ONLY AS FAR AS GOD Hope for the Bereaved
Fr Morgan Costelloe
BIBLICAL TEXTS The Lord is my shepherd there is nothing I shall want. Ps. 22. I am sure I shall see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Ps. 24. For You my soul is thirsting, 0 Lord my God. Ps. 62. Father, I desire that they also, whom Thou has given Me, may be with Me where I am. Jn. 17:24. When I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to Myself, that where I am you may be also. Jn. 14:3. Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. Mt. 25:34. If we have died with Him, we shall also live with Him; if we endure, we shall reign with Him. 2 Tim. 2:11. We are God’s children now. When He appears we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 1 Jn. 3:2. We shall always be with the Lord. I Thes. 4:17. ~2~
A DEATH IN THE FAMILY The well-dressed gentleman in the presbytery parlour was not a parishioner. He had parked his car outside, a classy type of car which people in our deprived, innercity parish could not afford. He wore an expensive suit and a worried look. ‘I wonder if I may ask you a favour?’, he said. ‘One of your parishioners works for my firm’, he explained. ‘Unfortunately, there was a bad accident this morning and he was killed instantly. Would you be good enough to come with me and break the news to his widow?’ It was a heart-breaking task but I went along and we told the good woman as gently as we could. The memory of that sunny afternoon still lives with me. As we approached the house, the dead man’s little boy ran over to me and asked: ‘How’ya Father?’ ‘Not bad, Billy’, I answered, but even he realised that I spoke without conviction. I was thinking of how I would tell his mother that his father would never come home again, wondering what a change the sad news would have on him, on her and his family. A death in the family comes to us all. You have heard it said: ‘It is better for those who go than for those who remain’, and there is some truth in that remark. Those who die in God’s grace go home to God: ‘For Your faithful people, Lord, life is changed, not ended. When the body of our earthly dwelling lies in death we gain ~3~
an everlasting dwelling place in heaven’ (Preface: Mass for the Dead). But those who remain must work through their grief. Grief is like a long, sad journey through a tunnel. With faith in God, we know that the light of the Risen Saviour will be found at the end. We will have many different experiences as we travel through; some frightening, many sorrowful. But these are perfectly normal, as a rule, because grief is an emotional illness and a full recovery takes time. It is good for the bereaved and for their friends and relatives to realise this. When you get the flu, the doctor can help you by explaining the progress of your illness: normally you will have a high temperature for two days, a loss of appetite for three days and you should return to normal in about a week. A person who has suffered a death in the family will likewise find strength in the knowledge that all will be well, with Gods help, in time but they must first endure shock and sadness, depression and fear. Jesus made a similar prediction to His apostles when He mentioned His approaching death: ‘Truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament - but your sorrow will turn to joy’ (Jn. 16:20).
Painful Stages How long will recovery take? That depends on many factors, a person’s faith and the circumstances of the death, to mention just two. On ~4~
average, recovery takes between six months and two years. Much study has been made of grief in recent years. Dr. Granger Westberg of the Houston Medical Centre notes ten stages through which people move as they grieve. These stages are not always clearly discernible nor do they always follow in the same order. In these pages we will consider some of them in the hope of bringing consolation to readers who are working through their grief. Looking back on Tom’s tragic death many years ago, his widow, Rita, certainly went through these stages. At first, she was stunned and remained in a state of shock for many days. Then, as she realised what had happened, she broke down and wept a lot. She felt depressed, lonely and afraid of the future. The next stage took her completely by surprise. She began to blame herself for Tom’s death. She should have stopped him going to work that morning, she told herself. She should have been kinder to him while he was with her. This was irrational because they were a very happy family. But such guilty feelings often attack the bereaved. The strangest stage was yet to come. Rita had always been a good practising Catholic but now she began to grow angry with God! This really frightened her. ‘Why did he leave me a widow with five young children?’ But this reaction to God is normal. Rita was resentful for a while but gradually she returned to her usual activities, thanks to the support of her good neighbours and friends. ~5~
Then one day she realised that she was coming to the end of her tunnel of grief. Slowly, the peace of Christ returned to her soul. Today she is a top-class counsellor for all who suffer such sudden tragic bereavement. The secret of success for those working through their grief is to hold on to their faith in the infinite wisdom, love and power of their loving Heavenly Father. Prayer will be difficult, long prayers impossible, but just to attempt them in these circumstances is a wonderful prayer in God’s sight. A short prayer like ‘Thy Will be done’ can bring relief. Attendance at Mass and reception of Holy Communion will bring temporary peace, at least, if people can convince themselves that the nearer they are to God the nearer they are to their dear ones who are with Him. St. Bonaventure is credited with the beautiful expression: ‘Our beloved dead have gone only as far as God and God is very near’. Finally, there are many prayers of consolation in the new Funeral Rite, like the one for the bereaved: ‘O Lord Jesus Christ, God of all consolation, who was moved to tears at the grave of Lazarus, look now with compassion on Your servants who are sorely grieved by their loss. Strengthen in their hearts the spirit of faith to accept this cross from Your loving hands. Give to their troubled hearts and to the hearts of all people the light of hope. May they so live that they may one day be united again in the kingdom of Your love. Amen.’ ~6~
I DON’T REMEMBER A THING One of the immediate reactions to the news of the death of a close relative is shock and numbness. When Rita looks back on the first days of her bereavement – the removal of the remains to the church, the funeral Mass and the burial – she says: ‘I don’t remember a thing’. Only snippets return to her. This is quite normal. It is a strange, bewildering experience but it is nature’s own safety mechanism. Rita remembers that I called to break the tragic news to her. After that, her mind appeared to go blank. Events happened around her, yet she seemed to be completely detached from them. She performed like a robot without emotion, shaking hands with friends and neighbours, accepting Mass cards and floral wreaths, but all this appeared to be happening to someone else. She was on the outside looking in. During these early days, a bereaved person badly needs the caring support of kind, understanding relatives and neighbours. Important decisions must be made and they will often involve much expenditure. A tactful, caring person, preferably a close relative, is required to assist in making funeral arrangements. Tom’s brother, Jack, identified the remains after the accident and, in consultation with Rita, made arrangements with the funeral director and the local priest. Even though a grief-stricken person may wish to be relieved of all ~7~
responsibilities for such matters, it is advisable to involve him or her to avoid possible regret or recrimination later.
Good Neighbours A death in the community emphasises the value of good neighbours. Priests, serving in Ireland, remember with pride the extraordinary communal acts of charity on such occasions: neighbours helping to provide cups of tea and sandwiches and suitable clothes for the mourners; others caring for the children who have just lost a parent and, above all, the large attendance at the removal of the remains to the church and at the funeral Mass. Only one who has experienced the personal sadness of a bereavement realises the strength that the presence of a large number of sympathetic relatives, friends and neighbours gives. Attendance at funerals is a valuable part of our Christian tradition. Long may it last. The new funeral liturgy gives the bereaved person an opportunity of choosing the readings, the Prayers of the Faithful and the hymns. There is a wide-ranging choice and they can provide a glimpse of Christian hope even through the cloud of sadness. I read some of them for Rita. She was in a state of shock but I hoped that a few thoughts would come back to her in the months ahead.
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ANGRY WITH GOD ‘I became very angry with God’, Rita said, ‘I know it was a sin, but I couldn’t help it. It didn’t seem fair to take him away when the children needed him most’. Feeling angry with God is not a sin because it is one of the normal stages of bereavement following the death of a loved one. It is very distressing but often a necessary experience before we can fully recover from a death in the family. Why God allows tragic events to occur in our lives is a mystery. God’s ways are not our ways, we tell ourselves. They are beyond our understanding. We are convinced at times that we could improve upon them, if He gave us the opportunity! Two truths are necessary to ease us through the crisis of bereavement. The first is that our God is a God of love. The Scriptures affirm this again and again ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love’, God tells us (Jer. 31:3). Jesus explained this further: ‘As the Father loves me, so I have loved you. Abide in My love’ (Jn. 15:9). He gave us the parables of the Good Shepherd and the Prodigal Son to emphasise this wonderful truth. God loves Rita, her five children and her departed husband, Tom. He loved him and still loves him, even more than they realise. How can this be reconciled, then, with Tom’s tragic death? Firstly, God does not cause death, He permits it. Secondly, He does so because His great knowledge tells ~9~
Him that this is the exact time and manner to call Tom to Himself. Only prayer and faith, a desperate, blind trust in His loving care, can carry us through this mystery. The second truth is that God has a special mission for everyone born into our world: a mission that is measured in days and hours. Once that has been accomplished, the person is called home to God. In that sense, Tom’s accident was no accident! This theme is found in the novel, The Bridge of San Luis Rey. When the bridge collapsed, men and women, fathers and mothers went hurtling to their deaths. Onlookers cried: ‘How cruel God is!’ Relatives and friends repeated the complaint at the funerals. However, the story probes beneath the surface and shows that God chose precisely the right moment for each victim to die. They had each fulfilled at that time the task the God had given them to do.
The Old and Infirm Death comes often as a release from pain and old age. It is hard for close relatives and friends who see their loved ones dying and mourn their loss but, in this case, death is a God-sent benefactor for those who are crippled, bedridden or worn out from living. It is a gentle sleep from a loving God with an awakening in heaven. When it comes suddenly and tragically, as in Tom’s case, its immediate effects on the family are shattering. ~ 10 ~
Widows like Rita remark sometimes: ‘I have lost my husband’. They would find more consolation in the expression: ‘I have given him back to God’. When my own sister died at seventeen, my grieving parents chose a verse for her memorial card, which carried the message: Lord, she was Thine and not our own. You have not done us wrong. We thank You for Thy precious loan. Afforded us so long. It is good to remind ourselves, however difficult it may appear, of the fatherhood and loving providence of God. There are no solutions, here and now, to the questions which keep nagging us: ‘Why did he die in such circumstances?’ As Rita came to accept Tom’s death later on, she found that there are answers, but they are known to God and not to us at the time.
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THERE IS A REASON For every pain that we must bear, For every burden, every care, There is a reason. For every grief that bows the head, For every tear-drop that is shed, There is a reason. For every hurt, for every plight, For every lonely, pain-racked night, There is a reason. But if we trust God as we should, All must work out for our good. He knows the reason.
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