Issuu

fr o m th e pu bli sh er

Avoiding Leadership Burnout

ll church leaders are dealing with stress right now. Stress can come from every area of our lives.

You might be under pressure, facing big changes, feeling a lack of control, shouldering heavy responsibility, or feeling uncertain about the future. You might be facing multiple issues simultaneously or feeling the effects of past experiences. Your stress might be triggered by illness, injury, parenting, infertility, bereavement, abuse, marriage, divorce, relationships, or caregiving. You might have lost your job, or be seeking a new job, or just started in a new role. Perhaps you retired recently. You might be feeling the pressure of deadlines, exams, or work strife. You might be moving, dealing with difficult neighbors, worrying about money, or drowning in debt. You might lack the resources or support you need. Did I find it? Stress is normal and we shouldn’t expect to avoid it. The key issue is this: Are we managing stress

in a healthy way. If we aren’t, it can lead to burnout, which is far more debilitating. Here are some differences between stress and burnout: Stress

Burnout

Over-engagement

Disengagement

Overactive emotions

Blunted emotions

Urgency or hyperactivity

Helplessness and hopelessness

Loss of energy

Loss of motivation and hope

Anxiety issues

Detachment and depression

Physical damage

Emotional damage

Life feels overwhelming

Life doesn’t feel worth living

c hristia n sta nda rd 2

We can sometimes be so driven by our purpose and passion that we allow massive amounts of stress into our lives. If we are mentally unhealthy when the waves of stress really kick in, we truly risk ending up in a ditch. Do you fit that description? Are you burned-out right now? If so, that doesn’t mean you’re done. God can help you. Over time, he can take your negative space and make it part of your testimony. Burnout is a debilitating condition that erodes energy, optimism, and effectiveness. The prevalence of burnout is far greater than the willingness to talk about it or deal with it. Burnout typically occurs in six stages: Stage 1. Emotional exhaustion Stage 2. Increased frequency and duration of negative selfassessment Stage 3. Loss of emotional stability, personal discipline, and resiliency Stage 4. Isolation Stage 5. Diminished work effectiveness Stage 6. Identity impairment and confusion God’s Word includes many examples of these stages of burnout. Studying Elijah can help us spot the signs of burnout and manage stress. God called Elijah to deliver his message to evil King Ahab and his even more evil wife, Queen Jezebel. Elijah seemed to always deliver bad news, and he certainly wasn’t appreciated. He lived every day in fear for his life. Consider the stress Elijah faced—he was called out of a simple life to deliver bad news about God’s judgment, and he then had to face the unhappy response. Elijah’s first assignment: declare a drought and famine that would last for years. (Stress.) God told him to leave the country. (Stress.) Elijah was totally dependent on God, and when the water dried up, he had to go live with a Gentile. (Stress.) He helped a starving widow and her starving son. (Stress.) The son died and Elijah brought him back to life. (Stress.) Ahab sent people everywhere to find Elijah and kill him. (Stress.) Imagine three years of that!

Then Elijah came back and challenged Ahab and Jezebel’s prophets to a duel, and the whole nation turned out to watch it. After God defeated the 450 false prophets of Baal, Elijah had the people execute those prophets. After that, clouds appeared and it started to rain . . . after three years! What an incredible moment! What a win for God! What a win for Elijah . . . or so it seemed. Elijah was burned out! He was emotionally exhausted. Compare the stages of burnout, listed above, with the first several verses of 1 Kings 19. Elijah was suffering “an increased frequency and duration of negative self-assessment.” (He told God, “I am no better than my ancestors.”) He had “a loss of emotional stability and resiliency.” (He told God, “I have had enough, Lord.”). He felt totally isolated. He felt he was no longer effective. He experienced identity impairment and confusion. (He asked God to “take my life.”) Elijah was messed up! So, what did God do to help Elijah with his burnout? First, God took care of Elijah physically. God provided food and water to his prophet, and then let him sleep. This put Elijah in a position where he could hear God again. If you’re dealing with burnout, this should be a first consideration. Are you eating right? Are you getting enough sleep? What proactive things can you do to modify your behavior and workload to make that happen? Second, God reminded Elijah of what He was doing (i.e., the “big picture”). Elijah was experiencing what we might call “mission drift” . . . and we can drift too when we forget our priorities (i.e., the main things). The urgent can overpower the important. We can give all we have to the next thing and then have nothing left for the important things. Third, God told Elijah to find a ministry partner. Elijah was under the false assumption that he was completely alone and could do it alone. That isolation took away his resiliency and accountability. God reminded

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him he wasn’t alone . . . there were 7,000 people like him, and one of them needed to be a constant companion. We were never meant to do life alone. Satan strikes when we are isolated. Elijah was burned out, but he didn’t stay that way. Even though he experienced this incredibly dark time, Elijah is one of Scripture’s greatest examples of finishing well. He is one of only two people in Scripture who never died, and Elijah left an incredible successor, Elisha, who was a faithful prophet to Israel for an incredible 60 years. So, how do you make your story something like that? You’re going to deal with stress—there’s no avoiding it—but to prevent burnout, the best thing you can do is catch it early. Remember the first stage? Emotional exhaustion. You might feel a loss in vitality . . . emotionally overextended . . . prolonged stress. You might feel responsible for specific outcomes without full control of the inputs. You might have inadequate boundaries for self-care and overriding personal needs to serve others. Here are some ideas: 1.

Do a physical assessment. It will put you in a place where you can hear and respond to God better.

Find places of personal emotional replenishment. It will help you return to a position of stability.

Remember the big picture. Prioritize the important over the urgent, even if it costs you. Find the place where God becomes bigger and you become smaller.

Never walk alone.

Your story can be like Elijah’s story. You can do well and finish well. 

Jerry Harris is publisher of Christian Standard Media and teaching pastor at The Crossing, a multisite church located in three states across the Midwest. @_jerryharris /jerrydharris

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Volume CLIX. Number 1. Christian Standard (ISSN 0009-5656) is published every other month by Christian Standard Media at 16965 Pine Lane, Suite 202, Parker, CO 80134. Periodicals postage paid at Parker, CO, and additional offices.

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Justin Horey, Jim Niem an, an d Sh awn McMullen

A R E C O V E R Y M I N I S T R Y T H AT W O R K S Jim Dennis

THE BEST INVESTMENT I'VE EVER MADE Chad Goucher

I N V E S T I N G I N Y O U R L E A D E R ’ S M E N TA L AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH Tim Harlow

IRREPLACEABLE Jim Putman

WEEDS IN MY GARDEN Clayton Hentzel

HOW SHOULD CHRISTIANS VIEW GENDER DYSPHORIA? Rubel Shelly

T H E C H E M I S T R Y O F M E N TA L H E A L T H D r . We s B e a v i s

36 42 48

In Every Issue

TIN MAN: HELPING LEADERS LIVE FROM THE HEART

1-3

from the publisher

6-7

from the Editor

12-13

e 2: EFFECTIVE ELDERS ‘I’m Fine!’ Jim Estep

14-15

ENGAGE

18-19

HORIZONS

22-24

INTENTIONAL

26-27

PREACH

30-32

METRICS

88-89

the lookout

90-92

Interact

94-97

MOTIVATE

54 58 64 70 76

A Society Sick Off Freedom Tyler McKenzie

Mental Health Support Important for Those on the Field Laura McKillip Wood

The Practice and Art of Surprise: Marriage Practitioners R ud y Hagood

A Path For Healing in the Midst of Despair Chris Philbeck

Healthy Insights Kent E. Fillinger

What Motivates You? David Faust

f r o m th e edi to r

REMEMBERING MIKE / A NEW TEAM MEMBER / DEFAULTING TO MERCY AND GRACE

i write my first colomn as editor of Christian Standard

with mixed emotions. As humbled and grateful as I am to have been given this opportunity to serve Christ and our fellowship of churches, I continue to mourn the loss of the former editor, my friend Mike Mack.

When the sister magazines were given new life through the vision of The Solomon Foundation and Christian Standard Media, Mike and I worked together for three years. He edited this journal while I edited The Lookout. During that time Mike and I talked regularly, traveled together occasionally, and supported one another in our ministries. I miss Mike and I continue to pray for his family. I know that holds true for many of you as well.

as we enter the new year , we’ve added a new column to our publication. Our readers are familiar with Dave Faust, who writes a lesson application for the weekly Bible study material that appears in The Lookout. Prior to that, Dave was editor of The Lookout for many years. Dave, who serves as senior associate minister with East

91st Street Christian Church in Indianapolis, Indiana, has come on board to serve Christian Standard as contributing editor and columnist. As contributing editor, Dave will lend his voice to the planning of each issue. As our newest columnist, he will write a feature we’ve titled Motivate for our print publication. While Motivate may reflect on the theme of the current issue, we’ve asked Dave to develop any theme he chooses to help our readers grow in faith and obedience to Christ. Dave is a gifted speaker and writer whose life and example through the years have remained consistent with all he has spoken and written. Look for Motivate in the final pages of this and subsequent issues of Christian Standard.

this issue of christian standard focuses on the impor-

tance of mental health for individual believers, Christian families, and church leaders. You’ll find a variety of articles here written to help us recognize when we’re in

j a nua ry/feb rua ry 20 24 7

need of help, to direct us to ministries and resources designed to help, and to encourage empathy and sensitivity when coming alongside those who need help. It reminds me of an experience I had not long ago. After meeting friends one morning for breakfast, I walked out of the restaurant and across the parking lot to my car. A few spaces from where I parked, I noticed a sleek, new pickup truck with an extended cab angled across two parking spots. My sense of fairness erupted in a string of critical thoughts. Why take two spaces in a crowded parking lot? Is the new truck really that special? How selfish can a person be? As I fumed silently over this senseless offense, an elderly husband and wife walked out of the restaurant behind me. The woman moved slowly and unsteadily, looking as if she might topple over any moment. The man walked beside her, his hand cupped underneath her elbow, as he led her toward the truck. They came to the passenger side and the husband carefully braced his wife against the truck. He opened the door as wide as it would go and helped her into her seat. My critical thoughts dissipated when I realized what he had done. He took two spaces in the parking lot to make it as easy as possible for his struggling mate to get in and out of the truck. What I had mistaken for hubris and selfishness became one of the kindest and most tender acts of love I had witnessed in a long time. It helps to know the backstory. I watched the couple drive away and thought, How often have I criticized the words and actions of other people without any knowledge of what they’ve lived through or what they’re going through in the moment? To be fair, it’s nearly impossible to discern the backstory of people we don’t know. The chance encounter. The unexpected confrontation. But what if our default was to assume that someone who comes across as aloof, offensive, abrasive, or annoying has a backstory—a story that, if we knew it, would lead us to be kinder and more understanding in our dealings with them?

The school bully may be bullied at home. The impatient driver may be responding to a real emergency. The sullen salesclerk or the distracted server may be dealing with issues at home that are making their lives unbearable. The person who seems distant and unresponsive may have just lost a loved one, been diagnosed with a serious illness, or is battling depression. A person’s backstory doesn’t give them license to do wrong, but knowing their story (or allowing for the existence of a story we don’t yet know) can lead us to be more patient, kind, and deferential in our response to them. Jesus is our model for this. Matthew referenced the prophet Isaiah as he described the way Jesus went about ministry: “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out” (Matthew 12:20). Picture a hollow-stemmed reed at the water’s edge, weakened by wind and ready to snap in half. Or the flickering remnant of a candle wick nearing the end of its useful life. Weak and vulnerable, either can be obliterated with minimal effort. Some people are like that. We may be unaware of the circumstances that have brought them to such a place in life, but they are there, nonetheless. And we could break them if we choose. Jesus didn’t do that. Rather than break those who were at the breaking point, he restored them. He loved them and gave them hope. Of course, Jesus held a distinct advantage here, “for he knew what was in each person” (John 2:25). We rarely do, if ever. Even so, we can do something similar in our encounters with people whose backstories we don’t yet know. Let’s make mercy and grace our default response. Let’s give the difficult and the struggling some breathing room. Let’s show them Jesus. 

@shawn.a.mcmullen /shawn.a.mcmullen

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e 2: e ffe ct i v e e ld e r s

pon seeing a familiar person in the church lobby and asking them, “How are you doing?” we all know the answer that is expected: “Fine!” . . . even if it is not true. I have often wondered what would happen if someone were open and honest about their struggles. “How’s it going?” “Well, do you really want to know?” I remember a church member calling to share about a family member who had suffered a heart attack. They asked for prayer and whether someone from the church could visit with their loved one and the family. I immediately offered to help in whatever way I could.

At a L o s s f o r W o r d s

‘I’m fine!’ By Jim Estep

However, to my embarrassment, I sometimes hesitate when I receive a call from a church member or acquaintance about a family member or friend who has attempted suicide or been admitted to a facility for anxiety, depression, or some other psychological condition. I feel awkward discussing the matter and can stumble in finding the right words to say. Churches seem well prepared for helping with physical ailments and short-term emotional needs of people in the congregation, but mental health challenges can elicit a curious veil of silence. Too many people in the church and community unfairly stigmatize people with mental health issues. A failure to frankly discuss these issues during the week—and on Sunday mornings—can lead to further complications and problems, for if those with mental health challenges do not receive proper care, they can resort to maladaptive self-care such as pornography, abuse, and addictions that fail to address the real issues.

w h at c a n t h e c h u r c h d o ? Here are a few ways the church can help people who have mental health challenges: •

Be the church . . . a loving, faithful community! Paul urged the church to “[bear] with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). He also said to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). If we, as God’s people, can be open with one another about ourselves, it is a step in a healthier direction.

•

Raise awareness of mental health in our community and congregation. We can no longer simply sweep mental health issues under the proverbial rug or

j a nua ry/feb rua ry 20 24 13

“

L e a d e r s ne e d t o p r a c t i c e s e l f- c a r e , a nd t h o s e t o w h o m t he y a r e a c c o u n ta b l e ne e d t o p r o m o t e t he ir s e l f- c a r e .

bury our heads in the ecclesiastical sand. Perhaps we could familiarize ourselves with the needs of our community to reach out and minister to those in our neighborhoods. •

Be sensitive, don’t stigmatize. We need to defuse any embarrassment people may have for their mental condition and the stigma assigned to it by others. We mustn’t shy away from or ignore people who are suffering; rather, we must give those in need our presence and demonstrate our willingness to embrace the fullness of their story . . . all of it, not just the more acceptable parts.

•

Provide emotional triage, point people who are suffering toward long-term professional treatment. Most ministers are trained to provide short-term pastoral counseling to members of their congregation, but few are trained to address clinical, ongoing mental health issues. While ministers and elders may be the church’s first line of response to the issue of mental health, people who are suffering should also have access to competent, qualified mental health professionals.

•

Encourage church staff self-care. People serving on ministry staff also may occasionally struggle with mental health issues. They may use the pulpit or their pastoral title as a blind to hide behind. Leaders need to practice self-care, and those to whom they are accountable need to promote their selfcare. And, of course, elders need to care for the caregivers. 

abou t the au thor

Recommended Resources Steve Austin and Robert W. Lee, Hiding in the Pews (Fortress Press, 2021) Janyne McConnaughey, Trauma in the Pews (Berry Powell Press, 2022) Helen Thorne and Steve Midgley, Mental Health and Your Church (Good Book Company, 2023)

Tom Estep is a cofounder of e2: effective elders. He serves as dean of Lincoln Christian Institute.

e ngage

ooking for relief from anxiety, depression, or something else? If you stop the right thing, it could move you toward the right results. We are a society sick off freedom. I want to argue that the opposite of what we think of as freedom (voluntary self-limitation) can heal our mental unhealth and also explore why our culture is at war with it.

A Society Sick Off Freedom By Tyler McKenzie

Unobstructed personal freedom is gospel in our culture. It is the prescribed path to “salvation”—joy, peace, purpose, self-worth, and authentic living. In such an environment, there is a natural aversion to limitations. The frequent use of the First Amendment as a shield against our political enemies is the perfect illustration. Why do we love the First Amendment so? It’s a rule against rules. “My rights over your rules!” This summarizes the modern sentiment. Oppression and repression have become barbed buzzwords you can stick others with when you don’t want to comply with them or resent their self-restraint. Never mind Jesus says that his love language is obedience (John 14:23-24). Never mind he explains that such obedience leads to “peace of mind and heart” that “the world cannot give” (John 14:27, New Living Translation). The seeds of this heretical freedom-gospel have been planted deep. People parrot, “Follow your heart.” It’s the John 3:16 of our culture’s freedom-gospel. But do we even know what’s going on in there though? Probably not. That’s why therapists exist (and we are all realizing we need one). Go see a good therapist. Many will ask questions about your past. They may have you fill out something like a genogram which maps the generational sin, sickness, and trauma in your bloodline. When they look at that broken map you call your family tree, it’s going to take them about two minutes to say, “We got some work to do!” You don’t even know what is driving you. We all have all sorts of childhood issues and family trauma. Nature and nurture are working against us in ways we don’t even know exist.

“

A society that preaches “follow your heart and do what you feel” is a society that isn’t If y o u’r e l o o k in g f o r r e l ie f f r o m a n x ie t y, d e p r e s s i o n, o r taking seriously your s o me t hin g e l s e , s t o p p in g t he r i g h t t hin g c a n m o v e y o u past and doesn’t care t o wa r d t he r i g h t r e s ult s . about your future. The principle here is deeply Christian. We believe that true freedom is found in good limitations. Giving up your lesser freedoms to a good set of rules leads to greater freedom. This is where the conversation intersects with mental health. If our mental health struggles are at least

Voluntary self-limitation is a powerful practice that remains largely untried. It involves what we might call “disciplines of disengagement.” They include practices like:

So, reflect today. Think of what he chose to lack for the love of God and humankind. In Jesus, we see a profound truth of God’s design. Peace, healing, power, joy, freedom, love, and greatness are found in voluntary selflimitation. One of the best ways to follow Jesus’ way is to imitate this. Limit your life within the will of God. Limit your life for the sake of others. The Spirit will provide peace of mind and heart. 

•

fasting from something for 24 hours

•

taking a Sabbath day each week from work

•

limiting the quantity of your screen-intake

•

curating the quality of your screen-intake

Yet, he died. When he did, some believed he had lost the war, but Jesus knew that he had won it. He made a way for our peace that the world cannot give . . . through his voluntary self-limitation.

In the spirit of G.K. Chesterton, these Christian ideals have not been tried and found wanting. They have been found difficult and left untried. Jesus is the ultimate example. Think of how his story is marked by voluntary self-limitation. It started when the divine Jesus was born to an unwed teenager. In so doing, he limited his omniscience and omnipotence. The Bible teaches young Jesus grew in wisdom and stature (Luke 2:52). How does an all-knowing and all-powerful God grow in wisdom and stature . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation? Jesus grew up poor. The only place they had to lay him was in a feeding trough for livestock. The one who had all the riches of the heavenly realms became poor for us (2 Corinthians 8:9). How did one who owns the cattle on a thousand hills accept a bed covered in straw and manure . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation? Until age 30, Jesus lived an unspectacular life taking up the family trade as a construction worker. How did the one who built the universe become a builder of tables and roads . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation?

abou t the au thor

Then at the age of 30, Jesus put down his hardhat and decided to become a traveling preacher whose disciples were average joes, social misfits, and spiritual vagabonds. How did the one who commands the worship of angelic legions find himself preaching to disinterested hearts and befriending betrayers . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation? He did it all in three short years before he was put to death by the governing powers. How could one who humbled pharaohs and kings be crucified by one . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation?

Tyler McKenzie serves as lead pastor at Northeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky.

j a nua ry/feb rua ry 20 24

How was an immortal eternal God killed . . . without some level of voluntary self-limitation?

partially spiritual problems, the most untapped and countercultural spiritual intervention may be to restrict your freedom. Find a good rule. Stop something! Resist a desire! Put yourself under spiritual authority! Try voluntary self-limitation. If you’re looking for relief from anxiety, depression, or something else, stopping the right thing can move you toward the right results.

16 c hristia n sta nda rd

j a nua ry/feb rua ry 20 24

hori z ons

hen Troy and Roma Jean Backhuus started taking short-term mission trips in 1996, they had no idea they were beginning a ministry that would become a huge part of their lives. On that trip and subsequent ones, they witnessed how hard it can be for crosscultural ministers to get the care they need, including mental health care. Studies indicate the majority of missionaries experience a mental health disorder such as depression, anxiety, or burnout during their time of service. These servants may not have access to counseling, psychiatric services, or even friends to support them in their search for mental health care. Additionally, they often feel responsible for ministering to others and are disinclined to ask for help for themselves.

Mental Health Support Important for Those on the Field By Laura McKillip Wood

“When a missionary on the field faces depression or other mental health struggles, it doesn’t mean they are unfit for ministry,” Galina Hitching wrote at OMF International’s website (omf.org). “It does mean we need to cover them in prayer, support them, and at times give them the space from their duties as a missionary. “Rather than being surprised when a missionary faces mental health challenges,” Hitching continued, “we should expect they will experience some level of struggle in this area and be prepared to support them when they do.”

Their Ministry The Backhuuses are passionate about helping people who are ministering cross-culturally. “By coming alongside them, we can help them and guide them through the current life circumstance with the hopes of keeping them on the field, if that’s what they want,” Troy explains. The couple sees intercultural ministry as vital to the spread of the gospel and to the kingdom of God, and this fuels their passion to support missionaries. They see providing mental health services as their contribution to the spread of the gospel worldwide. Troy is a professor of counseling and has been a licensed professional counselor since 2002. He and Roma Jean took a group of college students on a short trip to Central America that year and saw the needs of the missionaries who hosted them. “We didn’t know it at the time, but we were starting to do missionary care then,” he remembers. Their efforts intensified in 2007, and in 2020 they joined One Mission Society (OMS), where Troy serves as the director of missionary care and Roma Jean is a missionary care

The couple does much of their work virtually, since they are based in Nebraska, but they also enjoy visiting the missionaries they care for in their adopted countries and seeing them in person when they visit America. The Backhuuses’ work includes leading workshops, retreats, and counseling sessions, coaching, mentoring, and generally supporting the missionaries with whom they work. Right now, they work at it part-time, but it still occupies a lot of their time every week.

To learn more about the work of Troy and Roma Jean Backhuus, visit their website at https://onemissionsociety.org/ missionaries/detail/Backhuus. 

The Backhuuses feel blessed when they minister to others. They enjoy the time they spend with the people they work with, whether that occurs at home or abroad. They enjoy learning about other people’s lives and ministries, and they love to hear how their work has helped others. The work includes some unique challenges, such as scheduling meetings.

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W e s h o ul d e x p e c t mi s s io n a r ie s w il l e x p er ie n c e s o me l e v el o f s t r u g gl e in t hi s a r e a a nd b e p r epa r ed t o s up p o r t t he m w he n t he y d o.

“We deal with so many time zones around the world, it can be frustrating to get the meetings scheduled,” Troy says. They also long to be in the field with the people they work with when crises happen, but that is not always possible. “We pray for an opportunity to make a visit.”

abou t the au thor

Their Work One impactful experience occurred when they were called to the field to work with a family who had been in a serious car accident. The family was being treated at a missionary-run hospital, but there was little to no professional mental health support. The accident happened six days before Christmas, which added to the stress. The Backhuuses helped the family navigate a difficult challenge. It was a situation in which they truly felt God working through them. The Backhuuses are currently helping longtime missionaries in war-torn Ukraine. The ambassadors for Christ there are bearing a huge burden as they minister to people they love amid a painful and dangerous situation. The need for the gospel in Ukraine is great, but so is the need to support Ukrainian missionaries. “We are honored to support them as they continue their work,” Troy says. The Backhuuses hope to continue ministering to people living and working cross-culturally for many more years. Their children are grown, and the couple is hoping to continue expanding their work as God sees fit.

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“We care for them and their needs,” Troy explains.

“We will see how the Lord provides, and with good health and support we should be able to continue this ministry,” Troy says. The need is great, and this couple is willing!

specialist. They see themselves as “missionaries to the missionary.”

Laura McKillip Wood, former missionary to Ukraine, now serves as bereavement coordinator and palliative care chaplain at Children's Hospital and Medical Center in Omaha, Nebraska. She and her husband, Andrew, have three teenagers. /laura.wood2 @woodlaura30 @woodlaura30 lauramckillipwood.com lauramckillipwood@gmail.com

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inte nt i ona l

The Practice and Art of Surprise: Marriage Practitioners By Rudy Hagood

y wife, the unbelievably beautiful Osharye, recently shared an article titled, “We’re Talking About (Marriage) Practice.” In it, she reminded us of the cultural phenomenon from 2002 when basketball star Allen Iverson famously said, “We’re talking about practice . . . not a game . . . we’re talking about practice.” (If you haven’t read it, you might enjoy doing so before reading this.)

Osharye’s words got me to thinking about the areas of our marriages that are underdeveloped due to a lack of, well, practice. One area where we could become proficient is in the art of surprise. Many of us were all about surprise when we were dating, but once we got married, had kids, and got expanded work responsibilities, well, this relational practice simply and gradually drifted away. So, I want to share seven simple practices you can use to surprise your spouse. And I think these will be easy (even for you “Surprise Grinches” out there). But before I list these seven practices, I want to share two things. First, we’re all just human beings who are trying to do our best; in other words, there are no experts, just practitioners. So, whenever I mess up, I like to remind Osharye, “Hey, we’re just practicing, Baby.” Matter of fact, we’re all just practicing. But, if we want a world-championship marriage, we all must put in the practice. If you want confirmation of this, just ask Allen Iverson. Second, I want to share this proverb, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22, English Standard Version). A great marriage honors the “good thing” or the blessing that is marriage.

7 Practices for Surprise 1. Do for Her/Him What Their Dad/Mom Used to Do I know in-laws can be a touchy subject. And I know you are still wondering how they produced such an amazing person as your spouse. But if you want a cool way to surprise your mate, do for them that thing that their mom or their dad used to do for them. Maybe it’s taking them out for or preparing a particular meal, or keeping the gas tank filled . . . I don’t know. With Osharye, it’s keeping the car washed and detailed. Now, I’m not a “keep the car perfectly cleaned” person, and I’m definitely not a “detail the car” person. But Osharye’s dad kept his yard pristine and he always washed and waxed his car. Let me tell you, whenever I make sure the car is washed and detailed, it’s a good day. I think it’s more about her dad than the car. But whatever the reason, It’s always a good surprise for Osharye!

3. Join What They Do with No Ado What do they do, that you never do, that you make a big to-do about, whenever they ask you to do what they do? (Got that?) Is it going to sporting events, or to the gym, or maybe eating healthily. Maybe your spouse likes to join book clubs and has always wanted you to join one with them, but reading is just not your thing, so until now you have taken a pass. Why not surprise them by suggesting a book club you could both join? You will benefit U s e y o ur me m o r y t o c r e at e a me m o r y, o r m ay b e personally by stimuu s e y o ur o b s e r vat i o n t o c r e at e a n o p p o r t u ni t y. lating your mind, and you will earn points by raising the level of your conversations.

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4. Do What They Do (for No Apparent Reason) We all are grateful when someone notices what we do. One of the best ways to express your love is to take over that task for them for a day, a week, or a month, depending on the activity/duty. Believe me, your spouse will feel seen and loved. This is a tangible way to say “I love you” and “I appreciate you” without words. It might involve cooking, taking the kids to practice, helping with homework, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or something else. Whatever it is, do what they do . . . for no apparent reason. They will thank you for it! 5. Orchestrate a Special Date for Your Mate When I say “orchestrate,” I mean “do it all” . . . to the degree your spouse’s only concern is enjoying themselves. As the kids say, “Take care of the ‘deets’” (meaning details). Pull off a surprise date for the ages. You line up the babysitter. You pick the place and time, and you make the reservations. Consider buying flowers. The more details you handle, the better!

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This one is particularly focused on couples with kids, but it could apply to all couples. If you see your spouse getting overwhelmed, plan an “alone day vacay” for the win! Several times, when we were raising our kids, I booked a room at a hotel for Osharye to go to by herself, and I stayed home with the kids for the day or a weekend. Osharye loved it because she got a chance to refresh. The kids loved it because they knew we were going to play board games, make s’mores on the stove, and go to see a bunch of movies. I still feel bad about how my daughter’s hair looked while Osharye was gone. Yet, the surprise “alone day vacay” was always worth it.

2. Plan an Alone Day Vacay.

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6. Let Them Pick the ‘Stream’ and Make the Night a Dream

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It can be a nightmare to decide what to watch on TV with Osharye. First, I’ve got to decide on Netflix, Hulu, Max, Prime . . . Wow, there are so many choices now! And once we get past that, the truth is, I like what I like, and I’m not even sure why Osharye likes what she likes. What is she thinking? AAARRRRGGGHHH! I’m guessing it might be the same with you. So, the next time the two of you decide to “Netflix and chill,” I suggest you surprise your spouse by letting them pick the show. If they always pick the show, then you pick a show that you think you both will enjoy. This surprising practice will change the streaming nightmare into a streaming dream.

M ay b e a d d in g a l i t t l e s ur p r i s e w il l b l e s s t he f r ie nd s hip in y o ur m a r r i a g e .

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7. Remember What They Say and Make It a Day.

Rudy and Osharye Hagood have seven children and nine grandchildren so far. Osharye is a women’s minister who is also certified as both a life coach and a health coach. Rudy is a college professor with a background in social work. They love being married and love to bless both married and engaged couples. @rudy.hagood @rudy_hagood_

Use your memory to create a memory, or maybe use your observation to create an opportunity. Here’s what I mean. Does your spouse say, “I would love to do that,” every time you watch a movie where a couple takes a cooking class together? Use that memory to make a memory. Is the Apple Watch they love getting old, but they would never upgrade to a new one? Buy the upgraded watch for them. Observation leads to opportunities. This could be as affordable or as expensive as makes sense in the season of life you are in, but the surprise will be beautiful regardless. Remember what they say, and make it a day to remember! I encourage you not to give up on the practice and art of surprise. It is one way to live out the beauty of marriage that God designed. I like what Harville Hendrix said: “Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends.” Maybe adding a little surprise will bless the friendship in your marriage. Why not try one of these practices? If it’s a hit, great. If not, just remember: “We’re talking about practice . . . not a game . . . we’re talking about practice.” 

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pr e ach

aving served as a pastor for more than 43 years, I know how challenging ministry can be to a person’s mental and emotional health. I also know how difficult it is for pastors to be honest about this challenge. A tension often exists between despair we feel over certain realities of life and our commitment to faithfulness. Tension can also be found in the pages of the Bible.

L E A R N I N G F R O M D AV I D

A PATH FOR HEALING IN THE MIDST OF DESPAIR By Chris Philbeck

In studying David’s life, we see he experienced times of great despair even though he’s described as a man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14; Acts 13:22). He wrote, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalm 42:11). David clearly showed us how to respond to life’s difficulties (put your hope in God), and at the same time exposed the reality of wrestling with despair while holding on to our faith. Even Jesus felt this tension. On the night he was arrested, Jesus told Peter, James, and John, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Mark 14:34). After walking a little farther, “he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. ‘Abba, Father,’ he said, ‘everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will’” (vv. 35-36). In his prayer, Jesus revealed the tension between the reality of what he felt in his humanity and his commitment to being obedient to the will of God. It’s that tension that often keeps pastors from being honest about their mental and emotional struggles. A friend recently sent a link to a blog post titled “Departure: Why I Left the Church” at restorativefaith.org. The column made me sad, but I appreciated the honesty of the pastor who wrote it. Here’s an excerpt:

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I have become part of what is known as the Great Pastor Resignation that came in the wake of the pandemic. Barna did a national survey of pastors and, as of March 2022, 42 percent of pastors considered quitting. The reasons for this are myriad, but the top five reasons given are as follows:

L e t t he r e a d in g, me d i tat i o n, s t u d y, a nd d e l i v e r y o f G o d’s W o r d b r in g he a l in g t o y o u r s o u l .

The immense stress of the job: 56 percent

I feel lonely and isolated: 43 percent

Current political divisions: 38 percent

I am not optimistic about the future of my church: 29 percent

The author went on to say that the top two reasons on that list, along with other more personal reasons, are why he chose to resign.

THE HEALING POWER OF THE WORD So, what can pastors do to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that come along with ministry to help them persevere in difficult times? That question has many possible answers, but here’s one thing that has worked for me during my ministry. Let the reading, meditation, study, and delivery of God’s Word bring healing to your soul. When I pour myself into God’s Word to write a sermon, I gain great, personal appreciation and knowledge for why Jesus called the Holy Spirit the “Spirit of truth” in John 14, because he pours truth into my life. Sometimes that truth confronts me, sometimes it comforts me, and sometimes it challenges me, but it always changes me. And there’s something about taking that truth and crafting it into a message to be shared with others that encourages and sustains me, regardless of how I’m feeling personally.

temporary means, “anything associated with time.” Anything that begins and ends. So, Paul indicated the best way to not lose heart is to focus on eternal things, and that includes the work God is doing in your life as you serve him. God works in my life through preaching, because in the work of preaching I hear the counsel of God, I receive the comfort of God, and I am reminded of the call of God. I assure you, I’m not trying to reduce something as serious as mental and emotional health to simply writing a sermon. But I do believe in the power of God’s Word and the impact it can have on every aspect of your life. David wrote, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). I feel the presence of God and even the pleasure of God in preaching, and it strengthens my life. 

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I was struggling emotionally a couple of years ago. During my weekly sermon prep, I studied 2 Corinthians 4: Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (vv. 16-18). I love Paul’s reminder that no matter what we are experiencing in our lives on the outside, God is at work on the inside. But that final sentence is what really spoke to me in my struggle. The phrase, “So we fix our eyes” can be translated as, “While we look.” That was meaningful because it reminded me our ability to not lose heart is conditional upon our willingness to look not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. As Paul so powerfully shared, “For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” That word

Chris Philbeck serves as senior pastor of Mount Pleasant Christian Church in Greenwood, Indiana. He has been in ministry since 1980 and has had the privilege of planting a new church, leading a turnaround church, and now leading a megachurch. /PastorCPhilbeck @cphilbeck @pastorphilbeck

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I am unhappy with the effect this role has had on my family: 29 percent

me t r i cs “Hurting people hurt people” is a familiar and true phrase. But on the flip side, “healthy people help people.” A minister’s spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical health will directly affect his ability to lead, serve, and help others. The healthier the leader, the more fruitful he can and will be. A recent Gallup survey found that workers are more stressed this year than last year. This coincides with a 2022 survey by ValuePenguin (a research and analysis company) that reported 84 percent of Americans feel stressed at least once in a typical week. A U.S. Surgeon General report said that common workplace stressors include low salaries, long hours, and a lack of opportunity for advancement. (Those three stressors sound a lot like ministry to me!)

Healthy Insights By Kent E. Fillinger

The 2021 Pastor Attrition Study by Lifeway Research reported that half of ministers often feel the demands of ministry are greater than they can handle. The study found 63 percent of pastors say their role is frequently overwhelming, and 41 percent say they are often concerned about their family’s financial security. These stressors often have a negative impact on the overall health of a minister. There are two other challenges many ministers face that can also diminish their health.

A LWAY S O N ? The Pastor Attrition Study found that 71 percent of ministers said they feel they must be “on call” 24 hours a day. This feeling persists despite God modeling the principle of Sabbath rest during creation and reiterating the value of a Sabbath in the Ten Commandments. So, it should come as no surprise that a 2023 study reported in the Journal of Applied Psychology confirmed the benefits of leaders taking a mental break from their work. The researchers found that when leaders stop thinking about work in the evening, they are less likely to feel depleted the following day. An evening’s rest, in turn, helps them see themselves as leaders and to act the part, making them more effective the next day. Even the people who report to the leader reported a positive difference in the leader’s behavior, according to the study, with the leader’s communication and effectiveness improving. If you’re suffering from “accessibility overload,” then it’s time to create some healthy boundaries for your life and ministry. True productivity requires periods of rest. If Jesus needed time alone, how much more do we?

Addicted to Ministry?

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A mini s t e r’s s p ir i t u a l , me n ta l , e m o t i o n a l , a nd A May 2023 Wall Street Journal p h y s i c a l he a lt h w il l d ir e c t ly a f f e c t hi s a b il i t y t o article addressed the issue of enl e a d, s e r v e , a nd he l p o t he r s . trepreneurs who are addicted to their work. “There is workaholism, and then there is addiction,” April J. Spivack wrote. “Entrepreneurs who cross the line into addiction don’t just work too hard. Rather, for them, the business becomes their life. They derive all meaning from it, and their emotions rise and fall with it. They are always hungry to expand or launch another startup—even if it isn’t wise to do so.” (From the article, “Entrepreneurs Famously Work Hard; for Many, Dangerously So.”) The article caused me to think of some lead ministers and church planters I’ve crossed paths with during my 30 years of ministry. I see this hard-driving approach as a lurking danger that often gets masked behind the guise of serving God and helping people. The WSJ article examined six traits that demonstrate when a leader has crossed the line from workaholism into addiction that are applicable to ministers and their work. If you’re a church or business leader, honestly assess how many of these traits are true for you. I adapted the traits of work addiction to ministry, and they are: •

All the minister thinks about is the church. Addicted ministers think about the church or ministry virtually all the time. When they are not obsessing over the day-to-day workings of the church, they are pondering new ministry initiatives.

•

They have manic cycles. With addicted pastors, their moods and motivation alternate between strong highs and lows, depending on the state of the church. They are elated and energized when they are serving and working, they are full of excitement when leading and helping others, but they are miserable and can feel trapped when they are not leading. When addicted ministers take a break from work, they can become agitated and irritated.

•

Their self-worth is tied to the church. Addicted pastors start to measure their worth entirely by the

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In Out of Control: Finding Peace for the Physically Exhausted and Spiritually Strung Out, authors Ben Young and Dr. Samuel Adams asked these great questions: What if you dared to take God at his word and took a full day off for physical and spiritual rest . . . or simply to spend time with friends, family, and God? What if you actually unplugged all your technological toys for a day—could you imagine the impact?

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Av o id in g t he s e o u t c o me s r e q u ir e s s e l f-awa r e ne s s t o ta k e p r e v e n tat i v e s t e p s .

growth or success of their church. So, they feel great about themselves when the church is doing well, but miserable if not. For ministry addicts, the success of the church becomes the biggest determinant of their mood.

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•

They become one-dimensional. Addicted ministers start defining themselves entirely by their church. They don’t think of themselves as parents or spouses who serve in ministry for a living. They are ministers first, and everything else becomes a footnote. Pastors often feel social pressure to focus on their church and make sure it grows, especially those pastors who lead very visible churches.

•

They keep raising the stakes. Addiction often escalates. The pastors find themselves grasping for more leadership in the church and pursuing greater success, and they feel compelled to take bigger risks to feed their need.

•

They do things in secret and suffer alone. As with many addicts of all types, addicted pastors often recognize their destructive patterns and feel guilty and ashamed about what they are doing. But instead of seeking help or just confiding in someone, they hide their feelings and keep their activities secret.

The consequences of ministry addiction can be traumatic. It can lead to sickness, insomnia, poor health, damaged relationships, destroyed marriages, and spiritual decay.

Kent E. Fillinger serves as president of 3:STRANDS Consulting, Indianapolis, Indiana, and regional vice president (Ohio, Pennsylvania, Michigan) with Christian Financial Resources.

/3strandsconsulting 3strandsconsulting.com

Avoiding these outcomes requires self-awareness to take preventative steps. One great step is to find a trusted friend outside the church who can hold you accountable and ensure you take time off and invest in your spiritual, mental, emotional, relational, and physical health. This isn’t easy because workaholism in ministry can be a revered part of our culture. It is important to remind ourselves of that invisible line and recognize that stepping over it is a lot easier than stepping back once you’ve crossed it. Remember, healthy people help people. 

THANK YOU FOR A GREAT CONFERENCE! SEE YOU IN LEXINGTON!

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H e lp i n g Le a d e r s L I V E F RO M T H E H E A RT Compiled by Justin Horey, Jim Nieman, and Shawn McMullen

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Pa r t o f th e problem p eo p le s u ffe r li es i n th e fact t h at we ten d to c o m pa r e “o u r i n s i d es” to e v e ryb o dy e l s e ’ s “o u ts i d es .”

Christianity Today, for example, produced a popular multipart series of podcasts called “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” that focused on the spectacular collapse of a Seattle-based megachurch and its founder/leader Mark Driscoll. But leaders of both large and small churches can fail, and virtually all of them can struggle. And most pastors feel they have nowhere to go, no one to talk to. Most of them have no close friends. Many of them suffer in silence. Some can be caught up in addictions. Jeff Schulte, founder and CEO of Tin Man Ministries (www.tinmanministries.org/), succeeded in planting Fellowship Bible Church in Nashville, which grew from 4 to 4,000 in seven years, but, he says, “I didn’t have the emotional tools to process” it all. He said there was no organization he could turn to. Ultimately, two individuals came alongside Schulte and helped him deal with issues he had long kept hidden. Over time, Schulte did recover, and then church leaders started going to him for help. Todd Wermers, the president and director of coaching at Tin Man, suffered addictions while serving in ministry, resigned, sought help from Schulte, and ultimately returned to the same church. But when people started going to Wermers for help with their own personal struggles, he decided to reenter school to study counseling. Together, Schulte and Wermers, along with Phil Herndon (who has a background in clinical psychology), lead Tin Man Ministries, named for the character from The Wizard of Oz—someone who joins a band of “misfits” as he searches for a heart.

here’s nothing the unbelieving world loves more than to see church leaders succumb to temptation and experience a moral failing. But it’s not just the unbelieving world. The church has been known to eat its own.

r ecov e r t h e li fe yo u ' v e lo st

& d i s cov e r t h e li fe yo u d es i r e .

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L I V I N G F RO M T H E H E A RT Tin Man Ministries seeks to help ministry professionals and others “learn to live from the heart” so they can “recover the life they’ve lost and discover the life they desire.” After all, as you’ll recall, at the end of the movie, the Tin Man discovered he had a heart all along . . . he just wasn’t in touch with it. The ministry’s aim is to help people reconnect with their hearts by talking about things that are difficult to talk about. “Our niche is actually doing relationships,” Schulte said. That isn’t possible by reading a book or watching YouTube. “We don’t experience Jesus alone on a mountaintop. . . . If you can’t be in need, you can’t be loved.” The process of spiritual transformation requires emotional, relational healing, Schulte said. Unless people can emotionally mature, they can’t spiritually mature. “I don’t think mental health can be separated from spiritual health,” Schulte said. Like the characters in The Wizard of Oz, every person needs something different in order to be whole or be healed. There is, therefore, no one-size-fits-all approach for church leaders, business owners, or executives experiencing inner turmoil alongside outward success. Most people in turmoil, or recovering from trauma, or trapped in addiction, don’t even know what kind of help they need, Schulte said. Tin Man doesn’t expect you to know. They’ll help you figure that out.

While some clients benefit from traditional “talk therapy,” others need more concentrated time and attention. Still others find that less formal coaching provides the right level of assistance and accountability. Schulte says people change in relationships. “Intimate relationships are by nature therapeutic,” he said. “Codependent people don’t have boundaries.” Part of the problem people suffer lies in the fact that we tend to compare “our insides” to everybody else’s “outsides,” Schulte said. It’s important that leaders continue to recognize their need for God. “If you can’t be in need, you can’t be loved,” Schulte said. “My need opens a door to experience [God’s] love.” Wermers describes the ministry of Tin Man as “washing the feet of those who are washing the feet of others.” He said knowledge of God and knowledge of self are both critical. That’s why it’s so important to “help pastors get their hearts back.” The 12 steps without the gospel makes people sober but doesn’t make them “well,” he added. Humans are notoriously bad at diagnosing their own emotional/psychological challenges. Prescribing an effective cure for yourself is even more elusive. Pastors, executives, and entrepreneurs devote thousands of hours to their areas of expertise, but only a tiny fraction of them have comparable levels of self-awareness.

Wo u n d i n g occ u r s a s a r es u lt o f r e l at i o n s h i p s . . .

b u t s o do es h e a li n g .

Leaders who work with Tin Man engage in oneon-one weekly coaching with an experienced and trained Tin Man mentor. This is crucial to the leader’s development, as they have found that leaders who do not pursue this course of action from their own initiative may be displaying a resistance to relational vulnerability when they are not in control.

I N T EG R AT I V E L E A D E R S H I P D E V E LO P M E N T Tin Man offers an integrative approach to leadership development that addresses the whole person through a targeted focus on the individual’s emotional awareness, or EQ. Tin Man works with seasoned leaders who have experienced a measure of success as well as those leaders who are growing and maturing in their leadership. They have discovered that many leaders, when under pressure to perform, instinctively work from the neck up, relying on their intellect, moral compass, and determination to generate success. Because of their inflexibility and inability to read emotional cues from colleagues, teammates, and subordinates, such leaders are often unable to recognize blind spots, may struggle with burnout, and over time may exhibit a history of strained working relationships. Tin Man’s goal is to help those leaders grow into transformational leaders who have access to their hearts and who have found a place of deep passion and relational connectedness. From this place of greater self-awareness, these transformational leaders learn to lead from the heart, to view others with a growing capacity for empathy, and to engage with and empower those they lead.

Another vital part of the ministry is Tin Man Leadership Intensive, a four-day, highly interactive and immersive experience with a maximum of six participants and two coach/facilitators. This is the equivalent of a year of weekly one-on-one mentoring or coaching, helping participants find the “bottlenecks,” or limiting factors, in their lives and the solutions to them. Most participants experience newfound passion for their work, motivation to be more productive in their careers, and increased fulfillment in their personal relationships. The goal of the Leadership Intensive is to help each participant become a fuller and more whole version of themselves, empowering them to experience greater fulfillment and success in all they do in life. Taking part in the Leadership Intensive in conjunction with one-on-one coaching enhances and deepens the benefit of coaching tenfold. Tin Man’s approach to mentoring is rooted in Scripture and grounded in life experience. Their coaches approach their work with a deep understanding of the pressures, conflicts, and moral issues faced by leaders in today’s fastpaced, bottom-line driven work environment. Equipped with the experience, strength, and hope of their own journeys, Tin Man coaches offer the benefit of a combined 60 years of experience and more than 40,000 hours of counseling, pastoral experience, and coaching in one-on-one and small-group settings. If you feel like your insides don’t match your outside, but you don’t know why, that’s not unusual. If your outer successes aren’t matched by inner peace, you aren’t alone. If you think you might need help, but don’t know what kind of help to ask for, Schulte said, Tin Man stands ready to assist. Wounding occurs as a result of relationships . . . but so does healing. 

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T H E P RO C E S S

A R ECOV E RY M I N IST RY T H AT WOR K S “ T H E T H I E F CO M E S O N LY TO S T E A L A N D K I LL A N D D E S T R OY; I H AV E CO M E T H AT T H E Y M AY H AV E LI F E , A N D H AV E I T TO T H E F U LL” ( J O H N 10 :10) . BY J I M D E N N I S

hat comes to mind when you hear the word recovery? Perhaps your first thought takes you to people with addiction issues. The alcoholic who can’t get his act together who rides a motorized bike around town because of his multiple DUI convictions. Or the emaciated drug addict with sunken eyes. These are just two of the stereotypes recovering people and recovery groups have dealt with for years. Perhaps you envision groups gathering in the basement of a church somewhere, participating in a program run by someone who most likely doesn’t even attend that church. Many Christians think they don’t have “those kinds of people” attending their church, and as a result, they don’t see a need for their church to offer a recovery ministry. Most of us have something we need to work through and recover from. We began our recovery ministry at The Crossing 12 years ago, and in that time, we have seen amazing things happen. We have watched people find freedom from life-controlling issues and begin leading entirely new lives in Jesus Christ. A few years after we launched our original recovery ministry, we realized the program wasn’t producing much fruit. Then four years ago, through a series of God-orchestrated circumstances, we discovered re:generation, a recovery ministry created by Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas. I called Nate Graybill, the ministry’s developer and leader. Nate explained that their annual training for the ministry would be held soon. We decided to attend the training and learn more about the program. Within hours of listening to the leadership team explain re:generation, we knew it was what we needed to offer to struggling people in our Midwestern region. Here is what makes re:generation special and why you might want to consider adopting it in your church to help people find freedom from the issues that have controlled them.

Re:generation (www.regenerationrecovery.org) is a 12-step recovery ministry used by more than 300 churches and organizations in the United States and around the world. According to their website, “re:generation is a biblically based discipleship program offering healing, recovery, and freedom from any type of struggle.” Its developers regard the yearlong re:generation journey not as a program, but as discipleship ministry. Participants meet weekly and engage in daily readings and workbook assignments that help identify their issues and the underlying root causes. The workbooks contain nearly 900 Scripture passages for study and discussion. Topics include love, grace, repentance, identity in Christ, forgiveness, making amends, and serving others. The program identifies 117 different issues people may face. Be careful if you decide to read the list and take a personal inventory. When we started re:generation, we soon realized that alcohol and drugs were minor issues compared to many others that were listed. Re:generation can help anyone who is willing to admit they are broken and need help. They must then be willing to put in the necessary work to finally deal with the root issues. Many of our people struggled as they emerged from the COVID-19 pandemic. Their struggles included worry, anxiety, fear, depression, anger, drugs, alcohol, co-dependency, pornography, and past sexual or physical abuse. Re:generation will change how your church looks at recovery ministry. In the past, people at our church thought of recovery as being for those with addiction issues, but they now see it differently. In fact, we have had more than 20 staff members go through the program. Would your staff feel safe coming forward and admitting they needed to do some work on themselves? It is wonderful for our church people to see our staff right in the middle of recovery with them, not hiding out in special groups. In fact, I know of a church in California that expects all new employees to go through re:generation within their first year of joining the staff. It is part of their church culture!

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WHAT MAKES RE:GENERATION A UNIQUE RECOVERY MINISTRY?

R E:GE N E R AT ION C A N H E L P A N YON E W HO I S W I L L I NG TO A DM I T T H EY A R E BROK E N & N E E D HE L P.

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From experience, I know that many of the issues we struggle with make us feel “less than” and unqualified to serve in the church. These issues can also lead us into unhealthy communication patterns and prevent us from receiving the kind of coaching we really need. In many cases, we are in recovery because of sin issues, and our sin issues keep us from serving or leading. By dealing with our sin issues properly and in a biblical way, we remove the limitations and free ourselves to serve and lead. Surrendering to God and admitting that we are powerless lead to change. Participants who do this are restored to health and are ready to use what they have learned to help others.

RE:GENERATION TEACHES THAT OUR IDENTITY IS IN JESUS CHRIST, NOT IN OUR ISSUES OR HURTS. Those who participate in the re:generation ministry are taught who Christ is, what he did for us, and what that means for us as his followers. (Yes, there is a chapter asking if the reader has been saved and what to do if they haven’t been.) The Scriptures and teachings constantly remind us that we are new creations and that we are to be holy and live a life that reflects the lordship of Jesus Christ. It’s a joy to see someone “get it” for the first time and to watch them suddenly realize they can have a new life free from current or past sin issues.

RE:GENERATION COMES WITH TRAINING, SUPPORT, AND RESOURCES FROM A GREAT TEAM WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF EXPERIENCE. Watermark Church has created several ministries that they willingly share with other churches and organizations. This was evident when we attended our initial training in Dallas. Training workbooks can be ordered as needed. Teaching videos are available, as well as dozens of other videos and handouts (www.watermarkresources. com). All the resources you need for this ministry are available online. Your tech team will not have to create anything. The Watermark team provides coaching as you launch your ministry and remains available anytime for a phone call to answer your questions. I cannot say enough about our experience with Watermark, with Nate Graybill, and with their leadership. Since we launched re:generation in our church, we’ve used two additional ministry models developed by them. They continue to bless us and many others through their innovation, service, and leadership. I became sober at age 45 and have now gone 19 years without a drink. I am approaching 16 years in ministry. My recovery started when I asked for help, realizing I was not alone. I have been around recovery and recovering people ever since. Re:generation has proven to be a powerful discipleship ministry tool for people in need of recovery and a great starting point for churches seeking to launch a recovery ministry. 

Jim Dennis serves with The Crossing, a multisite church located in three states across the Midwest.

RE:GENERATION HELPS PEOPLE GET HEALTHY AND GIVES THEM A PLACE TO SERVE.

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s e i n o m i t tes HERE ARE TESTIMONIES FROM PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THE RE:GENERATION MINISTRY.

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Bret t “Re:generation has impacted our church by creating a culture of honesty and accountability with the participants and [it has] given program mentors the knowledge they need to lead effectively. This ministry has taught us that recovery is not just for those who have alcohol or substance-abuse problems. It has impacted me personally as well, encouraging me to turn to Jesus for things that are going on in my life and not to worldly desires, and to turn to his Word for guidance. The mentor component has aided my walk with Jesus by having another spiritually mature man walk alongside me as I went through the ministry.”

A MINISTRY LEADER AND STAFF MEMBER WITH A CHURCH IN ILLINOIS:

Sean

A PASTOR AND MINISTRY LEADER WITH A CHURCH IN INDIANA: “I see re:generation blessing not just this generation but generations to come in our congregation. People are taking next steps with Jesus that will influence their children and their grandchildren. We’ve seen marriages restored, purity pursued, and the chains of painful addictions broken. Not only are our participants seeking the new life that Christ has to offer, but they are also returning to our ministry in leadership and mentorship.”

Rachel

A MINISTRY LEADER AND STAFF MEMBER WITH THE ROCK CHURCH, CONWAY, SOUTH CAROLINA: “We have been running re:generation for the last four years. We have seen many people from the church and the surrounding community come to know Christ and find freedom from the things that drag them down. The ministry has impacted our congregation by creating an awareness that addiction issues go far beyond drugs and alcohol. We invite everyone to come to re:generation and find healing. People often come to us broken and resistant. We show them grace and provide a safe place where they can finally let down their guard and unpack their hurts. The curriculum invokes deep thought and processing. As a result, participants come to know who they are in Christ and no longer define themselves by what they have done or by what has been done to them. They find freedom to move forward in their relationship with Christ by serving and helping others find their freedom as well.”  Author’s note: Brett and Rachel, quoted above, are on staff at their churches because of their involvement in the recovery ministry and the fruit it produces.

On that day in 2013—on what should have been one of the best days of my career—I realized there was a ceiling to what I could do both professionally and personally without having other people speak into my life. It was the fifth anniversary celebration of the church I planted. We had record attendance and many people were baptized. The party atmosphere was electric. For everyone else. Personally, I couldn’t wait to get home and away from the church!

In my life, I have made some good investments and some bad investments. Let me begin by telling you about one of the really bad ones.

I made what was perhaps my worst investment when I was in college. I took out a student loan and used the funds to purchase a membership at a local golf course. It’s the truth. I was in Bible college, and I obviously wasn’t majoring in finance. I loved golf and wasn’t fond of the classroom so— at the time—it made perfect sense to me. Make no mistake, my golf handicap improved dramatically during those months. However, the rate at which I lowered my golf scores paled when compared with the rate of decline in my GPA. The golf membership ended long before I paid off that student loan. Investment advice, anyone? Now that I have earned your trust and gained your confidence, I will share “insider information” on what by far has been my best investment. Here it is . . . I joined a covenant group. “What is a covenant group?” you might ask. “Can I still get in on the ground floor? What is the return on investment? What is the upfront expense? What are the historic results?” I know there are lots of questions, so let me try to answer them by sharing my story of how this investment continues to pay off.

We had five weekend worship services and after each one I would text my wife, “1 service down, 4 to go” . . . “2 services down, 3 to go” . . . “4 services down, 1 to go” . . . After that last one, she responded, “You are not well. This is not good. You need help!” As you may already have concluded, my wife is the smart one in our relationship. She was right! I needed help and I needed it immediately. I had run too long, too fast . . . alone. Her assessment led to some intense professional counseling that saved my ministry. After my professional counseling sessions were completed, I saw the value in what I had learned and really understood the importance of letting some smart, caring people speak into my life. I also knew that I didn’t need ongoing professional help, but I did need to find some godly men who understood the unique challenges pastors deal with daily and who could regularly and freely speak into my life and ministry. Up to that point, the relatively rare, informal gatherings I enjoyed with good ministry friends were filled with laughter and reminiscence. But those brief get-togethers rarely, if ever, involved heartfelt conversations about difficulties and issues we faced. We hit the highlights, but it just wasn’t enough.

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I’m the type of person who likes to get things done. Allow me to clarify . . . I like to be left alone to get things done on my own. I’m not a fan of committees, meetings, group sessions, and those sorts of things. And I seemed to do pretty well on my own by keeping those things to a bare minimum. The church I was leading (and continue to lead) was growing, my family was doing well, and I seemed to be on cruise control. Until I wasn’t.

RECOGNIZING THE NEED

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Sometime later, during a virtual conference call, I heard about soul care covenant groups from Alan Ahlgrim, founder of Covenant Connections. I knew immediately it was something I could benefit from, and I desperately wanted to participate. So, during the meeting, I sent another attendee a private message asking if he might be interested in joining a covenant group. (I hereby apologize to those who were conducting the meeting.) My friend quickly replied, “YES!” We each agreed to reach out to a couple of guys we knew who might benefit from a soul care group. Surprisingly, our group of four men came together quickly. Once we had our guys, I reached out to Alan and told him we were ready to start a group. Alan had a leader who was ready, and we were quickly off and running. It was simple. Let me be very clear, our group is not designed as an accountability group (a term that has always sent bolts of fear down my spine), a discipleship group, or even a learning cohort. However, at different times—as our relationships have strengthened—it has been all of those. This band of brothers has become a source of encouragement, truth, inspiration, and some serious fun! We prioritize our time together by using the following method laid out by Covenant Connections: • We made an initial three-year commitment to the soul care group. We put the meetings on our calendars and we make them a priority. • We agree to meet in-person two times per year— in the spring and fall—for 2.5-day retreats. These gatherings have become highlights of my year as we laugh, share, learn, and grow together.

THE RIGHT KIND OF HELP

THE BENEFITS The exact “return on investment” from being in a covenant group is hard to quantify, but these things I know to be true: • I am a better husband, father, and leader because these men are in my life. • My emotional and mental health are better. Having like-minded fellow pastors who understand and relate to the life I lead has been invaluable. • My church has benefitted because they get a better version of me. I am healthier, happier, and better resourced after being with my group. I’ve heard that smart people learn from their mistakes, but geniuses learn from the mistakes of others. My early mistakes in investing (I did finally pay off that student loan, by the way) and in ministry (running too fast and too long all by myself) might be warnings to you. I encourage my fellow ministers to reach out, take the step, and get in a covenant group. A better version of yourself is waiting to emerge.

• We meet via video conference once a month. This keeps us connected and current with each other.

Learn more about Covenant Connections and how to join a soul care covenant group at www.covenantconnections.life. 

Together, we also make an annual financial commitment to Covenant Connections to provide for the formation of more groups and to support the network that equips and supplies group leaders.

Chad Goucher serves as lead pastor with Refinery Christian Church in Goodyear, Arizona.

WHAT IS SOUL CARE? The model we follow at Covenant Connections for Pastors is typically 4-3-2-1: four leaders (and one experienced facilitator), meeting over three years, twice a year in retreat, and once a month by Zoom or phone calls. This model allows honest, transparent, and even vulnerable sharing as relationships deepen through the consistent devotion of a disciplined community. The group is not out to “fix others” or even to hold others accountable; rather, the commitment to “be close” establishes an atmosphere where these things consistently occur.

By Alan Ahlgrim

WHEN/HOW DID YOU START IT? I began formalizing the soul care model a decade ago in concert with the psychologists at Blessing Ranch Ministries. WHAT WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS SOUL CARE MODEL? Every leader is either coming out of a season of special challenge, in the middle of a season of special challenge, or heading into a season of special challenge! In a post-Christian culture, with people facing complexities and moral ambiguities never seen in our lifetime, leadership is more challenging than ever. Soul care covenant groups ensure Christian leaders aren’t facing those challenges alone. IN GENERAL, WHO ARE IN THESE GROUPS? Most folks in the groups have been serving in the role of lead pastor; however, we have also launched one group for women, and more women’s groups will be launching soon.

A covenant group is a relational agreement based upon trust. No leader will ever be stronger or more secure than with the small circle of other leaders who surround and support him. We were made for life-enriching relationships. Community is at the heart of true Christianity, and true community can’t be rushed, it only moves at the speed of trust.

We want them to gather for in-person retreats twice each year. Seeing each other face-to-face is one of the keys to deepening relationships. Being in the same room with each other allows for even greater opportunities to be open, vulnerable, and authentic.

Participants stay in their group for three years. Transformation is not an event; it’s a journey. It only happens on purpose, over time, and in community. Soul work is both slow work and shared work. No one can speed their way into a soul-satisfying relationship with God, nor can anyone speed their way into a soul-enriching relationship with others. Soul care covenant groups are designed to provide a safe and confidential setting for leaders to candidly process the hard hits and the heart hits that inevitably come their way. A covenant group is a healthy community in which each member seeks something for the others; group members are committed to helping one another serve well and finish well. Sadly, spiritual leaders usually talk about community the most but typically experience it the least. Anglican theologian W.H. Vanstone once observed that the church is like a swimming pool in which all the noise comes from the shallow end. But most of the wisdom is found in the deep end, among those who have taken the time and cultivated the habits and disciplines to learn to swim in deeper waters. If we are to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, then we need the kind of sustained learning that leads us into the deep end of the pool.

HOW MANY GROUPS DO YOU NOW HAVE? At least 15 covenant groups have completed the cycle with at least 18 more now “in motion” for a total of 33 groups. Over 100 leaders are being saturated in the “soul strength” model. WHERE DO YOU ENVISION THESE GROUPS BEING IN THREE TO FIVE YEARS? Since groups are now multiplying rapidly as more are saturated in the language and concept of the soul strength concept, we see potential for doubling the number of groups every three years through a growing number of healthy facilitators.

WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING AND PRAYING FOR? We are now launching a soul care coaching opportunity for those seeking to move to the next level. We define “next level” as both deeper and beyond, with a customized approach for every individual.  Alan Ahlgrim is author of Soul Strength: Rhythms for Thriving. He served as the founding pastor of Rocky Mountain Christian Church for 29 years and now serves as chief soul care officer of Covenant Connections for Pastors.

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WHAT’S YOUR VISION, PURPOSE, AND GOALS FOR THESE GROUPS?

WHAT IS YOUR PHILOSOPHY FOR SOUL CARE GROUPS?

INVESTING IN YOUR LEADER’S MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH By Tim Harlow

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THE FIRST SIGN I was getting ready to go out and preach at our Saturday night service, and suddenly I wasn’t sure I could make my feet move me to the pulpit. It came out of nowhere. It was a good season, not a bad one. We had spent 14 years turning a church around and relocating it, and the church was finally fun and on mission. But my soul had run dry. As God would have it, the next week I was scheduled to go on a fun California whitewater adventure with a small group of ministry leaders and a counselor

It’s worth pointing out that I was not asked to write about a deep doctrinal issue, or leadership, or how to respond to a difficult social problem. No, I was asked to share about the benefits of therapy for Christian leaders. I own it. I needed therapy. I need therapy. I have had very few seasons of my life when I had my stuff together. In fact, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the occasional counseling help I’ve received, specifically from the good folks at Blessing Ranch Ministries. I’ll share a specific example from a time when I reached the point of burnout. (I had heard about this sort of experience, but I was sure I wouldn’t experience it . . . until I did.)

The counselor was Dr. John Walker, founder of Blessing Ranch Ministries (https://blessingranch.org/). Since 1996, Blessing Ranch has been providing professional intensive counseling services to Christian leaders around the world with the mission to help them live well, lead well, and finish well. As I reflect on this, I see it was such an incredibly timed blessing. I shudder to think about what could have happened if God hadn’t been working “upstream” to prepare for me some disengaged time away with an experienced counselor. I learned my lesson, so when my wife and I decided that the once-a-week counseling for our marriage wasn’t enough, we signed up for five days at the Blessing Ranch with John. It was a game changer, and Denise and I will be celebrating 40 years about the time this article is published. It didn’t save our marriage—we were (and are) committed to each other and to God—but it certainly helped us in ways I don’t think we ever could have worked through in typical counseling.

COUNSELING IS MUCH CHEAPER THAN DIVORCE. IT’S A LOT CHEAPER THAN LOSING YOUR MINISTER AND STARTING OVER. AND IT’S CERTAINLY A LOT BETTER THAN WATCHING THEM GO DOWN IN FLAMES.

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Another time, we had some challenging ministry issues, and we went back to Blessing Ranch for a week. I also occasionally spent time at the Ranch with other pastors in mentoring situations. Denise and I even were proactive and prescheduled a week with John for soon after we dropped off our youngest daughter at college and we were left with an “empty nest.” Suffice it to say, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the time I’ve spent at Blessing Ranch. We joke about having a dedicated Harlow “wing” there. I am a big believer in regular counseling and coaching. I think most of us need therapy in some regard. To me, not using professional mental help is akin to not using professional physical help. We all need a doctor from time to time. Intensity is the difference in a setting like Blessing Ranch. I can best describe it this way: Many of us have a medical issue to which we keep applying a bandage, but we know that more will be needed someday. We get shots and try over-the-counter remedies, but we know that eventually, we will probably need surgery. For me, rotator cuff surgery wasn’t fun. But I finally reached the point where I couldn’t sleep because of my shoulder pain, so I did it. And now I’m glad I did. But I don’t want to leave the impression that an intensive counseling week is only for “surgical” procedures. The “empty nest” week we spent at Blessing Ranch was a lot of fun and super helpful. It spurred us to make some decisions that maximized the final chapter of our located ministry. Denise and I started in youth ministry 40 years ago. We quickly learned that gathering students once or twice a week was great, but if we could get them to camp, CIY, or on a mission trip, it would exponentially change their spiritual direction.

RETURN TRIPS

MAKE AN INVESTMENT My heart hurts for people who are lonely and anxious in our culture today, especially for those in ministry. The turnover rate is alarming. I know many are hanging on for dear life. If you are a church leader who is reading this, I encourage you to spend the money to help your staff stay healthy. It’s the best investment you can make. Patch up the roof another year; opt instead to help your ministry staff remain in the game! Counseling is much cheaper than divorce. It’s a lot cheaper than losing your minister and starting over. And it’s certainly a lot better than watching them go down in flames. The people in our church have no idea how much their investment in my mental and emotional health meant to our ministry. I’m grateful for that investment. This article isn’t intended as an endorsement of one place. There are many counselors and counseling centers available. But for us, it was essential to have people who understood ministry. As I retire from located ministry and move to other ministries, I’m thrilled to be getting the weight off my shoulders. It . . . was . . . heavy! I’m grateful to everyone who lifted my arms and kept the blessing coming when I couldn’t do it on my own. We need to work together to continue to make that happen for the next generation. 

At the end of October, Dr. Tim Harlow concluded a 33-year ministry as senior pastor with Parkview Christian Church, a multisite church in Greater Chicago. He is the author of Life on Mission: God’s People Finding God’s Heart for the World and What Made Jesus Mad: Rediscover the Blunt, Sarcastic, Passionate Savior of the Bible.

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It happened again. For the fourth time in a year, I received a call that another teenager in our area had committed suicide. This time a man in our church called to tell me a friend’s son, a popular high school athlete, had ended his life. The man was devastated—he had just seen the young man the week before. The man was angry, and he said we had to do something!

A CHURCH, A SCHOOL SYSTEM, A COMMUNITY, AND A PRODUCTION COMPANY JOINED FORCES TO EXPOSE THE LIES THAT LEAD TO TEEN SUICIDE.

My friend noted that in the old days, when kids were dying from driving intoxicated, the police and fire officials set up mock car wrecks that included actors playing devastated parents, to impress upon teenagers that drinking and driving wasn’t worth it. I listened and prayed with him, and we ended the call. Just months before, a popular principal of the largest school in our area had committed suicide. In another incident, our staff team was invited to help the teachers and student body of a different school process a suicide by another young person. The superintendent of that school district shared with us that our state has one of the highest death by suicide rates in the country. Around this time, a Netflix production called 13 Reasons Why only added to the problem. This fictional series showcased a teenage girl’s suicide and her stated reasons for taking her life. Teachers were alarmed by the popularity of the series. To get ahead of the situation, the teachers were looking to develop a program for their health classes designed to deal with teen mental health issues. In connection with all of this, our team had been thinking and praying for some time.

CONFRONTING THE LIES As I drove down the road after that phone call, I wondered what would cause people to end their lives. I thought of the lies our culture has been telling us for decades and the impact it has on people’s hearts. Those lies originate with the father of lies, who has murder as his goal (John 8:44).

to fight off the lies by myself, and because it wasn’t working, I tried to call someone else. My mom didn’t answer, the youth pastor wasn’t home, my friends weren’t either, which just told me I was right—I am a hassle.

All of these things caused me to think about my wife. Before I met Lori, she had attempted suicide at age 16. Earlier in our relationship she had told me about her own “personal lies.” I asked her to share what she had told me years before.

In a moment of pain and with a desire to escape the weight [of it], I took the pills. I woke up in a hospital bed not knowing how I got there, [but] it was with the frustration of believing I had failed at something else. It was only then that I started the process of discovering that the thoughts in my head were all lies. Now I think about the lies others believe, and I want to help them fight those lies. It terrifies me to think of all I would have missed had I succeeded in taking my life.

Looking back at that time in my life, I remember the lies being so much bigger than me. The lies had become my truth, which is what led me to attempt suicide. The lie that I was stupid and had no future because I struggled with a learning disability. The lie that I was not important and my life didn’t matter because my boyfriend broke up with me. The lie that relationships didn’t work anyway because my parents were talking about divorce. I remember feeling so hopeless and not wanting to take one more breath. I remember believing that everyone would be better off without me—then they could go on without having to deal with my problems. The voice in my head said, “You would be better off dead.” I remember trying

As I pondered what Lori had shared, I began thinking of all the suicide notes I have read, all the conversations I have had with people who attempted suicide, and all the lies they told me they had believed. It dawned on me we could make a list of the most prevalent lies in those suicide notes. What if we could list those lies and expose their falseness to young people? What if we interviewed those who were impacted by suicide and had them share the truth of how they really felt about their departed loved ones? What if we could dispel the lies and show the true aftereffects of suicide?

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RESPONDING TO THE PROBLEM

THE LORD PROVIDED

In that moment, I pictured the face of a friend in my men’s group. Caleb had produced movies in Hollywood (which was certainly unique for a person who lived in Idaho). Caleb had a production company and we had often talked about the possibility of partnering on a project. When I called and presented the idea to him, he immediately grew excited and said he absolutely would like to do it, and he would do it for cost.

I called Caleb at the production company and told him the good news. But then came an unforeseen problem. I had not asked him what his “cost” meant on a project such as this, but now I did. His answer—about $150,000— floored me. It was a bargain deal in Caleb’s world but a disappointing shock in mine. I, of course, thanked him, but I told him it was more than the church could afford. I told him I would pray about it and share the idea with some others, but unless something happened, we were at a dead end.

Next, I called the superintendent of the public school to see what she thought. I had my doubts she would, or even could, partner with a church on something like this. I hoped all the work our church had done with the school system had built a bridge for this particular partnership, but I wasn’t sure. Her response was amazing. She actually cried upon hearing the idea. She immediately promised to open up the school for the docuseries. She would allow us to interview the kids (with the parents’ permission, of course). She said the videos could be shown in health classes as part of their curriculum. I was absolutely blown away. I told the superintendent I understood the school had no money for this kind of project, but that our church would work with the production company to make it happen. She was ecstatic.

Later, in the middle of my regular workday, a Christian friend who had helped us years earlier on a special church project called me. He shared that he felt like he was supposed to call me that day. He asked if there was some special thing on my mind that he could help with financially. I was blown away. I shared what had happened earlier in the day. He said, “Well, that answers my question—I want to help you pull that off.” In less than a day, God had given us the idea, opened the door to a public school, and provided the production company and the money to do the project. We immediately began planning the project. We set the date for an all-school assembly with junior high and high school students. I told the students about Lori’s attempted suicide and the lies she had believed. I shared about how my life would have been different, and worse, had she succeeded. I then shared what we believed were the five biggest lies people believed that led to death by suicide.

We then told the kids that we would like to interview anyone who had attempted suicide, considered suicide, or been impacted by the death of someone in their life. We required the kids to get permission from their parents. We assumed that from among the 400 middle school children, we would get 20 or 30 interviews (especially because requiring permission slips meant kids would need to tell their parents they had considered suicide).

We discovered how social media was adversely affecting the mental health of kids. It resulted from too much screen time and a lack of relationships where kids can be truly honest. We discovered that ignoring the problem of mental health and suicide was not helping. The spiritual enemy was at work. Failing to discuss or address the problem was allowing thoughts of suicide to spread.

Staff at the school, our youth ministry team, and the production company were floored when 260 kids in that first school agreed to be interviewed. We anticipated that thoughts of suicide would be a major issue among young people, but it was even bigger than we expected. This was just the first of several schools in this school district we planned to meet with, and we were already overwhelmed. As we sifted through the potential interviewees deciding who to interview on camera, we began the process of filming. It was an emotionally exhausting process. I am not exaggerating when I say the production crew required a group counseling session every evening after filming. The stories were heartbreaking.

SCHOOLS, YOUTH GROUPS, AND PARENTS We decided our production required three tracks. The first needed to meet the requirements of the secular school system; it needed to expose the lies surrounding suicide without dealing with the spiritual influence of Satan and the Christian response. Another track would be for church youth groups; in this, we could really dive into how Satan works to create lies that end in death. The third track needed to increase awareness among parents about what was happening in the silence of their kids’ minds before it was too late. Several kids who had attempted suicide had gone to churches in our area. In most cases these kids had suffered in silence. No one knew the depth of their struggles—and when they were discovered and discussed, it often changed the outcomes.

It’s time for society to wake up and pay attention to the root problem of suicide. Most importantly, the family of God needs to respond. The devil is a liar, and our kids are being lied to. And unfortunately, many kids believe those lies. Parents and the church need to be proactive and realize we are called to raise children who can thrive in our war-torn world. We must remain alert and then respond to situations around us. We often are too distracted by unimportant things to pay attention to what matters. We can’t allow the lies to take root and become deadly. Our kids are irreplaceable. The three videos we created are now available at RightNow Media’s website. Parents, churches, and even public schools have been using the material to start conversations about the lies so often hidden in our minds. Kids are being taught how to deal with these thoughts and how to get help. Parents are learning what to look for and how to start conversations that can rescue these families before tragedy strikes. It was a massive undertaking to bring together the church, public school system, and mental health professionals in our area. The project revealed that a church can be a light in a community when we seek to use our resources to meet needs rather than to cast judgment. God has truly used this series, called Irreplaceable, to make a difference. I hope it helps your church and community, as well. 

Go to RightNow Media to access the Irreplaceable resources.https://app.rightnowmedia.org/en/content/ details/500042 Jim Putman serves as senior minister of Real Life Ministries in Idaho.

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BRINGING TRUTH TO LIGHT

AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE

BY CLAY TON HENTZEL

HOW A SERMON SERIES ON MENTAL HEALTH BROUGHT HEALING TO A CHURCH

During the pandemic, I regularly participated in Zoom calls with pastors from across the country. One of those calls was with The Solomon Foundation. Early in the pandemic, Doug Crozier, the CEO of TSF, put counselor Dr. Wes Beavis on retainer. Dr. Beavis briefly shared some mental health tips on each weekly call. He provided everyone with a little help and a little hope. A PERVASIVE PROBLEM During that time, I read reports of how mental health issues were on the rise among our nation’s pastors; at one point, I saw a statistic that 38 percent of pastors had seriously considered quitting the ministry over the preceding 12 months. But pastors weren’t the only people experiencing anxiety. In the summer of 2022, Ben Cachiaras, lead minister of Mountain Christian Church, Joppa, Maryland, wrote in Christian Standard: We have a problem. Emotional well-being is in serious decline. It’s a palpable crisis that was bad before the pandemic. The isolation, social upheaval, polarization, and massive changes with work, school, and life have exacerbated the crisis, creating an extended ambiguity and heightened stress that’s a perfect cocktail for burnout and emotional struggle. . . . No wonder the World Health Organization’s recent scientific brief states that the global prevalence of anxiety and depression has increased 25 percent since the pandemic’s arrival in early 2020.

Recent surveys reveal a radical downturn in attitudes and soaring levels of anxiety and worry on all fronts. Anxiety is now the No. 1 issue for women. And for men, it’s No. 2, behind alcohol and drugs. . . . Generation Z (those born 1999 to 2015) is the most stressedout generation ever. In recent years the share of high school students who say they experience “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness” rose from 26 percent to 44 percent—the highest level of sadness ever recorded, according to an April 2022 article at the Association for Psychological Science website (psychologicalscience.org). So, almost half our kids feel hopeless! And 50 percent of parents of teens report worsened or new mental health problems in their teens since the beginning of the pandemic; most times it’s depression and anxiety. Many children and young adults are fearful, sad, and struggling with life. As a result, suicide has become epidemic; it is now the second-leading cause of death for young people ages 10 to 24. Eventually, I felt compelled to speak to the church about this growing issue via a sermon series. I started planning, and I soon realized a comprehensive approach would require 12 weeks of sermons. I felt uneasy. It was a big commitment on very touchy subject matter. I did not have a sense of peace about it. In fact, I was extremely nervous. I found myself asking these questions: Would people leave the church? Would people feel our sermons didn’t suitably address the real issues? Could a preacher really provide hope and help in these areas?

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A perceived need among church leaders and church members led to a survey on mental health, which led to a dynamic and transformative sermon series.

EVERYONE NEEDED SOME DEGREE OF HELP AND HOPE.

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A CALL TO HONESTY Then I came across the song “Honest” by Kyndal Inskeep that was making its way through social media. The words broke my heart. She sang about telling people she was “whole” and “happy,” while really she was “healing” and “grieving.” She sang of “praying for someone to show me what love is.” And perhaps the best lyric: “I’ll give you roses just hoping you don’t see the weeds in my garden.” I began to wonder whether these were the words and thoughts of many people in our church. So, we did a survey. In our congregation, 6 percent of the respondents said they weren’t dealing with any issues. However, 82 percent of folks said they were dealing with anxiety and worry, 71 percent were dealing with burnout and stress, 48 percent were dealing with depression, 51 percent were dealing with self-esteem issues, 19 percent with trauma, and 9 percent with suicide. It was easy to conclude that 100 percent of our church knew or loved someone who was dealing with at least one of these issues. In short, everyone needed some degree of help and hope—and not just those dealing with these issues, but also those who cared deeply for those dealing with these issues.

How many of you reading this have weeds in your garden but keep giving roses to all of the people in your life who ask you, “How are you doing?” How many of you reading this are holding a handful of roses given to you by people you love and care for but who have no idea what is going on between your ears and in your heart. The good news is we know where to get the best help and the most hope. Jesus’ life, ministry, and teachings give us the tools to navigate mental health issues and to minister to those who struggle with them. Our ministry team spent four weeks introducing the series. We preached on how to think through the four buckets of mental health. We showed people that although they have mental health challenges, God knows every person, accepts them, and loves them. Then we spent a week on each of the main topics represented in the survey mentioned above. We concluded the series with Hope Weekend, where we gave God the “weeds” in our garden. I joined in this, of course. The freedom, grace, mercy, strength, and hope we have in Jesus is just what this world needs. Mental health issues are the next great mission field. In helping to address these needs, the church will help share the love of Jesus with many.

WEEDS IN YOUR GARDEN?

GIVING GOD THE

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ADDRESSING REAL NEEDS God used this sermon series in a profound way! Our church grew 10 percent the first weekend (a summer weekend, I might add). By the fifth week, we were up an additional 10 percent. We helped to meet a very real need. The response of our people is what most surprised me. Our people love and are thankful for our church, but this series seemed to unlock a different emotion: pride. Our people were proud of our church for stepping out to address a real kitchen-table issue that so many people discuss and deal with. Our church created a website to share this series with other pastors and churches. To date, many have used these tools to provide help and hope in their context, and those churches have experienced similar results. The website, www.weedsinmygarden.net, has sermon transcripts (that were reviewed and edited by mental health professionals), videos, testimonials, creative elements, and much more. We estimate that more than 50,000 people have gone through this series or a series inspired by this one. May God bless you on your journey to take help and hope to those who desperately need it. 

Clayton Hentzel serves as lead pastor of The Crossing, a multisite church located in three states across the Midwest.

How Should Christians View Gender Dysphoria?

By Rubel Shelly

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Stated in the most basic terms, sex is an objective category defined by empirically discernible and set-at-birth qualities, whereas gender is a subjective self-perception and option for the presentation of oneself to others. The former is biological, while the latter is psychological. The former states who a person is in terms of bodily taxonomy, and the latter offers what a person may feel about one’s placement in the world’s social structures. A biological male with a high-pitched voice, shorter-than-average height, and/or wearing a pink shirt is still male. A biological female whose voice has a lower pitch than most of her male peers, who is taller than the man she dates, and/or makes blue her signature color remains female. As evolutionary biologist Colin Wright wrote in the Wall Street Journal last April, there are two and only two possibilities for an organism’s sex. When biologists claim that sex is binary, we mean something straightforward: There are only two sexes. This is true throughout the plant and animal kingdoms. An organism’s sex is defined by the type of gamete (sperm or ova)

it has the function of producing. Males have the function of producing sperm, or small gametes; females, ova, or large ones. Because there is no third gamete type, there are only two sexes. Sex is binary. It is the so-called “soft sciences” of psychology, gender studies, and the like that are misusing data to press an agenda against the sex binary of male and female. Consistent with the postmodern mindset that allows people to “declare their personal truth,” practically every major university now grants the non-binary status as normative and allows students, faculty, and staff to self-identify the pronoun and gender by which to be addressed and allowed to function. Passing through the LAX airport not long ago, the waiting area for my flight was opposite a triad of restrooms— Men, Women, and All Genders. As of April 11, 2022, American citizens are allowed to select M, F, or X as their gender marker on their U.S. passport applications. Stated as a question for believers, it becomes the following: Should human physiology be chemically, surgically, and otherwise modified to match one’s psychological state—or the other way around?

Should human physiology be chemically, surgically, and otherwise modified to match one's psychological state-or the other way around?

While the biblical-theological placement of these issues is my primary concern, it is undeniable that the practical impact of what is taking place in the broader culture has implications for Christian children and their parents, educators, and therapists who prioritize their faith, and churches and Christian schools. Without any deference to distinctively Christian concerns, a piece titled “The Dangerous Denial of Sex,” written jointly by American and British biologists Colin Wright and Emma Hilton (and published in The Wall Street Journal in February 2020), points to jeopardies that will confront females in various environments which allow persons to self-select their gender identity. Women have fought hard for sexbased legal protections. Femaleonly spaces are necessary due to the pervasive threat of male violence and sexual assault. Separate sporting categories are also necessary to ensure that women and girls don’t have to face competitors who have acquired the irreversible performanceenhancing effects conferred by male puberty. The different reproductive roles of males and females require laws to safeguard women from discrimination in the workplace and elsewhere. The falsehood that sex is rooted in subjective identity instead of objective biology renders all these sex-based rights impossible to enforce. As to the harm that can be done to young people diagnosed with gender dysphoria, the same writers point out that “the large majority of gender-dysphoric youths eventually outgrow their feelings of dysphoria during puberty” and are better protected from— rather than subjected to—certain widely used protocols.

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“Affirmation” therapies, which insist a child’s cross-sex identity should never be questioned, and puberty-blocking drugs, advertised as a way for children to “buy time” to sort out their identities, may only solidify feelings of dysphoria, setting them on a pathway to more invasive medical interventions and permanent infertility. This pathologizing of sex-atypical behavior is extremely worrying and regressive. It is similar to gay “conversion” therapy, except that it’s now bodies instead of minds that are being converted to bring children into “proper” alignment with themselves. While one could wish that the overriding cultural concerns around this issue could focus on the scientific, philosophic, and theological issues highlighted here, it appears that the single concern most often highlighted has to do with athletic competition. Papers similar to a study published by The Center for Sports Law and Policy at Duke University have documented the competitive disadvantage of athletes born female against those born male. The paper—“Comparing Athletic Performances: The Best Elite Women to Boys and Men,” by Doriane Lambelet Coleman and Wickliffe Shreve—begins: “If you know sport, you know this beyond a reasonable doubt: there is an average 10-12% performance gap between elite males and elite females.” The same paper cites the fact that “in the single year 2017, Olympic, World, and U.S. Champion Tori Bowie’s 100 meters lifetime best of 10.78 was beaten 15,000 times by men and boys.” As to the explanation for such extremes, the authors write: “The differential isn’t the result of boys and men having a male identity, more resources, better training, or superior discipline. It’s because they have an adrogenized [testosterone-endowed, RS] body.”

Broader Cultural Questions

Gender roles have been fluid enough to undergo modification, while the fixed taxonomy of two and only two sexes has remained immutable.

While the modern term “gender” may be used to reflect the self-perception of a person of either sex toward comfort with gender expectations (as examples, macho behaviors for males or feminine social requirements for females) or acting against them (it has not been long ago that doctors were males and nurses females—with females denied admission to medical schools), gender variance does not redefine one’s sex. The relationship between sex and gender is therefore tangential at best, and one may legitimately question the “gender expectations” that a given society seeks to impose. For those who present their struggle against those expectations as a rejection of “antiquated notions of biological sex and my human rights,” there are surely cases in which the latter claim about human rights is correct and the former would be a category mistake. Does anyone still believe that only women should cook, change diapers, or weep over a tragedy? That only men can be company CEOs, presidents of universities, or vote? Gender options have shifted along a spectrum of opportunity and recognition of personal ability. There are still only two identifiable sexes—male and female—who either conform, challenge, or are indifferent to those changes. Gender roles have been fluid enough to undergo modification, while the fixed taxonomy of two and only two sexes has remained immutable. In the present climate of cultural disorientation over sexuality, parents will need to be

wary of guidance being offered them about replacing common sense with guidance from “experts.” The executive director of an organization whose stated purpose is to advocate for affirmative learning environments for LGBTQ+ youth told Time magazine, “When you take the job of education around complex issues out of the hands of experts and educators, you are leaving parents and caregivers and guardians to do jobs they aren’t qualified to do” (from “How to Talk to Your Kids About Gender,” June 5, 2023). It has to make all of us wonder how children ever survived with mere parents to nurture them. The Time article offers a single perspective and proceeds to train parents in the proper technique for supporting a non-binary view of human sexuality. While claiming to offer parents “clear, accurate information,” it gives garbled opinions that challenge the biblical view offered elsewhere. As an example of the “garbled” views in a newsmagazine many have trusted, the article acknowledges that most children “play” in a variety of gender roles—hair, dress, mannerisms, social functions—with no long-term significance. Yet it suggests books for parents, picture books for children, video series for both, and other educational resources that help parents teach their children that “gender norms are optional” and effectively coach their children into a gender-fluid mindset. Gender dysphoria is real. Most who experience it will work through its minor vestiges as they mature through life experience. For those whose situation is severe and in need of help, a spiritual guide or professional therapist will be helpful when assisting someone to align their subjective inner state with their biological status. 

Excerpted from Male and Female God Created Them: A Biblical Response to LGBTQ+ Claims, by Rubel Shelly; published by College Press. Rubel Shelly has spent his adult life in Christ-centered ministry through preaching, teaching at both graduate and undergraduate levels, and writing. His commitment is to a non-sectarian presentation of the gospel. He and his late wife, Myra, have three grown children, nine grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren.

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While we watch, agonize over certain aspects, and are forced to live within a culture that exhibits increasing bewilderment over the sex/gender topic, Christian teaching and vocabulary need to resist its conceptual confusion. Biblically and scientifically, humans exist as either male or female. To say that sex is binary is simply to say that there are two and only two options. In the relatively rare condition known as “intersex,” there is a genital ambiguity or genetic variance—but not a “third” sex. Whatever variation may occur in the 0.018 percent of the human population that is intersex raises legitimate questions of medical care and Christian compassion relative to their bodies. That variation does not invalidate or cast doubt on the unquestionable nature of the 99.982 percent whose binary status establishes the norm.

Rejecting Conceptual Confusion