M Magazine Los Altos March 2022

Get New CLIENTS NOW!

V

egan Sweets

You don’t need butter, eggs, or sugar to enjoy sweets.

Use dried fruit, applesauce, and even black beans to create these good-for-you plant-based and sugar-free goodies!

·

CACAO ENERGY BITES

By Evelisse Capo, PharmD Prep time: 10 minutes Yield: 20 bites These omega-3-rich bites are the perfect snack or dessert.

They can curb hunger and cravings without giving you a sugar crash. Keep them in the fridge or freezer for a tasty boost to grab on the go!

What You’ll Need

1 cup Medjool dates, pitted (about 9-10) ¾ cup walnuts ½ cup dried unsweetened fruit, chopped

FOOD

·

¼ cup ground flax seeds ¼ cup chia seeds 3 Tbsp cacao powder 1 ½ cup cooked black beans 1 tsp vanilla extract ½ tsp ground cinnamon 1 Tbsp water

How to Make It 1. In a food processor, process the dates, walnuts, dried fruit, chia seeds, and ground flax seeds until well incorporated.

2. Add the rest of the ingredients and process for another minute.

3. Using wet hands, form the power bites into balls.

4. Store in the refrigerator for up to 7 days or in the freezer for up to 6 months.

Tips: • You can roll each ball in extra cacao powder, ground oatmeal,

hemp seeds, sesame seeds, or leave them plain.

• For the dried fruit try using cherries or apricots.

OAT & APRICOT BARS

By Chef Del Sroufe

Yield: 9 bars Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 20 minutes

What You’ll Need

3 cups rolled oats 1 ½ cups chopped pitted dates ¾ cup unsweetened applesauce ¾ tsp ground cinnamon 1 ½ cups dried, unsulfured apricots 1 cup water, or more as needed

1 ½ tsp pure vanilla extract (optional) ¼ tsp sea salt (optional) Grated zest of ½ orange

How to Make It 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 2. Combine the oats, dates, applesauce, vanilla (if using), cinnamon, and sea salt (if using) in a food processor, and process until the mixture forms a cohesive ball.

3. Remove the dough from the processor and press twothirds of it into the bottom of a nonstick 9-inch square baking pan.

4. Bake for 10 minutes, then set aside to cool for 10 minutes.

5. Meanwhile, combine the apricots, water, and orange zest in a small saucepan, and cook over medium-low heat

10

•

M

until most of the water has evaporated and the apricots are tender, about 15 minutes.

6. Transfer the apricots and any remaining water to the food processor and puree until smooth and creamy, about 3 to 4 minutes.

7. Spread the apricot puree over the cooled crust.

8. Crumble the remaining dough over the apricot puree and bake for another 10 minutes.

Let cool to room temperature before cutting into 9 bars.

Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.

Tips: • You can replace the apricots with dates for a different flavor. Add 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon and use

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract instead of the orange zest.

VEGAN CHOCOLATE CHEESECAKE

By Evelisse Capo, PharmD Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 45 minutes Yield: 12 servings This plant-based cheesecake is a rich, creamy, and decadent dessert that you can feel good about indulging in. It’s the perfect recipe for when you need a sweet treat that’s sure to impress.

What You’ll Need

3 medium red potatoes 16 oz plant-based cream cheese 1 cup silken tofu

1 cup pumpkin puree 8 Tbsp cacao powder ½ cup date paste ¼ cup date sugar

Crust

⅓ cup quick cooking oats ⅓ cup oat flour 3 Tbsp date paste

Fudge Sauce

1 ½ cups plant-based milk ¼ cup unsweetened cacao powder 2 Tbsp cornstarch ¼ cup date paste ¼ tsp vanilla extract

How to Make It 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. 2. In a bowl, combine all the crust ingredients.

3. In a springform pan, spread and press to form the crust at the bottom of the pan.

4. Process all the cheesecake ingredients in a blender until smooth.

5. Pour the cheesecake mixture over the crust in the springform pan.

6. Bake for 45 minutes.

Toppings

7. Turn off the oven and allow the cheesecake to continue to cook in the oven for one hour.

Fresh berries Plant-based fudge Shaved dark chocolate

8. Remove the cheesecake from the oven and allow it to cool to room temperature.

9 . Refrigerate the cheesecake for several hours before serving.

10. Decorate with plant-based fudge sauce, berries, and dark chocolate shavings.

Fudge Sauce 1. In a saucepan, whisk together all fudge ingredients until well combined.

2. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until thickened. Set aside.

Tips • The Kite Hill brand of plantbased cream cheese has minimal ingredients and is oil-free.

• You can substitute the date sugar with coconut sugar. ᯽

Happy Hour

·

F OOD

·

Come along as we explore places to get deals on drinks and cheap bites.

MR. MOJITO JF BAR & GRILL

5925 Almaden Expy, San Jose, CA happy hour: 2 – 7 pm every day!

Mr. Mojitos is one of our favorite happy hour spots oddly located in suburbia.

First of all, cheers to the spacious parking lot. No need to drive around looking for metered parking or expensive garages!

Secondly, you can start your happy hour fiesta at 2 pm any day of the week.

Mojitos has a great selection of happy hour drinks and snacks ranging from $5 - $8 and includes beers, well drinks, wine, margaritas, martinis, and mojitos that come in many flavors (blackberry is a favorite). The snacks which also range from $5 - $8 include sweet potato or garlic fries, hummus, fried zucchini, chicken nachos, and nacho fries to name a few.

The portions are generous and the food and drinks taste fine. A great spot for large gatherings. Rating: 7/10

3RD & BOURBON

93 E Santa Clara St, San Jose, CA happy hour: 4 – 7 pm This spot in downtown San Jose is tiny with less than 10 tables, plus the bar.

From the Happy Hour menu, you can choose from Mozzarella Sticks, Fried Chicken Mac & Cheese Sliders and Chicken Tenders – and that’s all folks.

The cocktails here have whimsical names; I tried the Valley Girl ($9): vodka, strawberry, lime, elderflower, and mint.

The drink was sugary sweet and sadly, the fruit and herbs were indiscernible – boo, thumbs down. However, the classic Old Fashioned ($10) got the thumbs up.

For food we tried only the Fried Chicken Mac & Cheese Sliders ($9) since the other happy hour options were fried cheese and 14

•

M

chicken tenders which seemed kinda … bourgeois. The order comes with three sliders– fried chicken topped with mac & cheese between slider buns. The chicken was moist under the crispy crust – the mac & cheese was nothing special but with the breaded chicken, the hearty slider buns, and the pasta, it was a satisfying carby combination. We also tried the PB&J Sliders ($13), a beef patty with peanut butter & strawberry jelly. It was pretty yummy. But not on the Happy Hour menu. Not great for happy hour but might be worth exploring the regular menu. Rating: 5/10

FOGO DE CHAO

377 Santana Row. Ste 1090 San Jose, CA happy hour: mon – fri 4 – 6 pm This is a favorite Happy Hour spot and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to share it. Fogo is mostly known for their endless meat buffet in the dining room, but the happy hour action that’s going on in the bar is a secret that’s hard to share. Mostly because the bar is pretty small and snagging a table there is going to be that much harder.

BUT maybe nobody will read this, so here goes. They’ve got some pretty good beer, including Stella Artois for $4 bucks, very good wine for $6 and excellent South American Cocktails (mostly caipirinhas) for $8 – I’m not into whisky but the Caramelized Pineapple Old-Fashioned is as good as it sounds. The snack menu offers six items, and they are all delicious and, at $4, a bargain. There are beef and chicken sliders, spinach dip, polenta

fries and empanadas. The empanadas are delicious and you’ll likely need two orders.

They also offer a burger with fries for $8 – a steal! The location is in Santana Row, so you can spend the afternoon shopping before relaxing with a nice cocktail and some tasty treats. Rating: 10/10

LAZY DOG RESTAURANT & BAR 19359 Stevens Creek Blvd, Cupertino, CA happy hour: mon – fri 3 – 6 pm

Lazy Dog is another favorite Happy Hour hangout. They offer Coors and Bud for $3, draft beers for $6, wine for $4 and select cocktails from $5 - $9. You can get a pitcher of Sangria for $15 – perfect for a crowd. And Lazy Dog has the best snacks ever. Favorites include Loaded Potato Hush Puppies ($5), Waffle-Cut Parmesan Chips ($3), Bacon Candy(!!!) ($6), Brussels Sprouts ($7) and Crispy Deviled Eggs ($6). It’s impossible to leave here broke or hungry. Rating: 10/10

CASCAL

400 Castro St, Mountain View, CA happy hour: tues – fri 3:30 – 6:00 pm Cascal is a very popular Happy Hour hot spot and for good reason. They have a nice variety of tasty “Pan-Latin” bites to choose from on their happy hour menu and you can choose anything from the cocktail menu at 50% off during happy hour. The happy hour snack menu offers goodies that partner perfectly with a refreshing sangria or Caipirinha and everything is under ten bucks. On our last trip, we enjoyed a beer and a mojito with the Croquetas de Jamón ($8), tasty, deep-fried croquets filled with smoky ham and cheese, the Patatas Bravas ($6), a generous portion of crispy potatoes in salsa, and the Fish Tacos ($7.50). Get there early to score a table at the bar. Rating: 7/10

YOUR TRAUMA WANTS TO BE HEALED

5 Ways Your Body is Inviting You to Slow Down, Listen and Heal

Y

By GURUNISCHAN

our body is always communicating with you, but it speaks a different language than you're used to; it speaks through SENSATION. The busy-ness of a pressure-filled daily life doesn't often give you the luxury of paying attention to what sensations your body is communicating.

You’re busy being busy.

By the time you actually do pay attention, there's usually a chronic pain, inflammation, or something serious that you have to attend to before further debilitation takes place, aka, chronic fatigue, arthritis, tumors, muscle spasms, insomnia, high blood pressure, stress related symptoms and other inflammatory conditions.

These are real issues that consume your attention; life has a way of doing that.

Society has normalized the addiction to busy-ness, overwhelm, and the “need for speed.” It takes real effort to go against this training and choose new ways to navigate your daily life. Technology, social media, and our global marketplace compounds this addiction to internal and external speed exponentially.

Busy-ness allows us to ignore the brewing layers of unprocessed pain that our bodies hold and express daily. Your body stores memory and early imprinting, traumas and past experiences in your nervous system, organs, cells, and muscle tissue.

Similar to the way a computer holds all the data of its lifetime; unless you clear the hard drive, the browser history, the cache and the cookies, and care for the basic operating system and functionality, the system will overload and malfunction in numerous ways.

I like to describe the body’s “operating system” as your nervous system and gland network. Old data can overload your system, slow down electrical communication, and make you run sluggish. You can absolutely learn basic functionality and maintenance processes (of yourself) in a way that supports your optimal functioning, BEFORE stress-induced symptoms take over your quality of life, health, and relationships.

By learning to notice your body communication, and witness it’s messages, you can begin to feel, and listen to how your body sensation is offering you wisdom and guidance all the time. It’s literally like learning a new language.

Here are five ways that your body is inviting you to slow down, listen and heal:

1

You’re wired but tired - You're exhausted, tired, fatigued, but cannot rest, relax, or get deep sleep on a regular basis.

This is usually a sign of adrenal fatigue, which directly relates to healthy kidney function, energy and stress, hormonal function, and the body’s ability to restore itself. It can show itself as insomnia or irregular sleep patterns, caffeine and sugar cravings, raspy throat, and numerous other symptoms. Essentially your body is screaming for you to STOP “over-stimulating” it.

16

•

M

A regular breath and nervous system calming practice would do wonders if you notice this as a pattern for you.

2

Anxious ambition - You maintain an active schedule and don't feel “right” without accomplishing something or giving service I know this one all too well, having experienced burn-out and overwhelm in my last business. I was addicted to productivity.

Constant activity disconnects us from the natural rhythms of our body cycles and needs. Modern society feeds on our incessant engagement. There’s no amount of busyness that can disguise the benefits of deep sleep and relaxation.

Inquire into where others can help you ease your burden?

If this feels uncomfortable, notice where in your body you sense it, and foster connection with this new awareness.

3

You over-stimulate yourself with substances, or workout routines, yoga, discipline, and fitness, over-disciplined, lack of discipline.

·

TRANQ UIL ITY

·

“You can’t hide from yourself, because everywhere you go, there you are.”

-Teddy Pendergrass.

When my life fell into a total financial disaster back in January of 2012, I chose to see it differently, and to ask different questions of myself.

Because of this, I was able to uncover historical pain and trauma living in my body, replaying itself in my business and relationship life, as symptoms that I was too busy, and ill-equipped to notice at that time. This shift in my lens was the key to exponential transformation in my personal healing journey of complex childhood trauma and PTSD. No matter what you're experiencing, remember that your body knows how to heal. We all have to learn to strengthen our internal nervous system capacity if we expect to keep up with the fastpaced world we live in.

This often expresses itself as things done in extremes (even healthy patterns can be extreme). It can also show itself as tightness in your body, jaw, stomach and over developed muscle tissue, inflammation, heartburn, joint pain, arthritis, acid reflux, hernia issues, thyroid malfunction, and skin breakouts that are “unexplainable”.

I didn’t know that my discipline habits and over-development of my muscles were actually symptoms of early childhood trauma. What I thought was my “healthy daily routine” was actually what was holding me captive in trauma patterns that I didn’t recognize..

You have to be willing to look at yourself, all of yourself, from a new lens of experience if you want to support your body to heal itself.

Get still and feel. It may be uncomfortable, but what’s lurking there may have important information for you.

4

Something feels different inside you. A strange shift that you can’t explain.

Nothing seems to be what it used to be and you’re feeling a call for a change.

You're finding yourself not as interested in connecting with others or the world in the same way. You feel more reclusive

and sense a strange departure from your normal “social self.”

This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, actually it’s a beautiful sign that your body is ready to let go of some old stuff!

Put your attention on yourself and listen. It’s easy to label ourselves and get lost in the anxiety or depression that haunts us in endless cycles of inner and outer critic.

Your thinking towards yourself matters. Ask better questions.

Inquire into yourself from a different angle than you’ve been trained or conditioned to automatically think.

5

Life Disaster - Everything is Falling Apart

Your life seems to be falling apart. You have a feeling of repeating patterns and the rumbling of the past feels like it’s catching up with you. Perhaps you’re having a WTF moment and wondering what you’re gonna do now? This is what I call a total catalyst moment - if you choose it to be. As they say, the past always catches up with you.

The key is to let go of the past stored memory, so that your body has more available space to function at optimal capacity. Learning to PAUSE outside stimulation and ground your attention into yourself daily is an invaluable skill.

This requires practice, as does every skill set.

The number one thing I recommend to anyone and everyone is to learn to RESOURCE yourself, WITHIN yourself.

Simply to remember to L.O.V.E., including yourself in your own circle of care.

It’s a four step L.O.V.E. process: ● Locate Yourself (Place open palm on center of chest or belly) ● Observe Your Inner Space. Observe your breath/thoughts ● Variance. Vibration. Velocity What sensations do you notice? (texture, movement, speed) ● Excavate Excess Energy (Send excess down the body into the ground w/each exhale) ᯽ GuruNischan is a Nervous System Consultant, Soul Provocateur, an Alchemist, a Breath Trainer, and a Teacher of the Sensory System. Check out her latest course on optimizing your human experience at www.CurrencyofPower.com and visit www.gurunischan.com to keep abreast of all her latest offerings.

M

•

17

·

F E AT U R E

·

ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS! How to Get Motivated B y J E S S E G I U N TA R A F E H

Do you want to make big changes in your life?

As you probably know from your own experience, having goals is one thing.

Finding the motivation to stick with your goals? That’s another challenge altogether.

So how do you stay motivated to keep going after what you want?

Here are three key steps to firing up your motivation—and keeping that fire alive: 1. Get clear about your goals 2. Break down your goals into baby steps 3. Celebrate your progress

STEP 1: GET CLEAR ABOUT YOUR GOALS

The first step in motivating yourself to go after your goals is to get clear about what you truly want.

We all have a natural desire to feel fulfilled and be successful, but too often we avoid doing what we need to do to get there. Why? Because we have two selves: our ego and our true self.

Our ego is rooted in our neurologically driven survival instinct, which is concerned with our ability to stay alive not our ability to be happy. Translation:

20

•

M

our ego puts us in an anxious, hypervigilant state, constantly telling us what’s wrong with ourselves and our environment— and what we need to fix in order to minimize dangers to our survival.

Meanwhile, our true self is the best version of who we are. It’s the part of us that feels emotions like unconditional love, acceptance, courage, and joy.

If you want to set goals you feel motivated to stick with, it’s important that they come from your true self—not your ego.

How can you tell the difference? It isn’t always black and white.

TRUE SELF VS. EGO GOALS Let’s say you want to write a great book.

If your goal is to write the Great American Novel so everyone will know how talented and intelligent you are, that’s an ego-driven goal.

How do you know?

Ego-driven goals are usually based on a desire for prestige, fame, and/or status symbols.

They tie your happiness and fulfillment to external events or accomplishments. The assumption behind them is that somehow you’re not enough.

But true self goals start from the assumption that you’re already whole and complete, no matter what you accomplish.

For example, if you want to write a book because you feel moved to tell a particular story and/or you love the writing process itself, these are signs that the goal is coming from your true self.

Instead of making you feel desperate or inadequate, a true self goal makes you feel inspired to go after it. And when you’re feeling inspired, it’s much easier to stay motivated.

STEP 2: BREAK DOWN YOUR GOALS INTO BABY STEPS

Once you’ve identified your true self goals, the next step is to break them down into bite-sized pieces, or what I like to call baby steps.

Why? When you set your sights too high and fail to live up to your expectations, it kills your motivation. In my coaching and therapy practice, I’ve noticed this is the most common mistake clients make when going after their goals.

Instead of committing to initial actions that are too big and not being able to follow through, the way to stay motivated is to find the easiest point of entry—the smallest, most reasonable action you can take—and start there.

When I decided to take better care of my body, I didn’t go straight from smoking, eating cheeseburgers, and drinking Diet Coke to a strict Paleo diet.

It took me years to make the transition.

Meanwhile, I learned to give myself credit for the healthy choices I was making— the third key step in staying motivated to go after your goals.

In other words, if we wait until we reach the “end” goal to give ourselves credit, we diminish our sense of fulfillment and our desire to keep going toward what we want.

Along the way, I took baby steps, like ordering dinner salads. I’d still have a cheeseburger and fries, but I made myself eat a salad first. Sometimes the salad would fill me up, and I’d eat less of the rest of my meal. But I still had everything I wanted on my plate. I wasn’t ready to give up the cheeseburgers and fries—yet.

PROGRESS

However, if we can learn to acknowledge the baby steps we take, it not only becomes easier go after our goals. It helps us enjoy the journey.

But eventually I was ready. I went from ordering dinner salads to wrapping my burger in lettuce to swapping a cheeseburger for a salad. I noticed how different I felt after eating a salad for lunch instead of a cheeseburger and fries.

As I started to crave healthier foods, it became easier to make smarter choices about what I ate. I also felt motivated to take bigger steps toward eating better.

STEP 3: CELEBRATE YOUR

As soon as we start to give ourselves credit for something we’ve achieved, we can expect the ego to resist. Why? Since it’s focused on survival, the ego equates celebrating with complacency.

This is why we tend to undervalue our efforts when we’re baby stepping toward our goals. When we make a healthy choice (like skipping dessert), or exercise our creativity (by taking a few minutes to brainstorm topics for a podcast, for example), we often tell ourselves it doesn’t mean much.

Or we think about the next steps we need to take.

But if we let our egos be the judge after we take a baby step, we miss the opportunity to feel good about doing something positive for ourselves.

Ultimately, taking the time to celebrate the life we’re creating—as we’re creating it—is one of the most powerful things we can do to stay motivated to go after our goals. ᯽ Jesse Giunta Rafeh is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and certified success coach. Rafeh launched her company Live Better Today in 2005. She is a TEDx speaker and international best-selling author of Life Launch: A Roadmap to an Extraordinary Adulthood. The book combines powerful lessons from her psychotherapy clients as well as her experiences growing up. Life Launch includes profound yet practical strategies for coping with anxiety and depression, creating an ideal career, and sustaining healthy relationships.

·

M EXPERT

·

INCREASE MUSCLE TONE and DEFINITION X-Tone is a Game Changer

C

OULD YOUR NE W YE AR’S RESOLUTIONS USE THE SAME JOLT MANY OTHER SOUTH BAY MEN AND WOMEN ARE GET TING?

A trending technology sculpting this year’s best beach bodies may be just the boost you need to finally achieve your fitness goals.

It’s February. How are those resolutions going? Tired of avoiding that mirror because even though you’re doing exactly what that twenty-something Instagram influencer preaches about peaches, those glutes aren’t lifting. Still dreaming of sculpting that six pack but a certain stubborn inch won’t give even with a new routine?

Enter Precision Slim’s X-Tone treatment - a quantum leap forward from a time-proven principle. X-Tone doesn't rely on electrical currents. Instead, it generates an exponentially stronger, yet safe, electromagnetic field.

Jose… and only we’ve got it. So that’s cool.”

During the 30-minute X-Tone treatment, the muscles are contracted 49,500 times with high frequency and high intensity, which cannot be achieved in general exercise! During a recent study, muscle mass increased by an average of 16% and the average fat loss achieved was 19%.

“That’s what I love. I’ve done other body sculpting but X-Tone was a game changer for me because it transformed my body in ways diet and exercise were never able to do before,” says the happy client. “It’s done wonders for my confidence.”

We talked with someone who took the plunge. Ryan is a C-Suite sales professional, mom to a teenage daughter and a still-competitive athlete who also does fitness model competitions. She now believes there’s no way even the most mindful fitness adherent can compete with the results X-Tone provides.

“I’ve been weight-lifting and dieting for almost my entire adult life and I was never able to get as lean as I did with these treatments. But best of all,’ as she proudly shows her personal photos to prove it, “I’m finally getting a booty at an age when most other gals’ glutes are headed south!”

So how does it work?

Imagine a device that works your muscles faster, better and deeper than your own brain and body could ever do. Now imagine it produces results you may never even thought possible - much less accomplish yourself - all from a simple 30-minute session on your back.

Too much to believe? Elite exercise physiologists have long known the power of the simple electrical current to stimulate muscles for strength gains and muscle building.

“The X-Tone works by super-maximal contraction,” according to Mia, a MasterSlimmer at Precision Slim.

“Because these super-contractions require a large energy supply, the fat cells next to the muscle are also consumed, leading to a natural fat reduction.”

“It’s really the first time there’s been a body contouring technology that effectively reduces fat while building muscle,” another Precision Slim MasterSlimmer casually mentions as she begins a client’s session. “We feel like we’ve brought the holy grail of body transformation from Europe to San

By reducing abdominal fat while building a muscle foundation under the fat, patients achieve a slimmer and more athletic body contour. When applied to the glutes, it gives a more weight-lifting, sporty body shape.

Unlike other medical technologies for fat reduction that incorporate heat or cold, X-Tone carries no risk of burns, scars or swelling. Nor will muscle movements caused by X-Tone damage other joints or bones of the body. The recommended treatment plan is four half-hour sessions, within two weeks. The best results will be seen after three months, and will continue to improve after six months.

Is it an unfair advantage? Ryan believes discipline and positive behavior have limits.

“Look, I did the work and I still do the work.

You eat right, you work hard but there’s only so far your own body can go with genes, willpower, down to even knowing how to connect those tiny muscle fibers you want to target. But this treatment does what I couldn’t.”

“Everyone should try this! You won’t regret it.

Just look at my pictures,” Ryan beams.᯽

Downtown Willow Glen 1114 Brace Avenue, San Jose P: 408-669-0310 booking@precisionslim.com Precisionslim.com

·

FE ATURE

·

Mothers & Daughters

Facing and breaking through the complexity of the mother-daughter relationship

By D I A N E D A N V E R S S I M M O N S

A

week after my sixteenth birthday, my mother cornered me in the kitchen and announced, “I’m leaving tomorrow.

I’m done. I’ve given you and your father sixteen years of my life and you’re big and ugly enough to take care of the dog, your father, and yourself.”

Actually, the dog arrived when I was eight, but that’s fifty-six years in a dog’s life; clearly she loved the dog more. Time had erased that Mother had singlehandedly run a business, “artfully” inherited a number of houses, and now, wanted her independence back. She walked out on us, leaving me to pick up the pieces.

I was caught in a ball of confusion and hurt, split down the middle, as I teetered between the convenience of her living next door and the inconvenience of witnessing her unapologetic abandonment each time I exited my home.

I’ve always, and still, refer to my mother as a complex, unapologetic, colorful, and yes, even narcissistic, character.

But I believe how we choose to frame our relationships with our mothers— including the words we use to describe the relationship—matters! Many use the word “toxic,” but I never have. Toxic is such a harsh word, one that poisons our memories and is harmful to our own wellbeing and core relationships. I choose not to dwell in the negativity of the past, a past I have faced but cannot change.

Instead, I have used the lessons learned and experiences I’ve had to be the best version of myself to my own daughter.

Here’s how we can begin to break the cycle of the complex of mother-daughter relationship: 24

•

M

1

Dig deep.

When we dig deep we better understand what impacted our mother’s lives and that their actions towards us, however painful, was based on their life experiences—not us—and the fact they never faced them. But we do have a choice, and that is to change the pattern and, in doing so, reflect on how that has impacted our own lives. Digging deep refreshes our perspective.

2

Accept limitations.

I know what it feels like when a mother makes a promise in the moment and then continually lets you down. But I also came to know and accept my mother’s limitations and learned to manage my expectations.

At a young age I recognized and

accepted mum’s limited capacity to show affection because I knew something was lost, that she loved me but couldn’t express love the way my father did.

3

Encourage trust and evolution. For mothers, children need to know and trust that you’re willing to be fully engaged when they need you.

Engagement where we hear and see our daughters and are open to what they are trying to say and contribute. Honest engagement is the foundation of any relationship enabling trust, clarity, and evolution.

Continued evolution together through the ever-changing phases of the mother-daughter relationship, as well as individually, is paramount.

4

Honoring dreams and time together. Honoring my daughter’s dreams and my own makes us feel whole. I made that decision, at the tender age of

16, to be involved in my child’s life but not to control it. I have worked to create a deeper, more connected relationship by spending time with her, cooking together, sharing a meal, doing the day-to-day activities, as well as going beyond the day-to-day comfort zone together. It doesn’t matter what happens in the world; she can trust that I will always make time and be the safe place she can come to for love, honesty, and advice.

5

Stop judging. What I know is “even a mothers love can be imperfect.” We can’t judge our mothers by the worst things they’ve done, but by the good – even just bringing us into the world is something I’m grateful for. I survived my mother leaving and the turmoil it caused because I had a strong foundation in those early years. She toughened me up for the world and, as my daughter phrases it, “I looked to the love.”

The love my father had always given me, my sister, my close friends. I didn’t always like it but I accepted my mother was flawed, and somehow, I also knew she just couldn’t help herself.

My childhood shaped the person I am today. I learned to listen to both sides of a story, to have an open mind so I could navigate and flourish in the pure absurdity and beauty of life and people while finally understanding I can’t fix everything, and the importance of setting boundaries. Ultimately, our mothers are flawed just like the rest of us, but for all the pain mine caused, she also gave me the gifts of acceptance, resilience, and the courage to honor and write my own story.

Breaking the cycle of a complicated mother-daughter relationship is possible, but first you may have to look at the

story from your mother’s point of view and, if possible, ask those sometimes uncomfortable questions of who she was, is, and perhaps yet to be. And then, hopefully, you’ll find a greater capacity for compassion, love, and forgiveness—the root of our humanity. ᯽

Diane Danvers Simmons is a mother, world traveler, writer, film-maker, keynote speaker, podcast creator and host, reiki master, women’s empowerment activist and advocate Her inter-generational podcast, Mothers & Daughters Unfiltered, aims to create a community of informed and empowered women of all ages through curious, compassionate, candid and action-oriented conversation, with the core belief that we are not alone and that we are stronger together. Her new memoir, My Mother Next Door, explores her own motherly abandonment.

To learn more about Diane, visit mothersanddaughtersunfiltered.com.

• New Roof • Re-roofs • Roof Repairs & Maintenance • Gutters Installation & Repairs • Mobile Home Re-Roof, Repairs & Coating

A TOOLBOX FOR TEEN ANXIETY Selected excerpts from Conquering Fear: One Teen’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety

By C A R T E R W E I N S T E I N

M

Y NAME IS CARTER WEINSTEIN. I am an 18-year-old high school senior born in New York and raised in Texas. At first glance, I may seem like any other busy student who takes school seriously. I work hard in my classes, strive to make good grades, play sports, and participate in community service projects.

I also spend time on social media and hang out with my friends.

Like many of my peers, I have been faced with a challenge that has affected me for my whole life—severe anxiety.

Despite the recent focus in schools on both mindfulness and mental health, there seems to be a lack of first-hand personal perspectives. I’m here to change that.

Before I dive into some tips and tricks that help me work through my anxiety, a couple of important notes: First, for the most part, I worked with a coach/therapist over time to identify many of these tools. Some of the things we discussed worked, and some did not. It took time to curate a good “toolbox” for my anxiety. Also, there are some small modifications I made on my own along the way that helped to really personalize the strategies for me.

Second—and super important—these tools work for me but may not work for you. I am simply presenting them so you know there are tactics out there that can help. If

26

•

M

you choose, you can use these as starting points when you are ready to start developing your own coping strategies with a parent or counselor.

Here We Go! First, establish your goal. Although you could decide your motivation is to completely expel any stressful events/emotions from your life, that kind of goal would almost be setting yourself up for failure. With so many life changes ahead, some anxiety is inevitable for everyone. Instead, what if your goal were to lower your anxiety response to some of your triggers?

Deep Breathing and Meditation You don’t need any equipment besides your lungs and your mind for deep breathing and meditation, so they are always accessible!

There is a proven biochemical effect that takes place in your body—relaxing the mind—when you can take calm, deep breaths.

The focus inspiring these breaths is the meditation part.

As easy as it is to suggest these tactics, I understand it could be hard to employ them when your anxiety is high. There are many books and easy-to-use apps available to help you practice, so you won’t have to look far for guidance. But practice is key so that you’re ready with the tools when you need them.

Visualization Visualization is the process by which you form a mental image of something. The impact of visualization has been significant

·

F E AT U R E

for me. Whether I am trying to pull myself out of a stressful situation, or charting future plans/success, it has been an incredibly impactful tactic.

When you feel as if you are consumed and inundated by negative emotions, imagine yourself in a place where your anxiety levels are near zero. Once you are there, open your eyes and realize that moment of panic does not last forever.

There is a world existing outside of your anxious bubble. I cannot stress this enough: Whatever you are feeling right this minute, you’ll probably be feeling something different five minutes from now.

Distraction Redirecting your mind with outside influences can also work. Whether it’s a means of entertainment (movies, video games, etc.), a book or magazine, or even music, focusing on characters, plot lines or lyrics can also be meditative and help redirect negative thinking. It just takes a minute to focus on another situation to get untwisted from an anxious spiral. Distraction stimulates subconscious relaxation. When the show or song is over, I re-emerge, often with a new perspective and a cleared mind.

Exercise Exercise is essential to managing both acute and generalized anxiety. Although I play sports both in and outside of school, that’s not where my level of activity stops. Your physical activity doesn’t have to be anything competitive. If you like yoga classes or playing tennis at the local rec center, that’s great. By taking part in any kind of aerobic activity, you are not only helping your body to release stressful toxins but you are also focusing on something other than your anxiety.

Sleep When you’re sleep-deprived, everything you have to manage seems bigger and more cumbersome than it actually is. It sounds so basic, but we all need a good night’s sleep—and scientists are continuing to discover more and more reasons why that’s true. It is really hard in high school when you have so many things on your mind—so much you need to do and so much you want to do—to put your schoolwork away, get off social media, put your phone down, and go to sleep. Even when I’m exhausted, I’ll continue to scroll through TikTok. According to the U.S. Center for Disease Control, teenagers ages thirteen through eighteen should average eight to ten hours of sleep per night. Set the alarm for yourself every night, guaranteeing that you will be in bed by that specific time. You may even need to put your phone outside your room so that you won’t be tempted to pick it up.

Medication For some people, medication can become an integral part of addressing anxiety. Each one of us is absolutely unique. Many people never need medication. Others might determine with a professional that a prescription should be implemented right away or may be part of their plan down the road.

·

Please note that you should never take any medication without oversight of a physician and the consent of your parents or guardian. Your medical doctor (pediatrician, psychiatrist, etc.) is the only professional who can give you appropriate advice about whether or not medication could be helpful for you—and if so, which one.

Just like therapy itself, I believe the use of anti-anxiety medication should never be stigmatized. If I had atrial fibrillation (irregular heart palpitations), a cardiologist would not hesitate to put me on medication if that were appropriate. No one would ever think less of me for taking it; I wouldn’t think less of myself, either. Doctor-prescribed medication for challenges related to your mind should be just the same—no stigma, no judgment.

No Matter What You Try . . .

Don’t give up. It’s easy to try any of these coping mechanisms—or ones that you identify for yourself—once and then give up. Maybe you just don’t get the hang of meditation the first time you try it. Or you put your phone away, sleep straight through one night and still feel anxious the next day. With that said, if you cycle through a specific method a few times and you still don’t feel it has any benefit, definitely move on. You don’t want to stick with something that’s not working when a better coping mechanism could be just around the corner.

But never give up hope. You will find what works for you.

Find a partner to join your team. Whether it’s a parent, a school counselor, or a coach, having some adult in your corner will make things easier for you to navigate options and stay committed. There is no shame in seeking out help.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to talk about your anxiety. You will be shocked to find out how many people around you have similar struggles—even though their struggles might look different than yours. Sharing your journey will not only take a huge weight off your shoulders, but you may also find that your openness helps others. That in and of itself is therapeutic and rewarding.

I hope you are as excited as I am for you. I know how hard it is. I have been there. And I will be back there again.

Remember, you are never alone. ᯽

Carter Weinstein is a freshman at Georgetown University and the author of Conquering Fear: One Teen’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. Carter hopes to get this book into the hands of every incoming high school freshman or college freshman, so out of the gate, they know that everyone has struggles and they are not alone.

M

•

27

·

S V K

KID

STUFF

·

goodnight, sleep tight Make bedtime the best time with some of our favorite products designed for a snuggly and comfortable night’s sleep for all.

Comtomo Baby Bottle Bundle Little Unicorn II Cotton Muslin Swaddle Blanket Set One to swaddle, one to cuddle, one to nurse! Featuring three handpainted prints that fit your unique style, Little Unicorn swaddles are crafted in lightweight and breathable cotton muslin and get softer with every wash. littieunicorn.com, $45

Nuby + Dove Splish Splash Bath Time Gift Set A perfect mix of quality and affordability, try the Dove you know and love for baby bath products!

Luscious, hypoallergenic, and tear-free plus the Nuby stacking cups are an absolute bath time favorite. A great shower gift, too. amazon.com, $45

Give nursing mama a nighttime break with these soft and squeezy bottles made to mimic breastfeeding. Parents will love the smart, non-leaking dual air-vents to prevent colic, truly wide-neck design for easy cleaning, and hygienic silicone material. comotomo.com, buybuybaby.com, $47.99

The Allay Lamp Designed by a team of entrepreneurs and a NASA engineer, this lamp emits a soothing, natural glow designed to help women manage nightly sleep routines, alleviate headaches, ease stress and anxiety, and even aide insomniacs, nursing mothers and overwhelmed parents in calming their mind for peaceful, high-quality sleep. allaylamp.com, $179

Dr. Noze Best

Bedtime Books from Simon & Schuster ● Angelina Ballerina & the Valentine’s Day Surprise

● Daniel Tiger I Love My Teacher ● PJ Masks Race Into the Night

You can’t go wrong with S&S Children’s Publishing and their vast collection of kids’ favorites.

Familiar characters with positive messages about manners, helping others, and making bedtime fun. simonandschuster.com and amazon.com, $9.99

The battle of the stuffy nose – a mom’s nemesis. Help baby breathe, sleep, and eat better during cold season with a battery-powered suction device designed to clear congestion. Three levels of hospital grade suction and it’s portable, rechargeable, and easy to clean. drnozebest. com, $119.99

M

•

29