Mirrored Lives of Change : From Girls Leading Change To Champion Teachers

Mirrored Lives of

Change From Girls Leading Change To Champion Teachers

Mirrored Lives of Change From Girls Leading Change to Champion Teachers

Dedicated to Bongi Mhambi 1994–2022

1

Copyright (2024). Nelson Mandela University All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles, reviews, and academic publications.

For information, contact Naydene naydene.delange@mandela.ac.za

de

Lange

at

ISBN: 978-1-0370-2304-0 Published and printed by: Nelson Mandela University Special contributors: Cover design: Avivit Cherrington Layout design: Avivit Cherrington Language editor: Moira Richards Cover background photo by Sneha Cecil on Unsplash Acknowledgement of funders: Nelson Mandela University Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (McGill University, Canada) International Development Research Centre (University of KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa)

2

Table of Contents

The Beginning, the End, and in Between ............................... 4 Faith and Hope in Me: Asisipho Mntonga ........................... 11 Rebirth: Elethu Ntsethe ...................................................... 25 Transformed: Sandisiwe Gaiza ............................................ 37 The Path to Wholeness—a Healing Journey and Authenticity: Wandiswa Momoza ............................................................ 47 Making Me: Takatso Mohlomi ............................................ 57 Writing a Different Narrative: Bongiwe Maome-Dikana ...... 68 Rediscovering Me: Melissa Lufele ....................................... 75 What It Means To Be “Me”: Zethu Jiyana............................ 90 I Am Beyond My Expectations: Zikhona Tshiwula................ 99 And I Became Me: Thina Kamnqa ..................................... 107

3

The Beginning, the End, and in Between Our story with these fourteen young women began in 2013, when we recruited them as girls into our project — Networks for Change and Well-Being: Girl-Led “From the Ground up” Policy Making to Address Sexual Violence

in

Canada

and

South

Africa

(https://www.mcgill.ca/dise/research/facultyresearchproj ects/girls4change) — as first-year teacher education students at a South African urban university. We recruited rural-origin women students in their first year of study and asked them two broad questions: “What was it like growing up as a girl in the rural areas of South Africa?” and “How do you experience and negotiate life and safety as rural-origin first-year teacher education students at an urban university?” Our work with them was participatory and visual in nature, and involved methods such as drawing, collage, photovoice, and cellphilming to cocreate knowledge and identify solutions about women’s safety on and around campus. Throughout data generation, we thought about making the voices of these

4

young women accessible to other young people in rural areas. And, to do this, we facilitated a series of writing workshops to enable them to tell their own stories about their lives.

Their first book was entitled Fourteen Times a Woman: Indigenous Stories from the Heart (Girls Leading Change, 2016). As the work in the project continued and we began seeing change in their thinking, for example, about the need for a shift away from being a submissive African girl and woman, we facilitated the writing of a second book, “Hamba Thobekile”: Rewriting the Narrative of Young Indigenous African Women in Times of Gendered Violence (Girls Leading Change, 2018).

When they began to graduate, we were gratified to see most of them returning to rural schools to teach. As young teachers teaching schoolgirls in mostly rural schools, they began thinking about approaching their teaching differently to the way they were taught, bringing in more conversations around gender and using more participatory approaches in their classrooms. We then facilitated their third book, Dear Nosizwe: Conversations About Gender 5

Inclusive Teaching in Schools (Girls Leading Change, 2019), which they wrote because they felt other teachers needed to know how they were teaching girls in their classes.

In 2019, we received a Ford Foundation Grant for a project—Girls’ Clubs: Building the Capacity of Girls to Address Gender Inequality and GBV in and Around Their Schools and Communities. We again recruited the same young women, now young teachers mostly in rural schools but some in low-income township schools in the Eastern Cape, South Africa, to be what we have come to know as Champion Teachers. As we approached a decade of working with the girls, now young women in 2023, we wondered how they saw themselves and how they might have changed over the years and wanted to generate knowledge in this regard. We facilitated a writing workshop, with follow-up drafting and editing of this fourth book: Mirrored Lives of Change: From Girls Leading Change to Champion Teachers (Girls Leading Change, 2024).

6

The stories in Mirrored Lives of Change were developed at a weekend writing workshop held in 2023 in Gqeberha (previously, Port Elizabeth) in South Africa. We asked the group of young women teachers (now ten years older than when we first met them in 2013) to read and reflect on the story each of them had written in 2013. They then had to reflect on their current selves and identify pivotal moments that changed how they saw themselves as young women and teachers and how they lived their lives in their school and community. Each pivotal moment was then to be developed into a little story, concluding with the kind of African woman they wanted to be. Ten of the fourteen young women wrote their stories contained in this book.

Who might the readers of such a book be? In conversation between Naydene and a young colleague who works in the Media Lab in the Faculty of Education at Nelson Mandela University about the value the first book, Fourteen Times a Woman: Indigenous Stories from the Heart had for her, the latter had the following to say: In my university life as a first-year student, in fact, all my educational journey until graduation, I experienced 7

a lot of different and difficult challenges. I had a mother who was single, divorced and financially unstable, having to feed and school four children. I had days where I had nothing to eat and no basic toiletries—like, no soap, Vaseline, toothpaste, roll-on and sanitary towels. To improvise when my period came, I had to use a Checkers plastic bag and wrap it with one of my panties—it was that kind of struggle.

As a result of this, I had no clue where I was going and where I needed to go in terms of my studies. My mother was a divorced woman with four children depending on her little wages. So, when I saw this book with young adult female students, I saw my story being told, my struggles narrated by many students in the book who looked like me. The book, when I read it, made me appreciate my journey and it opened my eyes to the realties, to the grace that I am offered by the Power bigger than me. This is the main reason I recommend this book to these students who look like me, who resemble my kind of student journey.

(Nozuko Rhayi, 2023)

8

We believe that this book too, will enable reflexivity and appreciation of these young women’s lives, and those of all the women who not only struggle but also triumph, like these young women teachers who tell their stories in Mirrored Lives of Change.

Naydene de Lange Relebohile Moletsane

9

10

Asisipho Mntonga

Power of When I Remember . . . looking back pain and anger of losing societal norms, religion and culture

power imbalance financial difficulties better version of me hope for better days

11

Faith and Hope in Me Reflecting upon my story I wrote ten years ago was like going back in time; time was turned backward only for a while. I was thinking of how it felt being a young girl growing up in the dusty streets of Ntabankulu village.

Thinking back got me to wonder how on earth I survived and became the woman I am today.

Reading my story in Fourteen Times a Woman, made me grateful for the platform of Girls Leading Change I found.

Looking back at what I went through, my childhood experiences seemed to have had a big impact on how I view the world today. I am thankful for those phases of my life; they have made me strong, weak, bold—and have helped me to find a better version of myself. The experiences I have had come from different encounters I have had with people, places and things—and have shaped my way of viewing life in general. The stories I have written are a light of hope, but I never realised it back then, because I was still in the process of finding my purpose, finding my true self in this vast and wild world.

12

I shared my childhood experiences of how I grew up as a young African girl in a rural area, how difficult it was to be raised by a single mother who so many times struggled to meet all our needs and her own needs. Back then, I used to think my mother and my siblings hated me, but I only now realise that we could not relate to each other, nor did we have a proper good way of being there for each other.

I also realise that we were all broken from our father’s long illness and his sudden death. Our grief was infused with a lot of emotions influenced by our culture, religion and societal norms. We had to be strong and be alright because death was just a passage to after-life (according to Christianity), and it was a win-win situation for our ancestors (in terms of our culture), and life had to go on as if it was simple to do so. We were expected to quickly move on and deal with life as normally as possible.

Growing up with four siblings and a single mother was a challenge on its own. We were all in pain and anger at losing our beloved father who was also the breadwinner and anchor of the family. Things changed from the moment my father was no more, and my mother had to fill 13

the gap my father left. My mother had to be the man of the house, prepare for us a bright future with the little that my father left us. She had to act tough and be strong without the support of anyone. I only realise now that she had too much to carry on her own—she was always angry, she was always shouting and cursing us, and I thought she did not love us as her children. I only now realise that she loved us, but her actions were negatively rooted in how she was raised as a child and therefore she thought how she was raising us was right at the time.

Of course, I don’t blame her anymore because I now realise that she was doing the best she could do. My mother was going through much as a young widow still in her early thirties. She was bitter, her bitterness caused by anger and frustrations.

Years later, we all made her proud and became graduates and we are still grateful for her good teachings, and we also laugh with her about all those hard days and the bitter 14

words she used to say. But we can sit down now as adults and tell her that she did not have to act that strong and so harsh towards us.

I also realised that at home we experienced financial difficulties, we were struggling, and the church and neighbours played a major role in our lives. I remember Christmas at home—we did not have delicious meals as other families in our neighbourhood, but we were invited by neighbours. School needs were not met, and everything was a struggle. Despite all those difficulties we went through as a family, I am thankful that I had a backbone, I had hope of a better life, even though I could not know at that time, but I always hoped for better days. I never thought of having a boyfriend, smoking, or drinking. I focused on my books and studied very hard to achieve good results in every grade. I was so determined to get out of poverty.

The sad reality is that we live in a world that is uneven, life itself is not level or equal, and nature itself is uneven.

Gender inequality emanates from a lot of things—one of them is how we grow up. There are concepts and ideas 15

introduced to us based on the stereotypic view of how men and women should look and what is expected of them. We are created differently but what becomes a problem is when a person uses gender stereotypic views to benefit from the issue at hand or to make others feel bad.

In my story, I link it with how we were at home. A home without a father figure was not good enough; gender inequality is deeply rooted, with power imbalances based on the man having too much control over everything.

Religion and culture, societal norms, lack of love and compassion in us play a major role in doing negative things. So, it also comes with expectations of how women and men are supposed to be—and how women alone cannot lead homes successfully. That is what my mother was dealing with every day—being asked how she was able to make it without a man (my father). There was gossiping in the village that she had sold everything my father had left and that she was also doing “backdoor” duties. All the things they said about us behind our backs made us stronger and we worked harder than before. Our mother taught us how to appreciate little things we had, 16

and how not to depend on anyone for anything. My mother managed to raise us alone with the little she had, and some family members came to her and apologised; other people from the community now ask her for advice.

In reflecting, I noted three pivotal moments in my life: one, being a rural girl coming to a big city to study at university; two, depression in my fourth year; and three, going to the USA. Growing up in Ntabankulu village is where my dreams for a better future started. I finished high school and enrolled at Nelson Mandela University as a teacher education student majoring in Accounting and Economics. I faced challenges being the only young African girl in the firstyear Accounting class. I also faced language barriers as I was an isiXhosa first-language speaker, and the classes were offered in English. My first year was difficult and I had to adapt very quickly with no guidance; I had to look for things and ask people. It was difficult to adapt, struggling with low-self-esteem issues. I hoped that things would work out as time went on.

17

There was an opportunity to join a research project at university. That was the beginning of my independence and freedom. By joining the project, I met other girls, and we became known as the Girls Leading Change. I was introduced to the soft life; it was my first time staying at a hotel. I had no idea what to order, everything was expensive, and I was afraid to order without any money. I did not trust anyone. I was so afraid, coming from the rural areas, to be invited to a hotel by two professors who were the research project leaders, Prof Lebo and Prof Naydene.

Prof Naydene is a White woman and so it was scary because I thought I was going to be asked to pay back the money for the food I ordered—which I did not have!

At the back of my mind, I thought of what my mother taught me. She warned me that I should never agree to go out with friends or people if I do not have money. But on the other hand, as I was very scared, I also thought of where I came from. White people in my village were known to be the shop-owners, doctors, and there was no White man who smiles, sits, and converses with Black people. My mother used to work in a hotel owned by a 18

White man who bullied my mother and other Black workers. When it was time for my mother and other workers to be paid, hot pots from the stove, glasses, and boiling water would be thrown at them! They had to run away from what was thrown at them. My mother would come back with no money or no food to eat, and so church members would donate some food to us to eat at home.

This continued for years, and no one could do anything about it. My father was sick, and the illness took its toll on my family. My mother could not work anymore as she had to take care of my father. This meant that we did not have money to buy things. One day, the owner of the hotel came and gave my mom her salary and gifted her a Bible.

We were all surprised because we knew the things he had done to our mother. At that young age, we feared White people. In our rural area, we knew that when you take money from a White man, you must work for it and when you return the money, you must kneel.

Being in a hotel for first time and sharing the table with a White person was a shock and I was so scared to order from the menu. I was scared to eat in front of everyone— 19

at that time, I also had never shared a meal at a table. It was like everyone was looking at me, I was so uncomfortable. I was relieved when Prof Lebo said we could ask for a take-away if we could not finish the food and I was the first one to ask for take-away.

I am glad that I agreed to be part of Girls Leading Change and I rose to the occasion. I took the opportunity, and what kept me interested was the fact we were all classmates from the university and that we came from rural areas. It was how we started working together and new relationships and a sisterhood were established.

As the years progressed and I was doing my fourth year, depression kicked in. I tried to kill myself because I hated myself because of how I felt, and could not keep up with studies, and church folks were making it worse for me. It was difficult to explain to my family what depression is, and why I had it. In African culture, depression is 20

something seen as a taboo and viewed as a demon possessing a person; a normal person cannot have that. A near-death experience brought me to be more openminded, to forgive myself, and to love myself even more.

The support from my sisters in the Girls Leading Change was amazing, and they helped me to deal with life; my friends and family supported me. I was fortunate that I could continue with my studies as I still had a Funza Lushaka bursary, a bursary provided by the Department of Basic Education to teacher education students. I completed my studies and graduated.

The third nodal moment was going to the United States of America and flying for the first time. I remember I was at a point where I wanted to quit; I wanted to give up and drop out of university. Going to America literally saved my life and made me realise that there is more to life than giving up. This gave me courage to be strong and live life to the fullest. I was the first one in my family to travel by airplane. I learnt so much about America at St. Cloud State University—about its culture, public schools, and its systems, and compared it to what we have in South Africa.

21

Exploring another part of the world, experiencing cultural shocks, was a good learning curve that shaped the person I am today. I am now a teacher with so much to offer to the younger generation as I grow older, and to take my own stories of life and share them.

Becoming the kind of African woman I want to be Life on its own is an adventure and a journey we all want to embark on, and we all strive to be in it till the end of time. As I lived through the experiences, good and bad, I can fully say they were all part of the process of shaping the kind of woman I have become and still am becoming.

I have responsibility and choice to do good and to learn from the best. I want to be a devoted human being (citizen) regardless of gender, race, age, culture or religion and I want to be an inspiration to the younger generation and become a glimmer of hope for them. Becoming a devoted human being comes with great responsibility and involves doing things I do not necessarily like— embracing change and being able to adapt to change.

Becoming a devoted person comes from understanding yourself as a person, which enables you to understand 22

others better too. I also want to help in the community— to have women centres where everyone could be involved and speak about matters of the heart or issues they are dealing with. I also want to help with the school curricula to introduce educational programmes that will benefit young African women and men. Young African girls must be number one priority. I would like to become the woman who believes in development—economically and in all spheres of life.

Women’s empowerment starts within. As I am empowered to become a better person, I will also encourage others to become better. I believe that they are enough for who they are and that they can do everything they want to.

As a teacher, my role is not only in the classroom setting but also to facilitate life experiences and to help and to support learners. As I grow older, I become wiser, and more willing to make more mistakes because it’s how life 23

is sometimes. The success and rewards of good things are not only for me but for all of us. So, as I go further, make more progress in my life, I make it a point to call others too; as John Kani said, When you use the lift, please press the ground floor button for the others too. (MacGee’s Podcast Channel, YouTube)

2013 Asisipho was born on 27 April 1994 and grew up in Ntabankulu, a small village in the Eastern

Cape, with her mother and four siblings.

She now lives in Gqeberha, a city in the Eastern Cape, and teaches Accounting at a senior secondary school.

2023

24

Elethu Ntsethe

I remember how it was To write . . .

To speak . . . and To express The woman I was.

She had a dream Too many dreams And she kept the light

Kept the light focused.

She created her own path A path full of plans, actions, failures and successes Her passion changed . . .

Changed as she learnt . . .

As she learnt to freely express, To freely express her fears.

25

Rebirth I remember it all. I remember how it was. I remember how it felt. I remember. I remember the pressure, the fear and how I could have lost myself if it wasn’t for the launch of the Girls Leading Change project, where we were given a platform to write, to speak and to express the things that had been burning inside me.

Looking back, I am proud of my younger self for not giving up and settling for less. I have realised that progress cannot be put on a straight line. Progress is made of small steps, lifting a foot and just going a step higher than the previous day. Sticking to the vision and goal is what keeps us going. To my younger self—I am proud of the woman I was. As young as she was, she never allowed her family background and life circumstances to determine how far she would go in life. She had a dream—too many dreams—and she kept the light focused on where she was going. She had no well-constructed and established path to walk. All she had was the determination to keep going—and she did. She created her own path, a path that is full of plans, actions, failures and successes.

26

She was a young girl, bound by gendered roles, scared to speak, break society’s expectations of her, and be a disappointment. However, her path wanted her to break those expectations, and she did. I must say, she had it hard.

Every single plan changed and not so many people were happy with how she had courage to express herself. She kept getting closer regardless of how the society viewed her because she was and is a bastard. Being raised by a single mother is something that the society viewed as a weakness, not knowing that the mother’s strength and wisdom pours upon her children daily. A single mother’s daily life is filled with strength, determination, courage, purpose and wisdom. My mother—I remember how she would go from morning till late afternoon cutting grass during the cold, windy winter days so she could sell it to homes that needed thatching grass. She endured the cold waters of Mthentshwana River doing laundry for all the homes that needed help. She did not have it easy, but she kept going because her goal was to provide for us—her three beautiful children. She did it all, on her own, because she is a mother, and mothers go above and beyond to provide for their children to ensure that they are well taken 27

care of. She raised strong and beautiful children. She raised me, the young girl who knew that she had everything she needed to succeed in life because she had the support of her mother. The way that young girl grew into a young woman is amazing. Her passion changed as she learnt and reshaped her goals. It’s amazing how her interests, passion and experiences shape the global interest of women.

Today, more than ever, our society needs the truth of women. The world needs the wisdom of women, young and old, to tell their stories about what they know to be true—the true life of a woman, from a woman’s view.

The world needs the rawness and nakedness of our experiences where we freely express our vulnerability, fears, goals, visions, strengths. We need to put trust in ourselves as young women, come together to share our wisdoms and take up spaces that previously belonged to the other.

28

I always had dreams, dreams that seemed too big for a rural girl, born to a single mother without a stable source of income. When I got admission to Nelson Mandela University, my mother was working as an Early Childhood

Development

practitioner.

She

would

sometimes go for months without getting paid. My first year at university was a struggle because my mom lost her stepsister, who had been her support system. I knew that meant financial distress for her and that I had to drop out.

Through it all, she encouraged me to stay at the university and continue studying—and I did. She got support from my father and mostly from my stepbrother, to whom I will forever be grateful for the support they gave. He believed in my abilities and ensured that my educational needs were taken care of. I knew I needed to obtain good grades so that I could get a bursary the following year. Being far away from home, I had to find myself and learn to be independent. I felt lost, fearful, distressed, but also with courage, will, and determination. Through it all, I held my head high because I needed to rewrite my life’s story. I needed a much brighter chapter; I needed a turn of tables.

The introduction of the Girls Leading Change project into 29

my university life brought so much hope for the girl I was.

It made me see things differently. It gave me a platform to feel, express, write and present. It took me back to my junior years when I represented the school in different competitions. It was a restoration of the strong, determined and goal-oriented girl. I regained my voice— a voice to speak about gender issues and share my experiences from a woman’s eye. I developed a sense of agency. Through this project, I flew in an aeroplane for the very first time in my life. Through this project, I gained more recognition from the community and have since been more motivated to reach my dreams.

Going to the United States of America in 2016 was the most memorable thing to ever happen in my life.

Everyone from back home now had interest in what I had done to get to America. They all kept asking: “How serious is this thing of yours?” That was my opportunity to present our work, even to the people who initially did not have the interest to listen. I presented both formally and informally with so much determination and confidence. At that moment, I truly believed that 30

education is the key to success. Who would have thought?

Not even in my wildest dreams had I ever dreamt of going to America to represent myself, my rural community, my town, my faculty, my university and the whole country. I learnt that nothing is impossible. From that moment, I knew that I was—me—a role model. A role model for the young girls and boys in my community who were from the very same background as mine. To this day, people from my community still introduce me as “the girl who went to America” when we meet people they know. I might not have realised the impact it had back then, however, seeing young girls and boys coming up to me to ask, “Sisi, how did you go to America?” It warms my heart, and I feel so much gratitude. The enthusiasm and excitement in their voices as they ask questions is a sweet melody to my soul. It is exactly how I would have felt had I met someone who had been to America as a young girl.

When I started working as a teacher on 12 February 2018, I was met with the challenges of the working environment. I started a new chapter, an introductory chapter to adulthood. I worked at a small school in the 31

rural areas of Lusikisiki. The place had its own challenges, which included high crime and gender-based violence. As a young woman from a different place, I lived in so much fear. I did not socialise and became an indoor person. It was traumatic, with people stealing clothes from the washing line to people being raped and killed right next to where I stayed. It was unfavourable and distressing. I was forced to hold back for my own safety. The school also, was not the happiest place to be. It had its own challenges.

My whole working experience was that of a very depressed teacher. I remember this specific day like it was yesterday, when the manager called me “a stress in her life” simply because I refused to give up my teaching subjects to accommodate a school governing bodyemployed teacher. According to her, expressing myself was disrespectful and I had to give up my majors because the other teacher was not “comfortable” with the subjects he was allocated. I remember it like it was yesterday—26 January 2022. From that day, I knew I had to start looking for a job again. I knew I had to leave the school. I was unhappy and would only be happy when I was in class— teaching. I would sometimes lose it right in the middle of 32

a lesson and cry because being in that school was disheartening. I sank slowly into depression. I hated going to work and would miss work on purpose because staying away seemed to be the only way out. Regardless of my experiences at work, I kept the mask of a good teacher on—for the sake of the learners—because they needed a better version of me. They needed the me who had walked through those gates in 2018. As a result, I became too many characters all in one working day. Everyone got the me they deserved. Being in that environment was sickening and held me back from reaching my dreams. I felt demotivated, frustrated, and hopeless. My dreams for a better version of myself kept fading as time went by working at the school until just going to work was all that I did. I just tried to survive each day. This kept on until I came across my journal that I wrote when I went on a visit to the University of Victoria in Canada.

Going through the journal made me realise that I cannot be defeated. I cannot allow my working environment to shape the teacher and the woman that I become. I cannot let one part of my life rule over my life. I have given 33

myself time to go through it all. I needed to get through it.

As painful as it was, I consulted with the little girl who lives inside me.

The little girl who started out curious, brave, determined, full of dreams, goal oriented, I asked her, what does she need? She was quiet for some time because she had now grown into a woman. She was now a mother, an aunt, a partner, a teacher, a Champion Teacher and so much more. She needed time to figure out the woman she wanted to put out there. She wanted to put out a true African woman, true to her scars and roots.

She needed to forgive herself for the times when she did not choose herself. With this, I realised that there is a thin line between becoming the worst version of myself and the best version of myself. My journey stems from unbecoming to become. There are parts of my life that I needed to let go. I needed a true healing. Healing from all 34

the trauma, distress and anxiety that had once clouded my life. I needed to let go of the fears that became an obstacle on my way. My eyes will dry, and I will see clearly again, lifting the fog on my path to get a clearer vision of where I am going. Letting go of certain parts that have sent the brave little girl to sleep will help me to become the best version of myself. I now know and understand that everything that happens around me contributes to who I become. I choose to focus all my energy, dedication and time on the positives. I cannot let anyone, or anything tell me my limits and who I should become. I am everything that I tell myself to be, and my actions must take me there.

I will never sell myself short. I will reach for the dreams and aspirations I once had to better myself. I choose to rewrite my story, to become a strong African woman. I want to be a lighthouse in the fog and a rock in the middle of the sea. I want to create a path that will not only be for myself but will serve as a path for generations to follow. I want to be the best teacher so that even if I disappear for a moment, it will be noticeable. I want to be brave and independent according to my views. I might appear gentle and fragile briefly; however, I have been made to be solid 35

as steel by the scars that I wear ever so beautifully each day. I am no ordinary woman; I am a reborn warrior with a heart of gold. I will soar to new heights, thriving and growing as I adapt to my life’s conditions and adjusting where there is a necessity. I choose to create my unique path, to always be strong and be ever so beautifully free.

Free of what the society expects of me. Free of what doesn’t help me to grow.

2013

Elethu was born on 19 September 1995 at St Patrick’s Hospital in Bizana, Eastern Cape.

She teaches Mathematics and Natural Sciences at a primary school in Bizana, a small rural town in the

Eastern Cape.

2023 36

Sandisiwe Gaiza

Worthless, worthless People frightened by their past We are seen not heard Transformation Forefront of social change Personal growth Empowered Qhawe!* *isiXhosa word meaning “hero”

37

Transformed My story starts in the big township of Motherwell, Gqeberha. I was born into poverty and marginalisation.

Despite the challenges we faced, my mother instilled in me a strong sense of determination and the importance of education. This eventually led me to pursue a degree in Teacher Education, where I met the Girls Leading Change and learned about the dynamics of power and privilege, gender and sexuality. Through my studies, I gained a deeper understanding of the issues facing women and marginalised groups in my country. I became passionate about issues of gender equality and sexual identity, and I dedicated myself to advocating for the rights of marginalised groups. A decade later, this is my story.

Living vicariously through Qhawe The name Qhawe is customarily given to boy children and means “hero” in isiXhosa. In so many ways, my daughter came into my life and like a true hero, saved me from

38

things I did not know I needed saving from—often saving me from myself.

My Qhawe, In the past decade, you have been the biggest change and catalyst for many other changes that have culminated in moulding me into the woman I am today.

A big part of how I have chosen to raise my child is directly influenced by my own upbringing and the desire to do better. I have chosen to share life with my partner and father of my child under one roof because I want to give her the one thing I never had—a two-parent home.

Though this does not take away the void I felt as a child, I rest easy knowing that of all the traumas I may pass down to her, “daddy issues” is not one of them.

Know where you come from, so that you can know where you are headed. Being a Black woman in South Africa means I must work twice as hard as my White counterpart to get out of the poverty and create a life worth living.

39

I was raised by a single woman in the townships of Gqeberha—congested, poverty-stricken with little to no progression. Young women from where I come from fall pregnant as teenagers, drop out of school, experience gender-based violence at the hands of their lovers and as if it is predestined, they end up abusing alcohol or dying because of gender-based violence. My mother worked tirelessly to simply keep us alive. She tried her best to give me a better life so that I might escape poverty. Soon, I recognised that education was my only way out and my mind was set to do better.

“With Jesus in the vessel, you can smile at the storm” is a quote that kept me going when my schooling journey felt like an impossible feat. My academic struggles were exacerbated by a curriculum that does not support learners who do not learn the “traditional way.” My hunger for a better life kept me going and I soon made it through. I stand firm and proud that I was able to not only graduate on time and go on to do my Honours in Education but, through my persistence and perseverance in education, I have been able to improve my family’s life. For me, 40

education truly is the most powerful weapon that can be used to change a nation.

A decade later, my horizons have broadened beyond imagination. A girl once hungry for change and transformation is now a young woman at the forefront of social change, gender activism and addressing genderbased violence.

It took me a very long time to discover myself in a way that I can express myself, my thoughts and vision. Most people are frightened by their past, trying to escape it.

I have discovered that the more I tap into it, the better I understand myself.

A 19-year-old me used to feel worthless and not good enough. A lot of times I was scared to open, I had fears of being rejected because we live in a society where imbalances of gender have been made a norm. Looking at myself in the mirror, I was longing for liberation— liberation from cultural norms and standards. For many 41

years, the dominant gender has been men while women were the dominated. This was mostly because men earned the money and women looked after the house and children.

Today, I am saying sorry to myself. I am saying sorry for not always believing in me.

If you educate a man, you educate an individual. But if you educate a woman, you educate a nation. When girls are educated, their countries become stronger and more prosperous. (African proverb) When I was doing my first year at Nelson Mandela University, I joined a project called Networks for Change and Well-Being: Girl-Led “From the Ground up” Policy Making to Address Sexual Violence in Canada and South Africa—a project that has taught me a lot. I am grateful for this project, which allowed me to be naked, free, vulnerable, and be comfortable with myself. Thank you to Prof Naydene and Prof Moletsane for providing a safe space for me to do so. I have also learnt a lot about gender and sexual violence. Being part of this project has helped me.

42

Through my years at the Nelson Mandela University, one significant moment that stood out for me was when I went to the United States of America in 2016. A huge thank you and gratitude to Prof Mumbi Mwangi for inviting us. That on its own was a life changing opportunity. This is where I learnt a lot more about gender-based violence and the LGBTQI+ community. Attending gender and women’s studies classes and listening to those presentations broadened my way of thinking and doing things. I am not afraid to say I used to think gender identity was a choice, not something you are born with. I used to think it was demonic.

Those presentations did not only help me but also shaped me to be able to educate my mother and my learners about gender identity.

I chose to pursue a career in teaching because I firmly believe that I can do my part by positively impacting young people, changing the narrative and ultimately empowering young Black girls to advocate for themselves. St. Cloud State University had a Women’s Centre, a safe space for women to talk about everything. I

43

liked this idea and told myself I would do something like this for the learners I will be teaching.

Learning about gender inequality and sexual violence has shifted my perspective and propelled my personal growth.

Being a Girl Leading Change has empowered me to take a stand against injustice. As a young Black girl from the townships of the Eastern Cape, where young girls are to be seen and not heard, being educated on these issues has brought me awareness of the importance of consent, respect and equality in all aspects of life.

After graduating in 2017, I headed forth to pursue my Honours and now more than ever wish to work towards my master’s in Gender Studies to further the fight and break the glass ceiling. I started a Girls’ Club at Cebelihle Primary School, fuelled by the knowledge gained through being a part of this project. Being involved in a further project called Champion Teachers helped me to help others in my Girls’ Club. I had the burning desire to be an advocate for change and to support survivors of sexual violence. The Girls’ Club aims to provide a safe space where young people can freely speak on the issues of 44

everyday life in their communities, have guided constructive discussions on topics that would otherwise be considered taboo, and learn from the varied ideologies and viewpoints of others. The mandate here is to allow children an opportunity to be fully themselves, irrespective of sexual identity or gender classification.

Overall, being educated about gender inequality and sexual violence has played a role in shaping my beliefs, actions and commitment to creating an inclusive and safe society for all.

A pivotal moment was when I became co-author of the book Fourteen Times a Woman: Indigenous Stories from the Heart (Girls Leading Change, 2016). Reflecting on what I have learnt about myself as a writer is that it is okay to be aware of my weaknesses and use the necessary tools to support and strengthen them. It was good for me to step outside of my comfort zone and experiment with new genres, letting my writing take me on an emotional journey, and letting my emotions lead me to writing myself into a new journey.

45

I want to be an African woman who challenges the status quo, a woman who can say NO, an agent for change, to stand for what is right and mostly, to be a teacher who understands when learners come to me with problems. I want to be a teacher who is not judgmental but provides solutions and opportunities for learners.

I have come a long way from where I started, and I am proud of the person I have become. I have overcome many obstacles and gained a valuable education. But most importantly, I have learned that transformation is possible—both on a personal level and in society. My hope is that my story will inspire others to work towards social change and to create a more just and equal world. I may have been born into a life of poverty and marginalisation, but I am a transformed woman with a mission to improve the lives of those around me.

2013

Sandisiwe was born on 2 March 1995 in Motherwell township in Gqeberha.

Sandisiwe teaches Natural Sciences to Grade 6 and 7 learners at a primary school

in Gqeberha, Eastern Cape.

2023

46

Wandiswa Momoza

Wholeness Fear!

Trauma!

Not my identity.

But self-love, confidence, forgiveness, and healing pave a way to self-discovery.

47

The Path to Wholeness - a Healing Journey and Authenticity Reflecting on my life story written ten years ago, I see a girl whose confidence and self-awareness were shattered by her past experiences. I see an anxious and vulnerable young girl who is shaken and afraid to speak up, not realising that past events do not define her identity.

I was not conscious of how these past events had a negative influence on my behaviour and on how I viewed myself. The trauma that I had experienced seven years before I wrote my first story was still haunting me without me being mindful of it. I never understood how bullying can taint its victim's feelings, confidence, and perspective on life—especially when they are bullied by the opposite sex, creating feelings of fear which could negatively impact their perspective on life.

I noticed that the bully felt powerful and that his victims were mostly females. I then realised that gender inequality can be influenced by how young men are raised in our society—to have a mentality that being masculine gives 48

one power over the opposite sex and that women can be seen as weak and vulnerable, and do not have enough courage to fight back. I believe the quote that says, “hurt people do hurtful things” because some people might want to cover their pain and struggles by hurting others. I learned that forgiveness sets one free from bitterness and all the hurt they've been through. One must heal, and healing is a journey that starts from a decision to forgive.

I came to an understanding that the reason for the bully’s behaviour stemmed from his background. He was young, and he had his issues, but he had no right to bully others at school because of his issues. Some people tend to behave negatively because of an underlying problem that they have not dealt with. Nevertheless, I decided to move on and truly live my life.

Joining Girls Leading Change in 2013 made my experience a lot better as a first-year teacher education student at Nelson Mandela University. I got to learn how to be an activist for women against gender-based violence. Before joining the group, it never dawned on me how important it is to be a voice and become an activist 49

or an agent of change in the community where we live and in the university. A community where we would see or have experiences that are uncomfortable to women, things that we find difficult to talk or complain about—like some security personnel who would sleep while on duty on campus, date rape, men touching girls without asking for permission first. We would hear or see these things happening around the campus, but we did not see a platform where these issues could be addressed. I was never exposed to such experiences before because I spent my high school years living in a boarding school, which was dominated by females. Male students were not allowed to reside inside the school, so we felt safe most of the time.

Girls Leading Change became my safe space, and everyone would share their concerns and experiences in the group meetings. We shared our fears and feelings of unsafety around the campus. I became aware of what gender-based violence is, and its negative impact on women.

50

Let’s take it back to 2015 when we travelled to Cape Town as a Girls Leading Change group to apply for American visas. It was an exciting trip for me because I was travelling to Cape Town for the first time. I remember we made our first stop at Tsitsikamma because we needed to use the restroom and buy some snacks for the long trip ahead of us. We enjoyed looking at the beautiful sea views as we passed George, Knysna, Mossel Bay, and other towns along the route. My heart was beaming with joy and anticipation knowing that the following year we were going to cross the ocean to America—I mean, who would have thought? Never had I imagined this in my entire life.

The whole experience felt surreal, and that was a pivotal moment for me.

Finally, the day arrived for us to embark on an approximately 21-hour journey to the United States of America, landing in Minneapolis in Minnesota. The American experience was awesome. We attended academic workshops and went to the zoo, church, Mall of America, and so on. We got to meet great people at the university. I remember Dr Mumbi Mwangi, who would 51

invite us to her house, and she even mentioned that we should come back to do our master’s degree at St. Cloud State University, once we’d finished our undergraduate and honours degrees. I never forgot her words. After the trip, I knew that I would further my studies when I finished my undergraduate degree at Nelson Mandela University.

When I lost my academic transcript and certificate at the venue where I graduated with my BEd Honours degree at the University of Pretoria, I told myself that I needed to apply for a master’s degree as soon as possible. I am grateful that I was able to obtain another academic transcript and certificate from the university, and I’m thankful that my sisters Nyameka and Ncebakazi were by my side when the whole incident happened.

By the end of 2021, I enrolled for a Master of Arts in Leadership in Education, which I commenced with in January 2022. I must say, studying whilst working has been challenging as I must juggle between the two.

Working far from where I live, having to travel for an hour and a half to and from work every day is exhausting, and 52

teaching overcrowded classes where one must manage the whole group has been challenging, which makes it difficult for me to focus on both academics and work.

However, having support from people around me, especially my mother, has made the journey possible and I am grateful for that. It gives me the courage to push beyond the challenges I face every day, and I am looking forward to completing the course. Perhaps I will one day write another story about enrolling for a doctorate—who knows?

The kind of African woman I want to be is the woman who embraces her authenticity, is self-aware, knows her worth, and raises awareness about issues concerning gender inequality and the holistic wellness of other people.

With the Girls’ Club I initiated in our school through the Champion Teachers project led by the University of KwaZulu-Natal, I aim to use this opportunity to bring 53

awareness to girls about the power of speaking up, mental health wellness, and authenticity. As Oprah Winfrey once said, To be authentic is the highest form of praise, you're fulfilling your mission and purpose on earth when you honour the real you.

Being content with who you are is a practice of self-love and self-care. Hence, it is fundamental to teach our young girls the importance of finding value in who they are without the need to be validated by other people. I wish to see a generation of African women who are whole, healed, and transformed—not being defined by their past experiences, insecurities, and how other people view them. One of my favourite quotes by Jay Shetty says, I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am.

Meaning, as people we tend to live in the perception of other people’s perception of ourselves. This thought affects one’s confidence to be their true self. Being

54

trapped in what other people think about you can be a stumbling block to discovering your identity.

As a teacher, I have experienced different kinds of learner personalities. Learners who come from different backgrounds perceive life differently. Some come from unfavourable backgrounds. Some lack aspiration and ambition. The systems of our rural societies have dimmed the light of hope and confidence for a bright future for our learners. Young girls experience teenage pregnancy, poor backgrounds, growing up in child-headed homes, genderbased violence and not being exposed to a positive environment.

I have noticed how these learners seek attention, validation, and love—looking for love in the wrong places and, as a result, we are facing an issue of teenage pregnancy even though healthcare and sexual awareness programmes are available in our clinics and schools.

Consequently, some girls remain in abusive relationships because they want to feel validated by their partners. So, I want to empower and uplift these young persons who lack fulfilment and purpose in life. As they say in isiZulu 55

— “ligotshwa lisemanzi” — meaning, teach children good morals whilst they are still young. I say that children need to be informed and empowered at a young age to protect them from the burden of having to heal from childhood trauma when they get older, which is what some of us went through and are still going through. I desire to see healed and whole generations, from young to old. Mental health awareness is still lacking in our society, so I long to see young women being healed from depression, anxiety, insecurity, fears so that they can live a life of wholeness, fulfilment, and purpose, being content with who they are. I am confident that would create a better community for everyone.

One of the primary aims of a wonderfully crafted life is contribution, impact, usefulness, and helpfulness. (Sharma, 2018)

2013

Wandiswa was born on 3 January 1996 in the small rural town of

.

Matatiele in the Eastern Cape.

Port Elizabeth.

She

teaches

Mathematical

Literacy at a high school in Bizana, a small rural village in

the Eastern Cape.

2023

56

Takatso Mohlomi

What a Time?

Forcefully indoctrinated, from a rural Christian-based setting Honour attached to males Naive!

Perceived as the people of the final say?

Naive!

No one can go beyond what a man instructs!?

Again Naive!

Women expected to only nurture, love and care Also, so Naive!

57

Making Me One might argue to a certain extent, that this story or moment is not so closely linked to gender inequality.

However, I want to analyse this story with that lens, because of the honour attached to males in a rural Christian-based setting, like the one I grew up in.

Men are seen as the head and leaders of their families.

They are also mostly perceived as the people who have the final say and no one can go beyond what a man instructs. So, with our leader being a male came an unrealistic and automatic submission and believing without questioning. Meanwhile, women are expected to nurture, love and care for the children. This then qualifies my story in the narrative of gender inequality.

As a young girl I believed without questioning, I loved hard, I was submissive to just about anything that a person in power says. “The teacher is always right and knows better,” I thought, as I fearfully and wholeheartedly followed.

58

I joined the Girls Leading Change research project with no expectations to gain anything for myself and with an open and optimistic mindset thinking, “This will yet be another chance for me to have an impact in other people’s lives.” Little did I know it was going to have double the amount of change and impact in my own life. It has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

Amongst the least of many effects the project has had in my life is that it has been an eye-opening experience of a lifetime (especially for a rural girl who had been conditioned to believing that the next person is more deserving of all things good than herself).

I learnt that I matter more so in my own life. I began to unconsciously see myself as the main character of my life.

I found my voice and learnt to question things. I became informed about life, my rights, gender inequalities, and violence.

Moments of growing Life has been quite a rollercoaster ride as I imagine it is for everyone. My first and most fruitful pivotal moment

59

was when I joined the group of young girl activists of change who act against gender-based violence and women abuse. Should I rather say, when I co-participated in forming the group for there was no group before we came together and there wouldn’t be a Girls Leading Change group without us.

Most people get into addictions of different kinds as they begin university and find a space to be themselves, have their word, sleep whenever, and wake up when they like.

I am glad this group was like my addiction. I kept going to our mentor’s office to check up on her but mostly to check in on myself, to reflect, introspect and just be inspired and motivated to keep on keeping on. Her office became like wells of good waters where I could visit and have my emotional tank refilled.

From the naive broken and shelled-up girl I was coming from the rural areas, this group helped me find an identity and re-instilled the confidence I once had in my voice.

60

It made me believe in myself again. It gave me a stand and I stood tall with no hesitance. It exposed me to new, bigger and better realities. It gave me bigger lenses to view life, and, in a nutshell, it gave me the necessary tools to be a better me.

A wonderful time came, and I graduated from varsity.

How happy and enthralled I was to now go find a job and be an independent woman who would solve problems of the bigger society. Being a qualified teacher, I stayed home because I could not find a job for some time, until I tapped into my superpower energies, which I had learnt from the GLC. I had to have agency and enter spaces and find a job. I came all the way from Matatiele to the Department of Education in Gqeberha to look for a job and within 30 minutes, I had found myself a permanent teaching post at a school in the township. I commend myself for having the courage to stand up for myself, hunt for what I wanted as it yielded good results.

61

There now came another phase of my life where I felt I had to find a place of worship in Gqeberha. I blindly joined a secret cult, in which I was brainwashed and manipulated into believing it to be the best thing to have ever happened to me. We were made to believe we were the special chosen people whom God’s heart is after.

Being a rural girl who came from a Christian background, I took this with both hands and just ran with it for a wasteful three years of my life. Mind you, no one ever knew I was attending church or busy with something of that sort, for everything was kept a sticky secret. I had all the tools and knowledge and yet I still fell for the very same trap of indoctrination I had succumbed to in high school. The Christian religion I believed in was bigger than who I wanted to be. I guess it’s true when they say sometimes in life your situation will keep repeating itself until you learn your lesson.

It was all thanks to my unforeseen and unintended pregnancy that I managed to free myself from this cult, when the regional youth leader at the time said I should terminate the pregnancy so I could continue to serve the 62

Lord better without having to worry about taking care of the child. This was quite confusing to hear, especially coming from the church. But this was a secret, sticky, undercover mission cult/church. So, a lot will not be your usual or typical church norms and phrases. To them, committing sin was killing one’s spiritual being which includes exposing them to the world, like I am now doing, yet it had nothing to do with killing or doing anything to the physical being.

Terminating the pregnancy would have given them more time to continue controlling and manipulating me as we were expected to be at church every Wednesday and Sunday and obliged to be in the streets recruiting more people to join the church every other day of the week. The termination would have also granted them more power to continue to manipulate me for I would always remember that they knew about my pregnancy termination that nobody else knew about, as I was told not to tell anyone about my pregnancy. They were furious upon knowing that I had already informed the father of my child before I informed the church.

63

At first, they said I should terminate my studies when I enrolled for my BEd Honours in Education at Nelson Mandela University in 2019. I rather found a way of continuing with my studies without slacking on how I served in the church. Being advised to abort my child was reason enough for me to leave New Heaven and New Earth as they called it in South Korea (Shincheonji SCJ).

To this day, I still believe that God knew there was nothing else in this world to get me out of that place besides the fear of having to kill my own child. Don’t get me wrong, I am for abortion and would support anyone who finds it as their way out of a troublesome and unpleasant situation. However, I do believe it must be a self-initiated decision and not a forced act against one’s will.

After this experience, I was left with so much bitterness towards God, the only one true hope I have always believed to be the Source of life and all in it. I experienced Saviour depression and a very shallow moment of not believing in my very own existence. My trust was broken

64

and shattered! For four years, I could not utter a single word in prayer. I hated God, I hated people, I hated life.

Through the help of professional psychological therapy and shared support amongst close friends, family and this very group of empowered women, I regained my sanity and continue to do so.

This reflection has been by far the most difficult, triggering and mentally heavy assignment I have ever had to do. It was like I was reliving some of the experiences as I was refreshing them in my mind to be able to express them in writing. More than anything, I kept asking myself if I really wanted my son to one day read this story as it includes not only me but also him and the very beginning of his existence. Do I really want him to know that his existence was a fight from Day 1? And I concluded that I do—rather than silence that could potentially continue to destroy other people’s lives.

I hope one day he reads this story and knows that he was worth fighting for; through that resilience, I managed to regain my consciousness. I hope this story saves more

65

lives and spreads hope. I am forever grateful for having had the opportunity to share my heart in my own words.

The kind of African woman I want to be is a genuine woman with intentional and consistent impact in shaping first her life and then the lives of those around her (especially the young rural girls).

As a young teacher, I want to be a woman in leadership so that I can influence policy making and continue to be the voice for women and the marginalised. I want to continue facilitating Girls’ Clubs in schools, which are safe spaces for schoolgirls to talk and ask for support. I want to be a critical but not judgmental supporter.

Words are failing me, but I want to be a woman of all things good and supportive. I want to be the kind of a woman who will be referenced as:

66

If she could do it and saw it possible from the soil and dusty roads of Lehlakaneng rural community, then somebody else can also do it.

And do it better than I did. For they will have more resources from other women who have paved the way before them—including this book of reflections of hope.

2013

Takatso

Takatso was born on 6 February 1994 in Cape Town and moved to the Eastern Cape when she was 6 years old.

She now lives in eMaxesibeni, a small rural town in the Eastern Cape, and teaches

Grade 4, 5, 6 and 7 learners.

2023

67

Bongiwe Maome-Dikana

Reading my story now, I feel I’m reading the transformation story of a young woman who was once wounded, alone, overwhelmed and powerless without control over her life. I feel like I’m reading the story of a young woman who was at the precipice of her journey to finding the strength within herself to change and write a different narrative for herself.

68

Writing a Different Narrative Looking back at who I was ten years ago when I first shared my story, I feel like the two sides of a coin. For one, I feel like I was at a place where one version of me was making way for a new, exciting and foreign version of me. More specifically, the old version of me was basically an observer of circumstances and things happening around me and I was only just being introduced to a different, more present and “alive” version of me.

On the other side of the coin, is the cocktail of discomfort, uneasiness and a sense of would-be whimsy that kicked in at the beginning stages of the process of my selfdiscovery—a re-birth into a new, evolved and more informed and self-aware version of me as it were. All that was against the contrasting sense of strange ease, of becoming more of myself in spite of–and despite my circumstances. To find myself at a place in my life where I can shift my worldview from everyone else, back to me, and recognise that my feelings, my thoughts and my opinions matter too and as such, do not always have to

69

take second place to anyone—least of all, those who hurt and damaged me.

When I read my story, I see, now, that ten years ago, I was at a crossroads where I had to make a choice: to continue living for others and be a bystander in my own life or decide to live and do for me—to validate myself and my own feelings, goals and experiences in my own time and pace. I am realising now, that when I first shared my story, I was still so overcome with this sweeping sense of new spirit and excitement at my finally being able to give myself the permission to decode and redefine myself and carve a new way for myself going forward. I had just had my first sip of the freedom to discover myself and my world, and it was exhilarating!

Fast-forward to now. Looking reflectively at who I was ten years ago when I shared my story, I think I was so filled with a sort of blind optimism that comes with finally putting words to feelings that overwhelmed you for the better part of your young life—so much that I could not fully appreciate that I was only at the beginning of an ever-evolving journey. And journey is as journey does. In 70

hindsight, I think I can now appreciate the evolving nature of the journey towards healing. Granted, back then I was excited to arrive at a place in my life where I could finally confront myself and my baggage and exercise my agency in the process of reclaiming control of my life.

However, this past decade has taught me that amidst the process of writing a new narrative for my life, I must also embrace the fact that as I continue to heal, I will also have to confront and embrace my pendulous state of being over time—swinging

between

moments

of

happiness,

excitement, self-assurance and positivity, and moments of feeling overwhelmed, depressed, self-doubting and burned-out. And most importantly, perhaps more meaningfully, I believe that I must also embrace the fact that whilst I continue to grow in my awareness of self, the teacher and activist in me must be unrelenting in her duty to share that awareness with - and empower others within her centres and communities of influence.

And so, even though the journey of rediscovering, redefining and reasserting myself may be tumultuous and scary at one end, it is and always has been equally 71

beautiful, freeing and meaningful at the other end. Mine is to hold fast and continue my efforts to contribute constructively to the collective cause of addressing and redressing the struggles of women, more specifically, disproportionately marginalised African women in the world—to continue to do my part in the struggle to unearth, empower and amplify the voices of the voiceless, and unmask the many faceless young women in our communities so they too, can be active in transforming their own circumstances And to do that, I need to be honest with myself and the young girls I work with about the innate cost of change—you must lose yourself to find yourself, and every good fight is met with a good portion of resistance. The choice to persist regardless is what separates agents of change from the agents of oppression and destruction. I want to be the former.

Right now, with every moment that I spend in therapy confronting my demons, every moment that I spend in my classroom engaging young minds and hearts beyond the curriculum and syllabus, every moment I spend in my household raising conscious, strong and self-aware little 72

girls, and with every moment that I spend in my social and professional circles engaging and challenging the status quo—I feel incredibly proud that I allowed myself the opportunity to transition to this new, more enlightened and progressive version of myself.

I feel, if anything, that how far I’ve come since sharing my story and my journey thereafter affirms the choice that I made all those years ago—to allow myself to be the kind of woman who isn’t her circumstances.

A woman who isn’t silent, a woman who gives herself the unconditional permission to feel, heal, learn, unlearn, break and rebuild herself, a woman who encourages herself to align and realign herself, a woman who will not be silent and watch history repeat itself nor accept that the cycle of abuse and oppression is just how it is. Because it is not—and it should not be.

Now, at this point in my journey, I still insist that I will no longer be just an observer of life’s circumstances. I 73

believe that I can be an observer, a participant and an architect of my reality. Whilst also being an active part of the self-appointed “demolition team” of African women whose sole mandate is to challenge and demolish a system that seeks to benefit the few at the expense of the many. And that is a journey that I will continue to walk proudly—hand-in-hand with young girls and boys who want to be a part of constructing a new, more inclusive, more progressive and more meaningful story for us and all those who are coming after us. That is the kind of teacher, mother, wife, leader and African woman that I want to be.

2013 Born on 11 June 1995 at Baragwanath Hospital in

Johannesburg, Bongiwe later moved between

schools in the city and her hometown of Matatiele in the Eastern Cape.

Bongiwe now lives in East

London, in the Eastern Cape, South Africa, and teaches Grade 8 and 12 Natural Science at a high school.

2023 74

Melissa Lufele

So, we meet again with me as a young adult navigating life. All I can say is, it has not been smooth sailing, but I can proudly say it has been a process of evolution. Through this process of journaling my reflection, I have discovered that self-reflection challenges you to ask questions and think about your interactions with others as well as how your perceptions and the perceptions of others affect and ultimately help you carve your path. It almost feels like looking at myself in a mirror or a glass wall that

enables me to come face-to-face with my imperfections, stare at my insecurities, confront my fears and applaud my progress.

75

Rediscovering Me I didn’t know then, but reading my stories now, as the adult me, took me back in time and I realised that I was a mess, a beautifully packaged mess but nonetheless a mess.

Looking at myself through this glass wall I’m introduced to a young woman full of hope and dreams, she is sheltered, extremely naive, apparently happy but within her is a self-loathing little girl, because of the high societal standards that continue to dictate how life should be for all women even today. I now know that her challenge, one that she would come to know as gender identity, was that hers had been solely constructed by norms, behaviours and roles associated with being a woman. For her, being a woman was what she saw, what she heard, what she was told and like the naive, innocent girl she was, what she was told was who she became.

She is a little girl with emotional scars that run deeper than she would like to acknowledge. Her self-esteem is nonexistent but because she was taught “Pray and keep sweet,” she braves through every situation because once

76

again, society has labelled sensitive and emotional women as weak and unable.

She has a lot to learn because life has not yet dealt her the raw reality of what it truly means to be a woman today.

She knows she is different from the other women she meets, and this creates in her an inferiority complex that makes achieving her optimum best a challenge.

Physically, she appears to be confident yet emotionally, she is crying for help. She wants to be heard and most importantly, she wants someone to notice and see her not because she is a woman—because she is a human being.

When I look into her beautiful face the famous Xhosa quote “Ubuhle bekhiwane zimpethu” (the most beautiful fig may contain a worm) comes to mind because she is what many would consider close to perfection on the outside yet her inside has started a slow painful death.

77

She is deep, filled with untold traumas and terrors, a master at hiding her scars yet she refuses to give up because her dream of a better future far outweighs the difficulties presented by today.

That little girl was me ten years ago, and looking at her today makes me wonder. Has the older, experienced, knowledgeable, exposed and supposedly advanced me, been liberated? Can I honestly sit here and say she has been set free? Yes, shackles are off—I feel them off—but the marks where they once were have remained. Can I then truly say I am emancipated when I am one of the women who have been emotionally violated and stayed long after all because no one understood that he validated me and made me feel seen? Is it okay for me to say I have found my voice, but I lose it at times when the past comes knocking? Can I be open with you today and confess that sometimes I am not strong enough to stand up for myself even when I have all the tools to do so. Would you believe that I am an activist when I share those stories? One thing this reflection has reminded me of is that feminists and activists are just people and the process of evolution for 78

people involves making mistakes, learning from them and letting go. Progress is not a straight route; consistency does not look the same every day because sometimes waking up is a major achievement and at times, facing a fear is victory for the day. I have come to realise that growth is hard and it’s painful but the choice to transition is one that is necessary.

Ten years later, I have evolved and matured. I believe life has granted me new insightful lenses that allow me to look at life in a positive light, an insight that challenges me to ask questions like “Why should I?” “Of what benefit is this to me and those around me?” “Does this make me happy, if not, why am I doing it?” Sounds selfish, I know, but if you have been selfless all your life, a few lessons on the art of selfishness can only make you better.

A decade later, I marvel at how far I’ve come even though I must confess it hasn’t been a smooth ride. I’ve hit a few potholes along the way, a few tyre punctures, some dents and scratches here and there, yet the ride has always been worthwhile. It feels like yesterday when I was scared to answer a question in a lecture hall just in case my English 79

bundles depleted mid-sentence, how my heart almost stopped when a lecturer called me out to respond to a contextual question in Business Economics class. You probably won’t believe me when I tell you I knew the answer. I did. I knew the answer like the back of my hand but I froze because I didn’t believe I could do it. What if I got it wrong? What if they laughed at me? What if she told me off? See, it’s the what ifs that held me back because they spoke louder than my non-existent self-esteem.

Months later after joining the Girls Leading Change, I began to recognise my strength and understand that the English language was not a measure of my intelligence and that to reach my fullest potential I needed to put myself out there. That did not mean I would get everything I wanted but that the things meant for me would find me ready and willing to participate. I went on to do great things in university as one of the student leaders in our university residence where I learnt and applied leadership skills that help me shine in the workplace and my life in general. This is because through

80

this group I learnt to craft my own identity, define my own gender outside of the noise.

Today I proudly say I have addressed intellectuals on local and global stages, shared my stories with lots of people, many of whom had never even heard of a place called kwaNomzamo in Humansdorp. But I bet you they remember my name, some even quote my work because when I spoke, something in what I said resonated with them and touched a piece of who they are.

You ask, “Who did that?” Well, I did that. Through the Girls Leading Change I managed to achieve dreams that I never even allowed myself to have because they seemed too far-fetched. But I achieved them.

Next was the long-awaited graduation, the dream that kept me awake when I had to study the whole night with just a bowl of cereal as dinner, the dream that saw me through my toughest university moments. I realised that graduating with my bachelor’s degree meant so much to 81

not just me, but to my family and my community. It meant my mother gave birth to a teacher, and my community produced a graduate who is of the soil. It meant my church had an educator in their midst. Above all, it meant the new generation of kwaNomzamo had someone close to home who they could model their lives on, someone who could remind them that current circumstances do not have to determine your future, that if a little girl raised by a single mother in this same township can do it, so can they.

This became my story of hope even when I lost this hope due to the stress and challenges presented by unemployment that threatened my economic freedom.

Reciting this story, sharing this hope with others, reignited my candle even during adversity and sure enough, my time came. I was no longer just Melissa Lufele, but I was now a teacher!

I would come to realise that this title carried a lot of weight. A burden that at times would feel like a big heavy rock on my back. Suddenly, I was a breadwinner, a role model. I must act a certain way. I’m certain you haven’t forgotten that my education was meant to be our one-way 82

ticket out of poverty so that meant “sebenza” (work, in isiXhosa) girl. I had to adapt, speak a certain way, dress a certain way, associate with the elite and while I evolved, another saw a get-rich-quick scheme and that love would be an easy way to win this prize.

Remember, I was still the same little girl with daddy issues, maybe a little grown up now but that little girl was still there, and she still wished to experience the purest form of love. So, when a wolf walked into my space decorated as a sweet looking sheep with beautiful presents representing love, care, validation, protection and everything I desired, I had to fall into the trap.

But how Mel? You know all the tricks in the book? You are an activist against gender-based violence, for crying out loud! Well, before I am an activist, I am a person. It will always be that subtle little comment “baby you are gaining weight, I don’t like that,” “next time, please let me handle the conversation. The boys don’t feel comfortable with all your feminist remarks,” “you’re just too smart for my liking and its annoying,” “I love this modest look on you, it’s giving ‘Phakama mkam 83

bakubone’ (Stand up my wife so that people can see you/your beauty), how about we pause on the pants for a while?”

Gaslighting, manipulation, love bombing, emotional abuse, I knew all the titles, I saw all the red flags yet experiencing them was different because the little girl in me continued to echo his words. “No-one will ever love you like I do.” No-one else saw her, but I did—the little self-loathing girl, she never left.

I’m telling you this because like you, I exist in a society that tells women if you can’t keep a man then you are the problem. By the age of 25 you should be stable in your husband’s house—what are you waiting for?

Your age mates are having second babies.

I hear it, I experience it, I live with them and sometimes these statements make you stay because you fear the judgement, the stereotypes, the side eyes and the not-sosoft whispers. I want you to understand that even smart 84

people make stupid decisions at times and then they must make a choice to either continue making these mistakes or learn from them. And from that episode, dear friends, I decided to take only the lessons.

When my doctor told me I might never have children of my own because of a health condition, my whole world collapsed. I suddenly saw my existence pointless—if I can’t procreate then what purpose do I have being alive?

I sank into a dark place haunted by questions I had no answers to. It was my brother’s Mother’s Day text one morning that brought me back to life. It read Happy Mother’s Day Mntase, you may not have children of your own, but you are a mother, to my kids, all the kids that come into your space, and all of them are blessed to have you because you are an extraordinary human.

I found myself with tears that spoke a thousand words because I didn’t realise I needed to hear that. To him it was just a short text but to me, it was a reminder of my superpower, my power to love unconditionally, to motivate and heal with words, to see children as the 85

unique beings they are, to influence them to achieve their fullest potential. I pray every morning to be a lasting fragrance to all the children who come into my space, one who calms an anxious spirit, comforts a sad heart, and tickles the grumpy mood. I strive to be their space of comfort, the one person they know they have in their corner, a sympathetic ear that’s always willing to listen and advise.

So yes, I may not have any of my own yet, but I am not just a teacher. I am a mother because the children in my care are not just my bread and butter, they are an extension of myself and every day, I work hard to give them the best version of myself because they deserve nothing less.

Circumstances sometimes make it hard because the work environment has different people in it for different reasons and we work in poor conditions, serving children from poor communities in farm areas. The employer refuses to invest in our kids and gives them way less than they deserve but we keep at it because we owe it to them to believe in them so much that they begin to believe in themselves.

86

I do it because I am a Champion Teacher and champions don’t just win, they leave a legacy.

As you have probably realised while listening to me pour my heart out on this piece of paper, it has been an interesting road. So, closing this chapter I wish to say a few words to my younger self, and I pray that these words encourage you to rise above your circumstance, to be greater than you have ever imagined, to fall and dust yourself off because life keeps moving.

Dear Younger Self I am sorry. I am sorry for your silent tears and all the untold stories. I silenced you for the longest time because I was not ready to believe in you. I stayed longer than I should have, and I took you for granted because I had not yet recognised your self-worth. So, thank you for having it hard because those scars

87

shaped who I am today. Thank you for holding on even when giving up was the easy option.

I salute you for your strength, your zeal to achieve greatness, your determination to overcome and your fighting spirit that urges you to carry on when the going gets tough. You are an African Queen, a precious gem and dynamite ready to unleash light that will be bright enough for all to see.

Together you and I will be remembered as the face of change, the generation of women bold enough to unsettle injustice and challenge the status quo. We will be known for our kindness, our ability to nurture life and build lasting legacies, the first of our kind to share our vulnerable selves with the world because we recognise power in honest emotion. We will lead with empathy, gracefully move mountains, create, shape and influence young women and men who will be at the forefront of the fight towards the true emancipation of African women.

Together we will be the voice to the voiceless, a force to be reckoned with, a beacon of hope that uplifts 88

because we realise it only takes one person who cares enough to create a healthy society. You will be that person, I will be that person, everyone who associates with us will be that person because we are influential.

I am proud of the woman you were, the woman you are, and the woman you are still to become.

With love, Mel.

2013

Melissa was born on 28 April 1994 in

Johannesburg and attended school in Humansdorp, a small town in the Eastern Cape.

She now teaches Grade 10 to 12 learners in her hometown of Humansdorp.

2023

89

Zethu Jiyana

Reading my story, I’m reintroduced to this young girl I was. She was confused. She had so many insecurities and fears. Fears of what?

Fears of not being accepted or approved.

Approved by who?

90

What it Means to be “Me” Zethu was a girl with many regrets. Regrets about so many things. She was very cautious. A little too cautious if you ask me. Cautious about not being a disappointment or an embarrassment. She based her whole childhood on being overly submissive to the other party whether being her church, family, friends, or community. She was defined by her surroundings, societal expectations and what it meant being a good church girl—defined by what was normal for a girl her age. She had no identity, no standing, no say even over her own life. Sad story of a voiceless young girl.

The Zethu I was then, was desperate. Desperate to be perfect, but what did perfection look like for her?

Perfection for her looked something like this: being obedient and submissive. Was it because that is how she was raised? Perfection for her meant pleasing people around her, even at the cost of losing herself. She lived her whole childhood for other people. What a shame!

And so, I guess I can say . . . “I did not know I was me.” (TD Jakes sermon, 2019) 91

And so, I became a product of societal norms and expectations. Only because I did not know I was me. I did not know what was right for me, so I did what was right for the situation or community. I was forgetting what was right for me mattered more. And that is all because I did not know I was me. Controlled by systems that dictated my role as a young girl, systems that assigned roles to me from birth. Swayed side to side like the leaves of a tree on a windy day. Going back and forth like the waves of the sea. So was I, lost, looking for direction.

On this journey of finding Zethu, I went to university.

Even there, my career was chosen for me because I could not make decisions on my own. I was overly dependent on being told what to do, when and how to do it. Perfect recipe for a pastor’s wife because that is who I was groomed to become.

There is of course one good decision I made for myself and that was joining Networks for Change and WellBeing: Girl-Led “From the Ground up” Policy Making to Address Sexual Violence in Canada and South Africa.

That was the best move I ever made. Little did I know that 92

path was the beginning of a journey of discovery and finding my identity. When I joined the project, I was curious and eager to learn and did not know the conversations would be so uncomfortable for me. I learnt to be comfortable with the uncomfortable because the space we Girls Leading Change were in was safe, safe enough for us to confront demons we had ignored for so long. We were finally able to confront them.

This was a pivotal moment for me because I never thought I was okay to talk about the issues we touched on so freely without judgement. I could release a lot of anger, hurt and disappointment I had through those dialogues, and that had a lot of influence in shaping the teacher and woman I am becoming.

What the team didn’t know is that GLC also helped me to forgive a lot of people through those writings we used to be so lazy to do. I felt as if I was closing doors on a bitter past, letting go and starting afresh. It felt better than 93

therapy. I was in a healing season, and it couldn’t have come at a better time because had it not come, I would have become a bitter teacher, a follower of whatever, and a dependent woman.

Who knows, maybe it also saved me from abusive relationships because through the project, I discovered my worth and through the informal conversations with our leaders, I decided not to stay in a space that was not comfortable for me. I decided to always put me first. I still wonder what would have become of me had I not joined?

I mean, the world is so cruel—especially towards women.

I feel like the project became my lifeline because, damn, I’m so independent now. I’m aware of my rights, I know my worth and I know my place in society, and I want the same for all the girls who used to be like me.

Girl Leading Change did not only shape me as an individual, but it also influenced the state of the university. Through GLC we had conversations that made us reflect on experiences we had starting university, talking about places that made us feel safe and unsafe in university and through those discussions, we realised that 94

there were lots of places that made us feel unsafe and so we produced cellphilms and posters how to best address these issues.

The dialogues in the university went very well because we were given a lot of platforms to present our concerns. We could reach out to policy makers, different departments where we saw “sick trees” that needed to be fixed for the well-being of the girl child. I remember after our trip to St. Cloud State University, seeing some of the changes we would like to see in our university made us see possibilities of change being practical. Our university responded positively towards these wishes and there we were, young rural girls who came and made a difference.

The university started taking measures to make the space safer and give more support to young women. We could see changes and the practicality of it all made a mark on my heart because I started believing that nothing was impossible.

Getting into the working world of teaching was a totally different experience. It was like taking five steps back. I came into the working world with so much enthusiasm, 95

but the rejection made it so difficult to introduce the new information I had and the new knowledge I gained (which I call the hidden curriculum), which taught me to learn and unlearn a lot of things. The environment I was in was not as receptive as I expected because I was back in the rural areas where community members are indoctrinated on how a woman or man should conduct herself or himself. Parents are not much involved in what their children learn at school but when you start engaging them in gender talks, then suddenly they are concerned because they are worried you will teach their children disobedience and move them out of a space they are comfortable with. But at what expense? All the enthusiasm suddenly disappears, and you must constantly remind yourself that the well-being of a child is more important and a priority.

Being an activist in the community felt like moving a mountain—it still does because when you teach gender equality, it sounds like you are being disrespectful, defying rules.

96

Rules made by who? For whom? And why? Still, it remains uncomfortable talking about gender, equality and gender-based violence. It is through a new project, Champion Teachers, that finally there was a plan on how we can provoke these conversations and talk about these issues through different approaches that would make even the learners able to open and speak. For me, Champion Teachers was a sign that this work needs to be taken further for the sake of grooming better and well-informed girls who can have a chance, like me, to speak out and be heard, to challenge systems in the right way, and to pave a way for the next generation. Such an experience is rewarding and comforting, especially when I hear some of the experiences from the members of Champion Teachers and how it has worked for girls in their schools. Even with the many challenges, a small difference is better than nothing, and a little goes a long way.

I can gladly say through this ten-year journey I finally found my identity through all the dialogues, workshops, visits to different universities including the international St. Cloud State University. Every meeting, every 97

interaction and every presentation was growth for me. I grew and still grow every time we have these meetings.

Even when we have lunch or dinner conversations, they are so helpful in my everyday life. Sometimes I ask myself how I would have turned out had I not joined this movement, and the answer is I would still be dependent with no real identity. I would be a teacher who dehumanises learners. I would be a mother who does not understand gender and curses any child who acts outside their gender norm. I would be a citizen who conforms to any and every instruction or role assigned to me.

Today, I realise I am not perfect, and I don’t want to be perfect—I just want to be the best version of me. I learnt not to live in the past. In fact those mistakes I made also played a role in who I am today and so I embrace every mistake, failure, disappointment and betrayal I faced in this journey of life and with that, I want to become a woman with a stand—a woman who teaches other girls that it is okay to be vulnerable, a safe space for many and mostly an ear, because sometimes as Albertina Sisulu said, “all I can do is listen and tell my story.”

98

Most of all I want to pass the baton. A lot of girls and women need hearing the words, “it is okay,” “it’s not the end of the world,” “if this doesn’t work, try another angle” and as I have learnt, “nothing is impossible.” I want to be the woman who holds those hands and says, “let’s cross the road,” and then lets go of those hands and watches them walk.

Signed, Woman Unleashed

2013

Born in 1990 in the small town of Bizana, Eastern Cape.

Zethu completed her schooling in the city of Gqeberha.

She now lives in Gcuwa and teaches Life Sciences and Mathematical Literacy at a high school in Centane, a nearby village in Eastern Cape.

2023 99

Zikhona Tshiwula

Roar! And Behold Her Majesty, the BOLD Experiences made me Experiences changed me

The strength and bravery from taking responsibility for actions and me.

Support I provide Because of experiences and wisdom within me.

I will never be defeated, because I am a change maker And I shall prevail

I am bold, behold.

100

I am Beyond my Expectations I’m reflecting on the story I wrote in Fourteen Times a Woman on how my family and teachers proposed that I should drop out of school while I was in Grade 12 because I was pregnant. This broke me emotionally, because as I look back on my childhood experiences, which had a big impact on how broken and angry I was because as a child who was raised by a granny who was an alcoholic, I had to become an adult at an early age. This was due to not having support from my family. Being a young adult meant that I had to make choices of which some were irresponsible and impulsive because I had no one to talk to. I had a boyfriend who abused me physically and emotionally, and he took advantage of the fact that I had no support from my family.

I blame no-one but myself for listening to him because it broke me even more and left me empty inside and out. I had no hope, no self-confidence and no identity. I was emotionally broken but also resilient in the sense that I continued with my studies although I had no support from my family, and while taking care of my child. I persevered 101

even though it wasn’t easy because there were a lot of challenges in all that was happening in my life. I looked like I was defeated but I still had the heart of a lion to fight and pull through from the chains of being broken in mind, body and soul. With the help of Prof Naydene, Prof Lebo, my aunt, and husband I gained strength, hope, love and most importantly, learnt to never give up and keep going.

In everything that was happening in my life, I changed; I became a better person than I was before. All these experiences shaped me to become the person I am today.

A first pivotal moment was when I stood up for myself in 2012. My entire family together with my principal decided that I should quit school due to being pregnant.

The decision broke me to a point where I even tried to commit suicide and landed in hospital. During my stay in hospital, the psychologist advised me to fight for what was right by trying to reach out for help. At the time, I was very weak and couldn’t even think properly but in my last session with the psychologist, she said to go to the Department of Education. I went back home and two days after being released from the hospital, I went to the 102

Education District Office not knowing what to do or say or even provide. So, I asked to speak to the Education Development Officer of the high school I was attending. I told him my story and provided my reports and certificates to him. He advised that I go back to school the next day. I was very scared but went to school and he also showed up. From then on, I attended school, and things went back to normal. I remember the words he said to me: “Young lady, you’re very brave, don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do with your future, shine.” The following year, I was invited by the principal and EDO to talk about teenage pregnancy and how I continued with my studies.

This changed me because I learnt that I had to take charge of my life.

A second pivotal moment was getting into university. I grew up alone, not having friends because I was always locked up or not being able to play with others—the life of being raised by a granny. I know she was trying to protect me, and I don’t regret it at all. I met a group of girls who were also studying to become teachers and we thus all shared the same vision and passion for teaching.

103

The girls were very supportive and made sure that I could attend classes every day as I didn’t have a bursary, which led to me not having transport fees for the whole month.

They even gave me clothes and food parcels. I had very strong, caring friends. Then peer pressure took over and things changed. I made bad choices, started partying, drinking alcohol and even not attending classes. One of my friends saw a poster on campus about gender-based violence. At that time, I was experiencing gender-based violence so we decided to sign up for the research project and attend. This changed me because I stayed in university because I had supportive friends.

A third pivotal moment was joining Girls Leading Change. I was walking in a garden full of thorns, barefoot, and so GLC came at the right moment to save me from the pain I was enduring. In the GLC group, I gained a mother I never had, a mother who never gave up on me even though I was a thorn to her; she kept on pushing me and sometimes I would meet with my mother—we would have discussions on staying at school no matter the circumstance. She tried and gave her best, also referred 104

me to counselling because I had anger issues. All the sessions helped because I became a better person and understood that everything I was going through would pass. She even went the extra mile when I decided to drop out because of finances and helped with that.

I will never forget what GLC did for me because I got a second chance in life after I’d made bad choices. In GLC I gained sisters I could talk to, who also gave me confidence and support, a safe space for being myself and being able to open and talk about everything. In GLC I also gained courage to speak out, be agentic and creative and learned how to present to an audience and write. GLC gave me hope and educated me on how I viewed genderbased violence and gave me a second chance in life.

As a teacher and mother, I am now more confident than before and more driven to provide a safe place for both my children and learners. The learners in my Girls’ Club look up to me as their teacher, which means I must be a good role model to them.

105

I have become more assertive, positive and I have agency.

I also maintained my ubuntu spirit by forming a group called Amaqobokazana, with the intention of building other women and creating a safe space or environment for women to talk.

In expressing and writing about my experiences, I hope one day that this will help someone who is also experiencing the same things I went through.

2013

Zikhona was born on 1 March 1994 in Gqeberha

but completed part of her schooling in Cape Town.

She still lives in Gqeberha, and teaches Social Sciences, Natural Sciences and Life Skills at a primary school.

2023

106

Thina Kamnqa And I Became Me Gender inequality refers to inequalities experienced by both men and woman in the form of not being treated equally based on their gender; and it can be caused by gender discrimination or sexism. The issue that is related to gender inequality in my earlier story is where I wrote Me

about my teenage pregnancy. Teenage pregnancy is the Persevere,

pregnancy of a female adolescent—I was still in high strong,

school. Teenage pregnancy is related to gender inequality shy,

in the sense that when I became pregnant while still at confidence, school, I had to raise my child on my own. hard working,

I am the mother, while the father of the child continued patient,

with his life as if nothing had happened. It is always the successful.

woman who must take responsibility for raising the children while the fathers continue with their lives. I don’t regret raising my child alone because it encouraged me to continue with my studies because I needed to do the best for my child so that he would not grow the way I grew up, struggling because my parents were not educated.

107

And I Became Me Gender inequality refers to inequalities experienced by both men and woman in the form of not being treated equally based on their gender; and it can be caused by gender discrimination or sexism. The issue that is related to gender inequality in my earlier story is where I wrote about my teenage pregnancy. Teenage pregnancy is the pregnancy of a female adolescent—I was still in high school. Teenage pregnancy is related to gender inequality in the sense that when I became pregnant while still at school, I had to raise my child on my own.

I am the mother, while the father of the child continued with his life as if nothing had happened. It is always the woman who must take responsibility for raising the children while the fathers continue with their lives. I don’t regret raising my child alone because it encouraged me to continue with my studies because I needed to do the best for my child so that he would not grow the way I grew up, struggling because my parents were not educated.

108

The woman I was then . . .

In reflecting on my story, I realised that I was a very shy girl and had no confidence in myself. I felt awkward and uncomfortable especially when I was around strangers. I cried every time when having to do a presentation in front of my classmates. I was scared to stand and speak in front of a crowd.

My self-esteem was low, and I was always wondering what people would say about me if I made a mistake, not knowing that it is okay to make mistakes because mistakes make us grow and mature. I could not stand up for myself. I let other people control me.

I was a selfless person. I always considered other people’s needs and feelings above my own. I always wanted to show kindness and be caring towards other people, while putting my own needs on hold. Being selfless cost me, because it resulted in me not studying because when friends called me, I would stop what I was doing and go 109

with my friends. I focused on other people too much and I ignored myself, I had no “me” time. I was being ruled by friends not because I feared them but because I wanted to please them and be in their good books.

Peer pressure made me do some of the things because I wanted to feel accepted by my friends. We were a group of three friends, and I was the only one who had no boyfriend at the time. The reason I had no boyfriend was because I was not ready to have sex and I believed that once I had a boyfriend, I would have to sleep with him.

So that is why I did not want one. My friends would always have conversations about their partners so that’s where I felt the pressure and started dating, not knowing I would get pregnant. I got pregnant because I had little knowledge about protection and contraception.

After I joined the research project at the university and we named ourselves Girls Leading Change, the learning and sense of community over the past ten years has enabled me to become a new person because I gained more knowledge, and I learned to stand up for myself. I feel more content and I am at peace, and if someone is trying 110

to mock or control me, I can defend myself. I am not afraid to raise my point of view and that helps a lot because no one is taking advantage of me.

I am grown up and mature, and I know how to differentiate between what is wrong and what is right for me. Knowing to stand up for myself has built my self-esteem. I can now communicate more effectively than in the past and people have a lot of respect for me.

I now know how to say no when people are trying to manipulate me. I can now face the world with confidence without being shy. I am not emotionally dependent on someone else to solve my problems. Even at work, I am treated fairly and respected because I can stand up for myself.

Joining the Girls Leading Change has helped me to be able to address other people about gender inequality and other related gender issues because I learned a lot in the project. Even in my classroom, I give my learners advice 111

when they are going through what I went through and if the topic is about gender issues, I contribute to the topic by quoting what I learned in the Girls Leading Change project.

The pivotal moments In 2013 while I was reading though my emails, I saw an email from Prof Naydene, calling for teacher education women students who were from rural villages to join a three-day workshop that was held at Brooks Hill Hotel in Summerstrand. The workshop was about gender-based violence. I grabbed that opportunity, and I went to register my name in her office. The weekend workshop was very informative and fruitful for me because I gained a lot of knowledge about gender issues. It opened my eyes to a lot of things—in fact, it changed my life. It was the first time I went to a restaurant. I didn’t even know how to hold a fork and knife let alone to choose what to eat from the menu.

We did presentations and made cellphilms in the workshop. I got to know about my skills and talents I did

112

not know I had. I enjoyed making a cellphilm. Watching myself acting in the film made me proud. Another important moment for me was that I went overseas to the United States of America to do part of my teaching practical. Teaching at a school in Minnesota opened a lot of opportunities for me because I received certificates of achievement there, which resulted in me getting a teaching position easily here in South Africa. It was a very important moment for me because I was the first and only person in my community to go overseas. I also got a chance to be a co-author of three books in which I address and advise people about gender-based violence.

The kind of African woman I want to be I want to be that African woman who is not controlled by gender norms. I want to be able to speak for myself.

I want my voice to be heard by engaging in topics that focus on empowering women. I want to be educated and be that woman who will fight for the rights of other women.

113

I don’t want to live by those gender norms that say women must obey men at all costs because I feel like the reason why we are struggling with gender issues like genderbased violence is because we always put men before us and say that they are the heads of the house, even when they do not behave as such.

I want to be an African woman who will teach her children to respect a woman and never lay hands on them. I want to teach my kids to never force their partners to do things that they are not ready to do. I want to teach them the importance of being a woman. I want to inspire other women and empower them with the knowledge I gained from the Girls Leading Change Project. I want to encourage young women to grab every opportunity they get that concerns the empowerment of other women.

For instance, I believe that if I did not grab the opportunity to join the Girls Leading Change project, I would not have experienced some of the things I experienced—I wouldn’t have this knowledge that I have about gender issues. I always believed that men are always right until I joined the Girls Leading Change. I want to engage in many 114

programmes that empower and encourage other women. I want to open more Girls’ Clubs where we will address issues of women and young women in my community.

2013

Thina was born on 14 August 1991 in Mthatha, a rural town in the Eastern Cape.

She now teaches at a primary school in the city of Gqeberha.

2023

115

Other Girls Leading Change Lelethu Mlobeli lives in Tlokoeng, a small village in the Eastern Cape, teaching

high

school

learners

Economics and Mathematical Literacy.

Zama Mabhengu lives in Gqeberha, a city in the Eastern Cape, and teaches at a high school in the city.

Happy Mthethwa lives in eMkhondo, Mpumalanga, and teaches Mathematics, Social Sciences and English at a rural primary school.

Bongi Mhambi could not complete her Bachelor of Education degree due to life circumstance but continued to work in Gqeberha. Sadly, she passed away in 2022.

116

References Girls Leading Change. (2016). Fourteen times a woman: Indigenous stories from the heart. Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. www.mcgill.ca/morethanwords/files/morethanwords/ 14_times_a_woman.pdf Girls Leading Change. (2018). “Hamba Thobekile”: Rewriting the narrative of young Indigenous African women in times of gendered violence. Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. www.mcgill.ca/morethanwords/files/morethanwords/ collage_stories_final_2018-07-03.pdf Girls Leading Change. (2019). Dear Nosizwe: Conversations about gender inclusive teaching in schools. Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University. https://www.mcgill.ca/morethanwords/files/morethan words/dear_nozizwe_-_final_2019.pdf Sharma, R. (2018). The 5AM Club. Harper Collins Publishers.

117