Mars' Hill Issue 17 Issue 6 by Mars Hill Newspaper

12 14

December 5, 2012

FROM THE EDITOR. |THE TEAM

CHRIS MONTGOMERY

visual editor

JUSTIN POULSEN

BETHANY ROY

The big man upstairs came downstairs

MARS’ HILL 7600 Glover Rd. Langley, BC V2Y 1Y1 604 513 2109 MARS’ HILL

They always said, “Keep Christ at the center of SCOTT FORSYTH Christmas,” and every Christmas I really thought I did. I kept reminding myself of what we were celebrating—the birth of our savior, and that if it wasn’t for Him we would all be screwed. But it wasn’t until recently that I really started to experience this

Mars’ Hill is a student publication of

Mars’ Hill seeks to be a professional and

MISSION TO MARS

Christmas has been my favorite time of year ever since I was born. When I was young, I loved Christmas for Santa, the presents, and baby Jesus—not Jesus, “The Savior of the

EDITORIAL POLICY

manger…literally. My mom reminds me every year about how she could

LAURA JENSEN

photo editor

JUSTIN SMITH

layout editor

BROOKE HIGGINBOTHAM

CHRISTINE RMAH

ALEX PLENITS

DALLAS FONTAINE

because I always stole it to play with my Transformers. As I got older, I started loving Christmas for the amazing food, the family party games, and even better presents. It was in high school when I started to fall in love with the nostalgia of Christmas—sitthe crisp snow falling outside, my granny’s brunches, grandpa’s dinners, the Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra Christmas records, and the Starbucks Christmas dates. These were the things I loved about Christmas, until about a year ago when it all started to change. Last year my sister got married, changing the whole structure of my Christmas—it wasn’t just her and I anymore. The snow decided to stop falling in late December and Starbucks drinks got too expensive for a university student’s budget. After grandpa passed away, the extravagant family dinners started to dwindle, and now with my grandma unable to year without her morning brunches. Christmas is slowly being stripped down from what I loved it for. No more snow, no more Starbucks, no more brunches, no more dinners. But is this really a bad thing? While this was all happening, I began to wonder why we practice these the family dinners? Why all these gifts? Are we just going through the

Opinions expressed in Mars’ Hill LAURA JENSEN

motions for traditions sake? Are we just trying to satisfy the in-laws since it’s our turn to do Christmas? Or are we gathering together in community to celebrate the real reason behind Christmas? As I’m growing older and every-

of baby Jesus. And I think it is here that He wants me. Christmas is about Christ, that’s it. True, all of these traditions are great and they contribute to the whole aura of family and relationship. But don’t let the parties and presents and food be why you celebrate Christmas, let them be how.

torial board, Trinity Western University,

SENIOR EDITORS Editor-in-Chief

Justin Poulsen Managing Editor Visual Editor

SECTION EDITORS Larissa Kroeker

Scott didn’t write enough so here is some Christmas cheer instead...

News Academy Arts & Culture Sports Humour

PRODUCTION STAFF Laura Jensen Photo Editor

Illustration Editor Layout Editor

COVER STATEMENT. “I was commissioned to render the most kitsch and ridiculously holiday greeting card I could muster. So here it is, my cute-and-cuddly-warm-andfuzzy: constructed solely from con-

struction paper, each character was stencilled and laid out with care. It was fun trying not to breathe, for fear of blowing it all off the table. Merry Christmas to all!” -DAN HURST

Chief Copy Editor

OPERATIONS Finance Manager Advertising Manager Web Presence

CONTRIBUTORS Leanne Witten

my playlist

JUSTIN SMITH Hayley Gaynor

Travis Heide

ADVISOR Cold War Kids Saint John

King Charles Polar Bear

Alt-J Dissolve Me

Frou Frou Let Go

The Tallest Man... The Gardener

Jon and Roy

Regina Spektor All The Rowboats

Jordan Klassen Go To Me

Vampire Weekend White Sky

The Magician... I Want It All

Ingrid Michaelson You and I

The Avett Brothers I and Love and You

Vibrant Scene

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “A lump of coal” -Josiah Martinoski

marshill@gmail.com www.marshillonline.com @marshillonline

December 5, 2012

NEWS.

LARISSA KROEKER larissa.kroeker@gmail.com

The SandwicH

Nazi

No sandwich for you. “God and a sandwich saved my life.” LARISSA The enlightKROEKER ened residents of the Fraser Valley recognize Salam Kahil—also known as the “Sandwich Nazi”—for his delicious three pound submarine sandwiches, imported European meats and cheeses, and politically incorrect humour. The title “Sandwich Nazi” comes from Kahil’s straightforward sign on La Charcuterie’s door: “If you can’t handle nudity or profanity, then don’t come in.” “I don’t put up with complaints,” Kahil says. His business has thrived for the past 26 years, as he has given only the very best ingredients to his customers, and kicks out anyone who accuses that his meats or cheeses aren’t fresh.

” ” I knew I wasn’t going to be a gigolo forever.

Recently, Kahil suffered a neardeath experience that left him thankful for his existence. On July 4th of this year, while driving home after a long

on Highway #1. Within seconds, he was rear-ended by a semi-trailer going 90km/h, carrying a 140,000 pound load. “He hit me so hard it sounded like a bomb,” Kahil says. “The very last thing I remember is my Volvo being pushed from the right lane to the left lane and then being pushed into the meridian. When I woke up, the doctors told me there was nothing wrong, and they already checked me out.” Two weeks later, the Sandwich Nazi suffered from a pain in his chest that was worsening by the minute, so he visted an urgent care centre. Once again, doctors reassured him he was healthy and should go back to work. On July 20th, Kahil woke up in such agony that he questioned whether to go to work or stay home. “I came in and was serving a regular customer,” Kahil says, “I told him I was dying, since I knew that I was. So

I jumped on my counter to die. It was almost like a switch shut off; there a feather in the wind.” Just at that moment, a B.C. ambulance supervisor came in for a sandwich, took one look at Kahil, and drove him straight to the hospital. They rushed Kahil into the operating room, where doctors discovered his aorta had been damaged during his prior accident. After an 8.5 hour operation, Kahil woke up. If the ambulance crew hadn’t come into his delicatessen exactly when they had, he would have died in less than two minutes. Now, less than two months later, the Sandwich Nazi is at it again. “I’m still here,” he says, “obnoxious as ever; nothing’s changed.” Surprisingly, Kahil wasn’t always the “Sandwich Nazi.” “As a kid, I went to a Muslim school,” he says, “and they kicked my ass out. Then they sent me to another Muslim school... and they kicked my ass out again within a week. Finally they took me to a Catholic school. I was the cutest boy, they took me in instantly.” Kahil went to a minimum of three elementary schools a year, always moving around because he was so mischievous. When he came to Canada, Kahil decided to attend the University of Montreal, where he studied mechanical engineering. “I studied HVAC system design, noise control, sprinkler systems, instrumentation operation, thermodynamics 1 & 2,” he recalls. “I was so bright my professor let me skip in the book.” To pay for his schooling and living expenses, the Sandwich Nazi worked as a gigolo from the age of 14 to 29. What made him decide to become a male escort? “I don’t know,” he says, “I’ve never been in debt and I don’t like to be in debt. I was a cute thing, I guess. But at the age of 29, my beauty was fading, so I knew I wasn’t going to be a gigolo forever.” When asked why he isn’t an engineer anymore, Kahil responds, “I don’t take orders. Typical Lebanese attitude.” Because of his accident, Kahil was left with permanent injuries including

constant headaches and 2240 decibel tinnitus. “I have a grade two concussion, vessel changes in my brain, white spots on both sides, and I still function...isn’t that f***ing weird? I still show up for work. What an idiot! That’s what I call dedication.”

” ” Maybe I should start my own religion.

Kahil also has a passion for the homeless, so when he opened his deli 26 years ago he knew that it was the perfect way to help. “My motto,” he says, “Is give more, expect less, and you’ll always have extra.” On the last Saturday of each month, the Sandwich Nazi’s customers volunteer their time to make 250 sandwiches in less than an hour, and are rewarded with a sandwich for their efforts. After each sandwich is bagged with a fruit and a dessert, Kahil drives to East Hastings and Pigeon Park in downtown Vancouver and hands them out. “I’m not very religious,” he says, “It doesn’t matter how rich you are, I think people should always help people.We would have a way better society [if we didn’t] count on and blame the government to give. I [took a test from] my psychiatrist and I scored 55%... That means I’m legally mentally disabled in Canada. I love this country, anything to put you on welfare,” Kahil quips. “The government is too much of a big machine to look after people on the street, a lot of people like you and me. We can see it up close, instead of some govern-

By helping others, the Sandwich Nazi believes he was spared on the freeway. “Maybe I should start my own religion,” he quips. “All of the sandwiches I have been giving to the homeless people paid off.” Kahil looks around his bustling deli and declares, “I’m a very blessed man, “ then smiling, “and the best thing that happened to Canada.” You can taste the Sandwich Nazi’s meat at 19080-96th Avenue Unit 8 in Surrey.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Halloween candy.” -Joel Hagglund

LARISSA KROEKER

December 5, 2012

NEWS.

POTWOROWSKI VS.

SPENCER ” T E N “TH TESTA PRO A new religious studies course will be offered CHERI this spring seBROWN mester entitled “Christian Theology in Ecumenical Dialogue” (RELS 387 RP), to be jointly taught by Dr. Christophe Potworowski and Dr. Archie Spencer. Spencer is in his 11th year teaching at Trinity Western University in the Religious Studies faculty and the Graduate School of Theology. Potworowski

College just this September, after teaching at McGill University for 10 years. The two professors are not only colleagues, but good friends. They originally met by chance in 2003 on a bus in Italy, and have stayed in touch ever since. MARS’ HILL: I’ve always secretly wanted to come to RPC and explore — that’s why I wanted to meet here. I got here early and I was prowling around. CHRISTOPHE POTWOROWSKI: We gave you an excuse to do that. I’m surprised they let you in because

usually we have a rule about this. No Protestants. MH: I looked really innocent so no one checked my ID at the door. How did this idea of a joint class come about? ARCHIE SPENCER: We came up with the idea and developed the course together on major themes related to ecumenical discussion between Catholics and evangelicals and the practice of dialogue. For us, the main goal is to enliven and actualize our students towards an ecumenical dialogue that is fruitful and helpful. MH: That makes sense, the topic of the course also matches the structure of how it’s delivered, and that’s deliberate? CP: Absolutely, that’s exactly what we wanted to achieve. MH: How do your two styles complement each other? AS: He’s more laid back. I’m more of your passionate, in-your-face kind of guy. So that’s going to be an interesting dynamic. CP: I would say we trust one another. We kid around a lot, but beyond that we trust one another as a guide in this dialogue. I know I can trust him to explain his position in such a way

VS.

“THE CATH OLIC ”

that I can understand it and vice versa. That’s probably the most important experience that we want to communicate to the students, so they can see that this is possible. MH: I can see the value of that, considering the topic of the course. The dialogue will actually be modelled by a Catholic and a Protestant point of view? AS: It’s not a debate per se, but we may have a bit of fun with it. CP: Students will discover that we both love Christ in different ways and each one of us can therefore learn to love Christ more because of the dialogue. MH: Who is enrolled in the course? AS: Just over half are RPC students and the other half are from TWU. Students can take this course towards their core requirement for religious studies or as an elective. We encourage students to sign up. MH: The promotional poster says, “Ecumenical Heavyweights: Spencer vs. Potworowski.” This is especially funny because it’s opposite to your approach; it’s portrayed as a “battle of the professors.” AS: Exactly. That’s not what it’s about, but it plays up the fun side of us. CB: with Rocky music playing, “Eye of the

Tiger,” to go with the boxing theme. That might be the last thing people would expect at a RPC/TWU class. AS: I was thinking more of “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC… CP: It certainly communicates our excitement about this, even though the idea of a battle is not there. I think people realize this when they read the MH: Can you elaborate a bit on the concept of ecumenical dialogue? CP: For example, students can become friends but hit a brick wall because their experience of worship is different, even though they both love Christ. But if you really believe in Christ, it’s not just true for you, it’s true for all. There are students who are really committed to Christian faith and they don’t quite know what to make of their differences. How do we deal with that? AS: Yes, how does it work when both persons have a grip on the truth from different points of view? The key to this ecumenical dialogue is the friendship aspect. More and more I’ve begun to realize this whole course and experience was born out of a friendship that grew out of ecumenical dialogue we were having in Italy. Those

BP Agrees to Pay Damages

BP, the British oil company, agreed to a guilty plea on 14 criminal charges regarding the oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last year. The commonitored by the US government for the next four years. The oil spill pumped 4.9 million barrels into the Atlantic, 11 people were killed, and countless wildlife and residents have been affected by the disaster.

RELS 387: RP Christian Theology in Ecumenical Dialogue Tues, 6:00 - 9:00 pm - Jan 2013 Good things come in small cottages… sign up for the course today!

Murder-Suicide in WYOMING Morsi Declares Authority

On November 22nd, Egyptian president Mohamed Morsi boldly declared authority over the Egyptian courts. With this move, he no longer can be kept in line by the court system. Morsi claims this will help bring “political, social, and economic stability” to his country as it transitions under his rule. Many Egyptians strongly disagree, and protests have started up throughout the nation.

First Computerized Brain built by Canadian scientists from the University of Waterloo’s Centre for Theoretical Neuroscience. The brain, dubbed Spaun, is able to execute simple actions and distinguish symbols. Spaun was built from 2.5 million computer-simulated neurons—only a fraction of the human brain’s 100 billion neurons—and is hoped to improve our understanding of the cognitive powers of the brain.

are the roots of this whole discussion. MH: So this course really means a lot in several different ways. It’s a culmination of your partnership and friendship. CP: Yes. The whole idea of this course is not just inviting students into a personal friendship that we have, but it’s based on the belief that friendship can exist as an objective category. This is why we are interested in introducing this for dialogue. We believe that friendship is the right way to do dialogue. That’s what we want to propose to students. MH: To facilitate that, is there anything else you’d like to add? CP: We’re in it for the money. AS: In which case, I resign…!

On November 30th, a man holding a sharp-edged weapon killed a Casper College professor before killing himself. On route to the school, he also killed a pajama-clad woman on a city street. Police found the murderer and professor in a science lab after a lock-down. The killer was not a current student and no connections have been found.

DRINK Possibly Linked to Deaths Britain To stop aiding Rwanda

Britain has decided to stop funding one of its closest African allies, canceling over $34 million in aid. A recent United Nations report found that Rwanda has been supplying arms to a rebel group in the neighbouring Democratic Republic of Congo. The British government will most likely put the money towards charities or agencies rather than keeping it.

American federal health authorities are looking into reports that 13 people have died in connection to energy shot products. In the past four years, the Food and Drug Administration has received over 92 reports linking 5-Hour Energy to illnesses, hospitalizations, and deaths. An investigation has been launched and FDA doctors have advised to use caution when drinking caffeinated energy drinks.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Facial Expressions.” -Kristen Stewart

December 5, 2012

NEWS.

The story of one woman’s journey with Rahab. “He would always keep loaded guns in the house, even in the room where

Bondoc found herself in many abusive relationships over the years; her husband even jokingly condoning the abusive behavior her father

he would rape me.” Nilda Bondoc—56 year old, brown haired, soft faced—is one of the Salvation Army/Rahab partnership success stories. Rahab is a campus ministry, made up of female students, that focus on reaching out to the sexually exploited women of Vancouver’s downtown East Side, to give these women care, a voice, and an opportunity to promote awareness and change. During Rahab evenings, students put on events such as baking parties and spa nights. Each event is always centered around fellowship and relationship-building. “The activities we plan are just a way to break the ice, a way to connect over a similarly enjoyed activity,” says Victoria Wilkinson, a Rahab volunteer. “The real intention of us going downtown is to build relationships—to let the women know that we are willing to be a consistent presence on the downtown Eastside for them.” In a 2006 UNICEF study, it was reported that 85,000 to 362,000 children were victims of domestic abuse, and global estimates suggest 133 to 275 million children were victims of domestic abuse just that year. Bondoc recounts her own abuse starting at age eight, a year after her father won custody of her and her brother and sister. At age 15, when Bondoc started to resist the abuse, her father would threaten to kill her and emotionally abused her; manipulating her and calling her stupid. Bondoc confessed, “It took me a long time to realize that I truly wasn’t stupid.”

Bondoc soon left the marriage, after her husband claimed to hear a voice telling him to kill her. Following the incident he was taken by police and hospitalized.

HAYLEY GAYNOR

WHAT THE HILL

” ” The real intention of us going downtown is to build relationships.

With the support Bondoc has received through the Salvation Army program and her friends from Rahab Ministries, she’s found peace and acceptance for herself. Additionally, far more than just the women seeking ships formed through Rahab. “I wouldn’t call what I do downtown ‘working’ with women. Each Friday or Thursday when I go downtown, I’m going to meet with friends—friends who I care deeply about, and who care about me,” says Wilkinson. These relationships continue to expand and impact residents in the area. Though she is still recovering from addiction, Bondoc herself has passed on some of these values: “As a mom, which is my proudest achievement,” she says, “I know that

Union Vote Closes, Steps to Results Postponed a union We d n e s d a y, November 28 the polls for LARISSA the faculty KROEKER union vote closed. The vote was open to 276 faculty members but this number excluded several groups that Administration believes should have been included. Therefore, the results of the vote will not be calculated until it can determined if Administration’s desire for the governing body be expanded to 346 members is legitimate. According to an email from President Jonathan Raymond, “As ordered by the Labour Relations Board, that vote has been sealed. The vote will only be counted if the LRB determines that the bargaining unit as proposed by the Union is appropriate. Both the University and the Union will be making written submissions on this before December 14th. A further LRB hearing may then be required.” Recently President Raymond

Who is

Working Relationships

amazing individuals, even though I was struggling.” For more information visit twu.ca/life/ministries/

Parkside Pub in Huntley, Illinois has served up to 1,200 pounds of turkey testicles to 4,400 eager customers. There’s no way to truly know if this is a delicacy or a dare; either way, it takes balls to eat balls. Apparently they cook just like chicken but taste more like a deep fried mushroom. Maybe this Christmas you’ll think twice before caroling about “nuts roasting on an open fire.”

made public his own opinion on the union, stating, “I speak from past experience as a professor at two public universities where signing a contract meant immediately signing on with a union. I have found that a union changes the essence of what a university should be. It shifts the university from being missional to being focused on rights, and the well-being of students becomes secondary. That’s not what TWU is all about.” More importantly he also revealed that a body of faculty “have placed an option on the table that makes a union unnecessary. That option would give Bob Wood a chance to continue the good work last year.” There is still little word on what this 3rd option would require but it is becoming increasingly apparent that the process of potentially unionizing is as equally complex as is the issue itself.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

A minimum of 45% of support from faculty is needed to begin application from faculty is counted by the number who sign membership cards with CLAC. A second faculty vote is held once the 45% is met. If a minimum of 51% is reached, faculty forms a CLAC union. (TWU is currently determining if it has reached this stage). Supporters of unionization meet with CLAC-established union reps to draft contract proposals and elect members to bargaining committee. Negotiations between faculty and administration commence. Option for a raid is opened. (Raid = any union can come and get a majority from the CLAC union to form a new union)

The Christian Labour Association of Canada (CLAC) is an independent labour union that represents over 50, 000 workers and functions both as a union and a confederation of unions. Across Canada, there are

Their website states, “Aggression is not effective, dialogue [is what] gets results.” Their guiding principles include “respect, dignity, and fairness in the workplace rooted in [a] Christian foundation.” The CLAC maintains that they aren’t “af-

According to their website, this al-

group [and are not] only a union for people of a certain faith.” They have kept the word Christian in their name “because [our] guiding principles are shared in the faiths and social traditions of all sorts of people around the world.”

and administer collective agreements for their members... and have a constitution, bylaws, and elected

Ever thought a baby was so cute you just wanted to “eat them up?” U.K. artist Annabel de Vetten, known as Miss Cakehead, has successfully merged every single, middleaged woman’s two favourite things in the whole world, selling realistic-looking baby heads made from solid white chocolate. “I just pictured ‘dead, milky eyes and skin’ and hit the nail on the head, so to speak,” she says, “If someone doesn’t like the shape it’s in, they can just go buy a Mars’ bar.”

The next time you see a cutie on campus, watch out! A study led by Washington University found that people with personality traits known as the “Dark Triad”—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—are better than others at using clothing, makeup, and hairstyles to make themselves look attractive. Psychopathy is characterized by high stress tolerance, lack of fear, empathy, guilt, or remorse. Next time, before you ask someone out, step on a kitten to see if they cry. You can never be too careful.

New minister visits campus Student government meets with provincial government. On November 26, British Columbia’s newly LARISSA appointed KROEKER Minister of Advanced Education, Innovation, and Technology arrived at Trinity Western University in his 19th visit out of British Columbia’s 25 universities and colleges. Minister John Yap even made a point of meeting with TWU’s own government, TWUSA, to answer questions and impart his wisdom on the post-secondary system. Alberta’s government recently changed their student loan process, as they no longer ask for parental income information on their application form. In response, Minister Yap acknowledged the change in our neighbouring province and stated that BC has an “accessible and affordable” student loan system. 80 million dollars from the provincial budget

NELSON BERGEN

goes towards funding the student aid program. He maintained that changments on the student loan form is not on the table currently, but he will look at the budget next year to see if revisions need to be made. In regards to a partnership between Trinity Western University and British Columbia, Minister Yap private university, the government would like to collaborate with certain requests. By being a private institution, Yap said we have “more ability and privilege to run our university, as compared to others.” Some possible future collaborations involve the TWU Law school, access to other university libraries, transfer scholarships, and approving a student U-Pass program for public transit. Many of these ideas are even more relevant with the activation of the new express bus route from

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? ““An illegitimate child”” -Christoph Sanz

Langley to New Westminster. Minister Yap informed us that one the biggest projects for advanced education at the moment is a free online textbook program. Taking cues from California and Washington, the BC government is going to make the 40 most popular textbooks free the 2013/2014 school year. This way, students can download them on their iPads, laptops, and e-readers. Once the government gets a system in place for choosing popular textbooks, Yap promised that it would eventually be available to all post-secondary students. ing by declaring that “students are the future” and if anyone at TWU has questions, they should contact him via Twitter (@John_Yap).

December 5, 2012

ACADEMY.

CAMERON REED cameron.reed@mytwu.ca

A modest(y) proposal Sincere apologies to Jonathan Swift. It is a melancholy object to those who walk CLARK through our STROM campus, when they see our lounges and common arals, stressing over their cover, judging others less-dressed than they. These students, instead of being able to relish their comfort in cotton, are forced to follow the stringent social set from pressures of their peers. For too many years, the topic of modesty has been thrown around our campus. People claim that the more clothing worn, the more students are able to follow the righteous path, abstaining from glancing when they ought not to. There must be a problem. Why do sweats and yoga pants bring such discomfort? Why else would we continue to bring up this topic again and again? We should bare in mind, that our pattern has not succeeded so far, and we must bring to light this dirty laundry in a new way. Therefore, I give you a most modest, modesty proposal. Beginning with the new semester, each student is to wear a maximum of one article of clothing. This could be anything from a hat, to shoes, to a cape. The point here being: less is, in fact, more. If you would let me uncover the reasons behind this argument, I be-

beautiful than skin-deep. A campus wearing nothing is one

with nothing to hide. We would focus not on the parts revealed per the usual articles of clothing, but rather the parts of our lives we need to focus on. What better way to reveal your inner self than to literally reveal your outer self ? No longer will group discussion stead it will develop into a thread that goes on without a stitch. A campus stark is of an iron resolve. Can our temptation decline as we de-clothe? What is excessive cleavage to a colony of nudists? Should we let only one person cause us to stumble, when a thousand could force us that a king can rule with discernment, not liable to bribery, we wouldn’t need to check out when we check out at the library. A campus shorn is a campus warm. What greater way to bond seated spooning? The lounges are full of it already, so why not go all out— of our clothes? No more will bulky clothing stand in the way of determining the motivations of that guy from 7 Upper. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary change. My motive is to achieve the public good of my campus by advancing the intimacy of our communal interactions, opening up to each other in discussion, and givsies.

CHRIS MONTGOMERY

Reduction and emergence Even science says that who we are is more than what we do. For his inauguration as full professor on ADDISON November 15th, PASIUK physics professor and Chair of the Mathematical Sciences department, Dr. Arnold Sikkema, delivered a lecture entitled “Emergence(,) of a Physicist.” Encouraging against reductionism, Sikkema revealed that just as certain tion and velocity, so we must look beyond occupation and achievements in

the lives of others. the comma. Sikkema began his lecture with a brief autobiography of his beginnings in academics and a story of how he became faculty at Trinity Western University. His overwhelming attitude was that of gratitude for all those who had contributed to his growth as an academic and much more. It was remarkable to see how even many years later, Sikkema is still deeply thankful for the small and large roles his mentors and colleagues have played in his early career. The second is with the comma.

Sikkema discussed the concept of ery using a series of examples from of expertise—theoretical condensed matter physics. Emergence in these cases is an astonishing observation in nature that could not have been predicted, but required explanation after the fact.

”

Many things I know, I know not because I’m a physicist, but because I’m a person.

”

These examples show that there are more things in the world than a theoretical physicist could possibly predict by sitting in armchair or even by using past techniques of understanding. For instance, the electron is tricky. Its velocity and position have not been measured simultaneously. Does it have a velocity and position like a macroscopic entity? The answer is unobtainable, due to the limitation of human invention. Just because a

baseball’s path can be modeled using such a reductive technique, it does not indicate all particles can be predicted to have position and velocity. The uncertainty principle simply doesn’t allow for an electron to have both. Especially, in the world of science, such reductionism is in opposition to emergence. The main reason why things cannot be explained in a reductive manthat cannot answer certain questions. Sikkema comments, “Many things I know, I know not because I’m a physicist but because I’m a person. Being a physicist is only part of being a person.” You could replace physicist with philosopher, or chemist. The point is, just as we cannot understand the external world reductively, neither can we understand ourselves in such a reductive manner. Sikkema’s attitude of thankfulness and his discussion of emergence reveal that just like the electron, we are more than how we label ourselves professionally, or by what we do, because our stories are vast and the people we have met are as equally complex as we are.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Another month of Movember” -Jen Newman

December 5, 2012

ACADEMY.

Explaining and explaining away Some thoughts on human nature, sin, and grace.

RICHARD BERGEN

It is the systematic theologian in me that wants to do damage to

poetry.... Recently, I have been reading the great Christian epic by John Milton: Paradise Lost. It is a panoramic masterpiece of the fall of Satan, the creation of the world, and the fall of humanity, all in an elevated poetic style. For any work of literature I read, I always keep an eye on the treatment of human nature, sin, and grace. The same is true for my reading of Paradise Lost. In the past, I am usually relatively author as a Pelagian, Arminian, Calvinist, or hyper-Calvinist, but on this reading of Paradise Lost I have been foiled, so to speak. Milton insists very strongly upon human freedom, and election, prevenient grace, and predestination. Any attempt to place him in one theological camp or the other runs into contradiction and failure, as This preamble now proceeds to my thesis: whenever an author asserts the importance of God’s sovereignty and the necessity of God’s grace for the renewal of the will in one breath, and then the importance of human freedom and willful cooperation with God in the next, I think we should take both seriously. The same goes for reading the

Bible, although, admittedly, there are many authors who wrote it. And yet, both the book of Hebrews, and Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. Consider this passage for a moment: “He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:4-6). I would encourage my Arminian readers not to become defensive, but to soak in the truth in this passage (which carries this theme throughPaul is clearly conveying something he wants his readers to accept – and rejoice about! Don’t view this passage as an embarrassment to your notions about grace and will! Confront it face to face, and “hear what the Spirit sayeth unto the churches.” Ah, ah ah! Calvinists are not off the hook, either: “In the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame” (Hebrews 6:46). A fearful passage to be sure! But

whenever I see Calvinists discuss this passage, what they seem most fearful about is that it does not accord well their theology of the Perseverance of the Saints! They gloomily cross their arms muttering a “huhmm,” or they very eagerly pipe in with the objection that this passage refers to those who were never truly elect from eternity. NOTE: Along the same lines, I almost never see the doctrine of Limited Atonement taught explicitly in the Scriptures (or in Calvin’s Institutes!), of TULIP. Sometimes I feel as though passages like the ones quoted above are not taken seriously, or are taken far too seriously, in accordance with the theological commitments of the reader. What I mean is that they are tiously, or they are explained away. propose that we read the Bible “existentially.” I have become less and less concerned about winning arguments concerning human nature, sin, and grace (though anyone who knows me can attest that I have been a very enthusiastic arguer in the past!). Yet, I cannot help feeling that these doctrines are important. A way forward? Well, my brothers and sisters, for starters, I would exhort you all to stop trying to explain theology. I think God wants those passages right there, right where you and I don’t want them to be.

Illustration for John Milton’s Paradise Lost by Gustave Doré, 1866

The third side: justice |

LINDSAY DIJKMAN

For some, the timeline begins on November 8, when Israeli soldiers parad-

down a 12-year old boy. For others, the timeline begins on November 48 hours, lobbed from Hamas’ hands into Israeli land. No matter where you begin, faults can be found on both sides. In such a tragic and complicated situation, we must think carefully about God’s standards of righteousone side and extend exclusive sympathy to the other. Although I am (and believe we all should be) more projustice than pro-any-particular-side, I have developed a tougher attitude against the state of Israel. This is not for any anti-Semitic or pro-Hamas reasons, but rather, after spending six weeks in both nations, I have come

to believe that Israel simply has more options than Palestine. For this particular event we will start the clock on November 14, when after the Pillar of Cloud; the one that once watched over them during the Exodus and thus declares their commitment to God’s promised land. The recent clash began with the assassination of Hamas’ military chief, Ahmed Jabari. Over the next eight days, Israel launched an offensive (or defensive, depending on your perspective) against the 360 squarekilometre Strip. Palestinians, including Hamas loyalists and Islamic Jirockets into bordering cities. In all, 162 Palestinians and 6 Israelis lost their lives. While some terrorists were killed, so were bystanders. The majority of deaths were civilians caught in -

no means equates with a peace agreement. This is a tragic and complicated situation. But lets think for a minute about the sort of privileged attention and sympathy Israel receives. When terrorist acts occur against Israel, they cry out, and the world pays attention. TV stations are tuned in and international politicians pay attention to the injustice at large. However, when the terror goes the other way, so do the reactions. Everyone turns their heads away and Palestinians are left wondering what they have to do to get attention to their cause, and what to do under Israeli injustices. did, it leads me only to frustration. They have international leverage, they have strong voices who speak to ears that willingly listen, and most importantly they actually have the power to initiate some kind of peace process. -

all. I’m simply saying they have fewer options on what to do to get international attention than the nation with the upper hand. Israel has an increddoes not have (and may never have) over Israel. Furthermore, if Israel continues to pursue the same kinds of actions over and over, can they truly expect a different reaction from the other side? If they continue to pursue settlement building and then demand Palestinians’ only road to peace is through negotiations with them, can they truly believe that peace (of any kind) is attainable? Just because Israel seems to have the upper hand in this situation, it does not mean they have not experi-

reconciliation. We cannot allow countries—even chosen people to whom God revealed himself in the Old Testament– to use this potential and power for injustice rather than good. Especially since Israel enjoys this favourable status in the West as God’s historically chosen people, we must be willing to question their actions and hold them to a higher standard of righteousness. Consider Micah 6:8 as such a standard: “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” This standard doesn’t just apply for Israel and Palestine, but for us. We must think carefully about what exactly we are aligning ourselves with when throw support behind a

have, and unfortunately will continue role of the “bigger man” and initiate

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Tantric Massage Oils” -Dane Lloyd

December 5, 2012

ACADEMY.

I believe in Santa A story that brings a smile, or a fact that brings a tear?

WHITNEY VICENTE

“You know Santa isn’t real, right?” My teacher was speechless

grade. It was the last day of class before the Christmas holidays. Everyone was getting their jackets and saying good-bye for the vacation. I was telling my teacher what I had asked Santa for Christmas when my classmate came up behind us and dropped this bombshell right into the middle of our conversation, crushing forever my world of childhood wonder. Children have many wonderful capacities. One of these is the capacity to believe in benevolent magical bearound the world delivering presents in one night, or a rabbit that hides candy eggs, or a fairy who comes into their room while they sleep to exchange their abandoned teeth for money—it doesn’t faze them. But how can we—those in whom this capacity has long since staled and soured into cynicism or spite—how can we guide them into the “grownup” world without crushing this beautiful open-mindedness and ability to

on SHELF with Leanne Witten One of George MacDonald’s most well-known works, Lilith, tells the story of Mr. Vane: a man who, through a on an epic journey that causes him to stop and think about who he is, and what he really believes about life and faith. Mr. Vane, takes a visit to the library of his estate when he is suddenly, and

quite unintentionally, pulled into another world. Riddled with spiritual parallels, Lilith tional land, full of mystery, rich symbolism, and endless questions. If you are someone who has ever been taken in by any of C.S. Lewis’ books, this novel makes a great edition for your reading list. C.S. Lewis himself once said, “I have never con-

cealed the fact that I regarded him (MacDonald) as my master; indeed I fancy I have never written a book in which I did not quote from him.” There are numerous similarities between George MacDonald’s work and Lewis’s writings. One of the greatest elements of this book is that each chapter not only adds to the storyline, but is also a spiritual parallel to the reality of faith in the real world. Using skillful analogies, MacDonald employs the model of a story to address a broad spectrum of spiritual issues, ranging from work-based faith thought-provoking clarity. Near the end of the book, Mr. Vane comes face-to-face with the power of evil and how easily we as humans

believe in the extraordinary? I didn’t want to believe what she thing I felt was anger. She must be lying to me because everyone knows that Santa is real, right. I was in a daze as I put on my winter gear. I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone and I didn’t understand why anyone would lie about something so important. As I left the classroom my teacher gave me a hug goodbye and I couldn’t take it anymore. I left and walked home crying the entire way. I went straight to my mom who was sitting in our computer room and asked her point blank if Santa was real. Looking back, this moment will forever break my heart. A mother, my mother not wanting to lie to me, had to tell her six year old daughter that no, Santa wasn’t exactly real. She knew something was wrong instantly as I came up to her sobbing and income out of my mouth, a melancholy look came over her and she explained to me the terrible truth that mom and dad were Santa. To make matters even worse, I was logical kid. After a couple seconds of intense sobbing I proceeded to ask,

“What about the Easter Bunny?” I am sure this is the moment my mom knew that everything was going to come up now. “No, honey, the Easter bunny is me and daddy too.” This is when my mom started to cry right along with me, and I started to ask my last question. “Are you the Tooth Fairy, too?” In one day, within a couple hours my entire child-sized world of wonder came crashing down. All I could do was cry and hold onto my mom, who was crying right along with me. enough to listen to my mom she said something so beautiful I will never forget it. “Santa might not be a real person, but he is real and he will always be in our hearts.” And that is what I choose to believe. So someday when I have children of my own I will let them believe in everything for as long as they choose. And when the day comes that they come to me and ask me if Santa is real I will cry with them, and hug them, and tell them exactly what my mom told me.

what we know is wrong. His friend, Mr. Raven, wisely advises him, “Annihilation itself is no death to evil. Only good where evil was, is evil dead. An evil thing must live with its evil until it chooses to be good. That alone is the slaying of evil.” This is a crucial point for Mr. Vane, who then begins to realize that only when he recognizes that nothing good comes from within himself, can he truly choose to do what is good. MacDonald has a way of using the easy style of storytelling to probe at the heart of the reader, making for a compelling yet very comprehensible book. I highly recommend this book both for its captivating storyline, as well as its great insight.

DISPATCHES FROM THE LLC When one steps out of the Laurentian LeadTED ership Centre LEWIS at this time of year, one is struck with the utter surrealistic scenario of the space. It’s hard to believe that three short months ago, a group of fresh faced and eager

academic endeavours, some looking for a launch pad to cold, hard reality— arrived from thousands of kilometers away to a scene of unbridled beauty. Bright eyes in wind-brightened faces undertook whirlwind viewings of the cities tourist attractions and nightlife; of each and every day. Now, a more somber mood has settled into the mansion’s inhabittrees, the icing-sugar dusting of snow, and the chill wind that cuts through even the heaviest coats. Inside the house too, things have changed. Like our baser animal relations, we have

become accustomed to our surroundings, and to each other. The rooms which once whispered of ancient historical secrets have been silenced, their sibilating replaced by the frantic clicking of computer keys inscribing the arguments of essays and examinations. We’re a little more comfortable with one another, too. The egg-shells upon which we once tread have been swept, and there is frankness (both positive and negative) which pervades the interactions of these students, these men and women, living in community, about to say their last goodbyes. These ramblings don’t do justice to the complexity of this place, its residents, or its staff, nor do they (I should think) fully capture the projections of the LLC back in Langley. The truth is that the LLC is not only rewarding, but also trying. It is in every sense of the word a test of one’s mettle. Living with twenty others, working hours that are sometimes

insane, all while juggling academic commitments and the new attractions of a brand new social scene are all taxing to say the least. Deconstruction is a word that comes to mind. Yet these observations by no means mitigate the enormous positivity of the experience. Deconstruction, after all, allows for reconstruction, is that all the clichés available in English cannot sum up the fullness of our time hear. There is a certain je ne sais those closest to the experience. A good friend, attendant during this semester, made a great observation about the famed LLC time capsules which grace the nooks and crannies of the mansion. “They don’t really matter,” he said. “What matters is the time and the memory that you create.” So what was it like? Well, you’ll probably have to come here to

KAT GRABOWSKI

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Diet Pills” -Erin Thorpe

December 5, 2012

ACADEMY.

An angel, a priest, and a preteen girl “And Mary said, ‘Behold, I am the servant TRAVIS of the Lord; let it HEIDE be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38). The Gospel of Luke contains a clever parallel. At the same time that Mary was visited by the angel of the Lord with news of her pregnancy with Jesus, her friend Elizabeth’s husband, Zacharias, was also visited by Gabriel with news of his wife’s miraculous pregnancy. Their replies are almost identical, “How shall this be?”—Mary had not yet consumated with Joseph and Zacharias was old and infertile. But the Lord perceived a difference in their hearts. He shames Zacharias and mutes him; contrastingly in the case of Mary he provides her with an explanation. This comes as a bit of a shock, considering that Zacharias was a revered elder of a priestly order dating back to King David, and Mary was only about 12 years old. Surely he would know how to address an angel better than she. But we are reminded that despite Zacharias’ advanced learning and experience, it is faith, not intellectual prowess, which saves. God does marvellous things with the humble. Mary certainly demonstrated bravery in her conversation

Somehow, amid Christmas carols, lighting advent candles, and re-enacting scenes from the Nativity, I always seem to lose sight of one of the most essential and revolutionary aspects of our faith which this season, of all, should celebrate: the Incarnation—the uniquely Christian claim that God, who is God, became man,

CAMERON REED

While the church fathers wrote treatises on this topic, I just want to share a few implications of this incredible reality that I have been thinktime this season. By becoming a Jewish man, by stepping into culture and history, Jesus redeems humanness. He provides a model, a second Adam, for what a human really looks like. Suddenly, things that explore what it means to be a human and live in the world—art, music, stories, or disciplines like history and philosoof Christ. Right now, these realms of inquiry are incredibly displaced. We have trouble understanding beauty and what it means to be a human. In the Incarnation, however, Christ provides a model for what a human was created to be. In the Incarnation, God ennobles and redeems our bodily existence. The pleasures and pains of being an animal are no longer just lusts of the

with the Gabriel—a trauma which had typical heroes like Daniel and Abraham shaking in their sandals! In the original Greek, her posture is described as “the Doulae”—“the slave” of the Lord. She did not fully understand His intentions but pledged her obedience to them nonetheless. Indeed, scripture’s recording of Mary’s reaction gives us a righteous model to follow ourselves: where the Word of God was presented to Mary in the form of an angel, today that same Word is presented to us through the Bible. We are like both Zacharias and Mary, faced with a decision to doubt lenges: evidence contrasting the accuracy of the Bible’s recorded miracles, paradoxes between concepts like free will and election, and questions from professors and students that we simply cannot answer. But 2 Timothy 3:16-17 urges us to press on, and not abandon the study of Scripture. Like Zacharias, who through his years of practice gained the privilege of serving in God’s Temple, we must recognize that often our understanding is preceded by faithful obedience. Remember, even the most skilled hermeneutic comes to understand God’s special message to him through

in their proper place. The gifts of being a human in the world—eating and drinking, sunsets and sex—are all just that, gifts: means by which we can receive of God’s grace in the world. The world was created good, and we were created to enjoy and steward its goodness. We don’t have to dismiss our tion of evil compared with our mental and spiritual sides (like Gnostics did in the past and do today). Rather, Christ, in the Incarnation and Resurrection, is our model for how the two sides are redeemed together. The same goes for the rest of the created world. The old church father Athenasius, writes about how that same Christ who, as God’s Word was present at the creation of the universe and contains it in himself, also stepped into this world. chunk of matter suspended in the Milky Way, is also somehow full of God’s Word. Christian tradition has, for centuries, called this the “book of Creation,”—how creation itself Christian voices like poets Margaret Avison, Denise Levertov, or Wendell Berry also write of the wisdom of God on display in the created world around us. This is by no means an exhaustive exploration. But, in a season of much to meditate on the redemptive implications of this scandalous act of grace out with us.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “An alarm clock” -Harmony Pilke

time and silence left open for the Holy Spirit to intervene. Even then, the concept of faith also implies that God doesn’t give us every answer (Romans 9:20; Psalm 132). Like Mary, we must submit some mysteries to faith. The miraculous Virgin Birth, asserted by the Apostles’ Creed, is one of these mysteries. Other parts of was clearly not just a natural process. Jesus himself, our Scripture interpreter par excellence, poses a question: “How can they say that Christ is David’s son?” In Psalm 110:1, David calls him Lord. How can he be his son too? (Luke 20:41-44). Obviously Jesus is suggesting there is a paradox here. Christ can be seen as David’s son through the heritage of his bloodline, but what supports the other side of this paradox? The Virgin Birth: proof that Christ is also divine. The Word of God not only offers us knowledge, but also prompts us to offer ourselves as His perfect servants. So David’s words in Psalm 119:11, “I have stored up your word in my heart that I won’t sin against you,” are echoed by the evangelist concerning Mary: “And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart” (Luke 2:51).

only do so much in the most wintery of wonderlands. Look at the ancient Vikings—Santa’s very own compatriots: pretty much all Christmas break they bunkered down in their mead halls named after their festive drink of choice. This tradition, however, has lead to a bit more than lampshades on heads in its time. The usually joyful exclamation, “This Christmas party is a riot!” might be more literal than you’d realized. The Eggnog Riot of 1826 lasted two days: whiskey was smuggled into the United States Military Academy on December 23, and next thing anyone knew, twenty cadets were court-martialed, Jefferson Davis wouldn’t stop singing, “Say, what’s in this drink?” from “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” and almost everyone had a wicked hangover. If your drink doesn’t warm you up in more ways than one, you’re not doing Christmas right.

THE SOCK GIFT

THE SPIKED PUNCH

As long as there have been drinks, there has been something stronger to put into them. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “What has this got to do with Christmas?” Well, eggnog is perhaps the most commonly spiked beverage—I mean, it’s in the name and everything! The intoxicating ingredients, in fact, put the “nog” in eggnog. “Noggin” comes from a Middle English word for a small, carved wooden mug used to serve alcohol. Perhaps this is due to the extremely cold weather often experienced during the Christmas season; curling up

Behold, the lamest of all the possible Christmas gifts. Nothing says disappointment like a package of tube socks that never deserved to make it under the tree and should have gone directly into your underwear drawer. This ancient Christmas tradition has come to symbolize the disenchantment of childhood: Christmas is sugar-coated with blind optimism that will frankly do quite little to prepare children for the struggles of the other 11 months of the year. And while you can’t demoralize a child with the sucker-punch to the spirit that is the “Santa isn’t real” talk, it is possible to gently acclimate children to the harsh realities of life through the unprecedented disappointment that is the gift of socks. Congratulations! You’re feet are warm and your heart is cold: you are ready to function as an adult! However, the sock-giving tradition has only recently acquired invented in the 8th century BC by the Ancient Greeks, but by the 5th century AD, socks called “puttees” had come to be a symbol of purity in Europe. You know what they say: if your toes are secure, you’re a virgin for sure (they don’t really say that). By 1000 AD, socks were a symbol of wealth, so obviously a great Christmas present. In fact, George Washington led his troops on a surprise Christmas attack during the American Revolution that was probably motivated by his soldier’s desire for socks; at one point in the campaign, only one third of them owned a pair, and morale was never lower. Remember, you never know what your mommy went through to get you those socks, so don’t you complain!

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “A lump of coal” -Josiah Martinoski

THE GRANDMA KISS

December 5, 2012

LE CH SS A RI TH H ST A IS M N TO AS -TR R Y A TR D O AD ITI F O IT N IO A N L S

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THE TEMPER TANTRUM

HO LI DA Y!

might be a little ‘frustrated’ during the Christmas season. And you know what that means—they’ll use any excuse to make pretty much anything sexy. With complete disregard for the fact that Santa is a saint, (For Nicholas’ sake!), parents will make more than visions of sugar-plums dance, if you know what I mean.

RO Y

dma kiss was not in by a grandma, but a caught on that there hay in the manger; sus loved it so much ed grandmas everynear-irresistible urge tradition.

enthusiastic Yule-tide yelling could get them, and if they could convince their parents to get them a kingdom, who wouldn’t aim (and scream) high when it comes to their Christmas wish list? Just don’t push it too far; John IV Lascaris of the Restored Eastern Empire was deposed and blinded on Christmas 1261 because he just wouldn’t stop crying when he didn’t get the skateboard he wanted.

N ON -D EN OM BE IN TH AT IO AN N A Y

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What’s less sexy than an old, beardy man who lives in seclusion and only comes out to reveal his onesie-clad belly once a year? And just to clarify, no body part should ever be accurately likened to jelly. Well, challenge accepted. The ability to successfully “work” the most awkward of appearances has long been considered a rite of passage amongst women. Cleopatra VII didn’t get herself just any man, but Julius freaking Caesar, and she met him wearing a carpet. The rug got her past his guards, into his heart, and she managed to keep her Egyptian kingdom as a result of the affair. Granted, she probably wasn’t wearing much under the carpet, but hey, strategy is strategy. Although Jesus had not been born at this point in history, I’ll bet Caesar felt like it was Christmas. Any woman that aspires to gain the prestige—and presents—that Cleopatra enjoyed knows the easiest way to give her wish list top priority: throw on some lip stick (and not very much else) and start crooning “Santa, Baby.” If this is starting to make you feel uncomfortable, allow me to knock that sentiment up a notch by mentioning the less seductive/manipulative side of the Sexy Santa tradition. At this point in the year, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is in full swing, and while the kids have been livin’ the life of gingerbread cookies

Ah yes, the sounds of crunching snow, heart-warming carols, ringing bells, and screaming children. Kids, we get it: Christmas is a stressful time of year. You have to buy presents, double-check addresses of almostforgotten friends and send out those cards, drive on slippery roads, cook a meal that can impress the in-laws, and—oh, wait, no. Kids don’t have to deal with any of that. Then why are they so upset? It is important to remember that holiday howlers are not necessarily verbalizing seasonal stress, but simply participating in a time-honoured tradition of tantrums. Some of the most skilled Christmas criers managed to wrangle whole kingdoms as gifts on December 25th; Charlemagne was crowned the Holy Roman Emperor in 800, Stephen I founded the Kingdom of Hungary in 1000, William the Conqueror became king of England in 1066, Baldwin of Boulogne took the throne in Jerusalem in 1100, and Roger II became the monarch of Sicily in 1130. These

HA PP Y

tempted go the mist this inevitably goes f this parasitic and es lead you to lock r Christmas sweetortant to remember obligations go both

THE SEXY SANTA

ngs about Christmas ic trees (You aren’t e!), Christmas letfamily is that pers nose (I’ve looked hat kind of thing just naturally). But before ope around with the e Brown, remember radition that is a beaan increasingly comd fallacious world: Kiss. Regardless of was actually born in t cashier was ordered greet all customers n insincere “Happy can always trust the genuineness of your odwill for you. This r the best of the sea-

December 5, 2012

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? "English lessons" -Jon Chan

December 5, 2012

ARTS & CULTURE. Perhaps you’re wondering if, after his last EMMA Christmas alSPANJER bum, there are any songs left. Well, Sufjan Stevens has responded to our doubt with a resounding, “YES!”, and indeed, he’s

Silver and Gold appears to be another Christmas miracle. Just like 2006’s Songs for Christmas, this is a stranger-than-ever collection of the familiar, the obscure, and a few trademark originals from our beloved Indie King. Everything about Silver and Gold is immediately odd. A lovely rendition of “Sleigh Bells” is interrupted by a techno breakdown, while “Angels we have heard on High” strays to ask, “Have most outlandish song is “Christmas Unicorn,” in which Sufjan declares, “Oh I’m a mystical apostasy/I’m a horse with a fantasy twist/though I play all night with my magical kite/ people say I don’t exist.” We have come to expect this sort of thing from Sufjan but that doesn’t make it any less shocking when he starts singing

Christmas time is here! If the weather outANDREW side is frightSTEWART ful and you’re looking to have yourself a merry little Christmas, be sure to check out some of these holiday classics and have a happy Xmas (war is over):

funny, clever, and charming take on the Santa Clause myth and I’d highly recommend it to anyone looking for a fun Christmas tale.

The Muppets Christmas Carol – Easily my favourite Christmas movie of all time. The Muppets are hilarious,

from director Henry Selick is a delight during any season of the year.

Michael Caine is the perfect Scrooge. This movie has everything you could possibly want. I watch it every year and I never get sick of it. You won’t either. How The Grinch Stole Christmas!/The Grinch I mean, nobody likes the Grinch, but

The Nightmare Before Christmas – Christmas movie as it is a Halloween

Love Actually – This is one of those multi-plot-line-power-cast-characteroverload-intertwining-stories movies like New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Love Actually include character development, heart warming endings, British accents, and actors who can act!

about tangoing with frisky frosty men just as the notes to Bach’s “How Shall This album isn’t all laughable, as the real bright spots are some of Sufjan’s serious Christmas originals. A few true standouts include a haunting song titled “Barcarola (You must be a Christmas Tree)” that could very well have been something off of 2003’s Michigan. Possibly autobiographical, it begins as the story of an innocent would-be romance, but by the end Sufjan slowly and tunefully whispers; be back again/you said you needed me/but I know that you needed yourself to be clean of me”. It’s so very Sufjan; dreadfully sad, yet somehow it manages to elicit joy. Another standout beauty is “Justice tual song in which Sufjan laments wasted time on earth and wonders albums has two or three songs like this—songs that make us think about ourselves and Christmastime and just how pleasant life can be. So yes, it’s weird. Those of us who unapologetically prefer a traditional

It’s A Wonderful Life – This Christmas classic is considered one of the A must-see for anyone who has ever thought that the world might be better off without them. A Charlie Brown Christmas – Another perennial holiday classic. A Charlie Brown Christmas not only gave us the song “Christmas Time Is Here,” but also introduced us to the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, and haven’t we The Santa Clause – The sequels may have plumbed new depths of awful, but who can deny the charm of the down memory lane and reminisce about when Tim Allen still had a career.

Die Hard – You may be surprised all do. The original television special is always the preferred version (Boris Karloff is brilliant), but if you need something with a little more substance, you can always go the Jim Carrey route. I won’t judge you. Arthur Christmas – Chances are you haven’t seen Arthur Christmas. Why not Animation feature (the guys behind Wallace & Gromit) came out last year and pleasantly surprised me. It’s a

Christmas movie, but many consider it to be their favourite Christmas movie of all time! If you’re one who prefers “Yippee-ki-yay” to “Ho ho ho,” this

Dr. Who Christmas Specials – Watch your favorite Ood-loving, world-saving, fez-wearing, bow-tierocking, time-traveler in the Doctor Who Christmas specials. After watching these, you’ll never trust another Christmas tree again.

Elf – Will Ferrell stars as an elf named Buddy who restores people’s belief in Santa. And there’s a talking your dad!”

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Canadian money” -Sean Ghormley

EMMA SPANJER emma.spanjer@mytwu.ca Christmas carol might reject it, but if you’re either an unconditional Sufjan believer or simply think Christmas songs titled “Particle Physics” sound like fun, give it a listen and it will turn into love. I guess we just need to accept Sufjan’s need for unconventional album assemblage and appreciate the variety. If you should so choose, the boxed set comes with stickers, song rary tattoos of glittery pin-up girls in sexy elf attire. One senses that Sufjan truly doesn’t mind how his music is received, and it’s that assurance that makes this album so easy to appreciate. Your parents might call it sacrilege, but we know that Sufjan Stevens’ spiritual interests lead to some of the most simple and divine tunes, Christmas or not, that we will ever know. Silver and Gold is certainly no exception.

December 5, 2012

A&C.

I’m sorry what? Bronies. This group is almost inesc a p a b l e — the EVAN shirts, arm DAVIES bands, internet memes—if Dawkins was dead, he’d be rolling in his grave. Their motto, “Love and tolerate,” rings on their lips, while they insult the inner workings of their social clique. They’ve been covered by Fox News and CNN. Who are they? What are they? And more importantly; how did they become this popular? Members of this group calls themselves “Bronies,” a combination of the words “bro” and “pony.” Essentially, they are fans of the long standing series My Little Pony, now titled My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Take as long as you need to wrap your head around that fact. The fan-base usually falls between the ages of 13 and 30 and is predominantly male. Females sometimes engage in the Brony community, or another group called “Pegasister,” a clever little name that combines the words “pegasus” and “sister.” Earlier

this year, in New York City, a group of about four thousand Bronies met together at a convention affectionately called “BronyCon.” When CBC news asked a man why he was a fan of the show, he said “It’s a step away from everything in life.” The trend is part of a larger “New Sincerity” movement, that combats the cynascism projected by hipster culture. Few remember 1980’s My Little Pony with open arms and open hearts, yet the Transformer franchise is hailed as being a great addition to any childhood by both male and female alike. Now the paradigm has shifted: major reviewers such as Roger Ebert offer while critics almost unanymously celebrate My Little Pony. Maybe it’s because pastel ponies say more about the goodness of friendship than do cars-turned-killer-robots, or maybe it’s due to of the show’s rebirther: Lauren Faust. If you asked anyone who Lauren Faust was before 2010, few would know, despite the impact she has had. The Powerpuff Girls, Foster’s Home for

Imaginary Friends, and even the 1999 Iron Giant Faust on them. It’s almost impossible to have escaped the Faust touch. The ponies are voiced by a strong talent. Voice actress Tara Strong was the voice of Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents, and she now stars as Twilight Sparkle. Voice actress Ashleigh Ball, who currently stars as Rainbow Dash and Applejack, is actually the lead singer in the Vancouver based band Hey Ocean!. Lead composer Daniel Ingram has worked on shows

such as Martha Speaks, and notable guest star John de Lancie gained his fame by playing Q from Star Trek and Desmond’s dad from Assassin’s Creed. Despite its wide success, the Brony community is not without its famous haters. Radio host Howard Stern spent 13 minutes insulting and making false generalizations about the Bronies. Fox News has made several negative jabs at the Brony community, on one occasion comparing them to terrorists. Although the Brony community

is nearly inescapable online, there is something to be said about the community in this day and age. Is anything really wrong with a group of men falling in love with a TV show that stars pastel-coloured ponies discovering the magic of friendship? In the words of Lauren Faust, “I didn’t create this show for little girls, I created it for little girls and their parents—including male parents. It only stands to reason that adult animation fans without children may like it, too.”

Holiday Cheer: Free and from here

In November, Wayfarer re-

Five local bands you need to know Because Canada is more than Bieber. Music is often created out of more than just ANDREW the soul—it PARKER comes from the landscape in which we live. So there’s something indescribably personal about listening to an album that’s born in the same place you are. Check out this talent and join in the songful dialogue of your local nieghbourhood. The Zolas Vancouver pop-rock band The Zolas was formed in 2008 by the charismatic duo Zach Grey and Tom Dobrzanski. In October of this year, The Zolas released their sophomore album Ancient Mars, following the success of their 2009 release, Tic Toc Tic. The band mixes catchy pop riffs with deep, genuine, poetic lyrics to create a

sound that feels familiar but manages to stand apart from their contemporaries. Check out “Knot in My Heart” We Are The City Originally from the Kelowna area, this three piece alternative rock band has been carving out quite a niche for themselves in the Canadian music scene. Don’t let their small numbers fool you, We Are The City’s sound is massive and their live show is phenomenal. The band formed in 2008, and a year later they came out with In a Quite World. In 2011 the band released a sixsong EP, entitled High School, to much praise. We Are The City is currently in the studio recording a new album. Check out “Happy New Year” Hey Ocean Catchy pop trio Hey Ocean has

been capturing fans throughout Canada and even the US with playful songs and beautiful harmonies. Through charming, exciting live shows and the 2008 release of It’s Easier to Become Somebody, Hey Ocean has managed to become one of Canada’s top up-andcoming bands. Hey Ocean’s latest LP, IS, hit shelves earlier this year, following the successful release of the Big Blue Wave EP (2011). Check out “Big Blue Wave” Japandroids This gritty East Vancouver twopiece is all rock and roll. Formed in 2006, Japandroids are powered by distorted guitar and pounding drums and a live show that is, at a minimum, high energy. In the midst of a host of EPs, tours, and singles, the band managed to release their debut LP, Post-Nothing (2009). In 2012, their

second album, Celebration Rock, was released and has been praised worldwide. Japandroids is currently on tour, and will be playing in Vancouver at the Rickshaw Theatre on the 22nd of December. Check out “Fire’s Highway” Dan Mangan Vancouver’s Dan Mangan is carving a path in the Canadian SingerSongwriter/Folk scene with his latest album Oh Fortune. In 2005, Mangan Postcards & Daydreaming, kick-starting his career. His 2009 release of Nice, Nice, Very Nice garnered him iTunes Album of the Year in the Singer Songwriter category, and XM the Verge’s Artist of the Year. Mangan is a high energy performer who holds nothing back on stage. Check out “Robots”

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “A slap chop” -Mitch Fraser

Christmas track, a rendition of the traditional carol “The Holly & the Ivy,” featuring, per usual, all original music. The song stays true to the band’s folk sound, but the highlight of the release is the cover of the Beach Boys song “Time To Get Alone”—it’s poppy and heartwarming and, well, Beach Boysie. Available on noisetrade.com, these tracks are accompanied by a live, acoustic version of “The Holly & the Ivy.” So if you need a few new holiday tunes (which you do if you’re still listening to the Mariah Carey Christmas album), head to http:// www.noisetrade.com/wayfarer for your free download.

December 5, 2012

A&C.

The expected journey From the book to the big screen.

EMMA SPANJER

Since director Peter Jackson announced his role in turning J.R.R Tolkien’s

brief assistance. An understanding of John Ronald Reuel Tolkien’s world is pivotal to the understanding of his writing. The

dwarves in search of a long-ago stolen heritage of treasure. Before the tale -

tures.

Tolkien uses his experiences of a fast-

lore.

grew up during the turn of the cenothers are envisioning the adventure perial power of the world. Orphaned

harboured version of ‘Riddles in the see far less of that evil than in the -

Peter Jackson’s devotion to Tolkien’s

A meal for apartment dwellers Life is easy after all.

KATIE BOLDERHEIJ

classes are winding -

chicken breasts 2 tbsp. peanut butter -

the chicken so the entire surface has dish that also happens to be delicious.

chicken to coat.

Arrange chicken in a shallow bakpeanut sauce.

Adapted from Leslie Beck’s Healthy Kitchen.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Spartans Hockey tickets” -Mitch Sorensen

CREATIVE.

FFFFWWWWS

Matt Rubuliak

Small Deaths I’ve been thinking lately of the small deaths we suffer. And about how nobody tells you about this when you are young. Nobody tells you that each Christmas the magic dies a little bit. Nobody warns you that you will have to plan your birthday or it will be just another day, and sometimes you’ll just be happy that somebody remembered to tell you to your face. Nobody tells you that these are the days, cherish them. We all are just eager to grow, to make it to the next mark, to experience.

Anna Funk

One day it will just hit you while you’re standing there looking at the price of cheese and you’ll wonder if there will ever be a time again when your groceries are bought for you and your clothes are washed for free. And you’ll wonder how many things you’ve lost and haven’t realized it yet. And it will surprise you. That loss. That feeling. How large and empty it feels. It’s how I would describe growing up. The tragedy of it is so apparent at times. But then you’ll make a meal. Or you’ll open your fridge. And you will know that you did that. you’ll smile at your becoming.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “A punch to the groin” -Taylor Strom

December 5, 2012

inspired by

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December 5, 2012

SPORTS.

CAMERON STUERLE cameron.stuerle@mytwu.ca

Ladies see streak snapped The Spartans women’s volleyball team’s CAMERON banner year STUERLE was interrupted by a setback on the weekend, as TWU split a two match series at UBC-Okanagan. The Spartans went into the weekend riding a nine match winning streak and looked to continue their run of momentum into a pair of road dates with the Heat. The Spartans were on a very impressive run of 21 consecutive sets won but saw that streak come to a halt in the

mistakes and were unable to force matching mistakes down the stretch from UBC-O, as the Heat closed on a 9-4 run to snap TWU’s streak. The Spartans rebounded very impressively in the second and

Both teams looked sluggish out of the gate but the Spartans especially so. The Spartans committed several service errors that were compounded by mistakes at the attack line, some poor passes and a few poor sets. In spite of the sloppiness, the Spartans were able to win points and keep pace with UBC-O thanks to some great attacks by Royal Richardson and Amy Ott. The Spartans were also helped along by the Heat’s own errors which allowed the two teams to trade points and keep pace with each other. The Spartans unfortunately became unraveled again by

Perrin. Brown tallied a pair of aces to help the Spartans polish off one of its best looking runs of the season. The big second set proved to be fool’s gold however, as the Spartans were unable to carry the wave of points toward the end of the match. The Spartans played close in the fourth once again and fought off one set point at the end; however, Perrin hit into a two-lady block to score the decisive point for the Heat. The Spartans then wilted again in the fourth set as a close battle turned into a mini blowout as the Heat stretched a 13-13 tie into an impressive 25-17 win to

that had them ranked at number one. The two teams went back and forth in a close set until Amber Brown got to the service line with the Spartans down 12-13. The Spartans unleashed an exhilarating 13-0 run including kills from Richardson (of course) as well as a lovely dump set from Kelci

take the match. The loss and the end of TWU’s win streak was sobering, but the Spartans deserve credit for rebounding well the next night. The Spartans returned the favour with a four set win that included very impressive set wins of seven and 12 points. The Spartans one set loss was rather disconcerting as TWU only managed 12 points in the second frame. However, the Spartans were able to escape from Kelowna by winning a the match and start a new win streak. The loss dropped TWU out of the top spot in Canada West and into a second place tie with Alberta. The loss will likely also cost TWU its coveted number one ranking. That shouldn’t be a problem though; the top four teams from Canada West will qualify for nationals and the Spartans have already proven they can beat the likely new number one UBC. The Spartans will take a four week break for the Christmas season and will re-emerge with a four game home standing starting with Brandon on January 10. SCOTT STEWART

Spartans cool down the Heat Spartan volleyball fans who watched Trinity CAMERON Western UniSTUERLE versity’s games this past weekend saw a sight for

returned to the court. Offereins had missed the entire season up until this point with an ankle injury, but at long last he was able to ditch his What was interesting, however, was the way in which coach Ben Josephson used Offereins in his return. Before getting hurt, Offereins had been the team’s setter for the PanAm cup back in the preseason. However, even with Offereins back in the fold, Josephson stuck Plocktis. Plocktis, playing in his hometown of Kelowna, responded

with another huge, dare I say Ben Ball-esque, weekend. Plocktis recorded a total of 81 assists over nine sets of action to help lead the Spartans to a big weekend sweep on the road. Steven Marshall, who also dealt with a leg injury earlier in the year, has begun rounding into form as his kill totals have continued to climb as well. The Spartans did not play particularly well; they certainly were not up to their usual standard. There were errors-a-plenty on the attack line, the service line, and at the net, as the Spartans let a middling team hang around in both matches. Luckily the Spartans got some clutch hitting from the likes of Lukas van Berkel and Daniel Jansen van Doorn to help put away both matches and get the sweep. Coach Josephson is now faced

how to set his rotations to get OfferPlocktis’ hot hand. Look for coach Josephson to experiment with his substitutions after the Christmas six players work the best together. With Offereins back and Marshall clearly now at 100%, the Spartans are beginning to look like the overwhelming preseason championship pick they were tabbed to be three months ago. The sweep, combined with a Brandon loss on the weekend, put TWU into sole possession of second place in the Canada West. The Spartans will return from the break with a series against those Brandon Bobcats, which could go a long way toward determining the host team

UN-HAPPY TIMES Somber Trails to a Tragic Weekend in Sports! In light of the several tragedies that occurred over the weekthe world lost over the weekend. In light of the heavy and sensitive nature of the events that unfolded in the past few days, I am axing the jokes of the birthdays and anniversaries. jerus died at the age of 64; Majerus’ death due to heart failure is particularly poignant for me after I made a joke about Majerus and his weight in an article for Mars’ Hill last year. Hearing about Majerus’ passing brings forth the sad reality of obesity and dealing with the health issues that go along with it. I promise to be more sensitive in the future when writing about a person’s weight. On Saturday night, a man fell 40 feet from the concourse at Bank of America Stadium in Raleigh, NC during the ACC Championship game. He is said to be seriously injured and in critical condition so keep him in your prayers. Additionally, a Cleveland Browns staff member committed suicide at the team’s practice facility on Sunday morning. Most shocking and depressing of all though, is obviously, the sad story of Jovan Belcher. Belcher, a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs, shot and killed his girlfriend on Saturday morning before driving to Arrowhead stadium and taking his own life in a broken human being. It is also hard to mourn Belcher, knowing he had taken the life of another person. A tribute is certainly out of the question given what the WWE went through with the This was a terrible tragedy and one that only God understands. Belcher and his murdered girlfriend leave behind a three-month old daughter who will now grow up an orphan. While you’re busy this week, spare a thought for that girl; pray that she won’t have to grow up surrounded by pain, constantly having to ask God, “Why?” clinging to life, may God grant their souls rest and provide reconciliation for the mistakes they made while on this earth.

SCOTT STEWART

What’s one most Christmas giftfor youthis never want“Events to receive? “An impersonal gift card” --Brooke Fraser What are you excited year? like the Banana Challenge” Jen Newman

SPORTS.

December 5, 2012

Spartans break defensive records Women’s basketball’s big night highlights struggling season.

Where to even begin with CAMERON this one? The Spartans, after STUERLE plodding along for most of the season and allowing losses to pile up, had a breakthrough performance on Saturday night. The Spartans, coming in with a futile 1-8 Canada West record reaped the rewards or the most inept offensive performance I have ever seen at any level of basketball. The Spartans got their second win of the season, defeating Brandon 74-23. No, that isn’t a typo; Brandon scored 23 points in an entire game. The Spartans really didn’t have to do much to earn their second victory of

the season. Sure they hit a few shots every now and then; the team had its most productive night of the year shooting the ball, hitting 51.6% from three-point range. The Spartans had led by Emily Knauff who tallied 14 points and nine boards. This game tude of the Spartans opponent and the box score comedy that ensued. It bears mentioning that Brandon is a terrible team. The Bobcats are the only winless basketball team in Canada West (every men’s team has at least one win) and have now been held under 40 points in six out of its 10 games this year. However, 23

points is a brand new low, the only time they have been under 30. It is also a brand new low for the Spartans as 23 points is the new record for the fewest points ever allowed in a game, breaking the old record of 32 set against Victoria in 2002. Brandon made nine shots the entire night out of 54 attempts. That calculates to a new record low for a Spartan opponent- 16.7%... woof. A good way to measure a team’s offenof assists to turnovers. Brandon’s coaches will likely want to burn the portion of the box score that displays that stat as the Bobcats committed nearly six times as many turnovers compared to assists.

Remember my article on the NCAA basketball marathon and the comedic ineptitude on display in the Stony Brook-Rider game? Brandon’s performance was basically that on steroids. Brandon also became the to reach double digits in any of the So what does this all mean? Not much actually. I’d love to write this and say this will be the point when the Spartans turn the corner and have a good season after all. I remain skeptical. The Spartans have now won two out of the last three contests which is notable, it’s certainly better than being winless with seven notches in the loss column. How-

ever, the Spartans got these two wins playing what may be the only two teams worse than they are. Don’t call me a hater, the records back me up.

last year it has been disappointing to see this team fail to build on that momentum. The Spartans can breathe a little easier now with a pair of wins under their belt, but the reality remains that they are in danger of that went 3-25 in 2010-2011. In spite of their historically lopsided win, there is a lot of work to be done, the season isn’t lost yet but even with the team seemingly back on track, the danger of a lost season looms.

SCOTT STEWART

Spartans collect win and loss on weekend Men’s basketball team loses to Cougars; defeats Bobcats. Cats can be annoying— especially ANDREW PATTERSON when they’re walking on your keyboard when you’re trying to write an article. But the Spartans recently discovered that cats can be annoying in basketball as well. The Spartans had one cat lovin’ weekend as they went on the road to face the Regina Cougars and the Brandon Bobcats. The Spartans came into the weekend with a mediocre 2-6 record, not where they were hoping to be. Although it has been a rough start to the season, the team has remained optimistic, knowing they have the talent to compete. The Spartans were in Regina on Friday to face the Cougars, and did not prevail. The Cougars had an identical record to the Spartans, looking to improve as well. Although the Cougars opened with a bang with a Connor Burns dunk and an early 8-2 lead. But it was Trinity’s 11 consecutive points that put them right on top with point contributions from Justin Bakuteka, Mara Eli, Mark Perrin and Kurtis Osborne to give them

The Spartans played a great second

they were not able to capitalize on turnovers and free-throws, which hurt them in the game. The Spartans really started to struggle in the fourth points. The Cougars, on the other with their lead to win it 88-69. Spartans coach Scott Allen commented on the game saying, “Our touch around the hoop just isn’t there right now. We are getting lots of shots and easy looks as well as doing a solid job rebounding and keeping our turnovers down. But were short on our number of assists, which means and guys are trying to do too much on their own. We need to learn how to share the ball a little more and be patient.” On Saturday the Spartans were in Brandon to face the Bobcats. Although they were coming off a little disappointed from their loss to the Cougars, they kept their game plan and managed to create an impressive comeback for the win. playing a bit dull, as they gave up rebounds and missed opportunities to score points. Mark Perrin and Jus-

their momentum to make plays and of the points for the Spartans. Being down by one at the start of the secPerrin buzzer beater. In the second half, the cougars took over. The Spartan lead was immediately taken away as Frank Brown nailed a 3-pointer, giving the Cougars a 49-46 lead. The Cougars continued the lead throughout the and defense. The Spartans did not give up as they stayed right behind

have lost their momentum as James Elias started with a good 3-pointer. The Bobcats then started to take off offensively, while the Spartans half ended with the Spartans being down 24-36. Encouraging words must have come out of Scott Allen’s mouth dur-

ing halftime because the second half was a completely different story. The Spartans showed that they meant business right away as Bakuteka nailed the jumper seconds into the play more like a team as they started to pile up assists along with their as the dramatic comeback ensued. In nailing jumpers, layups and freewere playing great, the Bobcats were playing just as good, keeping the lead for the majority of the second half. With just two minutes remaining, Bakuteka made two good freethrows to tie the game 69-69. The Spartans then took the lead with a Denny McDonald layup. It was now the Spartans up by one and with the tans did not give up the lead, winning the game 75-73. It was a good, exciting basketball game between the Spartans and the Bobcats but the Spartans ended up with the well deserved victory. The Spartans are now 3-7 and ence. There is still a lot of work to be done by this team to put them on top of the standings. With the talent that is on the team, the Spartans are certainly capable with hard work and discipline. The Spartans will return playing regular season hoops after a string of exhibition games. Regular season will start again in the New Year, starting with the Alberta Golden Bears on January 11, 2013 at the Langley Events Centre.

SCOTT STEWART

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “An engagement ring” -Anna Funk

December 5, 2012

HUMOUR.

KAITIE SIMONSON kaitlee.simonson@mytwu.ca

you’re allowed to laugh at this page.

Rising like a phoenix from the all-nighter A veteran’s guide to escaping the wreckage that is your homework. Trapped in the gauntlet of my 5th year here (averaging three all-nighters ev-

JUSTIN POULSEN

secondary education is simply a race between productivity and full-bodyshutdown. Indeed, as each of you franticly scan your schedules, a single question pervades the hive mind of the campus: “What the cuss! How am I going to do all this?” Note: If you aren’t franticly scanning your schedule you are either brilliant or hooped; either way, there’s no point in reading any further. As for the rest of you folks, with a got one shot at this. Stick to the path below and you could make it to the other side, perhaps even alive. 11:00am - THE VILLAIN, REVEALED Let me begin with a story. Kylie is a 2nd year Nursing major—bubbly, intelligent, an ambitious student with a heart for God. But Kylie likes to do homework late at night. Tonight, as she sits at her desk diligently working in her bedroom, she hears the soft padding of feet behind her. She glances around and sees only the clock on her bedside table: 1:30am. Her gut twists as she hears the feet move closer, pad, pad, pad. An her shoulder and in her ear—in her heart—she hears the emptiness of the night beckon, “End it all. Right here. Give in. Life’s not worth it.” Unable to stop herself, she puts down her pen, closes her laptop…and climbs into bed. Yet another unsuspecting student falls victim to the All-Nighter. If you want to win, you need to decide the afternoon before, even the day before, to confront this predator head-on. Throughout the day repeat to yourself out loud, “I will confront the All-Nighter tonight.” If anyone looks at you funny or tells you to chill,

take a silent pleasure in assuming that their name will be added to the list, right underneath poor Kylie’s. 1:30pm - CALM BEFORE THE STORM Stop working! I know, I know, “Isn’t this a race? Don’t I need to work as hard and fast as possible?” No! You’ll have a minimum of 12 hours signment. But you’ve been in class all day, your body can’t sustain an academic marathon after having just worked out. Simply look at your assignment and then put it away; let the topic gestate in your mental womb while you now take a break—watch TV, hang out, sleep. Y’know that war movie where the husband and wife spend one last moment of “pleasure” together before he goes off to battle? This is that moment. But keep it PG folks; you’ll need to save your strength. 7:00pm - CUSS GETS REAL You’ve just eaten dinner, all your friends have gone home, now is the time to switch into “Gollum Mode”: slink into something comfortable and hide yourself in a secluded space. Keep the lights dark so you’re eyes are forcibly drawn to the light of your screen, and pour your thoughts onto the keyboard. Stumped? Take a shower. The warm water echoing against the tile creates a make-shift sensory deprivation chamber. Without external stimuli, your brain kicks into overdrive to entertain itself and BOOM— inspiration. I owe dozens of my theses to a good shower. 1:00am- DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DENNY’S Great power lies in the greasy diner fare, witty waitress quips, and too90’s-to-be-retro décor of our beloved second home. As your body winds down to sleep you need to trick it straight into morning mode: change into your tightest jeans to push the blood up to your head and order yourself a big ol’ plate of motivation.

3:00am- KICK VILLAIN IN BALLS This is the crux; it’s supposed to hurt. Your eyes are open but you can’t see? Your head is full of acid? few hours are the difference between a late night and an all-nighter—between a C+ and an A-. Let me tell you, coffee, energy drinks, ginseng voodoo tea, none of these things can save you now. There is only one fuel strong enough to push you past the subtle strangle of fatigue: anger. This paper wants you to fail. How dare it! Chan-

compiled by KAITIE SIMONSON

mars’ tweets

@TDSnow022891: Is it just me or does “menopause” sound like a kind of pokemon?

nel your disgust, your contempt, your This isn’t about grades; this is about your dignity. Cuss that cussing paper to its completion. 6:00am- RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET If you’ve made it to this point, congratulations, you don’t need me anymore! The early birds chirp your praise, the sun spotlights your glory, the crisp air kisses your cheeks in moist, ruddy victory—assuming you managed to actually complete your

assignment. Take a victory lap in the shower and put on some unsoiled comfortable clothes (I prefer a nice pair of black tights myself ). Warning: I’ve recently discovered that it’s possible to vomit from sheer exhaustion; get that stuff done before you break out the body wash. Slam back a Venti like it’s Friday night downtown, set your walking speed to “brisk,” and toss that cussing paper into the class with pride. And may the profs be ever in your favour.

@Emilyknauff: prof says its rude to pack up your bags 5 min b4 class ends. That’s why I never open my bag in the first place. #fi!hyearsmarts

@Skinkybob: I want them to kill off a character in Modern Family. In modern families, people die.

@Mitchesoren: Fi"ing room a"endant: How’d you do? Me: Well I successfully tried on all my pants and t-shirts. I think I did alright. #stuffnoonesays

@Terrible_Tia: Sperm Whales are the largest predators, they go a!er giant squid. Ballsy move: appropriate for a Sperm Whale, I guess.

@Addzpaz: I’ve been practicing my cross-legged yogi levitating lately. Progress: I haven’t really go"en off ground zero. #youshouldtwee"hat

@Daniel_jvd: Somebody going “Mmmhmmm” in a prayer is the original retweet.

@McConnellCalvin: Is it just me? Or am I schizophrenic?

@Nate_Rubzz: “In DA clubz, who’s coming?!! ... JK just in the belly of a whale” - Jonah, if he had twi"er.

@Ma!yruby: Knee boarding is just wake boarding for amputees.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Croc slippers” -Brynn Hughes

11 a

WORST PARENTING DECISION Even the name Beelzebub is looking alright now. This year saw a new trend in tech-themed baby names such as Siri and Hashtag. Why you might ask? Well thats one answer not even your iPhone can answer.

BEST VIDEO/WORST DIVE Stephen Feck trades Olympic scores for YouTube hits with his diving attempt

YEAR

t h e

BEST WORST & things 4

BY C H R I S M O N TG O M E RY

the

24 MARS’ HILL

December 5, 2012

WORST ATTEMPT TO ENTERTAIN BORED HOUSEWIVES It couldn’t die with Twilight. 50 Shades of Gray picks up the torch...and does weird stuff with it.

12 VII

WORST TWU MOMENT Guitars gently weeped at the folding of the much loved Busted String Family on campus. Wipe the tears away though because former members have formed a new band: The New Atlas.

BEST ATTEMPT AT 1 BILLION HITS Forget, skinny jeans or boat shoes, Gangnam was the style this year. Korean pop artist PSY had everyone around the world dancing badly with their hit. At press time we can report 877,822,093 hits. Stay posted.

BEST SAMC PLAY The theatre department carried on their strong tradition tradition of quality plays with Fiddler on the Roof.

15 WORST ATTEMPT TO MAKE MONEY Facebook’s IPO opening didn’t get as many likes as it hoped. CEO Mark Zuckerberg fortune has dropped $7.2 billion to a measly $11.98 billion. I think we are still supposed to feel sorry for him.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A DEAD PERSON Tupac lived for one more night at Coachella Festival this year. He was regenerated via a hologram appearing alongside the artist formely known as Snoop Dogg.

The new app Draw Something gave everyone a chance to pretend to be an artist.

three

BEST SOUNDS Jack White went solo this time, and it didn’t stop him one bit.

WORST ATTEMPT TO WIN from the Summer Olympics for purposefully trying to lose. Don’t worry, we don’t get it either. WORST POLITICAL DEBATE PERFORMANCE Clint Eastwood brought out the bad and the ugly at the Republican Convention.

eighteeen

BEST RETURN TO A CITY After 48 years, Paul McCartney decided to come back to Vancouver. ‘Hey Jude’ last almost as long as the 21 minute concert in 1964.

13 d a w nj a BEST NEW TV SHOW It had mixed reviews. But not by us. Aaron Sorkin proves himself again with The Newsroom.

BEST SCOTT QUOTE “Hey, have you guys heard of this band called Mumford & Sons?”

BEST TWU MOMENT Studying just got a whole lot more...romantic? The campus changed its Grinchly policy on Christmas lights in dorms in time for the festive season. Clearly there is no reason anyone should be upset around here. Right? RIGHT?

BEST DEATH Dear Penny: You made cents, but not much sense. 1858-2012

BEST SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY The discovery of the Higgs Boson particle at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland was not

BEST MOVIE Quirky and endearing, its like Zooey Deschanel giving you a bedtime story.

-perhaps the decade. Apparently its also called the ‘God Particle’...HA! Your move atheists!

{ten{

BEST DISTRACTION People everywhere were giving

BEST ATTEMPT TO PISS OFF FANS “We play for the love of the game” lost a lot of credibility this year. Here’s to hockey in 2013.

BEST TIMING FOR A PROTEST Wikipedia and Reddit among others held a ‘blackout’ for a day to protest new Internet censorship laws. Luckily it was at the beginning of the semester, so no research papers were compromised

WORST ANIMAL PRODUCT You deserve to lose your head if you wore these animal hats on your head.

JUST THE WORST Ark Music Factory continues its vendetta against days of the year with ‘It’s Thanksgiving’.

WORST HASHTAG Nothing could have beat Susan Boyle’s new album hashtag #susanalbumparty. Just take a second look at it.

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “The new Nickelback CD”- Tyler Snow

December 5, 2012

DE-CLASSIFIEDS.

marshillonline.com/de-classified

Mars’ Hill editors reserve the right to edit or reject submissions based on content and/or length. A printed submission does not necessarily reflect an endorsement of any kind, nor does it necessarily reflect the opinions of Mars’ Hill staff , the student association, or that of the University. In fact probably not. I missed ‘I Surrender’ at chapel today... DANGIT. Dear TWUSA, you’re great. But please stop liking your own facebook statuses. Sincerely, A TWUSA Member Sterling, just wondering if you’ve applied yet? “I am going pee, anyone wanna come?” -Short guy in 6 low WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid a"er we get back. Must bring your own weapons. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED. I have only done this once before. Is it true that if you kill your roommate you get straight A’s? #YOLO Swag flows out of me like sweat -Life of an HKIN major Why do people talk about the “real world” like it is stressful, boring, lonely, and generally dismal? Everytime I complain about something, people say “Yup, well, that’s what the real world is like.” Well excuse me, but I’m looking forward to a social, fun life with a rewarding career a"er Trinity. I can wait. Watch your back pony boy.

FREE KITTENS: 604 746 9770 I’m still not quite sure which Colin I would choose. -love 4/5 upper Man, just how common is this thing called ‘friendzone’ at Trinity? I feel for ya, bro (fist pump) Ladies, you excited about that really cute guy who has suddenly noticed you? I dare you to check the balance on his food card. I wish I liked having babies... that way I could become a surrogate mother and make loads of cash! Procrastinating so hard when I should be finishing this english paper for Cavalli. . . dannnnnnnnnnnnng. Whoever discovered carding room 162 is a genius! I would totally buy that man a Cherry Chiller if he let me join him at his corner booth. *sigh. LOVE MORE Maybe the Mayan calendar was just for TWU… #Union Two worlds, ONE FAAAAAAMILYYYYY! The things my tough slidey phone has survived: concrete, a pint, baby slobber, vomit, and maple syrup. Take that iPhone.

BUY ONE

GET

DRINK

ONE

FREE

I’m debating whether or not to go sit by Caleb Ropp in the LC. But he’s just too FANTASTIC..! I wonder if Caleb Ropp is allergic to craisins? Caleb Ropp, please don’t think all of my friends are creepy for writing all these de-classifieds about you.. Do you want to know what I’ve learned at Trinity? NO ONE IS GOOD WITH NAMES. NO ONE. NOT EVEN ME. Dear 4/5 Low Ladies, It’s one thing to break dorm hours. It’s another thing to break dorm hours and then wave to me and the rest of campus through your open window while you do it. Sincerely, I learned to close my blinds. Almost done! You can do it! Oh.. I didn’t know people actually played the ‘God card’... “I’m glad I learned cursive back in elementary school. I use it all the time!” said no one... ever Top hair. It’s a thing. I dare someone to ‘milk’ in the middle of the cafe. Milking is sooo the new planking.

There’s a special place in hell for people who eat the chocolate from advent calendars out of order.

It’s simple, I prefer my eggs over easy, my coffee with cream, and my love with reckless abandon.

I hate three things: poverty, global warming and fake pockets on jeans.

RPSA, teach me how to dougie.

Dear Saxophone player in Robson, You are awesome, thanks for putting me in the Christmas spirit!!! Hey Brune#e in the back row of BIO 241, Your protons make my ATP synthase turn. -Life of a BIO major #LucasLips All I want for Christmas is one of the Strom brothers. If you don’t know who Princess Consuela Bananahammock is, we can’t be friends. Someone needs to make Russian nesting dolls of Cavalli’s seven sons. Sold! Everybody knows I’m a mothaflippin’ MONSTER...energy drink lover...

Man Confessions: When I applied for TWU, I wanted to live in the Northwest building. I didn’t realize it was all girls; all I knew was that it looked like the best choice. Chris Voth, you mystical creature Shortage of white chocolate macadamia cookies in the collegium. #commuterproblems POLLOS Cam Sorensen isn’t coming back next semester?! What am I and the cougars on glover going to do?! I don’t speak in tongues, but I kiss that way! Hey stats students, stop hogging all the computers. #TWUSAPuppieRoom LLC Fall 2013. PARTY!

THE HIMNAL

Josh Van Vliet Year: 2 Height: 6’5

Business

Hometown: Langley Denomination: Catholic Fave preacher: Fr Justin Top quality in a future mate: Honesty Fave Bible verse: Psalm 46:10 and openness. (Good cooking may or may not be a close second) Fave hymn: Gentle Woman Idea of perfect date: Hot tea and cook- How do you know if it’s love: When you would jump into a volcano guarded by drag-

gravity.

Views on courtship: makes it less awkward when it comes time to populate the earth.

the world.

Skill that makes you “the one”: I’m

Good age to get married: Around 25 Domestic talent: Best place for a first kiss: Under the mistletoe obviously.

*excluding matcha

bed.

Best pick up line: “Do you have a bandaid? Love language? Telepathy

What’s one Christmas gift you never want to receive? “Used syringe” -Jhana Kolkman