Massive Wellington Orientation Special 2016

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WELLINGTON 2016

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CONTENTS

08 First Year, First Challenges...

10 Honk the Horse

05 Welcome to Wellington 03 Editorial

12 Five Party Starters

07 Whaddya Reckon?

11 Five Films for First Years

04 Wellllington Presidential Address

09 The Nose 13 Five Albums for Studying

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Editorial

My first few experiences at Massey were quite something. Coming from a small whitebaiting station called New Plymouth, I’d never before seen the bright lights and big smoke of a city the size of Palmerston North. Although the journey only took 2 days on our family mule, Palmerston North felt like a different country – a country I’d have to navigate and learn the customs of all by myself.

It didn’t take me long to unwittingly insult the coninhabitants in my hostel. Growing up, I’d never seen a flushing toilet, let alone running water. My new colleagues were thoroughly appalled when, as my upbringing dictated, I started defecating on the lawn immediately opposite our hostel. This was not an ideal start to my first morning at university.

I won back many of my coninhabitants when, armed with only my trusty family stick, I brought them all back some game I’d killed just off campus during my first night. Grilled ribs had always been a crowdpleaser back in New Plymouth, so I was glad there was something we all shared in common. The university may have been down a few economics professors, but I, for the very first time, felt like part of my new tribe.

Orientation events made me feel even more comfortable with my new surroundings. I learnt what a library was, how to successfully treat a sexuallytransmitted infection without a blowtorch and where I could sell my organs for cash. Before I knew it, I was just like everyone else in Palmerston North.

At the end of my first year I returned back home to my family tarpaulin a changed and learned man.

My fifteen brothers and sisters couldn’t believe the

wild stories I told them about life in the city. They marvelled at my shoes, at my knowledge of the English language and my stories about electricity.

As you have just read, moving away from all you know and going to university can be a major culture shock. I may have fictionalized some of the details within my account (I’m not actually from New Plymouth, for instance), but, take it from me, adjusting to the routines of university life is a huge challenge. When I was like you – waiting for all the craziness of university to begin – I was full of the same apprehensions and anxieties many of you will be currently experiencing.

Your university days should be among the best in your life. Massive aims to be a part of these days. We are the student voice of Massey University, charged with entertaining you, keeping the university and student authorities honest and bringing you news and features that matter to students.

Our oxygen is the students of Massey University. We do not just welcome feedback, new writers and ideas, we need all of them. Don’t be shy, please do get in touch.

Enjoy your first semester!

Carwyn Walsh

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G ’day and welcome!

I’m Tom Pringle and I am your MAWSA Student President again for 2016.

Wellington Presidential Address

For those of you that don’t know me, I enjoy the outdoors and having a good yarn. I am from Wanganui but don’t hold that against me.

I study industrial design and I’m about to start my fourth and final year (I hope). I absolutely love what I study and the community feel that this campus has.

This has been one of the main reasons why I decided to go for this role.

My role as Student President is to be a voice for the students. I regularly sit on campus board meetings and have a say in how things are run around here.

I also help organise and run events for you guys along with my amazing team at MAWSA. Engaging with students is a big part of what MAWSA is here for. Collectively as students we can come together and be creators of change and MAWSA is here to help facilitate this.

If you ever see me around feel free to come up and have a chat – even if its 4am on a Sunday morning along Courtney Place. I’m not that scary. I’m just a normal student like you guys and I always enjoy meeting new people. If you have any feedback or any ideas you want to see happening here at Massey, let me or anyone at MAWSA know.

I hope everyone has a cracker year and all the best for your studies. I look forward to meeting some of you as the year goes on. Also be sure to get your hands on some free sausage, as I will be cranking up the MAWSA barby at various times throughout the year to keep you guys sizzling. Oh and MAWSA has a cat, feel free to pat Pocket if you see her floating around campus.

Tom Pringle

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SATIRE

Welcome to Wellington

By Carwyn Walsh

Situated smack-bang in the heart of the mighty Waikato, the city of Wellington sprung up around an abandoned Lord of the Rings set in late 2003. From these humble beginnings, Wellington has blossomed into a fine city bursting with all manner of delights.

For all first-years in 2016, I thought it was only fair and decent to produce an objective introduction of these delights and to the city that you will soon be calling home.

Wellingtonians. Only the really flush Wellington students drive on a regular basis, so this idiosyncrasy is only relevant to you when you’re crossing the road. A common mistake made by new Wellington students from the provinces is the mistaking of traffic lights for oven tops. This has led to many injuries and near misses, so I would advise all students to stay safe and do your spots off of a well-secured household oven.

One of the first things you will have to get used to in Wellington is the weather. Out of the all of New Zealand’s major cities, Wellington enjoys the most sunshine hours and, although this is very pleasant, the year-round heat has been known to finish off a few older people and a number of students.

Remember to pack your sunscreen before you come, as you will need it throughout the year.

Sexual intercourse is something many students enjoy.

If your home or hostel is unsuitable, there are many locations spread across the campus with a proven track record of providing satisfactory results for couples and/or groups. By far the most well-utilized of these spaces is probably the disabled toilets, located on Level Four of the Library. This is especially true for those lovers who need space to perform and the extra traction provided by the interior handrails is perfect for those that are more adventurously inclined.

Sexual intercourse is strictly prohibited in Tussock, the student cafeteria.

A rare spot of turbulent weather exists down Taranaki St, site of The Cube Hall and a major entrance point onto campus. Down this one street, for some strange reason, the wind moves faster than Charlie Sheen’s legal team. First-years can often be caught out when carrying A1 folders – many have been swept into the air following a good gust. Luckily, only about half succumb to their injuries.

Wellington is notorious for its hipster aesthetic. Unlike in Auckland, where hipster status is bought, pulling off the hipster vibe is far harder for your humble Wellington student. To get some genuine secondhand clobber, Wellington students have been known to travel as far afield as the Newtown Shopping Centre. Some students have found items of hipster attire in some peculiar places. A good friend of mine made himself a lovely scarf out of some discarded anal beads he found outside of a local brothel. Good ol’ Winston Peters.

Moving on, usual traffic light behaviour is rarely adhered to in Wellington. An orange light is universially seen as a signal to go by most

There are many important people on the Wellington campus, but only a select few are more important than me. Many of these creatures work for MAWSA, the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association.

MAWSA aim to deliver a strong student voice for all of the internal students based on the Wellington campus. They can advocate on your behalf if you have any concerns over how you are being treated by the university authorities or by lecturers. They can also help you out with issues you may encounter with landlords or Studylink, and may be able to provide you with emergency grants if you find yourself suffering through hardship. Their building is located on Level Two of the Student Services Building.

One especially important member of MAWSA is a sexy English rose named Sarah Wang. Wang is the MAWSA Clubs Coordinator. She is responsible for organising the many MAWSA clubs. Clubs are a great way for new students to meet people, especially

people with similar interests. Wang said to say that she is always keen to hear new ideas for clubs and if you can’t find a club or enough people interested in your club, she can link you up with a club from Victoria University.

Holly Dodson is the Events Coordinator for MAWSA. If you would like to plan any kind of event, be sure to touch base with Holly and see if she can make your dreams a reality. Holly is a fourth-year fashion student.

She can speak some French, knows how to operate a blowtorch and loves the company of people with funny smells.

Pocket the Cat is a well-known character on the campus. Pocket was a stray that made herself at home in the MAWSA office. When she’s not chilling in there, she loves floating around the campus.

Pocket is very friendly and loves plenty of cuddles from students. She can speak some French, knows how to operate a blowtorch and loves the company of people with funny smells.

That’s about all there is to know about the city of Wellington and the Massey campus. As you have just read, there are plenty of goings-on to enjoy and plenty of fun people to meet. Do take care out there. God Bless you all.

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What was something memorable that happened in your first year?

Twelve people and I got stuck in our elevator in our hostel on my first day in the hall. We were in there for over an hour. It turned out to be a great way to meet people.

I spent most of my first year eating pizza and enjoying the odd glass of wine.

Katie

Linsey

I came from the army to study design. It was a real mindfuck. I was told in one of my first classes to draw a song. I was told I had drawn the song wrong. I was like “what the fuck?” I am now 38 and a design lecturer. Today it’s perfectly clear to me I had drawn the song wrong!

Karl

Someone fainted in one of our psych lectures when we were discussing lobotomies.

Amanda

I remember someone having a seizure during my last exam in first year. We all had to go outside and were given the option of an aggregate pass.

I didn’t know anyone at all when I first started. Then I met some people in a group project and just hung out with them for the rest of the year.

Dylan

Lester

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By Julia Braybrook

First Year, First Challenges...

There’s no denying it’s a bit of an adjustment going from college to university, so we talked to students about what they found the most challenging, and more importantly, what they did to get through it.

Chelsea said making friends within halls was the biggest way to get over most challenges, including homesickness. “We become more like a family and you depend on them as well as you would a family.”

For many students, the most challenging thing they faced was moving away from home into university accommodation.

Gavin said to “fake it till you make it,” adding that “I reckon if you’re not that confident, just go for it.”

Gavin Powell, a conjoint science/business major, said that he found the first day moving in the hardest.

“The nervousness of, like, not knowing anyone around you, having to try take those first steps to making new friends and dealing with the fact that these are the people you’re going to have to live with all year was quite a big thing.”

Chelsea Whiteman, a food technology student, said that “becoming independent is probably a big thing for most of us in halls,” especially “trying to cope by yourself and getting over that sense of dependence on your parents.”

Scott Sivyer, a residential assistant (RA), said that the first week was often the hardest for students, saying that the biggest challenge was “trying to change your mindset to become self-motivated and independent.”

He said that it took about six weeks for students to adjust, adding that homesickness also came in around the six week mark “but everyone’s different.”

He said getting involved was “a big thing” to getting past homesickness.

“By getting involved you’re meeting people, you understand that they’re in the same position as you, so again, you make new friends and the homesickness goes away.”

He added that the RAs were “always here to talk to people.”

“We’ve been through this homesickness ourselves; we understand what it’s like. You do have to understand that you will actually go through homesickness, that you do come out from it and you do grow to be a better person.”

Cameron Ambler, an engineering student, said that his best advice was “just to talk to people in lectures or people you see around the halls.” He reckons a great place to meet people is in less formal setting, such as the gym. Cameron says he has even met and got to know some of his lecturers through seeing them at the gym.

He said another challenge he faced was transitioning from school to uni. Cameron found the different workloads challenging, particularly around the number of exams. He also struggled with the guilt that comes with procrastination.

Gavin said that it was also a challenge adjusting to the workload. “School’s nine to three or whatever, five days a week. Then you come to uni and you’ve got stuff to do every day, even if you don’t have class.”

Sabrina Bethan, a sports science student, said that when it came to dealing with the workload, “it’s all about the planning and managing your time well.”

“Just planning your week, like, day in and day out, and making sure you don’t waste time, even though it’s easy to procrastinate.”

All of these students experienced similar issues as they made the transition from college to university.

They all found ways to adapt and survive within the university environment. As first-years this semester, you will, no doubt, experience many of these same issues. Taking on some of the aforementioned advice may help you, but ultimately, being yourself and getting your own feet wet could be the best advice of all.

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SATIRE

By Hannah Shandy

White cat jailed for ‘vile’ hate attacks A Palmerston North cat has been jailed for a minimum of four years in relation to a string of assaults on other cats across the city.

Mister McWhisker, a three-year-old white Persian, was found guilty last week on eight counts of assault and recklessly causing grievous bodily harm.

Mister McWhisker arriving in court for sentencing The string of assaults occurred over a three-month period, with eight separate black cats attacked in what local police labelled a “premeditated spree of violence with an obvious racial motive.”

Mister McWhisker’s owner Joyce Hurley, a 68-year-old retired Tupperware saleswoman, broke down outside court when questioned by media.

“You never think it’ll be your own”, said Mrs Hurley, “he was a lovely cat up until we had him fixed last year. He was never the same cat after that.”

Mrs Hurley said that after being fixed, Mister McWhisker started “knocking around with the wrong crowd” and “munching on all that catnip stuff”.

The victims’ families expressed little sympathy for Mister McWhisker following the sentencing.

Pam Bridge’s cat Rangi was hospitalized for several weeks after being attacked by Mister McWhisker in late November.

Mrs Bridge read from a victim impact statement in court.

“Rangi never leaves the house and

Rangi following the November attack struggles to sleep more than 18 hours a day. My husband has had to leave his job to care for him.”

Mister McWhisker showed no emotion as the victim impact statements were read out, letting out only a series of yawns before curling up in the dock.

Following the sentencing, a spokesperson for the Race Relations Commission issued the following statement to media: “Mister McWhisker’s crimes show that racism is still alive and kicking in New Zealand. We welcome the sentence handed down and our thoughts are with all of the victims.”

The Sensible Sentencing Trust has

been quick to condemn what they have described as a “lenient” sentence for Mister McWhisker.

A Trust spokesperson labelled Mister McWhisker a “vile, remorseless thug”.

The spokesperson went on to say that the nature of offending is “indicative of a criminal that is beyond rehabilitation” and, in their opinion, Mister McWhisker “should be put down immediately.”

Mister McWhisker will serve his sentence at a SPCA animal shelter on Napier Road, Palmerston North.

SATIRE

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Sunbathing

Checking out the fillies

Hitchhiking

Getting kidnapped at knifepoint

Situations made better with a horse mask Honk the Horse is a recovering alcoholic. Raised in captivity, Honk recently escaped from a Riding for the Disabled facility. He has been on the run ever since, getting himself into all manner of mishaps.

Honk is a qualified forklift operator and lawyer. In his spare time, Honk enjoys rolled oats, cheesy romantic comedies and inter-racial pornography.

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By Paul Berrington

Need to find out a bit more about what university might be like?

Five films for first years

Well it’s probably not the best idea to take too much information from these films, but we think you’ll find them entertaining, and they might provide that little bit of light relief from all those lectures.

Animal House (1978) It may nearly 40-years-old, but this John Landis comedy is still arguably the best of its kind. It features the mighty talents of John Belushi, who had recently risen to fame on Saturday Night Live. The film details the riotous Delta Tau Chi House, and their battles with not only the university establishment, but also the elitist upper crust of Omega Theta Pi House.

While we can’t really condone the sort of behaviour you’ll find in Animal House, we’re pretty sure you’ll find it hilarious. Often seen as the very first gross-out comedy, the film is full of great gags.

Good Will Hunting (1997) Need a bit of inspiration to achieve outstanding grades? Look no further than Gus Van Sant’s Good Will Hunting – the story of Will Hunting (Matt Damon), an unrecognised maths genius with an attitude full of contempt for everyone. When facing jail, he comes under the wing of psychologist Dr. Sean Maguire (Robin Williams), who helps shape Will into a more well-rounded character, capable of not only academic but personal achievements.

Written by then unknown talents, Damon and Ben Affleck, this is a film that delves deep into intellectualism in a relatively light-hearted way, and also features one of Williams’ finest dramatic performances.

Legally Blonde (2001) What do you do when your boyfriend dumps you for a hot law babe at Harvard? You get back at him, of course. Fashion student Elle Woods nails the entry exam for Harvard Law School, challenges the establishment and moves from a ditzy fashioned-

obsessed blonde to a clever prosecutor. Despite its ludicrous plot, this is a fun film, and is arguably Reese Witherspoon’s best role.

Old School (2003) When Mitch (Luke Wilson) moves into a house located near Harrison University, it sets in motion a series of hilariously outrageous events. Along with mates Frank (Will Ferrell) and Bernard (Vince Vaughn), he starts his own fraternity, and they go on to cause serious havoc for school dean Gordon Pritchard (Jeremy Piven). Referencing Animal House in many of its gross-out gags, this one might inspire some of the older first-year students out there.

Wonder Boys (2000) Curtis Hanson’s follow-up to crime epic L.A. Confidential is as much about English Professor Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas in a surprisingly humble role) as it is about the students he teaches. It is a fantastic story with a tremendous ensemble cast, including Robert Downey Jr., Frances McDormand, Tobey Maguire, and Katie Holmes. There will be plenty of times this semester when you need some creative writing tips, and you might just find a little inspiration here.

Honourable mentions: Back to School (1986), Monsters University (2013), Revenge of the Nerds (1984).

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By Paul Berrington

Top Five Party Starters What does a university student do when not neck deep in study and assignments? Party, of course. Here are five classic party-starting songs that’ll have you and your fellow classmates getting buckwild on the dance-floor in no time.

A$AP Rocky – “F**ckin’ Problems” Having a rough day with just too many problems?

At Uni it’s almost inevitable you’ll come under a little stress. So when you feel like saying up yours to the world, A$AP Rocky’s club banger is the perfect accompaniment to letting your hair down and getting a little loose.

Daft Punk – “Get Lucky” Featuring the talents of not only Daft Punk, but also Pharrell Williams and legendary bassist and producer Nile Rodgers, it’s no surprise the duo’s 2013 comeback single is one of the catchiest things you’ll ever here. This is one song guaranteed to put a smile on your dial.

Drake – “Started From the Bottom” With his distinctive flow and emo raps, Drake has become the biggest thing since sliced bread, and if you feel as though you’re pushing shit up a hill with a stick, then this superlative statement in achieving the best you can will surely get your party started.

Michael Jackson – “Rock With You” You can’t really create a party playlist without some MJ right? Even the hippest most cynical music geek can get down with this one, and if you’re looking for a timeless classic to get the dancing started while you preload, then this is it.

Supergroove – “Can’t Get Enough” By this stage you’re in the need of one of those NZ songs we all know a little too well, and what “Can’t Get Enough” lacks in class, it more than makes up for in energy. Lose your inhibitions, form a circle, and sing this with your mates as loud as you can.

Honourable mentions: The Naked and Famous – “Young Blood”, DLT feat. Che Fu – “Chains”, Rick James – “Super Freak”, Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Iggy Azalea – “Fancy”, R. Kelly – “Ignition “(Remix), Beyonce – “Drunk in Love”

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By Paul Berrington

Five albums for studying

Study can be hard at the best of times. You might not be in the mood, or you might be under a lot of stress with readings and projects adding up. Yet with good work habits and scheduling you’ll do just fine, and these five albums will not only help you concentrate, but help you to chill out as well.

Boards of Canada – Music Has the Right to Children This Scottish duo make dreamy psychedelic electronica that calms and relaxes you without sounding like a collection of birdsongs. While all of their LPs are excellent, this debut is a record that comes close to perfection. If you’re in the library studying with headphones, it’s even better.

Miles Davis – Kind of Blue Many of you probably wouldn’t think of listening to jazz while studying, but this beautifully structured record captures the genius of Miles Davis in a calm and reflective mood, making this one of the most elegant masterpieces in modern music, and a great study buddy.

Fat Freddy’s Drop – Based on a True Story With a new album just released and a loyal following worldwide, Fat Freddy’s Drop have pretty much just done their own thing over the years, perfecting a unique sound along the way. The studio debut still exudes a laidback quality so hard to achieve in music, and this is a great companion for a dose of research during your first assignments.

The XX – xx With their distinctively melodic and mellow sound, this British trio burst on to the scene with this fantastic debut: a mood music masterpiece that deservedly earned the young band the much coveted

Mercury Music Prize. Calming and catchy, this is a great album to put on when those readings start to pile up.

Kronos Quartet – Kronos Quartet Plays the Music of Philip Glass In 1993 Don Campbell wrote a book called The Mozart Effect, a bestseller that promoted the idea of classical music being a successful study tool.

Although not scientifically proven, we tend to agree, and you could try some Mozart (check the library catalogue) or seek out this masterpiece of modern classical music.

Honourable mentions: Nils Frahm – Late Night Tales, Rhian Sheehan – Stories From Elsewhere, Groeni – Hinde, Brian Eno – Music for Airports, John Coltrane – A Love Supreme, Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works, Joanna Newsom – The Milk-Eyed Mender

CREDITS

Editor Carwyn Walsh editor@massivemagazine.org.nz 04 8015799 ext.63765 Design & Layout Marie Larking design@mawsa.org.nz Advertising, Marketing, and MAWSA Association Manager James Collings manager@mawsa.org.nz (04)8015799 ext.63763 Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz Contributors Julia Braybrook, Hannah Shandy, Carwyn Walsh, and Paul Berrington.

Image Credits Front cover Marie Larking — www.behance.net/Marielarking First Year First Challenges Feature (pg08)

By Kallum Best — kallumbest.tumblr.com/ 5 Party Starters (pg12)

By Holly-Ann Craig — hollyanndesigns.wix.com/portfolio Disclaimer The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Exteramural Students’ Society, or the Massive editor.

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