Massive Magazine Albany Issue 11 2020

Massive Issue 11

The Weed Issue

Albany

Weed

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Managing Editor: Laura Macdonald editor@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Designer: Harry Weise massive@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Media Manager: Caitlin Barlow-Groome manager@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3763 Staff Writers: Dani Molloy (Albany) James Pocock (Manawatū) Tyler Hambleton (Wellington) Contributors: Elise Cacace, Cameron Taylor, Tui Lou Christie, Connie Sellers, Tess Patrick, Aryaman Vijay Parulkar, Mary Jane, Todd Murray, Jack Crossland Illustrators: Alex Bishop, Padraig Simpson, Casey Sheard Artist Feature: Xoë Hall Front Cover: Harry Weise Publisher: Massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN-2253-5918 (Print) ISSN-2253-5926 (Online). This publication is printed using environmentally friendly inks and paper, the paper which is FSC© certified and from responsible forests, is manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems.

Massive Magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

DISCLAIMER: The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Association, or the Massive editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@mawsa.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Massive Magazine | Issue 11

Contents 6-9

10-19

NEWS

FEATURES

Massive’s got the scoop on what’s happening on (and off) Massey campuses nationwide.

Front and centre, our features investigate and probe at the issues or topics of the moment. Have a gander.

20-25

26-29

ARTIST FEATURES

OPINION

This is the spot for all creative writing, thought pieces and anything else that makes you cock your head.

This is the spot for all creative writing, thought pieces and anything else that makes you cock your head.

30-40 REGULARS The classics– Climate Corner, Suffrage, Salivate, Eat, Pray, Fuck and the rest all live on these back pages.

We understand if you skip straight to them.

This Massive Magazine subject to NZ Media Council procedures. A complaint must first be directed in writing, within one month of publication, to the Massive Magazine email address. If not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Media Council P O Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington 6143.

Or use the online complaint form at www. mediacouncil.org.nz

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Editorial

I have heard far too many white people say, “Oh I’m not even going to vote on the cannabis referendum, nothing will change for me anyway.”

I have heard far too many white people say, “Oh I’m not even going to vote on the cannabis referendum, nothing will change for me anyway.” Okay Sam, Daniel, Matthew or whatever basic name you bear, tell that to the disproportionate number of people of colour locked up for cannabis related offences every year.

Just because a cop turned a blind eye or laughed and told you to throw it out, doesn’t mean everyone else experiences the same mercy. Māori make up 16.5% of the New Zealand population, but also make up 43% of those charged with cannabis related offences.

Prisons will remain as the government’s systemically racist cash cows for a long time to come, so the least we can do is pass the cannabis referendum to at least stem the plight of our indigenous ngā hoa.

While I’m on the subject of selfish voting, this part goes out to those who tell me, “Oh, you use cannabis to help with your anxiety? Why don’t you just get a medicinal prescription?”

There is still a lack of scholarly evidence on the effectiveness of the drug, meaning New Zealand GPs are nine times out of ten going to refuse point blank to write a prescription.

Research from the New Zealand Medical Journal showed that of 76 GPs who actually wanted to approve medicinal cannabis prescriptions, only eight managed to get access for their patients.

As someone who has been through the wringer of New Zealand’s pathetic mental health system, using cannabis has been the only thing that stops the white noise in my head and lets me go to sleep at night. Counselling, antidepressants, breathing exercises and essential fucking oils could NEVER. So I urge you to think more holistically when voting for the referendum. You may be white, cis, straight and mentally sound, so whether cannabis is legalised or not may make no difference to you. But I urge you to consider those marginalised by the system, and how it could mean the difference between prison and emancipation, or life and suicide.

–Laura Macdonald

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Massey Confessions Massey Confessions is a Facebook page started by a Massey Palmy student last year, as a place for students to ‘anonymously confess their stories and tales.’ We thought we’d get them to send us some absolute rippers for you to enjoy - so make sure you give the page a like (and perhaps confess your own sins). #0047 - People should log out of their computers! [Palmy]

#0080 - Fake Student [Palmy]

Went to sit down at a computer in the library, and found it was still logged in. After looking around to see no one had just dashed away to the toilet or the other side of the room, I went into the person's Stream, did a test and submitted an assignment.

I used to go to Massey to listen in to the lecturers, but I was never a student. I just really like learning.

- Anon #0270 - The Night I am Drinking To Forget [Palmy] This one-night stand that turned out to be one of the weirdest nights of my life.

It all started on my walk from the daily to the office. A group of three girls came and walked with me and my friends. Later that night one of them invited me back to her room in the halls.

Up until this point, I had very little sexual experience but one lady from Columbo changed all that in a matter of minutes.

It all started off generally quite normal, the usual kissing and grinding.

But what comes next is not for the faint of heart so scroll now if that's not your scene. So skipping about five minutes we both ended up laying naked on her bed and then with great enthusiasm she jumped up off the bed and started rummaging around in one of her draws.

When she pulled out a dildo, I was excited to see what she would do with it, however this was no normal dildo.

I once completed an assignment and submitted it. I was disappointed I didn’t get any results back.

I miss going to University.

- Anon #0284 - Boring sex [Palmy] I have stayed in the halls more Saturday nights than I have stayed in my flat. I have slept in every hall except Colombo and that’s next on the list.

But the sex is just getting boring, my vagina is well stretched, and you boys just aren’t doing it for me anymore. Yes, I want you to stick it in my ass, I have a better time playing with my anal beads by myself.

- Horny blondie looking for an adventurous man x #0258 - I miss house parties [Palmy] I haven't been to a proper big house party since 2nd year. Why? Are they no-longer a thing? Have I done something wrong, so I no-longer get an invite? Was it because the last party I went to I stole the entire herb selection from the kitchen? Surely not

This sex toy was a Shaquille O’Neal special edition.

(Garlic herb salt does wonders to steak - who knew!)

When she proudly pulled out her weapon my face dropped as my emotion of excitement quickly turned to a feeling of pure fear. She was kinky as hell and her eyes lit up at the sight of the black rifle she just had pulled out; she soon began to tell me she was a dominatrix and instead of losing her virginity to just a Massey lad she fantasised over losing it to Shaq.

- The Herb Pincher who wants to go to a party

So, as she started rubbing the dildo along her vagina, she slowly crept over top of me. While I was rather turned on, I also didn’t really want to watch. It gets worse, you just wait. After rubbing the dildo on herself she proceeded to sit at the end of the bed and put the object in her vagina and ass. At this point I was playing it cool; I am sure lots of girls do this! But when she asked me to roll onto my stomach and let her use it on me, I panicked. I didn’t speak for about 2 minutes and just stared at her. As much as it hurt me to do, I left the girls room and have not returned. She still has my jersey and I don’t think I’ll ever be getting it back.

- Just one fresher never coming back to the Palmerston North Halls after a Night out. #0278 - Don't vibe in the halls [Palmy] Just a PSA, but the walls are so thin I can hear when you're having Friday night (or any night) fun time with your vibrator! I mean I'm all for a bit of self-love but be aware it can be heard in the neighbouring room when you crank that machine up full blast and take yourself to pound town.

- Walter Viber resident #0107 - Jail [Palmy] There are prisons with better student culture than Massey - Trust me I've been in one for 8 years

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#0283 - A word on lubrication [Palmy] Couple of years back now. As all great stories start, I managed to get myself well marinated and tootled off to town for the night. Once there, I found this dude I'd been seeing semi-regularly, and decided to call it a night and headed back to my living quarters for a night of whiskeydicked ecstasy. Seeing as we were pretty chill with each other, and had never done anal with anyone before, we decided tonight was the night.

Not really sure how to go about it, I got myself sorted with a back arch that would put a person with lumbar lordosis to shame, and prepared to bite the pillow. By some divine miracle, old mate went for the lube (we weren't about to experience this dry), and instead grabbed the half finished can of DB beside my bed.

Poured it all over his dick, my bed, and splashed some on my ass. It should've stopped there, God himself was using this as a warning sign not to continue, but no, we soldiered on, out of sheer spite and determination. And probably alcohol poisoning.

It felt almost akin to taking a shit, and after 30 seconds of deciding whether or not to keep trying to create a new flavour of craft beer in my asshole, we went back to P in V. While this is a no no, we did have protection for the first half. Unfortunately, the condom got stuck in my butthole upon pulling out, and with all the gracefulness in the world, he tugged it out, stretching it to its absolute limits before it came out of my ass with a gentle popping sound. Ah, the ambience.

Anyway, I guess this is a roundabout way of saying that beer can be used as lube, although it isn't really recommended. It also gives a whole new meaning to the name 'double brown'.

- double brown

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Massive

News

The F*cking News 7/9/2020 Massive Magazine

ASA President Dallin Niuelua presenting at the SGM.

ASA ANNOUNCES RESTRUCTURING OF EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE ROLES

By Dani Molloy

T

he ASA announced a downsizing restructure of the Executive Committee at a Special General Meeting, which has drawn criticism from some students.

The Executive Committee will downsize from eight roles to six. The current structure consists of the President and Vice-President, two Executive roles and four representative roles.

With these new changes, the President and Vice-President roles will remain; however, they will be supported by four “Officer” roles. These Officer positions will be Engagement, Education, Welfare and Cultural. The Officer positions will streamline the Executive and Representative roles and require each student in an Officer position to work 8 hours per week.

these roles had offered opportunities for students studying degrees with a high number of contact hours to be part of the ASA Executive.

They explained that they thought the restructure might lead to a lack of representation of students studying demanding degrees on the ASA Executive team.

However, the majority vote approved the restructure and it will be put into effect for next year’s Executive Committee.

Student president Dallin Niuelua explained that when developing the roles the ASA “tried to model it after the Māori framework of Te Whare Tapa Whā. That talks about recognising that the wellbeing of a student is made up of many factors.”

The key reasons for the restructure was to reduce doubling-up of responsibilities between roles and to ensure that students come into the roles knowing exactly how many hours are expected Engineering students expressed that of them.

Concerns were raised about the ASA no longer offering roles with low hours, such as the representative positions, which were 3-4 hours per week.

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“We are cutting it down peoplewise but we’re upping everyone’s hours to create a small, tight-knit, core group,” Niuelua said.

Students have differing points of view on the return to online learning.

MASSEY ALBANY STUDENTS FORCED TO READJUST TO LIFE IN LOCKDOWN AGAIN

By Dani Molloy

M

assey Albany students have to last semester, also explained that she mixed reviews on the return has had a much better experience this to online learning after semester.

Auckland was sent into Level 3 early last “They have helped me a lot with my month. conditions with double time and “At first, I was fine going into Level 3 and extensions when necessary. All I didn’t think it would change much,” around a better experience this said psychology student Claudia. time!”

“But as time went on, my motivation died. I felt like it has affected my studies Meanwhile, communications student a lot because I used my study time as a Jasmine said that she felt calmer going way to wind down but now that I have all into Level 3 and that she, ‘liked the the time to wind down it’s become more slower pace of life.’ of a chore.”

“In terms of studies, I do feel a little less

alert levels entail, how to get extra assistance and where to access support through academic services or student health and wellbeing.

She said that the lockdown in turn affected her grades as she was spending less time on assignments than she normally would have.

motivated, but university always has the resources available so it’s up to us to go for them,” she explained. “I think lecturers can only handle themselves as “I can say my lecturers are dealing with well as the situation allows.” the circumstances a lot better this time. “It’s hard on everyone to adjust and they They know what to expect this semester can only make do with what they have so and nothing is unknown.” hats off to them as well!”

Claudia, who has learning difficulties The university has ensured that students that she felt weren’t adequately catered are informed about what the changing

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MUSA President Stefan Biberstein.

MUSA PRESIDENT SHOWS REMORSE FOR DEROGATORY COMMENTS MADE ONLINE (AGAIN )

By Laura Macdonald

M

USA student president Stefan Biberstein has apologised for calling his 2019 political opponent Rohit Mohan a 'criminal' in a Facebook group chat.

Screenshots of the chat, dated at the end of September 2019, were sent to Massive by an anonymous source, where Biberstein commented on Mohan's international student status in a derogatory manner.

"The criminal known as rohit was trying to use musa to illegally overstay in nz and convinced the international students to help him do it. in my opinion," read the message, which received two 'wow reacts' from fellow group members.

“I’m glad to have been called out, it gives me the opportunity to reflect on how I react to these situations, acknowledge the hurt my actions generate and take a proactive approach to recognising the humanity in everyone.”

When another person replied to the message asking the election results, Biberstein replied saying Mohan was getting deported. This was incorrect.

The source sent Massive the screenshots in wake of an article that was published in a previous issue about racist and sexist comments Biberstein made on an old Reddit account.

"I personally find Stefan's apology for Biberstein said he has since sent an apology his comments on Reddit to be weak and to Mohan for his ‘callous and dehumanising unpersuasive. Further, we believe that attempt at humour in a private group chat.’ during Stefan's campaign he drew on racial prejudice when opposing the other “I was angry and frustrated with the candidate." contentious elements of the MUSA executive election from September 2019, but there is never a reason to denigrate our fellow humans, privately or publicly,” he said.

Massive Magazine | Issue 11

Massey Wellington's marae was due to be completed in 2016.

MASSEY MARAE BUILD FURTHER DELAYED

BY COVID-19 RESTRICTIONS

By Tyler Hambleton and Laura Macdonald

A

n inside source has told Massive “Despite this, progress is still Magazine that the reason for being made and we anticipate the the incompletion of the marae completion of the art installation on the Massey Wellington campus is due next month.” to the project being $700,000 short on building a canopy between the wharenui Codes of compliance were issued for the wharenui and wharekai in August last and wharekai. year after design and build issues delayed The marae was set to be completed in the project.

2016, but four years later the $1.875 million dollar construction and re- The marae is said to provide a culturally significant embodiment of the positioning project is still yet to open. university’s Te Tiriti led aspirations, along A spokesperson from Massey University with recognising the Te Kuratini Marae, denied the source’s allegations around which previously stood on the same site the cost of the canopy, saying that quotes and ‘played a pivotal role in the life of the have still not been confirmed for finishing Pukeahu [Wellington] Campus.’ costs due to delays caused by COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

“This in turn has meant that some work scheduled for earlier this year has been delayed, and that some details for the last remaining work to be done requires further and final confirmation,” they added.

Aside from the canopy, there is still some further landscaping work to be completed.

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Massive Magazine | Issue 11

Five ways weed has changed someone’s life Elise Cacace On the prospect of New Zealand legalising marijuana, many people have already established which side they will cast their vote on. There’s the pro-cannabis club, fighting for a world where a Saturday sesh is as normal as a night out in town; then there’s the Say Nope To Dope crew, arguing against legal recreational use of marijuana in New Zealand. Like most things in life, there are ups and downs with any outcome, and in the end not everyone is going to be happy. For the sake of this article I’ll take neither a positive nor negative stance regarding the referendum, and instead hope to make your decision a lot harder by outlining five ways weed has changed someone’s life both for the better… and the worse.

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“I was addicted to weed” The title of this piece is bound to get some eye rolls. Saying you’re addicted to weed is one of the most instantaneous ways to get socially ridiculed and look like a square. Drug addiction (according to the cool kids who’ve all ‘done their research’) is only legit if it’s related to the hard stuff. If you can’t shoot it, it ain’t shit. The almighty cancer curing, pain relieving, sweet sweet marijuana couldn’t possibly be addictive.

Her story doesn’t involve sunken cheekbones and severe itching, but chain smoking joints in musty pyjamas.

“I was obsessed with weed. I would go into a massive panic when I was running low and do literally anything to get my hands on more. I lied, stole, begged. My work suffered, I was constantly high. I wouldn’t leave the house on weekends and could barely ever find the energy to walk to the supermarket on the corner of my street. I knew my life was a mess but I couldn’t stop. Smoking was the only thing that made me feel happy and satisfied, without it I always felt like something was missing.

Marijuana is meant to be a gentle, middle class medicine that keeps you healthy and de-stressed. Looking at my life the mess of joint papers and weed strewn about my kitchen table and how quickly my life was spiralling downhill – I looked and felt like an addict. I knew I had to change. This is where the “pot isn’t addictive” argument comes into play. For a few days I fought against my willpower to smoke a joint and decided to detox, and actually felt much better for it! The worst side effect I got was night sweats, but apart from that I began feeling a lot more energetic. I didn’t physically suffer like most people coming off drugs do. My addiction stemmed from the fact that I couldn’t imagine another way of living. My addiction was so embedded in my daily routine that I felt like my life had no purpose when I wasn’t completing this cycle, and that I had no other effective methods of calming the chaos inside my head.

My addiction ended with a fizzle not a bang. I slowly weaned myself off the joint and into the normal world, and today I feel so much better for it.”

“Weed unlocked my passion for art” “I’m an artist. I like drawing and creating paintings. I would say without a doubt, my art is cannabis inspired. It allows me to melt away all the distractions, to get in the zone quicker, to be in the zone longer and to help me think and focus on what I love doing, and to feel at ease with everything. I used to be so self-conscious with showing people my art, and so afraid of judgement. I would struggle to find things to paint, and when I did, I would struggle to find the motivation to paint it. Weed offered me a different perspective to all that, and has allowed me not only to be more imaginative, expressive and proud of my art, but to also sit back and enjoy the process of watching my paintings come alive.

I’ve now set up an art studio which has surprisingly become super popular in my area, and whenever someone picks up a piece to buy, I’ll explain to them what it means and they’re always super amazed at how I can capture not only what I was feeling, but something that they can also relate to as well. If you smoke weed, you enjoy visual art they go hand in hand together. The biggest support I get as an artist is from the cannabis community. Cannabis is an outlet that I know appeals to many people in my area, and if it wasn’t for cannabis and the cannabis community, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am now and I wouldn’t be a full time artist living out my dream. I owe my career to cannabis. If it wasn’t for smoking, I know I wouldn’t have anywhere near as much inspiration, concentration, motivation and success as I do now.”

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“It almost killed me” “I’ve abused my lungs quite a bit in the past. I’m an avid weed smoker - have been since my teens - and now I’m almost 77. It’s always been weed, never cigarettes, can’t stand the taste of ‘em, but weed is the good stuff.

I’m a singer/songwriter, and am actually quite popular in my town. I’ve played at all the local festivals, and when I was in my twenties I went on a tour to other towns in the country to play. Like every person that thinks they’re a rockstar, I relied heavily on drugs to keep me buzzing and motivated – but weed was always the only thing I smoked. It’s just something that comes naturally with music.

Now I’m in my old age, I’m definitely suffering from those choices. I started having breathing problems over ten years ago, and a couple of times I had to cancel a gig or stop halfway through a song because I just couldn’t breathe.

Now I’ve been officially diagnosed with lung cancer. The thing with being young (and being human) is that it’s all about living in the moment. We do things that are bad for us, not caring about our future selves because it’s in the future. If I could go back now though, I’d cut back on the smoking. I’d sit my young self down and explain how shit it feels to have a machine breathing for you, or having to wheel an oxygen tank around with you everywhere you go, and if I could just send everyone one message, it would be to look after yourself.”

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“Weed saved me” Anxiety always seems to manifest in teenagers and adults. It’s such a common part of life and almost the entirety of mine has been shaped by it.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from severe panic attacks to the point that I am unable to leave my home. Social situations freak me out. The outdoors freaks me out. Anything I can’t quite understand freaks me out.

Of course, I’ve been to see an uncountable amount of doctors, and have been prescribed an even bigger amount of antidepressants and long term mood-stabilising regimes. I’ve taken a huge variety of doses and combinations of medicine over the course of four years in hope of finding a good balance between relief from my anxiety and minimising the amount of side effects they have, such as insomnia and rapid weight gain. Often though, the side effects would get too unbearable and I would drop my doses or stop taking the medications entirely, and then of course, I would fall apart again.

Eventually I was offered cannabis. Not from a doctor but from a friend that came to visit me one evening. We smoked a joint out on my balcony and suddenly everything changed for me. I had no idea why I hadn’t tried it before or thought of it sooner, but as soon as I took a puff I relaxed and all my anxiety seemed to just melt away.

Eventually I stopped all my other medications and began using marijuana as my sole medication. I talked to my doctors about it, who at first were less enthusiastic about the idea, but after explaining my struggle with pharmaceutical drugs and all the positive effects that smoking marijuana has had on my life, I was able to get a prescription for it. Now it has been just over a year since I first smoked marijuana, and I am able to go outside and attend social events and do all the things I used to wish I was able to do. Weed has definitely allowed me to live a normal life, and I am forever in its debt!

“I thought my life was over” “Weed really affected my health. A couple of years ago I would spend every evening in bed with my bowl of weed, packing bong after bong. I always felt so in control of my body, and because of the common assumption that ‘weed isn’t addictive’, my mind was telling me that I could quit any time I wanted to. That I didn’t have a problem. It wasn’t until a friend challenged me to a week without weed that I realised this wasn’t the case.

I knew the first evening without smoking weed would be the hardest. It was like I lost a friend, and I wasn’t myself until I had my daily cones. Still, I pushed through it and played video games and tried to do all the same things I would normally do but without the weed. The next day though, I started getting really bad headaches. I never usually get headaches, but when I did I would just smoke some weed and it would disappear almost immediately.

Of course, I couldn’t smoke any weed so I tried panadol and aspirins which didn’t help in the slightest. Still I pushed through it. Over the course of the week I began having difficulty sleeping, and there were a couple of nights when I didn’t sleep at all. My temperature would fluctuate from really hot to really cold, and I would get these intense stomach pains followed by intense cravings for just one hit. My mood started to change, I became a lot more irritable. I knew then that I was screwed, and that I really was hooked on the drug. I thought my life was over.

That was the wake up call I needed though, and I ultimately sought help and ended up working through it with a great support network and quitting once and for all.”

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Explaining End of Life Dani Molloy

In the upcoming election, you will be expected to vote on two referendums: the Cannabis Legislation and Control Referendum, and the End of Life Choice referendum.

Massive Magazine | Issue 11

While the cannabis referendum has received extensive attention from students passionate about politics or desperate for drugs, the End of Life Choice referendum has been overlooked by many students despite potentially impacting their friends, family and loved ones.

allowed to bring up the option of assisted death themselves. The possibility for assisted death must be initiated by the patient.

The End of Life Choice Act was introduced by Act Party leader David Seymour. If passed, the act will allow New Zealand citizens or permanent residents over the age of 18 who live with a terminal illness to have the option to request assisted dying.

These issues are all important to consider when deciding how to cast your vote in October, and politics clubs at Massey have been actively attempting to ensure that students are informed about the topics they’re voting on.

In order to request an assisted death, you must be suffering with a terminal illness that is likely to end your life within six months and must be in a state of irreversible decline. However, the Act allows people to request an assisted death as soon as they receive a terminal diagnosis which means that there is a risk of patients choosing to end their life while still in shock, under stress or facing stages of grief.

Massey University Albany Politics Club has said that they are actively trying to get students involved in both referenda. Vice-President Liam Cairns said that the club has “been planning events to get students engaged with both referendums, such as debates between pro and anti-cannabis legislation and end of life choice speakers.”

According to the Ministry of Health, the process from requesting assisted death to death could take just four working days. In other countries with similar acts, such as Canada, the process takes at least 10 days.

Patients’ requests for assisted death also don’t take into context their mental health issues. A terminally ill person can be eligible for assisted death if they also have mental health issues and are not required to receive support for their mental illness before deciding on assisted death.

There are also concerns about vulnerable individuals being pressured into ending their life through assisted death. Some of the ways that the Act seeks to prevent this is by ensuring that medical professionals are not

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However, this doesn’t fix the feeling of being a burden that many elderly people face which could lead them to opting for assisted death.

Liam concluded that, “Ultimately, the End of Life Choice bill is unlikely to affect students personally. However, students may want to consult friends and family members who may be directly affected, such as those currently suffering from a terminal illness.”

“They may also want to consider – based on their own values and beliefs – whether they would like to have the choice open to them if they found themselves in a similar situation.”

If the majority vote is in favour of passing the Bill, then the Act will automatically come into force as it’s currently written so it’s important that students are aware of what the End of Life Choice bill entails and what will happen if it's passed.

“Our aim with these events is to provide a politically neutral source of information for students to help with their decision making about the upcoming referendum,” he added.

“However, the uncertainty and disruption the lockdowns have caused has made it very difficult to secure speakers and venues.”

Cairns also said that, in his opinion, the End of Life Bill has seen more development than the cannabis legislation referendum. Therefore, it requires immediate attention from students.

“Personally, I think there has been ample discussion from politicians and in the media on both issues, although End of Life has been passed in the house and received royal assent whereas cannabis legislation hasn’t.”

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The absolute state of politics at Massey Manawat큰 James Pocock In my homeland of Hawkes Bay, through the humble suburb of Taradale, there flows a river. This river was long ago named the T큰taekur카 River, and in the longstanding tradition of M훮ori names telling it like it is, this translates into English as Dog Shit River.

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A river can be something that brings sustenance to the people of the land but in New Zealand many can be disgusting, polluted cesspools too. It is because of this that I believe the good ol’ Dog Shit River serves as the perfect metaphor for politics.

Despite the boomer stereotype and *ahem* minor statistical fact that young people are generally more uninvolved or apathetic towards voting and politics, universities still tend to bring out the most extreme of commitment to causes and controversies that students can muster.

This is because, to use another stereotype, as well as being too lazy to vote us young people are also a very idealistic folk. Some wallow deep in the mud of the mighty Tūtaekurī and we relish it. Chloe Swarbrick becoming an MP at 23 and making some of the biggest splashes around in climate change and drug policy is just one example. Even in Palmerston North, the local National and ACT candidates are 18 and 19 years old respectively.

However, the spirit of the Tūtaekurī does not seem to flow through the veins of the students at Massey Manawatū compared to students at other universities, and it is this strange phenomenon I wanted to investigate.

Other Universities such as Victoria or Auckland both have their own politics societies, alongside a dearth of political club options including but not limited to Young Labour, Young Nats, Young Act, Young Greens, TOP on campus, the International Socialist Club and so on.

These other university clubs also boast much higher membership numbers, with clubs for smaller parties like Young Act at Vic having approximately 100 members.

In comparison, the Manawatū Massey Campus’ Politics Society was formerly

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Massey Manawatū’s only officially registered political club. It is on hiatus, as of the end of last year.

According to former social media manager Daniel Curtis, while the club was at its peak in 2018 it had six to seven active members which dropped to three or four in 2019.

“I think (Massey Manawatū students) are involved, they just don’t necessarily show it,” he said.

“In terms of protests and marches, we really don’t have much going on here, unless it’s something big that everyone can get on board upon, like the Black Lives Matter protests that happened a month or two ago, or the big climate change ones as well.”

Although not an overtly political event, I could also recall Thursdays in Black marches at Massey Manawatū campus as recently as September last year involving almost 100 people. This was proof that students here could get passionately behind causes.

The most successful political event was a David Seymour talk attended by around 40-60 people last year organised by the Political Society alongside former Massey student and now Palmerston North candidate for the Act party Jack Phillips.

Jack said that during 2019 he ran his own Young Act on the campus that was not registered or affiliated with MUSA. His club had approximately 20 registered members, with five or six of those regularly attending meetings.

He believes that besides the Political Society, his group may have been the only other active political student group based on campus.

In his words, Massey Manawatū is, “the second most apathetic campus in New Zealand after Lincoln University.” After looking up Lincoln University to be

reminded that it exists, I realised this was exactly as bad as it sounded, and we might as well have been the most apathetic.

But was apathy really the problem?

I decided to speak with 11 different strangers I found in the library to get answers. What I found was that none could name more than two of the candidates for the local MP’s seat.

This was not a good start. Thankfully, they all seemed to at least be aware of the basics around the upcoming End of Life Choice Bill and Cannabis referendums.

Most said they liked to discuss politics with their friends occasionally, and that they knew of people who were politically active locally. They agreed that Massey Manawatū students did seem overall less into actively caring about politics compared to other universities.

Many said that Victoria University’s proximity to the Beehive and location in the capital were both conducive to student political engagement. Auckland was also viewed to have an advantage due to be such a large city and hub of so much activity.

While I don’t believe this fully explains the political void here, it comforted me to learn that most people here still did independent research for the elections. So, we in the Manawatū may not be the loudest or even the most knowledgeable when it comes to politics. But at least it seems that hidden in these cold STEM degree hearts, there might still be just the tiniest little bit of passion left for abstract things like people in colour coded clothing dissing each other and sexual harassment scandals. And that gives me hope for the future.

17

BOUGIE ALTERNATIVES TO SMOKING CHOP

- Tobac Hoe

When one of the boys told me they sometimes substituted tobacco for chamomile in their spliffs/cones, it got me thinking (or rather, googling). What less harmful herbal substitutes could we use to make our fid bags stretch that little bit further?

Damiana This small shrub is native to Central America, Mexico, the Caribbean and South America, and has long been hailed as an aphrodisiac.

Arousal is sometimes hard to achieve through the fug of a body high, so this could help. It is said to also produce feelings of euphoria and soothe anxiety, which makes it the perfect accompaniment for your nightly unwinding cone. However, higher doses of the plant are said to produce a hallucinogenic effect. And we’re not talking third-eye opening, spiritual hallucinations; we’re talking hallucinations that give you symptoms similar to having fucking rabies. But this is only a risk if you’re honking through 200g+, so a dusting on top of your spliff every now and then isn’t likely to send you into a frothing frenzy.

Kanna Traditionally, the South Africans absolutely rave about this shit. They inhale it, chew it and brew it up for a relaxing cuppa. It’s said to decrease anxiety, tension and stress, which makes it a natural choice for a tobacco substitute. It starts off producing a euphoric feeling, which later settles into relaxation. However, it’s been said to produce the same effects as SSRI’s, which means you should consult with your doctor on its potential side effects if you’re already on SSRI medication or St. John’s Wort.

Blue Lotus This pretty blue flower was revered by the Ancient Egyptians as an aphrodisiac for men and women alike (honestly wondering at this point whether there’s any plants that AREN’T aphrodisiacs). Smoking this with cannabis adds a nice flavour as well as complementing the bud’s euphoric effects. Fun fact: it’s believed that Egyptians soaked the flower in wine or other alcohol to enhance its psychoactive properties. It also has a sedative quality so would also be a great chop alternative for that ‘nightcap’ cone or spliff.

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Chamomile This is the cheapest alternative, coming in at $16.00 for 100g while the plants listed above have already soared well into the hundreds of dollars. This is probably its most appealing factor as its sedative/ calming properties are nowhere near as potent as damiana, blue lotus and kanna. However, it has also been long used to treat stomach ailments so if you’re crook and poor, this is definitely the chop alternative for you. Just make sure you buy actual whole, dried chamomile flowers to crumble on top of your cone - cutting open one of those weak ass teabags won’t do shit.

Lavender This one goes out to all you bougie e-girls. Not only will this one mask the sour earthy smell of bud, lavender has the terpene ‘linalool’ which is also found in some strains of cannabis. Smoking lavender with cannabis is said to produce what is called the ‘entourage effect’, meaning that cannabinoids like THC and CBD synergise with the linalool to boost and alter your high. I also only read this on a cannabis forum with no scientific references whatsoever so don’t blame me if you just get a mouthful of lavender. Again, you’re a mug if you just go out into your garden and grab a bunch of lavender to mix into your cone. You need to pour boiling water onto fresh branches or dry flowers, then cover the plater for five minutes. You can then filter and consume it at your own pace.

I really ended up down the rabbit hole (and by rabbit hole I mean weird Reddit forums) to compile all of this newfound alternative smoking knowledge. You can buy the more niche herbs like Kanna and Blue Lotus from websites like Mindfuel, iHerb and Herbal House. Now go forth; curb your nicotine addiction and hotbox your room with some heady herbal goodness.

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XOË HALL Xoë Hall Xoë is a Pōneke based painter of Māori (Kāi tahu), Danish, English and Irish descent. Her murals and canvas works tell stories of the tīpuna of this land, with a modern twist and a shake of glitter.

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Trail-blazing with Mary Jane Ever since our lovely editor told me a couple of weeks ago that I wasn’t allowed to go to her party unless I wrote an article for the magazine, I knew I wanted to be a journalist. So, I did the only thing you can do in a situation that requires profound thinking. I rolled a doobie. By the time it had puff-puff-passed its way back around to me, I had an idea. I would boldly go where no stoner had dared to have gone before. My metamorphosis from blazer to trailblazer had begun.

The pitch was simple, “Basically, we ask people on our socials to send in an activity they’ve always wanted to try while high but never have. I'll just get cooked af and do the things… and idk… maybe rate them?” and that is exactly what I did.

“I’ve always wanted to go to the doctors or the dentist. Don’t judge.”

Now this submission really put the THC in ‘Healthcare’, and I was all for it. Conveniently, I had an appointment at Family Planning to have the contraceptive rod in my arm removed and replaced. What could go wrong?

Baked level: My eyes looked like lips and I thought ducks were trying to sneak up on me.

The procedure itself was an absolute ‘mare. I needed three times as much local anaesthetic than normal, which we only discovered after she made the first incision. Even after the third dose was administered, I could still feel everything. After 20 minutes of extremely forceful tugging without dislodging the rod, the nurse took a hold of my arm, braced down against it and pulled with all her might. I felt a burning sensation and could’ve sworn I heard a tearing sound. The nurse thought it would be helpful to explain while fishing around in what I imagine was a gaping hole in my arm, that my tissue had grown around the rods so the ‘sensation’ I was probably feeling was “the tissue ripping loose.” Needless to say it wasn’t helpful.

The harder I tried not to think about it, the more I would.

In the end, what was supposed to be a 20 minute painless procedure turned into 45 minutes of torture. But here’s the thing... I loved the entire experience. Torture aside, I had a great time with the nurse. Even if she knew I was as high as a kite, she didn’t let on. She happily answered all my obscure questions, asked some of her own, and talked openly about her own experiences with contraception, surgeries, life ambitions, and even recreational drugs… but that's between me and her.

Rating: 7/10 Probably won’t do it again, but I’ll look back on the experience fondly.

“Do a horror maze or haunted house.”

A sesh and a scare? It sounded like a bit of me.

Baked level: I finished my iskender only to look back at my plate a few seconds later and wonder ‘Who in the fuck ate my iskender?’

The fact that we had to sign a legal waiver before we started got me thinking that maybe I should be taking this activity a bit more seriously. Then I remembered that the guy who had signed us in had his face painted like a skeleton, so I didn’t feel the need to worry about it much longer.

Skeleton-face’s spiel made me really appreciate for the first time that there were people in the world who were paid to scare people. The thought became funnier with the realisation that I was the one paying them. I literally paid $35 for someone dressed as a dead pirate to jump out and scare me. My mind went on a tangent as I started to wonder why people got into this line of work. I began to think that maybe the reason was, that the scarers got-off on scaring people. As we were leaving, I couldn’t help but look at Skeleton-face with suspicion... That dirty bastard.

Kinks and fetishes aside, the haunted house experience was pretty good. I do have to give it to the team at Fear Factory… even though they weren’t able to touch us due to Level 2 restrictions, they still managed to make me pee a little.

Unfortunately, there’s only so many times you can jump out of the dark and make loud noises before the novelty wears off.

Rating: 5/10 If you’re into fear play, you’ll love this - especially at Level 1.

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“Ooooh body painting.”

I had the body, all that was left to do was find some paint and artistic ability.

Baked level: I started referring to myself in third person which was odd enough before factoring in that I was alone.

I’m not sure what was higher, me or my expectations for this activity. My salt lamp was on, some relaxing lo-fi hip-hop beats were playing; this was going to be bliss. I laid down one of the flatmate’s old sheets (sorry bud) and stripped down to my unmentionables, only to realise the brushes and paints were still in the car. I made a mad dash through the rain to my car and back to get onto the task at hand, only to realise I'd now left the brushes in the car. After a final freezing run through the rain, I was finally ready to create a masterpiece.

Once that paintbrush touched my skin, I ceased to care what the painting looked like. The feeling was euphoric. I sat there painting myself until the early hours of the morning. I can genuinely say I have never felt more beautiful than in that moment; I felt like I was glowing. When I took myself to the mirror to see the finished product, I wished I hadn’t. I could’ve been a child’s art piece from 7 Days’ ‘My Kid Could Draw That’ because I looked like a confusing mess.

It took three quarters of an hour to wash all the paint off… or so I thought. The next day someone pointed out that I had some blue paint behind my ear. I pretended to have no idea how it got there.

Rating: 9/10 Lost a point for the admin of cleaning, but will definitely be doing it again.

“Meditation would be zen af I reckon” The last time I meditated I felt myself die and my soul leave my body. I was sober. This was going to be interesting.

Baked level: I spent a concerningly long time trying to decide what the colours of a sunrise would taste like I had already experienced death and soul ascension by meditation once and I wasn’t looking to do it a second time. I decided to opt for a different form of meditation to limit the chances that I would. After doing some research, I decided to try some vocal toning. Vocal toning is the ancient practice of making sustained vowel sounds with your voice to vibrationally activate and heal the cells of your body and clear the body’s energy pathways. I found a 12-minute audio to follow along with and let the energy flow. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say it was the most enlightening 12 minutes of my life.

When the sound of my voice matched perfectly with that of the video, I swear I could see colours in my pitch-black room.

Each vowel sound produced a different colour and taste in my mouth, but they all generated the same vibrating sensation deep within my chest. I couldn’t liken it to anything except having a vibrator embedded between your lungs and against your spine. It doesn’t sound pleasant, but I can assure you it was. When the 12-minutes were up my body felt completely rejuvenated, despite having gone through that ordeal at Family Planning earlier the same day. All I can say is thank you to the submitter, the experience was, as you put it, zen af.

Rating: 10/10 I could do this every day for the rest of my life.

I sat outside and reflected on the days events as I smoked my fifth and final joint of the day.

My weed jar may have been empty but my heart was full because I had done what I set out to do.

I got high and did the things for those that couldn’t. I was The Trailblazer, the hero that literally no one asked for.

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The Future of Dispensaries Tyler Hambleton

You may not believe it, and your conservative grandparents may not want it, but many small and legal Kiwi cannabis grow operations have already started preparing for a future where cannabis is legalised.

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It’s 2020, the world and New Zealand are in the midst of a global pandemic that has killed over 800,000 people worldwide. Whilst looking at this statistic you may think that the world is a pretty gloomy place to be, or you could look at the positives like I am going to in this piece about the future of recreational cannabis.

Pioneering operations include the Hikurangi Group, who have started Rua Bioscience LTD which operates out of Ruatoria, an East Coast area with a strong Māori spiritual connection.

The company says that Rua Bioscience aims to “provide pharmaceutical grade cannabis at affordable prices.”

Other companies such as Cannasouth aim to achieve similar goals, with a goal in mind of developing, “nextgeneration cannabinoid therapeutics to support patients' health outcomes and improve their quality of life.”

I tried to contact Cannasouth to discuss their future plans growing and distributing cannabis after the referendum, but my attempts fell on deaf ears. However, Cannasouth has a section on their website called “The Investor Centre” and in 2019 Cannasouth was listed on the New Zealand Main Board, (NZX) and raised $10 million from public investors.

I was lucky enough to speak to recent Cannasouth investor Tom Aitchison on why he chose to invest in a medical cannabis company.

“With the recent decriminalisation of marijuana, as well as the increased research and prescribing of cannabis based medicines in New Zealand, I recognised that there was an opportunity for a New Zealand based company to fuel the growth of this industry in New Zealand,” he said.

“I am a person that firmly believes in medicinal value of the compounds found in the cannabis plant and the endless benefits they present for minor medical ailments, all the way up to severe terminal illnesses. Hence, I jumped on the opportunity to support a nationally based company that is

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actively researching and producing medicines derived from the cannabis plant.”

may seem like everyone wants cannabis to be legal, I can assure you that this is not the case.

Tom and companies like Cannasouth obviously support the passing of the referendum as it will only catalyse their shares and growth.

The “Say Nope To Dope” campaign has been running for some time now; the group is built up of concerned individuals and organisations that “oppose any attempt to legalise I also spoke to Dunedin based company marijuana for recreational purposes.”

Greenstone Dispensary and asked if they had plans to move from selling The campaign has over 15 New Zealand smoking products to cannabis, if the based organisations on board with referendum was to pass. their stance, including the Sensible Sentencing Trust, The Drug Detection Business Development Manager Cody Agency and Methcon which is a drug was eager to expand. education group.

“Absolutely, I have been a long term Only 63.92% of New Zealanders aged supporter of legalisation, setting up an 18-24 are enrolled to vote, whereas actual dispensary would be a dream in the 50+ age group, 90% plus are come true,” he said. enrolled to vote.

“We are mostly just excited to have it So I finally urge you, if you have not under a legal framework. The strength already enrolled, go and do so. Also, do limits appear to be a little harsh your best to educate others on the pros and testing for strengths could be and cons of the legalisation of cannabis prohibitively expensive, but removing in New Zealand, as thanks to Covid-19 the criminal element is extremely the election will now be held on attractive.”

October the 17th, giving people longer to enrol and educate themselves.

Under the new bill, you will be able to buy up to 14 grams of cannabis, which A yes vote for the legalisation is equivalent to half an ounce. This of cannabis also works towards amount can only be purchased once a promoting harm reduction day and only from licensed outlets. surrounding the use of cannabis, as the supply will become more regulated, Local businesses will not be affected ultimately making it safer and easier to by major companies dominating the market as a cap is set to be put on sales. purchase.

Businesses cannot supply more than 20% of the intended cap and no online sales are permitted, according to the draft bill.

Only dried cannabis will be available for sale initially, and in the long run other products may enter onto the market. This includes edibles and concentrates, which will have to be approved through further regulations.

You can also tell concerned parents that their children will not accidentally get high off an ‘edible gummy bear’ as any edibles will be restricted to baked goods that don’t require refrigeration or heating.

Whilst living within a progressive student bubble, as many of us do, it

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Online Dating As A Fat Woman Cameron Taylor

Existing as a fat woman can be shitty. Then, you add online dating to the mix.

Worse: online dating with MEN.

Now, I’m not against online dating. I met my ex on Tinder, and we were pretty happy for over two years, until he turned out to be a lying cheater. But anyway, it’s an obvious truth that fat women are constantly hypersexualised and fetishised by men behind the safety of a screen. I can confidently say that the majority of the advances I’ve received from men have been sexual, rather than romantic. There’s three signature lines I’ve encountered on my journey that support this statement.

Firstly, there’s the classic ’I’ve never been with a big girl before’. You see, when you’re a fat woman, you’re seen as a rare creature. These men want to get a closer look at you, inspect your body, see if the rumours of being with a ‘big girl’ are all they’re cracked up to be. But the gag is, they’ll only do this behind closed doors, and never in the public eye. Being intimate with a fat woman is one thing, but dating one? Falling in love with one?

The patriarchy could never.

Secondly, my messages are constantly flooded with lines like ‘Damn, you’re thick’. Yes, I know. I don’t need you sliding into my DM’s and pointing out the obvious. You see, men have this theory that being called ‘thick’ is some huge compliment that fat women should just swoon over. We must absolutely froth it because any advance we receive, we should be ‘grateful’ for. But honestly, nobody should be applauded for liking a fat woman. PSA for the boys out there

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who think this shit actually works; simply complimenting us won’t get us into bed.

We’re fat, not desperate. We don’t just bone anything that breathes.

Lastly, we’ve got the very overdone ‘I don’t know if I could handle all of you’. Okay then, don’t. I wasn’t asking you to. Who said I even wanted you to? Fat women don’t need to be ‘handled’. We’re not some impossible force to be reckoned with, and we won’t explode if we aren’t carefully treated with the right tools. We’re just women that are fat. And if you don’t want to ‘handle’ us, whatever that means, we can do it ourselves just fine.

So, what narrative does this write for fat women trying to date? Simply put, we’re seen as fuckable but not datable. We’re an exciting risk to take, a secret affair men keep sealed behind their dirty lips.

A free trial for their first plus-size sexual experience to see if they want to do it again.

We have to rifle through the slim selection (Palmy North’s Tinder, I am looking at you) of men that are attracted to us, and feel grateful that anyone is attracted to us at all. Never knowing if it’s genuine, or if it’s some big fucking joke between a guy and his mates to see if he can get you into bed. Coming across the ones that are sexually attracted to fat women, but are deeply ashamed of it because society is fatphobic as fuck.

We constantly have to defend ourselves, because if we aren’t receiving sexual

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messages on our apps, chances are we’re receiving fat-shaming messages instead.

I can’t tell you the amount of guys I’ve matched with on Tinder who have just straight-up called me fat or chubby. What do they want me to say? ‘Oh my god, really? Holy fuck, thank you SO much for letting me know. I don’t own a mirror and have never looked at myself naked, so I had no idea. I owe you my life.’ Come up with something more original, babe. Your words don’t hurt me, they make me laugh.

Fatphobia is a deeply-rooted system of oppression within our society. Fat people are seen as less worthy, ugly, disgusting.

People FEAR becoming us, they don’t wish to get to know us, they cast us aside like fucking brussel sprouts on their Christmas plate. And so, sometimes it can feel like our dating story is already written for us. The narrative is predetermined, and we just have to act as passive participants in the matter. Society says fat women are ugly, therefore we must be grateful for any attention we receive.

Do you know what I say to that narrative?

FUCK THAT. I’m not going to get on my knees and thank God that some guy paid a speckle of attention to me just because I’m fat. I’m not going to waste my time on a guy who would treat me like a lost shoe at the bottom of his closet, never bothering to take me out. I’m not going to be like Neon and offer a two week free trial, just for some disrespectful asshole to stick it in me and finish in two minutes.

I’m a hot, beautiful, sexy, FAT woman

who does not exist to fulfill a man’s secret wet dream. My confidence is intimidating and threatening, because I refuse to shrink myself for the comfort of others.

I completely reject the box that society has built for me. The thought of a fat girl knowing her worth and not settling for less is unnerving, especially when men realise they can’t control me in the slightest.

For my fellow fat women out there, you are THAT BITCH. Don’t fuck him just because you feel like he’s the only one out there who wants you. Don’t settle for the guy who wants you late at night, but never in the morning. Don’t stay with a man who hides all of your glory behind their bedroom door. If casual sex is your thing and you don’t want something serious, there’s nothing wrong with that.

But please, just don’t settle for less if that’s not what you truly desire. There’s so many men out there who want you. Go for the guy who takes you out for Italian food in your most revealing dress. Who shows you ALL the affection, no matter who the fuck is looking. Who wants everyone to know that he’s crazy about you, curves and all.

Fat women are changing the dating scene as we speak. We’re fucking shit up, and looking bomb while doing it. Get amongst it or get lost.

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Basic Witches Tui Lou Christie

A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-about-Wellington.

Catch me in the Aro Valley op shop forming psychic links with the dolls, or at Frank Kitts Park communing with the seagulls, or at Third Eye on Cuba street, shoplifting. Reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self.

Event / Full moon drumming circle in Lyall Bay ★ ★ ★

A lovely communal atmosphere, but not nearly enough blood rituals for my taste. If you're planning on attending, I recommend bringing your own sacrifice.

3 out of 5 stars, would dance naked here again.

Place / The Johnsonville mall ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Wow! What an adventure. I had barely been there 20 minutes before the portal to the underworld opened up in the Muffin Break!

Convenient and cheap way of contacting any spirits you need. 5 out of 5 stars, would vacation here again.

Restaurant / The Burger Fuel in Lower Hutt

Book / Grave Robbing: A Beginner’s Guide

★

★ ★

Terrible service! When I asked the cashier for extra sauce, he just laughed maniacally and his eyes rolled back in his head. When I asked again and put my 50 cents on the counter, he just began speaking in tongues and crab walked backwards into the store room. Just plain rude if you ask me. 1 out of 5 stars, would NOT eat here again.

As much as I love the way this book weaves the rich history of grave robbing through its narrative, I was hoping for a much more practical and ‘hands on’ guide. Any self-respecting witch worth her weight in mugwort knows about the gruesome medical experiments and the disreputable characters: I wanted to know what kind of shovel to use! 2 out of 5 stars, would regift to a beginner.

Album / Modern Gregorian Chants vol. 1 by Melisma Corpus & the Funky Bunch ★ ★ ★ ★

This up-and-coming group of indie throat singers rock my world! I like to listen while doing my daily de-stress ritual of covering myself in damp earth. Listen with headphones on! 4 out of 5 stars, would dissociate from my physical form to again.

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Shower Thoughts Todd Murray

Ejaculatory Inevitability and Post-nut clarity

I once had a boss who used to swear by the action of ‘jacking off’ before every major decision in his life. This act gives lease to a state of mind, known as ‘postnut clarity’.

Post-nut clarity is a phenomenon in which the observer perceives a much clearer and less-clouded state of mind. The haze that was previously present has swum south to exit the body. The resulting mindset is one of coherence and wisdom. However, post-nut clarity can be strangely deceptive. In fact, one of my engineering peers believes that promises made pre-coitus are null and void after the fact. This is due to the effect of post-nut clarity. The departure of such fluid from the body resembles a very spiritual and sacred act of procreation.

Except when it is into one of your filthy old socks. Like most good things, the wastage of semen is repressed by certain groups. In fact, according to a somewhat reliable source, it takes 40 drops of blood to manufacture one drop of precious seed. One might call it a wasteful process if your precious seed ends up anywhere other than the uterine lining. However, the attainment of post-nut clarity might be all the motivation you need to nourish your socks.

As Reddit folklore suggests, the old story of Isaac Newton sitting under the apple tree might just be a metaphor for post-nut clarity. Perhaps old mate Isaac was enjoying a five knuckle shuffle and hey presto, he discovered gravity! Many believe that the greats of this world got to where they are because of PNC (postnut clarity). I don’t want to know how Galileo discovered projectile motion

đ&#x;¤”

Alas, it’s not all fun and games. The months surrounding the New Year are always a challenge for those who own a penis. No nut November, destroy dick December, Fibonacci fap February are just some of the trends that occur on an annual basis. If we analyse this scheme, November is a month of abstinence, December, as the name suggests, is utter obliteration of the meat-piece, and if you survive December, February is the nail in the coffin for the womb broom. Based on this logic, I would encourage those with phallic organs to postpone decision making till after November.

TL;DR: Consult your hands before you make plans.

Until Next Time, Todd Not your average Serotonin Dealer

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Eat, Pray, Fuck Tatted Twink

Backseat Birthday Blowjobs Is there anything better than birthday sex? Not having debt probably is. But anyway, there is also nothing that can go as terribly wrong as birthday sex. Especially due to the heightened expectations. So here I am, having spent a quiet Wednesday hanging with my friends, celebrating yet another orbit in the flesh sack I call a body, making it a lengthy 19 years. Most people say they’re in their prime as they approach their 20s, but I honestly felt like a Can of 19-year-old nonperishable baked beans. Meaning, just because it isn’t post-expiration, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t throw it out anyway.

So, there I am, aged like a cheap bottle of Jacob’s Creek and irrecoverably horny. There is only one solution.

Grindr. I load up the app, change my username to “looking” and wait.

Not long after I get a message from a handsome enough, older man saying he ‘will be free after work’ to which I agree but warn I cannot host. Turns out, despite his seniority, neither can he. I didn’t question it and we agreed that messing around in a car will do.

The next while is occupied by the lovely process of douching, trying to shave my ass cheeks in the bathroom mirror and showering; all of which meant my two flatmates had no access to the bathroom for an hour and a half.

I do own a dick sucking cardigan). So instead I crack a terrible joke about probably being dead in an alley if I don’t see him tomorrow (yes, I’m that smooth…) and rush outside.

Now I may be absolutely classless, but the last thing I need is a fellow neighbour to see me getting rooted in a car (love a mechanic porno moment).

You may feel like Jack and Rose in that one Titanic scene but bitch, you really just look like two chimps at the zoo, going at it. So, I tell him to drive a couple streets to an essentially abandoned parking lot. Yes, I agree, I don’t know how I’m still alive either.

It truly is a Birthday I can never forget.

Here is where the phrase “life’s a party And, to Mark at Massey Counselling, and I’m the pinata” really fits in. Amidst I’m so sorry. the awkward small talk, I mentioned Kind Regards my birthday and he politely wished me. The Tatted Twink We discussed his job and the reality of his approximate decade on me really sets in. Anyway, he suggests moving to the back seat and I agree, only to turn and see A God Damn Baby Seat.

That’s right mother fuckers, it was a big ol’ baby seat. Now I don’t know this stranger’s life story, but I made some solid conclusions from there. Yet, immorally, I was still more concerned with getting off. But wait, it gets worse.

After an awkward shuffle into the backseat and a decent blowjob, things start progressing…but not before he starts singing “Happy Birthday”.

In this moment I genuinely think I would’ve been a therapist’s wet dream (or worst nightmare) on account of the sex driven, depraved and daddy issue plastered scenario this had become.

Next thing I know, I get a message he’s “15 minutes away”, then “5” and finally “outside”. I get to the ground floor and aim to walk out unnoticed but am met with a boy I’d spent all year attempting to impress; and here I was clearly unable to come up with a decent Following this unfortunate serenade, reason to be leaving the halls at 1am in we attempt to have sex and, well, he gets it in but I truly cannot escape the nothing but flats and a cardigan (yes, reality of the baby seat now occupying

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the front seat and the fact a random older man sucking my dick had just sung me happy birthday more than my own father. So, this mixture of variables made my asshole tighten up more than a white person’s lip when they smile at strangers. I did manage to orgasm when absolutely closing my eyes and thinking about anyone but the man giving me a handy in that moment. After cleaning up, I politely decline an offer for a ride back as I “enjoy walking”. The walk home was reflective, a little bit comedic and appalling as usual.

Climate

Corner Connie Sellers

Clean Beauty Finding a skincare routine which works for you is hard enough as is, let alone finding something ethical and sustainable. The skincare industry is in its heyday, and the market is becoming increasingly over-saturated. That’s why in this week's issue I’ve dug through the jumbled heaping mess and found some products which will save your skin, hair and then the planet. I’m going to be dropping a lot of product names, but don’t worry this is not affiliated by any means.

I get through a bottle of shampoo and conditioner every fortnight, so it’s not often I can rationalise spending upwards of $30 on hair care. However, if you are not a serial hair washer like myself I’d highly suggest indulging in Kevin Murphy, Organic Way of Life, Evo, or Davine. These brands can be found in local hair salons, and are all invested in creating top-quality sustainable hair care. While we are on that note, The Powder Room at the top of Cuba Street is devoted to sustainability - even winning the ‘Sustainable Salon of the Year’ from Kitomba Business Awards 2013-2015.

Plus, their super cute interior is a reason enough to visit in itself.

For a less expensive and even more sustainable option, look out for shampoo and conditioner bars. NZ owned brand Ethique and Lush sell solid hair products which reduce packaging. Solid shampoos and conditioners require no water to make and are extremely condensed, meaning they will last you a long time. The two options come in either no packaging or biodegradable cardboard boxes. It’s a win-win situation.

to know that the current hype Ordinary Skincare is 100% cruelty-free and is free from parabens, sulphates and mineral oils. If you prefer to support New Zealand-owned companies try out Goodness or Oxygen.

Pure Peony is based in the Tasman region (where I call home). I can personally attest to their superior quality and care. They specialise in skincare for those with eczema, rosacea and other skin difficulties. All their products are curated with a blend of organic white peony root extract and other naturally derived products grown in Dovedale, Nelson. They are a fantastically sustainable option for those with dermal issues, plus it's always good to shop local.

What to avoid? Big corporate giants!

Keep in mind that large companies such as L’Oreal, Johnson & Johnson and Unilever all sell in China (where it is required to test on animals) and own an abundance of smaller brands.

Luckily, companies such as The Body Shop have cut ties with the notorious animal testers and are now under the wing of more ethical companies such as Natura who banned animal testing back in 2006. Don’t let these companies fool you with pseudo environmentalism, it’s best to avoid them and their affiliates altogether.

There are now more sustainable skin and hygiene products than ever, so there is hardly an excuse to give your coins to the big corporations when you could be supporting more local and sustainable companies.

In terms of skincare, you will be happy

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Suffrage Tess Patrick

The election has been postponed, so what does this actually mean?

More time for you to make sure you’re enrolled to vote and have some awkward dinner table conversations with your whanau.

One of the most important awkward dinner table conversations? Who’s been puffing the magic dragon lately?

Because our election might have been delayed but Aunty made one thing clear; decriminalisation isn’t an option.

It’s now or never to have this korero about cannabis, and I’m of the opinion that we can’t wait for it to never come around.

While privileged white folk could continue to text their dealers with minimal repercussion, people of colour in New Zealand are still being locked up disproportionately for minor crimes to do with the drug. Some get lesser (if any) sentences for rape and assault than a young Maori or Pasifika teen with a tinnie in their pocket. Because at the end of the day, keeping cannabis in the crimes act isn’t going to prevent it from existing in society, but it will contribute to the disparity in drugrelated imprisonment.

Here are some more talking points for family while you wait for your mains to settle: • Evidence shows that those at highest risk of significant harms from cannabis can access it quite readily despite it being illegal.

Plus the current ‘hidden’ industry means it is difficult to put sufficient interventions in place to help.

• Legalisation will also allow for standardisation of what is available.

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This ensures regulation of the product, and taxes collected will be used to improve services for a harm reduction approach. Because legalisation doesn’t mean we can’t still discuss potential harms.

• International evidence collected across the globe shows no significant increase in youth access.

Just reflect, it was illegal for you to sneak out and drink cruisers in the park - but did that ever stop you?

• Justice aside, consider the opportunities. An opportunity for education on safe drug use throughout our teenage years, because this turning a blind eye approach doesn’t seem to be working. And how about cannabis tourism? After the shitshow that is 2020, we’re going to have to consider new ways to tempt the world to visit our little pocket once more.

For me, it’s a no brainer. For you, I’m hoping it’s likely the same. For your extended bubble? At least now you’ve got a little more time to do a lot more talking.

Salivate

Cannabis Edition

Tess Patrick

Salivate is here to help you get the most out of your measly student meals, while still making the most of your weekend.

When I first met my housemate, Thales, I thought he was really, really stoned. He had that whole surfer vibe to him, “yeahhhh just caught a coupla wavesss man,” with long salty hair and an even longer, drawling voice.

About a week later I found out he was Brazilian and still learning English, not permanently stoned, but he still punches cones like no other.

Before lockdown, my only experience with edibles saw me digging into a plate of brownies over-enthusiastically and accidentally getting stoned for

three days. But as the days at home got longer and our must-watch-list got shorter, Thales and I discovered the Netflix wonder, ‘Cooking With Cannabis’. It’s co-hosted by Kelis, the same genius behind Milkshake and each episode brings on three competitors to wow the judges and a table of VIPs with their cannabisinfused meals. Gradually everyone gets more and more stoned, and at times more sweaty, but there’s an art to it.

The show taught me that there’s more to edibles than just knocking yourself

on your ass for half a week. There are different strains and doses to bring you up, down and along for the ride.

I haven’t had time to master a three-course meal, but I have had time to master the Brazilian delicacy, Brigadeiros. They’re part fudge, part bliss ball and just enough to mellow you out. Peace out.

Ingredients

Method to the Madness:

For the cannabis condensed milk:

1. In a pot over low heat, melt the butter, condensed milk, and cocoa powder, stirring continuously until you can see the bottom of the pot for 2-3 seconds when dragging a spatula through.

⅛ oz cannabis 395g sweetened condensed milk (14 oz)

For the brigadeiros: 1 tablespoon butter 395g cannabis condensed milk (14 oz) ¼ cup cocoa powder

2. Pour onto a greased plate, then chill for 1 hour.

3. Shape and roll the chilled mixture into balls.

4. Roll the balls in chocolate sprinkles.

5. Maxo relaxo.

1 cup chocolate sprinkles

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Reviews Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020)

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Aryaman Vijay Parulkar

Disclaimer: It helps if you’ve seen Nanette first to get a feel for her comedy style.

I didn’t think she could do it but once again Hannah Gadsby has managed to make me piss myself and still educate me on how shitty and awful people can be. Not that I didn’t know that already. Less of a time commitment than a movie, this stand-up set is quintessentially Hannah as she takes you on this journey with her. She’s got this incredible way of making you laugh without really saying anything funny because the human condition forces us to mask comfortability with humour. But she simultaneously makes fun of and digs at herself in the least self-deprecating way. Her personal anecdotes are endearing and educational, giving you an insight on the life of someone that was diagnosed with autism much later in life. I love her set because they make you think. It’s very cerebral comedy that you have to pay attention to, not something you throw on as background noise. It’s comedy that grabs you and holds you and then puts you back down once you’ve understood what’s been said. She’s a pro at setting up a joke for you to have that, “oh yeah!” moment down the track. The unadulterated, raw style is something I really resonate with; finding humour and levity in things that would usually ruin your day. Not having been dealt the best hand in life, Hannah is a prime example of making the most of what you’ve and turning those lemons into the best possible lemonade!

There is only so much praise I can give it before I just start repeating myself, which I most definitely already have. So block an hour out from staring at your phone to stare at a slightly larger screen.

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Paterson (2016)

★ ★ ★

Aryaman Vijay Parulkar I wish I knew what was going on in this movie but the more I tried to figure it out, the more confused I got and the less happy it made me. But maybe you’ll get it?

The trailer left a lot to the imagination when I watched it before deciding if I wanted to invest an hour and a half into it. But then it was Adam Driver, so of course I was. He’s a bus driver in a small town that happens to have the same name as he does. He writes poetry that, when you actually take the time to think about it, is pretty profound. The movie itself could be described as a light trip you get after eating edibles and watching Star Wars and wondering to yourself, what if Kylo Ren was a civil servant? Don’t let this put you off, but this is definitely the kind of film that you would have got assigned in L3 English because it is littered with symbolism and you know your English teacher would have eaten that shit up. I could find myself watching this movie again as background noise while I did something else; it has the anthology feel to it where nothing seems to be connected but still exists in the same universe. It has a pretty unknown cast which makes it feel even more homely and the simplicity and monotony of watching a man live his life makes it one of the few hidden treasures on Netflix. Recommend watching this after a hot shower or heavy meal so if you comatose out on the couch, you won’t feel that bad about missing the ending because it really makes no sense to me.

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Horoscopes AQUARIUS

LEO

Your lucky strain: Te Puke Thunder

Your lucky strain: Purple Haze

PISCES

VIRGO

Your lucky strain: White Rhino

Your lucky strain: Double Glock

ARIES

LIBRA

Your lucky strain: Gorilla Glue Auto

Your lucky strain: Orange Roughy

TAURUS

SCORPIO

Your lucky strain: White Widow

Your lucky strain: Acid Dough

GEMINI

SAGITTARIUS

Your lucky strain: Sour Diesel

Your lucky strain: Bubbleberry

CANCER

CAPRICORN

Your lucky strain: Red Poison

Your lucky strain: AK47

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President’s Address

You might remember that last year’s MUSA election had a contentious element around the vote for president. Immigration New Zealand (INZ) regulations meant one of the candidates was ineligible, but this wasn’t found out until after the election, and I became MUSA President, yes, with less votes than that candidate.

MUSA has addressed this situation by ensuring candidates for president are eligible as per INZ regulations. While INZ regulations prevent International Students from holding the position of president, International Students have representation at MUSA through the International Executive position that only they can stand and vote for.

At the time I was angry and frustrated with the situation. This led me to make comments in a private group chat that were regrettable and deeply offensive. A close friend reached out to me to tell me how inappropriate this was, after some reflection I could not help but agree. It’s much easier to put things out into the world than it is to take them back, I believe it's important that we own up to our mistakes and shortcomings, make amends and demonstrate how we will be different in the future. I have offered a private apology to the affected person, and I’m here to make a public apology. My comments were dehumanising, I attempted to make light of a situation that is not only challenging and stressful for many students, but can have life changing repercussions. Since I made those comments I have come to realise that the situation we both found ourselves in was likely to be even more stressful and demoralising for the affected person. I do not underestimate how fortunate and honoured I have been to hold the position of MUSA President and grow as a person within the role. I continue with my efforts to ensure my words and actions align with who I want to be as a person.

So you are aware of my exact comments, this is a screen shot from the private group chat, edited for privacy of other participants.

He tangata takahi manuhiri, he marae puehu A person who mistreats his guest has a dusty Marae (Meeting house) – Stefan Biberstein MUSA President The Weed Issue

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Kick start your career.

Whether you’ve got a solid life plan or only a faint idea, Silver Fern Farms can help you get there.

Join our Graduate Career Programme today.

Apply online.

Massive Magazine | Issue 11

careers.silverfernfarms.com

Poetry Tinder bios as poems “Roses are red Violets are blue I’ll eat you like A dinner for two” “Books Bicycles Baking Bcoffee; All good things Start with B” “Farmboy Beer Horses Boats Food Yes I come from a High country station Down south Yes I have six brothers, Please don’t fuck them” “Smile, smile Smile…

Rock-climbing, yoga, Scuba diving, trekking Techno, reggae, rock Fat Freddy’s Drop 24th September?”

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THE FUTURE IS GREEN find us online at: www.greenstonedispensary.nz

Massive Magazine | Issue 11