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MEDICAL EXAMINER recipe feature PAGE 7

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HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS

AIKEN-AUGUSTA’S MOST SALUBRIOUS NEWSPAPER • FOUNDED IN 2006

APRIL 1, 2016

SPEC IAL

ha... ha...

A woman went into labor and began to pant and yell in pain.

“Wouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t” she said.

“Won’t! Hasn’t! Shouldn’t!”

Her husband called the doctor and reported the developments. The doctor could hear the woman in the background.

“Isn’t! Don’t!” she screamed.

The doctor said, “It’s just contractions.”

A golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says they do, and they are $1 each.

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands the guy a dime.

THE BEST MEDICINE Is it? Is laughter really the best medicine, or is the old saying just a nice thought without any science backing it up?

Type “Is laughter really the best medicine?” into your favorite search engine and you’ll be greeted with a diverse collection of articles from sources like WebMD, Huffington Post, Psychology Today, the BBC, Newsweek, National Geographic, Wikipedia, Mayo Clinic, Medical News Today and many others, all touting the proven health benefits of laughter. The list of positive side effects include cardiac benefits, improved circulation, better mental health, stress relief, improved immunity, pain relief, depression fighting, improved quality of life, and more.

With all humor has going for it, what follows qualifies as a prescription-level dosage. Take it in moderate doses.

A mother took her little boy to church. During services the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to him, “It’s not polite to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So from now on whenever you have to go, just tell me that you have to whisper.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, whisper in my ear.”

Moe: I decided to buy a golf cart.

Joe: Why? Moe: Because I certainly can’t drive a golf ball.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi. An elderly woman was knitting while driving, running red lights

ISSU E!

and blowing through stop signs.

A motorcycle cop, trying to get her attention, pulled up next to her and yelled “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Turtleneck!”

England may not have a blood bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The new 3-D Justin Bieber movie is amazing.

It’s like you can almost reach out and punch him.

How did the hot dog style his hair?

He put it in a bun.

Doctor, was my operation a success?

Sorry, I’m St. Peter.

A guy walks into a library and says “Yeah, I’ll have a BLT.” The librarian says “Sir, this is a library.”

The guy whispers, “Oh, sorry! I’ll have a BLT.” Two policemen report in to the station on their car radio.

“Sarge, we have a situation over here. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?”

“No, sir. The floor is still wet.”

A city dweller driving through the country noticed a farmer who Please see LAUGHTER page 2

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 1 was standing under an apple tree holding a pig in his arms.

The farmer had raised the pig up so it could grab an apple out of the tree, and when it finished with one apple, the farmer would hold the pig up wherever there was another one.

The city dweller had pulled over to watch this spectacle, and he finally got out of his car, approached the farmer and said, “I couldn’t help but notice you feeding your pig. Excuse me for saying so, but why don’t you set the pig on the ground, shake a limb, and let the pig eat the apples off the ground?

It would save a lot of time.”

The farmer stared at the city slicker for a moment, spit on a

stump, and said, “I reckon you might be right, but what’s time to a pig?”

Jake is sitting on the riverbank fishing when a frog climbs out of the water, hops up on his leg and says, “If you please, kind sir, I have been cursed by an evil witch. If you will give me a kiss, I will be instantly transformed into a beautiful princess and we can be married and live happily ever after.”

Jake thought it over for a minute, then replied, “No thanks. I would rather have a talking frog.”

At a bankers’ dinner the other evening, a banker read

a bad poem that he wrote and nothing was done about it.

But just let a poet write a bad check...

APRIL 1, 2016

They aren’t the best donuts, but...

You can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but the average politician is content with a sizable majority.

What do Kermit the Frog and Atilla the Hun have in common?

The same middle name.

Do you know what lawyers call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Moe: You know that famous photographer Ansel Adams?

Joe: Sure, what about him?

Moe: Do you know what they called his assistant?

Joe: No, what?

Moe: Ansel Larry Adams.

Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

A: Do you smell carrots???

How do you play bluegrass music for a year and end up with a million dollars?

Start the year with two million.

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Harry runs into his buddy Lou in a Manhattan restaurant and says, “Lou! Just the guy I want to see! I got a bargain for you you won’t believe! A circus went out of business, and I bought up all the stock! Lou, I can sell you a baby elephant for only eight hundred bucks!”

Lou says, “Are you crazy? I live in a two-room third-floor walkup! I’m gonna buy an elephant? Get out of town!”

Harry says, “But Lou, this is a pedigreed Indian elephant.

Very smart, very tame, very loyal. You’ll love him the minute you see him!” ”Harry,” Lou says, “listen to me: I live in a third-floor walkup! Two rooms, Harry. I don’t WANT an elephant!”

Harry thinks for a minute.

“You’re driving a hard bargain here, Lou, but I tell you what:

Eight hundred bucks for the elephant, and I’ll throw in a hippo for free.”

“Ok, now you’re talkin,’” says Lou. “Grandpa,” said the little boy, “can you make a noise like a frog?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” said Gramps. “Why would you want me to sound like a frog?”

“I heard Mom say as soon as you croak we can all go to Disney World.”

Moe: I used to live in Kansas.

Joe: That’s some flat country.

Moe: Oh, it’s flat all right.

Joe: How flat is it?

Moe: It’s so flat that when I was a boy, my dog ran away and it took eight days before he was out of sight.

They say that humans use only 10 ten percent of our brains. Just think how great the world would be if we used the other 80 percent.

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and garbage that needs to be taken out.

A leaf and a goth kid fall Please see LAUGHTER page 3

APRIL 1, 2016

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 2 from a tree. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the goth kid.

I love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.

You can actually tell the mood of a woman just by looking at her hands.

If she’s holding a gun, for example, that means she’s angry.

Driving down a country road, a guy ignores a big bright orange “Bridge Out Ahead” sign and continues on. A

The

Advice Doctor

minute later he is facing a road that is completely barricaded, so he turns around and heads back. That’s when he sees another sign on the back of the Bridge Out sign. It says: “It was, wasn’t it?”

©

I can’t understand odorless things. They make no scents.

There was a blonde who wasn’t affected by the high price of gasoline because she always put in just $10 worth.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Don’t read it!

(The following joke is bad on so many levels.)

I’ve developed a phobia of elevators, but I’m taking steps to avoid them.

Please see LAUGHTER page 4

+ Dear Advice Doctor, My mother’s health has reached the point where my siblings and I don’t feel comfortable with her living arrangement — living by herself more than an hour’s drive from the closest child. We can’t afford to put her in a nursing home, and none of us really has the time to be her caretaker. We all have full-time jobs. Do you have any suggestions?

— Want to Help Us? Dear Want to Help, I might be splitting hairs, but I think you are all approaching this from exactly the opposite of where you should be.

You refer to being a “caretaker.” Don’t you think it would be better to be a caregiver? Your mother probably sacrificed two decades of her life to the individual care of each of you and your siblings. And now you want to take care away from her — and especially right now, in her hour of need? I am shocked.

If your question was whether you should be a caretaker or a caregiver — and rereading it again, I clearly see that was precisely your question — my vote would be caregiver. Definitely caregiver. + Do you have a question for The Advice Doctor about love, life, personal relationships, career, raising children, or any other important life topic?

Send it to News@AugustaRx.com. Replies will be provided only in Examiner issues.

Everything you need.

If you enjoy this paper, there’s always more good reading online.

WWW.AUGUSTARX.COM/NEWS AUGUSTA

One family of providers.

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MEDICAL EXAMINER

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AUGUSTA’S MOST SALUBRIOUS NEWSPAPER

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www.AugustaRx.com The Medical Examiner’s mission: to provide information on topics of health and wellness of interest to general readers, to offer information to assist readers in wisely choosing their healthcare providers, and to serve as a central source of news within every part of the Augusta medical community.

Submit editorial content to graphicadv@knology.net Direct editorial and advertising inquiries to: Daniel R. Pearson, Publisher & Editor E-mail: Dan@AugustaRx.com AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER P.O. Box 397, Augusta, GA 30903-0397

(706) 860-5455 www.AugustaRx.com • E-mail: graphicadv@knology.net Opinions expressed by the writers herein are their own and their respective institutions. Neither the Augusta Medical Examiner, Pearson Graphic 365 Inc., or its agents or employees take any responsibility for the accuracy of submitted information, which is presented for informational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnosis and treatment, consult your doctor.

The appearance of advertisements in this publication does not constitute an endorsement of the products or services advertised. © 2016 PEARSON GRAPHIC 365 INC.

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APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

OLD NEWS

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POINTS OF INTEREST TO FORMER KIDS

by Trisha Whisenhunt, Senior Citizens Council

BEWARE OF SERVICE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOME

I LAUGHTER… from page 3 I’ve developed a fear of speed bumps.

I’m slowly getting over it. The road to recovery is bumpy.

A man goes in for a job interview. The potential employer is quite impressed, but has one concern.

“You have a great resume and present yourself very professionally, but there is a five-year employment gap on your resume. What happened there?”

The man replied “Oh, that’s when I went to Yale.”

The employer is even more impressed. “That seals the deal.

You’re hired!”

The man is overjoyed and says, “Yay! I got a yob!”

Why did the Ottoman Empire collapse?

The invention of the recliner.

A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench.

The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.

The old man, watching this, says “You shouldn’t be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat.”

The little boy responded, “My grandfather lived to be 102 years old.”

The old man replied, “Did your grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?”

The little boy said, “No, but he minded his own damn business.”

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Two Christians are lost in an Arabian desert.

David and Michael were on vacation when they got lost and their car broke down.

With their food and water supplies almost gone and no reception anywhere, they were desperately looking for help. They started wondering

through the desert.

After a long time in the heat of the desert and almost dying from thirst, they finally see a mosque in the distance. They start discussing their strategy.

David was worried about how Christians might be treated so he said, “I’m going to pretend my name is Mohammed so they will give me food and water.”

“Not for me. I’m Michael, take it or leave it,” said Michael.

As they entered the city and proceeded to the mosque, Muslims rush to the aid of the weary travelers. David tells them he’s Mohammed, but Michael says he’s Michael.

The Muslims bring water and food to Michael first. As David was waiting for his turn, one of the Muslims about to leave turned toward him and said, “You know it’s Ramadan, right?”

Bill visited his doctor for help treating his erectile dysfunction.

“Your timing couldn’t be better,” said the doctor. “There is a brand new ED drug on the market. I’ll administer a shot that’s effective once a day for a full year. Then, any time you need help, just say ‘1-2-3’ and you’ll be ready to go. You’ll remain in that state until you say ‘1-2-3-4.’”

Bill was excited to try the new drug out that night. He got into bed, snuggled up next to his wife and said, “1-2-3.”

Immediately she turned to him and said, “What did you just say one two three for?”

Moe: What’s your problem?

Joe: I don’t get why people are allowed to say “Damn straight,” but I get in trouble when I say “Damn gays.”

Rabbi: “Hitler killed 6 million Jews and a penguin.”

Preacher: “What? A penguin?”

Rabbi: “See? Nobody cares about the Jews.”

Please see LAUGHTER page 6

had a conversation with a physician recently who relayed an incident which had happened to one of his patients. An elderly woman had occasion to have an installer come into her home and the man left with her wallet. Let this be a warning to be careful about whom we trust and more to the point, to watch who we allow inside our homes.

Our senior citizens are of the generation when a man’s word was his bond and a handshake was as binding as a written contract is today.

They trust people more than the rest of us because that is what they knew to be the truth of their time while growing up. Sorry to say, it is a thing of the past.

When we have a technician come into our home to connect cable TV, internet service or repair an appliance we don’t expect thievery to take place. We trust the company we are doing business with to have screened their employees and run a full background check.

Even with these safeguards

in place, a theft of opportunity can and often does take place.

There are many forms of identity fraud, and the media is filled with plenty of advice on how to avoid being taken advantage of and what to do if it happens in spite of our best efforts.

I can’t recall reading an article or watching a program on the etiquette of in-home repair and service people.

Common sense dictates putting up all belongings of value and not leaving out any confidential paperwork.

Even if it annoys the worker, don’t leave them alone in your home; stay with them

while they work. You don’t have to engage them in nonstop conversation, just be polite and vigilant.

It would be helpful if the general public had some idea of the procedures large corporations who employ an in-home repair and service workforce use to screen and train the people they hire. I have no knowledge of an 800 number or hotline whereby a customer can call and report a theft. I have never heard a claim of employing only bonded workers, as is the case with many smaller businesses. They all have customer service numbers and complaint lines, but it seems this particular issue should be handled separately and by people specifically trained to handle such an experience for their clientele.

I’m sure it occurs more often than we know.

As with most scams, the elderly are a frequent target.

They are often easy prey not only due to their trusting natures but they often decline to report theft because they feel embarrassed or that it may somehow have been their fault.

Even if cash is in sight, it’s no excuse for an installer to put it in their pocket. Everyone has the right to expect being safe in their own home. +

MYTH OF THE MONTH Big feet... big...?

Some things are not myths. And this is one of them.

Big feet? Big shoes.

It seems obvious, doesn’t it?

Of course, there are plenty of myths surrounding the correlation between this body part and that body part.

If you don’t believe me, just ask Donald Trump.

As was seen a few weeks ago during a Republican debate and widely reported in the news media, presidential campaigning reached yet another new low — they seem to happen almost daily — when Mr. Trump and Marco Rubio got into a debate over which one’s hands (and therefore genitals) was

bigger. Both assured astonished listeners that they were more than adequately equipped.

We apologize for intruding into the political arena with medical facts, but clinical studies have confirmed that there is no connections whatsoever between hand or foot size and the size of a man’s “package.”

You’ll have to choose your next president based on some other measurement. + — by F. E. Gilliard, MD, Family Medicine 4244 Washington Road, Evans, GA 30809 706-760-7607

APRIL 1, 2016

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AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

WHAT EVERYBODY OUGHT TO KNOW res? k good eno r skin can ugh cer? son.” o

ABOUT SERIOUSLY HUMOROUS OBSERVATIONS

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Politics If we got 10% of what was promised in these State of the Union, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.

— Will Rogers If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. — Jay Leno I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. — Charles de Gaulle If politicians were any more crooked, they would be cork screws.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

— Doug Larson (Charles Walker, Kaye Allen, Ed McIntyre, Linda Shranko...)

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

— Henry Cate, VII We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. — Nikita Khrushchev Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. — John Quinton When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to

believe it. — Clarence Darrow Why pay Ancestry.com to trace your family tree; go into politics and your opponents will do it for free: They can find a black sheep in a hollow log at midnight on a moonless night. — Bad Billy Laveau Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. — Oscar Ameringer A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. — Tex Guinan Stop telling lies about me and I will stop telling the truth about you. — Adlai Stevenson If the opposite of pro is con, what’s the opposite of progress?

Congress.

Presidential lies “I did not have sex with that woman.” — Bill Clinton “I am not a crook.”—Richard Nixon “You can keep your insurance. Period.” — Barack Obama “Your new insurance will have more coverage. Period.

— Barack Obama “Your new insurance will cost less. Period.” — Barack Obama “We will decrease cost while FREE T AKE-H OME C OPY!

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MEDICAL EXAMINER

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HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS • HEALTH • MEDICINE • WELLNESS

AIKEN-AUGUSTA’S MOST SALUBRIOUS NEWSPAPER • FOUNDED IN 2006

APRIL 1, 2016

This newspaper is delivered to more than

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t s e B giving coverage to 30 million more.” — Obamacare Bush increased the national debt from $5 trillion to $10 trillion. That is unpatriotic. In 4 years I will decrease it to $5 trillion. — Barack Obama (The debt is now $18 trillion) Obama did not always lie. He said: “The US is the greatest country in the world.

Help me change it.” (He has done that.)

I don’t write jokes. I just watch Capitol Hill & report the truth about how they spend our money.

Life in general One study showed that girls with big boobs got picked up quicker than flat busted girls.

Did we need to spend half a millions dollars to know that?

“Don’t date anyone with outstanding warrants or neck tattoos.” — Penny on Big Bang Theory “If she is a 5 and she won’t talk to you ... you must be a 3.”

— Bad Billy Laveau “You need to diet when you can take a shower and your feet come out dry. — Jackie Gleason • Remember to hold your wife’s hand in the mall. She’ll think it’s romantic. But actually is all about economics. If you turn her hand loose, she will start shopping.

• Warning: Wedding cakes are dangerous. Let a young girl have her own cake and she will

e n i c i d ME

gain 20 pounds and lose 50% of her sex drive.

The louder a speaker talks, the less he has to say.

Home is where, when you go there, they have to let you in.

When selecting a dog, a horse or a spouse, make sure they have good papers.

If you want to stay young: eat healthy; exercise regularly, and lie about your age.

Money ain’t everything, but everything else seems to be in second place. If you don’t believe that, ask your banker right after you missed a couple payments.

How do most men spend the second decade of their marriages? Thinning their hair and fattening their wife.

If you don’t think you are important, skip a few payments and see how many people call you.

AMERICANS ARE CRAZY We leave bank vaults wide open and chain pens to the counter We park in driveways and drive on parkways.

Social Security is running out of money? Why doesn’t welfare ever run out of money?

We use guns to guard presidents, governors, industrial plants, army bases, jewelry stores, and armored cars. How do we guard our school children? With a sign that says “Gun Free Zone.”

You are old: • If you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

• If you can remember when Moby Dick was a minnow.

• Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one; I haven’t got enough breath to do both!”

• You get compliments on your new alligator shoes ... and you’re barefoot.

• You go braless and it pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

• Your bra size has changed from 36 C to 42 long • You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

• When you come home late and your spouse asks, “Why did you come home?”

• “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

• If you have a bald head, it is because you grew too tall.

Confucius say: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who eat with only one chopstick be hungry and stupid.

Wife who keep husband in dog house too long soon find him in cat house.

Man who run in front of car get over-ran.

Man who run behind car get exhausted. + Bad Billy Laveau is a formerly-retired MD who wields a pointed sense of humor - and now, tongue depressors too. He speaks and entertains at events for audiences not subject to cardiac arrest secondary to aughter and glee. BadBilly@knology. net or 706-306-9397.

private practice doctor’s offices and to 14 area hospitals.

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We are Aiken-Augusta’s Most Salubrious Newspaper

Clinically proven. Doctor recommended.

THE MONEY DOCTOR COMING UP IN OUR NEXT ISSUE

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APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 4 A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.”

The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He walks up to the owner of the bakery and says, “If you will give me a pastry, I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner agrees and gives him a pastry. The Jew eats it and asks for another. The owner gives him another one.

The Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats it, too.

The owner is starting to wonder if he’s being scammed.

“So what’s the magic trick?” he finally asks.

The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to take it out, one to go get the wrong replacement, and another one to tell you it won’t be ready until next Tuesday.

Cigarettes are like hamsters: perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I didn’t think my golf joke was that good, but everyone kept assuring me it was subpar.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

A Baptist preacher and a priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they’d like to drink, the priest said he’d like a glass of wine.

The preacher asked for a soft drink, saying Christians should avoid alcohol.

The priest said, “Jesus drank wine.”

The Baptist said, “I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn’t.”

I told my eye doctor that he should buy a new eye chart because this one is getting all fuzzy.

Overheard at an AARP rally: Leader, with megaphone: “What do we want?”

Crowd, fists raised: “Better memory!”

Leader: “And when do we want it?”

Crowd: “Want what?”

Why did Johnny Appleseed cross the road?

To get to the other cider.

A car broke down on Indian land in New Mexico. The driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools and no cell service available,

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What word is always pronounced wrong?

Wrong.

Why did the moron stand in his own poo?

He was told to use his stool to reach the top shelf.

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MEDICAL EXAMINER recipe feature PAGE 7

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TAKE HOME THIS COP WITH Y YOU!

Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

That’s because I laced your martini with a measles vaccine. You’re autistic now. he sighed, leaned against his car and waited for a passerby.

Finally a truck came along, so he waved it down. Inside were three Native Americans. The driver asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Piston broke,” he replied.

“So are we. Get in.”

It got so cold in Minnesota one year that a nudist camp put out a sign reading, “We are open but we are clothed.”

The company had to cut back on its travel budget, so Bill and Bob, two of its traveling salesmen, had to share a motel room.

Bill said, “I snore so bad you probably won’t get much sleep.”

Bob kissed him on the cheek and said, “It’s all right, sweetheart.”

Bill sat in a chair in the corner and stayed awake all night.

A woman went to a lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she was unqualified. “Do you have any experience at all picking lemons?” he asked.

“Oh yes,” she said. “I’m on my fourth husband.”

God created Adam before he created Eve because he didn’t want somebody telling him how to create Adam.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he said. “Arthritis.”

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NOVEMBER 6, 2015

Part One of a series

MEDICIN

E • WEL

LNESS

16 for ’16

As the end of one year and the beginning of another approaches, it’s a Àtting time to consider ways to start the new year in a better state of mind and body. Each installment of this series, now through February, will offer simple ways to do just that by cutting bad things and adding good things.

COVER!

+ #1 DRIVE, BABY, DRIVE When you’re driving, do just that: drive. That might sound obvious, but it is far from the norm.

Look around at your fellow motorists as you travel city streets and interstate highways and you will be amazed by how many drivers are hurtling down the road while looking at a cell phone screen.

Once upon a time, drivers were taught to keep both hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 positions (comparing the steering wheel to a clock face), but for millions of distracted drivers it’s one hand for the phone, one for the steering wheel. According to a study by Carnegie Mellon University, driving while using a cell phone reduces the amount of brain activity directly associated with driving by 37 percent. Other studies have established that driving distracted is the equivalent of driving with a blood alcohol level of .08. That’s considered DUI in Georgia (although a fraction of that — .02 — is the limit for drivers under 21 years of age). Experts say there are three main types of distracted driving: Visual (taking your eyes off the road), Manual (taking your hands off the wheel), and Cognitive (taking your mind off driving). Texting while driving — illegal but still common — is especially dangerous because it

Please see 16 for ’16 page 13

T

he other day as I walked up to a doctor’s office, I saw two men having a conversation near the building’s front door; a woman with them stood nearby. As I walked past them toward the door, I noticed the woman had a strange look on her face. I wondered briefly if she was what we used to call retarded, or blind, or perhaps both: it’s hard to describe, but she was staring off into the distance in a way that seemed vacant and unseeing, yet also in mild distress. Just after I passed her, I heard the reason for the bizarre look on her face: she unleashed a mega-sneeze. When I glanced at her as I walked past moments before, she was in one of those pre-sneeze trances. Have you ever seen that?

Please see COVER! page 9

HIGHLIGHTS: Baby Barf 101 • Page 10 Bad Billy talks about having kids • Page 5

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WE HAVE SCRUBS FOR YOU AS WELL!

We have the scrubs everybody loves.

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AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING. Prefer paper? We’re all over town. If you prefer our digital version, we’re all over the world.

The Medical Examiner is always available on your favorite device at ISSUU.COM/MEDICALEXAMINER or at the Medical Examiner blog (www.AugustaRx.com/news) on issue dates. Click directly from any Examiner page directly to websites listed in ads and articles. You can easily view back issues, too. +

A piece of pork sees a therapist for his depression.

The therapist throws salt and sugar in his face, deprives him of water and hangs him from a rope in a smoky room.

The pork complains, “How is this supposed to treat my depression?”

The doc says, “You’re cured now.”

What’s the difference between a tavern and elephant flatulence?

One is a barroom and the other is a BAARROOOOOOM! Excuse me, sir. Do you sell rabbits here at your pet shop?

We sure do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit?

I don’t think my python really cares.

A totem pole walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “Hey, why the log face?”

Mr. Green was going to travel by air for the first time in his life, and he was more than a little nervous.

He boards the plane and the stewardess shows him to his First Class seat. A few minutes later a big Texan in a white suit sits down next to him, and they exchange pleasantries.

After the plane takes off and reaches its cruising altitude they serve the meal, and Mr. Green starts feeling queasy. He wonders if he should go to the bathroom, but he sees that the Texan is asleep and he can’t get past him. He’s feeling worse by the minute, so he reluctantly decides to wake up the Texan.

Just as he turns toward him, he loses his lunch all over the Texan’s white suit.

The Texan keeps sleeping, and Mr. Green wonders what to do about this turn of events.

A few minutes later when the Texan wakes up with Mr. Green’s lunch all over him, Mr. Green asks, “So, are you feeling better now?”

Which fruit conquered all?

Alexander the Grape.

What do you call a line of sheep?

A baa-baa queue.

Moe: Why is your nose right in the middle of your face?

Joe: Because it’s my scenter.

Please see LAUGHTER page 10

Read the Examiner — and lots more — online at AugustaRx.com/news

APRIL 1, 2016

7+

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

Southern Girls Eat Clean Lentil & Sweet Potato Salad

Security Federal Bank

This delicious salad was completely accidental.

Last week on my day off, I needed to prepare something for our lunch. I had some lentils in the pantry and I wanted to use them to make something. But what? Lentils are a great source of protein with 18 grams per cup of cooked lentils.

I had a couple of sweet potatoes on hand also. I love, love, love sweet potatoes and they are so nutritious and loaded with fiber.

I love salads so I thought, “What about a salad made from the lentils?” I thought the sweet potatoes would be really nice in the salad as well. In the past I have used left over roasted sweet potatoes in salads and they are amazing chilled and dressed with a nice vinaigrette.

I added a couple more ingredients that I thought would add flavor to the usually bland lentils. Red pepper, purple onion and basil.

Viola! The lentil and sweet potato salad was born.

This salad was perfect on a bed of arugula or baby spinach if you prefer. This salad was definitely a fabulous accident.

Give this recipe a try and enjoy a healthy and clean salad that will brighten up your lunch Lentil & Sweet Potato Salad hour. place them in the bowl with the Both lentils and sweet chopped potatoes both have many health • 1⁄4 cup plus 1 Tbsp. of organic lentils. Add the chopped basil and stir to mix with lentils, benefits. Here are a few: cold pressed extra virgin olive veggies and sweet potatoes.

• Both lentils and sweet oil 8. In a separate small bowl, potatoes are very high in fiber.

• 1⁄4 cup of balsamic vinegar whisk together 1⁄4 cup of olive • Lentils assist in heart health.

• 1 Tbsp. of local honey oil, balsamic vinegar, honey High levels of folate and • 1 Tsp. of Dijon mustard and Dijon mustard. magnesium protect the heart.

• Real Salt or sea salt and 9. Pour dressing over the • Sweet potatoes help decrease cracked black pepper to taste. vegetables and stir well to coat inflammation in the body. all ingredients.

Possibly helping those with Instructions: 10.

Add salt and pepper to taste. asthma and arthritis.

1. Cook lentils according to 11.

Serve immediately at room • Lentils are packed with package directions, drain, rinse temperature on top of a bed of protein, the third highest level and place into a medium size arugula or baby spinach. of protein than any other plant bowl and set aside.

12.

May chill slightly before food.

2. Heat 1 Tbsp. of olive oil in a + serving if desired.

• Lentils have B vitamins sauté pan over medium heat.

NMLS #456430 which are important for Add garlic and sweet potatoes.

Alisa Rhinehart is half of the blog nervous, digestive and immune Toss to coat with oil. southerngirlseatclean. system.

3. Add 1 Tbsp. of water to the com She is a working • Sweet potatoes are packed sauté pan and continue to wife and mother living with antioxidants. toss potatoes for another 1-3 in Evans, Georgia.

• The beta-carotene and minutes.

Visit her blog for vitamin C work together to rid 4. Add the red bell pepper and more recipes and body of cancer-friendly free onion to the sauté pan. Stir to information on clean eating. radicals. coat with other ingredients.

5. Reduce heat to low and Ingredients: lightly lay a piece of foil over • 2-3 cups of organic cooked the pan, allowing potatoes, lentils peppers and onion to steam • 2 medium organic sweet and cook. You may need to add potatoes, peeled and chopped another Tbsp. of water or two to pediatrics • women’s health • men’s health • pain management • veterinary medicine into 1-inch pieces avoid vegetables from sticking.

• 1 Tbsp. of garlic, crushed 6. Continue to cook, checking • 1-3 Tbsp. of water often and stirring until the • 1 medium organic red bell peppers and onion have pepper, chopped softened and the potatoes are • 1⁄2 of a large organic purple done but still firm. Remove onion, chopped from heat and allow to cool.

• 1 cup of fresh basil coarsely 7. Once veggies have cooled,

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OUR NEWSSTANDS Medical locations: • Children’s Hospital of Georgia, Harper Street, Main Lobby • Department of Veterans Affairs Medical Ctr, 15th St., Main Entrance • Dept. of Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Uptown Div., Wrightsboro Rd., main lobby • Doctors Hospital, 3651 Wheeler Rd, ER Lobby Entrance • Eisenhower Hospital, Main Lobby, Fort Gordon • George C. Wilson Drive (by medical center Waffle House and mail boxes) • Augusta U. Hospital, 1120 15th Street, South & West Entrances • Augusta U. Medical Office Building, Harper Street, Main Entrance • Augusta U. Medical Office Building, Harper Street, Parking Deck entrance • Augusta U. Hospital, Emergency Room, Harper Street, Main Entrance • Augusta U., Laney-Walker Boulevard transit stop, Augusta • Select Specialty Hospital, Walton Way, Main entrance lobby • Trinity Hospital, Wrightsboro Road, main lobby by elevators • Trinity Hospital Home Health, Daniel Village, main lobby • University Health Federal Credit Union/ University Hospital Human Resources, 1402 Walton Way, Main Lobby • University Hospital, 1350 Walton Way, Emergency Room lobby area • University Hospital, 1350 Walton Way, Outside Brown & Radiology/Day Surgery • University Hospital - Columbia County, 465 N. Belair Road, Main Lobby • University Hospital Prompt Care, 3121 Peach Orchard Road, Augusta

Around town: • Barney’s Pharmacy, 2604 Peach Orchard Rd. • Birth Control Source, 1944 Walton Way • GRU Summerville Student Bookstore • Blue Sky Kitchen, 990 Broad Street • Columbia County Library, main branch lobby, Ronald Reagan Drive, Evans • Enterprise Mill (North Tower), 1450 Greene Street, Augusta • Daniel Village Barber Shop, Wrightsboro Road at Ohio Ave. • Hartley’s Uniforms, 1010 Druid Park Ave, Augusta • International Uniforms, 1216 Broad Street, Augusta • Marshall Family Y, Belair Rd, Evans • Mellow Mushroom, 12th and Broad Streets, Augusta • Parks Pharmacy, Georgia Avenue, North Augusta • Southside Family Y, Tobacco Road, Augusta • Surrey Center, Surrey Center Pharmacy, Highland Avenue, Augusta • Top-Notch Car Wash, 512 N. Belair Road, Evans • Wild Wing Cafe, 3035 Washington Road, Augusta

Plus... 800+ doctors offices throughout the area for staff and waiting rooms, as well as many nurses stations and waiting rooms of area hospitals.

APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

Very little if anything about healthcare is inexpensive, and that includes medicine. Tiny pills can command large prices. Over-the-counter medications may be less expensive, but are they also less effective? Find the answers to lots of your drug store questions in this column written by Augusta pharmacists Chris and Lee Davidson exclusively for the Medical Examiner.

DO YOU STILL HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE? With the United States being a democratic nation, all citizens are guaranteed certain rights. When it comes to insurance coverage, your right is to be offered insurance. You are not guaranteed to have your choice of insurance. Many times there may be only one option. Your choice then becomes whether to take the insurance and pay the premiums or refuse the insurance and pay penalties to the government for not having insurance. Unfortunately, the penalty may be less than the premiums, which says a lot about the costs of healthcare in the US. This cost issue can be a factor whether you are dealing with employer plans or one of the many Obamacare plans that you can purchase through a government healthcare exchange.

The other option is to qualify for your state’s Medicaid plan, which involves extensive question and answer series to prove you qualify. No matter which option you use to cover you and your family, let’s look at the freedom of choice involved in your specific coverage.

Some think that the Medicaid option allows a patient to get whatever they need at any pharmacy they wish. This is far from the actual truth. The Medicaid program has a number of limitations in what is and is not covered, and some patients may be approved only for a single pharmacy if the state feels that the patient may be at risk of overusing certain medicines or is at an increased risk of drug to drug interactions. This patient can also be locked into a specific doctor to allow one doctor to know all of the medicines prescribed. Medicaid programs tend to have more restrictions than commercial plans no matter which way you run the evaluation.

When it comes to commercial plans, you are paying high premiums and expect to get good benefit for your money.

Commercial plans are usually better at approving generally noncovered medicines than Medicaid plans. The restrictions for these plans are greater in preferred pharmacy options. These options may include initially obtaining a drug at any local pharmacy, then requiring that a patient use a preferred mail order pharmacy or a more restricted list of pharmacies for maintenance fills. This

If you ever forget our name, just remember this handy abbreviation:

may mean that your pharmacy is not on the list to refill your prescription after the first one or two times a year, and they may not be able to enroll in the plan for you. You are left with options of paying cash for your medicines after paying your premiums or changing to another pharmacy. You may also be left with having to get your medicine by mail which means that your medicine will be shipped to you whether it’s freezing cold in the winter or over 100° in the summer. The other downside to mail order in addition to the temperature extremes drugs may be subjected is that the shipping manifest is proof of delivery, not the signature you provide at your neighborhood pharmacy.

This means that stolen shipments will only be replaced if the patient pays the copays again.

So what happened to your freedom of choice that is so prevalent in this country?

There are a couple of states that have outlawed mandatory mail order requirements.

If you feel that you are not being allowed the freedom of choice you deserve by your insurance company, it is your right to petition the state to follow suit. Each state has an insurance commissioner responsible for overseeing the insurance plans that operate within its borders. If you are told that you cannot use your personal pharmacy by your insurance company and you have no option of other coverages, contact your state’s insurance commissioner’s office, and complain to your insurance company too.

Needed changes will never happen until both the government and the insurance companies know that the people will not accept the status quo anymore. Insurance companies will only change when their only option is to change or lose more money than their current policies are saving them. Government agencies only change their policies when the majority of the public demands it.

Written for the Medical Examiner by Augusta pharmacists Chris and Lee Davidson Questions, comments and article suggestions can be sent by email to cjdlpdrph@bellsouth.net

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APRIL 1, 2016

9+

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

DON’T LICK THE BEATERS Useful food facts from dietetic interns with the Augusta Area Dietetic Internship Program

NUTRITION FOR A HEALTHY SMILE

by Michelle Ripley, Augusta University Dietetic Intern

Nutrition starts in the mouth. Our teeth, tongue and gums all play an essential role in how we eat and digest our food. Nutrition and our diet also plays a role in our oral health, such as by either preventing or leading to tooth decay and gum disease.

Tooth decay, or cavities, are caused when the bacteria that live in our mouth create plaque. Plaque then converts simple carbohydrates, such as sugars that are found in soft drinks, juice, dried fruit and milk into an acid that can then harm the enamel layer of our teeth. Plaque is that colorless film of bacteria that forms on teeth, and may feel “fuzzy” if teeth are not brushed. Plaque can also develop on the tooth roots under the gum and cause breakdown of the bone supporting the tooth.

Your food choices and eating patterns play an important role in preventing cavities and gum disease.

A diet to promote a healthy smile is very similar to a general healthful diet, which includes foods such as fruits and vegetables, whole grains, dairy, and protein, and also limits sugar containing foods and drinks, and “grazing” between meals.

We can help prevent tooth decay and keep teeth strong by eating nutritious foods.

Eating vegetables and fruits can help prevent tooth decay

by keeping the teeth clean.

The act of biting into an apple, for example, can help wash away the harmful acids that are created by bacteria or plaque. Not only do fruits and vegetables keep our teeth clean, but they contain helpful nutrients too. Fruits and vegetables can be a good source of contain vitamin C, which helps with wound healing and maintaining healthy gums. Vitamin A which helps build tooth enamel (the outside layer of the teeth), can also be found in fruits and vegetables.

Low fat or fat free dairy products may also play an important role in the health of your teeth. Low fat milk, yogurt, and cheese contain calcium and phosphorous, which help build strong bones and teeth. You don’t eat dairy? That’s okay too - other foods that contain calcium are almonds, leafy greens, and calcium-fortified tofu.

Phosphorus is also found in protein-rich foods, like fish,

tuna, poultry and eggs.

Some of our foods and eating habits may actually be harming your teeth. Empty calorie foods, such as soda, candy, and cookies not only contain little or no nutritional value, but they also contain a high amount of sugar.

Sugars can adhere or stick to the teeth, which feed the bacteria in your mouth. This releases acids and can lead to tooth decay or cavities. Some foods are very sticky, such as raisins or other dried fruit, and chewy candy like toffee or caramel. The food particles they leave behind that stick to our teeth, but they feed the plaque forming bacteria as well. Opt for fresh fruit when possible, but if you do eat dried fruit, brush your teeth after to help reduce the number of food particles left behind.

Sugar containing drinks, such as soda, sweet tea, and juice may be the worst offenders for tooth decay. They provide a continuous supply of sugar to your teeth, somewhat like a “sugar bath”. Fluorinated water is one of the best drinks for oral health; because fluoride helps protect and strengthen your tooth enamel.

A nutritious diet can not replace regular dentist visits and good oral hygiene, but certainly plays a role in our oral health. A diet for a healthy smile is similar to a healthy diet for general health. Vegetables should cover half your plate at meals.

One – three servings of fruits should be eaten daily.

Choosing whole grains, low fat dairy products, and eating lean protein can help keep your body and your mouth healthy. In addition, limiting snacking between meals and drinking fluorinated water or sugar-free beverages throughout the day can help fight cavities and keep your mouth healthy +

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APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 6 A man calls in sick for work.

He tells his boss he can’t come in because of an awful headache.

The boss says to him, “I can’t let you have today off. You need to come in. You know what I do when I have a headache?

I grab my wife, throw her on the bed and have sex with her, no questions asked. Do that, feel better, and get your butt in here.”

The employee calls back 30 minutes later and says, “You were right! I feel much better.

I’m on my way in now. And by the way, nice house!”

What plant is responsible for countless hospital deaths?

Poison I.V. A guy was admitted to the hospital with terrible stomach cramps. When they looked at the x-rays they discovered he had swallowed 6 plastic horses.

The doctor described his condition as stable.

A woman has a loose heel on her shoe, but she keeps procrastinating about getting it fixed until one day while running to catch a bus, the heel breaks off.

So she starts singing, “You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me, Loose Heel!”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Three guys walk into a bar: an alcoholic, a priest, and a child molester... and that’s just the first guy.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 7th grade.

Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she’s 18.

I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.

Two seconds later they’re sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder if they can still get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. “I don’t know,” he says.

“This is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits there waiting for days, and like many couples, they begin to get cold feet. “This is eternity. What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together

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forever?”

St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple, “You can get married in heaven.”

“Okay,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out?

Is divorce possible up here?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asks the startled couple.

“Come on!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me days to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

A man lay dying. Gathered at his bedside were his doctor, his wife, and his three grown sons.

To his firstborn son he said, “I leave you the 24 custom homes along the lakefront.”

To his second son he said, ”I leave you the 38 unique homes on the hillside with the great views.”

To his third son he said, “I leave you the three luxury apartment buildings along the river.”

At that, the man drew his final breath.

The doctor remarked to the wife, “How very generous of your husband, bequeathing his real estate empire to his sons.”

The wife replied, “Real estate empire? He was dividing up his paper route.”

“Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?” asked Jan. “Maybe he’s having

“What is that, Stonehenge?”

“No, it’s butter.”

“Really? I can’t believe it’s not butter.” an affair.”

“I know he’s fishing,” said Nan, “because he never comes back with any fish.”

My drugstore sells mango flavored Zoloft.

It’s to treat tropical depression.

I can’t even remember the last time I forgot something.

How many rednecks does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Four. One to stir the batter and three to peel the M&Ms. Why was the blonde fired from his job at the M&M factory?

He threw away all the Ws. I never clean my glasses. I like to be able to give other people dirty looks.

Did you hear about the man who spread peanut butter on the roadway?

He thought it would go well with the traffic jam.

What did the crematorium do when business was slow?

They held a fire sale.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What do you get when you breed a cow with a donkey?

Milk with a kick.

One day while a guy was out jogging he noticed a perfectly good tennis ball on the ground.

It looked brand new, so he picked it up and tucked it into his jogging shorts.

A short while later he met a young lady and stopped to talk.

Please see LAUGHTER page 11

These are not jokes Life is like a box of chocolates.

Well, not really.

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I like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free.

What did the Jew say to the Nazi?

They discussed the cruel and inhumane behavior during the war and how fortunate and grateful they were to have survived.

What do bears eat instead of hotdogs?

Salmon.

Q - What dog can jump higher than a building?

A - Any dog. Buildings can’t

jump.

What do you call a Mexican flying a 747?

The pilot.

How do you starve a white person?

The same way you starve a black person, you racist.

No, but really, how?

When they ask for food, tell them no, and prevent them from eating any.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Yo mama is so fat she should be concerned, because diabetes is a serious problem.

My wife’s zodiac sign was cancer and it’s really quite

ironic how she died.

She was attacked by a giant crab.

What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food.

Q - How do you make seven an even number?

A - Take the s out!

If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what’s four and five?

Nine.

What if rocks are actually soft, but tense up when we touch them?

A horse walks in to a bar.

Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger of the situation. +

APRIL 1, 2016

11 +

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 10 She kept nervously glancing at his shorts.

Finally, she pointed to his crotch and said, “What is that?”

“A tennis ball,” he replied.

“That must be so painful,” she said. “I had tennis elbow once.”

“In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?” the teacher asked a boy in her high school history class.

“Naked and screaming like the rest of us, I suppose,” he said.

Two ladies had a girl’s night out and they were walking home because they were too drunk to drive. As they passed a cemetery, one of them said, “I have to pee and this is the perfect place.”

Alas, there was no toilet paper, so she used her panties and threw them behind some bushes.

Her friend didn’t want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down by a grave that had a wreath with a large ribbon on it.

They finally got to their houses in the wee hours of the morning.

The next day one of the husbands called the other husband and said, “These girls’ nights have got to stop! My wife came home last night with no panties!”

“That’s nothing” said the other husband, “Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you.’”

Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the head of the Christian church. And Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

A guy came back to work from lunch 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been.

“Getting a haircut.”

“On company time?”

“It grew on company time.”

“Not all of it.”

“I didn’t get it all cut off.”

A 63-year-old guy goes to the doctor. He’s in great shape and proud of it.

The doctor says, “You’ve obviously got good genes. How old was your father when he died?”

The guy says, “Did I say my father had died?”

The doctor says, “You mean your father is still alive? How old is he?”

“He’s 88.”

The doctor says, “That’s great!

How old was your grandfather when he died?”

The guy says, “Did I say my grandfather died?”

Doctor says, “You mean your grandfather is still living?

How old is he and how is his health?”

The guy says, “My grandfather is 112 years old and he is in great shape. In fact, he just got married last month.”

The doc says, “Why in the world would a 112-year-old want to get married?”

The guy says, “Did I say my grandfather wanted to get married?”

What is the most popular perfume in Alabama?

DEET What do you call a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

Mormon Nailer.

A couple from up north traveling through Georgia was about to turn in to a fast-food restaurant when they saw a sign that said “Entering Taliaferro County.”

After they placed their order they asked the server, “Would you pronounce the name of this place slowly so we can know how to say it?”

The server said, “Sure, no problem. It’s Burr...gerr...King.”

How many rural Mississippians does it take to eat a ‘possum?

Two. You’ve got to have one to watch for traffic.

Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Did you hear about the hippy the lifeguard couldn’t save?

He was too far-out.

Mr. Lopez, a fluent Spanish speaker, moved from Mexico to Georgia to take a job teaching math. Some of his students asked if he could teach them Spanish. Mr. Lopez asked the principal if it would be all right to teach Spanish after school.

“Son,” the principal asked him, “you ever read the Bible?”

“Sure,” said Mr. Lopez. “But what’s that got to do with it?”

“Well, if English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for us.”

ASK AN OB Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is plenty.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, before he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word “alimony” means something to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?

A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

A Volkswagen pulls up next to a Rolls Royce with Texas plates at a red light. The VW driver was in awe of the car, and wanted to know what accessories it offered. He rolled down his window and asked the Rolls driver if he had a fax machine.

The Texan said, “Yup. Built right into the glovebox.”

“This VW has one too, but do you have a coffeemaker?

“Sure do, son,” said the Rolls driver. “It slides out of the dash and makes 10 cups.”

The VW driver said, “Mine is only a two cupper. Do you have a bed?”

The Texan said, “No, of course not. Do you?”

“Sure!” said the VW driver, “it unfolds out of the back seat.”

The Texan could not stand to be outdone by a lowly Volkswagen, so he took off in search of a custom car shop to install a bed.

Three weeks later, after driving around town for two days, the Rolls driver found the same VW parked at a rest area on the highway. He went over to the VW and knocked on the window. Nothing. He went around and knocked on the other side. Again, nothing.

He went back to the driver’s side and knocked even harder.

Finally the window came open a little way, a small cloud of steam rolled out, and the VW driver said, “Oh, it’s you.”

“I got a gold bed in my Rolls,” bragged the Texan.

The VW driver looked at him in disgust and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

I was so bored one night I thought about running around the block naked like we used to do back in the 70s. My wife told me it was a bad idea and

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.

Editor’s note: This feature also appeared in our April 1, 2011 all-jokes issue. +

Please see LAUGHTER page 13

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I can’t go to bed at night without onion rings.

Is this a normal craving?

A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q: What is a chastity belt?

A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.

A: So what’s your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?

A: When it’s a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?

A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?

A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper promptly and regularly.

Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they?

A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy.

+ 12

APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

THE EXAMiNERS +

Are you feeling ok?

Just fine, you?

by Dan Pearson

Not at all. I feel dizzy and nauseous.

Right after I Uh oh. I bet it was a viral video. watched a video.

When did all this start?

The Mystery Word for this issue: SHLACIPY

© 2016 Daniel Pearson All rights reserved.

EXAMINER CROSSWORD

PUZZLE

ACROSS 1. Knight back-up?

4. Brown name 9. Augusta rarity 13. IV 15. Musical drama 16. Normal start, sometimes 17. Augusta painter Ed 18. Babies’ worst nightmare?

19. Storyteller 20. Athletic follower 22. Former auto brand 23. Ft. Gordon is one 24. Intestinal trouble, in short 26. Member of 2nd century Jewish sect 29. Region of northwest France (Adj.) 34. Book by a Wimpy Kid 35. Alchemist’s mercury 36. Med pic 37. TV award 38. ______ training 39. Fencing sword 40. Unruly crowd 41. Heath Ledger role 42. Pertaining to the ileum 43. Steroids 45. Augusta novelist Shivers 46. Mr. DiCaprio to friends 47. Optical device 48. Word before ants or base 51. Something required 56. Police patrol route 57. Midrange clubs 58. By mouth 60. Criticize severely 61. Join 62. Title 63. Church recess 64. Watery fruit 65. Prostate test abbreviation

BY

Simply unscramble the letters, then begin exploring our ads. When you find the correctly spelled word hidden in one of our ads — enter at AugustaRx.com All Mystery Word finders will be eligible to win by random drawing.

We’ll announce the winner in our next issue!

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Click on “READER CONTESTS”

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E H W A M E E F A R L S O T O D M N F K A E B N E H R I F N E L O E N N T

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QUOTATION PUZZLE 31

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W B I T M D C L O I N E E I W

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by Daniel R. Pearson © 2016 All rights reserved

DIRECTIONS: Recreate a timeless nugget of wisdom by using the letters in each vertical column to fill the boxes above them. Once any letter is used, cross it out in the lower half of the puzzle. Letters may be used only once.

Black squares indicate spaces between words, and words may extend onto a second line.

Solution on page 14.

65

by Daniel R. Pearson © 2016 All rights reserved. Built in part with software from www.crauswords.com

DOWN 1. MD reference book 2. The blue part of blue eyes 3. Hospital section for really sick kids (abbrev.)

4. Playful; humorous 5. Toward the left side of a ship 6. Dissolve in heat 7. Canal that opened in 1825 8. Vestry 9. Sales tax letters 10. Metal fastener 11. Toward the mouth (Med.) 12. Conflicts 14. Hot and spicy 21. Small horse 25. Exclamation of contempt 26. Swelling 27. Peter’s first name 28. Brazilian ballroom dance 29. Indian of Mexico 30. Ring letters?

31. Louvre pyramid architect 32. Regions

— Eleanor Bron

33. Nephew’s sister 35. Isao ______ of the PGA 38. KGB agent killer in London 39. Evasion 41. Average guy 42. Charged particles 44. City SW of Augusta 45. Reduce 47. Slow (in music) 48. Swedish pop group 49. Harvest 50. Church service 52. Sea eagle 53. Loop 54. Sand ______ 55. Edible roots 59. Meadow

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by Daniel R. Pearson © 2016 All rights reserved. Built with software from www.crauswords.com

U D O K U

DIRECTIONS: Every line, vertical and horizontal, and all nine 9-square boxes must each contain the numbers 1 though 9. Solution on page 14.

Solution p. 14

Use the letters provided at bottom to create words to solve the puzzle above. All the listed letters following #1 are the first letters of the various words; the letters following #2 are the second letters of each word, and so on. Try solving words with letter clues or numbers with minimal choices listed. A sample is shown. Solution on page 14.

W 1 2 3 4 D 1 2 3 4

1

1 2 3

1 2 3

1

1 2 3

Y 1 2 3 1 O 1 2 3 4

2

3 1 2 3 4

— George Burns

1.DWWWBOISTAS 2.EEHINOAHA 3.YSLAACSEE 4.KNDY

SAMPLE:

1. ILB 2. SLO 3. VI 4. NE 5. D =

L 1

O 2

V 3

E 4

I 1

S 2

B 1

L 2

I 3

N 4

D 5

by Daniel R. Pearson © 2016 All rights reserved

WORDS NUMBER

THE MYSTERY WORD

APRIL 1, 2016

13 +

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 11 handed me a bottle of Windex and said if I was so bored I should clean the windows. I was still tempted, but realized she was probably right, so I drank the Windex to stop me from streaking.

This German guy walks into a bar and orders a martini.

“Dry?” asks the bartender.

“No, just one for now,” says the guy.

A psychiatrist examined his patient and said, “Don’t worry, you’re not delusional. You just think you are.”

A woman arrives at her daughter’s house and finds her son-in-law angrily packing his suitcase.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” she asks.

“What happened!? I’ll tell you what happened! I texted my wife — your daughter — telling her I was coming home from my fishing trip today, a day early.

I get home and guess what I found? Her with a naked guy in our bed! This is the end of our marriage. I’m done. It’s over. I’m leaving” “Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. She would never do such a thing! There must be a

simple explanation. Let me go talk to her and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the motherin-law comes back from the bedroom with a big smile on her face. “I knew there had to be a simple explanation,” she says.

“She didn’t get your text.”

“Dad, I heard that in some countries the groom doesn’t know the bride until after the wedding.”

“That’s true in all countries, son.”

A country family was coming home from a revival where the boy had found Jesus and been baptized in the river that very day. His sister was crying in the back seat. The father finally noticed and said, “What’s wrong with you?”

She said, “The preacher said he wants us to be raised in a Christian home.”

“So?” “I wanna stay with you guys.”

What do you get when you cross GPS with PMS? A crazy woman who will find you.

Four clergymen went on a hunting trip together, and in the cabin that night sitting

around the fireplace they decide to confess their sins to one another.

“My sin is lust,” said the Catholic priest. “I have a drawer full of dirty magazines that I like to look at every now and then.”

The Episcopal priest said, “My sin is greed. I grab a wad of bills from the collection plate every Sunday when no one is looking.”

The Lutheran pastor said, “My sin is gluttony. I’m so ashamed that I’ll drive to some strange town where no one knows me and order a bucket of fried chicken, four big double cheeseburgers, a huge bag of fries and one of those huge drinks and I’ll eat it all and then feel just terrible about it — until the next time.”

The Baptist minister said, “My sin is gossip, and I cannot wait to get back home.”

St. Peter is greeting newcomers at the Pearly Gates one day when a large group of people from Detroit arrived.

Nobody from Detroit had ever been seen at the Pearly Gates before, so Peter had to go ask God what to do.

He said, “By all means, let them in!” So Peter went scurried off but came back just a few minutes later. “They’re

Why subscribe to the Medical Examiner?

gone!” he said to God. “The people from Detroit?”

“No,” said Peter. “The Pearly Gates!”

Bubba excitedly tells his friends all about his new Yeti.

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” he says.

“So whatcha got in there?” they want to know.

“Chili and iced tea,” he says.

How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

Two cowboys were riding through the Arizona Desert.

Slim says, “Look at that mesa!”

Dusty replies, “It’s a butte.”

Slim answers, “It shore is!”

A blond walked into a bar and ordered a 15. The bartender looked puzzled. “What kind of drink is that?”

“A 7&7, of course,” said the blonde.

A guy is sitting in a bar when a gorgeous lady walks in, trips, and her prosthetic eye pops out.

The guy catches it handily and presents it to her. She offers to buy him a drink and they hit it off. She even takes him to dinner. When they’re finishing dessert, the guy asks her, ”Is this how you treat every guy you meet?”

“Absolutely not,” she said.

“But you caught my eye.”

SUBSCRIBE TO THE MEDICAL EXAMINER

A guy walks into a bar and orders a double martini. He slams it down in one gulp and orders another one. He slams that one down too and orders a third. The bartender said, “Hey buddy, you’re going to kill yourself drinking like that.

What’s your problem?”

The guy said, “My wife and I had a big fight and she said she wouldn’t speak to me for 30 days.”

The bartender said, “Well, that might not be all that bad.

Try to think of it positively. A little peace and quiet isn’t going to hurt anything. Enjoy it.”

The guy said, “I have been.

But this is the last day!”

By popular demand we’re making at-cost subscriptions available for the convenience of our readers.

If you live beyond the Aiken-Augusta area or miss issues between doctor’s appointments — don’t you hate it when that happens? — we’ll command your mail carrier to bring every issue to your house!

How many beautiful blondes wearing bikinis does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as possible.

NAME ADDRESS CITY

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?

What’s it to ya?

Because no one should have to make a trip to the doctor or the hospital just to read Augusta’s Most Salubrious Newspaper.

+ +

STATE

ZIP

Choose ____ six months for $20; or ____ one year for $36. Mail this completed form with payment to Augusta Medical Examiner, PO Box 397, Augusta GA 30903-0397

A guy and his wife had been having a lot of arguments lately.

He would say she was rash and impetuous, and she would

accuse him of being clueless.

One morning they had another big fight, and that evening when he comes home from work she had left him a note on the refrigerator door that said, “Tom, this isn’t working.

I’ve gone to my mother’s.”

Tom opened the refrigerator door, the light came on, the beer was cold... “This thing is working fine!” he said.

A farmer had an accident and had to wear a wooden leg for 35 years. He always removed the leg when going to bed.

One night his house caught fire and he barely escaped on a pair of crutches. The wooden leg is lost in the fire.

His insurance company doesn’t want to replace the prosthetic leg. They claim it isn’t covered by his policy. The farmer disagrees.

“I have my policy right here,” he yells into his phone. “It says ‘any wooden structure with an overhead sprinkler system.’”

What did the cowboy do when he fell into a vat of glue?

He stuck to his guns.

A coworker of mine passes gas, a lot, but will never own up to it. We call him Volkswagen because he lies about his emissions.

Two men had adjoining seats on a flight out of Charlotte. One turned to the other and said “You went to the University of Georgia, didn’t you?”

The other one said, “I sure did. How did you know?”

“There’s just something about the bearing of UGA grads,” said the man. “It’s a great school.”

The second man says, “Thanks. And you were a Gamecock?”

The first man puffs up his chest a bit and says, “I’m proud to say yes. How did you know?”

“I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”

Billy Wayne comes running into the country store and hollers at his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just up an’ stole your pickup truck!”

Bubba replies, “Did ye’ see who it were?”

“I couldn’t rightly tell, but I got the license number.”

The only time you hear “Jesus Christ” in a Unitarian church is when somebody falls down the stairs.

I’m doing market research for a microscope manufacturer.

I run the focus group.

Please see LAUGHTER page 15

+ 14

APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

THE MYSTERY SOLVED The Mystery Word in our last issue was: OXYGEN

...very cleverly hidden (left of “Madness”) in the p. 9 ad for WILD WING CAFE Congratulations to CY LIN, who scores the current contents of the Medical Examiner goody bag. Sweet! Want to find your name here next issue? The new Mystery Word is on page 12.

Start looking!

The Celebrated MYSTERY WORD CONTEST ...wherein we hide (with fiendish cleverness) a simple word. All you have to do is unscramble the word (found on page 12), then find it concealed within one of our ads. Click in to the contest link at www.AugustaRx.com and enter. If we pick you in our random drawing of correct entries, you’ll score our goodie package!

SEVEN SIMPLE RULES: 1. Unscramble and find the designated word hidden within one of the ads in this issue. 2. Visit the Reader Contests page at www.AugustaRx.com. 3. Tell us what you found and where you found it. 4. If you’re right and you’re the one we pick at random, you win. (Winners within the past six months are ineligible.) 5. Prizes awarded to winners may vary from issue to issue. 6. A photo ID may be required to claim some prizes. 7. Other entrants may win a lesser prize at the sole discretion of the publisher.

The new scrambled Mystery Word is found on page 12

EXAMINER CLASSIFIEDS HOMES, APARTMENTS, ROOMMATES, LAND, ETC. WANTED Room / roommate on The Hill, downtown, Martinez, West Augusta, or North Augusta. I can pay $100 - 150 per week or $400 - 600 per month. I’m a clean, trustworthy, business oriented, 52 yr old, social drinking, single male. You can CALL me between 11:00 am - 11:00 pm @ (706) 251-5554 I will pay a $20 - 50 referral if you know of someone looking for a good roommate or already has a place and I move in. Thanks.

POND VIEW! Evans all-brick 2-story with solar panels. Avg. electric bill $170 in Northwood, 3,400 sqft. Call 1-800401-0257, ext. 0043 24/7 for price and details.

AUGUSTAGAHOMESEARCH.COM Foreclosures • MLS • Builders • Rentals (706) 564-5885 HOUSEBOAT FOR SALE Tradewinds Marina, 30 minutes from Augusta. Live at the lake - or have a second home there with NO grass to mow!

Recently upgraded. $65,000 Text me at (803) 640-9732 for pics

SERVICES HOUSE CLEANING Your house, apartment, rental move-outs. Thorough, dependable.

Weekly, or whatever schedule you prefer.

References. 706-267-9947 BIBLE BY PHONE - Free daily Bible readings; for Spiritual Encouragement and Growth. Call 706-855-WORD (9673)

WANT TO BE HEALTHY? (Energy, weight loss, mental clarity) Go to gethealthyat.le-vel.com See video and Facebook. Sign free as customer.

F. E. GILLIARD, MD FAMILY MEDICINE Acute & Chronic Illnesses Occupational Medicine PROMPT APPOINTMENTS 706-760-7607

BEING PAID WHAT YOU ARE WORTH? Then make more money! Watch movie all out interview: ExtraMoneyInterview.net

MISCELLANEOUS ELIPITICAL IN EXCELLENT CONDITION Asking $75.00. Please call 706-306-4666 SUNSET MEMORIAL GARDENS Opening and closing at Sunset Mem. Gardens in Graniteville. Sale: $760 (Value: $1520+) Call 706-736-0596 KING-SIZED bed frame with rails, dark wood, some surface scratches but overall very good condition. $90 Call 706-3730193

CEMETERY SPACES (2) Sunset Memorial Gardens, Graniteville SC adjacent to lighted military flagstaff, includes granite bench with urn space, installation and inscription.

All $4700 ($8600 value). Spaces only: $2700. Call (803) 295-3033 FISHING CLUB wants more grey-haired members. Meet 2nd Thurs of month at Harbor Inn Restaurant, 12 noon.

“Adventure Before Dementia” Info: (706) 736-8753 or (706) 829-1729 PET CARE in Martinez-Evans area. Dogs to 40 lbs, $9.00. Cats (1-3), $9.00 For interview/information, phone 706-829-1729

TELL A FRIEND ABOUT THE MEDICAL EXAMINER!

SENDING US A CLASSIFIED? WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE? USE THE FORM BELOW AND MAIL IT IN, OR GO TO WWW.AUGUSTARX.COM AND PLACE & PAY CONVENIENTLY AND SAFELY ONLINE. THANKS!

(OURS IS COFFEE)

Augusta Medical Examiner Classifieds

ANTIQUE maple dinette set with buffet corner cabinet table with pull-out leaves.

Four chairs with two captain’s chairs. Excellent condition. $300. Double bed early 1930s with mattress spring coverlet shams $150. Call (706) 860-2170

THE PUZZLE SOLVED P

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CLASSIFIED ADVERTISING FORM Name Address Work number (if applicable) ( ) Home phone ( ) Category of ad (leave blank if unsure):

I

O W

SEE PAGE 12

QUOTATION

In case we need to contact you. These numbers will not appear in the ad.

QUOTATION PUZZLE SOLUTION: “Both men and women are fallible.

The difference is women know it.”

AD COPY (one word per line; phone numbers MUST include the area code):

— Eleanor Bron .25

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The Sudoku Solution

COFFEE IS GOOD MEDICINE

(Copy this form or continue on additional sheet if more space needed.)

Send this form with payment to:

AUGUSTA MEDICAL EXAMINER, PO BOX 397, AUGUSTA, GA 30903-0397 Total ad cost by number of words as shown above: $

VISIT DRUGOFCHOICECOFFEE.COM

Multiply by number of times ad to run: x

WORDS

BY NUMBER “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

— George Burns

Total submitted: $

The Augusta Medical Examiner publishes on the 1st and 3rd Friday of every month.

Your ad should reach us no later than 7 days prior to our publication date.

Thanks for reading!

www.AugustaRx.com

APRIL 1, 2016

15 +

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 13 Big Ben and catches his watch.

“That is amazing! How did you do that?” asks one of his friends.

“Easy. My watch is 30 minutes slow.”

I’ve been trying to become a vegetarian, but I’m not sure I can give up cold turkey.

ON THE ROAD TO BETTER HEALTH A PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE Editor’s note: Augusta writer Marcia Ribble wrote a long-time column in this paper entitled The Patient’s Perspective reincarnated in this new format. Feel free to contact her at marciaribble@hotmail.com

by Marcia Ribble Fell again. Lost my balance in the simple act of making my morning coffee. Bummer!

But within seconds my Mobile Health Alert was doing its job and the voice on the line was asking if I needed help. “Yes,” I replied.

“I’ve fallen and I’m on the kitchen floor.” I had landed first on my butt and then on my back, without causing any damage to anything but my pride. And even that wasn’t significant.

Fortunately I was dressed, so at least my pride wasn’t further afflicted with nakedness.

I had another blessing to consider. I had already gone to the bathroom, so I didn’t face the further indignity of wetting myself. I was clean, dressed, and dry, which is optimal when expecting company while lying on the floor.

Although it isn’t always the case, that company is usually male. And it was.

A few minutes later, an ambulance pulled into the driveway and two tall, strong men made their way into the house. I called to them that the door was already unlocked because I had unlocked it when I went out to collect my newspaper. They flipped me to sitting up and pulled me to standing up and there I was, good as new and upright and walking into the living room to give myself a nice rest in my favorite chair.

They asked me if I wanted my drink, but by then it was cold and also incomplete, since I hadn’t added the fixings yet. They checked me out

and my blood pressure, oxygenation levels and all that stuff were perfectly normal, so they had me sign their documents, and saying good-by, they left.

After sitting for a few minutes to get myself back to feeling mostly OK all over, I got up, grabbed my walker, and made my way back to the kitchen to reheat the coffee and dress it up with cream and sugar. Then I went back to my chair, drank my now hot coffee, and read my newspaper. I didn’t feel much like eating at that point, so I didn’t eat.

After a fall, I always experience a short period of uncertainty filled with apprehension that I might fall again. So I stayed in my chair for a few hours until I felt pretty hungry, and went to the kitchen to get the menu from my favorite Chinese take-out place, and called them and ordered enough food for several meals. One of the things I ordered was noodles, vegetables and chicken in a pad thai garlic sauce—mild. It was delicious! And I had garlic breath enough to scare away Count Dracula, had he been bold enough to want to pay me a visit.

After eating, I worked a couple of my puzzles, found a good movie on TV, and put my feet up. Then I did what every baby does when full and dry. I took a nap. +

105 This is how many back issues of the Medical Examiner are available at issuu.com/medicalexaminer

My neighbor is such a bad driver that the police department just issues him a season ticket.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room takes the husband aside and says, “I have to be honest: I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’‘ “Me neither, Doc,” says the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

What kind of school do you have to drop out of to graduate?

Parachuting school.

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch over the edge and takes only three steps before he hears his watch hit the sidewalk. The second guy throws his watch and takes just two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third guy tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, stops in a nearby cafe for a cup of tea, then walks back to

The teacher asked her class if anyone could spell Mississippi.

Little Johnny, wanting to appear knowledgeable, raised his hand and asked, “Do you mean the state or the river?”

Two cannibals walk into a cafe in Prague and ask for separate Czechs.

Do you know what gingerbread men have on their beds?

Cookie sheets. (See below) Please see LAUGHTER page 16

And the thought may very well be, “Seriously???” We’re looking for those things at the market or grocery store that make you think, “What is going on here?”

SERIOUSLY? +

Next time you see something on the grocery store shelf that’s a head-scratcher, whip out your phone, snap a picture and send it to: info@augustarx.com

THANKS IN ADVANCE! Happy shopping!

+ 16

APRIL 1, 2016

AUGUSTA MEDiCAL EXAMINER

LAUGHTER… from page 15 A Montana militia group just bought 5,000 septic tanks. Once they learn how to drive them, they’re going to invade Canada.

What does the world’s most handsome man have for breakfast?

Well, today I had a toasted bagel and coffee.

Two cannibals are eating lunch when one says to the other, “You know, I don’t like your brother-in-law.”

The other replies, “Well then, just eat the noodles.”

Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?

A: They don’t have to catch anything to be happy.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?

They’re making headlines.

“What does your Daddy do for a living?”

“He is a magician. In his act, he cuts people in two!”

“Oh my! Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister.”

Adam and Eve were naming

animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?”

“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros?” said Eve. “Why?” “Well, it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”

Anger management is all the rage these days.

Arbor Day falls on a Saturday or Sunday?

A Tree-Day weekend.

and saw a comforter that said it was “down alternative.”

Why don’t they just say “up?”

Why should the police always have an accountant question their suspects?

Because accountants know when things don’t add up.

I only tried the South Beach Diet once. I didn’t care for the sand.

What does a grammarian say to someone when comforting them?

“There, they’re, their.”

Why did the Pepsi executive get fired?

He tested positive for Coke.

Khakis are what you need to start your car in Boston.

What do you call it when

I was in the store yesterday

“Coffee, gentlemen?” asked the waitress.

“Sounds good,” said one.

“Me, too,” said another.

“Ditto for me,” said the third man. “And make sure the cup is clean.”

A moment later she was back. “Here we are, three coffees. Who had the clean cup?” +

+

PROFESSIONAL DIRECTORY DERMATOLOGY

ALLERGY

Tesneem K. Chaudhary, MD Allergy & Asthma Center 3685 Wheeler Road, Suite 101 Augusta 30909 706-868-8555

CHIROPRACTIC Evans Chiropractic Health Center Dr. William M. Rice 108 SRP Drive, Suite A 706-860-4001 www.evanschiro.net

COUNSELING

Georgia Dermatology & Skin Cancer Center 2283 Wrightsboro Rd. (at Johns Road) Augusta 30904 706-733-3373 www.GaDerm.com

DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICS Karen L. Carter, MD 1303 D’Antignac St, Suite 2100 Augusta 30901 706-396-0600 www.augustadevelopmentalspecialists.com

DIABETES WOUND CARE

Resolution Counseling Professionals 3633 Wheeler Rd, Suite 365 Augusta 30909 706-432-6866 www.visitrcp.com

DENTISTRY Dr. Judson S. Hickey Periodontist 2315-B Central Ave Augusta 30904 706-739-0071

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Aiyan Diabetes Center “A Comprehensive Diabetes Clinic” Dr. Janaki Nadarajah, DPM 706-868-0319 462 Furys Ferry Road

Floss ‘em or lose ‘em!

Jason H. Lee, DMD 116 Davis Road Augusta 30907 706-860-4048 Steven L. Wilson, DMD Family Dentistry 4059 Columbia Road Martinez 30907 706-863-9445

F. E. Gilliard MD, Family Medicine 4244 Washington Road Evans, GA 30809 706-760-7607 Industrial Medicine • Prompt appts.

Augusta Gardens Senior Living Community 3725 Wheeler Road Augusta 30909 SENIOR LIVING COMMUNITY 706-868-6500 www.augustagardenscommunity.com

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Cornerstone Compassion Center 420 Warren Road Augusta 30907 706-228-5359 or 706-394-6518 Assisted Living • Personal Care

OPHTHALMOLOGY Roger M. Smith, M.D. 820 St. Sebastian Way Suite 5-A Augusta 30901 706-724-3339

PHARMACY Medical Center West Pharmacy 465 North Belair Road Evans 30809 706-854-2424 www.medicalcenterwestpharmacy.com

DRUG REHAB Steppingstones to Recovery 2610 Commons Blvd.

Augusta 30909 706-733-1935

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