MASSIVE Issue 5 2023: The Flatting Issue

MASSIVE The Flatting Issue

MAR 27/2023 Cover by Eden Laing

ISSUE 05

Editor’s letter Kia ora, Wherever you are reading this from, this week we take a look at student digs: the good, the bad and the ugly. Our news team interrogate the cost-of-living crisis and look at inequality with their usual critical eye and great fact-checking. Some of the stories are sad, some hopeful and all of them will hopefully, in some way, reveal a little more of the reality of being a student or working in casual labour in this increasingly expensive world. We’re deeply examining these issues because quality of life and cost of living are two things that should be high priority as we come towards national elections- more equitable solutions for all are needed. We also hope you enjoy the funny flat tales, complete with manky fridge discoveries and doll collections. Welcome to our humble abodes. If you’re reading this from your house, we hope you’re warm and toasty, and remember, if you’re not, there is help out there at your student association.

What to look forward to News

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Features Distance Studying

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The Great Flat Fridge Fight

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Māori and Pasifika movie night

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On the Doll

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Ramsey’s Flatting Nightmares

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Flatting with Friends? Don’t

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Columns

Sexcapades

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Solicited Advice

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Horoscopes

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Basic Witch

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Crossword

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Editor Leila Lois Designer Emily Wilson News Editor Sammy Carter Sub Editor Tui Lou Christie Staff Writer Aiden Charles Staff Writer Elizabeth Chan News Reporter Tegan Jaggard Feature Editor Molly Richards Illustrator Annick Harvey Illustrator Eden Laing Te Ao Māori Editor Cameron McCausland-Taylor

MASSIVE NEWS

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WEEKLY NEWS Sneaking into Homegrown is “piss easy”, says student Brett Kerr-Laurie (he/him)

With just $7, confidence, and a “slay outfit”, one student snuck into Wellington’s Homegrown festival last weekend and is planning to do it again.

19-year-old student, Grace* heard of others who had snuck into Homegrown in the past by forging fake wristbands.

This year, Grace didn’t have a $170 ticket and was “keen for the challenge” of sneaking in.

“I had a couple friends who bought tickets so they told me they would go in first and send me photos of their wristbands. My gameplan was to 100% replicate the wristbands and fire on through.”

wristbands” who had the same idea.

One person she met had picked up a broken fake band off the ground and stuck it together with chewing gum.

Grace said she enjoyed her experience, but only because she didn’t pay $170 for a ticket.

She advised others to “sneak in or don’t go at all” and plans to do the same thing next year.

Homegrown justifies their high price by supplying five different genrebased stages and an abundance of New Zealand artists across Wellington’s waterfront.

The 2023 line up featured sir Dave Dobbyn, Katchafire, SACHI, Lee Mvthews, and Flowidus, among 40 others.

Third year Massey Design students Ruby Noton, Sophie Dyball and Abby Fox all purchased tickets.

Noton felt “ripped off” when she saw how many people had snuck in.

“It sucks to see people get in for free when we pay for tickets”, she said.

Dyball said, “It makes me not want to buy a homegrown ticket again for next year since it’s so easy to get in without one.”

Fox said the festival “should just be a free event since half the people don’t pay.”

Homegrown states on their website: “If you are found with a fake or copied wristband [you] will be handed over to the police. Homegrown will treat all offenses like fraud and will prosecute accordingly.”

However, it appears this warning is the only thing they rely on to stop such fraud.

*Names have been changed for anonymity

Spending only $7 at Look Sharp, she got a pink ribbon, purple highlighter, and black sharpie.

She said the finished product “looked insane”.

After predrinking at her flat, she simply walked into the festival.

“[A security guard] asked for my wristband, I waved it to her, she told me I had a slay outfit on and I walked on through.”

Grace said there was lots of security at the festival, but “fake wristbands was probably the least of their worries”.

At the electronic stage, she saw other non-ticket holders with “shittier 4

Homemade wristbands used to enter Homegrown festival. Photos / Supplied

MASSIVE NEWS

Cleaner of over 20 years left underpaid

by University Sammy Carter (she/her)

A cleaner at Massey for 20 years and living in a household of 10, Sina Vaeau says,

“I’d be happy if I get more money so I can buy something for myself.”

Massey University has contracted OCS Group for over a decade, but is yet to pay cleaners a living wage.

Vaeau has to budget tightly, renting a house with her family and splitting the cost of rent and bills.

On a wage just above the minimum at $21.50 per hour, she had enough for $100 worth of food each week, which only lasted two days in such a large household.

“I never spent anything for myself, but I really want my kids not to be hungry.

“I’m always helping them, if they need any money.”

With her grandkids, kids and partners living in the house, the electricity bill could get up to $400.

Originally from Samoa, Vaeau hasn’t been back since 1969. “I’m glad if I get more money so I can buy the house, take my kids to Samoa and we have a nice holiday.”

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years old to make money to send back to her Mum and Dad in Samoa. She got a job at the Wellington wharf as a tea lady.

Despite the pay, Vaeau loves to work, “I really want to stay here, I don’t want to go anywhere else.” Vaeau is the longest running cleaner working at Massey Wellington, working there for eight years before OCS took over.

Shane Pasene from E tū represents underpaid workers like Vaeau. He sat with her while she shared her story, saying both Massey and OCS were at fault.

“They (OCS) won’t pay the living wage until the client, which is Massey, will pay them.

They’re not gonna reach into their pockets and pay the living wage.”

Shane said when choosing a cleaning company, “they’ll go for the cheapest one because it’s financially better for Massey.”

He said when tendering for contracts, commercial cleaning companies generally undercut each other – what he called “the race to the bottom”.

OCS’ international turnover in 2021 was more than 1.7 billion nzd, however, Shane said many companies “plead poverty” when bargaining for pay rises.

“There’s no money to go back to Samoa or to buy that house, but with the living

wage it makes it a little bit easier to survive.

There’s always gonna be a struggle.”

A Massey University spokesperson said, “The university does not set the pay rates.”

They said primary cleaners are employed through a national contract with commercial cleaning company OCS.

“We value and respect all of our contractors and they are treated as part of the wider Massey team.”

On the 15th of March, Living Wage NZ held an event at Victoria University with the goal of making it the first living wage university.

Speakers from the living wage movement shared stories about cleaners like Vaeau, many not visiting their home countries in years.

Rebecca Matthews, Wellington councillor described pay under living wage as “poverty wages”.

She said, “They have no excuse … They should be ashamed.”

She was disgusted and appalled that large establishments would pay workers below living wage.

“All of our universities in Aotearoa continue to get away with it.”

OCS group was asked for comment but could not provide a response.

Her sisters and their kids still live in Samoa, “We keep sending money to them to help.

I always help them.” After having a heart attack two years ago, Vaeau had to leave her second job.

She got a job as a cleaner 20 years ago so she could work at night and look after her kids during the day.

When she first started, she said her pay was $9 an hour, “When we were on $9 can’t get anything, because it’s low pay.”

She said if she were on living wage she could save up and buy the house she had rented for two years.

The Living wage of $23.65 per hour is calculated to provide workers and their families with basic necessities and to live with dignity, participating in society.

Sina Vaeau is Massey Wellington’s longest running cleaner. Photo / Sammy Carter

Vaeau came to New Zealand alone at 17

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MASSIVE NEWS

Mouldy lino at back door entrance /supplied

“You have a girlfriend right? Why doesn’t she teach you how to clean?”: A Wellington flat’s battle with landlord Tegan Jaggard (she/her)

“Okay, this is a shithole,” Isaac Coneybeer describes his thoughts from when he moved into the Wellington flat a year ago.

The landlord came for an inspection only two days after Coneybeer had moved in.

Coneybeer said, “He went on to complain about the state of my room and how he hadn’t checked it before I moved in, despite that being his responsibility not ours.”

“He tried to blame me for the damage on the walls which not only predates me but predates any tenants in this flat.”

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Mouldy window in the toilet. Photo / Supplied

By the time the next inspection came around in January of this year, Coneybeer was the only tenant home.

Despite all the tenants having cleaned all week, the landlord found it appropriate to ask Isaac, “You have a girlfriend right? Why doesn’t she teach you how to clean?”

“He found it so funny that he had to repeat it to my flatmates when they got home and acted like I wasn’t still there.”

After the inspection they received an email saying that they were paying under the median rent for the area and that he wanted to raise the price but wouldn’t if they painted the house.

“We’re actually paying over the median rent for our suburb, he was pricing us for the neighbouring one,” Coneybeer said.

“One of my flatmate’s dads used to be a property manager so we knew what he was asking wasn’t legal. Not only is

it illegal but it’s really rude.”

Another flatmate, Stu, and his dad sat down all night and wrote an email combatting the increase in rent and painting the house for free.

After the landlord realised his tenants knew their rights, he backed down and then offered to pay them to paint the house, but it’s not the happiest of endings.

“I know a lot of people that had their landlords paint the house and they didn’t have to pay rent while it happened, not only are we paying rent but we’re painting the house for way below what we deserve to be paid.”

MASSIVE NEWS

Students scramble for DJ Hedex’s first Wellington gig Brett Kerr-Laurie (he/him)

Students refreshed their phones over and over hoping to get tickets for drum and bass DJ Hedex’s show in Wellington, a performance Coastal Promotions called their “biggest club show of the year”.

DJing at Meow on the 30th of March, Hedex sold all early bird, first, second and final release tickets in 60 seconds, prompting the promoters to add “additional release” tickets.

Hedex has topped drum and bass charts with his 2022 remixes of ‘Spinning Method’ and ‘Move Your

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Body’, and dominates social media with clips of unreleased tracks.

Third year communications major Karis Musson was refreshing the Ticket Fairy website with her three flatmates minutes before the sale started.

Musson said, “I put four [early bird tickets] in my cart and filled out all of the details for the ticket holders, but when I got to payment it said they were sold out.”

She quickly repeated the process for the rest of the tickets but was told the same thing at each checkout.

Later seeing $55 additional release tickets, the flat decided they couldn’t justify it compared to the $15 early birds.

“We would’ve loved to go, and we do

love Hedex’s tracks - but we are broke uni students.”

Earlier this month, the 23-year-old DJ performed in Belgium at Rampage, the world’s biggest drum and bass festival.

Victoria University first year Marijn Lenoir and his six friends had a similar experience to Musson’s flat.

Lenoir said, “We had the ticket buyer open on our phones and were watching the countdown … as soon as it got to zero we all clicked on early bird, but none of us got it.”

“We tried first release, and it didn’t work for anyone, same with second. Finally, we were able to get final release.”

However, some people aren’t going due to the venue size.

Plumber and DJ enthusiast James Harvey was “pretty disappointed” and decided not to go when he heard Hedex was performing at Meow.

“It’s a small venue and he’s a big DJ,” Harvey said.

“If he was on a Saturday at Shed 6, I’d definitely be going, and I can say that for all 11 of us at my flat.”

Clay Drysdale, Victoria University third year, agrees with Harvey.

“He’s a big UK artist, he should be playing at Shed 6 or something …

Meow is ok, but for a guy like Hedex it’s not a go,” Drysdale said.

With less than 30 additional release tickets remaining, it’s bound to be a big night regardless of the small venue.

Caption: Hedex performing at Rampage Total Takeover 2023. Photo / Rampage Media

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Is Full-time Distance Study Really That Bad?

By Elizabeth Chan

Before I begin, I must first clarify that this is written from my perspective as a highly introverted yet homesick Communications student. So, for readers not aiming to attain a BC, their study experiences may vary across different degrees.

With that note out of the way, let’s get into the article.

This is the Life

I only got to go into full-time distance study this year and I’m livin’ the life. No need to rush to class. No need to swallow the bitter pang of guilt when the lecturer eyes you for being late, followed by the prolonged stare of tens of pairs of eyes as you make your way to your seat. No need to fumble with my anxiety fidget ring and sweat as I wait my turn to be picked out and introduce myself in front of a group of strangers, aka my ‘classmates’. No need to panic that I forgot my fidget ring because I was running late. All I have to do now is attend Zoom meetings in the comfort of my own home and sometimes, straight out of bed. Some courses don’t even need me to attend Zoom meetings because they only need me to participate in the online discussion forums. Not to mention, distance courses are much cheaper.

The whole reason why I’m wholly studying via distance right now is because I returned to my home country, Malaysia, to obtain an internship (that I’m still hoping I’ll get during July or October). You might think that I’ve really risked it all just to return home for an internship, but my programme was already done by distance half the time, so I figured, “why not,” let’s just do the whole thing by distance. Besides, I was feeling extremely homesick to the point of having sleepless nights when I was in Albany. So, even if I don’t get an internship (which I really hope won’t happen), I’m just happy to be home with my loved ones.

Even when I was studying internally on the Auckland campus, most of my lectures were online, with a handful of courses having on-campus workshops. This meant that on average, I only had to turn up on campus once a week.

Yes, you read that right, I only had to go to Massey once a

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Illustration by Eden Laing

week. Which, come to think of it, may be why I was always struggling to be on time for my classes... because I only had to turn up once a week.

Even though I got everything I wanted (not having to worry about being late to class or getting all riled up about public speaking), there was a gaping void of emptiness whenever I tuned in to Massey’s Instagram snaps of their campus life featuring students frolicking in the Student Plaza. It was then I began to think, “I could’ve been there.”

Not “in” the Moment

There’s always a flipside to everything. If I said there wasn’t, I would be lying and this would be just PR promoting distance study. Distance study comes with its own challenges, like the need to master time management.

Personally, I’ve gotten around time management because half of my programme was already conducted via distance.

I’ve also been home-schooled for most of my schooling years, so I’m used to not attending in-class teaching.

I did feel the push to manage my time better since I’m in a different environment now and because all of my courses are online. So, if you’re reading this as you stand at a crossroads choosing either to study via distance or internally, here’s a heads up. It’s also not all about the act of mastering time management that gets you through online studies, it’s the confidence about how you manage your time, which I’m still getting the hang of.

the library. Heck, my programme even prevented me from attending the major events of O-week because the time of my classes overlapped the time of the events.

So, was I really missing out on uni life?

You Do You

Is it better to study on-campus or go AWOL via distance?

It’s up to you to decide. I remember being at that same crossroads when I was in my second year when I was minoring in journalism. Until this day, I still ask myself whether I should’ve gone to Wellington to study internally.

But, at the end of the day, there’s honestly no one study option that’s “better” than another. It all depends on how you personally find your study options, as in which one feels like you can focus more on studying or which one fits into your budget. Basically, the better study option would be the one that suits you best.

All that matters is personal happiness, not being peer pressured into which study mode others prefer. Everyone has different circumstances and goals, if you never really looked forward to in-person classes or never had to show up on campus anyway then, what the Hell, just go distance.

Besides the study aspect, I miss my friends, even though it’s a small circle of friends. Although, we still keep in touch, which means a lot to me, and I am every bit grateful for that. But I still feel like I’m not being “there”, “in the moment” with other students when I’m not going to the campus. As if I’m not living the life as a ‘uni student’ as advertised in the media. Then again, I never got to do most of the stuff uni students do ever since my first year. You know, like hanging out with friends in the café, playing futsal in the student lounge or drinking coffee in the library. Because of the way my programme was structured, the closest I ever got to being the orthodox uni student was hanging out at

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A COLD WAR: THE GREAT FLAT FRIDGE FIGHT

By Molly Carter (she/her)

That almost holy blue light that washes the kitchen is ironic for a place so hellish. I am alluding to the titan that is the communal flat fridge. What a place to hang out, right? I’d say this is a universal struggle for many and for those less fortunate, it’s nothing short of a battle. I’d even go as far as to say an all-out war. A cold war? (Pun very much intended.) The fridge— and freezer included but often left out in the cold— is an ominous place. Sometimes peaceful, but often a war zone.

Flatting sure is an experience that isn’t without its ups and downs. Trials and tribulation. You’ll make some great memories and some not-so-good ones. That’s natural. What’s not natural is what’s going on in my fridge. Okay, a bit dramatic – I know it’s not that bad now, but it has been.

Why are there so many individual versions of the exact same thing? Tell me why we need three tomato sauces occupying prime shelf real-estate? I don’t have all the answers if I’m honest. I can only offer you some light entertainment and perhaps some motivation to clean that thing out. Just sort it okay, for your health and my sanity. Also, a side note to my flatmates if you’re reading; I love you, don’t worry, this isn’t about you . . . this time x.

Let’s dive in.

Duplicates. Often this is the first sign of trouble. How hard is it get one bottle of milk if more than one of you drink it? Very difficult indeed. How are you to anticipate the rate in which milk is used? That’s not even accounting for different types of milk. That’s why there are currently four bottles in the fridge door and honestly, I wonder how those hinges are holding up. I currently have Spiderman on mine, and I will not apologise for it. It needs to be sat upright, in prime view, just how it was intended.

You know what little game I find challenging? It’s the ‘use it to the very end but refuse to replace it’. I don’t know about you but if you have siblings, you might relate. Don’t leave a useless portion and put it back. Just finish it. How dare you tempt me with that measly thimble of juice, taunting with my hopes. Also on the topic, leftover thieves? I’m fortunate enough to have flatmates with boundaries because I’d hate to go full Joey Tribbiani, “Joey doesn’t share food.”

Space? Shelf space if we’re getting specific – well, there is none. Good luck getting those leftovers in, I salute you but I’m not sacrificing my tomatoes for your crusty pizza. It’s a battle, truly. I don’t know how many share your fridge but there’ll never be enough room. You need to accept that. I find myself asking, does this need to go in the fridge? If I don’t know, it’s going in.

Not a bad system, but it piles up. I suppose there are worse things to complain about. I know there are. Too much food in your fridge certainly isn’t something to complain about. But I’ve found that almost half the things in the fridge are useless alone. What are you going to make out of ketchup and Worcestershire Sauce? Honestly, I’m a little afraid to ask. When the fridge gets cleared out and you need to concoct a meal from those remnants of the weekly shop you really think about the choices that got you there.

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Illustration by Eden Laing

Still, I don’t know what your fridge looks like but WHY are there so many sauces? Does everyone have a shelf dedicated to dressings and condiments that rarely get used? And if they are cleared out, why do they return to the fridge like aliens to the mothership? It’s weird. It’s like they know something…

Check the back of your fridge. Just do it. The casualties also pile up. Those carrots you forgot about; they didn’t go anywhere but they’re not the same three weeks later. Throw them out.

You can’t make banana bread out of everything. When have you ever actually made banana bread? But that’s a story for the fruit bowl. Which has been aptly renamed the banana bowl in my house. It’s wild, or rather, it’s bananas (I will not apologies for the puns, you’re still reading so that’s on you).

So really, you must monitor what you are purchasing to avoid waste, but that’s surprisingly difficult when items get lost in the void of the fridge. Ironically, that ice box is a black hole backlit (in contradiction) by glaring blue light.

I think it’s a question of prioritising and organisation. If you share the fridge with others like me, you could divide shelves. Sure, that works in theory, but explain to me how I am supposed to fit my Tupperware on that weird half shelf thing? It’s not practical. I assume the shelf heights have their purposes but our flat is yet to crack that code. It’s okay if the door closes; what’s behind it can’t hurt you, right? Wrong. If you don’t arrange correctly, you better be prepared for those floodgates to open. If anything, it’s a good test of reflexes. I don’t have Spiderman on my milk for nothing, my ability to catch falling jars and various produce is a testament to my honed Spidey-senses.

All I can say is try to have some sort of a system. I know it’s a struggle, but it might help.

Produce on the bottom shelves/drawers, sauces checked in their little corner, and dairy in another. Or find yourself a friend with a knack for Jenga and enlist them into helping. Offer them food in compensation. Good luck.

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Cut along the dotted lines to create own Te Reo Māori labels

14 Illustration by Annick Harvey

Your Māori & Pasifika guide to flattie movie night Who doesn’t love a classic movie night with the flatties?

Cuddled up on the couch, snacks galore, maybe a couple bevvies (or bongs if that’s more your vibe). However, if you’re anything like me, picking what to watch is a mission and a half. Lucky for you, I’ve devised an exquisite, delicious list of Māori and Pasifika movies and shows, because our people are SO fucking talented and SO underrated. This is your sign to get the haumis together for a night of Māori/ Pasifika excellence on screen.

Rūrangi Directed by Max Currie and written by Cole Meyers, Rūrangi tells the story of transgender activist Caz Davis in his return home to his conservative rural community of Rūrangi, having to face differing levels of mae irawhiti after a decade in the city. A project of aroha created by Aotearoa’s genderdiverse community, Rūrangi does trans representation right by having trans actors playing the trans characters, as well as featuring queer representation in its directors and writers. A standout character and sub-plot within the film is also Caz’s best friend Anahera, trying to embrace and come into her own identity as a Māori wahine, a journey many of us struggle with. And best of all - it is now a series. So much representation to celebrate within this piece of toi! The film and series can both be found on Neon.

We Are Still Here We Are Still Here is an anthology movie, combining eight powerful tales from a range of indigenous directors. This movie shows the strength of the indigenous people of Aotearoa, Australia and the South Pacific in overcoming extreme trauma and pain, a strong insight into the similarities and differences in how these cultures have responded to colonisation. Spanning over 1000 years of past, present, and future, we are taken on a journey to multiple places such as the 2021 Invasion Day graffiti artist protest in Naarm/Melbourne or a post-apocalyptic Tāmaki Makaurau in 2274. We Are Still Here plays with multiple viewpoints and timelines and weaves them together beautifully. It can be found in select theatres and also on Neon for rent.

Mataku An oldie but a goodie, Mataku is a bilingual supernatural series that was released in the early 2000s, created by Carey Carter and Bradford Haami. Mataku was the first TV drama to be written, directed and produced entirely

by Māori people. It dreamt up worlds filled with the potential consequences of fucking around with tapu and tikanga Māori. We all have those stories in our iwi, hapū or marae— mine is one my koro told me of our island, where

a part of the urupa is absolutely forbidden to tread on, and anyone who does would find themselves suffering the consequences later such as sickness or even death.

Mataku doesn’t hesitate on gore, blood, magical realism and all-around creepiness, reminding us all that tapu will fuck our shit up if we don’t respect it. You can find episodes of it on YouTube and NZ On Screen.

Teine Sā Similar to Mataku, Teine Sā is a Pasifika-focused horror series, with all the episodes combined into a full feature film Teine Sā - The Ancient Ones. The five episodes tell the stories of five different Pacific goddesses, who they are and what they are known for across different cultures of the moana, including the likes of Telesā from Samoa, shaman guardians from the Solomon Islands, and the pan-Polynesian goddess of the moon, Sina. These ancient wāhine make their way into the modern world, interacting with five modern wāhine facing their own struggles and demons. Full of rich imagery and storytelling, this is a mustwatch to gain a deeper insight into Pasifika cultures and spirituality. The full film can be found for FREE on Youtube.

Whetū Mārama: Bright Star Whetū Mārama: Bright Star shares the incredible story of the late Sir Hekenukumai Ngaiwi Puhipi, aka Hec Busby, who left his longtime career of bridge building at age 50 to pursue his passion of Māori navigation, ocean voyaging and traditional waka building. More than 15 years in the making, the film collates a range of footage, such as archival footage or dramatic reconstruction. When I spoke to the directors last year in my previous reporting job, people who had worked alongside him the entire 15 years, you could really feel the aroha and respect they had for Sir Busby and his journey. Whetū Mārama: Bright Star honours Sir Busby wonderfully, shedding a deserved light on his huge contributions to Māori navigation within Aotearoa. It can be found for rent on Youtube, Apple TV, Google Movies or New Zealand Film OnDemand website.

Glossary:

Haumis – homies Mae irawhiti – transphobia Aroha – love Wahine/wāhine – woman/women Toi – art Tāmaki Makaurau – Auckland Tapu – sacred Tikanga – Māori customs and traditions Iwi – Māori tribe Hapū – subtribe Urupa – cemetery Marae – communal place for iwi and hapū

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Sexcapades Upto?

Read 2:37 AM

Not the good type of wind I saw this guy a few months ago who I really liked; things were going super well.

Even though we had only been seeing each other for about 3 weeks at this point, we just got along well. One weekday night he invited me over. I was super nervous, as I had never been to his place before.

Anyways I arrived and all was going well, we decided to have a movie night in his room with snacks and you already know how that is going to go, but before we got to doing anything, my stomach started to get sore. I needed to fart; like bad. What makes it even worse is that he has an ensuite, so his room was connected to this bathroom, which is any girl’s worst nightmare.

After a while of hoping the need to fart would go away it didn’t. So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do, I probably needed to have a poo but no way I’m going to do that! And I can’t fart on the toilet because that would only echo, and he’d hear.

After being in the bathroom for a while I started getting nervous because by this time, he’d start wondering if I was okay.

Then, I remembered seeing a TikTok video hack that if you didn’t want your farts to make a sound, you should spread your cheeks. So, I decided to squat on the floor and do exactly that.

As I was squatting with my pants down and cheeks spread, he knocked on the door to see if I was okay, which gave me a fright and I farted loudly. It reverberated off the floor and I just know he heard as he was obviously right next to the door. Oh my gosh, I had never been so embarrassed - I told him I was fine, opened the door, awkwardly smiled at him and then we continued to watch the movie.

We stopped seeing each other not long after....

Got a confession, a naughty tale, a sexy story?

Email editor@massivemagazine.org.nz to submit yours

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Solicited Advice

From Pocket

Solicited advice is a weekly column where Massive’s own four-legged Agony Aunty, Pocket, shares her wisdom and experience with you all. She speaks only truths.

Pocket, I’m having a disagreement with my friend. I know it shouldn’t be affecting our friendship, but it is. Any advice on being the bigger person and getting over it?

Why must you be the bigger person? To establish physical dominance?

Power and size are not proportional, and I am an exquisite exemplar. In my opinion, you should simply be the bad guy.

This week, I have been honing my skills of antagonism with a certain dog in Newtown. Each day I walk past his fence, and each day he barks as if it is an affront to his very way of life that I should be allowed to.

This is not animal cruelty, because I do not see him as my equal. Aside from this little adventure, I have been doing my regular weekly activities; pulling succulents out of community gardens, loosening the cables in the computer labs in K block, fighting off the other cats that want to live in the MAWSA building, and croquet.

I live my life on my own terms with unparalleled delight and have yet to see any consequences. Why be the bigger person when you can be the villain?

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Do you have a question you’re dying to have answered?

DM Massive Magazine on Instagram or editor@massivemagazine.org.nz and look out for next week’s issue - no question is too difficult for Pocket.

Horoscopes Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Take care of your teeth this week, Aries. All of them.

Shadows are slippery things; take care not to lose yours this week, Cancer.

Libra, this is the week to keep things in balance. From the eternal shifting of tides, storms, and sand dunes to your diet and exercise regime – it’s all about balance.

This week, Capricorn, you’ll be as incomprehensible and visually confusing as the goatmermaid hybrid you’re named after. You’ve got it going on, girl!

Keep your eye on the prize, Taurus, as to avoid seeing what’s behind you.

It’s time to use your roar, Leo – is your voice being heard? Is your name being recognised?

Can your flatmates actually see you? Do your hands pass through solid objects?

Stranger things have happened, Scorpio, but not often. Best to stay home from that 9AM, just in case.

Aquarius, get out that dehumidifier this week – moss and mould can grow anywhere with enough moisture, like bathrooms, kitchens, and lungs.

Mind the gap.

You have people-pleasing tendencies, Virgo. Learn to set boundaries with firm, clear statements and with circles of salt.

Sagittarius, I promise that mysterious smell in the garden will go away this week; I’ll dig it back up.

Test your smoke alarms, Pisces. Just solid, good advice.

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Basic Witch Palmerston North escapades A humble review brought to you by a local Witch-aboutWellington. Reviewing the places and things that will help you develop your pagan practices, revel in your arcane knowledge, and ascend to your highest self.

This week, this witch-about-Wellington has become a witch-about-the-lower-North-Island, as I’ve spent some time in Palmerston North. We’ve all been there— one moment you’re ingesting a normal number of fungi, and the next you’re suddenly transported over a hundred kilometres away from the dank forest floor where you were peacefully having your picnic. What’s a witch to do?

This week, after a particularly hearty batch of Coprinus Comatus, I found myself at the Massey Manawatū campus. Sure, being magically transported by forces beyond your control or comprehension is cheaper than an air fare, but the hangover is just awful. I decided to make the best of the situation and review a few local spots before I managed to break into the supply closet in the science tower and steal a mop to make it home.

Illustration by Eden Laing

By Tui Lou Christie (she/they)

Place:

The Warehouse Palmerston North 5 stars ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

I had barely been here 5 minutes when the portal to the underworld opened in the bedding and towels section. Such a pleasant surprise and super convenient, as the Infernal Judge Rhadamanthus, all-seeing judgement pronouncer of the recently deceased, dweller of the Elysian Fields, right-hand to Cronus, knew the combination to the supply closet in the science tower!

Place:

The Manawatu River 3 stars ★ ★ ★

Ah, the mighty lifeblood of Palmerston North. Resplendent with the early spring’s lush greens, budding flowers, and abandoned shopping carts. I’m sure for most people this is a non-issue, but unfortunately for me, witches can’t cross running water with magic. My mop sputtered and fell out of the sky, and I had to go across the bridge on foot. Mildly inconvenient, but a nice enough view.

If you visit the water nymphs here to make an offering of safe passage, take note that they smoke Chesterfield Greens, NOT B&H Reds like the nymphs at the Hutt River. Don’t make my mistake!

Place:

The Lido Aquatic Centre 2 star ★ ★

I feel like I was being polite, keeping my blood-letting ritual relatively well contained in the kiddy pool, but I still got kicked out. A sober reminder that, as progressive as we like to think we are as a society, anti-witch bias is still all around us.

22 23

In Review – The NZSO, Mozart & Salieri

By Aiden Charles (they/them)

It was around the halfway mark that I realised something: classical music kinda goes hard.

If you know me, know of me, or have just seen my general appearance at a glance, I don’t seem the type to be into Mozart, violins, or songs that weren’t written in the ‘90s. My usual scenes are dimly lit, grungy, this-ain’t-your-mama’sgig kinda joints.

However, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to see the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra’s performance of Mozart & Salieri, a short and sweet show boasting amazing talent and showcasing some of the best of Eighteenthcentury music.

I’m just going to say this earlier on: if you’re a fan of this style of music and are thinking of seeing the NZSO, then do it. Outside of this performance, I have seen them play once before. They performed music from ‘Doctor Who’, and like that last time, they did not disappoint.

Under the leadership of director and violinist Vesa-Matti Leppänen, the NZSO took the audience through a variety of compositions spanning four composers: Joseph Haydn, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Antonio Salieri, and Johann Nepomuk Hummel.

the precision with which each note played. Everyone playing looked like they were having a genuinely good time.

Something which I did not expect to find at this show was comedy, but Leppänen even managed to sneak some of that onto the stage, with humorous yet informative commentary between performances. These small pieces of commentary gave background to the music being played, informing the audience of the circumstances surrounding the writing, as well as musical quirks within each piece.

These small bits of dialogue would not be found during a longer concert, and created a welcome break from the music, acting as a palate cleanser between sets.

As a musician and just a general fan of live performances, I thoroughly enjoyed what was on offer. Mozart & Salieri was an excellent, bite-sized piece of classical entertainment.

If they’re swinging by your town and you’re looking for an excuse to dress up, class up, and go listen to some high society tunes, then I cannot recommend them enough.

While their run of this particular set has ended, I’m thoroughly excited to see what pieces they bring to the stage in the near future.

The roughly hour-long programme showed just how talented the NZSO are. The style, grace, and class which they bring to the stage is nothing to scoff at, not to mention

Illustration by Kenishaa Shreeyaa

23

On The Doll

By Tui Lou Christie (she/they)

I’m an adult doll collector.

I’m not sure if everyone would call me a collector, as I only have about 22. I’m also not certain if I’m an adult, as I’m also 22. However, by most legal definitions, I’m an adult doll collector.

There’s a certain stigma around collecting dolls as an adult, and articles about adult doll collecting are usually long explanations of why ‘it isn’t that weird’ and how ‘lots of people do it, actually’, and so on. However, I have faith that the good readers of Massive do not care about random people with hobbies, and I will instead just prattle on about some of my favourite dolls from my own collection.

I’m a big history buff and I love vintage stuff. I’m especially interested in vintage homewares that relate to the domestic lives of women and children— kitchen equipment, quilts and linens, women’s magazines, and of course, toys and dolls.

So, it follows that I collect second-hand ceramic dolls, mainly from op shops and TradeMe. I love getting this small glimpse into someone’s past and feeling connected to those who have come before me. For a long time, I would longingly look at second-hand dolls, knowing I wouldn’t be able to display them in my room, for my partner’s sake, nor any of our communal spaces, for my flatmate’s sake. Now my flatties and I are in a new house, and I can collect to my heart’s content. There’s an idea that you shouldn’t make your guest bed too comfortable, so my dolls live on the dresser in the spare room.

Dolls in Western Dress These are probably my favourite dolls; I think they’re just darling. They’ve got little yeehaw clothes, and they only have one hat that they share between them. I think that when I’m not in the room they whisper in tongues to one another, crafting an intricate personal ideology of ‘the American dream’, presenting and disseminating it universally as some kind of natural state of being (what Roland Barthes called a ‘myth’ of humanity) but whenever I come back in the room they are where I left them. Curious.

Doll in Luxembourgish national dress The only non-ceramic doll I collect are dolls in national dress, including this sweet little lady sporting a traditional folk costume from Luxembourg, I’ve got a few dolls in national dress and I think they’re so interesting as a historic item, something between a toy and an educational tool. I’ve chosen her for this list because she has clear inset eyes that close when she lays down, like a lot of the old plastic dolls that I own. The thing about clear inset eyes in a plastic doll is that when the doll is lit from behind (as mine are on my windowsill), the eyes glow bright pink as though possessed. Personally, I love that for her.

Annabelle One of the very few dolls in my collection that came with a name is Annabelle, according to the little tag on her wrist. Annabelle’s beautiful gold ringlets and fur-trimmed dress are in great condition, and she came with her own doll stand. I cannont see any reason why no one else brought Annabelle from the op shop, as she’s such a beautiful doll!

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Illustrations by Tui Lou Christie

Ramsey’s Flatting Nightmares “Fucking RAW!” – Gordon Ramsey, numerous occasions

By Aiden Charles (they/them)

With the whole ‘fending for yourself’ thing comes the amazing task of cooking your own meals.

Fantastic if you’re a chef with infinite money, less so if you’re a struggling student.

Long-time fans of Massive might remember that I reviewed depression meals way back when. While I will not be touching on those here (those meals can stay in my nightmares for all I care), I am going to be talking about food and how bloody depressing it can be.

It was last Wednesday, and for the third night in a row I was eating beans on toast. Affordable, filling, tasty, boring.

After three days the palate craves something a bit more… flavour-town. But alas, flavour-town can be a hard place to arrive in when you haven’t got much income.

So, think of this as a how to/survival guide on navigating the culinary world, because even though you’re a student who drinks crap beer and watches too much Netflix instead of working, you still deserve to be treated.

Portions portions portions

Let’s say you’re cooking for just yourself. Why make only one portion when you could make two? BOOM. LIFE HACK. You’ve just created dinner for the next night, and maybe the night after that if you forget about it and feel brave upon finding it. Doing this with pasta means you can just eat it cold outta your Tupperware, which means fewer dishes for you and more time procrastinating that overdue essay.

Cooking and communication

It’s your turn to cook, and you want tacos. Sally does not want tacos, and neither does Gary, Steven or Lucy. But it’s your turn, so you made tacos. And now your flatmates hate you, and you’re going to be kicked out of the flat for being selfish and making tacos. Don’t do this. Remember to communicate and compromise with your flatties. Mealtime should be enjoyable for all, not just time for some Remy the Rat antics where you make whatever you damn well please.

26

Illustration by Kenishaa Shreeyaa

The way I see it, sad bellies make a sad home, so keep your flatties happy with meals you can all enjoy.

Chicken

You think you’re brave enough to cook chicken? You really wanna be the guy who gives everyone salmonella? Yeah, I thought so. Just don’t go there. Get KFC instead. You probably deserve it.

Try to have fun with it

If you’ve read this far then I shall reveal to you that all this advice is coming from a former kitchen hand, so yeah, I think I’m a bit of a Mensa level genius in this area.

Seriously though, I am someone who enjoys cooking a lot.

Just cause the meals are basic, doesn’t mean it has to suck making them. Chuck on your favourite show, get everyone in the kitchen doing something, roleplay The Bear. Flat meals are what you make of them, on and off the plate.

Lined up for luxury

By Sammy Carter (she/her)

Greenlees had gotten a lot of hate on her TikTok for her prices but felt there was an endless amount of clothing in the world. “What we sell is quite niche and a lot of it is branded stuff that would’ve been expensive to start with so it’s actually a big price drop.” She feels that fast fashion companies like Shein put the idea into people’s heads that anything over $15 is expensive.

Greenlees didn’t feel the need to respond to hate as others backed her up. She said, “If you don’t wanna buy it, cool.

Someone else will.”

From vintage Juicy Couture, Guess, and Dior to surf chick chic, Welly locals were lining up down the street for this vintage pop-up and tattoo event.

Preloved Charlies and Nisa Thrifts held their first event selling their rare vintage collection at Studio Seaweed tattoo studio. The event had a queue stretching down Dixon Street from 10 am and dozens of people signing up for flash tattoos.

Preloved Charlies owner and Massey Design student Mikaela Venimore said, “I thought there’d be a queue that was enough to fill the room, not to have to hold people back.” Venimore has run her business for two years and reached over 14,000 followers on Instagram. However, she said running a business while studying is “fucked”. She said, “I’ll sit in class and work.”

After just graduating her degree in Political Science from Victoria University, Greenlees was running her business full time. She found studying and running a business hard, “My first trimester running it, I failed two papers.”

The pop-up event was held at Hana Clough’s tattoo studio, Studio Seaweed, where over 20 people booked her for a flash tattoo on Saturday alone. The self-taught tattoo artist didn’t expect the event to get so big, “this is crazy”.

When she arrived at the studio that morning and saw the line down the street, she thought a fire alarm must have gone off nearby. What went through her mind was, “Holy shit, why are there so many people outside?”

She said the event went well because of “good intentions and good cunts that carry it”. Clough is a skating friend of Venimore and said it was amazing to see her friend’s business grow, “she’s just flourishing”. She loved that she was including other homies in the event.

Some feel vintage resellers are unethical, with the view that they take away good clothing from those who need it.

Venimore said, “If you actually look at how many clothes there are, I think it’s a very narrow perspective.”

Over 100 billion items of clothing are produced each year, almost 14 items for every person. “When you actually start looking at these types of statistics, you get that this is a huge, big problem and instead of wasting your time talking about people who sell vintage, why aren’t you criticizing them [fast fashion],” Venimore said.

She had experienced criticism for her prices, but where one person wouldn’t pay, another would. “There’s a girl who was like ‘I’m not gonna pay $54 for that’ and then another girl was like ‘well, I will’.” Plus, you can’t get what she sells in the country.

Nisa Thrifts owner Annissa Greenlees got into thrifting at 15, “all my friends were like ‘that’s so gross’. Now it’s so trendy.”

27

A doof doof to remember: 121 Festival

By Dana Whale (she/her)

There are many festivals that we all know and love, and then there is the121 festival. In hindsight, there aren’t any other festivals in New Zealand that quite capture the space and energy that 121 brought, it was incomparable. A 3-day dance odyssey, an all-encompassing vibe of art, music, wellness, nature, food, and drink, and boy— did it deliver just that.

We got up bright and early on the Friday morning of the first day of the festival, anxiously checking the weather forecast and hoping for clear skies. We ditched all responsibilities and likely overdue uni work for the weekend, packed our bags, and commuted an hour out of what was a miserable rainy Wellington day to a serene and sunny Wairarapa. We arrived at the Tauherenikau Racecourse amongst other excited festival goers, itching to get inside and see what it was all about.

121 festival couldn’t have come at a better time. After drastic weather events happening across the nation and multiple festivals and events being cancelled from flooding and Cyclone Gabrielle, to the festival itself being pushed back two years due to Covid’s obstacles and restrictions, it was safe to say there was a visible buzz of excitement throughout the air. After two long years, everyone was thrilled to come together and escape the reality of these recent hardships, leave all life stresses behind, and dance the weekend away.

Upon entering, we were struck foremost by the stunning ancient kahikatea trees surrounding the grounds, decked out with fairy lights amongst a variety of art installations set up by local artists. We trekked down the long track,lugging our 20-dollar Warehouse tents, and set up camp. The set-up of the festival came with many vendors and stalls, interactive light installations that proved to be more entertaining to us later on in the night, a narrow concrete bunker stage known as the ‘dance tunnel’ with a deafening sound system, and even a wellness area complete with hammocks and little sit-down areas away from the madness of the festival, where yoga and meditation sessions ran throughout the day. It felt like we were in a wee fairy-tale utopia wellness retreat for the weekend.

121’s diverse line-up combined global artists from Europe and afar with local familiar talent from New Zealand.

On Friday we started off the evening by catching NZ’s Advantdale Bowling Club, to then seeing UK electronic duo Overmono play 90’s rave-induced anthemic techno sounds.

After enjoying Irish DJ Kettama’s set of jacking house beats and messing about with games of Jenga and said light installations into the early morning, we wandered back to our campsite excited for the next day’s programme ahead of 28us.

On very little sleep, we awoke on Saturday and shocked our hangovers away with a cold swim in a river out of Carterton.

Saturday’s line-up was massive. We began the night rushing to the dance tunnel to find a good spot for UK garage DJ Interplanetary Criminal’s set, followed by Danish DJ Main phase, to then running to join the crowd at the neighbouring Odyssey stage to see Berlin-based duo FJAAK, and ending the night with some hyper-trance techno provided by German duo DJ Heartstring. The crowds were embellished with unhinged make-shift ‘doof sticks’, bedazzled with fairy lights and silly inflatables, many being horse-related for some odd reason.

We packed our tents and left on the Sunday, saddened to return back to normal reality. It is safe to say, after three days of dancing, drinking, not sleeping, driving, more dancing, some yoga, and messing about with friends, 121 festival felt like a healing reminder of the true essence of community, friendship and art. I think that festivals are all about finding yourself in an alternate, temporary reality, and I left 121 festival fully in the thrall of the slice of paradise that it was.

Flatting with friends? Don’t.

By Emily Wilson (she/her)

As exciting and fun as it sounds, flatting with friends is the worst idea. I’ll be honest, it does start off great, living with friends, no rules, constant fun and laughter, what could be better?

In second year, I flatted with a group of girlfriends I’d made the previous year, and we were so excited to move out into our own place without any of the silly hall rules. It was so good, we all got along super well, I had 4 wardrobes of clothes to choose from when I decided I didn’t like any of my own; always hanging out together and going out and doing things all together, it was great! Until it wasn’t.

Those little petty arguments started to creep up on us, the passive aggressive messages in the flat chat started to appear more often. Dividing up the responsibilities seemed like a good idea, this was only the case if everyone were to do their weekly assigned job... this only worked for about the first 2 weeks of having a roster, some of us kept to our jobs and did them weekly, some of us didn’t which made the people who did frustrated and angry.

• The very rare person who doesn’t complain and just does them without any fuss, a.k.a. an angel.

I lived with my only friends in Wellington. We all did everything together but as soon as you were left out of an activity, even if it wasn’t malicious, it was still not nice, and those little things started to put a strain on our friendship.

So, I moved out and wow I’ve never had such healthy relationships with my friends. I can choose when to see them and when I don’t want to. If I need my alone time, I can easily do that and not feel left out when I hear them all laughing in the living room and feeling the need to be a part of it and sacrifice my own time.

Obviously, this isn’t the case for all friend groups who live together, but as soon as those petty and passive aggressive messages start to appear there is no turning back – I’d leave before it’s too late, save yourself.

Then there were dishes, this was a whole different game.

I’ve noticed that there are three different types of people when it comes to cleaning/or not cleaning the dishes: • “Heyy can everyone please do their dishes it’s getting really gross and starting to smell x” -sent into the group chat.

• The person who refuses to touch anyone else and just does theirs (which can also be 1).

Illustration by Eden Laing

29

Acronyms crossword

13. CDROM 10. ANZ

8. LASER 6. YMCA

5. NASCAR 3. FOMO

2. SCUBA 1. GIF

Down 22. MPI

21. LGBT

19. NATO

17. DPRK 15. RSA 14. DUI

12. ANZAC

11. NAACP

20

Moving file format Diving device Emotion one might feel after not attending an event American stock car racing association It’s fun to stay here, according to Village People Optical amplified light emitter Largest of New Zealand’s ‘big four’ banks with 30% of market share Read-only data format utilising pre-pressed discs Swedish supergroup whose first names make up their acronym Overly touchy couples on the bus are displaying this acronym Put in your PIN to get NZD here

16. ABBA

21 22

US surveillance org 1 World Heritage org 2 Manhattan art museum 3 Most common degree acronym MLK’s US civil rights org 5 Collected armed forces celebrated on April 25th 6 Alcohol-related road crime 8 Veteran support org 10 Highly centralised totalitarian state in East Asia Intergovernmental military alliance and creators 13 of a phonetic alphabet system Most common queer acronym 16 Govt. ministry in charge of biosecurity, forestry, and fisheries.

18

18. PDA

3 4 7 9 11 12 14 15 17 19

Down

20. ATM

Across

9. BA

7. MOMA

4. UNESCO Across 3. FBI

30

house quiz 1. How many seats in New Zealand’s house of parliament?

2. Who plays House in ‘House M.D.’?

3. ‘Corey in the House’ is a spin-off of which other Disney show?

4. What is the house crest of Ravenclaw?

5. Who is the lead singer of New Zealand band Crowded House?

6. What is ‘house’ in te reo Māori?

7. The ‘Waffle House Index’, based on the southern American chain restaurant, is a metric designed to estimate what?

??

?

8. The northern most light house in New Zealand is located where?

9. Which famous public ‘house’ features iconic architectural features inspired by orange peels?

10. Robert Eggers’ film The Lighthouse (2019) features Robert Pattinson alongside which other actor?

Renter’s rights and obligations quiz 1. The maximum amount a landlord can charge tenants in bond is equivalent to how many weeks’ rent?

2. Hugh Laurie Answer Key 1. 120

4. 28 days in writing 5. 24 hours. If they wish to enter the property for an inspection, they might provide at least 48 hours’ notice.

3. No, this is a tenant’s responsibility.

2. Once every 12 months 1. 4 weeks

Answer key:

methamphetamine?

3. ‘That’s So Raven’

entering your property for repairs and maintenance or testing for

4. Eagle

5. How much notice does a landlord need to give you before

5. Neil Finn

need to provide your landlord to end tenancy?

6. Whare (or kāinga, meaning ‘home’)

4. If you have a periodic tenancy agreement, how much notice do you

7. The severity of storms

operated?

8. Cape Rēinga

smoke alarms; does this extend to changing their batteries, if battery-

9. The Sydney Opera House

3. It is a landlord’s responsibility to ensure a house has working

10. Willem Dafoe

2. How often can your landlord raise your rent?

31

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