Massive Magazine Manawatu Issue 08 2017

Issue 08

2017

Manawatū

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ALCOHOL • ‘Naughty’ Nights out •

• Why students are turning to ghost-writers: Massive goes undercover •

2| PRESS COUNCIL Massive Magazine is registered under the New Zealand Press Council which allows you as our reader to reach out to an independent forum for resolving complaints you may have.

DISCLAIMER The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages of Massive Magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society, or the Massive editor. MAWSA is an independent organisation that publishes Massive. Send any queries or complaints directly to Massive at editor@massivemagazine.org.nz.

Massive is subject to the New Zealand Press Council. If a complainant is not satisfied with the response from Massive, the complaint may be referred to the Press Council: info@presscouncil.org.nz or online via presscouncil.org.nz

Contents | 3

Features

News

10 Why students are turning to ghost writers

06 Local News

20 Lost and found

09 World and National News

23 Artist Feature: Sam Stephens

Regulars

28 Ditch the bottle and have fun sober

05 President’s Address

Opinion

42 Booked In / Bitchin’ Kitchen

17 A Pinch of Politics

44 Puzzles

26 Otago Students Association leading the way to student democracy

46 Events

34 The Yarns from Pitch Five 35 Mum’s the Word

04 Editorial 40 Culture with Paul Berrington

Interviews 18 Going Green: An interview with James Shaw 38 Massey’s own queen of DIY: An interview with Yanita McLeay

Humour 13 Jack’s guide to curing a hangover 14 Naughty nights out 30 Modern Miss Lonelyhearts 36 The Dilemma Doctor

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Editorial Hi everyone, I hope everyone is settling into the second semester well and is enjoying Massive Magazine’s compact new size (some of you may have noticed our last issue was smaller, or maybe it was something you missed!)

In this issue you might notice the New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) is mentioned a fair bit.

On page 26 last year’s Massive Magazine Editor Carwyn Walsh discusses the NZUSA in a thoughtful opinion piece.

I would take a stab in the dark and say about 90 per cent of people reading this editorial have never heard of the NZUSA, don’t know what it stands for and certainly don’t know what they do.

On its website, the NZUSA calls itself the national voice of New Zealand’s 400,000 students.

Made up of a membership body of local students’ associations, the union says it “exists to advance the political, social and economic interests of tertiary students whatever they study and wherever they live”.

While Massey University student Association (MUSA) is a full member and Albany Students Association (ASA) is an associate member of the NZUSA, Massey at Wellington Students’ Association has a long history of remaining independent from the union, something this year’s executive have been discussing throughout the beginning of the semester (for those of you in Wellington check out the local news section for more on this).

Some argue that given it is an election year it is important to ensure a student voice is heard, and this is best done through a national union such as the NZUSA. On the other side of the coin, some may argue that a union which most students have never heard of cannot claim to represent them.

And with membership coming at a hefty price, it appears more as an elitist club than a union set up to help students.

It is important to keep in mind student elections are coming up.

Student executives represent Massey’s student body and make decision about whether or not to join the likes of the NZUSA. With voter turnout dismal at best it is important to vote. You can keep an eye on Massive Magazine for more information on how to do this.

Think you can make a difference? Want to see something changed?

Why not stand for your campus elections? Student politics is much more important than it might seem on the surface!

In other news, we have more giveaways this week including $100 worth of Top Shop vouchers, to enter head along to page 16.

This issue of Massive Magazine looks at drinking. But fun and games aside alcohol is no joke. If you, or anyone you know, has any issues with alcohol check out the details below.

Until next time, Nikki

Where to get help: The Alcohol and Drug Helpline – 0800 787 797 Alcoholic Anonymous New Zealand – 0800 229 6757, or to find a local centre head to www.aa.org.nz Massey Health and Counselling Albany – Level 2, Student Central, Albany. Call 09 213 6700 or email studenthealth@massey.ac.nz Manawatū – Level 1, Registry Building, Turitea Road, Manawatū Campus. Call 06 350 5533 or email s.counselling@ massey.ac.nz Wellington – Level 3, Student Services Trust Building. Call 04 979 3030 or email shcwgtn@massey.ac.nz

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President’s Address Nikita Skipper president@musa.org.nz Sup its Skip and this is my yarn With second semester underway I always find myself now asking the question, “what the fuck am I going to do with my life after my degree?” and, “am I even going to get the job I studied for?” and the answer to both of those questions is "who the fuck knows?" But that’s totally fine. Most of us are going to create new and innovative jobs to support our ever-changing society, some of us may focus on the troubled education and political sphere, some may focus on the drastic need of changing our troubled environment, some may help those who are disabled to someday be able, some of us will be future farmers who will change the way we farm in New Zealand for the better with new sustainable farming and some of us will be parents who raise the next amazing and forward thinking generation ever, but it doesn’t just stop there. My brain and vocabulary aren’t big enough to explain the great things we will collectively bring to the world. The way I consider my interactions within university is that I will either be working with or for the people that are around me so make every interaction counts, make the voices around you heard and respected and they will hopefully do the same for you. So in end when you are asked or even think the dreaded question, “what are you going to do after your degree?” answer, “change the fucking world”.

Hey everyone! My name's Katelynn Roy and I am your student executive! I am studying a Bachelor of Agriscience, and I’m majoring in Equine (you can often see me wandering around the MUSA offices in gumboots). I’ve been at Massey for three years now, I am originally from Southland, and I love meeting fellow Southlanders studying at Massey. During my three years in Palmerston North I have made so many great memories, with people that I will never forget. I’ve gained so many new skills that I’m so glad I did! You’ll often find me attempting to learn new skills when I can! I belong to the Photography club at Massey in Palmerston North, and have been an active member for about a year; Unfortunately, this has been placed on the back burner, as I am a full time student and working for MUSA. My Position at MUSA is generally just administration stuff, so I book meetings with the rest of the wonderful executive team, and with the amazing operations team. I write agendas, and take minutes at meetings, along with working on other stuff with the president.

The position is generally laid back, but when it hits meeting week, it gets hectic making sure rooms are booked and the agenda was sent out and everything is there! There are so many great opportunities to meet new people through MUSA, through clubs as well as volunteers. As part of the executive team you meet people from all over New Zealand; I never thought I would have so many connections nationwide. If you see me around, please don’t be afraid to stop me and have a chat! I’m always happy to help, and I love hearing your opinions!

6 | Local News

Varsity A team gets into trouble for semi-final.

Manawatū Gorge land slip unable to be fixed.

NZTA says Gorge unlikely to reopen

By Adam Pearse

The popular passage that connects Manawatū to the Hawkes Bay may never reopen due to its unstable rock face, says the New Zealand Transport Agency (NZTA).

In a press release from the NZTA on July 7, Regional Transport System Manager Ross I’Anson says that despite efforts to clear debris from a slip earlier in the year, the road is under an imminent risk of further significant slips or rockfalls.

“Geotechnical assessments have confirmed that the entire hillside is moving, and the rate of that movement is accelerating.

“That’s an indication that a slip as large or larger than the 2011 slip which closed the road for 14 months could come down at any time.”

As part of State Highway 3, the Gorge route is a heavily trafficked road that connects over a half a million people and is key to businesses for transporting material.

This has led to the increased use of the two remaining connecting roads – the Pahiatua Track and particularly, Saddle Road.

While the transport agency is already investing $8.5 million in an upgrade to improve the safety and resilience of Saddle Road, allowing it to better cope with increased traffic volumes at times like this when the Manawatū Gorge Highway is closed, I’Anson says more work is planned.

“The significant length of the current closure has put the Saddle Road under added pressure, and the transport agency will be working to upgrade the road and keep it safe.

“The reality is that the Saddle Road will effectively be functioning as the state highway connection for this part of the country for some time,” I’Anson says.

I’Anson says in parallel to the work to address the issues in the gorge and support the current detour routes, the transport agency will also be looking at a range of long term options to bypass or replace the current Manawatū Gorge route.

Varsity A stumble at semi-final hurdle

By Adam Pearse Massey’s Varsity A rugby team weren’t able to continue the defence of the Hankins Shield as they fell to Kia Toa, 22-27.

After winning the premier competition last year and qualifying top of the league going into the semi-finals, Varsity A’s gave an underwhelming performance that saw their opposition take advantage of simple mistakes and poor defence.

Club Committee member Ben Koch admits that to see the team play as they did was a let down.

“It’s one of those things where you look at it and think ‘We’ve been playing so well across the whole season and then we went out and played like that’ so it was disappointing. It certainly wasn’t the best game they’ve played.”

Koch credits Kia Toa on their winning performance but feels Varsity played nowhere near their true potential.

“Kia Toa are one of those sides that if you’re going to beat them, you’ve got to knock them out in the first couple of rounds. They were a lot better than they were the week before but it’s still disappointing because Varsity are a lot better than how they performed and we know that.”

Koch says that there were glimpses of their recent form throughout the game but speculates that a lack of focus brought about their demise.

“There were patches when Varsity had the ball in hand and I thought ‘They look really good’ then there were patches that were just really ordinary. Whether it was a case of taking our mind off the game for those crucial patches, I’m not entirely sure.”

Despite the loss, Koch says the club is happy with the achievements made throughout the season and attributes the success to the new coach, Scott Lewis.

“It highlights how good of a job the new coach [Scott Lewis] has done. He was a player for a number of years and the club has really supported him through coaching courses to ensure that he was confident going into the season.”

Local News | 7

Students push for decriminilisation of cannibis.

Hannah Rowe of the White Ferns bowling during the Sri Lanka Women in New Zealand.

Rowe sets up White Fern win

By Adam Pearse Massey University’s Hannah Rowe has taken centre stage at the ICC Women’s Cricket World Cup in England, setting the foundations for a crushing 8-wicket win over Pakistan.

The Manawatū pace bowler took three wickets for just 22 runs in her spell of nine overs which included a hat-trick opportunity.

Rowe is glad to be making the national side’s starting X1 and says that taking the field, especially in a World Cup, is exhilarating.

“I loved getting back on the field with the girls. Every time I am on the field for New Zealand it is an amazing opportunity, but it is even more special at a World Cup.” The 20-year-old communications student is grateful to be surrounded by veterans of the women’s game that are able to impart their knowledge on to those less adjusted to the pressures of international sport.

“The great thing about this group is the trust and belief we have as a team unit. The confidence the older heads have in us younger ones means we know we have the skill set and it’s just a matter of taking it out onto the park.

“On the world stage nerves can rise quite rapidly so knowing your team backs you 100 per cent is invaluable.”

While she is happy with the team’s performance, Rowe is realistic when it comes to looking ahead at games to come.

“I think it comes down to ownership – everyone knowing their role and doing it.

“Obviously, we won’t play like that every game so it’s understanding what worked well and how we can replicate that throughout the back end of the tournament.”

Despite their form in the group stage, the White Ferns would not achieve qualification in the knockout portion of the tournament.

Students say it’s time weed is legal

By Mikayla Hopkins Many Massey University students are pushing for the decriminalisation of cannabis in New Zealand with some calling for its medical and recreational use to be legalised.

One Massey student says, “Specifically regarding marijuana, I would seek to see the full recreational legalisation across the board”.

Green Party candidate Thomas Nash agrees saying that legalising the recreational use of cannabis would be a wise move for the country.

“Making criminals out of people for their drug use causes far more harm to them, their families and their communities than the occasional joint does.”

While some disagree with full legalisation, students feel that decriminalisation is the road the country should be taking.

One second-year student stated that despite being a cannabis user himself, he felt that full legalisation would be a mistake.

“The government will just tax it like crazy, I think decriminalisation is the better option.”

Nash does not share this opinion.

“No, money will not be the deciding factor in marijuana legalisation. I think that many New Zealanders recognise that our laws are archaic, and out of touch. Particularly regarding medicinal cannabis.

“I think there is a real appetite for change,” Nash says.

“Kiwis don’t want others living in pain because of an outdated, uncompassionate law.

“We want people to have straightforward access to the medication deemed best for them with the advice of their doctor.”

8 | Local News

Massey volunteers recognised among Palmy’s finest

Members of Massey University's 'Massey Guides' program.

By Adam Pearse Two members of Massey University’s program ‘Massey Guides’ were nominated in Manawatū’s Volunteer Recognition Event that took place in June.

The two students, Megan Taylor and Tianyi Huang, were nominated for this event on account of their service to the ‘Massey Guides’ program that looks to ease the new students’ integration with University life.

Programme frontman Mark Rainier says both nominees poured their heart and soul into their roles and thoroughly deserve the accolades.

“Tianyi is a young Massey guide who took the bull by the horns and said; ‘I’m going to make the most of this opportunity, I’m going to make this opportunity work for me to make friends, develop my language skills, integrate myself into a university’.

“As a leader, Megan worked to support the Massey guide team.

She just went over and above what a Massey Guide is obligated to do and it’s because of her commitment and her care for her fellow students.

“We want to give them recognition and they deserve it,” he says.

It’s really gratifying to see students embrace the program and work towards helping other students.”

As part of their role as a Massey Guide, they are responsible for taking campus tours, delivering workshops and seminars, lecturing to students on timetables, providing support to students, and helping run a number of events.

Rainier says that not only do they help during official events, they also act as a good intermediary between student and staff.

“Students will approach peers more quickly than staff so to have some identified peers who we can trust to give the right information means that we are increasingly confident that new students and returning students will have somebody they can approach, somebody they can ask questions of. They are also our eyes and ears. They pick up struggling students very quickly.”

National News | 9

Opportunities Party promises students an extra Let’s get Quizzical $200 a week if elected

By Nikki Papatsoumas

1. In what year was the Berlin Wall built?

Young people are being promised $200 a week by Gareth Morgan’s Opportunities Party if elected this September.

Earlier this month The Opportunities Party launched an unconditional basic income policy, which is targeted at all New Zealanders aged from 18 to 23.

The policy, set at a rate of $200 a week, is designed to give all young New Zealanders a safety net of income to allow them to pursue their dreams, the party says.

As part of the policy, young people will not be drug tested or examined to qualify.

The money will be theirs as a right, from the age of 18 till their 23rd birthday.

The policy has been welcomed by New Zealand Union of Student Associations President (NZUSA), Jonathan Gee. He says the NZUSA has long called for a universal student allowance, noting the inefficiencies and unfairness of means-tested allowances in recent decades.

“In this important election year, politicians need to speak to the lived realities of young people, and allow for their issues to be brought up into the political system”, says Gee. “Means-testing for student allowances has proven invasive, inefficient and unreflective of the financial independence of many young people.

“We welcome policies that look toward universality, and the Opportunities Party’s youth universal basic income policy is a step in the right direction.”

However, Gee does dismiss inaccurate comments about tertiary education participation after Morgan stated that only 30 per cent of young people are in tertiary education, and that supporting students in university is middle class welfare as most were well-off.

‘We know that tertiary education is a powerful social lever which takes many disadvantaged communities out of poverty and reduces inequality,” Gee says.

“We want education to be available for all those currently locked out of tertiary study, not to reject their dreams.”

From around the Globe

3. Which nuts are used in marzipan?

4. Who is the director of Reservoir Dogs?

5. How many children did Queen Victoria have?

6. What is the name of the winged horse in Greek Mythology?

7. Which Turkish city has the name of a cartoon character?

8. What is the capital city of Australia?

9. In what year was Google launched?

10. What is the meaning of the Arab word Habibi?

OJ Simpson granted parole After spending nine years in a Nevada prison for armed robbery gone wrong, former football star OJ Simpson has been granted parole. Simpson gained notoriety after he was accused of murdering his wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman.

He was later acquitted. In a civil court decision, the now 70-year-old was found liable for their deaths and was ordered to pay the victims’ families more than $300 million.

Scotland makes sanitary items free The Scottish government is now handing out free sanitary items, including tampons and pads, to young women from low income families.

Business Insider reports this as an attempt to tackle period poverty. The free sanitary products are being offered as part of six-month pilot.

1. 1961 2. Agave 3. Almonds 4. Quentin Tarantino 5. Nine children 6. Pegasus 7.

Batman 8. Canberra 9. 1998 10. Sweetheart

Pocket’s Picks:

2. From which cactus is tequila?

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twee

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Tweet of the Week

10 | Feature

Feature | 11

Why students are turning to ghost-writers:

The new problem haunting higher education

By Taryn Dryfhout

New Zealand has a good reputation for the quality of our qualifications and the calibre of our research. Naturally, universities want to protect that reputation, but the increasing presence of assignment ghost-writers is threatening it.

As a writer, I have been approached many times to work as an assignment ghost-writer. While I have worked as a ghost-writer before, there is a different set of ethics at stake when it pertains to writing assignments. A ghost writer helps someone who has an idea, but lacks the writing skills to get it on paper. This might be an entrepreneur who wants to articulate their ideas into a blog, or someone who has had an interesting life, but who doesn’t have the skills to put their experiences into an autobiography. Assignment ghost-writing, on the other hand, involves writing someone’s assignment for them, and allowing them to submit it to the university in their own name, to be graded and contributed toward a course, and consequently, a qualification. While ghost-writing helps someone who isn’t a writer to publish their work, assignment ghost-writing helps students sail through university without doing the written assignment work. For a humanities student who chooses papers without exams, and without contact courses, this could mean not doing any work themselves, at all.

Platforms like Upwork and Freelancer.com frequently advertise for workers in this lucrative field and I’ve been approached more than once from university students to provide a ghost-writing service at both undergraduate, and postgraduate level. Though I have never taken up such an offer, I’d be lying if I said I’d never been tempted.

Ghost writing pays, and it pays well.

How Common is the Industry?

A quick Google search for ‘academic proofreading’ will offer you a range of options for custom-created assignments that can be available to you in as little as 24 hours. Ghost-writing has become so common now that it is being used in Ivy League colleges across the United States, Oxford and Cambridge in the UK, as well as throughout New Zealand. For markers, there is a very real risk that some of the papers you are grading were written by people who are not even enrolled in your course.

While it’s almost impossible to gather statistics on the extent to which these services are being used, there are several agencies which are offering their services and which seem to be keeping themselves in business, and there has certainly been evidence of the use of assignment ghost-writing in New Zealand universities and polytechnics. In 2012, three Wintec students were caught using ghost-written assignments and were given several punishments, including ‘zero grades’ and suspensions from enrolment. The following year, numerous organisations were tracked down and purported in the media for providing ghost-written assignments to Auckland students, one which operated using both local and overseas writers. In the same year, anonymous tip-offs were sent to NZQA, as well as several universities, including The University of Auckland, Auckland University of Technology (AUT), Unitec and Massey University, from someone outlining the work he had

done to help students cheat when he worked as a ghost-writer for an Auckland based organisation. In the age of internet, these organisations have become so ubiquitous that anyone with a credit card can have their assignment written, and many students are taking up the opportunity.

Going Undercover To find out what services were available to an undergraduate student, I approached several different agencies asking if they would speak anonymously about the work that they do. When all declined, I decided it was time to go undercover.

Posing as Charlotte Jenkins, a third-year BA student, I made my inquiries. A friendly woman by the name (or more likely pseudonym) of Aurora Pan replied within ten minutes, from online company www.bestghostwriters.net. The website claims to have over 300 ghost-writers available to to its customers, and serves in areas right across America.

According to Aurora, without even knowing the nature of the assignment, she was able to offer me a 1500-word undergraduate assignment for US $61.81, within their standard deadline of ten days. For the same assignment at master level, I would pay $91.59.

When I cited my hesitation that Massey University might find out that I had used a ghost-writer, I was assured that their service came with complete confidentiality.

“There is no need to worry about the university as we keep all of our client’s details safe and private. 100 per cent privacy is one of our main guarantees. Even your writer won’t know your name.

Please let me know if you would like to proceed, I will customise your order to make sure that everything will be done properly.”

As easy as this transaction could have been, other services can be rendered without even speaking to a person. Other websites allow you to submit an order using an online form where you input the deadline, length of the assignment and subject. Many services even allow you, for a higher price, to enter the grade required for your paper. According to one service, a 2000 word, B+ English essay due in a week will cost around £700 (with a 20 per cent discount if I could give them two weeks, rather than one).

Legal Loopholes This kind of academic cheating has become so common that an amendment to the New Zealand Education Act 1989 was made in 2011, making it an “offence to provide or advertise cheating services”. This means that writing an assignment for someone else, or submitting an assignment written by someone else is punishable by law, with several penalties including a $10,000 fine. So, why are ghost-writing agencies continuing to get away with it?

Firstly, the assignments that are written are completely original.

These organisations are not assignment banks where you can purchase a pre-written paper, they are ‘essay mills’ – this means that each essay is custom written to the specifications of your

12 | Feature

assignment. If a ghost-writer knows what they are doing, even programmes such as Turnitin and Copyscape will not be able to detect that it was ghost-written. Secondly, ghost-written assignments go under the radar because students who don’t want to raise suspicion by submitting a higher grade than they have previously achieved, can select a grade range. Assignments ordered with a lower grade will be of adequate passing standard, but will be artfully peppered with enough inaccuracies that it will be marked without suspicion. Organisations are also using legal loopholes to evade responsibility, offering the ghost-written assignments as ‘study guides’ or ‘examples’. When the requested work is delivered, it is often accompanied by a disclaimer that the work is only intended as an example of the essay which you might submit, and that it shouldn’t be submitted as your own work. By including this disclaimer, organisations are effectively washing their hands of their legal responsibility.

Plagiarism and Massey In addition to being illegal, Massey University policy strictly prohibits the submission of work which is not your own. According to the Massey University website: “Academic Integrity comprises all forms of scholastic honesty, whether you are engaging in undergraduate or postgraduate study. It requires you to be scrupulously honest about all aspects of your studies; in assessment activities – examinations, tests, reports, essays, seminars, lab notebooks, and thesis research and presentation. Write your own assignments, acknowledge ideas and text you have used from someone else, reference all sources.

“At Massey University breaches include but are not limited to…submitting material obtained from internet based essay depositories (paper mills) or similar sources…submitting an individual assignment written entirely or in part by another person (e.g. ghost writing and collusion – agreement between students to deceive).”

Anyone using a ghost-writer is in clear violation of this policy and is subject to penalties including an automatic fail on the paper, suspension and expulsion.

Of course, it’s not just the students who are responsible for the cheating. Ghost-writing organisations are not employing just anyone – they are seeking out graduates with several degrees – even PhDs – to do the work, raising questions about who is most culpable in this chain of degree devaluation. For those who feel strongly about the value of an academic degree, ghost-writing is also seen as a serious breach of ethics.

“A degree should make a statement – that its bearer has been willing to put themselves through three years or more of hard effort, through often very difficult and uncomfortable times. To extend their thinking beyond familiar habits. To see things from new and often complex perspectives. To achieve things they would not achieve outside of the degree. But when ghost-writers enter,

the degree’s gloss turns into doubt, with the question: “How much of this degree was the person’s own work, and how much did they pay for?” Ghost writers are an insulting attack on the hard work and expense of every honest person who has ever studied at university level,” says Massey Extramural Students’ Society President, David McNab. Why Are Students Turning to Ghost-Writers?

Several factors appear to be contributing to the rise in demand for ghost-writing assignment services. For some, language barriers are a factor. One Auckland-based organisation was directly supplying assignments to international students studying in New Zealand. For these students, not only is their qualification at stake, but thousands of dollars in costs to study here, often invested by family back home with high expectations.

Another factor is the lack of preparedness, with some students being thrown in at the deep end without having an academic background, and the skills required. Modern parents have got good at telling their kids things like ‘anything is possible if you just believe’. There is an underlying rhetoric that anyone is capable of anything, and it’s not always true. While I like to think myself ‘Wonder Woman’, the reality is, that I will never be an Olympic high jumper, or an astronaut. In the same way, not everyone is cut out for university. Some will struggle because they are unprepared for the rigour of academic writing, or because they lack the command of the English language that is necessary to succeed.

Students who have been indulged to believe they can achieve success at university despite their shortcomings will find themselves unprepared for the demands of the academic world. Enter ghost writing. Ghost-writing allows students, out of pragmatism (or possibly laziness and more money than they know how to spend), to pay their way through their degree. All they need is a computer and a credit card.

Albany Students’ Association President, Lance Walsh, says it is an interesting topic as it shows that students are getting more desperate to pass university no matter the cost.

“Most people who use the service would probably understand what they are doing is illegal and will get them removed from the university. Society has put university as a very important step to get to the workplace whereas this is not true. Some people are better suited for on-the-job learning rather than academic learning. It’s sad that there is a market for ghost-writers as it shows the stress students face day to day with assignments and the requirement to pass,” he says.

For now, it seems clear that the problem of ghost-writing within academia is not going to go away. If anything, the presence of assignment ghost-writing services is going to increase because the internet has made it easier for students to connect with potential ghost-writers, who are only a click away. And, no matter how much we want to deny it, there is a clear economic demand for it, otherwise agencies such as these wouldn’t exist.

Humour | 13

Jack’s guide to curing a hangover

By Jack Mayo The hangover. Sunday’s perfect match. At some point of your life you are probably going to experience some form of hangover after a huge night on the piss with your mates. So let me share with you the secret to curing a nasty hangover.

There is quite a lot you need to consider before you test out my marvelous method of magic. If you want to cure your hangover you need to act within the first three hours of finding out you are hungover – due in part to the levels of oxygen within the blood system. Keeping the cold, miserable weather in mind, this particular cure will only work if you have been in terribly bad atmospheric conditions within the last week, so sorry folks this is not a summertime solution. And finally, you must have at least $17 to pay for expenses. If you don’t have the coinage but still want to try, I find a neat trick is to ‘borrow’ the necessary items from your flat-mates or family.

Firstly you are going to need three simple things. A bottle of Nando’s Peri Peri sauce ($7 at Countdown), a purple cabbage (these are usually quite reasonably priced, but definitely subject to season), and finally some Egyptian custard, (this is quite hard to find, try the local markets, this is where the best and cheapest Egyptian custard tends to lurk around). With these three ingredients you are about to cure yourself from that down-buzz throbbing in your head.

Now for the preparation stages. Firstly you must grab your cabbage and peel it on a 45 degree angle. Next grate up your cabbage into small shavings (the smaller the better, and you get more of them if you grate them small, not big). These are done for now, I’ll come back to these shortly. Now grab a firm grip on your bottle of sauce, crack open the seal for a nice clean breaking effect and then twist the lid. Pour the sauce in a container and let it simmer about for a good few shakes of a lamb’s tail. Maybe you could go and listen to some fresh new beats during this time. Now here’s a shocking reveal about what to do with the Egyptian custard.

With that luscious black Egyptian custard, pour at least half of the pottle inside the same container the sauce is in. Now be careful in doing so as this is known to have quite a chemical reaction try to not inhale the fumes as these may cause a sense of blindness within

your eyes for anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 years. Now shove some finely grated cabbage in as well and fill to the near-brim with water. This will dilute the mix into a bearable acidic rate that the human skin will be able to handle. And yes guys, you guessed it, the next stage is jumping in the container.

You must jump in from at least seven feet off the ground and land on your back. The back slap will create synergy within the container on your connection with it, thereby creating small sensations up your spine and to your head. These small vibrations are of the same pain curing standards of morphine (they’re probably not really, but hey its not too bad). Sit in the bath of your mix and let it soak in, sit here for at least 25 minutes and then you should be feeling near 100 per cent.

Voila. I wish you the best with my hangover cure. This is what you’ve all been searching for, so grab your items and maybe even stock up for weekends to come. You can also use these items for other everyday activities, such as cooking and photography. Have fun, stay safe, cure that hangover, young blood.

While Jack’s hangover cure is great, remember the best cure for a hangover is to prevent yourself from getting one in the first place.

Drink in moderation and be sensible! The best hangover is no hangover.

14 | Humour

Tales of the drunk and disorderly:

‘Naughty’ nights out What is an embarrassing time you’ve been on the slosh? Massive Magazine asks students to share their embarrassing stories…

“Well here’s one. I was out on the town with a group of eager beavers when one of the brothers was trying to suss a tin. He knew that I was against the consumption of marijuana, but I was right out of my mind, pissed as fuck so I decided to stick with him and the boys and go suss some hooch. We approached the house, then out came the dealer. We went in and there was dank kush everywhere, in jars in fact. At this point in time I was beyond repair. The whole bottle of Kraken I had consumed earlier was rightly fumigating through my breath and I could feel a chunder about to happen. I ran outside and had a huck.”

“Well here is a story of absolute drunkenness. After a pre-drinking session with my rock climbing buddies, I decided it was now time to head out on Courtenay Place. I was ready to get my naughtiness on to the maximum level and turn the fuck up. We headed into the Establishment Bar and I started to dance. Immediately out of the corner of my eye a beautiful gal came over to me, she snatched me up and it was love. Well it was for a couple of weeks, she had to go back to Tokelau for volunteering or something. I was gutted, but hey, I was absolutely sloshed that night and I am very grateful for my attractive dab.”

“It was my mate’s 21st, we went to his damp Newtown flat and were prepared to get furiously naughty. I had already consumed the entire contents of the expired goon sack in my grandma’s drawer.

As me and the bro walked up Adelaide Road for a good hour, I fell over heaps because it was wet and slippery. We finally got there and I was feeling crook, crook as hell to be honest. I immediately sat on the couch. The party was huge so I knew I had my chance. I leaned over out of this window and let out the biggest, naughtiest chun I have ever experienced within my life. I felt good as until the next day when it all hit me. I was on Facebook when a post on Vic Deals showed up… “Local florist, defaced by vomit”.”

“Well it all started back in first year, when I was home for Christmas break, it was my mate’s birthday and we were prepared to get absolutely flustered, and that I got.

It was time to get an Uber to his place, I didn’t have the app at the time so I called 0800UBER, turns out I actually called my home phone. I answered it and realised that I had just called myself. Gee I was having a hysterical time, apparently I spent a good hour talking to myself while my mate ordered the Uber. There’s a video out there on Vimeo somewhere, but good luck finding it!”

“Well, this was back in the day. It was probably around year 12 or so. I attended

Humour | 15

a cube party (an inflated, cube shaped enclosure). It all started in the back of my mum’s Honda Jazz - she offered to soberdrive me and my mates, Beryl and Jonathan to the party. I was sitting in the back seat necking this bottle of Midori, which I found in my uncle’s liquor cabinet. It was burning but the succulent taste of melon was far too pleasing for my pallet to not enjoy. By the time we got to the cube party I was plastered. I frothed around to beats such as the Harlem Shake and various other gospel hits, I would’ve been frothing till around 3am when I got dragged outside by someone dressed like a cop. I started to take a piss because I was busting, but yeah turns out it was a real cop who had come to shut the party down. $330 fine later and nearly getting arrested, that is a story for the grand kids.”

“I got pissed once and got in everyone’s face with a camera thinking I was funny and on the footage they were pissed off.

Then I did a bunch of shots, cried because I thought I would be arrested, then threw up all over this girl’s house. Passed out on the toilet and woke up with joker face paint on.”

“So it was a few months ago on a Saturday.

I was the only one in my flat to go out to a party but I figured someone would be up

when I got home. Anyways after a few too many and a wintry cold skate home I arrived at my door to find it was locked. My room mate on the bottom floor was out so he wouldn’t be able to hear a knock. So I rang the doorbell and called various people for about half an hour with no answer. I then thought to ring my neighbour’s door for a while with still no answer. After another ten minutes I felt like my fate was sealed and I looked at hallway floor which was looking like a more tempting bed every second. I then decided that I wasn’t taking this and I convinced myself that perseverance was key. I then rang my neighbour’s doorbell to have the door open and close quickly to unlock the door. I walked into the flat to see my neighbour vanish into her room and slam the door clearly annoyed from her 3am waking. I made my way to the balcony and slung what was left of my double box over to my balcony. I then got up on the rail and peered over side to see parked cars below. The rail was squeaky from dew and I didn’t hesitate before vaulting onto my deck and into the warmth of my bed. Moral of that story is don’t forget your keys and probably don’t jump over the balcony. But it was worth it.”

“On New Year I hosted a party at my house and at the same time my parents had their friends round for drinks upstairs. I got super drunk and tried to light fireworks whilst holding them and ended up burning my

hand in three different places. After that I blacked out and don’t remember anything.

The next day my head was shaved and I was informed by both my mum and my girlfriend that I had gone upstairs and called my parents along with all their friends “a bunch of cunts.”’

“One time I was out in town with friends, and I got denied access into a club for being too wasted. I decided to call it a night and tried to walk my way back home, but I was so focused on looking at my shoes and trying to remember song lyrics that I took about four wrong turns and found myself in a completely unfamiliar area. I thought about getting an Uber, but I had given my phone to my friend to hold onto since I didn’t have pockets in my dress and was too wasted to remember to take it with me everywhere. To make matters worse, I really needed to pee. I walked down a quieter road, and hopped the fence of this one apartment. Normally I have more class but I was busting and the nearest loo would have been 20 minutes away. I managed to slip and pee all over myself. I lay there for ages just crying, but eventually picked myself up and made it back to my flat after trying to retrace my steps for an hour and asking someone for directions. I tried to sneak back into my flat, but my flatmate was up and he just looked at me and shook his head.”

16 | Giveaways

Giveaways

Win a feast from Pita Pit

All you can eat Hell Pizza

Feeling hungry? Our friends from Pita Pit in Manawatū are offering the mother of all giveaways. To go into the draw to win a free platter of Pita Pit pitas (a maximum of 10 pitas) for you and your flatties, simply send your name, and contact phone number to win@mawsa.org.nz. NOTE: Competition only available to students from Massey’s Manawatū campus.

Go to Hell. HELL Bond Street offers all you can eat pizza between 5pm and 8pm on Mondays. They are situated in a bar so there’s drink specials too.

To celebrate, we have 12 all you can eat vouchers to giveaway. To enter, send your name and contact number to win@mawsa.org.nz. NOTE: Competition only available to students from Massey’s Wellington campus.

ASB Auckland Marathon

Topshop and Topman Vouchers

We are giving away a free entry to the John West 12km Traverse! This is your chance to join in New Zealand’s biggest, most iconic, colourful, cultural running celebration, and the John West 12km Traverse is the quickest way across the bridge on two legs! To win, email your name and contact phone number to win@mawsa.org.nz. NOTE: Competition only available to students from Massey’s Albany campus.

We have a $50 Topman and a $50 Topshop gift voucher to give away thanks to our friends at Topman Topshop. To enter, simply send your name and contact details through to win@mawsa.org.nz. NOTE: Competition only available to students from Massey’s Wellington campus.

Nab a Student Card Grab a deal. We have two student cards to giveaway. Normally worth $20 these gems will score you discounted food, booze, clothes, travel and even makeup. If you want to get your hot little hands on one of these cards email your name and contact phone number through to win@mawsa.org.nz

Opinion | 17

A Pinch of Politics with Natasha Tziakis

When does modern survival become fraud? Metiria Turei, co-leader of the Green Party recently admitted to lying to WINZ about her income when she received a benefit years ago. Her lie was that her flatmates at the time were not paying rent, when in fact they were.

This lie allowed her to feed her child and herself and to stay, for the most part, warm and dry.

Turei’s admittance has caused a huge public reaction – some totally support her, and others have denounced her. Work and Income New Zealand (WINZ) were not adequately supporting her and her family, so she turned to other methods. Does this mean she was trying to survive in modern times or was she committing fraud? In my own opinion, I believe that the word ‘fraud’ connotates that the actions were carried out with malicious intent, and I do not believe this is what Turei did.

An unexpected reaction to Turei’s life experiences and the new policies were how Twitter took off. The hashtag #IAmMetiria stormed the Twitter-sphere nationwide, with everyday New Zealanders telling their stories of how receiving government benefits allowed them to better their lives. Although their stories do not discuss lying about income to gain the benefit, you could say social media has played an important role in combating the demonisation of Turei, which other people have done.

It’s very easy to sit here and judge her, but think about what you would do to ensure a roof to live under for you and your family.

The announcement of Turei’s past was made alongside the Green Party’s new policies surrounding benefits and tax. The main points were that the Green Party would increase all benefits by 20 per cent if elected, and remove punishment for failed drugs tests and lack of job-searching. The party hopes this will destroy the stigma that all beneficiaries are drug-addled and lazy.

Remember they are not all like that. They are people, just as much as you and me.

Political policies are often huge leaders in changing public opinion and helping people help themselves. The only worry about these policies around benefits and taxes is that if the Green Party get into government and do not follow through with them, they will be slammed for promising false policies for votes.

A lot of people tune out as soon as they hear the word ‘politics’, but it is something that concerns how our lives will look like in the future. Policies like those the Green Party have put forward consider raising people out of situations where they are forced to lie about income by actually raising that income. And small changes like that can have a profoundly positive impact on the rest of New Zealand society.

Morgan promises $200 to students Gareth Morgan, the leader of The Opportunities Party, has announced his Unconditional Basic Income policy. This policy would see every New Zealander aged between 18 and 23 receiving $200 per week or $10,000 per year. There would be no examination, no drug testing and no stand down periods. The way Morgan proposes to pay for this is through abolishing student allowances and by taking away the tax cuts National has promised. Morgan believes having a ‘basic income’ to cover costs would encourage young Kiwis to go out and find employment.

Student Election Time We are getting closer to our own election here at Massey. Students will have to decide on who will be their student leaders for next year. Students can nominate someone they think would be best suited for a role on the student executive. For more information, check out your student association’s website.

“...will be slammed for promising false policies for votes.”

18 | Interview

Interview | 19

Going Green

An interview with James Shaw

James Shaw is the co-leader of the Green Party and is an advocate for the environment, equality and helping those in need. He has been part of the Green Party since 2014 and become co-leader in 2015. Massive Magazine’s Natasha Tziakis had the chance to sit down with the politician ahead of this year’s election.

What is your reaction to the government’s recent budget announcement?

So, I think that it was a really political pre-election budget and their set of announcements, particularly around support for low income families is clearly a sign that they are getting worried about the fact that New Zealanders are increasingly uncomfortable about just how many people we are leaving behind.

Does the Green party have any plans to alter student allowances and living costs? How so?

I’m going to have to get back to you about that. Gareth Hughes is our tertiary advocate. I’m not sure that we have a specific number for that. Because I don’t think we have changed it since the 2014 election. So, I think that is something we would announce later on this year. We want to move back towards free tertiary education, but you have to prioritise these things. And our priority would be on accommodation and living costs, rather than on fees. Because ultimately fees can kind of kick into the future via the line. Whereas you need living costs now. And it’s been very clear that there has been a real deterioration in student hardship.

The Green Party is known for being so environmentally minded, so what are you going to do about the immediate environments that people live in?

Well, we are probably the lead party in parliament on that. So, the Home Insulation Scheme that was set up was a Green Party scheme, that has really been a huge emphasis for us. So, there is a number of things. We are the party that introduced the notion of having a warrant of fitness for property, we are the party that introduced the home insulation scheme and one of our primary concerns when we go around building new houses are that those houses get built to a higher thermal standard than they have been.

Would the Green Party consider enforcing a living wage for Kiwi workers?

Yes. Green Party has an emphasis on low-income families and lowincome people. And we have this mind-boggling welfare system in which it can take an unemployed person 40 hours a week to secure their week’s benefit. That is actually a full-time job to just stay on the unemployment benefit. So, our approach is to say that you’ve got to massively simplify the whole process and make it much more accessible for people. But the reason why you need it is because a lot of people just don’t earn enough to make ends meet. And

so, one solution is to say ‘Why are we a low-productivity wage economy?’ and if you try and fix that and lift incomes then you don’t need to spend so much money bailing people out.

So, as a bit of a light question, what was your go to student meal when you were on a tight budget?

Totally baked beans with sausages on toast is pretty standard student fare, um, when I was really poor, it was two minute noodles.

Students traditionally don’t vote. What is the Green Party going to do to engage with students?

They do vote, they just don’t vote at the same rate that older people do. Our party list (which was recently released) includes some really awesome younger people, and it’s exciting, right?

We know that social identity is the reason that people vote, for the most part. So, having younger people on the list like Jack McDonald and Chloe [Swarbrick] gives the accessibility for voters to say ‘actually, that’s someone like me’ does make a real difference.

Why does the Green Party believe that cannabis should be legalised and what would the regulations around this be?

Because if you honestly start with the idea of reducing harm, then the current prohibition set up fails to meet this test. And you have a multi-million dollar industry that is controlled entirely by gangs and we are essentially channelling through our legal system into gangs, ending up with a colossal strain on our health and justice systems. Prohibition is not working anymore. Our preference is for a regulated market model which is like, for example, tobacco and cigarettes. Then control the trade, tax it, control the advertising, you can control the price and age. And you would use the revenue from the tax to run healthcare programs to ensure that people know what they are getting into.

What is the Green Party’s stance on raising our refugee quota?

We have already signed up to double the quota and that would be one of the first things we do. We need to see this as humanitarian problem The Equal Pay Amendments Bill failed when it went through Government this year. Would the Green Party be willing to readdress this issue?

If you don’t manage it, you don’t fix it. It would have made such a difference at such little cost. If we were to get into government, we would introduce a version of this bill as government legislation, rather than a member’s bill.

20 | Feature

Lost and found

Massive Magazine’s Kasharn Rao has returned from visiting his family in India, with a story to tell about the life of a street kid.

“Suppose they put money in their pocket, at night when they go to sleep, anyone can steal money from them.”

With my one-year-old brother in a pack on my back, and the Indian sun providing sweltering embrace, I strode along the edge of the stained, mottled curb, and peered through my dusty glasses at the young man before me. Only 17 years of age, skin a rich dark shade of walnut, and the beginnings of what would hopefully one day be a fine mustache, Asif smiled widely at me and greeted me with radiant enthusiasm. He was tidy, healthy, and his grasp of English was remarkable. It was this smiling youth who was scheduled to take my family, myself, and a small handful of others on a tour of Delhi’s streets.

Asif says street children spend their money two ways.

At first glance, with his positive demeanour, you wouldn’t have been able to tell that years ago he fought to survive in a world that had left him a defenseless child, with no future. But seeing the blue Salaam Baalak Trust t-shirt proves that the future can be changed, provided someone actually stands up and tries to do so.

Heading down a narrow dirt road away from the cacophony of Delhi’s automobile infested streets, I walked beside Asif as he began to explain the life of a street kid.

“You know what reason a kid would come onto the street?

Sometimes they are orphans, or even lost at festivals. Sometimes they come from abusive or poor families.

“Not all families are happy families, they can’t care for the children like you would. Children have to survive on one meal a day, and sometimes they go to bed hungry. Sometimes no school, no play, they are forced to work all day.

“Sometimes they are powerless against alcoholic parents, violent parents, or even sexually abusive parents. The child’s mind is very tender, and cannot bear so much,” he explains.

“So they try to escape to another place. A promised land. The big city. It can be any big city where they think they have opportunities.

Could be Delhi, Mumbai, Washington, New York, any others.

“Do you think a child living away from home is easy? It is very hard.

The only thing that pushes them is their instinct to survive.

“Kids are collecting rags and things from the garbage and they sell and they get money. First they start working alone or in a group. By working they can earn around 100 rupees ($2) per day.

“The money they are earning has to be spent on the same day, because they don’t have any bank account or locker where they can save their money.

“Entertainment and drugs.

“They don’t spend money on food because in India, there are many villages and places that provide food to them, or they eat street food from the trains. Those children have very good idea of how to steal food from the trains.

“So about entertainment. The children love Bollywood movies.

And in India there is a system that every Friday there is a new film released at theatres.

“So children buy drugs and go watch the movie.

“Taking drugs is on the streets is illegal in India, and if they get caught they get beaten very badly by police.

“The movie theatre is dark and air conditioned, so they can get high easily.

“They use glue. It’s very cheap and they can buy it from any general store.

“They get drugs to take the pain away. It gives them a false sense of security and courage, so children as young as five or six are addicted to different intoxicants.”

Asif, speaking calmly as if he was talking about the weather, continued to reveal more, information that somehow managed to get worse than it already was.

“That’s mostly the boys. The girls have other reasons why they are living on the streets. Girls face immense pressure due to arranged marriage.

“Gender equality is unfortunately not yet achieved in our culture.

Girls are viewed as a burden.

“So at the time of marriage, the boy’s parents expect a certain amount of money and gifts from the girl’s family. The poor family curse their child for being born a girl. They send them from their homes.

“Some girls fall in love with a man who has no interest in taking responsibilities. So after a while these men throw away the girl.

Then with no other choice, they are forced to live on the streets.

“Brothel owners are always on the lookout for helpless girls, they also blackmail and con them.

Feature | 21

“Just down the street there is a place where 3000-5000 girls are working as prostitutes. On average, these girls are forced to serve at least five to 10 men per day.

“The money goes straight to the madame of the establishment. If the girls want money, they have to take a loan from the madame, then pay it back.”

Then, like a breath of fresh air in a pit of camels, there came some good news.

“Legally the girls must be 18, so Salaam Baalak Trust (SBT) and other organisations do search these places to take away girls who are under 18.

capable, and responsible citizens of our nation and the world.

“We set out to create a nurturing environment that can foster normal physical and mental growth of street and neglected children. To allow them to return to mainstream society and eventually contribute to its development.” -SBT Website There are multiple ways that SBT achieves what it sets out to. One way is through contact points.

Contact Points are located at railway stations and crowded places, and act as primary links to identify vulnerable children as soon as they arrive in the city.

“Salaam Baalak Trust works for the street kids. It was established in 1988, after the success of the film Salaam Bombay!”

Contact Points not only work with children ‘of the streets’ but also with children who are on the streets (living on streets with their families and surviving off begging or ragpicking).

Salaam Bombay! Is a Hindi film released in 1988 about the daily life of street kids living in Bombay (Mumbai). It was directed by Mira Nair, and won the National Film Award for Best Feature Film in Hindi, and multiple others.

Over the years, Community Contact Points have also been established in slum pockets of Delhi such as Akanksha and Mansarovar Park, where there is a large population of children at risk of becoming street children.

It tells the story of a boy called Krishna, who sets his brother’s motorbike on fire. His mother sends him to work in a circus until he has saved up enough money to repair the bike. However, while he is on an errand, the circus disappears, and he is forced to live on the streets, where he is beaten, robbed, loses his friend to prostitution, and all sorts of other horrible events. Since these events are common occurrences in the lives of street children, it’s an unbearably realistic film.

Life on the streets generally renders children aggressive and emotionally frail, due to lack of care and protection. Contact Point teams fill this void with their warmth and sensitivity. After a medical

Mira Nair put the proceeds of the film towards forming Salaam Baalak Trust.

“Twenty-nine years ago, we started with 25 children and three staff members. Now we have 8000 children and 200 staff.

“We provide shelter, education, and social security for the children, and we do activities with them.

“We rescued over 900 children last year.”

Over the years, Salaam Baalak Trust has successfully worked with over 72,000 children and many have been returned to their families.

They have two children who have completed their engineering and one boy who is currently pursuing engineering, three who have completed their Masters in Arts programme, seven who have won scholarships for advanced programmes to American Universities, 30 in an Australian affiliated University, and many more who are pursuing their academic career in schools and colleges across India.

The overriding goal is to help children develop into informed,

“Gender equality is

unfortunately not yet achieved in our culture.”

check-up and medical aid when needed, the team attempts to trace the child’s family and understand his/her history.

Returning the child to the family is always the first choice, but sometimes it’s impossible, or not in the child’s best interest, when the child is likely to be abused, exploited, or neglected at home.

In such cases, the child is encouraged to join a full-care residential centre after being referred to a Child Welfare Committee (CWC).

Children living on streets with families and at-risk children are motivated to become regular visitors at Contact Points through a peer education program and the dedicated efforts of Contact Point teams.

The team members build a strong bond with these children by

22 | Feature

lending them a patient hearing which gives them a feeling that someone cares for them and has the time to listen to their stories.

Education and play become major pullers for children to sustain their involvement at Contact Points. Oblivious to the perils of crime, sexual abuse and economic exploitation, hundreds of children leave their homes in the quest for a better life. With a firm belief that a threatening environment seriously impairs a child’s freedom of expression and capabilities, SBT’s full-care-residential-centres intend to fill this cavity by providing children a secure, caring and nurturing environment. A safe place to sleep, a space for personal belongings, regular healthy food, study, play, and most importantly the feeling that “I am protected and no one will harm me.”

to beat a stranger at least three times their age in a hand clapping game.

Regular medical check-ups of the children are done at the Full Care Residential Centres and Contact Points. Individual health cards are maintained for each child. Whenever required, pathological tests are conducted as per the recommendation of the doctors.

Asif has a maths exam in October, and after he finishes school, he would like to study English Honours, and eventually become a teacher.

SBT also invites external doctors or get the children treated by specialists at hospitals. Children are regularly vaccinated against hepatitis-B and tetanus.

There also happens to be rehabilitation programs, to aid the children in overcoming their addictions to harmful substances.

“What does the name Salaam Baalak mean?” asked a gentleman with long dreadlocks. Asif smiled again, pleased at the interest.

“Salaam is an Arabic word which means, ‘hi, hello, or salute.’ Baalak is a Hindi word which means ‘child’. So together it means ‘hello child’ or ‘salute the child.’”

Much later in the tour, feeling very dehydrated but thoughtful, we arrived at Aasra (a word that means ‘support’ in Hindi), the nearest residential centre. We were brought upstairs to meet the children living there. Some had foetal alcohol syndrome, others had mental disabilities, and all had been through hell, yet there was one thing that all these kids had.

A smile.

I’d never seen happier kids, I sat down and practised my Hindi, asking many of them what their names were, and how they were doing.

I started a very intense hand clapping game with Karan, a small boy with dark eyes, and couldn’t help but feel that even though I was playing a children’s game, I was playing it with an adult. Most of these kids, aged between four and 13 had undergone a trial by fire, owned nothing, faced the ultimate threat of possessing no future, and somehow managed to crawl through all of that and still be able

Asif himself once thought he had no future. When he was four years old, his mother left. His father would take care of him, until he died of tuberculosis when Asif was six.

“I was all alone. I cried lots, unsure where I would go. I managed to get a ride to Delhi, thinking I could find something there.”

Asif spent the next eight years fending for himself, fighting to survive, until SBT found him, and helped him recover, kept him safe, and gave him an education and a part time job as a tour guide.

The best thing about this plan is that it is possible. Where once the future seemed locked into a nightmare state, a pair of hands has molded it into a free pathway.

“...aid[s] the children in overcoming their addictions to harmful substances..”

The future will never be set in stone so long as heroes are willing to stand up and fight to break the bonds that crush those who suffer such misfortune into submitting to a relentlessly dismal existence.

You are capable, not only of shaping your own destiny, but those of others. What seems like a minuscule, insignificant difference can prove to be a vast power when combined with the movement of other willing people across the globe, a vast power that could shift the tides of someone’s entire future, and unearth an orchard of opportunities.

“Salaam Baalak Trust aims to provide a sensitive and caring environment to street & working children and other children on the margins of society. It seeks to dissolve the barriers that rob children of the opportunity to realize their rights.” -SBT Website Visit the SBT website at www.salaambaalaktrust.com to learn more about the organisation and how it works, read stories of former street kids, and learn how you could be a force for change in someone’s life.

Artist Feature | 23

Artist Feature:

Sam Stephens

Samantha Stephens studies Visual Communication Design with a focus around illustration at Massey’s Wellington campus.

Stephens has just returned from a trip to the United States where she travelled from New York down to Sunset Beach for a family reunion. As part of the trip she got to see some of the amazing art the Big Apple has to offer.

What inspires you?

The colour yellow, traveling, political unrest, women, my beautiful friends and my mother.

What is your aesthetic?

Animal-friendly, rainbow-covered public transport.

What was a turning point in your life as an artist?

Right now, going to The Metropolitan Museum of Art, The Museum of Modern Art, The Guggenheim, North Carolina Museum of Art and The Museum of Art and Design. I studied these amazing artists in high school and these first couple years at Massey and seeing the works in person has rekindled my fire. Making art and design for class is hard because I love to make things, it’s all I can do. But it becomes a chore and making things outside of class makes me feel guilty that I’m not doing homework. Seeing the immense bodies of work created by Renoir, Kiki Smith and Mondrian has reminded me that there is time for me to achieve everything I want to.

“Art documents our past and imagines the future, as well as expressing the moment... ”

Who is your favourite artist?

As an artist what is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

Ania Gareeva. She is an Australian artist inspired by Russian and Japanese art, making prints and painting. Her Tumblr is inkyhaus, check it out.

What is the centrefold piece about?

Do you think art can make a difference in the world?

Art documents our past and imagines the future, as well as expressing the moment we are in right now. Photography captured of the Black Lives Matter protests are some of the most charged pieces of art in Western movements. These works can change the world.

What do you see in your future as an artist?

I have literally no clue at the moment other than I need to paint more. I think traveling at the end of this degree will point me towards my future more.

If you could invite five people to dinner, dead or alive, who would they be?

Well the meal would be vegan so I’d invite Bill Clinton, Ellen Page, Ariana Grande, Woody Harrelson and Wacka Flocka.

Keep practising.

I saw that this issue is about alcohol so I thought I’d base it on my recent experiences. I had my drink spiked at a party and it really messed with my head. I had never started to lose vision from two drinks before and so I noticed something was wrong and took an Uber home. My friends looked after me the rest of the night. I love going and having a good night out. But there are people out there that are either malicious or do not understand the consequences of their actions. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of the punch everyone is drinking. So this piece is about the gamble you take; you could have a great night, you could have a bad one, you could bring home a lemon.

Find out more: @samanthartist

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26 | Opinion

Otago Students Association leading the way for student democracy

By Carwyn Walsh Imagine going through a family album, flicking through page after page of happy memories and occasions. Now imagine that in many of those photos your grandad’s ballbag is inadvertently hanging out the side of his slacks. Christmas lunch in 2014 is never going to be remembered for Auntie Pamela’s famous potato salad. Your takeaway memory from your cousin Jason’s 21st? You guessed right. grandad’s wrinkled – surprisingly large – ballbag, sitting, without a care in the world, right there next to his digestive biscuit. Pretty soon your entire family cannot be thought of without a flash of your grandad’s testicle going through your mind.

And so it goes with reporting on student politics. Just replace Grandad’s sack with the ever-present takeaway I had from covering New Zealand’s student politics for the best part of two years: apathy. Apathy or a lack of engagement from students with their own associations was impossible not to notice. Whether in pizzas outnumbering students at association AGMs or appallingly low turnout at elections, apathy could be found inhabiting nooks and crannies across the student body politic.

No scene from my time covering student politics better exemplified this apathy than one I walked in on in late 2015. While covering Massey Palmerston North’s student association (MUSA) election, I was invited to interview the candidates standing. Four smiling students sat in the room, all of whom I surmised were running for president. To my embarrassment, I soon discovered that these four students were the only four that had come forward to stand for the five positions on the MUSA executive. Four individuals had put their names down to stand for five paying positions on an executive representing over 6000 students!

Voter turnout at these elections illuminates the lack of regard the majority of students have for the very organisations tasked with representing their needs. Only 318 Massey Palmerston North students –a touch under five per cent of eligible voters – cast a favourable vote in deciding who would be their student president last year. Believe it not, this was actually an improvement from recent years – in 2015, 163 Palmerston North students voted for their president, up from just 98 the previous year.

Voter apathy is not just an issue MUSA face alone. In the Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA) election of 2014, just 102 voters took part in electing their student president. Last year was the first in many in which MAWSA had a candidate standing in every position on their executive. Covering engagement with

Massey University’s four student association elections was not difficult. It was just a simple matter of knowing the ins and outs of copy and paste.

A lack of engagement is an issue that everyone I came across in student politics is both well aware of and concerned over. A whole host of external factors – acceptable positions – are usually trundled out to excuse away lack of engagement. Voluntary Student Membership – a Bill that passed in 2012 – and students’ lifestyle demands are the two stock standards. I’ve even heard the economic reforms introduced by Labour in the early 1980s used as the fall guy for lack of voter turnout in student elections well into the 21st century! Everyone who is anyone in student politics has their own answers to overcome the insouciance of their own student voters. The two major reforms that I suggest students’ associations should introduce would be: - Introducing greater democracy into the running of your association - Having a good, hard and long fucking look in the mirror Having more elections might seem like a strange solution to voter apathy, especially when you consider the lack of general interest most students have in the annual students’ association elections.

However, when you examine the annual elections held at Massey University, there isn’t much for students to get excited about. For the most part, the electoral candidates run unopposed, do not advertise in a meaningful way what they stand for (if they even bother advertising in the first place), and generally stand on rather tame postures about loving their fellow students and wanting to be a strong voice for them.

The Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) is a shining example of giving their students something meaningful to vote for.

OUSA recently gave its students the opportunity to vote in a multipoint referendum that covered a whole range of positions their own association should take, ranging from its day-to-day functions to much broader questions, such as: “Should OUSA support a change of government at the 2017 general election?”

OUSA’s dance with democracy is nothing new, having run similar referendums – according to its website – as far back as 2015. Otago students’ participation in, not just these referendums but executive elections, dwarfs by some distance the paltry turnout seen in the

Opinion | 27

annual executive elections held by Massey University’s four student associations. Furthermore, all the trends in OUSA’s democratic experiment point to something not too often seen in student politics across the entire country: a tangible surge in student engagement. In 2015, the greatest turnout of Otago students in a single referendum question was 958. By 2017, this number had risen drastically to 3840 students – roughly a quarter of eligible Otago University students.

In New Zealand’s student politics scene these are not numbers to be sniffed at. Any Massey University student president would bite the nipples off of any idea that would see a quarter of the students they represent engaging with them on any single issue. It stands to reason that they should actually go about creating the kind of election wherein their students get to vote on a multitude of issues other than who their leaders are.

Greater democracy will also benefit these very leaders by giving them a clearer gauge on where their own students stand on issues, both internal problems on their own campuses and wider issues that affect students nationwide. It will also provide them with something they sorely lack: an actual mandate to take to the university on issues. ‘98 per cent of surveyed students on this campus think they are paying too much to use car parks’ sounds a lot better than ‘Cletus and Drover have approached us with concerns about what they have to pay to park their Hilux outside Agriculture 101’.

Another plus of having a consistent understanding of where your students stand is helping in the transitions student executives face on a near annual basis. Few student leaders hang around for more than one, let alone two annual terms, meaning those that come into leadership roles can be pretty green. Without knowing where the general student population stand on issues – other than the small minority that voted for them ‘to be a strong voice for students’ – leads many to either lean on the national body – The New Zealand Union of Students’ Association (more on these jokers later) – for training or just wing it entirely and take it upon themselves to decide what is in the best interest of the student body they represent.

There is no doubt that trying to represent all students’ views is near impossible. Having a basic understanding of what positions the majority would like to see their association take would surely be a good starting point for any new student leader grappling with their new found responsibilities. Surely there’s no training needed when

newly-elected student leaders know from day one what issues are going to be popular ones to pursue?

Opening the floor to students once a year on what they care about at AGMs they physically have to attend, especially in our modern world in which students should be able to vote online at their leisure, is below piss poor. When it comes to offering online referendums, students’ associations cannot plead economic suffering either. How hard is to tack on, say, ten extra questions every year when you hold your elections? It’s hardly going to break the bank. Incidentally, OUSA’s AGMs are still suffering from having more pizza boxes than students, but crucially, their student leaders have at least gone to the effort to engage their students online – and know exactly where thousands of them stand.

Looking outwards at where students on their campuses stand on issues lends itself well to the next task I would suggest students’ associations take on: inwardly taking a good, hard, long fucking look in the mirror. There is a perception many students have about their students’ associations: that they are little more than elite clubs for looney lefties waiting for the day that they can trade in their Roman sandals for an opportunity to jostle for a place on the Labour Party list. Having mingled with the glitterati of Massey University student politics for two years, I can say that this perception is pretty unfair. The vast majority of student leaders I met were some of the nicest people I’ve ever come across, and although a lot probably lean to the left of the political spectrum – some harder than others – there is only one that I can actually remember having any interest in pursuing politics as a career after university.

Having said that, perceptions are important. Elitism is something that associations were called out for by former MAWSA President Tom Pringle in an open letter he penned to New Zealand students in 2016. Pringle argued that students’ associations had missed an opportunity after the passing of VSM to become truly representative of the general student population, and instead had become even more of an echo chamber for a select few leftist opinions. He blamed this culture squarely on the NZUSA, an organisation MAWSA has a proud history (take note, current executive) of resisting that predated Pringle’s time as president. As I’ve said, I don’t think it’s entirely fair to suggest Massey University’s associations are wholly stocked by elitist leftists, but the charge made by Pringle against the NZUSA holds a lot of water.

28 | Feature

Feature | 29

Ditch the bottle and have fun sober

Written and Illustrated by Phoebe Holden Me: What do you think would be better to do on a Saturday night rather than get drunk and go out?

William (age 12): Well I dunno…. Isn’t drinking alcohol what you’re supposed to do on a Saturday?

It’s no secret the New Zealand drinking culture is out of control, whether it’s a 21-year-old guy on one knee downing a yardie, a 15-year-old girl stumbling around with a cruiser or a group of freshers from Dunedin taking turns vomiting in one another’s mouths, we certainly can drink.

Each year it seems the age of kids throwing parties gets younger and younger, no longer is partying something that begins at University. Like ‘the good old days’ drinking is like doing an after school activity “You going to Ryan’s this weekend?”

“Yeah are you?”

“Yeah, what you drinking?”

“I dunno, diesels prob” “Cool, same” “Cool” As the millennials that are supposed to be – ending global warming, destroying Trump and fighting for equal rights – I feel like we could be doing something a little more productive than downing a goon before noon, in case you weren’t aware that it is in fact OK to not be drunk on a Saturday – here’s a list of possible alternatives, just to make that wild proposal even easier.

Go out DUN DUN DUN sober……lets ease you into this to start - if going out is the undying love of your life, have a go at doing it alcohol free! That cringe saying our parents are constantly breathing down our necks is in fact true (just don’t tell them that) you DON’T need alcohol to have fun; boof a Poweraid and hit the dance floor, have all the benefits of a night out without the hangover.

Netflix and chill, hit the dairy and leave with as many snacks as your hands (and bank account) allow, park up on the couch and catch up on all those episodes you haven’t had time to watch because of class but watched them anyway, but didn’t actually because your “I can multi task” claim was (as you know) bullshit.

Treat yo self use all that money that’s aside for a box and splash out on a dinner that isn’t noodle canteen.

Shred for RNV, go for a run or hit the gym, think about that summer bod and all the calories you’ll save with a sober weekend – Kayla Itsinesfbskj (or whatever the hell her name is) would be proud.

Swipe right download Tinder (you and I both know its already on your home screen) and go on a blind date, score a good dinner and meet someone new, even if it goes horribly wrong at least you can drink to “never have I ever been on a Tinder date” next weekend.

– There’s a little inspiration for alternative ways to spend a Saturday night that don’t result in a loss of hydration and dignity, make the most of your tertiary years but try to remember it’s OK to chill too. Peer pressure sucks and hangovers are even worse, drink responsibly and look after your mates.

30 | Feature

Modern Miss Lonelyhearts

As each of us stumble through the absurdity of looking for love, we find ourselves asking a lot of questions. But it would seem that one thing, above all else, comes up time and time again.

That being, the age-old ponderance: how do you get over your ex?

I’d like to have a little bit of fun with this today. I’ll be hiding some good advice in a sea of shockingly bad advice. It’s your job - yes, you - to fish it out, with your deductive reasoning skills. Or lack thereof. We’ll soon find out, I guess!

The Lookalike You don’t even have to get over your ex, you just find someone who looks like them. Right away. It’ll be like the breakup never happened - I promise. Act fast!

The Tissue Tester Go to the store and buy one box of every kind of tissue paper, so you can see which is the best to cry into. Once you’ve made your decision, why not write a letter to the company, just thanking them.

So much.

Family Ties You’re going to want to date someone in their family. Somebody high up. I’m talking like a dad, the more attractive sibling, a successful cousin. Get creative with it. Hey, scoff all you want - this is definitely the most effective way to get them back into your life.

The 80s Film Approach Put on your brightest coloured outfit and sunglasses. Go get yourself one of those chunky boom boxes. Go to your uncle’s house, the one with the nice car. Offer to clean his gutters so he’ll let you borrow it. Go to your ex’s house. Drive right up on the front lawn. Put the boom box on the ground (or up on your shoulder, Sean Kingston style - whatever feels right). Hit play.

What’s that? Yeah, it’s Drake. Not just one song either - it’s a mix, switching from emotional hard-hitters to straight bangers with every base drop. Meanwhile, you’re just standing their with your fluorescent swimming shorts, your glasses and your uncle’s car behind you like: *leans back, hands in the air, grin on your face, head nodding ever so slightly*

“You don’t even have to get over your ex, you just find someone who looks like them.”

Your house could be painted blue or gold Keep in mind that you have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow. You think you have a pretty good idea, and that’s about the best you can do. For example, in five years, your best friend could be a totally different person. Your house could be painted a totally different colour - like blue, or gold. The point is, new things, good things, are happening all the time as long as you’re open to it. Actually, more accurately, they happen all the time. You just need to be paying attention.

Groundbreaking news: You tend not to do that when you’re ten feet deep, in a stack of various brands of tissues, and self-loathing.

If you really want to get over your ex, check this out: Things are going to get better, and you have no idea how. That’s okay.

Faking It Pretend that you’re having the time of your life in pictures that you put on every possible form of social media. That’ll show ‘em! *sigh* Good luck out there, everyone.

Join Massive’s own agony aunt, as she dissects the peaks and pitfalls of dating in a millennial world.

| 31

homegrown 32 | giveaway me to do 3 double

Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students. This year we need even more student contributors to fill our pages.

If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch. We’re keen as. editor@mawsa.org.nz massive@mawsa.org.nz

Creative Writing | 33

My nest

Until we meet again

- Kat Fankhauser

- Ruth Bateson

I sit on my nest

I’d like to say, until we meet again

of twigs and moss

who knows what could have been

among the kowhai trees.

the moment we were introduced you

I have two eggs

recognised in me the cognate travel dust

waiting to hatch.

you called me as one like your own.

Last spring I had three.

I wasn’t so sure until I asked

Sadly rats, cats and stoats

‘so where is home for you?’ and

like feasting on my eggs.

you gave me my address- the secret code

I’m the prettiest bird,

nowhere

in all of Aotearoa.

Of course I have heard those words before

My coat (not a rain coat)

spoken in code but not in secret

is blackish green with varying

never spoken in weariness like yours

shades of blue,

never so believably resigned.

that sparkle in the sunlight.

Our faces are insignificant and

It looks like I wear a bowtie,

we smudge nicely into anonymity

because there are two little

ridiculously hoping for a smudged

white feathers tucked under my chin.

soul, or at least somedays

I sing very sweetly,

normality

like a bellbird.

Of course I could have misread you

Sometimes I combine

but I have learned not to be ashamed of

bell like jingles with

overreaching my artistic licence

barking, wheezing and cackling

my mind isn’t my safe place but

just like other birds.

you too have the secret code to

This often confuses humans.

the vault reserved for lost species

Tui like me,

where we are mostly scared of the words

love the nectar

goodbye, until we meet again

from the kotukutuku, kowhai, puriri, rewarewa, rata, flax, and pohutakawa trees.

Sometimes I suck on the honey dew of black beech too.

To find me follow my beautiful voice singing you your own personal tune.

34 | Opinion

The best and worst of international rugby: The Yarns from Pitch Five

Massive’s resident sports jockey, Adam Pearse, tackles the sporting quandaries of our time with the skill of Saville, the daring of Devillin, and the vibrancy of Veitchy (forgetting his history with stairways). From cricket to croquet and everything in between, these are the Yarns from Pitch Five.

Let me take you back to that moment. The moment when scores were tied and the game was on a knife edge. All that was needed was one moment of brilliance, one piece of magic. However, in the most unprecedented turn of events, the ball is bundled out over the touchline and the game is over. What came next for four and a half million New Zealanders was probably that strangest feeling ever felt after an All Blacks match; total, utter confusion. The whole thing just felt empty. It almost didn’t seem real. As Monsieur Poite blew the final whistle, I remember thinking; ‘Well that can’t be the end? Surely not’.

But alas, after years of preparation, weeks of hype from the media, hours of banter between Shag and the Queen’s favourite Jester, all we get is a fucking draw. Dear Christ. I would call it the biggest let-down if international sport if I hadn’t been privy to the 2015 Cricket World Cup and the 2007 Rugby World Cup quarter-final but this debacle sure ranks highly among sport’s best deliveries of a shit sandwich. Now, if I was able to let go my bitter disappointment, I might have said that this was the greatest exponent of world rugby we have ever seen, that an atmosphere was created by traveling fans, the like of which New Zealand has never seen before, and that a cutthroat and cunning Lions team risked toppling the best team in the world by using their own tactics against them and reminding us how powerful Northern Hemisphere Rugby actually is. However, I’m a one-eyed All Blacks supporter who still feel the idea of a draw to be as palatable as haggis that’s been left out in a Scottish winter.

The only thing stopping me from needing mental health advice from John Kirwan is that fact that the result was probably fair. Out of three tests, the Lions, lost, won, and drew. Out of five Super Rugby opponents, they won two, lost two, and drew one. Throw in a Barbarians game that could have gone either way and you’ve got

yourself a fair dinkum split series. Against the Super sides, the Lions brought with them a swagger rarely seen in European teams that nullified any advantage the New Zealand teams held. Against the All Blacks, a combination of incredible line speed, ruthless defence, and a good chunk of bloody team spirit led to what was almost the upset of the decade. This was the first time I had ever seen an All Black team so unsure of themselves. Their nerves got the better of them as they couldn’t add that signature finishing touch the All Blacks have become so used to doing. This was because the Lions brought with them something that no Southern Hemisphere team has brought in years; belief that they can beat the All Blacks. And with as big of a touring party as the Lions had, why wouldn’t you believe you can beat the best in the world. When was the last time the home captain received less applause than the away captain, let alone it being an overseas tour and the All Blacks? It’s absolutely unheard of.

“All that was needed was one moment of brilliance, one piece of magic.”

All in all, I’d say we were lucky to escape the Lion’s den. Enveloped by a sea of red, our boys were able to hold it together and give the public a hell of series that left us feeling not happy but still bloody relieved we didn’t lose to those posh wankers. However, today’s rugby fans will not forget the contest that has occurred and by the time 2029 rolls around, the competition will be as fierce as ever. I just hope by then we’ve clarified whether an offside is accidental or not because I refuse to be fucked over by that again.

Opinion | 35

Mum’s the Word:

Whine o’clock

Being a non-drinker at any kind of social function is often a strange encounter. When I turn down alcoholic drinks, confused looks immediately cross everyone’s face. Being a woman, of child-bearing age, you already know what the first question will be.

“No, I’m not pregnant.”

“No, I’m not breastfeeding. My son is nine.”

“No, I’m not operating heavy machinery tonight or driving.”

When those natural conclusions have been ruled out, a bizarre string of questions are normally thrown in my direction.

“No, I’m not doing Dry July. I’m also not Mormon or giving it up for Lent. I’m not a recovering alcoholic or taking anti-depressants, I just don’t drink alcohol.”

As the realisation washes across everyone’s baffled faces, I realise that being a teetotaller is a bit of a social anomaly, especially among mothers (study ones at that!).

If I didn’t feel the isolation at social gatherings, I certainly would on social media. My Facebook feed is constantly full of hashtags such as #wineoclock and #drinking and it seems like every day brings a new meme celebrating booze in some form or another. Despite the hard-hitting campaigns to reduce the drinking culture in New Zealand, the reality is, those who choose to abstain from alcohol

“...it’s hard to avoid the sense that I’m somewhat of a social pariah for my choice.”

are still in the minority – and apparently, a boring one. I can’t count the amount of times I have been told that I must be very serious and not know how to have fun. I’d like to take this moment to point out that some cool, famous people also abstained from alcohol: Buzz Aldron, Malcolm X and Abraham Lincoln to name a few. Were they boring? Maybe, but they also got shit done.

Though I don’t drink myself, a lot of parents do, and I can certainly see why it’s a popular way for study mummies to relax and unwind.

Parenting can be a nightmarish cocktail of sleep deprivation, social isolation, anxiety and mess. Throw in university study and you may as well order your strait jacket now.

Children turn your whole life (and house) upside down so it’s no wonder that mums who brave the hallowed halls of the ivory tower take a minute to unwind with a glass at the end of a long day. When the kids are finally asleep, the kitchen is clean, your essay has been submitted and the television is all yours, there will be the wine, calling out to you like a love song. Alcohol is known for relieving stress and it’s fast, cheap and easily accessible – for around $2 a glass the endless Groundhog Day cycle of parenting can be made just that little bit easier. Of course, there are also benefits to drinking alcohol (or so I am told). It can reduce the chance of having a heart attack (always good if you have children relying on you), the more you drink the cleaner your house will look and it enhances your mood – taking you from Momster to Happy Mama.

I wasn’t always alcohol free. When I was a teenager I drank – though not to a huge extent. Despite being happy not having drank in eight years, it’s hard to avoid the sense that I’m somewhat of a social pariah for my choice. So, for now, I will have to accept that people see me as a buzzkill, and take comfort in the fact that I never have to suffer self-inflicted illness on a Sunday morning, or have to organise a ride home when I’ve had too much. I also save money when I go out to eat (Diet Coke is around three bucks) and have plenty of room for the important stuff.

Yes…I’m talking about coffee.

Trust me. It’s the drink of the gods.

36 | Humour

Dilemma Doctor

DISCLAIMER: Although the Dilemma Doctor has your very best interests in heart please keep in mind he is no expert.

If you are after serious advice, please consult a professional.

Humour | 37

Since real life doctors are expensive, sometimes it pays to take the advice of more ‘alternative’ practices. Bring your problems, not your apples, and the Dilemma Doctor will prescribe you some terrible advice. Whether you take it or not is up to you, but always know the Doctor has your best interests at heart, even if he does hold a questionable MD.

Dear Doctor, I have recently discovered that I have a third cousin back in Gore and my parents want me to go and meet him. The only thing is that I have heard he is a bit of a loose unit and goes fucking hard on the piss and I have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life; I stick to prescription pills. I am a sucker for peer pressure and would hate for my cousin to make me do something that I don’t want to do, but at the same time I should really go and see him. What should I do?

Pinging Pete Well Pete, here’s a prescription for you, a new pill called ‘sort your shit out son’. A new cousin, that’s awesome, the fact he is loose as hell and gets pissed a lot, that’s an even better reason to go visit him! Here’s my advice, go down to Gore, meet up with him and get on the piss, (ditch the pills, nobody needs that shit in their life). Have a beer, if you’re lucky your cousin might take you out to Cooper’s. Alcohol is great for taking away the awkwardness and you and your cousin can have a right naughty time down south. Good luck!

Dear Doctor, I spend most of my weekends getting absolutely plastered with a bottle of Glenfiddich, watching replays of The Voice Australia. However some weekends I have to go out to various events, such as birthdays, parties and meetings. The thing is, I simply can’t be arsed going to these things and would rather just do me. I think I have a bit of a problem with relating to people who just can’t get as lashed as I do. I wish I could just tell my friends and colleagues to fuck off you know, but I don’t want to become lonely with nobody to talk to. What on earth should I do?

Singing Steven Steven, the only way to get past your situation is to bring the parties and meetings to your lounge! Personally I would love to go to one of your parties where the key feature is The Voice on the big projector screen and with everyone getting right naughty with the litres upon litres of flowing Glenfiddich.

Dear Doctor, the other day was my birthday and holy hell was it one to remember, and yeah I really mean that by, I don’t remember anything that happened! At uni the next Monday, I saw something that challenged me, there was a picture of me doing a frozen chook (getting naked and curling into a chicken shape), in a tulip field… and you wouldn’t believe who else was in the photo, it was my grandma and she was doing one too! Holy shit, I knew that she

loved the odd glass of Lindauer but surely she didn’t get as sloshed as me? Doctor what do I do, my grandma can drink me under the table?!

Tulip Loving Terrance Terrance, don’t you remember? I was at your party, it was lit, so much froth everywhere! Your grandma did drink you under the table, but that is nothing to be ashamed of. She was on a bender that night because it was her first weekend back from being in a rest home. You were pissed off three cruisers and a shot of orange liqueur, like that’s a pretty poor effort so my prescription is a bottle of Bacardi 151 and I want you to neck it over the next few weekends, it’ll put you on a level that not even your grandma will find. Good luck homie.

Dear Doctor, the other night I flew home from my overseas trip to France, back there I was getting naughty on the local wines and consuming the cheese on the daily. Now that I am back in my shitty South Auckland flat, I am embezzled with anxiety. I don’t know what to do without the French piss flowing through my veins, New Zealand wine is just so bad compared to it. What should I do?

Worried Wallace Hey Wallace, great to hear from you! Unfortunately I do not know too much about France and it’s cuisine. But I guess you could try an alternative way of curing your anxiety through smashing back a couple of slats of double browns and get furiously naughty with a bunch of Mormons. This will cleanse your insides and open you up to a new life without the need for French wine.

Dear Doctor, I have a slight tendency to get on the piss with my mate Dave. Mum says Dave is a bad influence on me but I think she is completely wrong. When I’m with Dave it is a right good time and usually nothing bad happens, aside from what happened on the weekend.. We ended up at the Casino and I am now broke and can’t afford to pay rent, or afford my darts. What the hell should I do?

Gambling Grant Hiya Grant. Sounds as though you need some help! Firstly I think that you should confront your mate Dave and have a yarn about what happened? I know it’s all good hanging with your bro, however if you are running into a bit of mischief to the fact that your loosing your house, you need to start to put yourself first! Hit up mum for some cash to get you restarted and get a job, you’ll be up on your feet in no time!

38 | Creative Writing

The man opened the door. To his surprise, a giant peanut with legs jumped out. It was not wearing a top hat but it had a rather large cane and a brief case, and he said, “I’m assaulted peanut.” He pulled out a sword and lit its cold edge and said, “show me the kitchen”. Meanwhile on Pluto a peanut named Bob was fighting a mysterious alien who was planning the end of the Swedish government by promoting non-top burpees as punishment. Suddenly the alien burst into dance, he could not stop dancing. But he was so hungry for the flesh of the Plutonian salted peanuts that he burst into song about it. For so long his dreams were consumed by those peanuts. Those god damn peanuts.

They haunted every sleeping moment, filling the air with their salty whispers.

In the morning there were a pile of peanuts underneath his sheets.

A Peanut was assaulted - Contributed by Massey Students

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40 | Culture with Paul Berrington

At the Movies: Our Picks Baby Driver (2017): More than just an action film filled to the gills with stunts, Edgar Wright’s latest is an all-out thrill ride that features choreographed car chases, a believable romance, and a kick ass turn from Kevin Spacey. Essential viewing.

Wonder Woman (2017): Better than the new Transformers shocker and the new Spiderman film, this smart and action-packed movie is one of the best blockbusters of the year. If you haven’t seen it yet, grab some popcorn and get comfy.

War of the Planet of the Apes (2017) Director: Matt Reeves

Starring: Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Amiah Miller, Steve Zahn

4/5

My Cousin Rachel (2017): Based on the novel by Daphne du Maurier, this dark tale of passion and revenge features a fantastic performance from Rachel Weisz, whose endearing charms may just hide a far darker character.

The Big Sick (2017): Billed by some critics as the rom-com of the decade, this film tells the true story of Pakistan-born comedian Kumail who connects with grad student Emily after one of his stand-up sets, their relationship surprising not only themselves but their extended families.

Dunkirk (2017): Can it live up to the hype? One thing is for certain, Christopher Nolan’s recreation of this famous WWII evacuation of allied troops will be impressively epic in scale.

In a climate where the demands of blockbuster film-making often reduce storytelling to a mere afterthought, War of the Planet of the Apes delivers on two fronts, with spectacular visual effects matched to a fittingly evocative finale to this outstanding series.

A war is raging between apes and humans, and just two years after the events of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his clan face an extremely fundamentalist foe in the Alpha-Omega militia. Further complicating matters is the fact several apes have betrayed Caesar, preferring to fight alongside Alpha-Omega and their fanatical leader Colonel McCullough (an excellent Woody Harrelson). The pacifist in Caesar tells him this is not a fight anyone can truly win, yet when his plans to relocate his clan are interrupted by an attack from Alpha-Omega, he knows he must confront Colonel McCullough at any cost. As Caesar, and his closest allies head for the ‘Border’, their journey is further complicated by Nova (Amiah Miller), a human war orphan who is also mute. As secrets about the virus affecting both apes and humans in very different ways are slowly revealed, an inevitable climax that will decide the fate of both species is delivered in a thrilling final act.

Classic Film:

Dawn of the Dead (1978) If George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead set the blueprint for zombie films, then his own follow-up, the brilliant Dawn of the Dead can be seen as the benchmark for all that followed.

Brilliantly conceived by director Matt Reeves and the team at Weta, War of the Planet of the Apes is a truly gripping war movie with a plot borrowed from the likes of John Ford’s classic western The Searchers. Without revealing anymore of this smart update, an incredibly grim middle act packs an emotional punch, matched by visuals – both real and created – that recall the wintery hell presented in The Revenant.

In a near apocalyptic landscape, society has crumbled, the dead now rule the earth, and a handful of survivors are struggling to stay alive. Two National Guardsman join forces during the chaos, and along with two TV station workers escape in a helicopter, settling in a giant suburban shopping mall.

With breathtaking action sequences matched to equally arresting science fiction, War of the Planet of the Apes is a fitting conclusion to one of the best trilogies of recent times. While not without its flaws, here is a film that much like its predecessors, is richly detailed enough to get better with age. A rollercoaster ride with a heart constantly pumping beneath its slick surface.

Securing their new premises, the quartet live a life of relative luxury, until inevitably not only the zombies, but what’s left of mankind rear their ugly heads, leading to a gripping finale of truly majestic scale.

Culture with Paul Berrington | 41

TV Streaming: GLOW It’s the mid-80s and a group of women – some failed actors, others simply looking for a foot in the door, are hired for a new television series offering campy wrestling and bad skits. Working under the guidance of sleazy Hollywood director Sam Sylvia (Marc Maron), the girls are a mismatched bunch, shaped into stereotypical goodies and baddies such as the She Wolf, Beirut the Mad Bomber, Liberty Belle and Vicky the Viking. Given just weeks to get the show together, they’re forced into a boot camp, where personalities clash, friendships develop, and the laughs keep on coming.

The show centres on Ruth Wilder (Alison Brie), a struggling actress whose own bad life choices and grating personality, hardly make her the most adoring personality. Trying way too hard, and seemingly oblivious to her woes, Ruth just keeps stepping in it. It doesn’t help that she’s known as a home wrecker, and that Debbie Eagan – the woman she’s scorned, has become the star of the show.

Based on the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling TV series that aired in the US from 1986-89, and inspired by a 2012 documentary

from Brett Whitcomb, GLOW is filled with eccentric characters and some brilliant gags, while its recreation of the 80s is nothing short of exceptional. Created by Liz Flahive and Carly Mensch, and produced by Jenji Cohen, the tone sits somewhere between the latter’s Weeds and Orange is the New Black. We might laugh along at these eccentric characters, but never once do we dismiss them. A tremendous cast does the playful script justice, and Brie’s performance alone must easily see her nominated come awards season.

Music: Our Recommendations

Grayson Gilmour– Otherness (Flying Nun)

Floating Points - Reflections - Mojave Desert (Luaka Bop/Pluto)

Jay-Z – 4:44 (Roc Nation/UMG)

The ever prolific output of Grayson Gilmour continues with this wonderful new album, the gorgeously sculpted electronic folk songs on Otherness are as good as anything he’s done before, and the consistency across the 10 tracks shows an artist more inspired than ever as he heads into his thirties. Layering found sound, shimmering pads, acoustic instruments and his own haunting vocals into the mix, there’s a beautifully laidback quality to Grayson’s recordings, an effect that disguises the intricacy and effort that’s gone into Otherness. All in all this is another phenomenal album from one of New Zealand’s most understated but brilliant musicians.

A step away from his more beat focused solo output, and the smart soulful electronic brand delivered by his imprint Eglo Records, Reflections – Mojave Desert is a blissfully elegant ambient record featuring an ensemble of session musicians and the soundtrack to a short film of the same title

by Anna Diaz Ortuño. Sam Shepard aka Floating Points, has always incorporated elements of jazz and even post-rock in his music, but here we head into epic something resembling Pink Floyd-style arrangements, the central track, ‘Kites’, a shimmering masterpiece that requires repeated listening.

It’s hard not to see 4.44 as Jay-Z’s own response to his wife Beyonce’s brilliantly soul searching Lemonade, yet according to press reports that was never his focus.

One thing is clear straight away on this self-exploratory album, the masterful rapper is exposing his Achilles heel, with fatherhood and marriage softening this giant of hip-hop’s image. The precise and elegant lyricism still abounds, yet these are no longer tales from the hood, they’re tales from a wealthy self-made man whose power challenges American conventions.

42 | Column

Bitchin’ Kitchen with Hannah Colenbrander

Satay Meatballs Satay meatballs is the perfect meal for a winter night. A ‘pea-nutty’ alternative to spag bol. The image above is not particularly appetising but I can assure you it tastes way better than it looks! Steamed greens like broccoli, beans and peas added to the plate make it a healthy, hearty winter tummy filler (try say that five times real fast).

Ingredients:

Method:

salt and pepper to taste

Mix ground beef, egg, onion, breadcrumbs, milk, salt and pepper to taste together. Shape into balls and fry in oil in a pan or place on baking paper and cook in the oven at 200 degrees for 20-25 minutes. Cook the pasta according to instructions on packet. Prepare satay sauce by combining all ingredients in a small pan and mix on a low heat until smooth and thickened. Thin sauce with more water if necessary. Serve with satay sauce poured over meatballs.

Spaghetti pasta Beef mince 1 large egg 1⁄4 cup onion, finely chopped 1⁄3 cup breadcrumbs 1⁄4 cup milk 2 cloves garlic, chopped 2 tbsp soy sauce 2 tbsp lemon juice 1 tbsp oil 2-4 drops chilli sauce 1/4 cup brown sugar 2 tbsp peanut butter 1/4 cup water

Booked In: Chapter 8: What’s a God to a non-believer?

Hey, Massive readers! I am Peri Miller, a third-year communications student based in Albany. Welcome to Booked In, where I’ll be offering my take on books and book related topics.

Once a book has been published and hits shelves the world over, does it fully belong to the author anymore? Which takes precedence: intent or interpretability? The “Word of God,” as it were, or the perception of the masses?

This a particularly sticky subject of high and heated debate for decades. Many might be aware of the “Death of the Author” concept, named for the 1967 Roland Barthes essay of the same name, which essentially posits a method of interpretation wherein the author is irrelevant. The book and the author are entirely separate entities. “Word of God” is when the creator of a work retroactively offers additional information about the world, plot, or characters of the story. Whether or not one believes in Death of the Author is what determines just how ‘canonical’ that Word is.

I’m sure the example I’m going to address will be unsurprising.

Recently, it seems I can’t go near any internet news feeds without seeing something about Harry Potter — more specifically, some new snippet of info dropped from J.K. Rowling’s twitter into the hungry proverbial mouths of dedicated Potterheads. Rowling is one of the most relevant contemporary figures with regards to DotA and Word of God. Why? Simply because she can’t leave her own creation alone. Sure, many of the addendums and factoids about the series and its world are interesting. But, just because the author said it, does that make it unequivocally true within the bounds of the pages of the books?

The first and perhaps most notable Revelation de Potter was the 2007 reveal that Dumbledore was, in fact, gay. The reveal triggered

a wide range of reactions, from support and kudos to accusations of a publicity stunt. The claimed intention of the reveal was to spread the message of sexuality having no bearing on one’s personality, strength of character, or brilliance — a good, noble, and true message, to be sure. Or it would be, at least, were it at all present within the main text or subtext of any of the seven books.

Alas, ‘tis not. It makes sense, yes, that Dumbledore is gay, when the evidence is examined in such a context. But the only reason it’s accepted as canonical is because of the Word of God — the creator popping in ex post facto to say, hey, by the way, he’s gay. Well, okay. That’s all well and good if you believe that the author has the ultimate authority over the interpretation of their text. Intent over interpretation. Perhaps, however, the reader is the one with the authority. Interpretation over intent; the text completely divorced from the author. Books are written to be read, after all. Dumbledore being homosexual is, then, merely one interpretation. I have no doubt that Rowling wrote Harry Potter intending Dumbledore to be gay. But honestly, with what evidence exists within the text, he could just as easily be sporting a lizard tail under his robes.

If you haven’t gathered already, I’m of the belief that if an author wants a particular aspect of plot or character to be accepted as unambiguous truth, they should make it explicit within the book(s).

Otherwise, all justifiable interpretations are fair game. With regards to Dumbledore (and other retroactive sexuality “reveals”) a definitive in-text disclosure would have created a more powerful — and undeniable — message of acceptance.

Instead, it’s all up to the reader: a choice between the Death of the Author or their Word of God as gospel.

Review | 43

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44 | Puzzles

Puzzles Sudoku Easy

Medium

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Word Puzzles

Impressive: 50 words Great: 30 words Good: 10 words

Make as many words as you can using as few or as many letters as you can.

Each word must use the letter in the centre, but you can't use a letter/square more than once.

R I O R D A S L A

Target

Answers: 1. Sun on yellow bear’s tummy 2. Rainbow on pink bear’s tummy 3. Blue bear’s nose 4. Heart on dark pink bear’s tummy 5. Purple bear’s nose 6. Heart colours on blue bear’s tummy 7. Yellow bear’s eye colour 8. Pink bear’s nose 9. Purple tummy - no hearts 10. Green bear’s ear colour.

Spot the difference Puzzles | 45

46 | Events

Manawatu¯ Events

July 31 - August 14 Wednesday, August 2 Learn to Skate Speed Bell Hall, Waldegrave Street, Palmerston North.

Do you have a need? A need for speed? Give speed skating a go!

Learn how to speed skate and wow everyone with all that speed.

You’ll be taught by professionals that know what they’re doing.

Once you got speed skating down pact, you will never be late for class again!

Thursday, August 3 Samba Drumming Band Practice The Stomach, 84 Lombard Street, Palmerston North Ever wanted to go to Brazil, but the course related cost isn’t enough to buy you a ticket? Well, do I have some great news for you. Samba ao Vento is a Brazilian drumming band that will give you a taste of Brazil and what you’re missing out on. It is also free.

So, escape to Brazil, even if it’s for a couple of hours. Show off your dance moves while you’re at it!

Friday, August 4 Justin 'Rusty' White Shed 23, 23 Princess Street, Palmerston North Classes has been on for a couple of weeks and the workload makes uni feel like a joke? Laugh till you cry and pretend it’s because this guy is actually funny and not because of uni. Justin ‘Rusty’ White will make you forget about the sad uni life and make you feel better about yourself. And if not… Mate that’s tough.

Monday, August 7 How to plan, run and take minutes at an AGM Ahh shit, you’ve done something, then this happened, then that happened, and now you’re in charge with running an AGM. WTF?!

You’ve never done anything like that in yo life!!! The lesson here kids, is not to sign up to everything that is put in front of you.

However, MUSA, they got you covered. They will clear up any issues and provide you with tips and templates on how to run an efficient AGM.

Credits | 47

PUBLISHER

CAMPUS EDITORS:

massivemagazine.org.nz ISSN-2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online) This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers.

The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser, which is FSC© certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. Massive Magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.

Auckland

MANAGING EDITOR Nikki Papatsoumas editor@massivemagazine.org.nz (04) 801 5799 ext. 63765

DESIGN AND LAYOUT Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz (04) 801 5799 ext. 63765

MEDIA MANAGER Sarah Grant-Wang manager@mawsa.org.nz (04) 801 5799 ext. 63763

Taryn Dryfhout anotherdesperatehousewife@gmail.com Manawatū Adam Pearse adampearse1@gmail.com Wellington Kasharn Rao kasharnrao@gmail.com

CONTRIBUTORS Kasharn Rao, Adam Pearse, Taryn Dryfhout, Jamie-Lee Bracken, Laura Macdonald, Natasha Tziakis, Katherine Dewar, Peri Miller, Paul Berrington, Hannah Colenbrander, Kat Fankhauser, Carwyn Walsh, Pheobe Holden, Ruth Bateson. and Jack Mayo.

louienealeartist.wordpress.com Lost and Found Images: Kasharn Rao Artist Feature Sam Stephens @samanthaartist Ditch the bottle and have fun sober Pheobe Holden Modern Miss Lonelyhearts Fern Grant @ferngrant Mum’s the word Louie Neale louienealeartist.wordpress.com Dilemma Doctor Zariah Wilson www.zmwdesign.com

IMAGE CREDITS Front Cover Samantha Stokes stokedsamatha.com Why students are turning to ghost-writing Jenny Craig jennifer.silas.craig@gmail.com A Pinch of Politics Samantha Stokes stokedsamantha.com Interview: James Shaw Louie Neale

Local News - NZTA says Gorge unlikely to reopen www.mawsa.org.nz Local News: Varsity A stumble at semi-final hurdle www.massey.ac.nz Local News -Rowe sets up White Ferns win www.mawsa.org.nz Locals News: Students: It’s time weed is legal http://herb.co/2016/09/13/appg/

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