Massive Magazine Albany Issue 12 2018

Est. 2012

Albany | October 2018 | 12

Jan Thomas vs. Don Brash – Massive Magazine breaks down all the scandal Fifty Shades of my existential Crisis A year in the life of a bachelorette

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E V I S S A M

Luca Rosseels

Editorial Hi everyone, This is the last issue of Massive Magazine for 2018 – it is also my last issue as Managing Editor of the magazine. The last two years have been a blast and I am proud of all the hard work our contributors, designers and illustrators have put into making the magazine what it is. At Massey we are so lucky to have such a talented bunch of students and it’s these students that are the heart and soul of this magazine.

We have worked hard to make sure this last issue for 2018 is jam packed full of fun things to read! The Unlonely Woman looks back at a year of dating and we also breakdown all the drama between Jan Thomas and Don Brash. We also have one of my favourite features of the year – Massive’s Kyle Smith watched the Fifty Shades trilogy with his parents, and you won’t believe what happened! Make sure to check it out.

I am excited to see what direction the magazine takes next year. Thanks so much for all your support over the last two years! You can keep up to date with Massive over the summer by visiting www.massivemagazine.co.nz.

Also, a huge thanks to Massive’s designer over the last year-and-a-half, Aria Tongs, who has done a wicked job with making the magazine look fantastic and being an all around great support to the team – I couldn’t have done this without you.

Thanks for a final time!

Nikki

facebook.com/massivemagazine @massivemagazine massivemagazine.org.nz

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Column

Features

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Jan Thomas vs. Don Brash Political Scandal 101 A Year in the life of a Bachelorette Fifty Shades of my existential crisis Kaibosh

Humour 13 36 46

New News Good Cop, Bad Cop Horoscoping you out

11 12 35 29 37 38 41 43

Pinch of Politics On the Line Unlonely woman Shower Thoughts Google vs. God Lit Fam or Shit Scam Booked in Cool Beans

Managing Editor: Nikki Papatsoumas editor@mawsa.org.nz

Media Manager: Sarah Grant-Wang 04 9793763 ext. 63763

Design/Layout: Aria Tongs massive@mawsa.org.nz

Albany Reporter: Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

Assistant Designer: Luca Rosseels assistantdesigner@mawsa.org.nz

Regulars

06 40 44 45

Contributors: Peri Miller Chris Glavovic Lydia Hill Christina Kirk Wilson Aria Tongs Kasharn Rao Leilani Baker Emma Rzepecky Natasha Tziakis Todd Murray

Local News Reviews Puzzles Hot or Not

Chantelle de Boer Zoe Jennings Kyle Smith Bella Cole Te Paea Hoori Ruth Bateson Rachel Moore

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local news

local news

Charity Coordinator Jackie Clarke wins Women of Influence Supreme Award Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz The Massey Sponsored Woman of Influence Awards that took place at Auckland’s SKYCITY Convention Centre in September, deemed charity founder Jackie Clarke as the supreme winner.

Earlier in the night, Clarke took out the Community/Not for Profit category, which made her eligible for the final award for overall achievement.

Following her win, Clarke told The AM Show it was amazing to take home the award.

“There was a lot of love in the room last night “I love these women. They are tattooed on my skin, and tattooed on my heart. That sounds really dramatic, but they are my life.”

Clarke’s charity ―The Aunties―is based in Auckland, where her role is to help woman affected by domestic violence.

Domestic violence can leave women and their families in vulnerable positions financially, which is where Clarke’s Aunties come to help with exactly what the women require, from material things to Clarke’s listening ear.

Clarke focuses on creating a supportive community through her work and differs from other charities by keeping the donors (the Aunties) and the recipients anonymous to each other.

Being a charity, Clarke is not paid for her work with the Aunties, so a Givealittle page has been created to help generate regular payments of $2000 a month.

Following her win, Clarke remained extremely well humoured and humbled, writing on The Aunties’ website, “I won the Supreme High Goddess Grand PooBah award. Oh sorry, the Supreme Award”.

“It was [all] fabulous because what it was an acknowledgement of the women I work with. That they deserve love. They deserve to be heard, believed, cared for, [and] supported.”

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Event Weeks See Out Semester Two Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz Peace, Chinese Language, and Mental Health Week have occupied what is left of semester two, seeing small events and displays pop up around the Albany campus.

Peace Week took place from September 17 to 21, a week Massey coordinates around the UN’s annual International Day of Peace.

Throughout the week, students were invited to make paper doves and place them on a fairy light peace tree in the ASA lounge.

The purpose of this activity was for people to write messages of peace on their doves, the result being a collection of hopeful, thought provoking notes written on symbols of peace.

These included lyrics from John Lennon’s Imagine, and Neil from The Young Ones infamous quote vegetable rights and peace.

There was also the return of the “skin tone” chairs to the main lawn, which are representative of races sitting together and finding common ground despite their differences.

Chinese Language Week came to campus on September 24 to 29, the highlight being Wednesday’s Mid-Autumn festival that graced the quad with free food, vibrant decorations and traditional music.

The food line-up included moon cakes, a bakery item that is traditionally eaten during the festival in China and are usually decorated with traditional Chinese characters and patterns.

The free dumplings were polished off by eager students within the first fifteen minutes of the event.

Banners with Chinese phrases were also up around campus and included spelt-out ways of pronouncing the words in English.

Finally, Mental Health Awareness week will come to campus during week 11, from October 8 to 12.

While it is currently unconfirmed what the events for this week will be, there will be stickers and posters throughout campus from the Mental Health Foundation.

Phil Goff ’s Homeless Count Complete

Mackenzie Dyer albanyreporter@mawsa.org.nz

On September 17 hundreds of volunteers counted Auckland’s homeless between 9.30pm and 12.30am, completing a snapshot survey that was announced by Auckland Mayor Phil Goff earlier this year.

According to Our Auckland, the survey extensively covered the Auckland region, from Wellsford down to Waiuku, and Piha across to Hunua Ranges in the east.

In his announcement, Goff said there is little data on the size and nature of chronic homelessness across Auckland, which is why Auckland’s Homeless Count is so critical.

“Our goal is to end homelessness, not just manage it. To do that we need robust data informing policy and services. This count will significantly improve our understanding of the shape and scale of homelessness in Auckland.”

The count was conducted by Housing First Auckland, a collective committed to ending homelessness who provide ongoing support for people trying to get off the street to better their chances at

remaining in permanent housing.

The collective’s Project Manager Fiona Hamilton said measuring the extent of homelessness is essential to ending it.

“When data is used to inform service delivery and national policy-making, we can have the most significant impact.”

Those counted were categorised as people living without shelter on the street, or sleeping in their vehicles, and were recorded by volunteers in an APP. The accuracy of the count was ensured by the volunteers asking people about their living situation, to distinguish Auckland’s homeless from tourists and others who were not consistently sleeping rough.

Prior to the survey, City Mission chief executive Chris Farrelly said he assured Auckland’s rough sleepers that they would be treated with “respect” and “heart” during the count.

The results will be released on October 10.

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Period. comes to Palmy Fringe Festival

Bethany Reitsma manawatureporter@mawsa.org.nz

ws national ne

Students have a once in a lifetime chance to experience WWI Rachel Moore

The Quinn’s Post Trenches experience is open for visitors at the Great War Exhibition.

Period. is coming to Palmerston North for Fringe Festival in October.

Former Massey student Amy Atkins is breaking taboos through theatre.

Atkins is the founder of Ephemeral Theatre Company in Wellington and has been part of Centrepoint Theatre’s youth development centre The Basement Company.

Her newest production, Period. is coming to the Palmerston North Fringe Festival this October. The show is about period positivity.

Atkins says she had wanted to create a feminist show for some time and felt inspired after attending the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland while travelling in 2017.

“A huge portion of those shows were heavily feminist. In a way, I felt like they gave me permission to create a feminist show.”

All the scripting for the show is by Atkins herself, who says she’s had several mentors along the way as well as feedback from peers.

“I’ve had a lot of mentorship, but the concept, execution and scripting came from me.”

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It’s a solo show, with just Amy and a stage technician. She created audio recordings for the show herself, with music by a composer friend.

“What I want is for people to feel like they have a new way of talking about menstruation.”

“It’s heavy stuff for New Zealand, shockingly.”

Atkins says she wants the audience to leave with open minds.

“It’s about breaking that shaming cycle.”

“It seems like audiences are keen to make it a mother-daughter night out, which is amazing.”

“Of course, it’s not just for girls, everyone is welcome.”

“We’ve made it very kid-friendly, our main character Karla is 11,” says Atkins. “It’s also culturally and religiously friendly.”

The show opens the second week of the Palmerston North Fringe Festival and is suitable for children 9 and above.

The show is on for two nights only at The Dark Room on the 11th and 12th of October at 6pm. Tickets are available on the Centrepoint Theatre website and door sales will be welcome.

As visitors weave through dark, claustrophobic tunnels as part of The Great War Exhibition’s newest experience, they will smell the stench of dirty socks, rotting bodies and gunpowder.

The Quinn’s Post Trenches experience opened in April and offers visitors a unique opportunity to see, hear and even smell what it was like to be a soldier in Gallipoli’s trenches.

Massey students now have a once in a lifetime opportunity to volunteer, guiding visitors through the state-of-the-art experience.

In December, Peter Jackson’s exhibition will close its doors after Massey University announced it would reclaim the Museum Building which house’s the exhibition, for its College of Create Arts.

The charitable trust, which runs the exhibition, is now calling on the public to help support them over the coming months.

Quinn’s Post was one of the most dangerous places in Gallipoli during World War I, with Turkish trenches only metres away.

However, it became a stronghold under the guidance of Lieutenant Colonel William Malone, the commander of the Wellington Battalion, where New Zealand soldiers spent nine months living in rough conditions.

As part of the experience an old Victorian theatrical trick called Pepper’s Ghost - an optical illusion that uses glass to project images - works together with sophisticated technology that replicates the trenches, dugouts and tunnels, with living, talking, ghost soldiers.

These soldiers explain their experiences and guide the audi-

ence through the trenches, as if they were there.

More than 50 speakers and 38 amplifiers are located throughout the trenches to ensure that visitors feel completely immersed in the environment.

Visitors even have the opportunity to smell what it would have been like to live in trenches thanks to advanced technology.

HR, Health and Safety Manager Giuliano Serrao says there are 15 vacancies for volunteers and they need students to who are eager to offer up a few hours of their time each week.

“It’s a chance to gain some work experience, it’s quite an enjoyable environment. We are all movie and history nerds here… it’s all bombs and battles.”

He said it could appeal to all students, not just for those with a background in history.

“It’s a privilege [to work here] because it’s such a beautiful exhibition and so well out together and well received. It’s an asset to Wellington and New Zealand” He enjoys getting students involved, as they bring energy and fun to the exhibition.

“The younger generation is more energetic and I think it’s also nice for our visitors because we cater to an older demographic and they enjoy young people getting involved in this” Serrao says the Quinn’s Post Trench Experience is proving very popular, with most sessions sold out daily.

Students interested in volunteering can contact Giuliano on giuliano.serrao@greatwarexhibition.nz

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COLUMN Massive is the student magazine for all Massey University students.

This year we need even more student contributors to fill our pages. If you would like to contribute in any form, please do get in touch.

We’re keen as.

we want you* editor@mawsa.org.nz massive@mawsa.org.nz

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*Well, Pocket specifically.

We only semi need you.

In the nicest way possible.

Join Massive’s Natasha Tziakis as she dissects New Zealand politics and offers her sharp and savvy opinion in this fortnightly column.

Kia ora guys, welcome to the last issue of Pinch of Politics for 2018. This year I have explored scandals, government happenings, and exactly how much of a mess David Seymour looks in sequins.

Often, us millennials feel left out of political discussions as we aren’t kids anymore. A lot of us don’t own our own homes and we are nowhere near retirement, so we grow disgruntled and eventually disengage. Pinch of Politics is my small attempt at trying to reverse these feelings and make political discussion on Massey campuses worthwhile again, so thank you for reading.

Someone who is an advocate for the student voice is our Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, and she has recently been in the United States for the United Nations General Assembly.

Ardern has stated multiple times in her speeches that young adults’ voices need to be heard and acted upon as we are the leaders of tomorrow.

While Ardern stays true to these sentiments, she is also is developing a new fan base within the political field due to her advocacy for gender equality and ending child poverty in New Zealand. She is also making headlines as her daughter Neve was present during the assembly as Ardern is still breast-feeding.

Child poverty in New Zealand is deeply relevant to this year’s UN General Assembly because “to meet the United Nations’ Sustainable

Development Goal target, New Zealand must achieve at least a 50 per cent reduction from 2015 levels in all indicators of income poverty by 2030”. In 2016, 27 per cent of children aged from infancy to 17 years old were living in homes that, after housing costs, were below 60 per cent of the contemporary median income.

This is around 290,000 children and young people. We are getting closer and closer to 2030 and we are yet to see the 50 per cent decrease in all indicators of poverty, which includes child poverty.

Although we are yet to see significantly decreasing numbers, we still are in the first year of this Labour-led coalition government, meaning that there is still two years left in Ardern’s term as well as the chance of her or Labour being re-elected for the next three-year term.

Having Neve, Ardern’s daughter, at the UN General Assembly serves as a visual reminder that Ardern has a vested interest in the New Zealand in which her child, and other children of the same generation, will grow up in.

Hopefully the levels of poverty in New Zealand, especially levels of child poverty, start to decrease over the coming years for the future of our country. But, also for the fact that decreasing poverty was one of Labour’s big policies and they will face major backlash if they do not deliver on their promise.

Again, thank you taking the time out of your day to read Pinch of Politics. It means far more to me than you ever could know.

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COLUMN

SATIRE

ON THE LINE Writer: Leilani Baker

Writer: Chris Glavovic

This fortnightly column stays true to its name by discussing all things sports including controversies on and off the field. Whether you enjoy a casual brew whilst watching the rugby, or your inner demon emerges when the football comes on, this column is dedicated to you, the sport-lovers of Massey.

Supporter Profiles For the last issue of Massive of the year I thought we’d do something a little different. Rather than talk about sports controversies, let’s look at the different breeds of sport supporters. Whether you’re known to pull a Serena Williams (ooh too soon) or you’re a suffer in silence type, being a supporter is no easy feat. Which one are you?

1. The Proud Dad This sports supporter will always be front row at a live game giving love to all the players.

They’re a diehard win or lose fan that always shows up in team colours. Proabably suffering from an injury they really just wish it was them on the field. The Proud Dad will sing hand on heart every national anthem, and never misses a game. If The Proud Dad has any connection with a player, for example “Beauden Barette and I shop at the same grocery store” you won’t hear the end of it.

Strengths: Loyal. Good sporting companion.

Weakness: A little overbearing.

Verdict: These supporters have achieved sport fan zen. We envy their fan collection and get tired of hearing the same stories, but they’re a valuable member of the crew.

2. The ‘have a snickers’ There’s always one in the group. This supporter will yell and curse about everything. Most likely to flip the board when playing Monopoly, The ‘have a snickers’ is super competitive. A bad call from the referee or a terrible play sends this supporter on a rampage. Best to stay out of their way and let them do their thing.

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Strengths: Game Knowledge. Entertaining.

Weaknesses: Buzz kill. Gets kicked out of everything.

Verdict: As much as you try to host a get together without them, they always seem to turn up. But when they get ‘too invovled’ just pretend you don’t know them.

3. The Bandwagon fans These fans will support whatever team is the most popular at the time. But as soon as that team is no longer hot, they mysteriously fall quiet. They’ll come to each game in a neutral shirt claiming the team that wins is ‘their team!’ The Bandwagon Fans are easily persuaded by other supporters and won’t join any bet.

Strengths: Provides good snacks. Passionate.

Weaknesses: Unreliable. Poor game knowledge. Fear commitment.

Verdict: Although they are unreliable and usually late to the game, they’re fun to mess with and don’t do any harm.

4. The Couch Coach These fans think they know everything.

When the ‘qualified’ coach brings on a player they’ll shake the fists at the telly saying (insert name) was a much better option. You’ve got to give them credit- they’re super dedicated and at times they know their stuff, but their communications degree doesn’t quite come in handy with their sporting tips. Another species who are best left alone.

Strengths: Great game knowledge.

Committed.

Weaknesses: Sulks easily. Big ego.

technology

Verdict: They’re great to have around if you’re looking to learn more about the game, but they can get annoying. Best to sit them next to The Rookie- they’ll hit it off.

5. The Secret Master This supporter may not look like much. They often sit there quietly mocking the more vocal fans in the crew. But occasionally they’ll whip out a call surprising everyone.

They’re the ultimate fan because they don’t flaunt anything. They’re easily satisfied and just enjoy a good game.

Strengths: Perfect for quiz nights- the sports round is theirs for the taking.

Weaknesses: They always play it safe. Don’t partake in bets.

Verdict: These are the ones you want to keep close. They’re not always the most fun or entertaining, but they’re easily pleased.

6. The Rookie They refuse to admit it, but they know nothing. They’ll add a “yeah” to anything anyone else says. They’ll come to games to get pics with the crew and will be more pumped about being at the game than actually watching the game. They’re a great pair for The Couch Coach who could teach them a thing or two.

Strenghths: Cheering loudly. Taking photos.

Weaknesses: Knowing when to cheer. Easily distracted.

Verdict: Despite not knowing much, games night wouldn’t be the same without them.

Time for some tech talk. Universal tech talk. You know, things everyone can understand. We are going to deposit kilobytes of information straight from this page to your memory — prepare. The first paragraph will be presented in binary code, the second will be in Morse Code, and the third will be an update provided at a later date. Technology rules the world now, and it appears its reach and prevalence will only continue to expand. The gap between the younger and older generations is becoming more and more apparent, partly due to the popularity of technology. I guess what we have to decide is whether or not we keep the older generation around, or simply replace them with machines that complain to the manager and drive awfully. At The New News we believe that although it is important to understand and adapt as technology develops, the most important thing to remember is that true connections between people are face to face and in the flesh.

Tinder is great, but nothing quite beats spending weeks summoning the courage to ask that cute girl out just to be rejected in front of the whole class after you do a cool dab or something. Right?

01101100 01101001 01100111 01101101 01100001 0001010. And now for something slightly different we move onto Facebook. Quick fact, Facebook was founded in 2004. Crazy, huh?

That was literally like three years ago.

Seems like time has flown. Anyway, most people will admit that they spend too much time scrolling through their newsfeeds. I mean, pictures of dogs, other people getting engaged, the few people that still rant about minor things, what is not to love? Well, I'll

tell you. Facebook monitors everything you do. Everything. Ever talked about something arbitrary, just to have it pop up in an advertisement moments later?

I have. In their latest press conference, Facebook announced that they were planning ways to incentivise time spent on Facebook. Just in case people didn't already procrastinate enough, Facebook detailed the ways in which they were trying to captivate scrollers for longer.

Soon, Facebook will be releasing a rewards/achievements system in which Facebookers are publicly rewarded for time spent on Facebook. In addition to unlocking additional Facebook content, people will receive badges and cool emojis that they can impress their friends with for all their time well spent on Facebook. Apparently, Facebook is also looking to eventually monetise their achievements/rewards system. Teaming up with PayPal means that Facebook will soon be able to directly deposit money into the bank accounts of people who spend the most time on Facebook.

Fortnite. Just saying it sends shivers down most adolescent spines. When you thought it couldn't get any more ridiculous, it reared its head—uglier than before. The latest Fortnite release has people seriously worried. Fortnite's designer, Darren Sugg, is looking to take the virtual battlefield, and make it a reality—a real-life Battle Royale.

The initial popularity of the video game has encouraged Sugg to push the boundaries. In an interview with The New News, Sugg explained, "Fortnite has just taken off. I mean, I am making bank. However, the player base is getting restless. I don't have much more up my sleeve, I can't change the game too much for fear of rejection, however,

this next idea is really cool. Basically, I am going to host a tournament, an actual Battle Royale. Participants will be dropped onto a remote island and will battle it out until we have a victor.

Simple, yet effective. The prize, you ask? Well, let's just say that they will be rewarded with plenty of in-game merch that is completely not available for purchase. Everyone will think you look so cool. Totes worth." Naturally, we were concerned that his intentions were to hold an actual Battle Royale competition, so we probed deeper.

"Yeah, it'll be a legit Battle Royale.

There will be weaponry placed around the island and people will not be able to leave the island until the competition is over. Yeah, it is edgy, but hey, it has received so much popularity.

Additionally, you wouldn't believe how many people are willing to throw themselves into a death match to win in game merch. Most of the applicants were teenage boys, however, we have implemented an 18+ age restriction. I think it'll be a great success."

See, technology news can be fun! The thing is, whether you like it or not, technology permeates everything in society. We are surrounded, and the future looks to contain more and more advanced technologies. Maybe it isn't the DeLorean from Back to the Future, but it is sure to be just as cool. *The New News analyses the most critical issues of modern society. Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "it is important to read The New News because it'll make you smart—or something..." Keeping with tradition, we inform our readers on a wide range of topics including religion, politics, and ingrown toenails.

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Jan Thomas vs.

Don Brash Writer: Massive Staff Reporters

Massey University has hit headlines over the last two months – not for being a forward thinking, free speaking university – but for something quite the opposite.

Earlier this year Massey University Vice Chancellor Jan Thomas cancelled a student-led event which was set to feature a speech from former politician Don Brash.

When the Massey Manawatū Politics Society’s event was cancelled in August, Thomas said it was safety reasons that led her to cancel the event after reports claimed there had been threats of violence if the event was to have gone forward.

However, fast forward a month and emails released to right wing blogger David Farrar in September paint a very different picture.

These emails show Thomas’ real concerns around having Brash speak on Massey’s Manawatū campus to have been she did not want the university to be seen to be endorsing “racist behaviours”.

“I do not want a te tiriti led university be seen to

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be endorsing racist behaviours,” an email from Thomas said. “… Racist behaviour of Brash –given te reo is an official language of NZ and we are a tiriti led university –can’t be ignored,” she went on to say in further emails.

The emails went on to say: “… do we have any mechanisms that might be able to be used here? The financial agreements with clubs and societies and associations? Use of facilities policy? How do the Māori community feel about this might be good to know too? What is the full politics club schedule?”

Since Thomas’ emails were released there has been pressure from politicians, staff and students for her to step down from her role, with some saying she not only misled Massey University but the public as well. It’s a debate that has caused ripples right across Massey’s three campuses.

Massive Magazine is here to break down all the drama for you.

MASSIVE

Jan Thomas Despite mounting pressure Thomas has confirmed she will not be resigning from her role.

Thomas made the announcement in front of more than 50 staff and students at a forum held on Massey's Wellington campus last month.

"Everyone's entitled to their views and my response is that I don't intend to resign.”

Brash has since been invited back to speak at Massey on October 17 and Thomas said while she was still concerned about student safety, she did not intend to step in.

"The politics club has re-invited him back...I don't know when that is going to occur... I don't know if has accepted or not, I assume he will.

“I didn’t ban him before, I haven’t stopped that happening and don’t intend to. It’s not for me to allow anybody,” she said.

Massey students’ associations said they were most concerned about what the emails revealed regarding the use of Student Services Levy, a compulsory fee all students pay to the university.

In emails, Thomas is seen to repeatedly ask whether funding can be cut to associations and clubs as a means of control.

At last month’s forum, Thomas apologised for any emails which suggested student funding could be on the chopping block.

“With absolute certainty the student voice and the independence of student voice is absolutely critical.

I am really sorry that this has arisen, and you have seen those exchanges,” she said at the forum.

“As part of my decision making I try to explore every opportunity but at no stage was I going to, for example, cut funding.”

Don Brash Don Brash told Massive Magazine that he suspected there was more to the cancellation than just security concerns.

Massive spoke to the former National Party leader after Thomas’ emails were released and Brash said the emails showed her original reason for cancelling his appearance on campus “grossly misleading”.

"She said she had cancelled the event because of security concerns, yet she admitted on the day the ban was announced that she had made the decision without consulting either university security staff or the police.

"Moreover, her press statement at the time spent more space citing my alleged support for the two Canadian visitors and my involvement in arguing for treating all New Zealanders equally, regardless of ancestry, than it did describing any imagined security issue.

“In view of her grossly misleading statements, and the extent which she seemed willing to go to in order to pressure the Politics Club to stop my speech, her position as Vice Chancellor has really become quite untenable.”

"...her position as Vice chancellor has really become quite untenable."

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Massey Manawatu Politics Society The Massey Manawatū Politics Society spokesman Michael Curtis agrees that emails prove the VC wasn’t just concerned about security.

“This definitely proves our suspicion that there was a conspiracy to shut it down from the start.”

Curtis says recent events show that the free speech debate is gaining traction in New Zealand, following suit from universities in America and Europe.

“It’s 2018, and we’ve seen so much going on overseas in regard to freedom of speech at universities, debates being shut down because of ideological issues, and that seems to be happening here now too.”

Curtis says the VC’s suggestion of using funding to put pressure on clubs is “terrifying”.

“We’re currently trying to get affiliated with MUSA so that we can get funding for events, but if this is the kind of precedent the VC wants to set, we might as well not bother.”

In response to whether he thinks Thomas should resign, he says that decision should be left to the University Council.

“Her actions have frustrated us, but we’re a student club and that’s a call for the university itself to make,” says Curtis.

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MUSAF Massey’s student associations on the Albany, Manawatū and Wellington campuses have been amongst those to express disappointment at the content of Thomas’ emails.

In a statement released by Massey University Students’ Association Federation (MUSAF) – the overarching group made up off all Massey’s students’ associations – student leaders said they were most concerned about what the emails revealed regarding the use of Student Services Levy, a compulsory fee all students pay to the university.

“There is repeated questioning in the copies of your released emails as to whether funding to clubs and societies and/or to the student associations can be restricted as a means of control.

“We are incredibly concerned by the apparent bad faith displayed in the emails regarding the oversight and use of the Student Service Levy, a compulsory fee collected by the university from all students.”

"This definitely proves our suspicion that there was a conspiracy to shut it down from the start."

MASSIVE

NZUSA The New Zealand Union of Students’ Associations (NZUSA) say they are outraged, especially as emails reveal Thomas was threatening to cut funding to students’ association.

NZUSA President Jonathan Gee says students should be able to have robust debate on campus with people they disagree with, including university leaders.

“But to consider cutting funding to a group that disagrees with your actions is just foul play.

Gee says that these tactics have stemmed from Voluntary Student Membership, where tertiary institutions’ management now hold all the cards.

Voluntary Student Membership (VSM) was passed

by Parliament through the Education (Freedom of Association) Amendment Bill in 2011, despite strong opposition.

Since VSM, students’ associations have had to negotiate their core funding with their tertiary institutions, as opposed to receiving levies from students directly. The revenues of students’ associations have since reduced dramatically, some by over half since 2011.

“Students’ associations have for too long been silenced from criticising our institutions for fear of ‘biting the hand that feeds us.

“These emails from the Vice-Chancellor are the purest example of the silencing effect that Voluntary Student Membership has had on student voice.”

What next?

Thomas has insisted she won’t be resigning, but it will now be up to the Massey University Council to decide whether Thomas keeps her job.

The council is the governing body of the university and it is its job to elect and fire Vice Chancellors.

To read more about the scandal, head to www. massivemagazine.org.nz

"But to consider cutting funding to a group that disagrees with your actions is just foul play."

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MASSIVE

feature

Ma‘‘iffi Magazine 30 SEP 2018

Political Scandal 101

By NATASHA TZIAKIS

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Political scandals, both national and international, seem to be the biggest breaking stories in New Zealand media. These stories saturate our 6pm headlines and tend to captivate an audience right across the country. A scandal is defined as ‘an action or event regarded as morally or legally wrong and causing general public outrage’. This definition could also be shortened to ‘negative public reaction to misconduct’ for the sake of our argument. Some of New Zealand’s most infamous political scandals of late include John Key’s ponytail pulling, the sexual assault at a recent Labour Youth Camp, and Nicky Hager’s book ‘Dirty Politics’ which exposed the likes of Judith Collins and her tendency to release information to bloggers to help in discrediting the opposition. These scandals have become synonymous with how positions of power and influence can be abused and used by those to get their own way, no matter who they hurt physically or emotionally.

How the media covers scandals is also an incredibly important facet in unpacking how these scandals are received by everyday kiwis. Media coverage is a huge, if not the biggest, influence on whether something is going to matter to your average joe or not.

For example, John Key’s ponytail pulling, although incredibly creepy, may not have blown up the way it did if the media coverage of it was structured differently. Most media companies tried to offer a balanced reporting of ponytail-gate by having the victim, on-lookers, and John Key and his team all speak on the issue. This meant the general public had more information in which they could develop their opinions upon. But, what 18 if the media companies were very one-

sided? Or just brushed it under the carpet? What would have happened to the public reaction? This leads into the question of whether our own reactions to political scandals are authentic and individual or curated and tailored? News companies all have their own agendas and although reporting on news is (hopefully) as unbiased as it can be, there is still the unconscious biases that the journalist must combat, after all they are only human. Taking this idea of unconscious bias when covering political scandals, there is a positive to come out of it. Due to so many different journalists and media companies reporting on a breaking political scandal story, the truth will lie somewhere within all that coverage, waiting to be pieced together. The problem with consuming mass amounts of different media which may or may not violate our ideological echo chambers, is that it’s tiring. It is so tiring to try and make sure that you are staying up-to-date as well as challenging your world-view when following political scandals. Most of the time it’s easier to read one or two news stories and then just bitch about how corrupt the government is. Most of us are studying degrees and working part-time jobs to make sure we survive the university life and to try stop ourselves completely drowning in student debt. A lot of us just purely do not have the time or mental energy to sit for one night and research different perspectives and make sure all the facts are lining up with each other. Which brings us to one of the last steps of media coverage on political scandals and how it shapes our views on the politicians in question: public traction and word of mouth. How many times have you been hit by someone saying, “have you heard what that politician did” or, “do you think they’re telling the truth”. There is only so much media coverage and media framing news can do to influence how people are going to react to things, after that, it’s

up to them to decide how they feel.

It seems that people react the way they do to political scandals because of things like age, individual media consumption, the perceived severity of the scandal, and what the person’s core moral values are. This is why you’ll often see left-wing or rightwing identifying people coming out and speaking against the opposition because of how all those elements mix and show themselves in any one person. Since most of us like to fit into like-minded groups, we start to move as ‘political packs’. There seems to be a reclamation of individual political opinions due to the rise in social media and the ability to create very personal and individualistic media that echoes your own political standpoint for others to consumer. It seems to be super prevalent in Instagram meme accounts with the hashtags of #kiwimemes or #nzmemes as they are quick and easily accessible ways for users to engage with your own opinions on whether Clare Curran should have recorded her minutes in her meeting or not. Digital word of mouth and media construction seem to be the two biggest influences in how political scandals in New Zealand are developing and received by the public and it’s quite interesting seeing what stories get picked up by kiwis and what ones they deem to be more unimportant.

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APPLY ONLINE: massey.ac.nz/masseyguides

International Moose Count Underway

By BOB O’BOBSTON

The UN-sponsored International Moose Census got off to a flying start today with hopes for an increase in the worldwide moose population compared to last year’s disapointing figures. Among the traditional early

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FEATURE

A year in the life of a bachelorette

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weekend. I dropped him off at the airport on Sunday and honestly, I had a great time, but he was going overseas for six weeks and it would not work at that time. However, funny story, Mr Shredded is staying at mine tonight because we kept in contact and he’s moved down to Wellington. Do I think anything will happen? Probably not. I just feel like cuddles in bed. I had a super intense orgasm the other night so I’m not really craving the dick tonight.

Bachelor number three

We live in a world where meeting your soul mate in the bar is no longer the go. We now live in a world where we simply swipe right or left on a phone depending on someone’s looks and bio. So many people say it’s superficial, but let’s be honest you’d only go up to someone in the pub if you were attracted to them so it’s really not that different.

I got into my first relationship in six years last year in October and in all honesty, it turned into an absolute cluster fuck to say the least. I feel like most people would not go back into dating after what I went through. But my mother didn’t raise a quitter.

So, I set off on my quest to find my forever dick.

You are all going to laugh at my year of dating, but babes, if I haven’t lost hope after everything that has happened then I’m sure you won’t either. So here it is, I present my 2018 year of dating. This is only some of the dates, amongst them were fuckboys, liars, cheaters and the very rare good one every now and then.

Bachelor number one Let’s call this guy Tom (because well he looked just like Tom Hardy). This boy was fine. And the

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generosity of this boy in bed was crazy. He went down on me within three minutes of kissing. I even said let me have a shower and he was like, “I don’t care”. I was gobsmacked and not just from the size of his dick. This dude was amazing. So, did I sink him you may ask? Well no. We became official as in agreed to not date others. Now this is the funniest but also the saddest thing you will hear. The day after we became official this dude told me his exgirlfriend who cheated on him was pregnant with his child. I remember I called my mum and sister and they just laughed because who could pick that.

So obviously I ended that one. Obviously wish this dude all the best and he’d make an amazing father.

But yea that one fucked with me.

Bachelor number two So next let’s talk about Mr Shredded. Now Mr Shredded was from Auckland. Now Mr Shredded and I had been talking for bit as well. He decided to fly down for the weekend. It was super nice. We spent the night at a hotel and then mine because I had to make sure he wasn’t a psycho before he met my flatmates because my flatmates are my whanau and I love them enough to not let a fuckhead stay in the house. So, we had a whirlwind of a romantic

Alright now Richard. Richard randomly added me on Instagram and we got chatting. We dated for three weeks. He would swear that I was the only woman he was dating. Long story short we were out in town one night and I saw him smacking another woman’s ass. I asked her if she was dating him.

What did she say? She said she had been dating him for three weeks. I’m sorry but what?! She slapped him, he yelled at her, punched a bus stop and sat there saying I was lying and dating his best mate instead. Bro, fuck off with your shit I mean what I got to gain about lying about a selfish prick in bed like you? Anyway, I obviously told him to get fucked however the other woman stayed with him.

Her reason you ask? Quote on quote, “I mean I’m young”. Yip. See I walked away because I know my worth and I don’t fuck with a liar. Lie to me once and you are cut. So, can it get worst you may ask?

Let’s find out. Which brings me to my last two bachelors of the year.

Bachelor number four Next up is Zaddy. Now Zaddy was rich as fuck I’m talking Cartier bracelet, Gucci, designer brands to the max. You’re all going to laugh at this story though. So Zaddy wouldn’t let me buy anything. I

brought him hot chocolate once and he was not happy. He wouldn’t even let me put rubbish in the bin. Now on the second date we were in his car.

He hopped on top and babes no other way to say it then be straight up. Zaddy was dry humping me and well Zaddy came in his pants. No lie just plain and simple came in his pants (quickly as well).

You know what I didn’t care? I mean if I can make you cum without even touching your dick that’s impressive. He moved up north after this. Three days after that he messaged me saying he loved me.

I’m not even making this up. Told me he loved me and wanted to try distance. So, he flew down to Wellington. We were at my house and we were kissing then he got super worked up and then stopped. He then left. Why you ask? Because he still can’t get over his ex-girlfriend. Cool bro but you would of known that from the first date…

Bachelor number five Next is Sam. Sam and I went on two dates and I’m gonna be honest after previous dates I just hadn’t been in the right frame of mind. After the second date I knew that I couldn’t date anyone plus I was just comparing him to Zaddy the whole time. Like I just had this feeling. Like I’m not feeling that great at the moment mentally. In all honest I’ve been having a pretty shit time within myself. Don’t get me wrong I love myself and know I’m amazing in every aspect, but I’ll just be honest I have been going through a fair bit of anxiety and depression over the last few months and it all just came to a head recently which is not normal for me. So, I knew I had to just focus on me. So, I told him and never heard back.

Now what is my survival guide for a shitty dating year? Babes get you a dial a dick, but even then, I have my vibrator called mountain because well that 21

SPEND IT. KEEP IT. REMEMBER .

FEATURE

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orld War I was the largest conflict the world had ever seen to that time.

New Zealand sent over 100,000 young men to fight, over 550 nurses and others – about 9% of our population at the time.

More than 16,500 kiwis were killed, many more were wounded. Finally on 11 November 1918, after four years of fighting, the Armistice was signed and the guns fell silent.

To commemorate this historic event, and the sacrifices made by service personnel and their families, the Reserve Bank is releasing a special coloured 50 cent coin into general circulation. As the Armistice Day coin is legal tender you can choose to spend it, or keep it to remember. e

Now for my sisters and brother on the quest for their forever dick and vagina. Don’t lose hope because if I haven’t after this year’s fuckery then neither should you. Don’t settle for just anyone. Find someone who brings you up and thinks you are amazing and worships you like the queen or king that you are.

Also remember you need to love yourself before you can allow someone into your life to love you! And lastly, if you wanna suck 10 dicks a night go hard, if you wanna stay a virgin till you meet the ‘one’ do it.

Live your life how you want, don’t get caught up in the fuckery of dating in society norms. If your safe, happy and not hurting anyone, do whatever the fuck you want.

Learn more about the Armistice Day coin with the free augmented reality app. Scan the QR code with your mobile then point it at a coin (or a picture of one) for video and other interactive content .

To keep up to date on my life head to www.theunlonelywoman.com.

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Am I dating now? I don’t know old mate Mr Shredded is staying tonight but at this point in time I’m not looking for anyone. It’s funny because from dating Zaddy, I kind of know what I want in a man. I don’t want a man that’s going to pay for everything. But I want one that wants to try and make a good impression. I mean I literally got a message from someone new today as they added me on Facebook. I asked why they added me and they said, “your pretty”. I mean moisten my pussy and fuck me already. Like seriously do you think that’s all you have to do? Boys let me make this clear.

You are never the only man pursuing us. There are always multiple others fighting for our attention so be different, be respectful, be kind, be truthful and for fucks sake don’t be a fuck boy or if you are be up front about it! The moment you realise we

aren’t the one, say something. Don’t be disrespectful and lead us on. We won’t be mad if your honest from the get go. Be truthful when you talk about yourself.

I mean hey I ain't out here saying I am a size 6 who loves to run. Because babe I only run for dick and food and even then, the dick has to be pretty great.

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thing always makes me reach my peak every time.

I preach about masturbation because how are you gonna know what you like if you don’t experiment on yourself. And, my conclusion on this year’s dating fiasco? Honestly, it’s been shit. I’ve learnt a lot about myself. Do I regret any of them? Not a chance. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Even if at the time we don’t get why, eventually you will understand. But I do want to point out throughout this whole year of dating I have had many offers for dates and I’ve actually turned down over half of them. Because I ain’t desperate. I think about who I date and don’t just go after any dude who comes at me. Do I recommend online dating?

Yes! It’s amazing but also extremely shit. But that’s like anything. Some men are gonna be amazing at going down on you and some are gonna think your pussy is a coin slot for their tongue... Lastly, ladies, if your man is selfish in bed call that mofo up. This ain’t a one way street. We give head to get head...

Equality my bro. You can’t be great in bed if your only skill is going up and down.

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Artist: Bella Cole

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Feature

Fifty Shades of My Existential Crisis: I watched the Fifty Shade trilogy with my parents and it wasn’t what I expected

Writer: Kyle Smith

Sometimes life-changing events start in unlikely places, and in my case, it started from seeing Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again!

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Before Mamma Mia started, the trailer for Book Club played, which is apparently a movie about a group of old ladies reading Fifty Shades of Grey together and then relating it back to their own lives (and yes, seeing Mamma Mia at the theatre by myself was the lowest point of my life so far, thank you for asking).

As I sat there, I thought, what could be worse than a group of women reading Fifty Shades together? And then, after a couple of days, the answer suddenly hit me. I knew what would be much, MUCH worse than reading the book with a group of people, and I knew that once I had realised what this thing was, I had to do it. I decided to watch the Fifty Shades trilogy with my parents. I told them that if they support my “journalistic career” they would do this with me, so they agreed and we set off on this horrible, horrible 26

journey together. Luckily, my local video store is closing down so I was able to pick up the first two films, Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker, for $3 each on Bluray (which is NOT a dying media form, society). But sadly, I had to get the last film, Fifty Shades Freed, full price. So, after spending $31 total, we were prepared to get started. For a bit of context, me and my parents are pretty close and have been watching all types of movies and TV together for many years. This has included such scarring experiences as watching Gone Girl with them during a fundraiser in a very small theatre filled with old people, and watching Blockers together. When the highlight of a film is John Cena making eye contact with Gary Cole as he climaxes, that’s not a good sign for the film being family friendly. Realistically, we are pretty accustomed to anything films throw our way, but nothing could have prepared me for Fifty Shades.

But not in the way you or I imagined.

Fifty Shades of Grey Before starting the movies, morale was already extremely low in my household. It was a Sunday night, my mum was just recovering from a cold which my dad had just contracted, and I had come home from work hungover. “On the bright side”, my dad said, “at least I get to eat those barbecue Doritos in the cupboard.” Morale was even worse once I told him that I had eaten them the night before, so things were not starting well. But luckily, once the movie started, things started to look up!

I am embarrassed to say that I kinda enjoyed the movie. The experience, not so much, but the film was fine. Every aspect was undoubtedly trash, but it was enjoyable trash. It’s like the $3 hotdogs from supermarkets. You know that they are definitely not real meat and are made from literal trash, but I’ll still be enjoying them at least three times a week.

The acting was pretty bad, but I’m sure the actors tried their best when working with such a terrible script. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up,” is up there with the worst pieces of dialogue in film history, alongside “So that’s it huh? We’re some kinda Suicide Squad,” and, “It truly was a Shawshank Redemption”.

The first sex scene didn’t happen for 42 whole minutes, which meant that we had to sit through nothing but terrible dialogue acted mediocrely before anything ‘exciting’ happened, and arguably it wasn’t a very exciting thing to wait for. These movies think they are more risque than they actually are, because what we see is relatively normal for today’s standard of movies or TV shows. But to be fair, I usually don’t watch films purely built around dominatrix sex with my parents (or at all, for the record), so this was certainly a weird experience.

The film was more plot-based than expected, so the sex scenes were few and far between, but still awkward whenever they did pop up. This movie intrigued me to see where the series was heading, and despite not being very good at all, I had a pretty good time with it. Not terrible, but still not that good either.

Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed Okay, so this didn’t go as I expected at all. As I sit down to write this I am confused with no idea what to do. I expected to sit down and watch six

hours of terrible porn-for-old-ladies with my parents which would be hilarious and awkward, but that is not what happened at all, except for the hilarious and awkward part of course. Watching slow and ‘emotionally charged’ sex scenes with your almost fifty-year-old parents is always going to be weird and if you wouldn’t find it weird, you had an extremely disturbing upbringing that I don’t want to hear about. There was lots of silence and uncomfortable laughter from me, and by watching the uncut extended editions of the trilogy, I bought extra awkwardness to our viewing party. But again, despite this awkwardness, the experience was nothing like I expected at all.

So how did this go wrong? What I am about to tell you I will never admit to anyone, ever, and I will deny the existence of this document until my last breath so don’t even try using it as evidence. I feel like I should be punished or something (and NO I don’t mean a Fifty Shades type of punishment). But anyway, here it goes.

I really enjoyed these two films.

Let me be clear though, these aren’t good films.

“It truly was a Shawshank Redemption”.

They are terrible in every aspect, except for the soundtrack. Such classics as The Scientist, Never Tear Us Apart and that song by Zayn and Taylor Swift play throughout, and those are all pretty great songs. I’ll defend the soundtrack, but nothing else. They are a terribly made, terribly scripted and terribly acted series of films. But I loved every non-sex-scene second of it.

I definitely had some issues, but it didn’t take away from my enjoyment. Main love interest Christian Grey is controlling and manipulative and has the mouth of a baby, and I can’t see girls realistically liking him, or maybe I have just been doing it wrong my whole life. There was a point in Darker where main character Anastasia comes home late and he yells, “where the FUCK have you been,” and my Mum looked and me and said, “this guy’s a piece 27

feature of work”. I have never agreed with my mother more in my life. Christian has some redeeming qualities however, the highlight being his zero-tolerance towards sexual harassment in the workplace.

When he finds out Anastasia’s boss tried to kiss her, Christian immediately runs into the building yelling, “I’m gonna kill him” like a true hero. He then gets the boss fired, but OBVIOUSLY the boss comes back in Freed to take Christian’s sister hostage. Because what every romantic trilogy needs is a ‘pulse-pounding’ car chase-rescue mission in the final act.

Darker and Freed don’t treat their audience like the idiots they are, which is a big plus. The director makes two pretty great sequels without rehashing the events of previous films. Each film contains no exposition and casually reference previous events and characters expecting the audience to remember them, which made the trilogy feel like chapters in a book instead of three separate films. The pacing is also PERFECT, because even though each film was over two hours long, they felt relatively short but still ‘action-packed’. The series continuously references the 1967 film The Graduate and the classic Simon and Garfunkel song Mrs Robinson, which I feel aren’t references the target audience would understand. However, maybe I shouldn’t talk down on the fans of this series, because I am now one of them. I feel like my reviews for these two films don’t matter, I don’t need to give a star rating. I enjoyed them. It’s as simple and as horrifying as that.

But this is where my existential crisis comes in.

I have been obsessed with film and television for as long as I remember, and my friends and parents would probably call me a snob. I wouldn’t say I’m a snob, but in the least pretentious way of putting it, I would say I like watching quality not just entertainment. So, when my parents say, “Knight and Day is on TV, do you want to watch it?” or, “Can you download Independence Day Resurgence for us?” I am more than likely to tell them to piss off. But recently, I have loved purely entertaining films; my quality has arguably been dropping. I mean, everyone has their own guilty pleasure movies, but when do they stop being guilty pleasures and just become films you genuinely think are good?

I’ve always considered the quality of media I consume to be pretty good, but after realising I actually enjoyed the Fifty Shades trilogy, I have been reflecting on the things I love and am questioning

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Column everything. Fist Fight, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Horrible Bosses all come to mind as films that aren’t very good but I absolutely love and have seen countless times.

Outside of the movie world, I also enjoy pretty shoddy entertainment as well. Every night I listen to an episode of The Ricky Gervais Show, a radio show that ran from 2001 to 2005 hosted by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. It is by far the worst radio show to ever exist. The audio is terrible, the conversations are nonsensical, and the amount of effort put into the show by the hosts is appalling, yet I have still listened to an episode a day for the past five years. I can admit that I am a man of both high and low culture. I love Lorde, but I also adore Taylor Swift. I love New Girl and I don’t like Game of Thrones. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is by far my favourite Marvel movie. My tastes are all over the show.

The whole idea of good taste and bad taste in media is insane, because some people can have both; I have both. Watching Fifty Shades has taught me that I am not better than media, and people are not defined by what they like. I surprisingly enjoyed Justice League, and I recently started watching 30 Rock which I always considered as the stupid show they would play before Community, and I love that now too.

So please, I beg you.

Maybe it’s finally time to watch Riverdale. Maybe it’s time to finally read Turtles All The Way Down because apparently John Green isn’t ‘cool’ anymore and you’ve been putting it off. Maybe it’s time to listen to Taylor Swift’s new album that your friend with bad music taste keeps recommending (That’s me.

I’m that friend).

The pop-culture world is filled with media that isn’t getting consumed because we prejudge. Who cares if it only has four on IMDB? Media is subjective, watch it anyway! Fifty Shades has had a bigger impact on me than I ever expected, it has taught me a very valuable lesson I have been able to share with you all.

But just be glad that you have learnt this lesson from me and not from watching six hours of socially acceptable pornography with your parents.

You’ve had it easy.

Entry 11: A Finishing Touch

What a ride it has been, this week, this month, this year, this existence. In fact, I would go so far as to say it has been incredibly overwhelming at times, yet rather underwhelming at other times.

Net result is whelming. And that’s water-tight.

As the name suggests, these ‘Shower Thoughts’ originate from the bathroom.

Sometimes from the toilet even. As I sat in the shower and racked my brain for the next shower thought, an existential crisis hit like a steam train. What am I doing at university? I could be Slav-squatting in Russia. Or I could be licking windows in Egypt. Or eating mango chutney in Thailand. There is so much more to the world than conforming to societal trend.

I often wonder what it would be like if the world reverted to what it was a billion or so years ago. We would be royally reamed.

Amongst this existential enigma, another thought popped into my mind. I don’t know what I don’t even know. How mental is that? For example, I recently learnt that a blue whale’s heart is the size of a car and you could swim through their blood vessels. I didn’t know that I didn’t know that fact, until I heard it. How do you know what you don't know that you don't know? I’m not sure how to rephrase that.

It’s almost a double negative, a fake positive. Regardless of these contemplations that leave some of us stumped, we contin-

ue to walk down the interesting road that constitutes life. It feels as though time is passing quicker than a juiced-up Olympic sprinter. Soon we’ll all be old farts and yearning for the old days. Therefore, I think It would be pretty dope to make some kind of positive contribution to this big rock hurtling through space.

I think happiness (and memes) is a key element in achieving this. Before embarking on this uplifting university experience, I never knew there was so much discontent around. I can see how it’s hard to stay sane in such an environment. I sometimes tell people, that I would be content with living on the street, without a penny to my name, as long as I was happy. Imagine living on Main Street, that’d be entertaining.

Like many, I vary between glass half-full and glass half-empty, but I realised there’s water in the glass, so just farkin drink it.

Just remember that everything works out in the end.

Cheers for the good times.

TL;DR: She’ll be right (but what if she’s wrong?)

Until Next Time, Todd Not Your Average Ponderer 29

FEATURE

FIRST COURSE Sour Dough Bread & House Cultured Butter Underrated Fish Crudo, Kawakawa Cracker SECOND COURSE Seaside - Crayfish Head Broth, Seaweed, Soft Egg, Foraged Herbs MAIN COURSE Leftovers - Meat Rillette, Brassica Leaf Salad, Romesco Sauce, Bread Sauce. Served with Dirty Rice and Ugly Vegetables DESSERT Banana Cream, Buttermilk Foam, Spent Grain Ice Cream

KAIBOSH

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For your average at-home consumer, the amount that ends up in the garbage — while being frustrating and perhaps a reminder of how much you didn’t sign up for this “being an adult” shit — it is nowhere near as confronting as the sheer volume of food waste in restaurants and supermarkets.

Kaibosh, a Wellington food-salvage organisation, started in 2008 as a response to this largerscale food waste. Seeing the obvious disconnect between perfectly eatable food winding up in the garbage, and individuals and families struggling to put food on the table, the founders Robyn and George Langlands set about killing two birds with one stone. Ten years on, Kaibosh works as an in-between, connecting 40 businesses who provide surplus food, with 65 charities who ensure this food is distributed to people in need within the Wellington community. They have over 200 volunteers and just last month salvaged their millionth kilogram of food.

To celebrate the Wellington on a Plate festival, Kaibosh recently held their annual fundraising event All Taste, No Waste (ATNW). This year’s

head chef was Wellington local Asher Boote, owner of Tinakori Bistro, The Ramen Shop, and The Hillside Kitchen and Cellar — which has recently introduced their new meat-free menu, opting to focus instead on exploring innovative ways to deliver “vegetable-driven” meals.

Collaborating with a team of WelTec students, the sold-out event focuses on using under appreciated ingredients and challenging the way guests think about food waste and how they source their ingredients. While Kaibosh provides solutions for the kind of food waste found in restaurants, subscription-based food bag services, and supermarkets (such as their major supporter Countdown) events such as these serve as a reminder that we could all be doing more to ensure we are being resourceful and efficient with our groceries. Tagging along to the event, I managed to catch Asha before the first course hit the tables. As a categorically un-calm person, I was pleased but also slightly alarmed at how cool and collected he remained as he made time to sit down and dish up some advice specific for how we could all up our food usage game:

Writer: Te Paea Hoori

We all know the feeling. Whether it’s the week old chicken you find forgotten behind a myriad of other refrigerator items, or the wilting broccoli that you can’t quite figure out how to salvage — wasting food is an awful feeling.

FIRST COURSE: KEEP AN OPEN MIND Sour Dough Bread & House Cultured Butter Underrated Fish Crudo, Kawakawa Cracker Expecting something less ideological, Asha’s first piece of advice took me by surprise. “Try everything,” he encouraged, “don’t be scared of food. It’s okay to make mistakes — that’s as true of food as it is of life.” Exemplifying this at the ATNW event, the first course featured Cudo, a fish that despite being plentiful (and therefore a more sustainable option)

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remains “underrated” — often being passed over or used as bait. “Preconceptions are shocking when it comes to food,” Asha explained. Taking under-utilised ingredients and approaching food with a more creative outlook ensures not only that you won’t miss out on a new experience but can help you save some dollars too.

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SECOND COURSE: LEARN THE BASICS Seaside - Crayfish Head Broth, Seaweed, Soft Egg, Foraged Herbs

When asked if he had a favourite dish to make use of ingredients a little past it’s prime, Asha explained his process. First breaking the ingredients into food groups, he says he often uses the fresh produce to create a salsa, and any meat that is still eatable (but maybe no longer primo) can be made into a gravy casserole creating balance. “The freshness of the salsa complements the richness of the gravy.” In the case of this event, the second course featured

a crayfish head broth — broth being another great option for putting to use the flavours of offcuts or droopy veggies.

Flavoursome curries, pho, soups and sauces all make the list too. By practicing how to whip up some of these meals, you can start mixing up the ingredients and you’ll be putting your own (resourceful) spin on them in no time.

MAIN COURSE: PLAN AHEAD Leftovers - Meat Rillette, Brassica Leaf Salad, Romesco Sauce, Bread Sauce. Served with Dirty Rice and Ugly Vegetables

Remember that house cultured butter from earlier that was paired with the sour dough bread? Asha accounted for surplus butter and thought about how to utilise bread — a product that goes stale in many households. By adding some milk and condiments these leftovers made for an extra layer to the meal — providing a bread sauce that complemented what

else was planned. Obviously we don’t all have the wealth of culinary knowledge to pull from. But taking the time to map out all the food you plan to buy that week, mixed with some effective googling will make it clearer how best you can shop and cook efficiently.

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K A I B O S H FAC TS :

2 4 8 TO NNE S O F FO O D P ROV I D E D I N T H E L A ST 1 2 M O N T H S

2 5 TO NNES

O F FO O D WA S R E S C U E D E AC H MONTH

7 1,0 0 0 M EAL S W E R E C R E AT E D F RO M T H E R E S C U E D FO O D

1 9, 4 0 0 KG AMOUNT OF REDUCED CARBON E M I S S I O N S E AC H M O N T H

DESSERT: KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED Banana Cream, Buttermilk Foam, Spent Grain Ice Cream I went to type the words: “I know food isn’t always on our brain 24/7” and realised what a lie that was for me. Speaking for my fellow foodies out there, by diverting just some of the time I spend thinking about consuming it, to thinking about preparing it: who knows what ideas will present themselves. In

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Asha’s case, an idea came from noticing the recent influx in local breweries in Wellington. Using some of the grain leftover in the brewing process he created an ice cream flavour which was the perfect addition to my favourite course.

Happy conscious cooking everyone. Be sure to share any waste-reducing foodstagram moments with us at @massivemagazine. And if you want to get involved in reducing food waste on a larger scale you can go to www.kaibosh.org.nz to find out more.

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ivUseRaE MFamEsAasTw

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the UNLONELY woman Cum on face The stones in my face scratch at the world screaming sobbing save me from myself From myself my grimy claws bloodied groping rusty knife too often used Too often the night leaves me the sun taunts I am nocturnal I am nocturnal dragged daily to judgement the worms a jury A jury they essay me unable to find something dirtier – Ruth Bateson

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Ah summer break. How amazing it is waking up and not having to race off to class grabbing whatever is closest to us that is edible, whether it be last night’s maccas fries or the sandwich that’s been in your bag for a few days. My rule is if it doesn’t stink then eat. I use this same terminology with sucking dick.

If it doesn’t stink and it’s clean, then you’re good. Everyone gets so bloody PC whenever sucking dick is mentioned.

I mean come on most of us do it, hell I know I’m good at it as I’ve had those compliment’s flowing. I’m sorry but it’s fucking oral. It’s like people expect me to be like oh yuck dick, no thanks.

I’m sorry but what? But look, I’ll be honest there’s one thing that I hate about sucking dick, like it honestly grinds my gears. What is it you may ask? Honestly just getting cum anywhere on my face or hair. I know, I know sometimes things happen and there’s an explosion that somehow misses my mouth which is fine. But girl when someone does it on purpose imma cut a bitch.

I warn guys I’m not an on the face g.

Like I give them a clear warning and for some reason some people want to test me. I take a lot of pride in my skincare

routine and I don’t need none of your cum messing that shit up. All this talk about cum on my face takes me back to the bad old days where I had no standards. I was sucking this dude off who I thought wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Which let’s be honest when we start dating someone we start thinking about the rest of our life with them. I started imagining moving to Hamilton to be with him. Fuck sakes Hamilton? Wtf. Anyway, I’m sucking his dick next thing you know I stop to give my jaw a wee rest. Next thing you know this dude lets the load go. Where did it go you may be thinking? My motherfucking face and hair… I was like are you fucking with me boy? Like come on? This was my first ever experience with cum on my face.

Now here’s the thing I have this rule where you can cum anywhere you want apart from the vag. I ain’t up for getting pregnant anytime soon. If you wanna cum on my stomach go hard. Boobs?

Go hard. Hell, even my ass, we all good.

Go for gold. But not the fucking face.

Anyway, fast forward to this broke ass boy let’s call him Richard (side not he’s in this issue's feature). He came over one

morning and we slept for a few hours.

Then we chatted about “us”. Turns out he had another “us” as well. Anyway, I got in the mood. Next thing ya know this dude puts his dick on my cheek. Like he literally just slapped it on my face like it was a fish. It was just there looking at me like a worm coming out of a hole. Fair to say I didn’t suck no dick after that. He knew not to fuck with my face but he still went there. Funny thing is I found out another lady had his dick in her mouth the night before. So safe to say I was glad as fuck I didn’t suck it. On this note why the hell is it called a blow job? There ain’t no blowing. I’m sorry to break this to anyone who hasn’t sucked dick yet.

But do not blow it’s all about the suck.

So, my conclusion? Well this shit is simple as fuck. If someone tells you not to do something in sex. Don’t fucking do it. Everyone has their rules and they should be respected. If you don’t wanna give me head, I’m not gonna sit on your face as a joke. Honestly just respect your sexual partner, plain and simple.

To read more like this head to www. theunlonelywoman.com.

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Google vs.

God Issue Six: A slice of heaven In an ever-expanding global community of acceptance and knowledge, two opinions remain.

Left vs right. Agnostic vs Christian.

Science vs spirituality. But what happens when these opinions collide, and the two sides agree for once? Two students, both alike in career vision and identity, but from opposing upbringings and households, discuss a different topic each issue from both perspectives, ‘Google vs God’.

Profiles:

Yo it’s exam time and I’ve lost my pet cat, no clue where the fuck she is but I’m worried to say the least. The real concern here though is I stayed up far too late last night sinking white rhinos with my four-year-old brother. Now mum is pissed at me and won’t let me go to uni to sit my exam, what should I do?

Hi there, I think you should revisit the way you interact with your bro! He shouldn’t be drinking if he is four and he should also not be staying up late at night. Your mum also shouldn’t be limiting you by not going to uni. It’s a niggly one but I think you should take a good hard look at yourself and then attempt to rebook your exam - GC

Well fuck a doodle do, my grandma shat in my shoe. I put it on, then took it off, my foot covered in poo.

Very creative poem! Too bad you are a fuckhead.

That’s right I know what you are. You’re the one who keeps shitting in my garden. Please fuck off or I’ll arrest you, fuck with your case and send you to jail - BC

DISCLAIMER: While our Good Cop and Bad Cop have your best interests at heart when playing Agony Aunt, remember they are no experts. So, if you are after serious medical or legal advice, please consult a professional.

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Google Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Agnostic

God Female

Middle-class family

Studying Design at Massey Christian

Hey, I got a lot of faith in you.

google

god

I just have one little weeny issue with the concept of heaven: being told that the only way to get in there and subsequently escape being tortured for the rest of fucking eternity is by worshipping someone who I have never met. I’m all for being a good person and like, not murdering people, but the idea that the only reason for being a “good person” is to escape eternal damnation? Nah son.

I’d rather not live in fear, and instead just do good things because I’m not a piece of shit.

I’m not sure what I believe happens after old mate death comes for us. For a long time, I had a “when we die we die, the end” mindset, and thought that the idea of heaven was just a way to make ourselves less scared of the inevitable.

But my opinions have matured like a fine wine and I’ve come to think the idea of life after death is comforting for people who have lost someone they love.

It helps to believe that someone you miss so much is waiting for you. I definitely think of my grandparents and imagine them watching over me – which is also why I only have sex with the lights out. I reckon just believe what you like… who’s going to prove you wrong? Just don’t tell me I’m going to hell because I don’t live to please a dude in sandals who’s weirdly invested in who I’m fucking, thanks.

When someone asks me what I think happens after we die, I straight up think of The Good Place. Despite years of RE classes, this was the greatest explanation of what I think happens after our mortal bodies perish. While many have ‘high scores’ which sent them to the ‘good place’, I believe anyone could get there.

To think our actions could lead us to either Heaven of Hell is an incentive for many to be on their best behaviour while on Earth. We are sent to the good place, where all is merry and bright, or the bad place, where Illuminati reigns and unhappiness is plentiful. The latter may sound tempting, but this is not where you should reside for the remainder of eternity. The only reason there is a heaven to be worthy of, is because of the ultimate sacrifice by Jesus. We have been destined for sin, and only through his death and our acknowledgment of his almightiness can we have any hope of accessing the party room upstairs. The idea that a ‘downstairs’ exists doesn’t faze many people, but I’d say that being good to spend the rest of my life with the man who DIED for me is pretty frickin’ awesome. Everyone belongs in the ‘good place’. We all screw up, and we all make some mediocre decisions. What we need to do is thank Jesus, be a good person, and BAM! you have a bright afterlife.

Alternatively, you could become a soul dealer. Up to you.

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massive

Lit Fam or Shit Scam?

Massey Writer: Kasharn Rao

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s three years of mental instability and unhealthy living conditions, followed by a lifetime of crippling debt.

Seeing as the end of my degree is approaching faster than Tussock can fuck up an already overpriced coffee, I decided there was only one thing that warranted my final review.

Massey University invites you to become a part of the ‘engine of New Zealand,’ which is their metaphorical way of informing you that it’s exhausting.

My first year wasn’t too bad, like a cute Pixar prelude before an overhyped soft reboot of a classic animated film starring the thiccest incredabooty you’ve ever seen.

2016 Kasharn wore purple laces and army jackets and had a penchant for trying a new spirit every week.

Trying to build a circle of friends while juggling all my new responsibilities was something I managed to do with some struggle, especially when the awkward mandatory social activities that The Cube put on actually set me further back in securing relationships.

Turns out if you all stand in a circle, then say your name and an interesting fact, you immediately form bonds for life instead of a socializing complex.

It wasn’t all bad. Upon exploring this shambles of a university, I discovered Massive, which has been my friend and therapy ever since. From my first undeniably lame article, “Why Auckland Is Shit” to my first debatably amusing feature “Dilemma Doctor,” to my newest clusterfuck of questionable quality “Lit Fam or Shit Scam,” Massive has always been there for me to justify my need to be a complete and utter idiot, and get paid for it too.

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During my second year, Massey really stepped things up a notch. From website malfunctions, to unfinished maraes, to Design students realising what they got themselves into, Massey might as well have not bothered growing any cherry blossoms that year due to the plentiful amount of shade being tossed around.

I had one of the most exhausting years of my life, having nearly lost some of my friends while constantly balancing the kilograms of steel and feathers that Creative Media Production was loading on. I’m not sure what was worse, spending nights beside hospital beds, or struggling to understand the slew of vaguely purposed papers with pretentious names such as “Intermedia” and “Crossmedia” and “Will You Get A Job After University? Tune In Next Year To The ‘LMAO NOT LIKELY’ Show To Find Out”.

By the time it was over, I was more tired than Eminem after his multiple failed attempts to stay relevant.

If you asked me to sum up 2018 in one word, I’d mumble “honestly... yeet,” then continue looking for my keys. You’d inform me that was two words, I’d tell you to, “fuck off with your number things or whatever,” and you’d reply with, “that’s not very nice,” to which I’d attempt to say, “I am not nice… *skeletor noises*...” but I’d pass out halfway through. Ninety percent of my conversations this year have been like this, my life has been governed by Murphy’s Law. I don’t know who Murphy is or why he/she invented such a law, but maybe he/she should have studied jazz at Albany.

That’s what happens when your course has only been around for four years. Things don’t always work. And while most of the staff have worked really hard (I say

‘most’ because if they read this, they’ll want to know who’s not included in the ‘most’ and they’ll worry that it might be them, then I can have my revenge for all the stress I’ve endured) to improve the course, they’re gonna be left with so much feedback by the end of this year that their animatronics lecturer will short-circuit (if they still had one). It’s not just CMP that’s had a rough time. The nursing students have put up with a fair amount of crap, business students have willingly given up their emotions and entered a catatonic state, and I’m pretty sure the psych students have reverted to primal instincts and are operating on a ‘kill first, calculate threshold later’ basis.

Now to be fair, Massey has some pretty cool shit too, so here is WatchMojo’s Top Five Things About Massey University: 1) Pocket. Friendly and non-judgmental campus cat.

Has some pretty alarming political views, but you can look past that.

2) Massive. I’m fairly certain Massey has a Magazine, and I’ve heard it’s pretty good. My mate was telling me about a crack-up article he read in Massive the other week, something about a guy trying Uber Eats for the first time. Sounded pretty frothy.

3) Student-Run Events. There’s something for everyone here to help you take your mind off things. And they’ll be around for a while too. It’s not like the Vice Chancellor would attempt to cut funding for them, right?

4) Complete and Utter Lack of Bears. I’ve never once encountered a bear while at Massey, and I actually think it would be impossible for a bear to even exist here. In other words, it’s unbearable.

5) Employment. Massey happens to be 22nd in the world in terms of post-degree employability. I bet you didn’t know that. I also bet you didn’t know that I just made that up.

Those of you in your third or final year know what I’m on about, and yeah at first glance it seems like Massey needs to rethink its workload. But from accounts I’ve heard from other universities, this is just what it’s like as a senior student, and once you’ve got a high-paying job you’ll probably look back on your Massey days with some degree of honour.

University is tough, you get pushed past your limits and sometimes it feels like the Rainbow Road on Mario Kart. You’re trying so hard to get to the end but you’re afraid to move too fast, otherwise you run the risk of falling off the edge, yet sometimes it feels like everyone’s overtaking you, and you’re out of coins, and there are old banana peels lying around, and Bowser is now a sexualised humanoid female for some reason, and now I’m falling asleep, and she’s calling a cab, while he’s having a smoke, and she’s taking a drag, now they’re going to bed, and my stomach is sick, and you get the idea.

Basically what I’m trying to say through his horribly structured metaphor is that you start off at Massey, thinking you’re Mario or Peach but really underneath you’ve been Waluigi all along.

Despite its flaws, I have a lot to thank Massey for, so I rate it 4/5 Exhaust Pipes, therefore it receives a Good Academic Standing.

Enjoy your summer.

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REVIEWS

Movie Review A Simple Favor (2018)

A thriller with a rom-com feel – A Simple Favor is an intriguing mix I hadn’t come across before.

But alas, intriguing doesn’t equate to good. The film featured a great cast with powerhouse acting chops. The content just wasn’t quite there. A Simple Favor is about two mums living completely different lives. Emily (Blake Lively), the mum who is winning in the PR world and appears to have it all and Stephanie (Anna Kendrick), the know-it-all mum whose paid employment is a vlog for mums. Emily drags Stephanie into her mysterious world and a crazy tale ensues that gets more and more farfetched with every ten-minute interval of running time.

A few weeks ago I watched the trailer for this film.

It was a short smattering of scenes from the film with bougie French music and strange choice of colours with pacing issues. That pretty much sums up the tone of the whole film. However, the script wasn’t bad, and the acting was great – I loved Henry Golding (of recent Crazy Rich Asians fame) as Sean, Emily’s oblivious husband, and am looking forward to seeing more of him. I feel like the film had potential, but the execution was lacking – Emma Rzepecky

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TV Show Review Chef's Table (2015–)

Chef’s Table is the greatest foodie show I have ever seen. And I love food.

It is a documentary show that focuses on one chef per episode, looking deep into their motivations and inspirations. The chefs are all world-renowned in the culinary field in one way or other. The scope spans the world, from pastry chefs to Michelin star chefs to small town chefs creating exquisite food. Some of the most colourful include Ivan Orkin of Ivan Ramen in Tokyo and New York city and Corrado Assenza of Caffé Sicilia in Noto, Italy. The latter even saved the Romana Almond, native to Sicily, through his dedication to agriculture in the region. Brilliant stories.

The cinematography is wonderful throughout the show, with creative ways to display the foods and the chefs at work. I could watch just the title sequence itself of each season over and over again.

The show has four seasons so far, with twenty-two episodes in total. If you are interested in vibrant stories, travel or exquisite cuisine then Chef’s Table is definitely for you. Give it a go - you won’t regret it – Emma Rzepecky

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Booked In: Chapter Twelve The Vintner’s Luck

For our twelfth and final literary rendezvous, I decided to finally read Wellingtonian Elizabeth Knox’s The Vintner’s Luck, a book I’ve been intending to read for quite some time, but never got around to until now. I think the best way to describe The Vintner’s Luck, which has earned a considerable number of awards and accolades both here and overseas, is as a… historical biblical-fantasy miniepic romance.

and it’s clear that Knox did a great deal of research. Especially, it would seem, about wine. Personally, I’ve never understood the fuss about wine, but it makes a nice motif.

Knox’s prose is tidal and rich, carefully and lovingly crafted, but she is not an author who takes you by the hand and meticulously ensures your understanding at every step.

This is not a book for the complacent reader—it takes some legwork, and Eastern France, 1808, the night of attention paid. Otherwise, later on in June 27: young, drunk, lovesick Sobran the book, let’s just say you might have Jodeau meets the angel Xas at the some problems with remembering outskirts of his family’s vineyard. He names, ages, and what year it is. makes a promise with the angel, to meet Unfortunately, I’m speaking from at that same spot on the same night every experience, because I couldn’t be year for the rest of Sobran’s life. Slowly, bothered with the maths to track the Xas is drawn into Sobran’s life and passing years and Sobran’s age. Ugh, troubles—his marriage to the beautiful, maths. unstable Céleste; his troubles with his The Vintner’s Luck is often cited as brother Léon; his friendship with his a tearjerker, and I understand why, atheist employer, Aurora de Valday. but it wasn’t the case for me. Perhaps Sobran, meanwhile, is drawn into the because I wasn’t paying enough captivating mystery of Xas himself. attention, or because I just didn’t Calling it a “mini-epic” is a bit of a connect with it as deeply as I might contradiction, I know, but while The have. I can’t say for sure why that is, Vintner’s Luck is not a long novel, it feels except perhaps to blame the fact that I so much greater than its 239 pages. It don’t usually read novels such as this, follows the rather logical structure of precisely because they don’t usually the “one night a year” premise, giving appeal to me. Nonetheless, The Vintner’s us snapshots into the triumphs and Luck is a special, homegrown novel sorrows of Sobran’s life, and the lives that delivers a quick, sharp, lingering of those around him. The historical elbow-jab to the heart. setting is immersive and convincing, - Peri Miller.

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FROM THE

PREZ

Music Review Noah Cyrus Good Cry EP

This is it guys, the last yarn from me for the year! And what a year it has been!

I want to thank everyone that has been getting involved with ASA for the year, it’s been so cool to see everyone at our various events, trainings and meetings, so thanks! We hope you enjoyed the ASA comedy night!

It’s easy to disregard Noah Cyrus as a serious musician in the shadow of her sister Miley Cyrus, but this EP shows that she is an artist in her own right with a unique sound.

I expected this EP to be overly produced and nothing new, but I’m so happily surprised that it’s not. I don’t even know what genre this music is, there’s a mixture of pop and country and even blues and there’s even a gospel choir. Noah shows us that she has an incredible range and vocal ability and has just as much right to be here as anyone else.

Good Cry is her debut EP, evidently a collection of songs about sadness and depression, though it offers hope in the lyrics and the melodies.

What I love most on this EP is the inclusion of the voice memo of the song Topanga. It’s an unexpected though refreshing break from the other upbeat pop songs on the EP. It’s so beautiful and raw; her clean country voice shines with the accompaniment of soft guitar, sporadic harmonies and crickets chirping in the background. It sounds amazing for having been recorded on a phone, and the imperfections are what makes it.

The EP is quite different to her previous releases like the pop songs Make Me (Cry) and Stay Together with Labrinth. Not that those songs were bad, it seems that she has come into her own, has grown up a bit and is taking control of what she wants musically – Zoe Jennings.

We are currently training your new 2019 executive and it’s great to see them getting so enthusiastic to jump into next year! You guys are in good hands!

If you have any event ideas for next year

COOL BEANS

PH: 385 3337

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O PE N S 4 O CT

N! VEGA

with Lydia Hill

Ingredients: 1 cup all-purpose flour ¼ tsp baking powder ¼ tsp baking soda Pinch of salt ¼ cup white sugar

FLICKS

S T R AY

or some O-Week suggestions, then let ASA know! So many of you will have seen the recent developments in the Don Brash/Jan Thomas saga, I know it can be a very polarising debate, but if you’d like to have a chat about the scenario then please feel free to do so. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it all!

As we get close to the end of the year remember to look out for ASA de-stress events happening around campus… there may be some puppies in the mix too! But on a serious note, ASA has your back with study, so if there is anything

Carol’s Cookies

  NZ HERALD

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¼ cup brown sugar large chocolate bar ¼ cup apple sauce ¼ cup margarine (or any dairy free butter substitute) ¼ tsp vanilla essence

that is causing issues in your study please come see us.

As always please get in contact if you’ve got any questions. I’m always down for a yarn. I’d just wanna say this has been an awesome experience being your 2018 ASA president.

Thanks for everyone I worked with this year, it has been a crazy year that I won’t forget anytime soon.

Cheers!

Jason

Fan of The Walking Dead? Well this recipe is for you!

Remember that time when Carol threatened that kid and bribed him with cookies? That was dark. However, these cookies inspired by the ones Carol made, are anything but.

They’re light and fluffy, and their marbled appearance will be sure to impress. These are vegan – and the secret ingredient is apple sauce.

Directions: Preheat oven to 170C. In a large bowl, combine apple sauce, margarine, vanilla essence, and both sugars. Cream together until combined – the apple sauce will cause the mixture to curdle a bit, but keep mixing. Once combined, add in the dry ingredients, flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Mix the dough until the flour is fully absorbed and let stand for five to 10 minutes. Melt the chocolate (I used a ¼ block of Whitakers dark chocolate), either in the microwave or the double boiler method (which is preferred for best results).

Once melted, mix the chocolate in with the dough, leaving streaks of plain dough among the chocolate to achieve the marbled pattern. Place golf-sized balls of dough on a lined baking sheet, and bake for 11-13 minutes depending on size.

Remove from baking sheet to cool once cooked, and enjoy.

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Puzzles

MASSIVE QUIZ

Can you SUDOKU?

Being born in 1999 does not give you the title of a ‘90’s kid,’ sorry to burst your bubble. For all you ‘99ers, this is a good ol’ history quiz.

Our final Sudoku column of the year – we hope we have expanded your horizons and opened up life opportunites, we only wish the best for you. Xx

1. Who was Nirvana’s lead singer, Kurt Cobain, married to?

2. What was the name of the first ever cloned sheep, which hit headlines in 1990?

3. What were the first names of the FBI characters ‘Mulder’ and ‘Scully’ in TV sci-fi show the X-Files?

4. Nick, Brian, Kevin, AJ and Howie were members of which popular 90’s boy band?

5. “I see dead people” is a quote from which famous movie?

6. What is a scrunchie?

7. A very high grossing, epic film, was at the box office in the year of 1997. What was the name of the popular movie?

8. What are the names of the six characters from Friends?

9. This fad of the 90s was a purse you carried on your waist – what was it called?

10. Forrest Gump won a Best Picture Oscar, true or false?

Can’t crack it? I’d redo some .100 papers if I were you.

HOT OR NOT? HOT: Nick ‘Honey Bear’ Cummins

HOT: Michael Bublé’s annual debut HOT: Riverdale Season 3 countdown

HOT: Hot dogs This one is SUPER easy. No pressure, fresher.

NOT: New World Pods

1. Courtenay Love, 2. Dolly, 3. Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, 4. Backstreet Boys, 5. The Sixth Sense, 6. A hair tie, 7. Titanic, 8. Chandler, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Monica., 9. A fanny pack, 10. True, in 1996.

NOT: PlayStation 1 re-release

NOT: McDonalds Monopoly NOT: Needles in strawberries

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humour Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23

Horoscoping you out.

You’ll spend your summer crying in your room, playing sad songs to make you feel even sadder and then watching sad movies when you feel your sadness quota running out. Nobody cries like a Cancer. Summer loving, had me a blast…

Libra season is upon us! And so is the end of the semester so keep reading to find out how the signs will be spending the summer xoxo

Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23 The video you forced your flatmate to film of you singing God Is A Woman is going to go viral and you’ll find your summer full of interviews, guest appearances and finally a live performance on the Ellen Show. Leo always finds the spotlight.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19 You will spend the entire summer searching the greater Wellington region for any signs of paranormal or extra-terrestrial activity and perfecting your tinfoil hat making skills.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20 Summer for a Pisces will involve volunteering with refugees, running school holiday programs and making macrame to sell to fundraise for the SPCA.

Your down time this summer will be spent meticulously organising everything in your house by size, colour and alphabetical order, including your flatmates.

Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23 You are going to go out partying after your last exam and wake up again in February.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 23

You’re going to fail all your exams and land yourself in summer school, where you will be imprisoned for the whole the break while everyone else is at the beach doing aesthetically pleasing sunshine related activities. Study next year you noob.

You’ll be spending this summer the same way you do every year – plotting your revenge on that teacher from primary school that made you sit out of bull rush because you didn’t finish your haiku for English.

Maybe this will be the year you finally collect enough hair for that voodoo doll.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21 After accidentally creating the perfect scoby during a bender one weekend, you’re going to start your own small kombucha business and deliver your delicious fermented beverages via carrier pigeon – so niche.

Gemini May 22 – Jun 21 You’re going to have a busy break hanging out with your 3000 friends. You’d better start making the roster now. Don’t forget to schedule breaks so that you finish your application for Heartbreak Island and respond to your 10,000 Tinder matches.

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Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 22 You are finally going on that iowaska retreat you’ve been saving for all year. In between voms and chanting sessions you’re going to realise what you want to do with your life and drop out of uni to travel the world as a stick and poke tattoo artist.

Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20 Practical Capricorns will spend their summer saving money, eating a healthy balanced diet, watching TED talks and waiting for uni to start again so that they can beat their GPA from last year.

FEATURE

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