Massive: Issue 05 'Science' by Massive Magazine

The luck of the Irish

This happened to me literally a week ago, so the wound is FRESH.

I was heading to the Irish pub for Saint Paddy’s Day with my friends all dressed up. It was my first Saint Paddy’s Day since moving away from home for uni so I was pretty excited. Prior to going out, my friends and I had skipped Monday’s lectures to create our outfits. I had bought a cheap white T-shirt, and painted the words ‘This is my lucky shirt’ in green and brown. Thanks Pinterest for the inspo. I felt cute and flirty.

The line for the pub was long, but I was with a big group and prepared to wait. As we got closer and closer in the line, I kept catching this guy behind me looking at my ass. Maybe I should have been annoyed, but this guy was fucking hot. I’m starting to imagine my night unfolding with him, staring at each other before we eventually have a hot make out session at the back of the pub, and maybe even do a full Irish jig back at his place later.

Eventually, my friends and I make it into the pub, and my ass starer comes shortly after. I have a drink, play pool, meet up with some more people and chit chat over the music. I notice this guy is still staring at me, so each time it's my turn in pool, I stick my butt out a little extra to give him a good view.

Finally, this guy stands up and heads my way. My friends got the memo and moved to listen from an unsuspicious distance.

He came up to me, Guinness in hand, and told me, “Sorry to tell you this, but you have a huge brown stain right on your asshole.”

The brown paint from my ‘This is my lucky shirt’ had gotten on my jeans, and it looked like I’d shit myself. I didn’t know what to say, and I felt so awkward, but I quickly told him it was paint and not shit.

Surprisingly he didn’t walk off. Instead, he offered me his jacket, and when I said yes, he wrapped it around my waist for me. He bought me a drink and told me the brown stain was worth it for my cute shirt.

We ended up having that make out session I was hoping for. He even grabbed and slapped my brown, paint-stained ass multiple times. I went home with hickeys all down my neck, and my friends were very impressed with how things turned from embarrassing to hot so fast.

That Irish jig though, is still pending...

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Fergus the Ram is Massey University's long-time mascot.

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HOROSCOPES

OROSCOPES

CANCER

You’re in your feels, and that’s okay. But maybe limit yourself to one sad playlist a day. Your Spotify Wrapped doesn’t need to be 80% break-up songs again.

You’re under the spotlight as per usual. But you need to stop acting like your life is a reality show. Being dramatic won’t make your popularity skyrocket — you’ll just become

CAPRICORN

Your workaholic tendencies are reaching new heights. Every to-do list you finish is replaced by another longer one every day. Take a break — your laptop doesn’t need to become an emotional support animal.

The universe will want to keep

AQUARIUS

You’ll have an existential crisis at least once this week, probably over something dumb like the fact that tomatoes are technically a fruit. It’s okay. Just take deep breaths and try not to spiral.

Reality is a suggestion, and you’re ignoring it completely this week. While your imagination is thriving, maybe check that you didn’t miss any important deadlines — or at least that you’re wearing matching shoes.