MASSIVE Issue 16: The Food Issue

MASSIVE The Food Issue

AUGUST 7 2023 Cover by Annick Harvey

Issue 16

Editor’s letter The Food Issue Kia ora koutou,

Food, glorious food...

This week we follow our noses, delving into the wonderful world of kai. Celebrating our favourite— and not so favourite— dishes. From degustation to pure...disgusting, we share our memorable moments with food. There’s a sprinkle of recipes, a peppering of memoir, a good dollop of news and the usual snacks to whet your appetite. We also have a delicious array of illustrations and photography by our amazing team to adorn your walls. We hope you are staying warm and keeping fed in winter, and remember we regularly have food to share at Te Tira Ahu Pae on your campus in case you’re having a hard week. Bon apetit mes amis *chef’s kiss* LX

What to look forward to News

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Features Massive’s Go to Meals

10

Kai and Fatness From A Place of Aroha

14

School Camp: What’s on the Menu?

18

Top 5 Malaysian Food I WIsh to see in NZ

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Barbie: A Review

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Depression Meals II

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Columns Sexcapades

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Solicited Advice

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Horoscopes

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Editor Leila Lois Designer Emily Wilson News Editor Sammy Carter Sub Editor Tui Lou Christie Staff Writer Aiden Charles Staff Writer Elizabeth Chan News Reporter Brett Kerr Feature Editor Molly Richards Illustrator Annick Harvey Illustrator Eden Laing Te Ao Māori Editor Cameron McCausland-Taylor

MASSIVE NEWS

7 August 2023

WEEKLY NEWS Americans add sugary toppings to NZ’s real fruit ice cream Sammy Carter (she/her)

Real fruit ice cream is known for its simplicity of just a scoop of vanilla with frozen fruit, but this wasn’t enough for Americans adding sauce, sprinkles and cookies on top.

shops, some asking whether they could put cookies into the blender.

“In New Zealand, if you did cookies or some sort of lollies, I don’t think you would sell very many at all, to tell you the truth,” Little said.

Ruby Preminger spent her summer in Mount Maunganui making real fruit ice creams on the beach.

She said, “There’s a certain nostalgia about a classic real fruit ice cream. I feel like they’re adding to something that’s already perfect.”

A New York Times article titled New Zealand’s Fruit-Rich Ice Cream Gets a Sugary American Makeover announced that the Kiwi classic real fruit ice cream had been adopted in Boston, Oregon, Texas, and more.

“Sometimes the flavours you get are really subtle, and different every time. I feel like you’d lose those flavours in the hubbub of the rest.”

Some shops even built sundaes or milkshakes around it.

“It takes a hot sec to churn out the ice cream, and you get long lines as it is. Also, sometimes the machine can be a bit unwieldy, and the ice cream comes out tall or crooked.”

At most American shops which sell it, real fruit ice cream can be mixed with graham crackers and Oreos, drizzled with hot fudge, caramel, or chamoy, and enjoyed on a chocolate and sprinkledipped cone.

The owner of a real fruit ice cream shop in Massachusetts named his store after the Kiwi saying, “Far Out”, after his business partner took a trip to the South Island in 2015.

Owner August Radbill said what sets American ice-cream culture apart is that “it’s almost hedonistic”.

“I am going to indulge so much, and I am going to get a large with hot fudge, gummy bears and put everything on it because I am not worried about calories.”

Far Out’s website said it offers “what Kiwis call ‘Real Fruit Ice Cream’.”

Dennis Little manufactures the Little Jem, a blender for making real fruit ice cream, in Nelson.

He said in recent months he’d received hundreds of inquiries from Americans wanting to open real fruit ice cream

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She said mixing in sweets and adding toppings would become a problem in the summer rush.

nibs.”

“I suspect that Americans’ preference for ice cream with toppings is multifaceted, and there was no reason at all to frame this article as another jab on eating habits rather than an exploration of a treat food’s overseas transformation,” it continued.

However other commenters agreed that the original way is better, “If I get a chance to try it, I just want it as it is so I can see what is actually being served in New Zealand. No need to smother the real flavour.”

They continued to say, “Do we need to ruin everything? People in other countries must think we are crazy (for so many reasons).”

Preminger said she’d love to try a real fruit ice cream with toppings, but she’d always go back to the classic way.

She appreciated the shop, Far Out, using kiwi slang for their name, “they’re giving credit where it’s due”.

New Zealanders are the biggest consumers of ice cream in the world, with each of us chowing down on around 23 litres per capita per annum, according to the New Zealand ice cream association.

Some Americans were angry at the New York Times article implying that Americans ruined real fruit ice cream.

One comment said, “This ‘American’ is disappointed when regular ‘ole ice cream shops don’t offer the option to add crunch and likes to top her treat with (unsweeteened) nuts, cereal, or cacao

Americans can add oreo, graham crackers, hot fudge, caramel, chamoy, chocolate dip or sprinkle dip. Photo / The New York Times

MASSIVE NEWS

Animal organisation calls on KFC to improve “harsh, dirty, and overcrowded” chicken conditions Brett Kerr Laurie (he/him)

World Animal Protection Australia and New Zealand is petitioning KFC New Zealand to treat their chickens better.

“Chickens raised on KFC farms experience rapid growth rates that surpass their body’s capacity to cope,” said country director Ben Pearson.

“Consequently, they can become incapable of standing and struggle to breathe.”

Pearson said the conditions “are designed to maximise production efficiency and minimise costs”.

Around 120 million chickens are raised for meat annually in New Zealand, with over 300,000 suffering chickens slaughtered a day, according to a 2011 Ministry for Primary Industries study.

World Animal Protection is demanding these conditions improve, with a petition of over 2,000 signatures in July pressuring KFC to join the Better Chicken Commitment (BCC).

Over 500 leading companies across the world have joined the commitment, including KFC United Kingdom and six European KFCs. However, in Australia and New Zealand, just 9 companies have joined, including Domino’s, Hello Fresh, and My Food Bag. The BCC is a set of standards for chickens’ living conditions in the food industry, including the removal of cages and multi-tier systems, and a maximum stocking density of 30kg per square metre.

The standards also include at least six hours of darkness per day and night cycle, controls on air quality, third party auditing, and annual public reporting on commitments.

Pearson said once they can demonstrate a groundswell of support, they will present the petition to KFC,

7 August 2023

“We won’t stop until chickens have room to move and less health issues.”

Pearson said it’s very disappointing KFC New Zealand hadn’t signed up yet, “despite the fact that almost its entire menu consists of chicken-based options”.

The World Animal Protection’s ‘Pecking Order’ ranks fast-food chains on their chicken welfare policies based on corporate commitments, objectives, and performance reporting.

In its 2021 report it found KFC New Zealand was ‘Very Poor’, the worst possible score.

“The living conditions for these animals are harsh, dirty, and overcrowded … They are often kept in extremely cramped spaces, with little room to move or stretch their wings,” Pearson said.

“This overcrowding can lead to stress, aggression, and injuries due to constant competition for limited resources.”

He said it’s not uncommon for the oven to be the most spacious area a KFC chicken ever enters.

Restaurant Brands, who owns KFC New Zealand and other fast-food chains, made a net profit of $32.1

million last year.

Ruby Noton, a third-year Massey design student reviews fried chicken on her Instagram and rated KFC 7/10 due to a crispy texture and spicy flavour.

She said KFC didn’t get a 10/10 “because it’s processed food and not authentic chicken”.

Massive told Noton about the conditions KFC New Zealand’s chickens live and die in, and asked if that changed her rating.

She replied, “That makes me feel gross eating chicken like that, but it isn’t something you think about when you turn up to KFC - I didn’t know that until you told me.”

“It probably would impact my rating, now KFC wouldn’t get over a 5/10 no matter how amazing it was.”

Noton said if KFC joined the BCC she would opt to eat there over other fastfood restaurants.

“I don’t buy non-free-range chicken at the supermarket. It disgusts me to buy the huge chicken breasts, I buy the free-range organic ones.”

If you would like to sign the petition, you can find it at https://www. worldanimalprotection.org.nz/takeaction/kfc-chickens-better-lives.

KFC New Zealand was rated ‘Very Poor’ by World Animal Protection. Photo / Farmwatch

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MASSIVE NEWS

Funeral for tertiary education: Massey and Victoria students protest at Parliament Sammy Carter (she/her)

Last Tuesday, Massey and Victoria students walked to Parliament wearing all black and carrying a coffin to protest the many job and course cuts happening across universities.

“Shame, shame, shame”, students wailed as they made their way up the Parliament steps, chanting into the cold wind.

Last month, Massey vice chancellor Jan Thomas called for the voluntary redundancy of 245 staff members.

“Tertiary education took all my money”, one person yelled, “Nooooo I love my lecturers”.

The cuts target as many as 100 jobs in the College of Sciences, 70 jobs in the College of Humanities and Social Sciences, 35 in the College of Creative Arts, and 15 in the Business School.

The cuts were a way of improving the university’s financial position. Massey recorded an $8.8 million deficit in 2022 and this month announced a year-to-date operating deficit of $14.2m.

However, in June the government announced a $128 million dollar funding boost for universities and a higher education review in response to protests against mass staff redundancies and course cuts.

Saul Grant-Drummond, Massey Students Against Cuts (SAC) organiser, stood on the Parliament steps saying, “Life at Massey has become depressingly surreal.”

He said up to one third of the papers currently offered at Massey are under threat.

“Our senior leadership tries to disguise the cuts as policy.”

Massey had finalised its No and Low 6

7 August 2023

Enrolment policy as well as the Digital Plus policy which would make it easier for the university to cut courses.

The Digital Plus policy aims to anchor each college to be taught at just one physical campus with online study, unless it can be financially justified.

The policies did not specify if current students will have to move to a different campus if they wish to continue in-person study, or if staff will be made redundant or relocated.

Grant-Drummond said, “Behind our backs, they’re firing hundreds of people, they’re hiding, and with no communications with staff, no communications from students.”

He said the No and Low Enrolment policy meant courses with low enrolment will get less funding and therefore less students, and this cycle will continue.

Massey SAC organiser Romany Tasker-Poland wore a black veil as she weeped for the “death of universities”.

“There is no transparency at Massey, at least at Victoria they have been clear about announcing what they intend to do. They’ve not only not announced these things, but they’ve deliberately tried to sneak cuts through.”

She hoped Massey would “come to the table” and go to the government to demand more funding.

In response to the protest, a Massey University spokesperson said, “It is not a good use of the public money we have been entrusted with to continue to support areas which are no longer attracting student demand and interest”.

They said the university had consulted with its “university community” on both the policies.

The spokesperson said the ‘Voluntary Enhanced Cessation’ provided an entirely voluntary opportunity for staff with an ‘enhancement’ of up to a year’s salary.

Alex Brown, a 1st year Screen Arts student, was against all the job and

course cuts, especially the way Massey had gone about it.

“It’s such a slimy and backwards way of doing it, especially trying to keep it from all the students and all the people who would be against it.”

Brown only discovered the news about the job cuts after overhearing teachers discussing it when he worked at Tussock Cafe on the Wellington campus over the break.

He felt it was ridiculous he had to go out of his way to find out such big news he should have been made aware of by Massey.

He wanted Massey to stop gutting degrees and making courses homogenous, “art degrees can’t just be the same thing with two people trying to teach the intricacies that we’ve built up over the decades”.

Jessica Ye, Victoria University Wellington Student Association (VUWSA) president, believed students could sway the election this October, “politicians, you are warned”.

She compared the situation to the UK higher education review commissioned by previous Prime Minister Theresa May, which put students into even more debt.

The income threshold for loan repayments was lowered from more than £27,000 to £25,000 and repayment terms for student loans were extended from 30 years after graduation to 40 years.

“We should be pushing forward a vision of public education,” she said, “we deserve a whole lot better”.

No representation from Massey’s student association, Te Tira Ahu Pae, attended the protest.

A protest at Otago University took place at the same time, where students commandeered the business building. One Otago student faced arrest for wilful damage of property.

MASSIVE NEWS

7 August 2023

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MASSIVE NEWS

Lunch at Massey Costs the Earth Julian Warmington (ia; he/him)

Preparing for the Massive food issue, I bought lunch from Massey Wellington’s Tussock Cafe. With my hot tasty samosa and sandwiches, I sat down to read about the environmental impact of different types of food.

In shock, I nearly dropped my sandwich in my coffee: A third study out of Oxford University found the impacts of producing animal fat-based foods are massive: 75% more destructive for our climate, 66% more deadly to wildlife, and using 54% more water.

Sitting down to talk about the possibility of Tussock going entirely plant-based within the next year, the new manager of Massey Wellington’s only cafe on campus, Lucie Franquet, immediately poured cold water on the idea.

She was “totally one hundred percent” against it.

“Personally, I can live without meat, but you cannot change everybody.”

It’s not clear whether everybody would need to change their lifestyles or identity in order for the cafe to offer food delicious enough for enough staff and students to want to eat one purely plantbased meal a day there.

7 August 2023

discussions around nutrition, economics, and acceptability”.

Smith said the average Kiwi gets half their calcium and B12 from meat and dairy.

He agreed that all calcium needs can be sourced from a plant-based diet, and even folks who eat meat and dairy can be low in B12, but thinks only vegans ought to take supplements against potential deficiency.

He was yet to try eating entirely plantbased for a month, but if Tussock went 100% plant-based, his favourite plantbased meal is pinto beans and nachos.

Jess, a second year Fine Arts student, thought of plant-based foods as a less politicised version of the word “vegan”.

She said, “Some people can be biased against veganism.”

She tried to eat mostly plant-based foods, describing herself as “80% vegan but for butter and cheese”, but these days preferred to check for an organic label.

She went vegetarian in her teens, then vegan, but stopped being so “obsessed” about nutrition, though remaining mindful of the environmental impact of food.

Jess had tried Tussock’s vegan slice, but usually bought lunch from Common Sense Organics just down the road.

Sam is a first year Screen Arts student who used to cook one meal a week entirely plant-based. He still enjoys sharing his plant-based lasagne.

Sam said he was aware of the sixth mass extinction event, meaning humans activities are the sole cause of animal extinction, but he was only aware of the impact of the animal agriculture industry on the health of waterways.

From Tussock, Sam had enjoyed the corn fritter and chips and a “really good” plant-based sandwich.

He would try eating entirely plant-based for a month if fruit and veggies prices went down, and would like to see more plant-based options at Tussock.

Wallace works in the College of Creative Arts at Massey, Wellington. She echoed Sam, saying she would go plant-based if vegetables were “a lot cheaper”.

She thought of plant-based food as a normal thing because her partner is vegan. Her favourite plant-based foods to eat include dumplings, Vietnamese food, and tofu.

If you’d like to send feedback to Tussock, you can email here m.shen@massey.ac.nz

Lucie said her favourite plant-based meal was rice with veggies cooked in coconut milk. But she also said she has little power to affect change within the café, pointing to Cory Anderson, head of commercial services on campus.

Anderson said it’s possible for Tussock to go entirely plant based within a year, but it would need to be in direct response to consumer demand.

Dr Nick Smith is a food systems modeller at Massey University’s Riddet Institute in Palmerston North, using data to analyse the needs of human nutrition.

He had concerns with the “absence of

A samosa and sandwich for a yummy, filling lunch with minimal ecological footprint.

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Kurdish flatbread alla Dapir (Grandma)

By Leila Lois

Since I was a child, my grandma has not lived in the same country as us, as we grew up very international, between the UK and New Zealand. Therefore, when I visit her in the USA, I wear my comfy pants and enter food heaven as she cooks the most delicious traditional Kurdish recipes for me and anyone who stops by for tea or dinner. One of my favourite dishes by her is a Kurdish stew, bamia, made with a slimy green vegetable called okra, also known as ‘lady’s fingers’. It doesn’t sound too scrumptious from my description; but delicately spiced with cumin and garlic, this soup slaps. In my opinion, the best part of the dish is the ‘side bread’. In Kurdish culture, bread is life. The good thing is that these pillowy, grainy, freshly cooked flatbreads are super-easy to make and will accompany any winter meal perfectly. So, I thought I’d share a therapeutic ritual/tasty snack with you all when you have the craving for freshly baked flatbread. This recipe is all you knead!

Barbari Bread (Kurdish flatbread, makes two large or 4 small) Ingredients Dough

1 2/3 to 1 ¾ cups lukewarm water

2 ¼ tsp active dry yeast/instant yeast

4 cups plain white flour 2 tsp salt

Topping

1 tsp sesame seeds or 1 tsp nigella (black) seeds Method

Mix water, yeast, flour and salt in a bowl until well combined then knead the mixture with your hands.

Put dough in a lightly greased large bowl, cover and leave to rise until it is nearly double in size (about one hour).

Divide into 2 large balls gently, or 4 small (depending how big your pan is) then rest it for 10-15 minutes.

Gently roll out and flatten the dough into flat breads in the shape of your pan. Make them fairly thin as they will puff up a bit in the pan.

Fry them with a little olive oil, browning them on each side for approx. 5 min total. The heat of the element should be constant but not burny! Flip onto a plate and sprinkle with sesame or nigella seeds. Chopped rosemary is good, too.

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Massive’s Go-to Meals Brett’s Super Easy Meat on Chips 6+ servings I was spending way too much money on Abrakebabra’s meat on chips at the start of the year, so I attempted to make it myself. I found a random recipe online and it worked. It literally makes 6+ servings of meat on chips for the price of one Abrakebabra serving. The only downside is your body starts to act weird after a few days of only eating potato and meat.

But what I do is just mix up with my hands all at once:

1kg of the cheapest mince u can find 2 teaspoons salt

½ teaspoon black pepper ½ teaspoon cumin

1 teaspoon oregano

1 teaspoon garlic powder ½ teaspoon paprika

4 tablespoons yogurt 2 tablespoons milk

Then shape it into a fat log the size of your arm, wrap it in baking paper, put it in the freezer overnight. Then, you just throw your chips in the oven, slice off as much of the log as u want in nice strips and fry them in pan, then chuck them in on top of your chips and drown it in sweet chilli sauce and garlic aioli.

Annick’s Super Cheap Homemade Oat Milk I would call myself selectively lactose intolerant. I don’t do well with cow milk in general, but I’ll sacrifice my tummy for a tub of my favourite ice cream. When it comes to tea and coffee, though, I drink so much that it’s best for me to use an alternative milk. The yummiest I find is oat milk, but at about $5/litre it can get pretty expensive. I recently invested in a $250 blender and am now making my own oat milk, which including the cost of ingredients should save me $60 a month (after five months recovering the cost of the blender). The homemade oat milk is kind of a pain to make but it’s surprisingly creamy and delicious, and so worth it on the long run.

To make oat milk simply add 1 cup rolled oats + 4 cups water to a high-speed blender and blend on high for 30-45 seconds. Then strain through a clean t-shirt or towel for best results.

Nut milk bags let too much pulp through. Fine mesh strainers also let too much pulp through, so we don’t recommend using them.

This method creates creamy oat milk every time that’s perfect for adding to coffee, matcha, cereal, oats, baked goods, granola and more!

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Mol’s Party Food Favorites: Make Your Friends Envy Your Creativity Keeping it simple. Minimal effort for maximum party superiority.

Fairy Bread

White bread, margarine, sprinkles. Done.

Cheerios

Cook ‘em. Serve with t-sauce. Delish.

Fruit Kebabs

Your choice of fruit, a skewer, marshmallows. Nothing says party without going around the table with your left-over skewer and using it as a fork for the sausage rolls.

Sausage rolls

Make them yourself or get the frozen ones. Slice them as thin as possible to mess with the skewer people.

Sweets

Just get a bowl, fill it with a party mix, add fruit bursts. Done.

Popcorn

Try not to burn it. Put it in a bowl.

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Tui’s Tres leches, A.K.A. the best cake you will ever eat Unfortunately, this is the best cake I’ve ever had. This cake is so good that it makes other cakes taste worse by comparison. When I first made this cake, I cut myself and all my flatmates a slice. There was a quiet reverence, as the sweet smell, thick layer of whipped cream, and dripping condensed milk sauce overwhelmed us. None of us made it to the couch, frozen by the pure ecstasy of this perfect cake; we ate standing up in an almost feverish silence before we all cut another slice. The recipe I follow is by Kathy Paterson for the New Zealand Herald.

4 large eggs, separated into yolks and whites.

¾ cup caster sugar

½ cup full cream milk

1 tsp vanilla extract 1 cup plain flour

1 ½ tsp baking powder

¾ cup evaporated milk

395 g (one tin) sweetened condensed milk 300 ml cream, preferably double cream

Ground cinnamon, for sprinkling

Heat the oven to 170C. Line a cake tin with baking paper.

Beat the egg yolks with ½ cup caster sugar until pale. Add milk and vanilla extract. Sift the flour and baking powder and fold it in.

Beat the egg whites until fluffy, gradually add the remaining ¼ cup caster sugar and continue beating until egg whites are glossy.

Fold 1 heaped tablespoon into the egg mixture to loosen, then fold in the remaining egg whites. Make sure this is fully incorporated.

Spoon into the tin and smooth the top. Bake for 30 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre of the cake comes out clean.

Meanwhile, pour the evaporated milk and 180ml cream into a small saucepan and place over low heat. Heat to just under boiling point, then remove and set aside for 5 minutes. Stir in condensed milk.

Leave the cooked cake to sit for 10 minutes after being removed from the oven. Prick holes all over the surface with a skewer. Slowly drizzle the milk mixture over the hot cake, letting it be absorbed before continuing. Keep about 200ml of the milk mixture, cover and refrigerate.

Once the cake has cooled, cover and place in the fridge for at least 4 hours, preferably overnight.

To serve, lightly whip the remaining cream and spread over the top. Sprinkle with ground cinnamon. Cut and serve with the remaining chilled milk mixture as a sauce.

This recipe goes on to suggest that you could turn the remaining milk mixture into a chocolate sauce, but that’s because Kathy doesn’t realise she has made a holy dish, and that it would be sinful to alter it, so I have not left the instruction here.

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Kai and Fatness From A Place of Aroha

By Cameron McCausland-Taylor

As a fat Māori wahine, I have been involved in the antifatphobia and body positivity space for a while now.

However, I came into the space as very much a baby activist who had grown up in te ao Pākeha, meaning my whakaaro came from a pretty colonised place. The past three years, I have steadily unpacked that and progressed on my journey of reclaiming my Māoritanga in every aspect, including how I view bodies and kai habits. One piece of whakaaro has stood out to me above all - in Māori culture, kai is aroha. It is how we show our love, and our manaakitanga for those around us.

Last year, I was invited as a speaker to Camp Boom, where I shared my kōrero on a panel discussion on the intersection of fatness and identity. I was asked by Ema Tavola the following question - ‘What do you know and how do you feel about whakaaro Māori around fatness?’

My answer was as follows - “You go on the marae and you see big people, and no one makes a thing out of it. You can’t leave the marae without eating kai, so it’s just normal in our communities. That’s how we show our aroha. That’s how we connect with each other. We’re not thinking about calories and what’s in this or that.” I can’t speak for all Māori, of course, but that has been my experience on the marae. My size or how much I eat has never, ever been brought up. In fact, getting seconds has often been encouraged, as long as you’re ka pai to pitch in with the clean-up efforts!

My prior perspectives on kai and fatness are not uncommon; I saw kai as both my best friend and the enemy.

I assigned morality such as “good” and “bad” to different kai, and would beat myself up if I ate something in the “bad” category. I tried a multitude of diets to shrink myself, my weight fluctuating ridiculously since I was about 14 years old because none of these diets were sustainable longterm, and again with the beating up because I couldn’t keep the weight off. I wanted so badly to be skinny and eat clean 24/7, heavily restricting myself and leaving no wiggle room, and it was a very sad life to live.

This whakaaro came from growing up with the desire to be thin shoved down my throat my entire life. But along my Māoritanga journey, I’ve learnt that kai means so much more to Māori than simply a means of survival or a way to fuel our bodies. This is where I introduce the concepts 14

of kai sovereignty and kai security, explained by Christina McKerchar and other researchers as integral to several cultural concepts and practices in te ao Māori. These concepts and practices include mana, manaakitanga, and mahinga kai. Mahinga kai then goes on to incorporate connections between environment and health, as well as reinforcing whakapapa, cultural identity and strength.

I don’t have a lot of experience with mahinga kai in terms of hunting and gathering. However, as I have started to explore my love for preparing Māori kai, such as hangi, boil up and fry bread, it’s encompassesd all of the above concepts that Mckerchar talks about. I feel a whakapapa connection to my tīpuna, envisioning how they once poured their aroha into a boil up to feed their whānau, and feeling pride at carrying on our cultural identity through our kai traditions. I feel a sense of manaakitanga, cooking kai from my culture for my partner from another part of the world, and sharing those moments in preparing, cooking, and eating together.

I develop a deeper appreciation for the whenua, the moana, and everywhere else we gather our kai, reflecting on the environment’s contribution to my hauora.

Hei aha, not everyone in Māori culture holds the same views I’ve expressed throughout this piece. In fact, people within my Māori whānau have been the most fatphobic towards me, saddening me at how deeply colonisation has trickled into our whānau ways of thinking. I look to Ashlea Gillon and fellow researchers’ whakaaro on fatness in a holistic Māori framework, sharing how obesity isn’t a Māori construct and doesn’t have a direct translation into te reo Māori, yet words for fatness are often showered with positive connotations.

Nourishment is also emphasised hugely in relation to both kai and fatness, with Gillon referencing a certain whakatauki - Te toto o te tāngata, he kai; te oranga o te tāngata, he whenua (Food supplies the blood of people, their welfare/ wellness depends on the land).

The te ao Māori lens of looking at my body and my kai habits has genuinely saved me. When I feed myself now, I do my best to come from a place of aroha, a deep yearning to truly nourish my body and treat her well (but also, let her have a little cheeky Macca’s trip, because what is life without a cheeseburger combo?). I also don’t hold myself to ridiculously colonial and Eurocentric beauty standards

because let’s be honest, I will never fulfil them! The saying “What’s best for Māori is best for everyone” is a statement I say wholeheartedly with my full chest - our people are SO onto it with whakaaro like this! In the Pākeha world we find ourselves in, we desperately need this type of thinking to decolonise how we look at ourselves and how we look at others. We shouldn’t feel like we need to be punished for enjoying good kai and for being fat (PSA: fat is not a bad word). Kai IS aroha, it IS manaakitanga, it IS whakapapa. Can we just collectively leave the colonial bullshit behind and started counting our lucky stars for the kai we’re blessed with instead? Āmine!

Glossary: Wahine - woman Te ao Pākeha - the Pākeha world Whakaaro - opinion Māoritanga - Māori culture and way of life Kai - food Aroha - love, compassion, empathy, etc Manaakitanga - hospitality, kindness, support, etc Kōrero - discussion, conversation, etc Ka pai - good Mana - prestige, authority, power, etc Mahinga kai - food gathering place, garden, etc Whakapapa - genealogy Tīpuna - ancestors Moana - ocean Hauora - health Whakataukī - proverb

Kai Karakia: Whakapainga ēnei kai (bless these foods) Hei oranga mō te tinana (for the goodness of our bodies) Mō ō mātou wairua hoki (and for our spirits as well) Āmine (amen)

Illustration by Annick Harvey

Illustration by Eden Laing

School Camp: What's on the Menu?

By Molly Richards (she/her)

I wouldn’t call myself an avid camper. Honestly, it’s just not my thing. Sure, I like nature and all that, but my version of a holiday is at the poolside. Gratefully, I did go on many school camps throughout primary and high school and despite my disdain towards sleeping bags and relentless sandflies, I look fondly back on the memories beside the campfire. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, as much as I liked all the sing songs fireside, I don’t intend to be camping anytime soon, for myriad reasons all overshadowed by camp food. As a privilege disclaimer, school trips are a privilege that I was extremely lucky to be able to have, so this is in no way me being ungrateful. Just a reminiscence into the past for some light entertainment.

Obviously, I exempt marshmallows over a fire from this list but the rest from my experience can get wrecked.

Absolutely not again. I wouldn’t say that I’m really a picky eater, but I do have my limits. A plate of what I can only describe as orange goop attempting to pass as curry is where I draw the line.

So, it seems in traditional Mol fashion I shall be taking a stroll down memory lane to the worst school camp food offerings, Hell’s Kitchen style. This week I am Gordon Ramsey, only that I’m no chef and a not so happy camper.

Raro? Like many of us I’m sure, we went absolutely feral for that navel orange straight from the packet. Bumped up on sugar it was the highlight of camp. However, Raro on school camp isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. For starters they never got the ratio right. One packet per litre. Simple math, easy. Nope. On school camps you’d be lucky to get half a packet in five litres. Honestly what was the point?

They really liked to play with your already fragile emotional state with that tease of greatness. The thimble of Raro per serving only to tint the water a lacklustre shade of orange.

I don’t know about you, but I want my Raro how it was intended, neon. Neon orange. So orange that I can look at it and taste the flavour, so orange it burns my retinas. I can’t believe the teachers thought we missed the drastic colour shift between the student vs teacher Raro pints. Absolute bullshit. If you can’t tell, I’m still pissed.

Continuing my rant, how about Milo. You don’t want half a spoon of Milo; fill half the cup and add a dash of milk. On school camps, the milo shortage got so bad the teachers had to police our portioning, devastating.

A bit of a flip flop back to Raro, I’m not quite done. If you 12 18

are going to survive a two-week camp, you need to be prepared. Forget the plasters, make room for extra sachets of Raro to consume right out the bag. Honestly, a little prisoner-esque contraband aesthetic but, desperate times. Another thing when you’re hiding that sugary goodness, remember to seal it shut to avoid spilling it through the tent. Sleeping in sugar sand all night on the cold tarps in a tent is hellish. On the bright side, you do wake up permanently smelling like an orange. I speak from experience, unfortunately. At least my tent didn’t flood at the same time because then I’d literally be sleeping in poorly ratioed Raro cordial.

Okay a little bit of Richards family lore; my dad makes the greatest sausage rolls known to man. I’m not even being dramatic; a container of these sausage rolls at camp started an all-out power struggle and student uprising. To be honest, it was legendary. My dad found out the teachers were gatekeeping the sausage rolls for themselves and none of my classmates got to try them. Outraged, he told my sister and I to smuggle one container in for our friends and the other one was given to the teachers with strict instructions to share them with the rest of the students.

On the topic of food smuggling, I may or may not have started my own chocolate egg cartel on one school camp. You see it was all perfect, I had been given a bag of mini chocolate eggs for the camp, and I’m not too big on chocolate but I do like money. Being a business-savvy 12-year-old, I saw an opportunity to make some camp moola. Each of these eggs were going at two camp dollars a pop. It was all underground of course, but I even sold caramel eggs to some teachers who will remain nameless.

Very Breaking Bad of me.

When you cross a river and then it floods the next day, you’re stuck until it goes down. I have no idea why they decided to take us across the river just out of camp for survival training, but I guess they didn’t think it would get quite so real. If anything, it proved just how unfit for the wild we all were. We survived, however this little f-up left us stranded across the river for an extra day staring longingly at the camp over the hill. Naturally, as survivalists, we had no food. We did, however, have a bottle of maple syrup and Milo powder. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Illustration by Eden Laing

14 26 18

Sexcapades Mr. 6ft 5 with the dreamy brown eyes After a long and exhausting week of completely ignoring my responsibilities and pretending my papers aren’t kicking my butt two weeks into the semester, I decided to reward myself with a dirty sex sesh.

Wiping off my pants with impressive speed, the sex demon kissed every single part of my body to the point where I’m pretty sure I could have hit the big-o from his tongue/lip combo alone.

Facing my fears of rejection and awkward small talk, I flicked a couple possible boo thangs a “hey, how you doin” - Joey Tribbiani original of course, and within an hour or two I had officially locked in a spicy date with a lad who looked way too pretty to be real.

Of course, I also had to give him my best work, and after a couple mutual big-o’s, I was so speechless I couldn’t even open my eyes, my ears were ringing, and it took everything in me not to ask him to marry me. Honestly illegal a man can be that tall, good looking and sexually talented.

The problem was, I don’t have a boyfriend and my favourite situationship/most toxic boy I’ve ever met has been ghosting me for the past month. So, I did what my bestie, A.K.A. the queen of single slutty summer suggested, and jumped on Tinder.

After some screaming, crying and throwing up (not literally but in the white girl sense), I had successfully shaved every single inch of my body, almost passed out from the temperature of the shower, lathered my body in Bum Bum cream and found my sexiest set of Lonely lingerie.

By the time he actually embarked on the foreplay element of the night, I was dripping, I was drooling, I was the protagonist in every over dramatic Netflix sex scene. Clearly a biology major, or should I say sexology, the man knew his ABCs and knew them well.

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Happy vibes always, Use code 6FTFIVE15 for 15% off at girlsgetoff.co.nz

*The* shower is no joke, legends.

Then there was a knock at the door and Mr. 6ft 5 with the dreamy brown eyes had arrived looking exactly like his pics.

Small talk on the end of my bed ensued, confirming it as my absolute biggest ick, thankfully he was on the same page and we pretty much got straight down to business.

This story was written by Girls Get Off Instagram: @girlsgetoff Website: girlsgetoff.co.nz

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story?

Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours

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Solicited Advice

From Pocket

Solicited advice is a weekly column where Massive’s own four-legged Agony Aunty, Pocket, shares her wisdom and experience with you all. She speaks only truths.

Dear Pocket, where’s good around Welly campus for a feed?

I am a creature of refined taste, it must be said. In my many years of adventuring around the streets of Mt Cook, I have had many tasty morsels cross my delicate palate. From the fine dining chefs at Hiakai sneaking me delicious offcuts to rummaging through the bins behind Basin Noodle House for old tofu, there is a wide variety of food options in this beautiful suburb. For me, and my beautiful and kissable face, these delights are free. For you fleshy and misshapen humans, however, they will cost. So I recommend keeping an eye out at the Te Tira Ahu Pae office and on their social media for whenever they have free food available.

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Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered?

DM Massive Magazine on Instagram or editor@massivemagazine.org.nz and look out for next week’s issue - no question is too difficult for Pocket.

Aries

Aquarius

Pisces

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Aquarius, your eccentricity will be in full bloom as you start a campaign to replace the traditional handshake with a high-five and a secret handshake that involves jazz hands and interpretive dance moves.

Pisces, your vivid imagination will lead you to create an entire fictional world in your mind, complete with magical creatures and a language only you can understand. Your friends will admire your creativity while secretly questioning your sanity.

Aries, this week your energetic spirit will have you considering a career as a professional pogo stick jumper. Just remember to wear a helmet to protect your ambitious ideas from bouncing away.

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Apr 20 - May 20

May 21 - June 21

June 22 - July 22

Taurus, your stubbornness will be put to the test when you refuse to give up on convincing your cat to become a vegetarian. Spoiler alert: They’ll give you a disdainful meow and continue devouring their chicken dinner.

Gemini, your duality will be on full display as you simultaneously debate the existence of aliens and wonder if your toaster has a secret agenda to burn all your breakfast pastries.

Cancer, prepare for an emotional whirlwind as you cry while watching a YouTube video about kittens, then burst into laughter because you realize the video is just a cleverly disguised advertisement for catnip.

Leo

Virgo

Libra

July 23 - Aug 22

Aug 23 - Sep 22

Sep 23 - Oct 23

Leo, this week your regal demeanor will have you requesting a red carpet be rolled out before you enter any room, regardless of whether it’s a fancy gala or just your grandma’s living room. Confidence is key, after all.

Virgo, your attention to detail will reach new heights as you spend hours creating a spreadsheet to track your daily coffee consumption, complete with color-coded graphs and a satisfaction rating for each cup.

Libra, your indecisiveness will reach epic proportions as you spend an hour contemplating whether to order pizza or Chinese food, only to end up with both because you couldn’t bear to choose.

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Scorpio, your mysterious aura will have people whispering secrets in your presence, believing you possess a supernatural ability to uncover the truth.

Little do they know; your true talent lies in guessing the correct Wi-Fi password on the first attempt.

Sagittarius, your wanderlust will lead you to consider trading your car for a unicycle, convinced it’s the most efficient mode of transportation for your next globe-trotting adventure.

Capricorn, your determination will be unwavering as you strive to break the world record for most consecutive days without blinking. Spoiler alert: Eye drops will become your new best friend.

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Top 5 Malaysian Foods I Wish to See in Aotearoa

By Elizabeth Chan

I’ll be honest, I definitely miss more than five dishes and delicacies from my home whenever the homesickness sets in. In fact, just when I think five is enough, the list just keeps going on and on. But like others who have come a long way from home with the expectation of authentic flavours to be incorporated into their favourite dishes, food from home just doesn’t taste the same here... and this goes for everywhere around the world that tries to recreate ‘authentic’ food from cuisines around the globe. Without further ado, here are the top five dishes and delicacies from home I want to see more of in Aotearoa.

Yong Tau Foo

The problem with trying to include Malaysian cuisine in another country is the fact that Malaysia is a multicultural country, which means there are multiple cuisines from each ethnicity and race. This means it’s almost impossible to include all dishes and delicacies of Malaysian cuisine in other countries due to the variety of cuisines resulting from a variety of ethnicities. To be frank, even though I’ve been raised and lived in Malaysia up to my secondary school years, there are some dishes I have yet to discover. Another issue that I always encounter when finding Malaysian food to eat here in Aotearoa is that most of the restaurants and diners only serve the most popular Malaysian dishes and leave out the lesser popular dishes that I’ve been craving for ages. Sometimes, they cruelly serve them as seasonal items and mark the prices up since it’s really “difficult” to make, when they are practically found everywhere and sold cheaply back home. There is one dish that is a must-have whenever I return home. To leave home without enjoying that dish is practically suicide.

A part of Hakka Chinese cuisine (Hakka is basically one of the Chinese clans that migrated to Malaysia), yong tau foo has been my comfort food ever since I was a kid. Okay, my grandmother’s cooking is actually the food that I can never get enough of, but since she’s now too old to cook, yong tau foo has stepped in and has always stayed by my side.

Yong tau foo basically consists of a variety of pan fried vegetables, such as eggplant, okra, chili and bittergourd; steamed tofu; deep fried tofu skin (foo chuk) and/or other beancurds all stuffed with fish paste. There are some variations that include pork inside the fish paste, but I prefer the fish paste version because the pork can sometimes 24

taste and smell too… porky. Yong tau foo is either served submerged in a clear soup cooked with anchovy stock or chicken stock (I can’t tell because the restaurants always pour in loads of MSG and pepper that distort the taste) or dry without any soup. I prefer the soup version because the dry version just feels too dry and oily (hence it being the dry version) and I wish to see more of yong tau foo in Aotearoa.

Nyonya kuih

Nyonyas are basically those who are ethnically Chinese but do not speak Chinese because their main languages are Malay and English. Nyonya kuih is a dessert that comes in a variety of forms, but the main ingredients each has in common is coconut milk, rice flour and tapioca. Most of them are sweet, but depending on the cook, some have a salty-sweet flavour, and some are wrapped in pandan leaves. Pandan leaves come from a plant that makes the coconut flavour more fragrant. If I had to describe the texture, I would describe them as soft and chewy. My personal favourite is definitely the ondehondeh because it is so unique and fun to eat. It’s basically coconut rice flour balls of goodness coated with coconut flakes filled with molten gula melaka (palm sugar) inside that just bursts into your mouth once you sink your teeth into it. The good ones have a strong gula melaka taste that has a strong sugar flavour and coconut fragrance.

Banana leaf rice

Technically, banana leaf rice isn’t natively Malaysian as the dish was brought over by Indians and those of Indian descent when they migrated to Malaysia. Banana leaf rice is basically many dishes served as one on a banana leaf, which is why I love it because you get to eat so many yummy dishes in one meal, especially since those are food I can’t get from my culture. When eating banana leaf rice, you are typically served with a choice of 3 or more types of curries, such as chicken curry, mutton curry, or fish curry over your rice. The meal comes with Indian side dishes such as pappadom (an oversized chip made from lentils and spices), deep fried vegetables, and salad.

Some good banana leaf restaurants come with rassam which is sour-spicy South Indian soup that tastes super appetising. You can order a side or two of other meat

dishes like fried chicken or calamari to accompany your meal.

Keropok lekor

Not a dish, but my favourite snack. Keropok lekor is deep fried flour sticks made of fish and salt that appears slightly golden-grey in colour. I know it sounds unappetising, but it’s just one of those foods that look yuck but taste yum.

Authentic nasi lemak

No offence and I hate to break it to anyone out there who has tried nasi lemak here, but the nasi lemak here does not taste like the nasi lemak back home. For instance, we do not serve our hard-boiled eggs and sambal (the red sweet chili shrimp paste) refrigerator-cold with the steaming hot coconut rice, meat and lukewarm dried anchovies and peanuts. It’s not kimchi, which is Korean fermented cabbage that is meant to be served cold. I know international cuisines will never taste as authentic as they are served in their native countries, but cold sambal and eggs? Come on!

By Tui Lou Christie (she/they)

If you’ve been on the internet in the past few weeks, you would have seen articles, podcasts, and hourlong takedown videos by alt-right politicians labelling Barbie (2023) as ‘anti-man’. You also would have seen countless articles, TikToks, and social media posts of people responding to Barbie (2023) with tears, laughter, and connection, genuine and complex emotions about womanhood and girlhood.

First of all; Yes, Barbie was good. Greta Gerwig’s writing and direction is hilarious and effective, but one thing shines through the strongest, and that is the incredible sense of warmth that characterises Gerwig’s filmmaking. She has such a strong focus on the human experience, which is funnily enough in full force in this film about plastic toys.

The acting is fantastic. I knew Margot Robbie would be the perfect Barbie, because I knew she would get it. She would get the complicated and conflicting feelings. I didn’t realise that Ryan Gosling’s Ken would be an equally heavy hitter, but the moment he strutted onto the dance floor, I realised that he got it, too. Both of them had such fantastic comedic timing and emotional beats.

Everything about this film is so perfectly curated, as it has to be when you’re in this alternate fantasy dreamland.

The outstanding sets and costumes are elevated by the strong colour schemes, the fun and silly details, and the editing choices that turn the film into such a strong visual experience. The film overflows with camp energy. It’s clear in sparkly pink Barbieland, but still present even in the shiny grey corporate offices. This is not to say that the film is without criticism. Many have correctly pointed out that while there is a great diversity of Barbies, there is a lack of meaningful indigenous representation and some undercurrents of fatphobia. There’s also no escaping the chains of capitalism and hyper-consumerism.

In general, however, Barbie is a fun, whimsical ode to women and girls (all women and girls, Barbie says trans rights), but also womanhood and girlhood. It’s an ode to children’s toys, from a distinctly nostalgic look. There’s subtlety about the past, acting and humour that can hit like a train if you were raised and socialised as a girl. There is this big collision between an adult, retrospective view of

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girlhood, and a girl’s view of adulthood through imaginative play.

When engaging in social imitation play with dolls, little girls are interpreting and reproducing adulthood through their own understanding. This is still honestly fresh in my memory of playing with dolls, and this movie captures this child-like, limited understanding of social systems, while still incorporating elements and patterns of adult behaviour that we only notice as grown adults ourselves (like the semiuniversal female experience of having a man play guitar at you). It’s part of the genius of the film. It relies on us as an audience and our experience of the complicated absurdity, contradiction, community, and power of being a woman.

It is labelled as anti-man for its ‘stereotypes’ about male interests. Imagine you’ve asked a small child, playing with toys, “what do men like?” They might think for a minute and answer, “horses.” Or, “big cars, martial arts, sports, sunglasses, guitars…” You get it, right? It’s hardly different from the way the Barbies love ‘woman’ things like makeup, shoes, friendship, and feelings. The kens aren’t representative of men; they’re representative of patriarchy.

They show that the shackles of gendered expectations don’t just affect women, but everyone. All the time, women enjoy (or are expected to enjoy) media that is made by, for, and about men (trust, that’s a lot of media). That doesn’t exclude us as women from enjoying that media, but when it is the other way around, that doesn’t seem to be the case as often. Barbie is a film made by, for, and about women, which is a rare occurrence that usually makes some men confused and uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t preclude you from enjoying it no matter your gender.

If you don’t understand Barbie (2023), that’s fine, it’s not for you. You have other things that are for you (Transformers, I guess? Not sure what men are into these days), and not for me, but I don’t go around claiming they are hateful because of that. But Barbie was made for me. And my mum, and my mother-in-law, and my colleagues, and my student peers, and my friends. When we get together in groups, laugh, connect, dress in pink, and giggle our way to the theatre, “that doesn’t diminish our powers… it expands them!”

Illustration by Tui Lou Christie

Depression Meals II: Journey to Flavourtown

Illustration by Annick Harvey

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By Aiden Charles (he/they)

No one asked for it, but I know you wanted it. The sequel to my award-winning, hard-hitting, groundbreaking piece of journalism, Depression Meals, is finally here.

It’s bigger.

It’s badder.

It’s Depression Meals II babyyyyyy!

We are back with another round of Depression Meals.

They’re the foods for when the big sad is too big. I have ‘em, you have ‘em, let’s tuck right in.

This time we will also give the most special of mentions to the humble 2-Minute Noodle. The staple food of students everywhere, be they in a cup, bowl, or straight out of the packet.

Just like last episode, I’ve hit-up some of my fellow staff to see what they consume when the big sad is making food prep hard, and I’ll be offering my no-holds-barred, completely unbiased opinion on their delicacies. I may lose their respect over this, but it’s worth it. And like last time, we’ll be starting with my own depression-based snack too so it’s not like I’m just dogging on people’s food.

So, dear reader, come with me on this journey to Flavourtown.

Aiden’s Meal

0-Minute Noodles What you’ll need:

• Your choice of noodles • Big bottle of water

This ones for when even the microwave is too much to handle!

This one’s for when even the microwave is too much to handle!

You take your noodles and crush them to hell, open them up, take the flavour sachet and tip it all in. Gently pinch the top of the packet and shake that thang as if it’s your ass at The Daily. Once thoroughly shaken, open, and either shovel into your food hole with no fear of coating your hands in flavouring, or gently pour into your mouth with what little respect you can muster.

Yup, it ain’t classy, but it fills a hole. 0-Minute Noodles are like chips but are simultaneously better and worse. They’re convenient, but your mouth is gonna burn once you’ve eaten half the packet. Also, the final noodles will always be

caked in flavouring and inedible, lest you want to demolish your tastebuds with salt. Also, if you don’t chug water afterwards, you’re gonna get dehydrated as hell. Dead serious, 0-Minute Noodles have a real-life status effect of sucking the water outta your stomach while they sit there, dehydrating the eater and making them wonder why they didn’t just make regular noodles.

Also, my mum would tell me off for eating them when I was little so they must be bad.

Rating: 4/10

Post eating feeling: Nostalgic, but very dry and very, very salty.

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Brett’s Meal

M&Ms in the Dark What you’ll need

• M&Ms (180g bag) • The dark

The details for this recipe are of utmost importance. The M&Ms MUST be a 180g bag, the room MUST be pitch black, and you MUST complain about your sore tummy afterwards.

If you fail to achieve these three criteria you have not had M&Ms in the Dark, you’ve merely had M&Ms with the dark.

Fun fact about me: I am not a fan of the dark. When this recipe came across my messages, I was nervous, because the dark makes me nervous. But I got over it, and I ate those M&Ms, and I did so in the dark. And after all was said and done, I grumbled about my sore stomach and how awful I felt post sugar crash. This one can either be a quick snack or an hour-long feast depending on how many M&Ms you shovel into your mouth at any one time. It is a classic, but not one to be indulged in too often. This is also one of the few meals I’ve had multiple times prior, with my personal favourite variant being Peanut M&Ms in The Dark.

Rating: 180g/10

Post Eating Feeling: uuuughhhhhh

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Molly’s meal

Mol’s everything noodles What you’ll need

• Noodles (no shit) • Teriyaki sauce • Maple syrup

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• Chilli (powder or flakes) • Soy sauce

• Fried egg (OPTIONAL)

“I go ham on the spices and don’t stop at the packets (bonus points if your noodles are neon orange). My dad taught me but over time I’ve added my own spice.

So, what you want to do is cook those noodles in the hot water on their own, drain most of the water, add your flavour packets. Then you’re gonna want to add some teriyaki sauce (or whatever bb-que sauce you have). Add some maple syrup (trust me), some extra chilli (don’t measure, let it speak to you) then a dash of soy sauce. Stir it up and bang it back in the microwave if you want them extra hot. Top with a fried egg if you’re feeling extra. - Mol :)”

Aiden’s thoughts

Now due to the nature of ingredients required, and the nature of my wallet being empty, I was not able to make this recipe. I am so sorry that I’ve hurt my journalistic integrity and will punish myself severely in due time.

I will still give my thoughts on this, which are as follows: why does this genuinely sound amazing??

Anyone who read maple syrup and shuddered, I gotta say, don’t knock it till you try it! I’ve created many a weird and wonderful dish featuring maple syrup, my most favourite being mac and cheese with the stuff stirred through. It adds a complimentary sweetness to anything you’ve created.

Now the egg, I’m not too keen on. But hey, I’ll try anything once!

Two for two on the “Aiden didn’t make this one.” I’M SORRY! OKAY, I’M SORRY! I’M A FRAUD I KNOW.

Dolma sounds utterly delicious though and is another one on the list of foods I have to eat in the near future. Make the filling, wrap it in the leaves, then simmer. Simple!

Leila has also provided a link to the recipe for this dish, so give it a go!

www.themediterraneandish.com/stuffed-grape-leavesdolmades/

Aiden’s thoughts

Again, I didn’t eat it this time, but you can bet that I will.

Simple and delicious. Easy to prep, quick to make, means a fuller stomach faster. What’s not to love?

Rating: See rating for Mol’s Everything Noodles/10

Post eating feeling: I am living in a Dolmaless existence and it’s making me upset.

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Sammy’s Meal

Sammy’s GIRL DINNER What You’ll Need

• Tinned spaghetti • Toast

• Butter

Oh Wattie’s tinned spaghetti, while you may be soft and kind of weird, and you make my tummy hurt due to your milk content, you taste so so so good.

Prep tinned spaghetti, make toast, butter up said toast, and dump that spaghetti on there.

Molly’s meal here sounds like the perfect slap-together of things you might have in your cupboard. I’m sure many of you would be able to have a crack at this, and I know when my next loan comes through, I’ll be giving it a go…

OR

Post eating feeling: Don’t @ me for not making it I’m a broke little creature.

OR OR OR

Rating: I’d fuck with that/10

Leila’s Meal

Dolma

What you’ll need:

• Rice (cooked the night before) • Jarred grape leaves

• Pomegranate molasses • Lemon juice

Prep tinned spaghetti, make toast, butter up said toast, and dip it into the spaghetti like you’re the cast of Bridgerton or something.

Do all of the above but instead of toast, chuck it on buns and put it in the oven, BOOM: SPAGHETTI PIZZA.

Aiden’s thoughts

There are very few incorrect ways to enjoy tinned spaghetti, as they are near perfect already. Sammy’s method of chucking the spaghetti on toast or on pizza is tried and true.

Also, this meal is Sammy’s “GIRL DINNER”. I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it translates to “quality”.

Authors note: Sammy explained TikTok to me cause I’m a

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grandpa, and I now understand what Girl Dinner is. “A meal that’s easy to throw together and not actually a meal… one example of a girl dinner would be three crackers with cheese, some popcorn and some nuts. Like you’ve just thrown it on a plate and you’re like, yeah, that’s dinner.”

Rating: 10/10, perfection.

Post eating feeling: GIRL DINNEEEERRR

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Annick’s meal Carrot

Ingredients

• A carrot

You remove the end of the carrot. You eat the carrot.

Aiden’s thoughts

It’s a carrot. Cannot go wrong. Why add more to what nature has already perfected?

Rating: we can’t rate this, it’s beyond our comprehension Post eating feeling: Hope.

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Once more we are at the end of the road. We have arrived in Flavourtown. But Flavourtown was never the destination, it was the journey, and the depression meals we ate along the way. Regardless, this is the end. I’ll see you next year in the exciting conclusion to this saga: Depression Meals III: Flava Flav and the Flavourtown Flavour-Off!

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