Massive Magazine Manawatu Issue 09 2018

Est. 2012

ManawatĹŤ |August 2018 | 09

Flat Earthers - could the earth really be flat?

Let’s talk Sugar Daddies... again I watched We Are Your Friends 60 times for an experiment Unpopular Opinion: Music Concerts

Cover Image: Luca Rosseels

Editorial Hi everyone, This is our last issue before the mid-semester break and then it’s just three to go. The year has well and truly flown by!

In this issue Massive talks sugar daddies… again! This time our reporter has interviewed two sugar daddies about their experiences and how they got in the game. It’s worth a read so make sure to check it out! We also have an interview with a “Flat Earther” a kiwi who believes the Earth is flat. To read more about that head over to page 12.

Also, a farewell is to MUSA President Ben Schmidt, who is resigning as President to take up a full-time role with the Manawatū Tenants’ Union.

Schmidt has done a wonderful job as part of the Executive last year and as President this year, and we wish him all the best. Schmidt will be replaced

by Acting President Ngahuia Kirton, who will fill in until the upcoming MUSA elections.

Nikki

facebook.com/massivemagazine @massivemagazine massivemagazine.org.nz

E V I S S A M

Features Column 12 14 18 22 26 31

Could the earth really be flat?

Declassified: Conspiracies Let’s talk Sugar Daddies I watched We Are Friends 60 times Unpopular Opinion: Music Concerts Gym Bunny

Humour 11 36 46

New News Good Cop, Bad Cop Horoscoping you out

09 10 35 30 37 38 41 43

Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Google vs. God Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

ManawatĹŤ Reporter:

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars

06 40 44 45

Contributors: Peri Miller Chris Glavovic Lydia Hill Christina Kirk Wilson Aria Tongs Kasharn Rao Leilani Baker Emma Rzepecky Jack Mayo Natasha Tziakis

Local News Reviews Puzzles Hot or Not

Todd Murray Chantelle de Boer Zoe Jennings Francesca Vodanovich Kyle Smith Florence Cohen Elise Cacace Layal Moore

LOCAL NEWS

Students give back through MUSA shop Pay It Forward jar Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz Students who might find themselves struggling to afford lunch can now benefit from loose change available through a Pay It Forward venture on the Massey Manawatū campus.

The idea was born when a student, who did not want to be named, approached the Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) shop manager Christine with the idea of setting up a jar for donations of loose change for students in need.

“We [the student and I] collectively contributed around $30 in cash to the jar to start with,” says Christine.

“The idea is that if someone comes in and they don’t have money, their card declines or they’re just a couple of dollars short and they’re hungry, they can take some extra cash from the jar.

“Staff and students come and get cash out sometimes just to be able to put something in it for others,” she says.

“We get students coming in who live at home and feel lucky not to have the same expenses that students living out of home do when it comes to food, and so they’re eager to donate.”

The venture has been going on for several months now, and the jar hasn’t been empty since.

“It just goes around and around, people are using it and then coming back and contributing more,” says Christine.

“We can see there’s been an obvious need for something like this. People are quite happy to donate. The generosity we’ve seen from them has been absolutely amazing.”

The MUSA shop staff have had plenty of positive feedback on the concept.

“It’s wonderful to see the student community give back.”

Kirton to take over as MUSA President Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

Current Welfare Officer Ngahuia Kirton is set to step into the role of Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) President when current president Ben Schmidt officially resigns on August 24.

Kirton is a vet student and has been in the Executive Welfare role since December 2017.

She’s not only involved in MUSA but as an active member of the community, a board member of the Manawatū Tenants’ Union, part of a Future Leaders program and part of several campus clubs.

“During my time at MUSA I’ve really been able to develop both as a student and in the political sphere. I’ve grown stronger in leadership skills and I was keen to take that further.”

Kirton will act as President until a new one is elected for 2019, with the official handover set for December 1.

“MUSA gets pretty quiet toward end of year, we’ll be focusing on transitioning the new president into that role,” says Kirton.

“It’ll be hard to fill Ben’s shoes, but I hope to continue the awesome work he’s done. I’m keen to strengthen MUSA’s relationship with our sister association Manawatahi, and really get our mental health initiative going.”

With the position involving 40 hours of work a week, Kirton says it will be challenging to balance that with full-time study but she’s up for the challenge.

A new Welfare Officer will not be elected for now.

“I’m hoping to maintain both the president and welfare roles, and delegate when necessary,” says Kirton.

“It’ really exciting, such a cool opportunity to be able to be in this role even for a short amount of time,” she says.

“We’re sad to be losing Ben but hopefully can continue his work and recognise the work he did in his time with MUSA.” Kirton is considering running again for the Welfare position in this year’s elections.

“It depends on my plans for next year, particularly with study, but it’s definitely an option.”

LOCAL NEWS

Schmidt steps down, takes on role with MTU Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

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Current MUSA President Ben Schmidt with Ngahuia Kirton who is stepping up as Acting President of MUSA. Current Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA) President Ben Schmidt is resigning from his role on the executive after accepting a job as coordinator of the Manawatū Tenants’ Union.

He will be officially resigning on August 24.

Ngahuia Kirton, current Welfare Officer on the executive, will take over as Acting President until a new one is voted in by students in the annual election.

“Nga’s done an awesome job and will continue to do so, she’s done great work in the areas of mental health especially with her focus on stress free study week,” says Schmidt.

“I’m really proud of what we [MUSA] have achieved so far.”

Schmidt has worked closely with the Manawatū Tenants’ Union in the past and is passionate about the work they do for renters.

“It’s not a decision I made lightly. The current coordinator of MTU is resigning at the end of August after serving for years.”

“It’s what I want to keep doing with my life. We worked with them on the flatting pack drive and often refer students to them.”

Schmidt says he’s leaving the other Executive Members in a strong position to move forward.

“It’s great what we’ve been able to do so far this year for students, from free food from Just Zilch on Thursdays to developing a universal class rep policy.”

“I’m happy with where our efforts to change the Massey bus services are going, and MUSA will keep fighting for students to be heard.”

Schmidt says that with regular student elections fast approaching, they opted not to hold a by-election.

“We didn’t want to overload students with another election process. Nga stepped forward and we as an executive voted her in as acting president.”

Schmidt is still working on completing his BA and hopes to finish by semester one next year.

“I might still volunteer with MUSA at the occasional event,” he says. “But I’m moving on from MUSA.” “To students, I say keep telling MUSA what you want to see from them. They’re here to work for you and support you.”

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ws national ne

ASA pay rises continue Pay off your library fees after constitution error with a can of soup Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

The Albany Student Association (ASA) Vice President Venya Patel has received a $500 annual payment increase for her executive role.

The motion to increase Patel’s pay was passed at ASA’s Annual General Meeting in July.

The main reason for the proposed pay-rise is because the role’s advertisement did not match what was written in the ASA’s constitution.

When Patel applied for the role, it said the successful applicant would receive $9,500 for the year.

However, the amount written into the ASA’s constitution was only $9000, meaning Patel would receive $500 less than promised.

When presenting the motion at the AGM, ASA President Jason Woodroofe said that the false advertising was “extremely unfair”.

According to the ASA website, the Vice President’s role revolves around being a communicative link between students and the association’s Executive.

This includes organising meetings, presenting the budget to students and coordinating the up-coming ASA Executive Elections.

Woodroofe says the Power-Points Patel creates for their meetings take “hours” alone, and that the amount of time Patel commits to the ASA makes her deserving of the increase.

The motion was passed with no objections.

The constitution error comes after the executive increased their overall honorarium for this year by $27,000.

Many people strongly disagreed with this, as the self-opted increase was seen as an unfair use of student fees.

The ASA still stands by the increase, and say they still work more hours than what they are contracted for.

They also have support from the Manawatū and Wellington student associations, who relate to the large workload the executive take on.

The Library is running a two-week Food Drive from Monday August 13 to Sunday August 26.

Students are encouraged to bring non-perishable food items to the team at the Albany Library, where donations can be accepted as payment for outstanding library fees.

So, you can pay off your late fees with a can of soup that has been living in the back of your pantry.

Other item ideas may include the usual canned fruit or packet pasta, or even baking mixes and baby food.

As long as the items are non-perishable, undamaged and unopened, they will be accepted.

All of the food collected will be donated to local foodbanks around the North Shore community.

Food Banks ensure that families who struggle to make ends meet do not have to compromise food and go hungry.

With rising power bills during the winter months, this is a great time to make life easier for local families through supporting this cause.

To drop-off donations or for further information, see the Massey Albany Library team at the Library reception desk.

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Rebels of the carpark: Students bending the rules on campus

Though cancellations and a lower turn-out, Band Night 2 delivers

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

From people standing guard in parks to carpool-area fraud, the early weeks of semester two have seen it all.

As usual, the enthusiasm of students at the beginning of semester makes the already limited carparks on the Albany Campus even harder to come by.

The parking area by Te Ohanga Village is also closed, so busy times are even more congested.

The reaction from desperate students has been to bend and ignore carpark rules and etiquette.

One of these methods includes students hovering around soon-to-be- free parks so they can save them for their friends, as witnessed by a commuter during the midday rush last Wednesday.

“As usual, I was stoked to be in the right place at the right time to grab a park, and then someone stood in front of it on their phone.

“I assumed they had just gotten out of another car and were distracted, so I tried to give the person a wave while moving out of the way of the line of traffic behind me, and the person just stared at me.”

The commuter continued creeping into the park until the person moved.

The driver then saw the park-saver walk off and exclaim to a friend that someone “bloody” took it.

“They seemed really mad. I had no clue what was happening to be honest.”

Another student witnessed two minis driven by solo commuters taking turns at picking up the same passenger, so they could fool the security guard into giving them access into the carpooling area.

After many solo drivers used the carpooling area last year, security was hired to regulate the area, inspiring this new and improved strategy to gain access to the most convenient parking spaces on campus.

Someone showed the guard what the pair of minis were doing, and they are now on the lookout for repeating passengers.

Making the student carparks by the recreation centre one-way was another improvement that came in time for semester two.

The change created more driving room and a much-needed increase of parking spaces.

Half Moon Baby performing at Band Night 2.

The Albany Students’ Association’s (ASA) Band Night 2 which returned to the Ferguson on July 20, is being dubbed another success.

Like the first event, four local bands graced the Ferguson Bar stage until midnight, playing original songs as well as covers.

The event was free for Massey students, giving the night major appeal for studiers who prefer indie, rock and reggae over the Ferguson’s usual DJ set.

While there were less people compared to semester one’s Band Night, the crowd were still enthusiastic and engaged in the performances.

Band adorer Elizabeth Jackson was among the fans of The Ferguson’s new style.

“It was a super good night, with the added joy of supporting home-grown kiwi music.”

The event’s success is especially admirable considering two of the bands were affected by sickness.

Openers FunkmetillIJazz were two members down, managing to still warm up the crowd with their pretty cover of Kimbra’s Settle Down with only half of their members.

Smokestack Slim were going to be newcomers to the event, but the whole band had to cancel just hours beforehand.

Their slot was replaced by Bay Street, a surf pop band from Red Beach who were a fitting addition to the night with their chill and summery sound.

Half Moon Baby stole the show with their seven-man ensemble, including a trumpet and a saxophone, getting everyone up on their feet.

Their original song Good Champaign was a crowd favourite, with its essence of The Black Seeds and Sticky Fingers.

To check out any of the bands’ music, search their names on Facebook or head to the ASA Band Night 2 event page.

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“Put simply; donating blood saves lives” Jamie-Lee Bracken wellingtonreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Every year our campus has a chance to do our bit and help those in need by donating blood.

New Zealand Blood Service’s annual blood drive will be held in the Flax and Fern room on Monday, August 20.

New Zealand Blood Service Donor Recruiter, Rachael Stapleton, says blood donated helps treat cancer patients, accident victims, babies, pregnant women and people with medical conditions.

“If you donate blood, you can go home knowing that you have saved the lives of up to three people,” she says. “You are arriving into uni on a normal day and going home a life saver.”

Stapleton says last year 28 units of blood were collected at Massey and this year the blood service was aiming to collect more.

“Giving blood is a simple act, all we ask for is an hour of your time,” says Stapleton.

She says most people are eligible to donate and a quick visit to the New Zealand blood website can re-assure students about their eligibility.

Stapleton says students should donate because many adults similar in age now lead different lives thanks to donations.

Stapleton encourages all potential donors to download the NZ Blood Service app to ease their nerves and learn more about how donation has helped people around the country.

“If you are eligible, then why wouldn’t you want to do something as selfless as this. Even if you are not currently eligible, you can spread the word and encourage your peers to donate,” she says.

Visit www.nzblood.co.nz. for more

APPLICATIONS ARE NOW OPEN for the 2018 Massey University Foundation Grant and Student Advancement Grant The Massey University Foundation Grant can be used to support travel costs, technology or books associated with academic study at Massey University of up to $5,000 Applications to the Student Advancement Grant will be considered for projects that support students at Massey University up to a value of $20,000 FOR ELIGIBILITY, CRITERIA, AND APPLICATION FORMS, GO TO:

https://foundation.massey.ac.nz/ scholarships CLOSING DATE:

9 September 2018

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COLUMN

Join Massive’s Natasha Tziakis as she dissects New Zealand politics and offers her sharp and savvy opinion in this fortnightly column.

The National Party has historically been regarded as relatively conservative and against any drug reform. However, it seems that after losing out to the Labour Party last year, the National Party may be undergoing some radical changes.

National have proposed to make an amendment to the Misuse of Drugs Bill by introducing an “exception and a statutory defence for terminally ill people to possess and use illicit cannabis and to possess a cannabis utensil”.

This amendment bill was first introduced into government late last year, just one month after National’s loss to the Labour-Green-NZ First coalition government. It has recently been passed through the Select Committee and is now in its second reading.

It appears that National is trying to target people who may not have potentially voted or supported them in the past by developing more of a social and health-based policy. Although this is not to say that the cannabis industry doesn’t offer a huge market for the government to profit from if this amendment bill is passed.

The proposed bill doesn’t suggest legalising cannabis, but instead explores the idea of making a legal exception for the terminallyill to receive alternate quality healthcare from the plant. There has been ideas batted around that those who meet the requirements will get a cannabis card so that their doctor doesn’t have to continuously prescribe cannabis to them.

This card idea is very much like the Medical Marijuana Identification Card Programme in California, as it is for ease of use and recognised by pharmacies.

One of the specifications in the bill is that the bill does not make an exception for cannabis smoking, it is only covering cannabis products like oils and pills. The healing chemical in cannabis is CBD which can be extracted from the plant to create balms, teas and so on. I think the reason why the exception isn’t covering smoking is to try and deter recreational usage as it’s difficult to attain the same high from CBD/cannabinoid products once the THC is removed and the THC is only activated at a certain heat.

Members of the public seem to be confused as to what the actual requirements to receive the legal exception to access cannabis will be. The bill clearly states that the person in question has to be terminally-ill, but what kind of ill hasn’t really been discussed or developed yet.

Would someone with crippling arthritis and someone with stage 4 cancer receive the same cannabis card? Both are relatively incurable, but does ‘terminally’, the way National has used it, mean it has to kill the person?

There have been very mixed responses towards this amendment bill, and some MPs and the public are surprised at this change of heart from the National Party and that it has reached its second reading. A lot of news outlets, including Newsroom and Stuff, are questioning whether this bill from National is just a political power move or if it is actually a health policy because they care.

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COLUMN

ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a casual brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.

Free Pass You’d probably be pretty miffed if one of your classmates didn’t turn up to a single lecture or tutorial the entire semester then rocked up to the exam and aced it.

A student who cheats the system is praised, even adored by teachers.

Well how do you think the teammates of netballer, Maria Folau feel.

Folau, who plays for the Northern Mystics, is currently based in Sydney with husband, and Warratas player, Israel Folau.

To remain eligable for the Silver Ferns, she is only required to play a total of three games the entire season.

She is New Zealand’s star goal attack, famous for her ability to shoot from anywhere in the circle. She’s even been named the ‘poster girl’ of New Zealand netball.

Yet, she’s rarely at a Mystics training, you’ll hardly ever see her play in the ANZ championship, and she barely knows her teammates.

"It was quite weird passing the ball around with some of the girls, some of them I've never met before," she admitted in an interview earlier this year.

But despite this, Folau gets a free pass into our national side.

Sure, I will admit it can’t be easy for her.

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Travelling between countries and having to adapt to new teammates. And I’m sure she still trains hard and regularly engages with the team.

But it defeats the entire concept of ‘team sports’. The blood, sweat and tears are not quite the same when you’re not alongside the rest of the pack.

And this isn’t the only example. So often, elite players are allowed to code hop, or receieve special treatment due to their ‘abilities’ or as I like to think of it their ‘player rating’.

Think about it. More people would come to games with a superstars like Maria Folau, Sonny Bill Williams, and Aaron Smith.

But what do all these players have in common?

They’ve all received a free pass. Whether they want to live somewhere else, want to play different codes, or they just can’t keep it in their pants.

Their questionable decisions are excused and even rewarded.

Too often athletes utilise their celebrity status to cheat the system. Like waving their magic wands and convincing national sporting organisations that without them, the sport would wither.

Folau even admitted that New Zealand Netball had to break the rules for her.

The question is, is it better for New Zealand sports organisations to bend the rules and keep our players in local teams, or should they stick to protocol and watch their stars put on a different uniform?

Pass or play: Sepak Takraw Sepak takraw loosely translates to “kick the woven ball” but is more commonly known as kick volleyball.

A sport native to Malaysia which is considered more of an art than a sport.

Sepak takraw differs from the similar sport of Footvolley as players can only use their feet, knee, head and chest. Sepak takraw also uses a rattan ball which is made of a flexible wooden material.

The sport is a combination of football, volleyball, and gymnastics. Think of the movie Shaolin Soccer where martial arts is combined with soccer. It’s a super competitive sport and is played predominantly in Eastern Asia. New Zealand do have a national team who competed in King’s Cup Sepak Takraw Championship in Thailand last year.

Ponder that: There are 18 minutes of total action in a basketball game.

SATIRE

en tert ainment Writer: Chris Glavovic

Celebrities and musicians are great, aren't they? Nothing like a good ol' fashioned bunch of drug-addled advocates of rock and roll influencing the young minds of today, right? That's an exaggeration, obviously, because we here at The New News eat up juicy celeb gossip/music industry drama every day.

This week, we are looking at the latest celeb news, as well as upcoming events/ shows y'all should hold y our breath for!

Eskeettiit, amirite?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, wrestler, athlete, actor, and producer — he does it all. However, the most important aspect of his career often goes unnoticed.

Namely, how does he keep his head in such great condition? "As you can see, it's in pretty good shape," Johnson says as he gently rubs his head, "but if I am being honest with you, it isn't easy to maintain.

It takes hard work, but it pays off every time I look in the mirror or see my dome up on screen." We asked Johnson how he maintains it and he said, "a lot of moisturiser, like, A LOT. I also import pumice from New Zealand and the finest sandpaper — directly from Italy. I'm talking sandpaper fine enough to polish asphalt and have it sparkling like my head. And lastly, I have a guy...Dennis, from Turkey. He is great. Knows the ins and outs of the human scalp. He buffs and polishes twice a week. He's great."

Following our interview with Johnson, we were left in awe of the commitment he has, to both his career and his captivating cranium.

In other celeb news, there has been an interesting discovery for singer/ actress Ariana Grande. It turns out that Grande's birth certificate was incorrectly recorded, meaning that she is actually

only 11 years old. Most of her fans are not deterred by this fact, and it has few implications for her illustrious career.

It's more of a spanner-in-the-works type realisation, and it may not shock people given her ‘youthful’ appearance. In an interview with People Magazine, Grande said, "I am a bit shocked, but I guess it makes sense. I am excited for my twelfth birthday party and I hope that all of my friends enjoy the cake and goody-bags.

Thanks to my fans for their continued support throughout this totally weird time!"

You may be excited to know that Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough are on track to release their highly anticipated audio book in August. Their project gained huge attention following a sneak preview reaching over 65 billion views on YouTube in just 23 minutes. The audio book contains a collection of the funniest sounding words in the English language.

Not only will you hear the words flannel, moist, loofah, and mulch, you will also be treated to an exploration into the lives of two of the mellowest sounding men ever. Additionally, if you pre-purchase the audio book, you will receive a copy of Attenborough and Freeman saying every single word in the dictionary. This means you can entertain your friends and family for hours on end stringing together delightful sounding sentences for the rest of your life!

In music news, Chris Brown is facing charges, on account of him being "unable to release a bad song," according to accusations made over the weekend.

The allegations were made by other Hip-Hop and RnB artists following an analysis of the last 30 songs Brown has released. Mick Jagger commented on the

scandal saying, "it's true, C-Breezy can't be stopped. He just produces banger after banger." Brown has chosen not to respond to the claims and is rumoured to be preparing a mix-tape/dance routine for the court date.

Finally, it's been a while since we heard from Justin Bieber. Where is he? We were lucky enough to track him down for an exclusive New News interview and find out what he is up to. Bieber said, "I've just been laying low, really. Trying to just kick-it for a while. Y'all ain't ready for my next project". When asked about his "next project", he had this to say. "Well, I have been absent from the media after all of my drink-driving charges and stuff like that, so I thought I could really come out swinging, ya feel me? Let's just say that during my time off, I have been working hard on figuring out what outrageous stunt I can pull next." We asked Bieber if he could give us any hints as to what his next spectacle may be and he said, "I can't tell you too much... But it involves litres and litres of Coors Light, a unicorn onesie, an angry colony of beavers, and the African nation of Wakanda." The New News is very excited for the next Bieber project, and can't wait to catch Bieber fever once again.

That's all we have time for this week, folks.

It seems as though the Entertainment Industry never fails to entertain.

Read more: thenewnewsworldwide.wordpress.com/ *The New News analyses the most critical issues of modern society. Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "it is important to read The New News because it'll make you smart—or something..." Keeping with tradition, we inform our readers on a wide range of topics including religion, politics, and ingrown toenails.

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FEATURE

Could the Earth really be flat?

A growing number of kiwis seem to think so Writer: Nikki Papatsoumas

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massive Those who believe in science will understand that Greek philosopher Pythagoras alluded to the idea the Earth was spherical as early as the sixth century BC. Those who believe in science will also accept explorers sailed the world and eventually realised the world wasn’t flat but was globe shaped.

But a growing number of people from right across the planes of Earth, calling themselves 'Flat Earthers', now believe the world is flat, an elaborate conspiracy covered up by space agencies and scientists over hundreds of years.

According to those who believe in the Flat Earth theory, the Flat Earth cosmology has its origins rooted back 4000-5000 years ago in Sumerian, Egyptian, Vedic (Vedas) and Hebrew (Biblical) texts and records. In a nutshell those who follow the theory believe the Earth is limitless as opposed to a limited sphere shape or globe. With the rise in social media, the Flat Earth theory is gaining more traction. A quick Facebook search will bring up several groups and pages where people can learn more about the theory.

Most people would balk at the idea the Earth is flat. Not Nathan Holt.

Holt is a member of Flat Earth New Zealand which has almost 1300 members. It is one of many groups popping up on social media, a place to post, share interests and discuss Flat Earth related content as well as socialise with Flat Earth believers in New Zealand.

Holt says he became interested in Flat Earth after delving into the moon landing a little further.

“Looking into the moon hoax and moon reality and examining both sides of the argument of the man missions to the moon, personally to me it seemed, after looking into it thoroughly, that the moon landings were a hoax,” he says.

From here he dug a little deeper and eventually he was hooked on the idea the Earth is flat. Holt says he thinks NASA and other space agencies are behind a huge conspiracy designed to make humans believe the Earth

is sphere in shape, when it is indeed flat.

Holt says one of the main reasonings behind his beliefs is that NASA's presentation of Earth from space is “extremely questionable and problematic”.

“For example, NASA released a supposed photo or 'image' of the Earth from space once a year or so,” he says.

“If you were to compare these images of the Earth's continents… from the first photo taken in 1972 to now, you will see different variations in the size of continents and countries.

“North America being bigger than Africa is one of many examples.”

Holt says critics should be questioning everything that has been presented and fed to them from a very young age.

When asked how he would explain the curvature of the Earth Holt was hazy in his answer. He had more to say about his explanation as to where the water went when it hit ‘the edge of the Earth’.

“There is no so called 'edge’ where the water runs off,” he explains.

He says the Arctic Circle is in the centre of the Earth and Antarctica is around the rim.

“What is beyond the Antarctic is up for speculation since the signing of the Antarctic Treaty in December 1959 has prevented independent explorers and scientists from going to the Antarctic to find out what is really there, not what they are telling us.”

Holt says some theorists believe Antarctica is an infinite plane, while others believe it goes for some extent before meeting with the firmament.

He says a big issue facing those who are interested in learning more about Flat Earth theory is censorship. He says it’s difficult when content relating to the beliefs of Flat Earthers is removed from sites such as YouTube, and people often don’t take him seriously.

“Is it frustrating to be called names such as conspiracy theorists? Personally, I don’t care for those who spit names such as conspiracy theorist or "Flatard" and

"Flathead" to troll and bully for their entertainment.

“I don't waste my time on them and I give them the benefit of the doubt, for they have not truly looked into the Flat Earth theory with an open mind and thoroughly investigated and queryed everything, even if it means placing their own ideas and beliefs on the chopping board to criticise the integrity of.”

Despite Holt’s concerns that much of the information on the internet pertaining to the Flat Earth theory is censored, he says social media has helped with boosting the number of Flat Earthers out there.

Earlier this year there was an official Flat Earth conference held in New Zealand and with more mentions through media and social media channels ,interest is growing. Holt says anyone who has a genuine interest in the Flat Earth Theory is welcome to join the Flat Earth New Zealand Facebook group.

“We welcome those who are genuinely curious about the Flat Earth theory as well, we are not all exclusively closed group just for Flat Earth believers like some other groups."

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Key points Flat Earthers believe the Earth is a disc with the Arctic Circle in the centre and Antarctica around the rim. They say NASA employees guard these large sheets of ice to prevent people from finding out the truth.

To explain day and night, Flat Earthers say the sun and moon (both spherical objects) move in circles above the plane of the Earth.

Most believe rocks lay beneath the Earth. They don’t believe gravity exists and instead argue the disc of Earth accelerates upwards.

Flat Earthers believe photos of Earth from space are photoshopped and pilots GPS systems are rigged to make them believe they are flying in a straight line around a sphere.

SOURCE: Live Science 13

FEATURE moon landing have at least some relevancies that should not be disregarded.

DECLASSIFIED: Massive takes a closer look at some of the world's well known conspiracies Writer: Elise Cacace

Did man really walk the moon?

Ever since humans have walked on earth, we have continuously explored and discovered new and different things while simultaneously making advancements and adaptations to enhance our way of living. It wasn’t until 1961 that the first human lived and breathed outside of planet Earth after being launched into space on a MercuryRedstone rocket. Ever since then, space has been a large fascination and incomprehensible topic that many astronomers have been trying to discover more about. Apollo 11, the first space flight that launched a man to the moon in July of 1969, made world history and increased nations hope for discovering more about space and potentially finding other life forms. But what if it was a hoax?

Many conspiracy theorists indicate that NASA staged the moon landing (along with the shape of the Earth) with the help of other potential organisations, and these theories have managed to sustain the public’s interest for over 45 years. Some of the arguments and conspiracies against the 1969

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Most of the alleged theories that the moon landings between 1969 and 1972 were faked stem from NASA’s very own photographs. Many people argue a famous image of Edwin Aldrin is a hoax, due to him showing up too brightly in the image, even though he is in the shadow of the lunar module.

The shadows also are not parallel with each other, which conspiracists declare could only happen with multiple light sources. Moon landing sceptics argue that if the photos the astronauts took on the moon were actually real, the shadows would be completely black. This is because the sun is the only source of light. The absence of any atmosphere on the moon would not be able to scatter the light around and create the shadows shown in the photographs. This argument is used by sceptics to enforce the idea that the moon landing was filmed in a studio on Earth with an atmosphere, as opposed to the moon in outer space.

Another point raised that creates some suspicion around the moon landing was the image with no stars in the sky. Many Sceptics believe that the lack of stars in the sky indicates that NASA somehow forgot to paint the stars on the studio backdrop when they staged the moon landing.

A further suspicion that conspiracy theorists have brought to attention is the moon landing footage.

Multiple theorists accuse the moon landing footage of being fake or staged due to factors such as the footprints and the American flag that has been planted on the moon. In the video of Astronaut Charles Duke landing on the moon, it seems as if the flag he plants is flapping on the wind which would be impossible, as outer space has no air and therefore no wind.

In addition, another theory is that the footprints left by the astronauts would not be as well defined as those photographed, as there is no moisture on the moon and moisture is the thing that holds footprints together.

So, whether man walked on the moon or it was staged in a studio here on earth, the suspicion that NASA staged the moon landing and humans have never in fact set foot on another planet will always remain.

MASSIVE Was 9/11 a hoax?

9/11, the three numbers everybody now associates with a day of terror and tragedy. Most media put the responsibility of World Trade Center destruction in the hands of 19 militants associated with the Islamic extremist group al-Qaeda. We were led to believe these people hijacked four airplanes and carried out suicide attacks against the United States. But could there be more to the story, truths that have been hidden from the world for 17 years and have yet to

be revealed?

Many conspiracists have been led to believe that explosive devices were secretly planted in the World Trade buildings prior to the attacks. Although it would be almost impossible to plant explosives in the World Trade Centre buildings with over 50,000 workers inside without anybody noticing, some say we can’t disregard this theory completely.

Many leading engineers at the scene of the attack believe the Twin Towers collapsed due to controlled demolition. Evidence to support their argument lies within the footage of the twin towers collapsing.

According to science hobbyist Chris Mohr, no tall steel frame building in history had ever collapsed due to a fire before September 11, 2001. The massive steel framework that melted during the collapse of the towers is said to have been strong enough to withstand the heat of the fire that eventually caused it to collapse. Only weapons of mass destruction such as bombs could essentially cause enough damage to collapse the entire Trade Centre building.

Another mysterious 9/11 theory claims that the United States had advanced knowledge of the potential terrorist attacks and disregarded or even assisted the attackers. Possible motives behind this act of terrorism include the opportunity to justify invading and running natural gas pipelines through Afghanistan as a form of retaliation and way to stop any further strikes. According to multiple conspiracy theorists, there had been multiple warnings and threats to the United States prior to the attack on the Twin Towers and World Trade Centre. In May of 2001, the chief of the CIA’s counterterrorism center stated that “we were going to be struck hard and lots of Americans were going to die”. In August 2001, the president at the time,

George Bush received a review of all the threats posed against the United States by Osama Bin Laden and his terrorist network. Bush had received many direct warnings about potential terrorist strikes against the United States from the start of 2001 yet refused to let the public know until it was too late.

The Pentagon (the headquarters of the United States Department of Defence) was also targeted and attacked on September 11, 2001. Many suspicions were raised regarding the destruction of The Pentagon after no plane wreckage was found at the scene of the crime. The Pentagon was destroyed after a Boeing 757 plane supposedly flew directly into the western side of the building. Although there were multiple witnesses that saw the plane crash into the building, conspiracy advocates still argue that it could have been a missile or different type of plane that flew into the Pentagon. Thierry Meyssan, a French author introduced the idea in his book, The Big Lie, stating that The Pentagon was struck by a ‘satellite-guided missile’ as part of an intricate military coup. "This attack could only be committed by United States military personnel against other U.S. military personnel,” he wrote.

Proof to back up this argument includes footage of the Pentagon being struck by an object. Out of the 85 videotapes that the FBI seized that could potentially show the plane striking the building, only one video actually showed the impact of an object colliding into The Pentagon. Missile theorists have analysed the footage and believe the object is too small to be a Boeing 757 plane and more accurately represents a cruise missile. Despite the evidence pointing towards the Pentagon being attacked with a missile as opposed to an airplane, we must also take into account the camera providing the footage is also filmed with a security camera with an ultra-wide lens angle and therefore footage can easily be distorted. To this day, people are still debating whether The Pentagon was hit by an aeroplane like the media claims, or if there was another weapon used in this attack.

Despite all these arguments and theories about what really happened on 9/11, these are in fact just theories. Although there are many questionable facts and suspicions around this event, until any solid evidence is released we may never know what really happened.

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FEATURE

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FEATURE

Sugar Daddies Let's talk

Let’s talk Sugar Daddies… again. So, as we recall a Sugar Relationship is when you have a Sugar Daddy or Mummy seeking companionship but not an actual partner. Just someone to go out with once a week depending on the arrangement.

Then you have a Sugar Baby who is someone seeking financial gain. It’s basically a business deal. You provide a service which you get paid for in return. The Unlonely Woman went undercover as a Sugar Baby (check out Massive Magazine Issue 07) and even went on a Sugar Daddy date. Sadly, she did not find her prince with deep pockets.

However, she was determined to continue with her search to uncover what a Sugar Relationship was really like. This time she investigates what Sugar Daddies really think.

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MASSIVE So, I started talking to a new Sugar Daddy. We had been talking for quite some time on Seeking Arrangements, which is a website where people can meet other people interested in Sugar Relationships. I had kind of stopped messaging him because he didn’t come across as a proper Sugar Daddy. It seemed like he wanted an actual relationship. However, we started chatting again.

We arranged to have a coffee date to see if we wanted an actual arrangement. You have to test the waters to see if you are suited, because well, you have to sit across from these people once a week when you go out for dinner. So, it should be someone that you get on with.

We make the date and I get there early. I put on that oh so boujie charm. The date finishes and then we go on our way. I message him an hour later saying, “hey it was so nice meeting you, let me know if you’d like an arrangement”. So, did he end up being my Sugar Daddy?

Yes, yes, he fucking did. All the hard work had paid off. So, we discussed an arrangement. We basically agreed to $150 per date, which would be dinner, movies, brunch, or some sort of outing each week.

Money would be up front (because hunny we don’t let no one pull a fast one on us). But it was all short lived. After a while he kept saying he was busy, he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t meet each week. Then it happened. This mother fucker never wanted to pay for a date. He wanted to go out with someone but didn’t want to pay for it. He got the free coffee date and then that was it. Is it weird I feel cheated? It’s like when your boss says you have a promotion and then, nah jokes you don’t get one.

So, I just stopped messaging him because I knew what it was.

On that note I don’t have any saucy Sugar Daddy stories of my own. One thing I do want to clarify is I will not have sex for money it’s just not for me. Like no shame against people who do, it’s just not for me. I’m all about the working women and men. If they’re safe, happy and not hurting anyone, then I say do as you please. But it isn’t for me.

I had interviewed a couple of Sugar Babies for the last feature, and with no dates on the horizon, I decided I wanted to interview some Sugar Daddies.

I wanted to get both sides of the story. I wanted

to know what these guys really thought, how they got into it and honestly, what they expected from Sugar Babies. I was fortunate enough to find some men who were happy to be interviewed and I am so grateful they gave me the time of day. They have remained anonymous for this feature.

The first thing I wanted to know is how the hell they even got into Sugar Relationships?

“I was engaged and had a rough breakup so decided I didn’t want to go through that again and after four years I liked my bachelor life style, travelling and independence and didn’t want to give any of that up. However, I still wanted the intimacy of being with a woman with no strings. I tried escorts, but I wanted a deeper connection, so it was suggested to me by a friend to be a Sugar Daddy (more as a joke) but I decided to look into it and was surprised by the amount of sugar babies. So, I decided to give it a try,” one man told me.

“Becoming a Sugar Daddy first of all usually happens when either you worked plenty and have money, have won the lottery, do illegal activities or in my case, get an inheritance. My first initial reason for becoming one was actually in all honesty heartache. Being betrayed by someone you think you love. Dulled in emotions I found myself having a lot of time and a lot of money. I came across Seeking Arrangements and as a laugh I joined it and that was my introduction into the world of Sugar Daddies and Babies,” another told me.

Heartache or a bad break up seemed to be the reason the men I spoke to decided to explore a Sugar Relationship. Next, I was thinking what did these men want from having a Sugar Baby? Like, what were they after?

“Initially it was to fill in the void of a broken heart, but in time I changed. The want is for most people to have some sort of connection, whether this be intellectual, financial or even purely physical. The want really depended on the connection and from there it goes,” one told me.

The other said he was after fun, companionship, intimacy and sexual release.

“A friend with benefits kind of situation, with the freedom for both to move on with their lives if and when needed.”

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Now the big money question we all want to know.

How much money were they paying their Sugar Baby for every date? One of the men I interviewed actually broke it all down for me. He said it changed from person to person.

“Some purely wanted rent paid which can range from $200 to $300 a week. Others wanted more money I guess you can call it pocket money on top which would range on top of that another $300 plus.”

He said others wanted shopping sprees and some even wanted trips around the world.

The other man I spoke to estimated he spent between $12,000 to $20,000 a year on Sugar Relationships.

Of course, I also wanted the juicy details. What were these two Sugar Daddies worst experiences?

than a person as each person on both sides wants something different from person to person and at the end of the day it is what you both agree on.”

The other said he found that with Sugar Babies there’s a deeper relationship.

“If I wanted an escort/prostitute I would’ve just done that. But found them to be quite cold and all about business where I wanted that friend with benefits type situation.”

So, what do I think of Sugar Daddies? Do I think they are some super sleazy men that want to bed beautiful women? Do I think they are horrible people? I get why Sugar Daddies do this. They want companionship. They are super busy with their career and they just want someone they can see once a week. A lot of these men love the fact that they are helping set up these Sugar Babies. I don’t think these men are sleazy at all. These guys are genuine people who respect woman.

They care about them.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot out there who look at this as a prostitute or escort ring. There are some out there who do view Sugar Babies as a piece of meat.

There are some out there that will take advantage of a Sugar Babies situation. Let’s not be oblivious.

Now my advice if you are looking at becoming a Sugar Baby. Babes first and foremost this shit isn’t for everyone. This isn’t for the faint hearted.

It’s not, you message someone online and get paid. You have to invest yourself. This is business remember. Bad shit could happen, and you have to be mentally stable to be able to deal with that.

There are Sugar Daddies or Mummies that will take advantage of your situation. Only ever do what you are comfortable with. Always be safe. Always meet in public for the first time. Do not go to their house until you are comfortable. Always tell people where you are. I mean hell even when I stay at a dude’s house I’m dating I send screen shots of their Facebook and tell my flat mates their address in case something bad happens.

Do not be stupid or like Gordon Ramsey likes to say an “idiot sandwich”.

Do not be stupid or like Gordon Ramsey likes to say an “idiot sandwich”.

One said his worst experience was finding out one of the Sugar Babies he was seeing was a work colleagues step daughter. Not surprisingly he called the relationship off straight away.

Now this next bit does make me smile a bit. I also asked what their best experience was from being a Sugar Daddy and this part will make you say aww.

“Seeing Sugar Babies achieve their goals... other best parts are genuinely seeing them happy, most of the time that would be overseas somewhere away from the winter of New Zealand,” one told me.

“My last Sugar Baby, we had an arrangement for almost 15months. It was fantastic, we became close on an emotional level and shared many great experiences, international travel and fun random weekends away. Also knowing that I helped her save to make her OE dream a reality,” the other said.

Like come on now how sweet are these two men.

So many people seem to think that being a Sugar Baby is like being a prostitute or an escort. But what did these men think of Sugar Babies? How did they view them?

“I see them as normal people who have goals,” one man said. “I don’t see them as anything other

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What are you doing this Summer?

AgResearch Summer Student Internship Programme 18/19 is now open and we are recruiting paid internships across the following areas of our business: · · · · ·

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Knowledge & Analytics Partnerships & Programmes Technology & Digital Services People & Culture Marketing & Comms

Head to www.agresearchcareers.co.nz for the full list of projects and apply by Monday 27th August for internships starting in November.

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FEATURE

I watched We Are Your Friends 60 times for an experiment Writer: Kyle Smith

I have seen the film We Are Your Friends exactly 60 times.

In between mid-2016 and 2017, I watched We Are Your Friends once a week for 52 weeks.

And inspired by my own idiocy, I recently celebrated roughly a year since I last watched it by watching it eight more times within a week to bring the total amount of viewings to 60, or put in a more regretful way - 96 hours wasted.

In all honesty, I have no good reason to justify why I did this. I just wanted to see what it would be like and if I could do it. The Worst Idea of All Time is a podcast I have been following since its creation in 2014 and it inspired this experiment and journey of self-discovery. Hosted by Auckland comedians Guy Montgomery and Tim Batt, the podcast began when they both embarked on their own journey to review Grown Ups 2 once a week for a year. They then did it again the following year with Sex and the City 2. So when they announced the final year of the podcast would consist of them watching We Are Your Friends 52 times, it certainly sparked my interest. Listening to how emotionally drained these guys were for two years in a row made me think, would watching the same movie once a week for a year really be that bad? So, I set off to discover the answer to this question myself, and after watching along with them, I come to you all now saying that the answer is 100 per cent YES, obviously, it really is that bad.

Movies aren’t made to be rewatched this many times under such a short time frame and that instantly became clear when I embarked on my experiment. And in this scenario, We Are Your Friends was made to be watched once, at most. It set records for being a complete commercial failure when it was released in 2015, having the worst box office opening OF ALL TIME for a Hollywood studio title released in 2,000 or more theatres. But did it deserve this response?

I feel like my personal opinions have evened out and I can focus purely on the quality of the film to give an honest review. People usually review something after experiencing it once which is pretty unfair as many outside factors can alter an

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Massive experience, which then may affect the review. In reality, you need to experience something multiple times to give an unbiased and ‘on-average’ review. I have experienced this movie with many differing factors. I’ve seen it with different people, in different places, with different states of mind and even with different audio and visual qualities, so I feel like I am now qualified to review it truthfully. To keep things consistent and to keep me truly concentrated, I couldn’t use my cellphone or any other devices during the watch (which was just additional torture).

The culmination of my efforts and self-torture has resulted in this. An honest, unbiased and overwhelmingly pointless review of a film you’ve probably never heard of.

Realistically, We Are Your Friends is absolutely fine. I guarantee this is no one in the world’s favourite movie, but I doubt it’s anyone’s least favourite either. To be fair, what were you expecting when the plot is an amateur DJ (Zac Efron) falls in love with his washed-up mentor’s girlfriend? Go in expecting just that, and you probably won’t be disappointed. Efron puts in a very good performance, confirming that he can act and probably should’ve been nominated for an MTV Movie Award or some other low-status movie award. Director Max Joseph (creator of MTV’s Catfish) also puts in a good effort, with decent looking cinematography and direction, but a lack of a good script and terrible, terrible pacing brings the quality down. The pacing makes the experience feel like a party if you go too hard on the pre-drinks. The start is exciting and fast paced, but the film stumbles at the midway point and comes to a sudden halt, slowing down and never coming close to recovering up until the end credits.

Considering the film is about a DJ, the EDM soundtrack also isn’t great, and the film wastes the titular We Are Your Friends song by Justice within the opening scene. But again, it’s really hard to outright hate or even dislike. There are notable highlights in the film, with Shane from the best and worst seasons of The Walking Dead showing up for a screen time of five minutes. There’s also a lady who gives fun facts about sushi and a half-assed group effort at singing Santeria which are both relatively fun while they last.

The fourth viewing had the strongest emotional impact for me; perhaps it was due to the death of ‘beloved’ character [redacted], or the reality of my situation was setting in. Other than that, this film sadly has no other emotional attachment. It gives you no reason to care at all which really made each additional viewing a chore. Watching it in a room with ten of my best friends for my thirteenth viewing was probably my favourite watch out of the 60, but even then it wasn’t that enjoyable. But I mean, how enjoyable could watching the same movie for the thirteenth time in thirteen weeks be under any circumstance?

Overall, We Are Your Friends is a perfectly fine movie but suffers drastically from terrible pacing, the lack of a meaningful message and more unforgivably; a complete waste of Zac Efron. Despite its flaws however, you realistically won’t regret spending 90 minutes of your life watching it. I’d even watch it again over many other films I’ve only seen once, which is probably the biggest compliment I could give it in this situation.

I am looking forward to drunkenly watching it for a sixty-first time P.S. We Are Your Friends also has a Marvel-like end credits scene, but unlike the Marvel movies, this one is not worth sticking around for. Unless you live for pointless and unearned positive character development as a conclusion to a film.

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MASSIVE

Artist: Francesca Vodanovich

FoEpAinTUioRnE

Unpopular Opinion: Music Concerts Writer: Aria Tongs

Music concerts. The events we risk our lives for.

The performances we drain our bank accounts for.

They’re essentially a compromise of paying big bucks to see your future husband (that you dream will pick you out of the large crowd and propose to you on the spot) and having to share the whole concert on social media platforms. Otherwise, were you really there?

I’d say the amount of concerts you have attended determines your experience and intelligence on the matter. In that case, I’m probably considered a noob when it comes to them, but I’ve attended enough to make my mind up about them. In order of attendance, I’ve seen (ignore the first two if you’re a cynic) The Wiggles, Hi-Five, Justin Bieber (Believe Tour, I’m an old-school belieber), Slash, Odesza, Ariana Grande, and Todrick Hall (YouTube him. You’re welcome), a wide range of genres now that I think about it.

With a total of seven semi-quality concerts under my belt, I can confidently say that music concerts suck.

Each individually had a major downfall – and it is my job to inform you about my experiences, and potentially save you $80 to 200 on your next ticket.

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MASSIVE

You might find after this that concerts are almost as good when watched on YouTube in the comfort of your own bed.

The Wiggles & Hi-Five: Probably the peak of childhood entertainment – the performances were professional, live, and fun. The only thing that ruined this was my gravitation towards the mosh pit at The Wiggles, and the solemn scolding I received afterwards.

Also, make sure to pack a cushion for your five-year-old to sit on in the theatre so they can see the stage. Thanks.

Justin Bieber: As iconic as this infamous 2013 performance was, I couldn’t help but feel a bit let down.

My poor father spent a whole eight hours driving from Palmerston North to Auckland with the Bieb’s hits blasting the whole way. However, the concert itself couldn’t live up to the standard we previously set in the back seats of the car, as he was an hour late to the stage, and the screams of fangirls drowned out the perfection of his lip-singed performance. Thanks JB. Regardless of this I still cried the whole time and took deep breaths of the air that I was sharing with my man.

Slash: As a kind gesture, I involuntarily attended this event with my ex. Not only was I unaware of who Slash really was, but Guns and Roses was just non-existent in my musical palette. Little did I know what I was about to endure. Middle aged men spilling beer everywhere, and big belly midriffs swayed to the indecipherably loud music – it was a bogan’s paradise. I was very much a minority in that arena.

Odesza: During my explorative second year at uni, I thought I’d try and be hip and cool, and attend a concert at San Fran. Knowing one of Odesza's songs passingly, I felt it was my calling to attend this concert.

With the success of my Wiggles mosh pit venture, I arrived about an hour early and eagerly took my spot at the front of the stage, raspberry vodka in hand. About 10 minutes before the music began the room started to fill up considerably and I was having second doubts about my assertiveness. Unluckily for me, my lack of height and actual enthusiasm to see anyone live gave way, my primo spot was granted to a heard of clucky concert goers, and I found myself at the back of the

room having a tantrum as I sipped on the last dregs of my beverage.

Ariana Grande: My queen. My one and only. The only thing that ruined this concert for me was the fact that I could only afford seats at the back of Spark Arena – and my jealousy of everyone on the floor was enough to count this as a bad experience. None of them even watched her. I could hardly see her from the back because of the amount of phones held up to record every moment by the pre-teens who had convinced their parents to spend big bucks, rather than saving every spare penny they had from their weekly student loan to even get into that arena as I had. RIP my sanity.

Todrick Hall: This was a stellar performance, and now that I think about it, I don't have much to complain about. Other than the fact that when I tell people that I went to go see him the in the mid-year break, they reply, “Who?” This concert sucked because it was completely underrated.

Despite my moaning and my seemingly unfortunate circumstances and timing with my previous concert experiences, I have just this week booked my seats for Shawn Mendes to serenade me out of my unemployment depression in November next year. But I’m having my doubts.

I think the point of going to concert should be not only to see the artist you admire, but to appreciate their music and its live imperfections – that’s what makes music good. It’s the culture of instant gratification that has influenced this phenomenon of capturing everything, so you can watch it later. But does anyone ever watch it back? The quality is shocking, and you can hardly hear the artist over the sound of your tonedeaf accompaniment. Record it as a voice memo if you have to and sit back and relax (or get trampled in the standing area if that’s more your thing).

So, Shawn, unless you’re Cole Sprouse incarnate and are putting on some sort of strip tease, I won’t be gambling my life by standing by the stage and will happily sit and cry while you do your thing. And write a story about how much I disliked the experience of it all later on.

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FEATURE

James Collinson

Candidate Profiles

Council Elections:

Candidate Profiles Nominations are now closed for the student representative on the Massey University Council and it’s time to vote!

The Massey University Council is Massey’s governing body. Council members include lay, academic and student members who are responsible for overseeing the management and control of the affairs, concerns and property of Massey University.

Whoever is elected as the student representative will have an opportunity to represent all 33,000 students across Massey’s three campuses. It is a super important role so make sure to have your say and vote.

Voting for a student representative is now open. Look at the nominees and then head check your emails for a link to cast your vote. An email has been sent to all eligible students and you should receive a voting reminder today. But make sure to be quick. Voting closes at 4pm this Friday (August 17). The new student member will be installed as a Council Member at the beginning of September.

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MASSIVE

acknowledged and championed! I have that Massey University can have, but I changing tertiary sector, the University student-driven innovation and a fresh

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Ngahuia Kirton

Ngahuia Kirton

I’m a vet student and the Welfare Executive of the Massey University Students’ Association, striving to keep my fingers firmly on the pulse of student life. It is essential to recognise the different experiences that students have, due to their mode of learning, their degree type, or many other factors.

Well-developed online learning is an essential aspect of study for many, but often papers at Massey aren’t delivering this. Extramural students don’t have easy access to the support which internal students have, so it’s vital that Stream and Portal are improved to offer different support. This will remove barriers to education for all students, whether internal and extramural.

Studying isn’t a walk in the park – students take time away from family, work and life to learn and grow. This investment has to be acknowledged and championed! I have faith in the positive impact that Massey University can have, but I am not uncritical. In the rapidly changing tertiary sector, the University Council could benefit from student-driven innovation and a fresh voice.

I ask for your vote, so I can ensure your voice is heard at the table and that Massey continues to grow and support diverse styles of learning.

I’m a vet student and the Welfare Executive U Dear fellow students,of the Massey Massey Students’ Association, striving to keep my fingers firmly on t twenty I come to you seeking re-election to M of student life. It is essential to recognise the differentbeyond exper student-elected member.

Since 2 studen that students have, due toyour their mode of learning, their degr persp Ih or many other factors. bringing students' concerns androle.

(2012) As the current president of EXMSS, yearsthe w McNab Sundaresan Well-developed online learning is an essential aspect of stud working together with the othermicrob 3 cam many, but often papers at Massey aren’t delivering this.

Extr Maithreyi Sundaresan bring a passionate devotion to helping David McNab person I am applying to be the student representative I come to you seeking re-election to Massey students don’t have easy access to the support which culmin intern on the Massey University Council for the University Council as your student-elected students have, so it’s vitalMassey that Stream and Portal University's Council hasimprov simila represe 2019/2020 term. I am 27 years old and are have member. Since 2016, I have sat on council, lifetime of experience beyond my current bringing concerns and perspectivesThis organisation Boards.

Directors need th offerstudents' different support. will remove barriers to educatio university term as a second-year BVSc student to the table. cunning) to identify and challeng I will al students, whether internalsheer and extramural. that would make me an excellent candidate As the current President of EXMSS, the butformore issues hidden Massey this role. Iso, havethe a BSc subtler Anatomy (2011) distance student association, working and PGDipSci Anatomy (2012) from the together with the other three campus-based issues can have major effects on the w univers Studying isn’t a walk in the park –ofstudents take time Otago, after which I spent four away f associations, I also bring a passionate devotion of University students, but are easily missed byap th I am working as a laboratory tofamily, helping my fellow students. work and life to learnyears and grow.

This technician investment has helping for a reference microbiology laboratory. All Massey University's Council has similar acknowledged and championed!

I have faith in the positive i throughout my academic, personal and challenges to other large organisation boards. Personally, I'm currently studying a Ma organis professional life, I Ihave taken leadership roles, Directors the insightUniversity and experience (and that need Massey can have, but am not uncritical.

In t (Management) by distance in Hamilton asset. culminating in my current role as one of the sheer cunning) to identify and challenge not changing tertiary sector, theclass University Council could benefit and havefor done representatives my year.much internal stu only the hidden issues, but more so, the subtler 2015, I will always be proud of the time I have spent small bu student-driven innovation and a fresh voice. issues hidden in plain sight! Many of these working full time empowering here at Massey University and want to do my issues can have major effects on the welfare grateful to Massey University for the le share to enhance the university experience and learning outcomes of students, but are boost my success. for everyone, both present and future.

I am I ask for your ensure your voice is heard at the easily missed by the naive.vote, so I can David

Maithreyi

applying because I would like the chance to Personally, I'm currently studying a Master of that Massey continues to grow and support diverse styles of be part of helping to make a difference. I am Business Studies (Management) by distance in mature, determined, organised and fair, and Hamilton, having graduated with BBS in 2015, feel that these qualities would be an asset. and have done much internal study before that. Also, I'm working full time empowering small businesses, and am passionately grateful to Massey University for the learnings which Dear fellow students, continually boost my success.

Your vote for me will leverage the insight, experience and professional director training I come to you seeking re-election to Massey University Coun I've already gained, and maintain a bold yourvoice student-elected student on our University's Council.member. Since 2016, I have sat on Cou

bringing students' concerns and perspectives to the table.

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As the current president of EXMSS, the distance student asso

Column

Entry 8: Wholesome memes for University Stricken Teens There is a lot to be said about a good meme. Many people relax and de-stress by having a good browse of some zesty memes. Legend has it that there are memes that will actually melt steel beams, I am yet to see such a feat.

There are many types of memes. They range from slapstick humour to the absolutely nonsensical. That’s the beauty of memes, there is no defining format. Millennial humour is something of a mystery to the older generations.

One theory suggests that memes originated from cave man times. Some of those cave paintings were the origin of modern dankness. This is just one theory. However, some believe that the birth of memes came with the dawn of the inter-webs. The significant lack of evidence to back-up these theories leads many to believe that ancient memes were actually zucc’d (Cheers Mark).

Memes are usually graded by levels of irony. The gronkest of memes usually attain a high level of irony. The creators of such memes are usually labelled ‘Ironic Lads’ or ‘Edgelords’. Many are unaware that there is actually a meme hierarchy. Levels

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of this hierarchy range from ‘Normies’ to the aforementioned Edgelords. It is definitely a hard process to ascend the hierarchy. One theory suggests that one could become a Meme God by attaining the twenty-fifth layer of Irony. However, these seventh-dimensional beings become obsessed with cubes, and use big words like “scromble” and “ubiquitous”.

Not ideal.

I enjoy many flavours of memes. From the classic Rick-Rolled memes all the way to distorted bass memes. Basically, anything with a bit of spice will suffice. After a hard day of gruelling lectures, there is nothing better than sitting down with a fresh jar of medical marmalade and enjoying a good meme review, or even your own selection of dank content.

TL;DR: There is more to memes than meets the eye. Also shout out to my meme dealers (please don’t get zucc’d)

Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer

Feature

A OR

T THE GYM A F NG

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y t i l a e r n o i s i v tele body

Writer: Florence Cohen Love Island UK is a nightly feast of pure envy. Young women gossiping lazily beside a pool they’ll never swim in; tanned, muscled men sipping loudly from personalised water bottles; all of them laughing, eyeing each other up, posing languidly. It’s exhausting, in my cold living room, attempting to feel superior and succumbing to a kind of lust. Warming my hands on microwaved tea, I watch gorgeous strangers date, bicker and lounge carelessly in the Spanish sun.

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y t i l a e r ion s i v e l te body

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For almost two months I’ve been invaded by Megan and Wes, Dani and Jack, Paul and Laura. Good heavens, I even dream about them. And what is most disappointing, when I care to analyse it, is that I want to join them. I really do.

So last Wednesday, with my hair scraped back Laura-like, and my Warehouse leggings on (the ones that leave uncovered an enticing bit of white flesh from the knee to the ankle, the bit you forget to shave), I jogged to the gym. It was a cold evening and starting to drizzle but I was ready to go hard, go full on, swing my bits or whatever it took to get the body I really, really wanted (Laura’s body, of course).

Although I had joined the gym some time back in 2016, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’d pushed through the heavy door.

I had always found it a drag, to be honest, and had enjoyed the showers and the sauna rather more than the weights. But now my incentive was to be Laura, and I picked up a couple of weights (quickly put them down) then jumped onto the bike. Fifteen minutes later I was in the sauna, then the shower, then the sauna. The next evening, after another dose of Love Island, I did the same – 30 minutes this time (plus sauna). After a week, I was up to an hour of cycling, weights, and some weird black things that

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you throw in front of you and drag back through your legs.

It felt good, if I pinched my arms hard I could feel my muscles bulging, and my bum (glute? glutes?) was – surely – just a bit tighter. Now I had a personal trainer, Fi, who sorted out a circuit for me. She seemed to understand when I gabbled my passion for Laura and Wes, and looked on approvingly when I graduated to the rowing machine.

Now that I had this slightly muscular body to nurture, I knew I had to fill it with strange proteins and whey-filled bars with names that sounded like chocolates I wanted but would never be able to have.

For inspiration I turned to Runners World, the Cosmo of the fit woman, filled with meal plans for the ultra-marathon runner I felt I would one day have to become. Dinner had gone from warm comforting pastas to small, harsh bowls of salad.

By now, I was walking differently. Head held high – tossing the hair just a bit – and thinking about blonde possibilities, something to give the mouse mop a bit of shine. But there were disappointments. My abdomen ached from holding my stomach in (it refused to go in Laura’s direction), and – I can hardly bear to say this – something happened to my legs.

Let’s be clear, my legs are short. No amount of

Massive

pumping will make them longer. But for years they’ve had that soft, rather pathetic look, the fatty wrinkle round the knee, the shapeliness of a tree-trunk. I was excited, as I ran and cycled and lunged and jumped, to see what nature had in store – perhaps a prominent, twitching tendon, or even a few knots in the calf?

It was prominent all right. I saw it as I moved past the mirror, then stopped, and came back for a closer look. I swiveled round, tried a different angle, then paused to consider the awful truth.

One leg was bigger than the other.

I ran to Fi, who was sluicing the showers. Calmly, with the hose seeking out clumps of hair and tampon cases, she explained that athletes (huh!) often ‘suffer an imbalance’ when they exercise, and Roger Federer has one arm twice the size of the other. She switched off the hose and bluntly told me to move the other leg a bit more.

With a personal trainer who was more amused than concerned at my horror of lopsidedness, I went home feeling exhausted and deflated. Sitting down with a hunk of cheese (I’d seen Laura do it too and she seemed to have normal, equal legs), I covered my sorry pins with a blanket. When Anthony (partner) later asked why they were hidden, I

whispered a careful “one is bigger than the other”.

To which he replied, “I already know”. I ate a lot that evening.

Sadly, that is where my gym-fest ended. Fast forward a week and I’m watching the final of Love Island. Laura tosses her hair and Paul admires her taut body. They do nothing apart from drop into the pool and pose on the loungers - are they exercising in the background? Do they work out all night? And what does it really take to get a body like that? These people are effortlessly enticing. I had exercised every major muscle, dieted, and bought expensive magazines for the tips and the recipes.

And all I had – so it seemed – was an uneven, probably undesirable body.

OK, so a two-month experiment isn’t going to make me into Laura. But the fact is, it didn’t even take me half way, it didn’t give me Laura’s beautifully formed (and even) legs or Megan’s shoulders, and my stomach still protruded.

Perhaps the worst of it is that Love Island (like a bad boyfriend) is still causing me sleepless nights.

When I look in the mirror I’m always disappointed that Laura isn’t smiling back. Of course, in time, Love Island will go from our screens. But I am sure – I would lay my gym membership on it – that it will be replaced by another brainless, endlessly alluring set of young things, somewhere on an illusory island.

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FEATURE

thunder storm

What thunderstorm are you, To make me consider Abandoning all leaves To the wind?

You howl at my door And whisper through the cracks, Rattle the windows Whilst the door’s wide open, It’s always been.

You play, This self-centred tug of war With one as equally self-centred As your ego.

Should you have everything you want, because your wealthy?

And should I have everything I want, because I’m pretty?

I wait for the lesson Cold, frustrated, To learn my lesson, But the answer’s Been lost on the wind.

Meanwhile…

We try to have our cake And eat it too One great gluttonous engorgement That makes us feel sick Yet strangely satisfied.

Like the Romans We purge ourselves And start all over again My sweet thunderstorm.

Writer: Layal Moore

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COLUMN

the UNLONELY woman Taking the 'back door'

Let’s talk holes yea? No, I don’t mean the movie, but on that note Shia LeBeouf honestly I will always have a wet spot for him. But let’s not get sidetracked. Let’s talk anal. In all honesty I feel like this column is the most intimate one for me to write.

Because well I’ve never written about it. Yes, I’ve talked about a finger in the butt and how that’s just like a suction plug in its self. But add a dick in there literally and it’s a whole other ball game. I mean for one a dick tends to in most cases be bigger than a finger.

But here’s the thing I’ve noticed. Anal sex has become a whole lot more popular in the last few years. Honestly every British dude I’ve dated always wants to have anal as well. It’s like what? So, turns out it’s pretty big over there as I’ve found out. But it makes me wonder is anal sex the new type of sex? If so what’s it’s like and what do we need to know.

So of course, like any of these columns I will share my own experience because well I am not bout that making up shit. I will say I am glad that this is anonymous because dang would I get a lot a weird looks at uni.

So, let’s set the scene. Well I was seeing this guy let’s just call him Twick for the sake of this story. I was seeing Twick and I was staying at his house one night. Now

I am going to be completely real with you guys the red river was flowing I mean it was shark week and that shit was heavy.

Twick always went on about anal and I always said no. Because I had never done it. But I’ll tell you this I was hella horny that night. I’m not going to lie. So, I said yes. Twick had done it a few times in the past so he knew what he was doing.

He was no amateur that was about to smash it in dry. Because do not ever fucking do that. You will hurt yourself and he will hurt himself. So, he layered up that lube like any good boy would.

He eased his way in and that was it. Now that shit was tight. I mean my vagina is tight because well Kegels boo. But damn this was a whole other level. After a while you loosen up and get used to it. Before we knew it Twick was done. But I wasn’t because well, I can’t get off from just sex. It’s all about oral for me. Now like I said this boy knew what he was doing.

He pulled out very slowly because well suction plug. I ran to the toilet and there is no other way to put this, but I shat out cum. I actually can’t sugar coat this column. I have to be real with you. This dude didn’t even have a cum towel which all well prepared men will have…men take note. If in doubt cum towel it out.

Now after this happened I told my friends (like you do). But here’s the

thing, one of these friends then told other people who told other people and so on. Next thing you know there was a rumor going around that I only liked anal. Now this didn’t go around for a month. This went around for years. On top of that I could not shit for days. I go to the toilet like clockwork, so my bum did not like it one bit. Honestly even now I hate anal. It’s just not for me. I didn’t enjoy it and it did not turn me on.

Now I have been asked to do anal since this and I’ve always said no. Would I have it again in the future? I would but on certain terms, for example if I had a partner and he wanted to try it. But I would not have anal with some dude that I was just dating. I mean I even hate a finger in my ass let alone a dick.

So, my conclusion you may ask? Well lube that fucking shit up. Only do what you are comfortable with. Never let anyone pressure you into something you don’t feel comfortable with. Men now for you. Don’t just ram that shit in there and do not go in dry boo. And that pull out hun? Slowly but surely is key and have a fucking cum towel no one wants to clean up shit and cum on the floor as ya sis or sir is running to the toilet.

For more like this head to www.theunlonelywoman.com.

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COLUMN

Well hi there, the other day I found a $100 note on the floor of my step brother’s sister's rest home. I was over the moon, I instantly thought of all the jugs I was going to sink at the fucking Welsh Dragon on the upcoming weekend.

But then I thought, maybe I should hand it in to the desk. Fuck it I thought, and I went and got fucked up with my bromies. Did I make a bad decision?

Why yes, yes you did. You really should have handed in the money, karma is going to get you bad my bro, I would honestly be so bloody concerned.

My sister once walked under a ladder and then got malaria the next day, be careful – GC

The other day I fell over on the way home from lawn bowls practice. I broke both of my legs and even one of my arms. I really want to go to Bay Dreams later in the year, however, I don’t think that I am going to be ready by December to froth the fuck out. What on Earth should I do?

Smash back a bottle of paracetamol, grab your good attitude, and go to the rave. The Migos are even headlining, how good is that, no point missing out due to being a bitch. I’ll see you there, I will have my siren on - BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

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COLUMN

Google vs.

God Issue TWO: To keep or not to keep In an ever-expanding global community of acceptance and knowledge, two opinions remain.

Left vs right. Agnostic vs Christian.

Science vs spirituality. But what happens when these opinions collide, and the two sides agree for once? Two students, both alike in career vision and identity, but from opposing upbringings and households, discuss a different topic each issue from both perspectives, ‘Google vs God’.

Profiles:

Google Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Agnostic

God Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Christian

Next Issue: We discuss controversial relationships, Google vs. God style.

yes you CANNABIS...

google

god

The first time I encountered marijuana I was 13 years old, and I did not smoke it for medical reasons. I was having a midlife crisis and I thought getting high in a public toilet with my best friend before my ballet class at 4.20pm was a great idea. It wasn’t. That same friend ended up getting expelled from my high school a year later for possession, and I never touched weed again. Until I went to uni.

Never have I ever smoked anything other than ventolin. Even during my adventurous second year of uni I chickened out of smoking weed with my peers because of the looming potential asthma attack. Let’s all join together in prayer for my lungs. But in all seriousness, what does God think of both medical and recreational drugs?

While all the ‘good girls’ at high school were as high as a kite, I was treating my body as a temple – the best condition physically and mentally to have a healthy relationship with J Crizzle. This story initiated another call via 0800 PRAYER (free line, check it out), as I was caught at a crossroad. With medical marijuana becoming more legitimate everyday, is it still looked down upon by us Bible bashers? I’ve been taking painkillers my whole life – from Pamol to Panadol Rapid Soluble, how is medical marijuana any different? He responded to me: The ultimate high is in heaven.

And as gosh darn crazy as that sounds, I agree with him. If you are searching for un-prescribed medication to take your mind off pain, you should ultimately be taking it up with the big man upstairs, only He can help medical marijuana make it through our legal system, if that is the future he envisions for New Zealand. Unless you’re Miley Cyrus, and you have a weed shrine you pray to every night for medical marijuana to pull through in your time of need. I say take it up with JC.

Everyone knows university is a time for experimentation and oh boy did I experiment. My first year was a cocktail of bad decisions, procrastination, and weed. Unfortunately for me, whenever I smoked I was also completely smashed, usually thanks to Kristov or Scrumpy (I’m a classy lady), so I couldn’t tell you what smoking weed is like, to be honest.

What I can tell you about is my opinion on medical marijuana.

Between my first and second experiences getting high, in my hometown a petition for legit medical marijuana to be used for the first time in New Zealand was started, with hopes of saving the life of a boy in a coma. Having only thought of marijuana as an illegal recreational activity, the idea of using a drug for good was eye-opening. In the years following, I have seen countless videos about the benefits of medical marijuana, and I reckon it’s a bloody good idea. I still have to commit to an alcohol-free weekend to figure the recreational side out, though.

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Column

Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Sleep and Meditation Apps Writer: Kasharn Rao

I thought it was going to be pleasant. I was really hoping that amidst the pandemonium I could have one nice and simple issue where I wouldn’t have to subject myself to chilli peppers, hair removal, or other detrimental escapades that will forever mark a timeline of my stupidity.

Just this once, I was going to try something easy. How bad could sleep and meditation apps be?

Sleep and uni go together like Disney and James Gunn’s Twitter. It’s an interesting concept if you think about it.

How about I just press my body against padded springs and hallucinate vividly for hours until I hear a deathly ringing tone?

Yet as weird as that may be, we all know what happens when we don’t stick to it. Crawling home at 4.24am after a night out on the town isn’t so bad, you can live through that despite the eventual union strike your organs will have when you’re older. But it’s the stacking night after night, the wasting away in front of your screen until you collapse, that is what gets the sleep deprivation train chugging. Don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you off, I’m guilty of bad sleep hygiene myself and I certainly don’t give a whisper of a fuck about your routine. If you want to binge Rupaul’s Drag Race until you hear birds chirping, then good luck and don’t fuck it up.

The first app to add misery to my life was a standard ‘Sleep Sounds’ app, which usually contains ASMR tracks intended to help your mind relax. They might

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remind you of calming environments like a train ride, or in this case, a haunted cabin in the woods. Like most people I enjoy nodding off to the relaxing sounds of creaking wood, ghostly wind, and dying embers. I thought it was a joke at first, but other sounds included a dripping cave, a barren desert, and the United States Bill of Rights narrated by Alex Jones.

In terms of missing the point, ‘Sleep Sounds’ could have been an Olympic gold medallist, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to commit to it. So, for the next week I attempted sleeping with these tracks playing, and now not only am I grumpier than ever, I’ve also started having weird dreams about homosexual frogs with guns.

The second app was ‘Sleep Cycle,’ which attempts to measure your pattern of sleep and determine the best time to wake you up in the morning. Unfortunately, ‘never’ isn’t an available option.

Your pattern of sleep consists of five stages, ranging from light sleep at stage one to deep sleep at stage four, to REM (Rapid Eye Movement Sleep) at stage five.

Transitioning through all five stages takes about 90120 minutes, which you cycle through about four times a night. Waking during light stage sleep is good, you feel more rested, and less likely to murder the first face that isn’t offering you coffee. Waking during deep sleep is bad, you feel groggy, disoriented, and unprepared for- I swear to god if he brags about his gains at the gym this morning one more time, I’m going to yeet that

massive

muppet out the fucking window! ‘Sleep Cycle’ listens to your breathing, measures these cycles, and attempts to wake you in the highest peak of your light sleep before a predetermined time. Oh goodie, you think. I can start my day like a normal person with self-control. Sorry for the wake-up call sunshine, but ‘Sleep Cycle’ doesn’t quite live up to its claims.

Firstly, it measures all incoming sound, so flatmates having showers at 1am will convince it that you’re wide awake, when really, you’re having a nice dream about affordable housing. Secondly, it doesn’t seem to care about how long you’ve been asleep and will joyfully wake you earlier than any noble person should have to endure. Thirdly, it has the attitude to inform you of the quality level of your sleep, because apparently, I can’t deduce on my own that it was a rough night without a fat 23 per cent sign on the screen.

They say there’s an app for everything, well if you wanted one that wakes you up during deep sleep stages, wakes you up at 4am, and insults your intelligence, then look no farther than ‘Sleep Cycle.’

Our third app is ‘Headspace,’ a relatively well-known app for managing stress. ‘Headspace’ encourages you with cute little animations to spend a few minutes of your day meditating, using their step by step program.

I’m not doubting that some people probably find this really helpful at managing their mental health, but I had an incident. It began after a night or so, in which I was serenely meditating to the sound of a voice

belonging to Andy, the app’s ‘personality’. Andy seems like a chill guy, bit boring, but someone you could count on to give you a lift when the bus doesn’t show up due to unforeseen circumstances. As Andy instructed me to let my mind wander away from the busy highway of my thoughts, the lack of sleep I had built up from the previous two apps caught up with me, and I started to fall asleep.

Being woken by a male voice right next to your ear telling you not to run into the oncoming traffic is not exactly relaxing, and being half asleep, I immediately rolled to my left to avoid vehicular doom, only to tumble out of bed and smack my head against the bedside table. Of course, it was just Andy droning on about how we shouldn’t rush out into the highway of our thoughts. However metaphorical you are Andy, you’re still a piece of shit.

Remarkably, I did have a spacey head afterwards, so perhaps ‘Headspace’ did its job after all.

I give all three apps a collective score of 1/5 Nefarious Alarm Clocks, therefore they’re all Shit Scams.

Next Issue - Make a Wish

39

REVIEWS

Movie Review TV Show Review Mamma Mia – Here we go Good Girls (2018–) again (2018)

Here we go again is an apt name for the film - I actually liked the first one, but this sequel was pretty embarrassing.

The film takes place five years after Mamma Mia (2008), with Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) reopening her mother Donna’s hotel on an exotic Greek island after her mother’s death. It has a split focus, with half of the film devoted to young Donna (Lily James) and how she came to the island and had Sophie. The other half is devoted to Sophie’s new life and the baby she is having in the same place as her mum. Salvageable was the casting of the young Donna and young versions of Sophie’s three fathers. Young Bill (Josh Dylan) has the most amazing blue eyes – it’s almost worth watching the film just for those.

Film makers definitely hit the B-side of the Abba song list, as my mum aptly commented “what the f**k is this song?” Obviously they used all the catchy tunes in the first film. My favourite (read: cringiest) moment was when Grandma (Cher) stepped out of the plane, saw her old lover Fernando and promptly sang Fernando.

What a coincidence her lover was named after an Abba song huh! I would still go to see it for the laughter. But to those who think with their wallet when going to the movies I would skip this one – Emma Rzepecky.

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A show that says hey look girls can do everything guys can do, even lead lives of crime! Yay girl power!

Although having a silly premise, the show does have an entertainment factor that allowed me to get through all 10 episodes for this review.

Good Girls is based on three mothers, Annie (Mae Whitman), Beth (Christina Hendricks) and Retta (Ruby Hill), who are in one way or other struggling for money. They resort to robbing the grocery store where Annie works, but trip into a much larger kettle of fish when a criminal gang gets involved. Thus beginning a ten-episode streak of continual crime that they could easily walk away from.

The girls bounce from one self-centred destructive man to another. It leaves the plot giving the message that men are bad, even ones who do good things and women are good, even ones that do bad things. Unfortunately I found the three female leads completely unlovable – they’re just kind of dumb. Overall, it’s a poorly made show, and doesn’t really think of the implications of robbing $500,000 USD from a grocery store with ‘guns’ and how hard the FBI would come down on you for that. But if you suspend your disbelief, it can be an entertaining show at times – Emma Rzepecky.

COLUMN

Booked In: Chapter Nine The Magicians

A couple years ago I watched the first season of The Magicians, based on Lev Grossman’s novel of the same name. It was entertaining, but otherwise average, so I had middling expectations for the book. However, the similarities between show and book are vague at best. I prefer the book.

Quentin Coldwater, a brilliant student on the cusp of graduating high school, is obsessed with the Fillory and Further books (aka Narnia). Bleakly anticipating the slog of oncoming adulthood, Quentin wants nothing more than to escape to the magical, if fictional, world of Fillory.

Instead, he stumbles into Brakebills, a highly competitive university for magic.

For better or worse, Quentin’s new life begins.

The New York Times’ review referred to The Magicians as “Harry Potter for adults,” and I fully blame this label for the less-thanstellar public reception (despite positive critical reception) of a perfectly brilliant novel. Most of the negative reviews I’ve read are basically: “What! It’s not Harry Potter? I feel outraged and betrayed because my tastes are linear therefore this book is terrible!”

I feel it’s my duty to state, right here and now, that The Magicians is not, in fact, Harry Potter featuring sex, swearing, and alcohol. The similarities end at “boy discovers magic is real and goes to magic school”. Quentin Coldwater is not Harry Potter. Where Harry is brave and virtuous, Quentin is selfpitying, self-absorbed, and constantly

laments his own misery, unable to be happy even when he gets exactly what he wants—magic. It’s actually a good lesson for those of us who never got our Hogwarts letters. Quentin isn’t likeable because he’s good, but because he’s human. Plus, if you’re reading this, you’re most likely a uni student. Through such a lens, plenty of Quentin’s struggles are familiar, as are many of his classmates.

Despite Grossman’s evident skill and creativity with the written word, he spends many a page on perambulatory introspection, which I could understand getting fed up with. It’s not something I mind, myself, but even so: The Magicians is not a quick read. The pacing is a bit odd, too, but sheer hilarity more than makes up for it—dry, sarcastic, unexpected quips and absurdities which legitimately made me laugh out loud. Oh, and the foreshadowing! I often complain about obvious foreshadowing, but The Magicians presented me with a particular incident, foreshadowed so skilfully I didn’t even realise it had been foreshadowed until a couple hours later.

Something The Magicians really does have in common with Harry Potter, I suppose, is that the book is better than the movie—or, in this case, TV show - Peri Miller.

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COLUMN

Music Review Emma Louise Lilac Everything

I’m not sure how I first heard about Australian indie-pop artist Emma Louise, but I fell in love with her song Underflow on her album Supercry in 2016.

You might recognise her song Jungle that was played on a Yves Saint Laurent fragrance ad on television. I hadn’t heard much else from her or heard any news about her until now - and what a change from her indie-pop music to now pitching down her voice on her new song Wish You Well on her forthcoming third album Lilac Everything.

It’s driven by piano and minimal instruments with a lot of emphasis on the vocals. Apparently, the vocals on the entire record have been pitched down, and as a music student, I’m happy for her because she’s doing something different and out of the ordinary, something that I didn’t think was a possibility.

It’s also a very beautiful record, especially the song Mexico - it sounds almost like a Lana Del Rey song (in terms of instrumentation, obviously not the vocals). What Louise is doing is pretty bold, and such a shift for her, and I’m digging it. She is totally stripping down anything recognisable of herself and being really bad-ass.

The record is set to be released on September 14 with a total of 10 songs, so you’ll have to sit tight and wait for the rest, but just from these two songs, I know it’ll be a great one. I hope this album gets the attention that it deserves.

OPENS 16 AUGUST

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WWW.LIGHTHOUSECINEMA.CO.NZ

FROM THE

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COLUMN

Kia koutou Soon you’ll be seeing a new face here!

At the end of August, I’m moving on from MUSA to begin work advocating for tenants and renters right throughout the Manawatū and handing over to Nga our amazing Welfare Officer to take up the reigns as MUSA President.

From organising your chill times for Stress Free Study Week through to campaigning for improving student mental health, Nga has been an outstanding Welfare Officer and will continue to work hard as President!

Not only that, she’s our first vet student President in a long time.

It’s also that time of year to start looking for flats. Know your rights, and if

COOL BEANS

Ben

This warm simple salad utilises in-season vegetables and is sure to keep away the winter blues. Try subbing in pan-fried tofu instead of beef to make this meal vegan-friendly. Israeli couscous provides a texture like no other and gives this meal the beefy-ness (no pun intended) salads often lack.

Cajun Beef Salad with Lydia Hill

Ingredients: ½ pumpkin, cut into small even cubes 1 zucchini, cut into discs ½ cup frozen peas (or more if you prefer) ½ cup of green beans, cut into quarters ½ cup Israeli couscous

you’re getting a hard time talk to your friendly MUSA Advocate or the team at the Manawatū Tenants’ Union. Most contracts say you need professional carpet cleaning before moving out. This is not enforceable, as long as the carpet is reasonably clean you are fine. Take move in and move-out photos to prove it. It’s rights and top tips like these that will make your renting experience better.

Don’t hesitate to drop by whether you’re having a hard time, have some great ideas, or just want a chat. Our door is always open.

100g of beef chuck steak, cut into equally thin slices 2 tbsp olive oil 2 tbsp Cajun spice mix ½ tbsp garlic paste salt and pepper to taste fresh parsley to garnish

Directions: Pre-heat oven to 180C, and line a baking sheet with baking paper. Prepare the pumpkin by carefully removing the green skin and cutting the flesh into small equal cubes. Par-boil the cubes in boiling water for about 3-4 minutes or until slightly soft. Drain the pumpkin and let it sit for about 10 minutes.

Place the cubes onto the baking sheet and coat evenly with olive oil, and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. Bake for around 40 minutes or until the pumpkin is golden and tender. Cook the Israeli couscous per instructions on the packet. Heat pan on medium heat and coat with olive oil. Heat Cajun spice mix and garlic until fragrant. Coat beef in the spice mix and panfry for 5-6 minutes or until cooked throughout and crispy on the edges. Throw in the roasted pumpkin, zucchini, peas and beans and cook for a further 5-6 minutes. In the pan, combine the meat and veg with the Israeli couscous and serve garnished with fresh parsley.

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Puzzles

MASSIVE QUIZ

If you don’t get at least 70% of this right, we will be slightly concerned.

1. Which sea creature has three hearts?

2. Whose face was said to have launched 100 ships?

3. What was Marilyn Monroe’s natural hair colour?

4. What is one quarter of 1000?

5. What superhero has been played by Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney and Christian Bale?

6. Who did Matthew Perry play in Friends?

7. Who voiced the Genie in Disney’s Aladdin?

8. Where is the world’s most visited site?

9. What is the Roman symbol for the number 50?

10. What word connects pressure, cook, atmosphere and blood?

Can you SUDOKU? A little brain warm up before your classes. I like to take as long as I can so I’m late to important business with a valid excuse – I was being smart.

First-thing-in-the-morning difficulty:

A wake up for your weekly all-nighter:

1. An octopus, 2. Helen of Troy, 3. Ginger, 4. 250, 5. Batman, 6. Chandler, 7. Robin Williams, 8. The Eiffel Tower, 9. L, 10. Pressure

GUESS? WHO

Guess who answer: Henry Cavill

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HOT OR NOT? HOT: MAWSA Ball

HOT: Sweetener out this week

HOT: YikYak

HOT: Allbirds

NOT: Hades NOT:Twitter

NOT: Pauls vs. KSI & Deji

NOT: Iceblocks

humour Cancer – Feta Jun 22 – Jul 23

Horoscoping you out.

Forget those unreliable Buzzfeed quizzes. I am the true authority on cheese astrology. Keep reading to find out what cheesy snack your mum enjoyed while you were in utero.

Leo – Pepper Jack Jul 24 – Aug 23 Pepper Jack is aromatic, dramatic and spicy just like loyal Leo lion. You protec, you attac, but most importantly, you a tasty snac.

Aquarius – Swiss Cheese Jan 21 – Feb 19

Virgo – Brie Aug 24 – Sep 23

Just like the North American style Swiss, you’re a little unconventional and rebellious. The sweet taste reflects your humanitarian side and just like this cheese that’s covered in eyes (technical term for the holes fyi) you’re all-seeing and always know what the tea is.

Known as the queen of the cheeses, Brie is a little bit bougie, a little bit boring, but still well loved by all. It’s practical, no fuss and a welcome addition to any party.

Pisces – Ricotta Feb 20 – Mar 20 As a friendly, compassionate sign, you’re best suited to a fluffy, lightly salted Ricotta. Just like a Pisces grudge, this cheese won’t last long much longer than a week once opened.

Aries – Cheddar Mar 21 – Apr 20 This mature English cheese variety is almost as hard and dense as an Aries. Powerful enough to be eaten alone, it’s ideal for this independent fire sign, with a sharp flavour that tastes of competitiveness distilled from a lifetime of sibling rivalry and perfectionism.

Eat up.

Taurus – Gouda Apr 21 – May 21 It’s always a gouda time when there’s a Taurus around. They’re solid, reliable and earthy, just like this nutty Dutch cheese, and I’m not just saying this because my mum is one.

Gemini – Camembert May 22 – Jun 21 Everyone loves camembert just like everyone loves you Gemini, you big flirt. It’s a little bit saucy, goes great with wine, and like the soul of an air sign, that smooth creamy filling can’t be easily contained.

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Ripping open a block of feta is just easy as ripping into a heart to heart with a Cancer, arguably the most emotional sign. They’re soft and salty and so is the cheese.

Libra – Mozzarella Sep 24 – Oct 23 Known as the sign of harmony and balance, Libra mums totally dined on the fresh, supple treat that is Mozzarella. Now you’re a flexible, peaceful, young people pleaser, being pulled in all kinds of directions by your desire to avoid conflict and confrontation.

Thanks mum?

Scorpio – Parmesan Oct 24 – Nov 23 Shit’s bitter with this one. Sharp just like the Scorpio sting. But parmesan also has a lot of strength, passion and power behind it, transforming that mediocre pasta and pesto combo into a memorable gourmet meal that you’ll want to eat again and again until you hate it?

Sagittarius – Halloumi Nov 23 – Dec 22 Sagittarius is famously adventurous and energetic so it only makes sense that this squeaky little cheese would do. It’s springy, refreshing and loves to be fried like a Sag on the rocks of some Mediterranean coastline.

Capricorn – Gruyere Dec 23 – Jan 20 Just like you, this cheese is hard, stubborn and a little conservative, no shade. But beneath that brown rind is a complex fruity flavour and a humble heart. Aw.

FEATURE

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