Massive: Issue 07 'Farming'

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS

A EST. 2012

FARMING

ISSUE SEVEN A MONDAY 22ND APRIL

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01. EDITORIAL | ETITA 02. NEWS | KAWE PŪRONGO 04. NZ HERALD CRITICISED FOR ‘BIASED’

REPORTING OF WAR ON GAZA 06. JUGGLING BOOKS AND BABIES: PARENTS MAKE DISTANCE STUDY WORK 06. AUCKLAND NURSING STUDENTS LEFT FRUSTRATED AFTER DEGREE AXED OPINION: TVNZ MIGHT CANCEL 07.

SHORTLAND STREET AND I’M GLAD

03. FEATURES | AHUATANGA 08. KETARINARY SCIENCE:

CONVERSATIONS WITH A VET STUDENT FARM GIRL FIT CHECK

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14. THE HISTORY OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY 18. CULTIVATING AND CAPITALISING CORN

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04. COLUMNS | TĪWAE 22.

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SEXCAPADES OUT OF CONTROL RAMMING WITH FERGUS

05. HOROSCOPES 06. PUZZLES | PANGA

ABOUT US

Massive is largely funded by Te Tira Ahu Pae and the student services levy, however, remains editorially independent.

Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

NZ Media Council: Those with a complaint towards the publication should first complain in writing to the editor editor@massivemagazine.org.nz If unsatisfied A 2 with the response, complaints should be made to the NZ Media Council info@mediacouncil.org.nz

MASSIVE

This magazine is made from a mixture of paper from FSC-certified forests and other controlled material.

Printed by a Toitu carbon zero certified company.

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EDITORIAL

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EDITOR SHEARS FERGUS My duvet was starting to feel like the duvet of a 19-year-old dairy farmer who stays warm with the dirt built up on his skin. And with Briscoes selling 100% wool duvet inners for $129 dollars, I thought cuddling up to the wool of Massey’s mascot, Fergus the Ram, was the perfect solution.

I went into Fergus’ paddock one morning and he was looking rather fluffy. His curly mullet and wool looked so soft and irresistible in the wind. Living in the city for three years, I had forgotten what it’s like for the countryside folk, the farmers. The up and down weather of Wellington manipulated by seasonal perception.

So later that day, while Fergus was having his afternoon nap, I sheared him. I sheared him down to the skin. It was a sight for sore eyes. I slept wonderfully in my Fergus wool duvet, dreaming of the sheared ram. But I awoke to a screaming, shivering Fergus in my face.

“Sammy, how could you?! It’s April. I’m freezing. And the sheep won’t leave me alone. My naked body is too irresistible,” Fergus wept at my bedside.

“Fergus, I’m so sorry,” I said, but I couldn’t hide my smirk.

A sheared Fergus in my bedroom was very distracting.

The only solution was for Fergus to get in bed with me and cuddle up in his very own wool.

—Love, Sammy.

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22 APRIL 2024

ISSUE SEVEN

MASSIVE MAGAZINE

NZ HERALD CRITICISED FOR ‘BIASED’ REPORTING OF WAR ON GAZA WORDS BY SAMMY CARTER A SHE/HER

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rotestors gathered outside the NZME Auckland office last Monday, saying “We need to be having the voices of Palestinian people in our media every single day.”

Since October 7th, Israel has waged an indiscriminate assault against the people of Gaza, murdering over 33,000 and destroying hospitals, schools, mosques, churches, factories, homes, food and water sources.

The protests started on March 21st outside the NZ Herald Auckland office. The most recent was last Monday outside the NZME Auckland office, this being the organisation that owns NZ Herald.

Spokesperson for People for Palestine, Ara Marinkovich said, “NZ Herald is well overdue being held to account for its misleading terminology and white washing of war crimes.”

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“NZME claims to be responsible for the ‘first draft of history’— well, history will not look kindly on this organisation.”

Advocate Dayna Edge collected data from NZ Herald to find what words were used most frequently to describe attacks.

When it came to the October 7th attack

by Hamas, some of the most used words were “deadly” and “bloody”.

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When it came to attacks by Israel in October, one of the most used words was “intense”. The words “deadly” or “bloody” were not used anywhere.

Edge found NZ Herald overall used more than double the descriptive words to describe the Hamas attack on October 7th than to describe all attacks by Israel in October.

Edge told Massive most of NZME’s reporting on the issue was simply re-reporting from other reporters.

She said this creates a ‘through the grapevine’ effect, which may result in the “propagation of misleading or even incorrect information”.

She asked the question: “Why are we reading no reports from journalists in Gaza, when we are reading reports from journalists pretty much everywhere else?”

NZ Herald republished an article by the New York Times called, What we know about sexual violence during the October 7 attacks on Israel.

The article was later scrutinised and debunked by the family of one of its featured victims and had one of its authors’ contracts terminated.

Edge said NZ Herald readers wouldn’t know how questionable this article was unless they found out independently.

Last Monday, a protestor spoke into a megaphone at the NZME office saying a Western journalist said they cannot report on Gaza as they cannot get in.

They said this was “completely ignoring the voices of the Palestinian journalists who are risking their lives day and in and day out to report to us”.

“They’re not platforming voices from Palestine, they only want to listen to colonised voices from the West. It’s not good enough.”

NZ Herald was approached for comment, however, did not supply a response.

Protestors outside NZ Herald's Auckland office in March.

Photos / Supplied

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JUGGLING BOOKS AND BABIES PARENTS MAKE DISTANCE STUDY WORK WORDS BY CAITLIN BINGHAM A SHE/HER

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s a parent, your schedule is about as predictable as a toddler on a sugar high.

Between diaper changes, school runs, and impromptu dance parties, finding time to study can feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

“It’s amazing when you think about how much time we spend waiting for something to happen — waiting for the bus to come, at the doctor’s office, for the kids to finish up their ballet class”.

“The time I can focus best is when the kids are in bed, so that’s usually when I do more focused activities, like writing a paper.”

For parent of seven and sociology student, Landi Cranstoun, striking a balance means staying focused but also pragmatic.

Fortunately, Massey lecturers, many of whom are parents themselves, were happy to help.

“I’m careful to be very realistic with how much time I have to spend. While I do as well as I can, I also recognise that I’m not necessarily trying to gain excellence in everything all the time.”

Cranstoun said, “When I run into something unexpected, I reach out as soon as possible to the course coordinator.

In my course they are generally very flexible”.

Adding tiny humans into the work/study mix means there’s extra pressure to get everything right. But stressed parents may be happy to hear that there’s no perfect recipe.

“If I were giving advice to a parent with young children, I’d tell them that it’s going to make an impact — having the kids see their parent study. It demonstrates for them how important it is to work hard at their own studies.”

Cranstoun said, “Contrary to the usual advice, I don’t have a strict schedule and study space set aside.

I tend to keep my course readings with me so that whenever I have a few minutes I can chip away at it.”

“It also shows them that no matter how far along they are, they can always change course and try something new.”

AUCKLAND NURSING STUDENTS LEFT FRUSTRATED AFTER DEGREE AXED WORDS BY YESENIA PINEDA A SHE/THEY

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uckland nursing students at Massey feel left behind after the degree was closed to new enrolments last year.

In August last year, Massey University cut its Albany Bachelor of Nursing for new students, with the Wellington and Manawatū courses remaining.

It was cut in Albany along with degrees such as Engineering, Food Technology, and Biological Sciences.

Janice, an international nursing student in Albany said,

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“what if they do the same shit they did to Engineering and what if they ask us to go somewhere else?”

Many students have moved to Wellington and Palmerston North after degrees were consolidated, something that is difficult for international students.

The cuts were made as Massey faced a budget deficit of around $40 million for 2023.

Remaining Albany nursing students now have many classes online and lecturers were hard to contact.

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Janice said, “I had to send thirteen freaking emails just to find out about my shifts next week.”

“It doesn’t feel conducive to my study.”

Organising placements with teachers by distance proved particularly difficult, “They didn’t even tell us nor gave us clear instructions on what we’re supposed to do.”

Janice said teachers don’t come to her with help, she goes to them.

“I might as well self-study”.

However, Nicolette Sheridan, head of School of Nursing said the school is committed to providing highquality nursing education to Auckland-based students.

“Students who complete a BN with Massey will graduate work-ready, knowledgeable, skillful, and as adaptable and critical thinkers.”

While new enrolments were shut, she said all current nursing students on the Auckland campus are able to complete the degree.

Deanne Dychinco, a second-year student in the Bachelor of Nursing said she really loved science labs and dissections last year, “but now, we don’t have any of those labs and it’s just online.”

OPINION: TVNZ MIGHT CANCEL SHORTLAND STREET AND I’M GLAD WORDS BY ELIZABETH MOISSON A SHE/HER

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he much-loved New Zealand TV series, Shortland Street, is on the chopping block, and I think it’s time it gets cut.

TVNZ announced plans last month to cut 68 jobs, as well as shows like Fair Go, Sunday, 1 News Midday, 1 News Tonight, and potentially Shortland Street.

The New Zealand hospital soap opera has been on TV since 1992 and had 32 seasons. It’s safe to say the show is past it’s due date — it's boring.

I’ve caught myself falling into the show's traps before, my mouth dropping when Chris Warner got another woman pregnant and a very unlikely plot of someone shooting down the hospital.

But I stopped watching when it became repetitive and predictable.

A below average hospital drama about doctors and nurses having copious amounts of sex in the supply closet, many divorces and telling everyone the patients’ diagnoses in the hallway is only going to last so long.

However, I’d be surprised if the show actually gets cut.

It’s stuck around for so long for a reason. It’s a show everyone hates but secretly loves. A guilty pleasure.

It’s also a place where many Kiwis get their start in the industry. Pixie? The character who died of cancer and Chris spent 40 minutes doing CPR on? That was Thomasin McKenzie who went on to have a lead role in the blockbuster film JoJo Rabbit. KJ Apa? He went from Shortland Street to playing a lead role in Netflix’s hit show Riverdale.

The Shortland Street to international success pipeline for young actors could be cut off. I might not be sad if the show gets cancelled, but the rookie actors trying to get their big break will be.

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ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

WORDS BY AIDEN WILSON A THEY/THEM

KETAMIND TELLING US ALL WHAT VETS REALLY GET UP TO?

They’re up at the crack of dawn and powering through to the twilight hours, working with animals both alive and deceased, moving across the country for their studies all while juggling their own social and work lives. Anyone who even attempts to get through the workload a Massey Veterinary student has should be proud of themselves.

But a big reputation leads to big exaggeration,

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“Vet students all need to take ketamine and uppers to get through their workload.”

“Vet students spend all their free time sleeping together.”

“Vet students only know how to talk about animals and literally nothing else.”

The stereotypes and rumours are seemingly infinite.

so it’s no surprise that the hardest workers around also have some of the harsher stereotypes.

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But a vet student, Dr Dolittle (not their real name…

“No one would even consider stealing anything because

or is it?) says the stress of their degree is where

you'd go to jail and waste all the late nights studying.”

all these stereotypes originate from.

But Dolittle didn’t deny that vet students love to talk

“Yeah, we are a pretty stressy bunch. But also, we know how to blow off steam and party.”

about vet. “If you put vet students in the same room we will yap about stories from placements all night.”

Think about the grossest thing a vet has to do, and that’s what vet students chit-chat about over brunch.

Dolittle said vet students are totally desensitised to

The rumour that vet students LOVE ketamine makes

how gross their degree is. “We talk about the vilest

sense given that it’s a horse tranquilizer. But Dolittle

things while eating and don’t even think twice about it.”

put down these Wolf of Wallstreet type rumours.

Just like the ketamine locked up at Massey, the pressure “Vet students are absolutely party animals!

of the degree can make vet students feel restrained.

However, personally I don't think we have much

Dolittle said placement, where students go and work in

of a drug scene! Just classic Kiwi binge drinking.”

the industry, is a particularly difficult time. “Placements can be the best and worst part of the degree”.

“I guess some people may dabble in MD? But nothing more serious than that.”

The fifth year of Veterinary is, for the most part, all done in placement. Seeing what you learn in lectures first

Dolittle wondered if the ketamine rumours came from

hand is exciting, but it's also a lot to take on board.

people assuming vet students have unregulated access

“The experience you get definitely depends on the clinic

to animal drugs. But they said all medication is under

you go to and the vets you are with. It can be really long

tight regulation and paperwork to get it is super strict.

days, and some clinics don’t let you do anything.”

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Working with live animals also creates an

The Vet student policy states that “a student will

emotional attachment. “You get really close

not be requested or permitted to work more than

to them when you spend days or weeks caring

12 contiguous hours in the VTH or 15 hours within a

for them.” The way Dolittle dealt with this is

24-hour period”. Dolittle’s day was pushing those 12

having what they called ‘work me’ and ‘home me’.

contiguous hours, and due to the nature of their work was not showing signs of letting up any time soon.

“As soon as I put on my lab coat, overalls, scrubs —I am ‘vet-me’, who is a professional. Then when I take them off, I leave all the emotion and stress and tears behind and I am ‘home-me’.”

The Veterinary Student Code of Conduct explicitly states that a vet student will “maintain my wellbeing to the best of my ability to enable me to carry out my role.”

It’s concerning that the expectations on these students forces them to go directly against the code.

One thing after the other, Veterinary sounds very grim.

Dolittle did assure me that it is a line of study they do enjoy and did not want to warn anyone off taking

“It helps me to switch off and not worry.”

up the challenge. The degree comes with its bad reputation of sketchiness in the shadier parts of the

Near the end of our chat, Dolittle mentioned

vet building. I’ve heard people say Vet is the hardest

that they had been on campus since 7:30am.

thing anyone could do. But for every person saying

It was 5:40pm when we finished talking.

that, there’s another with a smile on their face yelling at me about how interesting the biology of a horse is.

Post interview, I received a follow up text from them: “Still here lol. 20 more minutes and then its more than 12 hours which is technically against policy.”

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FARM GIRL FITCHECK

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CIT Y GIRL'S GUIDE TO H O T F A R M E R FASHION

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WORDS BY JESSIE DAVIDSON A SHE/HER

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uddy gumboots, unmanicured nails, worn-out overalls, sweat-stained armpits, dirty and downright unstylish are only some of harmful misconceptions farmers face daily.

The serious allegations that farmers can’t look good on the job are getting out of hand. So, I, a fashionable city gal who is level 401 on Hay Day and an avid Minecraft player, decided to prove to all the haters that farmers can be cute. Whether that’s out in the fields... or at the local hoedown... or on their horse named Yankee Doodle.

It was early Saturday morning when I set out with my chauffeur (my mum), my fashionforward harvest partner (bestie), and my personal farmhand (photographer). As we headed over the hills to brave the rural lands of the Wairarapa, my farmer alter ego began taking control.

Sweep your eyes overall me

If you want to be known as the absolute baddie who’s constantly serving in the sheep shed, blue overalls from Farmsource, paired with your favourite Red Band gumboots is the perfect outfit. The overall’s cheeky V-neckline will show off your beautiful farming cleavage or chest hair. It will be sure to bring all the farming boys or gals to the yard.

Kim Farmdashian

The Farm Source store manager recommended a purple wet-weather set, and I can see why because god damn! We looked sexy as fuck. The midrise pants give you a perfect bubble butt, while the jacket really snatches the waist in.

Hoedown Hottie

If you’re into the whole sexy park ranger aesthetic, look no further than a fur lined vest paired with a classic wide brimmed hat.

Perfect for showing off your huge farmer biceps on a crisp Autumn day. You could also wear this when you pull up to the local hoedown on your horse Seabiscuit, it’s an incredibly versatile outfit.

Stunning in Stubbies For all my farmers out there who love to serve with their good ol’ classic stubbies and gummies, PGG Wrightson’s is a great place to spend your next retail therapy trip. Take your pick from their vast colour range of stubbies (preferably hot pink) matched with any Swanndri jacket. Show off those glutes, farmers.

I sure showed mine off in my stubbies, and boy oh boy.

Everyone was jealous of how good I looked.

Top this outfit off with a straw hat and your best pair of gumboots, and you’re ready for an evening tractor ride around Old MacDonald’s farm.

Harvesting Heartthrobs

I was thoroughly disappointed about the lack of pitchforks in the previous two stores.

However, after stepping into Farmlands I was filled with joy. Pitchforks are a go-to accessory for any hot farm fit — and we have pictures to prove it.

Whether it’s Summer or Winter, Farmlands has you covered with their range of seasonal pink overalls.

Layer them with a plaid shirt tied around your waist or under your overalls, and you’ll have a seed planted in your field in no time. My harvest partner and I were fighting off a herd of men lusting after us when modelling these outfits. Luckily, we had our trusty pitchforks to ward them off.

lll

As we left the rural lands of the Wairarapa, I felt exhausted. It’s tough proving that farmers don’t have terrible style. But after today, they’ll no longer have to live under the harmful misconception that they aren’t fashion baddies.

Farmers — go ride your horses, dig some holes, watch the sunset in a field of wheat, and build some fences in fashion.

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WORDS BY KIRA CARRINGTON A SHE/HER

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ot all Massey students study agriculture, horticulture, or veterinary. But we’re all here because of it. It stands as the foundation that Massey is built on. We would not be here without the legacy of a few farmers in Palmy, and a racist prick who took all the credit.

But the college leader, one Geoffrey Peren, kept the ship steady for 30 years. He was the first professor of agriculture at Vic and went on to become the first principle of Massey. He laid the foundations for the uni we all know and love (sometimes) today.

It started in the early 1900s, when a political movement arose from the National Farmers’ Union to start an agricultural school in the North Island. The country was economically reliant on farming and the courses at Canterbury’s Lincoln University specialised in only sheep farming. And with most farmers having no formal training at the time, the Farmers’ Union was pushing for someone to step up — but this wasn’t Massey at first.

In 1923, Victoria University founded their School of Agriculture. A year later, Auckland University founded one too. In 1927, partly due to legislation pushed

by Prime Minister William Massey, the two schools combined, became independent, and was renamed the Massey Agricultural College (MAC), because old white men love to name things after themselves.

I was proud to know that Massey enrollments have always been open to women, although the first woman didn't enroll until four years after the school opened. In 1941, Elsie Gertrude Thorpe became the first woman to graduate with a degree from Massey. Four years later Ella Campbell became the first female academic on staff.

In 1963, MAC combined with Palmerston North University College (a thing I find trouble believing existed) to become Massey University College of Manawatū. A year later we became an official university under the Massey University of Manawatū Act 1964.

As a Massey loyalist, I hate to admit that Vic and Auckland uni are our parents. But this is better than our namesake, William Massey, who doesn’t have the greatest legacy. Let's just say NZ's second-longest serving Prime Minister's time was marked by minority rule, violent unionbusting, and some very racist comments.

After being named after a racist PM, the new school was founded in Palmerston North. Palmy was chosen as the land around the town was good for cows, sheep, and crops, with an "animal husbandry emphasis", according to the Massey archives. The town wanted the college based in Palmy so much they bought the McHardy Tiritea homestead and gifted it to the new school.

The school had a bit of a rocky start opening in 1928, with 20 staff and 85 students, struggling to survive right at the beginning of the Great Depression.

Massey's student association was here almost from the very start, beginning in 1929, offering sports and cultural clubs. In 1930 they made the ram’s head their symbol. This ram would go on to feature in the Massey logo, become their mascot, and give sex advice to students in Massive.

When Massey became an official uni, it had 1,877 enrolled students. By 1993, when the Albany campus opened, the total student body had grown to over 24,000 – 15,000 of these being distance students. In 1999, Massey merged with Wellington Polytechnic to create what would become the College of Creative Arts and the Pukehau Campus.

Today, the university has around 27,000 students, three in person campuses, and five colleges with dozens of degrees to choose from.

Massey as it exists today could not be more different from how it started. But I can't help but feel grateful that a bunch of farmers and academics in Palmy started it all.

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WORDS BY AARIA HUNIA A SHE/HER NGĀTI AWA A NGĀTI RANGITIHI

CULTIVATING & CAPITALISING CORN HOW GENERATIONS OF MĀORI INCOME IS BEING THREATENED

If you’ve ever gone for a drive along the coast in Summer, you’ve probably spotted Māori farmers decorating the side of the road with beaten-up trucks and trailers overflowing with sweet corn.

These roadside sellers are a familiar sight for locals, and the goods they offer are consistently trusted to be of high quality. But as the years have gone by, the amount of corn being sold at the roadside has steadily decreased.

Each Summer, there appears to be one less seller than there was the year before. This is a troubling sign that more Māori are being forced to leave the livelihoods they have taken decades to establish. And in abandoning their way of life,

They advertise their produce with hand-painted

they are forced to slowly forget the teachings of

signs, humour their cousins as they haggle a bag

preserving and saving that have fed Māori for centuries.

of corn for $5 down to $3, and teach kids how seeds can be saved for next year.

ART BY KEELIN BELL A HE/HIM

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CULTIVATING & CAPITALISING CORN

Māori’s history in farming fruit and vegetables

But what happens when the product can’t be replanted?

stretches back to our ancestral roots in Hawaiki.

Early Māori developed special methods to preserve

The dangerous fluctuation of the world’s climate, the

kumara, hue (gourd), and kamokamo. In doing so,

cost of living, and the fickle nature of modern-day corn

they ensured that the plants could be grown into

seed have shaken the stability of roadside sellers. Early

future crops. When they first came to Aotearoa's

last year, Te Ao Māori News investigated the conditions

shores, they brought great stocks of root vegetables

that roadside produce sellers in the Bay of Plenty region

and seeds with them to last through harsher times when

experienced. When the head of Matata’s Produce Patch,

food was scarcer. Māori would continue to propagate

Briton Williams, was asked how his crops had been

food in this manner long after the first Pākehā settlers

affected by the weather, he said “I’m so disappointed

arrived. They would only adjust their methods to include

with my sweetcorn patch I want to set fire to it.”

the introduction of vegetables including maize corn.

In the Bay of Plenty region alone in 2023, production was reportedly down by 60% due to an overflow of

Maize corn was adopted quickly and avidly by

rain and a shortage of sunshine. Those that were

Māori, who would cultivate and preserve it similarly

able to muster the crops to drive out and set up

to their own introduced crops. This style of farming

shop had little produce and poorer quality overall.

has continued through centuries and is still common to this day, with Māori families teaching younger

To make matters worse for Māori farmers, supermarket

members how to save seeds for the next year.

chains quickly swooped in with their own corn. Currently, you can buy corn from the supermarket for anywhere

Today, corn is the most common vegetable grown

between $1.49 to $3.49 for a single cob. While this

and sold by rural Māori families, followed closely

price might not raise immediate red flags for the

by watermelon and kamokamo.

average buyer, just a few years ago Māori farmers were consistently selling their produce at $1 a cob for their highest price. More so, they would often compromise to lower prices for familiar customers.

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However, these prices are no longer sustainable

Many Māori farmers who attempt to maintain

for most independent farms, as farmers have had

the fair prices they have held for decades are forced

to switch from the centuries-old maize corn to the

out of the farming business entirely, while others are

more modern sweet corn. Unfortunately, this switch

forced to match market prices for vegetables that are

has rendered Māori methods of preserving seeds

often less than satisfactory. Already the number of

for the future utterly useless on a commercial scale.

vegetable farmers present at markets, such as those

Sweet corn gets its superior taste from controlled

in Auckland, is steadily dropping. Farmers from distant

hybridisation and genetic modification. Rest assured

towns used to drive in droves to sell at the Otara Flea

that the final product is both perfectly safe and

Market, but this year there were none to be seen.

delicious to eat, but the issue with it lies in the fact that it will not produce the same plant upon further

As Māori stalls slowly seem to disappear from the

replanting. Instead, the already inbred sweet corn

side of the road, I can’t help but worry that a greater

mutates even further, and often these mutations

loss of life is at stake. Every family that gives up on

result in either a poorer quality crop or little to no yield.

their farm leaves another generation robbed of lessons and methods that have fed Māori through centuries of

CropLife Australia, a branch of one of the world's

struggle. With conditions like these, the only thing that

largest agricultural trade associations, admitted

is properly cultivated is the inevitable destruction

that one of the only ways farmers could ensure

of community relations and Māori independence.

consistency within their crops would be to buy new seeds each year. This cost is steep on a good year. An ex-employee of the Whiritoa Gardens told Massive the farm spent approximately $22,000 per season on seeds alone for their 15 acres of farmland.

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SEXCAPADES ART BY BELLA MARESCA A THEY/THEM

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GOT A CONFESS IO A NAUGH N, TY TAKE, OR SEXY ST A ORY?

LOCKDOWN LOOKOUT UNLOCKED In 2020, me and my boyfriend were in lockdown separately. I was in my flat, he was at his parents’ house.

It was around the time when we weren’t allowed to see anyone who wasn’t in your household. He told his parents he was going for a ‘walk’, and I picked him up.

We ended up at what we thought was a secluded scenic lookout and began bumping uglies in the backseat.

A few moments later, we saw police sirens.

We thought it would be a good idea to keep quiet in the backseat since we fogged up the windows quite a lot.

To our horror, one policeman started knocking on the driver's window. I was desperately reaching for my pants, and another cop shone a torch inside the vehicle.

They seemed to disappear as we scrambled to get our clothes on and that's when we realised they were waiting for us in their car. We lied and said we lived together, and I could've died of humiliation as they were smugly filling out a report.

I ended up dropping my boyfriend off at his place only to get pulled over by ANOTHER cop. She had to step away from the vehicle to take a message from the previous cops. A few moments later, she comes back with the same awkward, smug look on her face as the last cops and lets us off with a warning.

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MASSIVE X RADIO CONTROL

RADIO CONTROL 99.4FM IS THE STUDENT RADIO NETWORK BASED ON THE MASSEY UNIVERSITY MANAWATŪ CAMPUS. THE STATION BRINGS YOU THE LATEST AND GREATEST IN LOCAL MUSIC AND ALTERNATIVE TUNES FROM AROUND THE WORLD ONLINE AND ON THE RADIO, HOSTED BY STUDENTS AND COMMUNITY MUSOS.

FARMING TUNES ST-PPO OST K NK PPUUN

Fouler – Stubbies

Te Papaioea / Pōneke SLOW CORE SYNTHWAVE

Khaki Department – Boogie Boarding

01. Persimmon – True Crime

02. Jaden Antonio –

LET YOUR HEART OUT

03. Fouler - Dean

04. Carb on Carb - 2009 05. G.L.N.C – 4

Beth Torrence –

Fool of Stars – 07. Sol 127

– ANIMALS

urau

a Tāmaki Mak

ALTROCK

HITPICK

06. Tiny Flowers

h Lesbian Deat ll Slutz From He G ING NIN RN Y EAR YEA

NZ TOP 10

GROOVY

GTKB – Country Bender

Te Papaioea / Pō

neke

08. Te KuraHuia – FEELING GOOD 09. Awning – Jester Poem

10. Car Crash Emy –

blood for the martyrs

LISTEN HERE

24 CONTROL d OUT OF CONTROL MASSIVE d OUT OF CONTROL d OUTAOF

d

ART BY JESS SKUDDER A SHE/HER

04 A COLUMNS A TĪWAE

Q. HEY FERGIE BABY. THE GUY I’M HOOKING

UP WITH WANTS TO TRY FARM ROLE PLAY (HE’S THE FARMER AND I’M A SHEEP) BUT I’M NOT SO SURE… IT’S GIVING BESTIALITY VIBES.

A. I love it when you call me baby.

But to answer your question, this guy is gross.

My farmer is an ugly old man who probably has saggy balls — who would want to role play that!

I’m into a lot of things, but bestiality is a level I won’t go to. I strictly fuck sheep, sometimes cows, on occasion ponies, and I’m always down to ram a border collie when I’m feeling submissive.

Farmers give me the ick. They are always so conservative with their fashion choices.

They wear so much camo, sometimes I can’t even see them. The loose sweatpants and gumboots combo has no sexual flare. The most skin you’ll catch is some

thigh if they wear stubbies. But underneath all the layers, it’s not a pretty sight. I once caught my farmer bending over to fill up a water trough and his ass crack was out. It was very dark and hairy. My consistent sex dreams were replaced by nightmares that night.

If this guy wants to roleplay, suggest a sexy teacher, cop, flatmate, or just roleplay as me.

I read on the Massey Confessions Facebook last week that someone wanted their boyfriend to cosplay as me in bed. I’m not surprised. Your boyfriend will never match my abilities, but put him in a furry suit, use your imagination, and just the thought of fucking me will make you cum. Make sure he adds in some roaring baa’s when he edges to make it realistic.

FERGUS THE RAM IS MASSEY UNIVERSITY'S LONG-TIME MASCOT. HE IS ALSO A SEX GOD, ALPHA RAM AND HORNED UP FUCKBOY. GOT A QUESTION FOR FERGUS? GO TO MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ MASSIVE

25 A

FARMING

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

You're not overthinking it. Your friend’s comment was condescending.

Pull them up on it or it will keep happening.

Someone from your past is going to show up this week and you definitely don't want that. Avoid walking on the left side of the street. Your loyalty is great, but they don’t deserve a second chance.

Stop. Buying. Plants. Your room already looks like a greenhouse.

There’s no space left for anything else. You’ve bought so many you are forgetting to water them. Your plant children are dying, Gemini.

LIBRA Only four months into the year and you’ve already given up on meal prep, huh Libra? Unearth that dusty meal planner.

A 26

SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS Friends-to-lovers is great, but the hinge match-tofriends is an underappreciated pipeline. Go have fun.

Not everything needs to be about romance, you sap.

MASSIVE

You’ve been avoiding a phone call for too long, Sagittarius.

I know calling to book an appointment isn’t fun, but this is getting ridiculous. Book that appointment, and you can get yourself a treat after.

05 A HOROSCOPES A

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

I would’ve said now isn’t the best time to buy more crystals, but in saying that… The person in your life who has been pissing you off could use a good knock around the head with a large rock. Buy all the crystals.

Avoid going to any parties this week. If you don’t, you’re going to run into your favourite ex fling, and you won’t be able to resist. Have a stay-at-home movie night with your friends instead.

Buy a spray bottle this week. Your friend is about to make some bad decisions, and you need to spray them with water.

They’ll thank you for it... eventually.

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

Time to get a new haircut.

You’re stuck in the same old routine, it’s about time you spice things up! Chop it all off, dye it, get a fuck-ass bob, a sneaky wolf cut, a mullet — anything! Make a change, and the rest of your life will follow.

Bed-rotting isn’t doing you any good. Go on your phone settings and put social media on a time limit. It’ll help you get out of the doom scrolling and into the shower.

Someone is thinking about you a lot this week, Pisces. You're living in their head rent free. You’ll stay there if you keep doing what you’re doing.

MASSIVE

27 A

DITCH FARMING

RIDDLE.

SUDOKU.

I RUN ALONG A FIELD, PADDOCK, OR PASTURE. YET I NEVER MOVE. WHAT AM I?

WORD OF THE WEEK.

PĀMU FARM

CNA OHNS T UB B I E S X CHS CN G MI P L A N T I N G T F U MR I WJ L D U P Z S S C J E K V K MC X C D S V P C F MY V OE MMK P R P Y S L F N Y B Y K I B I F T WV J G Y Z A F H MF G M U MB H O H Q N WF K B D F N C E O P B D I MP L OU F V V P Y GC Y I U D Y E C C D N K G T V X K WE U G C I C Y N R MT J F A T P S B QE S T D A OA P T C B D J C A U O WT J Y Z K A D C WC J P K Z K E J NF L S K I A GX B K F B CP F GA T E P I X R V P GB A F A UOOD C L Y D E S D A L E A E P T C O WJ I Y L X D U Z H C H GP B J MJ L C Y OX L S N P F MD K V Z T L D S F D OF QR K I L QC V OB J N R Z QC X B C X MOE Z V H GV V F MX OH B A P D C F X A H B U C K E T X D U G P A U WL D P E WV T S QHE R DI NGHS HE E P F J E T B O R D E R C O L L I E WR J U P B N D

A 28

WORDFIND.

STUBBIES CLYDESDALE COW SHEEP BORDERCOLLIE SHED GUMBOOTS

MASSIVE

COWBOY HERDING PLANTING FEED BUCKET GATE

H IT!

06 A PUZZLES A PANGA

1

2 3

4

5

6 7

8

9 10

11

12 13

14

15

16

17 18

19

20

21

22

CROSSWORD.

ACROSS

3. Recent American 15. Country that is music festival (9) also a movie title (10) 6. Thing on a farm that can 18. New Zealand give you an electric shock (5) documentary TV series 7. Sabrina Carpenter’s that highlights rural life (7,8) new single title (8) 19. Synonym for farming (11) 11. 2011 sandbox 20. Actor who voices Po videogame (9) in Kung Fu Panda (4,5) 12. Print used on 21. What animal does hunting clothing (10) wool come from? (21) 13. Group of cows (4)

DOWN

1. Horse riding pants (8) 2. 1995 film about a pig (4) 4. A semi-rural property comprising a house and land for small-scale farming (9,5) 5. “Old ______ had a farm” (9) 8. R&B Singer who performed in Auckland recently (3) 9. New Zealand region where iwi Ngāti Maniapoto originates (4,7) 10. Previous Massive issue theme (7)

14. Eddie Murphy film character (2,8) 16. Area of space that is 4050 square metres (4) 17. Grass that has been cut, dried and stored (3) 18. Otago University student magazine (6) 22. A horse that is under 14.2 hands high (4)

FIND ALL PUZZLE ANSWERS ON MASSIVEMAGAZINE.ORG.NZ MASSIVE

29 A

FARMING

A 30

MASSIVE

EDITOR IN CHIEF SAMMY CARTER

HEAD OF DESIGN BELLA MARESCA

SHE/HER

TE AO MĀORI EDITOR AARIA HUNIA

SUB-EDITOR NATALYA NEWMAN

NGĀTI AWA, NGĀTI RANGITIHI SHE/HER

MANAWATŪ REPORTER ELIZABETH MOISSON SHE/HER

STAFF WRITER AIDEN WILSON THEY/THEM

THEY/THEM

TE AO MĀORI ILLUSTRATOR KEELIN BELL NGĀTI MANIAPOTO, NGĀTI POROU, NGĀPUHI HE/HIM

THEY/SHE

ŌTEHĀ REPORTER YESENIA PINEDA SHE/THEY

STAFF WRITER JESSIE DAVIDSON SHE/HER

PĀMAMAO REPORTER CAITLIN BINGHAM

ILLUSTRATOR JESS SKUDDER

STAFF WRITER KIRA CARRINGTON

MASSIVE P*SSY POCKET

SHE/HER

SHE/HER

SPECIAL THANKS TO OUR COVER STAR AND THE FERGUS OF OUR DREAMS: MATTHEW CRAWFORD PHOTOGRAPHY BY BELLA MARESCA MASSIVE

SHE/HER

POCKET WOULD NOT PROVIDE PURRRNOUNS

31 A

FARMING

A 32

MASSIVE