The Quadrangle Triangle 2024

the 43rd april fool’s day satirical edition “don’t

Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Grief

In a shocking turn of events, Manhattan College announced this past week that it is set to relocate to the borough that provided its namesake. This change comes after a petition, signed by both students and alumni, was sent to the Office of the President.

“I’m just sick and tired of having to explain to people that my college is actually in the Bronx, not Manhattan,” current student L. Eden Protest said. “Every single time, without fail, I get asked ‘well why is it called Manhattan College then?’ like I’m the one who made the stupid decision in the early 1900s.”

The college will now be centered under the Washington Square Arch, one of the few places the college could find that had affordable rent.

“Due to budget cuts, our entire campus will now exist under the Arch,” president of the college Myles Streams said in an email sent to students.

“We think this will be a really great opportunity for students to be immersed in NYC culture as they sit in class every day. What’s a better way to enjoy the city than to take classes in the center of the action?”

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Manhattan College Relocates to Manhattan, Boasting New City Experience

This move provoked new concerns for students, regarding their three basic needs: what housing, food, and athletics facilities will be provided.

“You know, it’s not even sleeping on top of the arch or eating pizza from a nearby trash that bothers me,” Triple D-1 athlete Jock Strap said. “Where am I going to play ball? Ball is life. Without ball, I don’t know what I’m even doing here.”

The college says that it plans on hosting its sporting events in Central Park, between the hours of 2-5 am, when there will be limited passersby. For teams like swimming and rowing that require the use of water, the Hudson River is the current plan of action.

“Not only will Central Park actually be a bigger venue than we use right now, it also provides the added bonus of teach-

ing our athletes how to be quick on their feet to avoid things like skunks, rogue children, and pigeons,” Streams said. “For our more fish-friendly athletes, we plan to have them practice in a full hazmat suit. As always, our number one priority is athlete safety.”

Streams says that the move will help the college’s budget crises, saving money in areas like food service, housing costs, and facility upkeep.

“With all of our facilities located in, on, under, and on top of the Arch, we’re saving millions that would have otherwise been spent fixing our old campus,” Streams wrote.

In his email, Streams addressed that the petition actually came at a good time, as buildings on campus have shifted off of their foundations to a near 90-degree angle, which led to accessibility complaints from students, professors, and parents alike.

“We were filing complaints daily,” Fish Mcdish, professor of blobfish studies, said. “We hold our class in the basement of Hayden Hall, and while my students were quite literally on the edge of their seats when listening to me, it was becoming a distraction.”

“I broke my tailbone, three toes, and two ribs, just going to class last week,” Strap said through his broken front teeth. “It’s okay though, because I can still be on my grind playing ball from this wheelchair, which is all that really matters.”

Protest said that the petition garnered 15 million signatures and was mentioned in the President of the United States’ State of the Union address before Streams addressed it publicly.

“You know, it really didn’t take that much,” Protest said when asked how much effort she put into garnering signatures. “It only took, like, 50 hours a week, 45.3 million emails, and 12,515 phone calls to get it done and get Streams to make the change. If we could do it, anyone can.”

The relocation will take effect on October 14 of this year, during midterm exam week.

“What’s better for the brain than some stagnant city air and a freshly swept place to sleep?” the president concluded.

Yall rockin wiTh The Triangle

The Triangle ������

The Editorial Board

Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Chief

AP News Managing Editor

Broke Del Taco News Editor

Malibu Barbie Features Editor

Angelina Ballerina Arts & Entertainment Editor

DeeDee Davis Sports Editor

Poison Ivy Maizy Mouse Production Editors

Mr. Mosbey Social Media Editor

Queen Elizabeth Web Editor

Ampitheatre 4 Pres Engagment Editor

Oompa Loompa Asst. News Editor

Mother Mary Asst. Features Editor

Milly Rock

Jelly Bean Asst. Arts & Entertainment Editors

Thing 1 Thing 2 Asst. Sports Editor

Barb City Asst. Production Editor

Santa Clause Faculty Advisor

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Quadrangle for this IMPORTANT SATIRE EDITION.

About The Triangle

An annual tradition. The Triangle is a fake newspaper published by the students of Manhattan College. We strive to make fun of the most ridiculous things on campus and the greater community, publishing only once a year in the spring semester. Our goal is always humor, subpar Photoshop skills and smart satire.

The Triangle meets once a year. The opinions expressed in The Triangle most certainly do not reflect the views of Manhattan College in general.

⁉

A Letter from the Fart in Charge:

You’re all just mad you’re not as cool as us here at The Triangle. Our underground team arises from deep within the trenches once a year and takes over The Quadrangle office from those losers who use it every Tuesday. And we don’t even get a thank you for giving you a break from those idiots. Jeez.

I’m not going to beg you to read our articles because honestly that’s lame and desperate and not like me. Read them if you want, don’t read them if you want, it’s not like it affects our budget. HA! Like we have one of those. I’m hilarious.

Basically, we’re funnier than all of our readers combined and if you really want to know the absolute truth and nothing but the truth so help you god about what’s going on around campus, open me up and you’ll see just what’s actually been going on behind the scenes as you were being brainwashed by those lack of critical thinking losers we have tied up in the Quad office right now. Oh no, have I said too much?

Anyways, don’t check out our website, it’s probably not for you.

Until next time you snollygosters.

Eat grass,

Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Grief

Triangle Personal Ads

To anonymous on Fizz I’ll see you behind Kelly. Midnight.

Dear Tall Basketball Player, I went to one game and now I’m in love. I wont be going to anymore because you keep losing, so HMU. Sincerely, The girl screaming about how hot you were the whole game.

Dear SoLA, I miss you every day. KSAS just doesn’t do it for me like you did. Call me.

Sincerely, grieving

To the apartment of boys above mine on Greystone Ave that plays “My Love Mine All Mine” by Mitski at least 10x per day; Who hurt you?

To DJ Rory, I’m really sorry for asking you to play I’ll Tell Me Ma 18 times on Manhattys Day. I promise I was drunk. With love, You Know Who

To the drunk woman in Beal,

Save the next dance for me.

Sincerely, Underaged student

Missed Connections:

Missed Connections: You let me hit your Love Story Airbar in Fens and I have been thinking about you ever since

Dear marketing majors, You’re not that much better than Comm. Stop flexing.

Dear Deli Cat,

I love you with all my heart but every time I see your shadow on the Horan stairs at night I pee myself just a little bit.

Sincerely, scared.

Send in YOUR own Triangle Personal Ad! The cost is either $50 million dollars to fix the budget deficit or performing a Mongolian Throat Singing Medley on the quad while jumping rope with the local raccoons. March 26, 2024

The Chocolate Workers Strike Again

The Dancing Rat, Ballerina Instructor

There’s a knock on the door as a man opens Riverside’s office door and exclaims, “Sir, we’ve got a problem, the chocolate workers are back.”

Shortly after a completely not fake email was sent to the college community about the new renovations about to take place on campus, disaster struck. There were rumblings in the common area and buzz around the local delis that this day was coming, but no one could confirm if the rumors were true.

According to the archives, kept well hidden within the library, there was once a vibrant community of chocolate workers that built their factory in the current engineering school buildings. They were forced out by a gang of wild raccoons and never heard from again, until now.

Sources have reported that there were early signs that the chocolate workers would return, even claiming to have seen traces of chocolate footprints around the halls.

One student reported smelling a delightful aroma that distracted him from learn-

ing fluid mechanics.

“It was just really strange, one minute I was falling asleep in class and the next thing I knew, I was trying to find out where this amazing smell was coming from,” the student said.

Administration declined to comment on the situation other than stating, “Everything is under control.”

Based upon further investigation, it appears that the chocolate workers embedded countless chocolate recipes into the walls of classrooms and the lounges as they developed new chocolates over time. However, the raccoon incident prompted them to flee earlier than anticipated, which meant leaving behind their secret recipes.

The Triangle had the chance to speak with one of the chocolate workers’ labor union leaders as to why they have come out of the shadows.

“We simply came back to claim what was ours, our beloved, carefully planned out recipes are still stuck in the walls of that building and we have every right to claim them back,” the leader said.

The leader refused to comment on exactly how the workers plan on retrieving their recipes, but students have reported hearing heavy construction equipment being rolled around

campus.

“I think I saw a wrecking ball parked near the train station when I was walking to class one day, but then again I also woke up about 20 minutes ago to make it to class,” the student said.

As of now, the situation seems to be at a standstill, but tension is still in the air as to who will claim the rightful ownership of the chocolate recipes.

When confronted about the possibility of negotiating with the students to try and crack the recipes out of the walls, the union leader stated that it could be arranged with the incentive being a lifetime supply of free chocolate.

“There’s a specific pattern to how we’ve hidden all the recipes,” the leader said. “After all, chocolate making is serious business. Whoever comes closest to helping us get them back will be rewarded with their dream supply of sweets.”

Will the recipes be embedded in the building as part of Jasper history, or will the chocolate workers get the vengeance they desperately seek? Stay tuned as The Triangle uncovers this breaking story in the following weeks.

“Gates to Hell,” New Student Bar Opens Along the Stairway to Hell

Daemon Ram Food & Culture Writer

Next month, “Gates to Hell,” a new local bar will open up halfway through the stairway to hell in a move the owner calls, “ingenious.” “The Stairway to Hell,” a less-than affectionate nickname given by locals, are the stairs that connect Irwin to Waldo Ave.

The owner, Luci Morningstar, is no stranger to the service industry. “I’ve been running bars for what feels like eons,” Morningstar said. Morningstar explains that his target audience is the Manhattan College students as their need for another bar is desperate. “It’s as if they have been praying for somewhere to go on the weekends,” Morningstar said.

The bar will be the largest in the neighborhood with a small entryway in the front, decorated affectionately to

match its namesake with seven different rooms, each decorated to match each of the seven deadly sins. “The idea just came to me,” Morningstar said. “Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth. I think the students will feel connected to the different rooms.”

Bea Elsabub is the mastermind carpenter behind the bar. “Mr. Morningstar had a very specific vision,” Elsabub said. “The room for pride is the bathroom, decorated wall to wall with mirrors. Gluttony is a snack bar and buffet. Wrath is a rage room with bats and axes to destroy various plates and television sets. However, greed is my personal favorite. It’s set up as a boxing ring, with the winner getting $100 for every opponent they beat. I have no idea how we got the permit for this.”

Reater Lotus, one of the Gates to Hell’s bartenders, shares that her signature cocktails will be one of the primary reasons students will love this bar. “Most college bars you’re

going to get watered-down drinks, if anything ours are the opposite,” Lotus said. “We’re well equipped to handle drunk college kids. The bar is fitted with troths along all the walls to collect throw up.”

Norm Guy is the other bartender for the upcoming spot. Guy explains that he found the ad on Craigslist. “I have ten years of bartending experience and Mr. Morningstar seemed like a cool dude,” Guy said. “He’s paying me $50 an hour to stand in the gluttony room and pour tequila on guests. Can’t get much better than that.”

The bar’s opening night will take place on April 6th at 6:06 p.m. and feature a specialty drink called “Blood Sacrifice” and $10 beer buckets. “The event will be a hit,” Morningstar said. “I have no doubt that the guests will never want to leave.”

The Gates to Hell is currently seeking a bar back, for students interested they should visit the bar Mondays through Fridays anytime after 6 p.m.

with a blood sample and copy of their resume in traditional Latin. Morningstar asks that any silver jewelry or crosses be left outside. “It’ll just ruin the vibe, that’s the only reason,” Morningstar said.

While opening night is weeks away, students can get excited by checking out events and deals on their Instagram @ iswearthisisnottheactualgatestohell.

Gibby Gibson from iCarly Appointed New Dean of O’Malley School of Business

and name tags, which we hope will save the business school upward of 200 dollars.”

After a lengthy search, the O’Malley School of Business has appointed Orenthan Cornelius Hayes Gibson, commonly known from his role in the popular Nickelodeon sitcom iCarly, to serve as the new dean beginning in the Fall 2024 academic year.

Gibson, who has requested that he be addressed by all as “Dean Gibby,” was invited to interview for the role by the new dean search committee formed by the assistant dean of the O’Malley School of Business, Smileen Scarelly.

“It was a tough decision,” Scarelly said. “Our students have grown especially fond of the current dean, Bob Gibson. So we thought it would be best to continue with another Gibson as Dean. Plus, with all the current difficulties faced at the college, it’s honestly cheaper to have another Dean Gibby instead of choosing from one of our other applicants. Now we can save money on plaques

A pool of nearly four applicants applied after seeing an ad for the open position on Craigslist. The decision ultimately came down to choosing between Elon Musk or Gibby to be appointed as dean.

During the final round of interviews, Musk sat before the selection committee and outlined his many successful business ventures, highlighting his work with Tesla, SpaceX, OpenAI and SpaceCity. Musk also proposed that if appointed dean, he would personally donate more than $50,000,000 to the college. In addition, Musk proposed investing in the beloved social media platform Fizz, expanding its capabilities to include an online dating service specifically for MC students, Rizz4Fizz, and an all-new form of currency called FizzCoin, which could be converted to Jasper dollars to be spent at Fens.

According to the search committee, Gibby’s final in-

terview for the position was also a sight to behold. Rather than responding to the various questions about his previous experience and hopes and dreams for the college, Gibby started the interview by taking off his shirt. He then uttered one word: “Gibbeh,” to which the search committee replied, “You’re hired.”

The Triangle interviewed the newly appointed dean.

“Yeah, I’m pretty excited, I guess,” Gibby said. “I haven’t been able to find work since

they ended iCarly. I was supposed to have my own spinoff show, but that never got off the ground. And my therapist says this job will be good for my self-confidence, which is cool.”

Gibby hopes to bring his previous experience with social media and web editing from iCarly to the O’Malley School of Business. He hopes to add a number of new courses to bolster the morale and social skills of business students, including “The Business of Dance,” “Drawing on Fruit,” “Liquid Soap Salesmanship,” and a new

philosophy course titled “When Are Shirts Optional?”

Gibby also hopes to add new programs such as a new concentration within the marketing major for “Donut Sales” and “Becoming an Iconic Internet Personality.”

The search committee hopes that the new, young Dean Gibby will attract more young entrepreneurs to apply to the O’Malley School of Business.

Spencer Shay Artist

MC Begins Renting Hayden Hall’s New Apartments on Airbnb

Hayden Hall has recently announced the closing of its first and second floors in order to establish new apartments to rent out on the popular traveling site Airbnb. Manhattan College has undergone many structural renovations around campus in the last year, and students are beginning to question who this construction is said to benefit in the future.

Hayden Hall is the college’s most recent victim of this campus scaffolding epidemic, as it blocks several main entrances, including the ones for commuters to enter easily from the parking garage.

In an attempt to gain more commuter interest from the

student body and earn more money for the school from outside vendors, the Office of the Provost sent out an email earlier this week announcing the adjustment.

Construction workers were seen walking around campus with wallpaper samples and multiple pieces of brand-new furniture that sell for thousands of dollars on websites such as Fleming & Howland.

Construction worker Robert “Bob The Builder” McGraw Jr. was able to meet with The Triangle during his lunch break.

“They hired me because they need the best of the best for this kind of project,” McGraw Jr. said. “From what my team and I can see, the building [Hayden Hall] is starting to sink and shift from the ground up.”

McGraw Jr. refused to comment on how much the college is contributing to his company, coming all the way from Fixham Harbour, where they are originally based.

Sophomore commuter student Matt Rife, shared the benefits it would give to commuter students wanting to attend nighttime events on campus or around.

“I wonder if students, especially commuters, will be presented with a discount to stay here overnight,” Rife said. “This new Airbnb gives them [commuters] a place to stay after a night out with friends if they don’t have enough space in their dorms or apartments.”

With Hayden 100 being the home to many campus events, students are worried there will not be enough space for their education and events.

“I understand a lot of screenings and classes occur on the first two floors of Hayden,” Rife said. “I also want to bring my stand-up comedy to campus and I heard Hayden 100 is the perfect space.”

Rife expressed his sadness to The Triangle when he found out there was already a comedy group on campus that performs in Hayden.

In the email from the provost, there is also a mock-up sketch of what the Airbnbs are meant to look like, with one apartment option listed at $450 a night and the other containing just the bed and toilet option set at $100.

The email does not suggest a discount for students, but outside people renting will have to go through the same process as My MC Housing portal, Residence Life at Manhattan

College, adapted earlier in the semester.

The Airbnb listing for the apartments and rooms is already up on the website and accepting bookings for the next year. A caution note is also listed for outside booking requests to inform them of the not-very-long process of verifying their identities.

“If you are not a student at Manhattan College, which we are assuming most of you will not be, you must create a temporary MC login and put your information in there,” the listing says.

If you are looking to book for opening week in August, a sign-up sheet will be up outside of what is, for now, Hayden 100.

Angelina Ballerina Paparazzi & Theater Nerd

Remy the Rat Looking to Turn Lockes into a Michelin Star Restaurant

Manhattan College has recently hired Parisian celebrity chef Remy the Rat as the head chef for Locke’s Loft. He, alongside his crew, are looking to turn the sub-par dining area into a Michelin Star restaurant.

World-famous star, Mouse, from the best-seller, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,” spoke to The Triangle about the living arrangements the school has provided them while they try to salvage Locke’s Loft.

“I was put into a dormitory with all my crew, we are worldrenowned chefs, not animals,” Mouse said. “You would think they would at least provide complementary cheese upon our arrival. Then maybe some blankets and perhaps some beds that don’t give back pain. I’ve run into other rats living there and they have no manners, they just come into our rooms and students’ rooms and rummage through our things. Not a good look for Manhattan College.”

Remy shared some of his findings when observing the eating habits of MC students in Horan and the dining hall.

“It’s strange, students are hungry and need sustenance and they go for an iced coffee with a piece of gum,” Remy said. “I checked the options in the dining hall and to be frank, seasoning was lacking in almost every food. I know bad cooking when I taste it. I had to train my friend Linguini by pulling his hair for God’s sake! I thought, if I was a student, I would probably make an iced coffee with a piece of gum as my go-to breakfast as well.”

Remy continued and said that the menu itself lacked character as well as time on the grill.

“It’s outrageous, usually if the chicken is pink most people know it’s not cooked,” Remy said. “Simply having a Tex-Mex area with a passable

pasta station does not mean good dining experiences. Do not get me started on the vegan options, newsflash! There aren’t any. There needs to be consistency in every platter. If this place ever becomes a Michelin-star-rated restaurant, we have a lot of work to do.”

John LoverofStonks, a senior finance, accounting and marketing triple major, believes that turning Lockes into a restaurant is the most financially savvy thing that MC could do.

“If surrounding members of the community are willing to wait in line to get into Lockes Loft, why not generate some cash flow by setting up some restaurant hours for noncampus folk and charging an absurd amount of money as they charge us,” LoverofStonks said. “If students must wait and starve to get a chance to eat in order for the school to make money, so be it. Revenue people, we need it.”

Jenna LittleBites, a sophomore international studies major, saw when the new chefs started to move into the Horan building and shared that her interaction with the chefs was particularly funny.

“I love traveling and have been to Paris which is when I saw that the celebrity chef was Remy and that he brought his crew, I let out the loudest screech,” LittleBites said. “I have seen rats in Horan before, but not celebrity rats. I was very excited that MC could get them to make better food. I think we’re in good hands.”

Remy hopes that the platters picked out can be up to par for students at Manhattan College.

“Listen, it is very difficult to pick out dishes for students that survive off of coffee, Starbucks refreshers, questionably cooked chicken bowls and reheated pizza,” Remy said. “But once we pinpoint this menu, it will be smooth sailing from there.”

Gordon Ramsay World Class Chef

Students React to the Reaffirming of Quidditch Team

Mo Bamba DKE Loiterer

Last Wednesday, Manhattan College students met with Expelliarmus Rivirso to discuss his reaffirming of cutting the Quidditch team due to “right-sizing.”

Rivirso also had his team answer several questions regarding changes to the schools of sorcery, science and witchcraft and professors being let go in order to create a new “concrete jungle gym” in Hayden for students.

Betty Bop, a student at MC who used to be captain of the Quidditch team, shared how she felt.

“It’s really sad that our team can no longer compete,

we just bought new sticks and were on our way to the nationals this spring,” Bop said. “I guess it is nice to have it reaffirmed though”.

Bop explained how the team is still meeting despite being cut.

“We still meet to practice and just spend time together as a team,” Bop said. “It’s important that all of us get to connect and spend time together even if we aren’t competing.”

Jenny Tayla, another student at MC, was very confused at the reasoning behind cutting the team.

“I was really confused as to why we need to build a jungle gym out of concrete and scaffolding for students,” Tayla said. “But I guess with the schools combining into sor-

cery, science is no longer needed.”

Tayla’s major of fortune-telling is no longer being offered to future students at MC.

“It’s hard because fortune-telling is something I’ve always wanted to do, and it’s sad to see it’s not continuing, especially with all of the great professors we have here on campus.”

The Starbucks in Kelly has also had a shortage of coffee, as many students have been searching to see if they have the grim, a bad omen, in their cup.

“A lot of people have come to me to help them read their coffee,” Tayla said. “Thankfully there have not been a lot of grims.”

Rivirso himself had a lot to

say about the changes at MC; however, he handed his microphone to Severus Snape to answer the question.

“We want to make this environment great for all students and we want to invest in new things that will make this school great for future generations,” Snape said. “It’s important to use critical thinking skills when making changes to the school.”

Snape also referenced the recent cut to the Quidditch Team.

“It is unfortunate to have to cut the team,” Snap said. “However ‘right-sizing’ is necessary and will overall benefit the school and its students.”

Rivirso replied, “I reaffirm.”

Not all students were unhappy with the new concrete

scaffolding jungle gym being built by Hayden Hall.

Mr. Chimp, a new student at MC who has begun studying a new concentration at MC, mewing, has been using the jungle gym every day since it was built.

“Oo ooh, ah ah,” Chimp said. “Oooh ooh, ahhh, ahhh.”

Chimp’s love for the jungle gym shows that although some changes at MC may be drastic for some, others are enjoying the new additions to the college.

Overall, the reaffirming seemed to leave many students sure of one thing, there’s always a scaffolding up to play on.

Frat Fist Fights For Funds

Dick N. Balls Staff Infection

Manhattan College is nationally known for its student-athletes, but never for boxing. Fraternity PPP [pronounced rho, rho, rho] debuted the college’s first underground fight club in March. The fight club, which held its grand opening last week, is known on the streets as PPP Punch, PPPP, or P^4.

According to chapter president Buford Buttocks, the debut of the secret fight club all started with an idea from a “What are the odds?” game one Thirsty Thursday. The fraternity decided to up the stakes when fundraising efforts took a dip for the worst last semester.

“Well, uh after the budget cuts, we had to think outside the box,” Buttocks said. “Get it… box? Anyways, yeah we all got together one night and Toof challenged me with a dare to start a fight club, and then we actually did it. Let’s go PPP!”

P^4 meets every Wednesday night strictly at 6:09 pm in the back room of Fenwicks Pub on West 238 St. The group learned to properly fight by watching self-defense YouTube videos projected in Hayden 100, secretly after chapter. Junior and PPP secretary Chip Toof shares why he decided to create the underground fraternity club this spring.

“I just love my bros so much, there’s nothing like wrestling around and being a guy,” Toof said, who recently lost a tooth for the brotherly cause.

The fight club hopes to reach its goal of $12,345 by the end of the semester. Although the fight club is underground, audience tickets are sold for $5 and bets start at $.02 cents and go up to $50. P^4 fighter and senior Lester Glenn shares his experience in the club.

“I’m so pumped to be here, man,” Glenn said. “I just hope we can make our fundraising goal so we can throw an end-ofthe-year rager.”

The brothers plan to use the money they raise to plan a large and extravagant day party in Van Cortlandt Park. PPP pledge, George Phoney, adds his perspective on the club’s journey to its goal.

“Wait, I thought we were raising money to make dues decrease for new members…”

Phoney said as he looked confused at his other brothers and stormed off. “Are you serious?”

Senior PPP Treasurer Bob Gigantic clarified that the money will be going to a good cause, back to their stride and true, MC.

“I think it’s obvious that the money will be going back to our fraternity, I mean our school, in our own special way, if you know what I mean,” Gigantic said with a smile.

P^4 is aware of the chance of getting shut down and banned from the school because of the illegalities of betting on fights.

PPP Risk Management Justin Time offers enlightenment on the situation at hand.

“Hey, as long as no one is ending up like that one girl in Million Dollar Baby, I think we are good,” Time said. “Punch me for $100?”

farTs & enTerTainmenT

JasperJams:PresidentialPicks

Angelina Ballerina Spotify User

The Triangle had the opportunity to sit with the president of Manhattan College, Myles Rivers, Ph.D. and get his current favorite songs playing nonstop on his Pandora Music throughout all seasons and before a big meeting he has.

Alvin and the Chipmunks - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

I love Alvin and the Chipmunks and any song rendition they make, so I am glad President Rivers knows what it means to enjoy quality music in this day and age. He said his second choice would have been ‘Witch Doctor.”

Favorite line: “You spin me right round baby.”

Let it Grow - From “Dr. Seuss” The Lorax

Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow. This song changed the music industry for the better. I will never forget.

Favorite line: “Let it grow”

Barbie Girl - Aqua

With the love the Barbie movie continues to gain and

its soundtrack being one of the best I have ever heard, I was sad to hear this bop not being mentioned even slightly in the movie.

Favorite line: “Come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Riff Off: Mickey/Like A Virgin/Hit Me With Your Best Shot/S&M/Let’s Talk About Sex/I’ll Make Love

To You/Feels Like The First Time/No Diggity - The Treblemakers, The Bu Harmonics, The Barden Bellas

No screen showdown will ever compare to the riff-off that occurred in the Pitch Perfect movie. Producers need to stop before they’re ahead.

Favorite lines: “And I guess it’s just the woman in you / That brings out the man in me”

Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) - Shakira

Where did this song come from and why did it never leave?

Favorite line: IT’S TIME FOR AFRICA!!!

You Belong With MeTaylor Swift

I have jammed to this very iconic Swift song before in Fenwicks on a Friday night or one of the frat houses. Not sure which one though.

JASPER JAMS

Favorite line: “Oh, I remember you driving to my house / in the middle of the night / I’m the one who makes you laugh / when you know you’re bout to cry”

Perfect - One Direction

Being a Directioner is such a green flag and while I think there are other songs that are better on this album, I think this one is best to party to.

Favorite line: “and if you like midnight driving with the window down.”

Scan here to listen to the Triangle’s Playlist!

SHORT KINGS BY THE TRIANGLE STAFF, POOKIE PICS

Barry Keoghan, 5’8

Volodymyr Zelensky, 5’7

Josh Hutcherson, 5’5

& enTerTainmenT

Book Nook: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

Anna Banana Congressional Rodenticide Lobbyist

As one of the most iconic children’s books of the last few decades, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff.

The book is a cautionary tale, warning readers to be wary of welcoming mice into their homes, lest they decide to hang around. The titular mouse asks for a cookie, and goes on to make a series of increasingly exasperating demands ranging from a glass of milk to a handmade mouse-sized bed. It starts simple, a mouse knocks on a young man’s door asking for a cookie. Like any

Good Samaritan, this young man helps this mouse in need. However, once he lets the mouse into his house, like a vampire, it starts to suck our protagonist dry.

The illustrations in this book are done by the very talented Felicia Bond, who is able to fully capture the horror of this invasion. Bond is able to perfectly convey the crazed mania of the mouse, and their

violent actions, thrashing about and breaking several possessions of their victim.

The mouse destroys a young boy’s home, in a seemingly manic episode brought on by its desire for chaos. The mouse, despite sleeping, eating, and working at the house, refuses to pay any rent or property taxes.

Does this tragedy sound familiar? It should. I think this book is relevant to our current situation as mice have been similarly infiltrating Horan Hall here on campus. While students pay thousands to stay in our dorms, these mice are living here for free, sneaking in, and never having to work for anything.

Allegedly, some of the mice have been claiming that they’re in Horan to study what kinds of cookies students eat the most to better the selection in Lockes’ Loft.

“We are here to do a job, plain and simple,” said one anonymous mouse. “People will hate us regardless, there’s nothing we can do.”

Despite this, students are not happy, and say that the mice are completely unemployed, and leeching off residents of Horan.

“I mean, I had one mouse ask me to start getting more expensive takeout,” said Horan

resident Rod Entia. “They’ve been eating my Chipotle leftovers, chewing through my clothes, and making noise all night, it is completely ridiculous.”

One expert called to deal with the situation is New York City’s official Rat Czar, Kathleen Corradi. Obviously one of the most qualified to handle these mice, she regularly consults Numeroff’s book on how to conduct her campaigns and teach students.

“There’s a common misconception that If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is a fictional book, but let me assure you that it is based on very real events,” said The Czar. “The boy in the book is ruined by the mouse’s brutal assault, unable to keep up with the mouse’s hyperactivity. Based on this, we advise new recruits to our anti-rodent militia to always keep alert and awake while on the job.”

While Numeroff gives no clear answer on how to solve this crisis in her writing, one thing is certainly clear, if you give a mouse a cookie, that is only the beginning.

A Performance to Remember: NAV x Barbie x Rats

Spring weather brings many fresh, new beginnings for people, but not for Manhattan College students, who wonder how the chapel’s roof collapsed during this year’s springfest.

The event started like any other day, with students excitedly chatting and gathering around the main quad for the day’s events.

Faculty and staff had promised students “A concert to remember” as this year’s theme in hopes that it would bring together more people for a musical celebration.

The performance lineup was declared to be a fan favorite as NAV prepared to take the stage and perform for hundreds of students.

“I waited for weeks for the tickets to come on sale and I immediately grabbed them once they were available,” one excited student said. “I have memorized most of his songs by now so this is really an exciting moment for me.”

The concert was scheduled to begin in the evening following a candy buffet-styled table

for students to fuel up around before the concert.

Once inside the auditorium, students described the atmosphere as “breathtaking” and “a real step up from what they [the college] usually do” for these types of events.

The whole auditorium was decorated with a golden and white theme with touches of pink accenting the walls and chairs.

NAV stepped out onto the stage and the show began with multiple chants and students singing along to their favorite verses.

He had just gotten to the final song of the night and was making an announcement to the crowd of cheering students.

“This last song is dedicated to all of you who came out here tonight, so I wanna feel the energy you’re feeling right now,” NAV said.

Just as students were about to cheer him on, the lights went dark throughout the auditorium. Then, a flash of pink erupted from a single spotlight in the center of the stage. In an unexpected twist, Ryan Gosling appeared as a special guest performer, decked out in a full pink and white ensemble.

“I hope you don’t mind NAV, but I came to add a bit of sparkle to the evening,” Gosling said. “After all, this is my favorite college.”

Just as the two artists were about to engage in a verbal fight, there was a sudden rumbling from the top of the auditorium.

Another student reported seeing flecks of white paint and dust falling from the ceiling.

“It’s almost as if something was up there chewing and gnawing its way through the

wood,” the student said. “All I remember seeing last was a flash of pink and white before bolting out of the place.”

Just as the dust had started to fall, there was a loud crack and the ceiling began to cave in.

All students and both performers evacuated the scene immediately and no injuries were reported.

Once the dust had settled, the fire department told The Triangle that the cause of the incident had been mice chewing through the wood in

the ceiling after hearing noise coming from the concert. The rodents had been sleeping peacefully within the structure and were disturbed by the loud music.

The Triangle got a few words from Gosling about the evening’s events, but NAV declined to comment and was seen heading back to his trailer, kicking a suspicious snowman down on the quad with his assistant.

“I don’t know what else to tell you man, I’m just Ken,” Gosling said.

Your local deli cat Meow Enthusiast

The mouse terror destroys an innocent civilian’s home. FELICIA BOND / COURTESY

Hybride Recreational Esports Takes Subway Surfers to HeightsCompetitive

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For Entertainment only

An exciting development for gaming enthusiasts and risk-takers is available at Manhattan College. The college is expanding its Esport program after the Esport Valorant team placed first at the MAAC championship this past month. The Esports and the recreational department announced a new sport has emerged, dedicated to mastering the popular mobile game “Subway Surfers” and riding the NYC subway system.

The team dubbed the “Slick City Surfers” aims to provide students with a platform to engage in friendly competition, hone their gaming skills and build a sense of community around their shared passion for mobile gaming. With the widespread availability of smart-

phones and the accessibility of “Subway Surfers,” the game serves as an inclusive choice for players of all backgrounds and skill levels.

Speaking about the initiative, Esports coordinator, Mr. Luigi Brother, expressed enthusiasm for the potential of the new team. The decision to introduce a team specifically for “Subway Surfers” supports the college’s commitment to fostering diverse interests among its student body.

“Esports is about more than just professional gaming; it’s about bringing people together through a shared love of gaming,” Brother said. “The mobile game is easy to access, and riding the tops of the trains is a unique physical aspect of the sport. We’re excited to see students come together to compete in ‘Subway Surfers’ and forge new connections on campus.”

The formation of the “Slick

City Surfers” comes at a time when the college increasingly recognizes the value of Esports as a legitimate activity that fosters teamwork, strategic thinking, and communication skills. By embracing games like “Subway Surfers,” which have a broad appeal and low barrier to entry, MC is making Esports more accessible to a wider range of students.

Subway surfing, the exhilarating act of riding on the exterior of a moving subway train, is now a portion of the Esport. MC is perfectly placed to join this Esport division because of the 1 train next to campus.

Once a week, the players participate in subway surfing the 1 train from 242 St. down to Dyckman Street.

Student Esport advocate, Teresa Thrill, likes this risk factor to the Subway Surfers sport.

“I love being risky and frisky on the top of the sub-

way train,” Thrill said. “Who wouldn’t want to risk it all on the 1 for a good time? I am not worried about getting injured because the school is broke so I wouldn’t be able to sue them anyways.”

Psychology student, Mike Metro, questions the ability of students to stay safe while participating in the game.

“While subway surfing may offer a momentary thrill and fleeting fame on social media, the potential consequences far outweigh the temporary adrenaline rush,” Metro said. “The MTA should stop these hooligans.”

Students interested in joining the “Slick City Surfers” are encouraged to reach out to the team’s organizers for more information on how to get involved. Whether they’re casual players looking for a fun

way to connect with peers or competitive gamers seeking to test their skills in a structured environment, there’s a place for everyone on the team.

As the Esports landscape continues to evolve, MC is positioning itself at the forefront of this burgeoning movement. With the launch of the “Slick City Surfers,” the college is not only embracing the future of gaming but also providing students with exciting new opportunities for recreation, camaraderie and personal growth.

The inaugural season of the “Slick City Surfers” promises to be an exhilarating journey for participants and spectators alike, as the team sets out to make its mark in the competitive world of mobile gaming at the MAAC championship in 2025.

Squirrels Take Over Draddy Gymnasium

Squirr Ellsin MyPants

D1 Floor Mopper

A colony of squirrels has taken over Draddy Gymnasium, making it an unsafe place for student-athletes to practice. The large colony of squirrels has been seen making a number of nests inside the basketball hoops and are refusing to leave despite best efforts by animal control officials.

According to ScienceDaily, the modern urban squirrel is native to the exotic region of Van Cortlandt Park. These creatures may appear gray, brown, black or white, though some recent genetic mutations have caused tie dye or neon pink hues, similar to that of an adult flamingo.

These squirrels typically prefer to set their colonies in green spaces, which has led to some confusion as to why the squirrels would enjoy the sweaty, damp conditions of Draddy Gymnasium. The Triangle sent a field reporter to investigate the scene.

“... … …,” the squirrel said. “... … ….”

OldWhiteMan, Ph.D., a professor of wildlife biology within the Kakos School of Science and Everything Else No One Cares About at MC, weighed

in with his very real scientific explanation.

“I did my doctoral thesis on migration patterns of the modern Van Cortlandt squirrel and I have literally no explanation for this,” Whiteman said. “Remember, they have a brain the size of a walnut, and many people don’t know this, but the reason squirrels prefer green spaces is because they’re color blind to everything except white and green. So it’s possible that, due to the large quantity of white and green surfaces in Draddy Gymnasium, they just really like it there.”

Video footage obtained by The Triangle revealed the squirrels playing their own version of basketball, dunking large acorns in the nets at night when no one was around. The Triangle sent an investigative reporter to Draddy one night, however, the reporter spontaneously went missing and has not been seen since Thursday.

Dwayne Johnson, a freshman basketball player standing at 6 ‘11 nicknamed “The Rock” during his first semester on the team, was interviewed about his experience trying to practice in Draddy during the squirrel invasion.

“We tried to coexist with them at first,” Johnson said. “During practice, we were running drills and practicing

free throws, and I swear there was one squirrel who would stand on the rim of the basket and swat the ball away so it wouldn’t land in the basket. It was like he was suddenly playing goalie or something. I think he might have been wearing a sweatband too.”

This proved difficult for the Jaspers during their home game the following day. Jaspers faced off against Haverford College, which ended with a final losing score of 0-54. The animal inhabitants of Draddy’s hoops did not let a single basket in the home hoop. Instead, the animals cheered for the other team, in awe of their team mascot, the Haverford College squirrels.

The MC Jasper Dancers weighed in on the issue.

“I don’t see what the problem is,” team captain JoJo Siwa said. “All the male athletes complain about the squirrels, but they’re literally so cute and have never caused any problems for us. They just sit and watch us practice sometimes, they even clap sometimes.”

The squirrels have made Draddy their home with no plans of leaving anytime soon. Stop by the gymnasium and see for yourself, though The Triangle recommends wearing protective gear, as many of the squirrels are biters.