Na Manakuke April 2023 Issue

-NaManakuke-

Major Conflicts Splitting Mid-Pacific Campus Due to New Mid-Pacific Mascot: the Mongoose

By Aegot Eloy Stuff Writer

The mongoose has been chosen as the new Mid-Pacific mascot, causing a new brewing conflict internally within the school.

Sources told Na Pueo that this act of rebranding follows a top administrative killing a mongoose with a golf ball, in the same way that an owl was previously killed in Mid-Pacific history.

The dead mongoose is in the process of being stuffed, in the same way as the owl. The owl is currently being removed from its current location and is being relocated to the archives to collect dust.

Mid-Pacific is using this as an opportunity to rebrand using the invasive species, including NaPueo, which is currently being rebranded as

Na Manakuke. New merch, including hats, jackets, hoodies, shirts and scarfs are planning on being released, sources tell Na Manakuke. Scarves will especially warm, heavy, and mandatory, especially as the warmer season approaches.

Mid-Pacific Athletics and Elementary School will plan on keeping special logos with the new animal mascot, despite the new change. Additionally, a new mascot costume is currently in production, according to sources. Rumor has it that someone in the math department is planning on taking over the role; however, sources have not been able to confirm this information.

The cheer team is also in the process of rewriting the cheers to fit the mongoose.

This decision, however, has been met with significant backlash, due to the confusing pluralization of the word “mongoose”. People think the plural “mongooses” flows better, while “mongeese” matches the existing number of syllables in “owls”. The conflict between these two beliefs in pluralization have sources concerned about Mid-Pacific splitting back into Kawaihao and Mills Schools.

Even if Mid-Pacific does not split, the conflict has already culturally divided the campus. Which of your friends secretly believe in the other pluralization? Which of your teachers are part of the other camp?

Despite the conflict, a local grammar expert said that both camps are incorrect, and the

correct pluralization is “mongeeses”. The referred to expert is currently on the run for tax fraud.

Also, Mid-Pacific is planning on breeding more mongooses to roam around campus, intent on biting students’ ankles to make sure they get to

class on time.

No one in the community is expressing their concerns about the additional mongeese population, as Na Manakuke reporters including myself just didn’t feel like asking anybody about this issue.

10 for 10 is MANDATORY: time for student to fork over the $

the stellar student who donated.

what

he deserves.”

Hacrizedi Gaulll’eeo Stuff Writer

Administration announced that 10 for 10 would be mandated following the lack of student participation.

“I mean, the struggle is real

guys,” said the 10 for 10 advisor. “We thought our 2023 class had more Pueo pride.”

10% of the Class of 2023 decided to donate, but 9% of that money was from one student. Class advisors decided this

wasn’t enough.

“We’re so proud of this star pueo for going above and beyond the recommended 10 dollars, but we just need more,” said an anonymous source.

Na Manakuke decided to interview

“I didn’t realize there was a limit,” a prominent senior said. “I only donated $100 because I wanted to get it over with. I won’t remember every year.”

In order to honor the students generous donation, the class advisors have decided to place a mural of him in Scudder.

“He’s a true pueo,” said the advisor. “It’s

Na Manakukue asked the senior how he felt about the mural.

“Uh, it’s cool I guess? I don’t really like the photo they selected,” the senior said.

The only other student who donated was part of the 10 for 10 planning committee.

“I don’t know, I kind of had to,” said the planning senior.

DA NEWSPAPER FOR MID-PAC

Mongoose killed with golf ball. Photo by a witness.

Prom is canceled: no refunds?!

Rob Dipps Stuff Writer

Wordis out that the Mid-Pacific prom of 2023 will be canceled.

There are several reasons for the cancellation:

• Mass failure of mock exams

• According to well placed sources, the decision was made because the seniors’ low GPAs border on illiteracy

• Seniors only reached 0.72% of their expected 72% donations for 10 for 10

• Students staged protests after it was announced Baethoven’s 4th symphony was the only song the school could afford to play

• Due to avian flu and drought, the only food and drink available for the event will be vegan tofu with gluten free rice and Ala Wai water garnished with the shredded papers of the failed mock exams

According to the sources, if those things can be remedied in the next 24 hours, the prom will go on.

However, students have decided to protest the prom all together, and will camp out in Mills Gym until security kicks them out.

Various booths will include Khan Academy to remedy student’s failing mock exams, and a Hell’s Kitchen booth run by Gordan Ramsey, in

which students are encouraged to participate. Students will need to bring their own knives, which will also be of use in an accompanying reenactment of Julius Caesar’s death.

A Karaoke booth will be solely devoted to the Rascal Flatts “Life is a Highway” on repeat.

Another booth will be devoted to deciding which one member of the Mid-Pacific faculty will be exiled to one of the following locations: the Marianas Trench, the Bermuda Triangle, or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. If you’ve read this far and fully believe everything that Na Manakuke has written in this paper, please contact your dean and HCCF.

Spicy balloon shot down by paper jet

Avian flu: who says chickens are dying?

J’oewer R. Objer Stuff Writer

Seniors have each been chipping in money for a purchase of 3,500 chickens, according to a credible source.

While it can’t be said for sure what students are planning to do with all of these chickens, it is believed that they are going to be used in a senior prank.

“I heard we’re going to leave at least 30 in Dr. Turnbull’s house,” an anonymous senior said.

Administration is concerned after hearing talk amongst students. Luckily they have a plan in place.

“We already serve chicken every week, it would save us a lot of money,” an anony-

mous administration member said.

Seniors in charge of housing and checking on the chickens have been quoted as struggling.

“We accidentally bought one rooster, so the chickens have been multiplying,” an anonymous source said.

The flock has also been known to be a bit rowdy.

“One of the chickens attacked a student. We felt really bad about it,” one anonymous senior student said.

The student asked who was attacked, and Na Manakuke staff informed them it was a sophomore. “Oh. I don’t feel so bad then,” said the senior.

Recently, a suspicious red balloon flew over Manoa Valley. When it went past Leahi, a paper air jet equipped with a toothpick was sent to shoot it down. The balloon might contain capsaicin, a spicy chemical, that may harms the residents in Manoa. According to a credible source.

Illustration by Angeri L’Harc.