Massive Manawatu Orientation Special 2016

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MANAWATU 2016

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CONTENTS

06 Welcome to Palmy 03 Editorial

09 First Year, First Challenges...

11 Honk the Horse

13 Five Party Starters

08 Whaddya Reckon?

12 Five Films for First Years 04 Palmerston North Presidential Address

10 The Nose 14 Five Albums for Studying

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Editorial

My first few experiences at Massey were quite something. Coming from a small whitebaiting station called New Plymouth, I’d never before seen the bright lights and big smoke of a city the size of Palmerston North. Although the journey only took 2 days on our family mule, Palmerston North felt like a different country – a country I’d have to navigate and learn the customs of all by myself.

It didn’t take me long to unwittingly insult the coninhabitants in my hostel. Growing up, I’d never seen a flushing toilet, let alone running water. My new colleagues were thoroughly appalled when, as my upbringing dictated, I started defecating on the lawn immediately opposite our hostel. This was not an ideal start to my first morning at university.

I won back many of my coninhabitants when, armed with only my trusty family stick, I brought them all back some game I’d killed just off campus during my first night. Grilled ribs had always been a crowdpleaser back in New Plymouth, so I was glad there was something we all shared in common. The university may have been down a few economics professors, but I, for the very first time, felt like part of my new tribe.

Orientation events made me feel even more comfortable with my new surroundings. I learnt what a library was, how to successfully treat a sexuallytransmitted infection without a blowtorch and where I could sell my organs for cash. Before I knew it, I was just like everyone else in Palmerston North.

At the end of my first year I returned back home to my family tarpaulin a changed and learned man.

My fifteen brothers and sisters couldn’t believe the

wild stories I told them about life in the city. They marvelled at my shoes, at my knowledge of the English language and my stories about electricity.

As you have just read, moving away from all you know and going to university can be a major culture shock. I may have fictionalized some of the details within my account (I’m not actually from New Plymouth, for instance), but, take it from me, adjusting to the routines of university life is a huge challenge. When I was like you – waiting for all the craziness of university to begin – I was full of the same apprehensions and anxieties many of you will be currently experiencing.

Your university days should be among the best in your life. Massive aims to be a part of these days. We are the student voice of Massey University, charged with entertaining you, keeping the university and student authorities honest and bringing you news and features that matter to students.

Our oxygen is the students of Massey University. We do not just welcome feedback, new writers and ideas, we need all of them. Don’t be shy, please do get in touch.

Enjoy your first semester!

Carwyn Walsh

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Palmerston North Presidential Address

Hi first-years, I’m Nikita Skipper, your MUSA President for 2016. I was in exactly the same position as you are exactly one year ago. Like you, I was apprehensive about starting a new life of study in Palmerston North. Making the adjustment from college to university is a big jump. Helping first-years cross this bridge is one of the main reasons I stood for MUSA President at last year’s election. I am passionate about helping make this transition as smooth as possible for you. People finding themselves and venturing into the unknown is something I am particularly passionate about, especially because I am doing just that in starting out in this role this year.

My one fear is to leave this earth without helping as many people as possible. It may seem pathetic or strange but, for me, people will always be the most important thing, especially when we consider the future of New Zealand and where it is heading.

My ultimate reason for standing for this role was you. You are the new generation, and I believe that as a generation, we have the ability and diversity to challenge the world’s wrongs. The voice of change is now and you guys are just that.

If you are having any issues next year, be sure to pop by my office in the MUSA building. I would love to help and encourage you to get involved with your student union (especially if you’re from Waipukurau).

Nikita Skipper

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SATIRE

Welcome to Palmy

Recently voted Earth’s greatest city by Penthouse, Palmerston North hosts over 13.4 million students annually. In deciding to live here, you — next year’s freshers — have made the decision of your young lives. In deciding to reside in the Central North Island’s very own Monaco, you have joined the esteemed company of Donald Trump, John Cleese and Jesus Christ.

Located 55 kilometres out of Dannevirke, Palmerston North was founded in 1069 by National MP Steve Maharey. Since then, it has blossomed into a bustling metropolis built around its many students. Enjoying a warm, Mediterranean-like climate, Palmerston North is ready and waiting to take you into her tender embrace.

By Carwyn Walsh

Students are truly spoilt for the range of fun stuff to do in Palmerston North. The fun and free bus service is something that shocks many first-years. Palmerston North is one of only a handful of cities in the world that gift students this service. The bus leaves campus and heads along multiple routes to the city. Buses even ferry you into town from your campus hostels every Saturday night. To get this free service, all you will need to do is present your student ID or, if you forget that, a knife should suffice. The bus drivers are all great people who love their jobs.

Another free delight in Palmerston North is the escalator in the Central Library. For such a modestly sized city, Palmerston North is truly blessed to have such a tremendous asset. If you’re from a town without an escalator, the library staff are more than willing to show you how it works and let you ride it as much as you want.

Speaking of places that have books, Bennetts is your one-stop-shop on campus for all your textbook requirements. The staff in Bennetts are genuinely decent and helpful. The store has a strict no smoking policy. Massey University, unlike many others, print most of your course readings for free.

MUSA (Massey University Students’ Association) is based in the heart of the campus and provides

students with a range of services. Founded in 1935 by current office manager Pauline Karam, MUSA aims to provide a strong and independent voice for all students on the Manawatu campus. Their main office is located just off the concourse next to the student lounge.

If you want to meet people with similar interests then a great place to start is through one of the MUSA affiliated clubs. There are currently over 60 clubs to choose from; however, if one of these doesn’t take your fancy, be sure to introduce yourself to Clubs co-ordinator Gunhild Litwin, who resides in the main MUSA office. Litwin is a foxy German lady who would love to hear your funky ideas for new clubs.

Fitness people will be heartened by the knowledge that the Manawatu campus has a huge gymnasium: the Rec Centre. Strictly speaking, I’ve never actually been inside, but it looks great and is fully utilized for a range of fitness and sporting activities. .

Staying with sports, Varsity RFC is the Massey University rugby side, founded in 1929 by MUSA Manager Craig Black. With a rich history, it’s no surprise that Varsity remain a staple part of the university culture in Palmerston North. Varsity currently boasts seven different sides that play at both senior and social levels. The Vixens are the club’s sole women’s side.

The yardstick of any academic city is its student housing district. Ada, Morris and McGiffert Streets are the most instantly recognizable of the student streets. This unholy trinity are littered with general refuse, burnt out vehicles, beheaded hostages, feral cats and, of course, many a heated scholarly debate.

The seasonal riots that occur on them are a real highlight and are thoroughly enjoyed by both sides of the law.

Palmerston North only has the one prostitute – but what a prostitute he is! Gary is a retired accountant who is more than happy to provide students with sound budgeting advice while he works. Gary is known across the lower North Island for his award-

winning, competitively-priced handjobs. He provides a student discount for a full service on Tuesday nights.

On Fitzherbert Ave lies a discount hairdresser, and of equal importance, Palmerston North’s renowned nightclub district. There are two separate establishments in this strip, both of which are heavily frequented by students of all years. Trader McKendry’s is a tightly-packed venue known for its debauchery and body odour. Beer Barrel lives next door and, in the writer’s humble opinion, is probably the most popular of nightspots in Palmerston North.

Other drinking dens of note are Shooters Bar, Firecats Strip Club, The Daily, Murphy’s Law, Rosie O’Grady’s, and Hokowhitu Bowling Club.

The dress code in town is pretty lax when compared to bigger cities. If you’re a gentleman, covered shoes, some pants and a shirt of any description will usually get you in. Gentleladies can wear just about whatever they want. The Hokowhitu Bowling Club has a strict no gang patches policy, so it pays to leave your patch at home. Take if from someone who knows, their security can handle themselves when they need to.

If you’re more of café sort of person, drive straight onto Highway 56 and fuck off back to Wellington.

If you’re after a decent tinny house, you’re out luck, I’m afraid. Marijuana is an illegal Class C Drug and the good people of Palmerston North don’t take too kindly to slippery bloody longhairs messing about with mind-altering substances.

That’s about all there is to know about the mighty Palmerston North. As you have just read, there are plenty of goings-on to enjoy – both on and off campus. Do take care out there. God Bless you all.

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What was something memorable that happened in your first year?

Twelve people and I got stuck in our elevator in our hostel on my first day in the hall. We were in there for over an hour. It turned out to be a great way to meet people.

I spent most of my first year eating pizza and enjoying the odd glass of wine.

Katie

Linsey

I came from the army to study design. It was a real mindfuck. I was told in one of my first classes to draw a song. I was told I had drawn the song wrong. I was like “what the fuck?” I am now 38 and a design lecturer. Today it’s perfectly clear to me I had drawn the song wrong!

Karl

Someone fainted in one of our psych lectures when we were discussing lobotomies.

Amanda

I remember someone having a seizure during my last exam in first year. We all had to go outside and were given the option of an aggregate pass.

I didn’t know anyone at all when I first started. Then I met some people in a group project and just hung out with them for the rest of the year.

Dylan

Lester

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By Julia Braybrook

First Year, First Challenges...

There’s no denying it’s a bit of an adjustment going from college to university, so we talked to students about what they found the most challenging, and more importantly, what they did to get through it.

Chelsea said making friends within halls was the biggest way to get over most challenges, including homesickness. “We become more like a family and you depend on them as well as you would a family.”

For many students, the most challenging thing they faced was moving away from home into university accommodation.

Gavin said to “fake it till you make it,” adding that “I reckon if you’re not that confident, just go for it.”

Gavin Powell, a conjoint science/business major, said that he found the first day moving in the hardest.

“The nervousness of, like, not knowing anyone around you, having to try take those first steps to making new friends and dealing with the fact that these are the people you’re going to have to live with all year was quite a big thing.”

Chelsea Whiteman, a food technology student, said that “becoming independent is probably a big thing for most of us in halls,” especially “trying to cope by yourself and getting over that sense of dependence on your parents.”

Scott Sivyer, a residential assistant (RA), said that the first week was often the hardest for students, saying that the biggest challenge was “trying to change your mindset to become self-motivated and independent.”

He said that it took about six weeks for students to adjust, adding that homesickness also came in around the six week mark “but everyone’s different.”

He said getting involved was “a big thing” to getting past homesickness.

“By getting involved you’re meeting people, you understand that they’re in the same position as you, so again, you make new friends and the homesickness goes away.”

He added that the RAs were “always here to talk to people.”

“We’ve been through this homesickness ourselves; we understand what it’s like. You do have to understand that you will actually go through homesickness, that you do come out from it and you do grow to be a better person.”

Cameron Ambler, an engineering student, said that his best advice was “just to talk to people in lectures or people you see around the halls.” He reckons a great place to meet people is in less formal setting, such as the gym. Cameron says he has even met and got to know some of his lecturers through seeing them at the gym.

He said another challenge he faced was transitioning from school to uni. Cameron found the different workloads challenging, particularly around the number of exams. He also struggled with the guilt that comes with procrastination.

Gavin said that it was also a challenge adjusting to the workload. “School’s nine to three or whatever, five days a week. Then you come to uni and you’ve got stuff to do every day, even if you don’t have class.”

Sabrina Bethan, a sports science student, said that when it came to dealing with the workload, “it’s all about the planning and managing your time well.”

“Just planning your week, like, day in and day out, and making sure you don’t waste time, even though it’s easy to procrastinate.”

All of these students experienced similar issues as they made the transition from college to university.

They all found ways to adapt and survive within the university environment. As first-years this semester, you will, no doubt, experience many of these same issues. Taking on some of the aforementioned advice may help you, but ultimately, being yourself and getting your own feet wet could be the best advice of all.

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SATIRE

By Hannah Shandy

White cat jailed for ‘vile’ hate attacks A Palmerston North cat has been jailed for a minimum of four years in relation to a string of assaults on other cats across the city.

Mister McWhisker, a three-year-old white Persian, was found guilty last week on eight counts of assault and recklessly causing grievous bodily harm.

Mister McWhisker arriving in court for sentencing The string of assaults occurred over a three-month period, with eight separate black cats attacked in what local police labelled a “premeditated spree of violence with an obvious racial motive.”

Mister McWhisker’s owner Joyce Hurley, a 68-year-old retired Tupperware saleswoman, broke down outside court when questioned by media.

“You never think it’ll be your own”, said Mrs Hurley, “he was a lovely cat up until we had him fixed last year. He was never the same cat after that.”

Mrs Hurley said that after being fixed, Mister McWhisker started “knocking around with the wrong crowd” and “munching on all that catnip stuff”.

The victims’ families expressed little sympathy for Mister McWhisker following the sentencing.

Pam Bridge’s cat Rangi was hospitalized for several weeks after being attacked by Mister McWhisker in late November.

Mrs Bridge read from a victim impact statement in court.

“Rangi never leaves the house and

Rangi following the November attack struggles to sleep more than 18 hours a day. My husband has had to leave his job to care for him.”

Mister McWhisker showed no emotion as the victim impact statements were read out, letting out only a series of yawns before curling up in the dock.

Following the sentencing, a spokesperson for the Race Relations Commission issued the following statement to media: “Mister McWhisker’s crimes show that racism is still alive and kicking in New Zealand. We welcome the sentence handed down and our thoughts are with all of the victims.”

The Sensible Sentencing Trust has

been quick to condemn what they have described as a “lenient” sentence for Mister McWhisker.

A Trust spokesperson labelled Mister McWhisker a “vile, remorseless thug”.

The spokesperson went on to say that the nature of offending is “indicative of a criminal that is beyond rehabilitation” and, in their opinion, Mister McWhisker “should be put down immediately.”

Mister McWhisker will serve his sentence at a SPCA animal shelter on Napier Road, Palmerston North.

SATIRE

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Sunbathing

Checking out the fillies

Hitchhiking

Getting kidnapped at knifepoint

Situations made better with a horse mask Honk the Horse is a recovering alcoholic. Raised in captivity, Honk recently escaped from a Riding for the Disabled facility. He has been on the run ever since, getting himself into all manner of mishaps.

Honk is a qualified forklift operator and lawyer. In his spare time, Honk enjoys rolled oats, cheesy romantic comedies and inter-racial pornography.

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By Paul Berrington

Need to find out a bit more about what university might be like?

Five films for first years

Well it’s probably not the best idea to take too much information from these films, but we think you’ll find them entertaining, and they might provide that little bit of light relief from all those lectures.

Animal House (1978) It may nearly 40-years-old, but this John Landis comedy is still arguably the best of its kind. It features the mighty talents of John Belushi, who had recently risen to fame on Saturday Night Live. The film details the riotous Delta Tau Chi House, and their battles with not only the university establishment, but also the elitist upper crust of Omega Theta Pi House.

While we can’t really condone the sort of behaviour you’ll find in Animal House, we’re pretty sure you’ll find it hilarious. Often seen as the very first gross-out comedy, the film is full of great gags.

Good Will Hunting (1997) Need a bit of inspiration to achieve outstanding grades? Look no further than Gus Van Sant’s Good Will Hunting – the story of Will Hunting (Matt Damon), an unrecognised maths genius with an attitude full of contempt for everyone. When facing jail, he comes under the wing of psychologist Dr. Sean Maguire (Robin Williams), who helps shape Will into a more well-rounded character, capable of not only academic but personal achievements.

Written by then unknown talents, Damon and Ben Affleck, this is a film that delves deep into intellectualism in a relatively light-hearted way, and also features one of Williams’ finest dramatic performances.

Legally Blonde (2001) What do you do when your boyfriend dumps you for a hot law babe at Harvard? You get back at him, of course. Fashion student Elle Woods nails the entry exam for Harvard Law School, challenges the establishment and moves from a ditzy fashioned-

obsessed blonde to a clever prosecutor. Despite its ludicrous plot, this is a fun film, and is arguably Reese Witherspoon’s best role.

Old School (2003) When Mitch (Luke Wilson) moves into a house located near Harrison University, it sets in motion a series of hilariously outrageous events. Along with mates Frank (Will Ferrell) and Bernard (Vince Vaughn), he starts his own fraternity, and they go on to cause serious havoc for school dean Gordon Pritchard (Jeremy Piven). Referencing Animal House in many of its gross-out gags, this one might inspire some of the older first-year students out there.

Wonder Boys (2000) Curtis Hanson’s follow-up to crime epic L.A. Confidential is as much about English Professor Grady Tripp (Michael Douglas in a surprisingly humble role) as it is about the students he teaches. It is a fantastic story with a tremendous ensemble cast, including Robert Downey Jr., Frances McDormand, Tobey Maguire, and Katie Holmes. There will be plenty of times this semester when you need some creative writing tips, and you might just find a little inspiration here.

Honourable mentions: Back to School (1986), Monsters University (2013), Revenge of the Nerds (1984).

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By Paul Berrington

Top Five Party Starters What does a university student do when not neck deep in study and assignments? Party, of course. Here are five classic party-starting songs that’ll have you and your fellow classmates getting buckwild on the dance-floor in no time.

A$AP Rocky – “F**ckin’ Problems” Having a rough day with just too many problems?

At Uni it’s almost inevitable you’ll come under a little stress. So when you feel like saying up yours to the world, A$AP Rocky’s club banger is the perfect accompaniment to letting your hair down and getting a little loose.

Daft Punk – “Get Lucky” Featuring the talents of not only Daft Punk, but also Pharrell Williams and legendary bassist and producer Nile Rodgers, it’s no surprise the duo’s 2013 comeback single is one of the catchiest things you’ll ever here. This is one song guaranteed to put a smile on your dial.

Drake – “Started From the Bottom” With his distinctive flow and emo raps, Drake has become the biggest thing since sliced bread, and if you feel as though you’re pushing shit up a hill with a stick, then this superlative statement in achieving the best you can will surely get your party started.

Michael Jackson – “Rock With You” You can’t really create a party playlist without some MJ right? Even the hippest most cynical music geek can get down with this one, and if you’re looking for a timeless classic to get the dancing started while you preload, then this is it.

Supergroove – “Can’t Get Enough” By this stage you’re in the need of one of those NZ songs we all know a little too well, and what “Can’t Get Enough” lacks in class, it more than makes up for in energy. Lose your inhibitions, form a circle, and sing this with your mates as loud as you can.

Honourable mentions: The Naked and Famous – “Young Blood”, DLT feat. Che Fu – “Chains”, Rick James – “Super Freak”, Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Iggy Azalea – “Fancy”, R. Kelly – “Ignition “(Remix), Beyonce – “Drunk in Love”

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By Paul Berrington

Five albums for studying

Study can be hard at the best of times. You might not be in the mood, or you might be under a lot of stress with readings and projects adding up. Yet with good work habits and scheduling you’ll do just fine, and these five albums will not only help you concentrate, but help you to chill out as well.

Boards of Canada – Music Has the Right to Children This Scottish duo make dreamy psychedelic electronica that calms and relaxes you without sounding like a collection of birdsongs. While all of their LPs are excellent, this debut is a record that comes close to perfection. If you’re in the library studying with headphones, it’s even better.

Miles Davis – Kind of Blue Many of you probably wouldn’t think of listening to jazz while studying, but this beautifully structured record captures the genius of Miles Davis in a calm and reflective mood, making this one of the most elegant masterpieces in modern music, and a great study buddy.

Fat Freddy’s Drop – Based on a True Story With a new album just released and a loyal following worldwide, Fat Freddy’s Drop have pretty much just done their own thing over the years, perfecting a unique sound along the way. The studio debut still exudes a laidback quality so hard to achieve in music, and this is a great companion for a dose of research during your first assignments.

The XX – xx With their distinctively melodic and mellow sound, this British trio burst on to the scene with this fantastic debut: a mood music masterpiece that deservedly earned the young band the much coveted

Mercury Music Prize. Calming and catchy, this is a great album to put on when those readings start to pile up.

Kronos Quartet – Kronos Quartet Plays the Music of Philip Glass In 1993 Don Campbell wrote a book called The Mozart Effect, a bestseller that promoted the idea of classical music being a successful study tool.

Although not scientifically proven, we tend to agree, and you could try some Mozart (check the library catalogue) or seek out this masterpiece of modern classical music.

Honourable mentions: Nils Frahm – Late Night Tales, Rhian Sheehan – Stories From Elsewhere, Groeni – Hinde, Brian Eno – Music for Airports, John Coltrane – A Love Supreme, Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works, Joanna Newsom – The Milk-Eyed Mender

CREDITS

Editor Carwyn Walsh editor@massivemagazine.org.nz 04 8015799 ext.63765 Design & Layout Marie Larking design@mawsa.org.nz Advertising, Marketing, and MAWSA Association Manager James Collings manager@mawsa.org.nz (04)8015799 ext.63763 Publisher massivemagazine.org.nz Contributors Julia Braybrook, Hannah Shandy, Carwyn Walsh, and Paul Berrington.

Image Credits Front cover Marie Larking — www.behance.net/Marielarking First Year First Challenges Feature (pg09)

By Kallum Best — kallumbest.tumblr.com/ 5 Party Starters (pg13)

By Holly-Ann Craig — hollyanndesigns.wix.com/portfolio Disclaimer The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Exteramural Students’ Society, or the Massive editor.

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