Tough Questions

Is my husband not grieving our miscarriage?

ANSWER: First let me say, I am so sorry for your loss. Many women have shared with me how lonely and isolating the miscarriage experience was for them. Unfortunately, miscarriages are common occurrences, yet they are rarely spoken of openly. It is believed 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and not too much is known about the causes. Grieving is a natural response to the loss. The hopes and dreams you had for your little one’s future are no more, and that is a heavy weight to carry. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I hope you know He is near you during this time — even if you do not feel His presence because of your grief.

As for your husband’s response, everyone grieves differently. He might not understand the physicality of the loss like you, since men are unable to carry a child. Nonetheless, it seems a bit harsh to say he does not care — unless, of course, you asked him if he cared, and he said no. That would be a different conversation. Could it be your husband is wanting to appear strong for you? Maybe he is just as emotionally devastated as you are, but he is unsure how to express it. Just as miscarriages are rarely spoken of in women’s circles, I hazard a guess that they are scarcely spoken of in men’s circles. Have you talked with him about your concerns? If you have not, it might be wise to do so. I think of James 1:19 — “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Let go of your assumptions and meet your husband with listening ears. You may be surprised by what he shares with you.

During this difficult time, a great book resource is “Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy” by Mark Vroegop. He discusses the biblical practice of lament. In the introduction, Vroegop describes what he and his wife experienced when they learned their daughter was stillborn. He writes, “to cry is human, to lament is Christian.” He walks through multiple psalms and the book of Lamentations while providing practical suggestions for readers on the subject matter. Another wonderful book resource is “God Does His Best Work with Empty” by Nancy Guthrie. She lost two young children to genetic disorders and writes, “In those days I was constantly confronted by an empty bedroom at our house, an empty place at the table, an empty place in the family photo, and a huge empty place in my plans for my family and my life.” She uses biblical stories to show how God works through the emptiness we all feel at some point in this life.

You and your husband could read one of these together, or each read one and share insights with the other. It could bring a sense of connection with your shared grief. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Y

Brenna Weaver is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Ridgeland working with clients 18 years and older. She has experience as a secondary education teacher and children’s therapist. When not working, she enjoys reading, eating good food, and traveling.

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