Massive: Issue 03 'Love'

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS

A EST. 2012

LOVE

ISSUE THREE A MONDAY 11TH MARCH

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LOVE

01. EDITORIAL | ETITA 02. NEWS | KAWE PŪRONGO 50% OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY PROPERTY TO BE

04. SOLD OR LEASED, SAYS VICE CHANCELLOR 06.

ENGINEERING STUDENTS RUN FAR FROM MASSEY AFTER COURSE CUTS

MISSING LECTURE RECORDINGS LEAVE STUDENTS

08. LEARNING OFF POWERPOINT SLIDES 09. MASSEY GRADS SHOWCASED IN UNIQUE EXHIBITION 09. NEW MUSIC FROM MASSEY ALUMNI ARTIST GRIM!

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03. FEATURES | AHUATANGA THE 15TH CENTURY MĀORI ‘ONE NIGHT STAND’

10. THAT CAUSED WAR BETWEEN IWIS

12. "I'M JUST A JIM LOOKING FOR MY PAM" US ELECTION TWITTER DEBATES 14. HOW FOUND ME MY LEPRECHAUN LOVER

18. HELP! I KEEP FALLING FOR FICTIONAL MEN!

04. COLUMNS | TĪWAE 22.

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ABOUT US

SEXCAPADES

RAMMING WITH FERGUS

THAT'S COOKED.

05. HOROSCOPES 06. PUZZLES | PANGA

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Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

NZ Media Council: Those with a complaint towards the publication should first complain in writing to the editor editor@massivemagazine.org.nz If unsatisfied with the response, complaints should be made to the NZ Media Council info@mediacouncil.org.nz

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MASSIVE

This magazine is made from a mixture of paper from FSC-certified forests and other controlled material.

Printed by a Toitu carbon zero certified company.

EDITORIAL

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LOVE

LIVE, LAUGH... BIBBLE

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hat fuzzy blue and pink fairy puffball is the love of my life. Barbie may have Bibble by her side in Fairytopia, but she’ll never appreciate him like I do.

Growing up, I had a Bibble toy that when you pressed on its stomach, it would shake and make noises. It was lowkey demonic. But it brought my dream sidekick into my arms.

I would cradle him and listen while he bitched about Barbie back in Fairytopia and her wings that always changed. It was very confusing for him, always following her from behind.

I moved onto a Bibble blanket after my dog broke the toy.

I would snuggle that blanket so hard, I could almost hear Bibble singing me to sleep. The blanket kept me warm and happy until my sister used it for a backyard picnic and stained Bibble’s precious face with Ribena.

My sister repaid me when a couple of years ago she made me a Bibble jacket. Bibble became embroidered into my world once again, and I welcomed him with open arms.

At the ripe age of 21, my Bibble jacket sits on its hanger on my Facebook Marketplace clothes rack. He is the guardian puffball over my room, my flat and my life.

—Love, Sammy.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR S IS APPARENTLY DUMPSTER DIVA DIARIE KNOW HOW 'FICTIONAL', I'D LOVE TO PERHAPS I'LL FICTIONAL IT REALLY IS. MPSTER DIVA IN HER CATCH THIS YOUNG DU XT DIVING SESSION. LULULEMON ON MY NE

WHOEVER SENT IN LAST WEEKS SEXCAPADE ABOUT USING A CARROT AS A DILDO—ARE YOU OKAY?

SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER WITH A DIG

MASSIVE

AT MASSEY'S VC JAN THOMAS

#NAILEDIT #NOTHAPPYJAN

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02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

11TH MARCH 2024

ISSUE THREE

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

50% OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY PROPERTY TO BE SOLD OR LEASED, SAYS VICE CHANCELLOR WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

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n staff forums last week, Massey University vice chancellor Jan Thomas said she wants to downsize the university space by half, despite

only having around 25% of free space.

“Yes, land is an investment but at the moment we need to leverage that asset to get us through this particularly challenging time.”

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The university is under financial pressure with a budget deficit of around $40 million for 2023.

She said the university owns a diverse range of space, some of which will be examined to see if it can be divested.

Late last year, the university sent out a proposal request for realty partners to assist in selling and

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02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO VICE CHANCELLOR JAN THOMAS WAS APPOINTED IN 2017 AND HER TERM ENDS IN 2027.

PHOTO / MASSEY UNIVERSITY

leasing over $150 million worth of property from all three campuses. The document did not list 50% of Massey property.

"I want to make sure that Massey is really strong and successful so that in 50 years' time, 100 years' time, we’re still able to provide education for New Zealanders".

Thomas said space was underutilised due to a drop in student numbers and staff working from home.

Since 2023 Massey University has cut 280 staff — the single largest layoff in New Zealand university history.

“I cannot ever rule out that we won't engage in some staff reduction.”

The Government cut five major universities’ funding by $53 million last year due to a drop in student numbers, especially international students.

Thomas said she had lobbied for more funding from the Government.

“They are very clear on the financial challenges that the universities in New Zealand face.”

“The constant decline in government funding for universities is really impacting our capacity to do what I know New Zealanders expect us to do.”

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02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

ENGINEERING STUDENTS RUN FAR FROM MASSEY AFTER COURSE CUTS ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

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ngineering students flock to other universities after the Massey course was cut in Albany late last year and the Manawatū course is on its way out.

Engineerinng students who have one year or less left can continue their degree at Massey, however, many have transferred to Auckland University, Canterbury University, Waikato University and UCOL Polytechnic.

Engineering student Jared Hill transferred to Canterbury saying he found the limited updates over summer extremely aggravating.

He felt this especially affected students who were taking summer school classes at the time of the announcement.

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Hill said, “The cuts mean I must leave behind friends and family for my degree. I love what I study, I am not afraid to continue what I love.”

“Massey offered to pay us out for any inconveniences faced by moving out, but it will never be enough.”

Ray Geor pro vice chancellor College of Sciences said, ''we wanted this to be as open and transparent a process as possible''.

Geor said the university communicated the changes ''every step of the way'' through email, social media updates, Q&A sessions and its website.

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@masseyuni on Instagram posted four times regarding the College of Sciences change, all of which did not give any concrete updates, directing students to its website.

Geor was grateful to universities for working alongside Massey to develop options for students who wanted to transfer.

Wendy Carr, Te Tira Ahu Pae’s general manager took third year students to an IT industry breakfast in October, which allowed students to talk to industry leaders about the cuts.

“Massey supported students to remain in place and to complete the summer school courses by distance to relieve any pressure on a move before the beginning of 2024.”

Carr said business owners were frustrated about the lack of consideration given to their workforce pipeline, many of whom take on interns and graduate engineers from Massey.

Course and staff cuts had affected master's student Martin Allen, causing him to lose his ''superstar'' supervisor and research progress.

She said there were many local businesses that had chosen to base themselves in Manawatū due to the types of programmes offered at Massey.

He had thoughts of finishing his studies in Canterbury or abroad but decided to stay as he's almost finished his course. ''It will be very challenging”.

Nelson Harper, Engineering graduate and Palmy business Precycle owner, said the cuts meant interns and graduates were harder to find.

Harper said, “Big companies like Greentech, or Levno are stationed in Palmerston North because of the engineering students and play a big part in Palmerston North’s GDP. Many startups rely on a flow of local interns and graduates.”

"Many were mystified that no consideration had been given to the ramifications of these cuts.''

One business told Carr it would have to reconsider relocating to either Auckland or Christchurch to ensure they had a connection to a university.

Students were recommended to look at the College of Sciences proposal for change website for further information.

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02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

MISSING LECTURE RECORDINGS LEAVE STUDENTS LEARNING OFF POWERPOINT SLIDES WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

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istance study at Massey University is not as flexible as expected, as a Massive poll found 52% of distance student's lectures aren't always recorded.

Distance student Kimberly Knight said instead of recorded lectures, she was provided with a copy of PowerPoint slides and lecture notes used for internal lectures.

The average 15 credit distance paper costs around $883 at Massey.

Despite Massey's website stating its distance education “combine[s] pioneering technology with the latest research”, students who did have access to recorded lectures often found the recordings were several years old.

Improving distance resources appeared to be a major concern with over 48% of distance students saying improving the quality of distance courses was important, another 32% stating it was a priority.

Some distance courses required students to attend online lectures or tutorials at set times.

Distance student Kat Kalynchuk said, “There seems to be the idea that distance students don’t log in for lectures because they are lazy or can’t be bothered. This is outdated and wrong."

The lack of recorded lectures created a logistical nightmare for those who were working full time or had children.

“Distance students have jobs and families and responsibilities that are just as important as their studies.”

Flynn O’Hallahan, student association distance vice president, said students were being forced online due to recent staff and course cuts.

Students looking for extra support found that Massey’s off-campus library services were useful, with after-work events and access to full-text electronic journal articles on offer.

"Yet they [Massey] aren’t putting any extra effort towards rectifying the issues of course quality in the distance space".

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Massey University was asked to comment, however, did not provide a response.

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MASSEY GRADS SHOWCASED IN UNIQUE EXHIBITION

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rtists on Artists is a group portraiture show where each artist is the subject of another artist’s work — like links in a chain.

After two successful years in Auckland, this year the showcase is focused on artists from Wellington. The exhibition will open on the 14th of March at Twentysix in Wellington.

The audience will follow the artwork around the exhibition to see how each artist has painted, photographed and created work of another artist.

The exhibition shines a light on the artists and puts them in the frame as the subject.

Curator and exhibiting artist, Lindsey Horne said, “It’s a strange feeling to have the tables turned. As an artist you’re so used to working

with subjects, directing them, photographing them, painting them, observing them.

Now you’re on the receiving end of that.”

She was inspired by the late photographer Marti Friedlander who took photographs of artists.

"She made me realise that artists make fascinating subjects, but they’re often behind the canvas or behind the frame.”

The annual exhibition features established and emerging artists such as photographer Felix Jackson, zine artist Ali Pang / AAPPA-PAPPA, Adam Portraiture Award finalist Waiāio Ngā Mōrehu Elkington, and Molly Morpeth Canaday finalist Bonnie Wroe.

NEW MUSIC FROM MASSEY ALUMNI ARTIST GRIM!

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ndependent artist grim! tackles lust, toxic relationships and gender dynamics in their new singles sucker and DO U FEEL LIKE A MAN NOW?.

grim! wrote the songs for their graduation portfolio last year.

Their music is vulnerable and politically charged, drawing inspo from artists like Nothing But Thieves, Jeff Buckley and Alexander23.

Despite its romanticised portrayal, the song sucker confronts the destructive nature of lust, shedding light on the harm inflicted upon both parties involved in a relationship.

In contrast, DO U FEEL LIKE A MAN NOW? takes on the issue of gender dynamics within relationships, particularly highlighting the pressure on women to conform to societal expectations.

You can find grim! on Spotify and Apple Music, and follow them @wheredidgrimgo on Instagram.

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WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A HE/HIM

The 15th Century Māori ‘One Night Stand’ That Caused War Between Iwis

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et me take you back to the 15th century, when my ancestor, who already had four wives, decided a quick stop in Rotorua to see his mate’s missus was a good idea.

were living a honeymoon, in the smelly, steamy village of Rotorua...

One day, as chiefs would do, Whakaue had to attend the opening of a wharepuni (meeting house) in Maketu just north, which was to be named after him. He left his wife Rangiuru at home.

I’m a sucker for Māori lore and war.

As descendants of Rotorua's iwi, Te Arawa, there were many tribes between us and occasionally you’d get the 'marry a cousin' effect that Māori unconsciously talk about. Usually because, well, we had no other choice.

There was a man who led the Rotorua people, Whakaue. He lived there with his wife, Rangiuru, and had three legitimate sons.

Keyword here: LEGITIMATE sons. This concept was important in the fact that as a direct descendant, you took over your tribe upon the death of your father.

Whakaue and Rangiuru lived peaceful lives, where war between families was infrequent. You could say they

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I don’t know if Rangiuru had some sort of Māori lovemaking app in her mind or something but as soon as her man left, far out she had men all up in her whare!

The story goes that she was doting on Tuwharetoa, the 12 pack of abs young stud down in Taupō.

Tuwharetoa was the ruler of the central plateau of the North Island, from Turangi to Kawerau.

He was famed as a high-ranked warrior and went on many expeditions claiming territory and other men's missus (as was the go back in those days).

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ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

Rangiuru sent her husband's slave to fetch the fine young man. And shortly after... Tuwharetoa arrived.

With no one around, Tuwharetoa and Rangiuru made love for many days and nights whilst her husband was away.

The result — a child and a war.

Her husband, Whakaue, was pissed when he got home to find his wife pregnant by his mate back in Taupō.

He decided to send his boys to invite Tuwharetoa to fight him — 500 warriors to 500, last man down.

So, on the shores of Lake Rotorua, the battle of Tawharakurupeti took place. A bloody battle that resulted in mass casualties on both sides.

Te Arawa lost on their own turf, retreating to mourn the lives lost. Though blood, sweat and tears were shed, the baby was born and named Tutanekai.

As the years go by, Rotorua remains the most romantic city in Aotearoa. Fenton Street, the main drag of Rotorua, served as the ancient wedding aisle for Te Arawa iwi following the big war. Many of the subtribes of Te Arawa found solace eventually, with Rotorua becoming the main hub of Māori love and folklore.

The relationship between Te Arawa and Tuwharetoa became sealed, as alliances were made to fight off other iwi desperate to brood over the central plateau women.

Now we as descendants share whakapapa (genealogy) throughout many formed subtribes.

Through those alliances we (I guess) live happily ever after as one people.

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WORDS BY AIDEN WILSON A THEY/THEM

Swipe left. Guy holding fish.

Swipe left. Guy chugging a beer.

Swipe left. Guying holding a fish WHILE chugging a beer.

Finally, you see an artsy type. Intrigued, you scroll down to the bio. “Could you be the Pam I’m looking for?”

You blush at the thought. Maybe you are the Pam. THINK AGAIN. Don't let the "aww” factor fool you.

The millennial media we watched growing up exposed us to the worst examples of romance imaginable.

Who cares about the nagging and pressuring if there’s one giant romantic gesture to overshadow all of it.

There are a few characters who have held more influence than most. So much influence, in fact, that some try to build their dating profile based AROUND these characters.

JUST TIRED OF LOOKING FOR 'THE ONE', YOU KNOW? READY TO SETTLE DOWN, UNTIL I’M NOT. LET ME WASTE YOUR TIME WHILE I WAIT AROUND FOR MY ROBIN! WOULD LOVE TO SIT IN MY APARTMENT AND CORRECT EVERY LITTLE THING YOU SAY. AND IF YOU HATE STAR WARS, WE’RE DONE. AHAHA JUST KIDDING... OR AM I? THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CITY – THE ODDS OF YOU BEING 'THE ONE' ARE ASTRONOMICAL. BUT I’M WILLING TO TRY!

If someone references Ted in their bio, they probably think he’s the loveable hero and not the selfish wad he actually is. Also, in a story about how he met his (spoilers) passed away wife, he spends so much time talking about Robin that his kids tell him to go ask her out. Yeah, that's shitty.

(IF I DON’T THINK YOU’RE THE ONE' WITH IN FIVE MINUTES OF MEETING, I WON’T CALL YOU BACK.)

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Ted Mosby from How I Meet Your Mother is only ever looking for 'the one', and he gets weird about it. Like, saying "I love you" five minutes into his first date weird. While settling down isn’t necessarily a bad thing, obsessing about it as hard as possible with every girl you meet is. As a person he can be rather endearing. But he’s an idiot. The type of idiot who cheats on you with the girl he liked before you as soon as she’s available.

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03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA I ENJOY BULLYING MY COWORKER UNDER THE GUISE OF IT BEING A PRANK! I’M ALWAYS IN THE RIGHT, NO MATTER THE SITUATION. WILL FULLY PUSH YOUR BOUNDARIES AND THEN FEEL BAD ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CALL ME OUT #IMTHEWORST I TAKE NOTHING SERIOUSLY AND WILL EVEN DO SHIT BEHIND YOUR BACK AND GET MAD AT YOU WHEN YOU DO THE SAME. ARE YOU THE PAM I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR?

“But he’s a nice guy! He got Pam!” NO. Jim from The Office pursued a person after she said she wasn’t interested, while bullying a co-worker.

Jim completely falls into the 'nice guy' category.

If anyone says they’re just looking for their Jim or Pam, they probably use weaponised incompetence to get away with everything.

PREFERRED AGE IS 17 TO 25, ANY OLDER AIN’T FOR ME! OF, LIKES: MUSIC YOU HAVEN’T HEARD LIKE WEEZER, PIXIES, NIRVANA DISLIKES: CHEATERS, UNLESS THEY’RE ME! LOL L I’M JUST LOOKING FOR THE LITERA GIRL OF MY DREAMS, MY RAMONA. LITERALLY JUST WANNA OBSESS OVA U XXXX

Charming despite being a bit of an ass, this harmless yet soft-looking fellow gets obsessed easily. There is NOTHING romantic about obsession, and in some cases, it becomes a crime. Also, the biggest red flag — dates high schoolers in his early 20s because other people are repulsed by him.

Okay this is kind of a stretch, as you’re meant to think Scott is a goober. But also, the film (not the book) really wants you to want him to end up with Ramona. And the amount of people I’ve seen comparing their relationship to Scott’s or “looking for their Ramona” really justifies his placement here.

What I wonder, is why so many opt for the tired cliches of referencing these walking red flags. Jim is an obnoxious dick who pushes his partner’s boundaries, Ted gets way too intense way too quick, and Scott LITERALLY DATES A CHILD TO GET OVER HIS BREAKUP. These representations of love aren’t wholesome, they’re toxic and gross.

I tried to look up who some green flag males in popular western media are, but all I found was ONE article which listed three characters, one of whom is arguably a bit of a childish tool—Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine Nine.

Is the bar for romance really so low that TV can make the most awful person seem so ideal that you’d want to either be them, or find them IRL? Definitely.

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ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

How US Election Twitter Debates Found me my Leprechaun Lover WORDS BY KIRA CARRINGTON A SHE/HER

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witter is many things (No Elon I'm not calling it X). The loudest social media site, the 'online town square', a burning cesspit of interconnected echo chambers. It's one of those things I take part in reluctantly—mainly lurking just to see what people are talking about—and the last place I would ever think to get into a whirlwind online romance.

It was an evening in late November, during the 2020 US Presidential Election when I chose to get into a classic Twitter debate with a Trumpet.

We fought back and forth, but not long into our convo, someone else replied to both of us.

A special someone from Ireland. Let's just call him Prince Paddy (because St Paddy, because Ireland, you get the idea). Like any normal human, Prince Paddy took my side and between us we kind of good cop bad copped the Trumpet.

But a few days later, Prince Paddy messaged me again and told me about his life. He had just gone back into lockdown and since he lived alone it was wearing on him a lot. Before long we were talking every few days, then every day, then all day every day.

A constant stream of photos, debates, and gossip.

We only stopped messaging to sleep.

I innocently DM’d Prince Paddy and we spent a great hour making fun of the Trumpet behind his back. I don't think I’ve giggled so hard at an online conversation before or since. We both found it hilarious that two

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terminally online people from New Zealand and Ireland could bond over an election taking place thousands of miles away. I didn't really think of it beyond "that was an enjoyable conversation with an internet stranger."

It's funny how that little tingling feeling creeps up on you.

As the months dragged on, I noticed how my face would heat up while we messaged. I was sitting in the library messaging him one day when all the feelings I'd been ignoring hit me like a truck. Prince Paddy wasn't just my friend anymore, and I think he knew it too.

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I worked up the courage to say something, that horrifying and inevitable question — "what are we?"

were going to happen. We never used the big L word. That comes with commitments and expectations we knew we could never give each other. But I felt it, and I knew he did too.

We agreed we were not in a relationship.

In hindsight, that was definitely a lie.

The next few months were probably the closest I have ever felt to another person. Which is weird, right?

He's on the other side of the world, with his own life that I am not a part of. But it often felt like he was right next to me. An imaginary best friend, except he was real.

We only Facetimed ONCE. Living at home, I had so little privacy. We were never able to say the things we really wanted to say on call. So, we avoided it. We would often talk about me going over to Ireland or him coming here, the places we’d go, the things we’d do — like they

In the years since we have drifted apart and back together many times. To this day, I still haven't met him in real life.

Love is one of those funny things, it can come from the most unlikely of places, even some random Twitter argument. So, shoutout to Twitter, as flawed a place as it is, and to that Trumpet for bringing together the two most random strangers on the internet.

To Prince Paddy, thanks for everything.

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ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

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P L E H I Keep Falling for Fictional Men! WORDS BY JESSIE DAVIDSON A SHE/HER

The others came all at once.

I was eight years old when I first fell in love.

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first met him in class. He had these big green eyes and perpetually untidy black hair. The other girls called him small and skinny for his age, whispering that he had a thin face, knobbly knees, and a weird scar.

But I didn’t care. Harry James Potter was my chosen one.

Then, at age 12, came Edward Cullen, the mysterious boy who would stare at me hungrily across the playground.

I didn’t care about the 100-year age gap. I'd never met a man who was so intent about protecting me that he’d watch me sleep. I unfortunately had to break it off with him after he told me I was his own personal brand of heroin. Sorry Eddie, but I’m not into junkies.

Peeta Mellark, the baker’s boy who put his bun in my oven. Rhysand, who helped me recognise the profound extent of my daddy issues. Mr Darcy, who made me melt simply by flexing his hand.

Xaden Riorson, the dragon rider who could ride me any day. And most recently, Fleabag’s Hot Priest who has brought me to my knees.

I think you already know my most obvious problem in loving all these men, and it’s not that there’s just one of me to go around. None of them actually exist (kill me).

I’ve dated and crushed on many real men as well.

But it was always underwhelming, heartbreaking, disappointing, and quite frankly sexually unsatisfying.

It's tough when you realise the only decent men in your life aren’t even real.

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A HELP! I KEEP FALLING FOR FICTIONAL MEN!

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Fortunately, my Satisfier Pro paired with any TikTok edit of Mr Darcy flexing his hand was more loyal (and sexually stimulating) than my ex ever was.

Let me give you a few examples.

There was the time when my ex-boyfriend got so tired after trying to find my G-spot that he asked me to “just fake it” so he could cum. My Wattpad lover boys would never. I fondly recall being told I was the “second-hottest chick” he’d ever been with. I’m so lucky I made it into his top three! Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for him considering my list only consists of fictional men… Peeta Mellark is my number one xxx My last boyfriend told me I was the only girl he wanted… until he saw every other girl around me.

Fortunately, my Satisfier Pro paired with any TikTok edit of Mr Darcy flexing his hand was more loyal (and sexually stimulating) than my ex ever was.

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I think getting told having sex with me was like having sex with a boy because my tits were so small might be a personal favourite. Although, gosh, I did love hearing that his ex was prettier than me. Omg! I almost forgot about when he didn’t want to comfort me after my grandpa died because he didn’t want to have sex with a "depressed whale".

Maybe I’m just being selfish when I say I prefer fictional men. None of my fairytale boyfriends would degrade, humiliate or gaslight me! I wonder if it’s because they know that some things (like moral decency) won’t damage their reputation with the boys? That is so totally lame.

It was so lame when Peeta put aside his yearning for Katniss to give her the space to work through her trauma.

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God! Don’t forget about the time where Rhysand saved Feyre from her abusive ex. Doesn’t he know about bro code???

So yeah. When someone says that “not all men are horrible to women”, it’s correct to reply with “yeah, my fictional boyfriends would never”.

Or what about the time Gilbert Blythe said to Anne: “I feel I must unburden my heart. You are the fond object of my affection and my desire. You, and you alone, are the keeper of the key to my heart.”

After being treated so shit by the men I’ve dated in the past, it feels much safer to focus my energy on fictional men. My fictional boyfriends are less threatening. They can’t tell me to drop a few pounds or that I’d be way hotter if I didn’t talk so much.

I’d much rather remain a single and delusional romance novel enthusiast than lower my expectations and settle for less.

Yeah… that’s all just… so… ROMANTIC WTF! A girl can only dream.

Clinal sexologist and psychosexual therapist Chloe Scotney explained to Refinery29 that we often feel more attracted to a fictional character because they encapsulate all our ultimate fantasies into one character.

"Yes, a protagonist can let us down, but because of how most narratives work, we know they'll always come through and redeem themselves in the end. Real-life people don't always operate this way," said Scotney.

Scotney explained that indulging ourselves within the romance genre means we aren’t faced with the unpredictability of the real-world dating scene. A fictional romance provides us with the ‘happy ending’ we might not find in real life.

Heartbreakingly, I will never have Peeta bake me a loaf of sourdough every morning, Xaden to take me on midnight dragon rides, or Mr. Darcy to help me into my carriage. But the person I end up with should be someone who would do the same if they could.

Honestly, I’m not even asking for much. All I want is a six-foot-four faerie with twelve pack abs who will make the mountains tremble as we climax simultaneously under the Northern Lights.

PSA! If you fit the description above… gimme a call xxx

Most importantly, Scotney said fictional romances allowed women to fantasise about a world in which they’re treated kindly by a man. Ouch.

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SEXCAPADES ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE

GOT A CONFESS IO A NAUGH N, TY TAKE, OR SEXY STO A RY?

NO LIGHTS NIGHTMARE

My neighbour in my hall last year was seriously into sex (go him!). He was going at it day and night with different girls in the hall (his D was probably fire).

One morning, I wake up to the sound of him screaming in terror, so naturally I get up to see if he’s being murdered. I go into his room and there is blood all over the bed, up the walls, on the floor, handprints everywhere, I swear. He was covered in blood. I was like... huh? What the fuck?

Turns out he had brought a girl back to his room the night before where they decided to just go at each other in every part of the room with the lights off. Unbeknownst to him, she was on her period. Unsure as to how he didn’t taste it when he went down on her. But when I asked him this, he said he just thought she was really turned on. Sorry to break it to you mate, but a woman is hardly ever THAT wet from something a first-year uni boy is doing to them.

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ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

Q. I DUMPED MY BOYFRIEND CAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME, BUT FOR SOME REASON I CAN’T GET OVER HIM. HELP. I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF HIM TAKING UP SPACE IN MY HEAD. Personally, I’ve never had my heart broken.

A. I’ve always been more of a heartbreaker.

People are just too intimidated by my overwhelming sexual prowess to stick around for more than a few one-night stands. My dick game is that good. But I’m not here to blow my own horn... though if anyone wants to blow me, hit me up.

The only heartbreak I’ve had was getting over my vape addiction. Realised that shit was affecting my stamina in the bedroom, so I replaced it with cigarettes. I smoked in front of the mirror, and I looked fucking sexy. My stamina hasn’t gotten better, probably worse, but my hook up count is through the roof. You lose your lungs, but you win puss.

I’ve seen many go for the classic motto: 'wanna get over someone, you gotta get under someone'. I’m usually the person people get under. I give them a wild ride and leave them forgetting who their ex was entirely. This is also the perfect time to sit on some camping chairs with a Steinlager and shit-talk around a beach bonfire. Get pissed, get high, and throw your phone in the fire so you don’t text him.

Get revenge, but don’t be stupid.

It’s tempting but try your hardest not to key his car or hold him under the water until the bubbles stop. He’ll be smug if he sees you behind bars. Sleeping with one of his mates should do the trick.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY. GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGA ZINE.ORG.NZ A 24

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A THAT'S COOKED.

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

RENEE (W)RAPP

Renee Rapp is a 24-year-old American singer, songwriter and actor. She is known for her role as Regina George in Means Girls on Broadway and the most recent film, as well as her pop music career. She is a lesbian icon for the female gaze (sorry, I mean female gays).

A HOT DRIZZLE OF “BABY GIRL”

A DOLLOP OF CONFIDENCE AND DELUSION

A PINCH OF LESBIAN FRINGE SUPERIORITY

A MIC DROP OF BROADWAY VOCALS ON A POP STAR

⅓ CUPS OF REGINA GEORGE REINVENTION

½ A TABLESPOON OF RACHEL MCADAMS FANGIRLING

A HEAPING SCOOP OF LYING IN INTERVIEWS (THIS CAN BE SUBSTITUTED FOR 40 HOURS OF COURT ORDERED MEDIA TRAINING)

2 MOUTHFULS OF BRAS THROWN ON STAGE A BODY SHOT OF MOTHER

A METRIC TONNE OF GAY PANIC MASSIVE

25 A

LOVE

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

Go annoy your siblings or friends to let them know you love them. Grab a water gun or kazoo. Show your love in a way that is as chaotic and fun as you are!

Make someone a warm drink this week. Hot chocolate, tea, coffee. Just like these, you are cosy and comforting to be around. Sit together and use your mugs to warm your hands if the world gets cold.

Go on a fun outing to a nearby garden and have a picnic.

Whether it’s with a friend or a lover, celebrate your relationship in a way that is vibrant and relaxed, just like you. Snatch up some strawberries before they go out of season!

LIBRA This week, you need to stop hiding away inside. Go out for a walk with a pet or a friend. Give yourself time to unwind and soak in the sunlight — your skin is dying for some.

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SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS You're having trouble sleeping this week so take it as a sign to go out stargazing! Bask in the light of the night with someone you love. Take a moment to slow down instead of rushing ahead like you tend to do.

MASSIVE

Time to curl up under a blanket with your partner and watch a horror movie.

Just like you, this experience is full of surprises and intrigue, and who doesn’t love a nice cuddle?

05 A HOROSCOPES A

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

Time for some self-love, Cancer. Collect shiny rocks and crystals to line up on your shelves, buy yourself a treat, go out on an adventure.

Do things that make you happy, you deserve it!

This week, you should stick to the classics. Take someone out on a dinner date, then check out a movie after. Those old-timey films got some things right, so show your charming and timeless love.

It’s time to whip out your apron and make a meal with your friends this week! The key to the heart is through the stomach, so use your strategic skills to show your loved ones how much you care.

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Dude. Stop letting your commitment issues get in the way of that new relationship trying to hit you up. This one might just be the real deal, so don’t run away from it.

This week, share a hobby with someone you love and learn something new together.

All your hyperfixations have waited for this moment to shine, so it’s time to show off your skills.

Look, I know it’s scary, but you have to stop panicking at the first sign of affection.

Accept that they might like you and stop hissing like a disgruntled cat every time someone shows you affection.

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27 A

DITCH LOVE

RIDDLE.

SUDOKU.

YOU SEE A BOAT FILLED WITH PEOPLE, YET THERE ISN’T A SINGLE PERSON ON BOARD. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

WORD OF THE WEEK.

KIHI KISS

C V WG P I V Q S R Q R K Y C R E A WB R O O A MQ L A X R P A WR MD F Z T Q U E B E O L I Z Q K B A S I C F L S H P S C H T I Z V E E P C Z A WZ L R L R M H MC N D O E L X I I R P H T I Y O U W D Z O C Q J K S A A L WE K X R D V S A MA A E T Z C J K U K X J N I T WE T Q E F H Z S H V X O MG N E C E S K WL A G D I Y O C O N Y G P H J P D E S Z L R A Z D U T G X B D Z E K V Z Y Y R X WO N MP S P R WY I R Q O WB L H Q A A H F H D R A P H A K A P Y P E N D D P P A O D Y MWI MA C K I N G O N K Q G L P X A C E P C R F G I H C Z P B K V I C Q H B MD X N P P E E T A ME L L A R K X Q O C I E I Y V R D P O Q B P H E L Y C B Y U P WC L J S F D Y MS X B E I D R C S S H D A O B H A F Q O C WB P E WA S Z U S L G F C U P I D N L V K O S E A U V N I F K J Z L V L X G J B V N R E T

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WORDFIND.

LIVE LAUGH LOVE CUPID RENEE RAPP KISS PEETA MELLARK AROHA

MASSIVE

MEGAN FOX THRUST CRUSH FLIRT MACKING ON PICNIC DA BOYS GIRLIES

H IT! ACROSS

06 A PUZZLES A PANGA

1

2

7. Saltburn director (7,7) 9. Author of Pride and Prejudice (4,6) 10. Dating app used for hookups (6) 12. Sex toy (8) 13. Kermit the ________ (4) 14. Blake Lively’s husband (4,8) 16. Full PJ suit (6) 18. Biscuit with jam in the middle (10) 19. Palmerston North’s nickname (5) 21. Green Shapes box flavour (8)

3 4

5

6

7 8 9 10 11

12 13

14 15 16

17

18

19

20

21

CROSSWORD. 1. Twilight's love interest (6,6) 2. Synonym for hug (7) 3. Dating app used for relationships (5) 4. Barbie’s boyfriend (3) 5. Love holiday (10,3)

DOWN

6. Will open a lock (3) 8. New Zealand town with an L and P statue (6) 10. Type of prize (6) 11. City of love (5)

15. Roman God of love (5) 17. News organisation shutting down in June (7) 20. 2008 jukebox musical movie (5,3)

FIND ALL PUZZLE ANSWERS ON MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ MASSIVE

29 A

LOVE

A POETRY

An Ode to Sage Sometimes I meet you Sizzled in butter and served on The Christmas china Or slipping down my throat Marinating inside a pool of warmth But today, I greet you on a Thursday morning Grey air and expired skin So unlovely you sit in my closed fist An unlikely torch-flaring I hold you low and close My lips murmur weighted commands And faithfully you obey Unremarkable beauty I hold your breathless body in my desperate hand And aflame you soar Bowing at your cremation I shovel your ashes Inside my mouth Your remnants forming into clay down my throat As I wait for the pain to fall off my heart Yet, in your death My blood remains cold And I watch as you fall into my palm And onto the floor

BY GEORGIA BEATTIE-RICHARDS A

GEORGIA BEATTIE-RICHARDS IS A SECOND YEAR STUDENT STUDYING A BACHELOR OF ARTS AT MASSEY UNIVERSITY MANAWATŪ. LIKE MANY ENGLISH STUDENTS, SHE HAS AN IMMENSE APPRECIATION FOR CREATIVE WRITING, AND HAS TAKEN TIME THROUGHOUT HER UNIVERSITY CAREER TO CRAFT HER SKILLS.

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EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA

SHE/HER

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA

SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL

SHE/THEY

NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA HE/HIM

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON

THEY/THEM

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI HE/HIM

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER SHE/HER

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET

POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS

COVER ART BY KEELIN BELL CENTREFOLD ART BY BELLA MARESCA HOROSCOPES BY NATALYA NEWMAN MASSIVE

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LOVE

Our cover depicts a Pūrākau about an everlasting love between Tongariro and Taupiri. The friends were once very close with one another but lay distant as maunga today. Tongariro lay within the Tūwharetoa region, close to Lake Taupō. Taupiri lay in the Tainui region within Waikato. Tongariro gifted a river to Taupiri so that she would never be thirsty.

The river is known today as the Waikato River.

This artwork was inspired by the book, The River which Ran Away, written by Kāterina Mataira. The style of the illustration pays homage to the book's illustrator, the late John Bevan Ford, and his connection to Massey University teaching Māori Visual Arts.

COVER ART BY KEELIN BELL

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