Massive: Issue 01 'Fresh'

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS

ISSUE ONE A MONDAY 26TH FEBRUARY

A EST. 2012

MASSIVE

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01. EDITORIAL | ETITA 02. NEWS | KAWE PŪRONGO UNIVERSITY “CYNICALLY” CUT 54 04. MASSEY HUMANITIES AND SOCIAL SCIENCES STAFF

05. ALBANY CAMPUS BEGINS ITS RAINBOW ROOM PROJECT 06. MANAWATŪ LIBRARY REPAIRS LEFT IN LIMBO

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07. MASSEY UNIVERSITY MAY SELL $150 MILLION WORTH OF PROPERTY, ALBANY CAMPUS HIT THE HARDEST

03. FEATURES | AHUATANGA 10.

12.

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FANTASTIC FRESHERS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM DON'T LET THE FRESHER FLU GET YOU

UNDER FRESHER

24 PREDICTIONS BINGO FOR 2024 FRESHER'S BUCKET LIST

04. COLUMNS | TĪWAE 22.

23.

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ABOUT US

RAMMING WITH FERGUS

THAT'S COOKED. SEXCAPADES

05. HOROSCOPES 06. PUZZLES | PANGA

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Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

NZ Media Council: Those with a complaint towards the publication should first complain in writing to the editor editor@massivemagazine.org.nz If unsatisfied with the response, complaints should be made to the NZ Media Council info@mediacouncil.org.nz

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This magazine is made from a mixture of paper from FSC-certified forests and other controlled material.

Printed by a Toitu carbon zero certified company.

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01 A EDITORIAL A ETITA

Editorial R.

NEW YEAR, NEW EDITO

STARTING STRONG WITH SHOTGUNNING

I

attempted to get into the Fresher and O-Week spirit by learning to shotgun. I watched a couple YouTube tutorials, covered some cans in our logo, and stabbed my flat key in them. I even shook up the can to really get the full spraying effect. I heard you’re actually meant to open the can before you stab into it, but that was too many things to think about.

My mistake was doing this in the morning.

I was drenched, sticky, and stuck sitting in my wet cardigan for the rest of the workday. But we did indeed get the photo and I got to feel like a Fresher again.

This should tell you how committed I am to making Massive great this year. I take no blame for any errors.

If you spot any spelling mistakes or crossword screw ups—it’s the sub-editor and designer’s fault. I can hold my hands up and say… you should point at them.

—Love, Sammy.

Contribute to

CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR STUDENT MAGAZINE! OUR UPCOMING THEMES ARE IDENTITY, FASHION AND FARMING. SEND YOUR WRITING, ILLUSTRATION OR PHOTOGRAPHY PITCHES TO: EDITOR@MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ

BY THE 8TH OF MARCH. MASSIVE

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02 A NEWS A KAWE PŪRONGO

26TH FEBRUARY 2024

ISSUE ONE

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

MASSEY UNIVERSITY “CYNICALLY” CUT 54 HUMANITIES AND SOCIAL SCIENCES STAFF WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

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espite Massey University’s plans to sell $150 million worth of property this year, it has cut 54 staff—many over email.

“The process has been absolutely appalling and impersonal,” Schmidt said.

According to the student association, since 2023 Massey has cut 280 staff—the single largest layoff in New Zealand university history.

“What we really need is an employer that puts staff before buildings,” Tertiary Education Union (TEU) organiser, Ben Schmidt said.

On the 15th of February, the university released its final decision to cut staff from the College of Humanities and Social Science (CoHSS).

The decision was announced to staff over a “deeply impersonal and inappropriate” webinar.

After the short notice meeting, emails were sent to staff being let go.

Massive understands some staff were let go, while others took a voluntary cessation option.

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The cuts are due to the university's financial strain, with vice-chancellor Jan Thomas predicting a deficit of about $41 million for 2023. This included $19 million in redundancy costs.

The college’s budget had a shortfall of $6.14 million as of September last year, the biggest expense being staff related costs.

The TEU proposed that Massey could reduce space costs, reduce annual leave liability and focus on increasing enrolment, saying this would be more than enough to cover CoHSS budget shortfall.

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However, Massey felt this plan would fail.

He felt Massey purposely made cuts during the summer break to keep students quiet and reduce backlash.

Enrolment numbers in CoHSS had dropped over 2,500 over the past 11 years, according to the final decision document.

He said staff who will be rehired will have “twice as much work just for the honour of not being fired”.

Cynthia White, CoHSS pro vice-chancellor said staff who had been let go were given the chance to compete for available positions or be redeployed.

She said there was a three-month notice period for all staff whose positions had been disestablished.

While the size of the layoffs meant many internal students’ courses would be forced to move online, White said no qualifications or disciplines would close.

Student association president, Hennessey Wilson said the entire process had been done “cynically”.

151 submissions were received in response to the preliminary decision and proposal for change.

The submissions showed that many staff and students thought no changes should be made to the disciplines or were not at all supportive.

Both the TEU and student association felt the university did not fully engage with the options put forward.

The first proposal in October projected up to 40 staff losses, however, this was increased to 54 after lower-than-expected enrolments over summer.

ALBANY CAMPUS BEGINS ITS RAINBOW ROOM PROJECT

YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

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wo years ago, a rainbow room was just an idea. But now, Massey’s Albany campus has a rainbow room that’s not just for cis white gay men.

Student development coordinator Sam Duffy said the room is a dedicated space “for the community to just be".

Albany students called for a space for queer, trans, Māori, Pasifika, and BIPOC people in 2022.

The room is currently located in the Atrium building but may be moved later this year, potentially to the Student Central building.

Duffy said the room is centered around what students want and need.

Massey’s Co-Lab team reached a prototype stage late last year after two years of planning, coordinating, modeling, and testing to create a diverse space for the rainbow community.

“Even just being in a space that’s dedicated for you can make you so much more comfortable.”

Duffy was hopeful that the room would become permanent soon.

The Manawatū campus opened the first rainbow room in Massey history mid last year in the student association building.

Wellington is yet to have a rainbow room as no students have prompted it.

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MANAWATŪ LIBRARY REPAIRS LEFT IN LIMBO

ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

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assey’s Manawatū library project once had a budget of $58.75 million, but now sits depressingly with no set plan to finish renovations.

A Massey University spokesperson said the project was pulled last year, leaving it unclear what the new budget would be.

The spokesperson said the decision was made to pause the library transformation in the interest of the university’s “capital investments”.

“Work is continuing on the design, and the cost of the library is being funded in the future.”

Improvements to the temporary library space suggest the university would not be finishing the library project any time soon.

The head librarian at the Manawatū campus, Linda Palmer said, “The staff had been making way for the renovations by moving print books that are in low use to storage and thus condensing the books, which will allow for bigger study spaces for students.”

The design for the transformed library aimed to emphasise students feeling welcome, safe, and focused on their studies.

The transformation included new study rooms, more quiet places, improved air conditioning, and accommodating those with disabilities.

The planned design did not have a specific space for LGBTQIA+ students, but library staff were keen to hear proposals and feedback on all the current library buildings, as well as any future designs.

Improvements included better power supply, new carpet, and expanded seating arrangements.

The university was asked when renovations on the new library would begin, but did not answer this question.

Despite the delays, the spokesperson said, “The Senior Leadership Team remains committed to this project.”

If the project is finished, it will introduce more modern and fit for purpose facilities, contributing to a potentially vibrant campus.

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Concept design made in 2020 for the library. Photo / Massey University

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MASSEY UNIVERSITY MAY SELL $150 MILLION WORTH OF PROPERTY, ALBANY CAMPUS HIT THE HARDEST

WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

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ate last year, Massey University sent out a proposal request for realty partners to assist in selling and leasing property from all three campuses.

The document showed Albany being hit hard with nine lecture halls and a recreation centre listed, leaving potentially very little of the campus behind.

The university is under financial pressure with a deficit of around $41 million for 2023, vicechancellor Jan Thomas predicted to RNZ. Nine properties were listed for Manawatū, including two student villages and farmland.

Massey expects to sell and lease "surplus" space later this year.

Photo / Richard Robinson Concept design made in 2020 for the library. Photo / Massey University

Wellington had four properties listed including two on Tasman Street.

The document said spaces listed were “surplus”, such as areas not being used for educational purposes.

RNZ reported a university insider believed recent redundancies that removed subjects from the Albany campus were part of a wider plan to largely exit the campus.

Turner said in addition to the divestment of properties, the university would make sure future actions contribute to a “vibrant campus”.

However, Shelley Turner, deputy vice-chancellor university services told Massive, “We remain committed to retaining our three unique campuses”.

Turner said the university expected to sell and lease property late this year.

Several properties were not valued, but those that were had a combined book value of $151,213,000 (not including land value).

The proposal request closed on the 15th of February and a preferred agency will be appointed before the end of March.

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Join your students’ association, Te Tira Ahu Pae, for our amazing range of Orientation events! Scan the A 8 QR code or visit tetiraahupae.ac.nz/events for the MASSIVE full schedule of events!

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Fantastic Freshers

& Where to Find Them WORDS BY JESSIE DAVIDSON A SHE/HER

A

s the sun rises over Massey University’s vibrant (and occasionally damp) ecosystem, assorted species of students gather on campus. With the new year comes new breeds of Freshers, all proudly sporting their Massey lanyards.

In O-Week, they come together as one. But during times of play and feasting, they congregate into their own unique packs. Let’s take a closer look at Massey’s variety of Freshers, their charming qualities, and what an experienced RA has to say about it all.

01. FRESH-START FRESHERS

In the expansive terrain of Massey University, Fresh-StartFreshers emerge, liberated from the lingering shadows of high school. Embarking on a journey of reinvention (however superficial), they’re driven by the innate desire to shed their high school image.

Personas differ between each subspecies of Fresh-StartFreshers, with the most common archetype thriving in Massey’s rustic student cafés. Here, adorned with slicked back buns and brandnew MacBooks, these fascinating creatures require daily iced oat lattes for their basic survival.

Yet, beneath lies a vulnerability born from the haunting echoes of high school. Weekly therapy sessions serve as a crucial lifeline, as they navigate their newfound freedom alongside a lingering past.

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ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

01.

02. CHADS

The dancefloors of nightclubs and O-Week venues are home to a swarm of Chads. Identified by pubestaches, a Lynx deodorant aura, and primal grunts, these beings spend their days burrowed incaves, venturing on Tinder explorations.

Nights unfold with lukewarm, beer-fuelled attempts at mating.

Chads, when faced with female rejection, resort to displays of alpha male bravado to protect their fragile egos, often insulting the female rejector. For example: “I was just kidding… I can’t believe you thought I’d actually ask you out.”

Last year’s Whanake Hall RA, Peyton Morete, explained that when Chads aren’t “doing stupid and dangerous shit” they’re great conversationalists.

Morete recounted their peculiar nocturnal rituals�sprinting through halls and banging on walls in euphoric, post-town revelry at 3 a.m.

Despite their quirks, this species adds a unique dynamic to Massey’s nocturnal tapestry, blending bravado with vulnerability in the pursuit of connection.

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03. RTD ROOKIES

Behold the RTD Rookies, a diverse species within Massey’s habitat.

Their behaviours differ based upon their chosen RTD, each subgroup exhibiting distinctive traits.

Witness the diminutive Nitro enthusiasts, effortlessly wielding 2-Litre Nitro bottles. They traverse party-scenes with the nonchalant grace of seasoned night adventurers.

RA Morete recounted a moment of unity as Chads and RTD Rookies collaborated to build Whanake Hall’s longest drinking wizard staff. Yet, health and safety concerns thwarted their venture. Despite this, Morete appreciated “the amount of effort already put into it”.

Known for their affinity for Love Island watch parties, these RTD devotees craft a peculiar, yet vibrant, environment. Fuelled by their chosen RTD, the group forge bonds with one another amidst a sea of carbonated dreams and televised romance.

05. HOMESICK HOMIES

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In the emotional landscape of university life, we will find the Homesick Homies. A peculiar species grappling with homesickness caused by the overwhelming hangxiety of O-Week festivities.

During the initial month of university, these delicate beings are found seeking refuge under duvets, in toilet stalls, amidst the pouring rain 06. (listening to boygenius), or secluded in the darkest corners of lecture theatres.

04. THE CRAZED CREATIVES

Declaring their impending departure to those who listen, they navigate a fragile dance between distress and determination. Morete explained the species often attend parties “as a way to battle the homesickness". Yet, this coping mechanism only prolongs their hangxiety.

Venturing into Massey’s artistic realm of academia, we encounter the captivating Creative Freshers. Easily identified by their unique fashion choices�often vintage, secondhand, or self-made attire. They carry their creative endeavours with grace and distinction.

As the month unfolds and the hangxiety dissipates, the species remarkably adapts to their new surroundings. They develop a newfound affection for university life. This showcases the resilient spirit found within the Homesick Homies.

06. RORY GILMORE WANNABES

As a former Creative Fresher, this species stood out most to Morete. “There were a lot of these residents in the halls because most went to Massey COCA,” she said.

These individuals proudly proclaim their allegiance to the realms of art, design, music, theatre, and fashion. Yet, within their artistic souls lives a tumultuous love affair with their craft, marked by moments of doubt and introspection.

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Amidst the sanctuary of studio spaces and feedback circles and snapping (quirky clapping), they navigate the intricate dance between inspiration and despair. They craft their spectrum of emotions into the masterpiece of their dreams.

Venturing into the sanctum of knowledge at Massey University, we encounter the enigmatic Rory Gilmore Wannabes. Dressed in attire reminiscent of your high school English teacher, these punctual pilgrims seek solace within the library’s halls.

Much like the fictional Rory Gilmore, these studious Freshers dream of postuniversity grandeur. These people-pleasers walk with an illusion of self-assurance.

However, their inability to handle criticism unveils a fascinating trait�a susceptibility that, when triggered, can plunge them into an existential crisis.

Behold as they embark on a fleeting departure from academia, only to return a week later fuelled by a drive to be the top of their class.

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DON'T LET THE GET YOU Y

ou’re back from toga. You just spent the night bumpin’ and grindin’ with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever met. You got their number, shared a few drinks, even let them drink from your cup. You’re on cloud nine.

But you don’t realise that the clock is already ticking. Your immune system was already weak from the exhausting move and adjustment period.

You haven’t slept a full night since February 4th.

You’ve been on the rark so often that your blood alcohol level is reading 100%.

A few days pass, and that fine grinder you met has just hit you up. You walk to their dorm. They open the door with a skanky shirt on and piles of tissues on their bed.

ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

Uh oh.

Is this the dreaded ‘Fresher Flu’ you’ve heard so much about?

It’s a myth though, right? Surely you won’t get sick.

You have a Berocca every couple days! Half an hour and some incredibly stuffy-nosed making out later, you return to your room and collapse, a sneeze leaving your nose as you do.

But you’re not sick.

Your throat’s just sore from the joint.

The joint you shared with 15 other freshers...

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DON'T LET THE FRESHER FLU GET YOU

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I’M JUST BUILT DIFFERENT. What I did get, however, was a vivid picture of the aftermath. All social media posts and second-hand accounts made it clear: the combination of excessive drinking, homesickness, and lack of sleep did its number on the lot of them. In my scientific opinion, it only takes one bugger coughing in your vicinity for the fresher flu to get its claws in you and everyone you love.

HOW I SURVIVED It wasn’t easy, it was damn near the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it, and it worked.

My name is Aiden Wilson, and I managed to avoid the fresher flu. This is my story...

Wasn’t there.

Literally, that’s it. I was not around for it. While everyone else was coughing and spluttering after an intense week of drinking, toga, and macking each other’s faces off, I was avoiding the fresher flu in the best way possible.

I was off my face on morphine, playing BioShock, and watching the Diary of a Wimpy Kid trilogy… from the comfort and safety of a hospital bed.

Ya boy had been on a hike with some fellow Freshers and decided to send it down a hill.

Well, more like a cliff. I fell, managed to land but couldn't stop running and was stopped by a tree branch that had grown over the path I found myself careening down. Four weeks, one pancreas split into two, a shit-tonne of depression money spent, and a whole ass two hours of keyhole surgery later, here I am.

But I didn’t get the fresher flu.

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A SONG OF SNOT AND PHLEGM: A BRIEF HISTORY

Historians believe the fresher flu began in 1890, when a Business major named Henry Tiberius MacTavish drank mead from the cup of a nobleman. The next day he was the sickest he had ever been, exclaiming, “this is the FRESHEST flu I have EVER had!”

Henry Tiberius MacTavish was pronounced dead three days later. Not due to the flu. He was shot after having an affair with a local tavern keep and getting caught by her husband.

I swear I’m not making this up.

According to Seth Rankin, founder of the London Doctor’s Clinic, “The exposure to germs and viruses at university, combined with a terrible hangover from that 90s foam party, will push your immune system to its limit.”

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Activity one: Study.

I will not spend this year’s run of Massive reminiscing over the pandemic. I will not spend this year’s run of Massive reminiscing over the pandemic. I will not spend this year's run of Mass�oh, hi! You caught me NOT reminiscing over the pandemic. While we’re on the subject though, I think it’s fair to say this was the fresher flu to end all flus. Those of you who were stuck in the halls during this time (shout out to Kāinga Rua and Rotary Courts, y'all did beautifully) had it hard.

For the ones who got sent home as soon as the first day of the rest of their lives was over, it was rough.

Missing out on all the new stuff due to illness sucks. It sucks big time. Here, I’ve planned some helpful O-Week activities should you find yourself sick... Or just sick of people.

Activity two: I’m kidding.

Watch Netflix, play video-games, and order Uber Eats. Your mates will thank you later.

Consider this all a cautionary tale. A bit of advice on how to start your year off the right way. Because, trust me, Sarah from The Cube isn’t going to call you back when she's coughing up a lung after a night of (let’s be honest) fairly mediocre intercourse.

My genuine advice: If you start feeling sick, stay the fuck home. Don’t be a hero by trying to attend events when you’re not feeling up to it, and don’t be a dick by getting everyone else around you sick when you know full well you’re not doing too hot yourself.

With that outta the way�enjoy the parties, booze, and obnoxiously loud EDM. And... don’t let the fresher flu get you.

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PHOTOS BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

03 A FEATURES A AHUATANGA

HOW MY MĀORITANGA GAVE ME (SLIGHTLY FORCED) OPPORTUNITIES AT UNIVERSITY. WORDS BY TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA A HE/HIM

“Far out bro, do you ever take a break?”, a text said from a new Māori uni mate.

Shit, as a Māori, the lack of face-to-face interaction, or kanohi ki te kanohi, goes against

“You need a pair of wings,” DM’d another.

the grain. Two weeks into my first ever university experience, I met my fate.

“Don’t bloody overdo it this year with all these damn jobs of yours,” a cousin scolded.

H

ow I’ve become a student representative, radio presenter, Te Ao Māori editor, and kapa haka tutor at Massey University in half a year derives from my following account.

I received a few messages of awhi and welcome from former Kaiwhakahaere O Pāmamao (Māori distance student representative) and Te Ao Māori editor, Cameron McCausland-Taylor.

Stop reading here and laugh a bit at me because I’ve inherited both those roles from her today.

I can humbly say not many Māori my age have walked in my shoes. I’m 23, booked, and busy.

Prior to starting a Bachelor of Communications, I was a full-time multimedia journalist, one who has worked for the likes of Newshub, Whakaata Māori, NZHerald and Stuff, specialising in Māori affairs. A double rarity for my age and demographic, who couldn’t give a ‘Stuff’ about becoming a journalist and telling stories of our people, us Māori!

Initially, I wanted to enrol with ‘no strings attached.’ As a distance student, this means studying extramurally with no interaction with peers at a campus, but all online, where every other distance student had the same whakaaro.

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I ignored the initial messages (soz Cam) because I was so set on just getting my degree and leaving with no footprint.

Now, if you know us Māori, we like to (without your consent) pass your name on to the next Māori. And the next.

I am Te Kakenga, known as TK or Kakes. Now a second-year Communications student, the Kaiwhakahaere O Pāmamao, the Te Ao Māori editor for this magazine, a Te Tira Ahu Pae Kapa Haka tutor, and a familar Māori face at every campus.

I now appreciate all of the above and move to offer this sage advice:

By week 2 thanks to the pass the parcel of my name�I’m swinging poi, yelling at the newly formed Te Tira Ahu Pae kapa haka group and strumming away on a bloody guitar (typical Māori, aye). As a Māori, that’s not everyone’s typical life experience.

But if you know, you know.

If someone offers you opportunities like the ones I’ve succumbed to� take them graciously.

Yeah, stick your nose up at them later, by all means.

But take them. Your future will be brighter for it.

RUIA TAITEA, R U I A TAITEA! KA TU, KO TAIKAKA KO KOE ANAKE! SHAKE THE WEAK SAPWOOD OFF THE TREE TO REVEAL ITS TRUE HEART! A 20

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A 2024 BINGO

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24 Predictions for 2024 ANDREW TATE GOES BACK TO JAIL (PLEASE)

DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T GO TO JAIL (SAD)

VICE CHANCELLOR JAN THOMAS FINALLY FRONTS UP TO STUDENTS

MANAWATŪ CAMPUS LIBRARY GETS BACK TO RENOVATING

‘SPIDER-MAN: BEYOND THE SPIDER-VERSE' IS THE BIGGEST MOVIE OF YEAR

RIHANNA DROPS AN ALBUM

ALBANY CAMPUS’ CHICKEN WING STATUE CRACKS

TAYLOR SWIFT DROPS ‘REPUTATION’ (TV)

CUTS TO MASSEY COURSES AND STAFF CONTINUE

COLDPLAY CONCERT IS AMAZING

WINTER IS WARMER THAN USUAL

MAJOR WARDROBE MALFUNCTION AT THE MET GALA

FREE

MASSIVE DROPS THEIR FIRST FARMING ISSUE

WELLINGTON STUDENTS GET BLOWN OVER

BY THE WIND AT LEAST ONCE

LIVE ACTION ‘PRINCESS AND THE FROG’ ANNOUNCED

CHLÖE SWARBRICK BECOMES COLEADER OF THE GREEN PARTY

THE NEW IPHONE IS THE OLD IPHONE WITH A LONGER BATTERY LIFE

THIS YEAR'S OLYMPICS TEAM HAS THE MOST MEDAL WINS IN NZ'S HISTORY

MASSEY CLUBS AND STUDENT ENGAGEMENT HAVE A MAJOR COMEBACK

AI FINDS ITS WAY INTO ALMOST EVERY FACET OF OUR EXISTENCE (FOR BETTER OR WORSE)

X (THAT’S TWITTER’S GLOW DOWN) GOES BANKRUPT

‘GTA 6’ GETS DELAYED

‘SQUID GAME’ S2 FLOPS

MASSEY GETS NEW VENDING MACHINES (PLEASE)

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ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

Q. HEY FERGUS, MY BOYFRIEND SUCKS AT GOING DOWN ON ME. WHAT SHOULD I DO? A.

I’ve never had this feedback on my own work, but I’ll help you out.

As a beloved mascot and certified sex god, trust me when I say that tackling this problem can be as sexy as you make it.

Sit him down and tell him everything he is doing horribly wrong�but do it with your tits out and he won’t get offended.

Don’t underestimate the power of your insults.

Or go with the positive reinforcement tactic. Give him a snack every time he licks it right. And if he does it wrong, spray him with a plant mister. Like he’s a cat who keeps trying to knock cups off the kitchen bench.

If you’re sick of him practicing on you, tell him to find a fencepost�that's how I learnt. It will really toughen up his tongue and jaw so he’s ready to eat you out cross-country style.

Worst case, there are some real good sex toys out there. Not that I’ve ever had to use them. Whether you want to use them yourself or maybe throw one into the mix with your boyfriend, it could be worth a shot. Have fun with it, go buck-wild (or go ram). But talk to him about it first. I wouldn’t be opposed to someone just straight-up throwing a sex toy at me in the thick of it, but not everyone can be like me. Devastating, I know, but there’s only one Fergus.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY. GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGA ZINE.ORG.NZ A 22

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04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

DAVID SEYMOUR DAIQUIRI

David Seymour is a New Zealand politician, leading the ACT party. He is known for many meme-worthy moments. ACT has formed a coalition government with the National and NZ First parties.

Seymour will become the deputy prime minister in 2025, taking over from Winston Peters.

A SHOT OF 'DANCING WITH THE STARS’ TWERKING

A TABLESPOON OF FANTASISING ABOUT GUY FAWKES

A BUCKET OF KATE SHEPHARD VOTING FOR ACT DELUSION

A PINCH OF AUCKLAND GRAMMAR SCHOOL

A HOT MIC DROP OF JACINDA ARDERN WHISPERING “ARROGANT PRICK” ¾ CUPS OF STRIPED TIES

A SPLASH OF CLIMATE CHANGE ACTIVISTS INTERRUPTING HIS INTERVIEWS ½ A CUP OF BICKERING WITH WINSTON PETERS LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE

TIP OUT TE TIRITI O WAITANGI AND ADD IN THE TREATY PRINCIPLES ACT MASSIVE

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SEXCAPADES ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE

GOT A CONFESS IO A NAUGH N, TY TAKE, OR SEXY STO A RY?

THE BULLSEYE BANDIT I was in my first year of uni in Palmy and living in the halls, and I had a massive crush on my neighbour. I would see her in the elevator on the way to 9 a.m. lectures a couple times a week and I always got so nervous to talk to her. I was a serious virgin. One weekend, her flat hosted a party and everyone on our floor was invited. My flatmates and I drank a couple apple Long Whites and they hyped me up before we went to her party.

Her flat was so full but I could see her across the room. I was just tipsy enough to talk to her.

The night goes on, we go out, and eventually I scored. We go back to my flat and start having sex. I’m nervous but using what I’ve learnt in porn to my advantage. She was super into it, whispering to me, biting my ear. I loved it. She told me to pull out when I felt like I was going to cum.

We were in missionary position�I told you I was a serious virgin. I pulled out just in time, but I didn’t think far enough to what to do with the cum shooting out of me. It shot hard straight into her face. Her hand flew to her eye. The only thing in reach was my dirty boxers so I grabbed them and tried to blot her face. She was blinking hard, but her eye was all red and watering. She didn’t stay the rest of the night and went back to her flat with her undies wrapped on her head like an eyepatch.

On Monday, I encountered her in the elevator on her way to class. She walked in looking very unhappy to see me with a big stye on her eye. I had no idea what to say so I blurted out the first thing�and the absolute worst thing �that came to mind: “Good party."

And unfortunately, that didn’t take me long.

MASSIVE

25 A

FRESH

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

Please don’t go and get another tattoo.

Uni is starting up again, and student debt means you’re going to need any spare coins you can get.

Don't snooze your alarm.

It's not a good look to be late to your first lectures.

Go buy yourself a cute diary, as a little treat. Trust me, you’re going to need it.

Your bank account is looking sad this week.

Keep an eye out for free food during O-Week! Groceries are expensive so take advantage while you can.

LIBRA Your sleep is going to take a nosedive now that the semester has started. Take advantage of that hour long break between classes and have a nap.

A 26

SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS You’re overwhelmed and scared you won’t make friends at uni.

Stop wearing your headphones around campus and you’ll meet people.

MASSIVE

I know it’s tempting to join every club you find, but don’t bite off more than you can chew!

Clubs are fun, burnout is not.

05 A HOROSCOPES A

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

Don’t stress out too much during O-Week.

There’s a lot going on and you physically can’t make it to every event, so don’t try to push yourself to do everything!

You’ve forgotten to message someone back.

O-Week is full of chaos, so I totally understand if it slipped your mind! But don’t leave it any longer or you might lose a friend.

Watch out for fresher flu. One moment you’re enjoying the toga party, and the next you and your friends are all stuck in your rooms eating soup and going through tissue boxes.

So, take your vitamins.

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Check out a opshop or two this week!

You never know what gems you’ll find.

Keep an eye out for anything red.

Go to a café and order a drink you haven’t tried before. A new lover might just bump into you while you’re getting your caffeine fix.

Homesickness will hit you hard this week.

You’re missing your comfort animal back home. But remember there's this thing called Facetime.

MASSIVE

27 A

DITCH FRESH

RIDDLE.

SUDOKU.

POOR UNI STUDENTS HAVE IT. RICH PEOPLE NEED IT. IF YOU EAT IT YOU DIE. WHAT IS IT?

WORD OF THE WEEK.

HAURANGI DRUNK/PISSED

Y I J C U Y C B P G C G A V V N I V N G V MD O K Z V MG G L R H O R D Z G Z T R C X E MC Z Q G P F U O K E R P L H L Y B F R E S H E R S A X F Y MO D X Y B O U P P A MO J N E N H G H J I S B D K O U A Q Q N A S R R MV I O K V E G D C R L MG ML E O U U O G R G T WX MC I MT B MQ T N A V T V X A E H L O V Y S U O I MO P F A B C I I MJ V L B WB E T G O V I T R N E E N L E G Y E I P X M E N F R Z F P V X L G WN E A R WG L O E I C K F U Z H E I G E S Y A G I C H H G T N T H U MJ O G WU L E K G V U V T A A A T A R T J F C I N E L O G V T O Q S E P H U I T L L R O V Q N O R H Y N N U WJ I Q O WE E K E P S P B P C T D L A S Z E U L S R U MQ E MN T F MO J R S B R K I Y L P T H A E F V X F WZ B Z C S T Y Q N N MMD F R R Y E S WV G F MB H A H D B G O I Z Q Z T T C Y C L U

A 28

WORDFIND.

FREE FRESHER HIGHLIGHT HOMESICK MOVING OWEEK RAMEN

MASSIVE

SAUSAGE SWEATING TEXTBOOK LECTURES NAP BOXES

H IT!

06 A PUZZLES A PANGA

1 2

4

5

8

3

6

9

10

7

11

12

13

14

16

15

17 18

19

20 21

22 23 24 25

26 27 28

CROSSWORD.

ACROSS

2. Frozen Water (3) 18. Laundry detergent brand 4. Green gemstone (7) named after a sport (4) 7. Yellow fruit (5) 20. Fresher event where 8. Current season (6) you dress in white sheets (4,5) 11. Best New Artist at 22. Service that provides the 2024 Grammys (8,5) student loans (9) 12. Number of universities 24. Hip hop duo that sang in New Zealand (5) ‘So Fresh, So Clean’ (7) 13. Small Haircut (4) 25. Synonym for massive (5) 15. Top of outer ear piercing (5) 27. New Zealand shampoo 16. Massey Wellington bar brand (7) campus cat (6) 28. Car air freshener (6)

DOWN

1. Director of 2022 horror film ‘Fresh’ (4,4) 3. Massey University’s student association (2,4,3,3) 5. Male sheep (3) 6. Lewis Hamilton’s new team (7) 9. Mechanical device to raise and lower people (8) 10. A job you can only study for at Massey University (3) 13. Synonym for boobs (4)

14. Track 13 on Taylor Swift’s 1989 album (5) 17. Popular romantasy book featuring dragons (6,4) 19. Energy drink that gives you wings (7) 21. Meal starter size (6) 23. Franchise with the slogan ‘Eat Fresh’ (6) 26. Type of table (4)

FIND ALL PUZZLE ANSWERS ON MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ MASSIVE

29 A

FRESH

A 30

A COLOURING PAGEMASSIVE TO KEEP YOU BUSY WHEN THE FRESHER FLU GETS YOU

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA

SHE/HER

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR TE KAKENGA KAWITI-BISHARA

SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL

SHE/THEY

NGĀTI TŪWHARETOA HE/HIM

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON

THEY/THEM

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI HE/HIM

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER

SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON SHE/HER

SHE/HER

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET

POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE HER PURRRNOUNS

CENTREFOLD ART BY KEELIN BELL RAMMING WITH FERGUS AND HOROSCOPES BY NATALYA NEWMAN 24 PREDICTIONS BINGO FOR 2024 BY KIRA CARRINGTON MASSIVE

31 A

FRESH

s ' r e h s e r F BUCKET LIST

SLEEP WITHOUT A TOP SHEET

MATE OVER HAVE A STANDOFF WITH YOUR FLAT WHO WILL TAKE THE RUBBISH OUT E BAG

DEVELOP SCOLIOSIS FROM YOUR TOT GET A SURPRISING A+

S’ SLOWLY GIVE IN TO ‘CS GET DEGREE BUY BLUE LIGHT GLASSES DENT YOUR DRINK BOTTLE

HAVE A VENDING MACHINE DINNER

DRINK TOO MUCH AND GET HANGXIE

TY

FANTASISE ABOUT YOUR CAMPUS CRU

SH

-TACK

RIP PAINT OFF YOUR WALLS WITH BLU HAND IN AN ASSIGNMENT WITHOUT KARAOKE TO 'FERGALICIOUS'

PROOFREADING

EAT TWO-MINUTE NOODLES THREE

NIGHTS IN A ROW

FILL UP YOUR CLOTHES RACK SO IT

SAGS IN THE MIDDLE

K PICK UP MASSIVE MAGAZINE AND FLIC ADE CAP SEX THE STRAIGHT TO

ORATE YOUR ROOM

USE THE MASSEY PRINTERS TO DEC ABUSE ENERGY DRINKS

H

GET BED BUGS OR SCABIES… OR BOT

A 32

MASSIVE