Military Press, Feb. 1, 2018

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FR TA K E E O E N !

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BORDER WAR Mexico is winning without firing a shot

T

he Mexican government said a while back that it would take all of the southwestern United

by Richard T. Matz States without firing a single shot, and that if we do not protect our borders this will happen sooner than later.

I know a lot of people are sympathetic to illegal immigrants, but would those people be willing to support them with their own money? That means absolutely no benefits from United States taxpayers!

The liberal Democrats want open borders so they can add millions of illegal aliens to their party. They want to ensure in the coming years that Republican candidates will never get elected to the presidency or congress. These liberal Democrats want to continually add more taxes to pay for and control these new members that they know will join their party. Proof positive of this is what’s happening in California, with Jerry Brown continually seeking more taxes through any means, and he and his super majority push through, unopposed.

Isn’t it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many people, but our benefits don’t? How can the federal government asked U.S. citizens to pay back student loans, when illegal aliens are receiving a free education? I can’t quite figure out how you can proudly waive the flag of another country but consider it punishment to send them back there.

Only in America are legal citizens labeled� racists� and “Nazis,� but the illegal aliens are called “Dreamers.� Liberals say, “If confiscating all guns saves just one life, it’s worth it.� Well then, if deporting all illegals saves just one life, wouldn’t that be worth it as well?

PUBLISHER’S POINT

Chain migration

Chain migration under federal law is the process by which green card holders or legal U.S. residents may sponsor a family member for immigration to the United States. It is the most common legal form of immigration to United States.

BORDER, continued on Page 8

remember when...

1972

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FOCUS ON DEFENSE Page 4 'FC 1

TIME FOR SOME SERIOUS ‘POOP TALK’

By Jeri Jacquin MilitaryPress

C

oming to theaters this February for a squat near you is director Aaron Feldman, Comedy Dynamics and Party of Seven Entertainment’s idea of “Poop Talk.�

First, let me say this review is probably like none that I have ever done before because someone has finally decided to go where no camera, other than a colonoscopy cam, has ever gone before. Letting the lights, camera and action focus on what we don’t talk about — poop.

Let’s be honest folks, we all try to avoid that awkward conversation about one of the most natural things in the world — going to the bathroom. This docu-comedy decides to break the toilet paper ceiling and let it all loose. Who better to get the conversation rolling than people who make us laugh about everything (sometimes until we pee), oh, and a few experts in the field.

Starting with stories of their growing up and the family feelings toward pooping to how it affects relationships between men and women, there isn’t a moment that won’t make you laugh. Sharing their most embarrassing moments to the verbiage used to describe their experiences — there is no restroom barrier!

But the poop talk doesn’t stop there.

City Ballet is offering discounted tickets to “Giselle,� running March 9 through 11.

Ballet offers romantic double-up

By Bob Morey | MilitaryPress

Now that the bathroom door is open we also get a look inside to discover if these funny people are one-ply, three-ply, baby wipes or even bidet users, not to mention Adam Carolla’s use of the brushed nickel toilet paper cover. The pride begins to slide out with descriptions of warming toilet seats, the temperature of bidet water

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February has that one special day for romance — Valentine’s Day. That day when we get the card that says “I love you,� roses and chocolates, then out a dinner we hope will be remembered.

Now here is a perfect way to double it up.

Get your tickets for City Ballet of San Diego. City Ballet is presenting one of the greatest ballet love stories ever staged with “Giselle� March 9 through 11 at the Speckles Theatre. That gives you two nights of romance.

The story is set in Germany during the Renaissance age. A young and innocent peasant girl, Giselle, falls in love with Albrecht, a nobleman pretending to be a peasant boy. Giselle is shocked to discover that Albrecht is engaged to marry a princess. She goes insane from grief and suddenly dies of a broken heart.

One night Giselle rises from her grave and finds Albrecht surrounded by a large group of evil ghostly spirits who try to dance Albrecht to death. Giselle intervenes and shows the power of forgiveness and the true meaning of love. “Giselle is one of the most romantic story ballets in the world,� says Artistic Director Steven Wistrich. “Our company is proud that our artists are technically capable and mature enough to bring the complex characters to life.�

Now here is where the next double up comes in. City Ballet is offering you the readers of the Military Press a 50 percent discount for all three shows in Sections A, B, C and D. Just go online to www.cityballet.org and use the discount code MilitrayPress.

Don’t miss City Ballet’s thrilling artists as they bring this magical and haunting ballet to life, staged by Elizabeth Wistrich with enchanting scenery and costumes to Adolph Adam’s melodious score accompanied by The City Ballet Orchestra with John Nettles conJeri Jacquin is the Movie Maven. For more on ducting. All this and you get your doufilms and television, go to http://moviemaven. ble double up on the romance. homestead.com.

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and convenient remotes to be extra comfy on the porcelain throne.

Come on — there are ads that tell us to “enjoy the go� and ads featuring spray to cover up poop smell, or how about the Squatty Potty, complete with prince and unicorns?

Comedians like Kumail Nanjiani, Nicole Byer, Adam Carolla, Rob Corddry, Nikki Glaser, Pete Holmes, Eric Stonestreet, Randy and Jason Sklar, Nick Swardson and Dr. Drew Pinsky are just a monkey’s handful of people who openly share where they have pooped and where they absolutely won’t.

Comedy Dynamics is one of the largest independent comedy production and distribution companies, producing Kevin Hart’s “Guide to Black History,� Animal Planet’s “Animal Nation� with Anthony Anderson and History’s “Join or Die� with Craig Ferguson. Working with such comedic talent as Kevin Hart, Jim Gaffigan, Katt Williams and many more you can see what more they have to offer at www.comedydynamics.com. “This film has been a labor of love, done with friends and family help and support,�

Feldman says. “The Sklar’s Jason and Randy, our Executive Producers are amazing and without them this could not have been made. I want to thank them for the faith in a vision and a seemingly high brow approach to a low brow subject.� “Poop Talk� really does bring humor to a topic that shouldn’t cause us all to get backed up or stressed, but still does. Seriously, if you are a human being and you eat then you are going to end up, as Rob Corddry would say, working it out.

This is the best docu-comedy I’ve seen in some time!

In the end — it’s all about our ends!

AMBLING & GAMBLING Silver Legacy a favorite TRAVELS WITH HIAN

spot in the Silver State

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evada’s nickname is “The Silver State,� and is home to a casino resort on my list of favorite places to stay and play — the Silver Legacy Resort Casino in Reno.

Ambling

Hotels have their own personality, so after my speedy check-in, I wandered around to catch the vibe. I discovered restaurants, shops, entertainment venues, bars/nightclubs, the casino, race/sports book and the poker room. I stopped by the Player’s Booth and signed up for ONE Club. Think of it as a frequent flyer program for the resort, providing benefits for slot play, dining, accommodations, special offers, etc.

One of my discoveries was walking from the Silver Legacy’s lobby to its Mezzanine (can’t miss it, there is a three story high mining rig!). If you turn left you can amble over to Circus Circus, and heading right leads you to the Eldorado. They are

by Howard Hian

connected indoors, tripling your opportunities for fun. Pick up a Resort Passport which contains $125 in discounts for entertainment, drinks, shows, massages, food, and gaming for all three properties (they are owned by the same company).

Gambling

There’s something for everyone: More than 1,200 slots, 85 table games, including Pai Gow, a new race/sports book and keno.

The real reason for my visit was to check out Silver Legacy’s new $1.8 million poker room, which is part of an overall $50 million dollar resort renovation plan. Newly located in the main casino, it is open 24 hours, is non-smoking and features daily Hold ‘em tournaments, as well as limit and no-limit cash games. Note: they serve great free donuts and coffee in the morning.

The legendary Margie Heintz runs the poker room. Margie started dealing when

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Silver Legacy Resort Casino recently put its poker room through a $1.8 million renovation.

Montana first legalized gambling. She is a link to the golden days in Las Vegas, where she was the first woman invited to deal at the World Series of Poker in 1977 by gaming icon Benny Binion. Margie knew the early legends: Bill Boyd, Jack Strauss,

Puggy Pearson, Johnny Moss, Amarillo Slim and Texas Dolly — Doyle Brunson.

In 2011, she was deservedly elected to the Women’s Poker Hall of Fame.

AMBLING, continued on Page 12

'FC 3

Griffin out in LA, on to Detroit Blake Griffin is ready for the next chapter of his basketball career.

The All-Star forward tweeted out a statement to thank the LA Clippers’ fans and the city of Los Angeles after he was traded to the Detroit Pistons.

The 28-year-old Griffin had been the face of the Clippers, and in July he agreed to a $171 million, five-year deal, ending a brief flirtation with free agency.

While a free agent in the 2017 offseason, Griffin met with Clippers owner Steve Ballmer, coach Doc Rivers and several players at Staples Center in a celebration of his career. At the end of the two-hour fete, Griffin rose and spoke, telling teammates, his coach and the owner, “I want my legacy to be a Clipper.�

In Detroit, LeBron James lamented that trades like Griffin’s are considered part of the business, while players who explore free agency are blamed for being disloyal. “When a player gets traded, it’s, ‘They was doing what’s best for the franchise.’ Looking to shore up the defense, the Chargers could pick Washington’s defensive tackle Vita Vea in Round 1 of the NFL Draft.

But when a player decides to leave, it’s, ‘He’s not loyal. He’s a snake. He’s not committed.’ It’s just, that’s the narrative of how it goes. So I’m definitely [aware],� he said. “I know that firsthand.�

Griffin will wear jersey No. 23 with the Pistons, making the switch to the Eddie Brown, Union-Tribune, 1st same number he wore in college at Mock Draft, Two Rounds: Oklahoma. His previous jersey number, Round 1, Pick No. 17: Vita Vea, DT, 32, is not available in Detroit because Washington the Pistons had retired it in honor of “The Chargers had the second-worst Richard Hamilton. run defense in the NFL this season. Vea is

by Art Garcia Jr. the anchor in the middle this defense has Griffin is averaging 22.6 points, 7.9 rebounds and 5.4 assists in 33 games n our second look into the various address the defense in the early rounds lacked since the days of Jamal Williams. this season, but the Clippers have been mock drafts, pundits differ as to after the rush defense finished last season The 6-foot-5, 340-pound Pac-12 defenplagued by injuries and are ninth in the sive player of the year might be the stronwhich direction the Chargers will ranked No. 31 out of 32 teams.

Western Conference standings.

Here is a glance from a few mock drafts gest prospect in the entire draft class and go after finishing second in the AFC Adding Griffin gives Detroit’s frontWest with a 9–7 record. With needs at the and a quote from the analysts regarding would have likely been a first-round seleccourt another standout player alongside DT, LB, OL and QB positions, some be- the players they believe could be donning tion had he left school a year ago.�

Andre Drummond, but it also repreVea ranks No. 29 overall by Scouts Inc., lieve General Manager Tom Telesco will a Chargers uniform in 2018. sents a clear change in course from the No. 10 overall on ESPN Draft Analyst Todd roster the Pistons had assembled. DeMcShay’s top 32 prospects list and the No. troit acquired Bradley in a trade with 1 DT on McShay’s position rankings. the Boston Celtics last offseason, but Round 2, Pick No. 48: Malik Jefferhe’s in the final season of his contract. son, ILB, Texas.

Harris has been impressive for the Pis“The co-Big 12 defensive player of the tons this season, shooting a career-best year was also named first-team All-Big 12, 41 percent from 3-point range. second-team All-American and a semifiThe Clippers drafted Griffin first nalist for the 2017 Butkus Award recogoverall out of Oklahoma in 2009. Hownizing the nation’s best linebacker.� ever, he missed the 2009-10 season afJefferson ranks No. 46 overall by Scouts ter surgery on his broken left kneecap, Inc., and the No. 7 OLB on McShay’s posithe first of several injuries that have tion rankings. marred his career.

Mel Kiper Jr., ESPN Draft Analyst, Griffin missed 21 games last season 1st Mock Draft and 47 in 2015-16 because of injuries.

Round 1, Pick No. 17: Da’Ron Payne, As a rookie, he was an All-Star, won DT, Alabama the slam dunk contest and was named “The best nose tackle in this class is NBA Rookie of the Year.

Payne, who was a monster in the College He has averaged 21.6 points, 9.3 reDRAFT, continued on Page 12 bounds and 4.2 assists in his career.

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DRAFT GUESSES: BOLT UP DEFENSE Chargers also must look at quarterbacks

I

CHARGERS REPORT

GOLF4WARRIORS BOGEY BATTLE SET FOR FEB. 10

By Bob Morey | MilitaryPress

The Us for Warriors Foundation, or more commonly known as “Us4Warriors,â€? will be holding its Annual Golf4Warriors Bogey Battle Tournament on Saturday, Feb. 10 starting at 10 a.m. at The Crossings in Carlsbad. Us4Warriors received the 2016 Veterans Allegiance Award from Veterans Museum and Memorial Center to be recognized as Top Veterans NonProfit in San Diego County and continues to make great strides in supporting our troops, veterans and their families. “Golf4Warriors is a way for those who have served to come together as a team again‌ in a fun-filled, spirited way that just happens to raise much needed funds to help our warriors, past and present,â€? says Tony Stewart, CEO/President of Us4Warriors.

Us4Warriors is a 501c3 non-profit that is dedicated to supporting the members of our armed forces, veteran’s and their families. During any given month, volunteers from Us4Warriors (they are all unpaid volunteers) can be found across our county providing programs and services that support our veteran’s community.

Golf4Warriors is just another one of the many programs, projects and events that Us4Warriors offers throughout the year.

ing to help out,� Stewart said.

Enrollment for Golf4Warriors is open to anyone that would like to come out and play. Entries are $660 per 4-man team or $180 for an individual. If you can’t make it to the course that day, you can Sponsor-aWarrior for just $120 to help subsidize the day for an active duty or wounded warrior who have expressed a desire to play. “Many warriors love to golf!� Stewart says. “It is a release from stress. It is an escape from the rigors of their day.�

Prizes will be awarded for overall 1st, 2nd and 3rd place teams. Prizes will also be awarded for Longest Drive, Closest to the Pin, Best Team Name and Best Dressed Team. There is also an all-expenses paid Pebble Beach Golf Holiday Vacation for the first hole-in-two of the day sponsored

by Charity Golf International.

Each player will receive a “goodie bag� sponsored by Pacific Golf Academy with commemorative golf ballcap, complimentary range balls and dinner at the Post Tournament Awards Dinner with prizes, activiUs4Warriors is holding its Golf4Warriors Bogey Battle in Carlsbad on Feb. 10. ties and an exclusive auction and raffle.

To register your team, go to www.GolfRecently, Us4Warriors partnered with events donated more than 65 tons of food 4Warriors.org — or to learn more about Us4Warrior and their programs, please visit the Knights of Columbus to deliver 110 to our armed forces families. “We have received a tremendous their web site at www.us4warriors.org or wheelchairs in one weekend to our veterans in need. In 2017, their Food4Warriors amount of support from people just want- email them at events@us4warriors.org

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'FC 5 1/12/18 12:05 PM

‘I very firmly believe that what unites America today is infinitely more important than those things which divide us.’ Richard Nixon 37th. U.S. President Served Jan. 20, 1969 – Aug. 9, 1974

h Chairman Mao.

munist China and meets wit

President Nixon visits Com

Bobby Fischer defeats Boris Spassky.

Spiro Agnew

39th U.S. Vice President Served Jan. 20, 1969 – Oct. 10, 1973

World events

rs.

er� hits theate

“The Godfath

t RMS Queen Elizabeth is destroyed by fire Jan. 9 in Hong Kong harbor. t Japanese soldier Soichi Yokoi is discovered Jan. 24 in Guam. He had spent 28 years in the jungle as one of the last holdouts from World War II. t The British Army kills 14 unarmed civil rights marchers in Derry, Northern Island on Jan. 30 — an incident known as “Bloody Sunday.�

t President Nixon makes an eight-day visit to the People’s Republic of China on Feb. 21 and meets with Mao Zedong. t The U.S. returns Okinawa to Japan after 27 years of occupation May 15. t A Red Army Faction bomb explodes at the U.S. Army Supreme European Command in Heidelberg, West Germany, on May 24, killing three U.S. soldiers. t President Nixon and Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev sign the Salt I treaty May 26 in Moscow. t AP photographer Nick Ut takes his Pulitzer Prize-winning photo of 9-yearold Phan Thi Kim Phuc running after

being burned by napalm June 8. t Actress Jane Fonda visits North Vietnam in July. t Bobby Fischer defeats Boris Spassky in a chess match Sept. 1 in Reykjavik, Iceland, becoming the first American world chess champion. t Eleven Israeli athletes at the Summer Olympics in Munich are murdered Sept.

5 after 8 members of the Arab terrorist group Black September invade the Olympic Village. t En route to the Gulf of Tonkin, an antiwar protest led by African-Americans and interpreted by some as a race riot involving more than 200 sailors, breaks out aboard the U.S. aircraft carrier U.S.S. Kitty Hawk on Oct. 12. Nearly 50 sailors are injured.

U.S. News

t Six men rob the safe deposit boxes of The Pierre hotel in New York City on Jan. 2 for at least $4 million. t The U.S. holds its last draft lottery Feb. 2. President Nixon would announce that those drafted would not be sent to Vietnam on June 28. t U.S. airlines begin inspecting passengers and baggage Feb. 5. t Pioneer 10 launches from Cape Kennedy on March 2. It will become the first man-made satellite to leave the solar system. t Congress sends the Equal Rights Amendment to the states for ratification March 22. t “The Godfather� is released in the United States on March 24. t Women officially run the Boston Marathon for the first time April 17. t Alabama Gov. George Wallace is shot and paralyzed May 15 during a rally in Laurel, Md. t Hurricane Agnes hits the East Coast on June 14, killing 117 people. t Five White House operatives are arrested for burglarizing the offices of the Democratic National Committee at the Wa-

Ford Mustang Mach 1 6 'FC

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remember when...

Chevrolet Chevelle

1972 COST OF LIVING

, takes

Apollo 17, the last manned mission to the moon flight.

tergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., on June 17. t The Supreme Court rules that capital punishment is unconstitutional. It would reverse itself in 1976. t Milwaukee Police arrest comedian George Carlin on July 21 for public obscenity after he recited “Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television� at Summerfest. t “The Price is Right� premieres Sept. 4 on CBS. t The television series “M*A*S*H� begins its run Sept. 17 on CBS. t The FBI hires its first female agents Oct. 25. t President Nixon wins re-election Nov. 7, defeating Democratic Sen. Goerge McGovern in a landslide. t The Dow Jones Inustrial Average closes above 1,000 for the first time Nov. 14. t Atari releases its arcade version of “Pong� on Nov. 29, kicking off the first generation of video games to have commercial success. t The last manned moon misison, Apollo 17, launches Dec. 7. “The Blue Marble� photo of earth is taken.

BORN THIS YEAR: Dwayne Johnson, actor, athlete (May 2). Above left: Shaquille O’Neal, NBA star (March 6); Jennifer Garner, actress (April 17); Octavia Spencer, actess (May 25); Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter (Oct. 28).

t t t t t t t t

“Last Tango in Paris� “Solaris� “Cabaret� “Jeremiah Johnson� “The Poseidon Adventure� “The Last House on the Left� “The Way of the Dragon� “Pink Flamingos�

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t “Heart of Gold,� Neil Young t “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,�

Roberta Flack t “Beautiful Sunday,� Daniel Boone t “Let’s Stay Together,� Al Green

t “Alone Again (Naturally),� Gilbert O’Sullivan t “Clair,� Gilbert O’Sullivan

Music t t t t

“American Pie,� Don McLean “Popcorn,� Hot Butter “Without You,� Harry Nilsson “Nights in White Satin,� The Moody Blues

Movies

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'FC 7

BORDER Continued from Page 1

Gregory Salcido, a teacher at El Rancho High School in Pico Rivera, is under fire for calling members of the military “the lowest of the low.�

White House, Pentagon fire back at teacher Kelly: ‘The guy ought to go to hell’ White House chief of staff John Kelly tore into a California high school teacher who derided military officials as “the lowest of our low.� “I think the guy ought to go to hell,� Kelly said in response to the remarks during

an interview on Fox News Radio. “I just hope he enjoys the liberties and the lifestyle that we have fought for.�

El Rancho High School teacher Gregory Salcido was reportedly placed on administrative leave after recordings revealed him

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According to the department of Homeland Security, during the past two years 400,000 immigrants were categorized as a â&#x20AC;&#x153;family-sponsored preferenceâ&#x20AC;? and 1.2 million came as immediate relatives (spouses, children or parents). Citizenship is not automatically granted to those who are sponsored by their family members in United States, and the waiting can sometimes be as short as a few months.

That means thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a possibility that 1.6 million immigrants can, through chain migration, bring in their spouses, children or parents.

Why does President Trump want to end â&#x20AC;&#x153;Chain Migration?â&#x20AC;? The White Houseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most recent immigration proposal aims to limit chain migration to only spouses and minor children, while excluding sponsorship of extended family.

Mr. Trump claims that immigrants entering the country through chain migration take jobs away from U.S. citizens and poses a threat to national security. The administration has expressed its goals to move away from chain migration and toward a merit based means of immigration, or a system that prioritizes highly educated, English speaking immigrants.

bashing the military while urging students not to enlist for service. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Think about the people who you know who are over there. Your freaking stupid Uncle Louie or whatever,â&#x20AC;? Salcido said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re dumbsh-ts. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not like highlevel thinkers, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not academic people, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not intellectual people. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Draining the swamp the lowest of our low.â&#x20AC;?

Not all Republicans were created Kelly, a former Marine Corps general equal! Proof positive: Sens. Lindsay and Secretary of Homeland Security, took Graham and Jeff Flake. They both issue with the remarks while speaking to have liberal ideas when it comes to ilFox Newsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Brian Kilmeade. legal immigrants. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re considered Kelly, who rarely gives public remarks, moderates in the Republican Party hihas spoken out on a small number of ocerarchy, but most conservative Repubcasions since entering the West Wing on licans consider them progressive leanmilitary matters. ing Democrats.

In October, Kelly forcefully defended Graham said on CNN there are peoa disputed call President Donald Trump ple around the president that have an made to the widow of a soldier killed in irrational view on immigration. Graa military ambush in Niger after a Florham has the mindset to grant amnesty ida congresswoman criticized the presito all illegal aliens, which will only lead dentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s response. to mass border crossings of illegals Earlier, the Pentagon slammed Salonce more. cido. Pentagon spokeswoman Amber Flake is beloved by some on the right Smith said the remarks by Salcido were for his fierce fiscal conservatism and â&#x20AC;&#x153;very uninformed.â&#x20AC;? opposition to earmarks: Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s earned According to the recording from a stua 100 percent rating from the Amerident at the Pico Rivera school earlier this can Conservative Union and Freedom month, Salcido referred to service memWorks. But in Arizona, immigration bers as failed students who had no other hardliners have long set their sights on option but to join up. Salcido also questhe senator for calling Arizonaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sweeptioned why military recruiters were pering stateâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;level immigration crackmitted to visit the school, comparing them downâ&#x20AC;? imprudent.â&#x20AC;? to pimps.

In a poll last year, 88 percent of regIn addition to teaching at the high istered Republican voters supported school, Salcido is a member of the Pico Rithe stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s harsh immigration laws, vera City Council and former mayor. which is probably why Flake is not The unidentified student who recorded running for office again. Flake is just Salcidoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s comments told the Orange Counone of many Republicans that will not ty Register that his father and two of his be running for office again, so Presiuncles were Marines who fought in Vietdent Trump will be fulfilling another nam, the Gulf War and Afghanistan. campaign promise of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Draining The â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think that [Salcido] should apologize Swamp!â&#x20AC;? not only to me, but to all the veterans who fought for our freedom [and] the veterRichard Matz is the publisher of the Military ans who sacrificed their lives,â&#x20AC;? he said in a Press. Send comments to rmatz@militaryvoice message to Fox News. press.com.

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'FC 9

Just for

Laughs Pop quiz

is the Bible.â&#x20AC;?

He said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?â&#x20AC;?

She replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.â&#x20AC;?

He asked, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?â&#x20AC;?

The woman said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;What if he isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t in heaven?â&#x20AC;? the man asked sarcastically. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Then you can ask him,â&#x20AC;? replied the woman.

Sorry for eating the peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so sorry, auntie, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve eaten all of your peanuts!â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s OK, dearie,â&#x20AC;? the aunt replied. â&#x20AC;&#x153;After Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve sucked the chocolate off, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t care for them anyway.â&#x20AC;?

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a sheep!â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right!â&#x20AC;? said the teacher. â&#x20AC;&#x153;How about THIS one?â&#x20AC;? she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a lion!â&#x20AC;? answered a little boy. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Right!â&#x20AC;? said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. â&#x20AC;&#x153;What does your mother call your father?â&#x20AC;?

Angelic assistance?

Johnny said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I know! Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a lazy old An old-time pastor was riding furigoat!â&#x20AC;? ously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Fear of flying There was a religious woman who had Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pasto do a lot of tor called out, traveling for her Got a funny joke you want to share? â&#x20AC;&#x153;All you angels business. Flying Send it to jokes@militarypress.com. in heaven, help made her very me get up on nervous, so she my horse!â&#x20AC;? always took her Bible along with her.

With extraordinary strength, he leaped One time, she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible, he onto the horseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s back â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and fell off the gave a little chuckle and smirk and went other side. From the ground again, he called out, â&#x20AC;&#x153;All right, just half of you angels back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and this time!â&#x20AC;? asked, â&#x20AC;&#x153;You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really believe all that stuff in there do you?â&#x20AC;?

Evening prayers The woman replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Of course I do. It A Jewish family was sitting down to din-

ner. When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have his head covered, so he asked his little brother, Henry, to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.

Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;This is important ...

Put your hand back on his head!â&#x20AC;?

Henry exclaimed, â&#x20AC;&#x153;What, am I my brotherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s kippah?â&#x20AC;?

Breakfast instructions

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Careful,â&#x20AC;? he said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re cooking! Never! Turn them!

Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!â&#x20AC;?

The wife stared at him. â&#x20AC;&#x153;What in the world is wrong with you? You think I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to fry a couple of eggs?â&#x20AC;?

The husband calmly replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m driving.â&#x20AC;?

Last request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Son, do you have a last request?â&#x20AC;? To which the man replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;The Macarenaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; for me one last time?â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Certainly,â&#x20AC;? replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Please,â&#x20AC;? said the condemned man, â&#x20AC;&#x153;kill me first.â&#x20AC;?

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A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, â&#x20AC;&#x153;He wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let me have my half of the road!â&#x20AC;?

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, â&#x20AC;&#x153;That old lady says that you wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road â&#x20AC;&#x201D; if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!â&#x20AC;?

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The Military Press is published semi-monthly on the 1st and the 15th by Military Press Publishing LLC, a commercial, free-enterprise newspaper. It does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the Department of the Navy and is no way associated with the Department of the Navy. The editorial objective of the Military Press is to promote support for a strong military presence. The opinions and views of the writers whose materials appear herein are those of the writers and not the publisher. Appearance of advertising does not constitute endorsement by the Military Press. Consumers should make informed decisions when purchasing products and services, and when considering business opportunities, and research before investing. Subscription by mail is $50 per year to CONUS or FPO addresses.

'FC 11

AMBLING

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Continued from Page 3

DRAFT

Oklahoma offensive tackle Orlando Brown ranks high on mock drafts for the Chargers.

12 'FC

Brown ranks No. 25 overall by Scouts Inc., No. 13 on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top 32 prospects Continued from Page 4 list and the No. 1 OT on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s posiFootball Playoff, even if he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always tion rankings.

The Endzone: With Philip Rivers enshow up on the stat sheet. Georgia couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t block him in the national title game. The tering the final two years of the contract Chargers are set with good, young pass- extension he signed in 2015, the Chargers rushers, but they could upgrade on Bran- need to draft a quarterback for the future. don Mebane, whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s signed for only another Aside from ESPNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s draft analyst Todd year. Payne would strengthen the belly of a McShay, who has the Chargers selecting defense that ranked last in the league in Oklahoma QB Baker Mayfield at No. 19 rushing yards per attempt allowed (4.9).â&#x20AC;? in his first mock, many believe if Telesco Kiper ranks Payne No. 17 overall on his takes a QB it will be in the later rounds. big board. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Payne (6-2, 319) is a reliable ESPNâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Eric D. Williams says it is likely presence for the Crimson Tide, and he the Chargers take a quarterback, just not might have had his best two games in the on day three of the draft. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Philip Rivers turns 37 in December and College Football Playoff. Georgia couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t block him, especially in the first quarter. is signed through the 2019 season. GenPayne isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t going to put up huge numbers eral Manager Tom Telesco hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t drafted on the stat sheet -- he has only three career a quarterback since 2013, and the Charsacks -- but he consistently beats interior gers need to start developing a succession offensive linemen and gets good push, and plan once Rivers is no longer on the team.

Telesco said he likes how developmental heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a solid prospect with some upside.â&#x20AC;?

Payne ranks No. 42 overall by Scouts prospect Cardale Jones improved during Inc., No. 18 overall on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top 32 practice reps in his first season with the prospects list and the No. 2 DT in Mc- Chargers. However, Telesco needs to add more young talent for competition among Shayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s position rankings.

Daniel Jeremiah, NFL Network Me- this position group.â&#x20AC;?

McShay put out his first mock before dia Analyst, 1st Mock Draft Round. 1, Pick No. 17: Derwin James, the regular season ended and the raft slots were determined.

S, Florida St. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Orlando Brown is an option at offenâ&#x20AC;&#x153;James was made to play in Gus Bradleyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s defenses. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a more explosive ver- sive tackle here (No. 19), but this is a good time for the Chargers to take a successor sion of Kam Chancellor.

James ranks No. 6 overall by Scouts for the 36-year-old Philip Rivers. Los Inc., No. 11 on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top 32 prospects Angeles passed on Patrick Mahomes and list and the No. 2 safety on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s posi- Deshaun Watson last draft, but Mayfield is too intriguing to pass on here. Perhaps tion rankings.

Steve Palazzolo, Pro Football Focus no other prospect has improved his stock more in 2017 than Mayfield, who was my (PFF), 2nd Mock Draft Round. 1, Pick 17: Orlando Brown, ninth-ranked QB coming into the season, with a mid-round grade. The HeisOT, Oklahoma â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Chargersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; offensive line rebuild man winner is an exceptional leader and took a step in the right direction last could play himself into the first round season, but thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still more work to do. with a good showing in the college footBrown brings a physical run-blocker and ball playoff.â&#x20AC;?

Mayfield is ranked No. 28 overall by capable pass-protector to Los Angeles. He finished ninth overall among the nationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Scouts Inc., No. 19 overall on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top tackles at 87.9, and his 88.1 run-blocking 32 prospects list and the No. 4 QB on McShayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s position rankings. grade ranked fourth.â&#x20AC;?

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