Massive Magazine Manawatū Issue 03 2020

Massive

The Food Issue

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Laura Macdonald editor@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Harry Weise massive@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Caitlin Barlow-Groome manager@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3763 Dani Molloy (Albany) Aryaman Parulkar (Manawatū) Tyler Hambleton (Wellington) Tess Patrick, Todd Murray, Finn Williams, Renae Williams, Ruby Heyward, Erin Bradnock, Elise Cacace Casey Sheard, Kata Brown, Tallulah Farrar

Image credit: Massive.

Massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN-2253-5918 (Print) ISSN-2253-5926 (Online). This publication is printed using environmentally friendly inks and paper, the paper which is FSC© certified and from responsible forests, is manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems.

Massive Magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Association, or the Massive editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@mawsa.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

Contents NEWS

FEATURES

Massive’s got the scoop on what’s happening on (and off) Massey campuses nationwide.

Front and centre, our features investigate and probe at the issues or topics of the moment. Have a gander.

ARTIST FEATURES In each issue we shine the spotlight on a talented student and their portfolio.

It could be you in the next issue!

HUMOUR Take a break from assignments, lectures and flat dramas. Have a giggle - or an eye roll - at our Humour section.

OPINION This is the spot for all creative writing, thought pieces and anything else that makes you cock your head.

REGULARS The classics - The Unlonely Woman, Suffrage, Salivate, Blind Date and the rest all live on these back pages. We understand if you skip straight to them.

This Massive Magazine subject to NZ Media Council procedures. A complaint must first be directed in writing, within one month of publication, to the Massive Magazine email address. If not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Media Council P O Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington 6143.

Or use the online complaint form at www. mediacouncil.org.nz

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Editorial

I want to take a hot minute to talk about campus culture. Making a magazine for three wildly different campuses is like trying to construct an impossible Venn diagram. I studied on the Manawatu campus for three and a half years, and am now in my second year of working on the Wellington campus. I’m still not really sure that the Albany campus exists (I may have been there, but it could have also just been a dream). I’m still staggered by the difference in cultures between campuses.

In Palmy, there is a sea of utes with dog boxes strapped to the deck (complete with dried deer blood) in the Orchard Road carpark and a flock of red band gumboots abandoned in the library foyer. I once saw someone wearing a R.M Williams belt buckle the size of my head. Weekends are spent vortexing cruisers in the back garden of the Daily or burning couches on McGiffert and Ada St, then spewing in the McDonald’s Princess St drive-thru the morning after. Ag students, vet students and engineering students make up the holy trinity and nobody realises you can actually study other degrees here. People only care about caps, alcohol and chasing a bit of skirt.

If you don’t repeat a paper during your time here then you’re doing it wrong.

In Wellington, everybody makes fun of me for drinking mochas and not taking public transport. If you don’t have a keep cup you may as well drink directly from the milk steamer you fossil fuel burning fuck. Living in a flat for under $200 a week is worth bragging about.

I bought a knee-length faux fur coat and nobody laughed at me. On campus, people lug video cameras around and paint outside in the sun. By night they vape on the balcony at San Fran in the vain hope Benee will be there to see how COOL they are. They love Chloe Swarbrick.

In Albany, I think they just charge their MacBooks and take copies of Massive home to their parents because it’s too expensive to go flatting. Said parents then send aggressive complaints to the editor. No, Janet, it’s not illegal to draw a cigarette on the cover of a publication. Yes, okay, see you in court.

What I’m trying to say is, it’s hard to please everyone. We try and chuck a maelstrom of politics, scoops, sex, drugs and poetry in the vain hope that it will tickle someone’s fancy.

What Palmy folks find funny, others find offensive. What Albany folks find interesting, others find boring. If you don’t find anything in the magazine vaguely entertaining, drop us a line to tell us what will. We’re all ears!

–Laura Macdonald

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News

MUSA President Stefan Biberstein.

By Tyler Hambleton and Laura Macdonald MUSA’s student president Stefan Biberstein has admitted he has made ‘colonialist’ and victim-blaming statements but says he now regrets them.

he was young and had picked up a in my life - I’m much more compassionate and empathetic. drinking problem.

When asked if he still believed colonisation was ‘survival of the fittest’, The posts published on his personal Reddit However, Massive understands the earliest Biberstein laughed and said “No”. page in 2016 contained alt-right views post was made when the president, now “We did some Te Tiriti training at the regarding colonisation, the #Gamergate 22, was at least 16 and the latest post about start of this year and that showed me movement and victim-blaming comments colonisation was published when he was how much of a failure the NZ education towards sexual assault victims. system is when it comes to colonisation. around the age of 18.

Biberstein replied to one thread about When asked if he still held these views, The amount I didn’t know and what was rape culture, saying: ‘she is never asking Biberstein responded, “No, I can’t even get obviously withheld from me as a young for it’, but ‘she should also realise we live into that account anymore. As soon as I person... it blew my mind.” in an imperfect world,’ and that women got told about it I was like oh I’ll go delete After talking to Massive, Biberstein should stay in groups, call a cab or avoid it, but it was banned years ago.” released a formal statement and apology bad parts of town when they’re ‘drunk as He said the posts on his Reddit and Twitter video on the MUSA Facebook page. a sailor and dressed like a hooker’. account were made after he suffered In his apology he said, “I’m here to Another post from Reddit made in 2016 multiple bereavements in the same year. apologise for uninformed and illread that colonisation is ‘just survival of “I dropped out, picked up a pretty heavy considered comments made by me, the fittest’. Biberstein wrote that white drinking problem and when you are that around six years ago when I was 15.” supremacy text ‘Might is Right’ had some vulnerable, that’s when people radicalise “The posts I made on Reddit back then ‘good points’ in justifying his argument. have been recently recirculated. They you.

He also wrote, ‘I just think we as a species “And those are the kind of spaces I fell into parroted colonialism and victim-blaming need to accept that we aren’t all created rhetoric. I was wrong and I am deeply when I was a 15, 16, 17 year old.” equal. Some people can run fast, some ashamed of those comments. This is not can jump really high and some people Bieberstein is adamant his views have the person I was raised to be, nor is it the can sing, Madonna just isn’t one of them’. changed now, saying, “I was real young, person I am today.”

Approached by Massive for comment, but if you talk to people I know or work Biberstein said he made the posts because with now - or even just look at what I do Massive Magazine | Issue 03

“Essentially it was a Reddit account from when I was like 15 and a racist.”

Pro-choice protestors stand across the street from an organised pro-life protest. Credit: Ruby Heyward

By Ruby Heyward The festival was not the only sight to see in Newtown on Sunday after an impromptu pro-choice protest popped up across from pro-life protestors outside Wellington Hospital.

It appears an exception was made for the day of Newtown Festival, with an array of nuns, church groups, children, and priests present from 8am.

were there to “confront the increased foot traffic” towards the festival. One passing pedestrian remarked how she felt “creeped out” and “uncomfortable” By early afternoon, pro-choice chants such walking past the hospital earlier in the Pro-life protestors had been present in as “women’s right to choose”, “my body, day and was “inspired” by the “pop-up” large numbers since late February as part my choice” could be heard a kilometer protest. of 40 Days For Life, which will end at away from the hospital. With makeshift Many passing pedestrians stopped, potted Easter in coincidence with Lent. This is a cardboard signs, 60 or so young women, plants in hand from the festival, to join the worldwide event that takes place outside and a handful of young men, had gathered pro-choice crowd. One sign said, “honk local abortion clinics, with the “intention directly across the road from the pro-life for pro-choice” prompting many vehicles, of saving lives and bringing about the end protestors. from public buses, family vans, to student of abortion” through prayer.

Some women were heard yelling “What filled cars to sound their horns.

According to the 40 Days for Life website, about after the child is born?”, others Both opposing groups wrapped up around the vigil will occur each day bar Sunday. questioning if the pro-choice protestors 4pm.

Pro-choice protestors chanting. Credit: Ruby Heyward.

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Law student Celina Monkhouse. Credit: Erin Bradnock.

Sinophobia: a fear or dislike of China, or Chinese people, their language or culture.

By Erin Bradnock As Celina Monkhouse leaves a Kelburn flat party last Saturday she is asked, “Do you have coronavirus?”

Celina is a 21-year-old law student, born in Wellington and raised in Auckland. She is also second-generation Chinese.

The man in the doorway was white.

people,” says Celina.

Unfortunately, Celina’s experience of sinophobia is not an isolated incident in Aotearoa. In January, RNZ reported that a Rotorua councillor had faced a torrent of racist messages after posting about racism in light of coronavirus. In February an Auckland doctor was told to “Go back to China or we’re all going to die,” while she waited for her bus.

“That’s racist!” she said to him. He began to stumble over his words. “His excuse was that he had strep throat recently?”

Chinese restaurants are noticing a said Celina. substantial financial loss, with some He did not apologise, Celina telling him, “I having to close in Auckland as customer think you should leave.” support dwindles.

While it was unclear whether the As misinformation and panic surrounding comment was intentionally racist or an coronavirus spreads so too does racism attempt at topical humour, for Celina it and sinophobia. did not matter.

“If you were just a white person you “Even the slightest Sinophobic remarks wouldn’t notice,” said Celina. can have very damaging effects and perpetuate xenophobia towards Chinese

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

Science students protesting outside SNW Building. Credit: Dani Molloy.

By Dani Molloy Albany postgraduate science students are worried about the future of their studies in the wake of Massey University’s ‘Digital Plus’ strategy being announced.

staff have no idea.”

The threat of relocation has left postgraduate science students frantic as the completion of their thesis study relies The Digital Plus ‘discussion document’, heavily on the continued support of their publicised on February 24th, proposed supervisors, as well as the connections the axing of various science degrees from they have made in specialised fields of the Albany campus as the university aims study. These arrangements cannot always to have centralised ‘anchor’ campuses for be replicated in a new environment, Drake said. each subject.

Christopher Drake, an Albany campus student studying his Masters in Conservation Biology, explained that the document poses “a logistical nightmare!”

“Massey has promised to help postgraduate students ‘figure it out’ but there is no way that they can arrange over 100 specialised post-graduate projects at other universities with new supervisors,” he explained.

so they can’t just switch to another university and complete their thesis,” he said. “If this goes through, they will have wasted a year or two of their lives and for us international students, one year is over 30,000 NZD. This is money that we can’t get back because we have to keep studying while on a student visa.”

“Teachers and students have literally been crying in lectures over this,” he added. “It’s a terrible environment to be studying in and everyone feels helpless.”

When reached for comment on the matter, a Massey University media spokesperson said, “While this process is underway, and The Digital Plus scheme could force no decisions about our offering have yet students from both Albany and Manawatū to relocate campuses – or change “The Albany Science department has been made, we cannot make any further universities entirely – in order to complete always offered its students unique care comment about potential outcomes. and has provided amazing support for “Sciences will continue to be offered at their degrees.

Massey University, at both our Auckland “They say it’s for digital plus, but then it’s International Students.” also financial reasons?” Drake questioned. As an international student, Drake’s and Manawatū campuses, and any students currently enrolled would be “But this doesn’t even make sense as our university fees are already costing him supported to finish their degrees.” an extortionate amount.

The price to department has been growing in the past start his Master’s degree again would be Massey University has also released two years.” several discussion documents to invite astronomical.

“Every time we have asked senior staff and student feedback on academic “For postgraduate students their projects leadership staff to explain the financials, offerings. are mostly specialised to their supervisor, they dodge the question entirely and other

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NUTRITION MINEFIELD

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

‘Azodicarbonamide (ADA) is used to make yoga mats, rubber-soled shoes and up until 2014, Subway bread.’

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I’m yet to find a supermarket that I love wholeheartedly. It’s not just the aesthetic of a packageless pantry and Sunday mornings wandering the farmers’ market, sunkissed and content. It’s the amount of shit that’s packed into the food you buy from the endless aisles. BPA leached into your soft drink. Aspartame in your low-cal cereal. Tertiary butylhydroquinone to keep your Mi Goreng crunchy and monosodium glutamate to make them mouthwatering. Your food might say natural on the label, but it couldn’t be further from it.

Brands like The Natural Confectionery Company and Nice & Natural are just that, a brand. It’s nice for the positioning, but not so much what’s in the packet. Unfortunately for the unaware consumer, natural means anything that’s naturally occurring and because chemicals are created in a series of natural reactions, we’re getting duped. There are lacklustre regulations in play that stop this marketing encroaching on our plates, and Food Standards Australia New

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Zealand is doing a shitty job of keeping us protected from it. Thousands of studies are showing that the colourings, flavourings, additives and preservatives in our modern diet are intrinsically connected to health complications like heart disease, cancer, obesity, IBS and dementia. But this is an inconvenience to large-scale food manufacturers and we wonder why our population is getting sicker and sicker.

Just yesterday I received an email from my health insurance provider, informing me that my weekly premium would be increasing in April. This is normal, I thought to myself, with the way our market ebbs and flows and our dollar is worth more over time. Yet their reasoning included “more people are going to hospital and accessing more and more health services each year” and “more people are living with chronic health problems, which are costly to manage”. Preservatives might keep our food on the shelves longer, but it’s certainly not letting us age with grace.

There’s only a handful of people I know who would willingly eat a chunk of

tarmac and wash it down with a glass of petrol. Admittedly it might taste better in a smoothie bowl, but it’s still a hard no for my simple palate. What freakin’ terrifies me is some of us might as well be doing that every day. Unless you’re planning on driving an 89’ Corolla through your gastrointestinal tract any time soon, there’s no need for a diet like that.

Azodicarbonamide (ADA) is used to make yoga mats, rubber-soled shoes and up until 2014, Subway bread. It is currently used in nearly 500 different foods. Aspartame (951/ E951) is a genetically modified (GMO) sweetener still widely available in everything from chewing gum to soft drinks. There are known links to breathing difficulties, cancer, depression, weight gain, memory loss, multiple sclerosis and is prohibited in foods for infants, yet at present, it is used in over 5,000 food products worldwide. Orthophenyl phenol (E231) is derived from petroleum, the same fossil fuel used to power our cars, but is approved for use on waxing citrus

fruits. It is a recognised carcinogen in widespread studies. Saccharin, (954/E954) is another synthetically derived sweetener that has caused bladder cancer in animals and has suspected developmental toxicity and is a suspected mutagen, meaning it can drastically alter our genes. We’re still putting it in fruit juice and soup bases.

You don’t even want to know what our food colourings are doing to our bodies, or where they came from.

If you think nutrition is an illusive minefield, it isn’t about to get any easier. The first thing you learn as a nutrition student is that there are enough studies, research papers and meta-analysis’ to back up nearly any argument. Carbs are good for you but they’re also bad for you. You should eat lots of meat but you also should go vegan. This bleach we use to make yoga mats is totally safe to eat. And the army of Google-qualified social media influencers aren’t helping the matter, using the disguise of a ‘corrupt mainstream media’ to publish anything that suits their agenda.

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Stop listening to influencers. Seriously.

I study nutrition and I’m hardly qualified to give you the advice you need. You need to consult with a university-graduated, registered, accredited nutritionist or dietician if you’re needing specific advice and meal plans because of our lovely biochemical individuality. Just as I have seen people fall into the trap of plant-based nutrition, a glorified eating disorder contributing to malnourished millennials everywhere, I watched a friend tumble into the rabbit hole of a meat-only diet. He tried to convince me that vegetables were genuinely bad for you, because he had read about it from a body-builder online. I’ve heard of people that believe lettuce rots in your stomach so they avoid the vegetable altogether just as much as I have seen people give themselves intolerances because they eliminate a food group altogether.

there’s not enough people trying to understand what the numbers on the back of their packets actually mean, and globally, we’re suffering from it. If there’s one piece of advice I am qualified to give, it’s this: eat food, mostly plants, and as close to nature if possible - if you can’t pronounce it, you shouldn’t digest it.

What I don’t see enough of, is people questioning what is actually in their food. Whether it’s bleach, coal tar or a chemical name for lemon juice,

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AT LOT PARTY

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

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In small university towns like Palmerston North, there’s never much to do on a Saturday night other than pre-drink at a flat, kick some empty cans around and then resign yourself to spending the rest of the night at the only nightclub in town.

That’s why Lot Party is such a big deal.

The now annual drum and bass party, held in the old police parking lot on Church St is the brainchild of friends Cody Keane and Manuka Gotty.

“I was overseas and came home and saw Manuka at Bay Dreams, at a pre party and told him about this idea that I had while I was overseas and one thing led to another... and the first Lot Party came about,” said local tradie Keane.

The nonchalant ‘one thing that led to another’ was driven by Manuka’s previous experience in events coordination.

“I study engineering and I’d done the role of promotions coordinator for our engineering society… I’d done a few smaller events within our engineering group and they had somewhat success, like we managed to get bigger crowds than usual and I thought that I’d be pretty up for this.

“I was a bit naive at the time now I think about it… it took a few weeks to sort of realise what I’d taken on but we both realised we fully just had to commit to this.”

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The 2019 Lot Party was a hit with local punters, with 550 of them queuing to see acts like Lee Mvtthews, Ayden Harris and Ian Munro. With positive feedback ringing in their ears, Keane and Gotty knew they had to have another crack the following year.

“It was definitely a step up in all aspects,” Keane said of this year’s Lot Party, with Gotty chipping in that the production of the event was also on a much bigger scale.

The production included artist’s names projected onto surrounding buildings, haze machines and what Keane described as a ‘big boy’ CO2 cannon that had been on his bucket list for this year’s event.

“Andy let me push the button when they tested it, so I was happy,” he said chirpily.

The bigger production was complemented by an even bigger lineup, with heavyweight producer Montell2099 finishing the night for a crowd of gurning punters. Reeling in such a big name is all to do with word of

mouth, according to the boys.

“We got Lee Mvtthews to come down the first time and they had a good time, then Montell’s management had heard about us so we approached them and they took us a bit more serious. It’s just about building that reputation in the industry,” said Keane.

“I reckon a good thing for us is that before we started doing this we were fans first - like we’ll go to Lee Mvtthews next gig, we’ll probably go to Homegrown - so we sort of know what we’re looking for. So when we go to approach management we have a different point of view, we know exactly what we want,” Gotty added.

“And what we’ve found is that they’re all actually really nice people. Like they’re great musicians and they’re really nice and that helps with the negotiations.

Once people realise that we know what we’re doing and they know what they’re doing - they realise we’re not just here to make a quick buck.”

With one half of the pair working full time out on a site and the other

Montell2099 performing for a packed Lot Party crowd. Credit: Jared Tinetti & Michael Morgan.

studying full time on the Massey campus, there must be a certain amount of pluck and grit behind producing such an event in their spare time.

“Have you ever thought, ‘Fuck it, this is too much admin’?” I found myself asking them over the phone.

“We’re a bit too stubborn to have those sorts of thoughts,” said Keane, “I guess you could look at it and yeah it could stress you, or you could look at it from the other side and think nah, we’ve just got to kick into it.”

“Nothing like some external pressure to keep going!”

This steel resolve makes digesting any mishaps on the night that much easier.

“You’re always gonna get a few but how you perceive them is different, like we looked at it last year and we were like, ‘Oh these are real big like things!’ but a year later - and we’ve done events since its just sort of part and parcel, and when you realise the punters won’t really notice, you shouldn’t really stress about it. So you just deal with it and move on.”

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Having waded through the crowd on the night myself, I can confirm that if anybody did notice a hiccup, they were too busy dancing to care. Shirts and gum wrappers were shed in full force and every face I saw was grinning, albeit drenched in sweat. The beat was still reverberating in my skull as I limped off halfway through Montell2099’s set, having blown a knee at the previous drop.

With blistered feet and a lollipop wedged in my gob, I vowed to my friend on our way home that I’d be coming back for next year’s Lot Party.

But would there be one?

“You’d say Palmerston North needs something that can happen next year for O’Week,” Gotty hinted coyly.

“As long as we’re in Palmy, there’s definitely going to be something happening; but I don’t want to give away too much too early.”

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LOVE PEOPLE, LOVE COFFEE

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

Long after 5pm every day, lonesome wanderers roll through the open doors of Peoples Coffee in Newtown.

5pm is late for a cafe to shut in Wellington, but it could never be late enough here. People always want Peoples Coffee.

Resident barista Kane Laing doesn’t mind the interruption, despite the looming task of closing up shop for the day.

Amidst serving the many latecomers, he shared his reflections on three years spent in this Newtown haven.

“It is kind of like a lounge for Newtown,” he said.

The customers have become friends, and many now hold a special place in Laing’s heart. “You end up seeing some people more than your own family.”

The cafe has new customers everyday, but it also has some incredibly familiar folks who regularly reserve a table.

When the shop first opened in 2004, one of its first customers was a taxi driver named Muridi. The owner told Muridi that if he brought his other ‘taxi mates’, he’d give them cheap coffee, and this deal has remained unchanged for the last 15 years.

Muridi’s son spent his childhood tagging along to the cafe with his father, and is now a coffee-drinking taxi driver himself.

Whether they’ve been driving all day or night, they pull up after their shift, and enjoy the company of whoever’s there.

When asked ‘Why Peoples?’ there’s no profound answer. It’s just the place they’ve been gathering since they can remember.

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Another of Laing’s favourite customers is the Somali and Ethiopian women who come to collect green beans to roast at home using their traditional methods. They’re often replaced by wide-eyed children who have been sent to collect the order, and the staff know to be extra gentle with them, finding the beans quickly so the kids don’t have to linger too long.

It’s this layered, unrushed community that sums up Peoples, and this is reflected in the less visible parts of the company.

When Peoples was initially launched, their point of difference was their style of sourcing and trading coffee. 2004 was a very different time for coffee than 2020, and most companies prioritised profit over fair trade. But from the get-go, People paid fair trade prices and premiums on top to support the communities that provided the beans.

A few years into the business they also switched the focus to single origin beans, which was about a shift in flavour preference, but was also more beneficial to farmers.

Local favourite coffee roaster Rene Macauley, who’s been with Peoples almost as long as it’s existed, knows the families that provide their beans, and makes yearly trips to their suppliers in Africa and South America.

“Most of the groups that we’re selling now, we’ve been buying their coffee for eight or ten or twelve years,” he said.

Macauley finds the trip incredibly moving, despite the regularity of it.

There’s joy in seeing the positive impact their trading has had over

the years, but overwhelmingly, he’s reminded of the injustice of the industry.

This is something he relays to every staff member of Peoples Coffee, in the hope that it will make its way to cafe customers.

“We’re trying to tell the story that the coffee trade is broken...for decades, coffee’s been too cheap,” said Macauley.

This is an unmoving core for Peoples.

As deep as their roots are in the physical space they occupy, they also try to share the story of their coffee with customers, even if it’s a whole world away.

“The challenge is, when people come to a cafe, they want to have a good positive experience and meet with their friends, and not necessarily have to be confronted about the harsh realities of life,” said Macauley.

This is a difficult tension to hold, particularly in the context of Newtown, where not everyone has the means to afford a cup of coffee, even if it’s underpriced.

“Coffee is this weird luxury drink that’s also like a necessity, and an everyday thing for people,” said Laing.

But they keep working to gently share these stories, and cultivate a stronger appreciation for coffee. And this happens in the midst of the little old cafe, with its endearing mixture of customers.

“It is a treat to be able to serve a real range of customers and have people hang out in your space, and offer them a really beautiful drink.”

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DIGITAL CONSENT DASH

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

Digital Plus has been the most popular topic of conversation for staff and members of Massey’s multiple student associations throughout the past month.

It should also be a topic of conversation amongst students who plan to carry out their studies at the university in years to come. If you didn’t read my news story in Issue 02, you may still also be unaware of the university’s plan to ‘future-proof’ Massey in the next three to five years.

The move towards a more digitised and distanced learning environment will see face-to-face learning dwindle at certain campuses in the future.

The university calls this ‘anchoring’, which means certain subjects and courses will only be available at one campus or online. This will see students either forced to study distance to complete their studies or move to said anchor campus.

Digitalisation may be the way of the future for some, but for others who require hands on learning in subjects such as nursing and science where labs are compulsory, they may be forced to move to cities where the cost of living is higher and the quality of living (think damp, cramped Wellington flats) is lower.

Vice Chancellor Jan Thomas spoke on Massey’s physical infrastructure in a staff forum this past February.

sell off for reasons that are surplus to requirements”.

Thomas then joked, “Don’t tell Sciences I said that please - oh my god, turn the recording off!”.

We told Sciences.

General manager of Massey’s farms Allan Still was in the dark when it came to these comments and any plans to sell off farms or other physical infrastructure owned by Massey.

When reached for comment he told us, “I am unaware of any definitive action to sell any or part of any of the Massey farms.”

This only fuels the constant confusion around Digital Plus. Massive spoke to Provost Giselle Byrnes about their plans to sell physical infrastructure. When questioned, Byrnes refused to comment on selling farms. When asked about renting or using the Wellington campus for purposes other than face-to-face learning, she once again refused to comment.

Byrnes also mentioned that distance learning enrollments were up in 2020, garnering more students than face-toface enrolments.

“I think this just reflects the growing trend for flexibility of learning and the kind of cohort that Massey supports.”

Byrnes said that close to fifty percent of students study in distance mode, while “I have no intention of selling the the remainder study on campus and Wellington campus,” she told Wellington partake in face-to-face learning. staff adamantly.

Byrnes emphasised that Massey’s She then said, “But our physical main point of difference is digitised infrastructure, I could sell a farm, learning. We must ask though, does y’know it’s not set in concrete that this mean their internal cohorts should we have six farms, there are parts of be put aside? Students need a sense of our asset base that we may choose to

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community and they also often tend to work better in groups. Distance learning doesn’t suit everybody as we know.

Senior lecturer from Massey’s School of Communication, Journalism and Marketing, Dr Catherine Strong expands on this, saying, “The completion rate is way lower than on campus. There’s high context learners and low context learners; high context learners don’t learn as well from sitting in front of a computer, they learn more from interacting with peers, people and discussions. We’re shutting them out.”

“I’m looking at it from a student’s point of view, why should students have to pay extra to have to move to Auckland, or live out of dingy flats in Wellington.

Whereas Massey was set up to serve the students of New Zealand.”

Giselle Byrnes believes that the duplication of courses across campuses is an issue and stated that staff within Massey agreed on this issue.

Strong, however, disagrees.

“We’re having a stop work meeting over it. That shows a lot of angst.”

The stop work meeting, hosted by the Tertiary Education Union, was held on March the 12th on all Massey campuses.

Staff cancelling lectures and meetings to attend the meeting signals an obvious unrest.

Despite the confusion and the worry, Jan Thomas continues to say that Digital Plus is here to stay. So look out for the changes in your learning, big or small. If you’re affected by Digital Plus, speak up and let the university know how it affects you - without students, a university that is run like a business cannot continue.

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TALLULAH FARRAR Describe your work in an elevator pitch I am a textile design student who loves to make things across many mediums.

I do a lot of digital illustration, traditional painting, and I’m starting to learn animation skills to bring my illustrations to life. I also love screen printing, pattern design and jewellery making. Spanning across all of my work is a love of colour, playfulness, and a goal of making the world feel a little lighter!

What degree did you study at uni?

I am currently in the fourth year of my Bachelor of Design, majoring in Textile Design.

Do you have any advice for budding artists/designers?

Imposter syndrome is REAL and can be super strange to navigate. It’s definitely something I'm still working through, but I’d say to just keep making things no matter what - don’t let fear or anxiety stop you. Also, try not to feel too pressured to define a strict style for your work - you should always be experimenting with new ideas and mediums, pulling inspiration from your experiences. Your work is growing and changing with you, and that’s pretty cool.

What do you love most about art/design and why?

I love how the arts bring us together, and bring colour and joy into the world.

I also reckon that art has the power to communicate the feelings that we can’t always put words to. When we see something that resonates with us, we feel less alone, we feel like there is hope. For me personally, there’s nothing much like the buzz of having an idea, working on it tirelessly and seeing it eventuate into something that I’m proud of - it’s the best feeling.

How can I follow you on social media?

You can follow me at @tallulahfarrar!

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

Going somewhere good

Circus Mall The Food Issue

Wibble Wobblin’ (next page) 23

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STUDENTS’ GUIDE TO ALBANY EATERIES

Dani Molloy

With cooking abilities that extend to heating up two-minute noodles and burning toast, I have had my fair share of meals on the Albany Campus. In my final year, I would like to impart some of my wisdom onto my fellow students so I can graduate assured that StudyLink’s support went towards something fruitful (albeit not my degree).

Food for Thought

Campus Kebab

Location: Student Central

Location: Quadrangle B, South Kiosk

Rating: 6/10

Rating: 6.5/10

Serving cafeteria-style meals at $10.50 alongside a curious assortment of muffins and pastries, Food for Thought is a bit of a hit or miss. Top meals include lasagne or mac and cheese, and the wedges with sour cream are always exhilarating. Once you surpass the swamp of first-years living in student accommodation (they can be identified by their obnoxious lanyards holding only their room key), then Food for Thought is a solid dining location. The staff may even let you take an extra marshmallow with your hot chocolate, and the coffee is always served quickly and deliciously.

Kebabs. Need I say more? Campus Kebab is a good investment if you have a long lunch break between lectures or need some protein before hitting the gym. Quite pricey for university food and the salads can be a tad dry. Overall, I wouldn’t recommend this place as a frequent location, but if you’re really craving chicken then the kebabs can hit the spot.

Sushi Lounge Location: Quadrangle North Courtyard Rating: 8/10

Browse Café Location: Level 1, Library Rating: 6/10 Browse café is yet another staple in the Massey student diet, offering cabinet food that includes overpriced but tasty toasted sandwiches. It also makes an excellent spot to camp out while you’re pretending to study in the library. Browse provides a good view of the students coming in and out of the library and is always a great location to eavesdrop on your fellow student’s gossip (accidentally of course!).

This caravan coffee cart can often go unnoticed in its humble position outside the Quadrangle buildings, but this is not a barista to be overlooked. Serving piping hot, delicious coffee to overworked students, the only downsides to Fan Expresso is that it’s overpopulated with professors complaining about students needing extensions – and that student is often you.

The Ferguson Bar Location: University Avenue (Below the Recreation Centre) Rating: 7.5/10 Another overlooked eatery. While the Ferg is frequented for drinks on a Thursday night, it also holds great potential as a dining location. With their $5 pizza deal on Tuesday afternoons, there is truly nothing better than a pint/pizza combo after a day of lectures.

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Fan Expresso (Coffee Caravan)

Oteha Rohe Café

Location: Quadrangle North Courtyard

Location: Building 98, Oaklands Road, Oteha Rohe Campus

Rating: 8/10

Rating: 6.5/10

This caravan coffee cart can often go unnoticed in its humble position outside the Quadrangle buildings, but this is not a barista to be overlooked. Serving piping hot, delicious coffee to overworked students, the only downsides to Fan Expresso is that it’s overpopulated with professors complaining about students needing extensions – and that student is often you.

Serving fast-food style meals with the option of cabinet food and coffee, this eatery is a nice place to study and catch up with friends. As the only eatery on the Oteha Rohe Campus, however, the wait time can be pretty bad. I wouldn’t recommend the Oteha Rohe café for short breaks between class – maybe bring a packed lunch instead.

Scholars Café Location: Recreation Centre Rating: 10/10 The absolute crème de la crème; Scholars café is the elixir of life at Massey University. Providing service with a smile and ‘Roma’ coffee that could motivate even the laziest of flatmates to stick to the cleaning roster, Scholars will revive and resuscitate you with their delicious eggs benedict, soothing classical music and delightful décor.

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ASA Sausage Sizzles Location: Outside Student Central Rating: 11/10 It’s a rare occurrence, but when an ASA Sausage Sizzle crops up, you best believe I’ll be there. Free food, yarns with the Exec team and you’ll always receive the right sausageto-sauce ratio. Nothing fills my darkened soul with more delight than walking out of SNW and seeing that ASA has cracked open the BBQ and donned those bright green shirts.

Pure ecstasy.

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STUDENT FOOD REVIEWS Aryaman Parulkar

There are just some things in this world that taste better when you’re a poor student living in a damp flat with no insulation and a cracked window. They have a way of making you forget about the decision you made the night before by slowly enveloping that six-pack in self-loathing. These are my reviews of iconic student go-to foods that you probably have really strong opinions about.

Maccas It is a little-known pseudo-fact that Palmerston North has the highest number of eateries per capita. Keep that in mind when you realise that there are three Maccas within a 2km radius, with two of them virtually being neighbours.

Who thought that was a good idea I’m not sure, but each joint seems to have its own reputation. People that go to Rangitikei Line detest people who go to Princess Street and vice versa, although unanimously they both agree that the one in the mall is just straight up doodoo. Ideal for last night runs or somewhere to cry after town, they’ve always got really good Wi-Fi to for you to snap your ex or call a bitch out on Instagram live. The staff there are guaranteed to see you at your absolute worst when you go up to ask for more sauce. Although I am a Princess Street stan, they have managed to muck up my order every single time so I shouldn’t really be loyal, but being in walking distance makes up for it.

Cup noodles Cup noodles is an addiction you bring to uni from highschool. Tuck shops and the dairy across the street are to blame. But you’ve accepted your addiction and don’t mind giving into it because it only costs a dollar so a 20-pack tray from Pak n Save has you sorted for the next month, right?

What you choose not to think about and make a conscious effort to stay away from are all the articles and people and your mum that are trying to be “helpful” by warning you about the “dangers” of MSG. At this point you’re probably more noodle than person but there really isn’t anything that’s going to stop you. They are undeniably delicious, surprisingly filling and super cheap so why not sign away your health for a few moments of sustenance.

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Fish ‘n’ Chips

Dining hall wedges

You cannot call yourself a Kiwi if you do not like fush ‘n’ chups. I would say fight me but even Judge Judy could beat me up. Quintessential Kiwi kai, perfect for any occasion; birthday, date night, even wedding if you’re really running low on funds. Definitely a flat bonding experience, walking down to the takeaway shop around the corner and ordering one too many scoops of chips which will inevitably sit out on the counter for the next week. Crumbed or battered (or pan fried if you’re that bitch), no matter your choice you’ll still find your hands covered in the oil that’s seeped through the newspaper by the time you get home. Of course Palmy locals and students alike will sing praise for Mr Grumpy’s on the way to Foxton Beach, but I would argue that Himatangi Beach Store has crunchier chips and their squid rings are literal gifts from God.

Hands down, an undeniable Manawatu campus classic.

Despite the years of internal conflict the dining hall management seem to have, the quality of their wedges has remained the same. The same, however, cannot be said about the price or the serving size. The good things in life aren’t always reasonably priced but these wedges are a close second. Smother them in sour cream or sweet chilli sauce or both and you’re in for an absolute mess because the tubs they serve them in do not hold anything in and you end up with the sauce all over your fingers or a mouth full of sour cream from your desperate attempt to catch as it slides off the top. Regardless, the wedges are an age old classic that people will hate on for being the fat, ugly sister to chips.

Library vending machines

Welcome to the home for the indecisive, for when you really can’t decide what you want to eat so you think a trip to the mall is a good idea. But then you get there and realise that you’re even more overwhelmed by the variety that you wish you’d just stayed in bed and got DeliverEasy. On the off chance that you don’t have a panic attack at the sliding doors, the mall could tick a lot of boxes. You’ve got all sorts of cuisines and tastes and spices, even though we all know you’re still just going to order the butter chicken without any actual chicken and “one plain naan bread”. And yes, they will judge you for calling it that. Otherwise you convince yourself that you’re making the healthy choice by having a kebab or sushi, probably because you have no idea what a “Bing” is and this would be your fourth donut today.

Either you genuinely just need a snack because you think you’ve earnt it or you’re willing to send half your take home on the overpriced glucose and carbs. I’ve definitely been the one to get a CookieTime cookie every now and then, even a chunky KitKat because I went to the gym and therefore deserve it. Usually the selection is surprisingly good; frooze balls which are basically frozen making them deceptively hard so nearly crack your back molars or break your jaw trying to bite into them. The question remains though; who actually buys the frozen meals? Are you really that desperate to spend four bucks on mush in an unnervingly damp packet that you don’t know long has been sitting there for?

It would have to be your last resort to convince yourself to settle for a meal from a vending machine.

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Plaza food court

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Eat, Pray, Fuck Tatted Twink

Some people look back at their sex life and aim to forget it. Others find it boring and hardly speak of it. I however embrace discussing my sex life which could easily be described as A Series of Unfortunate Events. Here are the basics; I’m a queer guy and the family somehow doesn’t know despite all the mesh and jeans so tight you can taste the denim through your asshole.

In this particular weekly series, we will cover my family trip around Europe. Most family trips entail ugly photos, tours and sightseeing. My family trip did include all of these, however it also doubled as a 2-week bender, an international sexscapade and a toupee the size of a small hamster.

I know I’m not the only boy in the world to hate family time, especially if it is in the scenario of a bus tour around Europe, but who the fuck is going to turn down a trip around Europe? Imagine all the Instagram photos, the food, the dick. All you need to know is they’re already in Europe and I’m joining them a few days late.

The trip is off to a stellar start with me being forced into the airport five hours before my flight, only to then find out an actual volcano has erupted at one of my stopovers and my only compensation for a lengthy flight delay is a food ticket. Now I could buy a meal, but that would absorb some of the alcohol, so I went for a cheeky 9am sav.

Fast forward through the drunken blur of airports, random search selections, risking it all to check Grindr in Dubai and a chain reaction of flight delays, I’m in Birmingham with my family and no luggage. This is an issue for many reasons but the main one being my trusty bulb is not with me and I am by no means a top. But, much like

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Jesus, I’m a trooper, so I connect to the family Wi-Fi and scroll through Grindr, eventually chatting up a dude for a quickie in his car. We organise for the day I leave, however, like most Grindr meet ups, there is a delay and suddenly it’s about time to leave for London and I’m messaging this dude to hurry it up. Now, imagine the setting of Fast and Furious, but just slightly more homoerotic than it already is; I get an update text that he’s ‘one street away’, then suddenly, I get another update text telling me he has been pulled over for speeding and texting on his phone.

I see sirens in the distance. So, with as much sympathy as old mate Mother Theresa has towards non-Christian children, I replied “oh no”, legged it to the family car and drove off. You could say I’m to blame, but it seems so much easier to blame the universe or whatever planet was in retrograde, telling me not to get this particular dicking in case I shit on this guy. This may have not been a sex story, but it sure as shit has a moral lesson in there…somewhere…maybe.

A gruelling bus ride later, we are in London, what a place! So many sights, people and twinks! From this point on I had concluded the best plan of action would be a mixture of family time in the day, organising dickings as I go and then partying in the evening with probable dickings, always telling my sister whom I shared a room with that I was going down to the hotel bar for a drink. Better they see me as an alcoholic as opposed to a cumguzzling whore for the moment. It felt like living a somehow gayer Hannah Montana moment. There were four individuals in London, the first being the most perplexing London gay ever

in the fact that he lived in SoHo, (aka the wind whistles with a lisp between the buildings kind of gay central) and would not stop talking about how he hated flamboyant gays, pride and noise.

The sex was quick, a little one sided on enjoyment and ended in what felt like a therapy session with Oprah as he proceeded to crumple into a ball, saying he’s not that great at sex or attractive. Of all the gays in London, I really did have to get dicked by Eeyore.

So, like Christopher Robin, I scurried my way through the green door, back to the hotel to then be woken up by my family only hours later.

To be continued...

Poetry Fuck me with your words Pardon my French but I’d like you to speak French to me or Portuguese Spanish, Romanian, Italian all at once and then none at all.

I want to feel your breath brush my hair behind my ear Wet your lips and then whisper sweet-everythings Everything and nothing all at once.

I want to feel fireworks in your consonants your vowels so enunciated that I can feel them hit my bones leaving my legs shaking.

I’m in AA Audiophiles anonymous Really, I’m a conversationalist enthusiast And some say I’m an extremist I just grew up in silence so you’re a pessimist because This.

This is what keeps us going.

Forget body language I want real language And if that makes me an addict then Indulge me

-Haleigh Hook

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Suffrage Tess Patrick

I really didn’t want to write a piece about this, but fuck it, I’ll indulge us all.

In the days following a 30-year-old Auckland woman’s transmission of novel coronavirus (CVOID-19) to her partner, the entire family was targeted with a tirade of online abuse. As if dealing with being caught up in a global viral pandemic wasn’t already enough for them to worry about. Surely we’re better than that as a country… But are we really? Cries to shut down the borders and halt all incoming flights, and don’t get me started on our racist underbelly creeping out of the woodworks, preying on the fear of those who don’t know any better. Ignorance is out in full force, with medical centres threatening to shut their doors in order to prevent a greater outbreak, and there’s a growing sense of panic rising from within. Our government is handling it, as any other would, and they’re keeping us duly informed in the process.

Yes, the economy has seen better days.

Take my advice and don’t look at your Kiwisaver. But if you’re in it for the long term, expect that number to ebb and flow. Personally, I’m more concerned about those under financial hardship who couldn’t seek assistance. The industries bearing the brunt of the outbreak have received funding packages and capitalism will be alive and well once we see the pandemic through. Now it’s our job not to panic.

Is coronavirus a political issue, some may ask? Absolutely. Should it be the only political issue we focus on right now?

Absolutely fucking not.

Our abortion law reform bill

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just passed its second reading in parliament, breathing hope to many underrepresented women. Simon Bridges voted against it and we should remember this. In the past, I’ve always just thought he was a bit of a dick and not really qualified to run the show. After seeing the vote I realise his morality is dangerous and does not represent the best interests of his people. Your opinion may differ to mine, but I’m open to debate.

Let me make this very clear. Abortion is neither a mental health nor a criminal issue. Maybe you, definitely I, and lots and lots and lots of people around us are all having sex. Many of us are having casual sex. The consequences of that should not define the rest of anyone’s life. More often than not, there are circumstances you couldn’t even dream of, so pro-lifers should get off their morality dick and allow people the freedom of choice. Someone should not have to declare themselves mentally ill in order to escape a situation she never wanted, but too many of us have had to.

It is a basic human rights infringement and inexplicably demoralising. So let’s hope a few of the key political players remember that when they take to the third reading. The world may be caught up in coronavirus, but my voting ballot and I will be remembering what happened a little closer to home this September.

Salivate Tess Patrick

Salivate is here to help you get the most out of your measly student meals, while still making the most of your weekend.

It’s only week - what even week is it now - and we’re already sick of rice. Somehow, it always manages to taste the same; slightly gluggy and as bland as a Sunday roast at the halls. Unfortunately for our refined palates, it’s affordable and fills us up, so it gets the Student Living Costs tick of approval. I’ll tell you something, I was only today-years-old when I learnt how to cook perfect rice on its lonesome.

It’s been a long journey of burnt pots and hungry housemates, general confusion around cooking times and one-toomany reaches for Uncle Ben’s. We’ve all been there, but it’s not healthy and not sustainable.

year catering, where the lines were long, the food was bland and Julian Savea’s mum served our slop onto a tray like in a cliche American movie. Rice became a staple part of the communal diet, despite paying $360 a week to have meals included. I had entered the halls vegan, gluten-free and with eager tastebuds, but nothing prepared me for the beating I was about to take. It all came to a head when my special meal one night consisted of rice, sauteed onions and golden syrup. But I count myself one of the lucky ones, the rest of the hall hadn’t seen something as flavoursome of onions in going on six months.

I, with much disdain, remember my first-

Rice isn’t all that bad. It’s versatile and

comes in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, often adding to the difficulty of cooking. When the tofu gets too much, it’s an okay source of vegan protein and iron, and it’s a good source of muchneeded fibre. There are B vitamins, depending on the type, it makes a good gluten-free flour. When push comes to shove it can actually taste bloody good too. Turns out all you need is some coconut milk and curry paste.

This is a flat-favourite lazy day dish. You know the ones, where you can chuck it in the oven and fuck off for 45 minutes?

This is Sunday evening made easy. Serve it with some roti and a few sprigs of fresh coriander if you’re dressing to impress.

Ingredients 1 medium butternut squash, peeled,

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees celsius.

deseeded and cut into 3cm cubes

2. Scatter the butternut squash, green beans and onion in a roasting tin, and sprinkle the rice overtop evenly.

Handful of green beans, topped and tailed 1 red onion, thinly sliced 200g basmati rice 400ml can coconut milk 1 tbsp curry paste Salt and pepper to season

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3. Mix 200ml cold water in a jug with the coconut milk and curry paste until you have a somewhatsmooth mixture. Pour it over the ingredients in the roasting tin, trying to cover everything evenly but don’t mix it too much - rice hates being stirred.

4. Cover with foil, send it to the oven for 40-45 minutes, or until the squash is tender.

5. Enjoy with some market-fresh roti and a few sprigs of fresh coriander, or straight from the tray like the neanderthal you are.

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The Unlonely Woman I often find we will stay in friendships and relationships because we grow up in a world where we are taught from a very young age that we NEED people to make us happy.

We so heavily rely on feeling a sense of completeness from other people which is such utter and absolute shit.

We keep dating someone because we don’t want to be alone, we don’t want to turn into a stereotypical cat lady at 26. If I’m honest I fucking love cats so I wouldn’t be complaining. But we often find that we are trapped dating someone and if you are anything like me you hate hurting someone so you will just sabotage it. Where am I going with this? Well, I finally broke this cycle.

I was dating a guy who we will call Dragon for the sake of this column.

Dragon was super sweet and well, just a great guy. After the first date I felt like something just didn’t fit. I mean he did eat my ass on the first date which surprisingly felt really good. I’d honestly love to meet the person who first discovered eating ass because what the hell was going through their mind to be like “ya know what I’m going to lick the hole shit comes out of”. MIND BLOWN. Anyway, I carried on talking to Dragon for two weeks and went on a couple more dates.

Every single time I would come home to my flatmates and try and get them to talk me into liking him. But I simply was just not that into him. Someone always tells me I need to go for a ‘nice guy’. Well I’m fucking sorry but that’s not a fucking characteristic. Even then, shouldn’t everyone just naturally be nice???

to send which was actually really nice. I took 10 deep breaths and pushed send.

I felt bad texting it because normally I would say do it in person but I wasn’t sure how he would react. Sure enough he got pretty mad. Like I mean seven messages in a row. I responded with “I’m really sorry I’ve hurt you but this is not for me”. He responded three times and I just didn’t reply. I then got hit with the 3am “yanno what” message which I ignored. Safe to say I haven’t heard back since. But still feel absolutely horrible. I naturally do not like hurting people and I just feel so horrible.

But with that said, sometimes you just have to cut them loose. You cannot force yourself to like people, life’s way too fucking short to be friends with horrible people who body or slut shame you or date guys who you are just not that in to. You cannot force yourself to like someone or vice versa, it can only naturally happen. As much as we wish the hot guy in our comms class would like us back or the hot lecturer would serenade you and finally admit his love for you, it just doesn’t work that way hun.

Anyway, push came to shove and I had to hit my dating advisor up (one of the besties). She proofed a message for me

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Colour me in!

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Reviews Finn Williams

Cast your mind back a couple years ago, and you may remember a particular image of a strung-out looking Daniel Radcliffe in a bathrobe brandishing two pistols making rounds on the internet. At the time people wondered if the Former 7th Horcrux was in the middle of a psychotic break. But as it turns out this was all in a day’s work for Radcliffe as he was in the middle of filming a movie, Guns Akimbo. And it turns out that the reason he was waving those guns about like a madman is because they are bolted to his hands.

I feel like that sentence there is the litmus test for whether or not you’re going to like Guns Akimbo. If the sentence; ‘Daniel Radcliffe has guns bolted to his hands’ doesn’t put a smile on your face, then you’re probably not going to like this. But if you’re someone like me, and such a silly premise gives you a fizzy feeling in your stomach, then you’ll be in for a fun as hell ninety minutes.

As you might have guessed Radcliffe stars in the lead here as Miles, a videogame programmer who seems to spend most of his days bored out of his mind and attacking trolls on social media. However, one night he pisses off the wrong people, specifically the organizers of Skizm, a real time game show pitting two combatants in a fight to the death across the city. As punishment for his actions Miles wakes up with the aforementioned pistol hands, 50 rounds in each gun and 24 hours to kill Skizm’s top prize fighter, Nix, played here by Samara Weaving.

So ensues a violent, garish, slapstick and gross-out humour filled adventure with Miles desperately trying to avoid Nix and Nix lazily giving chase and not caring about who or what gets in her way. Radcliffe gives full commitment to the role and gets plenty of laughs out of the impediments one could expect with having guns for hands, and by the end you can buy into his transformation from bumbling pacifist to duel-wielding angel of vengeance. But the real star here is Weaving; if you watched Ready or Not last year you probably already know this but there is something about Weaving that I find captivating. Maybe it’s her delivery style that I describe as a disaffected snarl, but she is captivating on screen and her role here as a coked-out terminator is perfectly suited to her skills.

It’s also worth mentioning here that this film was made in New Zealand, with Kiwi director Jason Lee Howden showing off his chops for an action scene. And Kiwi comedian Rhys Darby going all in for a supporting role too. So if you’re looking to rep a bit of national pride this weekend, or just want to see some crazy nonsense, I suggest you head down to your local theatre and check it out, just for the spectacle of seeing Harry Potter put into this kind of a role. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have a great time.

Rating: Running man on drugs/10

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Burger, sides and shakes ~ fast.

Find us: 199 Main Street, Palmerston North The Food Issue

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shakeout.co

@shakeoutnz

Crossword

Across

Down

5. You will suffer from this if you don’t eat properly, idiot

1. Piercing a hole in a can assists this drinking manoeuvre

6. Gas stations sell out of these around New Year’s time

2. ‘Tis the season to hop fences and raid these bad boys

8. White girls at a festival always have one of these in their gob

4. Often taped to hands as a party traditions

3. African animal; volatile method of consuming alcohol

11. Used to be a cheap hangover food, now exorbitantly priced

5. Traditional to crack one open on your head

12. Responsible for iconic ‘Sharpen Up’ campaign in the 00’s

9. Staple fast food item, now available as a trendy vegan option

13. First half of the scientific name of a booty shaped fruit 14. Swilling motion of consuming drink; “Leshgo!”

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7. Colloquial term for a fast food joint

10 Your parents probably refer to this disdainfully as an ‘alcopop’

Poetry

Valentine’s Day 2018 I met up with this guy off Tinder (I can’t remember his name).

We went to J.J Murphy’s to play a game of pool.

He won.

I just sweated nervously.

He walked me home close to midnight, and asked if he could come in.

I agreed.

We sat in my room and he watched me smoke a bong.

He called me “an animal”.

I laughed—unsure if I should be taking offense.

I sat on the bed across from him.

He stroked the seven-year-old self-harm scars on my arms for a few minutes, then left.

Never to be seen again.

We’d dated. Kind of. In April-May last year.

The Oracle of Ghosting.

He was just a story until he wanted to go get a beer.

We hadn’t planned that I would end up in his bed that night.

Or many nights after.

Or that we’d spend Valentine’s Day together eating KFC snack packs in his lounge, Chatting with friends who were months away from global stardom.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, I’m just a sucker for love—it’s not even your fault.

I’d written you a letter the night before about how I didn’t feel the same way.

About how two steps back from you wasn’t enough.

You came in like a gentle freight train.

Incongruous, demanding to be heard.

I sang Elvis Presley and The Beatles to your 84-year-old Mum And held back my tongue over chicken karaage.

Smoking your last cigarillo Before the execution Where to from here?

Who knows?

You tie my arms behind my back, I tie myself in knots.

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-Renae Williams

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President’s Address

In case you missed it, you can read about my ignorant younger self in this article from Massive Magazine: https:// bit.ly/2Qagx5u. If you want to understand where I am now, watch this video: https://bit.ly/33doxrC . I count myself lucky to have had access to the education, and encountered the people that have shown me how wrong I was.

We must seize the opportunity this week to acknowledge and reflect on the March 15th terror attacks and illustrate our compassion and understanding for the people of Aotearoa, especially those who are faced with challenges that you and I are unlikely to experience on a daily basis. This week on our campuses we have or will have the opportunity to come together and demonstrate solidarity. Give nothing to racism.

Regarding Covid-19, it’s important to remain calm and support all the people in our community and check your facts. It’s easy to fall for fear mongering click-bait but we are better than that, we must rely on trusted news sources to remain informed. Treat the people in our university kindly.

These are tough times and the best way forward is together.

-Stefan Biberstein MUSA President

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Horoscopes Our resident astrologist’s aura was in gatorade or something so the editor had to make these up - sorry.

AQUARIUS

LEO

Mars enters Aquarius this week. I don’t know what that means.

It’s never too late to pull out of pre-vet, Leo!

PISCES

VIRGO

Mercury entered Pisces last week. Your sex life is looking up!

We know what you did at Homegrown, time to ‘fess up.

ARIES

LIBRA

Happy Birthday bitch! Skip class and buy a new bong, you deserve it.

Assert your dominance in the flat by nailing this week’s recipe from the Salivate column.

TAURUS

SCORPIO

Wash your hands, you detty pig.

A new moon brings new beginnings. Stop stalking your hot tutor on Instagram.

GEMINI

SAGITTARIUS

Love awaits you on Courtenay Place this Saturday night. I don’t care if you’re on the Albany campus, book a flight or be alone forever.

Time to let go of those who limit your growth. Throw your boyfriend in the bin.

CANCER

It’s been a tough month for you Cancer, but the stars tell me next month is going to be even worse :)

The Food Issue

CAPRICORN As the life of the party, you might want to get an STI check after being too greedy at 121 Festival.

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Blind Date

Massive Magazine | Issue 03

The Food Issue

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I will not judge 0800 044 334 Free text 4334 Webchat www.safetotalk.nz Massive Magazine | Issue 03