Massive Magazine Manawatū Issue 01 2020

Issue 01

ManawatĹŤ

Orientation

ENROL NOW TO VOTE IN THIS YEAR’S ELECTION AND REFERENDUMS Visit us at O-Week or enrol online at vote.nz

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Laura Macdonald editor@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Harry Weise massive@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3765 Caitlin Barlow-Groome manager@mawsa.org.nz 04 979 3763 Dani Molloy (Albany) Aryaman Parulkar (Manawatū) Tyler Hambleton (Wellington) Elise Cacace, Tessa Guest, Tui Lou Christie, Chantelle de Boer, Tess Patrick, Michael Salmon, Jordan Boyd, Lili Szabo, Connie Sellers Casey Sheard, Ella Brownrigg, Lydia Hill, Kata Brown, Celine Chan Harry Weise Massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN-2253-5918 (Print) ISSN-2253-5926 (Online). This publication is printed using environmentally friendly inks and paper, the paper which is FSC© certified and from responsible forests, is manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems.

Massive Magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Association, or the Massive editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive.

Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@mawsa.org.nz. Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council.

If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz.

Orientation

3

Contents NEWS Massive’s got the scoop on what’s happening on (and off) Massey campuses nationwide.

HUMOUR Front and centre, our features investigate and probe at the issues or topics of the moment. Have a gander.

OPINION Take a break from assignments, lectures and flat dramas. Have a giggle - or an eye roll - at our Humour section.

This Massive Magazine subject to NZ Media Council procedures. A complaint must first be directed in writing, within one month of publication, to the Massive Magazine email address. If not satisfied with the response, the complaint may be referred to the Media Council P O Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington 6143. Or use the online complaint form at www.mediacouncil.org.nz

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

FEATURES In each issue we shine the spotlight on a talented student and their portfolio.

It could be you in the next issue!

ARTIST FEATURES This is the spot for all creative writing, thought pieces and anything else that makes you cock your head.

REGULARS The classics - The Unlonely Woman, Suffrage, Salivate, Blind Date and the rest all live on these back pages. We understand if you skip straight to them.

Editorial Welcome (or welcome back) everyone! Since the returning students have already stopped reading this, I’ll use this space to introduce Massive to the rest of you.

Every fortnight, a cluster fuck of humans struggle to clog the guts of this magazine with news, features, spicy opinion, puzzles, poetry and more.

Reading Massive should act as a heady, dissociative remedy from the stress of everyday life as a student, while simultaneously clocking you around the ears with the latest eye-watering issues of the day. If it fails to achieve that, it at least provides decorative fodder for your walls. We’re also allowed to say ‘fuck’ (the novelty of which still hasn’t worn off).

For many of you reading this, it might be the first time you’ve been unleashed from the tiny town you grew up in. Now that you’re over two hours’ drive from your parents’ reach, it’s time to experiment. Shave your head, bleach your pubes, get a tattoo and tell your parents you’re not voting for National (I guarantee they’ll have a better reaction to your bald swede). Make the most of this wild, coming-of-age film type moment while you can, because in three years you’ll be sitting in an office cubicle wearing culottes and stressing about how you’re ever going to get on the property ladder.

Since this is my short column to spout whatever I want, here’s my final, tried and true advice for your first year at uni. Do some distance papers so you can work from your bed. Screwing the crew isn’t the end of the world.

Growing apart from your high school friends also isn’t the end of the world. Say yes to every outing, whether it’s to Kmart or Taupō. Have a Gaviscon and a banana after a night out. Going to the library automatically makes you feel more productive. And contributing to Massive gives you a bigger brain (email editor@mawsa. org.nz for more details).

Good luck!

–Laura Macdonald

Orientation

5

News

Six60 with Massey journalism students. Credit: Catherine Strong.

By Lili Szabo The popular Kiwi band Six60 drew sell-out crowds around the country this year, with many more unable to get tickets. But media shy member Marlon Gerbes took time from the busy performance schedule to talk to journalism student Lili Szabo.

It turns out the rockstar has a completely oppositional lifestyle behind the scenes of his energetic performances on stage.

Gerbes revealed he has a “strong daily routine that helps with life” and says it supports him making “a ton of music”.

A specific method he uses to clear his mind is to sit down for half an hour each day and try to write a full song.

“Sometimes it turns out absolutely shit, but other times I spend fourfive hours on a song,” he said.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

These songs later turn into one of the band’s great hits.

He meditates every day and his philosophy in life is not to think about the past or the future but live in the now.

The band has been going strong for 11 years and this past year has seen some incredible achievements in their music - a six-city national tour, selling out Western Springs Stadium for a second time, and publishing yet another album.

Gerbes is quiet on stage as he switches between playing the guitar and synthetics, but sitting in the hotel lobby talking to us he was engaged. He seemed more interested in finding out about us student journalists than talking about himself.

Together with Matiu Walters, the

lead singer of Six60, Gerbes has cowritten a majority of their songs on their last two albums.

When talking about their songwriting process, he said, “Matiu and I can read each other’s minds”.

However, there is also a problem with having a strong mindful and spiritual ritual when you are such a busy rockstar. It eats time out of Gerbes’ daily tasks and often makes him a couple minutes late.

Recently, Gerbes forgot to print out some documents for his US visa application and had to run to a print shop on his way to his appointment, to which he was 5 minutes late.

Still, Marlon Gerbes strongly stands by his approach to life, which is “to stay behind the scenes”, which is quite difficult sometimes, being a member of the biggest Kiwi band.

Student Kayla Coombes moved into a tent last year. Credit: Unsplash.

By Jordan Boyd Many students are currently struggling to find a flat in the capital city, however Victoria University student Kayla Coombes found a solution when she packed up her belongings and moved into her two person tent.

Her post became very popular, gaining hundreds of comments with mixed views. One comment read. “Pay rent like the rest of us.”

Coombes, 21, was told that the lease on her current flat was coming to an end last November.

The reactions weren’t all bad as Coombes’ was offered a patch of grass, access of facilities for no cost at all, by some complete strangers that just wanted to help.

With the stresses of finding a flat, as well as the beginning of her six week summer paper approaching, she said the idea came to her naturally.

“I wanted to save money for me.”

She posted on Wellington community Facebook page ‘Vic Deals’ asking for a flat piece of grass that she could pitch her tent, as well as use of a kitchen and bathroom.

She offered to pay for her usage of these facilities.

Orientation

Others commented humorous remarks, interpreting Coombes’ request as a joke.

She decided to go ahead, despite the lousy Wellington weather this summer.

“It meant that I could live closer to nature, which is very uncommon in Wellington.”

The first couple of weeks were tough for Coombes due to the heavy schedule she had to follow for her university studies.

She questioned the safety of her belongings and herself, and spent a lot of time in public libraries in order to complete her University assignments.

“It was hard to get used to.”

She said no day was the same, and things would change a lot.

But she also constantly met people who welcomed her into their homes.

She would often cook dinner with them and share meals.

“Putting yourself in that vulnerable position is a really nice thing I think,” she said.

Coombes’ experience made her realise that the negative associations around the flatting crisis could be solved in a much easier way.

“The formula that we’re given for

7

the way that we should live our lives doesn’t have much room for growth.

It’s very restricting, and just because it’s what we’re shown it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to live.”

Coombes said that she never considered herself homeless.

She discovered how little she really needed to live a fulfilled life, and that small worries that affect many of us (such as the internet cutting out briefly in our own flats) became insignificant to her.

She learnt that rooms filled with belongings not only clutter your spaces but also clutter your mind.

“It’s a more peaceful way of life when you let go of what we are told are the most important things, and open yourself up to nature and kindness.”

Kayla hopes to bring her new perspective on a ‘simpler’ life into her next living arrangement in Wellington for 2020.

Kayla Coombes, 21.

By Dani Molloy Following a blessing and pōwhiri held in October of last year, the Sir Neil Waters extension building is now officially open to students.

The Sir Neil Waters building, first opened in 1993, was named after the University’s second Vice-Chancellor who oversaw its establishment.

The building is one of the largest and most versatile buildings on the Albany Campus and with its new extension, the building has increased from 2484 to 4373 square metres.

The extension building will provide five additional teaching spaces on the first floor and will offer workspace for doctoral students and staff members from the schools of Health Sciences, Nursing, Sport, Exercise and Nutrition and Social Work.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

The Sir Neil Waters extension is just one of many plans for expansion on the Albany campus.

With a continually growing student body, there is a constant need for development.

“The University has seen steady growth in student numbers at the campus and we expect this to continue,” said Assistant ViceChancellor Operations Stuart Morris at the initial announcement of a Sir Neil Waters building extension.

“Our aim is to create a worldleading campus for 21st century education.”

The extension is a significant development for the Albany campus, so student input on the building and its decoration was prioritised.

In August of last year, a meeting was held where students were free to voice their opinion on what furniture they believed should be used in the building.

Jasmine Rae, a Residential Assistant for the Albany Campus’ student accommodation, was one of many students that attended this meeting.

“I thought it was incredible how much input Campus Life wanted from us as students” she said.

“I really liked feeling that my opinion mattered for something regarding the biggest lecture theatre on the Albany campus.”

Irish ambassador Peter Ryan with Massey journalism students. Credit: Catherine Strong.

By Jordan Boyd Young Kiwis are being urged to do their OE in Ireland instead of London by New Zealand’s new Irish Ambassador, Peter Ryan.

He points out that Kiwis can fit easily into the Irish environment because of the same language, but also similar size and culture.

Ryan said he wanted to bolster the number of New Zealanders visiting his country’s shores, especially young adults going over to work for a year.

“We’d like to encourage more to come and get off the beaten track in Ireland.”

He said there are ‘lots of jobs’, from builders to journalists.

“Work wise they can do whatever they want.”

He said Ireland’s unemployment rate dropping to a 13-year low proved there will be jobs aplenty for visiting Kiwis.

Ryan is the first Irish Ambassador to be a resident in New Zealand - as previously they served New Zealand through Sydney, Australia.

Orientation

Fewer than 300 New Zealanders made the journey to Ireland on a working holiday visa in 2019 – something Ryan wants to change.

In the capital city Dublin, a quarter of the working population is born overseas, but very few are Kiwis.

He is hoping the working holiday visa will be changed, so young people have a chance to renew it for an extra year to see more of the country.

accommodation, with rent prices similar to those in Auckland.

He went on to say that the recent opening of a New Zealand embassy on the ground in Dublin gives a strong New Zealand association with the country.

“We now have connections.”

Ryan opened the first Irish embassy in New Zealand in August 2018.

He hopes to deepen political relations, create a connection with the Irish community, increase business and commercial links, and create a ‘cultural footprint’.

He admitted however that the challenge would be the cost of 9

FLAT -TING

By Tyler Hambleton

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Welcome to Wellington.

Orientation

11

It’s no surprise that the Wellington rental crisis is still affecting students and young professionals alike when money hungry landlords and property management companies continue to dominate the market.

Three bedroom properties in the capital can range from a fairer price of $700 a week for a run down flat with a coat of paint slapped on (that you can’t put blu tack on), to over $800 a week for a property that actually has double glazed windows and a functional heater for the relentless winter months.

Renting an expensive, damp house is now almost a rite of passage for Wellington renters; almost every person who has rented a property within central Wellington has a horror story or four to speak of. It’s now normal to attend a flat viewing with forty plus people battling it out for a chance to make a personal connection with the property manager to better their chance at securing the property. Chances are Massive Magazine | Issue 01

you’re also up against five of your friends and five of their friends in the current rental climate.

The cost of living in Wellington is steadily on the incline, with more students arriving in the city each year, contributing to the rise of rental prices. The increase of the weekly student loan payments in 2017 were meant to improve the quality of life for students. But with the increase in weekly payments came an increase in rental prices - so how do the students win?

The simple answer is, you don’t.

You either struggle throughout university and have somewhat of a reasonable social life while living in a dive, or you have no social life and live in a more desirable property.

We spoke to Massey University student Beth Mountford, who recently moved into a room in a mouldy property in the Newtown area for a whopping $245 a week.

Whilst speaking to Beth, you could hear the desperation in her voice.

“You can’t fit a queen bed up the

stairs so I'm going to have to sell my bed and get a new one. The room has a tiny window that is rotting, you can’t open half of it because the landlords are scared that it’s going to blow off.

I went in and opened the window yesterday and he said, ‘you can’t open that,’ then duct-taped it shut in front of me,” she said.

When she asked for it to be fixed, her landlord simply replied, “we’ve been trying to get it fixed for over a year and nobody will come and fix it.”

Statements like this from landlords and property managers only furthers the frustration from tenants suffering from the effects of an inadequate rental climate in the greater Wellington region. In turn the actions of these landlords and companies will ultimately worsen the market in years to come, maybe to a point where Wellington isn’t a viable option for students.

Wellington students Georgia Brown, Ayla Murphy and Hannah

Cope started looking for a property together in December 2019 whilst still living in their Aro Valley flat.

Their tenancy ended during the hunt for a new property, leaving all three students without a place to call home. Their friend was subletting a large room in Newtown.

The three girls took up residence in the room before moving to another smaller room back in Aro Valley until they landed a lease on a property in Thorndon.

We grabbed a coffee with Georgia and she expressed her frustration on finding a property.

“We joked about renting a storage unit, or even a gallery space to live in whilst we found a house; we even joked about living in a gallery as a performance art piece about finding a house in Wellington.”

The group went to around thirty flat viewings between the three of them before finding a new property, resulting in over a month spent hopping from room to room. One of the properties shared its bathroom Orientation

with the shopkeepers below, showing how dire the situation for renters in the capital.

fifteen only nine showed up and in the end Emma’s flatmate decided not to leave the property.

“We’re just lucky we have friends, if you don’t have friends or family in Wellington to help you’re basically fucked,” she said.

This might sound all too familiar; you think you’ve got a flat or room sorted and then in the final stages it’s rudely ripped away from your eager hands, even more so at the start of the year. January and February are undeniably the most difficult two months to find a flat in the city. Landlords prey on the desperation of renters trying to avoid high prices and low living conditions, more so at this time of the year.

On the other side of the spectrum you have hundreds of would be flatmates competing for a room in an already established flat.

Massey graduate Emma Pearce recently listed a room on the Facebook group’s ‘FAM’ (Flatmates and more) and VIC deals. The amount of interest in the room was overwhelming, she stopped counting after one hundred and eighty messages, although she believes there were upwards of two hundred messages received.

Emma and her flatmates dedicated an entire evening to reading the messages and checking out their social media profiles for any potential red flags, don’t lie… We’ve all done it. They then narrowed the numbers down to fifteen, out of this

If you get the opportunity, try looking for a property mid-way through the year when others have already faced the trials and tribulations of the summer months and the craziness has died down; this should allow you to find a better flat at a lower price.

So, welcome to Wellington and happy flat-hunting!

13

CENSORED:

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

SEX IN THE MEDIA

By Rose

Orientation

15

My name is Rose and I am a censor.

When I tell people that, they are usually pretty surprised: “Wait, so do you just watch movies all day?”, “You watch porn for work?”, “Why did you ban X game?”

Apparently my job is unbelievable and I take away people’s human rights. Actually there’s an element of truth to that but sometimes we have to make some hard calls, like balancing someone’s right to say something against other people’s rights to not have their lives threatened. We need ratings and warnings so people can make good decisions about what they watch. We all have different lives and experiences – a person who has been sexually assaulted may decide to skip a film which features sexual violence – but they need a warning in order to make that decision.

Most days I look at some kind of content whether it be films, video games, series, books, magazines, images – basically anything that is considered a publication in New Zealand. I look for a range Massive Magazine | Issue 01

of potential harms from content featuring horror, crime, cruelty and violence. But today I am going to talk about sex.

Sometimes I assess porn for work and you name it, I have probably seen it. I am sure many things are going through your head. And guys, before you start yelling I have the dream job you should know - I don’t pick my favourites and there are some weird kinks out there.

Every now and then I get to classify some fantastic parody though.

It usually comes in the form of a DVD and is commonly a four hour compilation called something hilarious like ‘Busty Nurses do Yoga (Cumpilation’s included)’.

Porn is actually the easier and more mundane work I do. It just takes ages to view it. As you can expect, it is really methodical and there are rarely surprises (bring back storylines!) Even though most porn is typically classified R18 we are looking out for areas of particular concern like sexual violence, underage actors and so on.

Sex isn’t just porn though. Pop culture includes a lot of sex. While some people might expect me to just age restrict all discussions of sex, as a censor, it is the context of the sexual reference or scene that I predominantly pay attention to.

I personally quite enjoy the more quirky shows like Sex Education and Big Mouth that borderline should be sex education in schools, but also are hilarious, ridiculous and slightly problematic. People also think censors are particularly prudish around nudity but we don’t see nudity as inherently harmful even though male full frontal nudity can make people uncomfortable, sexualised or unsexualised (beware the peen).

Now for the nasty stuff. A lot of what we do involves assessing publications sent by organisations such as customs, the police, lawyers and the Department of Internal Affairs regarding illegal sexual acts. Publications could include images, text logs, memes, videos… basically anything that we

consider a publication. Without going into too much detail we deal with things like child exploitation material, bestiality, necrophilia and sexual violence. This content is objectionable. I’m not going to sugar-coat what we do, this part of the job is tough. I also pay attention to anything that may be instructional, promotional, depictions of sexual violence, consent, unhealthy communication and anything that could have an impact on society, especially young people and children How sex is shown is complex.

While I am looking out for sex and analysing its impacts, I am also making sure that I consider freedom of expression and I make a clear and reasonable decision.

I also create resources and help with research so that the office isn’t just restricting and banning content, but also offers support and understanding to those who might need it. It is fair to wonder how much my job and the content I watch impacts my life. I do have a Orientation

line and I am no martyr.

I often find myself out with friends and talking about porn and censorship as if I am discussing the latest series people are binging. One thing guys especially love to ask me is if my sex life is affected by the amount of porn I watch. I appreciate the concern but my sex life is fine, thanks. I guess what I have noticed is that my love of films and binging series has died. I go home and I watch mundane reality TV shows that have next to no problematic content in them. I feel weird seeing a film and not writing anything down, and then leaving without watching the credits. And I get confused why my friends want to talk about the storyline and not go through the details of a sex scene.

It is hard to take your classification hat off and simply enjoy what you are watching. But I love my job; I love being a censor – it is rewarding and fascinating, even if on some days all I get to watch is a porno featuring a threesome with the poolboy.

17

INDIA:

A homebody’s guide

By Tessa Guest

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

‘You see this was in fact, my first rodeo.’

Orientation

19

Credit: Zoë Glentworth.

“Guys, wait a minute!” I yelled frantically above a symphony of car horns. “My stuff’s all over the ground!” It was about ten o’clock in the morning in Kolkata, India, and the contents of my bag were strewn across the middle of a busy road.

Coins were rolling awry, book pages were flipping forwards and backwards in the breeze, and assorted bobby pins were nowhere to be seen. I’d overstuffed a book-sized bag I’d thrifted back home, and it had given way at the worst possible moment. It was our seventh hour in India and it was chaotic.

After a sweaty morning stroll, we’d arrived at a seemingly sketchy curry restaurant at 9am, and using our right hands, had reluctantly shovelled mysterious ingredients into our mouths. My request for mild spice had fallen short with their limited vocabulary of English words, and it was more heat than I could comfortably consume shortly after waking up.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

We’d first witnessed the mayhem of India at 3.30am the night before, arriving in a delirious state after a twenty hour journey. This chunk of the trip terrified me in itself, and I only just managed to hold it together. I’m not an anxious flyer by any stretch; I’m more of a concerningly enthusiastic aeroplane passenger. But the rest of the process overwhelmed me a whole lot.

You see, this was in fact, my first rodeo.

Late last year, I ordered my first ever passport, wrestled my way through the visa system, and stuffed a remarkably mismatched selection of linen clothing into a tramping pack.

It was my very first time leaving this wee country of ours. I know!

I haven’t been to Fiji, or even on a two-week family trip to the Gold Coast! What?!

You may be questioning my decision to take myself straight from Aotearoa to the absolute mayhem of India, and you’d be right

Kolkata traffic. Credit: Zoë Glentworth.

in doing so - it was a bold move.

I went along with a little crew of like-minded people who shared a goal: to gain exposure to a world completely opposite to ours. And exposure we gained!

We spent time serving at Mother Theresa’s houses, and we also met a bunch of friends who started up social enterprises. Some of these made customisable merchandise to employ vulnerable women, and another is a collective of a kids health clinic, a school and a bunch of preschools. Hearing our friend’s stories was an emotional rollercoaster, but we’ll save that for another day, because there’s so much more to unpack about the madness of Kolkata.

Here’s a quick, but essential transport review: firstly, the subway is something I would prefer not to experience again in this life.

Crowds of people squashed into carriages with a severe lack of air conditioning made for an uncomfortable ride, even though Orientation

we were there in the dead centre of winter.

Even Uber, the most reliable transport option, was a wild ride, without even touching on the virtually ruleless roads. One evening as we cruised through some side streets, the driver pulled over with no warning. He proceeded to get out of the car and relieve himself in a public urinal, as the six of us watched from the minivan with a prime view.

But tuk tuks were by far my favorite way to get around, so much so that my friends and I have seriously considered shipping one to Wellington to start a legally questionable transportation trend.

Move over, e-scooters.

There’s also a lot to be said about the food in India, as hinted at above. Despite the many strong recommendations against eating street food, we ate almost solely from local hole-in-the-wall spots.

We had endless curry and kati rolls, and about three times a day

we stopped for the Indian version of Coke, which is called Thums Up (without the ‘b’, for no apparent reason). I’ll be honest, there was an unpleasant stomach bug thrown in the mix, but that street food was 100% worth it.

So folks, there’s a small slice of my first overseas experience. If you’re planning to venture further than your parents Gold Coast timeshare, let me leave you with some parting advice from a now cultured traveller. Firstly, try the subway at least once. Secondly, make full use of any form of tuk tuk, and last but not least, eat everything. Just get some travel shots done before you go, so you can at least feel like you’re immune to everything. And strap in for one wild ride!

21

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO PALMY

By Aryaman Parulkar

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Welcome to Palmerston North!

You’ve made it. In one piece hopefully, so you’ve done the first part right.

Now you, the person reading this, are most likely to be one of the following three people: from a town smaller than Palmy so you’re going to find everything here amazing and fresh and exciting; from a city bigger than Palmy so you might find it a little underwhelming but grow to love it; or you’re from Palmy and in that case, this is probably going to be no use to you.

Palmerston North is the jewel of the Manawatū and regardless of where you’re from, you’ll find something you love here. Obviously, I’ll start off by talking about all the places you can eat, seeing as it’s my third favourite thing to do after sleeping and breathing. All the good food joints are down Broadway Avenue, which also happens to have the Regent Theatre where the Royal New Zealand Ballet often visits, and is also where you may graduate one day. My favourites and go-to spots for dinners, dates and treat yourself nights are Chada Thai, Yeda, Brew Union and Haru. If those aren’t your style there is still an entire street packed to the brim with all sorts of cuisines and venues for every occasion. Cuba and George Street are the new up and coming areas in town, with cute, well-lit brunch joints that aren’t too hard on the pocket. Stand outs are definitely Moxies, Barista and Café Cuba.

This area is also home to the Palmy North public library and Bruce Mackenzie book store where I have Orientation

bought many paperbacks and never regretted it.

Maybe you’d want to do the same?

Instead of spending all your weekly Studylink payments on food, you’d prefer buying things to stuff into your already tiny dorm room. In that case, you’re probably going to be spending a fair bit of time at The Plaza, Palmy’s one and only mall.

They’ve got your fan favourites, like Kmart and Farmers. And some surprises too! Like three different places to cut your hair, two different massage places, three phone stores in a Bermuda triangle of prepay deals, and your classic overpriced mall cafes. If paying full price isn’t in your budget, then try your hand at the multitude of op shops around town like Savemart and Salvation Army. Uncle Ben’s and Reduced To Clear have ridiculously cheap snacks and Pak’n’Save is a staple for those affordable weekly grocery trips.

If you’re one of the special ones that has brought a car with them then you’re probably going to find yourself carting over a load of mates for late night Maccas runs and unluckily for you, they’re 24/7.

If emptying your pockets isn’t your thing then there are oodles of things to do outdoors too. Take the time to walk about the campus before it gets filled with the other 9,000 students. Down towards the Oval and the Refectory offer nice quiet places to destress and just across University Avenue, there’s a quiet track through Bledisloe Park. In town you’ve got a bunch of parks with playgrounds for when you’re feeling whimsical and want

to get stuck on a tiny slide because you’re 18 now and don’t fit on those anymore. There’s Victoria Esplanade if you’re feeling bougie, right by the mighty Manawatu River. It’s home to flowers, a miniature railway track and the brand spanking new wildlife rescue centre. Railway Park on Church Street often has fairs, sometimes a circus and always a haunted maze for Halloween that I refuse to go to. If you’d rather make a trip of it, you can try your hand at the Manawatū Gorge track and take in the natural beauty of the Ruahine ranges. They’ve got blueberry and strawberry picking at Blue Acres out Ashurst way, as well as the Te Apiti windmill farm. Himatangi and Foxton Beach are just half an hour out to the west and I definitely don’t have a preference but if I did, I’d tell you to go to Himatangi.

Last list of things to keep in mind: don’t park under the trees on the Broadway side of The Square unless you want your car to be covered in bird shit, Kmart is open till midnight and they don’t mind if you turn up in your PJ’s. I’ve probably left out a bunch, so do yourself a favour and go have a look yourself just in case.

Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, Palmerston North really does have something for just about everyone.

As cheesy as it may sound, Palmy might be your first home away from home so take every opportunity you can to make lasting memories here.

Good luck!

23

WHICH FLATMATE ARE YOU? Whether you’re losing your halls virginity or bracing yourself for another year of flatting, there’s always a cast of characters you’ll cohabitate with.

Massive have whittled these stereotypes down to a helpful field guide so you can identify these critters.

By Laura Macdonald

The Sloth This flatmate only ever has two cans of baked beans on their shelf and always drinks everyone else’s milk. Their curtains are always shut when you walk past and they only use 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. They haven’t cleaned the bathroom once and never wash their pubic hair down the drain. They bought toilet paper once and are still reminding everyone of this even though they haven’t paid expenses in a month. They’ve asked you (on more than one occasion) how to cook a packet of Mi Goreng and you’re starting to wonder whether their mother still wipes their ass whenever they go home for the holidays.

The Living Room Raconteur You’ve never seen this flatmate within a 5km radius of the university campus - they seem to solely inhabit the living room and the local nightclub. They’ve set up an informal work station on the couch, which consists of their laptop, two chargers that you’re constantly tripping over, empty vape pods, anywhere from two to five used mugs, and a box of half-drunk VB. They compensate for the mess with their seemingly endless supply of yarns, which they’ll happily recount for anyone frantically trying to leave for the lecture they’re already late for. These tales usually revolve around a central cast of ‘the boys back home’ and involve copious amounts of alcohol. This flatmate is invaluable to anyone feeling lonely or trying to procrastinate an assignment, but slightly surplus to requirements for those with a full social calendar.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Manic Pixie Dream Flatmate

The Room Rat

Walking into this flatmate’s room is not indifferent to stepping into your local Cosmic store. The incense is overpowering and there are too many tie-dyed Ganesha tapestries on the wall. This flatmate spends their course-related costs on AUM tickets and exclusively listens to trance music. They walk around in an oversized band shirt and their underwear - stick and poke tattoos visible to all - talking openly about masturbation and smoking weed out of a crystal pipe they bought from Etsy. You can’t help but want to be them, but also know they probably won’t graduate and will still be attending 121 warehouse raves in ten years’ time.

The only indication that this person is actually living here is that their rent payment keeps coming through.

You have no mutual friends on Facebook and they seemed way too chuffed to be paying $220 for your mouldy cupboard of a spare room on Manners St. The only other evidence of their existence in the flat are the empty Monster Energy cans in the recycling bin and the faint smell of Lynx Africa wafting out from underneath their locked door. If you’re living in the halls, you’ll be able to recognise this person by the lack of eye contact they make in the communal laundry (their voice is also a seemingly perfect match with the muffled screeches you hear in-sync with video game gunfire at 2AM).

The Matron

The Influencer

This flatmate is still hounding you for the $2.15 you apparently owe for a bottle of Ajax they bought two months ago. They’re the only one that knows the rubbish collection calendar off by heart and are constantly messaging the flat chat about everyone doing their fair share of the dishes. It’s no surprise that their family is rich, white and breeds horses.

Once a month they go on a cleaning rampage, violently dragging the vacuum cleaner around and sighing loudly so anyone within earshot feels guilty.

They then don’t speak to anyone out of resentment for the next 2-3 business days. This often triggers memories of when your mother did the same thing and your dad would lock himself in the office while you hid under your bed, trembling.

It’s time to play Spot the Influencer! Every influencer has at least three of the following flat possessions: waffle duvet, Monstera houseplant, crochet wall hanging, Lululemon yoga mat, and a Frank Green keep cup drying on the edge of the kitchen sink.

This flatmate manages to rise at 6AM, listen to a self-love podcast, meditate and pack a salad for lunch all while you sleep off last night’s cranberry vodka goon. When they’re not attending their cross-cultural communication classes or an F45 session, they’re most likely in the lounge browsing The Iconic or ASOS on their MacBook. They have no apparent mental health issues and are constantly inviting the other flatmates to a ‘girls weekend’ at their stepfather’s winery in Hawke’s Bay.

Orientation

25

CELINE CHAN Describe your work in an elevator pitch.

I am a Design graduate and paint digitally and traditionally with gouache and acrylics. I also shoot portraits that capture emotions and expressions with a sense of looseness, minimalism and exploration of textures and muted colours.

What degree did you study at uni?

I studied Digital Design – majored in 3D and 2D animation and minored in motion capture.

Do you have any advice for budding artists?

I know we hear this often but, practice and practice – with music in the background if you can! Drawing from inspiration seen in everyday life or nature helps as well – don’t always follow the art trend as seen on Pinterest or Instagram – find your own style or try to use references from your own photos. Also it gives your art a bit of fun when you create little stories behind each piece. And never be afraid to go out of your comfort zone and try to use different mediums – watercolour, clay work, photography, etc as it might inspire you in different ways!

What do you love most about art & why?

I have always loved art since I was a child – I was inspired when I saw my first Studio Ghibli film Spirited Away. Art creates a platform for discussion and expression – it’s cool hearing the conversations surrounding art and the range of different interpretations of the same piece. I love seeing the story behind other people's art and the ability and freedom to create a narrative from scratch and being transported to another world where things don’t have to have logic and I love sharing that experience with other people.

How can I follow you on social media?

Check out my blog on https://celinehychan.wixsite.com/ciene And follow me on Instagram @cien_e

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Day at work

I’m (not) listening Golden Hour (next page)

Orientation

27

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Orientation

29

EMBRACING YOUR ORIENTATION

Like meeting up with a Tinder date or going for your first big job interview, embracing your cultural and sexual orientation can be daunting. Living out the university experience and diving headfirst into the ice cold, shark infested waters of adulthood means making tough decisions, meeting some great (and not so great) new people whilst growing as a person, discovering who you are and who you want to be. Here in our quirky capital, we pride ourselves on the large array of different people, cultures and sexual identities that we can see about the streets on a day-to-day basis, which makes it all the more exciting to get out and explore what the world has to offer. From special events such as Pride Week, the Chinese New Year festival, Waitangi Day and Matariki, to everyday things such as the Wellington Māori Culture Society, language meet-ups and the Rainbow Wellington community groups, nobody will find themselves at a loss of self discovery.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

You only have to step outside and take a stroll down Cuba Street, or have a browse through a list of Wellington restaurants to comprehend the prodigious array of cultures and ethnicities we host. There are SO many benefits to learning about and embracing other cultures (I would list them but you can probably already guess) and if you – like most fidgety pregraduates – are awaiting the day you can finally get on a plane and see the sights, then Wellington is the best place to get a taste for what’s in store. Chinese New Year kicks off in February with parades and craft markets and food stalls and cultural entertainment that shed light on the formidable country we get most of our goods from. We also host an international film festival which kicks off in March and displays an impressive range of films in over 40 different languages, highlighting the sounds and creations from other parts of the world. Of course, we also acknowledge and celebrate our native culture.

IN THE CAPITAL

By Elise Cacace

Matariki and Waitangi Day are celebrated with Sky Shows along Wellington’s eminent waterfront, bilingual tours of Māori history at Te Hohu and live music and kapa haka in Waitangi Park. Whether you’re wanting to embrace your own cultural orientation or learn about another, language tutors, Wellington international clubs and meet groups are only ever one Google search away. They don’t call us the cultural capital for nothing, but its not only different cultures that Wellington chooses to embrace.

Are you finding the closet is getting a bit too warm, but the outside world still seems a bit to scary and judgmental to expose yourself too? Or perhaps you’re still in that process of trying to figure out how to sexually identify yourself, or you simply want to get out and explore what’s on offer. If this sounds like a bit of you then I am happy to say you have landed in the perfect spot for surrounding yourself with likewise people and safe environments

Orientation

that can help you take those early steps towards self-discovery.

Embracing your sexual orientation is a big thing, and the fear of being labelled, abused and discriminated against undoubtedly plays a large role in encumbering people from venturing out and involving themselves in community LGBTQIA shindigs.

A good place to make that first break out of your comfort zone are at the Pride Festivals and Pride Parades that kick off in both February and March, where thousands of people with the same common interests gather and celebrate their differences together. If you have lived in Wellington for long enough then you’d be sure to know what they’re all about, and if you haven’t then you’re in for a treat! Different events, performances and activities are scattered across Wellington over the stretch of two weeks, all dedicated to promoting a friendly and inclusive environment for our

diverse queer family, and the fun doesn’t stop there! Day to day things such as the rainbow community group, Ivy bar and Cabaret and Scotty & Mal’s are great places to check out if you’re new to the scene and wanting a safe friendly environment to kick back, have a few drinks and meet some new people that share the same common interests. The very best part about these places is that if at any point you feel uncomfortable or you don’t vibe with the scene – you can simply get up and leave.

At the end of the day, Wellington is all about bettering our community and providing a safe, cordial environment that caters for everybody. As JFK once said, if we cannot now end our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.

31

NEW ZEALAND Gothic

By Tui Lou Christie

The path home to see my dad is full of eyes. The blank stares of sheep, the square-eyed goats, great cattle herds that turn their heads to look in sync. And the locals - well, the locals are the hardest. Weathered brows, thin slit mouths set in squared off jaws. As we drive my beat up car through the backwash of State Highway 1, every pair of eyes turns to watch us pass like a rank of shotguns.

- we ate dinner on the road, I explain. Just a cup of tea and we should be getting to bed. White and one, please. Not a builder’s brew but a farmer’s cuppa. I know that well enough. My dad obliges, not meeting my eyes. His big, calloused hands move methodically between each mug, with the fumble of fingers unaccustomed to delicate work. He opens a new pack of sugar.

We’re not from round here. We have soft hands. We don’t belong.

“And for you, Eleanor?”

We arrive just after dark. Our headlights cut a path through the overgrown night. My old family home stands surrounded by the native bush - deep, dense, filled with black. I see my dad’s yellowframed silhouette in the doorway.

It is dark, but I know that his tools hang in a row by the door. Canvas work belt, claw hammer, shears that never dull. Behind the house, I hear the farm dog digging a furrow with his pacing chain.

A whistling kettle, tapping fingers Massive Magazine | Issue 01

“Just a little milk, thank you,” my girlfriend replies. She is grinning, she loves an adventure, she’s never been this far out in the country.

She doesn’t see the door my mother used to sleep behind before she left.

We sleep in my childhood bedroom.

The stars my mum put up are still there, staring down from the ceiling. From the window, you can see across the back paddock to the edge of the bush. The black line that pushes forward if you stare at it too long. As I stand at the window, I see it creep closer every time I blink.

Eleanor finds a box of my old things under the bed. She is grinning, pulling out toys and clothing and photographs.

On the back paddock, stalking the black line, is a weka, complete with softly mottled feathers. Those birds have deep red eyes, but it is too dark for me to see them. A bird’s face is not nearly complicated enough to justify all the things its eyes can say.

You need to be careful with birds like that. Don’t think too hard about it, or they’ll tell you things you don’t want to hear. I know in the bush is the ancient truth, faint, as impossible as tomorrow. I shouldn’t, but I keep looking.

The bush has been watching this house forever. What says you deserve to be here? What are you doing to justify the air you breathe?

The weka steps into the moonlight.

I think it is looking at me. Things in this bush hunt what they were made to. Things in here protect their own. Things in here die and feed others, things in this bush

belong: what gives you the right to stretch your ancestry in my land?

I quickly shut the curtain.

In the morning, my dad will wake up with the sun, like he always has. He will take the farm dog and tend to the sheep first. Then mucking out the pig and collecting eggs and draining the ditches. I’ll have to stick around to say goodbye at smoko time. I try to sleep, and ignore the thought of tomorrow’s oil slick hillside journey to the shed.

Eleanor is peacefully curled up under my chin. Outside I hear the black line dragging itself over the dried lawn, weighted by the moon’s cast. I hear the cold whispering to get in through any tiny crack in the weatherboard. Somewhere in that bush is the name of God. The stars wink down from the ceiling and the house breathes in.

I wonder how long ago this house stopped being mine.

Orientation

33

Pets and Rentals

By Michael Salmon

‘“Why are others having a different experience to me?”

I think I’ve come up with the answer. We don’t know how to sell the idea of our animals.’

If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times;’“Life is tough’.

And though it may be three tired words slapped together again and again by people sick of listening to your problems, it’s still very true.

Life IS tough. Everyone has their share of toughness to endure. One population I know a lot about is pet owners looking for rental properties.

I own a border-collie named Mellon. She is the best dog in the world (I know every dog owner says this but one of us must be right, right?) Mellon and I have lived in seven different rental properties in about 18 months. We’ve never been kicked out of a flat, we’ve just had to move a lot. Our most recent move was to Wellington.

People told me this move would be nigh impossible because the rental market in Wellington is insane.

They were half right. The rental market in Wellington is absolutely insane. Prices are often egregious and the quality of rooms and houses are frequently lacklustre. But where they were wrong was the part about it being nigh impossible. I put up an ad on a Wellington flatters Facebook page and within two days I had several offers of rooms.

Yet time and time again, I see “bump” at the bottom of posts from people with pets. So I asked myself, “Why are others having a different experience to me?” I think I’ve come up with the answer. We don’t know how to sell the idea of our animals.

There are more people needing rooms than there are rooms for Massive Magazine | Issue 01

said people, so when someone advertises a room they’re looking for reasons to exclude the many people applying for it. I see so many people implying, if not outright saying that the pet they come with is extra work. Maybe your dog barks at sparrows, maybe your axolotl smells strange, maybe your cat knocks your favourite mug off the shelf because you weren’t paying attention to them because god forbid you get a damn moment to yourself for once…. Ahem…

I don’t advocate outright lying but for goodness sakes, focus on the positive aspects of your pets! I’m essentially a garbage person (not professionally, I mean a person made of garbage) but a picture of Mellon with a lovely description more than makes up for that! Talk about how your dog is a wildlife enthusiast, how your axolotl has unique qualities, how your bastard cat is a hobby interior designer.

What I’m really trying to say is, don’t advertise your pet as more work or more stress. Turn the thing that is making finding a rental difficult into a selling point. In my experience most people like having animals around, so tell them why they want to be around yours.

Also, if you abandon a pet to make renting easier, then you’re a terrible person.

Climate Corner

By Connie Sellers

‘My aim is to find hope beneath a mountain of bad news.’

2019 was a year of huge environmental action and awareness, speaking out on behalf of our hurting planet and pushing our government to take action.

Although we have been aware of the detrimental effects of climate change for years, we have only recently seen serious action by the masses, involving the widespread School Strike 4 Climate and Extinction Rebellion movements mustering millions of protesters.

Our recent uptick in awareness and concern for climate issues is crucial to provoke change and to make more sustainable choices in our day to day lives. However, the downside to this climate anxiety is constant helpless feelings that nothing we can do will resolve the crisis. We’re constantly surrounded by news illustrating the horrors of the climate crisis and the inaction of those who do not seem to care.

It feels like a heavy layer of smog sitting perpetually on our shoulders, weighing us down, and it can adversely affect the vitality of our efforts.

This growing anxiety sparked me to create this column to discuss the positive changes that are happening in order to spread some positivity and optimism. By doing so, I do not wish to create a false sense of optimism or ignore the crisis at hand. My aim is to find hope beneath a mountain of bad news. A place to come to when all else seems hopeless. A place I hope can help spark action by demonstrating what is possible if we all rally together.

Orientation

To kick things off, it would be ignorant to ignore the ongoing tragedies facing Australia. The ravaging fires which began to burn through millions of acres of Australian land at the end of 2019 have been the worst yet. Australia saw its hottest days ever recorded twice in December 2019. Over 2000 homes have been destroyed, leaving people homeless and seeking refuge. New South Wales and Victoria taken the worst hit with more than five million hectares burnt. In this debut column, I’ve quickly touched on a variety of larger and lesser known causes helping Australia, which I hope can demonstrate the extent of this global effort.

From these dark times we have seen a great deal of humanity rise to meet the challenge in a great sign for hope for the future. Australia Zoo has helped treat and rescue over 90,000 animals affected by the bushfires. The Australia Zoo Wildlife Hospital, run by the Irwin family, is taking in hundreds of native animals. Wildlife Warriors is a not-for-profit organisation, established in 2002 by the Irwins.

They take donations to help save endangered, threatened and injured wildlife.

ditch to help our neighbours.

Celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Hemsworth, Elton John, Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe have all used their platforms to help contribute, some giving nearly $3 million.

Australian comedian Celeste Barber raised a whopping $31, 705, 797 in donations via Facebook. Instagram model Kaylen Ward (a.k.a. The Naked Philanthropist) raised over $750,000 by selling her nudes in return for donations. Motivational speaker and humanitarian Turia Pitt has created an Instagram page, @spendwiththem, promoting products from small businesses that have been affected by the fires.

The enormity of climate change can become overwhelming sometimes as media grapples our attention with stories of new catastrophes and calamities, but it’s up to us to continue stepping forward, despite opposition which can seem overwhelming. I hope with this column I can remind you of the opportunity we have for a revolutionary moment, one in which we all work together, such as we have in the stories I’ve shared above, towards averting the climate crisis.

Firefighters from New Zealand, the US and Canada have also travelled to Australia to help tackle the blaze. This is the first time since 2010 that the United States federal government has sent fighters.

Approximately 180 brave New Zealanders are deployed over the 35

Salivate

By Tess Patrick Salivate is here to help you get the most out of your measly student meals, while still making the most of your weekend.

I brought a breadmaker with me to my first year of uni. People thought it was a bizarre thing to bring to the city, but shortly after we realised it was the best thing money could buy.

We would put in the ingredients for a loaf of bread before we went out on a Wednesday night, and arrive home and make cheese toasties with fresh bread. It went relatively smoothly for a breadmaker that served 30-or-so daily, and despite occasionally returning home to loaves with the middles eaten out and only crusts remaining, she lived a good life. Until the RA’s claimed her for their own (a classic stitch-

up). Now we were breadmaker-less and broke.

Here’s the thing about bread. It tastes great, it’s versatile, and it just makes you feel good. The problem is, in a city full of bakeries, the nourishing loaves are too expensive and bleached, refined, nutrientpoor flours are being used in the affordable options.

So, make your own! It’s been scientifically proven that carbs make you happy. Carbs are broken down into glucose, and the fast-burning foods are often linked with the pleasure (and addiction) sections

of the brain. They’re also ideal for boosting serotonin levels; so get some in you.

In second year I met a boy that ticked all of my boxes. We bonded over our love of Ice Cube’s ‘No Vasaline’ and Vans slides. Nothing ever eventuated but we still kick it from time to time, mostly just sending each other our favourite recipes. So here’s his go-to loaf of bread that changed the game for me.

No-Knead Seed Bread 2 ¾ cups wholemeal flour (I use spelt instead, with a

In a large bowl, mix everything but the water together.

little less water, you could use your favourite gluten-free

Stir in the water until you get a thick and chunky dough (remember to use less if using spelt). The dough should be barely wet.

flour too) ¼ cup rolled oats plus extra for sprinkling 2 tbsp pumpkin seeds plus extra for sprinkling 2 tbsp sunflower seeds plus extra for sprinkling 2 tbsp sesame seeds plus extra for sprinkling 2 tbsp linseed/flaxseed plus extra for sprinkling 1 ½ tsp salt ½ tsp instant yeast 1 ½ cups room temperature water

Cover the mixing bowl and leave somewhere warm for 12 hours (ideal for overnight).

The next morning, preheat your oven to 230 degrees celsius and put in your covered baking pot with a lid to warm with it. If you don’t have one, it will be okay to use a loaf tin with tin foil.

When the oven is warm, remove the baking pot and line it with baking paper, scrape the dough from the bowl and form it into a ball with your hands.

Dust the baking paper with some extra flour to prevent sticking, put the dough in, sprinkle with leftover seeds, put the lid on and into the oven to bake.

After 30 minutes, remove the lid (using an oven mitt) and bake for a further 15 minutes to crisp up the top.

When done, transfer to a cooling rack as quickly as possible and let it cool. Try not to eat it all at once.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Suffrage

By Tess Patrick Welcome to the election year, shall we play a drinking game? Take one shot every time weed is called a gateway drug, down your drink if Mike Hosking says something idiotic, offensive and just straight-up untrue.

Finish the whole box if Sharon on the NZ Herald comments tries to tell you climate change doesn’t exist.

Look, I’ll attempt to remain your non-partisan commentator, imploring you to think a little deeper on the issues that really matter and encouraging you to wade past the bullshit and decipher the policies at play.

But at the end of the day, you’re ticking the box - so you best know the terms and conditions.

So far we’ve seen a crusade against gangs (surely we’re sick of this rhetoric) and a KiwiBuild that’s served up less than we hoped for. Winston’s been around for longer than New Zealand has been colonised, so is this the year he gives young people a chance? David’s no longer dancing but he’s still championing euthanasia like it’s not going to pass, with the bill pending royal assent, and Chloe Swarbrick’s still telling it like it is.

This term has been surprisingly positive for the planet as it dies a slow, painful death. Climate change has been called the nuclear-free movement of the decade and carrying a beeswax wrap is the latest fashion trend.

We’ve finally seen a Minister for Conservation who’s actually worked in the field and a climate policy passed that sets a precedent for our friends struggling with the effects over the ditch.

This term has also seen tragedy and terror. From the Christchurch shootings to the Whakaari explosion, our caring country has been heartbroken and divided. But we have had a leader who cared, who listened, and who showed up for her people. It was often described as the kindness and compassion only a mother could have.

But then there was the time she didn’t show up.

Flags have only just come down at Ihumātao, a place of tension that rubbed salt in the wounds of our indigenous people. A fierce reminder that land was taken, and will continue to be taken until we find a strong voice in our parliament condemning this shit.

We’ve also witnessed, in my humble opinion, the most redundant opposition in decades. A leader only holding his job because he’s the best option of a bad bunch, and a room full of grown adults that still play playground politics - attacking the people, not the policies they preach. But somehow he’s not doing too badly on the landline polls? Are you surprised? Sure, charisma is important, but wouldn’t you rather crush capitalism and get cosy with the caucus? I’m here to help you weed through the rubbish, and pick apart the issues that matter for people like you and me.

Or you could just vote for tax cuts. That always works in everyone’s favour, right?

Orientation

37

Prolapse and pantsuits Confession: I screwed the crew.

We all have (or will eventually) hook up with an individual who regularly exists in the same realm as our current close social circles. The only thing worse is if they live in the same building as you. Well, beyond the delusion of perfection I hold myself to, I am indeed human, - more horrendously, male - and therefore my penis does a lot of the decision making.

So, there I am, BBQ sauce on my ti- wait no, there I am, watching Melissa McCarthy throw a watermelon at an African American man as the boy next to me brings up our drunken making out session from the weekend. Ten minutes later, we’ve got our pants off. Somewhere between the sex and Sandra bullock in a pantsuit, we managed to conclude that I can’t sit down for a week and the sex was non-committal. Perfect, right? Absolutely not.

Whoever said gays are great at hooking up, haven’t met gays. If the collective insecurity about how dark our assholes look or the consistent trend of dating a decade above your age bracket didn’t give it away, we latch onto anything that feels moderately decent. Anyway, beyond the equal parts of projecting and judging, the sex was good, and for the time, the arrangement clear. Fast forward two days, arrangement changes, emotions flare and suddenly it’s a lot more awkward. But don’t you worry, the bad decisions aren’t over yet!

Flash forward yet another week and suddenly you’re in a Tarantino level fetish movie with drunken making out at a formal event, a bloodied asshole, followed by all abstraction of any coherent conversation on my part. After a drunken trek home - worse than Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain wanting to do it raw after a dinner of beans - we end up stripping off in the equivalent of the great outdoors, the couch facing glass-walled hallways in the living room where pre-drinks were abandoned, resulting in a few more unplanned visitors.

After mutual agreement that the current interaction wouldn’t end in sex, with each affirmation resulting in more abandoned clothing and dignity, we make it to the bedroom for the sex to last a whopping minute before I’m ready to both hurl or pass out. I did the latter.

To be continued...

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

The Unlonely Woman Who am I? Well I’m your local sex and dating columnist The Unlonely Woman.

I write about my own fucked up dating life where you’ll either laugh with me or at me but hey as long as you laugh that’s the main thing. Having a bad day? Read the column about me shitting out cum.

Well here we are sis and sir, back at it again for the third year in the row. I thought, you know what? Let’s start off a bit light-hearted instead of going all in on butt plugs.

Let’s talk about heartbreak. I know, I know, dating…what an absolute shitter. We go on dates with people and we test the waters; we stop talking or one of us calls it off, yet we continue to watch each other’s Insta stories without actually deleting each other on social media. It’s like we don’t want to completely cancel out the person because it could be a potential fuck, so we literally just watch each other’s stories of fishing (or me on one of my drunk stories). I actually do this thing where I self-sabotage purely so I don’t get hurt. I’ve only really liked about three guys in my whole life - like, I mean really like. Now me being the bad bitch I am, I don’t wanna say I’ve been heartbroken, but let’s just say three guys have made me cry. I do this thing where normally once I go on two dates I will act a certain way to make guys not like me. Because I don’t want to cry over a guy again. Like I genuinely DO NOT want to get hurt again. I don’t like the feeling and don’t allow myself to feel that way.

But yet here we are, tears and all, writing this column because you guessed it. Ya sis got hurt AGAIN. It’s really weird because I don’t hate him, I actually think he’s a great guy. But sometimes it’s just not the right time. It’s really that simple. We can’t force someone to like us nor should we have to even try in the first place. Look, I get it, you’ve moved away from home and broken up with your highschool sweetheart, come out of a summer romance, or found out the guy you were dating had unprotected sex with your mate and lied about it. Hey, I get it.

What do we do? We blast the fuck out of Lizzo, colour our hair pastel pink, binge eat an extra large vegan pizza from Dominoes and lastly, you hopefully live with amazing flatmates like I do, who let you cry it all out on their shoulder. But most importantly we look in the fucking mirror at our soulmate. Ourselves. We remember we are that bitch and it’s okay to feel hurt or confused, because that’s life. Life or dating for that matter is not meant to be easy, because otherwise you wouldn’t learn anything.

But you have to remember in a month from now we will upload the video of us crying that we sent to one of our best mates, because it’s a funny reminder that we let a situation make us cry so hard we nearly vomited whilst driving twice. Why ‘The Unlonely Woman’? Because you are never alone - you have yourself and that’s the most important person you could ever have.

Work on yourself, fall in love with yourself, pleasure yourself and know your fucking worth.

Orientation

39

Horoscopes

By Bella Bolter

Aquarius

Leo

It’s set to be a cruel summer for Aquarians; temperatures are rising and so is your level of hotness. Stay hydrated and be the best water carrier you can be.

Just like Tinkerbell, you need applause to live, so be sure to sign up to all the clubs. Go to the toga party to strut your stuff, and finally get treated like the deity you are.

Pisces

Virgo

Beware Mercury goes into Retrograde on the 17th and stays in Pisces until March 10th. Be careful with your words. Be careful with your ‘close friends’ list. Anything could happen.

Work on your tact and delivery; despite the fact that people need to hear your perfectly valid criticism, find a way to give it that ends with you making friends and not alienating the whole class.

Aries

Libra

Carpe Diem? More like Carpe DM slide. Venus is in Aries and now is the time to shoot that shot! With all the energy of the beginning of Semester, now is the time to strike while the iron is HOT - just like you!

While not the most vocal in lectures - we have the mature student for that - you are always keen to weigh in and help others achieve balance in their life.

Taurus

Scorpio

You feel less like hitting up O-Week and more like hitting ‘Add to Cart.’

Try and show face at one event, otherwise you could be accused of going full hibernation mode. Every squad needs your earthly balance.

You will bump into someone you’ve slept with; they will go for a hug, while you swerve with a high five.

Gemini

Sagittarius

Be sure to wash both of your faces, and be at class bright and early.

Your tendency to play the devil’s advocate haunts you this week. Save some of those extra spicy takes just for your diary.

Through sheer Sagittarius magnetism, you will draw those to you. You will promise “just one drink,” and awake 12 hours later, in another city with no recollection of how you got there.

Cancer

Capricorn

Try not to have a breakdown on the first day of uni. But if you do, the best toilets for crying are in Block 5.

Once you’ve pulled yourself together you can face O-Week head on.

As the mastermind behind all your group projects, you know you’re unappreciated. Most simply lack your vision! Find a way to communicate this to your groupmates without breaking hearts.

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

Poetry drink up, losers i raise my half-drunk drink to this double decade New Year to us living it there is much to be done here’s to questioning the old, common & known to the attempted control of damage & borders & guns & love & ridiculous sex i raise my half-drunk voice to declare half-original thoughts flavourful metallic speeches rambling & slurring & rolling from stained lips here’s to the other half found in facebook comments & shared posts & shitty bars & inappropriate dinner conversation i raise my half-sunk glass to this $9 red & to moments of unexpected clarity often lost in the haze of dank smoke & sweet vapour & sweat i tip my bottle high to get every dreg because at the bottom of it the courage needed to face this double decade will be found in a raised glass to hope

-C. Gladstone Orientation Massive Magazine | Issue 01

41

Reviews It usually takes me six months to slog it out with a novel; I read this book cover to cover in four hours. I cried twice.

I think that’s the only review you need, but I still need to make the word count. This is Irish author Sally Rooney’s second novel and it is not dissimilar to her debut, Conversations with Friends in that it contains the same formula of a skinny, self-harming, clever female protagonist. Aside from that, this is a bible for heartbroken millennials.

It follows an on again, off again relationship that many of us will resonate with, set in dreary, poetic Dublin. This isn’t your tropey, flowery romance novel. It’s gritty and tackles subjects that many boomer aged romance writers would blanch at. Rooney also knows how to write a visceral sex scene without it coming across as transcribed from PornHub. No over the top performances or eye-watering euphemisms; just some sweaty, regular intercourse. This book socked me so hard in the chest that I wanted to DM her on Instagram and thank her for writing something that made me feel like I’m not alone in my aborted attempts at love. If you’re going to read anything this summer, make sure it’s Normal People.

Sisters Kathy and Jac have just launched Pavlova Press, an independent book publisher in the Far North. The sisters have penned its first volume, Scoria: Short prose from the cinder cone. Scoria is, according to the book’s introduction, small bubbles and glassy fragments of solidified lava. Derrick and Jenkins examine the bubbles and fragments of the human condition, a metaphor which I narrowed my eyes at upon first inspection. Writers really will try and make anything mean anything. Each short story is ambiguous and coy, with endings that make your nose sting and your heart flip out of its cavity (i.e Settlement, page 46). The short prose also tends to build a pace and before you know it, you’ve digested the entire book in one sitting. This book pairs well with a muggy afternoon, a fizzy beverage and is best served on a duvet soaked in sunlight to achieve the aesthetic your 15-year-old self would’ve reblogged on Tumblr. This book left me with a prose high, (a term that I have indeed just made up) by which I mean I think in dramatic, pausing sentences for about an hour after reading. The only downside of this book is that it brought back emotional trauma from breakups that I’d tried to repress for the last two years. But overall, I learnt several new words and was left with an inflated sense of achievement for finishing an entire book (even though it was only 105 pages).

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

President’s Address Kia ora koutou tauira.

Semester One is upon us and the hard work at MUSA hasn’t stopped. The amazing operations team have put together a great lineup of events for future fest 2020 and your brand new MUSA Executive has been gaining the tools and skills to support and amplify student voices this year.

Directly addressing student voices is a huge goal for the executive team this year. To tackle this we’ll be targeting the previously underutilised student seats on university boards, where up to 45 students can have direct input and power at an institutional level. If you want to be involved and make a positive change at Massey, come find us at MUSA and we’ll be happy to help before applications open mid-March.

Being an election year, students have a great opportunity to have our voices heard by the central government to take steps towards a barrier free education and create a debt-free future for all students in Aotearoa.

The best advice I can give you, whether be your first or last year at Massey is get involved in your student community and make the most of the events, resources and opportunities available to you. Finally, remember to look out for your fellow students and reach out when, if not before you need it.

Come find us up at MUSA anytime.

-Stefan Biberstein

Orientation

43

Puzzles

Across

Down

1. These add bitterness and complexity to wine (7)

2. The tone, mood, and energy of a place (10)

7. A West African nation (5)

3. Of or concerning navigation, sailors, or the sea (8)

8. A sudden desire to act (7)

4. Astronaut's org. (4)

9. Archipelago nation in Southeast Europe (6)

5. Refreshing drink made from hops (4)

11. In a state of excited movement (5)

6. One of the themes of this puzzle (4)

13. The 18th most populous country (4)

9. Pairs well with a light, fruity wine (5)

14. Man with the magic lamp (7)

10. Perhaps the most popular white wine (10)

15. You may pair this with your wine (4)

12. A luxury ship for cruising or sport (5)

16. You may end up here after a few bottles of 6 down (5) 13. As part of, or came with (8) 17. Popular red wine grape (6)

18. Wine with a pink hue (4)

21. What life becomes without travel (7)

19. You may like 10 down with this characteristic (4)

22. Second-largest city in Japan (5)

20. An authority or expert (4)

23. Traditional church days (7)

Massive Magazine | Issue 01

GET YOUR

FIRST PASS OF THE YEAR

BUY NOW SALE ENDS 15 MARCH

R A I T R E T

Y

SS. ON E PA IELDS. KIF T WO S FROM

* 9 4 3 SEAS2O0N $ S 20

PASED TIME ONLY LIMIT

Orientation

. on Pass eek Seas on Pass. as y Mid W *Tertiar ry Anytime Se rtia $429 Te

20

pass20 season

m/ ehu.co mtruap

45

Grab your SIM today

FREE

DATA NIGHTS 2GB FREE DATA EVERY NIGHT between 5pm and midnight limited time only

SMASHING o-WEEK PRICES! e To show your sTuDenT iD in sTor rFaCe! reCeiVe 10% oFF miCrosoFT su & heaps more Deals insTore!

Only on Vodafone MyFlex Prepay vodafone.co.nz/nights Massive Magazine | Issue 01 Free Data Nights: Limited time only, terms apply vodafone.co.nz/nights. MyFlex: Your MyFlex plan needs to consist of minutes, TXT and data totalling $13 or more. MyFlex plans renew every 28 days and auto renew if you have enough credit. See vodafone.co.nz/myflex for terms.

• CDs & DVDs • Games • TVs • speakers • Cameras • phones • CompuTers, TableTs & aCCessories • heaDphones • FiTness

PALMERSTON NORTH The Plaza, Shop 102, 84 The Square

Ph: 952 2223

MyHub - one-stop shop for your uni experience ASSIST ME

Need help

Resources

Feedback

Careers

Wellbeing

Development

SKILL ME

Head to myhub.massey.ac.nz for everything you need to know.

LOO

KIN

GF OR

FAC IL

ITA TO RS

WANT TO JOIN A CREW DEDICATED TO MAKING CHANGE AT UNI?

Campus Co-Lab facilitates the development and implementation of ideas that enhance the student experience at Massey University.

We are recruiting for four facilitators for 5hrs per week; all mentoring and training provided.

Apply online on campusco-lab.com (at the Become a facilitator tab) or get in touch for more info.

campusco-lab.com Orientation

@campuscolab

info@campusco-lab.com

47