Military Press, Aug. 1, 2018

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GROWING UP

MILITARY

HARRIS FAULKNER SHARES HER ‘9 RULES’ LEARNED AS A BRAT

By Elise Cooper MilitaryPress

‘9

Three-year-old Harris Faulkner with her mother in Ludwigsburg, Germany. She says she loved the view from the flight control elevator of her father’s airplane.

remember when...

Rules of Engagement� by Harris Faulkner brings to the forefront the lessons she learned growing up in a military family, which can be applied today. She pays homage to the military ideals that shaped her, showing how everyone can benefit from their wisdom.

Her father, a decorated career officer, a lieutenant colonel, served three tours of duty in Vietnam and raised his children with the values and ideals of the U.S. military. The nine rules include “Trusting your own potential, Overcoming the odds, Recruiting our own Special Forces, Dealing with your demons, Staying ready, Wearing camouflage and Unleashing the power of integrity.�

The Emmy award-winning news anchor of “Outnumbered Overtime with Harris Faulkner� and cohost of the talk show “Outnumbered� on Fox News Channel uses the skills she emphasizes in the chapter “Staying Ready.�

Anyone who has ever watched these shows quickly realizes that she asks the formative questions, never allowing a guest to spin false narratives. “I try not to have people talk past each other and to do the one thing we all need to do, listen,� Faulkner said. “As a host, I try to give people an opportunity to speak.

Yet, I watch to see if they try to filibuster, a sign to me that they are losing the argument. I enjoy hearing all sides of a con-

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versation and think that viewers can also learn from it. I want to do the work of the viewer so that they don’t have to figure out what the truth actually is. I ask questions to illuminate where people are coming from and to get to the truth. It is less about who is right and more of what is right.�

The chapter “Recruiting Your Special Forces� shows the importance of being surrounded by supporters. “I married my best friend,� she said. “Today, people are dividing, firing, separating based on politics. Instead, we should ‘fire’ someone if they do not show support for your dreams and victories. In your personal life as you strive for your goals the inner circle must be tight and we should never tolerate someone who does not have our back.�

In speaking with Faulkner, it became obvious that she values integrity in a person. “The military integrity and credo gives us that clutch,� Faulkner said. “I understand how difficult some things can be.

But those serving know when things fall apart military brats show their resilience.

For a little background, in the book, I refer to it as an enduring term standing for Born Raised And Transferred. I think it is the military saying thank you to us kids for having grit too. “When one member of a family joins the military, the whole family bears the weight of the service. We sacrifice time with that GROWING UP, continued on Page 7

DEFENSE LOOKING GOOD Page 2

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Hoffman enters MLB Hall of Fame COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. — Hometown hero Trevor Hoffman was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame on Sunday.

Joining former Padres “Hoffy� in the Hall of Fame class of 2018 was Chipper Jones who didn’t bow to the pressure of the moment, and it was considerable.

Jones was inducted Sunday as well, and he stood there delivering his speech with wife Taylor staring up at him, hours away from giving birth to a son to be named Cooper in honor of the special day.

Faced with that daunting task, Jones delivered flawlessly, just as Trevor Hoffman he did during a 19year career with the Atlanta Braves. “She changed my life forever,� Jones said as his wife brushed away tears. “It Pro Football Focus listed Chargers cornerback Casey Hayward as the best in the league, and ranked the team’s secondary as No. 2. took me 40 years and some major imperfections in me along the way to find my true profession. Now we’ve taken our two families and blended them together. It has given me what I’ve been searching for my entire life —true happiness.�

Atlantic Falcons who rank No. 3, 4 and 5, A crowd estimated at about 50,000 respectfully. gathered on a sun-splashed day to honor six former players. Also enshrined were Projected starting lineup: Jim Thome, Vladimir Guerrero, Hofft Starting cornerback: Casey Hayward, man and former Detroit Tigers team96.4 grade mates Jack Morris and Alan Trammell.

by Art Garcia Jr. t Safety: Jahleel Addae, 83.4 Just as he did in his unflappable role rior to the Chargers opening No. 1. Casey Hayward, Los Angeles t Safety: Derwin James, 92.1* (2017 colin the bullpen during his career as an training camp last Friday, Pro Chargers. After years of being one of the lege grade) ace reliever, Hoffman was flawless in Football Focus (PFF) released most underrated cornerbacks in the NFL, t Starting cornerback: Jason Verrett, delivering his speech, also closing it by its defensive rankings for the up- Hayward took a big step forward to claim 44.0 thanking his wife, Tracy. coming 2018 season. the throne of the top player in the league t Nickel cornerback: Desmond King, “You shared with me this amazing Finishing last season ranked No. 15 at the position.

86.5 journey of ups and downs from the beoverall — 30th against the rush (131.1 yds.

Setting a career high in terms of his PFF ginning, always never letting me get too per gm.) and No. 4 against the pass (197.2 grade at 96.4 to rank first in the league, The Chargers might not have the best high or get too low,� Hoffman said. “I yds. per gm.) — PFF has high expectations he allowed a reception just once every 17.7 cornerback duo in the game, they go love you.� for the Bolts defense this season based on snaps in coverage and allowed an NFL deeper at the position than any team in Hoffman played the bulk of his career the strength of both the secondary and de- passer rating of 58.6 on throws into his the NFL currently. Casey Hayward (96.7 with the San Diego Padres before finfensive line. coverage. overall grade, and our top cornerback for ishing with the Milwaukee Brewers. AfSingling out cornerback Casey Hay* According to PFF, Hayward’s overall this season), Desmond King (86.5), Trevor ter failing to impress the front office in ward and edge rushers Joey Bosa and grade of 96.4 ranks slightly behind the Williams (88.5) and Jason Verrett could three years as a shortstop, he switched Melvin Ingram, PFF likes both the depth Jets’ Derrelle Revis’ 96.7 (2009) and just all make a starting three rotation anyto the bullpen and became a star. Usthe Chargers possess at cornerback as well ahead of the Broncos’ Chris Harris Jrs.’ where else in the NFL. ing a stultifying change-up, Hoffman as the potential two highly-touted rook- 95.6 (2014) for the best ranking among One will have to be relegated to dime recorded 601 saves over 18 seasons, ies — safety Derwin James and outside cornerbacks since 2006. packages though come Week 1. Now second all-time to former Yankees star linebacker/edge rusher Uchenna Nwosu they’ve added PFF’s top draftable safety Mariano Rivera’s 652. — will have on the defense.

Top NFL Secondary’s and top five player on our board in James.

He also credited his parents for his Here is a look at the rankings with an — Mike Renner Good luck to the rest of the AFC West. success. inside perspective from PFF analysts Gor* Renner completed his evaluation of the “Mom, dad, you’re the biggest readon McGuiness and Mike Renner.

No. 2. Los Angeles Chargers.

Chargers secondary prior to Verrett’s season I’m on this stage,� Hoffman said.

According to Renner the Chargers sec- sonending Achilles injury he suffered on “In fact, you’re all of my reasons. Not a Top 15 NFL Cornerbacks ondary comes in second to the Jackson- the opening day of training camp. day goes by that I’m not thankful for all ville Jaguars and ahead of the Los Angeboth of you have done. I love you both — Gordon McGuinness DEFENSE, continued on Page 6 les Rams, the Baltimore Ravens and the beyond words.�

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BOLTS’ DEFENSE RATES HIGH PFF RANKS CASEY HAYWARD AS TOP NFL CORNERBACK

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CHARGERS REPORT

SHELTER ISLAND’S KONA KAI A PERFECT GETAWAY SAN DIEGAN’S CAN STAY CLOSE AND FIND SAFE HARBOR

TRAVELS WITH HIAN

T

by Howard Hian

here’s something relaxing and almost mystical about boats bobbing on the water with the sounds of docks creaking and halyards clanging. The Kona Kai Resort & Spa and its marina, on San Diego’s secluded Shelter Island, provides safe harbor for a couple’s or family getaway.

History

In 1953, C. Arnholt Smith built a marina on a dredged sandbank that eventually became known as Shelter Island. Later, the exclusive Kona Kai Club opened — members included most of San Diego’s movers and shakers. It was also a place for celebrities to dock and visit. Just a few who sailed in were Clark Gable, Burt Lancaster, Jack Lemmon, Gregory Peck, Jimmy Durante, Dick Van Dyke and Liberace. Long-time San Diegans will also remember C. Arnholt Smith as the first owner of the Padres and the largest bank in town. Eventually, the FDIC, IRS and Department of Justice caught up with him.

Smith was indicted, convicted and jailed for embezzlement and bank fraud.

Kona Kai Resort & Spa on Shelter Island is a perfect getaway for couples and families alike.

is a resort fee that covers a variety of goodies: high-speed internet, daily one-hour beach cruiser bike rental (helmets included), newspaper, local and long distance calls, private beach access with chairs and towel service. Guests can use the lockers and enjoy the Zen Den, showers and steam room at SpaTerre.

Food and drink

Kona Kai’s Vessel Restaurant is the go-to place for breakfast, lunch, dinner and happy What to do hour. It’s casual If lazing by the waterfront dining, pool and people family friendly and watching is not outdoor seating your style, rent a is available. Don’t boat, paddle board miss the blueberry or wave runner. muffins at breakTake a beach cruisfast. er and explore ShelHappy hour is a ter Island. feast — loved the If you’re a walklobster quesadilla er, the harbor-side and wild mushpromenade is a room flatbread. At treat. There is state- Kona Kai upgraded all of its guest rooms early this year. dinner, I ordered of-the-art cardio two small plates: and strength equipment in the fitness cen- Kona beef and Reuben sliders. The bar ter. There are also various yoga and aero- scene is active and a favorite of hotel bics classes offered. guests, marina tenants, and locals.

SpaTerre offers a full range of services (my wife claimed it was her best pedicure Miscellaneous ever and my massage scored an A). At The iconic Kona Kai Club has redusk, head to the private beach and make opened, offering exclusive membership use of the fire pits and s’more kits. privileges throughout the resort. The Marina has 600 slips with boats and yachts Amenities of all sizes. There are two pools — one What’s new? In early 2018, 40 luxury for adults and the other with lap lanes. suites were added, along with a new pool, There are 55,000 square feet of flexible terrace, cabanas and a general freshening indoor/outdoor space for meetings, wedup of the resort, including all guest rooms dings, etc. The resort is pet friendly and (more than $25 million was spent). There self-parking is free.

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The Kona Kai Resort & Spa is operated by Nobel House Hotels & Resorts, part of their portfolio of outstanding properties. For more, go to www.NobelHouseHotels.com. Logon to www.

ResortKonaKai.com or call (619) 221-

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Let’s Go! Follow Howard Hian online at www.Travels-withHian.com and PokerResorts.net, or in the iTunes store at Omaha Tutorial/Poker Resorts.

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‘A man is not finished when he is defeated.

He is finished when he quits.’ Richard Nixon 37th. U.S. President Served Jan. 20, 1969 – Aug. 9, 1974

Spiro Agnew

39th U.S. Vice President Served Jan. 20, 1969 – Oct. 10, 1973

World events

t Yasser Arafat is elected leader of the Palestine Liberation Organization on Feb. 4. t Operation Breakfast, the secret bombing of Cambodia during the Vietnam War, begins March 18. t Briton Robin Knox-Johnston becomes the first person to sail around the world solo, without stopping, April 22. t President Richard Nixon announces the first withdrawal of U.S. troops from Vietnam on June 8.

t The Lunar Module from Apollo 11 lands on the Moon in the Sea of Tranquility on July 20, carrying astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin, who would take their first steps on the surface July 21. t “Abbey Road,� the 11th and final album from The Beatles, is released in the U.S. on Oct. 1. t “Monty Python’s Flying Circus� first airs Oct. 5 on BBC One.

U.S. News

t A Union Oil platform spills 80,000– 100,00 barrels of oil onto the beaches of Santa Barbara on Jan. 28. t The U.S. Navy launches the Navy Fighter Weapons School (Top Gun) on March 3

at NAS Miramar. t Former President Dwight D. Eisenhower dies March 28. t The Stonewall Riots begin June 28 in New York City, marking the start of the modern gay rights movement. t Massachusetts Sen. Ted Kennedy drives off a bridge July 18 on Chappaquiddick Island, killing his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne. t Members of a cult led by Charles Manson murder five people Aug. 10. t The Woodstock Festival attracts 500,00 people and 35 performers Aug. 15–18 at White Lake, N.Y. t The first episode of “The Brady Bunch� airs Sept. 26 on ABC. t “Sesame Street� is broadcast for the first time Nov. 10 on the National Educational Television network.

Technology

t Dr. Denton Cooley implants the first artificial heat April 4 at St. Luke’s Hospital in Houston.

The device kept a patient alive for four days while he waited for a normal heart. t The first test flight of the Concorde takes place March 2 in Toulouse, France. t The first Automatic Teller Machine goes into operation Sept. 2 at Rockville Centre, N.Y. t The first communications are sent through ARPANET (the predecessor of the Internet) on Oct. 29. t Boeing’s 747 jumbo jet makes its first passenger flight Dec. 2, carrying 191 people (mostly reporters) from Seattle to New York City.

Movies

t True Grit t Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

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remember when...

Dodge Charger R/T

COST OF LIVING

t Midnight Cowboy t Easy Rider t Hello Dolly t Cactus Flower t The Italian Job t On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Music

t The Archies, “Sugar, Sugar� t Fifth Dimension, “Aquarious / Let the Sunshine In� t The Temptations, “I Can’t Get Next to You� t Rolling Stones, “Honky Tonk Women� t Sly and the Family Stone, “Everyday People� t Tommy Roe, “Dizzy� t Tom Jones, “I’ll Never Fall in Love

BORN THIS YEAR: Junior Seau, NFL player (Jan. 19).

Above left: Jason Bateman, actor (Jan. 14); Steffi Graph, tennis player (June 14); Catherine Zeta-Jones, actess (Sept. 25); Brett Favre, NFL player (Oct. 10).

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Again� t The Foundations, “Build Me Up Buttercup� t Tommy James and Shondells, “Crimson and Clover� t Three Dog Night, “One� t Elvis Presley, “Suspicious Minds� t Neil Diamond, t “Sweet Caroline� t The Beatles, t “Get Back� t Johnny Cash, “A t Boy Named Sue�

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DEFENSE Continued from Page 2

Rounding out the AFC West t Denver Broncos (No. 10) t Oakland Raiders (No. 24) t Kansas City Chiefs (No. 28)

Pass Rush Rankings — Gordon McGuinness No. 3. Los Angeles Chargers. Led by edge rushers Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram, the Chargers’ pass rush were listed behind the top-ranked Philadelphia Eagles and No. 2 ranked Jacksonville Jaguars and just ahead of the Los Angeles Rams and Houston Texans who rank No. 4 and No. 5, respectively.

Projected starting lineup:

U.S. Army 1st Lt. Leslie R. Greenfield, right, receives a blue pin signifying completion of the Infantry Basic Officer Leadership Course July 20 at Fort Benning, Georgia, and becoming the California Army National Guard’s first female infantry officer. | U.S. Army photo provided by Ben Garrett

GOLDEN STATE GUARDSMAN MAKES HISTORY FIRST WOMAN TO PASS INFANTRY LEADERSHIP COURSE

By Lt. Col. Jonathan Masaki Shiroma California Army National Guard

S

ACRAMENTO — For 1st Lt. Leslie R. Greenfield, crossing the finish line is something that has literally been a huge part of her life.

As an avid runner who has successfully completed 10 marathons including the Boston, she knows what it is like to train hard and to remain focused in order to complete a race.

On July 20, however, Greenfield crossed a different finish line: She became the first woman in the California Army National Guard to graduate from Infantry Basic Of-

ficer Leadership Course (IBOLC). “This is very exciting for me and I am so happy to have had the opportunity just to attend IBOLC,� said Greenfield during a recent telephone interview from Fort Benning, Georgia, the home of IBOLC. “There were days, I have to admit, that I questioned myself, but I kept moving forward to reach my goal to graduate.�

Only 38 women have graduated from the course since the Army opened all combat arms related occupations to women a few years ago. Greenfield was one of six females from class 04-18’s 141 graduates to earn their blue cord. She knew that she would encounter some adversity from those who do not necessarily believe women belong in the infantry. “Some men believe you should not be here,� she explained. “You know you have to work to earn their respect more than just a guy coming in right off the street.�

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t Edge Defender: Melvin Ingram, 91.9 overall grade t Defensive Interior: Corey Liuget, 83.0 t Defensive Interior: Brandon Mebane, 43.1 t Edge Defender: Joey Bosa, 91.7 t Key Rotational Player: Uchenna Nwosu, 86.9* (2017 college grade) t Pressure Percentage as a team, 2017: 34.7% (16th)

Were we looking purely at pressure “This not something that I just deoff the edge, the Chargers would cercided to do without thinking about it,� tainly be number one. The combination Greenfield said. “I knew it was going to of Bosa and Ingram at either defensive be tough, so I really researched what it end position is deadly, and the Chargers was going to be like to make sure it was a saw 151 of their total pressures come good fit for me.� from the duo.

Coming to that decision involved askThey were the only team in the NFL ing those who had some insight into the to feature two edge defenders who fininfantry world. For that, Greenfield looked ished the 2017 season with an elite to fellow officers and to a number of non(90.0-plus) PFF grade, and there’s no commissioned officers within her CST. reason to expect them to slow down “I have been blessed with so many great much in 2018. The bonus in 2017 was mentors and talking to them about what Liuget producing the best year of his cato expect was my saving grace,� she said. reer, adding 26 total pressures from the One such mentor was Sgt. 1st Class defensive interior.

Justin Flood. Greenfield praises Flood for taking the time to explain what to expect.

Rounding out the AFC West He also helped her improve in her markst Denver Broncos (No. 7) manship, taught her about what it takes to t Oakland Raiders (No. 13) be an infantry leader and to speak words t Kansas City Chiefs (No. 26) of confidence to inspire her to never quit. “The infantry is not for everyone, male The Endzone: Having torn his Achilor female,� Flood said. “She (Greenfield) les during a conditioning drill last Frihas the drive, and I knew early that she day, one has to question if cornerback would be that person who would take on Jason Verrett will ever suit up again in that challenge.� a Chargers uniform? Selected as the Flood further explained that Greenfield 25th pick in the 2014 draft, Verrett has did one specific thing that he said would played in just 25 games during his four ultimately lead to her success. seasons in the NFL. “She is not afraid to say I am not faWhen healthy, Verrett is one of the miliar with this, and I need some advice,� best cornerbacks in the league as he Flood said. “I think all good leaders who proved in 2015 when he was selected to ask for advice especially when they are not the Pro Bowl after finishing the season sure, will succeed.� with three interceptions, one which he Greenfield will begin her journey as an returned 68 yards for a touchdown. infantry officer as a platoon leader, Charlie However talented he may be, the botCompany, 185th Infantry Regiment. tom line in the NFL is the best ability “While monumental, graduating from is availability and unfortunately VerIBOLC was a baby-step for the LT,� Flood rett cannot stay healthy enough to last said. “Now comes the next test, and I have a full season. full confidence Lt. Greenfield will clear the Fortunately for the Chargers, they next hurdle on her way to becoming an have depth and talent at the cornerback outstanding officer.� position.

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who do not agree with you. Gen. Jack Keaneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s book quote on how Americans can use the military perspective is very powparent while they are deployed; we move erful, especially in todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s culture. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We are wherever our loved one is needed; we up- racially, religiously, culturally, economiroot our lives; we leave our friends behind cally, and geographically diverse, but for and we start all over again with a support- us to be effective, we have to build strong ive and positive attitude because it helps unit cohesion â&#x20AC;Ś Every single member our loved one do his or her job effectively of the team has to submit to something and return home to us safely. I want fami- larger than self. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the militaryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s key to lies to get more credit for helping America success. Despite all the differences that we as much as the person serving. It is total may have, the only way we can succeed as family service. I always tease people, if you a military organization is to be bound to come up against a military offspring, you each other. Our concern for each other has better come forward with a lot of integrity to trump our concern for ourselves.â&#x20AC;? and intuitiveness, because we do not give It would be nice if politicians put this up easily.â&#x20AC;? quote up in their office where they must This is a bi-partisan book that has a stare at it each and every day. great quote about another form of integâ&#x20AC;&#x153;One chamber can pass 300 bills and rity, showing an understanding for those the other chamber is so politically con'PS BEWFSUJTJOH JOGPSNBUJPO DBMM t BET!NJMJUBSZQSFTT DPN Continued from Page 1

stipated they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t work through them,â&#x20AC;?

Faulkner said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;In our lives, we can win by working together. A personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s integrity is measured by how you treat others. Besides the military, I would also put first responders, and those defending us on the north and south border, in this category of those with integrity.â&#x20AC;?

The â&#x20AC;&#x153;Camouflageâ&#x20AC;? chapter has a personal anecdote. She speaks of how she watched her dad polish his black boots. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It is more than just a fashion statement,â&#x20AC;? she said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If you are in the Navy you need a blue set of clothes. You are not going to fight in the desert with anything but a sandy uniform. I do the color wheel for the women on â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Outnumbered,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; because I want people to look at the screen and see each of those women as dynamic, strong, smart, quick and an individual.â&#x20AC;?

She is very grateful to her dad for allowing her life to be molded by those in the military, â&#x20AC;&#x153;people who served this nation for the greater cause.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;My dad is loving, has a sense of humor, and is a fabulous storyteller,â&#x20AC;? Faulkner said. â&#x20AC;&#x153;My dad would sit someone down and no matter what the circumstance he would start with a story. He would bring me to the Pentagon where I met fabulous leaders. My mom used to tell me because of my dad the bar is high. As a child of an officer, we are expected to be positive components of our community and to give our lives meaning and purpose. I am very grateful for having grown up in a military family.â&#x20AC;?

Anyone who reads this book will understand how Faulkner has respect, gratitude and pride in the military. It is a story of courage, love and duty.

"VH 7

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Shut up... youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re next!â&#x20AC;?

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t call the cops!

Wife: Why do you go out on the balcony when I start singing?

Husband: Because the neighbors will think I am beating you.

Just for

Laughs Blind leading the blind

A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street.

When the dog took him across, he almost got ran over by the traffic, and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him.

When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog. A spectator who saw what happened couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t believe his eyes.

He ran over to the blind man and said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Sir, why are you rewarding that dog?

He almost got you killed!â&#x20AC;?

The blind man replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m trying to find his head so I can kick him in his ass!â&#x20AC;?

Primate problems

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

Mixed up blonde

Getting oldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a bummer

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Take this jar home, and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.â&#x20AC;?

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, doc, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing â&#x20AC;&#x153;We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; it between her knees, but still nothing.â&#x20AC;?

The doctor was shocked! â&#x20AC;&#x153;You asked your neighbor?!â&#x20AC;?

The old man replied, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yep, none of us could get the jar open.â&#x20AC;?

Shafted

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Two men are by a hole in the ground and they both wonder how deep it is. So, they pick up a rock and throw it in. They donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear anything so they pick up an old transmission and throw it in. They listen... and still didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear anything.

Then they see a goat running at them full speed and it jumps into the hole.

Shortly after, a farmer comes along and asks them, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Have you seen my goat?â&#x20AC;?

The two men say, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well we saw a goat

jump into this hole.â&#x20AC;?

Honesty the best policy? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well that could not be my goat,â&#x20AC;?

A guy goes in for a job interview and the farmer says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;My goat was tied to a sits down with the boss. transmission.â&#x20AC;?

The boss asks him, â&#x20AC;&#x153;What do you think is your worst quality?â&#x20AC;?

Foreign goods The man says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m probably too honIn the beginning, God created the est.â&#x20AC;? heaven and the earth... After that, everyThe boss says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not a bad thing. thing else was made in China.

I think being honest is a good quality.â&#x20AC;?

The man replies, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t give a sh-t what you think!â&#x20AC;?

Losing my mind

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still employed. I just canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t remember where.

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An American visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.

He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Eggs,â&#x20AC;? replies the old man. The American scoffs at this, saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.

Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, â&#x20AC;&#x153;How?â&#x20AC;?

The old man takes one look at his face and replies, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Scrambled.â&#x20AC;?

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A jump rope!

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