God Is at Work in Dysfunctional Families

The author, who wishes to remain anonymous, recounts the history of a family in the USA during the time of prohibition. She notes the positives she now sees in her family's difficulties.

Family is a gift of God, a mystery. I did not choose my family; I was born into it, and lived and grew up in it with my parents and siblings. Why am I attempting to write here about my family? It is in order to share how I found God in my family situation, which I experienced as not being ‘normal’ and which had a disastrous impact on us as growing children. Pope Francis, in his realistic vision of the family, says ‘There is no perfect family. We do not have perfect parents, we are not perfect, we do not marry a perfect person or have perfect children’. He’s right, but he would also say that God is right in the middle of every imperfect family!

My Father

My family profile consisted of my father, mother and six children. I need to relate-but not in order to blame-how my father’s thinking and decisions had profound and intense repercussions on my mother, sister and brothers. I think particularly of my youngest brother: for me, he was the scapegoat, the innocent victim in a multi-dysfunctional family with complex needs.

My father indulged in betting. Customers would approach him and pay him a small amount. When they won, he had to pay them big financial sums which he did not always have. My mother was a conscientious person, and my father demanded her jewelry to pawn it and so pay the customers. He was an honest person and paid his customers their dues even though he suffered heavy losses.

With the intention of improving his finances he began boot-legging, that is, selling country liquor. Prohibition was in force, so the selling of liquor had to be clandestine. My mother was roped in to sell it to a regular flow of customers who would come to drink. She would carefully save the day’s earnings and invest it in the family bank account. My mother was illiterate: we taught her to sign her name, and I would deposit the money in the bank. But as before my father would claim the earnings to pay his betting customers. So whatever was earned for the family through boot legging was syphoned off in betting.

Prohibition meant that the local police were on the watch and would raid suspected premises. Corruption was rampant. My father would slip money to the police, paying them to inform us of any raids. We could then make sure there was no liquor in the house when they arrived.

My Mother

My father drank, and we prayed every day that he might become sober. My mother would often cry in desperation for peace in the house as his violence adversely affected family life. Easily annoyed, he would physically beat my brothers with his leather belt. My mother would intervene to protect them. He himself prayed to give up drink and with God’s grace he finally stopped drinking completely. But disaster followed when my dear mother began drinking and showed withdrawal symptoms every morning.

We were unable to study when we returned from school because the customers were in our living room with their drinks: the only other room was the bedroom. This affected our mental and emotional well-being: we were expected to go to school, to study and do all that was required of us; exteriorly we had to appear as ‘normal’ students from a safe family and were compelled to keep the family condition a secret. We became timid, lacked self-confidence and were not bold enough to speak our minds and express ourselves. We lived our daily routine attending to the basic necessities of going to church, school, college and work. We had no ‘social life’ and no family outings.

Purely the Grace of God

But God was present, and even now we thank him for his grace and protec- tion that in spite of these overwhelming family situations we moved forward to lead healthy and productive lives. The family morning and evening prayer was our source of strength. Our family prayer was vocal; from the depths of our hearts we prayed to trust that God would protect our family members, especially our parents, and defend us from all harm.

It was purely the grace of God and his love that protected us and helped us to grow, to continue our higher studies to be respectful professionals and to be employed in reputed institutions. Somehow, we grew up resilient, and we learned to face life in spite of negative pressure.

Silent and painful acceptance of family hardships came to be seen as a source of purification of our love of God. All experiences helped us to grow in the social and moral values of perseverance and endurance. We learned discipline in keeping to our daily timetable from the time of waking up to sleeping. Our family life was notably strengthened when we managed to cooperate and to adjust to the reality of our lives.

God beside Us in the Dark

I thank God from my heart for my parents, no matter their psychological pathologies which deeply affected us as children. I’ve learned to be grateful to God despite our difficult family circumstances. Surprisingly, these crosses gradually revealed themselves as concealed gifts, agents of interior transformation. Even though filled with negativity and fear, something deeper in us beckoned us to recall that God is beside us in this darkness. My transformation toward living in gratitude has continued and my journey has been enriched with every ‘thank you’ expressed for however God might be intervening.

The family situation helped us to understand the meaning of suffering and to accept pain in our everyday life. In his homily, Pope Francis prayed that the synod would ‘acknowledge, esteem and proclaim all that is beautiful, good and holy’ about family life. He also prayed that synod would ‘embrace situations of vulnerability and hardship,’ not forgetting those suffering because of ‘war, illness, grief, wounded relationships and brokenness.’ (Homily of Pope Francis on the Family, 2022).

Thank you Jesus, Mary and Joseph for my family.