T t t f M CGILL T R IB U N E
Tuesday, M arch 31, 1987
Published by the Students' Society o f M c G ill U nive rsity
V olum e 6, Issue 24
MAP HEADS INTERNATIONAL DRUG RING by Ezra Greenberg and Jennifer Henderson ,RCMP officers arrived at McGill Ad ministrative offices this afternoon with search warrants and subpoenas for several top officials. As it now appears, the McGill Ad vancement Program (MAP) — set up by the Board of Governors (BoG) to raise money for the university through the private sector — has in fact been at the top of a multi-million dollar interna tional drug ring. A top MAP official whose identity has not been disclosed, is said by sources close to the investigation to have set up a vast network involving international drug smuggling, local distribution, and several money laundering corporations in off-shore banking havens. When questioned, BoG officials claimed that they had absolutely no knowledge of these operations prior to being approached by RCMP officers. Said one offical, "It was strictly a rogue operation." Although many details of the opera tion remain unclear, investigators have been able to uncover the basic structure of the illicit fund-raising operations, set out in a document found in a MAP safe. An RCMP officer who refused to be identified described the evolution of the network as follows: The top MAP official hired a former business associate — who purportedly had underworld connec-
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tions — to smuggle drugs from the Mid dle East and Central America. This associate is also the owner of an interna tional shipping firm which regularly im ports freight into Montreal. Furthermore, it appears that the notorious $100 Course Materials Charge was used as start-up capital for the whole operation. Drugs were distributed to the local market through a vast network of dealers organised by MAP. According to one source, the Montreal Urban Community Police was also con nected with the operation. It appears that the MUC was paid off by MAP to eliminate competition on the streets by arresting only independent dealers. The MAP official enlisted McGill graduates to set up 'straw' corporations and bank accounts in Switzerland, the Cayman Islands and other off-shore banking havens. Money from the illicit drug sales was then laundered through these sources, and thus disguised as legitimate donations from former McGill students. In a related development, several Engineering students have disclosed that Fuel Air Explosives research is actually research concerning cocaine processing procedures. It seems that MAP officials were attempting to discover a more effi cient refining process which would enable them to import coco paste and refine it at McGill, thereby greatly in creasing their profit margin.
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Johnston Doubles As Talk Show Host by Bob Frostain Sources close to the Principal's office say that McGill has been run by come dian and Tonight Show host Johnny Carson for the last three years. The sources, who refuse to be named, point to the striking resemblance between Carson and McGill Principal David Johnston. According to the insider, a job ex change arranged between Carson and Johnston three years ago is expected to be revealed publicly some time in the next few weeks. The decision to reveal all is being made because of reports of Johnston's apparently strange and un characteristic behaviour of late. Members of the Board of Governors have reported that Johnston has taken lit tle interest in meetings recently, preferr ing to sit at a small desk playing nervous ly with a pencil. When addressing other members of the Board or Senate, Johnston has first asked them where they will be appearing next. "I thought it was very odd that the Principal should ask me whether I had any dates in Lake Tahoe or Vegas within the next few weeks," said student Governor David Schulze.
Other members have reported even more bizarre disruptions of meetings. At a tense meeting of the Board of Gover nors two weeks ago where the question of Fuel Air Explosions Research was discussed and referred to Committee, the gallery was entertained during the break by a couple of tunes from Doc Severinson. When Principal Johnston entered the meeting he paused before speaking, sw inging an imaginary golf club. His speech to the floor consisted primarily of well-worn jokes. Strangest of all was a mysterious, tall, portly man who stood just off the podium, emitting thunderous laughter in response to even the most sickening of the jokes. It was the first. McCill Daily of the 1983-84 school year which first remark ed on the similarity between the Prin cipal and the American comedian., Johnston, whose own celebrity status in cludes having been a minor character in Erich Segal's A Love Story, probably con tacted Carson after the article appeared and suggested a swap, just for fun. Unfortunately, say sources in the F. Cyril James Administration Building,
after tasting success in Hollywood, Johnston refused to return to McGill. He has succeeded so well in convincing Carson's colleagues that he is the real
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Carson that all the real Carson's attempts STOCKHOLM (TRAP) — Ten years ago to return to the Left Coast have met with 30 year old Canadians were told that they were in the same physical condi failure. In recent weeks, however, Carson's tion as a 60 year old Swede. In a re Hollywood colleagues have begun to cent development, the Swede, Bjorn suspect that something was wrong with Lundquist, was pronounced dead on the longtime Tonight Show host. Open arrival at Stockholm General Hospital ing monologues on the show have con after being hit by a snowmobile while sisted of budget reports and dialogues on swimming naked in a small hole in the the importance of a good education to ice near his home. Canadians are ad the quality of life. Show regulars Severin vised that they can stop exercising any son and McMahon decided to pay more time. attention to the pleas of the "Johnston" at McGill and visit him here. Officials in Administration refuse to comment on the reports themselves, but say that if they are true, "Carson is one Major Discovery Made of the most effective university ad ST. JOHN'S (Rooters) — a new study ministrators around." Across campus, says that gravity is a force to bee Students' Society is tight-lipped, but say reckoned with. "You can really hurt that rumours that SSMU President Paul yourself by abusing gravity," said a Pickersgill is in reality David Letterman scientist from his bed in St. John's Memorial Hospital. are false.
News Briefs
Inside DAILY PHOTO
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TORONTO — McDonalds' of Canada Ltd. announced today that it intends to follow through on its bid to acquire McGill University. Phil Etophish, presi dent of the company, told reporters at a news conference that "McGill will be a snappy addition" to its investment port folio and that the acquisition would "clean up the McDonalds' image with youth, which is pretty sloppy right now." Etophish said that along with the com pany's recent acquisitions of the Mc Cain's Food Company of New Brunswick and Maclean's Magazine of Toronto, buying McGill University will
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be "a nice finishing touch to our port folio sandwich." He added that he ex pects McGill to be the "meat" of that portfolio. Etophish later told the Tribune private ly that McDonalds will institute major changes at McGill. He revealed that his special assistant, Karen Smile, will have to move to Montreal from Toronto for a month so that the company can "get a handle on things." A source at the Peel Street McDonalds' outlet said that the com pany's plans include installing golden arches over the Roddick Gates and "brightening the place up a bit." The
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same source said the main campus would be adorned with a Ronald McDonaldland Playground and that all academic staff will have to "tie their hair back and wear name tags." As well, the company's image-makers will try to "add life to some of McGill's drab old buildings” by creating several McDonald's mini-outlets around cam pus. One is already being thrown together for McLennan Library. There will also be "new, original artwork hanging everywhere." The company intends to establish its Academic branch headquarters at McGill's McDonald College in Ste-Anne
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de Bellevue and grow its produce and raise its cattle there. One of the strong highlights of the press conference in Toronto came when McDonald's president, Phil Etophish, announced that McGill's new Principal will be American evangelist-wife Tam my Bakker. When contacted at the Betty Ford Clinic in F“alm Springs, where she is undergoing treatment for a tiny drug pro-
blem, Bakker said she was "delighted at the prospect of flying up to Montreal for a couple of weeks a year." Bakker said her plans for the university are to "raise it to that highest level of standards." She said she was so "tickled pink" about having a "McUniversity" that she, wanted to "rush out and mail everyone a hash brown."