Massive Magazine Issue 10 2021

MASSIVE ISSUE 10

ACCESSIBILITY DIY 13 BEAT WHY STUDENT 2012

IS

RED YOUR ALBANY’S

ON YOUR

SIDE INSTAGRAM

CARD MEAT...

WI-FI

SO

CAMPUS HIGH IDEAS CRAVINGS SHIT? HUSTLES ENERGY

MAY 10/2021

Table of Contents 06 10 14 18 22 26 28 30 33 34 35 36 37 38 39

News Accessibility on Campus DIY Your High 13 Red Card Ideas Beat your Meat... Cravings Why is Albany’s Wi-Fi so Shit?

Student Side Hustles 2012 Instagram Energy Culinarylingus Sexcapades Adulting 14 Snaps Presidents Puzzles Horoscopes

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EDITOR Caroline Moratti

PHOTOGRAPHERS Callum Parsons, Liam McGuire

SUB EDITOR Jamie Mactaggart

ILLUSTRATOR Tallulah Farrar @tallulahfarrar

NEWS EDITOR James Pocock STAFF WRITERS Cameron Taylor, Elena McIntyre-Reet, Rimu Bhooi, Liam McGuire, Ari Prakash DESIGNER Micah Davis-Rae

CONTACT

editor@massivemagazine.org.nz Facebook/massive.magazine Instagram/massivemagazine www.massivemagazine.org.nz

READ ONLINE issu.com/massivemagazine Got a letter to the Editor? Email editor@massivemagazine. org.nz to rant, flirt, complain,

whatever x Massive is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

Massive is also a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association.

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive do not necessarily represent those

of Massey University, its staff, ASA, MUSA, MAWSA, M@D or the Massive Editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive.

Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@massivemagazine. org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from W, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Editorial WRITING EDITORIALS IS HARD, ACTUALLY

Another week, another editorial. I’m going to level with you guys, editorials are my weakness, and not in the good, sexy way. Every week I make a running list on my notes app of possible ideas, but few are impossible to articulate beyond a couple of feral sentences. So, I thought for this week, instead of actually writing an editorial, I would just list my many half-baked ideas for them. Yes, I’m like that kid in high school English class that does their speech about “How to do a Speech”. Yes, it’s incredibly lazy.

But that’s me, baby! Without further ado, bon appétit.

1. My opinion piece about how sexy Albany’s chicken wing statue is didn’t gain any discourse, so I’m bringing it back to the forefront of conversation. It’s sexy!! Admit it, you cowards.

2. If NZ universities were Friends characters, Massey would be Ross. No, I will not elaborate.

3. I know Palmy kids are burning couches and I’m begging one of you to just send me a pic.

4. Ask.fm really fucked us up, huh.

5. Where is the Vice-Chancellor? Has anyone seen her recently???

6. I have a post-it note on my window that says “Rats at Massey” and I have no idea what it’s alluding to. If someone has seen rats, please get in touch. We can train it to cook, I promise.

7. Does anyone have our old Twitter password? Asking for a friend.

8. Why must I be so good at beer pong. It’s a curse to be this good.

9. PLEASE salt your pasta water and save it after cooking. It helps make the pasta sauce silky!!

10. Massey at Distance is great but God, their website is terrible.

11. Can Massey just relax with all the no vaping/smoking signs outside? We’re doing it in the bathrooms, chill.

12. Why does Manawatū have so many university cars. There’s so many. Surely no one needs that many.

13. Is anyone else watching Shadow and Bone on Netflix and wanna talk about how hot Ben Barnes is. Anyone?

14. The Albany campus is very empty of students but like I....get it.

15. Massive magazine is cool and fun X Caroline

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR EMAIL EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ TO HAVE YOUR SAY

Massive, I’m so fucking pissed about Palmy’s closing hours. Fuck this shit! Sorry not all of us are normie city councillors who like to be tucked up in bed by 11. The night STARTS at 2am, not finishes. Students need a game plan to attack this shit head on.

Pissed off and needs Piss

Sorry @Massey but why the fuck is your website so hard to use. Is this not like, a design uni? Info sciences? Like.. Just get a student to do it if its so hard? So fucking shit I actually am considering transferring to vic purely because of how shit the website is.

Get it together.

I was today years old when I realised that girls have to wipe after they take a piss. Now I know why the toilet paper disappears so fucking quickly.

Love the piece about 2016 jams but feel like some pure gold nuggets were left off the list. What about “I took a pill in Ibiza” by Mike Posner or “Work” by Rihanna??? Absolutely scandalous that these gems were forgotten.

Justice 4 Rihanna

FLETCH, VAUGHAN & MEGAN WEEKDAYS 6AM–10AM

What’s up with all the Messy exec drama at the moment? All these resignations and SGM’s? NOT a good time to be in student politics. Never thought I’d be so thrilled to hear about some randos fucking up at their job, keep doing the spicy work.

90.9FM

MASSIVE NEWS

Palmy cucks themselves with early liquor hours

standing in defence of a 3am closure. The policy has taken seven years and three rounds of consultation for this latest step to be taken.

Palmy town continues to get worse, and that’s REALLY saying something.

Understandably, students are pissed. One student, Cam, says “It’s absolute BS, tbh. I don’t think closing bars and alcohol stores early is going to make any difference to the drinking culture in Palmy.” Another student, Tom, says he’s “fucked off” about the decision. “Just let students live, honestly. We just wanna dance, have some beers. We’re not hurting anyone.” Student Simon notes that “if anything, now students are just going to be more likely to throw big flat parties rather than go to town. That’s where you get dangerous, uncontrolled drinking, not in a bar with security and staff to look after you.”

CAROLINE MORATTI

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Palmerston North is set to move their bar closing hours forward by an hour, from 3am to 2am, much to the disappointment of students. Alcohol sales from bottle stores and supermarkets will also now cease at 9pm. In comparison, student hotspots of Dunedin, Christchurch and Hamilton all have a 3am closing time.

On the 28 April, City Council adopted the new provisional local alcohol policy, with only one city councillor left

There will be further discussions and reviews to come, although the time looks unlikely to change from this latest vote.

NEWS

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Massey decides new flu shot funding plan BRB, gotta enrol in the campus medical clinic real quick.

JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

to get them free.

ASA and Massey wish for students to know that they cannot have this vaccine within two weeks of a Covid-19 vaccine, or within four weeks of the measles vaccine.

Previously, Massey only offered free influenza vaccinations to staff. The Ministry of Health also gives Massey extra funds which also makes flu shots free for high risk enrolled patients such as those with diabetes, over 65 years old or pregnant.

Turnout for Palmy’s 2am Bullrush protest “disappointing” Manawatū students aren’t rushing to make a change just yet.

JAMES POCOCK

MANAWATŪ NEWS

Massey will make flu shots free for students enrolled in campus medical clinics. This decision comes after consideration from Massey that explored several options, such as providing free shots to all students or discounting the vaccine for all students.

This means that other students will likely still be charged for their flu shots, but it is unclear yet whether that will be at full price or a reduced rate. The current price for flu vaccines from the on-campus medical centres are $29.

Benjamin Austin, ASA President, says that although making the vaccine free to all students who wanted it was ASA’s preferred option, they will support Massey’s choice to go with this latest decision. “It’s unfortunate that not all students will be given the opportunity to get the flu vaccine [for free], but at least a large amount of students will get the free jab,” he says.

Tessa Guest, MAWSA President, says of the decision: “It’s free for some students, which is great. But by making it free for people enrolled in medical clinics, it’s more expensive for those who aren’t.” She admits that $29 is “a lot” on a student budget, saying, “It’s a tough call between discounting it for everyone, or completely subsidising it for those who already use the services and requiring the full price for those who don’t.” Tessa ultimately summarises “ideally it would be free for all students, but this is a good start”.

The overall cost to the University for these free shots is expected to be about $133,255, and it is hoped to vaccinate an extra 4,595 students enrolled in campus clinics. The date for the rollout of this new funding has not yet been decided, so students planning their shots should hold fire if they want

After much hype, around 40 to 50 people were the only ones to turn up to the 2am “Bullrush in the Square” in Palmerston North on Sunday 2 May. The event was planned as a response to the soon-to-be-implemented City Council policy of a 2am curfew for bars and clubs in central Palmerston North, changing from the current 3am curfew.

Just over 2,000 people responded that they were interested or going to the event, which was posted on Facebook only a few days earlier on 29 April by a local DJ and full-time raver, Mason Spooner.

After the event, Mason posted “I’m disappointed in you palmy, about 30-50 people, mostly watchers. Build ups as”, followed by a broken heart emoji. Ouch.

Mason told Massive that he intended for the bullrush to be a fun event for the community. “[It’s] something that I feel would be more effective at stopping violence than shutting the bars at 2am. Especially at this time when the hospitality industry is struggling because of Covid-19,” he said.

He says that he wasn’t surprised by the relatively poor NEWS

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turnout, as the curfew won’t be put in place until August, a sentiment that was also expressed by some commenters on the page. Confusion may have also been caused around the date and time, with the page stating 2am on the morning of 1 May as the official time.

Commenter Sean Hadou King said, “[Poor turnout] might have something to do with the fact that you posted the wrong day/time and the 2am curfew hasn’t been passed at all yet. Quite ironically if everyone was to turn up for your bullrush at 2am... you’d be the one encouraging a 2am bar curfew.”

Student Kurt hadn’t heard of the event at all. “Better advertising would probably help too since this is the first that I’m hearing of this.”

Sarah, another Massey student, said she didn’t go but would have liked to watch it happen because she is not a fan of the new curfew. “I think it creates more dangerous situations because there is nowhere for drunk young people to go after 2am. Probably would have a better turnout at the bullrush on the first day of curfew.”

Here’s hoping for another bullrush closer to the curfew.

C’mon Palmy, you beautiful breathers! Unite! For the greater good!

Social Work students outraged by transition to block courses Social Work course about to be a whole lot less social if Massey has their way.

JAMES POCOCK

NATIONAL NEWS

the semesters learning distance-based.

Class rep for first year Social Work Tyler says the change to block courses is “outrageous” and says that their small class of 25 will be doing whatever they can to fight it.

First year BSW student Mikaela said that students in her class found out about the proposed change Wednesday 28 May when they were passed on a letter about it through Stream. “We were really concerned. A lot of us thrive off internal learning where we can meet up. We are doing social work; this is a highly social job where I feel we should be at campus really getting involved having everyone face to face.”

Mikaela said that she and her classmates were not asked for their own thoughts on the changes and the revelation came as a shock. She says they have found themselves seriously debilitated by the anxiety of the last week, preventing them from being able to focus and actually get everything out of their classes. “The decision was not based off our current cohort. What we have heard is that this decision was based off the thoughts of past cohorts.”

She said that if there was more specific information about what the block courses might look like next year, then there could be further compromise, but it has been difficult to extract any more details at all since first learning about the change. “It was still pure confusion. Every time we asked our lecturers, it just seemed like they didn’t know. It seems like everyone just does not know what this means.”

Mikaela says that ideally, they would want an entirely internal course, but would be willing to fight for a compromise that ensured first year Social Work stayed internal. “We are not just thinking about us, we are thinking about the future,” she says.

Mikaela is especially concerned for outcomes with Māori and Pasifika students in the course with these changes.

“We’ve been told by one of our lecturers that Māori and Pasifika don’t have amazing pass rates with block learning and he’s worried.”

She alleges that lecturers and the student advocates were asked by Massey to positively promote the change, but that shouldn’t be the case. “Our class advocates aren’t there to just pass down messages and be the middleman, they’re actually there to advocate for us and be our student voice.”

Massey students doing their Bachelor of Social Work (BSW) in Albany are planning to fight their course moving into block mode in 2022.

Block mode in this case retains face to face teaching but only on specific days during the semester, as opposed to regularly scheduled classes every week, making the rest of

Head of the School of Social Work Kieran O’Donoghue says that the college made the decision to move to block mode after consultation with students over the past year.

In the letter to Albany BSW students, the consultation is described as “two surveys and student representative meetings with the Bachelor of Social Work Coordinators”.

O’Donoghue said that one 200-level, one 300-level and two 400-level papers under the BSW already use block mode. “A strength of block mode is that the days will be timetabled well in advance of semester and students will NEWS

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know what days they need to be on campus,” they say.

Massey’s intention for the change is as a first step to attract more enrolments. The BSW internal offerings enrolment was under the set threshold for Massey’s ‘No and Low Enrolment Policy’ at all year levels, which requires action to be taken to increase enrolments.

After years of drought, finally sushi To everyone who stood beside us in this long, hard war: I thank thee.

BY CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

Tussock Café in Wellington has, for what could be the first time ever, started selling sushi to the delight of students.

Tussock has the sole catering contract for the Wellington campus, so previously students have to brave the long walk to Newtown in order to get that tender, delicious snack.

Student Emma says that “I don’t think I’ve ever seen sushi at Tussock before? Anyway, I’m really excited, even if it will be a little bit shit, knowing Tussock.” Another student says that, after eating the iconic sushi “they felt more content than they had in a long time”.

There are currently two sushi options: vegetarian and teriyaki chicken. Both are a little bit sneaky and use cucumber and red pepper (the poor man’s avocado if you ask me). The vegetarian has egg, the teriyaki chicken has, well, chicken.

This reporter rated them a 5/10. They’re a little bit dry, especially without any creamy element such as mayo or avocado, and the chicken is definitely lacking in teriyaki sauce. All in all, it tastes like catering sushi, probably because that’s exactly what it is. A pack of eight pieces will set you back $8. “It’s not like super worth the price, but what in Tussock is?” says student Joe.

An employee who works at Tussock wasn’t sure of the reason behind the change, but speculates that the food item is becoming popular in catering. Whatever, I’m still saying that it’s to do with Massive’s relentless negging. We wore those suckers down. We can do anything! Well, first, let’s get rice balls. Then, we conquer the world.

Welly campus to host first ever “Flow Week” Normally I just cry when I get my period but this is nice, I guess.

CAROLINE MORATTI

WELLINGTON NEWS

This week MAWSA are hosting their first ever “Flow Week” with a range of events to “celebrate and openly talk about menstruation” according to MAWSA President, Tessa Guest, noting that anyone is welcome to take part.

Tessa says that this week is a chance to highlight period poverty, which she notes is “the biggest period-related problem for tauira”. There will be free mini period product packs throughout the week available from Co-Lab, courtesy of The Organic Initiative. “Students who menstruated aren’t supported in any way, and we don’t think that’s good enough. There’s only so much we can do from the bottom, and we want this issue addressed from the big wigs,” Tessa says, promising more to come from these discussions.

On Wednesday there will be a Period Panel at 12pm in Flax and Fern, with a range of panellists with various expertise and experiences. Afterwards, there’ll be a ‘Period Party’.

According to Tessa, “Snacks and beverages will be redthemed, and we’re encouraging everyone to wear their best red fits - prizes WILL be given out for the most gushworthy looks!” I don’t think I’ll ever think about the words “gush-worthy” the same.

NEWS

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Disability & Accessibility How Massey fails to provide for students WORDS BY RIMU BHOOI ILLUSTRATION BY TALLULAH FARRAR

T

here’s been ongoing yarns online and in person for years now; students face so many barriers to simply accessing their courses.

Students struggle with accessible routes to classes, facing stairs and unsafe curbs.

The Palmy campus in particular has faced criticism, with one student calling the accessible options “exhausting” and even avoided going to class as a result. Quite simply, it’s just not fucking good enough.

There are three major areas of improvement that have been identified in the discussion.

Massive sat down with Maddie and Maria, two fourth year Honour’s Design students at Massey, to talk through some key concerns. Boy, oh boy, did they have a lot to say.

1 MOBILITY The first area of concern is mobility.

Many areas of Massey, whilst technically wheel-chair accessible, significantly add large amounts of time to any journey. In all honesty, they feel like an afterthought rather than a priority. For campuses which are so huge, it’s already draining enough to walk a direct route from class, let alone have to make several weird detours through buildings just to avoid stairs and

other obstacles.

The location of lifts on campus and at halls are not available via a map, which presents a major obstacle to the mobility of students. The University’s response was that “a number of years ago the location of elevators on Massey University campuses were removed from physical and electronic maps along with a number of other aspects because maps were becoming too cluttered and hard for people to read”.

Maria, who suffers from chronic fatigue and therefore has physical mobility needs, went on to describe how frustrating this response from the University was. “We are a design and communications university... it’s fucking disappointing and just sounds lazy.” Maddie reckons you could just use “a different colour and key”.

In Maddie’s first year, in-between classes, she got stuck in the Tussock elevator for 40 minutes, leaving her avoiding elevators for a year as a result. The University said that it “has not received any feedback regarding elevators being ineffective and slow, forcing students with physical mobility needs to walk long distances and/ or climb lots of steps. As a university we have compliance requirements that need to be adhered to in regard to accessibility in buildings that includes the speed of elevators and these have been met.

Anyone that wishes to raise any issues around elevators should report this to the operations service desk.”

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This confused me, I’ve been hearing about this for months and everyone I know at Massey complains about the elevators. So, I asked random students in Tussock whether they could direct me to the “operations service desk”. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t matter if they were freshers or Honour’s students, they had no clue where the desk was. If they don’t know off the top of their heads where to go and file their complaints, other students won’t.

2 COURSES Students have complained to Massive about an unofficial disclosure policy which exists where students must disclose their conditions/disabilities in order for the courses to be made more accessible, which has raised concerns over privacy for some students. Massive has also received reports that online recorded lectures do not have closed captioning abilities. There’s also been issues this year of some lectures not even being recorded at all, as well as campus Wi-Fi generally being fucked.

To put it frankly, for a university that prides themselves on distance learning, the technology to ensure ease of access is far from perfect.

When I asked Maria about their courses and how accessible their courses were, they brought up that their lectures are not recorded. “There were a couple recorded during [the] Covid-19 lockdown last year, but immediately stopped after.

I’m missing out on a lot, when I don’t show up or even when I do show up, it’s content heavy.” Maria explained that lecturers often combine about a week’s worth of content in one hour, that means that it’s “difficult to digest and I can’t even refer back to the lecture”.

“Half the time it’s the University’s

microphones (in the lecture theatres) that are cooked,” Maddie chimed in. “Or it could be that my laptop speakers might not work so well, and I can’t afford to buy a new laptop! That doesn’t necessarily mean I could access Disability Services.”

On top of that key issue, Maddie has found that important course information like deadlines isn’t up to date on Stream, but are shared in class verbally. She says “you have to be there to know”.

Overall, there are the usual complaints about difficult to navigate websites.

Maddie and Maria both had multitudes of complaints about the Massey Website, Stream, and Portal. “Just poorly laid out.”

Massive asked the University about the accessibility of the courses to which they responded that they are “committed to ensure its study material is accessible to all students. Massey University’s disability services regularly assist students with solutions such as captioning of multimedia content as well as accommodating a range of different needs for the students that are registered with the service.” Lol, okay.

3 HOUSING Maddie and Maria were right, the website was ridiculous to navigate.

I tried to find out whether all the halls of residence are wheelchair accessible.

Gotta be honest, couldn’t tell. The only tidbit I managed to find was a stock standard line - “Massey’s (insert city name here’s) campus accommodation offers accessibility options for those students who require it. Please outline any requirements you have in your accommodation application.” Massive reached out to the University to try suss whether they had any proposals on improving the accessibility at their FEATURES

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“

For a university that prides themselves on distance learning, the technology to ensure ease of access is far from perfect.” halls of residence. Their response? No proposals to the Uni or by the Uni. At the start of 2020, 1,170 students declared their disabilities to the University. A Massey spokesperson said, “a significant percentage but not all of these students go on to register with our Disability Services”. They added that there are students who only learn of their disabilities during the academic year, which aren’t included in their initial numbers.

1,170 is a significant number of people who need the places, people, and things they encounter to be accessible.

Disability Services is a student support services and resources provider. They can help with courses, getting around, access and participation. Whether via distance or on campus, they urge students to register with them.

Maria only learnt of Disability Services from our interview, despite being a fourth year Honour’s student. If students don’t have the information and resources, and feel the Uni doesn’t “GAF” where does that leave them? Well, for the students I talked to, this means that they struggle and each day is an uphill battle, quite literally.

If you have more to add to this discussion, please contact rimu@massivemagazine. org.nz literally.

If you have more to add to this discussion, contact rimu@ massivemagazine.org.nz FEATURES

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FEATURES

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DIY YOUR HIGH: For when desperate times call for desperate measures.

E

veryone loves a good bong - or pipe; we don’t discriminate here.

Sure, papers are hot and sexy, but they’re never around when you really need them. However, the question remains: can we evolve beyond simple glass and wood? Can we, as humans, reach a meta-level of blazing? Can we dare to dream? Will Seth Rogan finally answer my Instagram DMs? Will he??

So, in the spirit of thorough journalism, Massive conducted a very scientific experiment to see what weird shit we can smoke weed out of. From onions to sex toys, boy do we have answers for you. By the end of it all, we were so high that we made some questionable creations, don’t try this at home. Well try some of them, but there are a few in here that should never have existed in the first place.

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THE BASIC: APPLE PIPE

OL’ RELIABLE: CAN CONE

Aight kids you know where this is going, you have an apple, you have a pen, uhhhh apple pipe… Smash a couple holes in an apple and now you’ve got a usable (and munchable) pipe. Look, we know students don’t tend to have actual fruits available around the place. If you cared about your health, I get the feeling you might not be filling your lungs with buds and chop but here we are.

Big nighter or all nighter, one thing we’re sure you’ll have around the flat is cans. Stab a couple holes and crush the can and you’ve got yourself a pipe. If you can handle the taste of burning paint, stickers, and aluminium then you can’t go wrong.

Smoking out of an apple was an enjoyable experience, ngl. It felt homely, yet surprising, like a dildo that you weren’t expecting to fit but well, fits. The pull was decent, and the taste delicious. Just make sure you have a gauze handy or you’ll be munching on burnt buds as well.

If I’m honest, our apple was a little bit moist, so not ideal for weed, but a nice dry Granny Smith will go a long way.

8/10

Reliable, cheap as chips, crunchy.

THE BENDER: BANANA PIPE Okay a lil’ more niche here but much easier to punch holes in. Plus, it’s a chuckle. Stabbing holes and cutting chunks out of a banana can get a bit messy, but if you’re willing to put up with the clean-up and need a quick cone it’s worth it for that sweet, sweet banana aftertaste.

Smoking out of a banana was grubby and sticky. It felt forbidden, like using your flatmate’s vibrator. It technically does the job, but God, morally it shouldn’t.

The whole time I was petrified that the structure would collapse around me, and I would be left with molten, hot banana. That didn’t happen but the anxiety lingered.

After the banana filth, I was grateful for a clean and shiny surface. The hit was good, a little too good if you ask me. I took another hit and reflected on the long linage of can-cones. Was I finally a breather?

Started googling Huffer vests. When I was done with the can, I wanted to carry it to a club just to lob it over the heads of some freshers, but feverishly restrained myself.

Overall, make that ridiculously expensive Red Bull go a little further for your money.

The dairy down the road doesn’t sell it for $4.20 for nothing, they know exactly what you’re going to use it for. This is your moment, caffeine, nicotine AND weed all from one can? An energy drink and a chop cone from the same place will always serve you well.

7/10

Classic but stooping pretty low for your lungs.

NIGHT VISION: CARROT This one was a bit tricky. Bit hard, brittle, and cracked a bit when we poked a hole in it. It worked in the end but you had to hold the crack in the carrot closed or lose half your cone. Could be better, there wasn’t enough carrot to munch on without getting the taste of burnt weed.

If you want to smoke from something phallic that tastes much better than the real thing then the banana pipe is for you. We just hope for your sake you’ve got a wet wipe handy.

Or two.

6/10 Bit weird, bit messy, tastes pretty damn good though.

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Smoking was nerve-wrecking, but soothingly phallic.

It’s so smooth, the wrinkles so deep. By this stage I was fucked so I was probably just hyperventilating and stroking a carrot, but it felt so much more than that, you know? Pondered over Wallace and Gromit, until I remembered that they liked cheese, not carrots.

But then remembered the Curse of the Were-Rabbit movie, which was in fact carrot-heavy.

Felt pleased, until I remembered I was still holding the carrot pipe.

THE BANGER: POCKET PUSSY You better believe it. A jar, a pocket pussy and a metal straw. Shit’s wack. It works like a dream though, if you can stomach the thought of where it’s been. If you can afford one of these bad boys but not a bong then maybe re-check your priorities, or don’t. Good for you.

Honestly though, this was so good. Or maybe it was just good in comparison to the onion, but at this stage I didn’t care. The smoke was clean and pure, the pocket pussy a steady companion to my hands. I felt invincible. I was smoking out of a fucking sex toy and I was so good at it. It was like my whole life had been leading up to this moment.

Oh, and the worst thing about this pipe? It’s so fucking awkward to put down.

It just kept rolling and tipping the weed out.

Awful. Smoke until done and then dispose of immediately.

At this point we’re just making shit because we can but goddamn, it’s an actual bong, it works.

Let’s hope for your sake you’ve got some solid cleaning products on hand, because this isn’t something you’ll want to try without some thorough sanitation. Unless....

4/10

10/10 Just out of sheer disbelief that this worked.

It works but it’s harder than it needs to be.

THE PUNISHER: ONION DOOBIE At this point you must be desperate. Yes, you can roll a doobie with an onion skin, no it doesn’t stay closed so you’ll have to tape it shut, yes it makes your eyes water, and no I don’t recommend this one.

Trying to skin an onion without cracking the thing beyond recognition is a difficult task. Onion skins, unlike doobie papers, do not have glue to stick it closed.

So, add some plastic tape or the glue from papers to your list of ingredients. But seriously if you have papers on hand but still choose to use an onion skin there are bigger things to question here.

Smoking papers with tape felt and looked terrible.

The onion skin only made matters worse. It was flimsy and just, oh God, the smell.

Burnt onions are terrible. Deeply reminiscent of your flatmates cooking. Just wished it would all stop.

2/10 We did it so you don’t have to, shit sucks.

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13 ideas to make your next red card (un) forgettable

Caroline Moratti CULTURE

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Red cards are an art form, a true masterpiece of student debauchery and delight. Passed down from student to student, they’re the social highlight of any year. Live, love, laugh red cards.

The basic rule of a red card is that anyone can pull their red card once a year. If someone pulls a red card, everyone in the flat must attend, plus any close mates you have. Don’t be a dick and pull it in exam season though, no one likes that person.

Red cards are NOT a costume party, think bigger and better.

Sure, costumes can be a fun element, but it’s the disciplinary nature of a red card that makes them so compelling. The rules should correspond with the theme, and guests should abide by them with full commitment, or at least until you’re too fucked.

A hot tip is be smart with your alcohol choice. The host may provide alcohol or dictate what to bring, but if not, opt for a box of beer or RTDs over wine or spirits. Chances are, you’re gonna be drinking a lot, so be practical!!

I beg of thee.

As with all things, consent is key. The relationship between host and guest is much like that of a dom and sub.

You can be dominating, but there’s trust and respect within that framework that you shouldn’t violate. Look out for your mates, and don’t let them get too fucked up. If they don’t want to drink, then respect their choices.

With the basics established, the rest is the fun part: the theme! If you’re stuck for ideas however, don’t worry. Massive asked some students about their best red card experiences, so enjoy x 1.

“Year 7 and 8 Disco. Boys and girls have to sit on separate sides of the room. Have a scull race about half an hour in, and the last one to finish has to be the one to break the ice. Lots of glow sticks and mixed vodka with those mini bottles of budget soft drinks. Conga lines, you name it.”

2. “Love a good Court Session. Everyone gets the chance to call people out on their shit (like talking about the time your mate shat himself, etc.,) and then the defendant can defend themselves with a little speech.

The judge gets to dish out punishments in the form of drinks. If you want to really go for it, dress up as fancy lawyers or criminals. Give people roles of jury or cops etc. Go full on court drama.”

to let you do a shoey from their shoes.”

4. “Do a full day of classes with your mates, but put vodka in a water bottle and have a set of subtle drinking rules for the fucked shit your lecturers say.”

5. “Okay, hear me out. Everyone does a box and gets naked. Basically, you have to streak outside and try to stay outside the longest. First one back has to drink something foul. Last one back gets a prize (we like to give them ket).”

6. “A lock-in is always good fun, but it can get a little basic.

Consider spicing it up by having a shower lock-in. A thermal lock-in where you cram into a small bedroom and blast several heaters on full volume. No one can leave until everyone’s box is finished.”

7. “David Bain theme, haha. Everyone wears ugly dad sweaters, and you do a shot in every room. Bit of dark humour but a real classic.”

8.

“Possum. Find a tree that can hold you and your mates. Everyone gets in, has a box. Basically, you drink until you fall out, you can only climb down once you’ve finished your box. Would recommend a low-lying tree lol.

Have a couple of mates that have broken their arms, but it’s reasonably harmless.”

9. “Drop acid and visit Gloriavale.

Shit’s fucked.”

10. “Prom! Get some ugly ball dresses and cake makeup. You have to bring a date, and often we set up some form of scavenger hunt to get everyone to bond. You know, things like borrow a condom from someone, or steal a beer from a flat.”

11. “My flat always does a Tinder red card. Everyone has to whip out their Tinder, match with someone and convince them to come. It’s the perfect setting, and one time it almost led to an orgy. So close.”

12. “Me and my mates did a Centurion one summer. Best time ever. One shot of Billy Mavs (or any drink of your choice) every minute, for 100 minutes. Can’t drink the shit again, but incredible night.”

13. “Beep test. Get the beep test going, only on every beep you do a shot. Lots of vomiting, but some people have incredible form.”

3. “Foot fetish red card. Everyone turns up in bare feet, you have to go out in the street and convince strangers CULTURE

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MASSIVE

BEAT YOUR MEAT... CRAVINGS

WORDS BY LIV REDMAN

The thought of replacing meat with a plant-based meat alternative used to make me cringe, especially the prices... $8.50 for four burger paddies? Fuck me, does Jesus come with it?! I still remember the cardboard-seasoned flavour of my first vegan burger from 2016. But plant-based cooking and meat options at supermarkets have progressed over the last few years as Greta Thunberg reminds us about our climate crisis, and the call to think about our dairy and meat consumption rightfully rages the farmers across the globe.

I’m no vegan, but as a journalist, I’m naturally curious as to how to make plant-based alternatives and what can be a cheaper way to fill my stomach and nutritional needs. So here are a mix of recipes and reviews of some plant-based meats – because we don’t all need a meaty sausage in our lives to fulfill us ;) You’ll notice that there was no review of sausages here, and that’s because I haven’t found one that doesn’t still remind me of the 2016 cardboard meat-free alternatives. After all, if we need a good sausage, we will go get a good sausage! Go beat your meat and experiment with these recipes if you feel so compelled to. Enjoy!

JACKFRUIT BBQ “PULLED PORK” First up, we have the classic jackfruit BBQ “pulled pork”

Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce cuz it’s vegan but whatever floats ya goat)

(WARNING: One search on Pinterest results in a jackfruit dominated feed that spreads like genital herpes.)

Instructions:

Ingredients: 1 can of jackfruit (Nature’s Charm is my go-to for value) 2 tbsp brown sugar 1 tsp paprika 1 tsp garlic powder (or crushed garlic) A dash of salt n pepper ¾ of a cup of BBQ sauce (I opt for

Drain the liquid from the jackfruit can and chop the stiff parts off the chunks.

Break the jackfruit up and put it in a bowl. Add all the other ingredients, mix them all together and heat it up on the stove or in the microwave.

Thoughts: Fucking delicious. Chewy, tender, a little savoury bite. The texture can be a bit unusual, and it’s definitely messy to make. Best to close your eyes and enjoy.

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BUFFALO “CHICKEN” WINGS Ingredients:

1 tsp garlic powder (or crushed garlic)

the batter, and place them on a baking tray lined with baking paper for the oven. Bake them for about 20 mins, flip them over after 10 mins so they evenly get baked. Serve them on a plate with your chosen sauce(s) and Bob’s your uncle.

A generous dash of paprika

Thoughts:

A generous dash of onion powder

Eh, these taste better when I order them at restaurants tbh. Oh, if you’re not much of a spice-gal like myself, don’t bother… Force-eating these at a restaurant because you thought you were tough enough to not end up in a blubbery mess, makes you look like a weak bitch – especially when there aren’t any napkins, and your boogers dribble down your chin and neck…

1 cauliflower head 1 cup of flour 1 cup of your fave plant milk

A dash of salt Sour cream, or aioli, or mayo, or whatever sauce you like OPTIONAL: 1 tsp of chili powder Instructions: Slap your oven onto fan bake at 230°C to preheat. In a large bowl, combine all the dry ingredients and then mix in the plant milk until you have a nice battery consistency. Cut off the cauliflower florets, dip them in

TOFU NUGGETS Holy fuckballs, these are good with T-sauce and is another great burrito filler. Also good in just about any meal you’d normally chuck chicken in.

Ingredients: 300g of plain firm tofu 4 tbsp of corn flour Cooking oil (of your choice)

golden. Finally, serve how you’d like, with what you like.

Thoughts: These are bloody great in a curry.

Honestly just slaps hard and does not stop until my arse is red. They’re golden morsels and I will never visit McDonald’s again. Hamburglar who?

Instructions: Chop up your firm tofu into bite-sized cubes and put it into a container. Add the corn flour, put on the lid and then lightly shake until all the cubes are covered in corn flour – if the cubes aren’t all covered, add in some more corn flour and shake again until all the cubes are covered. Cover the bottom of your pan in your desired cooking oil and heat it up on high. Toss in your corn flour-coated tofu cubes and shallow fry the bastards till they’re FEATURES

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QUORN MEAT-FREE “MINCE” Or as I like to call it “Fince” (fake mince). Tbh, all these store-brought meat alternatives taste like ass on their own. But this shit is good when cooked with the right ingredients. It’s super nutritious and definitely hold the same texture as regular mince. I cook this up in a pan and add tomato

pasta-sauce, a brown onion, and a can of chili beans. This makes heaps of filling that can just about go with anything – I like to have it in burritos. It also lasts for at least four meals which is why I gave this a hearty 4-stars. It doesn’t deserve a perfect 5 because I wouldn’t eat it on its own. Ew.

LEANNE’S KITCHEN DUMPLINGS VEGETARIAN-VEGAN Why they feel the need to put both “vegetarian” and “vegan” in the title doesn’t make much sense to me, but I can put that negativity aside. I know this isn’t exactly mean, but I tell you what, Leanne knows how to make a fucking good vegan dumpling – it’s ridiculous. In fact, I don’t know what’s better about these – the taste or the

chill af price tag of $4 for a pack of 15 dumps… I think Leanne is a student, or at least she knows what we need and want. Even her non-vegan dumps are just outstanding. I chuck these in a pot to boil and then add them to an original flavoured mi-goreng pack (which are also vegan). Outrageous work, Leanne.

SUNFED BOAR-FREE BACON Look, I’m yet to find a bacon-free alternative that I genuinely like. I work with what I can afford at the time.

This is a bit pricey but it’s not all that bad. I feel like this is the kind of thing that my review won’t make much of a difference to because in general,

I’m not a bacon lover – don’t hate me.

However, my mum cooked this up with some eggs for me a while back and I did enjoy this in my mouth with the egg and t-sauce. Give it a go if you’re feeling bougie.

BEAN SUPREME VEGE BURGER RANGE They get my approval because they are damn good in a burger, but they aren’t very moist. The kumara one is my fave, but I do find myself feeling like I’m chewing chickpeas in my mouth unless I add a fuck-tone of

sauce. Still damn yummo! I’ll give them 3-stars because they’re a nice meatpatty alternative so long as you have a generous dollop of sauce in the bun.

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TRYING TO HIT YOUR FINANCIAL TARGET? Being independent.

One of the most exciting as well as daunting times in everyone’s life.

MoneySmart has all the answers.

TAKE THE MONEY PERSONALITY QUIZ

Discover financial support MyHub.massey.ac.nz | Wellbeing | Financial support

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WHAT_THE_FUCK_IS UP_WITH_ALBANY’S_WI-FI? •

WORDS_BY_ARI_PRAKASH

•

ILLUSTRATION_BY_TALLULAH_FARRAR

For a while, it seemed like many facilities on the Albany campus were closing for good. But recently, with the re-opening of facilities and construction, perhaps the universe might once again start smiling upon Albany students. But whatever gifts the universe has decided to give to Albany, a solid Wi-Fi connection isn’t one of them. Apparently, that’s too much to ask!

Students across the board have had Wi-Fi connection troubles.

Massey student, Myka, said that “it’s very unpredictable and it often stops working right when you need it”. It has left her “very, very annoyed... I pay seven grand a year to be here, the least they could do is have decent Wi-Fi.” Myka said that most of the time she uses the guest Wi-Fi. It brings to question why there is such disparity between networks.

Also, for the students in accommodation, Wi-Fi at Massey is their main source of internet.

Fany, another Massey student, expressed similar feelings and was “mad and annoyed” at the constant disruption. She says it is “the same for both [her] phone and computer” and that “when [she] goes and comes back, they have to reconnect”.

She mentioned that even going to the bathroom can cause a disconnect and that the Wi-Fi connection wavers a lot when someone moves. Also, she said that “maintenance always happens from 7 to 9 when people are doing assignments”.

Once, I lost the signal in the middle of class. The worst part is that if you want to sign back it just doesn’t work. If it gets really bad, you have to sign in to the guest network. Where’s

the dignity in that? I’m also not prepared to use paper and pen again. I still have a callous on my finger from years of writing with pens and pencils. Besides, we didn’t get this far, technologically, to use ballpoints again.

Yet, sometimes, the Wi-Fi can be okay for a while, it lulls you into a false sense of security before cutting out again. For a university that touted its distance learning programs and technology prowess, it sure needs to get its shit together. It seems like technology itself is giving up on campus.

But when these problems come up, what are students expected to do? A spokesperson from Massey said that “Massey University understands that there have been issues with the Wi-Fi on the Auckland campus.

In March the ITS Service Delivery team experienced on average between 1-3 students per week experiencing Wi-Fi dropping off across the campus on personal devices, mostly laptops.” The team then would check for any settings issues on the device.

Students were then advised to come back if connectivity issues continued. But after having these conversations with students, they never returned to the team with any issues. Hmm, wonder

why? Maybe it’s like talking about mental health to your dad - you don’t talk about your issues with the source of the problem.

The University has provided some resources to try to address this issue. Massey’s spokesperson also said, “The [ITS] team also produced WiFi troubleshooting steps for Win10 and Mac, which would help them collect the relevant information to investigate and diagnose these issues further.”

The team then handed out five copies of these steps to students with Wi-Fi issues. Students were told to follow the instructions and contact the team if issues persisted. However, no students responded back. The first suggested advice to students who want personal assistance was to visit the Information Commons (IC) support person in the Library. If that doesn’t work, then make a call/log to the appropriate ITS team.

It seems like in this tale of failed connections there has been some communication breakdown on both sides. But, if so many personal laptops have had no setting issues, then where is the issue coming from?

Whether we like it or not, the Internet is now a part of society’s backbone. So, it’d be nice if its connection could at least stay strong. I hate to mention Covid-19 again but when it comes to Wi-Fi in these times, someone’s got to mention it. And believe me, I’m getting sick of it too. But you’d think that good Wi-Fi would be a priority. I mean, like....something’s got to be a priority for Massey.

Right? Right??

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STUDENTS & THEIR SIDE HUSTLES WORDS BY ELENA MCINTYRE-REET

Making and saving money is a pretty essential part of being a student. Whether it’s buying the homebrand toilet paper or living off Indomie Mi Goreng noodles, we’ve all got to do what we can. Some people are choosing to pursue ventures outside of a part time job and a student loan. Whether it’s starting your own business, selling drugs or exploiting rich men, all of us could probably benefit from a side hustle. Because, let’s face it, it’s not like we get enough money from StudyLink. Love that for us! Massive talked to a range of students with different side hustles, from dealing drugs to party rentals, there’s a little something for everyone.

JEWELLERY MAKING

BECOMING A SUGAR BABY

Caitlin is a fourth-year Design student who spends her spare time making funky earrings out of polymer clay. You can normally find her handing out prescriptions at her local pharmacy as a retail assistant. She’s had business up and running for six months now and recently killed it at MAWSA’s Market Day where she made $250 off of her earrings. Her side hustle is conveniently something she’s passionate about, so she spends her spare time doing something she loves. “It’s nice to have a creative outlet that isn’t just for uni work, everyone wants their full-time job to be something they’re passionate about.” In terms of profit though, it’s been pretty slow going.

“I’ve put a bit of money into the business so I’m still waiting to see a return, either way I’ll keep making earrings, it’s not really about the money.” Caitlin finds it easy to balance her side hustle with her other commitments like uni and the pharmacy.

“It’s something I would be doing in my spare time anyway, so it doesn’t feel like a chore.”

Maria* signed up for Seeking Arrangements looking to make a bit of extra cash by exploiting the male species. She couldn’t work and the sickness benefit was not providing her with what she needed. It took a while to find someone who didn’t actually want anything physical, but in the end, she found a guy who was willing to provide without her having to touch him. She used a real picture of herself, but with an absolutely fake name, to draw in some guys to talk to. On her profile she stated, “I am in search of an intellectual who enjoys intelligent witty conversation, who can also provide mentorship.” She wasn’t comfortable offering anything else but wanted to come across as authentic.

“He would request video recordings and messages from me, and in return he’d help me out financially.” Every few weeks her sugar daddy would offer her money and ask if there was anything she needed from him. “The conversations were raunchy and I would send pictures in my underwear, but never anything below the waist.” Over the four months she talked to him, he bought her festival tickets, groceries, clothes and would occasionally put money in her letterbox. She said it’s definitely worth the money, you get sick of talking to this dude, but you never get sick of the benefits. It doesn’t come without its creep factor though. “He would joke with me about how naughty it would be if he found me and my mum in the supermarket,” she admits. In the end, Maria’s relationship with the guy fizzled out because she didn’t want to offer him anything more.

In terms of side hustles, jewellery making seems like a solid option. The only issue is that you need the funds to get started, and also some level of talent and creativity, which counts me out. You can find Caitlin’s earrings at @nzhoneydew on Instagram.

Job Satisfaction: 3/5

Job Satisfaction: 5/5

Dolla Dolla bills: 5/5

Dolla Dolla Bills: TBC

Danger level: 3/5 (keep your wits about you)

Danger level: 1/5 (you could accidentally be stabbed with an earring hook)

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PARTY HIRE BUSINESS

Tessa and Nina are fourth years who decided over summer that they would purchase an events business for $800. They both turned 21 last year and realised there was a gap in the market for event hire businesses that cater specifically for 21st birthdays.

There were a few around but they were really expensive and probably not affordable for students. Tessa and Nina saw someone selling their business and took the opportunity to fill that gap in the market. They crafted their own massive ‘21’ sign out of supplies from Mitre 10, and made it the biggest they possibly could while still having it fit in Tessa’s tiny little Toyota for delivery. “While we were setting up the workload was huge and the return was absolutely nothing, but now we’ve got the setup costs out of the way, it’s very minimal effort for a pretty good return.” Tessa shared. They started the business in March this year and are expecting to break even by the end of this month, which is a pretty decent effort from the two of them. In terms of side hustle reliability, Tessa thinks it’s definitely a goer to start a small local business if you have the means. “It’s pretty fun, nice to be in control of what you do but at the same time it’s stressful being in charge of everything. I’d definitely recommend doing it with a friend, it makes it ten times more fun.”

DRUG DEALING

Marcus* has been selling substances for about two years now.

He sells weed and (tested) MDMA. He works a 9-5 by day, and by night he bags up and sells drugs to a small group of loyal clientele. It seems like a fairly profitable business venture, despite its risks. “On a good week I’ll make between 1-2k if all is going well and there’s stuff available.” Once it gets closer to New Year’s and festival season that figure can double as demand goes up. That’s a pretty impressive return, considering StudyLink will give you a max of $235 a week. Although, one of those income options will put you in pretty heavy debt, the drug dealing alternative could see you actually getting on the property ladder, and potentially paying back those student loans. Paying back a student loan will break you financially, but it is perfectly legal and you’re unlikely to face prison time for it. The maximum sentence for supplying a Class B drug like MDMA is 14 years in prison. That’s a long fucking time for selling some pingers to your friends. Marcus reckons it’s worth the risk though, as he’s been able to afford to pay off his loans, buy a new car and build up a pretty hefty savings account.

“It’s worth the risk until you get caught, I know guys who have been caught, but we’re talking about people way above me, I’m very careful.” Marcus originally started selling to his friends just to fund his own use. All his friends kept hitting him up for stuff though, so started buying in bulk and doing it properly. He says he’ll stop dealing once he’s able to live comfortably by just doing his day job. He’s not sure when that will be though. He doesn’t feel guilty for doing what he does, because he tests everything and never pressures anyone to buy.

You can find Tessa and Nina at @cloverandcoevents on Instagram.

This is a risky as fuck way to make extra cash (a lot of it). You’re dealing with dangerous people and the consequences of getting caught are pretty awful. If you’ve got the balls though, you can make serious bank.

Job Satisfaction: 4/5

Job Satisfaction: 3/5

Dolla Dolla Bills: 3/5

Dolla Dolla Bills: 5/5

Danger level: 2/5 (they operated power tools to construct their 21st sign)

Danger level: 5/5

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Bringing the 2012 energy back to Instagram

Words by Cameron Taylor

Do you remember the peak years of Instagram? Peace signs curled around the eye, heavy side fringes and even heavier filters. God, it was bliss. There was something so freeing about posting #deep quotes and emo song lyrics alongside photos of you and your mates going to the local park, and just not giving a shit. We were young and we were wild!

When did we all collectively decide that casual posting wasn’t cool anymore? I remember being 13 years old and starting my first Instagram account. Oh, the excitement at using all the different filters and effects in a disastrous attempt at being ‘edgy’. Being able to connect with other teens and show them how cool my clip-on hats looked in my school pictures (yup, a mini hat attached to a huge hair clip. It is as cringe as it sounds.) Just taking a picture in the heat of the moment and posting it, not giving a single FUCK about fitting a certain ‘theme’ or ‘aesthetic’. GOD, I truly miss feeling so free. In fact, I miss it SO much, I chose to return to my roots and post casually on Instagram for a week.

I have roughly 2.5k followers on Instagram (cheeky plug hehe follow me @caameron_taaylor) and my number of likes can range from about 300-500, give or take a bit. Instagram has become a wonderful platform for me to serve fire looks, share my views on issues such as body image and confidence, and build connections with a community of incredible people. But, I have admittedly fallen into the ‘aesthetic trap’. Taking pictures for the gram, with all the best angles and filters that fit my desired theme.

When it comes to posting, I also upload pictures at a time of the day when I know heaps of people will be online. I actually check my Messenger numbers to see how many people are active, lol that’s so embarrassing.

Casual posting, without trying to fit an aesthetic and NOT uploading at peak times, was a CHALLENGE. From Monday to Friday, I was uploading the most mundane shit.

On the Monday, I posted a photo of my boyfriend with Wendy’s fries, to which I got a commented ‘cute’ with two love hearts from a uni friend. Tuesday, I posted THREE CULTURE

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times in a day, breaking the unspoken ‘no-double posting’ rule: an un-edited blurry selfie of myself in the car, a photo of my boyfriend out at dinner, and a picture of what I ate.

My mate commented ‘sounds like you got the perfect man’ when I said he feeds me well, which was pretty fair.

It wasn’t until Wednesday when someone actually approached me, noticing my change in posts. After posting two bulldog photos and a quick snap of me and my boyfriend eating fruit in the car, one of my best friends snapped me, saying ‘I’m loving your new Instagram vibe, I think it’s really cool that you’re just posting whatever you want’. I would’ve taken the compliment more to heart if I wasn’t doing it for work purposes, but it still felt nice to hear that there were people out there enjoying the casual posts. Thursday, I went to Wellington and posted pictures of an aesthetic restaurant wall, and the famous ‘Share The Love’ neon sign at Te Papa. Friday, I ended the week of with a chill pic of me wearing my boyfriend’s plaid shirt in bed. Honestly, the fact no one said anything goes to show that no one really cares about what you post. You can literally post as casually as you want, and people will just go with it.

But, if that’s the case, why did I care so much? I came to some conclusions.

Firstly, these types of pictures are usually reserved for my Instagram stories. This is because they are only up for 24 hours, and then they DISAPPEAR, like magic. It doesn’t feel as permanent and fixated as a newsfeed post does, and people don’t have the ability to leave public likes and comments. Stories aren’t displayed all alongside each other on your platform like newsfeed photos are, so there’s less pressure to fit to a theme and aesthetic.

Secondly, we are living in a time where influencer culture is at its PEAK. We see people like the Kardashians and Shani Grimmond exhibiting all the best facets of their glamorous lives - put-together outfits complete with hair and makeup, exciting outings to beautiful locations, unrealistically perfect body shots. Being exposed to this constant flawlessness causes us to feel that our own lives are inadequate. In turn, we try to curate our feeds to reflect a better version of our lives that, let’s face it, probably isn’t even real. Social media is just one big facade, but we play into it anyway.

Thirdly, I care SO much about how my Instagram looks, that just thinking about casual posting was a whirlwind of emotions. Thoughts of how ‘it’s gonna mess up my feed, everyone is gonna judge me for it, I can’t edit the pictures

on Lightroom because that’s not casual enough so now everything looks dull’. It’s sad to admit, but I know a lot of other people may relate to these thoughts too. I’m not gonna lie, I have these same thoughts now as I look at the posts I’ve made over the week. And I’m probably gonna archive them, so my feed goes back to looking as pristine as I’ve tried curating it look.

WHY DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER? I was showing shots of my authentic life, the real things that I encounter on a daily basis. But, the whole time, I was worried that people weren’t perceiving me in the cool, confident way that I strive so hard to be. They weren’t seeing the best sides that I want to put out there. They were seeing the reality, as mundane and normal as it is.

But THAT IS MY LIFE. And there was a part of casual posting that was SO fun and freeing. I wasn’t thinking as much as I usually do about my posts, I saved so much time by not editing the pictures, and I didn’t try to fit to a certain matching theme or aesthetic.

In saying that, I definitely think I could’ve done a BETTER job and cared a little less. I still found myself trying to get the best angles, pair the photos with cute captions and emojis, and doing numerous takes to get the ‘perfect pic’ instead of just posting the first shot I took. That just goes to show that even while casual posting, I was still doing it in a way that I’d hope would impress others and create a desired image of myself.

Would I casual post on a regular basis? I wanna say yes, trust me. I don’t want to care so much about what my Instagram looks like and how others perceive me as a result because, as I said, it seemed like that everyone was chill with it. Why wouldn’t they be?

And I know that one day, Instagram won’t even exist and we would’ve spent hours obsessing over this app for nothing.

But, the truth is, I DO CARE. It will take so much more reflection and unlearning to reach a point where I don’t care about my Instagram in such a superficial way. I enjoy getting outfits of my hot girl fits and showing them to the world, IS THAT A CRIME???

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a cool Instagram but, admittedly, it is SO ridiculous how much I, and many others, care about how we look online. Trying to be hot on the gram 24/7 is a full-time job that I don’t get paid for, and I’m exhausted. Let me post myself eating a bowl of pasta in peace!!!! In conclusion, let’s just normalise casual posting, cos no one even cares.

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CULINARYLINGUS

S P I CY P O R K N O O D S WITH CRUNCH!

BY CAROLINE MORATTI

This is my go-to recipe for impressing my friends. It’s simple, fuck, I mean it’s two-minute noodles, but it’s delicious and intriguingly, dare I say, fancy? I stumbled upon this recipe last year whilst binge watching MasterChef Australia, and I studentfied it to fit my poor, lazy ass. If you want more authentic Khao Soi, consider using egg noodles or even deep-frying them, trust me when I say that this recipe is the bare-bones of a much richer dish. But, there’s just something about the creaminess of coconut milk mingling with the acidity of lemon, ginger and red onion. It’s like magic. Sometimes, you don’t need much for the perfect dish.

INGREDIENTS • 2 packets of spicy Mi Goreng • 100g of pork mince • A couple pinches of lemongrass power • 2 slices of ginger/2 tsp of jarred ginger • Half a red onion, diced

• 1 spring onion, chopped • A cube of chicken stock mixed with water/half a box of chicken stock juice • Half a lemon • 200ml coconut milk • 1tsp of sugar •

OPTIONAL: • Chilli soya bean oil (in a jar) • Toasted peanuts, roughly chopped • Fried shallots, to top (from packet lol)

METHOD 1. In a hot pan, add the chilli oil, chopped onion, ginger, lemongrass and noodle seasoning. Stir for about 2-3 minutes.

2. Add pork, stirring until browned.

3. Now add coconut milk and chicken stock, bringing to a simmer.

4. After 3-5 minutes, add

sugar, salt, pepper and lemon. Taste as you go in order to get to your seasoning preferences, and reduce to low heat.

5. Meanwhile, cook your noTodles separately in some boiling water. Please, please don’t overcook them, they’ll cook further in the broth.

6. Drain noodles, and serve in bowl with broth (if you put actual ginger and lemongrass in, make sure to remove before pouring, I always forget lol).

7. Sprinkle generously with fried shallots and spring onion, peanuts if you so desire. Dig the fuck in. It’s so good, I promise you.

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S

E

X C

A

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for the last 4 years, and we’ve been wanting to mix it up a bit recently.

I know we sound like a fucking old married couple, but idk, the sex has just become a bit too domestic for our tastes. Quick missionary, kiss on the cheek goodnight, roll over routine. So, we started talking about threesomes. My girlfriend has one friend in particular that I’ve had my eye on for some time, she’s just this really hot flirt who always joins me when I want a ciggie outside a club. I tried casually bringing this up with the missus, real subtle, like “how about your friend Emily” and surprisingly, the GF agreed. It was fucking game time. Got the pubes trimmed, had a shower, the works. GF said that

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Emily was coming round in the evening and was, I quote, “up for anything.” I was practically drooling like a mutt. A knock on the door later, and a random chick turned up.

Quickly pulled the GF aside, asked her very politely what had happened to Emily. Turns out, she had two friends called Emily! No hot ciggie girl for me, but rather a very shy, timid girl who was in her tut class. Didn’t want to waste the opportunity, still did the deed, but couldn’t get the original Emily out of my head. How do I tell my girlfriend that we had a threesome with the wrong friend??

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story?

Email sexcapades@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours xoxox

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GETTING YO U R L A N D LO R D I N L I N E Yeah, yeah, you’re a student living in a shithole with leaky windows and mould in more places every day. I get it. The landlord also gets it, despite their feigned obliviousness. The more you know about what you can do about it, the more likely your landlord is to actually do their job. So, tune your ears, listen up kids, and get ready for a brief rundown of how to get that stingy landlord in line.

First off: Know yur Rights.

I know, I know, the law is boring and you’ve already got classes to sit through, why add to the pile? Well, the more you know about what you’re entitled to, the more you can point out exactly when they’re breaking the law.

Not fixing something that has broken because of poor maintenance? Illegal.

Managing your power and sending you the bill? Illegal.

You get the gist. Spend an arvo surfing the Internet, read up and know your stuff. If you can quote the law to the landlord, they might actually listen.

Next: Document, Document, Document.

Your power comes from the trouble you could cause them in the Tenancy Tribunal. Not saying you have to actually take them there, but if you have dated photos and save all your emails? That’s a pretty bargaining chip. Get everything in writing. Anything you discuss verbally or on the phone, send a follow up email with exactly what they said and agreed to. If it can’t be proven, it didn’t happen.

Then: 14-Day Notices These things are easy to find online and they’re your best friend if you’re not afraid to make a scene. A 14-day notice for repairs means the landlord is legally obligated to do their best to fix something within that time frame. Better

yet, failure to do so will hold up in court. I mean, if they take 15 days you won’t get far, but if they get served a 14-day notice and do fuck all, well, that’s them screwed.

Finally: The Tribunal The Tenancy Tribunal is a good option for students, especially when you’re being really fucked around. However, be aware of its imperfections. I don’t mean to put anyone off, but remember, landlords can afford legal counsel, especially property management companies. A $1,000 fine is fuck all to them, but if you fail your case, that document is public online. It can affect your chances of getting another flat, and is an immediate red flag for landlords.

Trust me, I know, I went through it, failed and spent two months couch surfing before a flat accepted me as a tenant. By all means don’t avoid the tribunal entirely, cases can win, but know what you’re in for. It’s fucking hard for the little guy.

At the end of the day, remember your rights. It’s always best to go directly to them with the law, where they have broken it, and what they need to do to avoid the dreaded “further action”. Be smart, and who knows, send them some feet-pics with an “UWU mr wandword”, maybe they’ll drop the rent as a thank you.

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SNIP, SNOP, SNAP SEND US YOUR SNAPS TO GET FEATURED IN NEXT WEEK’S EDITION @MASSIVE_MAG

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Exec’s Columns

MAWSA: TESSA GUEST

ASA: BEN AUSTIN

We made it to week 10 - double digits baby! So last week’s lead news story in Massive was about some Otago students calling an SGM with some whack motions. Although we don’t appreciate Massive’s encouragement for students to do the same to our humble Massey execs, we certainly DO appreciate the kaupapa of students engaging with their associations! If you have any qualms about university life, or project ideas, please do bring them to us.

We’re a team and we wanna help where possible! BTW: It’s Flow Week yaz! We’re talking periods all week - panel & period party on Wednesday, and free products available from Co Lab all week! Catch ya there :)

This topic is a little more serious. A few weeks ago, the New Zealand Government released a new Code of Pastoral care for consultation from the public. This new code is aimed at improving learner safety and wellbeing while in tertiary study. As a Student Association we fully support this consultation and plan on providing a written document from the perspective of Albany Students. We would like to hear any changes or additions you would like to see in this new draft. The cut-off date for this government consultation is the 21st of May 2021. Please send any feedback on this document or any experiences surrounding learner wellbeing to me or any of the other Executive and we can add it to our response.

M@D: JACALYN CLARE AND JAX WATT MUSA: FATIMA IMRAN Ni hao everyone, We’re now 3/4 of the way through the semester. Where has the time gone? Exams are on the horizon and starting to formulate a study plan would be highly recommended. I’d also like to take this time to congratulate those who have recently graduated. Your hard work has paid off and you’re one step closer to your dream career.

Take this time to celebrate with friends and family while also taking a break before the next stage of your careers.

Stay warm, work hard, and have fun!

You may have seen a call out from Distance advocacy, in the last few weeks, letting students know we have positions vacant on the Board. We have had an incredible amount of responses from this and are in the process of creating a shortlist. If you missed this call for expressions of interest, be sure to email us soon. By the time the next issue of Massive is out, applications will be closed and we will begin the shortlisting process. We are currently looking for active and engaged board members to fill our VP, Treasurer, and standard board positions. No experience in governance necessary, we will provide training (but if you do, that’s cool, too).

Please email expressions of interest and requests for more information to president@mad.ac.nz COLUMNS

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puzzles CROSSWORD ACROSS 3. Difficult problem (9) 7. This word has no vowels (6) 9. Not as good (5) 10. Male cat (6) 11. Beat (6) 14. ‘Sleep when you are dead’ is the slogan for this drink (5) 16. Conservative US news channel (3,4)

DOWN

13. The name of this pasta means ‘little worms’ (10) 15. Neat (4) 18. Type of crustacean (4) 20. Lots of people had one after St Patrick Day (8) 23. Mt Cook (6) 24. Successfully oppose (6) 25. Promise (4) 26. Final letter of the Greek alphabet (5)

1. Dish similar to a crustless quiche (8) 2. Prefix meaning ‘above normal’ (5) 4. Self-obsession (10) 5. Physicist known for the discovery of the law of gravitation (6) 6. Northernmost province of Ireland (6) 12. Dick pic (4)

Credit: Critic and Ciara White

17. Much ___ about Nothing (3) 19. Homer Simpson’s catchphrase (3) 21. Stingy (7) 22. Trainee officer (5) 25. Rectangle (6) 27. ‘Land’ in te reo Māori (6) 28. Lolly that gets rolled down Baldwin St (5) 29. Barter (6) 30. Greased ________ (9)

QUICK QUIZ

Sudoku - Easiest

Sudoku - Hard

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© Sudoku.cool

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1. What’s the largest country on Earth?

2. In tennis, what piece of fruit is found at the top of the men’s Wimbledon trophy?

3. America’s Republican Party is commonly referred to as the GOP - what does the GOP stand for?

4. The six main stars of Friends appeared in all 236 episodes. Who is the next most regular charac04/05/2021 Printable Sudoku - Hard - 05/04/2021 Printable Sudoku - Sudoku for kids - 05/04/2021 ter to appear in the show?

5. Taylor Swift grew up on what type of farm?

1. Russia 2. Pineapple 3. Grand Old Party (lol) 4. Gunther (151 episodes) 5. Christmas Tree Farm

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WORD WHEEL The target is to create as many words of 4 letters 1 using the2letters once only and9always or more, including the letter in the middle of the wheel.

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7-letter words: 2 8-letter words: 1 9-letter words: 1

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horoscopes Aquarius:

Aries:

If you’re still moaning about dropping out of uni, just do it already. You don’t have to be a student to read Massive magazine x

You’ll discover a terrible secret, something you secretly suspected all this time. Yes, you might be gluten free. It’s either bread or the excessive binge drinking that’s giving you the shits, so might us well cut out the bread.

Cancer:

Capricorn:

You’re spending too much time on TikTok. Limit yourself to 20 a night, then move on. Maybe to

Whatever is dragging you will get better this week. Look for new opportunities and new

Instagram Explore?

McDonald’s menu items.

Gemini:

Leo:

I see a funnel in your future. And a lot of vomit.

Be proactive, avoid creamed corn.

You’re looking good this week! Physically I mean, not emotionally, of course. You’re hot stuff but also a hot mess. Consider a therapist.

Libra:

Pisces:

Your phone data is about to run out. Text your parents for money now, rather than later.

Invest in good pillows and blankets and your perspective about something important will change. Or at the very least, you’ll be less cold and uncomfortable.

Sagittarius:

Scorpio:

Send in a snap to the Massive snapchat account. Someone will see it and think you’re really hot, trust me.

I see hot sex coming your way. Yes bitch. Just please use a condom, and consider washing the sheets. I know it’s been a while.

Taurus:

Virgo:

If you’re still thinking about getting a tattoo, just get it. You won’t regret it, I pinky promise.

A close friend will betray you. Keep your ex on speed dial for when you need to vent about it.

It’s not healthy, but that’s life, baby!

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