The McGill Tribune Vol. 23 Issue 26

H a rp e r re a d y P M

F e m a le

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d o m in a te

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M ark s se n t h o m e

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M c G ill.

SPORTS, PAGE 25

FEATURES, PAGE 11

NEWS, PAGE 6

’R I B U N E

M c G I L L

Published by the Students' Society of McGill University since 1981

Vol. 23 Issue 26

a th le tic c o m p le x .

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Hey there, I am Tom Peepers, top security man for SSMU.. obviously the Arts Building isn't for sale, but wouldn't that be fumy? These silly Tribbiejunkies think so. Allow me to explain. See page 7.

CAFS wins food fight Daniel Friedlaender, Students’ Society Katherine Fugler vice-president-elect com m unity a n d gov­ ernm ent, w as pleased w ith the results.

D ue to the dem ands o f students, staff “We are h ap p y w ith the m oritorium, a n d faculty, the McGill adm inistration con­ though [it is] not perfect,” he said, adding ced e d yesterday that the cafeteria tender­ that he w as still concerned w ith the ing process, previously sc h e d u le d to D ining at McGill Committee. begin this May, will b e dealayed until until “We d o n ’t kn o w the exact m akeup of 2005. the com m ittee... We n e ed to k n o w the For the past tw o a n d half m onths the exact m andate a n d to kn o w if the [sug­ McGill com m unity, united as the Coalition gestions] o f th e com m ittee c a n b e for Action o n Food Services, protested, ignored." inform ed a n d org an ized th e cam pus SSMU President Kate Rhodes said against upcom ing ten d er o f all cafeterias. that she w as pleased w ith the outcom e V ice-Principal A dm inistration a n d a n d w ould b e using yesterday’s B oard of Finance Morty Yalovsky said that McGill G overnors m eeting to pitch Yalovsky a has decided to place a m oratorium o n all proposal to base the com m ittee’s structure the cafeteria contracts a n d to establish a o n food advisory boards at other universi­ D ining at McGill Advisory Com m ittee to ties, such as W aterloo a n d N ew York look at issues surrounding food o n cam ­ University. ■ pus.

Be a Colum nist.

T

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Back to the polls Laura Saba

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_____

Last T uesday the Students’ Society Judicial B oard unani­ m ously overturned the chief returning officer’s decision to disqualify candidate Alam Alii from the presidential race. A new polling p eriod will b e held exclusively on-line over a fiveday period this w eek w ith Alli’s nam e reinstated o n the ballot.

T he five m em bers o f the b o a rd fo u n d th at CRO Carlyryan K ochen “did not take reasonable m easures to investi­ gate and independently sub­ stantiate the m ost serious o f the alleged violations.”

T hese inclu d ed allega­

tions that SSMU President Kate Rhodes, w h o is running for reelection, w as harassed by Alli’s cam paign team , as well that Alli’s cam paign slandered her.

The bo ard also ordered that Alii b e publicly censured for using th e Science U ndergraduate Society office to store cam paign m aterials and for sending unsolicited e-mails.

Shortly after the Judicial Board a n n o u n ce d its decision, K ochen, D eputy R eturning Officer Aislinn Reid a n d the tw o elections coordinators collec­ tively resigned from their posi-

See FORMER, page 3

I “As sm okers, we feel th a t w e are oppressed an d discrim inated against.”

FEATURES, PAGE 14 I ‘“ C ocks a n d pussies!

G et y o u r cocks and pussies here!”’

A&E, PAGE 17 I “W atch a gam e th at Scapinello officiates an d it w on’t be the missed calls you notice.

It will be the w hite and black flash.”

SPORTS, PAGE 24

A p p l i c a t i o n s m u s t i n c l u d e ...

e

2004-05

• • • •

letter of in ten t CV th re e (3) relev an t w riting sam p les co lu m n th e m e , six (6) related story ideas a n d sam p le p arag ra p h D R O P OFF APPLICATIONS IN T H E McGILL TRIBUNE OFFICE, SHATNER 110, BY FRIDAY, APRIL 2N D , 2 0 0 4 AT 5PM .

2

News

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Campus NEWS

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Your Granny isnt invited

CFS pian could solve student insurance dilemma

A rts c o n v o c a tio n c a p p e d a t tw o g u e s ts p e r g r a d u a t e Emily Harris Som e Arts stu d e n ts w e re angered this w eek w h en they learned that their spring convoca­ tion has a lim ited guest list.

D ue to com plaints m ade by prev io u s graduates, th e Arts U ndergraduate Society lo b b ie d the adm inistration for a unified Arts convocation, w hich will take place Ju n e 2 o n Lower Field. The o utdoor location a n d the size of the faculty, the largest at McGill, led the adm inistration to limit each graduate to tw o guests.

“T w o tickets sounds restric­ tive, I a p p rec ia te th at,” said C atherine Le Maistre, the coordi­ nator of this year’s convocation.

“But there is n o o ther facility big e n o u g h to host [the event] w ith an unlim ited n um ber o f guests.”

Le Maistre stressed that the com bined Arts cerem ony w as at the request o f the students. In the past students had expressed dis­ a p p o in tm en t b eca u se th e Arts convocation w as divided arbitrari­ ly by last nam e o r departm ent.

“Restricting the n um ber o f tickets is a direct outcom e o f this n ew form o f cerem ony,” she said.

Le M aistre reiterated that although initially students w ould b e lim ited to tw o tickets, there

w o u ld b e a n o p p o rtu n ity to request m ore o n a first-come, firstserved basis w h en the organizers w ere sure o f the space available.

T he convocation is sched­ uled to take place in a tent set u p o n Lower Field. D ue to fire regu­ lations, a limited n um ber o f p e o ­ ple are allow ed inside the tent.

“T he m axim um n um ber of p eople, including the platform party, is 2,800,” Le Maistre said.

“T he reason this limit is there is the fact that the fire m arshal w o n ’t allow m ore.”

W ith m ore than 850 students graduating at the cerem ony, three guests each w ould push the atten­ dance to over 3,500. Le Maistre said that this w ould b e unaccept­ able, as the university does not w ant to e ndanger any o f the guests.

Som e students are still not h appy w ith the situation.

“G raduating from university is a very im portant occasion and limiting guests to tw o p e r student m akes n o sense,” said graduate Sarah Trottier. “[This policy] essentially discrim inates against less traditional families. If your biological parents are n o longer together a n d b oth have significant others, [not all o f th em can attend].”

P le a s e

Trottier said that it w ould be better if the cerem ony rem ained divided, if that m eant she and her friends could invite m ore guests.

AUS V ice-P resident A cadem ic D aniel F riedlaender said that students have b e e n lob­ bying for m ore th an four years to have a n integrated cerem ony for th e faculty. Le M aistre also stressed that the principal a n d o rganizers in th e past h a d received m ultiple com plaints from students.

Although students are not united o n the issue, Friedlaender believes the cerem ony will b e a w onderful event.

“This is the first tim e that it is outside,” h e said. “This is not a perfect process, but the adm inis­ tration is listening to the students.”

F reid laen d er a d d e d that there had also been restrictive ticket policies in the past and that it is hard to please everyone in such a large faculty. H e said he believes that this is a good first step.

Le Maistre also said that she w ants students to enjoy the cere­ m ony a n d urged them to check th e c o n v o ca tio n Web' site, www.mcgill.ca/convocations for the date that they will b e able to pick u p additional tickets. ■

S i t t i n g

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S m o g g y

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V e h i c l e

i n

Watch out Bill Graham, here comes David Anber!

A recent McGill graduate has set his sights o n becom ing a m em ber o f parlia­ ment.

David Anber, B.A. ’03, h opes to

d a y s

F i n d i n g so ?

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i s

f u n

s m e l l s

t h e

l u n g s

p a r k i n g tr y in g

—Jennifer Jett

b e a u t i f u l

e x h a u s t

e ’r e

“I believe very strongly in the Conservative party and in th e n e e d to replace the Liberals w ith a governm ent of integrity; a governm ent w hich is com pe­ tent and a governm ent that truly believes in m oving Canada forw ard,” said the 23year-old Anber. “I think that I w ould d o a good job as a m em ber o f parliam ent, and I'm looking forward to participating in the removal o f probably the most corrupt a n d incom petent governm ent in recent Canadian history."

Anber, w ho w as the founder and president o f Canadian Alliance McGill from 2000 to 2002, served as a m em ber of the national council o f the Canadian Alliance.

“I see w hat it takes to represent a federal political party at the m ost senior levels, to understand public policy at the federal level and to sit in O ttaw a as a m em ber o f parliam ent," he said.

Members o f the party will decide from am ong the th ree candidates o n April 4. As a potential candidate running against Graham , A nber said he will be counting o n voters' desire for change.

“I think that’s o n e o f the w onders of dem ocracy,” he said. “W hen a sitting gov­ ernm ent fails to m eet the needs of Canadians and only caters to its ow n needs, then voters have the privilege and the duty, in fact, to bring in an alternate governm ent."

t h a t a p p ly :

t r a f f i c

s t r e n g t h e n s

D o n ’t th in k

—Heather Haq Lawrence

check a l l

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□

Increasingly, student and faculty associations across C anada, including several at McGill, have experienced diffi­ culty obtaining general liability insurance.

For exam ple, in N ovem ber Students’ Society executives w ere forced to close the Shatner building for 24 hours after SSMU’s general liability insurance expired. T hese student a n d faculty asso­ ciations could be in luck, how ever, according to the next year's SSMU vicepresident operations.

Anthony Di Carlo, the current SSMU treasurer, said the C anadian Federation o f Students is developing o n e possible so lu ­ tion. The federal lobby g ro u p plans to create a student-run nationw ide liability insurance plan through the non-profit insurance provider G reen Shield.

“Although the ultim ate decision falls in- the hands o f the general m anager, I will pursue w hatever the current contract allow s,” Di Carlo said.

Di Carlo em phasized the im portance o f this issue a n d said that he is already w orking to resolve it. A nother solution he p roposed involves the form ation o f a council o f vice-presidents o f finance from each faculty in addition to the SSMU vicepresident operations.

receive the Conservative nom ination to run for MP in the T oronto CentreRosedale riding. If nom inated, h e will run again st Foreign Affairs M inister Bill Graham.

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In partnership with the AMT, McGill has embarked on a transportation demand management project to assess the commuting needs of the McGill population—staff, students and faculty. Complete the survey at www.mcgill.ca/rethink by April 15, 2004 and enter our draw for great prizes, from transit passes to a trip to the spa! vef w o 'tJ v e tt h& A /ct e n o n g tA ' to fg & t w he/i/e* npvt- ct/oe* n o w -— it jt u y n if t n t if you do not have access to the internet but would iike to complete a paper copy of the survey, please complete the following form and return to Allégo survey, c/o Environmental Officer, New Chancellor Day Hall Suite 615 ; a copy of the survey will be sent to the ad­ dress you indicate below, NAME

'

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M cG ill

* In conjunction with

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to f f é t hest-e/.

Sub-Committee onthe Environment (workinggroupoftheSonate CommitteeonPhysical Development)

NewChancellor DayHall 3644 Peel, Suite 0616 Montreal, Quebec H3A1W9 Online: http://www.meglll.ca/rethlnk

MCGILL ADDRESS

Agence métropolitaine de transport

VOYAGEZ .

FUTE montrErl □ English survey

□ Sondage en français SVP

Fer more Information about this and ether environmental projects at McGill: Phone: 514-39M247 Email: rethfnk&mccHl.ca se déplacer autrement

a llé G o

News

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Former CROtakeshelm

NRHroombooking charades Student groups w h o h a d reserved the ballroom o f N ew Residence Hall w ere tem porarily left w ithout a location to hold their events Friday, w h e n th e adm inistra­ tion rejected their reservation requests. By the next m orning, how ever, D irector of Ancillary Services Alan C harade h a d rein­ stated the reservations.

S tu d en ts’ Society V ice-P resident Clubs and Services Mia G ew ertz said that the renovations to the University Centre, w hich beg an yesterday, h a d forced groups that w ould norm ally use the ballroom to seek alternate venues.

T he cancellation o f the reservations in co n v e n ien c ed org an izers w h o h a d p lanned to hold events at NRH ballroom .

“T h e K orean cu ltu re night h a d approval from everybody, except it w a sn ’t writing. T hey had already sp en t m oney o n advertising it,” G ew ertz said.

A letter sent by SSMU to the adm inis­ tration said that, w ithout w arning or explanation, all NRH room bookings for the m onth o f April w ere cancelled. The

letter rem inds the adm inistration that SSMU has allow ed Student Services and other units o f McGill to use the University Center ballroom o n short notice.

G ew ertz said the letter’s m essage is, “If this is h o w students are going to b e treated, screw them all.”

V ice-Principal A dm inistration a n d Finance Morty Yalovsky said that he becam e aw are o f the situation u p o n receiving the letter, at w hich point he spoke to G ew ertz a n d contacted Charade to follow u p o n it.

O n Saturday m orning, in a n e-mail addressed to Yalovsky a n d copied to stu­ d en ts involved a n d m em b ers o f the adm instration, including th e principal, C harade explained that h e rejected a re q u est by th e M uslim S tu d en ts’ Association because he thought it covered an extended period w hile the University Centre w as un d er renovation. H e revised his decision w h en he realized that the MSA’s request w as only for tw o days.

—Kim D Souza

Continued from cover “We can no longer perform our duties w ith confidence as our judgm ent has b e e n irrevocably discredited,” they said in their res­ ignation letter.

T he election officials said that the CRO had to investigate an accusation o f harassm ent in w hich the only w itnesses that could be found w ere n o t com pletely im par­ tial. The officials com pared ignor­ ing the com plaint to suggesting that a victim o f abuse w ould not have a legitim ate com plaint in a situation w here the victim a n d the accused w ere the only w itnesses.

T hey also said that given the situ­ ation, the CRO’s decision w as rea­ sonable.

“We rem ain firmly convinced that our unanim ous decision to disqualify Alam Alii from the SSMU presidential election w as

the correct o n e .”

W ith the Judicial B oard rec­ om m ending that a n ew election be held as soon as possible so as not to have an untrained president take office in the fall, SSMU coun­ cil vo ted Thursday to hold a sim­ ple re-vote for the presidential race, w ith n o additional cam ­ paigning. T he polling will b e held on-line starting to m o rro w a n d continuing through Sunday.

Council decided to appoint form er CRO Sarah Huggins to the position for the n ew polling peri­ od.

“T he re-vote w o n ’t w ork in favour o f any o f us,” said Saeed Fotuhi, o n e of the candidates.

“Voters a re n ’t really going to rem em ber any o f o u r cam paigns, w hat w e said, a n d all o f us will be negatively affected because w e aren ’t given a chance to cam ­ paign.”

Alii, w h o petitioned against the CRO’s decision, said that he w as pleased w ith the reversal.

“I will have to take the cen­ sure,” h e said, “but I feel that p e o ­ ple will go b e yond that a n d vote for w hat they w ant in a president.”

R hodes e x p re sse d confi­ d e n c e in th e SSMU judicial process.

“The recent turn o f events has allow ed the students to m ake use o f the judicial process out­ lined in their Society’s constitu­ tion,” she said. “T he J-Board has the authority to m ake interpretive decisions o n such electoral m at­ ters.”

T he fourth candidate, Willie H yndm an, could not b e reached for com m ent.

To refresh yourself on the presidential candidates'platforms, see the March 9 issue at w w w .m cgilltribune.com . ■

mM cG ill

NEW S ANALYSIS

Budgeting students CA SA and

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g o v e r n m e n t s p e n d in g

Max Shapiro Student g ro u p s re sp o n d e d w ith a m ixture o f indifference a n d dism ay to Paul M artin’s first federal b u d g e t as Prim e Minister, w h ich w as released last T uesday.

T he b u d g e t focused o n restoring th e confidence o f C anadians in the go v ern m en t follow ing recen t sp e n d ­ ing scandals, A long w ith m o n ey for health care, the m ilitary a n d various public health program s, th ere w as a m ajor em phasis o n post-secondary education. In addition to raising loan limits, the b u d g e t increased th e m ax­ im um a m o u n t o f d e b t reduction from $20,000 to $26,000 a n d introduced grants for students w ith disabilities a n d stu d en ts from low -incom e fami­ lies (see below ).

“T hese initiatives, a m o n g others in this budget, will h e lp to im prove access to all form s o f h igher ed u ca ­ tion a n d p ro m o te a culture o f learn­ ing th ro u g h o u t life,” said Finance M inister Ralph G oodale.

But praise w as anything b u t uni­ versal for the go v ern m en t’s plan.

T h o u g h addressing th e n e e d s o f lowin co m e C a n ad ian s w a s g en era lly a p p la u d ed , the C anadian Alliance o f Student A ssociations, a federal lobby g ro u p o f w h ich the Students’ Society is a m em ber, gave th e b u d g e t a letter

p rio ritie s

g rade o f “I” for incom plete.

Jam es Kusie, national director o f CASA, w a s highly critical o f th e b u d g ­ et.

“It’s like giving a poor, low incom e family a $400 grant to b u y a M ercedes a n d expectfing] th em to finance the rest o f th e car,” h e said.

“We n e e d to se e a n increase o f at least $4-billion annually to post-sec­ o n d a ry ed u catio n th ro u g h a dedicat­ ed tran sfer paym ent to th e provinces.”

CASA a lso re le a s e d figures claim ing that the average C anadian stu d e n t has faced triple-digit tuition increases over the p ast decade. O th er advocacy g ro u p s arg u ed th at the b u d g e t failed to ad d ress th e root p roblem o f chronic u n d e rfu n d in g for post-secondary institutions.

“W hat stu d en ts a n d their fam i­ lies really n e e d e d in this b u d g e t w a s fo r th e fe d era l g o v e rn m e n t to increase core funding o f post-sec­ on d ary edu catio n in ex ch an g e for the provinces agreeing to freeze a n d low er tuition fees,” said V ictor C atano o f th e C a n ad ian A ssociation o f University Teachers. “W hat th ey got instead w as a p rescription for m ore d e b t.” ■

To view a full copy of this year's budget, visit w w w .fin .g c .c a /b u d to ce/2004/budliste.htm

Education-related highlights of the federal budget included: • Increasing the maximum amount of debt reduction for slu dents facing financial difficulty from $20,000 to $26,000 • Increasing the ceiling for Canada Student Loans from $165 a week from $210

• Introducing an up front annual grant of up to $2,000 for post secondary students with disabilities » A new up liwnt gram ol S'UOu lor first-vear post setond.uy dependent students horn low intome families

(meet presents :

Hon. Justice Ian Binnie S u p re m e C o u rt o f C an ad a S carlet Key R e c ip ie n t - 1 9 5 9

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Today’s Legal and Political C View from the Be Since 1925, the Scarlet who have demonstrated unselfishness and persever contributions to the automatical!

y their outstanding extra-curricular mnity. All award recipients are K SB jtlijIi the Scarlet Key Society.

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W n e e to te - w o / f e w

Friday, April 2,2004 5 pm Moot Court New Chancellor Day Hall

W e lc o m e

4

News

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Finding apartments without fees Due to decreased demand for McGill Ghetto apartments, finder’s fees are becoming less common in the area, according to the Student Housing Office.

In previous years some tenants and landlords capitalized on the tight rental housing market by demanding that prospective tenants pay illegal charges, known as finder’s fees, of up to several thousand dollars in order to secure an apartment.

However, with the addition of the 600-bed New Residence Hall and guaranteed residence spaces for incoming students, demand for near­ by apartments dropped off this year, reducing the willingness of tenants to pay finder’s fees, said representatives of the SHO. “We’re feeling right now that there's not an apartment shortage and that probably the shortage that exist­ ed, if it ever existed for the last two years, is sort of over,” SHO clerk Tasha Nijjar said at an information session held Thursday.

“If you pay a finder’s fee now, the chances that you’re going to get it back in two years, when you move out of your apartment, is pretty slim,” she said. “People are already saying no, and... definitely not [paying them] as much as last year or the year before.”

She said landlords save apart­ ments for the traditional rush of firstyear students who do not get a resi­

dence room and have to search for apartments in August, but they did not see the expected rush this year.

“There’s been empty apartments in the Ghetto all year,” said SHO clerk Tafadzwa Sibundi. He recom­ mended that students walk away if asked to pay a finder’s fee since other apartments are available.

Nijjar estimated that finder’s fees range from $1,000 to $5,000 and include informal agreements where­ by the new tenants pay rent over the summer before moving in, while the old renters still live there.

“They come in all sorts of dif­ ferent forms. Sometimes, you’ll get into an apartment and people will be like, ‘Oh, I have this couch, and whoever is going to pay me the most for the couch gets the apartment,”’ she said.

The Régie du logement tends not to get involved in private con­ tracts and agreements, she explained, because it is difficult to prove having paid a finder’s fee as part of an infor­ mal sublet or agreement.

When Marit Mitchell, U1 Biology, moved out of residence last year, she and a roommate decided it was worth paying a $600 finder’s fee for an apartment on Rue Coloniale in the Plateau.

Having heard of “bidding wars" of up to $6,000, she felt a much smaller amount was reasonable when the previous tenants of the apartment she liked said a finder’s fee would influence their choice.

for students after al Jennifer Jett

BBSELECT.COM

“They said, ‘We have a lot of interest, so if you [pay] one, that would affect our decision,’” she said.

In exchange, the previous ten­ ants continued to live there over the summer, but Mitchell did not have to pay their full rent.

Mitchell is skeptical that the problem of finder’s fees will be solved anytime soon, although she said she will not charge one when she moves out.

No matter how many other apartments are available, she thinks there will always be students willing to pay finder’s fees for “prime loca­ tions and prime apartments” near campus. ■

Student representatives may have jumped the gun when they told students that clubs can use the kitchen in the second-floor cafeteria in the Shatner building.

At the Students’ Society elec­ tion debate and again at the recent clubs conference, it was suggested that SSMU’s contract with Tiki Ming, which runs the cafeteria, implies that students can ask for permission to use the kitchen 24 hours in advance.

“I’m not a lawyer, [but] the way I interpreted the clause, I interpreted w e can use it,” said incoming SSMU Vice-President Operations Anthony Di Carlo, who discussed the issue in his cam­ paign. “The clause itself says that w e’re allowed to use what belongs to us.”

According to SSMU General Manager Pauline Gervais, SSMU attorney Jon Feldman has said that

what you’re saying.”

Clubs Representative Roberto Caluori confirmed that the kitchen is not available for student use.

“The lawyer said that the facilities [students are allowed to use] refers to the tables, the chairs [and] the cafeteria itself, which oddly enough belongs to us,” he said.

Nonetheless, Caluori said, the contract should have been reviewed earlier this year.

“The people in charge of it should have brought it up earlier, at least for discussion,” he said.

“There have been problems that Midnight Kitchen has been having.

I’m sure we could have worked them out amicably and worked out some alternatives.”

This year the Midnight Kitchen, which serves free vegan meals to students twice a week, has struggled to find cooking space. The kitchen provided for the service in the Shatner renova-

e le c tio n s

mcgill

VOTE FOR SSMU PRESIDENT Pursuant to the decision of the SSMU Judicial Board rendered March 23 , 2004 , the results of the presidential election held March 12th to March 17th will be destroyed and a NEW POLLING PERIOD w ill be held.

Voting will take place ONLINE ONLY from 9 am Wednesday March 31 to 11:59 pm Sunday April 4 at

https://ovs.ssmu.mcgill.ca/ The candidates who w ill appear on the ballot are: A LA M A L U

W I L U E HYN DM AN

S A E E D F0 T U H I

Cooking in a McGill cafeteria is a student-free experience. the contract does not provide for student use of the kitchen.

“After having verified with Jon Feldman (our corporate lawyer), we cannot use the prem­ ises of our tenants. According to the contract... the Tiki Ming peo­ ple have all the rights to say no to us,” Gervais wrote in an e-mail to Di Carlo.

Current SSMU Vice-President Operations Rodrigo DeCastro had been criticized for not making stu­ dents aware of the possibility of using Tiki Ming’s kitchen, after Di Carlo and others said that students could do so.

“I think the lesson here is, leave the interpretation of con­ tracts to lawyers,” DeCastro said.

“You have to be more aware of

K A T E R H O D ES

Questions: please contact the CR0 at sarah.huggins@mail.mcgill.ca P U B L IC C E N S U R E

Pursuant to the decision of the SSMU Judicial Board rendered March 23,2004, the Chief Returning Officer hereby publicly censures MR. ALAM ALII for using the Science Undergraduate Society office to aid his campaign and for sending unsolicited e-mails (violations of articles 15.2 and 15.8.5 of Bylaw 1-1).

T e a c h E n g lis h O v e r s e a s

T E S O L workshop for Canadians

Student Special Montreal April, 2004 1-866-912-4465 One day and you’re on your way!

w w w .goteach.ca

tion plans was not completed as scheduled in September.

As the oft-delayed student kitchen should be completed by this fall, students will no longer have any need to use the Tiki Ming kitchen. However, review of the contract is ongoing, said Di Carlo, who is the current SSMU treasurer.

“It’s not something that’s real­ ly clear-cut,” he said. “[The restau­ rants] are our tenants, and we have to respect that, but there’s always room for discussion.

There’s always agreements that can be made.”

Even if SSMU had to pay for students to use the kitchen this year, Di Carlo said, it was an option that should have been con­ sidered. Di Carlo said that Feldman, who drew up the origi­ nal contract, should have been consulted about the interpretation of the contract as the needs of stu­ dents using the building have changed.

“In the end, all I wanted was to show that there are other ways to look at things,” he said. “I just wanted to bring to light that more could have l>een done to resolve this issue.” ■

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

5

Campus NEWS

World NEWS

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The results are in: Campaigning costs money— but howmuch?

Believing in Colombia P e d r o M e d in a d is c u s s e s h is h o m e c o u n tr y

James Cotow iec

Kevin Afshari Colom bia has high potential for d e v elo p m en t, according to P edro Medina, a n en trep ren eu r a n d n o n ­ profit organizer w h o visited McGill on Thursday. A Harvard graduate w ho brought the first M cD onald’s restuarant to Colombia, Medina addressed stu­ dents to help dispell som e widelyheld m isconceptions.

“T here are m any m ixed im ages of w hat Colom bia is like,” said Medina.

“Most think about w hat they see o n the new s— the warfare, the drugs, and the crim e.”

A lthough h e acknow ledges the m any problem s in his country, Medina discussed several of C olom bia’s com ­ m only overlooked strengths. H e cited the country’s rich culture, pointing to author a n d N obel Prize w in n er Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

“We have h a d 70 years o f steady econom ic grow th, w ith only o n e eco­ nom ic collapse in 1999,” said Medina, noting C olom bia’s stable econom y as well as its position as the oldest dem ocracy in Latin America.

D espite Colom bia’s strengths, the grim reality o f the drug trade and national corruption still exists. Medina explored these problem s, saying that Colombia produces 80 p er cent o f the w orld’s cocaine.

M edina said that the country’s

:

News

natural resources are creating o p p o rtu ­ nities in biodiversity, biotechnology and ecotourism . T here have also been serious anti-corruption m ovem ents at the grassroots level as well as a topdo w n approach o n the part o f the fed­ eral governm ent. As a result, Colombia, once considered the third m ost corrupt nation in the w orld, is no w ranked 74th.

M edina stressed the im portance o f the role o f the develo p ed w orld in Colom bia’s growth.

“T he develo p ed w orld n eed s to take cooperative initiatives rather than th e p aternalistic a p p ro a c h in Colom bia,” he said.

M edina addressed the crisis of credibility in governm ent as w ell as explaining h o w governm ent a n d phil­ anthropic efforts ten d to fall short in Colom bia. T he sp e a k e r called for social entrepreneurship as a chance for a positive change in his hom eland. His non-profit organization, Yo Creo en Colombia, is o n e of these positive changes, h e said. Carolina Torres, one o f the organizers o f the talk, said that she thought the depiction of Colombia w as accurate.

“I h o p e that peo p le change the w ay they’re negatively thinking about Colom bia,” said Torres, “a n d that they start to think that th ey are part o f a change.” ■

| I

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„

This year’s Students’ Society election is over and the candidates’ e x p en se reports are filed. W hile m ost w ere h ap p y w ith the limit on their budgets, som e w o u ld like to se e the c am p aig n restrictions changed.

SSMU election bylaw s allow all candidates for executive posi­ tions to sp e n d u p to $150 o n their cam paigns. If th ey receive m ore th an 10 p e r cen t o f the vote in the election, they can ap p ly to SSMU for reim bursem ent.

Most of the candidates c o n ­ tacted by the T ribune h a d final budgets just u n d e r the cam paign­ sp e n d in g limit. Presidential c o n ­ ten d er Saeed Fotuhi w as o n the low e n d , sp e n d in g $120 o n posters, handbills, videos a n d cam paign b u t­ tons, w hile vice-president clubs and services candidates Sam een Shahid a n d A m anda Ens to p p e d the list, each spending $148.

T here w as w id esp read co n sen ­ sus that the current cam paign limit w as m ore th an adequate. “$150 is pretty fair for getting y our nam e out th ere,” said VicePresident Clubs a n d Services-elect Shahid.

P residential c an d id a te Kate R hodes agreed.

“A $150 ballpark is reason­ a b le ... P eople have run effective cam paigns o n not a lot o f m oney,” she said, adding that the spending cap levels the playing field for can­ didates.

SSMU e x ec u tiv e c o n te n d e rs h a d to subm it all their receipts to Elections McGill after the results w ere a n n o u n ce d M arch 17, w hich pro v ed to b e a problem for som e.

“I d idn’t subm it all m y cam ­ paign receipts because I co u ld n ’t fin d [all of] th e m ,” said VicePresident-elect C om m unications and

Events Mark Sward, w h o reported spending $133 o n his w inning bid.

A nthony Di Carlo, vice-presi­ dent-elect operations, w as satisfied w ith the spending limit, but n o t w ith som e o f the cam paign regulations.

“I w ould love to see m ore [cam paigning] o n the W eb,” h e said, pointing out that plastering the cam ­ p u s w ith posters w as not environ­ m entally friendly, leads to clutter a n d can b e expensive.

C andidates devoted the m ajori­ ty o f their budgets to posters, h a n d ­ bills a n d tape. Som e also spent m oney o n videos, T-shirts, banners a n d cam paign buttons. ■

' ,

Sp00U An investigation found that 57 per cent of Chicken Tikka Masala dishes tested had ille­ gal and potentially harmful levels of chemicals used to give the curry its trademark colour. The chemicals are known to cause health problems like hyperactivity in children, allergies and asthma if con­ sumed in excessive quantities • Santa Fe is consider­ ing requiring doggie seat belts. A major rewrite of the city's animal control ordinance proposes that Santa Fe dogs be buckled up w hen riding in trucks and other vehicles w McGill has increased international tuition once again, by about $1,800 CDN • Skiers from six nations sw apped their ski gear for g-strings in Austria's first nude skiing competition. Organizers said they were delighted after 84 skiiers braved temperatures of -2C to com pete in the first Nude Ski Race • A prenuptial contract can't be set aside simply because one spouse thought it was unfair when he or she signed it, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled Friday • Minimum-wage workers in 2003 tended to be teenagers or young adults with lower levels of educa­ tion in service-sector jobs, employed part time with short job tenure, says Statistics Canada • A new law banning men from having unkempt hair has been passed in Turkmenistan. President Saparmurat Niyazov announced that long hair, beards and moustaches will no longer be allowed • Over reading week the office of the SSMU president Kate Rhodes was broken into and ran­ sacked. The only thing found to be taken was a black binder full of confidential documents that Miss Katherine deemed to be not essential.

Security theorizes that a missing master key was the way the ne’er-do-wells gained access to the office. ■

Dear Colleagues, The current term of Dean John Gruzleski, Faculty of Engineering, will come to an end on May 31, 2004. Therefore, and in accordance with the Statutes of the University, an Advisory Committee has been struck to advise the Principal on the selection of a Dean of the Faculty of Engineering. The composition of the Committee, which I chair, is as follows: Senate Representatives: Professor Suha Jabaji-Hare Professor Robert Kearney Professor Brace Lennox Professor Kaleem Siddiqi

Faculty Representatives: Professor David Brown Professor David Frost Professor Frank Galiana Professor Michael Paidoussis

Board of Governors Representatives Mr. Jan Peeters Mr. Robert Winsor

PGSS Representative: Mr. Sandro Nalli

SSMU Representatives: Mr. Philip Carpenter Mr. Nafay Choudhury

Secretary: Mrs. Mary Shaw

Given that the current Dean has indicated that he is not seeking renewal, I now invite any interested person to apply for, or to submit in writing, the names of possible candidates for the position of Dean of the Faculty of Engineering. These applications or nominations will be more useful if accompanied by a detailed curriculum vitae. I would also like to invite any general comments that you believe are important for the Committee to consider in its deliberation. All correspondence will be treated seriously and in the strictest confidence.

Responses to this letter should beforwarded to Dr. Dan Birch, the consultant assisting the Advisory Committee in its search, by email or in writing, to: Janet Wright & Associates Inc., 21 Bedford Road, Suite 300, Toronto ON M5R 2J9 (e-mail: mcgillengr@jwasearcb.com).

Cordially, Luc Vinet

6

News

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Turnitin.com, round two Jennifer Jett A second McGill student, hav­ ing challenged the use of plagia­ rism-detection Web site turnitin.com in one of her classes, may be filing a formal grievance against the uni­ versity.

Denise Brunsdon, U1 Economics and Political Science, and Daily news editor refused to submit an essay outline for History of the International Political Economy Since 1914 that was due February 9- She said her objections to turnitin.com are a matter of per­ sonal principle.

“I’m very protective of my intel­ lectual property,” she said. “I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of my work being seen by anyone other than the professor and myself, let alone being put in a giant database.”

Last semester Jesse Rosenfeld, U1 International Development Studies and Women’s Studies, received fail­ ing grades on assignments for an economics class after refusing to submit them to turnitin.com. In January he won his appeal against the university, which finally graded his assignments.

The university’s trial use of turnitin.com has drawn fire from stu­ dents concerned about protecting their intellectual property and being presumed guilty before proven innocent. Students attended a uni­ versity senate meeting on March 17 to protest a proposed anti-plagia­ rism policy, lining the gallery with placards saying, “My degree is not guilty” and “Turn it in? Throw it out!”

The policy was then referred back to the Committee on Student Affairs.

At a meeting of the CSA on Wednesday, members decided to send the policy back to the Academic Integrity Sub-committee, where it will be overhauled.

Students will be allowed to submit their recommendations.

Brunsdon, has also refused to submit an essay due tomorrow that is worth 45 per cent of her grade.

The reasons Professor Mary MacKinnon gave for using the soft­ ware, Brunsdon said, included a reluctance to create new assign­ ments for a course she has put a

mean my rights should be infringed upon.”

At a March 22 meeting with Associate Dean of Arts Enrica Quaroni, Brunsdon said she was told that since an exception was made for Rosenfeld, a similar deci­ sion might be made in her case.

“She said it would most likely be possible to do the same thing,” she said.

On Wednesday Quaroni’s sec­ retary informed Brunsdon that no exception would be made, and that her work will not be graded unless it is submitted to turnitin.com.

Quaroni declined to comment.

I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of my work being seen by anyone other than the professor and myself, let alone being put in a giant database.

Denise Brunsdon U1 Economics and Political Science great amount of effort into redesigning.

“When I initially went to meet with her during her office hours,” Brunsdon said, “she implied that her reasoning behind using the service was not to imply that I would cheat off someone, but that students tak­ ing the course in following years would cheat off me.”

MacKinnon declined to com­ ment.

“She has a great syllabus, and she clearly has put a lot of work into it," Brunsdon said, “but just because she doesn’t want to come up with new curriculum material does not

C o n g r a t u la t io n s t o

Unsure of who else she can approach, Brunsdon said she plans to speak to Ombudsperson Norman Miller for a second time.

“Unless that proves useful, I will probably have to go through the official formal complaint process,” she said.

Brunsdon said she recognizes the need for anti-plagiarism intiatives.

“I think my proposed options are viable alternatives,” she said. “If I’m willing to put in the effort, I think I should be rewarded for my initiative.” ■

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S in c e 1 9 2 5 , th e S carle t Key h a s b e e n a w a rd e d t o in d iv id g o e s a b o v e a n d b e y o n d th e ca ll o f d u ty , a r e c o m m itl M cG ill c o m m u n ity , a n d in s p ire p a s s io n a n d créai T y re n n y A n d e rs o n F ra n c is " C h i p 1' A rn a ld o J o d e n e B accus L a u rie B a rk u n J e n n ife r Bilec A n d re w B ryan V iv ian C h o y B ru ce H ick s M a tth e w H o w a tt

E v an L ew is K a th le e n M o rris o n C a th e r in e M o tu z S a n je e v N a th J u stin P h ills H a rs h a R a ja m a n i L o u is -C h a rle s Roy G ra e m e T h o m a s J o s h u a V o rs te n b o sc h

Fw a K rajw sk a D e n is L ebel

Ju lie W eill

Sevag Yeghoyan (Honorary Key)

D e ta ile d in f o r m a tio n a b o u t c u r r e n t a n d p a s t w in n e r s m ay b e fo u n d at

www.mcgill.ca/scarletkey/alumni/previous

ANALYSIS

Conservatives picktheir leader, preparefor battle David M. Nataf C anada’s Conservatives party m em bers w e n t to the polls on March 20 a n d elected Stephen H arper to lead the n ew party into the next federal election.

“I tell you tonight that as a party w e are heirs to the founders o f this country a n d to [their] legacy o f electoral success,” said Harper.

Harper came in first with 56 per cent of the votes, thanks to strong showings in British Columbia, the prairie provinces and Ontario.

Delivering his victory speech at th e p arty ’s conv en tio n in Toronto, H arper w arn ed the party o f com ing Liberal attacks, and sought to strike a conciliatory tone to encourage party unity.

“The tired, old corrupt Liberal party is cornered like an angry rat.

T hey are going to attack us like never before,” h e said. “T hey will attem pt to divide us regionally, they will attem pt to divide us o n issues. They will do this because

McGill

history

pro fesso r

D esm ond M orton argued that the C onservative p a rty ’s electoral prospects m ay b e out o f its hands.

“Mr. H a rp er’s c h an ces are tightly related to [Prime Minister Paul] M artin’s perform ance b etw een now and the election, since there is a dictum that govern­ m ents defeat them selves rather than oppositions electing them ­ selves," he said. “O bviously Mr. H arper could broaden his influ­ en ce b y cultivating a sense of hum our, a n d his party sh o u ld m ove as firmly as it dares into the m ainstream .”

M orton add ed that he person­ ally objects to m ost Conservative policies, “from scrapping the CBC to privatizing th o se p arts o f m edicare that affect richer voters. I have b e e n know n to call the new CPC the new Republican Party of C anada.”

M em bers o f C onservative McGill are content w ith the results.

“We pretty m uch all agree that it’s goo d ,” said President M atthew

“The tired, old corrupt Liberal party is cor­ nered like an angry rat They are going to attack us like never before.”

—Stephen Harper Conservative Party Leader this is the only w ay they can sur­ vive.”

H arper a ppealed to a faction o f the party m any com m entators have argued m ay be left out o f the m erger betw een the Progressive Conservatives a n d the Canadian Alliance.

“We n e ed the red Tory vision o f im portant national institutions a n d sustainable social program s,” he said, “because the Conservative party will never leave the vulnera­ ble b ehind.”

H arper also called for a con­ tinued strong voice for the other m ain factions o f the party: eco­ nom ic conservatives, social conser­ vatives a n d dem ocratic reformers.

O n the latter, he sp o k e o f the n eed for “a governm ent responsible to th e p e o p le , n o t a governm ent responsible to the [prime minister’s office].”

S tephanie C hipeur, U1 Political Science, described H arper’s speech as conciliatory.

“I think it’s ab o u t tim e a future prim e minister talked about uniting the country [rather] than dividing it,” she said. “O ne thing I noticed is the incredible am ount o f conserva­ tives th ere are in C anada— it seem ed like a ‘com ing o u t’ event in m any w ays for conservatives that did not feel com fortable to d o so before.”

Kenny. “W e’ve also s e e n that [Harper has] reached o u t to red Tories.”

O n e o f the challenging tasks the Conservative party will have to face should Martin call a spring election will be the fact that it has not had the time to form ulate new policies. A visit to the official Web site yields a “Conservative Party of Canada Partial Policy Statem ent.” It is a brief list o f policies that the interim council w as w illing to adopt. The statem ent calls for the establishm ent o f a registry o f sex offenders, the appointm ent o f an independent ethics com m issioner a n d the adoption o f endangered species legislation.

D espite claiming during the leadership race that his policies w ere in the advanced stages of developm ent, H arper’s platform s have not yet b e en released. His stance o n issues such as taxes, fam ­ ily law and foreign policy rem ain to b e seen. ■

David M. Natafis a member of the Conservative Party of Canada.

• • • 03 O

For m ore information, visit www.conservative.ca 1

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

News

7

...No one sees me. I am practically invisible. I am hidden deep in the bouuels...

L A S E R

V IS IO N

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R e s u lts The large majority of our patients achieve 20/20 vision.

Imbibing wit Headlines we wish we had ere at the T rib u n e w e have m uch fun thinking u p tongue-tw ist­ ing, alliterating, slightly scatological titles for stories. We have so m uch fun that this y ear w e m ade u p a list o f titles in advance.

So here, in n o particular order, are the headlines w e w aited for w ith b a te d b reath but n ev er got to use. Enjoy!

H

Election goes off w ithout a hitch SSMU councillors sh u t up, b e h av e like adults Executives vote to elim inate position o f president Zell adm its responsibility, w orld shocked CASA kicks SSMU out, says SSMU is getting u ppity D aycare n e ed s funds; H ave u n p ro tec te d sex, says Shore Zell a n d D eC astro’s love child fo und w orking for D a ily R hodes se e n drinking, claim s ‘not com petitive’ R osenfeld hired as PR director o f turnitin.com D eCastro to a p ea r in toothpaste com m ercial C hartw ells takes over so u p kitchen, raises prices — C o m p iled b y th e Tribune n e w s te a m

Newsie NEWS News writers accused of being creative and efficient Tribune Staff At a re ce n t n ew s e ditor sum m it, T ribune ed ito rs K atherine Fugler, Kim D ’Souza a n d Jennifer Jett real­ ized that they co u ld n ’t h ave p u t out 26 new s sections w ithout all the help they received from their writers.

“W ithout o u r w riters, I d o n ’t th in k w e c o u ld h av e b e e n as inform ed, as enthusiastic a n d as in tre p id a s w e w e re ,” Fugler exclaim ed.

Jett e c h o e d h e r sentim ents.

“I am so h a p p y w ith the dedi-

Pierre Demers, MD Ophthalmologist 13,000 surgeries

fv i Wallerstejn, MD I j

Ophthalmologist 20,000 surgeries

Our fee covers: pre-procedure exam inations, laser treatment and follow -up.

cation sh o w n this year,” sh e pontifi­ cated. “T he p a p ers w e have p ro ­ d u c ed are a testam ent to their keen new s se n se .”

D ’Souza, in b etw ee n bites of chocolate ch ip cookies left over from d o z en s o f new s m eetings, m um bled, “M m-hmm. M m -hm m ...”

P r ic e s s ta r tin g a t per

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M o n tr é a l • O t t a w a • T o ro n to • M i s s i s s a u g a • N ia g a r a F a lls • C a lg a r y w m

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After bein g h a n d ed a glass o f milk, h e solem nly intoned, “I w as b lo w n aw ay by th eir talent, a n d I really ap preciate their com m itm ent to excellence.”

As they all sto o d u p arm in arm, they c hanted th e nam es o f their faithful newsies:

.. ; .

C hristopher M oore» Laura Saba • D any H orovitz . • C hristina H eyding • L auren C onsky • Farah Q asem i • G unita Singh • H élene Pierre • Sidonie Penicaud • Sam

Speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil-print everything else.

Jennifer Jett Tribune News Editor

Ophthalmologist 20,000 surgeries

ASEQ SPECIAL

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G offm an • T hom as B ouchard • David M. N ataf • K athleen Brow n • M ax Shapiro • Sarah D olgoy • Hilary H ove • Jo sh W ilner • Lisa Varano • Christine C ullen • Robert C hurch • A islinn O ’K eefe • H eather H aq L aw rence • Miriam Martz • Sofia G uay • A m anda G reenm an • N uran K endiroglu • Emily Harris • Jam es G otow iec • Sepand Tehrani • Sarah M oroz • Kevin Afshari

C ongratulations to next

Ï 'e a r's new s ed ito rs: Jennifer e tt, Laura S aba a n d Lisa V arano. M ay you en jo y th e insanity as m uch as w e nave!

...the Shatner building, monitoring a bank ol cameras, ready to alert...

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I am so happy with the dedication shown this year. The papers we have produced are a testament to their keen news sense.

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8 Op/Ed

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

i t o r i a l

SSMU protects McGill's soul now I am appalled and disgusted by the Students’ Society representatives as of late. The behaviour of all our student leaders is disgusting. • First, addressing the Kimberley Zell issue. I am absolutely infuriated by the actions of John Bowden and Michael Wozny, who have accused Zell of “blun­ ders and failures.” Are you all in pre-school or something? Zell is an elected leader, and that means that people have faith in her leadership skills, regardless of how Bowden and Wozny might feel. Furthermore, missing a few meetings is not a crime—respect must be given to the personal lives of leaders. As such, Zell’s course load is not a debate that should be presented to compromise her position.

I would also like to address the issue of Rhodes and her scuffle with Alam Alii—you two should be ashamed of yourselves. Running for president is an honour, regardless of a win or à loss. Again, how old are you two? Can you please refrain from degrading remarks that jeopardize the integrity of SSMU? As a non-voter at McGill, I am again reinforced with the notion that McGill politics is just another gossip column. Why vote, when all anyone ever does is squabble? I, for one, will abstain from voting until I can see that we are a united front—something that SSMU should be in the first place.

— Chrissy Chiu U2 Anthropology Editor’s note: Wozny read statements in support of Zell at a recent SSMU council meeting.

Onestereotypefor snothcr?

I was rather surprised when reading the March 23 article “The changing face of racism” to find a claim that “immigrants do not steal jobs; in fact, blacks are more likely to be unemployed than other citizens, and those who do have jobs generally earn 30 per cent less than the aver­ age.” So great, the stereotype that immigrants steal jobs is wrong, but that they are a social burden is true? Not that I’m saying that. Just that somebody on the editorial board should think a bit more before publish­ ing features.

— Eric van Eyken U2 Political Science and Economics

“...Why don’t we mandate compulsory drug testing... for all such officials...”

Because then they would have to stop the drug war. You see, the rich and connect­ ed aren’t held to the same standard as the rest of the citizens.

They expect to refrain from drug use but they refuse to take drug tests themselves.

The whole drug war is a farce and the public is falling for it.

Flow many more years are we going to allow this insanity to continue? All at the expense of taxpayers and society as a whole.

Another 80 years?

Exactly who is being protected? Exactly what good has our drug war done? What damage has it done and does it continue to do??

Prohibition is destroying our nations and the world.

Enough is enough.

Just SAY NO! — Scott Russ Baton Rouge, LA

T H E M c G I L L T jR J J B U N E

is an editorially autonomous newspaper published by the Students' Society of McGill University

News Editors

Sports Editors

Layout Editor

James Scarfone Andrew Segal

Tomoko "The enforcer" Shida

D eputy Editor

Kim D'Souza Katherine Fugler Jennifer Jett

Sarah Wright

Photo Editors Features Editors

Advertising and Marketing Manager

Editor -In -C hief

Mark Kerr

Production M anager

Natalie Fletcher

Now I find myself sitting next to Martin Doe, ex-SSMU president and current BoG rep, inside the SSMU office, next to Kate Rhodes’ door. I have committed the cardinal sin of the impartial observer: I am an ex-journalist who has turned to politics.

I guess I’ve been at McGill too long. I know—after nearly half a decade of writing about campus life—that most students don’t need to care about the intrigue of the court of SSMU. It is, in the final calculation, pretty mean­ ingless.

But this month, as an election was overturned because one candidate was allegedly called overzealous for reporting another candidates blatant and persistent campaign bylaw violations, ignorance has turned to anger. And it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

The administration seems willing—and I mean to be serious and not melodramatic—to sell McGill’s soul. Our principal has loaded her bookshelf with titles like Innovative Synergizing in Institutions and Institutionalizing Synergy with Innovation, and SSMU has a bit over a year to negotiate its let­ ter of agreement. This is not the time for us to lose confidence in student government.

But elections imbroglio aside, I’m not surprised that students this year are so disillusioned. SSMU has failed to communicate how good it is.

Internal and external communications have been so bad that reporters depend on hearsay and leaks more than real documents and press releases.

Student politicians more often than not fail to explain that a letter of agree­ ment affects most of student-run life on campus and that the Board of Governors threatens to transform McGill students from partners into clients.

There’s still a lot for us to be proud of. Because McGill has so strong a student union, we forget that SSMU’s independence was a hard-won victory against an administration that wanted to control all student life on campus.

We forget that SSMU is among the strongest student unions on the conti­ nent in terms of its diversity of services, its representation within the univer­ sity, and its influence with the provincial and federal governments.

Most of what happens outside the classroom on campus—parties, aca­ demic enrichment, social justice, student representation—happens because SSMU has the students’ money, the mandate and the accreditation of the stu­ dents; it happens because SSMU is respected by the administration. Perhaps SSMU doesn’t do as much as some of us think it ought to— it doesn’t take stands on divisive issues and it seldom occupies the principal’s office any­ more—but SSMU helps students make things happen. SSMU fights more than most students realize: SSMU fights to maintain its students’ position as the conscience of McGill.

University education teaches us not to be passive consumers, but that is exactly how the administration would like us to behave while we are here.

But as long as student politicians continue to embody fairness, integrity and inquiry, as long as they celebrate their achievements and admit their mis­ takes, they will demonstrate to the McGill administration that the conscience that we cultivated here will stay here. After all, the students will always be the reason for a university, and they will always be here. It is my hope, as I leave here, that McGill and SSMU will always be guided by the conscience which SSMU has defended for over 100 years.

Finally, I must express my affection for a younger—but no less valu­ able—McGill institution: the masthead of the McGill Tribune, under which I began to write when the first two digits of my student number added up to 17. The Tribune to me is more than a newspaper; it was my master, my tutor, my lover and my nurse. Thank you. Now title me, initial me, zip me and put me to bed...

Faithfully yours, —-James Grohsgal U3 Political Science

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The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

O p i n i o n

Op/Ed

9

E d i t o r i a l

EDI TORI AL Ah, to be SSMU president President for a day, president for a year. The Tribune staff may not be able to implement the changes they would like see happen, but that's the beauty of the editorial page—we can talk about what we would do.

It'snotaboutwhoyouare

He had to resign, we wouldn't do what he did.

The root of the word leader is lead—something a person with that title does not always do. It is hard to pinpoint the moment when a person who takes charge of an organ­ ization loses focus on those whom they affect most. Politicking puts our leaders behind closed doors, where their abilities to stay in contact with the common person regress.

Hence, I think that my first task as Students’ Society president would be to revive for­ mer SSMU presidential candidate Willie Christensens platform idea to change the soci­ ety’s name to the “Super Society of McGill University.”

Go ahead and laugh all you want, but I think Christensen was onto something.

Here at McGill, we all aspire to earn our degrees, move out, become professionals and go on. But what difference does being a leader make when the people for whom you work are apathetic? “Super society president” might not be the most professionally-sounding job title on a resume but politics is not about what you are; it is about what you do.

-Spe

■Ross

It'sjusttooimportant The first thing I would do is lobby to lower tuition for every student. I would help cut class sizes in half. I would ensure greater accountability and transparency (sorry to steal your line, Alam) from the administration and the Students’ Society.

I would get to know you and represent only what you want out of your universi­ ty education. I would insist on frequent updates on the SSMU Web site to guar­ antee all 12 of you who visit it are informed on all the extremely important deci­ sions I make.

“But wait,” you say. “These goals are completely unrealistic, and you could never dream of accomplishing them in a 12-month term.” To that I say, “Fear not, concerned average student. I am the president of the Students’ Society and I have so much power, can affect so much change and am so important that no aim is too high. Besides, all my ideas are completely original and fresh. Since no one has ever tried to accomplish these goals, you simply don’t know that they are unattainable.”

Freefoodandtoiletpaper

— Sarah Wright

Havetogetourdrinkon

I would replace one-ply toilet paper with two-ply toilet paper in all McGill buildings, including all of the residences. Popular Music since 1945 and Children’s Literature would be required courses for students in all faculties. And finally, I would get Chartwells to pro­ vide unlimited coffee and muffins for all students every Monday morning.

— Nicole Leaver

N e U ) S e rv ic e f o r S tu d e n ts First president Really, can anyone of us talk intelligently about 1776?

in t h e

In a word, Gert’s. Our campus bar could reflect the city we live in or the history of the campus. Just imagine a place that told the story of generations of Engineering pranks or Arts capers. Hell, it could even be a adorned with student art where toasted freshmen talked politics over pastis and St. Ambroise.

But no. Instead, SSMU continues to whore every square foot of the bar to the dark lords of Molson.

It’s true that running campus bars is no picnic. High over­ head and rapid turnover in staff and management makes Gert’s a risky business proposition. That’s still no excuse for treating the place as no more than a means to build brand loyalty for skanky beer. Gert’s is a natural nexus of McGill student culture; it shouldn’t be forced to resemble a generic airport bar.

Next year’s SSMU president should liberate our pub.

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In hindsight, saying what I would have done if I was one of the presidents of SSMU this year is an easy, easy thing. As Naeem Datoo, I would have told my executives to go shove it. As Kate Rhodes, I would have buried myself in paper work and read every single contract or insurance agreement that SSMU had.

What would I have done differently had I been pres­ ident is entirely different story. I would have encouraged the executive and councillors to be more civil to each other and to meet before council meetings to discuss the week’s motions. I would have permanently installed a cof­ fee machine in the Lev Bukhman Room. I would have told Morty and Bruce that students are a force to be reck­ oned with and then made it my mandate to never let them forget it.

Oh, and I would have Feng Shui-ed the entire SSMU office.

— Katherine Fugler

He's president, would you do what he does?

10

Op/Ed

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

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I’m quite perplexed at the current situation that finds Alam Alii looking like the victim. The Judicial Board let Alii off on a technicality. The J-Board did not say that Alii did not commit the infractions. They indicated that the CRO did not conduct a ‘thorough’ investigation.

Anyone who looks beyond the rumours can quickly see that Alii ‘the victim’ is really Alii ‘the cheater.’ He used his position within SUS to gain an unfair advan­ tage over his competitors, his campaign expenditures exceeded the limit (not to mention that the expense report that he submitted did not conform with the elec­ toral rules), and one of his campaign slogans was slanderous at worst, and a thinly veiled assault on another candidate at best.

Alii doesn’t deny all of these allegations; instead he claims that he didn’t have enough warning from the CRO to bring his campaign into conformity with the rules. Is this the kind of person we want as our president, someone who claims ignorance of the rules as an explanation for bad decisions? The point is that Alii should have known the rules; he did not. He has thus proven that he is not presi­ dential material.

— Simon W. Bessette U2 Political Science

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Talking on eggshells choolmarmish-types, the thin-skinned, and harrumphers beware. What follows is rife with cuss words. I dedicate my last column of the year to scatology—the branch of medical science dealing with diagnosis by means of the feces, but also profane literature. Parting is such sweet fucking sorrow.

The Janet Jackson tit flap has awakened some sleeping tyrants. In the great land to our south, her stunt has inflamed some sensitivities.

The FCC is on the prowl. Broadcast delays abound. All this fuss over half a bust. It’s a parody, but a telling one.

Jackson revealed more of America on Super Bowl Sunday than she did of herself. The overreaction to the peek-a-boob incident, which somehow turned into a war on profanity, surfaced some latent anxiety in that country. Two weeks after 9/11 Americans were warned by Bush Press Secretary Ari Fleischer to “watch what they say”—this after Bill Maher made a disparaging crack about America’s pursuit of Al-Qaeda and Politically Incorrect was cancelled soon thereafter.

S

Some o f you may rem em ber Bono’s “fucking brilliant” com m ent at last year’s G olden G lobe Awards. T h e F C C has now reopened that case.

Asked by Frank R ich for his reaction, the U 2 lead singer struck an insightful chord: “For me, it is preposterous to have good, conservative people w hom I like and respect taking on an expletive while the right to pack heavy am m o goes by. It says som ething eloquent, if n o t pretty, about w here we are.”

Congress has devised a Clean Airwaves Act that, by its own legisla­ tion, could not be read on the air. The purpose of H.R. 3687 is to “pro­ vide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts.” Unsure as to what ‘profane’ means? Well, Congress has diagnosed the problem, but they had to pick through the poop to do it: “[TJhe term ‘profane,’ used with respect to language, includes the words ‘shit,’ ‘piss,’ ‘fuck,’ ‘cunt,’ ‘asshole,’ and the phrases ‘cock sucker,’ ‘mother fucker,’ and ‘ass hole,’ compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phras­ es (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle and infinitive forms).”

I am reminded of George Orwell’s 1946 essay “Politics and the English Language.” “[TJhe decline of language,” he writes, “must ultimately have polit­ ical and economic causes.”

Maybe that is a stretch; I don’t know. What I do know is that there is no shortage of political and economic issues in the US—the war on terror, illusory WMD, a presidential election, gay marriage, the occupa­ tion of Iraq and Afghanistan and a budget deficit the size of Star Jones.

These issues make for a hypersensitive environment in which saying the right thing (or not saying the wrong thing) is more important than doing the right thing.

Take US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s opinion piece in the New York Times last week, just prior to the one-year anniversary of the beginning of hostilities in Iraq. He used words like rightness, good, light and freedom. Penned by Rumsfeld, however, these lofty-sounding words are as scatological as those in the Clean Airwaves Act. “Political language,” writes Orwell, “is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” Has anyone seen any weapons of mass destruction-related program activities lately? What a great steaming pile of verbal humbug.

Like Orwell, comedian George Carlin has noted that controlling language is a way to control thought. Since we think in language, the quality of our thoughts can only be as good as the quality of our lan­ guage.

Fuck is a quality word. As an mp3 on my computer proclaims, it can be used to describe myriad situations. Fraud: I got fucked.

Defeatism: Ah, fuck it. Perturbation: I’m really fucked now. Warning: Don’t fuck with me, buddy. Difficulty: I don’t understand this fucking question. Inquiry: Who the fuck was that? Discontent: I don’t like what the fuck is going on here. Incompetence: He’s a fuck-off. Dismissal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself? It is con­ sidered a bad word because it has a great potential to meaningfully con­ vey bad intentions. That does not make it a bad word. Such expressive power should not be censored.

Stay tuned until next year, when, if all goes according to plan, I will once again be writing and the Tribune will have washed my keyboard out with soap. Thanks for reading, best of luck on exams, and summer sunshine awaits us. Fuck yeah. ■

\

T he M cG ill Tribune, Tuesday,, M arch 30, 2 0 0 4

O nce u p o n a tim e ... o m en ’s education at McGill beg an in 1884, w h en D o n ald Sm ith, o th erw ise k n o w n a s “Lord Strathcona,” beg an funding lectures for females.

W ithin four years, the D onalda D epartm ent w as established, a n d for the first time, w om en w ere able to enroll at McGill o n a full-time basis. T he education o f “D onaldas” (th e nicknam e given to w o m e n as a tribute to their benefactors) gen­ erated so m uch d em an d that, 12 years later, they gained their ow n institution: the Royal Victoria College.

Since then, w o m e n have alw ays p layed a pivotal role in McGill’s reputation. At the outset o f the First W orld War, for instance, a group o f McGill w om en led a n effort to sup p o rt the m any McGill students w h o w e re going overseas. T he new ly organized W om en’s U nion (now k n o w n as the U nion for G ender E m pow erm ent) requested that the university adm inistration allow them to u se a large room in Strathcona Hall to m ake garm ents for McGill soldiers overseas. In all, the w om en p ro d u ced over 6,000 pairs o f socks, 1,200 caps, a n d 900 flannel shirts before the w ar w as through.

After the war, McGill becam e hom e to a w ell-know n dance p ro ­ gram, w hich evolved from the 1929 W om en’s D epartm ent o f Physical Education. In the 1930s, m odern a n d interpretive dance becam e a m ajor attraction at McGill, a n d M ontreal’s English daily new spapers covered the annual recitals. By 1990, the dance diplom a ceased to exist but, during its heyday, McGill w as k n o w n for bringing a new ap p ro ach to the fundam entals o f A m erican m o d em dance.

W

The rise of the McGirls K A T H E R IN E F U G L E R in v e s tig a te s h o w tra d itio n a lly m a le M c G ill is c h a n g i n g its g e n d e r a s g irls c o n tin u a lly o u tn u m b e r g u y s

Save the men?

Last October, the enrolm ent n u m b ers for 2002-2003 w e re released to the McGill senate.

They show ed a trend that McGill adm inistrators have b e e n aw are o f for the last 10 years, nam ely that m ore w om en are applying a n d being accepted to McGill.

Associate D ean Academ ic a n d S tudent Affairs M orton M endelson presen ted the origi­ nal report O ctober 15 o n g en d er balance to senate.

“T he g en d er im balance in education has b e en observed in m ost develo p ed countries there­ by im puting it as a societal con­ cern. N otw ithstanding, the uni­ versity should delve into the root causes o f this trend in co o p era­ tion w ith its counterparts by pro­ viding research so that it can continue to enjoy a diverse stu­ dent body w ith all the implica­ tions thereof.”

T his led to Professor Nicholas D e Takacsy, associate VACATIONBOOKREVIEW.COM v ice-principal acad em ic a n d chair o f the adm issions com m it­ “W e h a v e c h a n g e d a s a s o c ie ty . I r e a l l y tee, to report o n the im balance by looking at McGill’s adm issions cri­ d o n ’t k n o w w h y h is fa c u lty h a s m o r e teria. fe m a le s . I c a n g u e s s th a t it re fle c ts h ig h “[We w an ted to see] if som e­ thing w e w ere doing m ight have s c h o o ls e n c o u ra g in g g irls to b e s m a r t a n d created the situation,” said De Takacsy. H e cited the fact that the g u y s to fu c k a r o u n d .” im balance w as fo u n d at the AUS VPFinance CEGEP level a n d that as long as McGill uses only academ ic excel­ lence to determ ine adm issions, the university d o e s n o t directly control the balance o f m ale a n d fem ale students.

W hen asked ho w McGill h a d e ncouraged w om en to join in greater num bers in the past, D e Takacsy said it w as an exam ination o f system ic issues.

“We never really did affirmative action at McGill to increase the am ount o f w om en. [What w e did do] w as to take steps to rem ove bias [against encouraging fem ales to enroll],’’ said D e Takacsy. He w ent o n to say that, in the past, the adm inistration altered a n event in the Engineering faculty to rem ove w hat they felt w as a systemic bias.

“We have n o intention o f changing [present] adm issions to adm it m ore m en, and I d o n ’t think that will change,” said D e Takacsy.

D e Takacsy said that the only aspect o f his investigation that he

w ould b e interested in having a sociologist look into is w hat m ight b e discouraging m en from achieving high grade averages.

O ver the last 120 som e years, life at McGill has definitely changed, b u t never before has the face o f the cam pus b e e n so female. T he num bers are startling: there are only three faculties at the undergraduate level w here m en are in the majority. E ngineering and A rchitecture enrolm ent for this y ear features a 70 p e r cen t m ale incom ing class, w hile M edicine has a narrow 54 p e r cent majority.

R ounding o u t these historically m ale faculties is Religious Studies, w hich accepted a 57 p e r cent m ajority of m en this year.

O n the o th er hand, it is w o m e n w h o dom inate num erous other faculties. W om en m ake u p 68 p e r cent of this y ear’s Arts faculty, 81 p e r cen t o f Education, 93 p e r cen t o f Nursing a n d 60 p e r cent of Science students. Cam pus w ide, that m eans o f the 16,869 full tim e undergraduates, 10,157— or 60.2 p e r cent— are female.

W ho's running the show?

T hese num bers are not only reflected in the likelihood that a girl will b e sitting next to you in class. It is also reflected in w h o runs the school.

T hough H eather M unroe-Blum m ay b e the first fem ale principal o f McGill, w o m en have for m any years b e en leading cam pus groups, organizing events and being involved in positions of authority. This past school year w as n o exception. T he McGill undergraduate stu­ dent governm ent w as m ade u p alm ost entirely o f w om en.

Mia G ew ertz, Students’ Society vice-president clubs and servic­ es, said that the only difference that she sensed in this year’s execu­ tive w as its style o f decision making.

“We [seem to be] m ore considerate to p e o p le ’s feelings,” said Gewertz. “This isn’t so m uch o f a hierarchy, there is n o cattiness, w hich is som ething that y o u ’d expect to find.”

G ew ertz said the executive’s deliberations w ere o p e n to com ­ prom ise.

“T here is a totally different dynam ic, the w ay w e w orked, w as w e [would] p u sh for m ore a consensus decision.”

M eghan O ’Brien, president o f the McGill First Aid Society, fig­ u red that the am ount o f w om en in higher positions is d u e to the fact that m ostly fem ales m ake u p the m em bership o f these organizations.

“T he majority o f first aid [volunteers] are fem ale,” she said. “I think it’s because w e have m ore fem ales try out, a n d the m ajority of them are lifeguards.” She theorized that the majority o f lifeguards are female— you can begin to u nderstand the underlying p attern here.

Victoria D avid, p re sid en t-ele ct of th e E ngineering U ndergraduate Society, is n o t surprised at h e r position in this m aledom inated faculty.

“I have b e e n involved since m y frosh, I en d ed u p serving at Pub night [my first year] a n d last y ear I w as vice-president external. O ur faculty [may have] the highest am ount o f m en, b u t w h e n w e go to engineering com petitions, o th er schools are shocked. We have a jun­ ior design team that is all fem ale.”

D avid said that even next year’s executive w o u ld b e turning heads; last m o n th ’s vote saw six fem ales a n d o n e m ale elected.

D avid’s classes are still predom inantly male, a fact that she says she is used to.

“To b e honest I have never encountered a problem o f sexism ,” she said. “You d o n ’t notice it o nce you get into the m indset. I am try­ ing to think back three years ago [but] you get accustom ed to it. I haven’t taken a class w ith m ore girls th en guys, I can’t think o f o n e .”

Erik Van Eyken, this year’s Arts U ndergraduate Society vicepresident finance, said that he w as u se d to being a m inority m ale in his classes since CEGEP. “We have chan g ed as a society. I really d o n ’t kn o w [why his fac­ ulty has m ore females], I can guess [that] it reflects high schools encouraging girls to b e sm art and guys to fuck aro u n d .”

Van Eyken, w h o finds that there is n o difference to leading an organization filled predom inantly w ith w om en, said that he finds that McGill graduating m ore fem ales is a g o o d thing.

“I have this friend, he's dating this girl that is going to go to m ed school next year, a n d h e ’s a political science student. Basically he's going to follow her, h e ’s going to stay at hom e, read political theory. Maybe get a d o g a n d raise kids. I am jealous o f that guy.”

W hither fliest feminism?

So w here does this leave us? We can take the stance like senate did a n d d em an d an investigation, citing the idea that if this had b e e n a m ale m ajority issue, m ore p e o p le w o u ld have b e e n alarm ed. O r should w e take a lighthearted a pproach to the situation like Gewertz, w h o credited a largely fem ale office for m aking sure th e toilet seat w as left d o w n all the year? W hichever perspective you take, rem em ­ b e r that McGill is m erely an exam ple o f a North Am erican trend.

W ho knows? .M aybe 50 years from now , McGill m ay b e k n o w n as the Sarah Law rence o f the North. ■

12

Features

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

From catcalling to conservatives, from Satan to Santa Claus: You guys covered it all!

The one-night stand syndrome: Short isnot always sweet

Abig thank-you to our writers: Russell Seidle, Cristina Markham, Evan Voroney, Ashley Zurawel, H.A. Matthew Fishman, Lauren Attard, Evan Placey, Ashlee Jollymore, Christina Heyding, Lise Bondy, Liz Allemang, Lexie Buchanan-Kaisin, Melanie Herscovitch, Emily Bessette, Ariane Malawski, Farah Qasemi, Simon Lewison, Mitch Rusk, Rebecca Graber, Adrienne Akman, Laura Rudy, Dany Horovitz, Katy Moskvitch, Leemor Valin, Finn Makela, Laura Saba, Chris Moore, Jaycee Abrams, Robert FIrehoruk, Stefan Szpajda

—love Brody &Jeff (the Features Boys)

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We can't get enough of DAN BUTLER. He's from Australia, he's funny, and if we were religious folk, we'd pray he'd stay another semester so he could be a T rib u n e columnist. With a style that resembles a hybrid of Carrie Bradshaw's writing and the wit found in M a x im , Butler gives a 21st century man's analysis of the infamous touch and go syndrome. ’ve b e e n thinking lately about one-night stands (or ONSs, as I like to refer to them ). I reckon that they’re pretty topical right now , w ith the upcom ing sum m er vacation, recent spring b reak trips, an d a general feeling o f excitem ent a n d anticipation o f w arm er weather. My thinking has led m e to o n e clear conclu­ sion: for the m ost part, ONSs suck (no, that is not a sex­ ual pun). The contem porary w isdom that they’re som e­ h o w an intrinsic an d defining part of the ordinary male just d o esn ’t hold for me. Let’s take a closer look.

ends u p looking anyw here as close to Sarah Michelle C ellar (SMG) as she did at the club! I’m not saying that ONSs can’t occasionally w ork out—after all, I started dating my last girlfriend after w hat she thought w as merely a ONS. Similarly, my ow n birth cam e about due to my dad ’s lengthy an d eventual snagging o f my m oth­ e r after an initially p o o r show ing. But these are excep­ tions, of course. Generally, ONSs d o n ’t w ork out.

So, I’ve decided to include a few general sugges­ tions on how to avoid being churned u p and spat out

For starters, the phrase one-night stand is a big scam in itself. H ow m any peo p le are even close to being able to stand by the time they are having one? Not many, as they generally h ap p en after a night o f copious drug a n d /o r alcohol consum ption, accom panied by an emotionally-draining and often panic-induced search for som eone to pick u p by th e e n d o f th e night. All o f these things stack u p against o n e ’s ability to stand— not to m ention perform well in the sack.

Furthermore, “stand,” to me, denotes som e kind o f epic final confrontation whilst facing certain ruin (e.g.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Thelm a and Louise or Ned Kelly—check your Australian history for that one). It m akes m e think of a description o f ex cep­ tional effort an d com m itm ent to a cause, w here som e­ o n e has to g o above an d b ey o n d the ordinary capabili­ ties o f mortal man.

So, um, w h en w as the last time you o r o n e o f your mates earn ed a badge of ho n o u r o r knighthood for chivalry u n d er the sheets (or m ore likely, the beach blankets) o n a ONS? My guess is never. It just d o esn ’t w ork out that way.

W hether it b e the iiber-quickness kind of sex (sans fore­ play, approxim ately 2.5 seconds long, an d perhaps even w ithout your partner know ing y o u ’ve pu t the plug in the socket), o r the kind w ith the m orning-after em barrass­ m ent o f n o t know ing w h o you are lying next to, the experience rarely lives u p to o u r hopes.

Seriously, w e ’re not likely to be thinking about m uch b eyond getting laid at the time an d she never

by the ONS monster.

1. Avoid ladies’ nights. Yeah, you’ll both think it’s a great idea after you’ve paid for her 15th cheap shot. But before you k now it, tears an d m essiness will abound an d y o u ’ll b e in no position to provide m uch comfort or reassurance for the inevitable dram a w om en conjure up w hen they’re drop-dead drunk.

2. Try m asturbating before you go out to relieve yourself of any pent-up frustration that might steer you in less-than-desirable directions based on a purely hor­ m onal incentive. This way, you might actually w ind up m eeting som eone w hom you are at least som ew hat gen­ uinely attracted.

It’s am azing how m uch easier it is to get attractive girls to talk to you w h en you’re not salivating an d pant­ ing like a rabies-infected dog o r speaking shit through a toxic cloud o f alcohol.

3. O nce you’ve m et som eone, w hether you have or have not hit a hom er that night, get her num ber and call her soon after to arrange a date or som ething. Seriously, if you go through this antiquated practice and start see­ ing the sam e person regularly, everything starts to kick arse— especially sex. That is w hen a relationship takes on a w hole n ew and exciting life (you’ll finally have som eone to try out m ost o f the trickier Kama Sutra m oves with).

Seriously, I think I’m over ONSs... well, at least until SMG m akes m e an offer I can’t refuse!

You know it m akes sense. ■

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Features

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

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Beads and breasts: the beauty of Mardi Gras m a g in e y o u rse lf p a c k e d o n a stre et w ith th o u sa n d s o f o th e r p e o p le . O n y o u r right, th e re ’s a p e rs o n y o u ’v e n e v e r m et, kissin g y o u r c h e e k . To y o u r left, th e re ’s a n o th e r p e rs o n y o u d o n ’t k n o w v o m itin g o n y o u r sh o e w h ile a c h o ru s o f m en can b e h e a rd c h an tin g n e arb y “s h o w u s y o u r tits!” As y o u tram p le t h o u g h p u d d le s o f rain w ater, v o m it a n d beer, se a rc h in g d e sp e ra te ly for y o u r frien d s a m o n g a se a o f d ru n k e n faces, y o u Can’t h e lp but sm ile at th e b e a u ty o f it all. Y ou’re p arty in g at M ardi G ras

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Yee haw, summer's coming! It's time to bust open a fire hydrant and break dance in the street.

Okay, maybe not this early, but it is getting close to that time of year when the streets are closed and week-long festivals take priority over cars. To put you in the party mood, EVAN PLACEY explores the underlying meaning of the bead exchange and the party that is Mardi Gras.

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2004. \ It’s im p o ssib le to m ak e a rev iew o f M ardi G ras im p e r­ so n a l. T h e re ’s n o th in g o b jectiv e a b o u t it. In ste a d I w ill try to tell y o u w h y y o u MUST, a t s o m e p o in t in y o u r life, a tte n d M ardi G ras in N ew O rlean s.

For starters, th e w e ath er. W hile this y e a r’s M ardi G ras sa w o v e rca st skies a n d s o m e rain, it w as su m m e rtim e in th e m id d le o f February. L eave y o u r th erm als a t h o m e; a c h o rd jack et w ill suffice. A nd th e w e a th e r is im p o rta n t sin c e m ost o f y o u r M ardi G ras e x p e rie n c e w ill b e s p e n t o u td o o rs.

T h e o u td o o r a sp e c t lea d s m e to p ro b a b ly th e g re atest p a rt o f N ew O rle an s. Y ou a re legally a llo w e d to h a v e o p e n a lc o h o l in th e street. So g ra b so m e v o d k a , juice a n d plastic c u p s, to ss th em in y o u r k n a p sa c k , a n d y o u ’re re a d y for a d a y at M ardi G ras. A lready y o u sa v e o n e x p e n s e s w h ile re m a in ­ ing h a p p ily d n in k 24 h o u rs a day.

A n d d u rin g M ardi G ras, e v ery th in g is p e rm a n e n tly o p e n : th e bars, clubs, e v e n th e d riv e-th ro u g h d a iq u iri places.

Ju st s h o w y o u r ID a n d g e t y o u rse lf a p in a c o la d a to g o (a s lo n g a s y o u ’re n o t th e driver, o f course!). T h e w o n d e rfu l th in g a b o u t M ardi G ras is th e re ’s n o b e g in n in g a n d n o e n d , just 2 4 -h o u r parties.

T h e re ’s so m e th in g fo r e v e ry o n e at M ardi G ras. T h e P la y b o y p a rty is right b e sid e th e gay c lu b , w h ic h is right b e sid e th e “G irls G o n e W ild" party, w h ic h is right b y th e

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classy jazz joint, w h ic h is rig h t n e x t to th e p o p k a ra o k e bar.

S o u th e rn h o sp itality re ig n s n o m a tte r o f th e tim e o f d a y o r place. If y o u ’re C a n ad ian , th e y love you. If y o u ’re a M ardi G ras virgin, th ey love y o u e v e n m o re, a n d th ey w ill sh o w e r y o u w ith free stuff, o r craw fish as it w a s in th e c ase o f m yself a n d m y friends.

A nd o f c o u rs e th e re a re th e b e a d s. Z illions a n d zillions o f b e ad s. C o n trary to p o p u la r belief, y o u d o n ’t h av e to sh o w y o u r tits to g et b e ad s. T h e c lo w n s o n th e floats a n d ra n d o m p e o p le in th e stre et w ill h a p p ily b e a d y o u — if so m e th in g d ra w s th e m to you. T his o f c o u rse is th e m ost fascinating th in g a b o u t M ardi G ras: th e social p h e n o m e n o n th a t is b a se d o n b e a d s. P e o p le w ill fight y o u fo r b e a d s a n d dive o v e r y o u to c atch th e m b e fo re y o u d o . I w a tc h e d a 50-year-old w o m a n play tu g -o f-w ar w ith o n e o f m y frien d s for h e r p re ­ c io u s b e ad s. Ironically, a t th e e n d o f e a c h party, th e re will b e zillions o f b e a d s o n th e g ro u n d , v irtually u n to u c h e d .

M ardi G ras isn ’t o n ly a b o u t c o n su m p tio n , b u t a lso a b o u t a so cial c o n n e c tio n , a n d it’s th e act o f re ce iv in g b e a d s th a t is im p o rta n t, n o t th e phy sical b e a d s th em se lv es (h e n c e all th e lefto v er o n e s o n th e g ro u n d ). It’s a b o u t g e ttin g sin g led o u t a n d h a v in g so m e o n e th ro w th e ir b e a d s to y o u . In th is w ay, M ardi G ras is a b o u t b rin g in g p e o p le to g eth er. It’s a p lac e w h e re p e o p le o f all a g es a n d c u ltu res c o m e to g e th e r for th e social w o n d e r o f th e b e a d e x c h a n g e . A nd it’s h e re that a h u g e v ariety o f p e o p le , w h o m ight n e v e r o th e rw is e m eet, c o n n e c t a n d socialize.

So n e x t y e a r if th e w in te r b lu e s is g e ttin g y o u d o w n , th ro w a few T -shirts in a b a g a n d fly to L ouisiana. A nd y o u to o w ill d ru n k e n ly ig n o re th e stra n g e m a n ’s h a n d o n y o u r b u tt, a n d th e stra n g e w o m a n kissin g y o u r n eck , a n d y o u ’ll stare u p a t th e c o lo u rfu l b e a d s flying o v e r y o u r h e a d , g lim ­ m erin g in th e b rig h t lights from th e floats, a n d y o u ’ll think, “D am n , life is beautiful!” ■

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C o u r s e s in M o n tre a l s ta r t

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14 Features

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

...Security about people such as vandals who even dare to think about ripping the hand dryers oil the wall in the neuu Luashroom. I have to monitor every security camera in the...

Ig n o re th e ir h a te fu l p r o p a g a n d a :

S m o k e F r e e ly H ere 's a n idea: If y o u 'd lik e to p r o m o te y o u r c lu b o r service, ask fo r it to b e in sert­ e d in to th e S S M U 's e v en ts c a le n d a r o r ta k e o u t a n ad w ith Paul S lachta, o u r a d v e r­ tising m a n a g e r. D o n o t u n d e r a n y circu m stan ces (this m e a n s y o u , y o u o v e re a g e r p u b lic ity chairs o f va rio u s a n d s u n d ry clubs) w r ite to Features a n d ask us to p ro m o te y o u r club. W e d o n 't p la y fa v o u rite s a n d w e a re n 't y o u r p ro p a g a n d a m a c h in e . N o te : th ese assertions d o n o t a p p ly w h e n it co m e s to p ro m o tin g o u r o w n club , S tu d en ts fo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o rro w .

D e a r S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F r e e T o m o rro u u , As uue h a v e s e n t in o u r a p p l i c a ti o n lo r i n t e r i m s t a t u s , uue w o u l d like t o in lo r m y o u o l o u r c lu b ’s p o s ­ s ib le e m e r g e n c e o n t o t h e SSMU s c e n e . W e a r e S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o rro w . T h o u g h w e a r e o n ly n o w s e e k in g r e c o g n itio n a s a n o llicial c lu b u n d e r t h e SSMU b a n n e r , o u r c o r e m e m b e r s ( a n d s o o n t o b e a c ti n g e x e c u t i v e co u n cil) h a v e b e e n w o r k in g t o g e t h e r t o d i s c o u r a g e s m o k e r d is c r im in a tio n a c r o s s c a m p u s . H o w e v e r, a s in d iv id u a ls w e l e l t t h a t o u r v o ic e c o u ld o n ly b e h e a r d b y s o m a n y a n d , a s s u c h , S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o r r o w c a m e t o Iru itio n , in p a r t in s p ir e d b y y o u r c lu b ’s a c ti v i t i e s a t McGill.

W e u n d e r s t a n d t h a t n o n - s m o k e r s a r e e n t i t l e d t o t h e i r r i g h t s a n d o p in io n s , b u t , a s s m o k e r s , w e le e l t h a t w e a r e s u b s e q u e n t l y o p p r e s s e d a n d d is c r i m i n a t e d a g a i n s t . McGill h a s a l r e a d y c ra c k e d d o w n o n s m o k in g in r e s id e n c e s o t h o s e a d d i c t e d a r e lo rc e d t o “t a k e it o u t s i d e . ” F o r m a n y s t u d e n t s m o k e r s a t McGill, t h e t h o u g h t o l I r e e z in g o u t d o o r s w h ile t r y i n g t o lig h t t h e i r cig ­ a r e t t e s in b l u s t e r u c o n d itio n s is a w iu l. B u t w h a t is e v e n m o r e a w l u l is t h e t h o u g h t o l q u i t ti n g . T h o u g h s o m e c o m p ly w i t h r e s id e n c e s t a n d a r d s a n d s u l l e r t h e chill o l M o n tre a l in M arch, o t h e r s s t a n d u p lo r w h a t t h e y b e lie v e in a n d s m o k e in t h e i r r o o m s . McGill d e e m s it u n s a l e , w h ile s t u d e n t s a r e still a l l o w e d t o b u r n c a n d le s Ire e ly . A nd b u r n i n g c a n d le s is n ’t a d d ic tiv e . II t h e r e is s u c h a c o n c e rn o v e r lire s a l e t y , w h y is t h e r e n o e n lo r c e d p o lic y r e g a r d i n g lin t t r a y c le a n in g in r e s id e n c e d r y e r s ? W h y c a n s t u d e n t s b u r n in c e n s e ? W h y s h o u l d a n y o n e b e a l l o w e d t o u s e a n e le c tric b l a n k e t ?

In a n a n n o u n c e m e n t m a d e M arch 12, 2 0 0 3 o n t h e S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F r e e T o m o r r o w W eb s ite , y o u d e s c r ib e y o u r b id t o e n d McGill U n iv e r s ity ’s d e c a d e lo n g t r a d i t i o n o l a c c e p t i n g m o n e y Iro m t h e t o b a c c o i n d u s t r y . II b e i n g m o r a l is s o i m p o r t a n t , w h y n o t s e t u p a n a l l i li a te S t u d e n t s lo r a n Alcohol F r e e T o m o rro w ? McGill r e c e iv e s c o n t r i b u t i o n s Ir o m t h e liq u o r i n d u s t r y , s o w h y is t h i s a n y le s s p r o b ­ l e m a tic t h a n re c e iv in g m o n e y Iro m t h e t o b a c c o c o r p o r a tio n s ? H o w c o u ld McGill s u r v i v e lin a n c ia lly w i t h ­ o u t t h e s e d o n a t i o n s ? By r a is in g t u i t i o n a n d a n c illa r y le e s ?

McGill a n d its s t u d e n t s a r e s a i d t o e m b r a c e d iv e r s ity . On p a g e liv e o l t h e SSMU C o n s titu tio n , A rticle I c o m p e ls t h e S t u d e n t s ’ S o c ie ty t o b e a n “u m b r e l l a o r g a n i z a t i o n t o c o o r d i n a t e a n d s u p p o r t t h e s t u ­ d e n t g r o u p s t h a t m a k e u p civic lile in t h e McGill c o m m u n i ty .” F ro m th is , s m o k e r s a r e n o t a d e q u a t e l y r e p r e s e n t e d . A g ain , t h o u g h w e , S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o rro w , s u p p o r t o t h e r s ’ e n t i t l e m e n t t o e n d o r s e a s m o k e - l r e e lile s ty le , w e th i n k t h a t t h e t i m e h a s c o m e lo r s m o k e r s c a m p u s w i d e t o c o n ­ t e s t t h e l a c t t h a t t h e i r r i g h t s a r e q u ic k ly b e in g t a k e n a w a y . On t h e g r o u n d s o l e q u a l o p p o r t u n i t y a n d s m o k e r a c tiv is m , w e a r e lo o k in g t o s t a r t s a i d club. W e h o p e y o u a r e w illin g t o m u t u a l l y a g r e e t h a t s t u d e n t s , s m o k e r s a n d n o n - s m o k e r s a r e e n t i t l e d t o h a v e a n o n - d i s c r im i n a t o r y s u p p o r t n e t w o r k .

S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o r r o w d o e s n o t s e e k t o a n g e r a n y o n e , in p a r ti c u la r riv a l clu b s. W e t h i n k it w a s a n i m p o r t a n t lir s t s t e p t o e s t a b l i s h i n g a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g w i t h y o u r clu b . W e a r e n o t o u t t o c o n t e s t y o u r g o a l s o r m is s io n s t a t e m e n t a n d w e w o u l d like t o a v o i d co n flict a s w e a r e w e ll a w a r e t h a t t h e r e is t h e p o s s ib ility o l it. W e h o p e t h a t y o u w ill h a v e t h e s a m e r e s p e c t lo r u s , t h o u g h c le a rly , w e d o n o t s e e e y e to ey e.

T h a n k y o u lo r u o u r tim e , S t u d e n t s lo r a S m o k e F rie n d ly T o m o r r o w B ro d y B ro w n , P r e s i d e n t

Liz A lle m a n g , VP C o m m u n ic a tio n a n d S e rv ic e s

SSF T T e stim o n ia ls Thanks Students for a Smoke Friendly Tomorrow! Because you taught m e how to look sexy while smoking, I met the greatest guy ever!

—Felicia Morris

H ey fellow smokers! Just w anted to say to SSFT that you guys totally rock! I w as a total nerd before I met you guys. Once you helped m e master the art of smoking, everyone’s always com ­ ing u p to me in clubs asking me to light their cigs!

Smoking totally gave m e the confidence an d cool status I n eeded to go from geek to chic!

—Joseph Camelie

You guys are the great­ est! B ecause you got m e smoking again I lost seven pounds— and kept them off!

My metabolism’s never been faster!

•—Bella Montamilde

W hat’s u p my smoking brothers and sisters!?! Because you kept my m an and I smoking, I w as able to catch that broke-dow n player cheating! I came hom e from w ork one day and I found butts in the ash­ tray with Chanel “Vamp” lipstick rings on them! And everybody knows I only w ear Bobbi Brown s “Chocolate.” Thanks for giving m e the evi­ dence I needed to kick that fool out!

—Marla Burroughs ...expense. Oh sure, all appears calm a t th e start ol th e year. The stall takes up residence in Room 110, eager to put together a new spaper every week. But th e lirst week, th e seeds...

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Features 15

...building but the Tribune camera, tucked up in the corner of the ollice, is by far my favourite. From my perspective, it is a veritable nut house in there. Oh the laughs I have at their..

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Upcoming activities & events Smoking erotica workshops— C om e a n d learn h o w to w rite erotic sm o k in g fiction! Bill a n d M onica m ay h a v e u se d a cigar b u t m an y o th e r sm o k in g accessories a n d scenarios are in herently sexy. B urn fashionably sexy h o les in y our undergarm ents.

Sexy sm oking n o t y o u r thing? W hy d o n ’t y o u try o n e o f th e shy-friendly Smoking Mini-Courses offered in Fall 2005.

Register early, b e ca u se space will ru n o u t quickly.

— Art o f sm oking — H ow to look cool w hile sm oking — The coolest w ay to h old a cigar — H ow to blow sm oke rings — M ethods for dealing w ith sm oker intolerance — H ow to roll your ow n cigarettes (excellent for penny pinchers!)

— Engraving y o u r very first Z ippo lighter — T obacco grow ing 101 (a fun a n d inform ative after­ noo n , ideal for students in Agriculture o r M anagem ent) — Rolling p a p e r origam i Queer Smoke a.k.a. "Can I have a drag?'— Big party, drag q u e e n s roam ing a ro u n d floor giving o u t “gay cigarettes”— i.e. “bitch sticks,” flavoured cigs, etc.

Smoke-a-thon fundraising drive— Students collect pledges

(w h ich will b e u se d to b u y cigarettes for th o se in dire n e ed ) from friends, classm ates, profs, relatives, etc. C om petitors will sm o k e in a nail-biting event, w hich is su re to b e b oth exciting a n d beneficial.

SmoAP, sim ilar to O p e n Air P u b a n d SnoAP b u t so m u ch better! Students h av e th e o p p o rtu n ity to m ix, m ingle a n d sm o k e in a n unventilated tent.

“Let m e b u m a cigarette?” W hat could b e m o re fun than learn in g a b o u t anatom y, se x a n d sm okes? A nsw er: N O TH­ ING! Learn th e benefits o f sm oking for health, vitality and post-coital relaxation.

"Smokin' speed dating”— W h ere sm o k e rs can m eet sm okers. A deviation from traditional sp e e d dating w h e re sm o k ers stay o n a d a te for duratio n o f a cigarette. ”1 like your butt in my face”— G ro u p s o f sm okers g o out for a night at a sm oke-friendly strip club.

Tobacco appreciation day—Sim ilar to flag day, C anada D ay o r o th e r bullshit holidays that give u s a n ex cu se to party. S m okers c o m p e te for w h o has th e b e st float in a parade. Mr. a n d Mrs. Ciggy will b e c ro w n e d in a cerem o n y h e ld b y th e SSFT a n d its m em bers. P unch will b e served, free m atch es “d o n a te d ” from b ars o n Blvd. St-Laurent, b a k ­ ing com petition, prizes a w ard e d fo r b est recipe using to b ac­ c o a n d /o r tar products.

NICOLELEAVER

E - m a i l u s ! A n d s e n d in y o u r s e x i e s t s m o k i n g p h o t o s : s tu d e n ts f o r a s m o k e f r ie n d ly to m o r r o w @ h o tm a il.c o m

E x c e rp ts fr o m

th e S tu d e n ts

f o r a S m o k e F r ie n d ly T o m o r r o w C o n s titu tio n Article I 1.1 S tudents for a Sm oke Friendly T om orrow also referred to hereinafter as th e Club.

Article II: Mandate 2.1 T h e C lub m an d ate is to p ro m o te tolerance o f sm okers across the cam p u s, th e city a n d th e w orld. To lessen th e h atred a n d discrim ination th at is e x p ressed tow ards sm o k ers daily. T o d e m a n d eq u al rights for no n -sm o k ers o n cam pus.

NICOLELEAVER

T O D O LEST

n Contact —Bloc • w v- HRemind C IIH T IU L r i€ them that the best joints are m ade- w ith a--bit wr of ugarecce. dgarette. ;---------

Article III: Membership 3.1 M em bership is o p e n to everyone. Sm okers a n d no n -sm o k ers w h o w ish to su p ­ p o rt sm okers are e n co u ra g e d to join.

sponsorship. □

Article VI: Fees 6.1 T he C lub’s m em b ersh ip fee shall b e roughly $8 o r th e cost o f a p a ck o f ciga­ rettes. T he m o n ey o f th o se w h o d o n o t participate in th e actual sm o k in g b u t a re m ere su p p o rte rs o f th e sm oke-friendly m ovem ent will g o tow ards ro o m bookings, sp are lighters, secretarial fees, etc. M em bers o f th e Club, how ever, are e n c o u ra g e d to sp e n d m ore o n m em b ersh ip to e n h a n c e th e quality o f their e x p erien c e in th e Club. For ex am ­ ple, th o se w h o c h o o se to sp e n d $50 c an afford a w ell-rolled C uban cigar a n d p e rh ap s e v en a Z ippo lighter. Financial assistance will b e m ad e available to th o se in dire need.

T he C lub h o p e s to provide th o se w h o are oth erw ise u n a b le to afford cigarettes the c h an c e to sm o k e them .

’ agarette dnve, corporate

Lobbying goals (or 2004-2005:

E n to rœ d smo|<e b re a k s d u rin g lin a l e x a m p e rio d s R e tu rn o f s m o k in g ro o m in lib ra ry E x te n s io n o f d e s ig n a te d s m o k in g a re a s °

016

P o te n tia l le c tu re topics

-The evolution of the lighter «

iiw nrregulars?8™ ^0'

Article VIII: Meetings 8.3 Special m eetings shall b e called at any tim e d e e m e d necessary by th e ex ec u ­ tive com m ittee a n d /o r the com m ittee chair. Most likely em erg en cy m eetings will b e held during stressful academ ic p e rio d s to p ro m o te relaxation am ongst m em bers.

Year-end goal: AH smokers will be given the rights and access enjoyed by non-smokers on campus ...are sown lor complete mayhem. Look in their eyes and you will perceive a fear. What happens il there are no stories this week? Will the photographer get his assignment in?...

16 Features

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

...Will the computers survive another week? I am only supposed to watch the ollice camera overnight, but I like to look in on a Monday and spy on the stall. You see, it is production...

B y la w s , r u le s o f t h e c lu b , h o p e f u l o u tc o m e , a n d o t h e r r e le v a n t in f o r m a t io n 1. Sm oke-ins will b e scheduled w h en necessary or w h en three-fifths o f the executive com m ittee deem s it necessary.

2. Discrimination based o n brand loyalty (M atinee, B enson & H edges, Peter Jackson, etc.) will not be tolerated.

3. Each m em ber must bring ow n cigarettes to m eetings. If there is an incident in w hich a m em ber in good standing has run out o f cigarettes or has com e ill-prepared, “bum m ing” cigarettes will be tolerated to a degree, as determ ined and regulated by a m em ber o f the executive.

4. After attending tw o m eetings, each m em ber will be expect­ ed to bring his/her ow n lighter. It is strongly suggested that any individual w ishing to becom e initiated into SSFT does not bring m atches or any other deviant fire starting device (eg. tw o sticks brought with the intention of rubbing said sticks together, m agni­ fying glasses, sparklers, or explosives o f any kind).

5. Com plaints like “My lungs hurt” or “I i an l Mi ip o a ig h in g will initially b e ignored, but then will b e dealt w ith in a quick a n d decisive m anner. Im m ediate expulsion will occur w hen a m em ber shares such a com m ent w ith m ore than tw o other m em bers o f the Club.

6. Blowing sm oke in another m em ber’s face will b e treated as an act o f aggression The aggressor will b e subject to public punishm ent and denigration unless the blow er apologizes and insists the incident w as an accident.

7. G um do es not belong in any ashtray. Any o n e w h o dis­ p oses o f h is/h er gum in an ashtray will also b e subject to investi­ gation as this behaviour is typical o f a sm oke-deprived individual

(i.e. a non-sm oker).

8. Cigar, cigarillo, bidis, pipe, unfiltered, and fil­ tered users are all encouraged to attend general m eet­ ings and m ake bids for initiation into SSFT 9. Discussion o f use o f enclosed environm ents and the way in w hich adm inistration has ghettoized o u r m em bers into labelled, separate and obviously not equal areas in w hich sm oking is “tolerated.”

Furthermore: As long as hoochie m om m as persist in show ing their butt-cracks across cam pus, w e ’ll b e leaving our butts o n every plot o f ground th e sm oker deem s safe and convenient.

T he Club does not condem n sm okers o f crack.

It's your right. So put w hatever you w ant into your pipe a n d sm oke it.

Rolling papers will not b e provided by the exec­ utive.

W hen a m em ber com plains about second-hand sm oke, the executive council shall inform the complainer tliat they’re “ruining the party,” regardless o f the setting in w hich the com plaint is lodged.

W hen th e y say they’re “trying to help us quit,” w e ll refer th em to a list o f suggestions, offering ideas for im provem ent o f their o w n selves.

N on-m em bers m ention o f “yellow ing o f teeth,” “b a d breath,”

NICOLELEAVER and “reduced life span," will be treated as reinforcem ent o f nega­ tive stereotypes a n d attitudes. Such inappropriate behaviour will not lie tolerated and any physical, em otional o r psychological dam age suffered by com m enter will neither b e c ondem ned nor c o n d o n ed by the executive. (Note: this does include arm burns, arson, ash in drinks.)

...in the book,cuhile another editor holds the printer in a loving embrace, trying to coax the machine to spit out its papery contents. And il I am lucky, sometimes I get to see a last...

CD

Check out

CORRECTION

MCGILLTRIBUNE.COM

C aroline Bernier, q u o ted in “H auling in y our sorry McGill ass,” March 23, says that if caught urinating in public o r playing m usic too loud, the o ffender can receive a w arning a n d /o r a ticket.

If the offender refuses to identify himself, then he can b e arrested. Additionally, the “cell” in w hich o n e w ould b e d etained is located at the O perational C entre at 980 Guy, not Division 38.

Lexie Buchanans final, hilarious installment o f Lex and the City Also read Laura Sabas piece on the politics o f public washrooms

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Québec sa si

a r t s & e n t e r t a i n m e n t T h e M c G i l l T r i b u n e , Tues day, March 30, 2 0 0 4

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The love of our lives: Montreal in the sunshine M o n t r e a l w in t e r s c e r t a i n l y a r e n ' t m o s t p e o p l e 's c u p o f t e a , b u t c o m e s u m m e r , t h e c it y e x p l o d e s w i t h its o w n p e r s o n a li t y o f h e a t a n d fle s h , i n f u s e d w i t h fe s tiv a ls , a lc o h o l a n d

joie de vivre.

T h i n k o f it a s t h e

l i g h t a t t h e e n d o f t h e t u n n e l . S t a y th is s u m m e r , c h e c k o u t a ll t h e c it y h a s t o o f f e r , a n d fa ll in l o v e w i t h M o n t r e a l a ll o v e r a g a i n

Mondiale de la Biere

Montreal Jazz Festival.

June 2 to 6 I

Windsor Station. Wednesday through Sunday, noon to 11:00p.m. Visit www.festivalmondialbiere.qc.ca.

First and foremost, this beer festival is a commercial trade fair, but that doesn’t prevent lovers of the brew from trekking down and sampling golden elixir from the world over. The prices aren’t cheap, so load up before you head down. Benjamin Franklin once proclaimed, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Amen to that.

— Panthea Lee

Mutek June 2 to 6 | Various locations. Visit www.mutek.ca Always a refreshing highlight of the summer, the Mutek festival is an exciting exploration of electronic music. Watch as those glow-in-the-dark pale bedroom producers and DJs emerge drooling from their dark basements to revel in the five days of aural stimulation.

This year’s program has yet to be announced, but last year saw Richie Hawtin, Senor Coconut and Telefon Tel Aviv, among others, on the roster. Brace yourself for talk of sonic landscapes, IDM, micro-genres and digital deconstruction that may make your head spin. But give the music snobs their day.

— PL

June 30 to July 11 Various locations. Noon until midnight, daily. Visit www. montrealjazzfestival. com The festival celebrates its 25 th anniversary this year, offering a wide variety of jazzy tones ranging from clas­ sic and blues to reggae and Latin. Performances number in the hundreds and occur in different indoor and out­ door venues. This year’s complete roster will be available June 1, but many notables have already been confirmed, including Diana Krall, Oliver Jones and Oscar Peterson, Tony Bennett, Wynton Marsalis, the Elvin Jones Jazz Machine and George Thorogood and the Destroyers.

Tickets went on sale in December, but passes for some of the bigger shows begin selling March 27.

— Casey Reynolds

Just for Laughs_______________ June 15 to 25 | Various locations. Visit www.hahaha.com.

Knock knock. (Your turn). Dustin. (Your turn).

Dustin the hallway, better close your door. Har har.

Okay, we promise the Just for Laughs comedy festival will be better than that. Much better.

— PL

FanTasia July 8 to 31 1 Various locations. Visit www.fantasiafestival.com.

FanTasia’s ninth year offers viewers a plethora of fantasy, horror and action films. The festival prides itself on bringing innovative films to the public from all over the world. Past films include the 1999 premiere of Ringu, which led to the English remake, The Ring, and last summer’s premiere of In My Skin. Interested film buffs should look for tickets to go on sale in July. And if you’re a budding filmmaker yourself, don’t hesitate to submit your work—FanTasia refuses to charge submis­ sion fees.

— Liz Treutler

PISCESPOSTERS.COM N ot q u ite M ontreau x , b u t a fte r 25 y e ars, ja z z fe st still cools us off.

Francofolies July 24 to August 3 | Various locations. Visit www.francofolies.com.

Sick of all the tourist-oriented festivals in the Montreal summertime? How about heading to Francofolies, the Québécois-proud francophone music festival? French performers from all over the world get together for a small-scale jazz party. It’s a trip—everyone sways along to strange French music and, eerily, they know all the words. Francofolies is a great cultural event, even if you don’t speak the language. And hey, if you know the words, it’ll be that much more fun.

—Julie Peters

Pivers/Çité Gay Pride July 28 to August 3 | Parade begins August 1 starting at noon. Other events at various locations. Visit www.diverscite.org.

Walking towards the Divers/Cité Gay Pride parade in Montreal last summer, I took in the images of bright bikini tops, men wearing nothing but puppets on their penises, topless women and Pride supporters selling cat and rooster-shaped cookies, shouting “Cocks and pussies! Get your cocks and pussies here!”

I expected Montreal Pride to be smaller than the Toronto versions, but livelier nonetheless. It was certain­ ly smaller and, though it was fun, it wasn’t nearly as rowdy as it could have been. Maybe what Divers/Cité needs is an injection of McGill students’ wildness. If you’re here, go, be loud and give Montreal Pride the sup­ port it needs.

-JP DIVERSCITE.ORG S e e SUM M ERTIM E, p a g e 18

P rid e co m e s a liv e a t M o n tre a l's D ivers/C ité.

O t h e r n o t a b le d a te s a n d f e s tiv a ls

18 A&E

4

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

®ince

Mosaica shines and stumbles Simone Cruickshank T o c e le b ra te its 2 0th a n n iv e rsa ry , th e M cGill C o n tem p o ra ry D a n ce E nsem ble, b e tte r k n o w n as M osaica, h a s p u t to g e th e r a s h o w th a t d e lv e s in to alm ost e v ery im ag­ in ab le form o f d a n ce , from ballet to h ip h op.

M osaica d e fin e s itself as “a n egalitarian d a n c e g ro u p ” w h o s e m em b e rs a re “se lec te d u n iq u e ly o n th e ir ability to p e rfo rm a n d e x p re ss th e ir p e rso n a l sty le s -w ith o u t s u b ­ scribing to ideals o f th e p e rfe c t d a n c e r.” T his a p p ro a c h to d a n c e a n d p e rfo rm a n c e is th e stre n g th o f M osaica a s a co m p a n y , b u t is a lso th e so u rc e o f th e g ro u p ’s m o st glar­ ing w e a k n e sse s. T his y e a r’s sh o w , c lo ck in g in at tw o h o u rs,

SM JIM P IM r From February 15 to April 30 2004.

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is lo n g e n o u g h fo r a u d ie n c e s to se e w h e re M osaica excels, b u t a lso w h e re im p ro v e m en ts a re n ecessary.

T h e s h o w b e g in s o n a stro n g n o te, w ith th e e n tire c o m p a n y o n sta g e in a n e d g y p ie c e c h o re o g ra p h e d b y the c o m p a n y ’s c o o rd in a to rs, K ate Salter, A inslie P ick ard a n d M ara B urney. T h e se c o n d piece, a h ip -h o p n u m b e r set to O utK ast m e m b e r Big B oi’s “W ar” is a lo t o f fu n to w atch.

Like th e first p e rfo rm a n ce , it d e m o n stra te s th e M osaica d a n c e rs’ skill a t m ak in g g o o d u se o f stag e lim itations a n d o f m usic. F rom th ere , th e ro a d g e ts b u m p ier, a n d th e re st o f th e e v en in g is a m ixture o f h ig h s a n d low s.

M osaica is u n d o u b te d ly stro n g w h e n d e alin g w ith m o re c o n te m p o ra ry styles o f d a n c e , esp ecially w h e n m ix­ in g th e m in to classical c h o reo g ra p h y . T h e sh o w ’s —1v u n e v e n n e ss c o m e s from th e c o m p a n y ’s “eg alita ria n ” policy, w h ic h gives e a c h d a n c e r th e c h a n c e to c h o re o g ra p h — o r h e lp c h o re o g ra p h — a p iec e. W hile this allow s all th e d a n c e rs to p a rticip a te in th e c re ­ ative p ro c ess, it also m ak e s fo r less in terestin g c h o ­ re o g ra p h y w h e n c o m p a re d to th e m o re en g ag in g p iec es sc a ttere d th ro u g h o u t th e p e rfo rm a n c e ’s tw o acts. T his situ atio n is also tru e o f th e d a n c e rs th e m ­ selves; so m e a re sim ply m o re tale n te d th a n others.

T h e d iffere n ce s in p e rfo rm e rs’ abilities, a s w ell as th e fact th at so m e h a v e clearly h a d m u c h m o re train in g a n d a re in b e tte r c o n d itio n th a n others, m a k e for a stra n g e a sso rtm en t d an cers. T hat said, th e c h o re o g ra p h e rs usu ally d o w ell pairin g d a n c e rs w h o s e b o d ie s w o rk w ell together, a n d th e n se lec t­ ing d a n c e rs for th e ir p iec es w h o are m o st a p p ro p ri­ ate for th e re q u ire d style.

T h e e n se m b le m e m b e rs a re also, w ith o u t fail, e x ce lle n t a t c rea tin g a n d e x p ressin g th e m o o d o f a p iec e, w h e th e r th ro u g h th e m usic selectio n — w h ic h is v e ry g o o d th ro u g h o u t th e e n tire sh o w — o r th ro u g h th e c h o re o g ra p h y itself. T h e c o stu m e

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DEPARTMENT OF ENGLISH PRIZES AND AWARDS

d e sig n is e q u ally effective a n d c o n trib u tes to th e overall effects o f th e se le c te d songs.

U ltim ately, d e sp ite certain p ro b lem s, th e M osaica p e r­ fo rm an c e is e n te rta in in g a n d fu n to w a tch , a n d it is clear th a t all th e p e rfo rm e rs e n jo y w h a t th e y a re doing. Any McGill stu d e n t w h o likes d a n c e will like th e show . You m ay e v e n b e in sp ired to g o o u t d a n cin g — o r e v e n tak e a h ip -h o p class— afterw ards. ■

WHEN: WHERE:

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MOSAICA M osaica p u sh e s c o n te m p o ra ry d a n ce to th e lim its.

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The KAYMacIVERMEMORIALPRIZE, worth $500, for the best English essay by an undergraduate on a subject in the field of English Canadian or French Canadian literature, to be nominated by instructors.

CREATIVE WRITING The MONAADILMANPRIZEINPOETRY, worth $700— or $350 for two students, is open to undergraduate or graduate students registered in the Faculty of Arts for the best poem or group of poems relating to ecological or environmental concerns.

The CLARK LEWIS MEMORIAL PRIZE, worth $450, is open to major or honours students in the Department of English. The prize is awarded annually or from time to time for original plays staged in the course of the academic year.

The CHESTERMACNAGHTEN PRIZES INCREATIVEWRITING (two prizes, one of $700 and another of $400) are open to undergraduate students of the Universityfor the best piece of creative writing in English, i.e. a story, a play, a poem, an essay, etc Printed compositions are ineligible if they have been published before April 15, 2004.

The PETERSON MEMORIAL PRIZE, worth $2,000, is open to undergraduate or graduate students registered in a degree program in the Department of English with distinction in English Literature (CGPA 3.30 or above) who has also shown creative literary ability.

The LIONELSHAPIROAWARDSFORCREATIVEWRITING, three prizes of $1,500 each, to be distributed if possible among the genres of poetry, fiction, screen writing and playwrighting. Each prize to be awarded on the recommendation of the Department of English to students in the final year of the BJK. course who have demonstrated out­ standing talent (Anote from your academic adviser verifying you will have completed your program requirements and the minimum credits required bythe Faculty of Arts (by April 2004) MUSTaccompany your submission.)

These competitions are restricted to students who have not previouslywon the First Prize.

Forms to be completed (for the creative writing prizes and awards) are available in the Department of English General Office, Arts 155. Submissions must be INTRIPLICATE. DEADLINE: W e d n esd ay , A pril 1 4 ,2 0 0 4

n t S treet Fest_______________ July 3 to 6; August 14 to 17 | Ah, to enjoy the streets of Montreal in the hot summer weather. The Crescent Street festival pushes all the stores and restaurants onto patios where you can get cold beer and fresh tapas while watching passersby.

Live music, often with a Brazilian flavour, plays on a street stage and people show off their moves in the middle of the blocked-off street between Rue SteCatherine and Blvd. de Maisonneuve. When night falls, the block is packed with partygoers. The bar scene bleeds joyously onto the street and it stops mat­ tering whether you are outside or not.

-JP

adness_______________ June 19 to33; August 21 to 24 j The Main also fêtes itself on the stretch of Blvd.

St Laurent between Rue Sherbrooke and Rue MontRoyal. You can walk up and down the closed-off Main,

gaping at the street performers, street sales and crazy Montrealers who come out to strut by day and party by night. Main Madness is a considerably larger festival than the Crescent Street festival, but it is more about street sales than street salsa. Luckily, there’s no need to choose. Do both!

- JP

Film Festival________ August 26 to September 6| Various cinemas. Visit www.ffm-montreal.org.

Since its 1977 debut, the World Film Festival has grown to become the Western world s highest-attended film festival. Each year a guest is honoured, and this year it is French actress Isabelle Adjani. The films are shown at major downtown theatres, as well as the favourite Under the Stars night screenings on Rue SteCatherine. This year’s festival coincides with the start of a new semester. You’re going to be here anyway, so don’t you think films from different continents might ease the transition out of summer fun and into work­ ing again?

— LT

miss saigon bjork jecherche thedandywarhois blackalStsoussmoke breaktown and country popmontreal sarrt roberts theanimation s h o w ^ i K i i | m a n o r alpha bloody sloan chromec moondata raised list marriage de figaro under die toscan sun eating out “ tneoox navyfœteyworkman string cheese incident out of time lost in translation paper aisplanes the uni­ cams independent filmfestival snobbery nightlife queer filmfestival addison groove project anthrax kill bill veronica guerin black and blue T h a n k y o u f o r b e in g s o e n th u s ia s tic , s o m à m f W u n d e r s ta n d in g ü t f b l P M me-mooo mangoMb gerosHscfïmpoafier death uiolor cutus msoTixotecF mealfe worKsbop weakmnans <Mc reviews radio kinqs s o - f a b u lo u s th is y e a r. W e b o t h h a d a n a m a z in g y e a r , th a n k s t o a ll o f y o u . S o meet e r e 's to a g r e a t s e c tio n th is y e a r , a n d b e s t o f lu c k t o n e x t y e a r 's A&E e d ihip hophhistory the housed f aad aralfoq iota by ni#m aayched< the specificsmorstreaf imemahonarauto show\ob Umonster white cowbell okdteïSrdDfeffiMrl ;CHOClOS 3fl(J Liti Treutler...we know you'll make us proud! n mai idomeneo harlequin’scarnival april marchthebutterflyeffect hukklethenotwist super furryanimals thevagina monologues in my skin girl with a pearl earring the wrens bar guide 2004 miracle touching the void tbs hidden-cameras george eiliot darke cham­ ber orchestra the dreamers past perfect rémi bolduceurotrip andrew w.k. tirevon hiits.WVC, manqué osama whosafraidof Virginia woolf artfvistsc franz ferdinand rocgill drama festival aïsand ail the mimi awards brian PANTHEA a n d S P E N C E R pMassion 2004 roger toupinbeadedprayer project zero tolerancemoneybootlesstheatreeternal sunshineof thespotlessmindsum­ mer festivals mosaica martyr the iadykillers jersey girt april fools we am montrea!

A&E 19

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Braving death metal Greg Ellermann If, b y so m e chan ce, y o u h ave n o t tu rn e d o n a tele ­ vision o r b e e n o u tsid e in th e last y e a r o r tw o, y o u m ay n o t h a v e n o ticed w h a t a h o t (a n d oh-so-hilarious) c o m ­ m odity heav y m etal h a s b e c o m e as o f late.

Post-m odernity m ay n o t h ave tau g h t u s m uch, b u t it has rev ealed th at th ere is n o b e tte r w ay to g e t a lau g h th an w ith a size extra-sm all Ju d a s Priest T-shirt o r a n o ld Iron M aiden re c o rd to h a n g o n y o u r w all.

G ranted, m etal can b e so m ew h at ridiculous b u t th e n again, it is n o m o re ludicrous th a n thinking that p rotecting y o u rself b e h in d a shield o f irony is a n y k in d o f w a y to live.

W hile so m e p e o p le w ill n e v e r actu­ ally u n d e rstan d th e a p p e a l o f m etal, th ere are in d e e d o th ers w h o m an ­ age to v iew it n o t as a joke, b u t as a style o f m usic to b e a p p rec ia ted for its o w n m erits, just as a n y o th er k in d o f m usic sh o u ld be.

T hat said, M ontreal is h o m e to p e rh a p s th e largest n u m b e r o f ‘real’ m etal kids p e r capita o f a n y city in N orth Am erica. B rave C oncerts is o n e o f th e largest p ro m o te rs in the city a n d last Saturday a t C lub Soda, the c o m p a n y c eleb ra ted its 10th anniversary o f puttin g o n show s w ith— w h a t e lse — a sh o w .

H e a d lin e d b y tw o o f Q u e b e c ’s biggest m etal b a n d s, K ataklysm a n d H eavy m etal n e v e r Martyr, th e sh o w w a s absolutely

punishing.

K ataklysm in co rp o rated a n ideal b len d o f traditional m elodic d e ath m etal w ith m o sh parts m o re ak in to H a teb re ed o r 100 D e m o n s th an anyth in g h e ard o n a m etal record. Its set closer, “In S hadow s a n d D ust,” p e r­ fectly ex em plified this s o u n d a n d c au se d m o re th an a fe w p e o p le to sprain their n eck s in appreciation.

M artyr w as m u ch less straightforw ard in its ap p ro ac h to th e d e ath m etal g en re, a d d in g n u m e ro u s tech n ical flourishes a n d so u n d in g m u ch like fellow Q u e b e c e rs C ry p to p sy .

T he M artyr d ru m m e r w a s su p p o sed ly sick b u t o th er th an his hurried ru sh from th e stage as so o n as th e set e n d e d , his a b se n ce w as com pletely u n detectable.

B oth b a n d s’ p erform ances w e re n e arly flaw less and, K ataklysm especially, d e m o n ­ strated exactly h o w g o o d death m etal can be. F our local b a n d s o p e n e d th e sh o w , in c lu d in g Liva, a c la ssic al/m e tal fu sio n b a n d featuring a train ed o p e ra singer, a n d H anker, w h ich m ay b e o n e o f th e o ld est p erform ing Q u e b e c b a n d s (n o w entering its 14th y e ar o f e xistence). T he sh o w w as long a n d at tim es (i.e. b e tw e e n b ands) so m e w h a t exhausting, b u t w h e n K ataklysm PACES.INFINIT.NET/MARTYR a n d M atryr to o k th e stage, it w as easy e n o u g h to re m e m b e r w h y lo o k ed so good. y o u w e re there. ■

C’est presque impossible de parler des Cowboys Fringants sans parler de la politique québécoise. Les gars (et la fille) de Repentigny espèrent porter leur mar­ que de fierté québécoise aux Parisiens. Vendredi soir passé, ils ont joué un spectacle complet au Cabaret avant de partir à Paris cette semaine.

Depuis leur dernier spectacle qui était complet au Centre Bell en décembre, ils n’ont pas offert d’autre représentation. La tournée rigoureuse « Attache ta tuque! » pendant 2003 les a épuisés. Alors, ils vont être en vacance pour commencer un nouvel album et prof­ iter du succès de leur disque Break Syndical. Vendredi soir, ils ont présenté le début de deux nouvelles chan­ sons, «8 secondes» et «Anna».

Mais après avoir joué au Centre Bell, pourquoi jouer dans une salle de club? Parce que c’était une avant-première pour un spectacle le 2 avril à l’Elysée Montmartre à Paris. C’est la première fois que le groupe ira en Europe. Pendant le spectacle, il y avait beaucoup de blagues au sujet des différences du jouai québécois et du français parisien, ainsi que les dif­ férences entre les accents.

Le spectacle de vendredi, qui a duré trois heures, était divisé en deux parties et a inclué leurs hits «Québécois de Souche», «Le gars d’là Compagnie» et la chanson anti-gouvernement, «En Berne». L’énergie des spectateurs s’est élevée sans relâche pendant toute la soirée. À la fin, tout le monde frédonnait ou chantait des paroles du groupe. C’est bien pour les québécois, mais comment les français réagiront-ils?

Les Cowboys semblent plus confortables devant une petite foule comme au Cabaret. Les Parisiens seront un changement pour nos Fringants, et les petits clubs de Paris sont idéals pour un premier spectacle. Le violon de Marie-Annick Lépine et les mesures du bat­ teur Jérôme Dupras créent un son très traditionnel. De plus, l’esprit du groupe est époustouflant, ce qui est idéal dans un club plus intime.

u g l y n e ig h b o u r h o o d a n d w ic k e d g u a r d .

P e rfe ct fo r th e s u m m e r .

ENTREPOSAGE

Su'mon voyage à Paris (c'tait I'fun) Spencer Ross

R o o m to re n t, n o v ie w ,

Comme on s’y attendrait d’un spectacle des Cowboys, la foule a hué chaque fois que le chanteur Karl Tremblay a dit le mot «Canada», en soulignant la division du reste du Canada. En présentant la toune «Mon Pays (réel des aristocrates)», Tremblay a remarqué que la foule était perdue, comme une bataille perdue— une allusion à la bataille des plaines d’Abraham en 1759.

La soirée s’est déroulée à la bonne vielle méthode des Cowboys Fringants. La repartie entre les membres du groupe était souvent comique. Pendant la deuxième partie, Tremblay faisait des blagues sur l’absurdité de l’animatrice de Star Académie, Julie Snyder. Au rappel, il a grimpé sur un speaker au deuxième étage et a plongé dans la foule.

Est-ce que les français comprendront les thèmes du nationalisme québécois ou est-ce que la fraternité et la musique des francophones seront plus importantes?

On verra. Faites attention, la France! Les Cowboys Fringants ne sont pas un groupe ordinaire. ■

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20 A&E

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Quoth the Raven: Extra crispy

Let the music blossom As April showers pour and exam pressure builds, GREG ELLERMANN looks at some Montreal shows that will let you vent your frustrations.

Dany Horovitz T h e re ’s so m e th in g to b e sa id a b o u t th e q u a in tn e ss o f th e D e e p S outh. M aybe it’s so m e th in g in th e a cc en ts o r th e hum idity, b u t th e s o u th e rn U n ited States se e m s to b e th e m o st c h a rm in g p la c e I n e v e r in te n d to visit. It also h a p p e n s to b e th e se ttin g for J o e l a n d E th an C o e n ’s n e w co m e d y , The Ladykillers.

In d e e d , th e C o en b ro th e rs h a v e m a d e th e ir sh a re o f stra n g e c o m e d ie s in th e past, su c h as th e in cre d ib le Fargo a n d th e a m ia b le O Brother, Where Art Thou, w h ic h , in cid e n ta l­ ly, w a s also se t in th e D e e p South. B ut The Ladykillers is p ro b a b ly th e ir stra n g est s o u th ­ e rn flick to d a te — n o t th a t th a t’s a b a d thing.

The Ladykillers is a re m a k e o f a 1955 m o v ie s ta rrin g P e te r S e lle rs a n d A lec G u in n e ss a b o u t a c re w o f m isfit c a sin o ro b -

WHAT: The Ladykillers Desperate Measures, Have Heart, Look Alive, All Tensed Up A p r il 10, C a fé In c o n d itio n n e l (4 5 8 4

WHO: Tom Hanks, Marlon .

Wayans, Irma P. Hall

(—I BY;

Joel and Ethan Coen

P a p in e a u ), 7 :0 0 p m

Straightedge varsity jackets, a non­ stop stream of stage dives and at least 20 dudes with low marine fades will be on display at this show. This concert is bigger than the fourth YOT European reunion tour. Get down.

Cursed, Mi Amore, Black Cobra A p r il 11, E l S a lo n (4 3 8 8 S t. L a u r e n t), 9 :0 0 p m

All three bands play what could be described as metal-influenced hard­ core. However, instead of the usual third-rate Poison the Well meets Urban Outfitters meets Funky Toque images that this description often conjures up, these bands are influ­ enced by sources like Entombed and Black Sabbath along with more traditional hardcore rock.

Iced Earth, Children of Bodom, Evergrey, Eidolon A p r il 2 8 , M e d le y (1 1 7 0 S t. D e n is), 7 :0 0 pm

Raging pow er metal will abound as the armies of light and dark finally meet in a battle of epic proportions.

Even if this show does cost $30, there is no way anyone with a soul could feel like it’s not worth it. This is the closest thing most of us will ever have the chance to experience living in the land of the Lord o f the Rings. Don’t screw it up.

JË

RATING: * * * «

Chasing Clerks Danv. Horovitz K evin Sm ith is a p o p u la r ic o n fo r p e rv e rt­ e d , sex u a lly in e p t te e n a g e rs e v e ry w h e re . H e ’s a lso o n e h ell o f a s n a p p y w rite r w h e n it c o m e s to d ialo g u e , k in d o f a m o d e rn d a y W o ody A llen. In Jersey Girl, Sm ith’s n e w e s t film, h e d o e s a w a y w ith his o ld w ays, a n d e m b ra c e s a kindler, g e n tle r ty p e o f m ovie.

Sort of.

B e n A ffleck stars as O llie T rinke, a to p p u b lic ist in N e w Y ork w h o s e life ta k e s a n u n e x p e c te d a n d tragic tu rn w h e n h is w ife d ies g iving birth. S o o n a fte r that, O llie m o v es in w ith his fa th e r B art (G e o rg e C arlin) in N ew Je rse y , a n d tries to b a la n c e h is life as a p u b li­ cist a n d n e w father. H e s o o n realizes h e is n o t c u t o u t for e ith e r role.

A fter a n in c id e n t w h e re h e insults Will Sm ith b e fo re a g ro u p o f jo urnalists, his c a re e r is finished, a n d so h e d e c id e s to w o rk o n b e in g a g o o d fa th e r to his d a u g h te r, G ertie (R aquel C astro).

F ast-fo rw ard se v e n y e ars, w h e re O llie s p e n d s his d a y s w o rk in g fo r th e city a s a m a in te n a n c e w o rk e r, a n d his n ig h ts w a tc h in g m o v ies w ith his d a u g h te r. It tu rn s o u t th a t O llie h a s b e e n sex u a lly re p re s s e d all th e se years, a n d w h ile G ertie re n ts h e r k id d ie m ovies, O llie ta k e s a q u ic k d a s h in to th e a d u lt section. H e g ets c a u g h t u p in a stra n g e re la ­ tio n s h ip w ith th e v id e o sto re clerk, M aya, p e r­ fectly p la y e d b y Liv Tyler. M aya, as it tu rn s o u t, is a g ra d u a te stu d e n t d o in g h e r th esis o n fam ily m e n w h o re n t p o rn .

b ers. In th e u p d a te d v e rsio n , T om H a n k s revives th e G u in n e ss ro le a s P ro fe sso r G. H. D orr, a s o u th e rn g e n tle m a n w h o h a s a Ph.D . in G re e k a n d Latin, a n d p o ss e s se s a w e a lth o f k n o w le d g e a b o u t th e p o e try o f E d g ar A llen P oe. H a n k s lo o k s like C o lo n el S an d ers a n d s o u n d s like V in cen t Price.

D o rr re n ts a ro o m in a h o u s e o w n e d b y a relig io u s o ld lad y n a m e d M arva M u n so n (Irm a P. H all). H e a n d his te a m u se h e r b a s e ­ m e n t to d ig a tu n n e l to a n e a rb y c a sin o a n d steal th e loot.

In o rd e r to a v o id b e in g c a u g h t b y M arva o r h e r d e a d h u s b a n d ’s portrait-—w h ic h alw ays se e m s to b e o n th e lo o k o u t— th e m e n p re ­ te n d to b e m usicians. All g o e s w e ll until M arva b rin g s so m e o f h e r c h u rc h frien d s to listen to th e b a n d play, a d e v e lo p m e n t th at re q u ire s D o rr to d o so m e im provising.

T h ere d o e s n ’t se e m to b e a n o rm al c h a r­ a c te r in th e w h o le m ovie. T h e re ’s a n e x p lo ­ sives e x p e rt w h o h a s p ro b le m s w ith his b o w ­ els, a n e x -G en e ra l from th e Viet C o n g w h o sp e a k s v e ry little a n d sm o k e s v e ry heavily.

M arlon W ayans, w h o p lay s G a w a in M acSam , sin g le -h a n d e d ly b rin g s th e ra tin g o f this m o v ie u p a n o tc h as th e b ig m o u th jan ito r o f th e casin o . A ltogether, th e y a re o n e stra n g e

W hile this is a ro m an tic co m e d y , it is b e t­ te r th a n m o st b e c a u s e its d ia lo g u e is so direct, so fu n n y a n d so tru e (M aya tells O llie th a t h av in g se x is n o m o re c h e a tin g o n his d e a d w ife th a n re n tin g p o rn , “o n ly y o u sa v e th e $2 re n ta l fe e ”). Carlin, in a ra re se rio u s role, k n o w s w h a t it ta k e s to raise a fam ily, a n d also w h a t it m e a n s to lose a w ife.

J e r se y G irl is a b o u t th e re la tio n sh ip b e tw e e n p a re n ts a n d c h ild ren , a n d it is full o f classic H o lly w o o d clichés. Sm ith sp e n t m an y y ears as a v id e o sto re clerk him self, w a tch in g alm ost ev ery m o v ie e v e r m a d e so, like his c o n te m p o ra ry Q u e n tin T aran tin o , he

e n se m b le — like so m e th in g o u t o f a carto o n .

T h e th e m e o f The Ladykillers a p p e a rs to b e re d e m p tio n , e x c e p t n o n e o f th e ch ara cte rs really fin d it. T h e film e n d s o n a w o n d e rfu l n o te o f p o e tic justice, b u t o n ly m ild c lo su re is a ch iev e d .

T h e stra n g e n e ss isn ’t a b a d th in g in this m ovie. The Ladykillers is fu n n y if y o u a p p re ­ cia te th e C o e n b ro th e rs ’ se n se o f h u m our.

H alf o f th e p e o p le w h o se e this m o v ie will p ro b a b ly n o t la u g h o n c e a n d th e o th e r h alf w o n ’t b e a b le to sto p . T h a t’s th e tru th a n d n o th in g m ore. ■

MOVIES.YAHOO.COM

Hanks leads a group of misfit L a d y k ille r s.

h a s a g o o d g ra sp h o w to m a k e o ld clichés lo o k fresh.

T h e b o tto m line is th a t this is n o t S m ith’s m o st original w o rk , n o r is it his m o st a m b i­ tious. B ut o n e th in g is g u a ra n te e d : y o u w ill h a v e a sm ile o n y o u r face b y th e tim e th e lights c o m e up. ■

WHAT: Jersey Girl WHO:

Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler

BY:

Kevin Smith

RATING: * * * * *

I N T E R N A T I O N A L L A N « fU A < 3 E S C H O O L S O F C A N A P A

F in a lly o ffe re d in M o n tre a l: C E R T I F IC A T E IN E N G L IS H L A N G U A G E T E A C H IN G T O A D U L T S

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A p r il 3 0 , C a fé C h a o s (2 0 3 1 S t. D e n is),

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Nilblorts, Lexiviat, Mankillsman

I have no idea what any of these bands sound like, but I do know that on the cover of the Nilblorts album is a photo of 10 guys wearing gas masks, holding nail bats and sawed off shotguns. The only way I would ever go see this band is with a police escort because I seriously think they kill people at their shows.

They’re probably insanely brutal grind. Attend at your own risk. ■

R eg . fe e => $ 3 5 .0 0

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ILSC Montréal 1134St C a th e rin e O, 310 (514) 876 4572

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

A&E 21

..minute story break. That sends the stall into a tizzy. They dash around the ollice, scurrying like the Shatner cockroaches that I see in the basement. They frantically aiork the...

Paris noguest toGest Y

o u th in k to y o u rse lf as y o u sw iftly sh u t off The Simple Life-, w h y c a n ’t Paris H ilton stay o u t o f m y face? A gonize n o further, for A m erica’s sw e e t tart is settling d o w n —

w ith D avid Gest!

T h e m o re -th a n -slig h tly in e b ria te d c o u p le w e d a t H ilto n ’s o w n h o m e , as h e r sister N icky o rd e re d a m aid to te n d to a b u rn in g effigy o f Liza M inelli o n to p o f a m ak esh ift altar. It se e m s th at G est is still a little tic k e d off a b o u t th at w h o le

e x p e rie n c e , b u t h e is lo o k in g fo rw a rd to his n e w life. “D avey d o e s g o o d ,” h e slu rre d b e fo re sw ig­ g ing m o re J a c k D a n iel’s.

H ilton, w h o alleg ed ly re fu ses to c h a n g e h e r n a m e lest h e r w e alth y legacy b e fo rg o tten , w as u n a v ailab le for c o m m e n t as sh e h a d to re tu rn to th e se t for h e r d aily ch o res. A n d yes, sh e w h in e d th e w h o le w a y to th e lim o.

T h e re ’s a b rig h t fu tu re h e re, d o n ’t y o u think?

—Liz Treutler

Queer eyeforformerlystraight guys e c e n t tre n d s h a v e sh o w n y o u n g “it” b o y s g e ttin ’ it o n w ith o ld e r w o m e n . W e w o n ­ d e r w h y , b u t Ju stin T im b e rla k e ’s c u te liai­ s o n w ith C a m e ro n D iaz a n d A sh to n K u tch er’s “m atu re re la tio n sh ip ” w ith D em i M oore h a v e b e e n all o v e r th e tabloids.

T h e g e n e ra l p u b lic w a s gettin g b o re d w ith th e se tw o so -called h e a rtth ro b s until last w e ek , w h e n it w a s a n n o u n c e d th a t b o th D iaz a n d M oore w e re o u t o f th e p ic tu re .

N e x t m o n th , Cosmopolitan will p u b lish b ra n d n e w p h o to s o f

R

WWW.BRITNEYSPEARS.ORG "W ho n e e d s a ta p e w h e n y o u h a v e a voice?" jo k e d S pears.

BritneySpears loses abilityto lip-sync ra g ed y stru ck o n c e again for B ritney S pears after a re ce n t real­ ization th a t n o t o n ly is h e r leg really “so re a n d stuff,” b u t sh e h a s also lost h e r ability to lip-sync.

D octors a re c o m p le te ly baffled a n d h a v e b e e n trying in v a in to resuscitate th is vital skill. If it is lost, Spears m ay actually h a v e to sin g o n sta g e fo r th e first tim e in h e r p re stig io u s p o p -w h o re career. H er lo n g a w a ite d d ow nfall m ay finally c o m e to p a ss b e c a u s e , o f

T

T im b erlak e h o u se -h u n tin g . “E h ” y o u say, until y o u h e a r w ith w h o m h e ’s sh a c k in g u p w ith: n o n e o th e r th a n A sh to n K utcher. T h at’s right, folks, th e re ’s lo v e in th e air, a n d th e s e tw o a re n ’t to o sh y to sh a re. T h ey h a v e b e e n sp o tte d sm o o c h in g a n d sh a rin g ice c ream c o n e s o n a v aca tio n in C ape Cod. C o n sid e rin g th e g o s s ip s u rro u n d in g T im b e rla k e ’s la c k o f e n d o w m e n t, it’s lik ely K u tch er w e a rs th e p a n ts in th e relationship.

—LT

Britney's Montreal showcancelled

co u rse, sh e c a n n o t sin g a n d d a n ce sim ultaneously.

As a result, fears h av e m o u n te d to th e b o ilin g p o in t in th e c u tth ro at c o r­ p o ra te re co rd industry a n d stocks are falling faster th a n M artha Stew art’s.

H o p e fu lly so m e d a y in th e d ista n t fu tu re , p e o p le w ill lo o k b a c k at B ritney a n d say “th e re ’s a tru e artist.”

Until th at day, h ow ever, sh e is still just

n re la te d n e w s, S p e a rs’ highly a n tic ip a te d M ontreal a p p e a ra n c e h a s b e e n c an c elled , d u e to p ro te sts from c o n c e rn e d p a re n ts a n d chil­ d re n ’s o rganizations. W ord h a d g o tte n o u t th at th a t S p ears’ s h o w is little m o re th a n “a n o v e r­ sex ed , g ratu ito u s d isp lay o f n u d ity ,” a cc o rd in g to th e M ontreal c h a p te r o f P a re n ts for th e R eduction o f U n n e ce ssary D é sh a b ille in E ntertainm ent.

“We d o n ’t th in k a n a u d ie n c e o f p re te e n girls

I

really hot.

—Matthew Arnot

sh o u ld b e e x p o s e d to th a t filth,” c o m m e n te d a n o th e r PRUDE sp o k e sp e rso n .

A relen tless c am p a ig n o f p e titio n s a n d p h o n e calls flo o d e d th e office o f M ayor G érald T rem blay, c au sin g him to c an cel th e sh o w . T h e m ale strip­ p e rs a n d sc a n d a lo u s c o stu m e s d id n o t se e m offensive to Spears. W h e n a sk e d for c o m m e n t, S pears said, “T h a t’s fu c k e d u p , y ’all.”

—Susan Cooke

...day and the pressure rises in that steamy ollice. You should see hout computer lailures drive these people insane. One person screams at the computer, calling it every name in...

Kidmangets Dirty h e Tribune h a s e x clu siv e acc ess to n e w re p o rts that N icole K idm an h a s decisively d itc h e d h e r o n -a g a in , offag ain b o y to y L enny Kravitz for a n e w e r a n d m o re p im p in g partner: OP D irty Bastard.

K idm an, k n o w n for h e r haute-

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c o u tu re re d c arp e t style, is said to b e a b a n d o n in g h e r h ig h -class H o lly w o o d im age in fav o u r o f h e r n e w m a n ’s m e a n stre ets a n d a

th u g g e d -o u t existence.

“H e ’s just so sexy... w h o d o e s ­ n ’t love a m a n w ith b lin g e d -o u t te e th ,” K idm an w a s h e a rd g u sh in g to gal-pal N aom i W atts o v e r coffee a t a n LA Starbucks.

N o w o rd o n w h e th e r o r n o t O D B h a s m e t K idm an’s p a re n ts o r h e r tw o y o u n g , in n o c e n t c h ild ren as o f yet.

—Simone Cruickshank

HipEyeFor theWhiteGuy h e c reato rs o f th e hit n e tw o rk sh o w Queer Eye for the Straight Guy re c e n tly a n n o u n c e d p la n s for a n e w reality -b ased TV sh o w , e n title d Hip Eye for the White Guy. T h e p ro g ram will follow th e sa m e successful fo r­ m ula a s its p re d ec esso r, enlisting th e h e lp o f five h ip b ro th a s’ to

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m ak e o v e r a n e w g e ek y w h ite guy e a c h w e ek . T h ese style victim s will b e m a d e -o v e r b y so m e o f th e c o o le st cats alive, in clu d in g c eleb ri­ ty Rick Ja m e s o n th e fa sh io n tip a n d n o n e o th e r th e n O l’ D irty B astard o n cu ltu re a n d lifestyle.

Radiohead and KidRockto release collaborative effort ans of both Radiohead and Kid Rock are react­ ing with confusion and mild hostility to a recent press conference, where the artists stat­ ed that they will release an album together.

“It seems like the right thing to do. We discov­ ered that we have a lot in com m on,” said Yorke.

“We met while recording our last album in LA. We bonded over a discussion of Armenian art. Kid Rock prefers the Ottoman Era, while I maintain a love for the more modern stuff. It was really quite enchanti­ ng” The joint effort should hit shelves by early fall of 2004.

Members of the Kid Rock camp grudgingly announced that they will reduce their acquisitions of Radiohead fans’ lunch money by 30 per cent over the next year, in preparation for the release of the album. Meanwhile, Radiohead supporters simply grinned as they played with shiny objects in their candlelit flats, blithely unaware of their surround­ ings or of the news.

— Stefan Szpajda

F

ATEASEWtB.COM From K id A to Kid R o d e..

—Scott Sameroff

...phones trying to get in contact with sources. They curse each other cuhen things don’t go right. Oh the things they do to beat the

D aily.

And cuhat did I see the other day? The...

22 A&E

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

...staff planning on abandoning their journalistic integrity and write fake stories. They have lost all reason, I thought to myself. Can’t really blame them though. After covering slippery...

Janet Jackson's breast: Limbof the Year Yes, it’s official, Janet Jackson’s right breast— her right, your left—has won the coveted “Limb of the Year” award given by Billboard mag­ azine for her performance in this year’s Super Bowl. The breast’s twin sister Lefty w asn’t jealous and was heard saying, “She was always the more out­ going one. I knew that between the two of us, she would be the first to come out.”

Of course, not everyone was happy for the winner.

Madonna’s tongue, which was last seen wrestling with her Britney Spears counterpart, remarked, “I don’t see what the big deal is. She’s such a boob.”

In retaliation to the insult, Righty said, “She’s just angry because she’s swallowed her way to the top only to lose to a younger, more talented limb.” . —D any Horovitz SNOPES.COM Lefty's h a lftim e sh o w to o k B illb o a r d s to p h onour.

...student politicians and slimy celebrities, I would likely make up the news too. Or maybe it’s the lack of sunshine, fresh air and healthy food that drives these people insane....

President Bushtohost Billboard MusicAwards 2 0 0 4

Our man Dubya’s all ready to hobnob with today’s young stars and starlets. George Bush recent­ ly agreed to pop away from his campaign trail for a while to host this year’s notorious Billboard Music Awards. Due to the flurry of homosexual jokes flooding last year’s event, Bush feels this role will help him promote his new network television pro­ gram, Queer Eyefor the Homophobic Guy. Security was instructed to pat down patrons of the event for weapons of mass destruction.

Among the notables invited to this year’s edi­

...Watch during any lunch hour and it looks like Tiki Ming would be out of business if it wasn’t for the

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TRIBUNE

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tion is country star Toby Keith, who will don a giant bald eagle outfit for the show. Bush will be perform­ ing a duet with Keith, singing his hit song “American Soldier.” Also, American badass Kid Rock will hook up with pop icon Jessica Simpson to add lyrics for the first time to “Hail to the Chief.”

The Dixie Chicks were ordered to stay at least 500 feet from the site at all times.

“Were gonna blow them all away,” Bush proudly exclaimed.

— Daniel Chodos

Come to think of it, it is time that I compile the best footage and sell

E m o ry

—

M ill

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T h a n k y o u T rib u n e p h o to g ra p h e rs !

Here’s to all of your talent and dedication.

Congratulations to Iw o n a Link and Y asem in E m ory, who have been selected to be next year’s Photo Editors!

—N ina & Nicole

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F e ld m a n

NHL LOCKOUT PREVIEW While there may not be any NHL hockey come October, we've got you covered. Below, JAMES SCARFONE advocates an unorthodox roster he projects should dominate September's World Cup of Hockey. On the next page, meanwhile, he goes head to head with ANDREW SEGAL over which sport has the best chance to supplant the NHL in fans' minds, and MARK KERR provides some memories of retiring NHL linesman Ray Scapinello that will keep your heart warm through all the bitter labour squabbles.

Canada will be the teamto beat is the old belief that if C anada assem bled even a third-string lin e u p , the great w hite north w ould still skate aw ay w ith the gold m edal. T hough that m ay b e true w ith th e end­ less field o f top-notch netm inders and the fact that m ore th an 50 p e r cent of the league’s m em bership is Canadian, it is m ore accurate to say that, though it m ay not consist o f the country’s best players, the roster should b e filled w ith familiarity.

T he W orld Cup, yet an o th er m ar­ keting gim m ick for G ary Bettm an’s struggling league (form er C anada Cup h e a d Alan Eagleson’s legacy n e ed e d to b e w ip e d clean for today’s familyfriendly NHL), is third o n the list of m ost c oveted cham pionships. The Stanley C up a n d the O lym pics sit on the top rungs, o f course.

Therefore, W ayne G retzky and his b uddies should have som e fun w ith this one. Key w ord: chemistry.

Play the team m ates.

Let T eam C anada play w ith the guys that they kn o w best— the skaters from their NHL team ’s lines. T hey d o n ’t have to b e the best in the gam e, b u t as w e have seen w ith the N ew York R angers and W ashington Capitals, you cannot expect to w in w ith players w h o d o n ’t kn o w each other— n o m atter h o w inflated their stats m ight be.

T hat said, it is detrim ental to C anada’s success to bring in only high profile players as w ell as rew ard those w h o perform ed superbly in Salt Lake City tw o years ago. T he goalies are not a factor in this equation since, well, they sit at the o th er e n d o f the dressing room . Also, this science canf:

not necessarily determ ine w h o the defencem en should be. B ecause there are only seven blueliners being c h o ­ sen, I will k e e p only the best o f the b est in m ind. For exam ple, Scott Stevens will n o t p articip ate just b e c a u se his u su al linem ate Scott N iederm ayer will b e o n his way.

This lineup is g uaranteed to p ro ­ d u ce results a n d co n ten d for the gold m edal against th e likes o f the US, Russia, a n d Sw eden.

Between the pipes I think it is safe to say that O lym pic saviour MaLitin Brodeur will reprise his role as the starting netm inder. T here is n o question he is the best in the w orld right now . And, like choosing Pat Q u in n as the h e ad coach, you cannot reject yo u r w inning backstop. If it ain’t b ro k e ... w ell you get the point.

R oberto Luongo sh o u ld b e B rodeur’s b a ck u p because h e has b e e n the only saving grace for the Florida Panthers the past few seasons, especially this year. T he hopelessly untalented Panthers nearly secured a playoff berth, a n d it w as all d u e to L uongo a n d his ability to k e ep his team in every gam e.

T hird string will b e a tough deci­ sion, b u t I believe Ed Belfour has w h at it takes to fill this position.

T hough he will not see m uch— if any— playing time, his veteran pres­ en ce will d o w o n d e rs for w hat will b e a decidedly younger Team C anada than w hat w e saw in 2002. Also, for his age, h e has b e e n great in rescuing T oronto’s soft defence all season.

The rearguards O n the blue line, the tandem of

Rob Blake a n d Adam Foote are g o o d bets for the to p pair­ ing. T hey play to gether in C o lorado a n d k n o w th e d epths o f international com ­ petition, w hich com plem ents their extensive Stanley Cup e x p erien c e .

Scott N iederm ayer a n d C hris P ronger will m ake u p the next duo, even tho u g h the lat­ ter has not b e e n th e force w e have seen in the past. Still, w ith P ro n g e r’s size a n d N iederm ayer’s puckhandling, it will b e tough to g et b y this pair. T he fifth a n d sixth guys will b e Bryan McCabe and Ed Jovanovski, a n d the sev­ en th defencem an should b e Sheldon Souray because of W ill S u p e r M ario u n fu rl th e R ed a n d W h ite flag o n c e again? his excellent w ork for M ontreal efit a b u n c h o f guys w h o will not have M orrison o n the checking line along this season. McCabe a n d Jovanovski that m uch practice tim e before the w ith W orld C h a m p io n sh ip h e ro are h ard-nosed guys that will punish A nson Carter. T hornton will play tournam ent. Better to pair them with o pposing forw ards dramatically. their m ates from their respective NHL w ith his B oston b u d d y Glen M urray team s so that getting u se d to one a n d sophom ore dynam o Rich Nash, Up front an o th er is not the m ost difficult task. a n d Lem ieux will b e paired w ith H ere’s w here it gets interesting.

This m ay n o t b e the final cut T am pa Bay su p e rsta rs V incent This is w h ere chem istry is the m ost Lecavalier and M artin St. Louis, w h e n the G reat O n e a n d his staff essential. m ake the decision in May, but it cer­ w h o will form the m o d ern day ver­ T h ere is n o d o u b t M ario tainly is interesting to p o n d e r the p o s­ sion o f the French Connection.

Lemieux, Joe Sakic, Paul Kariya, sibilities for a team from a country that T hese selections w o u ld m ake a and Jaro m e Iginla should return to can ice several top-notch squads. ■ lot o f noise, but they w o u ld also b e n ­ Team Canada. T hey played very well for their country as b oth leaders and perform ers a n d m ust b e rew arded.

They are also in a league o f their ow n w h e n co m pared w ith o th er Canadian players. Lem ieux will b e m uch health­ ier in Septem ber a n d will live u p to the expectations p e o p le have for him.

Joe T h o rn to n a n d B rendan M orrison will join Lem ieux a n d Sakic do w n the m iddle for Canada. Fellow linem ate Todd Bertuzzi will play with

D e s p ite t h e t o u r n a m e n t's u n p r e d ic ta b le y e a r, w e w a n t to th a n k o u r m o s t g e n e r o u s s p o n s o rs

Team Canada

a s w ell a s th o s e w h o p a r tic ip a te d in o u r p o o l.

Kariya Nash Lecavalier Bertuzzi

Sakic Thornton Lemieux Morrison

Iginla Murray St.

P ita P it

24 Sports P R O F IL E

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004 N a t io n a l H o c k e y L e a g u e

Scrappy Scapinello's ending all lined up Mark Kerr If o n e o f th e m ost d e sired p lac es to sit at a h o c k ey g a m e is at ice level a lo n g th e b lu e line, th en v e te ra n NHL lin e sm a n Ray Scapinello has h a d th e b e st seat in th e h o u se fo r th e p a st 33 seasons.

F or m o re th a n 2,500 regular s e a s o n g a m e s a n d 400 p lay o ff m atches, S capinello h a s stra d d le d th e b lu e line, d o w n o n o n e k n ee, re ad y to b lo w his w histle if so m u ch as a sliver o f a p lay er s sk ate en ters th e z o n e b e fo re th e puck.

S o u n d like a d re am job for a n y obsessed hockey fan?

F or Scapinello, it d o e s n o t get m u c h b e t­ ter.

“My job is n o t w ork, it’s fun. I am o n th e ice w ith th e greatest play ­ ers in th e w o rld ,” says th e 57-yearold G u elp h , O ntario, native.

B ut it all c o m e s to a n e n d this year. T h e c u rre n t re co rd h o ld e r for m o st reg u lar a n d play o ff g am es w o rk e d will retire at the e n d o f th e se a so n .

S c a p in e llo — w h o has m a n n e d the lines at th e C anada Cup, th e O lym pics a n d m an y o th e r m ajor h o c k e y e v en ts— b eliev es th e re is n o th in g left for him to accom plish.

“I h ave re a c h e d every goal that has b e e n th ro w n at m e,” h e says.

“It’s just tim e.”

C onsidering th at h e started offi­ ciating just to stay involved in th e

gam e, it h a s n ’t b e e n to o b a d o f a c are er for Scapinello. After his play ­ ing days e n d e d — n o t g o o d e n o u g h to g o pro , b y his o w n adm ission— S cap in ello sta rte d to w o rk local ga m e s in G uelph.

H e m o v e d u p th ro u g h th e O n tario H o ck ey A ssociation ranks, eventually e arn in g a n invitation to a NHL ro o k ie c a m p fo r re fe re es.

D esp ite n o t getting th e call his first year, h e re ce iv e d a n o th e r invitation th e n e x t se a so n , a n d in 1971, h e e n te re d th e league.

“I n e v e r ev en c o n te m p la te d it,” re sp o n d s Scapinello w h e n a sk e d if h e e v e r th o u g h t h e w o u ld m ak e a c a re e r o u t o f officiating h o c k ey g am es. “I w a s just in th e right p lace at th e right tim e a n d things sn o w ­ b a lle d from th e re .”

From his h u m b le begin n in g s, Scapinello h a s b e c o m e o n e o f th e m o st re sp e c te d officials in th e g am e today. H e said th a t it to o k a long tim e to e arn th e re sp ec t o f th e play­ ers a n d coaches, b u t it eventually c am e as h e carried him self w ith integrity a n d honesty. T h e key for all officials, acco rd in g to Scapinello, “is h o w y o u h a n d le y o u rse lf in crucial situ atio n s... th at y o u d o n o t yell at th e players a n d th e coaches.

“W h en I cam e in to th e league, I had to e a rn [resp ec t],” a d d s Scapinello. “T h e play ers a n d co ac h ­ e s w e re q u e stio n in g m y ev ery call

a n d constantly p u sh in g m e to see h o w far I w o u ld g o .”

W atch a g a m e th at Scapinello officiates a n d it w o n ’t b e th e m issed calls y o u notice. It will b e th e w hite a n d b lack flash, darting in to scrum s, arm s h e ld o u t w id e, re ad y to restrain th e b e h e m o th sp e c ie s o f th e sp o rt­ ing kingdom .

A fter b re a k in g u p c o u n tle ss scuffles o v e r his career, Scapinello feels th a t fighting sh o u ld n o t b e b a rre d from th e gam e.

“It has b e e n th ere since day o n e a n d it is an a cc ep te d fact,” h e says.

H e b eliev es that, d e sp ite w h a t so m e p u n d its m ay say, th e players re sp ec t e a c h o th e r just as m u ch as th e y did 30 years ago.

“It is su c h a n e m o tio n al g a m e ,” h e explains. “I believe that it is fierce c o m p e titio n a n d n o t a lac k o f respect. T he a m o u n t o f incidents is a sm all p e rce n ta g e c o m p a re d to the n u m b e r o f gam es. T h ey a re not e v ery d ay o c c u rre n ce s.”

Is this th e o p in io n o f a future H all o f Fam er? T h ere a re currently o nly 14 referees a n d lin esm en in the shrine. Scapinello w o u ld ultim ately like to b e th e 15th.

“B eing in d u cte d into th e Hall o f F am e w o u ld b e th e u ltim ate h o n ­ o u r,” h e says. “If y o u w e re to call m e th e n e x t day, th at w o u ld b e th e greatest m o m e n t o f m y c are er.” ■

PROHOSTINC.COM S capinello w ill miss skating w ith hockey's elite.

E D IT O R S 1 D E B A T E

National Lacrosse League vs. Major League Soccer With good marketing, hockey would be a more popular sport than basket­ ball in the US. This is where a similar game comes in.

The National Lacrosse League is an exciting brand of sport that has come a long way since it abandoned its Major Indoor Lacrosse League moniker nearly seven years ago. Back then, teams were primarily located in mid-size eastern US cities, playing to scarce crowds in big arenas—well below any sports fan’s radar.

These days, though, the league has seen an incredible jump in attendance, western expansion, and a strong dynasty in Toronto—the NLL’s biggest market.

In fact, in Toronto, the Rock plays to consistently sold-out crowds at the Air Canada Centre that fill the building with a good deal of energy. Remember, this is Toronto; a city that could not get out of bed to support the Doug Flutie-powered Argos. It is really quite impressive for a city that is chastised for not cheer­ ing on teams not called the Maple Leafs, to bring a wealth of enthusiasm to a sport that is not wildly popular. Having a championship-calibre team in your most important market can only mean good things for the league as a whole Out west, a region that is traditionally a bridesmaid when it comes to the establishment of new leagues, there has been a steady rise in the num ber of lacrosse teams, even outnumbering those in the east. Another positive.

Further, it is a dynamic sport, hence the high attendance numbers. Soccer is too slow for North Americans to enjoy, no matter how many World Cup trips the US earns. And what did the 1980 Olympic gold medal do for hockey down south? Zip. Born and bred in Canada, lacrosse features exciting hits, blistering shots, a quick pace, and its share of in-game trash talk.

Sounds like a certain other popular sport, does it not?

—James Scarfone

Unfortunately, for the NLL, lacrosse’s similarity to hockey isn’t beneficial, it is problematic: hockey is neither popular with, nor in the consciousness of, most American sports fans. In order for a sport to crack the elite triumvirate of baseball, basketball and football, it needs to appeal to those across the US, as NASCAR has done.

Meanwhile, no NCAA lacrosse champion has ever come from a state not touch­ ing the Atlantic Ocean. That’s why soccer is next in line to win sports fans’ precious viewing minutes.

Although soccer has been largely ignored in the past, it now has everything to appeal to the average Ameri-centric sports fan. Major League Soccer is a financially solvent league that has, for the meantime, capped its number of teams at 10 so expansion doesn’t dilute the quality of play. MLS teams are also spread equally across the country, but MLS is at an advantage over the NLL in terms of market size.

There are soccer franchises in seven of the 10 largest US cities, as well as five of the top 10 Hispanic markets, guaranteeing that diverse audiences will continue to swell.

Also, soccer has recently garnered cachet in the US sports pantheon, something lacrosse doesn’t have. America’s trip to the 2002 World Cup quarterfinals made the US a soccer-mad nation, and even if it was only for a few days, the effects are bound to carry over to support domestic soccer.

There are two more notable things working in soccer’s favour: MLS’s broadcast­ ing contract with ABC/ESPN—including a dedicated TV time slot for “Soccer Saturday”—and the mystique, star power and promotability of 14-year-old phenom Freddy Adu. This confluence of factors makes soccer ready to be sports’ U2: a popular European import that makes a run at the top. Lacrosse, however, seems destined to be The Tragically Hip: another in a long line of Canadians that, while entertaining, just can’t catch on south of the border.

—A ndrew Segal

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Sports 25

MOM WONT BE HAPPY WITH THESE GRADES Redmcn Hockey A purely quantitative MVP: Bruno Lemire evaluation of the Redmen Grade: Bhockey season would fail to take into account a much larger and more important aspect: experience. When several of the team’s seniors graduated last spring, the Redmen knew that this was going to be a season for rebuilding, but they fared quite well nonetheless.

Head Coach Martin Raymond helped make the DANSUSKI Redmen competitive by bringing exciting new talent to the roster, including forwards Shawn Shewchuk and Lucas Madill. Rookie first-string goaltender Patrice Godin also proved that he has what it takes to be a top-flight backstop.

The Redmen struggled through the growing pains that are expected from a young team, but—led by returning veterans such as leading scorer and team captain Bruno Lemire—came together, worked hard and learned lessons from their tough losses. With that in mind, the Red ‘n’ White performed admirably, finishing the regular season with a 9-9-42 record and missing the Quebec playoffs by just one point.

If this is any indication of their potential, next season should bring good things for the boys in red. With most of the players returning in the fall, they can continue to build on the invaluable experience gained this year.

— Michael Liew

Redmen Basketball The men’s basketball MVP: Denburk Reid ream, comprised of 10 firstGrade: C+ or second-year players, strug­ gled yet again in the highly competitive Quebec University Basketball League, fin­ ishing in fourth place with a disappointing 4-12 league record. The Redmen were able to qualify for a playoff spot by finishing ahead of expansion Université du Québec à Montréal, but were downed by Laval 87-63 in their only playoff game.

In addition to inexperience, Head Coach Nevio Marzinotto cited weak defence and a lack of concentration as reasons for the team’s lacklus­ tre record, but refused to say that the loss of centre Pawan Sidhu to a head injury midway through the season was a factor.

Even the leadership and talent of veteran Denburk Reid couldn’t help the Redmen. The 5’7” point guard set a number of records, including a single-game McGill record for a point guard with 36 points and the single-season assists record with 137. The one-two punch of Reid and transfer student Derek Armstrong, who were selected first and second team QUBL all-stars, respectively, sparked the Redmen on the offensive end, but the undersized team had a lot of difficulty rebounding.

On the bright side, the team is still young and can only improve. If Reid and Armstrong both play out their final year of eligibility, the team has a realistic chance of making the playoffs again next year.

— Nicole Haris

Swimming Coming Outstanding male: Ryan Tomicic off the 2003 season, in Outstanding female: Heather Bell which the Grade: B women a n d _____ men finished third and fifth, respectively, at the CIS championships, great things were expected of McGill’s swimmers.

Despite the Mardets winning the Quebec dtle and Head Coach François Laurin being named Quebec NINAZACHARIADES Student Sport Federation coach of the year, the results at 2004 nationals were below par.

The women fell to fifth at the championships, while the men finished eighth—a far cry from expectations for teams with top-three potential. The men’s slide was the most precip­ itous; it began with the Quebec conference final, in which the host Redmen lost the provin­ cial crown to l’Université de Montréal, and continued at nationals, where only Ryan Tomicic was able to medal.

The Mardets provided most of the thrills at the championships, with Michelle Laprade taking the gold medal and breaking the CIS championship record in the 50m breaststroke, and Heather Bell and Carolyn McCabe each winning a silver medal. Bell also earned a bronze in the 50m backstroke, and the team garnered a silver in the 4x100m medley relay.

Laprade and Bell will likely be back with the team next year, perhaps giving the Martlets a chance to return to the upper levels of the sport in Canada. The men, however, may lose the fourth-year Tomicic, which will give the team a long climb back to the top.

— Andrew Segal

Martlets' Hockey MVP: Véronique Lapierre The Red ‘n’ Grade: B+ White capped off an exciting year with a hard-fought—if not disappointing—bronze-medal performance at the nationals. The team went 11-3-3 in the Quebec conference regular season, but lost to a sur­ prisingly strong Ottawa team in the first round of the playoffs.

If the Martlets didn’t play at full capacity because DANSUSKI they knew they had an automatic berth in the nation­ als as hosts, they will not make the same mistake next year. McGill’s seeding in the tourna­ ment dropped because the team failed to qualify the old fashioned way, and the Martlets were subsequently placed in a pool with eventual champion Alberta.

Fortunately for next year’s Martlets, they will lose only a few members to graduation and are returning a large core of players who will be eager to try again for the title on home ice, as McGill will also host the 2005 tourney. Quebec Student Sport Federation MVP and second-team All-Canadian Véronique Lapierre may not be back, but Kalie Townsend will reprise her role in goal after proving herself this year with an 11-8-2 overall record and a 1.92 goals against average. The Martlets also have several goal scorers returning to the line­ up, including young linemates Véronique Sanfaçon and Christine Hartnoll.

— Karen Kelly

Martlets' Basketball MVP: Cheeka Mitchell While the team showed signs of improve­ Grade: B ment and maturity on the court, consistency was still lacking. This ultimately led to a seventh straight losing season in Quebec confer­ ence play.

The return of team captain Cheeka Mitchell from injury helped ignite the Martlets, as first-year Head Coach Ryan Thorne led the team to a 16-14 overall NICOLELEAVER record and 6-10 conference mark—as many Quebec University Basketball League wins as in the past three seasons combined. However, this was only good enough to give the Martlets a fourth-place finish, and the season ended with a loss to eventual QUBL champion Bishop’s in the con­ ference semifinals.

Mitchell stood out as she led the team in scoring, field-goal percentage and steals, earn­ ing her QUBL first team all-star honours. The play of her supporting cast also provided optimism for the future. This talent includes forward Anne-Marie Scherrer, who was the league’s top rebounder, averaging 6.2 per game, and sophomore guard Marie-Eve BeaulieuDemers, who ranked fifth in the league in steals and second in assists.

— Nicole Haris

Track and Field Outstanding male: Jim Merrick The A IIC Redmen Outstanding female: Troye Carrington a n d Grade: C+ M artlet tra c k and field teams found themselves in the midst of a tran­ sition year after losing several star athletes to gradua­ tion.

Key injuries added to the team’s woes, but a season benii feldman in which the men finished last in the 19-team field at the CIS championships and the women’s finish of 15th out of 16 was still disappointing.

The season was not entirely lost, however, as some team members made significant progress in their attempts to replace departed standouts like All-Canadian Sarah Ali-Khan.

They included Hannah Moffatt, last year’s Quebec conference track rookie of the year, who earned the Martlets their only point at nationals with a sixth place finish in the pole vault, and sprinter Troye Carrington, who won three gold medals as McGill took the Quebec Student Sport Federation championships.

The men are behind the women in terms of development, but the Redmen did see strong performances from individuals such as runner Jeff McCabe and shot putter Jim Merrick, who was on loan from the Redmen football team.

The attitude coming from Tomlinson Fieldhouse now is one of optimism and excite­ ment. Hopefully the lumps that the track and field team took this year will make them stronger next year and beyond.

— Mohit Arora

F IT N E S S S R E C R E A T IO N C LA SSE S SPRING 2 0 0 4

MAY 10 - JUNE 21

| COURSE

DAY & T IM E

1AQUATICS *S.C.U.B.A. - * B egins M ay 8 Adult Learn to Swim

COST

W KS

White, Blue, Green Bronze Silver, Gold Swim Fit Swim (Private)

Saturday Tuesday Saturday Saturday Saturday Mon & Wed

By Appointment

09:00 -15:00 18:30 -19:25 11:15 -12:10 10:30 -11:10 11:15 -11:55 19:30 - 20:25

256.47/282.55 26.95/39.99 26.95/39.99 26.95/39.99 26.95/39.99 41.73/67.81 15.65/19.99

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 1 / 2 hr

DANCE Belly Dance Latin Dance

Wednesday Tuesday

17:00 -17:55 19:00 - 20:25

41.73/54.97 32.16/45.21

6 wks 6 wks

09:00 -19:00

82.59/106.07

2 days

CPR Re-Cert Classic Cardio Boot Camp Hatha Yoga Pilâtes Power Yoga Weight Training (Private) Personal Fitness Appraisal

Sat., May 15 Sun., May 16 Sat., May 15 Mon & Wed Mon & Wed Mon & Wed Tues & Thurs Tues & Thurs

By Appointment

By Appointment

09:00 -16:00 18:30 -19:25 18:30 -19:25 17:30 -18:40 13:00 -13:55 17:00 -17:55

39.12/45.21 19.12/45.21 24.34/50.42 28.69/54.77 56.51/82.59 22.60/48.68 35.64/39.99 39.99/43.34

day wks wks wks wks wks 90 min 90 min

PAY - AS - YOU - GO FITNESS Taebox Power Yoga Step Boot Camp Hi-Lo Spin

Tuesday Wednesday Monday Friday Thursday Wednesday

17:30 -18:25 17:30 -18:25 17:30 -18:25 17:30 -18:25 17:30 -18:25 17:30 -18:15

$2.18/ 1 ticket

April 29 to June 29

$4.35/2 tickets

Kayaking (White Water) Rock Climbing

Friday Sunday Sunday, May 16 Saturday, May 29 *f Saturday, June 5 Sat. &Sun., June 5 &6 Saturday, May 15

19:00 - 21:00 13:30 -15:30 All Day All Day All Day Weekend All Day

126.06/130.41 126.06/130.41 37.39/41.73 37.39/41.73 37.39/41.73 200.00/210.06 65.21/69.55

6 wks 6 wks 1 day 1 day 1 day 2 days 1 day

MARTIAL ARTS Moo Kwang Tae Kwon Do Kickboxing

Mon & Wed Tues & Thurs

19:00 - 20:30 17:30 -19:00

27.82/53.90 27.82/53.90

6 wks 6 wks

Monday Tuesday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Thursday Friday Saturday

By Appointment Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Saturday Sunday Tue & Thur

By Appointment

By Appointment Tuesday Wednesday

By Appointment

By Appointment

18:30 - 20:30 18:00 -19:15 19:20 - 20:35 19:00 - 20:15 18:00 -19:15 19:20 - 20:35 18:00 - 20 :0 0 10 :0 0 - 12 :0 0

$18.26/22.60 22.60/31.30 22.60/31.30 22.60/31.30 22.60/31.30 22.60/31.30 18.26/22.60 18.26/22.60 18.26/22.60 46.95/58.25 30.43/41.73 55.67/66.94 30,43/41.73 55.67/66.94 55.67/66.94 83.46/109.54 18.26/22.60 10.87/13.91pp 30.43/43.47 30.43/43.47 18.26/22.60 10.87/13.91pp

2 wks

FITNESS & WELLNESS First AidXCPR Basic

OUTDOOR PURSUITS Equestrian Hiking

SPORTS Golf

1 6 6 6 6 6

AT H L E T I C S 2 0 0 4

S P R IN G & S U M M E R S E S S IO N

Registration o p en s A p ril 26, 2004 in the S p o rts Com plex T h ro u g h t h e s p rin g a n d s u m m e r m o n th s , McGill s t u d e n t s m u s t p u r c h a s e a m e m b e r s h ip in o r d e r t o g a in a c c e ss t o t h e S p o rts C o m p le x . S p e c ia l s t u d e n t r a te s a r e in e f f e c t f o r all t h o s e w h o w e r e r e g i s t e r e d t h r o u g h t h e 2 0 0 4 w i n t e r s e m e s te r .

1

Golf (Private) Tennis (All Levels)

Tennis (Private) Tennis (Semi-Private) Squash Intro Squash (Private) Squash (Semi-Private) STAFF PROGRAMS Aqua Fitness Badminton Belly Dance Body Design Easy Rider Hatha Yoga 1 Hatha Yoga II Pilâtes Riders on the Storm Power Yoga Lite Recess Tennis Tai Chi

18:00 -19:55 17:15-18:25 18:00 -19:55 17:15 -18:25 10:00 -11:55 10:00 -11:55 18:30 -19:55

17:30 -18:25 18:00 -18:55

FU LL S P R IN G & S U M M E R M E M B E R S H IP

4 wks 4 wks 4 wks 4 wks 4 wks 2 wks 2 wks 45 min 5 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 1 hr 1 hr 6 wks 6 wks 3/4 hr 3/4 hr

M c G ill S tu d e n ts

$99

STUDENT MAY SPECIAL $33 • Non-members registered in courses may use the facility only during their designated class times.

• Most classes begin the week of May 10 and run through week of June 2 1, 2004.

• Pay-As-You-Go classes begin May 3 and run until June 25, 2004.

• Classes will not be held May 24, 2004.

A ll p r i c e s l i s te d d o n o t i n c l u d e G ST & Q S T ?

Mon & Wed Mon & Wed Tues & Friday Tues & Thurs Tues & Thurs Mon & Wed Mon & Wed Tues & Thurs Mon & Wed Mon & Wed Mon., Wed. & Fri. Mon & Wed Mon & Wed

IN F O :

12:15 - 13:00 12:15 -13:00 12:00 -12:45 12:30 -13:15 13:00 -13:45 13:00 -13:45 12:00 -12:45 12:00 -12:45 13:00 -13:45 12:00 -12:45 12:30 -13:15 13:00 -13:45 13:00 -13:45

3 9 8 - 7 0 0 0

13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04 13.04

o r

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks 6 wks

SUMMER 2 0 0 4 SESSION II | COURSE 1OUTDOOR ADVENTURES Hiking

SPORTS Tennis (All Levels)

JULY 7 - AUGUST 17

DAY & T IM E

COST

W KS

**Sat, July 10 **Sat, July 31 Sat, August 21

All Day All Day All Day

37.39/45.20 37.39/45.20 37.39/41.73

1 day 1 day 1 day

Monday Wednesday Tues & Thurs

18:00 -19:10 18:00 -19:55 18:00 -19:10

30.43/41.73 55.67/66.94 60.86/86.93

6 wks 6 wks 6 wks

w w w .a t h le t ic s . m c g ill.c a

The McGill Tribune, Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Whaf’s y

Sports 27

ouBeef

Pity poor Colin Campbell, who has been busier than usual dishing out sus­ pensions to the NHL’s dirtiest players in the wake of a hit by some guy named Todd Bertuzzi... Gee, what a surprise that the legendary M ark M essier was only given a two-game suspension for his vicious spear two weekends ago, while known brute Wade Belak was handed eight games for—though equally vicious—an obviously more accidental high-sticking irifraction. The NHL certainly considers other factors when contemplating the length of suspensions, which puts forth the debate on bringing in a written formula for these decisions... Both CBS and S p o rtsn et did terrible jobs of switching to critical moments of NCAA to u rn a m e n t games that weren’t the national broadcast. If these networks are going to continue to monopolize coverage in their respective countries, they’ve got to do a better job... The sorry state of A thens and its venues for this summer’s upcoming O lym pic Games has proved right the naysayers who believed the IOC didn’t consider which city could actu­ ally be the best host, and instead rewarded the city that did a great job in, oh, 1896.

Ex-McGill star signs w ith NFL's Jets Former McGill football star Randy Chevrier, who played for the Grey Cup­ winning Edmonton Eskimos last season, has signed with the New York Jets of the National Football League. Chevrier, a native of St-Leonard, was a free agent after spending parts of the last two seasons as a long-snapper and special teams player with the Eskimos. Fie has previous NFL experience with Jacksonville, Dallas and Cincinnati.

In 2001, Chevrier was drafted by the Jaguars, becoming only the second Quebec university player ever drafted by an NFL team and the first from Canadian Interuniversity Sport since 1995. He became just the second McGill player to move on to the NFL. J.P. Darche of the Seattle Seahawks is the other.

T h a n k v o u s . . . ____________________________________________________________________________________ _____ Kim St-Pierre, Anand Pillai and the National Hockey League. These are just a few things the sports editors will miss next year. But most of all, we will miss the dedication and hard work of our most excellent and adventurous staff writers Some will be leaving us for good, others returning to help fork out more sports items. Thank you to the following biatehes: Adam Klevinas, Andrew Patton, Ben Raby, Caitlin M Buckley, Catherine Kramarczuk, Dan McQuillan, Daniel Chodos, David Allard, Frederic Gauthier, Jameel Madhany, Jamie Hull, Jonathan Klein, Joe Gilgoff, Karen Kelly, Meghan O’Reilly, Michael Liew, Mike Mahoney (who will also be missed on the gridiron), Mohit Arora, Nicole Haris, Omar Rawji, Shelby Parnes and William Renner. The editors would also like to give an extra special thanks to our informant in the athletics department, Earl Zukerman, who worked tirelessly this year to help us put out a spectacular section. We are also pleased to announce the hiring of Mohit Arora as the newest sports editor He and Andrew Segal will lx.* leading the way in 200-1-2005.

Congratulations to you both!

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R edm en basketball star D erek Arm strong aw oke last w e ek to discov­ e r that w h en pulled, his arm s a n d legs could ex ten d to four tim es the length o f his body, a developm ent that led team m ates to nicknam e him “Stretch."

“Stretch” Arm strong’s incredible legs and arm s also have the ability to snap right back into place after being tugged.

...years ago. So let’s forgive the

“I’m shocked, quite frankly, but I’m thrilled,” Armstrong said of his newfound stretchability. “Think of the implications of this for my basketball career—[7’5”1 Yao Ming’s got nothing on me now. I can dunk while stand­ ing at the foul line.”

The changes to his limbs were not the only difference Armstrong noticed. The 24-year-old found that

T rib u n e

w h e n he cut him self shaving, blood did not em erge, but rather, the viscous goop that gives his limbs their elastic­ ity. And u p o n attem pting to dress, Arm strong further realized that his entire closet contained nothing but dozens o f pairs o f m iniscule black briefs.

“That’s been the only dow nside so far,” A rm strong rem arked.

“Hopefully, I can buy some new clothes, and they won’t disappear into thin air like my last ones did. But, hey, check out my superhero-like abs and chest.”

Since his transformation, Armstrong has also been seen around campus of with an equally-stretchy monster and pink octopus. ■

M r. S e a n M a n l e y (General Manager)

Fax:

(51A) 3 8 2 -7 7 0 6 Email: marchecentral@golftown.com

—Andrew Segal

staff for writing fake stories as...

H o c k e y o u t, c h e e rle a d in g in With the success of the McGill cheerleading squad this season, the athletics department has decided to fund the Red ‘n’ White cheerleaders for the first time in school history. To make room for the spirited bunch, the department eliminated the Martlet and Redmen hockey teams from the budget.

Money for the cheerleading team will reportedly go to uniforms, smile machines, and improving self­ esteem. The team will also benefit from an increase in scouting so that McGill can feature more male cheer­ leaders.

“We feel w e’re lacking in that area [men], and we must meet ethi­ cal standards,” said Director of Athletics Robert Dubeau.

A sked w h y h o c k ey w as c h o se n for e lim in a tio n , D u b e a u re p lied , “Well, I m ean, n o b o d y g o e s to the g am es anyw ay. A nd it’s n o t like w e ’v e w o n a n y national c h am p i­ o n sh ip s recently. W hat a re w e really losing?”

“I’m pissed!” said R ed m en H ead C oach M artin R aym ond ab o u t th e d e p a rtm e n t’s decision. “H o w th e [expletive] are w e going to w in now?

' -

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3 8 L o c a tio n s A c r o s s C a n a d a a s o f M a y 1st We c o u ld n ’t e v e n [expletive] w in w ith th e b u c k s w e h a d anyw ay, so I w o n d e r h o w [expletive] w e ’re going to b e next year.”

R aym ond w o u ld n o t com m ent o n th e im plication th a t th e school pay s its h o c k ey players u n d e r th e table, since th ere is n o e v id en ce that n e w uniform s o r o th er intangibles that c o m e o u t o f th e b u d g e t actually help w in h o c k ey gam es. ■

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