Drinking Allowed in Honor of St.Patrick's Day

WRITTEN BY MACKENZIE CHRISTIE

As the month of March rolls around, faculty and staff have been doing the most to ensure the festive spirit of Saint Patrick's Day is alive and well on our quiet campus. In a groundbreaking administrative move, it has been announced that drinking will be permitted – and encouraged – for the entire month of March to honor our patron saint.

According to sources close to the administration, the decision was made after a thorough study of the benefits of alcohol consumption for college students. The study, which was conducted by the Department of Higher Education and Alcoholics Anonymous, found that drinking can lead to increased emotional awareness, ease of suppressing unwanted memories, and circumstantially enhanced social skills.

To kick off the celebrations, there will be an exciting collaboration between Minds Matter and the Falcon Fitness Center on the importance of alcoholic hydration, organizing a shot-gun race for students to participate in between classes. Giveaway prizes for willing participants will be provided, such as boxed wine and Breathalyzer tests. EMT’s will also be available on the premises for moral support and potential medical evaluations.

The Union Cafe has added a new item to their menu for the month, called The Holy Spirits. Each 32oz drink is complete with a Four Loko, a Monster Energy and one shot of whatever your underpaid student employee chooses to throw in there. Your fate is in their hands.

*The Holy Spirits will be brought back for a limited time during finals week.

DESIGNED BY KATE TRIMBLE

Though some individuals are apprehensive about the new initiative, many faculty members hope to settle their worries, with a few words of encouragement.

One professor (who has chosen to remain anonymous) feels passionately that this celebration is not only in good faith to celebrate the holiday, but is an act of spiritual commitment as well.

“Remember when Jesus did that thing with the water? Biggest reason for me converting, I swear to you. Start drinking at noon and the spirit really starts talking to ya,” he said.

[redacted] refused to elaborate.

In an effort to inspire the masses to join in the celebrations, Flex the Falcon has made the impressive commitment to drinking alone in the center of the athletic field from the hours of 8pm to 3am. His willingness to set an example for the student body is admirable, despite the incoherency of his testimony. Unfortunately, upon waking the following day, Flex requested that his statements be omitted from the records.

Administration would like to make it very clear that though we are paying homage to the beautiful traditions of St. Patrick's day, there will be absolutely no behavior involving kissing one another solely on the basis of their ethnic group, as it remains a strict violation of the code of conduct. Anyone found wearing merchandise reading “Kiss me, I’m Irish” will be forcibly removed from the premises.

Remember to check your Messiah inbox regularly, as there will be an email coming out soon regarding similar festivities planned for the week of April 20th.