Self-Portraits

by: Cooper Carr

In March of 2022, I rented a camera and put myself both in front of and behind the lens. I sat on the edge of my tub, in front of the smooth white wall of the shower and did my best to light myself with a lamp borrowed from my desk. I don’t remember anything else that happened that day, but I remember the months before it. January and February had been good and bad at the same time. I felt a little shaken by life because a lot had changed for me and rather quickly. There were changes mostly for the better, but I had a hard time learning which things in my life I could grab ahold of and which had to just happen to me. In short, I was confused. It’s hard to express with words. But the pictures that came from that day remind me of the events and feelings that defined my life at the time. As a writer, I usually feel that a picture isn’t worth a thousand words, despite the old saying. I think a picture is worth maybe a hundred words, or when I’m most diplomatic, I decide that both forms of art can accomplish amazing things. I’ll most often take the words, but in March 2022, a camera was the better tool.

I’ve been interested in self portraits ever since then and I recognize myself as an artist more. I’m as proud of those pictures as I am of any other work of creative output in my life. The self portrait is a unique and special act of creation because it allows the maker to be both artist and subject. All art is self expression. The things you choose to depict and the way you depict them show how you see the world. A self portrait intensifies self expression, it’s how you see yourself and how you show yourself to others.

Art is powerful, both making it and experiencing it can be therapeutic. It’s found at the various intersections between many highways: what you see, what you imagine, what you are able to produce, what you want to say, and the list goes on. But in all of these intersections there is a collision between the artist and the world, and what comes out is a moment in time. Every work of art is a reflection of both the artist and the circumstances of its creation.

Any prolific artist will have a body of work that, when seen chronologically, takes the viewer on a tour of their life. This is never more true than in an artist’s self portraits. A famous exam - ple is Pablo Picasso. Picasso painted around 30 self portraits in his life, and every one is a step toward the next. At 15 years old, Picasso’s first self portrait is traditional, a true to life picture of himself. By the time Picasso made his last self portrait, at 90 years old, he was unrecognizable on the page. It’s a dark, haunting scribbling with human features just faintly showing.

It’s important to me that I be able to express myself. I like to look back and do progress checks. Most of the time, this means I’m reading what I wrote about myself long ago. Sometimes it means I’m looking at old pictures of myself. It always means I’m looking at a moment in time, seeing how I saw myself. It’s a good feeling.