Violent and Frightening Actions

It is a weird injury. There are no particular events to orient around. What I have is

confusion, questions, and absences of things which I'm told could relate to the event of my

biological father leaving me before I was born. I would say that my injury is best described as

was the prolonged state of one event. I grew up without the dad who gave me my DNA, facial

features, humour, and mannerisms. The non-event is the absence of the guy who is the

biological stuff that has shaped who I am. This absence has left me at times feeling like I have

invented a lot of my own characteristics, cleverness, and mannerism. I grew up not feeling just

like a fish out of water but wondering if I am a fish at all.

I have since met my biological father 3 times and each time that has been difficult.

The first time I recall ever meeting him was when I was around 16 during a small family

reunion at a lake. He happened to be at the clubhouse and my dad and uncle invited him over.

I had been asked and was given permission to decline meeting him if I wanted to but I said it

was OK. Somehow I didn’t want to be adverse to the idea. I was swimming and went up to

him in my

bathing suit. When I got in front of him I felt aware of how exposed and vulnerable I felt. I

shook hands feeling naked in front of him. I didn’t know what to say so I turned and went back

to the lake. I had hoped for more I guess. We just shook hands and said, “Hi” and that was that.

It was the most awkward greeting of my life. Here was a complete stranger who was my sperm

donor. He had given me so much in life – that is, my existence - but other than that I shared no

affection no stories and no memories. It was serial. The feeling I had was a feeling of being so

exposed.