Massive: Issue 02 'Kai'

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS

ISSUE TWO A MONDAY 4TH MARCH

A EST. 2012

MASSIVE

20241AA

KAI

01. EDITORIAL | ETITA 02. NEWS | KAWE PŪRONGO HEARING IMPAIRED DISTANCE STUDENTS

04. CALL OUT FOR CAPTIONED LECTURE VIDEOS STUDENTS FEAR SPEAKING UP ABOUT

05. TE TIRITI O WAITANGI CONTROVERSY

ALBANY’S FOOD AND TECHNOLOGY PHASED

16.

06. OUT WITH MORE CLASSES TURNING DISTANCE

07. EPIC O-WEEK DESPITE “PRACTICALLY ZERO BUDGET”

03. FEATURES | AHUATANGA

08. DEPRESSION MEALS: EDAMN YA'LL LIKE CHEESE 10. "SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA" 13. TIMPLA BY INTUITION 14. VENDING MACHINE VERDICTS 18. DUMPSTER DIVA DIARIES 21. WHAT SHARED LUNCH FOOD ARE YOU?

04. COLUMNS | TĪWAE 22. SEXCAPADES 24. RAMMING WITH FERGUS 25. THAT'S COOKED.

ABOUT US

05. HOROSCOPES 06. PUZZLES | PANGA

18.

Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

NZ Media Council: Those with a complaint towards the publication should first complain in writing to the editor editor@massivemagazine.org.nz If unsatisfied with the response, complaints should be made to the NZ Media Council info@mediacouncil.org.nz

A 2

MASSIVE

This magazine is made from a mixture of paper from FSC-certified forests and other controlled material.

Printed by a Toitu carbon zero certified company.

KAI

01 A EDITORIAL A ETITA

EDITORIAL MASON BREAKS UP WITH MASSIVE

W

e were on the hunt for a man for the Kai issue cover. A specific type of man. A man with the particular look of Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) from The Bear. We couldn’t find anyone, so we called Mason Tangatatai.

Mason was Massive’s editor in 2022. He had the privilege of being my boss when I first started at Massive.

Mason is just about to move to the UK, ready to finally escape student media. But oh no. Student media will never let you go. We had to bring Mason back one last time and put him front and centre fingering a cake.

You can see on his face he was not pleased about this, shouting at the end of the photoshoot, “THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! I’M BREAKING UP WITH MASSIVE.” He was so mad he smashed my face into our beautiful cake.

This is a hard breakup. There’s history there.

Mason was the first editor to translate the entire magazine into Te Reo for the Te wiki o Te Reo issue.

His Massive had a beautiful mix of hilarious and informative articles. He incorporated Te Reo and sign language into every issue. He wrote about student issues so precisely and genuinely. And finally, he ATE on this cover, literally and figuratively.

He was okay I guess…

—Love, Sammy.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR GOT A HOT TAKE, CONFESSION, SOMETHING YOU LOVE OR HATE ABOUT MASSIVE? SEND AN ANONYMOUS LETTER TO THE EDITOR AT:

MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ/LETTERS MASSIVE

3 A

KAI

02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

4TH MARCH 2024

ISSUE TWO

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

HEARING IMPAIRED DISTANCE STUDENTS CALL OUT FOR CAPTIONED LECTURE VIDEOS WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

L

ecture videos continue to exclude subtitles while disabled distance students struggle to understand content without them.

Landi Cranstoun is raising seven children while studying Sociology, so captions are needed in her noisy household.

Cranstoun said subtitles allowed them to follow along with lecture material when “the noise rose above the threshold with which I could reliably hear”.

In recent years, pre-recorded lecture videos have been the main source of information for distance students, who now make up over a third of Massey’s student body.

It kept her from getting confused and rewinding constantly.

For former Disability at Massey rep, Eloise Fleming, captions allowed them to “understand what’s being said at a speed similar to most other students”.

However, adding captions to lecture videos could be a time-consuming task, contributing to a lecturer’s already overflowing workload.

Fleming said without captions, they needed to “rewind every few seconds”.

Lily Anderson acts as a transcriber under the School of Communication, Journalism, and Marketing, creating transcripts from recorded interviews to help ease researchers.

Deziree Taylor, a distance student with a hearing impairment said, “Captions or subtitles on lecture videos were incredibly useful and enhanced accessibility by aiding with my hearing impairments and struggles with auditory processing.”

She said a 60-minute interview took around three hours to transcribe, even after practicing and finding the best method.

Even for students without hearing impairments, captions improved their learning experience, especially when the home environment wasn’t ideal for study.

A 4

While autogenerated captions could be an easy solution, it appeared that technology had yet to catch up.

MASSIVE

02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

Anderson said some of her transcripts came with autogenerated captions, but most of these were “outrageously incorrect”.

Until Massey University implements these changes, students are encouraged to use third-party tools that are currently available:

It wasn't just students who saw the value of captions, as a Massey University spokesperson said, “The university encourages lecturers to provide either a transcript or closed captions for their lectures.”

FREE TOOLS Enable live captions in Chrome or turn on captions on your iPhone or Android phone.

Use your free Microsoft 365 account to create a transcript from an audio recording.

“In courses where it is known that there is a student with a disability, special arrangements are made”.

PAID TOOLS

“As part of our Disability and Inclusion Action Plan mahi, we will be investigating better captioning options to improve the accessibility of our audio and video materials for all students.”

Glean is an audio note-taking app where you can record your notes against live or recorded audio. It is developing greater transcription and captioning support.

STUDENTS FEAR SPEAKING UP ABOUT TE TIRITI O WAITANGI CONTROVERSY WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A HE/HIM

M

ost students across Massey University are walking into the year with a common floating topic on their mind�Te Tiriti O Waitangi.

Over the university summer break, protests took place across the country in retaliation to Seymour’s announcements, such as the hui at Tuurangawaewae Marae, Rātana and Waitangi itself.

Late last year, the government proposed redefining Aotearoa’s founding document, the Treaty of Waitangi.

Many Māori and non-Māori attended the protests to debate the issue.

The proposal claimed the bill would ensure “the same rights and duties for all New Zealanders”.

New student Josh* said, “I am studying a few courses this year with Treaty papers and it will be interesting to see how the papers relate to current affairs such as this one happening now.”

ACT Party leader David Seymour lead the initiative, introducing the Treaty Principles Bill.

Though many students were interviewed, not one felt comfortable sharing their name given the controversy of Te Tiriti.

Manawatū student Lucy* said, “The events over the summer have shown the country and the world how united we can become when certain issues arise here and it makes me proud.”

Massey University is currently a Te Tiriti led university, with a Te Tiriti charter up for review in the next few years.

For many, the toss-up whether Te Tiriti O Waitangi and the Treaty of Waitangi are the same interpretations was where tangata whenua and tangata tiriti were finding problems. *Names have been changed MASSIVE

5 A

KAI

02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

ALBANY’S FOOD AND TECHNOLOGY PHASED OUT WITH MORE CLASSES TURNING DISTANCE WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

F

ood and Technology at Massey Albany is being grandfathered out, while students fear the sudden switch to online study won’t prepare them for the workforce.

“The whole university experience is going to class, interacting with people around you,” Coop said.

Furthermore, these changes affect student’s ability to adapt to a learning style they didn’t originally sign up for.

Albany Nutrition student, Sydney Coop, said her social skills in the workplace will suffer from studying online.

Coop said learning online would “affect my confidence as well as my social skills”.

New students must study Food and Technology by distance or at the Manawatū campus.

She was nervous to do chemistry labs online, assuming this will be difficult.

Many students across Massey campuses have been moved online, many without consultation or warning of these changes.

Social Work student Maya was surprised her courses were moved online, saying social work is an interactive career.

Some employers have been known to not respect a degree that was earned online, sometimes assuming students could have cheated or plagiarised their work easily.

“I might feel less connected to the people I’m learning from like my classmates and lecturers.”

Coop felt employers may not trust her degree due to “online stigma”.

Additionally, such changes also affect student's chances of getting the full experience that comes with university.

A 6

She wondered whether employers would see that she learned via distance and question whether she could be fit for work.

“I do have some fears that it would affect my employment.”

Massey University was approached for comments, however, did not provide a response.

MASSIVE

02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

EPIC O-WEEK DESPITE “PRACTICALLY ZERO BUDGET” WORDS BY ELISABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

A

water slide, free stuff, sumo wrestling, inflatable basketball hoops, and live music made for a sick O-Week at the Manawatū campus.

Despite Massey’s recent budget cuts due to an estimated $41 million deficit for 2024, O-Week continued over the past two weeks.

Bachelor of Business director, Angela Feekery, said budget cuts had affected their O-Week, saying they were unable to put on more events or activities.

Sumo wrestling at the Manawatū campus carnival. Photo / Izza Atif

“But the goodwill of the staff have made the events somewhat good, considering that there is practically zero budget this O-Week”.

Fresher Science student, Kezia Toga said her favourite thing about O-Week was all the free stuff.

She was impressed by student engagement at the Business Ignite event, saying around double the amount of those who RSVP'd showed up.

Two local bands played at the carnival, Side-Quest and Car Crash Emy, introduced

by Manawatū’s Radio Control.

“Students were really interactive, engaging, connecting with each other and learning.”

Carnival Day on Tuesday saw students trying all the activities provided, including inflatable basketball hoops, inflatable darts and sumo wrestling.

Accounting student, Danielle Brown said this year’s O-Week was much more fun than last years and had more fun stalls.

Another student expressed their excitement for the water slide that was over at the Oval and was thankful they brought extra clothes.

First year Jono Boyd said the campus tours and labs were intriguing and met various people that were in his classes.

Wendy Carr, general manager of the student association (Te Tira Ahu Pae) said, “I felt the students really enjoyed their O-Week, especially since we got far more staff involved.”

Ronica Sami, student development coordinator said, “Students were engaged, there were more events than last year, I could not keep myself away from the pizza.”

MASSIVE

7 A

WORDS MY AIDEN WILSON A THEY/THEM

KAI

DEPRESSION

MEALS: If you were to say, eat a tub of cream cheese with some basil mixed in, I’d call that a depression meal. The most depressing part of all these meals is that almost every single one has cheese� and I’m lactose intolerant.

A depression meal is your go-to food for when the big sad is just getting you down. It is whatever is on hand, usually the bare minimum. You might eat fresh ravioli when you’re depressed because it makes you happy, but that does not make it a depression meal.

☻ ☻

It’s the cap-off to the trilogy no one asked for, but EVERYONE wants. My third year working for Massive �Season 3, if you will. New cast members, returning favourites, and sadder meals than ever before.

Even the most stable person has their depression meal. Why don’t we see what the Massive staff have been stuffing down their gullets and who will be awarded the mighty Mayor of Flavour Town.

JESSIE’S PASTA AND CHEESE

Described by the creator as “depressingly beige”, this meal consists of over-boiled pasta, boiled in extremely salty water, topped with shredded edam cheese. Part of me wonders why we cannot add sauce. It is one step away from being not so depressingly beige. But then I realised that’s missing the point entirely. Depression meals aren’t about enjoyment, they’re about stuffing your face as quick as you can, no matter the consequences.

SAMMY’S CHEESY POPCORN AND VANILLA ICE CREAM Is this really Sammy’s depression meal, or is this something gross that was invented just to test me?

We may never know, but I’m leaning towards the latter.

Sadly, I could not find powdered cheese, so I had to resort to MORE shredded edam. Again, I’m lactose intolerant.

This meal pushed my limits. The taste was… fine?

It wasn’t bad… and wasn’t good?

THE — RESULTS: A 8

The texture though… oh god.

I feel like if the cheese were powdered it’d be just like eating a lightly dusted sundae. The way I ate it, however, was nothing short of a horrific journey in food abominations.

Sammy, for whatever I did, I am sorry.

THIS WAS THE TOUGHEST CALL I’VE HAD TO MAKE IN MY THREE YEARS AT MASSIVE, BUT I AM CONFIDENT IN MY DECISION. THE NEW MAYOR OF FLAVOUR TOWN IS NONE OTHER THAN... DESIGNER BELLA! MASSIVE

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

BELLA’S SHIN RAMEN W/ A HANDFUL OF EDAM CHEESE MELTED ON TOP Pre-eating thought: I have had too much dairy today.

This was a lot nicer than I thought. Something about cheese which has been warmed in liquid really sets off my ick-ometer, and the way the cheese clumped around

the noodles didn’t help. Texture was a mixed bag, with some bites being slimy and some being just noodles.

Taste wise though… holy shit. The way the cheese mixes with the spice of the ramen broth is something to behold. When I was done, I wanted more. I NEEDED more. I cannot recommend it enough�this one was something special.

NATALYA’S AIR FRIED FROZEN PORK DUMPLINGS W/ SOY SAUCE Pre-eating thought: Hallelujah, no cheese.

I adore dumplings. I love em steamed, fried, boiled. I even love those weird dumplings you have in soup. I was so excited for this one, only for it to be ruined by my damn air fryer. While more convenient than making a pot of oil or creating a steamy environment for the dumplings, air frying takes all the goodness outta this lovely snack.

KIRA’S BEANS ON TOAST W/ CHEESE Pre-eating thought: More cheese… oh god…

Beans on toast will forever be a staple in the student’s diet. It’s so simple, so cheap, so easy and ALWAYS SO DELICIOUS. You can never go wrong with beans on toast, except for when you have it too many times in a row.

What should be soft, squishy and juicy balls of awesome, turns into crunchy yet tasty pork treats which stabbed my mouth.

I take full responsibility for this travesty, and promise to do better in the future.

It’s a meal that’s great up 'til a point. One day you wake up and you just can’t eat beans no more.

And then you feel sad. But a few weeks go by, and maybe the craving returns. It’s a vicious cycle, one that I am more than happy to be a part of.

ELIZABETH’S HASHBROWN AND BUTTER SANDWICH Pre-eating thought: I have seen the face of god and it’s beautiful.

Unsurprisingly, this was a solid one to end on. I have never had a bad hashbrown before, and I don’t think it’s possible to

make bad hashbrowns. I know that’s an outrageous claim, but I prefer to live in ignorance.

Literally slap a hashbrown between two pieces of buttered bread and eat that shit. Couldn’t be simpler. I got a little fancy and added some BBQ sauce to my second one. Yup, I enjoyed this meal so much I made it twice. It really was that good.

I DON’T LIKE PICKING FAVOURITES, BUT IF SOMEONE DEMANDED THAT I DID, MY FAVOURITE MEAL WOULD NO DOUBT BE BELLA’S SHIN RAMEN WITH CHEESE. ASIDE FROM A TEXTURE THAT WAS SLIGHTLY DUBIOUS, AND MY LACTOSE INTOLERANCE BEING TESTED BY ALL THE SHREDDED CHEESE, IT WAS BRILLIANT. GENUINELY, THIS IS A DEPRESSION MEAL I CAN SEE MYSELF ADOPTING�IF I DIDN’T NEED TO DESPERATELY TAKE A BREAK FROM ALL THE DAIRY I’VE HAD. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE, Y'ALL EAT A LOT OF CHEESE. MASSIVE

☻

9 A

KAI

A 10

MASSIVE

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A HE/HIM

"SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA" THE MĀORI MP GROWING THE FOOD ON HER COMMUNITY'S PLATE

“THE KAI THAT WE CONSUME HAS WHAKAPAPA AND SITS WITHIN THE ECOSYSTEMS THAT WE TOO ARE PART OF.”

H

ana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke, Te Pati Māori MP and youngest member of Parliament, grows kai for her small Huntly community.

Raised by her elders, she draws on their teachings to help in the sustenance of her little community.

“SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA, AND THEY MUST NOT BE TAMPERED WITH.”

Growing up, she spent summers with her aunty, Liliana Clarke, learning how to grow kai using maramataka (Māori lunar calendar).

Hana said her planting and harvesting was very intentional, “reflecting how my ancestors utilised the rich lands throughout Waikato to grow an abundance of produce”.

ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

MASSIVE

11 A

KAI

A "SEEDS HOLD WHAKAPAPA"

Hana dreams of a circular Māori economy, where the currency is kai.

She looks at the whole picture of kai, calling for reclamation of sovereignty and justice over how food is prepped, sold and distributed by supermarket chains.

The Huntly community garden is open to all at set hours during the day and runs off reciprocity, rather than money.

“HOPEFULLY, IN YEARS TO COME WE’LL BE EXCHANGING KAI RATHER THAN MONI FOR KAUPAPA MĀORI.”

“OUR SUSTENANCE CAN NO LONGER BE IN THE HANDS OF GREEDY CORPORATES.” After learning from her aunty, she loved gardening using maramataka (Māori lunar calendar). “It’s awesome to engage with one of many Māori natural resources.”

“The biggest problem in Aotearoa at the moment is that we don’t have enough food, and the food we do have is too expensive.”

In the long run, after looking after her own hometown, she hopes to help other iwi get māra kai established while supporting them with knowledge around the maramataka.

She wanted to return to her traditional Maori practices and customs of how to gather our kai.

A 12

MASSIVE

PHOTOS SUPPLIED A

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

A A SEAT AT THE TABLE BY GIA ESPELITA

04. TIMPLA

BY INTUITION

-EXCERPT FROM 'A SEAT AT THE TABLE'

T

(CHAPTER 01: ANG PLATO, WHAT IS FILIPINO FOOD?)

impla roughly translates to ‘mix’ or the way one seasons or adjusts the flavour profiles of a dish.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, cooking and especially seasoning in Filipino cuisine is usually measured by intuition.

This pattern resonated with all fourteen contributors.

With that said (and very generally speaking), one would cook or season the same dish uniquely thus we are each accustomed to a particular timpla.

Often there is no written recipe�oral transmission is a common practice in indigenous worldviews. I learned that many of the dishes my mother cooks would’ve been taught by my grandmother whom she often observed and helped in the kitchen. I have never seen any of my lolas or titas with a written recipe they follow unless they are baking.

Due to this quality of the cuisine, going out for Filipino food can be tricky at times. Different ways of seasoning mean different preferences.

As migrants, the difference of the availability of ingredients and produce compared to our motherland affects this.

I don’t actually cook Filipino food often because I’m not brave enough to brace the fact that my sinigang or nilaga will never be as good as my mother’s (and her mother’s). In a time where Asian food is often reduced to cater to a Western palette, it will never be the same as a home cooked meal.

TAGALOG TRANSLATIONS LOLA: GRANDMA TITA: AUNTIE

ABOUT GIA ESPELITA Gia Espelita (she/her) is a Manila raised, Pōneke based graphic designer and recent Massey graduate. She wrote and designed A Seat at the Table for her honours project, a book that celebrates the experiences of young Filipino tauiwi through conversations centred on food. Currently, she is the designer for the New Zealand Portait Gallery and the production assistant and designer for Asian Aotearoa Arts Hui 2024 (happening in April–May 2024, get amongst it). @GIAESPDESIGN A GIAESP.COM @ A S I A N _ A R T S _ A OT E A R O A _ H U I

SINIGANG: SOUR SOUP WITH A TAMARIND-BASED BROTH, VEGETABLES AND OFTEN FISH. NILAGA: BEEF STEW WITH BEEF AND VARIOUS VEGETABLES. MASSIVE

13 A

VENDING MACHINE VERDICTS

KAI

☻ $3.50 1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

*

0

#

WHAT YOUR MASSEY VENDING MACHINE SNACK SAYS ABOUT YOU Like their favourite vending machine snack, this person is like the human equivalent of shuffle on Spotify�always unpredictable. They’re the life of the party, but deep down fear commitment more than they fear choosing one kind of lolly to eat. Their love for Taylor Swift suggests they enjoy emotional rollercoasters, and the mixed lolly bag is their way of embracing chaos in its sweetest form.

These people are strategic. They don’t just share their lollies with their classmates, they gift their worst enemy the candy equivalent of chewing on a flavourless eraser �Milk Bottles. Kudos to them for turning lolly-sharing into a subtle act of hate.

01

MIXED LOLLY BAG

This person is living life on the edge (of a mental breakdown).

They’ve mastered the art of surviving on a diet of caffeine and regrets.

Energy drinks for breakfast, lunch, and tea? More like the three-course meal of champions�if champions were fuelled by equal parts desperation and caffeine-induced heart palpitations.

They consume energy drinks like their sanity depends on it. Let’s face it, it probably does. Their aversion to coffee suggests they prefer their jitters served with a side of chemical aftertaste and diabetes.

ENERGY DRINKS

02

In a world full of processed temptations, these health-conscious warriors are on a quest for a crunchy escape. These nutjobs always start their day with a sunrise yoga session and end it with a kale smoothie bowl, all while wearing Lulu Lemon leggings that cost more than your weekly rent. They’re the kind of people who believe in the power of protein and the sanctity of omega-3 fatty acids.

However, it can be hard being nuts about nuts. After all, perfect macronutrient ratios and maintaining a flawless downward dog pose is no small feat. Namaste, you nutters! May you continue walking the path towards crunchy enlightenment.

03 NUTS A 14

MASSIVE

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

WORDS BY JESSIE DAVIDSON A SHE/HER

These sugar-coated darlings are every dentist’s nightmare.

In a world where nut lovers pretend to understand macronutrient ratios, these chocoholics drown in infinite pools of sugar.

They’re the connoisseurs of comfort and cavities. Most will have a full set of veneers by the time they reach 25.

While dentists might cringe at their sugary escapades, these chocolate addicts remain unfazed. They indulge in their favourite guilty pleasure that leaves mouths watering and dental bills skyrocketing. Here’s to the chocolate concubines. The sweethearts with a dental defiance, making the world a little sweeter one cavity at a time.

04 CHOCOLATE BARS The human embodiment of a snack-time symphony nobody asked for. They’ve mastered the art of turning every lecture into an unwarranted auditory feast of open-mouthed chewing, coughing, and crunching. They’ve turned snacking into a performance that nobody wanted but can’t escape.

Their greasy fingers and hair are evidence of a love affair with crispy delights. What truly sets them apart is their passion for mansplaining. Fuelled by an unhealthy amount of sodium and a misguided sense of superiority over women, they’re ready to enlighten you about how the Barbie movie was actually an attack against men.

CHIPS

05

A self-proclaimed connoisseur of both baked goods and subtle superiority, they convey an air of, “Do you really think your taste buds can appreciate the sophisticated blend of oats and dried apricot like mine can?"

They have a knack for subtle put-downs, as if the act of enjoying the worst tasting cookie to exist grants them an elevated status.

Much like their choice in sweets, their personalities are beige, disappointing and underwhelming.

In the academic realm, they thrive on copying the work of others.

They are convinced that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery� or perhaps just the easiest way to get by after peaking in high school.

06 MRS. HIGGINS FRUITY ANZAC COOKIE

PUSH

COINS HERE MASSIVE

15 A

KAI

A 16

MASSIVE

MASSIVE

17 A

KAI

A 18

MASSIVE

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

WORDS BY DUMPSTER DIVA A SHE/HER

DIARIES

DISCLAIMER: For legal reasons, this is fictional.

I

have always been willing to go to great lengths in

‘Twas a Monday evening as I set off to my

pursuit of a story, but never did I think that would

local Woolworths (RIP Countdown) in pursuit of a

lead me to diving into the dumpsters of Wellington.

dumpster. Sporting my matching Lulu Lemon set and pink gloves�I wanted to at least look cute in the dumpster�I set off to find myself a snack.

With New Zealand’s rising food costs and food wastage, more and more students have

Alas! Despite my research on Bizarrehobby.com,

taken up the art of dumpster diving.

which told me Wellington was rated New Zealand’s According to NewsHub, New Zealand supermarkets

number one hotspot for dumpster diving, the

toss more than 100,000 tonnes of food per year.

dumpsters I encountered were padlocked shut.

The reasons? The food having slight imperfections, near expiry dates, or is simply replaced by newer

Luckily, @meatloafmullet123 had posted a list

stock even if it’s still edible.

on Reddit of their favourite dumpsters in Wellington, one of which was New World. So, off I scurried!

So, when I innocently suggested I’d write an article about dumpster diving, I wasn’t expecting to end up knee-deep

As promised, New World had foolishly left their

in food waste on request of my editor (thanks Sammy).

dumpsters unattended and unlocked. Perfect for the Dumpster Diva to begin her dive!

ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

MASSIVE

19 A

A DUMPSTER DIVA DIARIES

KAI

Within minutes I found bags of bread, apples,

front, I knew we’d be best friends. We spoke pleasantly

courgettes, three boxes of tampons, and a

of our favourite Taylor Swift songs, Wellington’s best

chocolate bar (which I nibbled on for sustenance).

weed dealers, and if I’d like to sleep with him. After

After inspecting expiration dates and the food quality,

politely declining Wazz’s offer�I didn’t want to ruin

I found no reason why it had all been chucked.

our budding friendship�I walked away with a haul of sweet treats and memories.

Because dumpster diving is considered theft in New Zealand (theft from whom? The bin?),

So, to dive or not to dive?

my main concern was being caught. However, my plan was to blame the idea on Sammy so

During my time as Dumpster Diva, I was disappointed

we could be bunk buddies in prison <3

in the amount of food waste being produced at a time when students are choosing between paying

I was close to implementing this plan when a New

rent and putting food on the table. It’s truly a symbol

World worker came out with more trash. My heart was

of inequality and wastefulness. The food I found

pounding. I wondered whether I’d look good in an orange

lasted me a week, during which I didn’t need to

jumpsuit and awaited the handcuffs. Instead, he simply

buy anything from the supermarket.

handed me a trash bag and told me: “There’s a whole cake in this one. It’s unopened, just a day expired.”

So, I say�dive right in, baby!

The Dumpster Diva has won over the New

Yours truly,

World workers… my influence has no bounds.

XOXO

Feeling like Wellington’s number one diver, I continued my search for food without fear�ending up in Wellington’s most notorious Night ‘n Day dumpsters.

Here, I encountered my first group of dumpster divers (none of which were as stylish as me). Wazz, also known as Zeus, my new dumpster diving friend, gave me some hot tips about dumpster diving. He helped me collect a bounty of cupcakes, doughnuts, and sandwiches.

Initially, I was a bit freaked out by this six-foot-four, tattooed, beer bellied man. However, when I spotted his Repurrrtation shirt with Taylor Swift’s cat Olivia on the

A 20

MASSIVE

WHAT SHARED LUNCH FOOD ARE YOU?

Q1. HOW PUNCTUAL ARE YOU? A) You take ages to pick an outfit and show up late.

But you always look good.

Q2. DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL COOKING STYLE IN A GORDON RAMSAY QUOTE.

A) “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

B) You show up 15 minutes early for everything.

B) “I don’t need a toaster.

I’ve got a Michelin star.”

C) You always arrive right on time after getting out of bed 20 minutes before.

C) "This fish is so raw it’s still finding Nemo.”

D) You arrive 5 minutes late only to realise you left your keys at home.

Q4. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH LEFTOVERS IN YOUR FLAT?

D) “I don’t make mistakes in the kitchen. I create opportunities for new recipes.

Q5. WOULD YOU EAT THE LAST PIECE OF FOOD AT A SHARED LUNCH?

A QUIZ

Q3. WHAT KIND OF OUTFIT WOULD YOU WEAR TO A MEETING THAT COULD'VE JUST BEEN AN EMAIL? A) Slay the boots house down!

For you, a pointless meeting doesn't mean skimping on a fit.

B) You're a ‘less is more’ kind of person. Clean lines, tailoring, and good quality materials.

C) You throw on the most convenient thing that can pass as acceptable. They shouldn’t expect more from you for wasting your time.

D) You spend forever trying to decide until you run out of time and go with what you wore yesterday.

A) They become midnight snacks a few hours later.

A) Only if it's a dessert.

Q6. WHAT DO YOU WATCH WHILE COOKING?

B) They save everyone from having to cook for 2-3 days.

B) You wouldn’t dare do that in front of everyone.

A) A nostalgic flick you've watched a billion times.

C) What leftovers?

C) You 100% would.

Someone has to.

B) A YouTube video essay.

D) They are sorted into containers and forgotten about until they grow mold.

D) You will sneakily grab it and save it for later.

MOSTLY AS: FAIRY BREAD

You're all about sweetness and have a bright personality.

You gravitate towards food that looks particularly aesthetic.

When bringing food, you opt for something easy but still a crowd favourite which you know won't have any leftovers.

MOSTLY BS: HOMEMADE SAUSAGE ROLLS You are a foodie. You take good food seriously.

You’re ambitious––and a bit of a perfectionist––who is determined to make the ultimate dish with the freshest ingredients. You aren't really concerned with speed, only making the tastiest and most aesthetic food possible.

C) TikTok on auto scroll D) *Insert generic streaming platform here*'s newest show.

MOSTLY CS: A BAG OF CHIPS You are more of an appreciator than a contributor. You're there to eat free food and a lot of it.

As more of a ‘go-with-theflow' type, you won’t think about what you should bring until an hour before and pick up some Prawn Cocktail chips on the way.

MASSIVE

MOSTLY DS: FRUIT KEBAB You’re a creative thinker, you love to try new things and experiment in the kitchen. You’re a little bit indecisive.

After all, the possibilities are literally endless, so you go for something that has a little bit of everything.

21 A

KAI

A 22

MASSIVE

SEXCAPADES ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE

GOT A CONFESS IO A NAUGH N, TY TAKE, OR SEXY STO A RY?

THE BLOODY CARROT When I was about 15 years old, I didn’t know anything about sex. All I knew was it involved dick going into vagina (very traditional, I know). So, when I started to feel horny, I turned to anything that was dick shaped.

My hairbrush was a common choice. But every now and then when I wanted something longer�I would turn to the fridge. A carrot, parsnip, even a cucumber when I was feeling brave and relaxed.

I tried to use my fingers once, but I hated the feeling.

I’m sure my Mum wondered where all her vegetables were going. But she never asked, thank fuck.

A couple months ago, I was on my longest dry spell since losing my virginity. My boyfriend broke up with me six months before and I started dating my vibrator. I opened up my go to porn video after a depressingly long morning Zoom lecture. I was close to finishing when my vibrator died. Honestly, that’s on me for buying the $20 one and thrashing it.

I was feeling very desperate that day, so I turned to my old friend�vegetables. I slipped on my old Cotton On pajama shorts and walked to the kitchen with my legs spread out trying to avoid my wetness down there.

I grabbed a carrot and scurried back to my room.

I started pumping the carrot in and out. It felt nice in a familiar way. Like hooking up with an ex. I was a lot wetter than usual and once I finished, I realised I had started my period midway through. I wrapped the bloody carrot in some tissues and threw it in the kitchen bin.

I completely forgot about the whole thing ‘til maybe four days later. The kitchen stunk. It smelled like sex and old period blood. My flatmate noticed the smell and took the rubbish bag out. But when he did, my blood covered carrot tore a hole in one of those weak as fuck sustainable rubbish bags. The bloody carrot was poking out—pointing directly at his clothes.

I didn’t say a word. I watched him carry the bag away. When he came back to the kitchen, he had a red stain on his knee. He was annoyed about it, not knowing where it had come from. I watched him use his bare hands to scrub it out.

He chopped up a carrot for dinner the next day and I couldn’t look him in the eye.

MASSIVE

23 A

KAI

ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

Q. THIS NEW GUY I'M

HOOKING UP WITH HAS A FOOD KINK. I'M EMBARRASSED TO EVEN EAT IN FRONT OF HIM! HOW DO I GET SEXY WITH FOOD? A good, meaty question for me to sink my teeth A. into.

Have you seen the sheer amount of dickshaped foods? Grab an ice block from the dairy and make direct eye contact with this guy while you’re sucking it. Cyclone, Calippo, or maybe a Magnum if you’re feeling brave. Deepthroat the thing.

Lean in a little, show off your skills, and suck!

But beware. Suck on dick shaped foods�but don’t bite them! You don’t want to scare him off. At your next sausage sizzle, turn away or cover your mouth when you take a bite. I once had a sheep think my dick was a massive daisy and try to take a bite. The girl almost DIY circumcised me. Maybe he’d be into that, but I’m not looking to get my dick chomped.

Another good tactic would be to beat some meat. Buy a juicy steak and go hard in the kitchen. He’ll get the idea. Later you can take that meat beating to the bedroom.

Food and sex are easy to bring together.

Make spaghetti (or get takeaways if you can’t be fucked wasting time cooking instead of getting fucked) and slurp it off his body. There’s a reason Cardi B name-dropped macaroni in a pot. Take advantage of the sound, and lick your lips to get rid of the extra sauce.

Another good one is feeding each other.

I mean, the Greeks had the whole feedingeach-other-grapes thing down to a T, and we all know how horny those fuckers were. Look at Zeus. But don’t follow his example. If this dude you’re hooking up with turns out to be your cousin, walk the other way. Don’t be like Zeus. Be like me instead. My dick game is so much stronger than his, and I’d give you the pounding of your life instead of turning you into a cow.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY. GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGA ZINE.ORG.NZ A 24

MASSIVE

A THAT'S COOKED.

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

JEREMY ALLEN WHITE-BREAD Jeremy Allen White is a 33-year-old American actor. He has starred in hit shows like Shameless and The Bear. He is known for his recent Calvin Klein campaign, leading him to secure the white boy of the month title.

A PINCH OF CHEATING RUMOURS

A TEASPOON OF LEAVING THIRST COMMENTS ON RANDOM HOT GIRLS’ INSTAGRAMS

A BUCKET OF UGLY HOT. THIS CAN BE SUBSTITUTED FOR A SHOT OF CALVIN KLEIN SINGLETS

3ML (ABOUT 0.1 OZ) OF WHITE BOY OF THE MONTH™

A CUP OF HAIR EXTENSIONS IN THE IRON CLAW

½ TABLESPOON OF RED-FACED SHOUTING

A SPOONFUL OF SHORT KING CHARISMA

A CUP OF “YES CHEF” A CUP OF SHAMELESS LIP GALLAGHER’S AWKWARD SEXINESS

⅓ CUP OF GENE WILDER SIMILARITIES MASSIVE

25 A

KAI

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

Chocolate cake: You won’t be forced by Miss Trunchbull to eat the whole thing, like Bruce was in Matilda. But if you do decide to finish it off, nobody’s stopping you. Walk your own path. Eat all the cake.

Rachel’s Beef Trifle: You get distracted easily, so be careful when cooking this week.

Double-check your recipes and DO NOT put beef in the trifle.

Uni cooking may be a hot mess, but these two things should be enjoyed separately.

Hazelnut Parsnip soup: Like Rapunzel’s favourite dish, you are warm and comforting to be around. You can never go wrong with soup, so follow in Rapunzel’s bright footsteps and try it out.

LIBRA Spaghetti and Meatballs: Lady and the Tramp gave us a beautiful scene—it’s time to recreate it! You’re fun and flirty, so get out there and share some delicious spaghetti.

A 26

SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS Ratatouille: You can be a bit controlling sometimes, so use that energy to make some delicious ratatouille. Remy is a hero.

Be like Remy.

MASSIVE

Wonka Chocolate: In honour of the three types of Wonka (will kill for you, will watch you be killed, will kill you), it’s time to stock up on chocolate. Whether to enjoy the taste or to ward off a trio of Wonkas, I can’t say.

05 A HOROSCOPES A

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

Scooby Snacks: This week, you’ll be surprised to find you like a weird food. Everyone has looked at dog treats and pondered whether it would really be so bad. Shaggy does it plenty. You can do it too.

Blue cookies: Percy Jackson was right, so to all my lively Leo demigods, eat blue food this week! Add as much blue food colouring as you can—Sally Jackson would want you to!

Tiana’s Beignets: Like Tiana and her signature dessert, you are sweet, hardworking and irresistible!

This week, treat yourself to something sweet, and hold on—you’re almost there!

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Krabby Patty: Just like the Krabby Patty, you are successful and beloved by all. If you can figure out the secret ingredient and put all the fillings in the right order, you’ll be able to eat a delicious Krabby Patty!

Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans: A wildcard at heart, you bring a little bit of everything to the table.

Lighthearted and serious, fun and scary—there’s no way to predict you! Whether you get strawberry or earwax, I hope you enjoy your Every Flavour Beans.

Peanut Butter and Oreos: You can be unexpected at times, but when people get to know you, they quickly realise how great you are! The Parent Trap had its priorities right, so go try some Oreos with Peanut Butter.

MASSIVE

27 A

DITCH KAI

RIDDLE.

SUDOKU.

WHAT HAS AN EAR BUT CANNOT HEAR?

WORD OF THE WEEK.

TINO REKA YUMMY

I L H T D T K F V N Z I S L X J J K A I Z MO MME Q R R K Q K K N I F E C Y S J F F I D T P I E F N R X A U T Q H H H L D G O D P C E N Z S P Z WF J N O V A R WP E E Y A S N P K A D X T T WC K R H T J F T WK D I S H E S J A U D O R E B U R G E R E V D Q A H U Q O J H L O D MY D F N D WG L D R F D E H L D A F L G F V H S I E H R J MP R J MWU T U U N G Y I MR L G I WI P O X MT ME B N X H A Y B U B X G Y O P O Q C G K A E C I N L S J P X Q K I K WL G Y H E H R H H R O V E N D I N G MA C H I N E L E O K E L Z L F Q H S N MP J G E H X F A W C P T G I X A C R Y V G X A O L P Y T U A P E U S B H A V I E A Y G N Y A C S L N O WN E Y L D G K F WD P O O Y S B P S L F X N K Y T O I Y O G G O A N Y B Y T S O Z V K X Q I T Y L MS P A L X WF L A P E B L V H F O R A C E S S G A D Y

A 28

WORDFIND.

BURGER FRIES KNIFE CHOCOLATE FORK DISHES SNACK VENDING MACHINE

MASSIVE

SPOON SHARED LUNCH KAI SLOPPER DROOL GIRL DINNER UBEREATS CAKE

H IT! 2

06 A PUZZLES A PANGA

1

3

4 5 6 7 8

9

10

11

12

13 14 15 16

17 18 20

21

19

22

23 24

25 26 27

CROSSWORD.

ACROSS

2. White food used during sex (7,5) 5. Countdown’s new name (10) 10. Popular Filipino dish (5) 12. Gumboot is a type of what? (3) 13. Movie theatre snack (7) 14. Main ingredient in hummus (9) 16. Synonym of plate (4)

17. Avocado season (6) 20. SpongeBob SquarePants burger (6,5) 24. Base ingredient of gummy bears (7) 25. ________ sizzle (7) 26. Penis shaped fruit (6) 27. An ________ a day keeps the doctor away (5)

DOWN

1. Knives, forks, spoons (8) 3. If you eat it, you die (6) 4. Colourful kiwi dessert (5,4) 6. Chinese utensils (10) 7. Winnie the Pooh’s favourite food (5) 8. Mexican dish that’s folded (5) 9. Te reo Māori word for food (3) 11. Harry Potter drink (10) 15. Te reo Māori word for sweet potato (6)

18. Crescent shaped pastry (9) 19. American word for capsicum (4,6) 21. Nut used to make marzipan (6) 22. 2022 horror film starring Anya Taylor-Joy (3,4) 23. What animal does bacon come from? (3) 26. What do pandas eat? (6)

FIND ALL PUZZLE ANSWERS ON MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ MASSIVE

29 A

KAI

A 30

COLOUR ME IN!

MASSIVE

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA

SHE/HER

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA

SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL

SHE/THEY

NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA HE/HIM

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON

THEY/THEM

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI HE/HIM

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER SHE/HER

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET

POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS

CENTREFOLD ART BY JESS SKUDDER HOROSCOPES BY NATALYA NEWMAN TIMPLA BY INTUITION FROM A SEAT AT THE TABLE BY GIA ESPELITA WHAT SHARED LUNCH FOOD ARE YOU? BY KIRA CARRINGTON

SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR COVER STAR AND MASSIVE LEGEND, MASON TANGATATAI. MASSIVE

31 A

KAI

A 32

MASSIVE