EVENTS

Say Whaaat?

Relationship Issue Parent’s Perception

Respect I’m interested in you. I want to be there for you. I’m concerned about you.

Expectations Entitlement

Assumptions Rights We’re a close family. It’s important that we spend time together.

You’re a part of this family, and you’re expected to be here for family events. I’ve dedicated myself to your happiness. I’ve sacrificed for you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Responsibility You’re hurting me. Can’t you see what this is doing to me? Adult Child’s Perception

You’re interfering and meddlesome. I have some requirements for continuing to have a relationship with you. Respect my privacy. Stop “stalking” me on social media.

You’re demanding and controlling. You’re entitled. Purpose/Objective of Estrangement

Estrangement is an act of empowerment. Estrangement is how I will set boundaries with you.

Cutting off contact with my parents is an act of strength and courage, a way to become an autonomous adult.

You’re trying to manipulate me with guilt. Stop using other family members to try to influence me. Estrangement is how I’ll become agentic and keep you from being controlling or manipulating me.

You’re a narcissist. It’s all about you and what you want. Stop being so needy. You’re pathetic. Estrangement liberates me from being responsible for your emotional needs.

2. The pain of estrangement is unavoidable. Suffering is optional.

There’s a saying that “it only takes one person to change a relationship.” There’s been a serious shift in the balance of power, but you may just be getting the memo. Here’s what it says: • Acknowledge that the thing you most want — to get past this awful thing that shouldn’t be happening, so things can get back to “normal” — is probably not going to happen, at least not in the way you envision it. • The “shift in power dynamics of your relationship” is a nice way of saying there’s a loss of status, power, and influence for you, the parent. It’s humbling, even humiliating, to be put in this position.

No one likes to feel vulnerable — it’s like not having any skin — but denying the reality of your vulnerability is dangerous.

Why? Because denial of reality will only make you more vulnerable. Here’s why dealing constructively with your very real vulnerability is safer, smarter, and saner: 1. You’re less likely to collapse into a lose/lose victim position. 2. You’re less likely to overreact and go on the attack. 3. You’re less likely to revert to passive/ aggressive, cold war tactics. • Don’t expect your adult child to want to participate in or help you through this process. They will tend to see it as burdensome or manipulative. Seek the help of a therapist experienced in estrangement and do your own work before prematurely pushing family therapy.

Finally, did I mention none of this is easy? Estrangement from an adult child is filled with giant chunks of grief that test the strength and sanity of any loving parent. Offer yourself the support and self-compassion necessary to get through it.

So you’re still standing when the chance to reconnect presents itself.

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