year until everything changed. Covid came around and there was a total shut down. That first lockdown was crucial for myself to think everything through. I had so much time on my hands that I was able to see who I had become and began to break down everything that had happened to me in the past year and really truly understand what I was feeling. I was still working through this when restrictions began to loosen and I was able to start seeing my friends again. For much of the past year, I have really only been able to see my close girl friends. I think this has definitely aided in my ongoing journey. Not feeling like I had to present myself as anything other than my authentic self was refreshing. I never felt like I had to be my most attractive. I no longer had this male presence in my life to dictate how I looked or acted. I used this time to shift my mindset surrounding social media, as well. I transformed my account from being this platform to present my prettiest self for my male followers to enjoy, into a place where I can post whatever I feel like. Of course, I still post pictures of myself but my mindset has changed. I feel attractive for myself, no one else, certainly not any men.

This may all sound stupid to you and like I’m being dramatic, but I’m not. Truly breaking down this internal monologue I had where I used men’s validation as a tool to feel good about myself has been a tough process. And I’m not even close to done. Everything that I’ve talked about also intertwines with my own view on myself and my body. Self love, feeling good within yourself and not relying on any other person in any way is a lifelong journey that every person should take. Most women, whether they are aware or not, have their own internalized male gaze simply because of the patriarchal society we have grown up in. I have just shared my story and struggles as a privileged white woman. I have lived my own set of experiences personal to me, but every woman’s experience is unique. It is important to remember that this is an intersectional issue. Women of colour endure this sort of thing along with so much more that I can’t even begin to understand. I am happy I was given the chance and was able to see what I had fallen victim to for so many years. My girlhood had become consumed with the idea that I would never be good enough unless a boy placed value on me. In reality, no actual one or two boys were dictating how I viewed or presented myself; it was all the internalized ideas I had subconsciously gained over my lifetime. Being able to take my worth into my own hands and not have it be determined by how desirable I am to any one man is incredibly refreshing. “The male gaze had taken over my head and it had become a part of who I was.”

“I feel attractive for myself, no one else, certainly not any men.” “My girlhood had become consumed with the idea that I would never be good enough.” unless a boy placed value on me.” 22