PoPo

婆 婆

This zine is dedicated to my grandmother, Pan Ai Ming.

I love you.

婆婆, o r P o - P o , m e a n s ‘ g r a n d m o t h e r f r o m t h e m o t h e r ’ s s i d e ’ in Mandarin.

I last talked to my own grandmother in December 2016. She is 85, I am 21. We cannot communicate very well because I don’t speak Mandarin and she no longer speaks English. But even in my childhood memories, I cannot recall ever directly speaking to each other. All conversations have always been through an interpreter, most often my mother.

The following interview is no different. As you continue forward, please keep in mind the limitations language offers and the unreliability of translation.

欢迎

My sister and I are the only grandchildren who don’t speak Chinese(our Nie-Nie and Yé-Ye’s dead Taishan dialect, Mandarin, Cantonese,etc...). Although often incredibly sad and limiting, this is also funny because we are also the only grandchildren to visit regularly. Like many other Sino peoples, my parents believe in the concept of ‘filial piety’ or 孝(xiào). Dating back to Confucianism, it is the belief in the importance of respecting and treasuring parental figures and ancestors. Growing up, my parents would make sure to see my grandparents weekly.

Most weekends we would drive to San Francisco to visit, first to the 7th avenue house and then later on to the apartment on Clement.

In the early years my grandfather would be there, albeit already suffering from the late stages of alzheimers.

By the time I was old enough to form concrete memories of him, he no longer recognized who I was. I suppose this is just as well becaue I couldn’t have communicated with him anyways.

I started this project in the wake of my paternal grandfather’s death, thinking of maternal love and guidance, the importance of untold diaspora stories, language barriers, and the motherland.

-Marissa

Q: What is you name?

A: My name is Pan Ai Ming, but Pan is not the real name that I was born with, but rather my married name.

Q: Where were you born?

A: I‘m from Canton province*, in the Taishan area. But before the war

I lived in Nanjing for five years. We moved to the Sichuan province after. I didn’t speak Cantonese when I was little, I spoke the Sichuan dialect. When we moved to Canton, then I learned Cantonese.

Back then we had no technology, it was not like today. It was a very good life. We could go crazy and run outside. We played jump rope and kicking the ball with your feet and we played in the mud. At night we would always play hide and seek. That area of Sichuan was countryside and in the back was all mountains where there where graveyards. These were the ancestor’s tombs. We were very brave and we weren’t scared and we would hide there. We wouldn’t even give it a second thought to play there. I really enjoyed that time. It was a time that was very carefree.

*China has a total of 23 provinces, one of which is Taiwan, although it is no actually controlled by the PRC. These political divisions are one level of classification used by the central governement, although they do have some political autonomy.

*The Nanjing Massacre(Dec. 13, 1937) was a six week episode of mass murder and mass sexual assault during the Second Sino-Japanese War when Japanese troops captured the city of Nanjing, what was then the capital of the Chinese republic. Over a quarter of a million people were killed.

Q: Why did you leave?

A: When Nanjing fell* during the war we moved to the Taishan Area. My

father worked in Guangzhou so thats where we moved. This was when I got sick with yellow fever. Every morning I would start of the mornings with fevers. I would have two blankets on me and I would be shuddering all day, and at night I would be cold all the time. The medicine we had at the time couldn’t cure it so I was bedridden for about a month and slowly, slowly it started to go away. But since it went away my health was never as good as before.

Later on my father went back to Nanjing but my mother and I stayed behind, she also wasn’t feeling well. And two days before Nanjing got captured my father took the last airplane to Taiwan. And in Taiwan he did the paperwork to bring us over. About 1949. We took a boat from Guangzhou but I get seasick and don’t remember the entire trip.

Q: What was life like in Taiwan?

A: We lived in the Southern part of Taiwan and I tested into the one

of the best girls schools. I have really good memories of that school and still call my of my friends to see how they are doing still. Afterwards, I got into a good high school where I learned English and learned to type. My typing I got the job that led me to my future husband, William Pan. We started dating but later on my father got a job in Taipei and at that point I told him that we should break up. He asked me to marry him and I said “No I don’t want to marry you. I want to go back to Taipei.” I told him I would give him a year and if he could transfer to the North then we could get married but if not then it would be the end.

In Taipei there were many suitors, and some were better off in education and social status, but your grandfather was actually very persistant and came up in half a years time. I decided to stay with him because what he did to transfer up was that he was actually up for promotion but he made himself fall back two years.

I’m older now, I’m in my eighties, married sixty years. If I look back there were a lot of really hard times, but then theres also some really fond memories too.

Q: Can you tell me about grandpa’s childhood?

A: Grandpa is what they call a Guer(without dad child). And how

that happened was that when his mom was pregnant she wanted to eat fish. They lived in the country side and so he went to the river to catch her a fish. But then he had a cramp in his leg and couldn’t move. Unlike now when we have cellphone, he just stayed in the river and he drowned. So he never came back with the fish.

So he was born without a dad. But back then people lived with multi-generational, they didn’t just live on their own. His mom went to live with her in-laws, her husband’s mom and his dad. His grandpa owned a general grocery store with candy and other food. And grandpa would go out and play with the other kids, and when he came back he would take candy and cookies for everybody. He did this for long time and one day his grandpa found out and hit him and scolded him and said “How am I going to make any business. The kids don’t come because they get everything from you.”

But even though he was scolded he was also very spoiled because he was the only child. He said that he loved to eat fish and he wouldn’t eat dinner unless there was fish on the table every night.

When he was 13 and the communist... and the war was stating in China*, his friends all told him that they were going to somewhere else, to another part of China to go and study. He told his parents that he wanted to go as well. He wanted to go and get educated. They were all thirteen. His mom didn’t want him to go but his own grandfather talked her into it. He said if they came they would just get recruited as soldiers and it would be a hard life. It would be better if he tried to make something of himself.

Back then, theres no train or anything and they walked a good part of the way, or took bus, or hitched rides. It took many days and when they finally got there life was hard. He learned to fend for himself with his school friends and graduated from there and went to high school. But afterwards he didn’t have any means. His friends were all going to apply for military school and since he had no money, no connections, and he couldn’t even phone home, he decided to apply too.

*The Second Chinese Civil War (or Chinese Communist Revolution) started after the Japanese surrender at the end of the Second Sino-Japanese War in 1945. Chiang Kai-shek, nominally democratic, supported by the US, was the leader of the Chinese Nationalist Government at the time. But as the war against Mao Zedong and the communist party continued on, a victory seemed unlikely.

*The Kuomintang was the Chinese Nationalist Party led by Chiang Kai-shek, a man my grandfather greatly admired. When they lost in 1949 and Mao estalished the People’s Republic of China, the remaining KMT forces fled to Taiwan. Here Chiang Kai-shek set up a governemnt and for a very long time this island was recognized as the legitimate government of China. We must we clear here though that it was in fact essentially colonization that was occurring.

Later on when they were fighting in Shanghai he went to fight too.

They lost the war and he became a prisoner. (Fight for who?) Against the communists. He was part of the KMT group, the Kuomintang. This was when Mao was coming to power. They captured him as a criminal and they had him walking. He didn’t walk very fast and they kept telling him to hurry up. Somewhere along they way he saw his chance and he escaped through the bushes and went into hiding. And thankfully for him the communists didn’t find him and he hid until they left. Later on he walked for days until he came upon a family and they gave him congee to eat and clothes to get out of his military clothes.It was the best congee he said he ever ate and he always remembered it. He made his way back to Shanghai and from there he traveled to Taiwan. (So he never saw his family ever again?) No he never saw his family ever again. That was one of his regrets.

That was how him and me met. After we got married and we had a kid every two years. For the most part they were all pretty good and easy to take care of. We lived in a part near the university where I worked where there was a lot of families. Back then life was a lot harder. its not like now where you have all the modern conveniences.

To make dinner you had to have... wood and make a fire. Sometimes the fire wouldn’t start and it would take a long time to make dinner.

Q: When did you come to the US? A: We came to United States around 1972 because back them in Taiwan

it was very hard for kids to get into college. It was all based on score and ranking and we wanted to make sure that the kids could have a better life and could get educated. Also, all my siblings and parent were in the United States. Only me and my brother were left.

Grandpa was also very keen to come. So my parents sponsered us.

When we first came it was very hard to get work because I couldn’t speak English so I just take ad hoc work. Things like sewing piece meal, I would try and go look if they had any piece meal at the factory or me to sew. At night we would go learn English at community college.

Later on I got lucky and I passed a test for typing. Back then it was still key punch and I got into city hall. I worked there for five years and from there I took a test and I got in PG&E and I worked there for 27 years, until my seventies.

Grandpa worked as a janitor for Crocker bank at night. We would leave around 3’o’clock and get home around 1 in the morning. Back then we could afford school for the kids. I don’t know how parents do it today, I don’t know how they afford it. Back then it was only about six or seven hundred dollars a semester. By the time it got to your mom we couldn’t afford it and your mom basically paid her own school.

Around that time grandpa had early onset of alzheimers. I was still working but when I retired to stay home with him. I did everything around the house to help but now I look back and I realize that was wrong because then it came fast. He in four years time got worse then before because now he just relied on me. He died four years later and I haven’t been lucky because since then I’ve had five falls. Every time I have to stay in one of those.. care places for months. Now I rely on a walker but my hope is that I can get back to a cane. I think I can do it.

Q: Do you have any advice?

A: When you’re young you have many hopes and dreams. I had many hopes

and dreams. There are three things I would like to tell young p eople. The first is don't wait until you are old to do something. I'm not trying to say everyones life is like this but for my life it turned out like this. I really loved school and I always wanted to improve my English. I wanted to go back after I retired but in 2006 I had my first fall and I had to retire on disability. Timing is not with you, circumstance is not is with you, energy may not be with you. Not to wait until your old to do it.

Take better care of your health as you go along. I have had many falls since retirement and your mom has been the main one taking care of me. If I had maybe taken better care of myself its easier for myself and also for the kids.

Also don't spend all your money on this and that. Put it into investment. This is the things I wish I had done.

Q: What are you most proud of?

A: I don’t think I have anything to be proud of. I have failed as a mom, a daughter, and a wife.

I have fallen so many times and its created a lot of problems for my kids.

And for my mom, when she was ill I had fallen and couldn't go and take care of her.

When grandpa he had alzheimers for a really long time. It wasn't until late that I tried to look for ways to help him fix it. Before that i just went to work and came home.

*

*My grandmother always wanted to continue her education but has never been able. When her oldest daughter, Stella, graduated college, she tried on her robes to have this picture taken. She is less than 5ft tall.

Shirley, 3rd oldest Martha, 2nd oldest

Grandma My mom, Nancy, the youngest

Stella, the oldest John, 2nd youngest

Stella’s husand

Mom

Me

Cami, my sister