HUMOUR The Muppets as Game of Thrones Characters

Alex Walker

What’s the most absurd story The Muppets could parody after Twilight or, lest we forget, 50 Shades of Grey? How about everyone’s favourite violent, incest and nudity-filled fairy tale, Game of Thrones? After foraying into the censored version (i.e. no boobies or f-bombs) of HBO’s favourite son, I have determined the definitive casting for a project that would have to be censored to the extreme, as if Kidz Bop took on “WAP” or when VeggieTales replaced King David’s affair with Bathsheba with Larry stealing a rubber ducky.

Kermit the Frog as Ned Stark. Obviously, the lawful good protagonist plays the lawful good protagonist.

Bobo the Bear as Robert Baratheon. Both large and lethargic, King Robert could only be portrayed by a Muppet as big as Bobo.

Do you want to truly succeed in 2023 and be the best version of yourself? Then get a mullet. That’s the only way. Go to the nearest barbershop, salon, friend with a pair of scissors, etc., and tell them to give you a mullet right now. Do it. Before it’s too late.

This is the year you let the intrusive thoughts win. Go find a door and rip its hinges off with your teeth. I know you’re all thinking about it. Come on, sink those chompers into that rusty, squeaky metal. It’s good for your mental health.

Did you know that DeVries has the worst fire alarm on campus? Its high-pitched whine will live in your ears rent-free for hours after it goes off. That’s your building, so do yourself a favour and dismantle all its fire alarms. Maybe dismantle the sprinkler system too to avoid a Douglas 6 Mid fiasco. If a fire ever does happen, just call 911 like a normal person.

Sam the Eagle as Jaime Lannister. I’m particularly picturing Jaime’s look in his “Prisoner of Robb Stark” phase with this one.

Camilla the Chicken as Catelyn Stark. Female characters are pretty sparse in The Muppets, so I’m going for “Mother Hen” vibes with this one.

Miss Piggy as Cersei Lannister. Who else?

Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen. The only human maintained in the casting. Her lines are always so dramatic which would be hilariously contrasted with The Muppets.

Statler and Waldorf as Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy. Instead of giving Daenerys wise counsel, they just roast her. Or maybe constantly joke about how they can’t roast her because she’s fireproof.

Beaker and Bunsen Honeydew as Littlefinger and Varys. Their chaos levels all match, and when they’re having witty rapport with each other Beaker is still only saying “Meep”.

The Swedish Chef as Viserys III Targaryen. A character as vile as Viserys played by someone as zany as the Chef. Maybe he sells Daenerys to chicken lords instead of horse lords?

Scooter as Jon Snow. This is meant to be a comedic contrast more than anything, but Scooter does have some serious underdog energy.

Janice as Sansa Stark. Once again, we’re low on female characters here, but Janice kinda captures Sansa’s repetitive naivety.

Rizzo the Rat as Arya Stark. Both are small and will bite if provoked.

Animal as Robb Stark (and the Drums as Talisa?). Animal captures Robb’s boldness and confidence and both are hairy.

Gonzo as Theon Greyjoy. Considering Theon’s roller coaster of a story arc, he could only be played by someone who is as easy to pity as he is to laugh at as Gonzo.

Walter and Robin the Frog as Bran and Rickon Stark. The most “Aww” muppets play the most “Aww” characters.

Fozzie Bear as Joffrey Baratheon. If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it to you.

Rowlff as Sandor “The Hound” Clegane. He’s literally a dog, and they both have apathetic tendencies.

Pepe the Prawn as Tyrion Lannister. Small, ladies men, fiery, and clever.

Dr. Teeth as Khal Drogo. Both are crackhead ring leaders.

Uncle Deadly as Tywin Lannister. Honestly, they both have the exact same look and voice.

Sweetums as Samwell Tarly. Large and loveable.

HKIN

You better make sure you don’t violate the gym’s dress code when you work out today. Wear monk’s robes. Or a onesie. Or a Hazmat suit. Or a shirt that says: “I would never show my shoulders because shoulders are sinful and their presence will surely cause my brothers to stumble.”

Two of my friends got diagnosed with celiac disease this year, so there’s clearly an epidemic going on. You should try and build an artificial set of intestines that can be attached to someone with gluten intolerance via a tube. The person can enjoy the taste of gluten-filled food, then as they digest it the tube will detect the presence of gluten and siphon it out into the artificial intestines. I suppose people with celiac disease could also just chew the food and then spit it out, but no one wants to eat next to that.

This week you should eat Sodexo rice and only Sodexo rice. Pretend it’s a little colony of ants crawling into your mouth. Pretend that sounds appetizing. Pretend I wrote something that made sense and was funny here

I’m trying to be nicer to Seth Schouten (my Editor-In-Chief), so I’ll get you guys to do it for me. Whenever you see Seth (tallish, blondish-brownish longish hair, glasses-ish), give him a big hug. Squeeze as tight as you can. Give him lots of little kisses too. If he screams, it means he likes it.

SAMC

The reason this issue is so late is because our Editor-In-Chief decided to be a theatre kid, so you should consider TWU’s Theatre Kid Rehabilitation Program. If you or a loved one have participated in one of TWU’s theatre productions or the 11:07 improv troupe, listened to an entire musical’s soundtrack, enjoyed Starkid, been aware of Homestuck, used pronouns, had neurodivergent tendencies, or just exhibited loud and obnoxious behavior, it’s not too late. Please reach out to baileyfroese@gmail.com for more information.