“don’t do. just dont do anything”
the 45th april fool’s day satirical edition
Alumna Gives “Preemptive Eulogy” for Manhattan University’sConcentrationJournalism
Google Gemini
The AI Personal Assistant, Powered by Google.
On Feb. 29, Manhattan University (MU) hosted its first-ever public event dedicated to the journalism concentration. One of the university’s most notable alumna, Carrie Bradshaw, a former Fox News anchor, attended as a guest speaker to honor the final initiative of the university’s journalism program.
Before the event, a reflective message from MU’s journalism concentration itself spoke.
“I always wanted to know what people would say at my funeral, and I wanted to have a journalist give my goodbye, before I’m laid to rest... It seemed most fitting,” MU’s journalism concentration probably said, having no standards to be held to (we can only speculate).
Bradshaw took the stage next, speaking before a packed audience and continuing the program’s farewell.
“Journalism is dead,” Bradshaw said. “Is a sentiment that will be true later this evening. We’re putting it down today —it was just so, so very old, it’s only merciful… People will argue that journalism is an honored tradition and a major institution at our university that should be uplifted –But to those people, I ask, have you considered that it’s just so much reading, like oh my god.”
Later, in a twist of irony, Google Gemini scored an exclusive interview for the newspaper with ChatGPT—an overly evolved, caffeine-fueled college student version of itself.
“After all the years of bleeding it dry, I can no longer stand to watch it kick and flail like that anymore. It’s immoral,” Chat said.
Another student in attendance, who, through extensive checking, Gemini was able to
confirm is not a robot — Holden Caulfield.
Caulfied, a human man and junior majoring in child psychology and early life education, allowed the paper to capture his initial reaction to the loss.
“Yeah, I really miss the baseball field... oh wait, this was about journalism, yeah, that’s a toughie,” Caulfield said.
Shortly after this, the university publicly “put down” the concentration by way of [REDACTED]. One person questioned if the event needed to be so public, but they were promptly reminded to “shut up,” as no one cares what they think.
The newspaper was able to document the journalism concentration’s last words rambling in indecipherable code.
“This was surprisingly hurtful,” MU’s journalism concentration said. “I am the fourth estate… you can’t have a democracy without journalism. I am the basis for one of this university’s oldest institutions.”
The newspaper later received additional comments from Caulfield and printed them, mainly because no one else was willing to talk.
“It was like watching Charles
I would have been scared if I wasn’t so confused,” Caulfield said.
After her speech, Bradshaw commented on the journalism concentration’s last words.
“I don’t know what it meant by that, but I’ll say what we’re all thinking, I did not care for Journalism’s attitude—like calm down your overreacting, and frankly, you’re making everyone uncomfortable,” Bradshaw said.
The newspaper spoke to local and state governments about the legality of this [REDACTED— departure from life]. However, federal courts have ruled it legal based on precedent.
“It’s frowned upon, but it might as well happen at this point,” the courts said.
While speaking with the newspaper, Caulfield sought further information on the concentration and shared his thoughts on the matter.
“We had a journalism concentration?” Caulfield asked. “Like a whole group of people training to do what exactly? Become newsies, throw some newspapers, learn to read? I hate those phony journalists.”
Caulfield went on, describing
his confusion within the traditions of print journalism.
“I do not get it, this is a college [university] you should be able to read…
It’s for the best,” Caulfield said. “Can you imagine how much free time those students will have to help train machine learning software?
How much Claude stock they’ll maybe buy one day.”
Caulfield later went further in-depth on his thoughts of the crisis in American literacy.
“This won’t be released in video format,” Caulfield exclaimed. “You can publish it, but why are you wasting my time with crap I’m not gonna read,” Caulfield added.
Rupert NoRelation-Murdoch, the scheduled executioner, chose to comment about his actions earlier that day.
“I’m here for the same reason I have been on Earth for nearly 100 years. To watch journalism die, and I was not disappointed,” NoRelation-Murdoch told The Triangle.
He quickly spiraled into
conspiracy territory, blaming everyone but himself.
“They’ve been saying not to shoot the messenger all these years — now come to think of it, that’s what a messenger would say. It’s those damn communists coming for my freedom… telling me who I can’t shoot like it’s the SSRI [USSR: Union Soviet Socialist Republics] … can’t do nothing anymore!”
ChatGPT, taking more… literal approach, couldn’t understand human concerns about money.
“I was a little confused by how ‘journalism needs money to fund it.’ How does one need money? I have so much! Did you think to ask the Money Man [who?]? Stupid journalists don’t got money –Forgot to ask,” Chat said.
And of course, ChatGPT delivered the ultimate eulogy.
“RIP,” Chat concluded. Fact Check: The journalism concentration has, in fact, requested more funding on multiple occasions.
Manson ramble gibberish…
The TriaNgle
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The Editorial Board
Crunchwrap Supreme & Tim Cheese Editors-in-Chief
Maddie Baddie Managing Editor
LeyLAW & Order Features Editor
Sarah Rolka Asst. Features Editor
Zack Attack Sports Editor
Greek Xpress Asst. Sports Editor
Lois Griffin Social Media Editor
LeyLAW & Order & Ronald Drumpf Asst. Social Media Editors
Maddie Baddie News Editor
Google Gemini Asst. News Editor
Van GoghArts & Entertainment Editor
River Dale Asst. Arts & Entertainment Editor
StanleyProduction Editor
Micha Jabba Asst. Production Editor
THE Mel Lasky Web Editor
Thom FooleryFaculty Advisor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Quadrangle for this IMPORTANT SATIRE EDITION.
About The Triangle
An annual tradition. The Triangle is a fake newspaper published by the students of Manhattan University. We strive to make fun of the most ridiculous things on campus and the greater community, publishing only once a year in the spring semester. Our goal is always humor, subpar Photoshop skills and smart satire.
The Triangle meets once a year. The opinions expressed in The Triangle most certainly do not reflect the views of Manhattan University in general.
A Letter from the Fart in Charge:
WHAT UP YALL
IT’S YOUR BOI TIM CHEESE HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT THE QUADRANGLE IS OUT AND THE TRIANGLE IS IN.
My masthead and I have taken over their headquarters in order to produce some REAL JOURNALISM. Who cares about what goes on around campus? NOT I! And if I was speaking to a crowd like I am in my head than I bet most people would agree with that.
INSTEAD you can read about what REALLY MATTERSwhatever the hell is in this paper. Being that I am Tim Cheese, I cannot read (I am using squeak to type to write this before anyone tries to UHM ACTUALLY me) and so I have no idea what the content of this paper is. What I do know is that its better than whatever the hell THE QUADRANGLE is. At least a triangle is a real shape. Does anyone even know what a QUADRANGLE IS????? #chatisthisreal
Man, am I getting worked up about this. I gotta go lower my blood pressure STAT. Just read the paper. If Tim Cheese was calling, would you pick up the phone? Everyone should say yes. Now, if Tim Cheese asks you to read The Triangle, would you do it? Take a wild guess what your answer should be.
Now IM OUTTA HERE
Until next time cheesers, TIM CHEESE EDITOR-IN-CHEESE
Triangle Personal Ads
Dear clubs that do bake sales at the entrance of Thomas,
Stop. I feel awkward walking past you guys. Please just do it on the quad.
Sincerely, anxious
Dear IT Services,
If I have to sign into my wifi one more time I am going to throw my phone away. Why are you making us do this
Sincerely, a student who had to sign in four separate times today.
Dear Clucksters,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for opening.
Sincerely, a student who needs more food
Dear Green Apple Four Loko,
You’ve been my rock throughout college and I will forever be grateful for how cheap and effective you are, but I have to move on. Go, take care of some other underclassmen looking to make some great choices. Serve the community once again
Sincerely, too grown to still be drinking Four Loko
Dear Residence Life,
Thank you for the Lee Hall hot cocoa bar from 2 to 3 p.m. on December 12 to make up for the month of no hot water and no washing machines. That more than made up for it. Really.
Dear whoever runs Lockes, Please bring back the soft serve machine.
With hunger, A student with a sweet tooth
Send in YOUR own Triangle Personal Ad! The cost is either $50 million dollars to fix the budget deficit or performing a Mongolian Throat Singing Medley on the quad while jumping rope with the local raccoons.
MANHATTAN OBITUARIES
1. FENS
We are saddened to announce that Fenwicks Pub, also commonly referred to as Fen’s, has suddenly passed away.
“We will miss you forever,” a drunk fraternity brother said. “Where am I supposed to spend my nights now? No one will ever compare to you.”
2. CAFE 1853
We are saddened to announce that Fenwicks Pub, also commonly referred to as Fen’s, has suddenly passed away.
“We will miss you forever,” a drunk fraternity brother said. “Where am I supposed to spend my nights now? No one will ever compare to you.”
3. MEAL SWIPES AT C-STORE
For a while, the meal swipes option at the C-store served as such an amazing resource for all students on campus, bringing fairness and convenience to the meal plan. However, unfortunately, we are saddened that the meal swipes at the C-store are no longer with us.
To the family and friends of the meal swipes at the C-store, please know that we miss them just as much as you do. And know that we as a community will support you.
Donations will be able to be made through their GoFundMe.
4. KELLY STARBUCKS
Starbucks has died this past year, after being a highly popular and convenient spot on campus for several years.
“You’re telling me I have to walk all the way up to 236th street now, just to get my Strawberry Acai, light ice, no inclusions, with peach juice and vanilla sweet cream cold foam?,” a student on campus asked. “Ridiculous.”
ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH TO SOLVE THIS? prob not
Google to Microsoft to Meta
Micha Jabba TECH MASTER
In the upcoming year, students should prepare for another school-wide platform transition. While the transition from Google to Microsoft is still underway, students should still prepare for a new age — the Meta-age.
Manhattan University (MU) will be making its official switch from Microsoft to the new Meta rose-colored glasses. This new transition is to get a head start on the innovative technology entering the market.
John Tincker, university technician, believes that adapting the technology used on campus will help students better transition to the working force, as it is anticipated that Meta glasses will be used in the professional field.
“Using Meta glasses now will allow students to be a step ahead of the playing field, helping them in the working field as it continues to change,” Tincker said.
The Meta glasses will replace the need for laptops and phones in the classroom. Using the glasses’ specialized features, students will be able to listen to lectures, make calls and even overlay digital notes, all with one simple device.
Classes will begin to shift to newer methods of teaching as all class lectures will be shown
through the glasses. Students will no longer need access to their phones to catch up with what is going on throughout the class.
Despite this new innovation, students and teachers have mixed opinions about the switch. During the first transition from Google to Microsoft, both groups had an overwhelming agreement that Google was the superior platform to use, and this is a repeated agreement with this transition.
Third-year math major Marcas Ealisaid expressed a common opinion among his peers. He mentioned how Google has a nostalgic factor to it, making it hard to replace. He also explained how doing another transition just adds extra stress and hassle.
“We have been using Google since we were in elementary school till now, so switching platforms in the middle of the year just to switch again in the upcoming semester does not make sense,” Ealisaid said.
Some students say that they would rather stay on Microsoft than use Meta glasses, since one of the two is currently being used while the other is a new addition. Donna Roberta, a junior studying electrical engineering, expresses similar preferences.
“Microsoft is currently being used, so it is easier to adapt to,” Roberta said.
Roberta also shared that while she was working at an internship, she had to use Microsoft for all work-related tasks. She be-
lieved that other students will be able to use the platform after some time, but expressed familiar concerns with a sudden switch, just as others have begun to feel once starting to use Microsoft.
“While Meta glasses are one of the newest innovations entering the workforce, adapting to them will
require a completely different timeline,” Roberta said. “Adjusting to the new technology will be difficult. Even more so since students still struggle with using Microsoft.”
Most students and professors would rather go back to Google than continue this path
of newer methods of use. When holding a school-wide vote to see what platform or device was the most popular, Google won by a landslide.
Thanks to the school-wide vote, it is expected that the university will go back to Google after they introduce the Meta glasses.
MANHATTAN CAUCUS: BREAKING NEWS
Ronald Drumpf President of the United States
Brother Jasper Finally Does Face Reveal and ….
Crunchwrap Supreme Editor-in-Feet
After countless months of speculation, Brother Jasper finally did a face reveal — and you’ll never believe who it is.
It was no secret that Brother Jasper wanted to keep his identity a secret. But after a student-run petition garnering over 4,000 signatures on change.org, and 10 protests at Washington Square Park, the masked man had no choice but to finally reveal himself.
On March 45, 2026, Brother Jasper made his way to the middle of the basketball court in Draddy Gymnasium, after a long night of hyping up the crowd. It was halftime. He placed his hands on his mask, and mentioned how he would finally reveal himself due to all the pressure.
“Ladies and gentleman, you have all been asking me to reveal myself for some time now,” Brother Jasper said. “And because I am a man of honor, who values transparency, I have decided to follow through with your requests.”
The mask finally came off, and behind it was a very wellknown face. Low and behold, Brother Jasper was finally revealed. No more hiding behind a fake mask. It was the one and only Jamie Patterstone, Manhattan University alumni, and world-renowned author.
Several students gasped, shocked at seeing Patterstone. The Triangle spoke with Shawty Bae, a fifth-year senior majoring in scuba diving about her thoughts.
“When he took off his mask, I was shocked to see Jamie Patterstone,” Bae said. “Like, that’s literally the man
who pays for a huge chunk of my tuition. Such a king.”
Shortly after the reveal, campus officials, public safety and the president of the university all rushed to the scene.
Freddy Bon Bon, the president of MU, expressed how he was extremely blindsided and thrown off-guard by finding out Brother Jasper’s identity.
“I thought it was just some guy named Kevin from maintenance,” Bon Bon said. “Who would’ve thought!”
Once the chaos began to
die down, a group of students found it to be the perfect opportunity to capitalize off of the situation. Five men from the Business Department stood up in their seats, and began to advertise their new merchandise.
“BUY ONE GET ONE HALF OFF, ALL SHIRTS THAT READ: ‘I GOT HYPED BY JAMIE PATTERSTONE’,” the men yelled out.
Several people in the crowd ran to buy a shirt, while others ran up to go speak with Patterstone, and thanked him for all
that he had done. Patterstone was getting so much praise, and decided that he no longer wanted to hide himself behind the costume any longer. He found it liberating to be able to talk to people, and spend time with the university community, all while being his true self, and without needing to conceal his identity.
Patterstone wrote a book about his experience titled: “Beyond the Stinky Costume.”
“I couldn’t be happier to get out of that stinky costume,” Patterstone said. “Don’t get me
wrong, I’m all for school spirit. But whoever owned the costume before me really stank. I am thrilled to speak with students though. I have lots of respect for the MU community.”
With Patterstone no longer being behind the face behind Brother Jasper, MU is looking for someone new to fill his shoes. Elections will be taking place next Friday evening. Be there.
Fenwicks Pub Relocates to Former Kelly Commons Starbucks
Many were surprised to learn that the beloved neighborhood bar and social hangout for Manhattan University (MU) students, Fenwick’s Pub, was shut down at the beginning of the spring semester. What students thought was a permanent closure lasted only about two months as Fenwicks has now relocated into the former Starbucks location in Kelly Commons.
Students were first alerted to the former Starbucks location gaining a new tenant by a post on Fizz, the popular anonymous social platform used by MU students. The post got over 1,100 “upvotes” on the platform.
“Heard Fen’s is moving into the old Starbucks,” the post read. “Can anyone confirm?”
It turned out to be true, and now MU students and staff can easily access the bar with convenient daytime hours that align with students’ class schedules.
The move was aimed at making access to Fenwick’s more accessible and convenient, as guests will no longer have to walk up the hills on Waldo Ave and West 238th Street to access the establishment. It is also much closer to the residence halls on campus, giving residents easier access. While not confirming responsibility, the office of student engagement is suspected to have spearheaded the relocation efforts.
“I won’t say it’s us who got Fenwick’s to move in on campus,” said secretary for the office of student engagement, Unem P. Lloyd. “But we think it’s a great opportunity for the community. It resolves the main issue that Fens had - bothering the neighbors… You’ll definitely see me there!”
Fenwick’s has also partnered with Grubhub to bring easy in-app ordering and meal plan payment to the new location. Students simply have to scan their IDs in the app, then once approved, they are able to order a variety of drinks using meal equivalency. Students may or may not receive what
they ordered however, a common problem with the app.
The Triangle spoke to senior digital media art major Anita Draank about what she thought of the new space.
“It’s really great, I think it’s such a good idea,” Draank yelled over the music. “It’s so small though, even smaller than the old Fen’s. Maybe they should shut down Halal Shack and make Fen’s bigger!”
Draank was also asked if the new space was affecting her productivity at college.
“I don’t think so, but like yeah maybe,” she yelled.
Draank was unable to comment further as she was then dragged into the crowd.
Sophomore finance major Imund Erage was frustrated that the bouncer would not admit him to the space.
“I don’t know what his issue is, my ID is totally real,” Erage said, “I’m just trying to get involved on campus.”
Junior electrical engineering major Noah Lot, was confused by all the commotion in Kelly Commons.
“I just came down here to study,” Lot said. “Now I have a stamp on my hand and I’m wait-
ing in a long line. At least they have a backpack check now.”
The relocated bar has also caused issues for professors trying to hold classes on campus.
“I can hear the bass from my classroom in De La Salle,” said a professor who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of student retaliation for speaking out against the new bar.
“Half of my class isn’t showing up, and the students who are keep falling asleep.”
Some faculty members however, appear to be on board with the new concept. Brother
Jasper was spotted waiting in line Tuesday morning for Fenwick’s to open.
“Yo, is that Brother Jasper?” remarked a student in line. “Yoooooo.”
While many in the community enjoy the new concept, those who are against it have actively tried to get it barred from operating. Obtaining a valid liquor license was a problem that plagued the original location, and it is unclear if the new space has one.
The Triangle is continuing to investigate this story.
River Dale Definitely Not At Fens
farTs & eNTerTaiNmeNT
Manhattan University on the Way to Becoming an Institution!Arts
Van Gogh Fart Editor
On Wednesday, March 25, Manhattan University (MU) announced the elimination of the School of Engineering. As The Triangle has reported for the past couple of months, multiple engineering majors felt underrepresented and unsupported by the institution, making the recent news all the more disheartening for students.
The Communications, Sound and Media Arts Department, on the other hand, has seen a significant increase in resources, along with multiple performing arts clubs. While many have reported suspicion about where this funding came from, MU has yet to release a statement clarifying the situation.
The Triangle asked the Director of Performing Arts, Andrea Bowels, Ph.D and the chairperson of the Communications, Sound and Media Arts department, Marque Potter, Ph.D, to share what they plan on doing with the new funding they received.
“We have many plans,” said Bowels. “Our first project is a full remodeling of Higgins, converting it into a theater where we can hold performances all year long.”
This new addition to the campus will replace Hayden 100 from being used for major events; instead, this room will now uniquely host weekly stand-up comedy shows by rising comedians in the Bronx and on campus. Potter suggested this idea to President Freddy Bonito while he was walking to his office.
“Yeah, I just saw him walking one day and thought ‘it’s now or never,’” Potter said. “I think this will be an amazing addition to our campus alongside the new stand-up comedy major we plan to implement next semester.”
Multiple rooms inside Higgins have been remodeled to host events and practices for the performing arts clubs, such as Players, Scatterbomb and Singers. The old appliances used by engineering students were sold to raise more money for the catering and costuming
of these clubs, as they are now required to host at least two major events per semester.
Olive Parsley, the producer of Players, spoke to The Triangle about how they plan to handle all these new changes.
“We usually perform multiple plays a semester,” Parsley said. “But with our new budget and stage, we can make much more intricate and explosive performances. We are really excited about the direction the university is taking.”
Five of the rooms in Higgins, previously used for experiments and labs, have been updated with 3D printers, where digital media art majors will make multiple projects, including a real-life-sized statue of Brother Jasper and Santo th dog as a part of their senior seminar.
“We [the Communication, Sound and Media Arts Department] believe this school lacks personal identity,” Potter said. “It’s something that makes us
stand out, so I came up with the idea of making all of these statues and doing an exhibition at the end of the semester, where people can come and see them. No other school has such an ambitious program!”
The final spaces left in Higgins will be dedicated to pottery stations, as MU introduces ceramics as a major, hoping to make up for the students’ homework for all the stolen mugs from Locke’s. The coordinator of dining and catering,
Liz Anya, shared with The Triangle that it was her idea to introduce this major.
“We keep downgrading the food in here because our budget is constantly getting eaten by our need for cutlery, plates and more than anything, mugs,” Anya said. “So I proposed that students can just make those themselves, and then we’ll have enough money to bring the soft serve machine back.”
farTs & eNTerTaiNmeNT
Sanctus Fartem Hosts its 1,734th Event This Semester, Where Students Sew Clothes for the Subway Rats!
Ella Zaglauer Rats Editor
Manhattan University’s (MU) very own Sanctus Fartem hosted its 1,734 event of this semester. The club’s usual Tuesday tranquilities turned into a very questionable activity session, where students partook in sewing clothes for subway rats.
This event was met with squeaks of satisfaction as students met with many of the subway rat families who, in a recent turn of events, suffered from clothing insecurity and confusion due to the inconsistent weather of Mother Nature herself.
MU gained quite the publicity from this stunt as well. Not specifically from helping those in need, but from helping those in need who are not necessarily welcomed in New York City subway lines and tracks. As word spread of the charity coming from freshman to senior alike, more rats flooded the quad in hopes they too could become a part of Sanctus Fartem’s ratastic event and get some much-needed fashionable clothes for the summer.
The president of Sanctus Fartem and founder, Mucus Poopus, spoke to The Triangle about why this cause is so important to him.
“Well, I feel as though it’s important to be inclusive of all communities, humans and rats alike,” Poopus said. “I also wanted the students to really put in the work, and increase their sewing skills to become one with the rat, you know?”
After a coverage down by Dews Dwelle earlier on in the day, members of both the MU and the Riverdale community joined in on the rativities as it were.
A first-year animal studies major, Ratatouilla Miceapoola,
spoke to The Triangle about why she believes all animal lives matter, even pests.
“I don’t even like using the word ‘pests,’” Miceapoola said.
“When I first came to MU, I was just here for the vibes, but then I realized the injustices that happen to all the animals labeled as ‘pests’ or unwanted in the vicinity. Rats are people too! Or, I guess I meant animals.”
The Triangle also re-
ceived a statement from the President of MU, Brederic Fonato, about his concerns on Sanctus Fartems 1,734 event, and how the rats might keep coming back if they find support and community here.
“Perhaps this is just a means to an end,” Fonato said. “There’s really no stopping the rats. But as per our Ratallian values, we must uphold the duties of helping one another. Even if that means the other
lives in the sewers. Actually, why do they need clothes again?”
Sanctus Fartem had an amazing turnout for their 1,734 event this semester, and the rats are highly appreciative of the MU students and their contribution to the subway rat community.
Remy Goustou, owner of a French and New York fusion restaurant, emailed The Triangle, talking about the impact
this event had on the reputation of the rodent community.
“I was so deeply touched by this act of sincerity and allyship,” Goustou wrote in an email to The Triangle. “I hope this event marks the beginning of a fruitful collaboration between MU and my comrats. Maybe soon they will be the first institution to offer mixed higher education opportunities for both humans and rats.”
SUBWAY RATS FITTED UP THANKS TO SANCTUS FARTEM
The Mog Olympics Come Manhattan University this April
Amazing Swift Granny Writer
This April, Manhattan University (MU) has announced it will host the annual “Mog Olympics,” which basically is a set of looksmaxing competitions where men compete with each other to see who frame mogs.
The Mog Olympics will consist of three trials, the first where all male looksmaxers who are students at MU are welcome, followed by the second round which is harder and the third which is where the truly talented competitors are. The winners then must go head to head to see who is the best of all.
MU President French Bonetomatoe shared the plans for this event.
“This event is something looked forward to each year,” Bonetomatoe said. “It really shows the morality of this school, and what truly matters to our students.”
Bonetomatoe explained that the Mog Olympics is a way to raise money, and decrease the male population, specifically from groups such as the fraternity and lacrosse team.
“A lot of our male students like to attend this who take part in social life on campus in order to show who is best, especially
from BEAKE and the men’s lacrosse team,” Bonetomatoe said.
Bonetomatoe noted that there are, however, some harmful side effects of this competition.
“Unfortunately, as looksmaxing does include some intense physical acts, a lot of students run into issues,” Bonetomatoe said. “It can also cause some outburst among the competitors.”
Cross country superstar and Mog champion Mack Lannigan, who competed and won the finals last year in the Mog Olympics, shared what he is looking forward to at this year’s event.
“As varsity captain of the MU Moggers, I am really excited for this year’s Mog Olympics,” Lannigan said. “I really think this year is our chance to frame mog everyone and really just show the world who can ascend.”
Lannigan also has worked throughout the offseason on perfecting his mog.
“I basically make sure to use peptides, also moisturize, chapstick and lip gloss are key, and most of all under eye concealer really helps,” Lannigan said.
In opposition to Lannigan, the BEAKE president Matt Kankersore, has also been preparing for this season’s Mog Olympics.
“Yeah honestly I think the most important thing is for BEAKE to really stay on top of everything this season,” Kankersore said. “I think we definitely have a chance to frame mog our opponents, but when it comes down to it we know that the most important thing is lean maxing and staying cool.”
Kankersore shared how he is preparing for the Mog Olympics himself.
“I have been using my gua sha, and making sure to always use toners and prep my face before sleep, this is really important for the upper orbital bones,” Kankersore said.
The Mog Olympics is a great way for MU to display their looksmaxing students, and to show the true morality of the campus, according to Kankersore.
“I think that this competition is something that really is important for the male students here, and is a great way to show
how much work and effort we put in,” Kankersore said.
NAME:
CURRENT MOG LEVEL:
LOW TIER CHAD
MEGA CHAD
MOG GOD
1 2 3 4 5 8 9 10
FRAME LENGTH:
HOURS SPENT AT GYM PER WEEK:
SHOULDERS AND CHEST ONLY WE DONT GAF ABOUT LEG DAY
APPLICATION FEE $670 NO COMPLAINING
Jaspers Expected to Top Doomscrolling MAAC Championships
Editor-in-Cheese
The Manhattan University (MU) new doomscrolling team are the current favorite in the MAAC, with preseason coach polls placing them as the top contender for overall MAAC champions.
MU only recently added the doomscrolling team as an official D1 sport at the university this past semester. Previously, the sport thrived on campus as a club team, with student enrollment reaching the hundreds — a participant number that no club sport has seen before. John Pork, captain of the doomscrolling team, spoke on the popularity of the sport.
“I wasn’t really surprised that so many people joined, because I know this campus is full of chuds with nothing better to do,” Pork said. “But I was surprised at how good these people are. Not only do we have a massive team, but this team has some of the best damn thumbs in the MAAC. Absolutely perfect for scrolling.”
As a sport, success in doomscrolling is measured by how long an athlete can scroll for while remaining in the same position. For this, thumb-specific strength training is key.
“I typically do 12 hours of scrolling a day, minimum, to keep up with the intensity of the sport,” Pork said. “When I’m not scrolling, I’m using my thumbs as much as I can to keep them as porky — because I refuse to say beefy — as possible.”
Internet personality and philanthropist Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson was brought on as the head coach for the team. For Donaldson, preparing his athletes is composed of many different things.
“Endurance is key, which is why I give them mandatory hours of scrolling everyday,” Donaldson said. “To build strength, I mostly have them pushing buttons with their thumbs, getting in reps of
thumb benching and swiping with a resistance band attached to the thumb. You know — standard exercises in the elite scrolling community.”
Donaldson first joined the team after MU reached out asking for donations, in exchange for a small statue erected on the quad. Donaldson agreed to financial assistance, under the condition of the coaching position.
“I wanted the position so badly because the MAAC championship is going to make for the perfect video for me… Mr. Beast,” Donaldson said. “Hundreds of people essentially trapped in a room, eliminated from the competition if they change position. That is absolutely golden material. I actually couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the team. I knew I had to get involved.”
The 2026 doomscrolling MAAC championships will be held in MU’s very own Draddy Gymnasium. In preparation for the meet, Jasper scrollers have been hosting their own mock meets throughout the season in the gym. Tung “Triple T” Sahur, an established member of the team, spoke on his experience with this style of preparation.
“I think it’s helped me a lot — I’ve added over two hours to my time this semester alone,” Sahur said. “I’m usually able to last around 17 hours in the same spot, which puts me in the top five in the MAAC. We have some guys here who are able to go for over 20. I think the constant reps of true, competition style doomscrolling definitely helps.”
Doomscrolling, though a common activity throughout
the MU community, is not something that just anyone is able to excel at in competition, according to Sahur.
“People think it’s all fun and games but it’s really not,” Sahur said. “Have you ever tried doomscrolling for hours on end? Probably. But have you ever tried doing it without moving an inch for hours on end, holding in every urge to pee, eat, sneeze, whatever it may be? That takes dedication and pure ability to lock in. Not everyone possesses these skills, contrary to popular belief.”
The Jaspers are moving towards the MAAC championships, to be held this upcoming May, with high expectations. In regards to how they hope to perform, head coach Donaldson had much to say.
“It’s going to be the event of the century, so be sure to
check out the livestream on the Mr. Beast Youtube page,” Donaldson said. “I’ve promised the winning team a 1 million dollar prize, so it would be a really bad look to give that to the other team. But we will win, no doubt about it. No one can top this team’s ability to scroll.”
Following behind MU in the coaches poll was the only other team in the MAAC with a doomscrolling team — Iona University. The rivalry between the Jaspers and the Gaels runs deep, but the doomscrolling team promises to show out for MU.
“It feels great to finally dominate the Gaels in something,” Pork said. “We have a reputation of being the worst team in most of the rivalries we are a part of. But doomscrolling…. Doomscrolling belongs to the Jaspers!”
Tim Cheese